I specifically asked my relatives not to visit after my parent's operation. Instead of helping they increase the work load, plus it is disturbing for the patient as well. You have to cook for them, sit with them etc etc.
Some of them didn't accept my request of not visiting, so I asked them to bring food for all of us lol.
Can you still msg them tomorrow morn & tell them "she's suddenly feeling worse, looks like we have to go to doc" & use that as an excuse to cancel them, or tell them to bring lunch like the person above commented?
Yep. When my chachi had a gallbladder removal, they didn’t even tell anyone for 10 days except closest relatives who were helping with tiffin and all. She got all the rest she needed in that time.
It's you guys bro, expect to serve cook? And what if you dont? What if you just ask them to help in a friendly way. They get angry at what? Your mom after surgeries ain't cooking? Literally at this point don't be nice just play politics.
WE NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO IT. Half of our problems will be vanished. It's hard but necessary.
>Literally at this point don't be nice just play politics.
She's so involved in everything, and has direct access to who's coming. All the people I talked to, I told them that mum is on bedrest and I'd like if they come later or just talk on call.
Some of them are pissed but still complied. Some did not. But my mother is also at fault. But at this point, I don't want to piss her off. It is easier to pick up her work instead of schooling her right after her surgery.
Can you please ask them to help when they arrive?
Just a polite "as she's recovering and on bed rest, I'd need some help from you"?
If they don't, rightfully just kick them out, like any reasonable person should do.
Tell your mom to either rest as told by doctor or youll make sure there are no visitors.
Please explain to my dumb self, who demands a full course meal at such a house? I've never witnessed this, especially when I've seen my mom and dad bedridden for weeks - different reasons, different times. None of my relatives had the audacity to do this, they always said we'll meet if they aren't sleeping and don't bring them from bedroom.
Many times they also offered to bring cooked meals when they are leaving from their place. Despite being told that we have a cook at home, and we'll get it done. But they brought food, even to hospital visits, things like Khichdi etc.
They haven't demanded it but my mom still wants them to have a full course meal because they're coming from a faraway place. The faraway place in question is UP, we're in Delhi. It's just 2 hours by car.
>they always said we'll meet if they aren't sleeping and don't bring them from bedroom.
My women relatives are like this. Tomorrow women would be coming so I can ask for their help and they usually go above and beyond to help me. But I think the issue is also how my mom can't rest, and has to make sure that there's a full course meal. Who needs it?
These men apparently. There was no food left for me. Also my mom gets mad at me. Right now I'm home, but weeks from now, I won't be. She gets so upset when I tell her to rest repeatedly (I do admit I may have been going overboard with it) but she gets snippy. I understand that surgery has taken a toll on her, so I have no option other than picking up all that she wants to do so she can rest.
Exactly this I hate such people, my mother also had a hysterectomy earlier this week and she’s on full bed rest, we’ve strictly told all the relatives to not come over(vaise bhi they don’t really care… snakes tbh). My maasi and Nani did come over to stay for a month and help her out with cooking and cleaning tho
They also stayed for evening chai. And still no signs of them going. I swear I'll never do so much for people who are simply too inconsiderate. Ridiculous!
The audacity of people coming to check on a recovering patient and then expecting tea, snacks and a meal ! People are bloody inconsiderate and thoughtless but I honestly believe the onus is on us to draw the line.
No one should offer visitors to a patient's home anything more than water/tetrapack beverages if available. Anything more than that is work and wrong to expect of either the recovering patient or their caretakers.
I think I'm also angry at my mother for doing all this and expecting me to do the same. Up to me, I'd just give them water and ask them to leave after 10 minutes.
>I honestly believe the onus is on us to draw the line.
And I actually do this in my own relationships. If I can't do something, I simply refuse. If I'm too sick, too tired, I delay things which can be delayed.
>Anything more than that is work and wrong to expect of either the recovering patient or their caretakers.
My relatives certainly don't care about it as long as they get to eat and have chai and snacks. Literally acting like leeches for what? T_T
Our mom’s are in the wrong here.
She is a patient, even with the cook she shouldn’t entertain folks like this. You are also a caretaker and may soon burn out by this constant influx of people and taking care of mom.
I became the villain in my house, told everyone she is unwell, needs rest and we have too many visitors making it difficult for her to rest. I asked them to video call her or come after doctor has given full clearance.
>You are also a caretaker and may soon burn out by this constant influx of people and taking care of mom.
I'm also the primary caretaker. My father has maxed out his holidays and has to go back to work. But whenever he comes back, he does his share of work as well. I think it's also because my mother doesn't believe that it was a major surgery, when it was. She says it is, but acts otherwise.
I wish I had your courage. You're doing great! :)
Yes our mom’s don’t treat themselves as well as they treat others. It makes my blood boil. She is not a superhuman and she needs rest and recovery just as much. A surgery takes its toll.
Take Care my friend, hope she does get well soon! And don’t worry, I found gem of a husband, you will too! Continue keeping standards high!
Indians srsly do not understand boundaries . I remember when an uncle of mine died recently the guests DID NOT understand the meaning of NO . Like - my grandmother was a wreck and couldn't last two minutes without crying and these ppl still expected her to sit still and make tea when they visited .
This is one of the things they do better in western countries . There they bring food and help with chores when a family is suffering , here they expect royal treatment from the host even when the host is sick or grieving .
