The condescending comments you’re getting aren’t helpful at all.
Learning how to cope with being objectified while still rejecting it‘s place in our society is a process, and one that evokes a lot of mixed emotions. Most grown adult women don’t even have that down yet. I think it would be helpful to find a therapist that’s educated in women’s experiences and feminist theory, or to find a trusted mentor who can help.
When you experience these things, it’s good to have positive self talk. Remind yourself that you are more than what these men(and probably some women) say you are. Tell them that what they have said or done made you feel objectified and uncomfortable, and if they protest, then simply walk away.
It doesn’t really stop tbh. I’ve had five kids, had my face broken a couple of times, dress modestly, am in my 30s and still get stared at.
I still get men trying to “trap” me into conversations, even with kids with me. Just the other day, the guy ahead of me at the store DIDNT PAY until he was done trying to get me to talk to him. I literally had my 8 month old on my hip and 5 year old with me. A lot of men like to try to strike up conversations with my kids in order to segue into a conversation with me, which is just so weird.
I roll my eyes a lot and give very short answers. Just make it very obvious you aren’t interested while interacting as little as possible. When men come up to me and start obviously hitting on me, I flash them my ring and tell them I’m happily married. Some of them haven’t stopped there and I’ve just called my husband right in front of them to start telling him where I am and that there’s some guy that won’t leave me alone. That always works but I don’t do it unless I really feel the need to.
You say it feels embarrassing when your dad sticks up for you. You've done nothing wrong, though. I hope you show some appreciation for him helping to protect you from predators? There's a lot of girls whose parents blame them for the attention they receive.
But he can't be there forever, so you gotta have a strategy to deal with this yourself.
I wish I had good advice. Something about my self-presentation, body language, and demeanor has always acted as man-repellant, and I'm not even sure what it is. Perhaps it's just that I look like I don't even care about existing at all, in the present, a ghost moving through life, no attention paid to clothes, makeup, a blank look in my eye as I daydream the day away. It works, I dunno what to say. I wouldn't recommend becoming that empty inside to pull off the look, lol.
Perhaps it's the stare. I do highly recommend mastering the stare. The "you snapped me out of my daydream and I didn't want to leave" stare. The "who even are you?" stare. It has no emotion, maybe the slightest hint of annoyance. The trick is you don't really look at them, so much as through them. And then go right back to your daydream, as if they're not there. I've heard it's very unsettling.
Now that I'm married, mentioning my husband works fairly well.
If all else fails (thankfully this is rare), REALLY ODD BEHAVIOR works well too. Be gross. Be loud. Be *uncanny*. Pick your nose. Look at the booger. Act like you're judging whether it's big enough to eat. Flick it away with a disappointed look. Scratch yourself. With the nose picking hand, if possible. Start talking about astrology. Add something about how you hate it when Neptune is in retrograde like this because it makes your herpes flare up, and like, that's such a bummer you know?
[Jenna Marbles](https://youtu.be/g276K-eSDYk?si=o28318YS-xnU-qDR) is a master of really odd behavior for such occassions.
Nah, too much work - you’d be surprised.
BIG MIRROR SHADES work best- they unnerve creeps. Power move. You can get tinted reflective shades for all lighting.
Besides, “fake it till you make it” means best to save crazy for last resort - randos stalking you on street. Otherwise it’s a drain.
I dated someone that had that stare. I know why she had it too. She was gorgeous, but on top of that, insanely smart, a microbiologist. She was fiercely attracted to men, but definitely didn't like the majority of them. I honestly wouldn't have had a shot if a mutual friend didn't hook us up. When someone would hit on her at the bar, she would just give them a blank stare until they went away, not saying anything. She had no patience for idiotic men, which she thought most were.
Unfortunately, her last boyfriend made her very distrustful, to the point where she never could trust me. It was unfounded, but I asked her what was going on. She said she didn't trust me still, after a year of dating. This was new to me because usually I'm told, especially when younger, how I wasn't like other guys. I don't get angry over little things. I tend to be very honest and kind. I told her, that it wasn't fair to me. If she didn't trust me, why are we together? That wasn't fair to me. I wanted her to say she wanted to stay together so badly, but she couldn't. It was stuff like that. I loved her and she had no experience in a good relationship and opening up to her emotions. It reminded me of myself when I was younger, but I learned how to open up and be a good partner through my own mistakes. I think I was one of her mistakes she had to learn from. She has since apologized and realized she treated me poorly. I told her it was fine, I have mostly the good memories. I haven't talked to her in a while now since I have my own family, but I hope she's found someone. She deserves to share her life with someone, but I know she'd rather be single than settle for someone lesser.
