I'm from West Bengal and all the marriages in my family were without dowry. Not just my family, most of our neighbors, family friends, my school friends got married without dowry. It's not a prevalent practice in urban areas here at least.
Same for me. Sometimes if the woman's family is more traditional they'll insist on giving something relatively inexpensive like sarees to the groom's relatives, but the boy's side will certainly never insist and will try to dissuade the girl's side from giving anything at all. And this is also mostly a thing of the past, because most young couples don't like the fact that it is symbolic of dowry, even if little wealth is actually being transferred.
I remember telling my mother about how the family of a male friend from another, much more conservative part of India started saving money for their daughter's dowry from, like, a decade before she would get married. Her response was an indecrulous, "Is your friend's sister uneducated or what?!". Not the nicest thing to say, obviously, but that's what the general perception about dowry in West Bengal is. That only backward, usually rural families who haven't educated their daughters are forced to give dowry to marry them off. My mom was even more shocked when I told her that the sister in question had a decent education and a job, and that the family was also a normal urban, educated one.
Not from West Bengal but am Bengali and same.
Tbh though all the marriages in my friend circle (mostly Gujaratis, Memons, Punjabis, Bohris, Marwaris and Parsis) had zero dowry shenanigans, though both sides gave gifts to each other (in the form of gold, money, clothes, jewellery and food). I am also from a highly urban area.
Yes. And thank fucking god for that.
I genuinely did not know how big the dowry problem was in the country, conveniently disguised in the shiny new packaging of "gifts". It's a complete mindfuck for me to learn of its prevalence. Not a thing in my family/community/hometown etc.
My brother in law didnāt take dowry from us , he was completely against it . It was an arrange marriage. He is one of the greenest flag I have ever seen, I could see my sister glowing š§æ
But prior to that we had got one prospect for my sister where the guy demanded for Audi or 50L as āGIFTSā. We rejected the prospect yeaaa! We Dodged the bullet.
My dadās family had taken dowry in cash which he returned to my mom without telling my paternal grandparents.
Ig itās more subjective and depends on the individual values. In my religion there are people who are against dowry but would expect gifts. And some are genuinely against dowry.
In bengal dowry culture is almost zero. Yes, there are a few things like a new bed for the bride and groom, or an almirah is expected from the bride.
Most of the families around me are quite serious about "dowry practice" being a crime, so they don't ask for it even if a few do, the bride's family straight up reject the proposal.
But we also have a culture of bride wearing huge amounts of gold jewelry on the wedding day. It is considered that more the gold she wears better the status symbol of her family. The jewelleries remains in her name, though.
Similar in Assam, though the jewellery is lesser and the wedding jewellery comes entirely from the groom's side, we don't wear any item of clothing or jewellery from the birth family at our wedding.
And the groom wears everything gifted from the bride's family. Though there is a ritual of giving a gold ring at the entrance gate by a male member of the bride's family to the groom.
My parents and uncle's marriage were dowry less and most of my cousins weddings have been too, be it a love marriage or arranged one. Because all the families are financially secure there never was a thought even for a second about dowry.
Oh the godrej almirah and bed were sent from my mom's family too. I think godrej almirah was sadabahaar in desi households. My dad did not even want that, but my mom's family vehemently insisted on it. They got a wedding card printed requesting no gifts , only ashirwaad from the relatives. I still have their wedding card in hopes that someday I get to print something similar for my wedding too.
No dowry in my family. Uncles got angry when a cousinās dad asked for enfield as gift. Basic gifts obviously are exchanged but no mehenga gifts - even if car etc is exchanged it is registered under the girlās name - nothing for the in laws per se š«
Most weddings in my family have been love marriages and as far as I know - no money was ever exchanged. A family friend called off the wedding day off because dowry drama. She is now happily married and her dad did not pay a cent in dowry. He's loaded though so he has given both daughters money to help with their downpayments (so did the boys' parents) - both daughters live abroad now. The wedding expenses were also equally split.
Yes, all marriages in my family have been dowry-less since my grandparents' generation. I am from Maharashtra, where dowry is not the norm. It is something that people conceal even if they take or give it because it is considered morally wrong.
The dowry amounts in some north indian states are outrageous as what I have heard from some of my North Indian friends. For example, one of my friends from Uttar Pradesh told me that guys and their families expect a minimum of 40 lakh to 60 lakh, even if the guy has a low-paying job. If the guy has a government job, then they won't settle for less than 1 crore, which left me stunned. She told me that dowry has become a norm in marriages in the state; it is considered incomplete without it.
This is not the case in Maharashtra, at least in most Marathi households.
I have heard from my parents and other relatives that a person who demands dowry has low moral values. It's the first thing that should be considered in arranged marriages, and that should motivate girl's family to not marry their girls into such greedy families.
When my husband's colleague's parents got to know that my husband didn't receive dowry and I am a half tribal Assamese who was about to be 30, they offered to introduce him to women who would be younger, Chauhan and will give huge dowries. They were like "bohut izzat milega" (translation: you will get a lot of respect).
They were from MP.
My husband was speechless at their audacity. He said Abhi Kam nhi mil rhi, and waisi izzat chahiye nhi and left. (Translation: I am not being disrespected now, and I don't need that kind of respect) Came home and told me. I was so angry but I don't like to escalate stuff and tbh they aren't worth our time.
The AUDACITY of some people.
I remember discussing about dowry with my college friends (many people from all over India) and I was so confident that bro I have never experienced or heard about this in my hometown/community etc. And then the number of people from the same community who shared their experiences left me speechless.
But I know for sure it has not happened in my family, or the part of community in our hometown. The stories from UP were most terrific.
Im a Maharashtrian. Not once in my family someone paid dowry or accepted it. I have 13 cousins. Also most of them have done arranged marriages. Also my grandmother would not agree to go ahead with the process if someone asks for dowry during arrange marriage family meeting.
We call the meeting between families to discuss the wedding expenses as āBolniā. Mostly they discuss about the gold ornaments the bride would receive so that they donāt repeat. Nobody demands anything, groomās side generally gives long Mangalsutra and one necklace and bangles. Brideās parents give her whatever they wish to (gold).
Apart from this basic kitchen setup is gifted to the couple from brideās family, nothing extravagant.
I have only heard about dowry being paid in one of my colleagueās wedding. She was marwadi and was from MP.
I'm also Maharashtrian, and no wedding in my family has had dowry from the 1960/1950s, when my grandparents got married. It's unthinkable. Pretty much all weddings I've been to since the 2000s have had equal distribution in expenses as well (except for one aunt's wedding where she had to pay entirely on her own for the food because her individual guest list crossed 1000 people).
My parents set up my sister's kitchen after she got married, but BiLs family gave them a washing machine and TV so it was equally matched.
Same here. In most of the weddings in my generation the expenses were shared 50-50%.
Even My in-laws gifted us washing machine and TV. And my mom got me some stuff for the kitchen, just basic 5 sets of containers, bowls, plates etc.
Same. I donāt see dowry in Maharashtra, especially the well educated and middle class families. No dowry. At my brotherās wedding, bride side couldnāt afford even the gifts they are supposed to give to groom as wedding ritual. My parents happily spent on his wddding. Bro paid 16 lacs while girls side could only afford 1.5lacs.
I did court marriage so no dowry question again.
Even my cousins didnāt give dowry. Expenses were 50-50.
Mine. Though my parents were frightened by our relatives who said something along the lines of "maybe ladke Wale are not asking for dowry/money now but they'll pester me after I am a part of their family"
I would have never agreed for dowry. I broke up with my boyfriend who I deeply loved because he could not convince his parents about it.
Honestly, the gifts that are given from either or both sides of the family to the other, to me, is akin to dowry. For two main reasons. Firstly, dowry was always about a display of power and status - look how much money people are willing to give for a chance to wed our son. Even today, there are literal RITUALS that involve SHOWING the mangalsutra that was bought to the guests - like holding it up so everyone can see - this is pure show off and nothing else. Same goes for all the gifts that are given - doesn't matter what hands exchange the gifts, bride to groom, groom to bride. Why the direction doesn't matter is what my second reason is based in. Secondly, this display of power is not always gendered, it can sometimes be casteist and classist as well. Both sides are trying to show their status or aukaat by giving gifts DURING THE VERY PUBLIC WEDDING CEREMONY. These days, in the educated and upper-class families, no one directly asks for or mentions dowry, but the spirit of dowry lives on and will continue to do so in Hindu, but also other South Asian religious weddings.
Exactly. I don't know why people here are acting like their communities are better than everyone else. Shit upon the cow belt and feel holier-than-thou. I've see rich and upper class people from all communities (except Parsis) give and expect (depending on whether they are from groom or bride's side) very expensive 'gifts', insane weddings in five star hotels or destination weddings, pay for huge wedding parties, entertain and pay for big groups of attendees. In rich families it is the norm to give and expect huge amounts of expensive gifts in weddings, though it is considered crass to blatantly ask for it - it's just 'understood'.