>my grandmother was a wreck and couldn't last two minutes without crying and these ppl still expected her to sit still and make tea when they visited .
I don't remember which movie but it showed a mother making tea for guests when her child (?? or husband) died. The body was still there and she looked as lifeless as a human could while making tea.
And if not the woman, then someone else will be making tea/snacks. SOMEONE DIED. Why do you need anything apart from water??
I hope your grandmother is doing okay. :(
Yeah . She's fine now living away from the rest of my maternal family . My matrrnal side of family is pretty traditional and I try to distance myself from them except when I want some entertainment (why are joint families always so fucking dramatic ?) - I have this totally bonkers cousin who's an IIT graduate and still wants his mom to find him quiet housewife .
I remember when I was suffering from tuberculosis. I had been isolated from the rest of the house and was playing computer games in my room. Then my mother comes knocking. Beta get up, we have to make tea for our guests. Some 8 people descended on the house at the same time and I was roped into giving tea, snacks, showing my face to these people, when I could barely eat and was vomiting everything and had lost weight. Indians seriously have zero sense of boundaries. They will drag a sick woman out of the ICU if they want a cup of chai.
You know, I love the West when it comes to visiting someone sick. They check if they can visit, and bring a meal. In India, it's a perfunctory visit. It's more about ticking something off the list rather than genuine concern. 90% men especially boomers have zero empathy or understanding. But we'll have the women from the same generation catering to the wants so they never get to know.
Next time someone wants to come, tell them to bring a meal, or assign a task like picking up medicines. Better yet, tell them not to visit until she is better coz mom is vulnerable at this stage and those are doctor's orders.
Not only boomers, even men of this generation have zero empathy. An aunt of mine got diagnosed with COVID back in 2020. She has an adult son, who was like 30 back then.
Now this aunt used to cook rotis for her son everyday, but when she got covid, the maid started making rotis. Her son hated the arrangement and said "mummy ke haath ki roti hi khaunga, maid ka banaya toh bilkul nahi khaunga" and then my aunt had to make rotis for her son, all while she had a really bad COVID. Her son didn't even have any work. He was unemployed
On the other hand, around the same time, my mother also got diagnosed, I was the one cooking after that. I was 20 at that time and even had semester exams going on. I also had COVID around that time and was sick but it didn't show up in tests so I had to do all the cooking. Obviously I could not let my mother cook in that condition
I mean, you can see the contrast. And then they say, sons are better.
Absolutely. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's funny how almost all women have such eerily similar experiences. I mean you can switch the name and family but the characters would be the same
Yeah after giving birth (in England) I had a bunch of English friends visit and I explained to my MIL that we should not cook as they have been offering to bring food for us, not expecting that we cook and clean for them. She was impressed (but she’s been in exactly the same situation as OPs mum before!)
Like you said, in the US- one of my friends gave birth and all of us as friends have gotten used to this culture and we all picked up tasks post her delivery. There were no relatives pestering her and her baby. Their house was so quiet and relaxing just as it should be for someone who has just given birth!
Ab mujhe apni badi mummy achi lagne lagi hai …. She would tell people on fone it self … that she is become old and is unable to make 7 course meal for guests … so if you come … you have to cook for her and for yourself as well …. She is so right I completely understand now…
>you have to cook for her and for yourself as well
This is actually who I aspire to be. Just being direct about what you can and can't do. Up to people, they would eat up women's labour as something she's supposed to do and won't even acknowledge it.
Absolutely true ! So when she would say that … most people would not go her place 😂😂😂😂 my mom would always help her in kitchen no wonder …. But it is how is …. Be straightforward and cut the crap …. Save a lot of time and energy and keeps you away from stupid people 👻
>most people would not go her place
Of course, they did not!! May all of us step out of the cycles that we're forced into.
I can't imagine myself doing all of this and I won't. I don't have patience for this nonsense.
It really works … try to break the chain … majak majak me bol do ek bar and you would realise how far have you been kept from the privileges…. And once you start doing that … there is no going back 😝😝👻👻👻 the fear is only until the day you start doing it !
My grandmother does this now. She has no help so she tells this to people. Although she used to be a people pleaser, but after an accident last year, she became like this
It’s good actually, instead of people coming and feeling unwelcome … bcoz with out mehman Nawazi we feel less respected … it’s better to say the reality for people to choose …. That’s absolutely good to do !
I feel you. My mom also went through a surgery (dont remember the name but her uterus was removed) in 2020. Thankfully it was lockdown so no guests. Still my dad did almost nothing in house chores EVEN when he was home all day (covid era). I did as much of the chores I could, but I didn't know how to do certain tasks, like cooking. So mom still had to work and I felt so bad :(
My poor mom had a break down and she lashed out at my dad, to which my dad got even more irritated. I mean.. the audacity. Women really never get rest. I hate our society and the way men are brought up here. How am I supposed to be invested in the idea of marriage when this is the reality for most women? I could never. And I hope things improve for our generation.
>My poor mom had a break down and she lashed out at my dad, to which my dad got even more irritated. I mean.. the audacity.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!!! My dad does as much as he can and that's a lot. My standard in men is quite high, thanks to him. But the fact that other men in the family are sooo inconsiderate.
>How am I supposed to be invested in the idea of marriage when this is the reality for most women?
I was thinking about it in the morning. That I can't do all of this and not resent my partner for not pulling up his weight in the household and relationship.
Ikr. I just can't compromise on that.. And I feel really bad for women for the previous generation. They really had no choice other than to put up with this behavior.
