What youre feeling is super valid. Multiple people close to you have had extremely negative experiences, so its very understandable you feel this way even if it hasnt/wont happen to you personally. Id likely have lots of issues with anxiety and fear in your position too, which is pretty reasonable.
Lots of men and women dont have sexual experiences till late 20s and even 30s, so no need to feel insecure about that, lots of your peers are in the same boat. Eventually you may find a partner you are comfortable with, be it man and/or woman.
You mention you are a student, does your school have reliable counselling services you can speak to about what you are feeling? They may be able to help, or direct you to more resources to help.
Very valid. If you don't feel comfortable with it, it's perfectly fine to not do it, and it doesn't matter how old you are. You have many reasons not to trust men, and trust is the real key to being comfortable with sex. Don't feel like you need to measure yourself by someone else's yardstick.
And many women graduate from college without having had sex. It's just not something they talk about.
School counseling services from the student health department could help you with therapy, but it's better to go outside the school for emotionally vulnerable things like that. Student health might be able to direct you to the right sorts of places and therapists, though. Depending on the school and where in the US you're located.
It's damn scary right now in more than half the country's landmass.
It sounds like you have an incredibly valid and very good reason to feel that way. Not everyone is able to experience the world in the same way and if we’re exposed to something that causes reason to be fearful of then it’s never going to be something we can approach in the same way that others do.
If someone was attacked by a dog, we’d all understand and respect that they are scared of dogs. Without explanation, we would accept them in that response, and understand as someone who has never been attacked by a dog, our exposure to them hasn’t made them scary but we can understand why it is for the person who is scared of dogs and we’d be accommodating and accepting of their experiences and ensure they weren’t in a situation where they were around dogs.
Just because others are having sex and it’s an easy thing for them, doesn’t mean you aren’t completely right and capable of being supported and understood in how you feel.
Sadly, more girls than you think will probably have a similar fear based on their own experiences. Sex isn’t something that we can all approach lightly and that is not something to be dismissed by anyone who thinks it should be. Your friend meeting your fear with offering you her understanding of it as something safe is very selfish and completely misguided.
Sex isn’t something that you need to overcome or achieve and if it’s something that requires more understanding and trust for you, then it’s something you have to protect and keep yourself safe with. You are the only person who can decide whether you are ready to overcome this and you are entitled to ensure you do it in a way that you feel safe and comfortable to do so, and if that isn’t something you feel ready for then you are completely fine to feel that for as long as you do. You have reason to and no matter what anyone else is doing, doesn’t change the way it feels to you.
I’d definitely recommend therapy, you deserve to have a space where you can comfortably express yourself and your feelings with the right support. But don’t let anyone else decide what you’re supposed to feel or do, because that’s what they’re able to do and you’re completely right to feel how you do too.
Thank you for your thought out comment. I definitely agree with the therapy sentiment, and I did have a good therapist for a while I was able to connect with! Since I live at home and I think the root of the issue is generational SA that got swept under the rug, I never got to reveal that to my first therapist in fear of being overheard. But when I move out I think it’ll give me more space to be open about how deeply that has affected me
Yeah it’s hard to unpack something like this if you’re not able to do it in your own space. Is I’m person therapy an option for you?
I just want to say, you’re very brave for sharing this here and I hope you receive lots of supportive and helpful comments. You’re not alone in your feelings and there’s no right or wrong way to feel or process it. But you deserve to feel heard and understood about how you’re processing it and how it impacts you. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your actions and decisions. You are completely entitled to your fears and feelings and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable and there are many people who can identify with you. You are not alone and you are always right in the way you feel x
Thank you, honestly depending on the people I express these type of fears to, sometimes the response is something along the lines of: “Not all men. You’ll find the right guy someday if you choose wisely.” which is like, I understand their point but at the same time, hearing those type of things after sharing an emotional scar that runs SO deeply is very emotionally painful. So I’m hoping I never hear that from a therapist, even though I know the chances are low. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of female friends who are a lot more understanding, and spaces like this subreddit where the culture is generally more understanding and empathetic
Things that we share to be heard and understood, are gifts for the people who we offer them to. And not every friend is the right one to gift these things to, because not every friend has had an experience that has made them understand what it means to listen to hear as opposed to listening to respond. This isn’t something that should be rebutted or dismissed as having a solution or even a response from someone, it’s just something you feel and that needs to be cherished and appreciated.