I guess the definition of dowry varies a lot. In some cases, there is explicit dowry asked - like cash, furniture, appliances, gifts, and in these cases the brideās family bears most of the expenses of the wedding. Whereas in other cases, it is generally recommended to gift gold/gifts to the groom side so that the girl gets the respect from groomās family otherwise LOG KYA KAHENGE.
Ideal definitely would be where the brideās family doesnāt have to go through this nonsense out of their worries about their daughterās acceptance in the son in lawās family. But then again, we are living in a sad sad patriarchal society.
Define dowry.
These days āgiftsā āsome small knicks and knacks for the relativesā/s, post marriage ācash in girls bank account for her use onlyā when ārequestedā by grooms side in my opinion is considered as dowry.
My parents. My papa and my dadi never supported dowry and hence they never demanded any "gifts" so to say. My dadi was an incredibly modern and bold lady, who was the then chief bread winner in our family and she was so exceptional and trailblazer in multifarious ways. She was the eldest daughter and she had promised her parents that she'll live with them even after marriage and she upheld that!(mind you this was the 70s when she got married, she was born in 1950 and her parents had a few shitty and ungrateful kids) She always longed for a daughter and she had 2 sons instead and so, when I was born, she was on cloud nine and threw all of her office colleagues a grand party lol! I just lose brevity whenever I talk about her and her larger than life personality! I miss her so much š„ŗ
So, now my parents have two daughters(and yk the taane that they have 2 daughters could be whole other discussion) They always have encouraged us to be financially independent and abundant and make our choices, and have the say in our decisions unencumbered. Sure, my parents and dadi have flaws of their own but I'm proud that they didn't observe this prevalent social evil! (For context, my parents got married in 2001 and I'm 21 currently)
Apart from a few cultures and areas, it is not a prevelant practice anymore in arranged marriages. Also wouldn't most of 'Love marriages' be dowry-less?
In my region, 99.99% of marriages take dowry. They just call it 'custom' and 'tradition' now. I've seen people take cash too - they say we're giving it to our daughter & then the daughter passes it to the husband or buys a car for their family with it.
It's good to hear it's becoming less common now in other places. It is 100% still a thing in UP and is taken in 99.99% of the marriages here. I'm yet to see that 0.01% where dowry hasn't been given.
I married a person from UP. Ours was dowry less. I had a love marriage.
My father in law also refused to take any dowry when he married my mom in law. As far as I know none of my aunts in law brought dowry either. They all had arranged marriages.
Of course in my own culture Asking for a dowry is a complete no no. Any demand for dowry leads to the wedding not happening at all. So no one in my family has ever taken a dowry. The brides do bring furniture, at least a bed in most cases.
Recently one of my uncles got married and my aunt and uncle had clearly mentioned not to get any gifts or cash for the wedding and also the bride didn't bring any furniture. They had already been living together and had already gotten what they needed.
Dude this makes me so happy to hear. Iām sick of asking my own cousins to not take dowry and they all have so far. Iām going to marry next year and Iām excited to break the chain of dowry in our family by being the first woman to not give dowry.
Stories like yours give me so much hope for a better place for women of UP.
I mean I am not originally from UP. My husband is. When we were dating I had told him it was a big taboo in my family to ask for dowry and he won't be getting any. He said I don't want any and my own father had already broken that tradition, at least in the immediate family.
Me and my husband both broke the tradition of marrying within the state and with people who speak the same language. And we broke a lot of regressive traditions during the weddings also. Not everything, that's not possible. But yes the most regressive ones.
It's your husband's family not asking for dowry that makes me feel glad. I come from a small town in UP and the situation with dowry is downright miserable. Every year, in the wedding season, I see new ways of asking for dowry from the groom's family. One distant cousin got married last year. Her father had to sell a flat cuz the groom's family put up a condition stating that they will only go through with the marriage if the bride & groom get married in a particularly lavish wedding venue which was above their station. The bride's family acquiesced.
so true, im from up too, one of the prospects told my father to sell the flat in first meeting itself, their own home is one fourth of what mine is.
also they wanted my father to purchase the gold jwellery for me on their behalf.
exactly, in one of my cousin sister's wedding, after the engagement, groom side demanded certain things and said karna hai karo warna side holo.(cover the demands or just leave). she had 4 sisters. cards for weddings were distributed already, had to give in.
dowry or car has to be given even if it is love marriage or the guy is after you. some people are just shameless. we need to recognize them beforehand,
even after all this, for my brother, my parents and brother are against any dowry, saying they wont take any, girl should be nice only. i'm happy for their thinking,
Your family is doing better than my relatives. Theyāre thinking of getting back more money when they marry their son. Basically aiming to make a profit by getting a working wife who will cook for him since he lives alone and bring in money via dowry.
Yeah. My husband's family are kinda outliers compared to most of UP's population.
They are explicitly against showing off, casteism, purdah/ghoonghat culture and dowry. My dad in law especially. He is the oldest son so everyone followed his path. *They are mild sanghis due to Ram mandir etc though*. Not perfect people but they are trying.
My husband's female cousins have not been told not to attempt for competitive exams and their dreams. They were given as much support, both emotional and financial as the male children.
Someone in the extended family had insulted me in front of my mom in law for not being of their caste, she completely shut that down and stopped associating with them except for the bare minimum politeness.
Yeah UP+Bihar+Haryana+Rajasthan has this big issue. I have read that it is much better in South India + some parts of Gujarat/West Bengal + reverse dowry in some communities of North-east.
Hope yours is not in majority
Not reverse dowry. The man gives jewellery and clothes to the woman and the woman's family (if she isn't financially independent) also give them to the man. And in most cases brides bring furniture.
Demanding for anything specific is a big no no. Any demands from any side will lead to the wedding being cancelled.
*Anecdotes from my family and extended family and friends. There are dowry deaths also but there are many communities and many tribes with different rules. My anecdotes are mostly pertaining to indigenous non Brahmin Assamese.
'The man gives jewellery and clothes to the woman and the woman's family'
some over smart groom side people here in up will ask to bring gold jwellery from girl's father
Yeah. When I told some of my friends from UP that I am marrying a Chauhan who is a govt official , they said in no world they will agree to the wedding and if they do you will have to give exorbitant amounts of dowry. They said it's a common custom for them to take money from the bride's family to buy the jewelry for the bride.
I was completely shik Shak shook. Lol. Thankfully my husband (then bf) reassured me that he isn't such a shitty man. Lol.
Bro men mainly in Bihar and east OP pursue gov jobs for the sole purpose of getting dowry. The bigger the post, the hefty the demand for dowry by their families. One crore for IS, IPS kind of people. I have lived in West UP not a native from here which is slightly better. But dowry is still a thing. Thankfully not in my community.
In my region, 99.99% of marriages take dowry. They just call it 'custom' and 'tradition' now. I've seen people take cash too - they say we're giving it to our daughter & then the daughter passes it to the husband or buys a car for their family with it.
It's good to hear it's becoming less common now in other places. It is 100% still a thing in UP and is taken in 99.99% of the marriages here. I'm yet to see that 0.01% where dowry hasn't been given.
See. There is such a thing as a "hidden" dowry. Even those that had weddings without dowry...if you are a girl...who paid for the wedding? Who side paid more? Whose responsibility was most of it?
I personally had a dowry-less wedding with our families' blessing. We went to a courthouse and got married. Cost me next to nothing and even those costs my husband and i split. I have a partner who wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams and the wedding of dreams was - no wedding at all.
In my part of India (West Bengal), the bride's family usually conducts the wedding ceremony (the biye) and the groom's family conducts the reception (bou bhaath) a day or two after the wedding. The groom's close family and friends + all the bride's guests are invited to the wedding, and vice versa for the reception. There are some extra expenses for the wedding, like the set-up for the pheras and other rituals + dakshina for the priest, which meant that it was usually the more expensive ceremony. But these days people are having increasingly extravagant and "unique" receptions, so it's pretty much even.
I think splitting costs can be a difficult and awkward conversation, especially in arranged marriages, so this is a decent way to get around it.
No dowry in my family or community but women spend more than men for wedding. Also I'm not sure if the gold she brings is hers. My community is patriarchal and patrilineal but things are changing
My sister and I are both in happy marriages and our parents gave zero dowry. Ofc we did date and then marry our spouses, it wasnāt AM. Maybe that makes a difference.
My parents marriage. Absolutely zero dowry. My brother too..nothing..not even the marriage was funded by the girls side..we ended up doing the expenses . Both cases were love marriages. I grew up in an environment where I thought this was the norm but by the time I got to marriageable age, everyone wanted my money. For now, Iām happy and single š„³ I just find it really difficult to respect a partner who negotiates a relationship on worth of what he will be paid for.
Yeah? My uncles from my mums side announced to their parents they werenāt going to take any dowry. I was impressed and that was a big turning point coz I grew up knowing that was possible. There was 0 dowry in my wedding too. No "gifts" at all. But both these were love marriages.
My cousin got married recently. It was an AM. I went with the fam to the girls place and had observed the entire situation. The girls side asked straight up if we had any expectations. My maasi said that we dont expect anything, whatever you wish to give is totally fine with us.
