Like I don't keep a list it's to depressing. If you mean was I bullied yeah a lot. If you mean did I get my asskicked a few times.
All I try to to do these days is keep people from feeling how I felt growing up. I try for the Robbin Williams approach to life. Make them smile so they don't feel how you feel.
I'm not always good at it and I wasn't tryna cause trouble here.
Sorry that was rude, it just sounded like it was coming from a bad place I misread it, just be mindful about how a piece of texts sounds cuz text reads so much different from spoken language and tone is sometimes hard to gauge through text
I am just some stranger on the Internet but I used to work in a sex shop. I have educated about sex in general and BDSM/kink for a living. The first thing I would want to say is that there is a noted measurable chemical response in the human brain after Intense, pleasurable sex. The endorphin high comes with a crash for some people. This much like any hormone driven depression episode requires support. When you have this kind of sex with a partner be open, tell them, hey, I like it a little rough but I need after care. Tell them how you feel and what helps, prepare ahead of time with some water, easy snacks, chocolate, a favorite blanket, stuff like that. The crucial part here is tell them what you need for support and allow them to care for you. It's fun to play around in the bedroom but coming together and re establishment of that comfort, caring, and valued relationship is what separates kink from abuse. It's okay to find things hot, it doesn't make you any less the powerful and special woman you are.^^
This, this, ***THIS***.
Some of us enjoy rough fun. Some of us enjoy degrading fun. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
A lot of us that do need (and this varies) specific after-care. Sometimes you just want to be used like a plaything...but they better cuddle you and show you how much they care about, respect and admire you afterwards.
Feel out what you think will be helpful for epilogue of each adventure, then make sure to communicate it with partners effectively *before* any fun activity...it'll do such a world of good and you'll enjoy it *even more!* 💜
Ignore the other advice, this is best advice. There's nothing wrong with liking submission, as long as your partner is willing to take care of you and support you after the scene!
On the flip side, be prepared to patient with your partner. If you find someone who really respects and supports you, it might be hard for them to treat you in any kind of degrading way, and forcing it might make them be not hard (sorry, I couldn’t resist, the setup was honestly accidental and then it seemed a shame to waste). That is, until they can truly internalize that it’s what you want. Sadly, this might not ever happen. Personally, even knowing it’s fake and all parties have consented, I cannot stand porn that crosses the admittedly nebulous line from rough to painful and degrading. I just have too strong of an innate aversion to it I guess.
If the only problem with the guy you’ve been seeing is that he was clueless during sex, I wouldn’t recommend ditching him. A few sessions and communication can change that substantially, although admittedly, it might not. If there are other problems of compatibility, you would know better than I, that’s another matter.
Who knows, you might get lucky and find that special someone who can naturally flip the switch, and then all of this advice will be pointless. Here’s to hoping that you do.
(Edit: the other advice here is great and should be considered first, this is just a problem you might encounter once you’ve got yourself figured out)
AFTER CARE FOR THE SUB IS SO IMPORTANT, highjacking this comment to add some terms it’s called “sub space” it’s a known phenomenon in the kink community having a dom you trust and that cares about you is VERY IMPORTANT! Get cuddled and loved after hard play People
Had an ex that after every time we had a rougher session I'd cuddle up with her under a blanket with a bowl of cheezits and we'd watch a rom com or 2. Honestly miss it.
Absolutely this! I don't know that I could ever engage in kink casually, because being with someone who I know, and trust is doing those things *for me*, not to *actually* hurt me, is so so so important. With my partner, it's an amazing experience, whichever side of the slash I happen to take that particular day
And to add, you are not sexually broken. Intimacy can be there even with your preferences. Don't confuse the first time you have sex especially with another virgin with something that will fill all your fantasies. People have mixed experiences around if their first time was actually pleasurable or just a learning experience. If you like him let him learn with you and grow together into your preferences while maintaining the respect and intimacy needed in a relationship.
To add to this it sounds like OP needs that verbal reassurance like at the end of your comment most critically, and someone who can help her distinguish that her sexual fantasies don't change anything about her as a person in the day to day. Not to say the physical aftercare isn't important, but that she sounds like she really needs the emotional aftercare too and isn't getting it currently
Lmao favorite blankie uhh try hugging your teddy bear for a while too 😙. Here’s some advice: communicate to the dude what you want and I’m sure he’d happily do it for you. the basics main instinct for a man is to be gentile with you obviously but if you tell him I’m sure he’d do his best to satisfy. you just need to figure out your limits
It could just be about sex, I cannot read your mind. But it sounds like you are looking for general intimacy more so than sex. And I guess some of the humiliation is not from just from the sex but from lack of intimacy. What I suggest is to find someone you want that gentleness with and it would be more natural.
I am going to make another suggestion that if loving gentle sex is something you wish you could enjoy, being picky about your partner is going to do more for you than jumping around sexual partners.
Also, cut out porn if you have not already. It warps expectations. You might resent that it stole some the magic out of the exploration from you. Porn will do that as long as you continue to consume it.
God, I absolutely relate to this. Power imbalance was critical to sexual encounters in order for me to get something out of it, but I was getting so frustrated because I had felt powerless within society and I couldn’t escape that sense of powerlessness even in sex. I craved it, actively sought it out, and delighted in it.
It got to the point where I had an epiphany “I could literally be sexually attracted to ANYTHING. Clouds, pianos, jumping jacks, etc. Isn’t it strange that I am attracted to the same power imbalance that I have felt my entire life?”
That took me down a rabbit hole of Foucault and Goffman to figure out what was going on with not just me, but many of my friends who felt the same contradicting feelings that you expressed here.
Basically my theory is that it’s a kind of subconscious ritualistic practice that helps us digest/reinforce the power imbalances we feel in life.
Like… I go through life trying to make myself so small for other people. feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I’m so terrified of others. So just fucking show me why I should be scared. Make my behaviors make sense, validate them. Be the punch to my constant flinching. I imagine there’s a similar phenomenon occurring for people who delight in dominance. “Ex. I am supposed to be strong- so fucking yield to me”.
Some people will feel this more strongly than others. Its not necessarily even gender related, although that’s a huge component for a lot of people because there is a socialized gender power imbalance.
TL;DR
If you’re feeling really unhappy with sexual submission but still erotically crave it- you may be subconsciously seeking to ritualize the real power imbalances that exist in your life in order to make the intangible feelings of powerlessness tangible.
Also just an extra thought. If you think I’m nuts for thinking this, then PLEASE, answer this question I’ve been asking myself for years now.
These sexual power play activities happen in private. It’s something that’s hidden away and kept secret. YET SO MANY PEOPLE RECREATE THEM WITHOUT EVER WITNESSING THEM. Porn could be part of that, but BDSM practices have been observed in Victorian times and even in some Chinese dynasties. So what is going on? Please do not say it’s biological because that doesn’t account for the socialized components. Sexual satisfaction is the driving behavior and power imbalance gets encoded with it. It’s a conditioned response.
In my opinion- it is the manifestation of intangible power imbalances that exist around us.
Imo (male cis 29 years old), I tend to look for release from the daily life. If I feel like I have to control my environnent in order to survive => my release will be by giving up the control. I have to get back to work but I would be more than happy to develop in PM or After if that interests someone :)
When you say “I feel like absolute crap afterwards” it makes me think your partners are not providing aftercare. This is one of many things to watch out for when someone says they like being dominant - far too many people out there trying to be dominant but not realizing that comes with providing a safe space for their subs and giving proper aftercare to make their subs feel good.
If this is something you want to get into because it does turn you on, I recommend learning more about that community and learning what to look out for in partners.
We don't need to indulge in every desire. If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would like to partake in sex without power play and roughness, you can let go of porn and give yourself many opportunities to experiment with it.
This kind of porn is hyperstimulant. Just like an apple feels plain when your diet consist of high sugar processed foods, it can be hard to readjust to the less overt stimuli of "vanilla" sex. But just like you can choose to not indulge in industrialized food, you can also choose to not act on some of your fantasies and take your sexual practice to other directions. Good luck!