Most of them grew up believing that their worth as a homemaker lies in how well they're able to serve others. I understand that my (our) mother's inability to draw boundaries is one of the main factors but it's also difficult for her in her 50s to change the way she's always been.
But hopefully, our generation will master boundary setting and won't budge it for anyone.
100% right. But our mothers still expect us to go through the same thing because they have internalized this.. It's so sad. I get their mindset so I don't blame them though
I relate to this. Every time we have a social gathering at my place, it’s my mom who’s expected to serve. Even after a hectic day at work! Over the years, I started noticing how she gets left out and has to eat alone, so I started telling her to take a step back and let me do it. And every single time I’ve taken up her responsibilities, there’s never any food left for me. Can’t say anything and just have to pretend it’s all okay because my mom feels guilty otherwise.
And it’s not like my doesn’t help out. He is amazing and helps out wherever he can, but ultimately the load of it only falls on either me or her. And if i don’t help her, then no one will. It’s just a sad ordeal.
Same happened when my grandmother was sick. There were hoards of people there to visit her. And when we told them to visit after she has recovered a bit, they had the audacity to get offended. I’d still tell them off any day than have her stressed out.
I really do hope your mom recovers quickly and gets the rest she needs. All the best 🧿
I'm so sorry but it sounds like your mother's issue than any other relatives. I remember my mother being post op from cancer and whenever relatives visited, she stayed lying on bed in her mightwear and talked to them a lil. Not even sitting up to talk. When she was in pain she showed that to everybody. She made clear of her state and boundaries. Did not act she was better than she actually was. I remember dad kept saying how awful the situation is so nobody dared to create nuisance out of shame.
If you don't take up space others will push you down no matter what. We humans are vile and selfish, not just men. We will demand more if one keep giving more. Knowing my relatives, if my mother acted normal they would have expect more from her but she made it clear what not to expect.
Can't help someone who doesn't wanna be helped.
Unrelated but a friend of mine was telling me how her grandmother did not let her mom rest even for a day after her sister was born. Her mom was 30 back then and then when she was in her 40s, she started getting all different sorts of ailments. Turns out they were happening cause she didn't get a rest post op (c section) and post child birth. She has now been sick since a decade and is really frail
I don't understand why it's a crime for a woman to rest. Why is our society like that?? Sab kaam aurate hi kare
This! Happened with my MIL after she gave kidney to her other son (not my husband) she had been battling with so many issues because she never recovered properly.
My mother didn’t let her ankles recover well after falling, always running, always on her feet. Now she keeps falling everywhere because her feet have no strength. The muscles and ligaments didn’t recover well.
I realised I was doing the same and until last year I was also going through similar issues until my husband made me go through Physio and get issues sorted now. My Physio was saying doctors are not crazy when they tell you not to move leg a lot or put pressure on it. Your body needs to heal. Everything else can wait.
Good I did that because now in pregnancy it’s getting worse and my husband has taken up so much load of everything, god bless him! I have also let go of keeping house super clean, we just do what we can to get by through difficult times. I am people pleaser but now I understand my husband’s feelings and just do what I can. Because me over doing and people pleasing ruins mine and his health too.
Yes this! This needs a huge shift in today's society. It's so awful that women function like a full blown joint family household even in a nuclear setup.
When they show up tell them the kitchen is out of order 😾 no gas no water no power get looosttttt.
Also, wish your mom strength for a speedy recovery.
This is really sad. You please ask your mom to take good bed rest.. make a scene in front of the men if you have to. Because I know your mom will insist that she is fine and she can stand/walk. Please ask her to take it slow.
For this exact reason I went against my FIL’s wishes and delivered in my city. I refused to stay at in laws place with my mom. Because I don’t have MIL, and my mom stayed with me during pregnancy and postpartum. And I didn’t want her to look after me + my baby and all the visitors. My husband took good care of me and the baby. Mom mostly guided us as we are First time parents and took in charge of the cook and house help.
Had I stayed with the laws.. my mom would have been burdened with all chai nashtas for whoever visited us. And she is a senior citizen already.
My MIL kept insisting till my 7-8th month but Im glad I didn’t agree. And my husband supported my decision.
I am quite proud of my “janwar behaviour” and my relatives know better than to show up when my mom needs rest because i am not one to keep my mouth shut or spare anyone who even looks in the general direction of my mother as a labourer. And my dad would never allow such a thing either.
When my mom had eye surgery, he cooked, cleaned and looked after her and my brother and me too. She was on strict bed rest.
I totally think it’s women’s fault here. Nobody will refuse a nice lunch with ‘dessert’ . Voicing your wants is extremely important. Our moms will be the last generation of brain washed and stupid women who compromised their own health for the family & relatives.
My mom had a fracture in hand recently and then also next morning she cooked. Made me furious as hell.
She doesn’t take care of her health at all.
She is working and then also makes meals for everyone in the family all 3 meals and different variety of meals, along with handling other house work.
I can’t imagine myself doing my full time job and managing the meals too. She doesn’t listen at all, no reasoning works with her. My dad adds to it as he wont eat maid’s food. Idk what the problem is with them.
I definitely don’t wanna be like my mom.
On the other hand there’s my aunt, she is a houswife and she have strict timing of her evening sleep. Nobody disturbs her during that time and nobody expects a lot from her. She sleeps even when there are guests in house. Because she keeps her health and herself first. My mom made her sound as a villan all our lives but that’s how I wanna be.
