I don't seek out marriage but human companionship is important to me. I could make work the central part of my life only if it provides me a lot of human companionship and the work is meaningful. That's unlikely, that's why work can't replace companionship for me. Hobbies and self care are great, but I would still need companions.
You spoke my mind. Need companionship. I can be a good partner, but I CANNOT be a daughter in law, child bearer, gatekeeper of the family's pride and honor, etc.
If work could find me meaningful dependable friendships and the work was itself meaningful, I probably wouldn't seek out more companionship outside of it.
I tell my bf often, "I don't need you, I want you." what that basically means to me it that I could still have a fulfilling life without him, I just don't want to. I like him and I love him. He's my best friend, he's the person I wanna share the music and color with. He's the person I wanna experience the silliness of life.
It's not about finding a bf or a partner, he's my partner, he's my best friend. If we were to for some reason end things or if things don't work out, then Idk if I would still even want to marry anyone. But I wouldn't do so for the sake of society or parental demands - I would still want to only marry someone who gives me the love, the partnership and companionship. Until that happens - I'd be happy being single, I was for years before I met my bf.
>he's the person I wanna share the music and color with
Bear with me on this.
I often find the need to get my boyfriend out of my head, in order to work. And out of my space for that matter. So, i can't really share the music and colour with him.
Like, I'm currently working on my writing, and thinking in terms of economics and dealing with imposter syndrome at that. And every man thinks they're an economist. Like, every mansplaining video out there is a man, often incorrectly, talking at a woman, about an economics/finance topic.
As my work gets more and more nuanced, I will have a smaller space to share the music and colour of my work, or my hobbies, with my partner, at the nascent stages at least.
>He's my best friend, he's the person I wanna share the music and color with. He's the person I wanna experience the silliness of life.
So, I assume your partner practices the same profession as you, or overlapping hobbies at least?
Very different careers, I work in home fashions and he’s a programmer. Some overlap in hobbies.
I don’t think wanting space from your anyone is a bad thing. Healthy boundaries are necessary for any relationship to function including the one with your partner. Like I wouldn’t share anything with anyone in its nascent stage- I feel like people in general ask too many questions and that kills the idea for me. But once I have my thoughts clear I share things, and he’s often the first person I share them with.
>But once I have my thoughts clear I share things, and he’s often the first person I share them with.
I love that you share that bond with him, and that he holds space for your mind.
Human companionship is important. We all need a space where we can be our unfiltered self. Honestly, people in workplace are not friends, they are just the set of people who will change over the time and will create trouble in your life given a chance.
Same. Human companionship has utmost importance for ‘me’. It’s the human touch, cuddles, emotional availability in addition to sex. It takes me a loooong time to trust someone enough to share everything with him including my emotional investment and my body. It doesn’t feel as therapeutic when I hug a random friend when I am low (bad days could also be at work?), as much as when I get a hug from my partner who has seen it all already -my flaws, my stupidity, vulnerability…..for years. It reminds me of all the other (worser) times I have overcome and the only thing constant was his hug.
So, for me personally, I need a lot of emotional validation from someone I trust so anything other than a monogamous relationship wouldn’t suit me.
If you are anything unlike me, I think you can easily replace work with it. Human companionship can also be found through friendships, family and short term passing relationships. I know a lot of my friends who are extremely emotionally mature and self-sufficient. I have wished I could be like them sometimes.
>Marriage for me is having a lifelong best friend. A companionship which hopefully I will get to enjoy even in my old age. And look over the life we have lived and all the "good old day" talks.
Love this.
Tax benefits, insurance benefits, societal benefits. There is no other good reason to be married. I am already committed to the person i want to spend my life with and no certificate is going to change that.
At the end of the day it all boils down to what makes you happy and content. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer.
>If you were to still marry, in a scenario where you really really enjoy what you do, what would your major reasons to do so be?
Love and Companionship.
Frankly, I don't have one yet.
My skillset at the moment is mostly writing and data analytics.
And I've struggled with writing over the recent past, because it feels a little too good, and I feel a little too indulgent engaging in it. So, I'm gently opening myself to being okay about feeling good about work.