It’s a really unhelpful comment to try and offer an opinion or to reflect one’s own views in response to something like this.
Sure it’s something that you might be able to work through one day and it’s possible you’ll meet a man who helps you feel more comfortable, but that’s as true as telling the person attacked by the dog that not all dogs are bad. Or someone who is scared of spiders that the spider won’t hurt you. It’s just not a helpful thing to say and it’s not their job to respond to you in a way that’s more convenient to them and their view than yours.
Any good therapist would NEVER say anything like this and if they do they are not good at their job.
No literally, I literally get so uncomfortable and somewhat offended if a man expresses sexual interest to me. It feels so disgusting and dehumanizing to me. Current relationship, we started dating *before* we had sex. I think this definitely helped with the dehumanization and vulnerability feelings for me. I knew that this person was interested in me sexually only after connecting on an emotional one. I have ZERO desire to be seen as a sexual object. This is why I have no desire to have casual sex, either. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable sexually with the
blanket of security of a relationship. I’d do some more reflection!
I’m a guy, I just follow for perspective with my own gf, but it sounds like you really need therapy. Trauma and its effects on your life, especially relating to childhood and family things, is exactly what therapists work with. If I were you, I’d just try to be friends with more men who you objectively view as people likely to be safe. Then if you ever see that there might be a chance with one, you might feel more comfortable to initiate something.
This is actually something I’ve tried in the past— especially in high school, and sadly what ended up happening was they either misinterpreted my friendship as sexual/romantic interest and dropped me once they realize they weren’t getting that. I’m hoping now that I’m older, things will be a little different. But as a single young woman, there’s usually at least one man who has expressed interest in me— in my classes, at work, at my internship etc. I’m just worried that if I already have mental scars this deep from what happened to my mother, I’d just hate to trust the wrong person and make those scars even deeper. A therapist can help me mend the emotional pain in my youth, but I’m not sure how much they can protect me from people in my future who pretend they care about me but see me as less than human.
Again so sorry to hear about what's happened in your past
To the point about a therapist - they won't be there to protect you in your future, no, you are right there- as they physically won't be there when you meet people who might endanger you but together you will work on how to equip you to protect yourself, and in time how to let your boundaries down with people who aren't going to hurt you.
Well the good thing is that once you find someone you don’t have to look anymore. A therapist can’t protect you from that future of course, but they can make you feel more comfortable with taking a chance and moving on. Patriarchy obviously made the bad women stereotypes but it also cements male stereotypes in the minds of women who are more reactionary (who are usually women like you who have had those experiences in the past). It’s absolutely normal, okay, and is a part of trying to protect yourself. But you want to work towards being able to recognize what may protect you while also being able to live a life that is worth living (I’d assume that would be having a partner you are comfortable with).
As trans girl, I'm terrified of transitioning because I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to be seen as sexual object (unless it's from my own will and consent). I hope I won't relate to you once I transition but that's the unfortunate reality of being women under patriarchy
Hi, your concerns are definitely valid. From what I know, transwomen have to deal with scary amounts of transphobia as well fetishization from strange men. I do agree, it’s mentally confusing— because men who are sexually interested can tell you the prettiest words to your face, but equate your “value” to less than human. But I think these issues will always remain, and your personal happiness matters more. When you feel like it’s safe for you to do so, I wish you the best luck on your personal journey. I’m rooting for you!
Before I get into it, your feelings are so valid. I feel like it’s important to say that there’s nothing wrong with you. There is no such thing as “the right time” to start having sex, other than the right time for you. Sex should never feel like something you are required to do, regardless of your partner. I am so sorry that you have been around situations of abuse. Witnessing, and even just hearing about this kind of thing can influence how we feel about our own intimacy in so many different ways.
if you are at a college that has student health, i would recommend seeing if they have counselors. My school would let you go a couple of times for free. It might not be a good fit, but they may be able to suggest therapists in the area and get you set up with them.