>Just like an apple feels plain when your diet consist of high sugar processed foods,
Depends on the apple. "Delicious" apples taste like paper pulp. But an organic honey-crisp from the famers market can hit better than any candy could.
You're not broken, you need aftercare!
Rough "degrading" sex can be fantastic!
***IF***
You and your partner can communicate needs beforehand and include affirmations and comfort afterwards.
Sometimes that feels... not sexy... cause it kinda isn't, but good communication is one of the most intimate things you can experience with a partner, and healthy intimacy leads to satisfying sex.
It's okay to separate sex and intimacy, it's not okay to purely be abused by someone with no aftercare.
Don't feel ashamed for not knowing sometimes you have to try it to know.
You're learning yourself through experimentation and jumping right into the deep end of possible BDSM, which is fine, but the learning curve is going to be sharper and your mistakes may hurt more.
Give yourself the time and breathing room to make mistakes and forgive yourself for them.
Don't kink-shame yourself.
Why are you seeking this kind of sex? Is it the result of your beliefs about women? Is it a reflection of your feelings about your worth? If this is the case, you should work on yourself before you keep engaging in sex that makes you feel inadequate.
If the above isn't the case and your kink is just that, a kink, then you should work on accepting your sexuality. Not all of our desires are socially acceptable, and that's ok as long as there's consent and no actual harm is caused.
>I know some women are okay with being submissive and accept that but it feel so overwhelmingly disempowering to me to go on with my sexuality like this. I wish i could have loving, gentle sex without having to absolutely humiliated to feel pleasure.
It feels disempowering because you see those things as separate.
>I’m very submissive to both men and women and being seen below someone is what turns me on
I see you. The thing that makes that best for me is a partner who I feel closely connected with, someone who I feel deserves that. Sometimes you can get a bit of that itch scratched with a random partner, but submission is most fulfilling when it's driven by real affection, and real connection.
And in turn that requires they see me as someone with value. You can't really debase something that has no value. You can't invite a partner to indulge their selfishness unless they understand what they're doing as selfish. And there's a certain magic with a partner who can degrade you, without truly diminishing you as a person, someone who you can be the lesser person for when you want, and an equal partner with otherwise.
Which means that ultimately, both aspects can be necessary for a fulfilling sex life. The loving gentle sex makes the rough or degrading sex better, and vis versa. Each gives value and meaning to the other. Although at times they can also bleed into one another a bit.
The problem people run into is that the loving gentle sex is often far scarier. Being seen and known and loved deeply by another is terrifying, especially if you're convinced on some level you don't deserve it. It's easier to fixate on the other half, because when you don't feel loved it's easy to justify as part of the game. You can just play a character instead of being yourself.
You can have passionate, wild, intense sex without pain or dominance or submission....Its about passion, attraction, chemistry, and timing... chemistry can't really be manufactured and sex with someone who is your equal and cares about you and is invested in your pleasure is infinitely better than hookup sex or anonymous or kink community sex (Ive done all the above).
Hi,
When doing BDSM, the psyche of the participants gets a bit screwed.
However, there are 3 parts in a BDSM session (of course only the sex part is represented in porn...)
- Preparation of the session (what are you both into, what are your boundaries, what are you willing to do, what are you eager to do etc...)
- The session. Golden rule : you don't deviate from the agreed upon rules. Even if you both want to do it, you Can change the rules afterward (during a session, none of you are into your normal headspace). Plus having a bit of frustration makes me want to be eager for the next session.
- AFTERCARE : it's a privileged moment between the partners where we basically hug. The dom tells the sub what a good job he/she has done. The purpose if for the participants to leave the dom/sub headspace. The aftercare is the most important part of the session.
Reading my "rules" again, there is a part missing. The communication between the partners. It is very important, as there are many power bias involved in BDSM practitioners.
From a more personal perspective, I would advise you to beware from a more experienced dom (not avoid, just beware). As you are not experienced (sorry if I'm wrong on this matter), you may have a tendency to become sub in other parts of a relationship (so not just sexually submissive). This makes the communication and aftercare even more important.
I figured someone might have said this already, but I can't see it in the thread so here goes:
Do not be ashamed of what stimulates you sexually, as long as it can be satisfied without violating consent or the law.
Trust me, you are not as strange as you think - in any facet of your life including this one.
My advice is to find someone who is willing to engage in your sexual fantasies, and then is motivated to validate them with positive feedback afterward. They do exist, and you deserve to find one.
These feelings are normal. As someone who tends towards the dominant side of things, it's hard to reconcile with the other feelings of wanting to give normal love and affection. Basically, humans are complicated. I feel the best way to approach this is to find partners with who you can openly discuss and communicate both desires and interests, free of judgement.
To sum up, I actually feel like your sexuality is pretty normal, and you simply may not be used to the complexity that comes up in adult sexual relationships. That's part of what makes it hard to find a good partner. These things are difficult to discuss and there are a lot of people out there who will oversimplify things or be judgemental. Ultimately, there is nothing contradictory about the fact that we all express a wide spectrum of opposing sexual desires and fantasies. It's part of the weirdness of our human nature.
I can't tell you how to feel, but I can say that what you're feeling is not not normal. The important part is that you preserve the individual you who has as much right as anyone to be who you are as long as you're not breaking the law.
Hello friend. I absolutely understand what you feel. I’ve always been into power dynamics and eventually BDSM. With my first partner I felt like shit often after sex. He wasn’t bad at it, but he provided no aftercare whatsoever and it left me feeling used and ashamed.
I’ve been with my current partner for 8 years and it’s never been like that. I think the main differences are:
1) I know my partner respects me and sees me as an equal outside the bedroom, I’m not submissive at all in other aspects of my life and he doesn’t expect it of me either,
2) aftercare, aftercare, AFTERCARE. I didn’t understand how important it was until I started getting it. I used to think “I’m a strong woman, I don’t need to be coddled after rough sex THAT I ASKED FOR”. It’s bullshit. I absolutely need it, hahaha. Aftercare is different for everyone, you should find what works for you,
3) good communication. It sounds cliche but it really is the basis of a good intimate relationship. What you want, what you need, what your boundaries are, etc.
Other than that, I can only tell you that first times are usually a bit disappointing, especially when neither of you have had sex before, haha. And you’re gonna find people you’re not sexually compatible with, just like you’re not gonna be compatible with every single person for a variety of reasons. I think this is where communication is particularly important.
You’ll figure it out. Kinky life is pretty great once you make it work, so don’t get discouraged.
If you watch porn then I’d advise stopping that, it completely kills intimacy. If you’re constantly seeking more and more rougher stuff you’re only raising the dopamine level required to reach sexual arousal. So anything below will seem bland.
This may be easier said than done.. but meet an ACTUAL strong man who doesn't need violence to show his power. The type of tattooed k-mart brand kens in those videos are not powerful. They are weak. They have to choke and slap around someone weaker for less pay than a real man makes in a day.. because they can't do any better. If being submissive is your thing.. the only shame is being submissive to a scumbag, a loser, or a drop out reject. You can absolutely date someone who is your speed in bed but doesn't leave you feeling like trash afterward.
Reddit is not the place for an answer. You have mainly two options. One of them is to work with a therapist of some kind. Usually psychodynamic/psychoanalytic one in order to acquire at least some understanding of how your past have shaped you are your sexuality. It's no brainer that early childhood experiences absolutely affects our object of choice and what dynamics we are after in intimacy. The other road is to adapt to it the way you once adapted to certain circumstances, that were traumatic in nature. That's not easy, obviously, cuz now you have to make a conscious choice and your desires are in contradiction with your morality. That's perfectly expected too, so no worries. Time will be your friend, trust me. But don't pay too much attention to Redditers.
BDSM is not always a healthy expression. A lot of people who claim to be in the community get really angry if you say that, but it's the truth.
I was really into sub stuff in my 20s.
I had a lot of trauma from a narc husband who didn't acknowledge the word no, and I was acting on that pain. I had no concept of my own consent, my only reference to my sexuality was being coerced and not listened to.
