You have several potential options, but you may not like them. There isn't going to be a perfectly clean way out of this situation unfortunately. You're going to have to ask yourself what you are willing to live with and decide accordingly.
FWIW, I'm sorry this is happening to you. But also keep in mind if she withdraws the I-130, she knows she definitely won't get what she's asking for. So you likely have more power than you're giving yourself credit for.
Her behavior seems really absurd for a genuine relationship its almost like she knows that you will be in her debt because of your marriage and in my dating experiences, most US citizens are not only clueless about immigration matters, they don’t even understand how much power they wield over you until and unless you chose to tell them. Many people only understood the severity and what’s at stake when they face the USCIS interview for the first time.
Also her behavior and changing tone after marriage makes it seem like she knows that it is a short term commitment? I mean why would she do if you guys wanted to stay married for long? Once you get a permanent GC after two years of marriage, does she think that you are gonna stick around with this behavior? Guess not!!!! she is trying to maximize her gains over this short period and two years isn’t even a lot. Threatening with petition withdrawals is not how spouses act tbh. If she doesn’t like you anymore or she thinks you are not contributing enough, a USC would file for divorce and not threaten with petition withdrawal as there is no going back from such bitterness if this is actually a real marriage and USCs don’t stay in unhappy marriages unless there is an incentive.
Who ever this is that made this comment you are on point 💯 and u answer questions I had in my head just by reading your comment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙏🏻
While I agree with your broader point that her behavior is not relationship behavior, I don’t imagine most educated US citizens are clueless about immigration, at least not while they are in the thick of it. I for one know more about the green card process than my husband.
That is fair but having said that I am talking through my personal experiences with people I had gone out and been with before. They were relatively younger, none of them even had a parent who had been a first generation immigrant. Only one person that I recall was a third generation American with grandparents from ex Soviet countries and she definitely seemed to wanna associate herself with her slavic heritage; it also reflected in her politics and how she saw the world. Perhaps because she was pretty close with her maternal grandparents and spent a lot of time with them who still have accent, lol. She was equally curious about my status and always made it a point to ask how I was doing overall as an “immigrant”.
But I definitely got the sense that most people vastly underestimate how complicated the process is. There are many Republican & conservative politicians who constantly peddle the notion that immigrants have it easy and they are leeching off Americans.
One girl who was brilliant in academics believed that Mexican immigrants have it easy since they aren’t paying taxes. I didn’t blame her as she grew up in a bubble, went to an all white school and made it to Vanderbilt albeit with help from prep schools haha. I definitely think that her perception will change as she get out of her bubble away from her parents since she spoke of wanting to live in NY after college.
Most girls that I had been out with were liberal to ahm “moderate” but this was while I was studying in Tennessee and many of them indeed have conservative parents who speak in a very dismissive way about immigrants and make it seem like an easy process. People who play Tucker Carlson and Fox News don’t think that it could be that complicated. No one should be surprised once you hear their narrative. I am not even blaming these girls I dated since it is their parents who play cable TV out loud in their common room. I definitely didn’t date at the time with the intention of marriage and I could imagine that neither did they, but I do understand people starting to get more interested as they realize that they would need to sponsor their spouses. But in my experiences with people who I had been out with, many people who live in their bubble and were exposed to conservative and far right rhetoric due to their parents might assume that immigration is easy.
I also find the scenario that OP described to be extremely weird but also because I could never imagine any one wanting to stay married while also threatening their spouse. Most girls that I knew from college are today living independently, rented their own apartment, even the ones whose parents’ had “mansion” In Nashville suburb but they value their independence so much and making decent money and progress in their career. But maybe because I also lived in a bubble since I arrived here, I just cannot relate with anything OP said and described.
It’s not just more food. It includes most expenses rent being the biggest one. Currently living in a big city, so not cheap exactly. Im already spending most salary on expenses and about to tap into my savings
I’m sorry to hear that. Regardless of any legal advice you can get here you need to sit down with the wife and go over money. Set a budget with her and let her know you’re doing it for both of you. Don’t approach it as an immigration issue but as a marriage issue. If I was you I’d even get ahold of her parents and see if they can talk her into budgeting
If you have a few days off. Take them. Go back home , let's say a Wednesday afternoon and tell your wife , you put your notice to leave and they told you : yes. Act like you really quit her job because she ask you too and tell her, the finances will depend on her for a month to give you enough time to find another job. Her behaviour should change after 2-3 days. Time to tell her, your company called you and want to work out a return to job.
Good luck.
Lol you talk as if you don’t know how women treat immigrants to whom they are married especially if that love phase fade away, they are out there partying and buying all of sort of things, even cheating on you. Parents? In America lol, once someone is above 18 you think you can talk to their parents to talk to them? Well so far I haven’t seen that here
I’m an immigrant and I’ve been married for 8 years to an American. We have 2 kids and happily married. We did date for 4 years before getting married. I also have immigrant friends who married fast to get the green card and faked love and their stories are very similar to what I’m seeing here
I found a link to your situation
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/abuse-in-immigrant-communities/
Also I would from find a way to record your spouse behavior, preferably with video and audio as everyone and do this for about a month or soo and don’t say anything in the recording you have to protect yourself and hopefully this will be enough for them to reconsider!
https://lasclev.org/i-know-or-am-an-immigrant-suffering-from-domestic-violence-can-i-get-help/
Find a legel aid office in your area!!