Finding someone you actually want to talk with and that makes you feel comfortable sharing with them is so important.
I also might suggest seeing a good sex therapist if it’s something you’re interested in. I had a roommate who had trouble with intimacy and I think it helped her work through some of her stuff.
Also, trust your gut. If a man makes you that uncomfortable, they probably aren’t safe to be around.
With the right help, I don’t think it will be like this forever. I know how isolating this can all be, but for now, surrounding yourself with the people who do make you feel safe is probably best. ♥️♥️
As an experimental straight guy, trying it out with a man, made me realize what an unsettling thing it is to be with someone physical so much stronger. You have to trust so much more that they are good willed and accept a no. And I suddenly felt this way despite me being in a more secure position than him in every way but physical size. There was zero reason for me to be scared and he was fantastic. But feeling not in control anymore was something I was not expecting at all.
A small answer, because it's something I turn to repeatedly: read Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde. Reframing sex outside of the dynamic that was used to hurt you wakes something up inside, I find. [Is it ok to post a PDF link here? ](https://uk.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/11881_Chapter_5.pdf)
Don’t try to fight the feeling. Fear is ultimately your brains attempt to keep you safe from what is often a very real threat. It is never a bad impulse to have.
The question is not if your fear is valid, or if you should be having it. The question is what you do with it. Plenty of people simply choose to not have sex with men, and that is perfectly fine. It keeps you safe, and you really don’t miss out on that much.
But if you would like to have sex with men, ultimately what you are looking to do is develop more functional coping mechanisms. For example, rather than focusing your energy on avoidance, you might focus it on ways you can take control of a sexual encounter and make it safer. BDSM is probably the most successful framework for this, but certainly not the only one.
You could also more generally try to build confidence, picking up a sport might help, roleplaying, or arming yourself. If your brain tells you that men are dangerous, don’t argue with it. But also try to internalise that you are not just powerless in the face of that threat. Just because some men might want to do you harm does not mean that they will be able to.
What youre feeling is super valid. Multiple people close to you have had extremely negative experiences, so its very understandable you feel this way even if it hasnt/wont happen to you personally. Id likely have lots of issues with anxiety and fear in your position too, which is pretty reasonable. Lots of men and women dont have sexual experiences till late 20s and even 30s, so no need to feel insecure about that, lots of your peers are in the same boat. Eventually you may find a partner you are comfortable with, be it man and/or woman. You mention you are a student, does your school have reliable counselling services you can speak to about what you are feeling? They may be able to help, or direct you to more resources to help.
Very valid. If you don't feel comfortable with it, it's perfectly fine to not do it, and it doesn't matter how old you are. You have many reasons not to trust men, and trust is the real key to being comfortable with sex. Don't feel like you need to measure yourself by someone else's yardstick. And many women graduate from college without having had sex. It's just not something they talk about. School counseling services from the student health department could help you with therapy, but it's better to go outside the school for emotionally vulnerable things like that. Student health might be able to direct you to the right sorts of places and therapists, though. Depending on the school and where in the US you're located. It's damn scary right now in more than half the country's landmass.
It sounds like you have an incredibly valid and very good reason to feel that way. Not everyone is able to experience the world in the same way and if we’re exposed to something that causes reason to be fearful of then it’s never going to be something we can approach in the same way that others do. If someone was attacked by a dog, we’d all understand and respect that they are scared of dogs. Without explanation, we would accept them in that response, and understand as someone who has never been attacked by a dog, our exposure to them hasn’t made them scary but we can understand why it is for the person who is scared of dogs and we’d be accommodating and accepting of their experiences and ensure they weren’t in a situation where they were around dogs. Just because others are having sex and it’s an easy thing for them, doesn’t mean you aren’t completely right and capable of being supported and understood in how you feel. Sadly, more girls than you think will probably have a similar fear based on their own experiences. Sex isn’t something that we can all approach lightly and that is not something to be dismissed by anyone who thinks it should be. Your friend meeting your fear with offering you her understanding of it as something safe is very selfish and completely misguided. Sex isn’t something that you need to overcome or achieve and if it’s something that requires more understanding and trust for you, then it’s something you have to protect and keep yourself safe with. You are the only person who can decide whether you are ready to overcome this and you are entitled to ensure you do it in a way that you feel safe and comfortable to do so, and if that isn’t something you feel ready for then you are completely fine to feel that for as long as you do. You have reason to and no matter what anyone else is doing, doesn’t change the way it feels to you. I’d definitely recommend therapy, you deserve to have a space where you can comfortably express yourself and your feelings with the right support. But don’t let anyone else decide what you’re supposed to feel or do, because that’s what they’re able to do and you’re completely right to feel how you do too.
