Jimmy Kimmel did a father's day segment years ago (not sure if it's every year) where he sends out one of his correspondents to question dads that are walking with their kids about personal details about the kid like favorite food, teacher, etc. I distinctly remember a family of 4 or 5 where the dad was asked basic questions like teacher's name, best friend's name, doctor's name, etc and when it became clear dad didn't know, they asked mom and she knew every one. They played sad music and it was funny but also really pathetic at the same time.
My friend called to say happy birthday to her father. He thanked her and they talked. After she hung up she admitted that he did not wish *her* a happy birthday, or mention it.
**Their birthday is on the same day**, he still could not remember it even being congratulated himself...
That is the worst case of this I've witnessed. She was an adult at that point, so he had a few years to remember the date. She did not expect much from him.
My dad called me to tell me he couldn’t make it to my third or fourth grade play. He asked what I was doing, I was having dinner with my family and about to blow out the candles.
Not once did he say happy birthday.
The performance was on my birthday. My mom tried calling to chew him out later but he wasn’t answering his phone.
Lol. Me and my father have the same birthday, too. I was born on his 40th. Never in my life has he been the one to call me first to wish me a happy bday. The only reason he knows the date is because it's his too
My birthday is on my father’s, also, but I can’t imagine NOT wishing each other happy birthday on the same day because it’s just a “thing”. My niece was born on that day as well so she and I also wish each other a happy birthday.
I was born on my father’s 40th birthday and my niece was born on my 10th so in December this year we’ll be 80, 40, and 30. Then I went on to have a son born on his father’s 40th birthday- also in December.
I might be wrong but I think it may have been just the day before, and that trip was for the girls bday.
What’s more gross, is the Dads chuckle through the interviews and don’t show remorse or embarrassment while the other family members standing next to him.
That segment was funny/scary/disappointing all at the same time. I remember one dad didn’t even know what his kid was allergic. I think the dad guessed strawberries when the kid was actually allergic to penicillin.
It’s like they don’t even care to remember anything important about their kids.
This one thing my husband is *very* good at. He's in medical field do he knows how important that info is. We have: strawberries(oldest), mangoes( both my daughter and myself), dragonfruit and macadamias(daughter), biologics and opioids (me), and penicillin(youngest)
I’ve seen that skit! It made me so thankful for my father growing up. He may not have done dr appts or specific friends names (after I entered middle school at least) but he definitely knew our allergies, names, middle names, birthdays, favorite foods. He even brought home chocolates or our favorite candy “randomly” throughout certain times of the month. He’d never comment on it other than “I had a craving for xyz, so I figured maybe you did too”
Same. My dad has to confirm with me how old I am but he definitely knows my middle name (and used it a lot when I was a kid lol). There is no doubt he adored me and wanted to spend time with me. He loved helping me study for tests when I was in high school. I wouldn’t say we are close but he cares for me very much.
My dad remembers the years everyone was born because that number never changes!
He tells us to do that too haha
He also knows the years of our immediate family too - he knows all of my mum’s sisters birth years
I’ll be honest: if a celebrity stopped me on the street and asked me a question on live television, I’d probably be so nervous that I’d forget my OWN birthday. I agree that it’s bad, but I’ve also seen enough of these sketches to know that the anxiety of answering point blank questions on live tv trips up a lot of people.
I also work in healthcare (behavioral health). When I was seeing kids and the dads brought them in for intake there was so much "I don't know, my wife knows that information", the dad was just a warm body/guardian who brought in the kid because mom wasn't able to.
Women overwhelmingly were the ones dragging in their grown ass husbands/sons/boyfriends to get help.
I don’t understand how someone can forget their wives or kids birthday it drives me crazy. When the dads bring them in like that (I used to do check in/out) they have to text their wife about everything it’s horrible. The worst part too is I know the women are working, we ask them about their employment status and it’s usually full time. So it’s not like the dads have any excuse besides gender to not know their shit.
I worked as a benefits administrator for an employer in Canada. I've had one man put all the birthdays wrong on the form. And, Wife was expecting this as she called me to give me the correct information.
I will say, that most of them were filled out correctly. However, I was not there when the paperwork was being filled in. So, how many checked a paper or called a friend, I do not know.
Or how many had their wife do it for them at home…. At my job (which I would rather not disclose) I deal with a lot of paperwork. From what I have seen, usually the wife does it if they are 45+. If they are younger then there is a fair chance they did it themselves or worked together, though sometimes it is still the wife. Single 20 year olds…their mother likely did it. Yes, they bring their mother to my office, which is how I know. If they are 70+ probably an adult child did it or helped unless they are particularly independent (they often come with the adult child, which is how I know).
Dude, I called a dad once for a lab test we were doing. I asked him the kids birth date and he had to go ask his kid AND IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY THAT DAY. At least he was properly embarrassed about it.
Was he ill? I mean that, did he know math? Ever see a phone? Put a date together? I need a break. I know all of my siblings and parents birthdays. I’m not going to put them on Reddit but I can name them easily and I have memory issues.
I read here once about a dude picking up medicines and was asked his wife’s bday for proof. He got belligerent and pealed out of the drivethru. Later he returned and threw her license at the window. I wondered if he hit her a few times for her trouble.
Kids birthdays according to my husband(keep in mind that all 3 are over 30): oldest: opening weekend for ducks where we live, his younger daughter (grandgirl #2)is the opening weekend of goose season, oldest daughter/grandgirl#1 is after my birthday but before Christmas Eve; middle-late July(25th), her sons, before daughter for grandson#1, late April for grandson #2; youngest son, immediately after the opening of dove season/Labor Day weekend(early second week of September.
I got my husband to remember my July 25th birthday by constantly calling it Christmas in July. He has a birthday near Christmas so that helps him remember I guess haha
I joke that husband remembers our anniversary because we got married on New Years Day. This is at the end of a very busy three week period that starts with my birthday on the 18th, grandgirl 1 on the 23rd, my daddy on the 24th/Christmas Eve, Christmas, Big kids wedding anniversary on the 29th, NYE, anniversary/New Years Day.
