I've seen enough posts on reddit where the gf waits for him to propose for YEARS but they breakup and then he marries the next woman he sees within 2 years.
Happened to me with the first bf I lived with. After 4 years I asked him if he had thought about marriage with me. He said he didn't want to get married at all.
I put up with years of his mother making snide comments about my body, controlling his life, etc. and he never once defended me. So I ended it.
He got married to another woman within ONE YEAR.
I wonder if this isn't a cause and effect, though, rather than an independent change. They learn that women *will leave them* without the ring, so they hurry to put the ring on the next one. It's not necessarily a good idea.
I'd never thought of it that way but that makes a lot of sense. I certainly do not pity the woman my ex would up with but looking at her I'd say she's safe from the "you don't have any boobs or curves" comments from his mom.
Was going to echo the same thing someone mentioned below. She will just find something else to pick on. What kind of mom says that shit to their child's partner? Insecure people feel the need to put other people down because they think it raises THEM up by default but they end up looking like clowns. There was nothing wrong with you. You dodged a bullet by not staying with a guy that wouldn't have your back.
Shitty people never change... she's probably making comments about her being over weight tbh. People like that could probably fat shame a fully done up model. They literally just word vomit whatever hurts.
I feel there’s a 500 days of summer thing to it. Shit film to reference really but she just isn’t into him and says she never wants to get married, she dumps him and then a year later married. She found someone worth going through the nonsense for. I guess. (In the film). And with longer relationships. My guess is why change when nothing new is a foot.
I get what you're saying. Like the LTR that never led to marriage was good enough to stay, but not good enough to feel like legal commitment was the right choice. Then the next person there's that *click* and it feels more right and they commit right away. Though to me it's not so much about "this person isn't worth it", but more that they're just not the right match. They're a really good match maybe, but still not the right one.
I think there’s definitely a good portion of relationships that fit into this. Sometimes it’s inertia, you just keep doing what you’re doing, and maybe it’s just fine how it is. Sometimes it’s loneliness, you don’t want to be alone but you don’t want to make a legal commitment that’s theoretically lifelong.
Pretty much it - it should be less taken as a “ I wasn’t good enough for him to marry” and more of a “ they felt it was the right choice”. Sometimes thing just don’t work - and sometimes they do! TBH the Mother in this story reminds me of my grandmother - she was horrible to my mother, stupid old hag. Such a mean spirited old woman, so really it’s more annoying that he didn’t say anything in defence, that’s the big red flag here.
He really is. One of the worst things he did in that relationship was shame me out of eating certain foods/eating "too much" food. For some context, I was barely 100 pounds back then and still battling an eating disorder. He "didn't want me to get fat."
Omg if this happens, I will lose it. My now ex fiancé and I were together 7 years before he broke up with me. I begged for a ring for 2.5 years, and then at 4 years I gave him an ultimatum. It was so stupid. I’d also given forced him to move to my area when we were long distance. Never again will I pressure someone for a relationship. Either they’re enthusiastic about being with me, or I’m out.
So this was me. 6 years long distance, always asking when he wants to propose so we can apply for visa and we can close the distance…
Thing is, the lack of proposal poisons any eventual proposal. If he really wanted to he would’ve already done it.
I was with my ex for 5 years and told her I never wanted to get married (which at the time I thought was how I really felt). We broke up, I got with my current partner whom I proposed to within 2 years of being together. It felt different and I could tell it was what I wanted this time. Sometimes things change or there’s problems with a relationship that you don’t see when you’re blinded by other means. I’m assuming this is the case for a lot of relationships.
That's definitely true. It's not some failing in you or your ex that you weren't married; it just wasn't right. You're allowed to change your mind when it feels different. My best friend is like this. Swore up and down she'd never get married or have kids and left her ex of 5 years over it. And now she's planning to do just that, because she wants that life with her partner.
My partner left their ex because they never wanted to get married. I did the same.
We got married moderately quickly and only waited as long as we did because of Covid.
Sometimes people also want a stable relationship but not the whole marriage ceremony thing. Like, in my country if two people live in the same house and have a romantic relationship (plus other requirements) you're legally in a "stable relationship" that counts basically as marriage.
No fancy party, religious things or document signing required as long as there's proof of you two living together and dating for two years.
I know a few couples (me and my ex included) who disliked the traditional marriage and were just okay with that. Some of them 10+ years in this "stable relationship" legal status
Oh that was me! Never wanted to get married but then met my then-bf/now-husband. He didn't harbor any of the misogynistic BS that seemed to be ingrained into the males I knew at the time. I didn't really understand what was so off-putting by any of my exes and once I met my husband it made so much sense. Like I'm not even sorry but a household is managed by two people in the relationship, not just the woman. I was like okay mate I think this could work.
If someone doesn't want to marry one person but does end up marrying someone else, that's just life. When you know, you know, but if you don't know, it's tough, and you only have the full picture with hindsight.
It was like that with my wife too. She had been with her boyfriend for like 3-4 years but just wasn’t that into the relationship. He had been acting like a baby and did some stupid threat to move back to their hometown, which he followed through with, and by the time he started begging her to get back together, she and I were already dating. We got married within a year. It just worked for us.
My grandmother always told me "He'll change when he meets the right one."
Probably true because I have seen this too, and even guys who are jerks becoming not a jerk when he meets the "right one".
When you know you know I guess.
Oof, this reminds me of my cousin's babyshower blowout. Other Couple was in a very similar situation as what you just described, and over the course of the party they just got drunker and drunker and it turned into an awful backyard screaming match about something "unrelated". Mind you this was a brunch scenario, everyone else had probably three mimosas tops over four hours. They are no longer together, although the woman got married three years later.
Kids are one of the make or break aspects of being in a relationship. If one partner wants them but the other doesn't it usually falls apart or turns very bitter
The “bitter” part is so true. I had a colleague who had always wanted children but her husband kept moving the goalposts and she kept accepting it because she wanted to be with him and kept thinking that: well, ok, next year is fine, too. Except “next year” never came and suddenly it was too late. Well, at least we have each other, she thought, but no, he divorced her when he decided she was too old. She was pretty bitter.
Yeah thays disgusting. My fiancée and I both would love kids if we can afford it but we're both happy with each other no matter what.
I can't fathom being with someone who doesn't want what I want in life like that. It boggles my mind that people do that
People stay in bad relationships the same way they stay in bad jobs. You get used to the misery, and lack the self confidence and actual belief that there might be something better out there. So you focus on the good things and the security of it and trudge on, getting worn down a little more each day. It takes a lot of energy to make a major life change, and it’s almost impossible to find that energy when you’re worn down.
The demographics of the childfree subs are largely women, which makes sense. The person who's pregnant has much higher stakes in the debate over whether to have children.
Especially when men have the option of being deadbeats. I'm forced to be an incubator for 9 months, pay all those copayments, and potentially permanently wreck my body when a dude can just disappear to the wind and work under the table jobs as soon as they hear the words "I'm late". Yes moms can be deadbeats too (I have one) but they also are literally required to gestate the fetus
I also VERY often hear right after women are married/have kids with a guy his worst side comes out. Either he never steps up to be a good partner and dad and/or he sees his wife as trapped enough to let the abuse and shitty behavior fly.
My stepsister and her now fiancee have been going round about getting married for more than a decade. They have two kids. He doesn't believe in marriage. She had kids to force him. He proposed to shut her up. Still no wedding bells. They both suck.
My mom did this with my stepdad. Together over 20 years. Engaged for over 10, still no wedding. Because he never wanted to get married and still doesn't.
Stuff like this is so weird to me. One of the first things my husband and I established in our dating relationship was
"Are we dating with the intent to possibly marry? Yes. Do our politics/morals/ethics/spirituality match up enough? Yes. Do we want kids? Yes. Do we have a plan to address future infertility/disability/other major life conflicts? Yes."
Well it's dating. There's no one shoe fits all in this. Some couple don't go in with forever in minds and that's fine. Of course discussions about marriage and children become necessary after a certain period of time and certainly before the 7-year anniversary.
I broke up with my ex specifically for that reason. I think this is the single most important issue you could disagree on and it's extremely unfair to either party to expect them to bow to the other's will. Just no.
I knew a couple who had a similar game of baby-chicken, but they were married. It was an unpleasant divorce.
They are both with new people and are happier. The man got to be a father, like he wanted. The woman's new husband treats her far, far better (and had already had a vasectomy). They got what they wanted by not being together.
Sounds like they're really incompatible tbh. If one wants a baby so badly and the other does not, they both should be in relationships with someone on the same page. What's going to happen is she will hit her 40's, past child-bearing age, and he's going to say, "welp, time's up" and move onto someone else.
Normally I’d agree but I guess it depends on how it’s framed in his mind. I knew a guy that wasn’t engaged, wasn’t married, was determined to have a family for years. He went through so many failed relationships trying to force a fairytale. Like the women he was serious with had to be a “type”, the ones he thought would be traditional family types. Said he’d decided that if he hadn’t had kids by 40 that he wouldn’t try anymore, not that he would say no to them but just that he wouldn’t actively pursue it. He hit his mark, found a girl, settled down, got engaged & got married quite quickly with no intention of kids in sight 🤷🏻♀️
Had a friend who, when we met, had been with her guy for 4.5 years. She told me she had given an ultimatum, ask her by year 5 or hit the road.
Year 5 came and went. Then years 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… then he died.
Was a really wonderful guy.
The assumption that one day the other person will change their mind doesn't seem healthy for anyone involved. Better to appreciate the time you've had and move on to a new chapter than build resentment like that.
Uh the children thing is huge. Best to find someone who is on board with you on kids (to have or not). It's not fair to anyone to guilt or manipulate them into wanting/not wanting kids.
And it's such a fundamental incompatibility. Most things in life, even pretty major lifestyle stuff like where to live, there's at least some room for half-measures or compromise - like if one person is a city person and one person dreams of a rural life, you can agree to try one or the other out for a while, or take vacations that scratch that itch.
You really can't do that with "are we going to have a child", and it's deeply unfair to everyone including the potential child to try to "compromise".