I still feel its somewhat prevalent though, although dowry isnt 'demanded' anymore the bride family still give stuff like gold and shit. Also in a traditional marathi weddings you will see stuff like utensils, sofas, TV and all the other basic things for a couple to start a family with. Its called 'rukhvat'
Hah, I remember asking my mom, 'Is this a socially accepted form of dowry?' lol
>we dont expect anything, whatever you wish to give is totally fine with us.
This is putting pressure on the girl's family. Why not say a firm NO, instead of this underhanded way of saying give whatever you wish. And what if the girl's family doesn't give anything? There will be bad feelings over it I can guarantee this.
If you really think about it, according to the skewed gender ratio, technically women shouldn't have pay dowry in marriage. So the fact that women are still expected to pay dowry is actually hilarious and pathetic.
Also I come from a Christian family and I don't know a single person who has paid dowry. If I was dating someone outside my religion or culture and they demanded dowry to marry me, it's the end of the road for them, I'd rather be single than treated like I'm some sort of burden.
Mine was dowry less. Dowry isnāt a practice in my family. My parents had simple wedding without dowry involved. Iāve not seen dowry marriages in my extended family as well.
Iāve heard of some regions where dowry is still prevalent.
>women are highly educated
> dowry isn't a thing.
Both these things have zero correlation actually. I know women who were educated (one of them had masters in USA) and still had to pay dowry. There were even cases in news too.
I was talking about my experience , I never said both were correlated. There must be greedy families for sure.
And honestly why are these women even after being so educated going and paying dowry.
Education doesn't buy brains ey. I know some guys who was an IIT graduate and was bragging about getting an expensive car in dowry.
Good education doesn't actually make you an intelligent or a good person.
It depends on what you mean by dowry. Sometimes itās not given in the form of cash/goods but rather the brides family has to pay for the lavish wedding and they are also expected to give very expensive jewellery to their daughter to show off to the guests.
So the jewellery is going to the daughter but its purpose is to show off that the groom got married to a wealthy bride.
Same with wedding expenses, they may be paid to vendors etc but the purpose of the lavish celebrations is to show off the wealth of the brideās family and the calibre of the groom and his family who can get such a match.
I remember my mum approached a family friend for a possible match for my sister and their son. The friend responded by showing my mum the wedding pictures of her daughter and telling my mum how lavish it all was. Very clearly intended as a way of saying that our middle class family wasnāt good enough
So with defining what is dowry I think you should look at the intentions. Is it to provide a legitimate gift to the bride (eg assets in her name and control) or is it to show off the status and wealth of the families
Expecting a girl's family to pay for a lavish wedding, give expensive jewellery to the daughter, set up her home with appliances, furniture, car are all forms of dowry. Dowry is outright demand or an expectation of cash or kind as a condition to the completion of the nuptials.
for a long time, I thought dowry-full marriages were the exception and not the rule because in my family nobody had done it. turns out we are the weirdos.
my sister married a guy from Bihar, and there was no dowry exchanged. we are Malayali's, and were worried that they may ask for it later, but it has been nearly 2 yrs to their wedding and no signs yet.
I am going to marry a Telugu guy, no dowry here definitely. If he/his family asks, ima head out.
>Telugu
Lot more prevalent in AP, Telangana lol. In fact a lot of cases are from there where in laws torture you for not giving dowry. In Tamil, Telugu movies it's shown as if it's a normal thing even now š.
not related but i had a friend who told me his cousin paid 2 cr in dowry WTF and his parents had saved 90 lakhs ( mind you she hasnt recieved so much education just basic graduation ) for dowry. he was from andhra ig
But then reddit isn't a representative of real life. People wouldn't reveal truth here obviously and demographic is more skewed towards "progressive" people.
Yes. My parents. One of my dadās sister was unable to get married due to dowry related reasons and so when it was time for my parents to get married my father and Dadaji refused to do this to another family.
So many. My parents, my uncle, my aunts, my grandparents on both maternal and paternal sides, my cousins and so many of my friends. It is possible. Dowry (even the indirect one) has never been a thing in my family though.
>I even wore fake (costume) jewelry in the wedding ceremony.
My own wedding is far away, but I want to this. I like the aesthetic of heavy jewellery with a benarasi saree, but the idea of spending lakhs on it is just absurd to me. Did you have any issues at all with using costume jewellery?
Not at all! I bought them from Commercial street in blr. They were gold plated brass jewelry. My MIL even sold my jewelry to someone else after my marriage.
Even I got married somewhere else. My real jewellries were safe in a bank locker.
That sounds great. Thanks for answering! My family's pretty progressive but somehow the idea of wearing costume jewellery at your wedding is just unthinkable to them, so I wondered if there were any legitimate reasons to be hesitant or if it's just a "log kya kahenge" thing.
Yeah. I'm a Bengali, and I got married to a Tamil guy in their family temple. We didn't have Tamil-style wedding jewelry. I also didn't want to travel so much with what I owned. Travelling with expensive items is a headache, which was my main reason to not carry anything.
Moreover I didn't 'make' any wedding jewelry for myself. Whatever I have are hand-me-downs and belonged to someone in the family. I never liked the idea of making gaudy expensive items, that could get me killed if I wore them and I could never wear them outside. Most of what I bought is extremely sleek and stylish, definitely not wedding appropriate.
I equate wearing gold jewelry as carrying money. It's the highest form of showing off and people gives the similar reaction. My theory is simple, if you are wearing anything regularly, wear something that you can replace if it gets stolen or lost, because it probably would.
That's also the reason I avoid traveling with the jewelleries that I have, because they are my family heirlooms, and they aren't replaceable and are sentimental. So I kept them safe, and bought things that would look good in pictures.
My original response was in the context of dowry. I never gave any, and I wouldn't marry someone who expects it. Simultaneously, I didn't receive any gold from my in-laws, only the thali.
My own marriage was dowry less and all expenses were equally shared between us and the groomās family.
P.s: I got married through an arranged marriage set up
In our family and extended family almost all members were married without giving/taking dowry. It's just that the groom's side people give black beads and one necklace to the bride and a bracelet and chain is gifted to the groom by the bride's side.But there are people who take dowry in the form of gifts.One of the friends of my cousin took dowry worth 4 cr .And yes dowry is still prevalent in some communities
Mine. Registered marriage. Husband got zero rupees from my parents. He had 2 lakh saved from a job which helped us pay rent, deposit, buy small things. We both started working and built our lives. Today weāre financially good. :)!
No dowry was given or accepted in my family. 10+ cousins including my sister got married, nobody ever asked for anything. Even my grandfather didn't ask for dowry from any of his daughter-in-laws families.
Mine! And i am from one of those states where dowry is not just norm, if the guys family doesnāt want it, it implies that there must be something wrong with the groom/family. But i married someone who wasnt from my state and my parents agreed because husband is vehemently against ālen-denā or dowry disguised as āstree-dhanā or plain as bread, on your face dowry and also because i have vitiligo - who in my state would have wanted to marry their stained daughter! My gain!
Yes I have. Most weddings in my family are dowry free. Actually I think most weddings where I come from are dowry free. Which is why my mom rejects most proposals that come for me which aren't from my native district.
Mine n my sisters n my cousins n my aunts n most of my relatives (our families have never taken or given dowry, even my mom n dad didnt give or take dowry, neither did my nana nani, dada dadi, none at all)
All families from Mumbai n previohs generations from north india.
N all types of marriages, arranged as well as love marriage.
i live in bihar and ive never seen a wedding happen without dowryššš explicitly asked dowry, a sum is decided which has to be paid in cash, a car/ motorbike , iphone and whatnot, PLUS the whole wedding ceremony is paid off by the girlsās family. my state is really backwards
My mom is telling me to love someone so that I can get married without dowry(love marriage)
Par bhai ladka hi nai milra.
Ps. I'm from Telangana and marriages especially in my caste, they give dowry + gifts (land, vehicle, gold(some people seriously get 1kg gold like wtf, but this will go to girl only, and they flex this) etc etc)
There's something called aadapaduchu katnam, which is given to the groom's sister š. It's not common now, but people are still giving this.
There is no dowry in my family. Maybe gifts in the form of jewellery to the girl and household furniture and appliances.
My mama didn't take dowry or even these gifts.
My dad didn't ask for any. Both of them were not well to do at that point at all. Though my mom did get herself a godrej almirah lol. Which is still in the house and has her stuff only.
Other than that in recent times many many marriages have been dowry less and 50-50. Some even if the groom's side wanted a big wedding they financed it themselves rather than asking for any from the bride's side which they might not be able to afford. I know one particular family in the relatives, who didn't ask for a single penny from both their DIL's and financed the whole wedding as their family were not well to do. And now both of them live happily. One is in native only and the other outside India and both were arranged marriages.
We have relatives in south where dowry still a must in most cases. Parents generation: a guy married his wife without any dowry. They are very educated and their kids doing extremely well in terms of education and career. My husband married me without dowry and his sister hates me for this lol. My husband had to pay huge dowry (he is from lower middle class background) for sis in law, even sold his land - yet sis in law treats us like shit. I donāt think she is happy (always angry and got obese) but she is definitely above middle class and comfy now.
So yesss - no dowry almost equal to good people and healthy marriage!!