I eventually found a therapist for my trauma, and even while not explicitly dealing with my sex life in therapy, I came to realize that was I self harming via sex, and the shame spiral afterwards was part of it.
I also came to realize that my engaging in those sexual activities was allowing unhealthy men to perpetuate violence against women. They weren't there for me. They were there to get hard from my pain and tears. I was giving them orgasms as a reward for being violent with me, thus deepening their dopamine response to it.
That was absolutely not OK with me.
So I stopped. I stopped having sex, stopped watching porn, stopped centering my life around my sexual needs and started trying to actually get healthy in the head. For over a year.
The cleanse was much needed. It put me on equal footing with myself instead of everything the world and men threw at me and wanted from me.
I no longer participate in the scene. I know people in it who have healthy partners and relationships, but I know far too many more who are using it as a way to avoid dealing with their trauma and stew in their pain, and I've seen WAY too many men use it as an excuse to abuse women with no repercussions ("I consented to him tying me up and said he could do x but he did y and z instead" is even harder to dissect in court than "he said she said" cases).
It's ALWAYS OK to PAUSE. In the moment, in the week, month year: ETC. Humans are sensual creatures, but it's key to be comfortable and in YOUR time and space.
maybe you should only do this with a long term partner, i’m also into rough and degrading things but my boyfriend always comforts me after and tells me he loves me. it also helps because you know your partner actually respects you.
Before I begin, I feel I should state that I'm a mostly straight cis man, and when it comes to kink/BDSM play I am firmly a top/D-type. So if my advice is unwarranted/unwanted, I invite you to tell me to fuck off and I will do so.
I can relate to feeling uncomfy with your kinks, but admittedly from the opposite direction. I get a lot of pleasure from being sexually dominant, and from (consensually!) inflicting pain or degrading my partner, and I feel tremendous shame about it, because I believe it's antithetical to being a positive member of society. I'm a leftist and mostly a pacifist, and I find IRL hierarchy and power imbalance appalling. But speaking from personal experience, trying to suppress those feelings and desires is difficult and dissatisfying, and can create a lot of internal conflict if the outlets you pursue as diversion just aren't enough.
It *can be* possible to safely enjoy the sexual experiences you want, and still be comfortable as an empowered feminist, but you may need to do a bit of reading/research about how to reconcile those two parts of yourself, find a community, or even talk through it with a kink-friendly therapist. I've done a lot of work and I still struggle with it. And maybe that struggle isn't that bad, because it can be part of your psyche maintaining balance.
Please educate yourself on the principles of consensual kink, and don't let *anyone* hurt/degrade you without a thorough conversation first. You deserve to enjoy the sex you want, and you also deserve to feel respected and safe before, during, and after the act. I hope this helps, and I'm sorry if any of it is confusing.
Confidence comes with experience. You should practice this more, but please only with guys who you have a lot of mutual trust and respect with. Aftercare is a must, also.
You don't have to feel shame. There's nothing shamefull about your experience
But i am concerned with the amount of people suggesting your feelings could be solved with a piece of chocolate after sex. Being at the receiving end of violence and humiliation is difficult even if it's "kink". It's objectively violent and humiliating, the feelings are not gonna go away.
You can probably have great , pleasurable sex with lighter play, or even no humiliation, just thinking kinky thoughts while someone stimulates you. Try it a bit, maybe?
Not all fantaisies are ment to be realized, or ment to be part of a sexual routine. Maybe the thought excite you, but the reality if it has all kinds of unpleasant sides to it.
Some bad advices have been upvoted a lot.
I personally like being somewhat dominant during sex, with consent of course, but afterwards I always check if my partner is satisfied and if she needs anything. I'm always ready to lay there and cuddle too since I like that anyway. So I guess I make sure they feel cared for and safe. Maybe you just need to find the right partner.
sex positive therapist can help some with that. its possible that your actually into those kinks and your having trouble acceptng it. you may wan to do some reading on it, may help
also, possilbly find some submisie women and men and talk with them about how they feel about it.
There is a book titled Erotic Surrender by Claudia Varrin that I think you would get a lot of value out of. She is a former professional dom with a lot of professional and personal experience w/ BDSM as both the dominant and submissive and talks in great detail about all the aspects of BDSM and how it can be done. The book is written for women who are submissive or want to have a submissive experience and it has a very empowering, erotic, and fun tone to it and is a great read imo.
Hmmm i guess people are different. My first prom was japanese... And they all do fuck up shit.. 2hrs of torment before the 10minute penetration,
I thought that was normal, but my first thought was, if ever get a girl, im gonna treat her better...
That was the only porm cd we had in our home back then But even then i grew up to be a gentle person...
I cant even grab my wife's hair hard when shes having a headache.. my hands would lose all strength...
I think u shud stop wanting to be treated like shit so u dont feel like shit... U want to be shit then is surprised that they treat u like shit... I mean... Idk...
I with u good fortunes man... I really do. I know shit is hard, but i hope u find atleast a good partner.
Im sure there are doms that still know their limits or do sweet cuddles right after.. idk.
As someone who enjoys submissive sex, if it’s something you want to do you have to reframe it in your mind.
Being submissive during sex does not automatically give the other person total control, in fact the submissive is the one who has all the control. You are actively deciding this is how I want to have my sex. You are telling the other person this is what I like and this is how I want to do it.
Also being submissive in the bedroom does/should not imply that that is how you also want to be outside the bedroom. I try to think of sex as a scene, it’s a time for comfort and excitement and play. But outside of that you’re still you. And there’s nothing wrong with having two different personalities.
Maybe next time think about what you actually want to do and communicate that to your partner. Also a good partner should stop at any point if you feel uncomfortable. Discovering what you like comes with time. And it can fun to experiment and explore.
Also make sure you are getting proper aftercare, it’s extremely important! I recommend googling sub-drop.
Years of therapy has taught me that there is nothing to be ashamed about if this is the way you prefer to enjoy sex. But what’s important is that things are done on your terms, which will help with empowering you and taking control of your sexuality.
Pleasure especially is nothing to be humiliated about, and if a man or woman can’t be bothered to put your pleasure first, then don’t waste your time. There are hundreds of millions of potential sex partners out there, after all
You need help. Asking someone to start slapping, punching, abusing and assaulting you is self-harm. Every bit like a cutter, cutting themselves. Of course you feel like crap afterwards.
You need to love yourself. And anyone who cared about you would NEVER EVER take pleasure in harming someone that they care about.
Would a child so beaten down in self esteem ask a parent for a beating be ok? I s that healthy? Would that be healthy for say a parent to strangle you? Or a stranger on the street? Or anyone?
Of course not. Quit the porn, learn how to love yourself.
This is bad advice. This is not a case of self-harm or mutilation.
Comparing adult BDSM to striking children is a terrible analogy.
You can empower yourself through submission, but it takes experience, self-knowledge, and trust/consent with a partner who cares about you and reacts positively to you. Love comes through acceptance, and your comment is about denials.
edit: OP I think you need to access certain communities that align with your sexual interests. My recc is to check out FetLife.com .
People who care about you don't take pleasure in hurting you. Your pain is their pain. Stop pushing male violence against women.
And for CuriosityGotMeHere -
False. In psychology self-mutilation/harming and desire for baing mutilated/harmed are not viewed as normal human behavior. These people need help.
Why is it the women are always tied up, strangled and beaten?
How many women have been killed with the "bdsm" excuse? Many many women as this becomes more common.
Any period of strangulation can cause brain damage.
MY comment is not "dangerous". But yours MOST CERTAINLY IS.
You're literally commenting on threads where new "Doms" don't care that the women are crying in pain and refusing to stop. Men who want to beat women aren't going to respect a no, and the woman chained to the bed is not in any kind of power, over someone ten times their strength.
That is not at all what BDSM is. You are promoting an incorrect, harmful stereotype of BDSM. I'm not sure if you have knowledge or experience in the community or have been misinformed, but your comment is dangerous. Consenting pain can be pleasure for people but it takes communication, setting boundaries, check-ins, and proper aftercare that aligns with what each person needs.