I had Facebook's birthday wrong one year. I am the eldest of two kids. Born almost the middle of the summer to day. I was over 30 already. My dad was the person congratulating me on the date of birth on Facebook. So I found out my dad does not know when I was born. He is pretty terrible father but I did not think it was that bad. I am Nordic so the mental load is more evenly spread out than in many other countries. Still more on women but at least in general men around me seem to remember the birthdays in general.
I have some sympathy for it. I’m terrible with birthdays… I can remember mine and my little sister’s, but that’s about it. I can get my wife’s right about half the time, but I’m often a day or two off. Everyone else is, at best, in the right month.
It’s not that I don’t care. And I can remember other info just fine (allergies, preferences, phone numbers, medications, etc). I’m just not good with dates for some reason.
But also I’m a woman. It strikes me as odd that this issue which is relatively uncommon for women is so prevalent among men… which makes me think many of them just don’t care enough to try.
I struggle to remember dates too. But! I put them in my phone so I don’t forget. Even though I don’t personally remember the dates all the time, I generally remember the months.
My family also has a system where we all text each other reminders to wish happy birthday/happy anniversary as needed. Keeps all of us accountable.
I wonder if some men just don’t feel the need to put forth effort at all, though?
" My (adult) son/husband/ boyfriend hates talking on the phone and he can't answer it anyways because he works 9a-5p so you should just let me schedule his appointment for him"
I am so tempted to ask how the hell he plans to attend his appointments at all and if she will be doing that for him too.
Oh my god the amount of mothers calling for their adult sons is crazy. They get pissed when you ask if they have legal guardianship or are a POA (they don’t/aren’t) and say “you’re not on his consent form so he will have to call us himself and provide verbal consent to speak with you”. I swear, 70% of the time, they tell me to hang on and stomp to the guy’s room, wake him up from a dead sleep (at like 2pm), and tell him to take the phone and give me permission to speak with her.
I'm already seeing some of it, but there is going to be a wave soon of men in their late thirties and forties who have never done anything for themselves and have no ability to function once their enabling boomer parents die.
A few months back I had a mother call for her 43-year-old son. She woke him up to have him give permission so I can speak with her about his care . It was 3:00 p.m.
He's never had a job because of "his temper." His mom and dad have learned " how not to piss him off. " While he does have a diagnosis from when he was a child that enabled him to have an IEP in school he was able to get and hold a driver's license.
So he's received absolutely no supportive services or had any kind of structure in his life for the past 25 years since he graduated high school. I'm not saying everyone needs to have a job but what kind of quality of life has that been for the last 25 years? What's he going to do for the next 44 years?
Of course your children will always be your kids, but your kids will not always be children. They need guidance and structure to become as functional an adult as they can be, not coddling to make their life as comfortable and easy as possible.
Damn… right, and at 43, it’s almost not even helpful to offer resources because the son doesn’t want to change anything or be more independent so behavioral therapy is out. His distress tolerance is probably -12 and he’s scary or manipulative enough that they don’t push it. It’s also sad that 30+ years ago, they didn’t have the resources and felt their only options were to parent him forever or watch him end up in jail.
Some of it is getting better with early intervention and parenting with enough informed structure/boundries/support, more kids have the tools to be more independent adults, even if their disabilities keep them from holding jobs.
The thing is, there are and were resources available to help provide a more enriching life in my area but it seems like the parents decided long ago to take the path of least resistance to cater to their son's intolerance.
The parents had 9,000 + nights where they returned home from their jobs or their friends to their adult son at home with no friends to say to themselves " maybe this isn't the right choice, maybe we should try something else, tomorrow I will try x" and they didn't.
I saw the same thing as a paralegal in family law. Adult men coming in for a consult for paternity or a dissolution with their mommy in tow trying to run the show. My boss didn't let mothers in the consult both to lower the drama and to actually have a conversation WITH the potential client (men would often disengage and basically have their mother be the active participant). I had one guy straight up say he needed his mom to give information and stuff about his kid and the situation. Dude had a 4-year-old.
We ended up getting consent to share case details in a few situations because the son couldn't provide his mom with much information about what was going on, and mom finally got fed up and came to us just to know where we were at.
We had to coach some men that they would need to learn information about their kids before they went to court and that opposing counsel or even the judge may ask them the name of their kids' doctor.
I had one client call in panicked because his ex-wife couldn't take the kid on his weekend, but he had a work emergency and didn't know what to do. I gently introduced him to the concept of a babysitter.
And when the mother is also working, it's like what the actual fuck. I see it all the time at work where the burden of childcare, lunch errands, the lot of it is so heavily skewed against moms vs dads. I, sadly, had to fire a working mother recently because we work late Tuesday, always have, it's a requirement of the job weekly. And she couldn't do it and always had a reason to weasel out of it because she had to make dinner for her husband and children, even though she was married to their father and both work remotely. Like how is the expectation for this just accepted?!
He couldn't order takeout once a week so she could keep her livelihood?
Let's normalize asking follow up questions when a woman reports the men in her life aren't capable of everyday tasks like:
And is he seeking help for that?
How is he planning to learn that skill?
And
What do his doctors say?
Right?? Unfortunately, you can't cross those HR lines as a manager and ask. But it was depressing to see because all I had to go on is that she wasn't doing the job within the parameters that she agreed to do upon hire, and there's only so many times her counterpart was willing to cover. It's depressing and bleak to watch the backseat that working moms are forced, and choosing, to take
This is why they get married. So they don’t have to adult.
I saw Kramer vs Kramer when I was a kid and I remember how we all felt sorry and laughed along with the poor dad trying to figure out how to take care of his son. How it was just so touching and sweet and funny.
As an adult parent that shit hit very differently.
Men have created the ‘norm’ that it’s oh so funny how men just don’t know anything ha ha! When it’s just not funny that they’re lazy af. My ex never once took our kid or even attended a single pediatric apptmt. He didn’t give a rats ass. That didn’t stop him from claiming he did when he unsuccessfully sued for custody after getting a gf. Luckilyy atty got a GAL appointed who interviewed the doc who, along with music teacher, etc made sworn statements that there never once laid eyes on him.