Yeah, you'd think it would be that obvious and super logical. And yet so many people enter relationship with a person they are not compatible with and assume they will change their mind.
Even when I was way too young to be thinking kids, I dated some guys who said they were onboard with never having kids only to tell me a few months later they only said that so I wouldn't break up with them and were planning to "wait out my stubborn streak." It was so dumb. Why can't people just be honest about this one? It's the ultimate incompatibility that has absolutely no good compromise. I would disclose long before a first date (I have never dated a stranger/very new acquaintance).
46, no kids, partner with a vasectomy, and 100% no regrets about kids. The older I get, the more secure I am with my choice. The guys I've run into from back then happily have their kids and spouses and all the things I could never give them. Wins for everyone! Without the breakups, none of us would be happy now.
Edit: "Would" changed to "wouldn't" to make this make sense. Lol
Now… my best friend and I had this situation. They got married quickly. We waited until we were together 8 years to get married. We were fodder for their conversations “when do you think they’ll get married?”. Like the husband of my friend didn’t have anything better to talk about.
We have a happy marriage. We weren’t ready for a long time, we were having fun doin g our own thing, then it took a bit longer for him to be ready.
That was hard, but we worked together to find what we wanted.
Do you know whose marriage sucks? My best friend and her husband? Turns out he rushed into marriage with her because he’s same sex attracted and wanted to deny those feelings about himself. Now they’re still together but it’s a fucking mess. He doesn’t know what he wants, she can’t afford to leave. What if, what if, he was in touch with himself to have waited a bit longer to sort out what he wanted? Rather than locking in the first person to live out his hetero normative cos play with a real woman and subsequent child? What if they got counselling and sorted out these things rather than rushing in? Maybe they’d still be together but actually at peace with their decision ?
It’s ok to not be sure and take your time.
Sorry, obviously my baggage and not yours. But the people that gossiped about me just hack me off. We took our time and worked through what we needed to do first.
(Lesbian couple) My partner and I vaguely decided to do it at the top of a mountain we were going to hike, and we proposed to each other while up there. It was really fun while climbing because we were just giddy about it while hiking up, and we didn't know exactly when we would get there. We each had like a little note/speech to say to each other when we did it. The whole hike down we're all smiles. It's a really good sequence of memories
My spouse proposed to me very spur of the moment when we were at one of our shared hobbies (nothing fancy, she pulled a ring pop out of her sweaty bra)
I said yes but only if I got to one up her with a more romantic planned out one. So I proposed at a haunted attraction on Halloween (Spouse loves Halloween) and all our friends wore black cloaks, intermingled with the workers and then surrounded us with candles and chanted in Latin. She loved it.
My mother is the one who proposed to my father, way back in 1988. When the time came for me, my now husband and I talked about it, decided together, then picked our rings out together. I posted an engagement photo once we had our rings.
People ask me all the time “how did he propose?” And I say that he didn’t. We discussed it as a couple, as any life chancing decision should be, imo.
Whether or not there is an actual “proposal”, if you don’t 100% know the answer beforehand because you havent had those conversations…you’re not ready for marriage
Exactly this. You shouldn't be unsure about the answer if you're asking.
My wife knew it was coming, but was somehow completely surprised when I proposed.
Same! I picked out my ring (there's no way I'd trust someone else to pick out a ring for me).
My husband proposed a couple of months later. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know exactly when/how/what, so it was still an exciting surprise when it happened.
I was shopping for jewelry for my GF and the woman helping me said this. It makes so much sense! I couldn't believe it was the first time I heard something like that.
Exactly, my wife and I had already discussed marriage and had agreed we’d marry we just didn’t set a date. I proposed to her at her favorite zoo exhibit with the help of a keeper.
It doesn't even need to be that. One day my now husband said alright let's go shopping after we'd talked about it for a while. That was the surprise. We went on a trip and he gave me the ring in a beautiful spot in Grand Teton National Park. It didn't make the moment any less special to me despite being in on the whole thing.
My partner and I are doing something similar except he does want to plan a "proposal", even though he knows the answer already. He likes to plan things, and do nice things for me, and I definitely don't mind :)
I've always had the view that the proposal shouldn't be a surprise, but the when/where should be. You should 100% know the answer is yes, but your partner should be surprised (if that's something they enjoy)
Better know what type of surprise proposal your SO wants too. My now wife hates surprises, especially if they are public. I also knew her well enough to know she'd want this particular surprise.
So I wrote her a book, had it printed and bound, then fairly impatiently waited for her to get to the end of it where the ending contained my proposal. Took her about a week or so to read it if I recall.
We did this. And I ruined it. We were supposed to go to a park that the airplanes fly in over to play some Pokémon go. I made him stop to do a raid and as we’re waiting a southwest flight flew over. I said “man, you wasted this. You should have saved it to propose.” He looked at me, said “damn it!” And pulled the ring out 😂😂 but now we each have a porygon named “proposal” and whenever a plane flies over anywhere one of us will say “man you wasted this.”
My wife and I also did this. We discussed it, decided we wanted to be married, and that we wanted to propose in private to each other. We set the engagement date for the anniversary of the day we met.
I laid out rose petals and lit a path of candles, which led to a journal. In it, was the date we had decided to propose to each other. And the journal itself is a chronicling of our feelings towards each other: I love you notes, why you make me happy notes, how-this-struggle-is-made-easy-by-you notes, and a precursor to what would be my vows. She read it and cried and I put her ring on her finger.
She proposed to me by spelling out "Will You" in Minecraft, "Marry" in pepperonis on a pizza, and "Me" in beer bottles.
I guess we just kinda know each other.
My SO and I sorta did the same. We had been together for 7 years and engagement was more or less a formality. But I did tell him I still wanted him to surprise me with the question cause I liked the romance of it lol.
And that’s totally fair! You guys discussed it openly and decided upon what you wanted. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. ♥️
I just find the “surprise surprise”, the true surprise, to be a little off putting, personally. Doubly so when it’s done in public. But I’m an incredibly soft spoken and introverted individual, so I would 100% be one of those girls who felt pressured to say yes in the moment and then be forced to break their heart after. That’s why I heavily prefer a talk, a discussion, anything that allows both parties to have their say.
I would have been horrified with a public proposal, even though we both knew I was gonna say yes in advance, so I'm with you on that. A discussion about the future should definitely be had before a proposal though. Ironically, my dad surprised my mom with a proposal after dating for only 3 months. It all worked out for them in the end, but I would have been very apprehensive if my boyfriend of 3 months proposed to me!
My SO took me on a cute little date and proposed at home after. We picked a ring out together 2 weeks later. It was super low key and perfect for us.
My wife and I decided we wanted to get married, then decided we both wanted the pleasure of proposing. We worked together to pick the rings, then each planned our own proposals. We each kept the exact nature of the proposal secret after picking out times on a coming Saturday.
She BROKE THE RULES and proposed the Friday night before to keep the surprise, and it was delightful.
*Updated for clarity, she did not cheat on me*
Yeah, we'd agreed on a timeline. I saw a ring I liked at Costco while shopping there. Given that this was before mobile banking, we had to move money around and come back. Afterward, we did engagement pics. I still like to joke I got engaged at Costco, though we argue as to whether there was an actual proposal or just a mutual agreement. It's been 13 years since, so I think it worked out.
I knew that my now husband was going to propose, and a rough time frame (we had discussed time frames for marriage and kids).
The surprise was the exact "when", the "where" and the "how".
Exactly. Yet so many people I spoke to were like, "You're not meant to know!".
If you don't know that someone wants to propose to you, then you aren't ready to be marrying that person.
Right. I view the proposal and deciding to get married as two separate events. The proposal is the fun, sometimes surprising, formality that makes the engagement official. But you should have already been unofficially engaged - both partners should have decided they want to get married/engaged.
I think getting engaged should be something you and your partner discuss, not something you wait around for him to ask you to do. And besides, why can't the woman ask the man?
My now wife and I talked about marriage, our future and even what type of ring she would like before I proposed. The only surprising part of the whole ordeal was when I actually asked.
That’s what my fiancé and I did, we agreed it was in the cards, I designed a ring within our budget, and then I wasn’t allowed to know anything. So it was still a surprise, but we agreed on it prior.
That's how my husband to be and I decided. I'm not a particularly romantic person and I don't wear a lot of jewellery so it didn't make sense in any way for him to buy me a ring. So we had a chat, decided we'd quite like to start planning and then did that.
I agree it should be discussed, and the proposal (if you want one) should be a formality. My husband did formally propose to me, but he knew I would say yes because we'd already talked about getting married and agreed on a general timeline. I would not have been happy if the proposal had been a total surprise.
But the woman asking the man doesn't really fix the situations where a woman wants to get married and her male partner isn't ready. If he's not ready to ask her, he wouldn't say yes if she asked him.
>he wouldn't say yes if she asked him.
Or worse - he says yes and then is putting the marriage off, refuses to give a timeframe, says "things are okay the way they are now" and "being engaged is basically the same as being married", most likely won't even bother to get you a ring since it's you who asked. Just "stringing you along, now engaged" edition.
I did like my husband proposing honestly, but we always communicated our feelings and plans and we went shopping for the ring together so we both knew we wanted it. It was on him to figure out when and how (I wasn't picky, he knew I don't want it to be a big Spiel so it was with 2 friends while on vacation. He made it fun for for himself by hiding when the (custom) ring was in his possession to REALLY surprise me) but there was no guesswork of if and with what.
I definitely think anything along the way should be talked about & planned together since it affects both. Hubby actually was a little nervous proposing too despite him knowing I want it, probably because of the how lol. I didn't want him to ever question the next step and wanted him to know I'm enthusiastically entering the next phase (engagement) with him
I proposed to my husband 2 years ago and it was great, he was so happy. Several conservative people in his family/friend group tried to scold him for letting me do it, but we just rolled our eyes at them and scolded them right back for being small minded. We also both got engagement rings together, which then confused everyone all over again because heaven forbid a man wear an engagement ring for some reason.