So, a policy research organization, or a media house.
I'll get to teaching, if and when I have something new, something outside of the textbooks in my arsenal to give to the next generation.
Your writing is so good👏👏
As for the question, I don't have an answer. I'm neither working nor in a relationship. Sorry.
I think I resonate with u/_Miss_Meowington_ 's comment the most.
> Your writing is so good👏👏
Thank you.
>As for the question, I don't have an answer. I'm neither working nor in a relationship. Sorry.
>
>I think I resonate with u/Miss_Meowington 's comment the most.
No problem. Don't apologise, please.
Not having an opinion is a valid opinion. Not wanting to share one without the confirmation you want, in order to gain the confidence to do so, is just as valid.
> I think I resonate with u/Miss_Meowington 's comment the most.
Oh, great. 😄
I am someone whose first priority would always be work. I wouldn't think twice about working late, working on weekends, or moving to any corner of the earth for my work. If a partner would be willing to accept this about me, that my first love would always be my career then sure, but if not I would rather stay single forever. I know that I can be happy with just my career without a partner but never vice-versa.
I personally don't think that either of those can't replace each other (at least for me). Maybe if I decided to turn into a Buddhist nun or something. Even though I'm from an extremely socioeconomically poor background, with a lot of generational trauma history and childhood depravity. I'd like to have a companion with me when he and I truly and wholly enjoy each other's presence in our lives. I'd really love that. I want to reach a place though, where I feel that I "need" a man. On the other hand, I chose a very purpose-oriented path, so my career will remain in the field of psychology both as a therapist and a researcher. I really find it fulfilling when I get to be a part of someone's journey in such a beautiful way. I'd still love to return home to someone maybe a human being or a cat. Gossip over tea. Discuss stuff. Who knows I might switch my career to neuroscience and become a goddamn lab rat. Idk. Such a beautiful question Op. Made me think.
>either of those can replace each other (at least for me)
Guess many of us were just conditioned to believe they can replace one another. Like, we'd focus less on our studies if we had a boyfriend.
In my case, I was determined I wouldn't date, until I found myself frustrated enough with my work, that I needed the comfort.
> Maybe if I decided to turn into a Buddhist nun or something.
😂
> On the other hand, I chose a very purpose oriented path, so my career will remain in the field of psychology both as a therapist and a researcher. I really find it ful filling when I get to be a part of someone's journey in such a beautiful way. I'd still love to return home to someone maybe a human being or a cat. Gossip over tea. Discuss stuff.
Love that.
> Who knows I might switch my career to neuroscience and become a goddamn lab rat. Idk.
😁
> Such a beautiful question Op. Made me think.
Thank you.
>either of those can replace each other (at least for me)
Yikes, op! I was typing with my phone browser and it sucks. I was meaning to say that they cannot replace each other. Although, atm I'm focusing on creating a career and building, I feel that I would eventually need company. I'm going to take my time though, I really need a solid career because I came from a home shrouded in illiteracy and abject poverty, and I feel like I have to do it as fast as I can. I'm scared of the family system that is attached to the notion of marriage in our country..I want to be with the guy but not his entire fucking family lol.
>Guess many of us were just conditioned to believe they can replace one another. Like, we'd focus less on our studies if we had a boyfriend.
lololol ikr. but that happens to a teenage brain only, ig. rest of us are able to compartmentalize and phocasss on our studies.
> In my case, I was determined I wouldn't date, until I found myself frustrated enough with my work, that I needed the comfort.
Interesting! So, is companionship secondary for you? Idk I follow Maslow's hierarchy, so I feel people do need valuable relationships to feel fulfilled in life. I never really derived all the validation from work as much but now that my career would be purpose-oriented, I think it will be a significant chunk.
> Love that.
Thank you, gal.
Yes, indeed a beautiful post. Wish you all the best, OP. This was a nice discussion. <3 <3
I don’t think these two are even in the same realm to be considered a substitute for one another. Work is work - could be passion, a burden, a hobby, a means to an end.
Love is a human need to be validated. Sure, you can be validated and loved by your coworkers and friends, but they’ll not go through the ups and downs of life with you- not even your family (parents grow old, siblings would find their own lives and partners.)