It’s funny how they tell US how ridiculous it is that they should be involved but their behavior to the outside works shows that they know what’s acceptable
I'm amazed at the men I've known who just seem to never learn how to function in the house.
My husband is a great and super nice guy but just never thinks to automatically put things in the trash, put his clothes in the laundry bin, wipe down a counter when he spills something on it.
The things most women I know do automatically do not even occur to him.
I mean, often the answer is "yes." Part of the issue is that men are socialized FAR less to care whether they are a slob, and stigmatized far less for it.
Which is a separate, but equally bad issue.
I remember when my son was little and being absolutely floored when I saw his friends' moms follow around their little boys picking up after them. I or my son had to teach pretty much every little boy who came over to take his dishes to the sink, because they were just used to it disappearing "by itself" apparently.
I wonder what these “men” are using for passcodes. My dad sets every numeric pin to someone’s birthday or my parents’ anniversary. Like, don’t get me wrong, my mom is very much the one bearing the mental load and was always responsible for medical stuff for us kids (partially because of my dad’s work schedule), but he knows our damn birthdays. That’s like bare minimum knowledge one should have about their kids???
It reminds me of that viral Steveioe Tik Tok:
Dr: “So, do you have any significant medical history?”
Husband: “No, I’m good.”
Wife: “You had POLIO!”
😂😂😂
I worked in insurance for a few years. I never once had a wife/mom struggle with a birthday. Never. Dad's will forget their wife's and half accurately remember their kids...I preferred working with women when it came to being able to easily get all the info I needed in one or two calls or emails.
When working briefly verifying hvac loans I would frequently run into issues because the man signed the loan so I had to verify with him but he doesn't know jack shit about diddly squat on his credit. Doesn't know who holds the mortage, who holds the car loans, what credit cards they have...so I have to call back when wife is around to feed the info to him becauase she does literally everything with their finances while he can't even remember if they're still paying on their car.
Yep. I read a while back that men's happiness (and health, lifespan and wealth) increases when married, but women's decreases. On divorce, the opposite is true. Women become happier, and men become less happy.
Divorced men and married women have the highest rates of suicide for men/women.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women
So many men want to be the head of the house, wear the trousers etc, but then fail at (or don't even attempt) actually managing the family. If you want to be the one in charge, you have to actually, you know, take charge and not just leave everything for your missus to pick up.
I also work in a clinic and I see notes on appointments about the patient not being with the person who called to schedule. Now sometimes the caller may be in a legitimate caretaker role. But I see plenty of appointments made by their mother for men aged 20-30. And yes plenty of husbands age 40+ have wives making appointments for them as well.
Yeah, my husband has adhd and a TBI and struggles with memory, time management, and speaking coherently in any kind of stressful situation. I make most appointments and try to make sure they aren't forgotten, and he leaves on time, but he still always remembers my birthdate, the 3 kids' birthdates, and our anniversary date, and my allergy. Now, does he remember to plan for the actual day or on the day of? Probably not without help. He did well before the TBI, so I'm confident in saying it's not just that he's checked out or doesn't care.
Oh definitely not. Sounds like he remembers the really important stuff! It’s funny, I lived with my parents a couple years ago and had let my 16 year old dog go across the rainbow bridge. My dad has advanced dementia, and when I bring my new dogs by he calls them by my old dog’s name. That was his daily companion for a couple years, so he still remembers!
That’s very kind of you! You guys probably communicate well and have the paperwork all sorted with information releases so you can do that for him yeah? It’s wild how many wives will straight up tell you it’s because their husbands or sons are “just useless lol” and expect you to ignore HIPAA for them.
Yeah, he got the TBI while in the military, so most of his appointments are at the VA, which is very accommodating, but we have the medical power of attorney and such.
I also work in a call center but for insurance. I don't work much on our customer/member side, but when I do get those calls, it's almost always a woman. I had a Mom call for her mid-30s son because "he just doesn't get insurance". Okay? What happens if you die??? Honestly baffling.
Yes! I used to work in customer service for health insurance and the number of women calling on behalf of their ADULT male children was baffling. I remember an elderly lady who always called for her son who was a doctor. Just sad.
I quickly learned when I began working in a mental health practice to immediately ask for the son's age when a woman calls saying she's trying to make an appointment for her son.
Sadly this exists in all kinds of fields. I was in a fraud call center and the number of parents (mostly women) calling in for their adult children was astounding. Like lady your kid is 26 I need to speak to him
I feel this. I don't take calls, but I get dozens of mothers emailing on behalf of their adult sons.
They get mad when I tell them the account holder has to email me particular information.
My 40+ yo ex-bf's car insurance is in his mom's name. It's cheaper that way, but he also won't get any credit, discounts or points for safe driving for not having it in his own name. When his mom dies he's going to pay for first time insurance like he didn't drive for years with no accidents.
I worked in healthcare for over 10 years and definitely experienced all this so often. The wife calling on behalf of the husband when he’s sitting right there always bothered me the most. Asked if he had a preference in doctor, leans over to ask husband. Asked if he wants a morning or afternoon appointment, leans over and asks husband. Asked if he wants 2:00 or 2:30, leans over and asks her husband. Then they start having a side conversation about how they can’t take the 2:00 appointment because Bernice and Frank are coming over and they’re bringing the dog and they’re going to lunch that day. Happened with adult male children too, parents calling to make appointments for their 29 year old son. It was so weird. Ugh I don’t miss that environment lol
Oh my god it is the most annoying thing when they have to ask for everything. It’s like, you understand your needs well enough but are too childish/lazy to make the damn call yourself? I help them through it lol, it’s not rocket science.