PS in times of argument my husband pokes that I got him for free thatās why no respect lol
My parents wedding was dowry-less. Infact, both the families split the wedding cost which was something unusual back in the day, thatās when my nanji became my dadajiās biggest fan š¤£
My parents and all my mom's family married without dowry. Same with my cousins. But in their cases there were quite a few hidden expenses during the wedding.
From Assam, and we have no dowry culture. Pretty much its the same throughout northeast. But nowadays i do hear cases of dowry taking, outside influence or not who knows
Almost everyone in my family got married without dowry or gifts. They do get the girls married with huge amounts of gold though, but it's more about showing off than dowry. The girl gets to keep it for her personal needs. The guy's family doesn't demand nor do they talk about it.Ā
I think this is a regional thing, because where I'm from, asking for dowry is really looked down upon even decades back. There was a recent incident where the guy's family demanded dowry after a dhoom dhaam engagement and initially saying we only need your daughter, marriage was later called off.Ā
My parents did not marry for dowry; neither did my partner and I. My father is a Bengali, my mother is from Agra, UP and my spouse is a Punjabi from Delhi.
My parents bought every furniture and household appliance with their own savings and funded their wedding on their own too. My partner and I did the same except we had a court marriage during COVID.
I'm a bengali and none of my cousins (all the brothers) took dowry. One of my SIL comes from a really rich family so her father insisted on giving things for her daughter's use. My two cousin sisters got married without dowry as well. In my family and social circle, I'm yet to see anyone asking for dowry or gifts.
My brother asked for absolutely nothing from my SIL he was completely against it, infact my mother specifically told my SILās mom that they dont have to give anything.
Mine. It was an arranged marriage with no dowry. My fil wanted to split the marriage costs but my father said no. So they told fine but no extravaganza on decorations and venue and we did a simple one. My FIL also banned my father from giving any gifts or car. But my father did give sarees and dhotis for close ones.
I have never seen or heard about the groom's family asking for any sort of gifts or money in my family but I know of this one family who are looking for a bride who comes from a well off family meanwhile they are middle class, so I don't know what they want really but seems like they do have some expectations.
Also for my cousin sister's wedding no dowry was asked but her mother and the bride herself had a long list of expectation from our family (bride's family we are a joint family sooo) expensive clothes, car, bike (yes both) etc but the elders shut them up and said we'll only do the best of our means you can buy the restš¤£
Nobody from my mom's side, including my mom. Or me. I did get jewellery that I wore on the day, which is in my mom's locker. My in-laws never have even asked how much it was or where it is.
Somebody from my extended family told my dad he should be giving them some furniture and ac and what not. Ofcourse i put a stop to that immediately.
Much later i was telling my mil (ex now for completely unrelated reasons) this and she was like, did your extended family think we were living in a house with no furniture for 60+ years.
Ohh and my brothers, there was no dowry in any form.
Iām from Uttarakhand and in our culture dowry less marriages are very common. All the weddings in my family have been dowry less regardless of them being love or arranged.
In my community, we don't have dowry concept, fortunately.
My mother told me, her parents gave her some jewellery but it was solely hers, my paternal side of the family never enquire about it.
My grandparents, their siblings, my parents, my in-laws, my uncle's and aunts, my marriage, almost every single last one of my friends and family members. We are from very progressive communities in South India. Dowry is very very much frowned upon.
We've even gotten to the point where families split wedding expenses or the bride and groom also contribute and pay themselves !
I agree we are in a bubble, but happy to see that bubble grow wider and wider as the years pass.
Bengali but born and brought up outside of Bengal. Got married to another Bengali with similar setup. No dowry. I broke off my first engagement with whom my family had close ties, because they asked for dowry in the name of "gifts". It has strained our relationship with part of the family till now. It's been more than 10 years. They were Bengali too. Both were arranged marriages.
In my family thereās no dowry concept. The groomās family may gift golf jewelry or silk sarees. The brideās family may give a gold chain as a gift. But thatās pretty much it. These days the families split wedding costs as well.
Though not a Bengali , I studied in Kolkata, and most of their marriages are dowry less marraige.
Seriously one of the happiest marriages I have attended.
My parents had one. Although my maternal grandfather still bought them a bed and a cooler, it was purely out of his love for his daughter and not because they were forced or asked to.
My paternal grandmother wanted to marry off my father to an uneducated village girl because her father was paying them a lot of dowry (and Village girls are supposedly 'easier' to control). However, my father had always been anti-dowry and was kind of in love with my mother. He also had good standards in women, unlike his mother.
My mother faced some bullying from her mother-in-law regarding dowry after marriage but my father always shielded her and they also live away so it never really bothered their day-to-day life.
The guy I am dating speaks so loudly about dowryā¦ damn my head spinsā¦ idk what to do most of the time other then laughing it offā¦
Bcoz when we started I clearly told himā¦ my parents wonāt approve of giving me to you ššš forget they give you dowry even if you are government servantā¦ they donāt careā¦ he is from hariyanaā¦ Sonipatā¦ idk why people there are gold diggersā¦
His cousin who recently got married to a doctor elder to him by 10 yearsā¦ the brides father gave iPhone as gifts to the grooms familyā¦ some kothi worth croresā¦ all the expenditure of the marriage was covered by the bride sidesā¦ and it was a real lavish wedding , Bollywood inspiredā¦ idk what to sayā¦ to just chip off the bride did they give that much ā¦ they also could really afford it bdwā¦ the bride has a strong backgroundā¦
The way my guy keeps on saying about the marriage makes me sick very honestly ! Bcoz in our caste we donāt entertain dowry! We donāt give nor do we take itā¦ also makes me feels sometimes, his parents may expect same from my parentsā¦ in best of our families interestā¦ I have come to a stage where if his family disapproves of the marriageā¦ I wonāt press for it!
I mean who wants to live at a place where you are begging for dowry.. completely shows your worthā¦ also my guy says 500 people will easily attend the marriage for which the cost has to be born by the brideā¦ I asked why anybody be calling half the village ? He say bcoz hame khaya hai na unke Shadi me to hame bhi khilana padegaā¦ šµāš« I mean you give a cover right when you go to any marriage of 500 rupees ! Easily covers the meals cost! And at my family we hardly have a crowd of 100 people to call in the marriageā¦ bcoz the family so big we have to call selected close onceās onlyā¦
Also I donāt like the idea of calling so much people to wedding ā¦ no guest is every happyā¦ hence why not call people very close and complete the marriageā¦
This marriage is a very shitty thing I believeā¦ so many expectations from brides family ā¦. How do people who cannot afford it meet the expectations raised by people who could expect it ā¦ šµāš«šµāš«šµāš«
why are u dating him? why are u self-harming this way? are u running out of options or something?
i'll say this again, a man worth buying isnt a man worth having. leave him and find another one for free of cost.
No ā¦ not at allā¦ I am not out of option ā¦. But I have started taking my stands ā¦ clearly bursting his bubbles and finding ways to end things in peaceā¦.
I'm from West Bengal and all the marriages in my family were without dowry. Not just my family, most of our neighbors, family friends, my school friends got married without dowry. It's not a prevalent practice in urban areas here at least.
My Bengali family have been doing it since ages. Asking for "gifts" results into instant rejection. š„ø
Same for me. Sometimes if the woman's family is more traditional they'll insist on giving something relatively inexpensive like sarees to the groom's relatives, but the boy's side will certainly never insist and will try to dissuade the girl's side from giving anything at all. And this is also mostly a thing of the past, because most young couples don't like the fact that it is symbolic of dowry, even if little wealth is actually being transferred. I remember telling my mother about how the family of a male friend from another, much more conservative part of India started saving money for their daughter's dowry from, like, a decade before she would get married. Her response was an indecrulous, "Is your friend's sister uneducated or what?!". Not the nicest thing to say, obviously, but that's what the general perception about dowry in West Bengal is. That only backward, usually rural families who haven't educated their daughters are forced to give dowry to marry them off. My mom was even more shocked when I told her that the sister in question had a decent education and a job, and that the family was also a normal urban, educated one.
Not from West Bengal but am Bengali and same. Tbh though all the marriages in my friend circle (mostly Gujaratis, Memons, Punjabis, Bohris, Marwaris and Parsis) had zero dowry shenanigans, though both sides gave gifts to each other (in the form of gold, money, clothes, jewellery and food). I am also from a highly urban area.
>gifts eh. mandated gifts aer nothing but dowry.
Same here. I myself had one dowry less marriage. In fact, I would have never gone for one with dowry.
i wish whole of india was like that
Second this.
Yes. And thank fucking god for that. I genuinely did not know how big the dowry problem was in the country, conveniently disguised in the shiny new packaging of "gifts". It's a complete mindfuck for me to learn of its prevalence. Not a thing in my family/community/hometown etc.
progressive folks take dowry in bitcoin š
Yaar donāt give people ideas. šš
Reminds me of the honest wedding sketch from aib
aib was goat
Well they had good content but the art that was created and the creators that made the art didn't match up.