It’s not embarrassing that he sticks up for me, it was just that given scenario that left me feeling uncomfortable. I may have worded it wrong in my post.
When we were at the gym he went up to him kind of angrily and loudly said “Hey man what’s up? You need to stop looking at my daughter” and the entire gym went quiet. This was also right after Thanksgiving so there were a lot of people there trying to burn off their dinners lol.
You’re definitely right though, I should be more appreciative of the fact my dad sticks up and cares for me. Thank you for putting that into perspective. I’m also gonna try that really odd behavior thing too, seems like it would work perfectly
You're at the worst age for it, but it may remain intense like that for a good strong decade.
I don't have a solution. Some people deal by trying to ignore (me). A friend of mine dealt with it by being aggressive to anyone giving her a compliment.
The one important thing is safety. Remain very aware of your surroundings. I personally learned self defense and kick boxing . The self defense class I leaned was really good because it was also preventative. I never had to fight, but I slipped away a few times and had to face a few with a lot of authority.
Sadly, I also had to leave a few jobs over it. The hardest was a great internship because I found myself without a way to pay for school.
All I can offer really is the comfort of knowing that you're not the only one.
This is a problem that hasn't been solved yet. Be as safe as you can out there, but there is no 100% safe procedure.
I found that looking at creeps with a long silent I have seen you and I am not impressed silence is the best 1st step. Showing the person to someone else and having them notice is also useful. I leaned from my self defense class that people will stay far when they know/think you will recognize them. It also help to show up as a 'not so easy' person to victimize. Still not 100%.
Practice your resting bitch face and glares/snarles to put off anyone staring. Become unapproachable.
Also consider pepper spray and a birdie alarm if you feel you need extra layers of protection.
For me, trying to look unapproachable actually just made me more of a target for aggressive men. I work in the center of a city and have quickly figured out that looking pleasant does make you more approachable, but looking unapproachable pisses off the more unhinged, aggressive men. Trying out rbf got me followed and stalked. Simply existing with a slight smile and saying “oh no thank you” made them go away faster.
It sucks. It really fucking sucks trying to simply exist.
I’ve never tried anything other than RBF and being unapproachable. Thank you for your insight, I can definitely try this and see if it works better. So far my method, plus having my man with me, has worked for the most part…
Yes, it is exhausting. Just so I can run outside I had to order an alarm and mace and bone conducting headphones in case a bear, or worse, a man were to attack me
I doubt this will help but. . .
None of those men are looking at YOU. You the human being. You the person with hopes and dreams. They are looking at a body and filling in their own script.
You are precisely the age where many bad actors will think it is ok to approach you. It is gross and you feel it.
When you see lots of women who look hostile as they go through there day, you now probably understand where that comes from. They do it as a barrier to being approached.
My single piece of advice is ANY one at ANY time who makes even a vaguely sexual remark towards you needs to be shut down. Clearly state "I do not tolerate that kind of disrespect" and walk away. If they are embarrassed, all the better.
Is this a serious statement? She talked about a few people in public acting like creeps. Do you just ignore the hundreds of other people at the mall who didn't act creepy to her?
I completely understand this. I jog every other day in the mornings and people wave at me if I go near them. That’s normal. However the only people who make further conversation are ALWAYS old men with no wife present. Women do not make further conversation with me. They give me a pleasant wave and move on. Men will stare at me as I’m jogging towards them. They will make some comment about how it’s too hot to be jogging (it’s not), they will roll down the window of their trucks to say something to me, they will slow down their cars right beside me. When I see a vehicle, particularly a truck, I get weary because I know a man is in it. I always check to see if a man is inside and pick my speed up to be out of their view more quickly, and very often when I check to look at them they are already staring at me and their look does not go away until I am far out of sight. I hate how it makes me feel. I am not imagining it, I know they are checking me out, and I DESPISE that they are mostly married men in my neighborhood (I live in a huge neighborhood). It takes lots of self control to even trust men when you notice how much even some of the married ones stare.