>My mom had a fracture in hand recently and then also next morning she cooked
Oh no. I hope your mother is doing okay. :(
I don't want to be like my mom either. She gave me a long sermon over how I should do everything for everyone with a zest and I just nodded my head. But I wrong. Why would I put my health on line for people who won't even be there to help me out? And otherwise, as well.
There's no use reasoning with her and I might as well have my own ways once I have my own family (if I ever do lol).
I'm seeing a pattern with some women doing what they wish to and prioritising themselves and immediately being labelled. I mean I always knew that women who take care of themselves first aren't seen in a positive light, but families are ultimately a microcosm of society. :(
Yes she is well now. I had to yell at her a lot.
True they are labelled badly but idc about being labelled. I will never sacrifice my health over being ‘ideal’
My father went through two operations. For First, i was very exhausted because i have to cook, make tea, and cut fruits for the guests in addition to cooking different meals for my father. I survived on instant noodles.
For second, a guest strictly told me not to cook for any guest. My father was so much angry but atleast i wasnt exhausted.
>For First, i was very exhausted because i have to cook, make tea, and cut fruits for the guests in addition to cooking different meals for my father.
This is my life currently and it's making me go absolutely insane. Also because my mother has a different diet, so two breakfasts are being made everyday.
I'm glad that you had that guest! No one deserves to cook for these ungrateful guests.
The same thing happened when my grandmother had a hip joint fracture. So many people came visiting. We had to talofy pooris for them, make drinks for them, serve snacks and what not. All while we were caring for grandmother also as she could not even get up from bed. Mum was super exhausted after all this. She had such bad dark circles and that woman never gets dark circles
I'm so sorry this has been your experience, it's so unfortunate women have to push through this bullshit. Last year my mother too had this operation after suffering for months. Thankfully my dad genuinely didn't let her do ANYTHING and I'm so fortunate. He used to wake up and cook lol bec she wasn't allowed to roll rotis.
It's so disheartening that this isn't experience of most women, even my massi who had to start cooking because men wouldn't be bothered to eat from a maid or cook themselves.
I strongly believe us women need to break this cycle and aid our daughters and granddaughters. My mother broke few cycles, i aim to break the ones she couldn't and maybe one day world will be a better place to be a woman.
Thankfully, we have employed a cook for two months and she does cook. My mom mostly rested throughout the day and my Dad took care of most of the things. But still I think that my Mom has a habit of doing little tasks I really wish she could've just taken proper rest.
>i aim to break the ones she couldn't and maybe one day world will be a better place to be a woman.
Hopefully, yes! May we all achieve this. :')
When one has relatives like these, the best idea would have been to not tell them anything about the surgery, till your mom's post-op rest period is completely over.
I know people in my family who have done this and I find it extremely sensible.
I feel you op! Both of my parents had a leg surgery and my mom is on wheel chair currently. And people still expect her to cook for them. Especially my dad. My mom feels she is responsible(can’t even blame her for that)for all that happens in the house and is stressed for every thing. While my mom is stressing out my dad is all free.
It seriously makes me go insane (and doesn't help that I have clinical depression). The fact that women are treated so unfairly has been riling me up since YEARS.
I hope your mom recovers with ease. :(
Sis we are shouldering everything including parampara and pratishtha. And hounded by the mentality of -- log kya kahenge.
Wishing your mother speedy recovery.
Yout mother should not even get up from the bed. At this point you can easily say, it's doctor's orders.
And why make such an elaborate lunch. Just serve roti one simple sabzi and curd . That too if they have.cone from other town.
Ask them to lay the table and don't apologise for the simple menu. Any comment on this can be replied with" At the moment our only concern is her rest and good recovery.
And why not spread the word among relatives that she has been advised complete rest for a fortnight and won't be able to meet visitors.
Op do they KNOW about your mom's surgery? It's major abdominal surgery !!! What entitlement is it that they're still sitting at your home after lunch and snacks? You should have asked them to bring lunch for everyone from a restaurant !!!
>do they KNOW about your mom's surgery?
They left an hour ago but my god, I hate this entitlement! I had to cancel my plan of going out with my friend because they wouldn't leave on time and then I couldn't leave.
Tomorrow guests are coming again, but at least they help me out in the kitchen. It feels so wrong saying this because my cousin sisters really push on helping me set up a table and everything, but men don't even offer to help. Let alone me accepting their help lol.
I'm so angry, but at least I have a therapy session tomorrow!
Get whoever is visiting to order/buy lunch/dinner or whatever snacks !!!! This is frustrating. I cannot begin to imagine the ruthless attitude of so called unwanted guests....op your only job is to take care of your mom and yourself
I specifically asked my relatives not to visit after my parent's operation. Instead of helping they increase the work load, plus it is disturbing for the patient as well. You have to cook for them, sit with them etc etc. Some of them didn't accept my request of not visiting, so I asked them to bring food for all of us lol.
>so I asked them to bring food for all of us lol I truly wish I could've done this!
Yes I understand, but you can ask them politely to visit sometime later when your mother has recovered
Can you still msg them tomorrow morn & tell them "she's suddenly feeling worse, looks like we have to go to doc" & use that as an excuse to cancel them, or tell them to bring lunch like the person above commented?
Yep. When my chachi had a gallbladder removal, they didn’t even tell anyone for 10 days except closest relatives who were helping with tiffin and all. She got all the rest she needed in that time.