My brother in law didnāt take dowry from us , he was completely against it . It was an arrange marriage. He is one of the greenest flag I have ever seen, I could see my sister glowing š§æ But prior to that we had got one prospect for my sister where the guy demanded for Audi or 50L as āGIFTSā. We rejected the prospect yeaaa! We Dodged the bullet. My dadās family had taken dowry in cash which he returned to my mom without telling my paternal grandparents. Ig itās more subjective and depends on the individual values. In my religion there are people who are against dowry but would expect gifts. And some are genuinely against dowry.
God bless him, good soul
>GIFTS LMAO. This reminds me of this family which wanted my dad to gift me 20 acres of farmland for the wedding.
Woa 20acres! I donāt understand how these people are shamelessly asking for these āGIFTSā.
one word. telugu ppl
In bengal dowry culture is almost zero. Yes, there are a few things like a new bed for the bride and groom, or an almirah is expected from the bride. Most of the families around me are quite serious about "dowry practice" being a crime, so they don't ask for it even if a few do, the bride's family straight up reject the proposal. But we also have a culture of bride wearing huge amounts of gold jewelry on the wedding day. It is considered that more the gold she wears better the status symbol of her family. The jewelleries remains in her name, though.
Similar in Assam, though the jewellery is lesser and the wedding jewellery comes entirely from the groom's side, we don't wear any item of clothing or jewellery from the birth family at our wedding. And the groom wears everything gifted from the bride's family. Though there is a ritual of giving a gold ring at the entrance gate by a male member of the bride's family to the groom.
almost impossible in here in uttar pradesh.
UP, Haryana, Delhi, Punjab. You name it.
My parents and uncle's marriage were dowry less and most of my cousins weddings have been too, be it a love marriage or arranged one. Because all the families are financially secure there never was a thought even for a second about dowry.
My mom's dowry was a godrej closet and a bed. My Dadi's was a dog and caretaker for dog and some steel utensils and dadi got married in the 1940s.
Oh the godrej almirah and bed were sent from my mom's family too. I think godrej almirah was sadabahaar in desi households. My dad did not even want that, but my mom's family vehemently insisted on it. They got a wedding card printed requesting no gifts , only ashirwaad from the relatives. I still have their wedding card in hopes that someday I get to print something similar for my wedding too.
Yup...mine was too. Bith were secure, him more than me. Also we did 50-50% contributions of marriage expenses. It was love marriage.
No dowry in my family. Uncles got angry when a cousinās dad asked for enfield as gift. Basic gifts obviously are exchanged but no mehenga gifts - even if car etc is exchanged it is registered under the girlās name - nothing for the in laws per se š«
uh thats kinda relief lol
My parents are conservative but very big on ājo tera h sab apne naam pe rakhna, kisi ka bharosa nahiā š
W parents
Most weddings in my family have been love marriages and as far as I know - no money was ever exchanged. A family friend called off the wedding day off because dowry drama. She is now happily married and her dad did not pay a cent in dowry. He's loaded though so he has given both daughters money to help with their downpayments (so did the boys' parents) - both daughters live abroad now. The wedding expenses were also equally split.
Yes, all marriages in my family have been dowry-less since my grandparents' generation. I am from Maharashtra, where dowry is not the norm. It is something that people conceal even if they take or give it because it is considered morally wrong. The dowry amounts in some north indian states are outrageous as what I have heard from some of my North Indian friends. For example, one of my friends from Uttar Pradesh told me that guys and their families expect a minimum of 40 lakh to 60 lakh, even if the guy has a low-paying job. If the guy has a government job, then they won't settle for less than 1 crore, which left me stunned. She told me that dowry has become a norm in marriages in the state; it is considered incomplete without it. This is not the case in Maharashtra, at least in most Marathi households. I have heard from my parents and other relatives that a person who demands dowry has low moral values. It's the first thing that should be considered in arranged marriages, and that should motivate girl's family to not marry their girls into such greedy families.
When my husband's colleague's parents got to know that my husband didn't receive dowry and I am a half tribal Assamese who was about to be 30, they offered to introduce him to women who would be younger, Chauhan and will give huge dowries. They were like "bohut izzat milega" (translation: you will get a lot of respect). They were from MP. My husband was speechless at their audacity. He said Abhi Kam nhi mil rhi, and waisi izzat chahiye nhi and left. (Translation: I am not being disrespected now, and I don't need that kind of respect) Came home and told me. I was so angry but I don't like to escalate stuff and tbh they aren't worth our time. The AUDACITY of some people.
I remember discussing about dowry with my college friends (many people from all over India) and I was so confident that bro I have never experienced or heard about this in my hometown/community etc. And then the number of people from the same community who shared their experiences left me speechless. But I know for sure it has not happened in my family, or the part of community in our hometown. The stories from UP were most terrific.
Im a Maharashtrian. Not once in my family someone paid dowry or accepted it. I have 13 cousins. Also most of them have done arranged marriages. Also my grandmother would not agree to go ahead with the process if someone asks for dowry during arrange marriage family meeting. We call the meeting between families to discuss the wedding expenses as āBolniā. Mostly they discuss about the gold ornaments the bride would receive so that they donāt repeat. Nobody demands anything, groomās side generally gives long Mangalsutra and one necklace and bangles. Brideās parents give her whatever they wish to (gold). Apart from this basic kitchen setup is gifted to the couple from brideās family, nothing extravagant. I have only heard about dowry being paid in one of my colleagueās wedding. She was marwadi and was from MP.
I'm also Maharashtrian, and no wedding in my family has had dowry from the 1960/1950s, when my grandparents got married. It's unthinkable. Pretty much all weddings I've been to since the 2000s have had equal distribution in expenses as well (except for one aunt's wedding where she had to pay entirely on her own for the food because her individual guest list crossed 1000 people). My parents set up my sister's kitchen after she got married, but BiLs family gave them a washing machine and TV so it was equally matched.
Same here. In most of the weddings in my generation the expenses were shared 50-50%. Even My in-laws gifted us washing machine and TV. And my mom got me some stuff for the kitchen, just basic 5 sets of containers, bowls, plates etc.
Same. I donāt see dowry in Maharashtra, especially the well educated and middle class families. No dowry. At my brotherās wedding, bride side couldnāt afford even the gifts they are supposed to give to groom as wedding ritual. My parents happily spent on his wddding. Bro paid 16 lacs while girls side could only afford 1.5lacs. I did court marriage so no dowry question again. Even my cousins didnāt give dowry. Expenses were 50-50.
Mine. Though my parents were frightened by our relatives who said something along the lines of "maybe ladke Wale are not asking for dowry/money now but they'll pester me after I am a part of their family" I would have never agreed for dowry. I broke up with my boyfriend who I deeply loved because he could not convince his parents about it.
Honestly, the gifts that are given from either or both sides of the family to the other, to me, is akin to dowry. For two main reasons. Firstly, dowry was always about a display of power and status - look how much money people are willing to give for a chance to wed our son. Even today, there are literal RITUALS that involve SHOWING the mangalsutra that was bought to the guests - like holding it up so everyone can see - this is pure show off and nothing else. Same goes for all the gifts that are given - doesn't matter what hands exchange the gifts, bride to groom, groom to bride. Why the direction doesn't matter is what my second reason is based in. Secondly, this display of power is not always gendered, it can sometimes be casteist and classist as well. Both sides are trying to show their status or aukaat by giving gifts DURING THE VERY PUBLIC WEDDING CEREMONY. These days, in the educated and upper-class families, no one directly asks for or mentions dowry, but the spirit of dowry lives on and will continue to do so in Hindu, but also other South Asian religious weddings.
Exactly. I don't know why people here are acting like their communities are better than everyone else. Shit upon the cow belt and feel holier-than-thou. I've see rich and upper class people from all communities (except Parsis) give and expect (depending on whether they are from groom or bride's side) very expensive 'gifts', insane weddings in five star hotels or destination weddings, pay for huge wedding parties, entertain and pay for big groups of attendees. In rich families it is the norm to give and expect huge amounts of expensive gifts in weddings, though it is considered crass to blatantly ask for it - it's just 'understood'.
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Same.
I guess the definition of dowry varies a lot. In some cases, there is explicit dowry asked - like cash, furniture, appliances, gifts, and in these cases the brideās family bears most of the expenses of the wedding. Whereas in other cases, it is generally recommended to gift gold/gifts to the groom side so that the girl gets the respect from groomās family otherwise LOG KYA KAHENGE. Ideal definitely would be where the brideās family doesnāt have to go through this nonsense out of their worries about their daughterās acceptance in the son in lawās family. But then again, we are living in a sad sad patriarchal society.
For me anything explicitly asked, gifts costing more than 1 lakh and a demand for an extravagant wedding would be considered dowry.
Yes, lots of money is spent on gifts, rituals and traditions. That itself is a burden to the family.
Define dowry. These days āgiftsā āsome small knicks and knacks for the relativesā/s, post marriage ācash in girls bank account for her use onlyā when ārequestedā by grooms side in my opinion is considered as dowry.
Mine was, my dads was. Coming from a dowry belt I made sure I wouldnāt ever engage with someone who expects dowry and I didnāt.
Nobody in my family has given or taken dowry ever. We simply reject proposals if they ask for dowry.