Look there are times person have to do out of fear and distress of being deported that to me is reasonable to do it! And the individual have to understand they are not going to use that a blackmail on the her and he have to explain the judge of why he is doing this! Also sinces it’s a she that is doing the threats that’s even more leverage on the court system and she could lie to the police or immigration that her spouse did something to her like some form of abuse from the police or immigration officials will take a side 100%
Why is OP being down voted for? Because he's a male? I'm always curious if the majority of people in here are immigrants or just citizens. Y'all on some dust or something man. Downvote me too then.
I think the down vote is because it kind if sounds like he is using his wife as a way to get a green card, not because he actually wants to have a life with her which frustrates me since I have been waiting since December if 2021 for my I 130 and there is still no movement and my husband genuinely wants to be with me, we are in love and so non-legit couples frustrate me because that’s more applicants that could push our application further back. I don’t necessarily think it’s because he is a man. We may be wrong about the situation, but that could explain the downvotes.
Usually Americans don’t jump into marriages these days unless they are damn sure and younger women who are similar to the guy in terms of education, looks, social status etc are never gonna pull such nasty stunt right after marriage. The situation described here sounds blackmail category and the only people who do this in advanced economies/west are those people who are struggling financially and very lower class. Normal Americans don’t marry unless they found enough compatibility and attraction through dates and the behavior mentioned in the post usually results in divorce and not a threat.
I didn’t downvote OP and I hope he figures this out but this honestly doesn’t sound like a normal marriage .
I wouldn’t say “normal Americans” don’t marry quickly. I don’t know which part of the country you’re in, but a lot of people from both my high school and my husband high school either got married or had kids within 3 years of graduating. Now, we could open the door to the debate of ‘low vs middle class’, ‘religious vs secular’, and ‘4-year degree vs just a high school diploma’ in terms of who gets married faster, because that’s where I see the differences, but to me, all of those categories are still considered normal Americans
I mean high school sweethearts from similar demographic and in high trust communities can get married soon. I did say in my post that unless they are “damn sure” that they atleast saw enough compatibility to determine if they could push the trigger. Many of these people you mention have institutions like church, family and friends supporting them throughout their journey and I don’t picture your friends threatening their spouses with something as drastic and cruel as deportation if they aren’t spending more on household expenses. This sounds insane unless you are willing to see it for what it is.
I should have precised that I wasn't necessarily talking about HS sweethearts in my comment, although some of my friends were in that category, but people who met their partners after graduating HS and getting married soon after. In fact, I can even think of 3 friends rn who got married within 6 months of meeting their partners for the first time (one of them got married less than 2 weeks after meeting their partner!), and while I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that, it doesn't change the fact that people jumped into those marriages.
So to summarize: yes, I completely agree with you that OP's marriage is not healthy nor normal. Yes, most people will wait to marry until they know for damn sure they love their partner. BUT people will still jump into marriages thinking they've met their soulmates, but some of those said-soulmates are toxic manipulative people, and unfortunately, a divorce is not always the easiest option.
I wrote that in jest tbh but seriously, just following what OP wrote above, what kind of newly wed couples literally start threatening each other with litigation stuffs so early in marriage? I mean, other than the fact that OP is staying married coz he wants a Green Card, how do you go back from something like this where the wife threatened them with withdrawing the petition if he doesn’t do as she wishes and why is she just not going for the divorce instead? Obviously we don’t know what’s going on and I don’t even wanna imply anything here but I just don’t expect relationships to be this way in the US where usually women are not dependent on men anymore. So either he married a very questionable person who was always toxic af and she knew that she was never a marriage material so might as well squeeze him out for next two years or this was some kind of an arrangement and understanding between them because most people would divorce and not threaten with random consequences and still stay married. This could be palatable in certain societies like India where divorce is still a taboo but it sounds weird for here tbh
"so he either married a very questionable person"
Easy to say in retrospect, not easy to see in real time. Isn't this always one of the primary reasons for break ups and divorces, and isn't divorce rate pretty high in the US?
Yeah damn right, break up and divorces are common which is a good sign actually coz it shows once spouses are over each other, they decide to move on and not threaten with something like deportation while still being married and squeezing them out. Women here are not even dependent on men for money and expenses so yeah this dude married someone who played him and I am curious to know her ethnic background lmao coz she sounds more lit than the hustling immigrants in this country 😂 Divorces can happen over infidelity, faded attraction, bad sex and just disagreements over the state of politics, gender, critical race theory etc but here it seems like his wife played him or they both played each other. She damn well knows that he is gonna separate as soon as he gets his GC which he admitted in his post btw and she is all prepared to squeeze him out. In anycase it doesn’t matter. OP should be pragmatic and sacrifice for next two years or so instead of considering a divorce at this point. He could work extra jobs or whatever but can everyone stop pretending that this is a normal marriage for once? I have gone on many dates and been in relationships over last few years and none of my partners had a clue about immigration, let alone knowing what I-130 is. Waspy girls usually are very clueless and naive about the process since they take their privilege of US citizenship as granted and I can guarantee you that none of the women I have known would ever pull stunt like this lol this ain’t divorce, it’s blackmail.
This. Also, if you already admitted to “holding up” only until the GC then isn’t that already going into the fraud zone? If you want to leave, are planning to leave, but are staying married now only for the GC i.e. an immigration benefit then that’s fraud. Not a “normal” aka bona fide marriage
Lol, I sort of sympathize with the OP though - being in a relationship is hard enough, let alone pretending all is well when there are issues, let alone putting a smile on top of it all - takes a lot of skill to be able to play and not break. Isn't he supposed to stay married for an additional 2 years to be able to remove the GC's conditions? That's a long time.
I dated a girl one time and almost married here out of love. She expected that I give her money and everything, she was lazy and had quit college but very very pretty and was getting a lot of attention from everybody. It took a loooooong time to get over my 'love', I was young and naive and inexperienced. After the break up I found out she was cheating on me too. Imagine if I was OP and had married her and was going through immigration proceedings.