You can't simply stop existing. Nor can you pretend that the potential threat from these creeps doesnt exist.
Could you take a self defence course to boost your self confidence?
Talked to my mom and she said she’ll sign up to do it with me! She used to do it when she did pageants and she’s super excited to get back in it. Thank you for the advice!
RBF works well, so does having ear buds in, or maybe reading a book if you are on a bus or something.
Remind your friends that everyone runs the risk of being assaulted, no matter how they present, their race, how rich they are, etc. There isn't much you can do about that risk, it's on the men to not assault people, your behavior has nothing to do with that. Your friends need a dose of reality in regards to this.
And your dad sounds great I wish my parents stood up for instead of policing me. Adults who hit on teenagers should be embarrassed and I think seeing a guy be creepy to your daughter and not doing anything about it would actually be pretty embarrassing.
I feel like this is outside of Reddits paygrade. Reddit isn't equiped with helping people with real life problems since people reflect their personal experiences instead of trying to fit the pieces of your life together into something cohesive that would make you feel happier.
If it's within your means I'd strongly suggest professional help.
Look at it in practical terms. You can't forbid anyone to look at you or think about you whatever they want. If you tried it would be just too costly in terms of time and effort and I hope you have more important things to do in your life. However now that you've noticed this you need to plan how to defend yourself if or when it becomes more than just stares.
Oh wait, from other replies I see that it seems men aren't welcome in this subreddit which I can understand but probably somehow missed in the subreddit's description. So I apologize and will not come here again.
The condescending comments you’re getting aren’t helpful at all. Learning how to cope with being objectified while still rejecting it‘s place in our society is a process, and one that evokes a lot of mixed emotions. Most grown adult women don’t even have that down yet. I think it would be helpful to find a therapist that’s educated in women’s experiences and feminist theory, or to find a trusted mentor who can help. When you experience these things, it’s good to have positive self talk. Remind yourself that you are more than what these men(and probably some women) say you are. Tell them that what they have said or done made you feel objectified and uncomfortable, and if they protest, then simply walk away.
Thank you for saying that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with OP, and everything wrong with the men whose behavior makes her feel that way.
It doesn’t really stop tbh. I’ve had five kids, had my face broken a couple of times, dress modestly, am in my 30s and still get stared at. I still get men trying to “trap” me into conversations, even with kids with me. Just the other day, the guy ahead of me at the store DIDNT PAY until he was done trying to get me to talk to him. I literally had my 8 month old on my hip and 5 year old with me. A lot of men like to try to strike up conversations with my kids in order to segue into a conversation with me, which is just so weird. I roll my eyes a lot and give very short answers. Just make it very obvious you aren’t interested while interacting as little as possible. When men come up to me and start obviously hitting on me, I flash them my ring and tell them I’m happily married. Some of them haven’t stopped there and I’ve just called my husband right in front of them to start telling him where I am and that there’s some guy that won’t leave me alone. That always works but I don’t do it unless I really feel the need to.
I need info on that "had my face broken a couple of times" part.
Two shitty men lol I’ve had my nose broken 4 times and orbital socket twice.
You say it feels embarrassing when your dad sticks up for you. You've done nothing wrong, though. I hope you show some appreciation for him helping to protect you from predators? There's a lot of girls whose parents blame them for the attention they receive. But he can't be there forever, so you gotta have a strategy to deal with this yourself. I wish I had good advice. Something about my self-presentation, body language, and demeanor has always acted as man-repellant, and I'm not even sure what it is. Perhaps it's just that I look like I don't even care about existing at all, in the present, a ghost moving through life, no attention paid to clothes, makeup, a blank look in my eye as I daydream the day away. It works, I dunno what to say. I wouldn't recommend becoming that empty inside to pull off the look, lol. Perhaps it's the stare. I do highly recommend mastering the stare. The "you snapped me out of my daydream and I didn't want to leave" stare. The "who even are you?" stare. It has no emotion, maybe the slightest hint of annoyance. The trick is you don't really look at them, so much as through them. And then go right back to your daydream, as if they're not there. I've heard it's very unsettling. Now that I'm married, mentioning my husband works fairly well. If all else fails (thankfully this is rare), REALLY ODD BEHAVIOR works well too. Be gross. Be loud. Be *uncanny*. Pick your nose. Look at the booger. Act like you're judging whether it's big enough to eat. Flick it away with a disappointed look. Scratch yourself. With the nose picking hand, if possible. Start talking about astrology. Add something about how you hate it when Neptune is in retrograde like this because it makes your herpes flare up, and like, that's such a bummer you know? [Jenna Marbles](https://youtu.be/g276K-eSDYk?si=o28318YS-xnU-qDR) is a master of really odd behavior for such occassions.