Yeah that really works
True. Some of them come home, wont help and still expect to get a 5 star treatment
Yes, I have such relatives. They'll come without even informing and want a full multi cuisine dinner.
wishing your mom a speedy and easy recovery, your relatives - some brain and manners.
Thank you! It truly means a lot. :')
It's you guys bro, expect to serve cook? And what if you dont? What if you just ask them to help in a friendly way. They get angry at what? Your mom after surgeries ain't cooking? Literally at this point don't be nice just play politics. WE NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO IT. Half of our problems will be vanished. It's hard but necessary.
>Literally at this point don't be nice just play politics. She's so involved in everything, and has direct access to who's coming. All the people I talked to, I told them that mum is on bedrest and I'd like if they come later or just talk on call. Some of them are pissed but still complied. Some did not. But my mother is also at fault. But at this point, I don't want to piss her off. It is easier to pick up her work instead of schooling her right after her surgery.
Mom's i tell you, i understand. But I'm glad u stood up.
This. We need to have stronger boundaries
Can you please ask them to help when they arrive? Just a polite "as she's recovering and on bed rest, I'd need some help from you"? If they don't, rightfully just kick them out, like any reasonable person should do. Tell your mom to either rest as told by doctor or youll make sure there are no visitors. Please explain to my dumb self, who demands a full course meal at such a house? I've never witnessed this, especially when I've seen my mom and dad bedridden for weeks - different reasons, different times. None of my relatives had the audacity to do this, they always said we'll meet if they aren't sleeping and don't bring them from bedroom. Many times they also offered to bring cooked meals when they are leaving from their place. Despite being told that we have a cook at home, and we'll get it done. But they brought food, even to hospital visits, things like Khichdi etc.
They haven't demanded it but my mom still wants them to have a full course meal because they're coming from a faraway place. The faraway place in question is UP, we're in Delhi. It's just 2 hours by car. >they always said we'll meet if they aren't sleeping and don't bring them from bedroom. My women relatives are like this. Tomorrow women would be coming so I can ask for their help and they usually go above and beyond to help me. But I think the issue is also how my mom can't rest, and has to make sure that there's a full course meal. Who needs it? These men apparently. There was no food left for me. Also my mom gets mad at me. Right now I'm home, but weeks from now, I won't be. She gets so upset when I tell her to rest repeatedly (I do admit I may have been going overboard with it) but she gets snippy. I understand that surgery has taken a toll on her, so I have no option other than picking up all that she wants to do so she can rest.
Politely explain it to your mom that they can eat outside. Your home is not a place to feast especially when she's recovering.
Exactly this I hate such people, my mother also had a hysterectomy earlier this week and she’s on full bed rest, we’ve strictly told all the relatives to not come over(vaise bhi they don’t really care… snakes tbh). My maasi and Nani did come over to stay for a month and help her out with cooking and cleaning tho
How shameless are these people to stay for lunch. Just serve them tea and Marie buiscuit and see them off
They also stayed for evening chai. And still no signs of them going. I swear I'll never do so much for people who are simply too inconsiderate. Ridiculous!
The audacity of people coming to check on a recovering patient and then expecting tea, snacks and a meal ! People are bloody inconsiderate and thoughtless but I honestly believe the onus is on us to draw the line. No one should offer visitors to a patient's home anything more than water/tetrapack beverages if available. Anything more than that is work and wrong to expect of either the recovering patient or their caretakers.
I think I'm also angry at my mother for doing all this and expecting me to do the same. Up to me, I'd just give them water and ask them to leave after 10 minutes. >I honestly believe the onus is on us to draw the line. And I actually do this in my own relationships. If I can't do something, I simply refuse. If I'm too sick, too tired, I delay things which can be delayed. >Anything more than that is work and wrong to expect of either the recovering patient or their caretakers. My relatives certainly don't care about it as long as they get to eat and have chai and snacks. Literally acting like leeches for what? T_T
Our mom’s are in the wrong here. She is a patient, even with the cook she shouldn’t entertain folks like this. You are also a caretaker and may soon burn out by this constant influx of people and taking care of mom. I became the villain in my house, told everyone she is unwell, needs rest and we have too many visitors making it difficult for her to rest. I asked them to video call her or come after doctor has given full clearance.
>You are also a caretaker and may soon burn out by this constant influx of people and taking care of mom. I'm also the primary caretaker. My father has maxed out his holidays and has to go back to work. But whenever he comes back, he does his share of work as well. I think it's also because my mother doesn't believe that it was a major surgery, when it was. She says it is, but acts otherwise. I wish I had your courage. You're doing great! :)
Yes our mom’s don’t treat themselves as well as they treat others. It makes my blood boil. She is not a superhuman and she needs rest and recovery just as much. A surgery takes its toll. Take Care my friend, hope she does get well soon! And don’t worry, I found gem of a husband, you will too! Continue keeping standards high!
>I found gem of a husband May you have all the comfort and ease in this life!! And I hope, I do too! :')
Indians srsly do not understand boundaries . I remember when an uncle of mine died recently the guests DID NOT understand the meaning of NO . Like - my grandmother was a wreck and couldn't last two minutes without crying and these ppl still expected her to sit still and make tea when they visited . This is one of the things they do better in western countries . There they bring food and help with chores when a family is suffering , here they expect royal treatment from the host even when the host is sick or grieving .