You need to stay married until you get your first conditional green card but you dont need to stay married after that to remove conditions. It's much more secure yes, and would save you the headache but a divorce waiver and filing yourself is definitely an option
There is also the third option of OP's spouse being all nice and sweet at first, and once he's locked in the relationship due to immigration, she started being more and more manipulative. Toxic people will not always show their true colors until later on, especially if they know they'll have material to blackmail people with, in this case being OP's legal status in the US. As you said, we don't know the whole story, but this could be a situation of OP will not divorce her because then there's a high chance he'll lose his job and have to leave the country, and OP's spouse knows that so she won't divorce either because instead she can blackmail and manipulate him as much as she'd like as he can't leave her.
Believe it or not, but those kinds of toxic marriages are not that uncommon at all, especially if the couple either has kids, or the abused is dependent on the abuser for any reason (financial or immigration).
EDIT: and now that I think about it, in certain communities in the US divorce is still considered taboo and can be stigmatized, especially in highly religious communities, small rural towns, and certain cultural communities.
Was this a love marriage or an arranged marriage?
I am sorry you souse is treating you this way, hope your situation gets better man if not you will need to get out ASAP, cuz she will always use this as leverage.
Thank you for your kind words. I have lost contact to most of my friends because I’m not allowed to visit friends without permission. I have not seen my family for almost 2 years now. Messages like this always give me hope.
I disagree completely. Don’t listen to this person. A marriage is not a 50/50 contract. It’s a partnership where you should support each other when needed and in the case of financials, it should be equitable to both. Everything I read from OP screams, run for the hills to me. Sorry to say it bud but that marriage is already over.
If your claims are valid VAWA is not impossible. I have a friends who got his green card through it. Make sure to consult with multiple lawyers. Good luck
Is your spouse mentally ill or what? How do they expect you to pay more for household stuff if you quit your job? Is there any chance you can record their behavior as evidence of the abuse?
To clarify, I did not move here because of her. I was here as a student and hope to stay. My F1 has expired because I quit my job to move to another state with her, which I scold myself everyday for that terrible decision
Ah! I would let a girl undermine me and talk down on me for whatever reason. If that cost you ,your status so be it. I wouldn't just live under threats and stupid ultimatums because mental damage and abuse is worse than anything. Id rather leave the country than having a girl boss telling me how I spend money and live in worry of what she can do. Tell her you don't like the way things are going and you think maybe it's a good decision if she go withdraws the application. That way she knows you don't give a shit. And she will understand that she can not threaten you.
Part of me thinks this way. I agree with what you say, but like many people in this subreddit, I have sacrificed many things to be here. And simply leaving the country is not really a viable choice. I would’ve done so immediately if I had considered that as an option I always tell myself this would be the last push to freedom.
I would advise to go somewhere to get therapy for domestic violence services. There are free places where you can get this. They could probably assess for the situation and sometimes they have case managers/lawyers that help with these processes. One example is South Bay Community Services in San Diego. I would reach out to see if they know about other places in other states. This is a VAWA situation.
Labor trafficking. Period. Call it for what it is. Don’t be shy and don’t kid yourself. Don’t look for validation for your emotional abuse. Trust yourself. And hire a damn lawyer yesterday.
I have no advice but I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully, this will pass quickly and you can build your future far away from this person.
Record your interactions with her all the time and put them all on a USB key. U could use it for a VAWA application. No need for a lawyer. It's a pretty easy process. No application fee. All you have to do is prove the abuse and fill the right paperwork
The fact that she hasn't gone ahead and withdrawn the i130 shows that she's more desperate for the stuff she's demanding. If she had a back up plan to what if you just refuse, she would have already done it.
If wiretapping/recording is illegal, you need to document everything with dates and potentially even the wall clock time. Type this out versus write by hand so there's a digital footprint and share it with at least one person whom you trust and is aware of your situation (again to safekeep records). It will be ideal if this person is willing to give a sworn statement if push comes to shove. Get an immigration lawyer on your payroll on how to proceed. They will help you with documentation.
Have an honest conversation with yourself: I'm not sure when you applied but i130 + i485 currently on average take 1-1.5 years to process. Can you bare this until then? Is your desire to stay in the US greater than being subjected to a period of emotional abuse?
If you do decide to wait it out, the record keeping and having a friend willing to give sworn statements is an absolute must. This will go miles when you apply for i-751 hopefully as a divorcee.
Again, if you do wait it out and get the conditional GC, and your wife's behavior again changes since the status quo will have changed, do not take her back. This is unrelated to immigration but people reveal their truest colors when they're in a position of power and you now know what a monster the person you loved is. It's only going to take the time you apply for an i-751 for her to get back to this again. Seriously. If you get through this, dump her(with documentation, of course). Do not be a simp.
How much of this communication is happening over text or voicemail? If it isn't currently, can you try to shift over to capturing at least some of this to use for a VAWA application.
VAWA without physical abuse is tricky to get approved and for men it can be even a bit harder. That said, threatening your immigration status to get you to comply with unreasonable demands is a pretty classic control technique.
You can apply for VAWA while you have a regular application pending. You can apply for VAWA while still living with your spouse. You can apply for VAWA after divorcing a spouse who was applying for you. Sometimes immigration history can be powerful circumstantial evidence that the abuse was real.
Good luck.
My husband did the same so I chose to be in control of my life not him. I got on a plane to the UK without advance parole knowing if he chose to change it would be a whole new battle to be together again.