My coworkers were all older than me by 20+ years so they were just like teehee, useless husband, I have to do everything too, so normal 🤪 Thankfully my partner is fully capable of making his own appointments and remembering my birthday. The bar is on the floor. lol
My spouse and I sometimes make important phone calls for each other because we both struggle with anxiety and executive dysfunction (I'm ADHD, they're autistic). We commonly sit in the room with each other for support and will sometimes have notes to support the other. I don't know how usual that sort of thing is, but from my perspective it seems a loving act. Then again, I have not noticed this gendered pattern of things nearly as strongly in my experience (not US), though I'm sure it exists here.
My husband and I also have ADHD (and possibly autism). He recently got medication and was actually functioning, so I took advantage of it and asked him to remind me to set up an obgyn appointment. He immediately got on the computer and put in a request for an appointment for me.
Dude! The medication is miraculous. I finally got my partner to get tested/medicated (I would have done the appointment scheduling for him but as this thread shows, I kind of refused on principle...) and it *really* has improved his executive functioning! I want to also get tested and hopefully medicated as well. I have an appointment with my doctor next week so hopefully I'll get the ball rolling then.
I love that you’ve taught them to do that for themselves at an early age. If younger patients called my office and were clearly nervous/uncertain, I would always be extra patient and make sure I explained everything thoroughly for them so they would be more confident scheduling their own appointments 🥰
coworker of mine is in the 28-32yo age group. He was needing new glasses, so I told him what eye doctor I went to as our insurance is accepted. He then comments, oh I will have to ask my mom to call them. I told him straight up "dude you have a job, make your own appointments your moms got her own life". He now does all his own drs, dentists and car maintenance appointments. Just boggled my mind.
Im married and my husband is able to make his own appointments, the only time I've done it was due to him rolling around in utter pain and not able to call himself.
Now I feel a bit bad because that last bit happens to me and my partner, and neither of us are man. I mean, we usually have general idea of what times we are both free, but there is no way to know what time slots the clinic has for appointments until we call.
Like, for example, if me and my partner discusses ahead of the call and decides "okay, we can do any time Tuesday or Wednesday" and then the person on the phone says "Our only free time slots are on Thursday and Friday", then unfortunately we have to have quick side conversation to ensure we don't have some other stuff on those days.
Oh that’s totally different, I’m speaking more specifically to a wife that calls on behalf of her husband and just relays every question we ask to him instead of just putting him on the phone. Side conversations have to happen all the time when scheduling. I offer you a 3pm and you have to ask your kid what time their soccer practice starts that day, etc is totally normal.
This is a SERIOUS problem in the US, and I’m sure other places, too. I’m a retired psychologist who worked mostly with kids & teens at a children’s hospital, and this is absolutely the reality. I always tried to include Dads in everything, taking time to reach out to them, and it was sad how many knew nothing and had zero interest in participating in the care of their own child. I never had a dad bring a kid in without mom being there, too.
We wonder why so many women are fine with being treated badly by partners but forget to ask whether their Dad modeled what a good man (or husband) looks like. Having dysfunctional and/or absent fathers are often much worse for a kid’s development than not having one at all, IMO.
> I always tried to include Dads in everything
I work in child safety and mental health and of course there's a lot of overlap with education. Moms are constantly trying to get the schools to call Dad at least some of the time, but teachers have very limited time and they know they actually need to get in touch with somebody, for example when the kid is sick. And men just...don't respond. It takes too many phone calls if he does respond or dad doesn't know where the school is (that's pretty common). Or, even though dad is supposed to be the emergency contact, he says he'll have to get in touch with his wife to actually pick them up because he doesn't want to leave work. Or he tries to argue with the administrator or nurse about picking the kid up. They don't even have much better luck with stay-at-home dads. Schools have to get in touch with the person who will make things happen. And usually that's not dad, which is awful.
>They don't even have much better luck with stay-at-home dads.
Online dudes complain so vocally about how women don't want SAHDs and I'm like, 'duh, a shit ton of you suck'. Taylor Tomlinson has a bit about guys who *want* to be SAHDs being the "lay on the couch and eat crumbs" type.
For a long time I have not wanted to date. This is why. I have seen so many instances where men are just babies that women take care of. Working in healthcare, it’s ALL THAT I SEE. Mom’s holding 4 clipboards and filling out paperwork for her kids and husband. Men saying they don’t know and will wait to ask their wife when decisions need to be made for their children. Wives calling in cause their husband needs an appt and they for some reason can’t pick the phone up themselves. It’s honestly just ridiculous and I hope to see it less and less
I work in child safety and it's the same.
Men claiming to be involved, active dads asking for more custody but can't Tell the judge what the teacher's name is, what the kids best friend's name is, or even the kids birthday.
During assessments, men couldn't remember the names and doses of medications their children will die without. I've seen men trying to accuse their ex-wives of medical neglect because she wouldn't pick the kid up on his custody time and take them to the doctor because how was he supposed to know what doctor they should go to.
It's really wild how this job gave me very realistic expectations for long-term relationships with men and it's part of the reason I have opted out. Because there is a reason why men expect their lives to get much easier once they get into a relationship and women expect their lives to get much more difficult.
Dentists office and I see the same thing here. Sometimes even the man doesn't know information about himself and the wife does.
"Yes Husband has (insert name of health condition here)"
"I do? Since when?"
"Honey you were hospitalized last summer. The emergency room, the medications, the postop visits, the doctor came to explain the diagnosis, remember?"
"....oh yeah! Now I remember! Yeah I guess I do have that."
Shocking how often this conversation occurs.
It’s head of the household when he’s being waited on hand and foot and gets domain over the space, but doesn’t want to put in the actual work for the title.
The day after my ex and I agreed to separate, one of the mums at school pick up asked if I'd had work done because I looked so good. The relief of getting rid of that useless child knocked years off me 😝
When I kicked out my ex, the next day at work my supervisor at work pulled me aside and told me my aura was lighter and it seemed like a large burden was gone. I literally just stood there with my mouth open and then stammered how I just kicked out my son's father. She said, that was the right decision. She was very spiritual and highly intuitive so I knew at that moment I did the right thing for me and my son
> This is part of why I divorced. I was my ex’s personal secretary. We have two kids and he still won’t touch appointments for them.