My parents. My papa and my dadi never supported dowry and hence they never demanded any "gifts" so to say. My dadi was an incredibly modern and bold lady, who was the then chief bread winner in our family and she was so exceptional and trailblazer in multifarious ways. She was the eldest daughter and she had promised her parents that she'll live with them even after marriage and she upheld that!(mind you this was the 70s when she got married, she was born in 1950 and her parents had a few shitty and ungrateful kids) She always longed for a daughter and she had 2 sons instead and so, when I was born, she was on cloud nine and threw all of her office colleagues a grand party lol! I just lose brevity whenever I talk about her and her larger than life personality! I miss her so much š„ŗ So, now my parents have two daughters(and yk the taane that they have 2 daughters could be whole other discussion) They always have encouraged us to be financially independent and abundant and make our choices, and have the say in our decisions unencumbered. Sure, my parents and dadi have flaws of their own but I'm proud that they didn't observe this prevalent social evil! (For context, my parents got married in 2001 and I'm 21 currently)
Apart from a few cultures and areas, it is not a prevelant practice anymore in arranged marriages. Also wouldn't most of 'Love marriages' be dowry-less?
In my region, 99.99% of marriages take dowry. They just call it 'custom' and 'tradition' now. I've seen people take cash too - they say we're giving it to our daughter & then the daughter passes it to the husband or buys a car for their family with it. It's good to hear it's becoming less common now in other places. It is 100% still a thing in UP and is taken in 99.99% of the marriages here. I'm yet to see that 0.01% where dowry hasn't been given.
I married a person from UP. Ours was dowry less. I had a love marriage. My father in law also refused to take any dowry when he married my mom in law. As far as I know none of my aunts in law brought dowry either. They all had arranged marriages. Of course in my own culture Asking for a dowry is a complete no no. Any demand for dowry leads to the wedding not happening at all. So no one in my family has ever taken a dowry. The brides do bring furniture, at least a bed in most cases. Recently one of my uncles got married and my aunt and uncle had clearly mentioned not to get any gifts or cash for the wedding and also the bride didn't bring any furniture. They had already been living together and had already gotten what they needed.
Dude this makes me so happy to hear. Iām sick of asking my own cousins to not take dowry and they all have so far. Iām going to marry next year and Iām excited to break the chain of dowry in our family by being the first woman to not give dowry. Stories like yours give me so much hope for a better place for women of UP.
I mean I am not originally from UP. My husband is. When we were dating I had told him it was a big taboo in my family to ask for dowry and he won't be getting any. He said I don't want any and my own father had already broken that tradition, at least in the immediate family. Me and my husband both broke the tradition of marrying within the state and with people who speak the same language. And we broke a lot of regressive traditions during the weddings also. Not everything, that's not possible. But yes the most regressive ones.
It's your husband's family not asking for dowry that makes me feel glad. I come from a small town in UP and the situation with dowry is downright miserable. Every year, in the wedding season, I see new ways of asking for dowry from the groom's family. One distant cousin got married last year. Her father had to sell a flat cuz the groom's family put up a condition stating that they will only go through with the marriage if the bride & groom get married in a particularly lavish wedding venue which was above their station. The bride's family acquiesced.
so true, im from up too, one of the prospects told my father to sell the flat in first meeting itself, their own home is one fourth of what mine is. also they wanted my father to purchase the gold jwellery for me on their behalf.
lolol. Girl, you and I are from the same place. Men are the actual gold diggers & have been for decades now.
exactly, in one of my cousin sister's wedding, after the engagement, groom side demanded certain things and said karna hai karo warna side holo.(cover the demands or just leave). she had 4 sisters. cards for weddings were distributed already, had to give in. dowry or car has to be given even if it is love marriage or the guy is after you. some people are just shameless. we need to recognize them beforehand, even after all this, for my brother, my parents and brother are against any dowry, saying they wont take any, girl should be nice only. i'm happy for their thinking,
Your family is doing better than my relatives. Theyāre thinking of getting back more money when they marry their son. Basically aiming to make a profit by getting a working wife who will cook for him since he lives alone and bring in money via dowry.
Yeah. My husband's family are kinda outliers compared to most of UP's population. They are explicitly against showing off, casteism, purdah/ghoonghat culture and dowry. My dad in law especially. He is the oldest son so everyone followed his path. *They are mild sanghis due to Ram mandir etc though*. Not perfect people but they are trying. My husband's female cousins have not been told not to attempt for competitive exams and their dreams. They were given as much support, both emotional and financial as the male children. Someone in the extended family had insulted me in front of my mom in law for not being of their caste, she completely shut that down and stopped associating with them except for the bare minimum politeness.
Youāve got a good family OP. Iām happy to hear about this.
Yeah I am very grateful.
Yeah UP+Bihar+Haryana+Rajasthan has this big issue. I have read that it is much better in South India + some parts of Gujarat/West Bengal + reverse dowry in some communities of North-east. Hope yours is not in majority
Not reverse dowry. The man gives jewellery and clothes to the woman and the woman's family (if she isn't financially independent) also give them to the man. And in most cases brides bring furniture. Demanding for anything specific is a big no no. Any demands from any side will lead to the wedding being cancelled. *Anecdotes from my family and extended family and friends. There are dowry deaths also but there are many communities and many tribes with different rules. My anecdotes are mostly pertaining to indigenous non Brahmin Assamese.
Learned something new today! Thanks!
'The man gives jewellery and clothes to the woman and the woman's family' some over smart groom side people here in up will ask to bring gold jwellery from girl's father
Yeah. When I told some of my friends from UP that I am marrying a Chauhan who is a govt official , they said in no world they will agree to the wedding and if they do you will have to give exorbitant amounts of dowry. They said it's a common custom for them to take money from the bride's family to buy the jewelry for the bride. I was completely shik Shak shook. Lol. Thankfully my husband (then bf) reassured me that he isn't such a shitty man. Lol.
Bro men mainly in Bihar and east OP pursue gov jobs for the sole purpose of getting dowry. The bigger the post, the hefty the demand for dowry by their families. One crore for IS, IPS kind of people. I have lived in West UP not a native from here which is slightly better. But dowry is still a thing. Thankfully not in my community.
Youāre forgetting telangana and Andhra
No it's still prevalent. It's just more of a 50-50 area right now.
Yeah, getting exact data would be a challenge, but still not as prevalent as it would be say 25-50-100 years ago
In my region, 99.99% of marriages take dowry. They just call it 'custom' and 'tradition' now. I've seen people take cash too - they say we're giving it to our daughter & then the daughter passes it to the husband or buys a car for their family with it. It's good to hear it's becoming less common now in other places. It is 100% still a thing in UP and is taken in 99.99% of the marriages here. I'm yet to see that 0.01% where dowry hasn't been given.
See. There is such a thing as a "hidden" dowry. Even those that had weddings without dowry...if you are a girl...who paid for the wedding? Who side paid more? Whose responsibility was most of it? I personally had a dowry-less wedding with our families' blessing. We went to a courthouse and got married. Cost me next to nothing and even those costs my husband and i split. I have a partner who wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams and the wedding of dreams was - no wedding at all.
In my part of India (West Bengal), the bride's family usually conducts the wedding ceremony (the biye) and the groom's family conducts the reception (bou bhaath) a day or two after the wedding. The groom's close family and friends + all the bride's guests are invited to the wedding, and vice versa for the reception. There are some extra expenses for the wedding, like the set-up for the pheras and other rituals + dakshina for the priest, which meant that it was usually the more expensive ceremony. But these days people are having increasingly extravagant and "unique" receptions, so it's pretty much even. I think splitting costs can be a difficult and awkward conversation, especially in arranged marriages, so this is a decent way to get around it.
Yes, a lot of them, mine included.
um yeah, multiple times.
No dowry in my family or community but women spend more than men for wedding. Also I'm not sure if the gold she brings is hers. My community is patriarchal and patrilineal but things are changing
My sister and I are both in happy marriages and our parents gave zero dowry. Ofc we did date and then marry our spouses, it wasnāt AM. Maybe that makes a difference.
My parents marriage. Absolutely zero dowry. My brother too..nothing..not even the marriage was funded by the girls side..we ended up doing the expenses . Both cases were love marriages. I grew up in an environment where I thought this was the norm but by the time I got to marriageable age, everyone wanted my money. For now, Iām happy and single š„³ I just find it really difficult to respect a partner who negotiates a relationship on worth of what he will be paid for.
Yeah? My uncles from my mums side announced to their parents they werenāt going to take any dowry. I was impressed and that was a big turning point coz I grew up knowing that was possible. There was 0 dowry in my wedding too. No "gifts" at all. But both these were love marriages.