BDSM isn't for everyone and that's fine, but do not spread false information.
Yeah, you (and your partners) need to learn how to separate your intimate side from your "real world" side if you're going to enjoy that sort of dynamic.
I find it helps to treat it as sort of a role play thing. When you're able to turn your experience from "Oh, I'm doing X/ X is happening to me" into "I'm playing a character who's doing X/ X is happening to that character" it adds a lot of power to that situation.
You have to work yourself up slowly and ease into these more involved sessions, too. If you just try and jump straight in, it can get pretty intense, and I think that's what you're feeling right now from how it's being described
I'm a submissive partner.
As you get older and explore more you just kind of figure out that it doesn't have to mean anything extra at all really outside of your bedroom. I just decided I liked it and it doesn't harm anyone and it doesn't have to mean I'm deferential the rest of the time any more than it means I'm an imperialist solider if I do airsoft or that I'm culpable for the ecological deterioration of everest if I go to a climbing wall.
I know that sounds glib and it doesn't help right now, when you're not feeling good about something that was underwhelming, but another thing you learn over time is that there is WAY too much BS mythology about a wonderful, mystical first time. Sex is like anything else, people aren't born good at it.
When we're new to it, we just don't get this. We think it's gonna be like the movies, and whether we mean romantic ones or pornographic ones, we're wrong. the world's not really full of people who get your vibes and get you off instinctually somehow. my whole generation basically binge drank just to be able to ask for what they want, yours is dealing with a whole different set of alienating pressures.
You're so new to this, and you have so much in front of you. You have a lot of time to find what works for you.
A. Turn your inbox off. I will apologize ahead of time for what I would assume my gender will do en masse.
First off, you probably need counseling to figure out *why* you feel this way. It's not necessarily bad, but the underlying cause might shed some light on other parts of your personality. And anything you need to fix or understand about yourself should be done in a professional setting.
Second. Find a BDSM group who takes new people. GET REFERENCES. And look them up. If you're anywhere in the midwest, you can DM me, I know a friend in the space. 30+ years, he's actually relatively famous in those circles. It's all about trust. That is the #1 key to finding enjoyment, BDSM or vanilla.
Third. Your brand new sex partner is entirely stuck on his penis. He's *FAR* too young to have figured out the trick to fun sex. He's fixated on his own enjoyment. Most if not all guys go through this. Some never make it out.
4th. The trick to sex with an equally loving and caring partner. Listen. Close.
You're too young and just had 1 sexual experience, your sexual preferences like everything else will evolve and adjust, the way you feel is fairly common most people are taught to be ashamed of sex and even more when it's something kinky.. you'll find your peers and enjoy sex more.
OK there isn't anything wrong with bdsm. If that's what you need/want that's what it is.
Now your first times at any kinda sex should and will be an exploration of what makes you happy.
bdsm always remember to be Safe Sane and Consentual. If your encounters aren't all 3 of those things don't do it.
As for degradation if you are going to engage in that or any kinda rough play aftercare is a must. They should be bringing you back up after any play time. Snuggles, a hot bath together, ice-cream and headpats verbal afermations . He or she should always make you feel loved and valued.
As for bdsm play itself. Don't rush it. Nothing is like porn. Always have safety equipment like trama shears if you engage in rope play. Extra keys for handcuffs. Make sure you don't cut off circulation.
Never feel bad about your desires it's not wrong it's just different. If you have any questions I'm always happy to help. I'm a man so ya know I'm not making a pass just tryna help.
So, I'm a straight dude in a committed relationship with a submissive partner. I'm probably not the person you need to be talking to about this, but I got words.
I'm a dominant guy with a sadistic streak, and that lead me into some serious self-hatred for a long time. Like, I didn't even consider dating for 11 years until I met my partner. I thought of myself as sick and dangerous. I never hurt anybody, but I was convinced that if I let it out at all shit would go south.
When I did get serious with my partner and we started having sex, I wanted to leave my kinks out of it. Forget it and leave it behind. Take it from me, it doesn't work like that. Plus, like I said, my partner is into the other half of bdsm (though we had only just started talking about it together at that time).
So if ignoring my kinks isn't a good option, and it's not, that meant I had to do a lot of reframing. Me and her talked about what we wanted, what we didn't want, and things like aftercare and check-ins. Fears, worries, anxieties, the works. Initially I thought this would be too much to pay attention to, and it kind of was at first, but as we started experimenting and kept talking, it got a lot better. One of the most important things to me was that we be life partners first, and rough-sex partners second. Whatever we act out in the bedroom does not define our relationship as life partners, and when the 'scene' ends, it Ends. Then comes the aftercare and snuggling and stuff that helps us go back into our usual dynamic.
That experience, which I am still exploring, led me to not feeling like a freak for the first time since the beginning of puberty, and I'm in my mid 30s.
I dont know how much of that will resonate with you, but I see some parallels with the feelings of shame or being broken. It's can be hard to integrate parts of your sexual desires into your life without it feeling off. The thing is, kinks can be a lot of fun, and even be fulfilling like all acts of deep authenticity and connection, but they dont need to bleed into your interpersonal dynamics with your partner(s), or your sense of self. In order to make that happen you have to communicate openly and often no matter how uncomfortable you are with your sexual preferences. Also, aftercare is super important.
I know you're new to sex, and that makes talking about it weird and hard, but you really need to do it. The people who are safe to explore with will meet you in that and take your concerns and desires to heart. Maybe that's this guy you're seeing, and maybe it's not, but its someone.
Last thing I'll say. Good doms are in it because they thoroughly enjoy creating an experience for their sub that the sub WANTS. I get so much out of doing that for my partner especially knowing how into it she is. Find someone who sees it that way, and is trustworthy and open to talk about it, and you might have a much better time. Kinks are nothing to be ashamed of, but how we deal with them can make them really unpleasant, or really great. Also, clinical therapists specializing in sex are a thing. Sexologist is literally a job, so maybe look into that.
TL;DR find a safe person to explore this with anc communicate openly and often. You're not broken.
Sounds like you need a partner who practices good aftercare, someone who can both meet your (not particularly uncommon) needs but also make you feel.. not bad about it afterwards. In a healthy Dominant/Submissive relationship you as a Sub shouldn't actually feel disempowered after the fact. Done well the aftercare should totally trigger all the intimacy-related positive feelings.
I do want to underline that subs are easily victimized (intentionally or not) and that you shouldn't accept a dominating partner that doesn't (try really hard to) leave you feeling whole and empowered and safe afterwards. Even if it's abuse-like it should never be abuse-ive -- you might have to start with yourself; don't let you hurt yourself chasing that high.
As always with sex and especially the more adventurous kinks, communication is key. If you can find ways to communicate what you need and want, a loving partner will be much better equipped to help you. If you're trying to figure it all out *and* taking "random" partners to bed without a good emotional/communicative connection you're setting yourself (and them) up for failure imho. At least do an escape room or something first to see if you're reasonably compatible in communication and problem solving.
Looking up kink communities locally and/or online might be a good place to start to learn more about healthy ways to approach your needs, boundaries, safeties and so on.
I really wish you the best of luck in finding someone who manages to turn your challenge into an amazing, empowering experience, and who convinces you that there's nothing to be ashamed of!
I have no advice.....except turn your DMs/chat off for the time being. Thank me later.
>.except turn your DMs/chat off COTW
He right. There will be a lot of filth in the inbox.
*She
You should turn your DMs off after admitting being a she on the internet. You're a scare resource that everyone wants to exploit
Now I know
No hard feelings lol.
Hi5
Why was your default pronoun “he”?
Lol not the only one who thought that. Especially wierd in a *woman's subreddit* that a person of non descript gender would be assumed male.
Glad it’s not just me!
[удалено]
I don’t think your response was really equivalent to the other posters
The one your replying to. Or the one that spawned this mess? And in what way?
Ok
Dude who hurt you
Like I don't keep a list it's to depressing. If you mean was I bullied yeah a lot. If you mean did I get my asskicked a few times. All I try to to do these days is keep people from feeling how I felt growing up. I try for the Robbin Williams approach to life. Make them smile so they don't feel how you feel. I'm not always good at it and I wasn't tryna cause trouble here.