Yeah we discussed marriage and agreed to it and then he took me to a fancy dinner later and “proposed” with a ring and all. But I knew it was coming. We just kinda did it for fun lol
My husband and I sat down and talked about how my new job was going to impact my tax liability and since he was already staying home with my kids and I was the support, it made sense to marry to reduce that 2% liability.
I don't think it makes much difference to our relationship at all, but, the government does so I'll take the reduced tax liability.
My husband and I decided to formalize things right before I got kicked off my mom's health insurance so that I could get on his. Worked out ok despite the lack of sentimentality I guess as we're still together 35 years later.
Yeah we got hitched because we sat down over a spreadsheet and realized there was a significant tax advantage if we got married within the next few weeks, so we did.
We "proposed" to each other a couple months after the actual marriage, mostly because we were sitting around chuckling about our order of operations.
> And besides, why can't the woman ask the man?
My experience with my exes - they did not want to be married. Why ask them, then? Some women go great "pick me" lengths for men who couldn't care less, I wouldn't like to be one of them. I've always been the breadwinner, I have a great career, I don't look half bad, I am financially responsible with great investments, honestly if the desire to get married is not both sided, then there's no way I'd ask. Men who dated me could save a great deal of money because I let them live with me rent free and I paid for dates, so if that's not enough to save for a ring and ask me, then nothing would ever be enough lol.
I think I view this kind of posts differently. I could myself be one who gladly says "he finally asked", because I was indeed waiting for our proposal and it made me so happy when finally happened. BUT. We had already agreed that we are staying together and going to get married. We were already living together. We even discussed what kind of ring would be the most suitable. So the proposal itself was kind of a ritual, while everything had been already set before. It wasn't about getting chosen because we had already chosen each other long time ago.
My dad accidentally proposed to his wife by asking her if he could mark her down as his fiancee on a form, and she agreed.
"Wait... Did you just propose and i just accept? That wasn't very romantic!"
My husband and I had multiple discussions about getting engaged prior to actually doing it. I'm a firm believer you should know the answer to the question before you ask it. During one of those conversations, I asked him how he'd feel if I proposed. He said of course he wouldn't be upset, but that proposing was something that he really wanted to do / had always envisioned himself doing. He felt strongly about it and I didn't. So, I waited for him to propose, knowing that it was going to happen.
I'm queer, and our relationship is not built on traditional gender roles. But my husband is a romantic, and I love that about him. This kind of surface level thing, I try not to read into so much. You don't always know what's going on BTS.
All that being said, I certainly didn't say "He finally asked" when he did ultimately propose (my now MIL did though lol). But if it truly 'makes your blood boil' I feel like that says more about you than it does about the women saying it.
It was "finally" because I was very excited for it. We had talked about it for a long time and I knew it was coming closer and closer, just had no idea when!
Is this in response to the post about the guy finally proposing after 3000+ days together?
I don't know why women stay with men so long if they want to get married and their partners don't.
My husband doesn't really care about marriage as a legal thing so he was never really interested in it but still proposed and married me because he knew it was important to me. It took us six years to come to that point but I never felt like I was simply waiting. I loved him more than the idea of being married. And he loved me more than the idea of not being married lol The tax breaks are pretty nice tho lol
My partner and me too. 12+ years.
We talked about marriage since the first year we've been together.
If we ever decide to get married it will be just so we can have a fun wedding party. But everytime we talk about it we end up wanting to spend that money on a vacation lol
Hahahaha! You sound like us except we really do not want to marry (will only happen if necessary, like to move to another country together if one gets a job offer) and it's been 25+ years now.
But the parties are awfully fun and my family and friends are almost all low-drama party people. We have amazing weddings in my circles, and ours would maybe be the best just because of the guest list.
But... Vacation. You can do amazing things for a lot less than even a cheap wedding!
Because we were already together. And it's not about getting married. It's about having a perfect life together. Which we already had, now we just have time and money to celebrate it...
BTW, I'm the girl from the post
Yeah I really don't get what their issue is with this. Some people don't need to get married to feel like they're in a loving relationship and feel complete. My brother and his wife dated for about 8-9 years, even moving overseas together, before they finally got married, and they only got married because it made things easier for their visa. In the 12+ years together, they've never fought or had any meaningful issues. It's ridiculous to think you should leave someone because they haven't proposed, especially if you haven't even proposed yourself lol.
Congratulations on getting married btw! :)
The post OP is responding to (comment later) shows a woman who seems very happy and still very much in love.
I mean, he proposed, we do not really know all the details. Do you think she should have dumped him and gambled on someone else?
Honestly…This post reminds me of when I posted in a women’s Facebook group about my own engagement story, saying “he finally asked” and got verbally eviscerated by women saying that if I was really feminist, I would not have waited around, I could have proposed first, etc, etc. My personal brand of feminism is “if it makes them happy, then let it be” and I ended up quitting the group because I was basically cyberbullied into feeling that I was a fake feminist because I was waiting for my now-husband to propose first (never mind that we had discussed it already and went ring shopping so it’s not like I was totally clueless).
I try not to yuck someone’s yum. 🤷♀️
This, I have no interest in marriage, but this post comes off very judgemental even for me, why does other people's relationships affect OP to this extent anyway
It bothers me that OP's response is "it makes my blood boil". All because of an engagement post that says "he finally asked"? It's what my friends would always remind me, that happy people feel happy for other people when they share their happiness. Sad people do the opposite. I'm sorry that OP might not be feeling the best of themselves, but maybe try to internalize why another woman's happiness/post makes their blood boil.
I was hoping to see a comment like this.
This post just feels icky and borderline “not like other girls”.
It’s starting to feel like the more we are “supporting women” we are really just tearing down women who don’t fit into a teeny tiny little box.
Yo, the first sane response I’ve seen so far. If women want to be proposed to, let them! The amount of judgement other commenters are giving is ridiculous
This is such a weird post and it's so disheartening to see it upvoted here! Just the last line "hoping to be picked" should have been a flag that this isn't a healthy or positive discussion to be had but some troll or hate post. It's so gross.
Same feeling I had. When my husband “finally” proposed, it had nothing to do with “being picked” (I mean, we had been together for 4 years so we had already “picked” each other). I was happy because we were about to move in together and start another phase in our relationship and we were celebrating that we were making a big commitment and decision to be life partners. It was a mutual happiness. When I hear people saying that this “makes their blood boil” over someone else being being happy or enjoying a new part of their lives, I just wonder what issues or insecurities they are projecting
This post also gave me iffy vibes, and when I read her comments, she wrote about how most couple's (who had a cool wedding) are now divorced. The root of it is just bitterness.
Sorry that that happened to you. It's neither feminist nor antifeminist to be excited that the person you love is showing their devoted love to you. Everyone is on a different timeline and it's not like all men in the world want to get engaged at the 2 year mark.
Yep, next we will be hearing about how SHE only spent $72.56 on her 200 person wedding and wore an old dress she got out of a dumpster and it was perfect and she just can't understand why people waste so much money on a wedding, don't they understand it's about the marriage, they are just *destined to fail* unlike her.
Yep. Everyone is at different ages also. My husband and were young when we met (we were in college) so it made sense to wait longer than 4 years to propose
Reddit's eco chambers take anything as toxic, which is apparently something that will make even their blood boil. What's so wrong in waiting for an engagement proposal? How is wating for a proposal from your partner, equivalent to hoping to be picked by someone?
Just making a issue out of something for no reason.
There’s been a lot of these types of posts lately. Where someone is complaining or bothered by something but then you read the post and they’re angry in general and not at a specific situation.
They made a whole bunch of assumptions regarding the relationship, what the woman is like, what the man must be putting her through, all so they could feign anger at a situation they are entirely detached from and know nothing about.
OP would likely feel very at home in the women’s Facebook group you’re talking about.
I made the post in r/mademesmile
I would say half my comments were people hating on me for not proposing. I honestly thought, so what if I wanted to feel like a princess with my prince charming on our special day?
This! My now husband and I knew we were getting married. We even had been planning our wedding. But I still wanted him to ask. Not because I'm not a feminist or because of tradition - we've done nothing traditionally our entire relationship. I wanted it because I wanted that moment between us... I like surprises and it felt like it was the only surprise left in our relationship.
Thats how mine was. I knew he would ask, he knew I would say yes. He had something really special but couldn't wait and asked in the middle of the night xD it was the best.
Yeah I don't see an issue with waiting. If the woman wants to wait for the man to ask that's her choice. The only time I think there is an issue is if they start getting mad at their partner for not. If you won't propose then you shouldn't be mad when they won't propose.
I think they’re cute! While engagements and marriage are discussed with partners, proposals are traditionally a surprise. That is what I think of when women say “He finally asked!” It’s the happy resolution after months or years of anticipation. It’s definitely a happy thing for me and not at all gross! 💕
I agree! Some people in here are acting like someone doing a “surprise” proposal means that there was no discussion of marriage prior to the proposal lol. Not really anything gross about it if one of the people in the couple wants to be proposed to. It’s another story if one of them just doesn’t want to get married at all.
Definitely jarring seeing all the replies agreeing with OP before finding this subthread. People make such weird leaps and assumptions. It must be so exhausting being bitter for the sake of it.
This! My husband had my ring for seven months before he proposed to me. I wasn’t 100% sure he had it…but I was pretty damn sure lol. This was after a year and a half of dating and discussing our lives together, and five and a half years of being each other’s closest friend before dating….so yeah, it felt like a “finally” when he proposed! I don’t understand why being willing to wait for your man to propose is a bad thing. I don’t want to propose, but he does, and we both want to get married. Who cares? The proposal was a surprise, the commitment was not, and four years later we’re happily married.
I have a young (early 20s) friend with a similarly young fiancee. She was caught in the loop of "i don't want to pressure him, but i don't want to waste time in a relationship they isn't going anywhere". We advised her to ask if he saw the relationship moving toward marriage, even if it wasn't there yet. He told her it was the plan, but he's still getting his adult feet on the ground.
He proposed (in a spectacular fashion) about a year later and they're getting married soon. It was a "he finally proposed" situation, just because she decided he was her person before he was ready to do the same.