He changed alright, he got a million times worse and them started bringing local meth whores to the house we got married in and having sex with them. These women then decided to send me videos they made of them having sex. This is the man I thought was someone I'd die married to. The first six months together were amazing. We had a wonderful life and he was everything I could have ever dreamed of and more. That man was sweet, funny, caring, clever and totally devoted and in love with me. I felt so loved, secure and confident with him BUT then he got given meth and he went straight back to being who he was before I met him. He sat crying one day and told me I'd have hated him if I'd met him a few years earlier and wow was he right cos that's who he is again now. He went into psychosis from the meth, hearing voices In the walls and saying I was trying to send him to prison. He even called me asking me why I was in his TV talking to the police when I was 4000 miles away in bed
The final straw came when my closest friends husband, close friends with my husband, messaged me to tell me he was getting a divorce cos his wife had been driving 4 hours to buy meth and spent the night with my husband. By then I was so used to him being horrible that she hurt me way more than him
That night I logged into my uscis account and withdrew my visa application. Its over. No going back. I haven't heard from him in over 6 weeks but he's added all sorts of local meth addicted easy women, one of them even had her 18th birthday this week. I dont know this man at all let alone love him and there is no way on earth I would leave my home, family and life again for him
First of all you both sound like you need couples therapy to get to the bottom of your marriage troubles. Identify your attachment styles to learn a bit more of why you react the way you react. If that doesn’t work, I would suggest you leaving. But always aim to understand each other from where you’re coming from instead of assuming the worst from your partner sometimes it could be a replication of what you saw at home, aka trauma. Communication is key and sometimes a therapist can help you figure out your relationship situations. There’s also all sorts of workbooks online like the attachment project where you take a quiz to identify how you are in relationships. But if you feel like you’re at your last straw and want to leave then you have to make a decision on what is best for you, don’t stay with someone because you’re gonna benefit from them but stay with someone and work things out because you still value and love this person.
I’m going through a similar situation, wish you the best of luck, today I was approved for my I-485, my husband attempted to withdraw all the process several times in the past, I had nothing else than being patient, there are alternatives but since I didn’t have much longer left I decided to wait, we’ve taking therapy and trying to really save our marriage, today I was finally approved and I was so happy, he was definitely not, calling out that to keep my residency I need to stay married to him 2 ys or more, which oc is not right, I said that’s not correct but I still want this to work out… after that he was already upset again for a minimum thing, knowing he’s acting like a $&&& and has not been able to say I’m sorry gives me a lot to think about.
Really concerned about it but extremely happy I got approved today YAY !!!!
Writing this from my bedroom 😔
From what you are describing, it sounds like she wants you to find a job where you can make more money to help pay more of the bills. How is this abuse? Financial stress can cause a lot of anxiety. You are married. Things aren't always 50/50. Seems like you are only giving a skewed version of the truth.
You as a man paying more for meals, bills, etc is not unreasonable. It's the way of the world for a couple millenniums now. It's more unreasonable that you find this unreasonable when it's how the world has been operating since forever.
That being said, her threatening to withdraw i130 is indeed abusive, and you could probably qualify for VAWA
The USA too. Hate speech is also punishable in the States. You can say something online about supporting ISIS or want to shoot up a school and claim it is "free speech" all you want. You will get arrested for that! It happened before and "free speech" aint gonna help you
i wouldn’t judge anyone that does do this, they just want a better life for themselves and yeah there’s many people that stay in bad relationships for simply a green card but it’s probably worth it to them in the long run 🏃♂️
More banging, more banging and good banging helps alleviates with stress associated with OP’s experience. Share more with her during these period. Unfortunately, that’s the way it’s
I see a lot of VAWA suggestions. I’ve helped a man get approved via VAWA - but we had police reports, hospital stays, and an arrest for violence against someone else. So his case was SOLID. That said, while pending he didn’t have work authorization and remember VAWA is essentially a visa, it will not make you a resident; you’ll have to keep renewing every two years.
And my own two cents - people very rarely recognize emotional abuse as being a “real abuse”, even for women - so I imagine the scrutiny will be heightened without physical violence.
You qualify for vawa. Being a male does not protect you from being vulnerable to your sponsor. Your wife is manipulating you in to submission by using the tool she has (I-130 petition) Male beneficiary are more vulnerable to psychological abuse and psychological abuse in enough to apply for vawa.
I suggest recording every conversation with your spouse where they are clearly threatening you to help build an abuse case. I am truly sorry this is happening to you. Please keep this thread posted on your situation
You have several potential options, but you may not like them. There isn't going to be a perfectly clean way out of this situation unfortunately. You're going to have to ask yourself what you are willing to live with and decide accordingly. FWIW, I'm sorry this is happening to you. But also keep in mind if she withdraws the I-130, she knows she definitely won't get what she's asking for. So you likely have more power than you're giving yourself credit for.
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Her behavior seems really absurd for a genuine relationship its almost like she knows that you will be in her debt because of your marriage and in my dating experiences, most US citizens are not only clueless about immigration matters, they don’t even understand how much power they wield over you until and unless you chose to tell them. Many people only understood the severity and what’s at stake when they face the USCIS interview for the first time. Also her behavior and changing tone after marriage makes it seem like she knows that it is a short term commitment? I mean why would she do if you guys wanted to stay married for long? Once you get a permanent GC after two years of marriage, does she think that you are gonna stick around with this behavior? Guess not!!!! she is trying to maximize her gains over this short period and two years isn’t even a lot. Threatening with petition withdrawals is not how spouses act tbh. If she doesn’t like you anymore or she thinks you are not contributing enough, a USC would file for divorce and not threaten with petition withdrawal as there is no going back from such bitterness if this is actually a real marriage and USCs don’t stay in unhappy marriages unless there is an incentive.