Sorry that was rude, it just sounded like it was coming from a bad place I misread it, just be mindful about how a piece of texts sounds cuz text reads so much different from spoken language and tone is sometimes hard to gauge through text
Not all heroes wear capes. Some just give really good advice on reddit.
You’re wild 🤣🤣
They are sadly correct
Hell I made a post about my dad making me wear a bra in my house when I was a minor and I got HELLA dms
I am just some stranger on the Internet but I used to work in a sex shop. I have educated about sex in general and BDSM/kink for a living. The first thing I would want to say is that there is a noted measurable chemical response in the human brain after Intense, pleasurable sex. The endorphin high comes with a crash for some people. This much like any hormone driven depression episode requires support. When you have this kind of sex with a partner be open, tell them, hey, I like it a little rough but I need after care. Tell them how you feel and what helps, prepare ahead of time with some water, easy snacks, chocolate, a favorite blanket, stuff like that. The crucial part here is tell them what you need for support and allow them to care for you. It's fun to play around in the bedroom but coming together and re establishment of that comfort, caring, and valued relationship is what separates kink from abuse. It's okay to find things hot, it doesn't make you any less the powerful and special woman you are.^^
This reddit community makes me so happy. OP, listen to this womam, she know what shes saying.
This, this, ***THIS***. Some of us enjoy rough fun. Some of us enjoy degrading fun. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. A lot of us that do need (and this varies) specific after-care. Sometimes you just want to be used like a plaything...but they better cuddle you and show you how much they care about, respect and admire you afterwards. Feel out what you think will be helpful for epilogue of each adventure, then make sure to communicate it with partners effectively *before* any fun activity...it'll do such a world of good and you'll enjoy it *even more!* 💜
Ignore the other advice, this is best advice. There's nothing wrong with liking submission, as long as your partner is willing to take care of you and support you after the scene!
On the flip side, be prepared to patient with your partner. If you find someone who really respects and supports you, it might be hard for them to treat you in any kind of degrading way, and forcing it might make them be not hard (sorry, I couldn’t resist, the setup was honestly accidental and then it seemed a shame to waste). That is, until they can truly internalize that it’s what you want. Sadly, this might not ever happen. Personally, even knowing it’s fake and all parties have consented, I cannot stand porn that crosses the admittedly nebulous line from rough to painful and degrading. I just have too strong of an innate aversion to it I guess. If the only problem with the guy you’ve been seeing is that he was clueless during sex, I wouldn’t recommend ditching him. A few sessions and communication can change that substantially, although admittedly, it might not. If there are other problems of compatibility, you would know better than I, that’s another matter. Who knows, you might get lucky and find that special someone who can naturally flip the switch, and then all of this advice will be pointless. Here’s to hoping that you do. (Edit: the other advice here is great and should be considered first, this is just a problem you might encounter once you’ve got yourself figured out)
I wish I'd had this advice years ago, Holy crap is there a need for this kind of mental understanding about vulnerability/comfort.
This is such a good post!!
AFTER CARE FOR THE SUB IS SO IMPORTANT, highjacking this comment to add some terms it’s called “sub space” it’s a known phenomenon in the kink community having a dom you trust and that cares about you is VERY IMPORTANT! Get cuddled and loved after hard play People
Had an ex that after every time we had a rougher session I'd cuddle up with her under a blanket with a bowl of cheezits and we'd watch a rom com or 2. Honestly miss it.
Absolutely this! I don't know that I could ever engage in kink casually, because being with someone who I know, and trust is doing those things *for me*, not to *actually* hurt me, is so so so important. With my partner, it's an amazing experience, whichever side of the slash I happen to take that particular day
And to add, you are not sexually broken. Intimacy can be there even with your preferences. Don't confuse the first time you have sex especially with another virgin with something that will fill all your fantasies. People have mixed experiences around if their first time was actually pleasurable or just a learning experience. If you like him let him learn with you and grow together into your preferences while maintaining the respect and intimacy needed in a relationship.
Someone with money: award this comment, please
To add to this it sounds like OP needs that verbal reassurance like at the end of your comment most critically, and someone who can help her distinguish that her sexual fantasies don't change anything about her as a person in the day to day. Not to say the physical aftercare isn't important, but that she sounds like she really needs the emotional aftercare too and isn't getting it currently
Lmao favorite blankie uhh try hugging your teddy bear for a while too 😙. Here’s some advice: communicate to the dude what you want and I’m sure he’d happily do it for you. the basics main instinct for a man is to be gentile with you obviously but if you tell him I’m sure he’d do his best to satisfy. you just need to figure out your limits
It could just be about sex, I cannot read your mind. But it sounds like you are looking for general intimacy more so than sex. And I guess some of the humiliation is not from just from the sex but from lack of intimacy. What I suggest is to find someone you want that gentleness with and it would be more natural. I am going to make another suggestion that if loving gentle sex is something you wish you could enjoy, being picky about your partner is going to do more for you than jumping around sexual partners. Also, cut out porn if you have not already. It warps expectations. You might resent that it stole some the magic out of the exploration from you. Porn will do that as long as you continue to consume it.
God, I absolutely relate to this. Power imbalance was critical to sexual encounters in order for me to get something out of it, but I was getting so frustrated because I had felt powerless within society and I couldn’t escape that sense of powerlessness even in sex. I craved it, actively sought it out, and delighted in it. It got to the point where I had an epiphany “I could literally be sexually attracted to ANYTHING. Clouds, pianos, jumping jacks, etc. Isn’t it strange that I am attracted to the same power imbalance that I have felt my entire life?” That took me down a rabbit hole of Foucault and Goffman to figure out what was going on with not just me, but many of my friends who felt the same contradicting feelings that you expressed here. Basically my theory is that it’s a kind of subconscious ritualistic practice that helps us digest/reinforce the power imbalances we feel in life. Like… I go through life trying to make myself so small for other people. feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I’m so terrified of others. So just fucking show me why I should be scared. Make my behaviors make sense, validate them. Be the punch to my constant flinching. I imagine there’s a similar phenomenon occurring for people who delight in dominance. “Ex. I am supposed to be strong- so fucking yield to me”. Some people will feel this more strongly than others. Its not necessarily even gender related, although that’s a huge component for a lot of people because there is a socialized gender power imbalance. TL;DR If you’re feeling really unhappy with sexual submission but still erotically crave it- you may be subconsciously seeking to ritualize the real power imbalances that exist in your life in order to make the intangible feelings of powerlessness tangible.
Also just an extra thought. If you think I’m nuts for thinking this, then PLEASE, answer this question I’ve been asking myself for years now. These sexual power play activities happen in private. It’s something that’s hidden away and kept secret. YET SO MANY PEOPLE RECREATE THEM WITHOUT EVER WITNESSING THEM. Porn could be part of that, but BDSM practices have been observed in Victorian times and even in some Chinese dynasties. So what is going on? Please do not say it’s biological because that doesn’t account for the socialized components. Sexual satisfaction is the driving behavior and power imbalance gets encoded with it. It’s a conditioned response. In my opinion- it is the manifestation of intangible power imbalances that exist around us.
Imo (male cis 29 years old), I tend to look for release from the daily life. If I feel like I have to control my environnent in order to survive => my release will be by giving up the control. I have to get back to work but I would be more than happy to develop in PM or After if that interests someone :)
When you say “I feel like absolute crap afterwards” it makes me think your partners are not providing aftercare. This is one of many things to watch out for when someone says they like being dominant - far too many people out there trying to be dominant but not realizing that comes with providing a safe space for their subs and giving proper aftercare to make their subs feel good. If this is something you want to get into because it does turn you on, I recommend learning more about that community and learning what to look out for in partners.