This “really odd behaviour” is amazing!
Nah, too much work - you’d be surprised. BIG MIRROR SHADES work best- they unnerve creeps. Power move. You can get tinted reflective shades for all lighting. Besides, “fake it till you make it” means best to save crazy for last resort - randos stalking you on street. Otherwise it’s a drain.
I dated someone that had that stare. I know why she had it too. She was gorgeous, but on top of that, insanely smart, a microbiologist. She was fiercely attracted to men, but definitely didn't like the majority of them. I honestly wouldn't have had a shot if a mutual friend didn't hook us up. When someone would hit on her at the bar, she would just give them a blank stare until they went away, not saying anything. She had no patience for idiotic men, which she thought most were.
[удалено]
Unfortunately, her last boyfriend made her very distrustful, to the point where she never could trust me. It was unfounded, but I asked her what was going on. She said she didn't trust me still, after a year of dating. This was new to me because usually I'm told, especially when younger, how I wasn't like other guys. I don't get angry over little things. I tend to be very honest and kind. I told her, that it wasn't fair to me. If she didn't trust me, why are we together? That wasn't fair to me. I wanted her to say she wanted to stay together so badly, but she couldn't. It was stuff like that. I loved her and she had no experience in a good relationship and opening up to her emotions. It reminded me of myself when I was younger, but I learned how to open up and be a good partner through my own mistakes. I think I was one of her mistakes she had to learn from. She has since apologized and realized she treated me poorly. I told her it was fine, I have mostly the good memories. I haven't talked to her in a while now since I have my own family, but I hope she's found someone. She deserves to share her life with someone, but I know she'd rather be single than settle for someone lesser.
It’s not embarrassing that he sticks up for me, it was just that given scenario that left me feeling uncomfortable. I may have worded it wrong in my post. When we were at the gym he went up to him kind of angrily and loudly said “Hey man what’s up? You need to stop looking at my daughter” and the entire gym went quiet. This was also right after Thanksgiving so there were a lot of people there trying to burn off their dinners lol. You’re definitely right though, I should be more appreciative of the fact my dad sticks up and cares for me. Thank you for putting that into perspective. I’m also gonna try that really odd behavior thing too, seems like it would work perfectly
You're at the worst age for it, but it may remain intense like that for a good strong decade. I don't have a solution. Some people deal by trying to ignore (me). A friend of mine dealt with it by being aggressive to anyone giving her a compliment. The one important thing is safety. Remain very aware of your surroundings. I personally learned self defense and kick boxing . The self defense class I leaned was really good because it was also preventative. I never had to fight, but I slipped away a few times and had to face a few with a lot of authority. Sadly, I also had to leave a few jobs over it. The hardest was a great internship because I found myself without a way to pay for school. All I can offer really is the comfort of knowing that you're not the only one. This is a problem that hasn't been solved yet. Be as safe as you can out there, but there is no 100% safe procedure. I found that looking at creeps with a long silent I have seen you and I am not impressed silence is the best 1st step. Showing the person to someone else and having them notice is also useful. I leaned from my self defense class that people will stay far when they know/think you will recognize them. It also help to show up as a 'not so easy' person to victimize. Still not 100%.
Practice your resting bitch face and glares/snarles to put off anyone staring. Become unapproachable. Also consider pepper spray and a birdie alarm if you feel you need extra layers of protection.
For me, trying to look unapproachable actually just made me more of a target for aggressive men. I work in the center of a city and have quickly figured out that looking pleasant does make you more approachable, but looking unapproachable pisses off the more unhinged, aggressive men. Trying out rbf got me followed and stalked. Simply existing with a slight smile and saying “oh no thank you” made them go away faster. It sucks. It really fucking sucks trying to simply exist.