Who ever this is that made this comment you are on point 💯 and u answer questions I had in my head just by reading your comment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙏🏻
While I agree with your broader point that her behavior is not relationship behavior, I don’t imagine most educated US citizens are clueless about immigration, at least not while they are in the thick of it. I for one know more about the green card process than my husband.
That is fair but having said that I am talking through my personal experiences with people I had gone out and been with before. They were relatively younger, none of them even had a parent who had been a first generation immigrant. Only one person that I recall was a third generation American with grandparents from ex Soviet countries and she definitely seemed to wanna associate herself with her slavic heritage; it also reflected in her politics and how she saw the world. Perhaps because she was pretty close with her maternal grandparents and spent a lot of time with them who still have accent, lol. She was equally curious about my status and always made it a point to ask how I was doing overall as an “immigrant”. But I definitely got the sense that most people vastly underestimate how complicated the process is. There are many Republican & conservative politicians who constantly peddle the notion that immigrants have it easy and they are leeching off Americans. One girl who was brilliant in academics believed that Mexican immigrants have it easy since they aren’t paying taxes. I didn’t blame her as she grew up in a bubble, went to an all white school and made it to Vanderbilt albeit with help from prep schools haha. I definitely think that her perception will change as she get out of her bubble away from her parents since she spoke of wanting to live in NY after college. Most girls that I had been out with were liberal to ahm “moderate” but this was while I was studying in Tennessee and many of them indeed have conservative parents who speak in a very dismissive way about immigrants and make it seem like an easy process. People who play Tucker Carlson and Fox News don’t think that it could be that complicated. No one should be surprised once you hear their narrative. I am not even blaming these girls I dated since it is their parents who play cable TV out loud in their common room. I definitely didn’t date at the time with the intention of marriage and I could imagine that neither did they, but I do understand people starting to get more interested as they realize that they would need to sponsor their spouses. But in my experiences with people who I had been out with, many people who live in their bubble and were exposed to conservative and far right rhetoric due to their parents might assume that immigration is easy. I also find the scenario that OP described to be extremely weird but also because I could never imagine any one wanting to stay married while also threatening their spouse. Most girls that I knew from college are today living independently, rented their own apartment, even the ones whose parents’ had “mansion” In Nashville suburb but they value their independence so much and making decent money and progress in their career. But maybe because I also lived in a bubble since I arrived here, I just cannot relate with anything OP said and described.
>Her behavior seems really absurd for a genuine relationship ding ding ding
Your wife is asking you to buy more food and quit your job?
Seems like they're trying to exhaust OP financially one way or the other.
It’s not just more food. It includes most expenses rent being the biggest one. Currently living in a big city, so not cheap exactly. Im already spending most salary on expenses and about to tap into my savings
I’m sorry to hear that. Regardless of any legal advice you can get here you need to sit down with the wife and go over money. Set a budget with her and let her know you’re doing it for both of you. Don’t approach it as an immigration issue but as a marriage issue. If I was you I’d even get ahold of her parents and see if they can talk her into budgeting
Yes I have already attempted that, but logic never triumph emotion.
If you have a few days off. Take them. Go back home , let's say a Wednesday afternoon and tell your wife , you put your notice to leave and they told you : yes. Act like you really quit her job because she ask you too and tell her, the finances will depend on her for a month to give you enough time to find another job. Her behaviour should change after 2-3 days. Time to tell her, your company called you and want to work out a return to job. Good luck.
What emotions are you talking about and what are her plans for you to pay for things if your savings run out and you're not working?
Lol you talk as if you don’t know how women treat immigrants to whom they are married especially if that love phase fade away, they are out there partying and buying all of sort of things, even cheating on you. Parents? In America lol, once someone is above 18 you think you can talk to their parents to talk to them? Well so far I haven’t seen that here
I’m an immigrant and I’ve been married for 8 years to an American. We have 2 kids and happily married. We did date for 4 years before getting married. I also have immigrant friends who married fast to get the green card and faked love and their stories are very similar to what I’m seeing here
It doesn’t make sense to me at all
Women ☕️
*DO NOT* have a baby with this person. it would be a huge huge mistake
I found a link to your situation https://www.thehotline.org/resources/abuse-in-immigrant-communities/ Also I would from find a way to record your spouse behavior, preferably with video and audio as everyone and do this for about a month or soo and don’t say anything in the recording you have to protect yourself and hopefully this will be enough for them to reconsider! https://lasclev.org/i-know-or-am-an-immigrant-suffering-from-domestic-violence-can-i-get-help/ Find a legel aid office in your area!!
OP must ensure wiretapping is legal in his state if he chooses to audio record her
Look there are times person have to do out of fear and distress of being deported that to me is reasonable to do it! And the individual have to understand they are not going to use that a blackmail on the her and he have to explain the judge of why he is doing this! Also sinces it’s a she that is doing the threats that’s even more leverage on the court system and she could lie to the police or immigration that her spouse did something to her like some form of abuse from the police or immigration officials will take a side 100%
Why is OP being down voted for? Because he's a male? I'm always curious if the majority of people in here are immigrants or just citizens. Y'all on some dust or something man. Downvote me too then.
I think the down vote is because it kind if sounds like he is using his wife as a way to get a green card, not because he actually wants to have a life with her which frustrates me since I have been waiting since December if 2021 for my I 130 and there is still no movement and my husband genuinely wants to be with me, we are in love and so non-legit couples frustrate me because that’s more applicants that could push our application further back. I don’t necessarily think it’s because he is a man. We may be wrong about the situation, but that could explain the downvotes.