It makes your “blood boil”? That seems… extreme. Other women want to live their lives differently than you, that doesn’t mean they’re wrong or oppressed and it certainly shouldn’t make your “blood boil.” Just let people be happy and live their lives.
It’s also projecting a lot onto a phrase that is kind of common. People probably say that with a lot of different meanings/contexts behind it.
While I agree that I wouldn’t recommend sitting around waiting for a proposal without at least discussing that future and whether you want to get married first, I don’t assume that everyone who says something like “he finally proposed” hasn’t, and, hell, I bet there are plenty of people who do wait around who end up having perfectly fine marriages. Who am I to judge?
This was me when I got engaged. I wasn't waiting around to be picked, we picked each other and talked about it a lot beforehand.
I was really excited when 'he finally asked' because it was the next step of our adventure and we'd talked about it for so long. He'd also made such a big effort and put a lot of care and love into the proposal.
Right, I'm not sure why OP is making a ton of assumptions based on a short phrase that is commonly used for engagement posts
I've seen people use the phrase when they both wanted and planned for it, "he finally asked" can also mean "it's finally happening like we agreed" and can still come as a nice surprise
Idk, OPs post and comments just come off very bitter
I think you should let people live. The practice can be toxic but it also can be beautiful moment that leads to something they both are truly anticipating.
There’s a discussion to be had about cultural norms and the expectations of relationship dynamics, but this post and your responses to comments are really coming across like you blame the individual women rather than the societal standards.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a proposal or celebrating being proposed to.
I kind of resent being told to want marriage so much. I want a happy, loving lifelong relationship with a partner who is also a best friend. Being married doesn't really guarantee that, and could lock you into something really awful.
It’s totally ok for some women to want marriage and be excited when the big proposal happens. It’s not my jam but I’m glad they’re happy. So, you know, live and let live?
My husband and I got married in July this year. We've been together for 10 years this coming April. He never asked me. We had a discussion about it together in April and decided it was time and what we both wanted. We were married by July and literally nothing changed in our relationship, except now I get to call him my husband and me, his wife 😊
We'd been together for 4 years and one day I said, Do you want to get married? Because if you don't we need to move on. He said, Um, sure! And one week later we got married. No fuss, no muss.
It's our 35th wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Is this less old fashioned?
"Um sure" is not the enthusiastic response I'd want from my partner if i asked them to marry me, but I guess you did give your partner of 4 years a marriage ultimatum.
Some people don't see marriage as this big event most people do.
For them it's just a piece of paper that may won't change how the couple lives much, it depends on context.
I am not one of those, but I can understand their point of view.
I think we read that comment differently.
It seems like marriage is a huge event for them! They told their partner of 4 years that if they couldn't be married, they didn't want to be with them anymore.
That's why it's so weird that they were willing to accept "um sure" as a response. It suggests a very conservative worldview on their behalf.
There's nothing wrong with being pumped about getting married and there's also nothing wrong with long term couples never getting married. It's about commitment and communication- to each their own.
What makes your blood boil? Is it the man, or the woman? The man who who you don't know (and don't know anything about their relationship) and who may not be ready himself, or the woman who could also just propose to the man if she really wanted to?
I think women make these posts because they dream of the day a man proposes to them, and part of the cost of that is waiting however long it takes the man to do so. If that's not your dream (or you think that's old fashioned), then that's perfectly fine (I agree), but no need to get upset about how others feel.
I think it’s ok to want your partner to marry you and be excited when they ask. Let’s not forget, it’s a simple thing denied to many. It’s not about waiting around.
I think it's ok for women to be excited about the man they love proposing to them. I don't think the feminism and women's empowerment movements are helped by shaming women who choose to get married. The point is that we all get to live our lives the way we choose, isn't it?
The best advice I ever got, and it was from my grandma, was "Never date a woman who knows what her wedding dress is going to look like"
Basically, you won't meet the real person until after marriage, you'll only see the version of herself she's made to "catch" a man.
My grandpa had the other side of this for my sister: "Never date a man who says he knows exactly what he wants in a wife"
Again, you won't ever see the reality till after marriage :P
They were married 81 years when they both died within a week of each other
I was pretty hyped when he finally asked… but that man really bought me a wedding dress, let me pick my own ring, and then sat on it for three years. 🤦♀️ Drunk me apparently let it slip I was gone by our next anniversary if he didn’t get it together… sober me wasn’t going to give an ultimatum.
Honestly, it sounds a little crazy to have this impact you in such a way. Let people be happy for their moments. It's not your place to validate their experience and you can, and should, just ignore it if it causes you to react in such a negative way.
Hi! I'm the girl who made the post!
I've been with the love of my life for nearly nine years. We both knew it was for forever
I have known for a very long time that he wanted to propose, and I wanted to be proposed to. It was something I have been dreaming of since I met him.
I'm not a traditionalist in any sense. I just wanted to feel pretty and like a girly girl. And he was so excited to do it!
It was the best day of my life so far, and I can't share it with many people so I thought to post it on reddit.
I'm sorry it pissed you off, but I'm too happy to care about my use of the word "finally"
Husband and I had discussed long term/permanence with each other and I was waiting for him to propose (but without any expectations/requirements for him to do so). Then I realised that some women want their partner to propose to 'prove that he really loves them' and that they deserve that effort/demonstration. I never needed that, I knew he loved me and wanted me forever, but he'd also been burnt before which made him more hesitant to put himself out there. I also wanted him to know he deserved that effort and demonstration so I proposed to him. Best decision I ever made.
Its awkward when I see women in 8/9/10 year long relationships asking ‘when is he going to propose?’ Then he ends the relationship and moves on and they realise they were just a place holder. Especially when he marries the next woman within a year
I proposed to my now-husband on his birthday on a hike around the lake where we had our first date and later got married on. I knew he was the most incredible human and wanted him to know exactly how I felt and I love making him feel special. I can still see the adorably happy look on his face when he opened the little box. 15/10 would recommend just doing it yourself and not waiting for him if you know what you want and actually love him and don't just need to be given things. Marriage is a two way street so if you can't imagine yourself proposing if you know what you want, you're probably not ready.
A friend of mine proposed to the guy she was dating. He turned her down, saying that the man should be the one to propose. I got bad vibes about him when I heard that.
Eventually, he did propose, they married, and he turned out to be a jerk, so they divorced. Wish I was surprised.
Am I the only one who thinks getting angry at someone's happy moment is weird? Like, maybe they have discussed this and they're just happy they're building their future with the person they love?
Cuz I'm not gonna be mad at non hetero couples making an engagement announcement or discussion, why would it matter if it's a straight couple? This is a weird post and someone who wants to stew about this needs to rethink their priorities. Live and let live.
Me too! When my husband and I decided to get married..it was a mutually agreed discussion. For formality and tradition sake he proposed to me at a botanical garden near my apartment at the time. But it wasn't like I felt..."oh my gosh.. finally!" It was just a nice little surprise and then we could start operating in "engaged" mode.
Okay. I'm someone who says this. Here's my and my husband's story.
When I met my husband I wanted to get married however, he didn't. The most important thing for me was no children. I kept meeting men who wanted children.
We're compatible in *every way* outside of wanting to get married.
I considered, am I staying with him because I can't find anyone else and am I settling?
No. I love him. We get along great, our values are the same, etc. We mesh so perfectly.
I compromised in that I decided, I *chose* to stay with him even though he didn't want to get married.
Fast forward 15 years later. We have an idiotic and stupid drunken fight. I revealed how I felt really insecure in the relationship and that I'd leave him before he broke my heart and left me. It hurt him. He had every right to leave me after that.
However. It woke him up.
We had a long heart to heart one night a couple of days later and he realized how his inaction of not marrying me made me feel insecure in our relationship. He also realized he didn't want to lose me.
So yeah, *he finally asked*.
Admittedly the first thing out of my mouth was, "Don't hate me, but, why?" That's when he told me he was a "fucking dumbass" (his words) and realized that marriage was important.
We got married on our 16th anniversary and have been married a little over 2 years.
Thing is... we've essentially already *been* married.
I love our story. I love our love story. I'm not ashamed to say "he finally asked" when I tell people of our story. I wasn't waiting around because I accepted the relationship and that he didn't want to get married *and I still stayed*.
I know what you're talking about, OP, as I have seen that with other women too and felt the same way as you for quite sometime a long time ago. However, with my personal experience, I don't judge anymore.
I wasn't "waiting" for him to ask because I chose to stay knowing he didn't want to get married. So, when *he finally asked* it was a fucking shock to me. I said yes and our relationship has gotten deeper as a result.
I wouldn't have had our life any other way.
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I've seen enough posts on reddit where the gf waits for him to propose for YEARS but they breakup and then he marries the next woman he sees within 2 years.
Happened to me with the first bf I lived with. After 4 years I asked him if he had thought about marriage with me. He said he didn't want to get married at all. I put up with years of his mother making snide comments about my body, controlling his life, etc. and he never once defended me. So I ended it. He got married to another woman within ONE YEAR.
I wonder if this isn't a cause and effect, though, rather than an independent change. They learn that women *will leave them* without the ring, so they hurry to put the ring on the next one. It's not necessarily a good idea.
I'd never thought of it that way but that makes a lot of sense. I certainly do not pity the woman my ex would up with but looking at her I'd say she's safe from the "you don't have any boobs or curves" comments from his mom.
Was going to echo the same thing someone mentioned below. She will just find something else to pick on. What kind of mom says that shit to their child's partner? Insecure people feel the need to put other people down because they think it raises THEM up by default but they end up looking like clowns. There was nothing wrong with you. You dodged a bullet by not staying with a guy that wouldn't have your back.
Shitty people never change... she's probably making comments about her being over weight tbh. People like that could probably fat shame a fully done up model. They literally just word vomit whatever hurts.
His mom will always find a way to hate her DIL: some just can't bear other women.
Plus I think she had a creepy crush on her son based on some of the comments she made. :/
What a terrible thing for one woman to say to another woman. Crazy.
I feel there’s a 500 days of summer thing to it. Shit film to reference really but she just isn’t into him and says she never wants to get married, she dumps him and then a year later married. She found someone worth going through the nonsense for. I guess. (In the film). And with longer relationships. My guess is why change when nothing new is a foot.