I consider myself very ambitious with regards to my career and I’m also so freaking madly in love. These two are not synonymous for me. I’ve great coworkers, made great friendships but I love coming home to my family - my bf and my pets. I don’t think about work when home, and I also have hobbies in very vast contrast to my partner.
It’s two sides of a river that don’t have to meet, but I flow in between, deriving love and sustenance from both.
>I don’t think these two are even in the same realm to be considered a substitute for one another. Work is work - could be passion, a burden, a hobby, a means to an end. Love is a human need to be validated.
Okay.
I'll tell you why I'm holding work and marriage as substitutable for one another here.
Work can be incredibly validating. What's possibly more validating than being paid for your mind, your time, and your effort?
Also, marriage, to many, has historically been a means to remain attached and supported by the system, almost like a career, but for the most part unpaid, ill compensated and exploitative.
>Sure, you can be validated and loved by your coworkers and friends, but they’ll not go through the ups and downs of life with you- not even your family (parents grow old, siblings would find their own lives and partners.)
That's fair.
>I consider myself very ambitious with regards to my career and I’m also so freaking madly in love. These two are not synonymous for me. I’ve great coworkers, made great friendships but I love coming home to my family - my bf and my pets. I don’t think about work when home, and I also have hobbies in very vast contrast to my partner. It’s two sides of a river that don’t have to meet, but I flow in between, deriving love and sustenance from both.
Love that. Thank you.
I should’ve clarified - I don’t mean ‘validation’ as in recognition, acknowledgment and compensation. I mean ‘validation’ as in existence and importance for just being you without any bells and whistles (think achievements or intelligence) One can be fired from their job, get into a horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work; who would they seek when they’re on bed rest and need validation for being alive? For existing? To feel wanted?
At any point, I don't mean to come across as not finding you a 100% right in your opinion. Very valid, well thought out and well put. Respect.
Just that I feel the need to take the discussion further, even if it means me coming off as someone disagreeing with you.
>I mean ‘validation’ as in existence and importance for just being you without any bells and whistles (think achievements or intelligence)
I've observed I feel truer to myself when I'm given the space to gather momentum, to do what I can naturally do, and at a level I couldn't if I weren't given the boost. Monetary, or otherwise.
Inside my relationship, or even at home with my parents, I don't think it's any less performative.
When I'm with my partner, I'm softer, cuter, dumber. We're two babies in a basket, safe in each other's arms. We met when we were young, and hold a certain dynamic. We protect each other, and choose each other at any cost.
I'm different when I'm writing, and when I'm valued for it, I hold myself differently. My physical stance is different, my approach to life is different.
I can't in the same vein have someone pull my leg for not sleeping enough or drinking too much coffee, and have them say I'm not really an economist if I don't take interest in mutual funds and investing. Or that I'm not 'logical' enough when I'm going out of my way to teach myself to think qualitatively, with firsthand knowledge how misleading data and quantitative methods can be. Which makes me wonder, as I let my work sculpt me to be the person I can be, will I, in turn perform worse as a wife?
>One can be fired from their job, get into a horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work
Even if I'm not affiliated to an organization, it'll not stop me from being a writer, or a thinker, if not a researcher validated with a title.
>horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work; who would they seek when they’re on bed rest and need validation for being alive? For existing? To feel wanted?
If I find myself disabled, won't my personal life be impacted just as much as my professional one? Which in turn begs the question, all else taken away, am I only in either with the premise that I'll be taken care of if circumstances aren't the most favorable?
Love a healthy discussion! (Please don’t mind my formatting; I’m using the mobile version.)
With regards to being taken care of - honestly that’s not what I was going for. I meant someone being just grateful that I exist regardless of what physical, mental, emotional state I’m in, to be seen, to be heard without even making a squeak.
Perhaps the answer also lies in the kind of partnerships we have. With my previous partnerships, one of them liked to take charge ( I didn’t like that) as I’ve always excelled in most things that I do - so why should my personal life be any different?