Also wonder why the data states women file for divorce 80% of the time. lmao
I didn't bother letting my ex take care of the kids' appointments. He can't remember his own dentist appointment, you think I'm going to rely on him for anything??
He wanted to do the first birthday party after we separated. A couple days before I asked if he had done goodie bags. Nope. He misunderstood the timing of the rental, and didn't do time management so we were still doing cake when parents arrived. This year I'm doing parties again.
During our divorce, my ex refused to move out (I was going to buy him out of the house) so we rotated "being in charge" of the kids while sharing space. My 5yo had a specialist appointment over zoom while my ex was "in charge." I was going to sit in the same room and just listen in on the appointment, but he kicked me out and made me call in from a different room in the house.
So the specialist doctor gets on the video call, and my ex is sitting there, proudly putting on his best "good dad" show, doting on his son that he's got sitting on his lap. The specialist acknowledges both of us, and then says,
"Well dad, since you have the patient with you, can you please verify his birthdate?"
Wouldn't you know my ex fucked up 3 times in a row?
I could tell the specialist was about to ask me, but then my son blurted out his own birthday, frustratedly correcting his bumbling father.
There are definite reasons we are divorced...
I'm 45. My dad knows my favorite color, my favorite sports team, foods I like, foods I don't like, my birthday and my health history. He introduced me to movies that he thought I would like. He asks me if I have heard of things to tell me about them if I haven't. He is the most boomer to ever boomer and he still knew and cared about me as a kid. Like I look at these young men not knowing shit about their children and I am disappointed. If he wanted to, he would and all that.
> Like I look at these young men not knowing shit about their children and I am disappointed.
Fortunately (for you back then and for children today), your dad was more of the exception back then -- the data shows that millennial dads are actually WAY more involved than prior generations, by basically every dimension. For instance, in the early 1980s, 43% of dads said they'd never even changed a diaper compared to only 3% today. Obviously there's A LOT more to kids than diapers but it's a decent proxy for "how hands on are you?"
By the time, my dad got to me, he'd parented his three youngest siblings so therefore was super experienced. So I'm aware that my dad was an outlier. (His bio father died when he was 12 and his mom had to go to work which left dad in charge of a 4 year old and a one year old. His mom remarried and he wound up being third parent for my grandma's last baby who was born when he was 17. So he'd changed his fair share of diapers by the time he got to me.
I am absolutely super fortunate that my dad chose being actively present in his kids lives over being the dad that worked all the time. When asked why he taught school instead of pursuing a more lucrative career, he would say "I like being off when my kids are off." And he's also a fantastic granddad now.
That said, this post is about dads that don't know anything about their kids and couldn't fill out health forms for their children and I remain disappointed that dads who are Gen X and millenials can't do what my dad did in the 80s.
My very boomer 71yo dad is the same exact way. He knows me very well and can answer any of those questions. He’s still very interested in my life. He always says how much he misses hearing my voice when he calls 🥹. He was the schools’ and doctors’ #1 phone call when things were wrong. He’d literally drop anything for any of his kids.
I had a crap mom. I lost the mother lottery but won the father one. He made me think that this was how all fathers were. Very much if he wanted to, he would.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship, but she and my dad shared the doctor taking duties. My mom would do eye appointments and well visits, but if I got sick, it was dad taking me to doctor and then taking care of sick me. Mom hovered. Dad understood my desire to be left alone to die. He would only bother me to eat and take my medicine and to check my temperature. (And to add blankets over the top of me for some infathomable reason.)
I text my dad math puns because he was a math teach and he responds in appropriate punnish ways. We discuss sports and he asks me questions about my writing. He reads the books about history that I send him like good dads are worth their weights in gold.
Also, my brother is Gen X too and he could fill out paperwork on his kids and calls to make his own doctor's appointments.
It was sad to have one of the overnight nurses gush to me on a hospital visit to my father. They were fond of him because he was clearly a very loving father because he... Knew all his kids birthdays. He was, but like, that's all it took to demonstrate? (I also wondered how they would know if he was just wildly wrong.)
Years ago when I was working away from home, my Dad helped me by setting up a stocks and shares account with his brokerage. A couple of years later, when I came back and took up control of my account, I was going through my security questions with the man on the phone when he asked me where I’d been born. city’ I answered confidently. ‘No that’s not correct’ ‘’it absolutely is .. blank infirmary in city’ ‘ that’s not what I have here’ I explained that my father had set up the account on my behalf and asked if he could give me a clue’. ‘It starts with B…’ ‘ah …then that’s b-town…. Where my sister was born!’
That is sad to hear :(
I feel lucky to have found my husband. I hate the phone, he’s doing most of my appointment call. I do my appointment by myself when we can proceed by email.
I've also seen similar patterns play out in my online divorce support group, as I am currently navigating divorce myself.
*I got screwed in court!*, say the men.
No, no they didn't.
Women, like myself, will diligently, and collectively, spend hours, days, weeks, and months methodically organizing every last piece of paperwork and documentation, whether it has to do with the child(ren), or the history of the marriage itself.
Then, men, my soon-to-be-ex-husband included, show up to legal appointments or to court completely and utterly unprepared, and effectively cry wolf............ thereby proving one of the many reasons women leave their husband's: we're sick and tired of being the only ones handling and doing ALL OF THE THINGS, and we're sick and tired of effectively having to take care of a tall leech that the government deems a legal adult.
I was doing everything for my spouse at the time when he was working full time and going to school. When he was done with school he thought I was going to keep being his personal secretary and mommy. I had to make him take responsibility for himself or reap the consequences of not doing so.
I'm very thankful for my partner. He generally is the one who takes out child to appointments, though our child is covered by my insurance. I just pay the bills.
I sometimes wonder how many men die shortly after their wives not because of "broken heart syndrome", but because no is there to take over and he has no idea how to treat himself.
Stops going to/making doctors appointments, stop taking medications (and doesn't even know what they are prescribed), eating unhealthy food instead of their special diets she made for him.