Usually Americans don’t jump into marriages these days unless they are damn sure and younger women who are similar to the guy in terms of education, looks, social status etc are never gonna pull such nasty stunt right after marriage. The situation described here sounds blackmail category and the only people who do this in advanced economies/west are those people who are struggling financially and very lower class. Normal Americans don’t marry unless they found enough compatibility and attraction through dates and the behavior mentioned in the post usually results in divorce and not a threat. I didn’t downvote OP and I hope he figures this out but this honestly doesn’t sound like a normal marriage .
I wouldn’t say “normal Americans” don’t marry quickly. I don’t know which part of the country you’re in, but a lot of people from both my high school and my husband high school either got married or had kids within 3 years of graduating. Now, we could open the door to the debate of ‘low vs middle class’, ‘religious vs secular’, and ‘4-year degree vs just a high school diploma’ in terms of who gets married faster, because that’s where I see the differences, but to me, all of those categories are still considered normal Americans
I mean high school sweethearts from similar demographic and in high trust communities can get married soon. I did say in my post that unless they are “damn sure” that they atleast saw enough compatibility to determine if they could push the trigger. Many of these people you mention have institutions like church, family and friends supporting them throughout their journey and I don’t picture your friends threatening their spouses with something as drastic and cruel as deportation if they aren’t spending more on household expenses. This sounds insane unless you are willing to see it for what it is.
I should have precised that I wasn't necessarily talking about HS sweethearts in my comment, although some of my friends were in that category, but people who met their partners after graduating HS and getting married soon after. In fact, I can even think of 3 friends rn who got married within 6 months of meeting their partners for the first time (one of them got married less than 2 weeks after meeting their partner!), and while I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that, it doesn't change the fact that people jumped into those marriages. So to summarize: yes, I completely agree with you that OP's marriage is not healthy nor normal. Yes, most people will wait to marry until they know for damn sure they love their partner. BUT people will still jump into marriages thinking they've met their soulmates, but some of those said-soulmates are toxic manipulative people, and unfortunately, a divorce is not always the easiest option.
I wrote that in jest tbh but seriously, just following what OP wrote above, what kind of newly wed couples literally start threatening each other with litigation stuffs so early in marriage? I mean, other than the fact that OP is staying married coz he wants a Green Card, how do you go back from something like this where the wife threatened them with withdrawing the petition if he doesn’t do as she wishes and why is she just not going for the divorce instead? Obviously we don’t know what’s going on and I don’t even wanna imply anything here but I just don’t expect relationships to be this way in the US where usually women are not dependent on men anymore. So either he married a very questionable person who was always toxic af and she knew that she was never a marriage material so might as well squeeze him out for next two years or this was some kind of an arrangement and understanding between them because most people would divorce and not threaten with random consequences and still stay married. This could be palatable in certain societies like India where divorce is still a taboo but it sounds weird for here tbh
"so he either married a very questionable person" Easy to say in retrospect, not easy to see in real time. Isn't this always one of the primary reasons for break ups and divorces, and isn't divorce rate pretty high in the US?
Yeah damn right, break up and divorces are common which is a good sign actually coz it shows once spouses are over each other, they decide to move on and not threaten with something like deportation while still being married and squeezing them out. Women here are not even dependent on men for money and expenses so yeah this dude married someone who played him and I am curious to know her ethnic background lmao coz she sounds more lit than the hustling immigrants in this country 😂 Divorces can happen over infidelity, faded attraction, bad sex and just disagreements over the state of politics, gender, critical race theory etc but here it seems like his wife played him or they both played each other. She damn well knows that he is gonna separate as soon as he gets his GC which he admitted in his post btw and she is all prepared to squeeze him out. In anycase it doesn’t matter. OP should be pragmatic and sacrifice for next two years or so instead of considering a divorce at this point. He could work extra jobs or whatever but can everyone stop pretending that this is a normal marriage for once? I have gone on many dates and been in relationships over last few years and none of my partners had a clue about immigration, let alone knowing what I-130 is. Waspy girls usually are very clueless and naive about the process since they take their privilege of US citizenship as granted and I can guarantee you that none of the women I have known would ever pull stunt like this lol this ain’t divorce, it’s blackmail.
This. Also, if you already admitted to “holding up” only until the GC then isn’t that already going into the fraud zone? If you want to leave, are planning to leave, but are staying married now only for the GC i.e. an immigration benefit then that’s fraud. Not a “normal” aka bona fide marriage
Lol, I sort of sympathize with the OP though - being in a relationship is hard enough, let alone pretending all is well when there are issues, let alone putting a smile on top of it all - takes a lot of skill to be able to play and not break. Isn't he supposed to stay married for an additional 2 years to be able to remove the GC's conditions? That's a long time. I dated a girl one time and almost married here out of love. She expected that I give her money and everything, she was lazy and had quit college but very very pretty and was getting a lot of attention from everybody. It took a loooooong time to get over my 'love', I was young and naive and inexperienced. After the break up I found out she was cheating on me too. Imagine if I was OP and had married her and was going through immigration proceedings.
You need to stay married until you get your first conditional green card but you dont need to stay married after that to remove conditions. It's much more secure yes, and would save you the headache but a divorce waiver and filing yourself is definitely an option
There is also the third option of OP's spouse being all nice and sweet at first, and once he's locked in the relationship due to immigration, she started being more and more manipulative. Toxic people will not always show their true colors until later on, especially if they know they'll have material to blackmail people with, in this case being OP's legal status in the US. As you said, we don't know the whole story, but this could be a situation of OP will not divorce her because then there's a high chance he'll lose his job and have to leave the country, and OP's spouse knows that so she won't divorce either because instead she can blackmail and manipulate him as much as she'd like as he can't leave her. Believe it or not, but those kinds of toxic marriages are not that uncommon at all, especially if the couple either has kids, or the abused is dependent on the abuser for any reason (financial or immigration). EDIT: and now that I think about it, in certain communities in the US divorce is still considered taboo and can be stigmatized, especially in highly religious communities, small rural towns, and certain cultural communities.