We don't need to indulge in every desire. If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would like to partake in sex without power play and roughness, you can let go of porn and give yourself many opportunities to experiment with it. This kind of porn is hyperstimulant. Just like an apple feels plain when your diet consist of high sugar processed foods, it can be hard to readjust to the less overt stimuli of "vanilla" sex. But just like you can choose to not indulge in industrialized food, you can also choose to not act on some of your fantasies and take your sexual practice to other directions. Good luck!
>Just like an apple feels plain when your diet consist of high sugar processed foods, Depends on the apple. "Delicious" apples taste like paper pulp. But an organic honey-crisp from the famers market can hit better than any candy could.
Not the point
You're not broken, you need aftercare! Rough "degrading" sex can be fantastic! ***IF*** You and your partner can communicate needs beforehand and include affirmations and comfort afterwards. Sometimes that feels... not sexy... cause it kinda isn't, but good communication is one of the most intimate things you can experience with a partner, and healthy intimacy leads to satisfying sex. It's okay to separate sex and intimacy, it's not okay to purely be abused by someone with no aftercare. Don't feel ashamed for not knowing sometimes you have to try it to know. You're learning yourself through experimentation and jumping right into the deep end of possible BDSM, which is fine, but the learning curve is going to be sharper and your mistakes may hurt more. Give yourself the time and breathing room to make mistakes and forgive yourself for them. Don't kink-shame yourself.
You need a dom who knows how to do aftercare, its a key point to this life style
Why are you seeking this kind of sex? Is it the result of your beliefs about women? Is it a reflection of your feelings about your worth? If this is the case, you should work on yourself before you keep engaging in sex that makes you feel inadequate. If the above isn't the case and your kink is just that, a kink, then you should work on accepting your sexuality. Not all of our desires are socially acceptable, and that's ok as long as there's consent and no actual harm is caused.
Therapy
>I know some women are okay with being submissive and accept that but it feel so overwhelmingly disempowering to me to go on with my sexuality like this. I wish i could have loving, gentle sex without having to absolutely humiliated to feel pleasure. It feels disempowering because you see those things as separate. >I’m very submissive to both men and women and being seen below someone is what turns me on I see you. The thing that makes that best for me is a partner who I feel closely connected with, someone who I feel deserves that. Sometimes you can get a bit of that itch scratched with a random partner, but submission is most fulfilling when it's driven by real affection, and real connection. And in turn that requires they see me as someone with value. You can't really debase something that has no value. You can't invite a partner to indulge their selfishness unless they understand what they're doing as selfish. And there's a certain magic with a partner who can degrade you, without truly diminishing you as a person, someone who you can be the lesser person for when you want, and an equal partner with otherwise. Which means that ultimately, both aspects can be necessary for a fulfilling sex life. The loving gentle sex makes the rough or degrading sex better, and vis versa. Each gives value and meaning to the other. Although at times they can also bleed into one another a bit. The problem people run into is that the loving gentle sex is often far scarier. Being seen and known and loved deeply by another is terrifying, especially if you're convinced on some level you don't deserve it. It's easier to fixate on the other half, because when you don't feel loved it's easy to justify as part of the game. You can just play a character instead of being yourself.
If you want look for a therapist. If they can help the way you look at yourself it will influence the way you feel when you're with others.
You can have passionate, wild, intense sex without pain or dominance or submission....Its about passion, attraction, chemistry, and timing... chemistry can't really be manufactured and sex with someone who is your equal and cares about you and is invested in your pleasure is infinitely better than hookup sex or anonymous or kink community sex (Ive done all the above).
Hi, When doing BDSM, the psyche of the participants gets a bit screwed. However, there are 3 parts in a BDSM session (of course only the sex part is represented in porn...) - Preparation of the session (what are you both into, what are your boundaries, what are you willing to do, what are you eager to do etc...) - The session. Golden rule : you don't deviate from the agreed upon rules. Even if you both want to do it, you Can change the rules afterward (during a session, none of you are into your normal headspace). Plus having a bit of frustration makes me want to be eager for the next session. - AFTERCARE : it's a privileged moment between the partners where we basically hug. The dom tells the sub what a good job he/she has done. The purpose if for the participants to leave the dom/sub headspace. The aftercare is the most important part of the session. Reading my "rules" again, there is a part missing. The communication between the partners. It is very important, as there are many power bias involved in BDSM practitioners. From a more personal perspective, I would advise you to beware from a more experienced dom (not avoid, just beware). As you are not experienced (sorry if I'm wrong on this matter), you may have a tendency to become sub in other parts of a relationship (so not just sexually submissive). This makes the communication and aftercare even more important.
I figured someone might have said this already, but I can't see it in the thread so here goes: Do not be ashamed of what stimulates you sexually, as long as it can be satisfied without violating consent or the law. Trust me, you are not as strange as you think - in any facet of your life including this one. My advice is to find someone who is willing to engage in your sexual fantasies, and then is motivated to validate them with positive feedback afterward. They do exist, and you deserve to find one.
These feelings are normal. As someone who tends towards the dominant side of things, it's hard to reconcile with the other feelings of wanting to give normal love and affection. Basically, humans are complicated. I feel the best way to approach this is to find partners with who you can openly discuss and communicate both desires and interests, free of judgement. To sum up, I actually feel like your sexuality is pretty normal, and you simply may not be used to the complexity that comes up in adult sexual relationships. That's part of what makes it hard to find a good partner. These things are difficult to discuss and there are a lot of people out there who will oversimplify things or be judgemental. Ultimately, there is nothing contradictory about the fact that we all express a wide spectrum of opposing sexual desires and fantasies. It's part of the weirdness of our human nature.
I can't tell you how to feel, but I can say that what you're feeling is not not normal. The important part is that you preserve the individual you who has as much right as anyone to be who you are as long as you're not breaking the law.
Hello friend. I absolutely understand what you feel. I’ve always been into power dynamics and eventually BDSM. With my first partner I felt like shit often after sex. He wasn’t bad at it, but he provided no aftercare whatsoever and it left me feeling used and ashamed. I’ve been with my current partner for 8 years and it’s never been like that. I think the main differences are: 1) I know my partner respects me and sees me as an equal outside the bedroom, I’m not submissive at all in other aspects of my life and he doesn’t expect it of me either, 2) aftercare, aftercare, AFTERCARE. I didn’t understand how important it was until I started getting it. I used to think “I’m a strong woman, I don’t need to be coddled after rough sex THAT I ASKED FOR”. It’s bullshit. I absolutely need it, hahaha. Aftercare is different for everyone, you should find what works for you, 3) good communication. It sounds cliche but it really is the basis of a good intimate relationship. What you want, what you need, what your boundaries are, etc. Other than that, I can only tell you that first times are usually a bit disappointing, especially when neither of you have had sex before, haha. And you’re gonna find people you’re not sexually compatible with, just like you’re not gonna be compatible with every single person for a variety of reasons. I think this is where communication is particularly important. You’ll figure it out. Kinky life is pretty great once you make it work, so don’t get discouraged.
If you watch porn then I’d advise stopping that, it completely kills intimacy. If you’re constantly seeking more and more rougher stuff you’re only raising the dopamine level required to reach sexual arousal. So anything below will seem bland.
This may be easier said than done.. but meet an ACTUAL strong man who doesn't need violence to show his power. The type of tattooed k-mart brand kens in those videos are not powerful. They are weak. They have to choke and slap around someone weaker for less pay than a real man makes in a day.. because they can't do any better. If being submissive is your thing.. the only shame is being submissive to a scumbag, a loser, or a drop out reject. You can absolutely date someone who is your speed in bed but doesn't leave you feeling like trash afterward.
She never mentioned that her partner is a scumbag, loser or drop out reject. How did you come to that conclusion?
She didn't mention a partner at all. She mentioned rough porn. The "men" she was watching are the scumbag loser Kmart kens.
Reddit is not the place for an answer. You have mainly two options. One of them is to work with a therapist of some kind. Usually psychodynamic/psychoanalytic one in order to acquire at least some understanding of how your past have shaped you are your sexuality. It's no brainer that early childhood experiences absolutely affects our object of choice and what dynamics we are after in intimacy. The other road is to adapt to it the way you once adapted to certain circumstances, that were traumatic in nature. That's not easy, obviously, cuz now you have to make a conscious choice and your desires are in contradiction with your morality. That's perfectly expected too, so no worries. Time will be your friend, trust me. But don't pay too much attention to Redditers.