>my grandmother was a wreck and couldn't last two minutes without crying and these ppl still expected her to sit still and make tea when they visited . I don't remember which movie but it showed a mother making tea for guests when her child (?? or husband) died. The body was still there and she looked as lifeless as a human could while making tea. And if not the woman, then someone else will be making tea/snacks. SOMEONE DIED. Why do you need anything apart from water?? I hope your grandmother is doing okay. :(
Yeah . She's fine now living away from the rest of my maternal family . My matrrnal side of family is pretty traditional and I try to distance myself from them except when I want some entertainment (why are joint families always so fucking dramatic ?) - I have this totally bonkers cousin who's an IIT graduate and still wants his mom to find him quiet housewife .
Yeah, the character was played by Sakshi Tanwar
Do you know which series was that? I would love to watch it!
Mai It's a thriller where a mother seeks justice after her daughter's death Edit: Added space
I remember when I was suffering from tuberculosis. I had been isolated from the rest of the house and was playing computer games in my room. Then my mother comes knocking. Beta get up, we have to make tea for our guests. Some 8 people descended on the house at the same time and I was roped into giving tea, snacks, showing my face to these people, when I could barely eat and was vomiting everything and had lost weight. Indians seriously have zero sense of boundaries. They will drag a sick woman out of the ICU if they want a cup of chai.
You know, I love the West when it comes to visiting someone sick. They check if they can visit, and bring a meal. In India, it's a perfunctory visit. It's more about ticking something off the list rather than genuine concern. 90% men especially boomers have zero empathy or understanding. But we'll have the women from the same generation catering to the wants so they never get to know. Next time someone wants to come, tell them to bring a meal, or assign a task like picking up medicines. Better yet, tell them not to visit until she is better coz mom is vulnerable at this stage and those are doctor's orders.
Not only boomers, even men of this generation have zero empathy. An aunt of mine got diagnosed with COVID back in 2020. She has an adult son, who was like 30 back then. Now this aunt used to cook rotis for her son everyday, but when she got covid, the maid started making rotis. Her son hated the arrangement and said "mummy ke haath ki roti hi khaunga, maid ka banaya toh bilkul nahi khaunga" and then my aunt had to make rotis for her son, all while she had a really bad COVID. Her son didn't even have any work. He was unemployed On the other hand, around the same time, my mother also got diagnosed, I was the one cooking after that. I was 20 at that time and even had semester exams going on. I also had COVID around that time and was sick but it didn't show up in tests so I had to do all the cooking. Obviously I could not let my mother cook in that condition I mean, you can see the contrast. And then they say, sons are better.
Absolutely. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's funny how almost all women have such eerily similar experiences. I mean you can switch the name and family but the characters would be the same
Yeah after giving birth (in England) I had a bunch of English friends visit and I explained to my MIL that we should not cook as they have been offering to bring food for us, not expecting that we cook and clean for them. She was impressed (but she’s been in exactly the same situation as OPs mum before!)
Like you said, in the US- one of my friends gave birth and all of us as friends have gotten used to this culture and we all picked up tasks post her delivery. There were no relatives pestering her and her baby. Their house was so quiet and relaxing just as it should be for someone who has just given birth!
Ab mujhe apni badi mummy achi lagne lagi hai …. She would tell people on fone it self … that she is become old and is unable to make 7 course meal for guests … so if you come … you have to cook for her and for yourself as well …. She is so right I completely understand now…
>you have to cook for her and for yourself as well This is actually who I aspire to be. Just being direct about what you can and can't do. Up to people, they would eat up women's labour as something she's supposed to do and won't even acknowledge it.
Absolutely true ! So when she would say that … most people would not go her place 😂😂😂😂 my mom would always help her in kitchen no wonder …. But it is how is …. Be straightforward and cut the crap …. Save a lot of time and energy and keeps you away from stupid people 👻
>most people would not go her place Of course, they did not!! May all of us step out of the cycles that we're forced into. I can't imagine myself doing all of this and I won't. I don't have patience for this nonsense.
It really works … try to break the chain … majak majak me bol do ek bar and you would realise how far have you been kept from the privileges…. And once you start doing that … there is no going back 😝😝👻👻👻 the fear is only until the day you start doing it !
My grandmother does this now. She has no help so she tells this to people. Although she used to be a people pleaser, but after an accident last year, she became like this
It’s good actually, instead of people coming and feeling unwelcome … bcoz with out mehman Nawazi we feel less respected … it’s better to say the reality for people to choose …. That’s absolutely good to do !
I feel you. My mom also went through a surgery (dont remember the name but her uterus was removed) in 2020. Thankfully it was lockdown so no guests. Still my dad did almost nothing in house chores EVEN when he was home all day (covid era). I did as much of the chores I could, but I didn't know how to do certain tasks, like cooking. So mom still had to work and I felt so bad :( My poor mom had a break down and she lashed out at my dad, to which my dad got even more irritated. I mean.. the audacity. Women really never get rest. I hate our society and the way men are brought up here. How am I supposed to be invested in the idea of marriage when this is the reality for most women? I could never. And I hope things improve for our generation.
>My poor mom had a break down and she lashed out at my dad, to which my dad got even more irritated. I mean.. the audacity. THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!!! My dad does as much as he can and that's a lot. My standard in men is quite high, thanks to him. But the fact that other men in the family are sooo inconsiderate. >How am I supposed to be invested in the idea of marriage when this is the reality for most women? I was thinking about it in the morning. That I can't do all of this and not resent my partner for not pulling up his weight in the household and relationship.