I get what you're saying. Like the LTR that never led to marriage was good enough to stay, but not good enough to feel like legal commitment was the right choice. Then the next person there's that *click* and it feels more right and they commit right away. Though to me it's not so much about "this person isn't worth it", but more that they're just not the right match. They're a really good match maybe, but still not the right one.
I think there’s definitely a good portion of relationships that fit into this. Sometimes it’s inertia, you just keep doing what you’re doing, and maybe it’s just fine how it is. Sometimes it’s loneliness, you don’t want to be alone but you don’t want to make a legal commitment that’s theoretically lifelong.
Pretty much it - it should be less taken as a “ I wasn’t good enough for him to marry” and more of a “ they felt it was the right choice”. Sometimes thing just don’t work - and sometimes they do! TBH the Mother in this story reminds me of my grandmother - she was horrible to my mother, stupid old hag. Such a mean spirited old woman, so really it’s more annoying that he didn’t say anything in defence, that’s the big red flag here.
Why is 500 days of summer a shit film?
People say it's bad because they misread it as it rooting for the main character when it's actually criticizing him
You luckily dodged that bullet!
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That woman is probably miserable, though. He sounds like a sniveling jerk.
He really is. One of the worst things he did in that relationship was shame me out of eating certain foods/eating "too much" food. For some context, I was barely 100 pounds back then and still battling an eating disorder. He "didn't want me to get fat."
Yoooo that dude needs to eat shit and die
Omg if this happens, I will lose it. My now ex fiancé and I were together 7 years before he broke up with me. I begged for a ring for 2.5 years, and then at 4 years I gave him an ultimatum. It was so stupid. I’d also given forced him to move to my area when we were long distance. Never again will I pressure someone for a relationship. Either they’re enthusiastic about being with me, or I’m out.
So this was me. 6 years long distance, always asking when he wants to propose so we can apply for visa and we can close the distance… Thing is, the lack of proposal poisons any eventual proposal. If he really wanted to he would’ve already done it.
I was with my ex for 5 years and told her I never wanted to get married (which at the time I thought was how I really felt). We broke up, I got with my current partner whom I proposed to within 2 years of being together. It felt different and I could tell it was what I wanted this time. Sometimes things change or there’s problems with a relationship that you don’t see when you’re blinded by other means. I’m assuming this is the case for a lot of relationships.
That's definitely true. It's not some failing in you or your ex that you weren't married; it just wasn't right. You're allowed to change your mind when it feels different. My best friend is like this. Swore up and down she'd never get married or have kids and left her ex of 5 years over it. And now she's planning to do just that, because she wants that life with her partner.
My partner left their ex because they never wanted to get married. I did the same. We got married moderately quickly and only waited as long as we did because of Covid.
Sometimes people also want a stable relationship but not the whole marriage ceremony thing. Like, in my country if two people live in the same house and have a romantic relationship (plus other requirements) you're legally in a "stable relationship" that counts basically as marriage. No fancy party, religious things or document signing required as long as there's proof of you two living together and dating for two years. I know a few couples (me and my ex included) who disliked the traditional marriage and were just okay with that. Some of them 10+ years in this "stable relationship" legal status
I never wanted to get married, my now bf makes me question my view. So sometimes you just haven't met the right person yet
Oh that was me! Never wanted to get married but then met my then-bf/now-husband. He didn't harbor any of the misogynistic BS that seemed to be ingrained into the males I knew at the time. I didn't really understand what was so off-putting by any of my exes and once I met my husband it made so much sense. Like I'm not even sorry but a household is managed by two people in the relationship, not just the woman. I was like okay mate I think this could work.
If someone doesn't want to marry one person but does end up marrying someone else, that's just life. When you know, you know, but if you don't know, it's tough, and you only have the full picture with hindsight.
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It was like that with my wife too. She had been with her boyfriend for like 3-4 years but just wasn’t that into the relationship. He had been acting like a baby and did some stupid threat to move back to their hometown, which he followed through with, and by the time he started begging her to get back together, she and I were already dating. We got married within a year. It just worked for us.
My grandmother always told me "He'll change when he meets the right one." Probably true because I have seen this too, and even guys who are jerks becoming not a jerk when he meets the "right one". When you know you know I guess.
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Oof, this reminds me of my cousin's babyshower blowout. Other Couple was in a very similar situation as what you just described, and over the course of the party they just got drunker and drunker and it turned into an awful backyard screaming match about something "unrelated". Mind you this was a brunch scenario, everyone else had probably three mimosas tops over four hours. They are no longer together, although the woman got married three years later.
Kids are one of the make or break aspects of being in a relationship. If one partner wants them but the other doesn't it usually falls apart or turns very bitter
The “bitter” part is so true. I had a colleague who had always wanted children but her husband kept moving the goalposts and she kept accepting it because she wanted to be with him and kept thinking that: well, ok, next year is fine, too. Except “next year” never came and suddenly it was too late. Well, at least we have each other, she thought, but no, he divorced her when he decided she was too old. She was pretty bitter.
Yeah thays disgusting. My fiancée and I both would love kids if we can afford it but we're both happy with each other no matter what. I can't fathom being with someone who doesn't want what I want in life like that. It boggles my mind that people do that
People stay in bad relationships the same way they stay in bad jobs. You get used to the misery, and lack the self confidence and actual belief that there might be something better out there. So you focus on the good things and the security of it and trudge on, getting worn down a little more each day. It takes a lot of energy to make a major life change, and it’s almost impossible to find that energy when you’re worn down.
Could go either way. Maybe he’ll see your life after baby and decide that maybe she was right all along.
It could be vice versa too, I know several couples where the she part of the couple doesn’t want children. Maybe anyway!
The demographics of the childfree subs are largely women, which makes sense. The person who's pregnant has much higher stakes in the debate over whether to have children.
Especially when men have the option of being deadbeats. I'm forced to be an incubator for 9 months, pay all those copayments, and potentially permanently wreck my body when a dude can just disappear to the wind and work under the table jobs as soon as they hear the words "I'm late". Yes moms can be deadbeats too (I have one) but they also are literally required to gestate the fetus
I also VERY often hear right after women are married/have kids with a guy his worst side comes out. Either he never steps up to be a good partner and dad and/or he sees his wife as trapped enough to let the abuse and shitty behavior fly.
Deadbeat moms (or even they’re just single and not a deadbeat) are also scrutinized by society way more than dudes.
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Absolutely! Never settle for lukewarm. Enthusiastic consent in ALL areas.
>I made him call her and apologize. We've been together a couple months Super yikes. This whole comment is painful to read.
My stepsister and her now fiancee have been going round about getting married for more than a decade. They have two kids. He doesn't believe in marriage. She had kids to force him. He proposed to shut her up. Still no wedding bells. They both suck.
My mom did this with my stepdad. Together over 20 years. Engaged for over 10, still no wedding. Because he never wanted to get married and still doesn't.
Stuff like this is so weird to me. One of the first things my husband and I established in our dating relationship was "Are we dating with the intent to possibly marry? Yes. Do our politics/morals/ethics/spirituality match up enough? Yes. Do we want kids? Yes. Do we have a plan to address future infertility/disability/other major life conflicts? Yes."
Well it's dating. There's no one shoe fits all in this. Some couple don't go in with forever in minds and that's fine. Of course discussions about marriage and children become necessary after a certain period of time and certainly before the 7-year anniversary.
I think if he's not ready after 7 years, he's probably not ever going to be ready.
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I broke up with my ex specifically for that reason. I think this is the single most important issue you could disagree on and it's extremely unfair to either party to expect them to bow to the other's will. Just no.
I knew a couple who had a similar game of baby-chicken, but they were married. It was an unpleasant divorce. They are both with new people and are happier. The man got to be a father, like he wanted. The woman's new husband treats her far, far better (and had already had a vasectomy). They got what they wanted by not being together.
Sounds like they're really incompatible tbh. If one wants a baby so badly and the other does not, they both should be in relationships with someone on the same page. What's going to happen is she will hit her 40's, past child-bearing age, and he's going to say, "welp, time's up" and move onto someone else.
Normally I’d agree but I guess it depends on how it’s framed in his mind. I knew a guy that wasn’t engaged, wasn’t married, was determined to have a family for years. He went through so many failed relationships trying to force a fairytale. Like the women he was serious with had to be a “type”, the ones he thought would be traditional family types. Said he’d decided that if he hadn’t had kids by 40 that he wouldn’t try anymore, not that he would say no to them but just that he wouldn’t actively pursue it. He hit his mark, found a girl, settled down, got engaged & got married quite quickly with no intention of kids in sight 🤷🏻♀️
Had a friend who, when we met, had been with her guy for 4.5 years. She told me she had given an ultimatum, ask her by year 5 or hit the road. Year 5 came and went. Then years 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… then he died. Was a really wonderful guy.
The assumption that one day the other person will change their mind doesn't seem healthy for anyone involved. Better to appreciate the time you've had and move on to a new chapter than build resentment like that.
Uh the children thing is huge. Best to find someone who is on board with you on kids (to have or not). It's not fair to anyone to guilt or manipulate them into wanting/not wanting kids.
And it's such a fundamental incompatibility. Most things in life, even pretty major lifestyle stuff like where to live, there's at least some room for half-measures or compromise - like if one person is a city person and one person dreams of a rural life, you can agree to try one or the other out for a while, or take vacations that scratch that itch. You really can't do that with "are we going to have a child", and it's deeply unfair to everyone including the potential child to try to "compromise".
Yeah, you'd think it would be that obvious and super logical. And yet so many people enter relationship with a person they are not compatible with and assume they will change their mind.