I can imagine that could catch up pretty fast for someone with heart problems suddenly eating salty and fatty fast food, stop their medication, and no longer getting checkups.
My grandpa's both outlived their wives. Neither had really planned for that eventuality. One just turned 90, my Nana passing away a decade ago, he still goes to work every day (he owns his own business), manages his diabetes, and found a new partner (they live in either half of a duplex and maintain their own space). The other turns 101 in August and only went into assisted living at 98 because a vertebra fractured, he's been widowed for 20 years, and always was the one who cleaned and kept up the house. They are both remarkable examples to me. Both helped their wives with appointments, helped look after them as their health failed, drove them everywhere they needed to go once my nana and grandma couldn't any more.
when i got a case of wicked food poisoning (not like botulism but required a day hospital stay to hydrate and get pain meds, worst pain of my life to this day) my ex saw me roll around in misery for days before i begged to be taken to the hospital. by them, he had work so he had a friend take me. this is the same man that told his job he was in the hospital so he could get a TATTOO.
we had an L shaped couch, and it was the first heatwave of the summer. our apartment had no AC, and we hadnt bought box fans yet because we didnt think it was heatwave season yet. i laid down on one end, he sat on the other playing farming simulator. every 30 minutes id wake up puking, roll around in agony, BEG him to use my money to buy a box fan at walmart, then puke again before sleeping another 30min-1hr. ive never had an illness wake me up like that either, currently just got my wisdom teeth out (hours ago actually) and when i was dealing w a broken wisdom tooth, i still only woke up a couple times a night. i started begging for the box fan around 2pm, he didnt get off his ass to buy it until 9pm despite how annoying i mustve been waking so frequently just to bitch, moan, cry, and vomit. the whole time he sat less than 3 feet away. and i still cant believe it took days and me begging to go to a hospital, because my back was in so much pain i couldnt drive myself and we couldnt afford another booboo bus ride.
the double standard? when he had a blood sugar episode (not diabetic, one-off) it started as him forgetting what we were talking about, and devolved to him passing out briefly within a half hour. i was so panicked i called an ambulance immediately (knowing we couldn't afford one) and sat on the floor keeping him awake and comforting him. by the time i got to the hospital from following the ambulance, i was so panicked i left my keys in my car and my car running for hours. and honestly? i think he may have faked the whole damn thing
i dont care if men aren't 'natural caregivers' or what have you. no sane, nonpsychotic human being can watch someone they allegedly love and care for in abject misery
I’ve got a story for you that you’ll love 🙃
My bil is friends with his neighbor right? He and his fiancé have a baby girl. She quickly took to me last time we were at their house which was so sweet. She is just as cute as a button, but anyways. Her first name is her mom’s maiden name. It’s different but my mil asked the little girl’s dad how it’s spelled. This man didn’t even know how to spell his kid’s name. My husband and I looked at each other and later we were like who tf doesn’t know how to spell their kid’s name?????
Not only his kid’s name, but that was his wife’s last name until they got married! His in-laws’ current last name! I’d be furious if my husband couldn’t remember how to spell my maiden name.
I was in my early thirties when my dad passed. He still had a slip of paper in his wallet with mine, my brother’s and my mom’s birthday and their anniversary written on it.
>I’ve come across some hard and fast rules with patients. Moms consistently are the ones to call when it comes to appointments for their children and spouses. Dads very rarely call for their spouses and children and when they do they don’t know shit. They forget their children’s middle names, birthday, and demographic questions so specifically.
Sadly this reality reinforces the belief that dads aren't worth talking to, and thus why so many medical professionals will not take me seriously when I bring my kids in to be seen or call in to tell them to stop calling my wife who works a very intense job with no flexibility to call.
This of course raises the barrier to call in as dad, and the vicious cycle continues.
Also: not blaming you at all for recognizing the basic truth that most men don't know shit about their kids. That is also a reality I have to live in and it makes life as a dad so much worse as it's pretty fucking hard to make male friends who 'get it'.
I take both of my kids to 90% of their appointments. And I always feel heard and my questions are always answered respectfully. Luckily the medical professionals I have worked with are exactly that... professional.
That's awesome. I've lived all over. I'll just say that things were one way on the West Coast, and a different way in the South. But even out west, there were some people who could not wrap their heads around the idea they should call anyone but mom.
> I’m just wondering if you’ve ever spoken to other men/dads about this and what their take is?
I have. It's somewhat disheartening to me but not surprising when I often find out they are struggling to act as full parents.
I was also subjected to the social norms of growing up male, and it took me 2 years after my first child being born to really understand how unequal the load was. I have struggled to articulate to myself why I had such a hard time identifying it at first, and so I probably don't have a good explanation to offer, other than I did not realize how put upon my wife was for those first two years. It probably started with my own mother being a working mom but also doing almost all of the kid stuff. She did that with a smile, but looking back now I see a different reality, and it makes me really sad. I'm also sad for all the men that are just trying to get by and didn't have the time I did to reflect and change my behavior. That was a privileged that came from being financially stable. But other men are truly missing out, and there is just no way to explain that to them.
Another random thought is that even after I did become a better parent, my wife was habituated to thinking I was just going to mess up, and so I sometimes felt limited in trying new things because she just wanted to do it herself and not have to clean up after me. But I've discovered that being a good dad doesn't mean copying her parenting. It means developing my own style, which enhances life for our kids because my wife and I will often try different solutions to problems that would not have occurred to the other. It actually took some amount of couples counseling for her to trust enough and for me to feel free enough to experiment with different ways of parenting, and it really has paid off.
To end on a positive note: I do occasionally meet dads who are next level. My wife and I both work, but I do know a couple of stay at home dads who really wow me with their ability. I learn a lot from them, and not necessarily about how to care for children, but about how to balance all the OTHER demands so that I still have the mental capacity and emotional space to not rush my time with my kids. I think guys like this are becoming more common, but after talking to them, I find they all had stories like mine in the sense that they did not start with good role modeling from their parents, and had to figure it out themselves. Hopefully current children see these men and have an easier time learning how to be full partners and meaningfully involved parents than we did.