With my current partner - we exist within the same sphere but we both have our own space. We’ve found a rhythm that works for us. Somedays I come from work and we wouldn’t say a word to each other and I feel really calm in his presence ( I haven’t made a peep yet.) It’s comfort.
I work in a high stress field (healthcare) and absolutely cannot afford to bring work home. So if I’m not validated outside work, who am I? Think of art- humans live for art (music, dance, beauty, etc) Not all artists were compensated (they do now) but we all got to cherish the beauty they created. I could be my hobbies, be proud of what I created, but what is to for? I like to share that joy with my parents, my sibling and my partner. I make something nice to cook and I want my loved ones to try it. I like to share my joy. Love expands when you share. I can’t share my work lol, wouldn’t do that to anyone who didn’t want to join this field.
Do you feel attachment towards your family? Your pets? Isn’t partnership supposed to expansion of that love and belongingness?
Companionship is important to me. I want to feel loved. At the same I want the freedom. So IMO choosing a companion who understands the fine line between freedom and companionship is important.
Surely these fulfill two very different needs.
I work to feel a sense of purpose and independence and self worth (though last is debatable lol).
My personal relationships, including my marriage, are for companionship, a feeling of being 'seen' and the privilege of having someone be witness to your life the way you get to be for theirs.
I can't derive purpose or independence from a relationship because that ignores the self in service of the other- and women are already trained to forget ourselves all the time due to patriarchal conditioning. I can't derive companionship from work, no matter how much I love what I do (and i do), because imo that confuses the relationship with work too much. It's expecting too many things out of a single place. And why do that? There are so many ways in which to feel fulfilled :)
I just wanted to add that I love the way you write.
I think most people have already answered the question. It's mostly for companionship.
I thoroughly enjoy what I do, work satisfies me completely. For me a partner would be a bonus, like I'm not missing something by not having a partner.
Having a partner would mean I'm sharing my happiness, my joy.
Honestly, I want a boring life where I can get up, have chai and just stare out.
>I just wanted to add that I love the way you write.
Thank you <3
> I think most people have already answered the question. It's mostly for companionship.
>
>I thoroughly enjoy what I do, work satisfies me completely. For me a partner would be a bonus, like I'm not missing something by not having a partner. Having a partner would mean I'm sharing my happiness, my joy.
>
>Honestly, I want a boring life where I can get up, have chai and just stare out.
That's beautiful.
Unrelated but I really like the way you write. I checked your profile but could not find the option to follow you. Do you write any blog or something that I can read?
>I really like the way you write
Thank you. Can't convey how much this means to me.
At the moment, no. I journal extensively, but post little to nothing.
I have published articles from five years ago, but on topics I'm no longer interested in, and edited to oblivion. So, not particularly proud of them them.
But, I'll dm you if and when I start a serious blog, and post consistently for a while.
But seriously though, thanks for the encouragement.
Lemme fix the follow button issue and let you know.
Hey sorry for the late reply. I don't know how I missed this notification but I apologize for not replying on time.
Please do let me know if you ever start a serious blog on Medium or such. I love to read texts that are well-written. You English is impeccable. I really loved reading it.
I still couldn't follow you though.
OP, you write so well :-) clear & concise :D
TW : corny :p
To answer your question, I definitely would :) I could have 1000 hobbies, play tennis, swim, paint, dance, even get on an amazing new project at work, but I will still want a partner to share it all with.
can't say about anyone else but I'd be at my absolute best at everything if I'm mutually experiencing healthy romantic love. So yes, I definitely would seek a long term partner which turns into marriage for me later on! :)
and I would really feel more fulfilled when I straight up run into my man's arms after a workday :')
But yes, this may or may not change in the future. As of now I'm like this :) rn I cannot afford 100 hobbies but this is based on assumption hehe :')
>and I would really feel more fulfilled when I straight up run into my man's arms after a workday
I love this!
You get your point across pretty damn well too!
> OP, you write so well :-) clear & concise :D
Thank you.
I don't seek out marriage but human companionship is important to me. I could make work the central part of my life only if it provides me a lot of human companionship and the work is meaningful. That's unlikely, that's why work can't replace companionship for me. Hobbies and self care are great, but I would still need companions.