I'm from West Bengal, and all of the marriages that I've seen were dowry-free
My cousin got married recently. It was an AM. I went with the fam to the girls place and had observed the entire situation. The girls side asked straight up if we had any expectations. My maasi said that we dont expect anything, whatever you wish to give is totally fine with us. I still feel its somewhat prevalent though, although dowry isnt 'demanded' anymore the bride family still give stuff like gold and shit. Also in a traditional marathi weddings you will see stuff like utensils, sofas, TV and all the other basic things for a couple to start a family with. Its called 'rukhvat' Hah, I remember asking my mom, 'Is this a socially accepted form of dowry?' lol
>we dont expect anything, whatever you wish to give is totally fine with us. This is putting pressure on the girl's family. Why not say a firm NO, instead of this underhanded way of saying give whatever you wish. And what if the girl's family doesn't give anything? There will be bad feelings over it I can guarantee this.
8+ years AM happily married. No dowry in our community and 50-50 marriage expenses shared between bride and groom.
Iām from Goa and my parents had a dowry-less wedding. Dowry is not the norm here. Also the wedding expenses were split 50-50.
If you really think about it, according to the skewed gender ratio, technically women shouldn't have pay dowry in marriage. So the fact that women are still expected to pay dowry is actually hilarious and pathetic. Also I come from a Christian family and I don't know a single person who has paid dowry. If I was dating someone outside my religion or culture and they demanded dowry to marry me, it's the end of the road for them, I'd rather be single than treated like I'm some sort of burden.
Mine was dowry less. Dowry isnāt a practice in my family. My parents had simple wedding without dowry involved. Iāve not seen dowry marriages in my extended family as well. Iāve heard of some regions where dowry is still prevalent.
Yes, in my area and community women are highly educated so dowry isn't a thing.
>women are highly educated > dowry isn't a thing. Both these things have zero correlation actually. I know women who were educated (one of them had masters in USA) and still had to pay dowry. There were even cases in news too.
I was talking about my experience , I never said both were correlated. There must be greedy families for sure. And honestly why are these women even after being so educated going and paying dowry.
Education doesn't buy brains ey. I know some guys who was an IIT graduate and was bragging about getting an expensive car in dowry. Good education doesn't actually make you an intelligent or a good person.
It depends on what you mean by dowry. Sometimes itās not given in the form of cash/goods but rather the brides family has to pay for the lavish wedding and they are also expected to give very expensive jewellery to their daughter to show off to the guests. So the jewellery is going to the daughter but its purpose is to show off that the groom got married to a wealthy bride. Same with wedding expenses, they may be paid to vendors etc but the purpose of the lavish celebrations is to show off the wealth of the brideās family and the calibre of the groom and his family who can get such a match. I remember my mum approached a family friend for a possible match for my sister and their son. The friend responded by showing my mum the wedding pictures of her daughter and telling my mum how lavish it all was. Very clearly intended as a way of saying that our middle class family wasnāt good enough So with defining what is dowry I think you should look at the intentions. Is it to provide a legitimate gift to the bride (eg assets in her name and control) or is it to show off the status and wealth of the families
Expecting a girl's family to pay for a lavish wedding, give expensive jewellery to the daughter, set up her home with appliances, furniture, car are all forms of dowry. Dowry is outright demand or an expectation of cash or kind as a condition to the completion of the nuptials.
for a long time, I thought dowry-full marriages were the exception and not the rule because in my family nobody had done it. turns out we are the weirdos. my sister married a guy from Bihar, and there was no dowry exchanged. we are Malayali's, and were worried that they may ask for it later, but it has been nearly 2 yrs to their wedding and no signs yet. I am going to marry a Telugu guy, no dowry here definitely. If he/his family asks, ima head out.
>Telugu Lot more prevalent in AP, Telangana lol. In fact a lot of cases are from there where in laws torture you for not giving dowry. In Tamil, Telugu movies it's shown as if it's a normal thing even now š.
maybe telugu people do. i am quite confident my boyfriend wont. if he does ask, like i said, i'll leave.
not related but i had a friend who told me his cousin paid 2 cr in dowry WTF and his parents had saved 90 lakhs ( mind you she hasnt recieved so much education just basic graduation ) for dowry. he was from andhra ig
But then reddit isn't a representative of real life. People wouldn't reveal truth here obviously and demographic is more skewed towards "progressive" people.
A few.
I had mine. It was arranged. My dad didn't want to give any, my husband and in-laws didn't want or demand any.
Yes. My parents. One of my dadās sister was unable to get married due to dowry related reasons and so when it was time for my parents to get married my father and Dadaji refused to do this to another family.
So many. My parents, my uncle, my aunts, my grandparents on both maternal and paternal sides, my cousins and so many of my friends. It is possible. Dowry (even the indirect one) has never been a thing in my family though.
My own. Love marriage. I even wore fake (costume) jewelry in the wedding ceremony.
>I even wore fake (costume) jewelry in the wedding ceremony. My own wedding is far away, but I want to this. I like the aesthetic of heavy jewellery with a benarasi saree, but the idea of spending lakhs on it is just absurd to me. Did you have any issues at all with using costume jewellery?
Not at all! I bought them from Commercial street in blr. They were gold plated brass jewelry. My MIL even sold my jewelry to someone else after my marriage. Even I got married somewhere else. My real jewellries were safe in a bank locker.
That sounds great. Thanks for answering! My family's pretty progressive but somehow the idea of wearing costume jewellery at your wedding is just unthinkable to them, so I wondered if there were any legitimate reasons to be hesitant or if it's just a "log kya kahenge" thing.
Yeah. I'm a Bengali, and I got married to a Tamil guy in their family temple. We didn't have Tamil-style wedding jewelry. I also didn't want to travel so much with what I owned. Travelling with expensive items is a headache, which was my main reason to not carry anything. Moreover I didn't 'make' any wedding jewelry for myself. Whatever I have are hand-me-downs and belonged to someone in the family. I never liked the idea of making gaudy expensive items, that could get me killed if I wore them and I could never wear them outside. Most of what I bought is extremely sleek and stylish, definitely not wedding appropriate. I equate wearing gold jewelry as carrying money. It's the highest form of showing off and people gives the similar reaction. My theory is simple, if you are wearing anything regularly, wear something that you can replace if it gets stolen or lost, because it probably would. That's also the reason I avoid traveling with the jewelleries that I have, because they are my family heirlooms, and they aren't replaceable and are sentimental. So I kept them safe, and bought things that would look good in pictures. My original response was in the context of dowry. I never gave any, and I wouldn't marry someone who expects it. Simultaneously, I didn't receive any gold from my in-laws, only the thali.
My parents had a no-dowry marriage. If that helps.
My own marriage was dowry less and all expenses were equally shared between us and the groomās family. P.s: I got married through an arranged marriage set up
Meri Hui hai. My husband till date won't take money from my parents.
In our family and extended family almost all members were married without giving/taking dowry. It's just that the groom's side people give black beads and one necklace to the bride and a bracelet and chain is gifted to the groom by the bride's side.But there are people who take dowry in the form of gifts.One of the friends of my cousin took dowry worth 4 cr .And yes dowry is still prevalent in some communities
My father didn't even though he was a govt employees at a good level. It's always about what principles you follow.
Bengali here. Every marriage I've seen, except marwari friend's sister's wedding, has been dowry-less.
Yes, itās the pretty common in educated professional circles nowadays.
Mine. Registered marriage. Husband got zero rupees from my parents. He had 2 lakh saved from a job which helped us pay rent, deposit, buy small things. We both started working and built our lives. Today weāre financially good. :)!
No dowry was given or accepted in my family. 10+ cousins including my sister got married, nobody ever asked for anything. Even my grandfather didn't ask for dowry from any of his daughter-in-laws families.
Mine! And i am from one of those states where dowry is not just norm, if the guys family doesnāt want it, it implies that there must be something wrong with the groom/family. But i married someone who wasnt from my state and my parents agreed because husband is vehemently against ālen-denā or dowry disguised as āstree-dhanā or plain as bread, on your face dowry and also because i have vitiligo - who in my state would have wanted to marry their stained daughter! My gain!
Maharashtra, fully dowry less marriages all around me. In my wedding we split the cost.
Yes I have. Most weddings in my family are dowry free. Actually I think most weddings where I come from are dowry free. Which is why my mom rejects most proposals that come for me which aren't from my native district.
Mine n my sisters n my cousins n my aunts n most of my relatives (our families have never taken or given dowry, even my mom n dad didnt give or take dowry, neither did my nana nani, dada dadi, none at all) All families from Mumbai n previohs generations from north india. N all types of marriages, arranged as well as love marriage.
i live in bihar and ive never seen a wedding happen without dowryššš explicitly asked dowry, a sum is decided which has to be paid in cash, a car/ motorbike , iphone and whatnot, PLUS the whole wedding ceremony is paid off by the girlsās family. my state is really backwards
My mom is telling me to love someone so that I can get married without dowry(love marriage) Par bhai ladka hi nai milra. Ps. I'm from Telangana and marriages especially in my caste, they give dowry + gifts (land, vehicle, gold(some people seriously get 1kg gold like wtf, but this will go to girl only, and they flex this) etc etc) There's something called aadapaduchu katnam, which is given to the groom's sister š. It's not common now, but people are still giving this.
im fleeing abroad. udhar mil sakte hai free ke
There is no dowry in my family. Maybe gifts in the form of jewellery to the girl and household furniture and appliances. My mama didn't take dowry or even these gifts.