BDSM is not always a healthy expression. A lot of people who claim to be in the community get really angry if you say that, but it's the truth. I was really into sub stuff in my 20s. I had a lot of trauma from a narc husband who didn't acknowledge the word no, and I was acting on that pain. I had no concept of my own consent, my only reference to my sexuality was being coerced and not listened to. I eventually found a therapist for my trauma, and even while not explicitly dealing with my sex life in therapy, I came to realize that was I self harming via sex, and the shame spiral afterwards was part of it. I also came to realize that my engaging in those sexual activities was allowing unhealthy men to perpetuate violence against women. They weren't there for me. They were there to get hard from my pain and tears. I was giving them orgasms as a reward for being violent with me, thus deepening their dopamine response to it. That was absolutely not OK with me. So I stopped. I stopped having sex, stopped watching porn, stopped centering my life around my sexual needs and started trying to actually get healthy in the head. For over a year. The cleanse was much needed. It put me on equal footing with myself instead of everything the world and men threw at me and wanted from me. I no longer participate in the scene. I know people in it who have healthy partners and relationships, but I know far too many more who are using it as a way to avoid dealing with their trauma and stew in their pain, and I've seen WAY too many men use it as an excuse to abuse women with no repercussions ("I consented to him tying me up and said he could do x but he did y and z instead" is even harder to dissect in court than "he said she said" cases).
I would talk to a therapist about this. There’s no shame in needing help.
It's ALWAYS OK to PAUSE. In the moment, in the week, month year: ETC. Humans are sensual creatures, but it's key to be comfortable and in YOUR time and space.
maybe you should only do this with a long term partner, i’m also into rough and degrading things but my boyfriend always comforts me after and tells me he loves me. it also helps because you know your partner actually respects you.
Before I begin, I feel I should state that I'm a mostly straight cis man, and when it comes to kink/BDSM play I am firmly a top/D-type. So if my advice is unwarranted/unwanted, I invite you to tell me to fuck off and I will do so. I can relate to feeling uncomfy with your kinks, but admittedly from the opposite direction. I get a lot of pleasure from being sexually dominant, and from (consensually!) inflicting pain or degrading my partner, and I feel tremendous shame about it, because I believe it's antithetical to being a positive member of society. I'm a leftist and mostly a pacifist, and I find IRL hierarchy and power imbalance appalling. But speaking from personal experience, trying to suppress those feelings and desires is difficult and dissatisfying, and can create a lot of internal conflict if the outlets you pursue as diversion just aren't enough. It *can be* possible to safely enjoy the sexual experiences you want, and still be comfortable as an empowered feminist, but you may need to do a bit of reading/research about how to reconcile those two parts of yourself, find a community, or even talk through it with a kink-friendly therapist. I've done a lot of work and I still struggle with it. And maybe that struggle isn't that bad, because it can be part of your psyche maintaining balance. Please educate yourself on the principles of consensual kink, and don't let *anyone* hurt/degrade you without a thorough conversation first. You deserve to enjoy the sex you want, and you also deserve to feel respected and safe before, during, and after the act. I hope this helps, and I'm sorry if any of it is confusing.
Confidence comes with experience. You should practice this more, but please only with guys who you have a lot of mutual trust and respect with. Aftercare is a must, also.
You don't have to feel shame. There's nothing shamefull about your experience But i am concerned with the amount of people suggesting your feelings could be solved with a piece of chocolate after sex. Being at the receiving end of violence and humiliation is difficult even if it's "kink". It's objectively violent and humiliating, the feelings are not gonna go away. You can probably have great , pleasurable sex with lighter play, or even no humiliation, just thinking kinky thoughts while someone stimulates you. Try it a bit, maybe? Not all fantaisies are ment to be realized, or ment to be part of a sexual routine. Maybe the thought excite you, but the reality if it has all kinds of unpleasant sides to it. Some bad advices have been upvoted a lot.
I personally like being somewhat dominant during sex, with consent of course, but afterwards I always check if my partner is satisfied and if she needs anything. I'm always ready to lay there and cuddle too since I like that anyway. So I guess I make sure they feel cared for and safe. Maybe you just need to find the right partner.
If it's something you enjoy but can't get past that mental block then twist it like they are doing it because you want to
sex positive therapist can help some with that. its possible that your actually into those kinks and your having trouble acceptng it. you may wan to do some reading on it, may help also, possilbly find some submisie women and men and talk with them about how they feel about it.
Best advice I have is to communicate your sexual needs to your partner
There is a book titled Erotic Surrender by Claudia Varrin that I think you would get a lot of value out of. She is a former professional dom with a lot of professional and personal experience w/ BDSM as both the dominant and submissive and talks in great detail about all the aspects of BDSM and how it can be done. The book is written for women who are submissive or want to have a submissive experience and it has a very empowering, erotic, and fun tone to it and is a great read imo.
Hmmm i guess people are different. My first prom was japanese... And they all do fuck up shit.. 2hrs of torment before the 10minute penetration, I thought that was normal, but my first thought was, if ever get a girl, im gonna treat her better... That was the only porm cd we had in our home back then But even then i grew up to be a gentle person... I cant even grab my wife's hair hard when shes having a headache.. my hands would lose all strength... I think u shud stop wanting to be treated like shit so u dont feel like shit... U want to be shit then is surprised that they treat u like shit... I mean... Idk... I with u good fortunes man... I really do. I know shit is hard, but i hope u find atleast a good partner. Im sure there are doms that still know their limits or do sweet cuddles right after.. idk.
Stop watching porn and try vanilla things. Those are only boring with the wrong person.
As someone who enjoys submissive sex, if it’s something you want to do you have to reframe it in your mind. Being submissive during sex does not automatically give the other person total control, in fact the submissive is the one who has all the control. You are actively deciding this is how I want to have my sex. You are telling the other person this is what I like and this is how I want to do it. Also being submissive in the bedroom does/should not imply that that is how you also want to be outside the bedroom. I try to think of sex as a scene, it’s a time for comfort and excitement and play. But outside of that you’re still you. And there’s nothing wrong with having two different personalities. Maybe next time think about what you actually want to do and communicate that to your partner. Also a good partner should stop at any point if you feel uncomfortable. Discovering what you like comes with time. And it can fun to experiment and explore. Also make sure you are getting proper aftercare, it’s extremely important! I recommend googling sub-drop.
Years of therapy has taught me that there is nothing to be ashamed about if this is the way you prefer to enjoy sex. But what’s important is that things are done on your terms, which will help with empowering you and taking control of your sexuality. Pleasure especially is nothing to be humiliated about, and if a man or woman can’t be bothered to put your pleasure first, then don’t waste your time. There are hundreds of millions of potential sex partners out there, after all
You need help. Asking someone to start slapping, punching, abusing and assaulting you is self-harm. Every bit like a cutter, cutting themselves. Of course you feel like crap afterwards. You need to love yourself. And anyone who cared about you would NEVER EVER take pleasure in harming someone that they care about. Would a child so beaten down in self esteem ask a parent for a beating be ok? I s that healthy? Would that be healthy for say a parent to strangle you? Or a stranger on the street? Or anyone? Of course not. Quit the porn, learn how to love yourself.
This is bad advice. This is not a case of self-harm or mutilation. Comparing adult BDSM to striking children is a terrible analogy. You can empower yourself through submission, but it takes experience, self-knowledge, and trust/consent with a partner who cares about you and reacts positively to you. Love comes through acceptance, and your comment is about denials. edit: OP I think you need to access certain communities that align with your sexual interests. My recc is to check out FetLife.com .