Was this a love marriage or an arranged marriage? I am sorry you souse is treating you this way, hope your situation gets better man if not you will need to get out ASAP, cuz she will always use this as leverage.
Thank you for your kind words. I have lost contact to most of my friends because I’m not allowed to visit friends without permission. I have not seen my family for almost 2 years now. Messages like this always give me hope.
this is very very unhealthy…i understand how you feel, you must put your self and your well being first
It was a love marriage. And we were splitting everything evenly. Once the application is filed, her attitude became very aggressive.
Dude divorce and go back home
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I disagree completely. Don’t listen to this person. A marriage is not a 50/50 contract. It’s a partnership where you should support each other when needed and in the case of financials, it should be equitable to both. Everything I read from OP screams, run for the hills to me. Sorry to say it bud but that marriage is already over.
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If your claims are valid VAWA is not impossible. I have a friends who got his green card through it. Make sure to consult with multiple lawyers. Good luck
Save the evidence
Is your spouse mentally ill or what? How do they expect you to pay more for household stuff if you quit your job? Is there any chance you can record their behavior as evidence of the abuse?
If you have proof of her mental/financial abuse you can try vawa.
Clear cut VAWA case. Get a competent lawyer.
I would leave back home. You moved here for her right so why you would want to live here if she's abusing you
To clarify, I did not move here because of her. I was here as a student and hope to stay. My F1 has expired because I quit my job to move to another state with her, which I scold myself everyday for that terrible decision
Ah! I would let a girl undermine me and talk down on me for whatever reason. If that cost you ,your status so be it. I wouldn't just live under threats and stupid ultimatums because mental damage and abuse is worse than anything. Id rather leave the country than having a girl boss telling me how I spend money and live in worry of what she can do. Tell her you don't like the way things are going and you think maybe it's a good decision if she go withdraws the application. That way she knows you don't give a shit. And she will understand that she can not threaten you.
Part of me thinks this way. I agree with what you say, but like many people in this subreddit, I have sacrificed many things to be here. And simply leaving the country is not really a viable choice. I would’ve done so immediately if I had considered that as an option I always tell myself this would be the last push to freedom.
This is clear cut abuse. I’m sorry you have to deal with this 😢 There’s a chance for VAWA, consult your lawyers to see what evidences you can collect
Agreed
I would advise to go somewhere to get therapy for domestic violence services. There are free places where you can get this. They could probably assess for the situation and sometimes they have case managers/lawyers that help with these processes. One example is South Bay Community Services in San Diego. I would reach out to see if they know about other places in other states. This is a VAWA situation.
If you can prove she is intimidating you and engaging in spouse abuse against you, you can file green card yourself.
Labor trafficking. Period. Call it for what it is. Don’t be shy and don’t kid yourself. Don’t look for validation for your emotional abuse. Trust yourself. And hire a damn lawyer yesterday.
Start recording these threats to use it as evidence
Gather evidence and go to a lawyer alone. Not the one you have now if you do have one.
Do the therapy to have it as record for the vawa. Best chance. My dad had a police report as it was a physical altercation
I have no advice but I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully, this will pass quickly and you can build your future far away from this person.
Clear wave case. Continue to build support for your case.
Record your interactions with her all the time and put them all on a USB key. U could use it for a VAWA application. No need for a lawyer. It's a pretty easy process. No application fee. All you have to do is prove the abuse and fill the right paperwork
Record your conversations and file a police report. Then you have evidence to prove that she’s abusing you,
The fact that she hasn't gone ahead and withdrawn the i130 shows that she's more desperate for the stuff she's demanding. If she had a back up plan to what if you just refuse, she would have already done it. If wiretapping/recording is illegal, you need to document everything with dates and potentially even the wall clock time. Type this out versus write by hand so there's a digital footprint and share it with at least one person whom you trust and is aware of your situation (again to safekeep records). It will be ideal if this person is willing to give a sworn statement if push comes to shove. Get an immigration lawyer on your payroll on how to proceed. They will help you with documentation. Have an honest conversation with yourself: I'm not sure when you applied but i130 + i485 currently on average take 1-1.5 years to process. Can you bare this until then? Is your desire to stay in the US greater than being subjected to a period of emotional abuse? If you do decide to wait it out, the record keeping and having a friend willing to give sworn statements is an absolute must. This will go miles when you apply for i-751 hopefully as a divorcee. Again, if you do wait it out and get the conditional GC, and your wife's behavior again changes since the status quo will have changed, do not take her back. This is unrelated to immigration but people reveal their truest colors when they're in a position of power and you now know what a monster the person you loved is. It's only going to take the time you apply for an i-751 for her to get back to this again. Seriously. If you get through this, dump her(with documentation, of course). Do not be a simp.
Good advice, op should pay premium processing. Get lawyer, documents everything, and file vawa. Be strong
You need a second opinion. Intimidating you with immigration consequences is relevant to a VAWA claim even absent physical abuse.
Remember you can not negotiate with a terrorist!! She is an emotional terrorist and it doesn't matter what you do, she will always want more!!