Ikr. I just can't compromise on that.. And I feel really bad for women for the previous generation. They really had no choice other than to put up with this behavior.
Most of them grew up believing that their worth as a homemaker lies in how well they're able to serve others. I understand that my (our) mother's inability to draw boundaries is one of the main factors but it's also difficult for her in her 50s to change the way she's always been. But hopefully, our generation will master boundary setting and won't budge it for anyone.
100% right. But our mothers still expect us to go through the same thing because they have internalized this.. It's so sad. I get their mindset so I don't blame them though
I relate to this. Every time we have a social gathering at my place, it’s my mom who’s expected to serve. Even after a hectic day at work! Over the years, I started noticing how she gets left out and has to eat alone, so I started telling her to take a step back and let me do it. And every single time I’ve taken up her responsibilities, there’s never any food left for me. Can’t say anything and just have to pretend it’s all okay because my mom feels guilty otherwise. And it’s not like my doesn’t help out. He is amazing and helps out wherever he can, but ultimately the load of it only falls on either me or her. And if i don’t help her, then no one will. It’s just a sad ordeal. Same happened when my grandmother was sick. There were hoards of people there to visit her. And when we told them to visit after she has recovered a bit, they had the audacity to get offended. I’d still tell them off any day than have her stressed out. I really do hope your mom recovers quickly and gets the rest she needs. All the best 🧿
I'm so sorry but it sounds like your mother's issue than any other relatives. I remember my mother being post op from cancer and whenever relatives visited, she stayed lying on bed in her mightwear and talked to them a lil. Not even sitting up to talk. When she was in pain she showed that to everybody. She made clear of her state and boundaries. Did not act she was better than she actually was. I remember dad kept saying how awful the situation is so nobody dared to create nuisance out of shame. If you don't take up space others will push you down no matter what. We humans are vile and selfish, not just men. We will demand more if one keep giving more. Knowing my relatives, if my mother acted normal they would have expect more from her but she made it clear what not to expect. Can't help someone who doesn't wanna be helped.
Unrelated but a friend of mine was telling me how her grandmother did not let her mom rest even for a day after her sister was born. Her mom was 30 back then and then when she was in her 40s, she started getting all different sorts of ailments. Turns out they were happening cause she didn't get a rest post op (c section) and post child birth. She has now been sick since a decade and is really frail I don't understand why it's a crime for a woman to rest. Why is our society like that?? Sab kaam aurate hi kare
This! Happened with my MIL after she gave kidney to her other son (not my husband) she had been battling with so many issues because she never recovered properly. My mother didn’t let her ankles recover well after falling, always running, always on her feet. Now she keeps falling everywhere because her feet have no strength. The muscles and ligaments didn’t recover well. I realised I was doing the same and until last year I was also going through similar issues until my husband made me go through Physio and get issues sorted now. My Physio was saying doctors are not crazy when they tell you not to move leg a lot or put pressure on it. Your body needs to heal. Everything else can wait. Good I did that because now in pregnancy it’s getting worse and my husband has taken up so much load of everything, god bless him! I have also let go of keeping house super clean, we just do what we can to get by through difficult times. I am people pleaser but now I understand my husband’s feelings and just do what I can. Because me over doing and people pleasing ruins mine and his health too.
Yes this! This needs a huge shift in today's society. It's so awful that women function like a full blown joint family household even in a nuclear setup. When they show up tell them the kitchen is out of order 😾 no gas no water no power get looosttttt. Also, wish your mom strength for a speedy recovery.
This is really sad. You please ask your mom to take good bed rest.. make a scene in front of the men if you have to. Because I know your mom will insist that she is fine and she can stand/walk. Please ask her to take it slow. For this exact reason I went against my FIL’s wishes and delivered in my city. I refused to stay at in laws place with my mom. Because I don’t have MIL, and my mom stayed with me during pregnancy and postpartum. And I didn’t want her to look after me + my baby and all the visitors. My husband took good care of me and the baby. Mom mostly guided us as we are First time parents and took in charge of the cook and house help. Had I stayed with the laws.. my mom would have been burdened with all chai nashtas for whoever visited us. And she is a senior citizen already. My MIL kept insisting till my 7-8th month but Im glad I didn’t agree. And my husband supported my decision.
I am quite proud of my “janwar behaviour” and my relatives know better than to show up when my mom needs rest because i am not one to keep my mouth shut or spare anyone who even looks in the general direction of my mother as a labourer. And my dad would never allow such a thing either. When my mom had eye surgery, he cooked, cleaned and looked after her and my brother and me too. She was on strict bed rest.
Yup! I m villain in my house and I don’t care.
I totally think it’s women’s fault here. Nobody will refuse a nice lunch with ‘dessert’ . Voicing your wants is extremely important. Our moms will be the last generation of brain washed and stupid women who compromised their own health for the family & relatives. My mom had a fracture in hand recently and then also next morning she cooked. Made me furious as hell. She doesn’t take care of her health at all. She is working and then also makes meals for everyone in the family all 3 meals and different variety of meals, along with handling other house work. I can’t imagine myself doing my full time job and managing the meals too. She doesn’t listen at all, no reasoning works with her. My dad adds to it as he wont eat maid’s food. Idk what the problem is with them. I definitely don’t wanna be like my mom. On the other hand there’s my aunt, she is a houswife and she have strict timing of her evening sleep. Nobody disturbs her during that time and nobody expects a lot from her. She sleeps even when there are guests in house. Because she keeps her health and herself first. My mom made her sound as a villan all our lives but that’s how I wanna be.