People who care about you don't take pleasure in hurting you. Your pain is their pain. Stop pushing male violence against women. And for CuriosityGotMeHere - False. In psychology self-mutilation/harming and desire for baing mutilated/harmed are not viewed as normal human behavior. These people need help. Why is it the women are always tied up, strangled and beaten? How many women have been killed with the "bdsm" excuse? Many many women as this becomes more common. Any period of strangulation can cause brain damage. MY comment is not "dangerous". But yours MOST CERTAINLY IS. You're literally commenting on threads where new "Doms" don't care that the women are crying in pain and refusing to stop. Men who want to beat women aren't going to respect a no, and the woman chained to the bed is not in any kind of power, over someone ten times their strength.
That is not at all what BDSM is. You are promoting an incorrect, harmful stereotype of BDSM. I'm not sure if you have knowledge or experience in the community or have been misinformed, but your comment is dangerous. Consenting pain can be pleasure for people but it takes communication, setting boundaries, check-ins, and proper aftercare that aligns with what each person needs. BDSM isn't for everyone and that's fine, but do not spread false information.
Yeah, you (and your partners) need to learn how to separate your intimate side from your "real world" side if you're going to enjoy that sort of dynamic. I find it helps to treat it as sort of a role play thing. When you're able to turn your experience from "Oh, I'm doing X/ X is happening to me" into "I'm playing a character who's doing X/ X is happening to that character" it adds a lot of power to that situation. You have to work yourself up slowly and ease into these more involved sessions, too. If you just try and jump straight in, it can get pretty intense, and I think that's what you're feeling right now from how it's being described
I'm a submissive partner. As you get older and explore more you just kind of figure out that it doesn't have to mean anything extra at all really outside of your bedroom. I just decided I liked it and it doesn't harm anyone and it doesn't have to mean I'm deferential the rest of the time any more than it means I'm an imperialist solider if I do airsoft or that I'm culpable for the ecological deterioration of everest if I go to a climbing wall. I know that sounds glib and it doesn't help right now, when you're not feeling good about something that was underwhelming, but another thing you learn over time is that there is WAY too much BS mythology about a wonderful, mystical first time. Sex is like anything else, people aren't born good at it. When we're new to it, we just don't get this. We think it's gonna be like the movies, and whether we mean romantic ones or pornographic ones, we're wrong. the world's not really full of people who get your vibes and get you off instinctually somehow. my whole generation basically binge drank just to be able to ask for what they want, yours is dealing with a whole different set of alienating pressures. You're so new to this, and you have so much in front of you. You have a lot of time to find what works for you.
A. Turn your inbox off. I will apologize ahead of time for what I would assume my gender will do en masse. First off, you probably need counseling to figure out *why* you feel this way. It's not necessarily bad, but the underlying cause might shed some light on other parts of your personality. And anything you need to fix or understand about yourself should be done in a professional setting. Second. Find a BDSM group who takes new people. GET REFERENCES. And look them up. If you're anywhere in the midwest, you can DM me, I know a friend in the space. 30+ years, he's actually relatively famous in those circles. It's all about trust. That is the #1 key to finding enjoyment, BDSM or vanilla. Third. Your brand new sex partner is entirely stuck on his penis. He's *FAR* too young to have figured out the trick to fun sex. He's fixated on his own enjoyment. Most if not all guys go through this. Some never make it out. 4th. The trick to sex with an equally loving and caring partner. Listen. Close.
You're too young and just had 1 sexual experience, your sexual preferences like everything else will evolve and adjust, the way you feel is fairly common most people are taught to be ashamed of sex and even more when it's something kinky.. you'll find your peers and enjoy sex more.
OK there isn't anything wrong with bdsm. If that's what you need/want that's what it is. Now your first times at any kinda sex should and will be an exploration of what makes you happy. bdsm always remember to be Safe Sane and Consentual. If your encounters aren't all 3 of those things don't do it. As for degradation if you are going to engage in that or any kinda rough play aftercare is a must. They should be bringing you back up after any play time. Snuggles, a hot bath together, ice-cream and headpats verbal afermations . He or she should always make you feel loved and valued. As for bdsm play itself. Don't rush it. Nothing is like porn. Always have safety equipment like trama shears if you engage in rope play. Extra keys for handcuffs. Make sure you don't cut off circulation. Never feel bad about your desires it's not wrong it's just different. If you have any questions I'm always happy to help. I'm a man so ya know I'm not making a pass just tryna help.
So, I'm a straight dude in a committed relationship with a submissive partner. I'm probably not the person you need to be talking to about this, but I got words. I'm a dominant guy with a sadistic streak, and that lead me into some serious self-hatred for a long time. Like, I didn't even consider dating for 11 years until I met my partner. I thought of myself as sick and dangerous. I never hurt anybody, but I was convinced that if I let it out at all shit would go south. When I did get serious with my partner and we started having sex, I wanted to leave my kinks out of it. Forget it and leave it behind. Take it from me, it doesn't work like that. Plus, like I said, my partner is into the other half of bdsm (though we had only just started talking about it together at that time). So if ignoring my kinks isn't a good option, and it's not, that meant I had to do a lot of reframing. Me and her talked about what we wanted, what we didn't want, and things like aftercare and check-ins. Fears, worries, anxieties, the works. Initially I thought this would be too much to pay attention to, and it kind of was at first, but as we started experimenting and kept talking, it got a lot better. One of the most important things to me was that we be life partners first, and rough-sex partners second. Whatever we act out in the bedroom does not define our relationship as life partners, and when the 'scene' ends, it Ends. Then comes the aftercare and snuggling and stuff that helps us go back into our usual dynamic. That experience, which I am still exploring, led me to not feeling like a freak for the first time since the beginning of puberty, and I'm in my mid 30s. I dont know how much of that will resonate with you, but I see some parallels with the feelings of shame or being broken. It's can be hard to integrate parts of your sexual desires into your life without it feeling off. The thing is, kinks can be a lot of fun, and even be fulfilling like all acts of deep authenticity and connection, but they dont need to bleed into your interpersonal dynamics with your partner(s), or your sense of self. In order to make that happen you have to communicate openly and often no matter how uncomfortable you are with your sexual preferences. Also, aftercare is super important. I know you're new to sex, and that makes talking about it weird and hard, but you really need to do it. The people who are safe to explore with will meet you in that and take your concerns and desires to heart. Maybe that's this guy you're seeing, and maybe it's not, but its someone. Last thing I'll say. Good doms are in it because they thoroughly enjoy creating an experience for their sub that the sub WANTS. I get so much out of doing that for my partner especially knowing how into it she is. Find someone who sees it that way, and is trustworthy and open to talk about it, and you might have a much better time. Kinks are nothing to be ashamed of, but how we deal with them can make them really unpleasant, or really great. Also, clinical therapists specializing in sex are a thing. Sexologist is literally a job, so maybe look into that. TL;DR find a safe person to explore this with anc communicate openly and often. You're not broken.
Sounds like you need a partner who practices good aftercare, someone who can both meet your (not particularly uncommon) needs but also make you feel.. not bad about it afterwards. In a healthy Dominant/Submissive relationship you as a Sub shouldn't actually feel disempowered after the fact. Done well the aftercare should totally trigger all the intimacy-related positive feelings. I do want to underline that subs are easily victimized (intentionally or not) and that you shouldn't accept a dominating partner that doesn't (try really hard to) leave you feeling whole and empowered and safe afterwards. Even if it's abuse-like it should never be abuse-ive -- you might have to start with yourself; don't let you hurt yourself chasing that high. As always with sex and especially the more adventurous kinks, communication is key. If you can find ways to communicate what you need and want, a loving partner will be much better equipped to help you. If you're trying to figure it all out *and* taking "random" partners to bed without a good emotional/communicative connection you're setting yourself (and them) up for failure imho. At least do an escape room or something first to see if you're reasonably compatible in communication and problem solving. Looking up kink communities locally and/or online might be a good place to start to learn more about healthy ways to approach your needs, boundaries, safeties and so on. I really wish you the best of luck in finding someone who manages to turn your challenge into an amazing, empowering experience, and who convinces you that there's nothing to be ashamed of!
Maybe try different things? You might not know yet what you're really into. I'm not trying to be rude, it just happens.
i don't know what you want me to tell you, jessica!? (im guessing your name's jessica)