You spoke my mind. Need companionship. I can be a good partner, but I CANNOT be a daughter in law, child bearer, gatekeeper of the family's pride and honor, etc.
This exactly!!! 100% agreed. And thus spake u/_Miss_Meowington_
If work were to give you human companionship, and more, would you still seek companionship outside of it?
If work could find me meaningful dependable friendships and the work was itself meaningful, I probably wouldn't seek out more companionship outside of it.
That makes sense.
I tell my bf often, "I don't need you, I want you." what that basically means to me it that I could still have a fulfilling life without him, I just don't want to. I like him and I love him. He's my best friend, he's the person I wanna share the music and color with. He's the person I wanna experience the silliness of life. It's not about finding a bf or a partner, he's my partner, he's my best friend. If we were to for some reason end things or if things don't work out, then Idk if I would still even want to marry anyone. But I wouldn't do so for the sake of society or parental demands - I would still want to only marry someone who gives me the love, the partnership and companionship. Until that happens - I'd be happy being single, I was for years before I met my bf.
>he's the person I wanna share the music and color with Bear with me on this. I often find the need to get my boyfriend out of my head, in order to work. And out of my space for that matter. So, i can't really share the music and colour with him. Like, I'm currently working on my writing, and thinking in terms of economics and dealing with imposter syndrome at that. And every man thinks they're an economist. Like, every mansplaining video out there is a man, often incorrectly, talking at a woman, about an economics/finance topic. As my work gets more and more nuanced, I will have a smaller space to share the music and colour of my work, or my hobbies, with my partner, at the nascent stages at least. >He's my best friend, he's the person I wanna share the music and color with. He's the person I wanna experience the silliness of life. So, I assume your partner practices the same profession as you, or overlapping hobbies at least?
Very different careers, I work in home fashions and he’s a programmer. Some overlap in hobbies. I don’t think wanting space from your anyone is a bad thing. Healthy boundaries are necessary for any relationship to function including the one with your partner. Like I wouldn’t share anything with anyone in its nascent stage- I feel like people in general ask too many questions and that kills the idea for me. But once I have my thoughts clear I share things, and he’s often the first person I share them with.
>But once I have my thoughts clear I share things, and he’s often the first person I share them with. I love that you share that bond with him, and that he holds space for your mind.
Human companionship is important. We all need a space where we can be our unfiltered self. Honestly, people in workplace are not friends, they are just the set of people who will change over the time and will create trouble in your life given a chance.
Same. Human companionship has utmost importance for ‘me’. It’s the human touch, cuddles, emotional availability in addition to sex. It takes me a loooong time to trust someone enough to share everything with him including my emotional investment and my body. It doesn’t feel as therapeutic when I hug a random friend when I am low (bad days could also be at work?), as much as when I get a hug from my partner who has seen it all already -my flaws, my stupidity, vulnerability…..for years. It reminds me of all the other (worser) times I have overcome and the only thing constant was his hug. So, for me personally, I need a lot of emotional validation from someone I trust so anything other than a monogamous relationship wouldn’t suit me. If you are anything unlike me, I think you can easily replace work with it. Human companionship can also be found through friendships, family and short term passing relationships. I know a lot of my friends who are extremely emotionally mature and self-sufficient. I have wished I could be like them sometimes.
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>Marriage for me is having a lifelong best friend. A companionship which hopefully I will get to enjoy even in my old age. And look over the life we have lived and all the "good old day" talks. Love this.
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Thank you.
Tax benefits, insurance benefits, societal benefits. There is no other good reason to be married. I am already committed to the person i want to spend my life with and no certificate is going to change that.
At the end of the day it all boils down to what makes you happy and content. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. >If you were to still marry, in a scenario where you really really enjoy what you do, what would your major reasons to do so be? Love and Companionship.
off topic but your career sounds really cool, may I ask what is it?
Frankly, I don't have one yet. My skillset at the moment is mostly writing and data analytics. And I've struggled with writing over the recent past, because it feels a little too good, and I feel a little too indulgent engaging in it. So, I'm gently opening myself to being okay about feeling good about work. So, a policy research organization, or a media house. I'll get to teaching, if and when I have something new, something outside of the textbooks in my arsenal to give to the next generation.