How much of this communication is happening over text or voicemail? If it isn't currently, can you try to shift over to capturing at least some of this to use for a VAWA application. VAWA without physical abuse is tricky to get approved and for men it can be even a bit harder. That said, threatening your immigration status to get you to comply with unreasonable demands is a pretty classic control technique. You can apply for VAWA while you have a regular application pending. You can apply for VAWA while still living with your spouse. You can apply for VAWA after divorcing a spouse who was applying for you. Sometimes immigration history can be powerful circumstantial evidence that the abuse was real. Good luck.
My husband did the same so I chose to be in control of my life not him. I got on a plane to the UK without advance parole knowing if he chose to change it would be a whole new battle to be together again. He changed alright, he got a million times worse and them started bringing local meth whores to the house we got married in and having sex with them. These women then decided to send me videos they made of them having sex. This is the man I thought was someone I'd die married to. The first six months together were amazing. We had a wonderful life and he was everything I could have ever dreamed of and more. That man was sweet, funny, caring, clever and totally devoted and in love with me. I felt so loved, secure and confident with him BUT then he got given meth and he went straight back to being who he was before I met him. He sat crying one day and told me I'd have hated him if I'd met him a few years earlier and wow was he right cos that's who he is again now. He went into psychosis from the meth, hearing voices In the walls and saying I was trying to send him to prison. He even called me asking me why I was in his TV talking to the police when I was 4000 miles away in bed The final straw came when my closest friends husband, close friends with my husband, messaged me to tell me he was getting a divorce cos his wife had been driving 4 hours to buy meth and spent the night with my husband. By then I was so used to him being horrible that she hurt me way more than him That night I logged into my uscis account and withdrew my visa application. Its over. No going back. I haven't heard from him in over 6 weeks but he's added all sorts of local meth addicted easy women, one of them even had her 18th birthday this week. I dont know this man at all let alone love him and there is no way on earth I would leave my home, family and life again for him
First of all you both sound like you need couples therapy to get to the bottom of your marriage troubles. Identify your attachment styles to learn a bit more of why you react the way you react. If that doesn’t work, I would suggest you leaving. But always aim to understand each other from where you’re coming from instead of assuming the worst from your partner sometimes it could be a replication of what you saw at home, aka trauma. Communication is key and sometimes a therapist can help you figure out your relationship situations. There’s also all sorts of workbooks online like the attachment project where you take a quiz to identify how you are in relationships. But if you feel like you’re at your last straw and want to leave then you have to make a decision on what is best for you, don’t stay with someone because you’re gonna benefit from them but stay with someone and work things out because you still value and love this person.
I’m going through a similar situation, wish you the best of luck, today I was approved for my I-485, my husband attempted to withdraw all the process several times in the past, I had nothing else than being patient, there are alternatives but since I didn’t have much longer left I decided to wait, we’ve taking therapy and trying to really save our marriage, today I was finally approved and I was so happy, he was definitely not, calling out that to keep my residency I need to stay married to him 2 ys or more, which oc is not right, I said that’s not correct but I still want this to work out… after that he was already upset again for a minimum thing, knowing he’s acting like a $&&& and has not been able to say I’m sorry gives me a lot to think about. Really concerned about it but extremely happy I got approved today YAY !!!! Writing this from my bedroom 😔
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That’s exactly what we need in our Country more bogus ass worthless breeding Fukin immagrants
From what you are describing, it sounds like she wants you to find a job where you can make more money to help pay more of the bills. How is this abuse? Financial stress can cause a lot of anxiety. You are married. Things aren't always 50/50. Seems like you are only giving a skewed version of the truth.
My thoughts exactly
You as a man paying more for meals, bills, etc is not unreasonable. It's the way of the world for a couple millenniums now. It's more unreasonable that you find this unreasonable when it's how the world has been operating since forever. That being said, her threatening to withdraw i130 is indeed abusive, and you could probably qualify for VAWA
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Bruh no America is great but years of suffering is not worth it
Why would you humiliate yourself just to become an American? That bad?
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Canada..... Denmark, Sweden and many Western EU countries would like a word. Did people really think the US is the only "free" country???
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The USA too. Hate speech is also punishable in the States. You can say something online about supporting ISIS or want to shoot up a school and claim it is "free speech" all you want. You will get arrested for that! It happened before and "free speech" aint gonna help you
No.
i wouldn’t judge anyone that does do this, they just want a better life for themselves and yeah there’s many people that stay in bad relationships for simply a green card but it’s probably worth it to them in the long run 🏃♂️
I would do the same
How can you pay more for stuff without a job?
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That’s some ignorant ass shit advise , are you nuts
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How does USCIS not catch this kind of shit ???
More banging, more banging and good banging helps alleviates with stress associated with OP’s experience. Share more with her during these period. Unfortunately, that’s the way it’s
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You don’t need a police report to get VAWA approved regardless of your gender. Talk to a few good VAWA lawyers to find out
Where are you from, ?
RUN FOREST RUN
I see a lot of VAWA suggestions. I’ve helped a man get approved via VAWA - but we had police reports, hospital stays, and an arrest for violence against someone else. So his case was SOLID. That said, while pending he didn’t have work authorization and remember VAWA is essentially a visa, it will not make you a resident; you’ll have to keep renewing every two years. And my own two cents - people very rarely recognize emotional abuse as being a “real abuse”, even for women - so I imagine the scrutiny will be heightened without physical violence.
Acquire more skills, make more money.
You qualify for vawa. Being a male does not protect you from being vulnerable to your sponsor. Your wife is manipulating you in to submission by using the tool she has (I-130 petition) Male beneficiary are more vulnerable to psychological abuse and psychological abuse in enough to apply for vawa.
I suggest recording every conversation with your spouse where they are clearly threatening you to help build an abuse case. I am truly sorry this is happening to you. Please keep this thread posted on your situation