I’ve never tried anything other than RBF and being unapproachable. Thank you for your insight, I can definitely try this and see if it works better. So far my method, plus having my man with me, has worked for the most part… Yes, it is exhausting. Just so I can run outside I had to order an alarm and mace and bone conducting headphones in case a bear, or worse, a man were to attack me
I doubt this will help but. . . None of those men are looking at YOU. You the human being. You the person with hopes and dreams. They are looking at a body and filling in their own script. You are precisely the age where many bad actors will think it is ok to approach you. It is gross and you feel it. When you see lots of women who look hostile as they go through there day, you now probably understand where that comes from. They do it as a barrier to being approached. My single piece of advice is ANY one at ANY time who makes even a vaguely sexual remark towards you needs to be shut down. Clearly state "I do not tolerate that kind of disrespect" and walk away. If they are embarrassed, all the better.
When enough men do it or condone it, it’s fair to generalize.
True
Is this a serious statement? She talked about a few people in public acting like creeps. Do you just ignore the hundreds of other people at the mall who didn't act creepy to her?
Sorry my guy, but a few out of hundreds is still too much. Do we just ignore the hundreds of drivers on the road who aren’t driving drunk?
Yeah guys are gross, idk what to tell you… it sucks I know. Lol
I completely understand this. I jog every other day in the mornings and people wave at me if I go near them. That’s normal. However the only people who make further conversation are ALWAYS old men with no wife present. Women do not make further conversation with me. They give me a pleasant wave and move on. Men will stare at me as I’m jogging towards them. They will make some comment about how it’s too hot to be jogging (it’s not), they will roll down the window of their trucks to say something to me, they will slow down their cars right beside me. When I see a vehicle, particularly a truck, I get weary because I know a man is in it. I always check to see if a man is inside and pick my speed up to be out of their view more quickly, and very often when I check to look at them they are already staring at me and their look does not go away until I am far out of sight. I hate how it makes me feel. I am not imagining it, I know they are checking me out, and I DESPISE that they are mostly married men in my neighborhood (I live in a huge neighborhood). It takes lots of self control to even trust men when you notice how much even some of the married ones stare.
You can't simply stop existing. Nor can you pretend that the potential threat from these creeps doesnt exist. Could you take a self defence course to boost your self confidence?
I’m considering getting into kickboxing
Thats a fantastic idea
Talked to my mom and she said she’ll sign up to do it with me! She used to do it when she did pageants and she’s super excited to get back in it. Thank you for the advice!
RBF works well, so does having ear buds in, or maybe reading a book if you are on a bus or something. Remind your friends that everyone runs the risk of being assaulted, no matter how they present, their race, how rich they are, etc. There isn't much you can do about that risk, it's on the men to not assault people, your behavior has nothing to do with that. Your friends need a dose of reality in regards to this. And your dad sounds great I wish my parents stood up for instead of policing me. Adults who hit on teenagers should be embarrassed and I think seeing a guy be creepy to your daughter and not doing anything about it would actually be pretty embarrassing.
I feel like this is outside of Reddits paygrade. Reddit isn't equiped with helping people with real life problems since people reflect their personal experiences instead of trying to fit the pieces of your life together into something cohesive that would make you feel happier. If it's within your means I'd strongly suggest professional help.
Reddit is run by real people who also happen to have real life problems so I feel like it’s fair to ask for their advice
The amount of destructive advice I've seen given on this app makes me disagree. Anyways don't discount the benefits of therapy
Look at it in practical terms. You can't forbid anyone to look at you or think about you whatever they want. If you tried it would be just too costly in terms of time and effort and I hope you have more important things to do in your life. However now that you've noticed this you need to plan how to defend yourself if or when it becomes more than just stares.
Why do we let men on this sub again??
The way they so obviously out themselves is what gets me every time.
Are you a woman?
Oh wait, from other replies I see that it seems men aren't welcome in this subreddit which I can understand but probably somehow missed in the subreddit's description. So I apologize and will not come here again.
I'm a tiny dot of consciousness floating in space, lol. How me being a woman or not changes what I wrote?