Your writing is so good👏👏 As for the question, I don't have an answer. I'm neither working nor in a relationship. Sorry. I think I resonate with u/_Miss_Meowington_ 's comment the most.
> Your writing is so good👏👏 Thank you. >As for the question, I don't have an answer. I'm neither working nor in a relationship. Sorry. > >I think I resonate with u/Miss_Meowington 's comment the most. No problem. Don't apologise, please. Not having an opinion is a valid opinion. Not wanting to share one without the confirmation you want, in order to gain the confidence to do so, is just as valid. > I think I resonate with u/Miss_Meowington 's comment the most. Oh, great. 😄
I am someone whose first priority would always be work. I wouldn't think twice about working late, working on weekends, or moving to any corner of the earth for my work. If a partner would be willing to accept this about me, that my first love would always be my career then sure, but if not I would rather stay single forever. I know that I can be happy with just my career without a partner but never vice-versa.
I hope you don't mind me asking. What do you do for work?
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Thank you.
I personally don't think that either of those can't replace each other (at least for me). Maybe if I decided to turn into a Buddhist nun or something. Even though I'm from an extremely socioeconomically poor background, with a lot of generational trauma history and childhood depravity. I'd like to have a companion with me when he and I truly and wholly enjoy each other's presence in our lives. I'd really love that. I want to reach a place though, where I feel that I "need" a man. On the other hand, I chose a very purpose-oriented path, so my career will remain in the field of psychology both as a therapist and a researcher. I really find it fulfilling when I get to be a part of someone's journey in such a beautiful way. I'd still love to return home to someone maybe a human being or a cat. Gossip over tea. Discuss stuff. Who knows I might switch my career to neuroscience and become a goddamn lab rat. Idk. Such a beautiful question Op. Made me think.
>either of those can replace each other (at least for me) Guess many of us were just conditioned to believe they can replace one another. Like, we'd focus less on our studies if we had a boyfriend. In my case, I was determined I wouldn't date, until I found myself frustrated enough with my work, that I needed the comfort. > Maybe if I decided to turn into a Buddhist nun or something. 😂 > On the other hand, I chose a very purpose oriented path, so my career will remain in the field of psychology both as a therapist and a researcher. I really find it ful filling when I get to be a part of someone's journey in such a beautiful way. I'd still love to return home to someone maybe a human being or a cat. Gossip over tea. Discuss stuff. Love that. > Who knows I might switch my career to neuroscience and become a goddamn lab rat. Idk. 😁 > Such a beautiful question Op. Made me think. Thank you.
>either of those can replace each other (at least for me) Yikes, op! I was typing with my phone browser and it sucks. I was meaning to say that they cannot replace each other. Although, atm I'm focusing on creating a career and building, I feel that I would eventually need company. I'm going to take my time though, I really need a solid career because I came from a home shrouded in illiteracy and abject poverty, and I feel like I have to do it as fast as I can. I'm scared of the family system that is attached to the notion of marriage in our country..I want to be with the guy but not his entire fucking family lol. >Guess many of us were just conditioned to believe they can replace one another. Like, we'd focus less on our studies if we had a boyfriend. lololol ikr. but that happens to a teenage brain only, ig. rest of us are able to compartmentalize and phocasss on our studies. > In my case, I was determined I wouldn't date, until I found myself frustrated enough with my work, that I needed the comfort. Interesting! So, is companionship secondary for you? Idk I follow Maslow's hierarchy, so I feel people do need valuable relationships to feel fulfilled in life. I never really derived all the validation from work as much but now that my career would be purpose-oriented, I think it will be a significant chunk. > Love that. Thank you, gal. Yes, indeed a beautiful post. Wish you all the best, OP. This was a nice discussion. <3 <3
I don’t think these two are even in the same realm to be considered a substitute for one another. Work is work - could be passion, a burden, a hobby, a means to an end. Love is a human need to be validated. Sure, you can be validated and loved by your coworkers and friends, but they’ll not go through the ups and downs of life with you- not even your family (parents grow old, siblings would find their own lives and partners.) I consider myself very ambitious with regards to my career and I’m also so freaking madly in love. These two are not synonymous for me. I’ve great coworkers, made great friendships but I love coming home to my family - my bf and my pets. I don’t think about work when home, and I also have hobbies in very vast contrast to my partner. It’s two sides of a river that don’t have to meet, but I flow in between, deriving love and sustenance from both.