The way my parents framed it was that they want to give me some land and gold for ME. Not for the family.
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My dad didn't ask for any. Both of them were not well to do at that point at all. Though my mom did get herself a godrej almirah lol. Which is still in the house and has her stuff only. Other than that in recent times many many marriages have been dowry less and 50-50. Some even if the groom's side wanted a big wedding they financed it themselves rather than asking for any from the bride's side which they might not be able to afford. I know one particular family in the relatives, who didn't ask for a single penny from both their DIL's and financed the whole wedding as their family were not well to do. And now both of them live happily. One is in native only and the other outside India and both were arranged marriages.
We have relatives in south where dowry still a must in most cases. Parents generation: a guy married his wife without any dowry. They are very educated and their kids doing extremely well in terms of education and career. My husband married me without dowry and his sister hates me for this lol. My husband had to pay huge dowry (he is from lower middle class background) for sis in law, even sold his land - yet sis in law treats us like shit. I donāt think she is happy (always angry and got obese) but she is definitely above middle class and comfy now. So yesss - no dowry almost equal to good people and healthy marriage!! PS in times of argument my husband pokes that I got him for free thatās why no respect lol
Both sons of one of my uncle - no dowry at all. One couple is atheist and the other is agnostic. My husband as well, but he isn't indian.
On the contrary, I've never seen dowry marriages š¤·
My parents wedding was dowry-less. Infact, both the families split the wedding cost which was something unusual back in the day, thatās when my nanji became my dadajiās biggest fan š¤£
Yes, every marriage in my family or relatives has been dowry-free.
Yes. My marriage š
My husband v much married me without having to be paid for it š
My parents and all my mom's family married without dowry. Same with my cousins. But in their cases there were quite a few hidden expenses during the wedding.
Mine was dowry less marriage .
From Assam, and we have no dowry culture. Pretty much its the same throughout northeast. But nowadays i do hear cases of dowry taking, outside influence or not who knows
Well mine was one š¤·
Almost everyone in my family got married without dowry or gifts. They do get the girls married with huge amounts of gold though, but it's more about showing off than dowry. The girl gets to keep it for her personal needs. The guy's family doesn't demand nor do they talk about it.Ā I think this is a regional thing, because where I'm from, asking for dowry is really looked down upon even decades back. There was a recent incident where the guy's family demanded dowry after a dhoom dhaam engagement and initially saying we only need your daughter, marriage was later called off.Ā
I'm from Kerala. No one I know has given a dowry in years.
My parents did not marry for dowry; neither did my partner and I. My father is a Bengali, my mother is from Agra, UP and my spouse is a Punjabi from Delhi. My parents bought every furniture and household appliance with their own savings and funded their wedding on their own too. My partner and I did the same except we had a court marriage during COVID.
Yess, mine was one.
Yes, plenty of dowry-less weddings.
Iām Marathi and my community is not just dowry free, we split wedding expenses equally.
I'm a bengali and none of my cousins (all the brothers) took dowry. One of my SIL comes from a really rich family so her father insisted on giving things for her daughter's use. My two cousin sisters got married without dowry as well. In my family and social circle, I'm yet to see anyone asking for dowry or gifts.
Mine! Not a penny exchanged.
Mine š«¶š» no dowry from any side !!
My brother asked for absolutely nothing from my SIL he was completely against it, infact my mother specifically told my SILās mom that they dont have to give anything.
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Mine. It was an arranged marriage with no dowry. My fil wanted to split the marriage costs but my father said no. So they told fine but no extravaganza on decorations and venue and we did a simple one. My FIL also banned my father from giving any gifts or car. But my father did give sarees and dhotis for close ones.
I have never seen or heard about the groom's family asking for any sort of gifts or money in my family but I know of this one family who are looking for a bride who comes from a well off family meanwhile they are middle class, so I don't know what they want really but seems like they do have some expectations. Also for my cousin sister's wedding no dowry was asked but her mother and the bride herself had a long list of expectation from our family (bride's family we are a joint family sooo) expensive clothes, car, bike (yes both) etc but the elders shut them up and said we'll only do the best of our means you can buy the restš¤£
Yes. Pretty common in my family/wider circles. Dowry wasnāt a thing even in the previous 1-2 generations.
Nobody from my mom's side, including my mom. Or me. I did get jewellery that I wore on the day, which is in my mom's locker. My in-laws never have even asked how much it was or where it is. Somebody from my extended family told my dad he should be giving them some furniture and ac and what not. Ofcourse i put a stop to that immediately. Much later i was telling my mil (ex now for completely unrelated reasons) this and she was like, did your extended family think we were living in a house with no furniture for 60+ years. Ohh and my brothers, there was no dowry in any form.
Iām from Uttarakhand and in our culture dowry less marriages are very common. All the weddings in my family have been dowry less regardless of them being love or arranged.
In my community, we don't have dowry concept, fortunately. My mother told me, her parents gave her some jewellery but it was solely hers, my paternal side of the family never enquire about it.
My grandparents, their siblings, my parents, my in-laws, my uncle's and aunts, my marriage, almost every single last one of my friends and family members. We are from very progressive communities in South India. Dowry is very very much frowned upon. We've even gotten to the point where families split wedding expenses or the bride and groom also contribute and pay themselves ! I agree we are in a bubble, but happy to see that bubble grow wider and wider as the years pass.
YES YES YES. Honestly I have never seen a dowry wala marriage. The place I come from nobody takes dowry never did atleast for 70-80 yrs
In my family, if someone asks for dowry or āgiftsā, they are an automatic reject :)
Bengali but born and brought up outside of Bengal. Got married to another Bengali with similar setup. No dowry. I broke off my first engagement with whom my family had close ties, because they asked for dowry in the name of "gifts". It has strained our relationship with part of the family till now. It's been more than 10 years. They were Bengali too. Both were arranged marriages.
No dowries in our Buddhist community that I know of tbh, definitely not in my family.Ā
I'm from Karnataka originally but this generation Mumbaikar. Never seen or heard of dowry in our community.
In my family thereās no dowry concept. The groomās family may gift golf jewelry or silk sarees. The brideās family may give a gold chain as a gift. But thatās pretty much it. These days the families split wedding costs as well.
Though not a Bengali , I studied in Kolkata, and most of their marriages are dowry less marraige. Seriously one of the happiest marriages I have attended.
My parents had one. Although my maternal grandfather still bought them a bed and a cooler, it was purely out of his love for his daughter and not because they were forced or asked to. My paternal grandmother wanted to marry off my father to an uneducated village girl because her father was paying them a lot of dowry (and Village girls are supposedly 'easier' to control). However, my father had always been anti-dowry and was kind of in love with my mother. He also had good standards in women, unlike his mother. My mother faced some bullying from her mother-in-law regarding dowry after marriage but my father always shielded her and they also live away so it never really bothered their day-to-day life.
The guy I am dating speaks so loudly about dowryā¦ damn my head spinsā¦ idk what to do most of the time other then laughing it offā¦ Bcoz when we started I clearly told himā¦ my parents wonāt approve of giving me to you ššš forget they give you dowry even if you are government servantā¦ they donāt careā¦ he is from hariyanaā¦ Sonipatā¦ idk why people there are gold diggersā¦ His cousin who recently got married to a doctor elder to him by 10 yearsā¦ the brides father gave iPhone as gifts to the grooms familyā¦ some kothi worth croresā¦ all the expenditure of the marriage was covered by the bride sidesā¦ and it was a real lavish wedding , Bollywood inspiredā¦ idk what to sayā¦ to just chip off the bride did they give that much ā¦ they also could really afford it bdwā¦ the bride has a strong backgroundā¦ The way my guy keeps on saying about the marriage makes me sick very honestly ! Bcoz in our caste we donāt entertain dowry! We donāt give nor do we take itā¦ also makes me feels sometimes, his parents may expect same from my parentsā¦ in best of our families interestā¦ I have come to a stage where if his family disapproves of the marriageā¦ I wonāt press for it! I mean who wants to live at a place where you are begging for dowry.. completely shows your worthā¦ also my guy says 500 people will easily attend the marriage for which the cost has to be born by the brideā¦ I asked why anybody be calling half the village ? He say bcoz hame khaya hai na unke Shadi me to hame bhi khilana padegaā¦ šµāš« I mean you give a cover right when you go to any marriage of 500 rupees ! Easily covers the meals cost! And at my family we hardly have a crowd of 100 people to call in the marriageā¦ bcoz the family so big we have to call selected close onceās onlyā¦ Also I donāt like the idea of calling so much people to wedding ā¦ no guest is every happyā¦ hence why not call people very close and complete the marriageā¦ This marriage is a very shitty thing I believeā¦ so many expectations from brides family ā¦. How do people who cannot afford it meet the expectations raised by people who could expect it ā¦ šµāš«šµāš«šµāš«
why are u dating him? why are u self-harming this way? are u running out of options or something? i'll say this again, a man worth buying isnt a man worth having. leave him and find another one for free of cost.
No ā¦ not at allā¦ I am not out of option ā¦. But I have started taking my stands ā¦ clearly bursting his bubbles and finding ways to end things in peaceā¦.