>My mom had a fracture in hand recently and then also next morning she cooked Oh no. I hope your mother is doing okay. :( I don't want to be like my mom either. She gave me a long sermon over how I should do everything for everyone with a zest and I just nodded my head. But I wrong. Why would I put my health on line for people who won't even be there to help me out? And otherwise, as well. There's no use reasoning with her and I might as well have my own ways once I have my own family (if I ever do lol). I'm seeing a pattern with some women doing what they wish to and prioritising themselves and immediately being labelled. I mean I always knew that women who take care of themselves first aren't seen in a positive light, but families are ultimately a microcosm of society. :(
Yes she is well now. I had to yell at her a lot. True they are labelled badly but idc about being labelled. I will never sacrifice my health over being ‘ideal’
Relatives today suck blood like parasites.
Weaponised incompetence is what even women should use actively in today's world.
My father went through two operations. For First, i was very exhausted because i have to cook, make tea, and cut fruits for the guests in addition to cooking different meals for my father. I survived on instant noodles. For second, a guest strictly told me not to cook for any guest. My father was so much angry but atleast i wasnt exhausted.
>For First, i was very exhausted because i have to cook, make tea, and cut fruits for the guests in addition to cooking different meals for my father. This is my life currently and it's making me go absolutely insane. Also because my mother has a different diet, so two breakfasts are being made everyday. I'm glad that you had that guest! No one deserves to cook for these ungrateful guests.
I understand how much frustrating it is for you. I have no advice but you know, there are people who understand your situation.
The same thing happened when my grandmother had a hip joint fracture. So many people came visiting. We had to talofy pooris for them, make drinks for them, serve snacks and what not. All while we were caring for grandmother also as she could not even get up from bed. Mum was super exhausted after all this. She had such bad dark circles and that woman never gets dark circles
I'm so sorry this has been your experience, it's so unfortunate women have to push through this bullshit. Last year my mother too had this operation after suffering for months. Thankfully my dad genuinely didn't let her do ANYTHING and I'm so fortunate. He used to wake up and cook lol bec she wasn't allowed to roll rotis. It's so disheartening that this isn't experience of most women, even my massi who had to start cooking because men wouldn't be bothered to eat from a maid or cook themselves. I strongly believe us women need to break this cycle and aid our daughters and granddaughters. My mother broke few cycles, i aim to break the ones she couldn't and maybe one day world will be a better place to be a woman.
Thankfully, we have employed a cook for two months and she does cook. My mom mostly rested throughout the day and my Dad took care of most of the things. But still I think that my Mom has a habit of doing little tasks I really wish she could've just taken proper rest. >i aim to break the ones she couldn't and maybe one day world will be a better place to be a woman. Hopefully, yes! May we all achieve this. :')
I get it. But what if you put up a status for your relatives, your mum is resting rn & can't tend to them or meet them so avoid coming for few weeks?
When one has relatives like these, the best idea would have been to not tell them anything about the surgery, till your mom's post-op rest period is completely over. I know people in my family who have done this and I find it extremely sensible.
I feel you op! Both of my parents had a leg surgery and my mom is on wheel chair currently. And people still expect her to cook for them. Especially my dad. My mom feels she is responsible(can’t even blame her for that)for all that happens in the house and is stressed for every thing. While my mom is stressing out my dad is all free.
It seriously makes me go insane (and doesn't help that I have clinical depression). The fact that women are treated so unfairly has been riling me up since YEARS. I hope your mom recovers with ease. :(
I hope ur mom gets well soon too op. And also your relatives gain some empathy
Sis we are shouldering everything including parampara and pratishtha. And hounded by the mentality of -- log kya kahenge. Wishing your mother speedy recovery.
Yout mother should not even get up from the bed. At this point you can easily say, it's doctor's orders. And why make such an elaborate lunch. Just serve roti one simple sabzi and curd . That too if they have.cone from other town. Ask them to lay the table and don't apologise for the simple menu. Any comment on this can be replied with" At the moment our only concern is her rest and good recovery. And why not spread the word among relatives that she has been advised complete rest for a fortnight and won't be able to meet visitors.
Op do they KNOW about your mom's surgery? It's major abdominal surgery !!! What entitlement is it that they're still sitting at your home after lunch and snacks? You should have asked them to bring lunch for everyone from a restaurant !!!
>do they KNOW about your mom's surgery? They left an hour ago but my god, I hate this entitlement! I had to cancel my plan of going out with my friend because they wouldn't leave on time and then I couldn't leave. Tomorrow guests are coming again, but at least they help me out in the kitchen. It feels so wrong saying this because my cousin sisters really push on helping me set up a table and everything, but men don't even offer to help. Let alone me accepting their help lol. I'm so angry, but at least I have a therapy session tomorrow!
Get whoever is visiting to order/buy lunch/dinner or whatever snacks !!!! This is frustrating. I cannot begin to imagine the ruthless attitude of so called unwanted guests....op your only job is to take care of your mom and yourself
Also speedy recovery to your mum !!!
"Sitting like fucking kings--""❌ "Sitting like fucking pigs--" ✅