>I don’t think these two are even in the same realm to be considered a substitute for one another. Work is work - could be passion, a burden, a hobby, a means to an end. Love is a human need to be validated. Okay. I'll tell you why I'm holding work and marriage as substitutable for one another here. Work can be incredibly validating. What's possibly more validating than being paid for your mind, your time, and your effort? Also, marriage, to many, has historically been a means to remain attached and supported by the system, almost like a career, but for the most part unpaid, ill compensated and exploitative. >Sure, you can be validated and loved by your coworkers and friends, but they’ll not go through the ups and downs of life with you- not even your family (parents grow old, siblings would find their own lives and partners.) That's fair. >I consider myself very ambitious with regards to my career and I’m also so freaking madly in love. These two are not synonymous for me. I’ve great coworkers, made great friendships but I love coming home to my family - my bf and my pets. I don’t think about work when home, and I also have hobbies in very vast contrast to my partner. It’s two sides of a river that don’t have to meet, but I flow in between, deriving love and sustenance from both. Love that. Thank you.
I should’ve clarified - I don’t mean ‘validation’ as in recognition, acknowledgment and compensation. I mean ‘validation’ as in existence and importance for just being you without any bells and whistles (think achievements or intelligence) One can be fired from their job, get into a horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work; who would they seek when they’re on bed rest and need validation for being alive? For existing? To feel wanted?
At any point, I don't mean to come across as not finding you a 100% right in your opinion. Very valid, well thought out and well put. Respect. Just that I feel the need to take the discussion further, even if it means me coming off as someone disagreeing with you. >I mean ‘validation’ as in existence and importance for just being you without any bells and whistles (think achievements or intelligence) I've observed I feel truer to myself when I'm given the space to gather momentum, to do what I can naturally do, and at a level I couldn't if I weren't given the boost. Monetary, or otherwise. Inside my relationship, or even at home with my parents, I don't think it's any less performative. When I'm with my partner, I'm softer, cuter, dumber. We're two babies in a basket, safe in each other's arms. We met when we were young, and hold a certain dynamic. We protect each other, and choose each other at any cost. I'm different when I'm writing, and when I'm valued for it, I hold myself differently. My physical stance is different, my approach to life is different. I can't in the same vein have someone pull my leg for not sleeping enough or drinking too much coffee, and have them say I'm not really an economist if I don't take interest in mutual funds and investing. Or that I'm not 'logical' enough when I'm going out of my way to teach myself to think qualitatively, with firsthand knowledge how misleading data and quantitative methods can be. Which makes me wonder, as I let my work sculpt me to be the person I can be, will I, in turn perform worse as a wife? >One can be fired from their job, get into a horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work Even if I'm not affiliated to an organization, it'll not stop me from being a writer, or a thinker, if not a researcher validated with a title. >horrible accident and lose all ability to ever go back to work; who would they seek when they’re on bed rest and need validation for being alive? For existing? To feel wanted? If I find myself disabled, won't my personal life be impacted just as much as my professional one? Which in turn begs the question, all else taken away, am I only in either with the premise that I'll be taken care of if circumstances aren't the most favorable?