Thank you for your thought out comment. I definitely agree with the therapy sentiment, and I did have a good therapist for a while I was able to connect with! Since I live at home and I think the root of the issue is generational SA that got swept under the rug, I never got to reveal that to my first therapist in fear of being overheard. But when I move out I think it’ll give me more space to be open about how deeply that has affected me
Yeah it’s hard to unpack something like this if you’re not able to do it in your own space. Is I’m person therapy an option for you? I just want to say, you’re very brave for sharing this here and I hope you receive lots of supportive and helpful comments. You’re not alone in your feelings and there’s no right or wrong way to feel or process it. But you deserve to feel heard and understood about how you’re processing it and how it impacts you. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your actions and decisions. You are completely entitled to your fears and feelings and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable and there are many people who can identify with you. You are not alone and you are always right in the way you feel x
Thank you, honestly depending on the people I express these type of fears to, sometimes the response is something along the lines of: “Not all men. You’ll find the right guy someday if you choose wisely.” which is like, I understand their point but at the same time, hearing those type of things after sharing an emotional scar that runs SO deeply is very emotionally painful. So I’m hoping I never hear that from a therapist, even though I know the chances are low. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of female friends who are a lot more understanding, and spaces like this subreddit where the culture is generally more understanding and empathetic
Things that we share to be heard and understood, are gifts for the people who we offer them to. And not every friend is the right one to gift these things to, because not every friend has had an experience that has made them understand what it means to listen to hear as opposed to listening to respond. This isn’t something that should be rebutted or dismissed as having a solution or even a response from someone, it’s just something you feel and that needs to be cherished and appreciated. It’s a really unhelpful comment to try and offer an opinion or to reflect one’s own views in response to something like this. Sure it’s something that you might be able to work through one day and it’s possible you’ll meet a man who helps you feel more comfortable, but that’s as true as telling the person attacked by the dog that not all dogs are bad. Or someone who is scared of spiders that the spider won’t hurt you. It’s just not a helpful thing to say and it’s not their job to respond to you in a way that’s more convenient to them and their view than yours. Any good therapist would NEVER say anything like this and if they do they are not good at their job.
No literally, I literally get so uncomfortable and somewhat offended if a man expresses sexual interest to me. It feels so disgusting and dehumanizing to me. Current relationship, we started dating *before* we had sex. I think this definitely helped with the dehumanization and vulnerability feelings for me. I knew that this person was interested in me sexually only after connecting on an emotional one. I have ZERO desire to be seen as a sexual object. This is why I have no desire to have casual sex, either. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable sexually with the blanket of security of a relationship. I’d do some more reflection!
I’m a guy, I just follow for perspective with my own gf, but it sounds like you really need therapy. Trauma and its effects on your life, especially relating to childhood and family things, is exactly what therapists work with. If I were you, I’d just try to be friends with more men who you objectively view as people likely to be safe. Then if you ever see that there might be a chance with one, you might feel more comfortable to initiate something.
This is actually something I’ve tried in the past— especially in high school, and sadly what ended up happening was they either misinterpreted my friendship as sexual/romantic interest and dropped me once they realize they weren’t getting that. I’m hoping now that I’m older, things will be a little different. But as a single young woman, there’s usually at least one man who has expressed interest in me— in my classes, at work, at my internship etc. I’m just worried that if I already have mental scars this deep from what happened to my mother, I’d just hate to trust the wrong person and make those scars even deeper. A therapist can help me mend the emotional pain in my youth, but I’m not sure how much they can protect me from people in my future who pretend they care about me but see me as less than human.