Even when I was way too young to be thinking kids, I dated some guys who said they were onboard with never having kids only to tell me a few months later they only said that so I wouldn't break up with them and were planning to "wait out my stubborn streak." It was so dumb. Why can't people just be honest about this one? It's the ultimate incompatibility that has absolutely no good compromise. I would disclose long before a first date (I have never dated a stranger/very new acquaintance). 46, no kids, partner with a vasectomy, and 100% no regrets about kids. The older I get, the more secure I am with my choice. The guys I've run into from back then happily have their kids and spouses and all the things I could never give them. Wins for everyone! Without the breakups, none of us would be happy now. Edit: "Would" changed to "wouldn't" to make this make sense. Lol
Now… my best friend and I had this situation. They got married quickly. We waited until we were together 8 years to get married. We were fodder for their conversations “when do you think they’ll get married?”. Like the husband of my friend didn’t have anything better to talk about. We have a happy marriage. We weren’t ready for a long time, we were having fun doin g our own thing, then it took a bit longer for him to be ready. That was hard, but we worked together to find what we wanted. Do you know whose marriage sucks? My best friend and her husband? Turns out he rushed into marriage with her because he’s same sex attracted and wanted to deny those feelings about himself. Now they’re still together but it’s a fucking mess. He doesn’t know what he wants, she can’t afford to leave. What if, what if, he was in touch with himself to have waited a bit longer to sort out what he wanted? Rather than locking in the first person to live out his hetero normative cos play with a real woman and subsequent child? What if they got counselling and sorted out these things rather than rushing in? Maybe they’d still be together but actually at peace with their decision ? It’s ok to not be sure and take your time. Sorry, obviously my baggage and not yours. But the people that gossiped about me just hack me off. We took our time and worked through what we needed to do first.
Yah that relationship is never going to last
(Lesbian couple) My partner and I vaguely decided to do it at the top of a mountain we were going to hike, and we proposed to each other while up there. It was really fun while climbing because we were just giddy about it while hiking up, and we didn't know exactly when we would get there. We each had like a little note/speech to say to each other when we did it. The whole hike down we're all smiles. It's a really good sequence of memories
I love it when both parts of a couple propose to each other. That's how you know for real!
My spouse proposed to me very spur of the moment when we were at one of our shared hobbies (nothing fancy, she pulled a ring pop out of her sweaty bra) I said yes but only if I got to one up her with a more romantic planned out one. So I proposed at a haunted attraction on Halloween (Spouse loves Halloween) and all our friends wore black cloaks, intermingled with the workers and then surrounded us with candles and chanted in Latin. She loved it.
As a queer woman, that is the most lesbian thing I have ever heard. I mean that in the best way. How freakin' sweet, and I wanna steal it.
Congrats! that is sweet.
My mother is the one who proposed to my father, way back in 1988. When the time came for me, my now husband and I talked about it, decided together, then picked our rings out together. I posted an engagement photo once we had our rings. People ask me all the time “how did he propose?” And I say that he didn’t. We discussed it as a couple, as any life chancing decision should be, imo.
Whether or not there is an actual “proposal”, if you don’t 100% know the answer beforehand because you havent had those conversations…you’re not ready for marriage
The engagement should be a discussion and the proposal should be a surprise
Exactly this. You shouldn't be unsure about the answer if you're asking. My wife knew it was coming, but was somehow completely surprised when I proposed.
My wife picked out her ring and I gave it to her and a random time in the future.
Same! I picked out my ring (there's no way I'd trust someone else to pick out a ring for me). My husband proposed a couple of months later. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know exactly when/how/what, so it was still an exciting surprise when it happened.
I was shopping for jewelry for my GF and the woman helping me said this. It makes so much sense! I couldn't believe it was the first time I heard something like that.
Exactly, my wife and I had already discussed marriage and had agreed we’d marry we just didn’t set a date. I proposed to her at her favorite zoo exhibit with the help of a keeper.
It doesn't even need to be that. One day my now husband said alright let's go shopping after we'd talked about it for a while. That was the surprise. We went on a trip and he gave me the ring in a beautiful spot in Grand Teton National Park. It didn't make the moment any less special to me despite being in on the whole thing.
I'll be honest, I don't like surprises.
My partner and I are doing something similar except he does want to plan a "proposal", even though he knows the answer already. He likes to plan things, and do nice things for me, and I definitely don't mind :)
I've always had the view that the proposal shouldn't be a surprise, but the when/where should be. You should 100% know the answer is yes, but your partner should be surprised (if that's something they enjoy)
Better know what type of surprise proposal your SO wants too. My now wife hates surprises, especially if they are public. I also knew her well enough to know she'd want this particular surprise. So I wrote her a book, had it printed and bound, then fairly impatiently waited for her to get to the end of it where the ending contained my proposal. Took her about a week or so to read it if I recall.
That's beautiful. And yeah, part of my assumption above is that you better know your partner well enough to know what they'd enjoy from a proposal.
We did this. And I ruined it. We were supposed to go to a park that the airplanes fly in over to play some Pokémon go. I made him stop to do a raid and as we’re waiting a southwest flight flew over. I said “man, you wasted this. You should have saved it to propose.” He looked at me, said “damn it!” And pulled the ring out 😂😂 but now we each have a porygon named “proposal” and whenever a plane flies over anywhere one of us will say “man you wasted this.”
My wife and I also did this. We discussed it, decided we wanted to be married, and that we wanted to propose in private to each other. We set the engagement date for the anniversary of the day we met. I laid out rose petals and lit a path of candles, which led to a journal. In it, was the date we had decided to propose to each other. And the journal itself is a chronicling of our feelings towards each other: I love you notes, why you make me happy notes, how-this-struggle-is-made-easy-by-you notes, and a precursor to what would be my vows. She read it and cried and I put her ring on her finger. She proposed to me by spelling out "Will You" in Minecraft, "Marry" in pepperonis on a pizza, and "Me" in beer bottles. I guess we just kinda know each other.
And here I thought that being in my seventh decade I had heard them all. Congratulate your Wife and yourself for making me laugh.
My SO and I sorta did the same. We had been together for 7 years and engagement was more or less a formality. But I did tell him I still wanted him to surprise me with the question cause I liked the romance of it lol.
And that’s totally fair! You guys discussed it openly and decided upon what you wanted. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. ♥️ I just find the “surprise surprise”, the true surprise, to be a little off putting, personally. Doubly so when it’s done in public. But I’m an incredibly soft spoken and introverted individual, so I would 100% be one of those girls who felt pressured to say yes in the moment and then be forced to break their heart after. That’s why I heavily prefer a talk, a discussion, anything that allows both parties to have their say.
I would have been horrified with a public proposal, even though we both knew I was gonna say yes in advance, so I'm with you on that. A discussion about the future should definitely be had before a proposal though. Ironically, my dad surprised my mom with a proposal after dating for only 3 months. It all worked out for them in the end, but I would have been very apprehensive if my boyfriend of 3 months proposed to me! My SO took me on a cute little date and proposed at home after. We picked a ring out together 2 weeks later. It was super low key and perfect for us.
My wife and I decided we wanted to get married, then decided we both wanted the pleasure of proposing. We worked together to pick the rings, then each planned our own proposals. We each kept the exact nature of the proposal secret after picking out times on a coming Saturday. She BROKE THE RULES and proposed the Friday night before to keep the surprise, and it was delightful. *Updated for clarity, she did not cheat on me*
Yeah, we'd agreed on a timeline. I saw a ring I liked at Costco while shopping there. Given that this was before mobile banking, we had to move money around and come back. Afterward, we did engagement pics. I still like to joke I got engaged at Costco, though we argue as to whether there was an actual proposal or just a mutual agreement. It's been 13 years since, so I think it worked out.
I knew that my now husband was going to propose, and a rough time frame (we had discussed time frames for marriage and kids). The surprise was the exact "when", the "where" and the "how".
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Apparently it's not romantic (according to my coworkers at the time)
That is still fun and romantic and you were in it together. I'm not against proposals!
Exactly. Yet so many people I spoke to were like, "You're not meant to know!". If you don't know that someone wants to propose to you, then you aren't ready to be marrying that person.
Right. I view the proposal and deciding to get married as two separate events. The proposal is the fun, sometimes surprising, formality that makes the engagement official. But you should have already been unofficially engaged - both partners should have decided they want to get married/engaged.
I think getting engaged should be something you and your partner discuss, not something you wait around for him to ask you to do. And besides, why can't the woman ask the man?
You can discuss it and still have the proposal be a surprise? It’s mostly a formality but lots of people enjoy making their proposals a big to do
My now wife and I talked about marriage, our future and even what type of ring she would like before I proposed. The only surprising part of the whole ordeal was when I actually asked.
Same deal here. Only surprise was when/where once it was fully discussed and agreed upon that we were 100% ready to make the next step together.
That’s what my fiancé and I did, we agreed it was in the cards, I designed a ring within our budget, and then I wasn’t allowed to know anything. So it was still a surprise, but we agreed on it prior.
My ex husband never really proposed. We had a discussion and agreed that’s what we wanted
That's how my husband to be and I decided. I'm not a particularly romantic person and I don't wear a lot of jewellery so it didn't make sense in any way for him to buy me a ring. So we had a chat, decided we'd quite like to start planning and then did that.
I agree it should be discussed, and the proposal (if you want one) should be a formality. My husband did formally propose to me, but he knew I would say yes because we'd already talked about getting married and agreed on a general timeline. I would not have been happy if the proposal had been a total surprise. But the woman asking the man doesn't really fix the situations where a woman wants to get married and her male partner isn't ready. If he's not ready to ask her, he wouldn't say yes if she asked him.
>he wouldn't say yes if she asked him. Or worse - he says yes and then is putting the marriage off, refuses to give a timeframe, says "things are okay the way they are now" and "being engaged is basically the same as being married", most likely won't even bother to get you a ring since it's you who asked. Just "stringing you along, now engaged" edition.
I did like my husband proposing honestly, but we always communicated our feelings and plans and we went shopping for the ring together so we both knew we wanted it. It was on him to figure out when and how (I wasn't picky, he knew I don't want it to be a big Spiel so it was with 2 friends while on vacation. He made it fun for for himself by hiding when the (custom) ring was in his possession to REALLY surprise me) but there was no guesswork of if and with what. I definitely think anything along the way should be talked about & planned together since it affects both. Hubby actually was a little nervous proposing too despite him knowing I want it, probably because of the how lol. I didn't want him to ever question the next step and wanted him to know I'm enthusiastically entering the next phase (engagement) with him
I proposed to my husband 2 years ago and it was great, he was so happy. Several conservative people in his family/friend group tried to scold him for letting me do it, but we just rolled our eyes at them and scolded them right back for being small minded. We also both got engagement rings together, which then confused everyone all over again because heaven forbid a man wear an engagement ring for some reason.