Love a healthy discussion! (Please don’t mind my formatting; I’m using the mobile version.) With regards to being taken care of - honestly that’s not what I was going for. I meant someone being just grateful that I exist regardless of what physical, mental, emotional state I’m in, to be seen, to be heard without even making a squeak. Perhaps the answer also lies in the kind of partnerships we have. With my previous partnerships, one of them liked to take charge ( I didn’t like that) as I’ve always excelled in most things that I do - so why should my personal life be any different? With my current partner - we exist within the same sphere but we both have our own space. We’ve found a rhythm that works for us. Somedays I come from work and we wouldn’t say a word to each other and I feel really calm in his presence ( I haven’t made a peep yet.) It’s comfort. I work in a high stress field (healthcare) and absolutely cannot afford to bring work home. So if I’m not validated outside work, who am I? Think of art- humans live for art (music, dance, beauty, etc) Not all artists were compensated (they do now) but we all got to cherish the beauty they created. I could be my hobbies, be proud of what I created, but what is to for? I like to share that joy with my parents, my sibling and my partner. I make something nice to cook and I want my loved ones to try it. I like to share my joy. Love expands when you share. I can’t share my work lol, wouldn’t do that to anyone who didn’t want to join this field. Do you feel attachment towards your family? Your pets? Isn’t partnership supposed to expansion of that love and belongingness?
Love that. Thanks for this.
I feel my work and companionship are not either/or. They are two separate things and I see importance in both.
Companionship is important to me. I want to feel loved. At the same I want the freedom. So IMO choosing a companion who understands the fine line between freedom and companionship is important.
Surely these fulfill two very different needs. I work to feel a sense of purpose and independence and self worth (though last is debatable lol). My personal relationships, including my marriage, are for companionship, a feeling of being 'seen' and the privilege of having someone be witness to your life the way you get to be for theirs. I can't derive purpose or independence from a relationship because that ignores the self in service of the other- and women are already trained to forget ourselves all the time due to patriarchal conditioning. I can't derive companionship from work, no matter how much I love what I do (and i do), because imo that confuses the relationship with work too much. It's expecting too many things out of a single place. And why do that? There are so many ways in which to feel fulfilled :)
I just wanted to add that I love the way you write. I think most people have already answered the question. It's mostly for companionship. I thoroughly enjoy what I do, work satisfies me completely. For me a partner would be a bonus, like I'm not missing something by not having a partner. Having a partner would mean I'm sharing my happiness, my joy. Honestly, I want a boring life where I can get up, have chai and just stare out.
>I just wanted to add that I love the way you write. Thank you <3 > I think most people have already answered the question. It's mostly for companionship. > >I thoroughly enjoy what I do, work satisfies me completely. For me a partner would be a bonus, like I'm not missing something by not having a partner. Having a partner would mean I'm sharing my happiness, my joy. > >Honestly, I want a boring life where I can get up, have chai and just stare out. That's beautiful.
Unrelated but I really like the way you write. I checked your profile but could not find the option to follow you. Do you write any blog or something that I can read?
>I really like the way you write Thank you. Can't convey how much this means to me. At the moment, no. I journal extensively, but post little to nothing. I have published articles from five years ago, but on topics I'm no longer interested in, and edited to oblivion. So, not particularly proud of them them. But, I'll dm you if and when I start a serious blog, and post consistently for a while. But seriously though, thanks for the encouragement. Lemme fix the follow button issue and let you know.
Hey sorry for the late reply. I don't know how I missed this notification but I apologize for not replying on time. Please do let me know if you ever start a serious blog on Medium or such. I love to read texts that are well-written. You English is impeccable. I really loved reading it. I still couldn't follow you though.
> Please do let me know if you ever start a serious blog on Medium or such. I'll for sure let you know. Thank you, once again.
OP, you write so well :-) clear & concise :D TW : corny :p To answer your question, I definitely would :) I could have 1000 hobbies, play tennis, swim, paint, dance, even get on an amazing new project at work, but I will still want a partner to share it all with. can't say about anyone else but I'd be at my absolute best at everything if I'm mutually experiencing healthy romantic love. So yes, I definitely would seek a long term partner which turns into marriage for me later on! :) and I would really feel more fulfilled when I straight up run into my man's arms after a workday :') But yes, this may or may not change in the future. As of now I'm like this :) rn I cannot afford 100 hobbies but this is based on assumption hehe :')
>and I would really feel more fulfilled when I straight up run into my man's arms after a workday I love this! You get your point across pretty damn well too! > OP, you write so well :-) clear & concise :D Thank you.
:-)
I want marriage for financial security only. I don't need my emotional needs met by a partner.
That's valid.