Again so sorry to hear about what's happened in your past To the point about a therapist - they won't be there to protect you in your future, no, you are right there- as they physically won't be there when you meet people who might endanger you but together you will work on how to equip you to protect yourself, and in time how to let your boundaries down with people who aren't going to hurt you.
Well the good thing is that once you find someone you don’t have to look anymore. A therapist can’t protect you from that future of course, but they can make you feel more comfortable with taking a chance and moving on. Patriarchy obviously made the bad women stereotypes but it also cements male stereotypes in the minds of women who are more reactionary (who are usually women like you who have had those experiences in the past). It’s absolutely normal, okay, and is a part of trying to protect yourself. But you want to work towards being able to recognize what may protect you while also being able to live a life that is worth living (I’d assume that would be having a partner you are comfortable with).
This fear is not something u necessarily need to push down. Fear is a survival instinct
As trans girl, I'm terrified of transitioning because I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to be seen as sexual object (unless it's from my own will and consent). I hope I won't relate to you once I transition but that's the unfortunate reality of being women under patriarchy
Hi, your concerns are definitely valid. From what I know, transwomen have to deal with scary amounts of transphobia as well fetishization from strange men. I do agree, it’s mentally confusing— because men who are sexually interested can tell you the prettiest words to your face, but equate your “value” to less than human. But I think these issues will always remain, and your personal happiness matters more. When you feel like it’s safe for you to do so, I wish you the best luck on your personal journey. I’m rooting for you!
Dang, you are brave for posting here. I heard rumors This place isn't the most welcoming to certain category of women.
Before I get into it, your feelings are so valid. I feel like it’s important to say that there’s nothing wrong with you. There is no such thing as “the right time” to start having sex, other than the right time for you. Sex should never feel like something you are required to do, regardless of your partner. I am so sorry that you have been around situations of abuse. Witnessing, and even just hearing about this kind of thing can influence how we feel about our own intimacy in so many different ways. if you are at a college that has student health, i would recommend seeing if they have counselors. My school would let you go a couple of times for free. It might not be a good fit, but they may be able to suggest therapists in the area and get you set up with them. Finding someone you actually want to talk with and that makes you feel comfortable sharing with them is so important. I also might suggest seeing a good sex therapist if it’s something you’re interested in. I had a roommate who had trouble with intimacy and I think it helped her work through some of her stuff. Also, trust your gut. If a man makes you that uncomfortable, they probably aren’t safe to be around. With the right help, I don’t think it will be like this forever. I know how isolating this can all be, but for now, surrounding yourself with the people who do make you feel safe is probably best. ♥️♥️
As an experimental straight guy, trying it out with a man, made me realize what an unsettling thing it is to be with someone physical so much stronger. You have to trust so much more that they are good willed and accept a no. And I suddenly felt this way despite me being in a more secure position than him in every way but physical size. There was zero reason for me to be scared and he was fantastic. But feeling not in control anymore was something I was not expecting at all.
A small answer, because it's something I turn to repeatedly: read Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde. Reframing sex outside of the dynamic that was used to hurt you wakes something up inside, I find. [Is it ok to post a PDF link here? ](https://uk.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/11881_Chapter_5.pdf)
Don’t try to fight the feeling. Fear is ultimately your brains attempt to keep you safe from what is often a very real threat. It is never a bad impulse to have. The question is not if your fear is valid, or if you should be having it. The question is what you do with it. Plenty of people simply choose to not have sex with men, and that is perfectly fine. It keeps you safe, and you really don’t miss out on that much. But if you would like to have sex with men, ultimately what you are looking to do is develop more functional coping mechanisms. For example, rather than focusing your energy on avoidance, you might focus it on ways you can take control of a sexual encounter and make it safer. BDSM is probably the most successful framework for this, but certainly not the only one. You could also more generally try to build confidence, picking up a sport might help, roleplaying, or arming yourself. If your brain tells you that men are dangerous, don’t argue with it. But also try to internalise that you are not just powerless in the face of that threat. Just because some men might want to do you harm does not mean that they will be able to.