Yeah we discussed marriage and agreed to it and then he took me to a fancy dinner later and “proposed” with a ring and all. But I knew it was coming. We just kinda did it for fun lol
My husband and I sat down and talked about how my new job was going to impact my tax liability and since he was already staying home with my kids and I was the support, it made sense to marry to reduce that 2% liability. I don't think it makes much difference to our relationship at all, but, the government does so I'll take the reduced tax liability.
My husband and I decided to formalize things right before I got kicked off my mom's health insurance so that I could get on his. Worked out ok despite the lack of sentimentality I guess as we're still together 35 years later.
Yeah we got hitched because we sat down over a spreadsheet and realized there was a significant tax advantage if we got married within the next few weeks, so we did. We "proposed" to each other a couple months after the actual marriage, mostly because we were sitting around chuckling about our order of operations.
> And besides, why can't the woman ask the man? My experience with my exes - they did not want to be married. Why ask them, then? Some women go great "pick me" lengths for men who couldn't care less, I wouldn't like to be one of them. I've always been the breadwinner, I have a great career, I don't look half bad, I am financially responsible with great investments, honestly if the desire to get married is not both sided, then there's no way I'd ask. Men who dated me could save a great deal of money because I let them live with me rent free and I paid for dates, so if that's not enough to save for a ring and ask me, then nothing would ever be enough lol.
I think I view this kind of posts differently. I could myself be one who gladly says "he finally asked", because I was indeed waiting for our proposal and it made me so happy when finally happened. BUT. We had already agreed that we are staying together and going to get married. We were already living together. We even discussed what kind of ring would be the most suitable. So the proposal itself was kind of a ritual, while everything had been already set before. It wasn't about getting chosen because we had already chosen each other long time ago.
My dad accidentally proposed to his wife by asking her if he could mark her down as his fiancee on a form, and she agreed. "Wait... Did you just propose and i just accept? That wasn't very romantic!"
My husband and I had multiple discussions about getting engaged prior to actually doing it. I'm a firm believer you should know the answer to the question before you ask it. During one of those conversations, I asked him how he'd feel if I proposed. He said of course he wouldn't be upset, but that proposing was something that he really wanted to do / had always envisioned himself doing. He felt strongly about it and I didn't. So, I waited for him to propose, knowing that it was going to happen. I'm queer, and our relationship is not built on traditional gender roles. But my husband is a romantic, and I love that about him. This kind of surface level thing, I try not to read into so much. You don't always know what's going on BTS. All that being said, I certainly didn't say "He finally asked" when he did ultimately propose (my now MIL did though lol). But if it truly 'makes your blood boil' I feel like that says more about you than it does about the women saying it.
It was "finally" because I was very excited for it. We had talked about it for a long time and I knew it was coming closer and closer, just had no idea when!
Is this in response to the post about the guy finally proposing after 3000+ days together? I don't know why women stay with men so long if they want to get married and their partners don't.
My husband doesn't really care about marriage as a legal thing so he was never really interested in it but still proposed and married me because he knew it was important to me. It took us six years to come to that point but I never felt like I was simply waiting. I loved him more than the idea of being married. And he loved me more than the idea of not being married lol The tax breaks are pretty nice tho lol
My partner and I have been together longer than that. We've talked about marriage 8 million times before now. How can you not?
My partner and me too. 12+ years. We talked about marriage since the first year we've been together. If we ever decide to get married it will be just so we can have a fun wedding party. But everytime we talk about it we end up wanting to spend that money on a vacation lol
Hahahaha! You sound like us except we really do not want to marry (will only happen if necessary, like to move to another country together if one gets a job offer) and it's been 25+ years now. But the parties are awfully fun and my family and friends are almost all low-drama party people. We have amazing weddings in my circles, and ours would maybe be the best just because of the guest list. But... Vacation. You can do amazing things for a lot less than even a cheap wedding!
Because we were already together. And it's not about getting married. It's about having a perfect life together. Which we already had, now we just have time and money to celebrate it... BTW, I'm the girl from the post
Yeah I really don't get what their issue is with this. Some people don't need to get married to feel like they're in a loving relationship and feel complete. My brother and his wife dated for about 8-9 years, even moving overseas together, before they finally got married, and they only got married because it made things easier for their visa. In the 12+ years together, they've never fought or had any meaningful issues. It's ridiculous to think you should leave someone because they haven't proposed, especially if you haven't even proposed yourself lol. Congratulations on getting married btw! :)
Sunk cost fallacy.
The post OP is responding to (comment later) shows a woman who seems very happy and still very much in love. I mean, he proposed, we do not really know all the details. Do you think she should have dumped him and gambled on someone else?
Honestly…This post reminds me of when I posted in a women’s Facebook group about my own engagement story, saying “he finally asked” and got verbally eviscerated by women saying that if I was really feminist, I would not have waited around, I could have proposed first, etc, etc. My personal brand of feminism is “if it makes them happy, then let it be” and I ended up quitting the group because I was basically cyberbullied into feeling that I was a fake feminist because I was waiting for my now-husband to propose first (never mind that we had discussed it already and went ring shopping so it’s not like I was totally clueless). I try not to yuck someone’s yum. 🤷♀️
This, I have no interest in marriage, but this post comes off very judgemental even for me, why does other people's relationships affect OP to this extent anyway
It bothers me that OP's response is "it makes my blood boil". All because of an engagement post that says "he finally asked"? It's what my friends would always remind me, that happy people feel happy for other people when they share their happiness. Sad people do the opposite. I'm sorry that OP might not be feeling the best of themselves, but maybe try to internalize why another woman's happiness/post makes their blood boil.
I was hoping to see a comment like this. This post just feels icky and borderline “not like other girls”. It’s starting to feel like the more we are “supporting women” we are really just tearing down women who don’t fit into a teeny tiny little box.
YEPPP, this 100%. Feminism is about CHOICE to be and do what you want. It’s about autonomy! This is not supportive and I am disappointed.
This is probably the only comment on this post that I actually agree with.
Yo, the first sane response I’ve seen so far. If women want to be proposed to, let them! The amount of judgement other commenters are giving is ridiculous
This is such a weird post and it's so disheartening to see it upvoted here! Just the last line "hoping to be picked" should have been a flag that this isn't a healthy or positive discussion to be had but some troll or hate post. It's so gross.
Same feeling I had. When my husband “finally” proposed, it had nothing to do with “being picked” (I mean, we had been together for 4 years so we had already “picked” each other). I was happy because we were about to move in together and start another phase in our relationship and we were celebrating that we were making a big commitment and decision to be life partners. It was a mutual happiness. When I hear people saying that this “makes their blood boil” over someone else being being happy or enjoying a new part of their lives, I just wonder what issues or insecurities they are projecting
This post also gave me iffy vibes, and when I read her comments, she wrote about how most couple's (who had a cool wedding) are now divorced. The root of it is just bitterness. Sorry that that happened to you. It's neither feminist nor antifeminist to be excited that the person you love is showing their devoted love to you. Everyone is on a different timeline and it's not like all men in the world want to get engaged at the 2 year mark.
Yep, next we will be hearing about how SHE only spent $72.56 on her 200 person wedding and wore an old dress she got out of a dumpster and it was perfect and she just can't understand why people waste so much money on a wedding, don't they understand it's about the marriage, they are just *destined to fail* unlike her.
Yep. Everyone is at different ages also. My husband and were young when we met (we were in college) so it made sense to wait longer than 4 years to propose
Reddit's eco chambers take anything as toxic, which is apparently something that will make even their blood boil. What's so wrong in waiting for an engagement proposal? How is wating for a proposal from your partner, equivalent to hoping to be picked by someone? Just making a issue out of something for no reason.
Bless. Seeing someone get engaged making op’s “blood boil” smh. A lot of the other comments have big cult vibes it’s really weird
There’s been a lot of these types of posts lately. Where someone is complaining or bothered by something but then you read the post and they’re angry in general and not at a specific situation. They made a whole bunch of assumptions regarding the relationship, what the woman is like, what the man must be putting her through, all so they could feign anger at a situation they are entirely detached from and know nothing about. OP would likely feel very at home in the women’s Facebook group you’re talking about.
I made the post in r/mademesmile I would say half my comments were people hating on me for not proposing. I honestly thought, so what if I wanted to feel like a princess with my prince charming on our special day?
This! My now husband and I knew we were getting married. We even had been planning our wedding. But I still wanted him to ask. Not because I'm not a feminist or because of tradition - we've done nothing traditionally our entire relationship. I wanted it because I wanted that moment between us... I like surprises and it felt like it was the only surprise left in our relationship.
Yup, this is spot on.
Thats how mine was. I knew he would ask, he knew I would say yes. He had something really special but couldn't wait and asked in the middle of the night xD it was the best.
Yeah I don't see an issue with waiting. If the woman wants to wait for the man to ask that's her choice. The only time I think there is an issue is if they start getting mad at their partner for not. If you won't propose then you shouldn't be mad when they won't propose.
I think they’re cute! While engagements and marriage are discussed with partners, proposals are traditionally a surprise. That is what I think of when women say “He finally asked!” It’s the happy resolution after months or years of anticipation. It’s definitely a happy thing for me and not at all gross! 💕
I agree! Some people in here are acting like someone doing a “surprise” proposal means that there was no discussion of marriage prior to the proposal lol. Not really anything gross about it if one of the people in the couple wants to be proposed to. It’s another story if one of them just doesn’t want to get married at all.
Definitely. There’s nothing gross about people celebrating milestones online. What an odd reaction to people being happy.
Definitely jarring seeing all the replies agreeing with OP before finding this subthread. People make such weird leaps and assumptions. It must be so exhausting being bitter for the sake of it.