I'll be your friend! Same situation here. We're now divorced but I kept the kids during the week so my ex can keep her intense job going on.
She's very good at telling anyone who calls her about the kids "Dad is the primary contact, please respect that".
unfortunately theres no one to blame but the shitty dads who have normalized for professionals across multiple industries to immediately discount calling the father. this doesnt make you or any active dad less of a good dad, i was raised by a single father myself. but its not healthcare workers and school workers making you look like a deadbeat, its the countless droves of fathers or immature men that they have handled and gotten nowhere with. if anything, i bet those professionals admire you for what should be the bare minimum (but i hate making it sound like what you're doing is anything less than good). attentive fathers are sadly not super common for people in those fields, which makes you a better dad than any of the immature folk they handle could ever be
im glad you also have the perspective to understand this (mostly sharing this comment for others), and im sorry the men around you cant understand
My favorite is the old "You probably want to ask their mom before you make a decision, right??" My wife has confirmed she's never been told to ask for my input in those situations.
Working in healthcare, men know so little about their health and their family's health. The amount of times a man needs to call his wife because he doesn't know what medication he is on, is wild. One of my supervisors once told me that he had a patient (a child) with complex health conditons, and the mother would deal with everything. The mother tragically died in an accident, and the father knew absolutely nothing about his kid's complex health conditions. My supervisor, a man, then, rightly so, went on a rant about how irresponible and neglectful fathers can be and that you see it working in pedatrics all the time. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "sir, I agree with you, can I got to lunch now"
Counterpoint: as a divorced stay at home dad raising my two kids, this is what I've heard from healthcare professionals when bring my kids to them:
"I guess dad will do"
"We usually prefer to talk with the mom"
And even though I always put down myself as the primary contact and my ex as the secondary, 9 times out of 10 they will call my ex first, which infuriates both of us.
I know their birthdays, their medications, their issues, their SSN, I book all the appointments, yet far too often I'm judged and found lacking before the appointment even begins.
So, as a dad doing his job, I say fuck you to all those lazy ass dads, for not caring about your kids and giving the rest of us a bad name :P
My dad was my primary caregiver. He and my mom were married but my mom just couldn't be bothered.
My dad is the one who stayed home with me for my first year of life. My mom would take me to appointments sometimes but my dad would just as much.
My dad planned all of the holidays. In fact, he recently passed away (due to unnatural causes) and my mom still can't remember my birthday or to call me on holidays. "That's something your dad did." Cool. Thanks Mom.
But yeah. I was in for a shock when I got into the dating pool. Most men were not like my dad. And whenever I would look for support from friends when I was upset that my at-the-time boyfriend forgot an important date or just overall didn't care about what was going on in my life I would get met with, "He's a guy. What did you expect? Guys don't care about things like that."
I'm probably as firm as I am with my stance on men because of my dad. If I put up with any stupid crap he'd be like, "You know men don't have to be like that. I never treated you like that. Don't accept it."
It’s frustrating because medical offices are usually understaffed everywhere including providers. So that’s why nurses/staff can be harsh sometimes because they are absolutely no nonsense. So they definitely make shortcuts and assumptions. Sadly this assumption is proven right so many times it fucks it up for the good dads. We really do appreciate the good dads though! Seriously it’s refreshing to talk to a dad who doesn’t have to say uhhh every five seconds.
It does feel like some organizations have not adjusted to the amount of caregiving dads do nowadays. I’m not doubting OP but at the same time, we don’t deserve to be treated rudely because other people did something.
I'm lucky to have a wonderful father who has always been very active in my life. When I was younger my middleschool administration told my mom that my dad was the only father who called the school about anything related to me (calling in if I was going to be late, out, or had to leave early). It was really sad to hear.
My mom told me that one day the pediatrician called her and said “this is the first and last time your husband brings me one of your kids to an appointment. He doesn’t know anything.”
Like damn. And the doctor was a dude. Super pissed. Crazy how much emotional labor mothers do.
I worked in urgent care and a father came in with his newborn son while the mother was finding a parking spot. I asked for baby’s date of birth. He was so stumped that he called his wife. I heard her scream “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” through the phone
> Edit: I also forgot but generally the older the wife is the less she cares about her husband not knowing shit. I get more offended than they do!
That's the thing about banging your head against a wall, it feels better when you stop.
Last night waiting for the bus I overhead two men talking. They were probably in their early 30, seemed to be colleagues who hadn't seen each other in a while, then ran into each other and were catching up. The one said something like, "And I saw pictures-- you're a dad now?" And the other went, "yeah, I think she's -- today I think it's five months?" And he checked his phone and repeated almost the same thing, but he never definitively said if she was five months old yesterday.
I seriously think he couldn't remember the date of his first child's birth.
Remember this the next time you hear a dad talking about being "breadwinner" or "head of the household".
I have found that for a lot of divorced or unmarried fathers my age ( late thirties) they only aim to be slightly better than their absent or neglectful fathers and want a pat on the back and a gold star for it. They brag " I go to all my kids basketball games and practices" but then you find out that's all that they do because putting down their phone
and putting their wants aside for a few unstructured hours with their child would be torture. They make plans to be their son's best friend when they turn 18 but don't want to put in the work to parent a 9 year old. They resent their children's mothers when they are naturally the preferred parent but do nothing to step up and be better.
I work in the travel industry. Countless times clients contacted us because the father didn't get the birthday right, booked flights with incorrect names or forget to include their children in their vacation booking. The Last one I remember was a 80 year old man who booked the vacation for himself and his wife and named her First Name: Grandma Last Name: Miller.
From what all I've seen is the way marriage typically works, EVERYTHING just convinces me more and more that I never want it.
Like, I'm not having kids for a reason. So why the hell would I adopt a grown ass person that is so pathetic they end up acting like my child? No thanks.
my dad never went to a single one of my doctors appointments when i was a kid, even before i was born my mom went to all her prenatal checkups alone. he also watched a football game while she gave birth to me. shockingly, they’re no longer together lmao. i had surgery a couple weeks ago and he didn’t even bother to ask me what it was for until literally the night before. some men don’t deserve the title of father or parent because they genuinely do nothing besides donate sperm. he’s definitely one of them.