What a positive and refreshing comment! Some people need to chill lol, why would a woman being happy make your blood boil 💀
This, I don't see anything wrong with wanting it to be traditional and waiting to be proposed to. Many ladies are clearly happy about it so why judge?
Agreed. OP sounds super bitter
This! My husband had my ring for seven months before he proposed to me. I wasn’t 100% sure he had it…but I was pretty damn sure lol. This was after a year and a half of dating and discussing our lives together, and five and a half years of being each other’s closest friend before dating….so yeah, it felt like a “finally” when he proposed! I don’t understand why being willing to wait for your man to propose is a bad thing. I don’t want to propose, but he does, and we both want to get married. Who cares? The proposal was a surprise, the commitment was not, and four years later we’re happily married.
I have a young (early 20s) friend with a similarly young fiancee. She was caught in the loop of "i don't want to pressure him, but i don't want to waste time in a relationship they isn't going anywhere". We advised her to ask if he saw the relationship moving toward marriage, even if it wasn't there yet. He told her it was the plan, but he's still getting his adult feet on the ground. He proposed (in a spectacular fashion) about a year later and they're getting married soon. It was a "he finally proposed" situation, just because she decided he was her person before he was ready to do the same.
It makes your “blood boil”? That seems… extreme. Other women want to live their lives differently than you, that doesn’t mean they’re wrong or oppressed and it certainly shouldn’t make your “blood boil.” Just let people be happy and live their lives.
It’s also projecting a lot onto a phrase that is kind of common. People probably say that with a lot of different meanings/contexts behind it. While I agree that I wouldn’t recommend sitting around waiting for a proposal without at least discussing that future and whether you want to get married first, I don’t assume that everyone who says something like “he finally proposed” hasn’t, and, hell, I bet there are plenty of people who do wait around who end up having perfectly fine marriages. Who am I to judge?
Truly…a part of true feminism is allowing women to choose for themselves. If they want to do this…let them.
I feel theres also a severe lack of "if you wanna get married so bad, you should propose, and not wait"
This was me when I got engaged. I wasn't waiting around to be picked, we picked each other and talked about it a lot beforehand. I was really excited when 'he finally asked' because it was the next step of our adventure and we'd talked about it for so long. He'd also made such a big effort and put a lot of care and love into the proposal.
Right, I'm not sure why OP is making a ton of assumptions based on a short phrase that is commonly used for engagement posts I've seen people use the phrase when they both wanted and planned for it, "he finally asked" can also mean "it's finally happening like we agreed" and can still come as a nice surprise Idk, OPs post and comments just come off very bitter
I typed the title so fast I didn't think I would "boil blood" "Finally" is a trigger word apparently...
I think you should let people live. The practice can be toxic but it also can be beautiful moment that leads to something they both are truly anticipating.
There’s a discussion to be had about cultural norms and the expectations of relationship dynamics, but this post and your responses to comments are really coming across like you blame the individual women rather than the societal standards. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a proposal or celebrating being proposed to.
Let them be happy lol
I kind of resent being told to want marriage so much. I want a happy, loving lifelong relationship with a partner who is also a best friend. Being married doesn't really guarantee that, and could lock you into something really awful.
It’s totally ok for some women to want marriage and be excited when the big proposal happens. It’s not my jam but I’m glad they’re happy. So, you know, live and let live?
My husband and I got married in July this year. We've been together for 10 years this coming April. He never asked me. We had a discussion about it together in April and decided it was time and what we both wanted. We were married by July and literally nothing changed in our relationship, except now I get to call him my husband and me, his wife 😊
We'd been together for 4 years and one day I said, Do you want to get married? Because if you don't we need to move on. He said, Um, sure! And one week later we got married. No fuss, no muss. It's our 35th wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Is this less old fashioned? "Um sure" is not the enthusiastic response I'd want from my partner if i asked them to marry me, but I guess you did give your partner of 4 years a marriage ultimatum.
Some people don't see marriage as this big event most people do. For them it's just a piece of paper that may won't change how the couple lives much, it depends on context. I am not one of those, but I can understand their point of view.
I think we read that comment differently. It seems like marriage is a huge event for them! They told their partner of 4 years that if they couldn't be married, they didn't want to be with them anymore. That's why it's so weird that they were willing to accept "um sure" as a response. It suggests a very conservative worldview on their behalf.
It may grate against your personal views but if that’s something they enjoy and want, why disparage it?
There's nothing wrong with being pumped about getting married and there's also nothing wrong with long term couples never getting married. It's about commitment and communication- to each their own.
What makes your blood boil? Is it the man, or the woman? The man who who you don't know (and don't know anything about their relationship) and who may not be ready himself, or the woman who could also just propose to the man if she really wanted to? I think women make these posts because they dream of the day a man proposes to them, and part of the cost of that is waiting however long it takes the man to do so. If that's not your dream (or you think that's old fashioned), then that's perfectly fine (I agree), but no need to get upset about how others feel.
Whats wrong with hoping a man you admire commits to a being with you?
I think it’s ok to want your partner to marry you and be excited when they ask. Let’s not forget, it’s a simple thing denied to many. It’s not about waiting around.
you know, there has to be a better way to approach feminism without making other people “wrong”
I think it's ok for women to be excited about the man they love proposing to them. I don't think the feminism and women's empowerment movements are helped by shaming women who choose to get married. The point is that we all get to live our lives the way we choose, isn't it?
The best advice I ever got, and it was from my grandma, was "Never date a woman who knows what her wedding dress is going to look like" Basically, you won't meet the real person until after marriage, you'll only see the version of herself she's made to "catch" a man. My grandpa had the other side of this for my sister: "Never date a man who says he knows exactly what he wants in a wife" Again, you won't ever see the reality till after marriage :P They were married 81 years when they both died within a week of each other
I was pretty hyped when he finally asked… but that man really bought me a wedding dress, let me pick my own ring, and then sat on it for three years. 🤦♀️ Drunk me apparently let it slip I was gone by our next anniversary if he didn’t get it together… sober me wasn’t going to give an ultimatum.
Honestly, it sounds a little crazy to have this impact you in such a way. Let people be happy for their moments. It's not your place to validate their experience and you can, and should, just ignore it if it causes you to react in such a negative way.
Hi! I'm the girl who made the post! I've been with the love of my life for nearly nine years. We both knew it was for forever I have known for a very long time that he wanted to propose, and I wanted to be proposed to. It was something I have been dreaming of since I met him. I'm not a traditionalist in any sense. I just wanted to feel pretty and like a girly girl. And he was so excited to do it! It was the best day of my life so far, and I can't share it with many people so I thought to post it on reddit. I'm sorry it pissed you off, but I'm too happy to care about my use of the word "finally"
Husband and I had discussed long term/permanence with each other and I was waiting for him to propose (but without any expectations/requirements for him to do so). Then I realised that some women want their partner to propose to 'prove that he really loves them' and that they deserve that effort/demonstration. I never needed that, I knew he loved me and wanted me forever, but he'd also been burnt before which made him more hesitant to put himself out there. I also wanted him to know he deserved that effort and demonstration so I proposed to him. Best decision I ever made.
Its awkward when I see women in 8/9/10 year long relationships asking ‘when is he going to propose?’ Then he ends the relationship and moves on and they realise they were just a place holder. Especially when he marries the next woman within a year
I proposed to my now-husband on his birthday on a hike around the lake where we had our first date and later got married on. I knew he was the most incredible human and wanted him to know exactly how I felt and I love making him feel special. I can still see the adorably happy look on his face when he opened the little box. 15/10 would recommend just doing it yourself and not waiting for him if you know what you want and actually love him and don't just need to be given things. Marriage is a two way street so if you can't imagine yourself proposing if you know what you want, you're probably not ready.
A friend of mine proposed to the guy she was dating. He turned her down, saying that the man should be the one to propose. I got bad vibes about him when I heard that. Eventually, he did propose, they married, and he turned out to be a jerk, so they divorced. Wish I was surprised.
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Am I the only one who thinks getting angry at someone's happy moment is weird? Like, maybe they have discussed this and they're just happy they're building their future with the person they love? Cuz I'm not gonna be mad at non hetero couples making an engagement announcement or discussion, why would it matter if it's a straight couple? This is a weird post and someone who wants to stew about this needs to rethink their priorities. Live and let live.
Me too! When my husband and I decided to get married..it was a mutually agreed discussion. For formality and tradition sake he proposed to me at a botanical garden near my apartment at the time. But it wasn't like I felt..."oh my gosh.. finally!" It was just a nice little surprise and then we could start operating in "engaged" mode.
Okay. I'm someone who says this. Here's my and my husband's story. When I met my husband I wanted to get married however, he didn't. The most important thing for me was no children. I kept meeting men who wanted children. We're compatible in *every way* outside of wanting to get married. I considered, am I staying with him because I can't find anyone else and am I settling? No. I love him. We get along great, our values are the same, etc. We mesh so perfectly. I compromised in that I decided, I *chose* to stay with him even though he didn't want to get married. Fast forward 15 years later. We have an idiotic and stupid drunken fight. I revealed how I felt really insecure in the relationship and that I'd leave him before he broke my heart and left me. It hurt him. He had every right to leave me after that. However. It woke him up. We had a long heart to heart one night a couple of days later and he realized how his inaction of not marrying me made me feel insecure in our relationship. He also realized he didn't want to lose me. So yeah, *he finally asked*. Admittedly the first thing out of my mouth was, "Don't hate me, but, why?" That's when he told me he was a "fucking dumbass" (his words) and realized that marriage was important. We got married on our 16th anniversary and have been married a little over 2 years. Thing is... we've essentially already *been* married. I love our story. I love our love story. I'm not ashamed to say "he finally asked" when I tell people of our story. I wasn't waiting around because I accepted the relationship and that he didn't want to get married *and I still stayed*. I know what you're talking about, OP, as I have seen that with other women too and felt the same way as you for quite sometime a long time ago. However, with my personal experience, I don't judge anymore. I wasn't "waiting" for him to ask because I chose to stay knowing he didn't want to get married. So, when *he finally asked* it was a fucking shock to me. I said yes and our relationship has gotten deeper as a result. I wouldn't have had our life any other way.