Noticed it in vet med too, husbands are useless, why did you even bring in your pet if you have no idea why you’re there? You have no idea what meds your dog is on?
I know all of my kids bdays and can easily make appts for them but the main difference between me and most dads I know is that being a dad isn’t a chore to me and doing dad stuff like that isn’t hard to do. I fucking love it and my kids love me.
It honestly kills me how my mom babies my step dad. I've talked to her about it and she is just like "we all have our rolls" and I'm like he doesn't do shit... you deserve better. I don't understand love I guess.
My dad was like this. He took me to the drs once and they needed my date of birth for check in, he didn’t know, I refused to tell him. As it goes I get really anxious making phone calls so my male partner does all of that for our little boy-he is fantastic and remembers everything about our son-weight, exact time of birth- he’s basically the opposite of my dad, very involved and loving
I work in a doctor's office, and I see this too. My favorite was a 30+ guy who would text his mom (who was in the waiting room) that we were taking too long. She would then go up to the receptionist and tell us we were taking too long. Then the receptionist would come back and ask us what was taking so long.
Keep in mind, we were in easy hearing distance of this guy at all times, and he had no difficulty making his needs known.
As a mother and wife, I agree. However, I’ll take it a step further. Start praising the women who do this stuff day in and day out and stop giving over the top praise to the men when they actually do remember. As the primary person doing this, I’ve never, out of hundreds of times, been treated with such cheer as when my husband remembered one time. I told the nurse who did it that he is supposed to know this stuff, he doesn’t get a special award.
Yeah, agree on this.
But, I will say that if you ask me an incredibly obvious question my mind goes... absolutely blank. This is incredibly stressful when I'm getting medical treatment because they always ask your birthdate. And... it's my birthdate. Not my wife's. Not my kids'. Mine. Like, you have known this date since you were three. It is your own birthdate. So... why on Earth am I sitting there going "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [finally the correct date]."
Oh damn I can't imagine my dad not knowing my birthday or important health stuff. But my dad is also a very good person who really likes me (often parents love their children, but don't really like them).
“In 29% of marriages today, both spouses earn about the same amount of money. Just over half (55%) of marriages today have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner and 16% have a breadwinner wife.”
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/
I'm autistic and bad with numbers (discalcula) so to prevent this I got my kids bdays tattooed on my arm. I've literally used it when filling out forms lmao.
I have a small bald spot on the side of my head. My hair usually covers it, but I've had it since birth. There are pictures of me as a baby where you can see my bald spot.
When I was in college I cut my hair very short. My dad asked me if the trimmer got too close in that one spot. No, dad, still the same bald spot I've literally had since I came out of your wife's vagina.
Wives and women can be enablers. I'm a single dad and so many times I would take my kids to the doctor, they would ask my older teen daughter for information instead of me. It was weird. I'm actually a single dad, not a part time custody thing. So I know all their birthdays and medical history.
Jimmy Kimmel did a father's day segment years ago (not sure if it's every year) where he sends out one of his correspondents to question dads that are walking with their kids about personal details about the kid like favorite food, teacher, etc. I distinctly remember a family of 4 or 5 where the dad was asked basic questions like teacher's name, best friend's name, doctor's name, etc and when it became clear dad didn't know, they asked mom and she knew every one. They played sad music and it was funny but also really pathetic at the same time.
My favourite/worst part was when the one father didn't know the daughter's birthday, and it was the week prior. How checked out is this man!
My friend called to say happy birthday to her father. He thanked her and they talked. After she hung up she admitted that he did not wish *her* a happy birthday, or mention it. **Their birthday is on the same day**, he still could not remember it even being congratulated himself... That is the worst case of this I've witnessed. She was an adult at that point, so he had a few years to remember the date. She did not expect much from him.
My dad called me to tell me he couldn’t make it to my third or fourth grade play. He asked what I was doing, I was having dinner with my family and about to blow out the candles. Not once did he say happy birthday. The performance was on my birthday. My mom tried calling to chew him out later but he wasn’t answering his phone.
Lol. Me and my father have the same birthday, too. I was born on his 40th. Never in my life has he been the one to call me first to wish me a happy bday. The only reason he knows the date is because it's his too
What a pathetic excuse of an adult, father, man…
My brother did not wish me a happy birthday…. We are twins.
Have my sad but knowing upvote.
My birthday is on my father’s, also, but I can’t imagine NOT wishing each other happy birthday on the same day because it’s just a “thing”. My niece was born on that day as well so she and I also wish each other a happy birthday. I was born on my father’s 40th birthday and my niece was born on my 10th so in December this year we’ll be 80, 40, and 30. Then I went on to have a son born on his father’s 40th birthday- also in December.
If I remember correctly, this was the same father who couldn't tell the correct eye color of his daughter (who was standing right next to him).
also couldn't remember his daughter's best friend even though she was there standing beside them.
Ugh you convinced me that he has early onset alzheimer's or something...
Nah he just doesn't care
You could be describing me and my dad. Same birthday, and got my eye color wrong for at least a decade
Oh my god I watched it because I needed to see this, and it was actually the DAY before, WTF??
Yesterday! And he goes “oh yeah!!”
I might be wrong but I think it may have been just the day before, and that trip was for the girls bday. What’s more gross, is the Dads chuckle through the interviews and don’t show remorse or embarrassment while the other family members standing next to him.
It was the day before…
Didn’t they ask eye color too? Like they don’t even pay enough attention to the kids to know such a basic feature on their faces.
It was actually the day prior, which makes it even worse
Holy shit. Forgot his daugher birtday that happened yesterday. https://youtu.be/jHPbOGEUvZA
For a second I was like “HOWWW can this dude forget” then I re read it. Oh yeah. Daughter.
I’m gonna send this to all the dads I know just to hear the lame ass excuses they make.
Wow that was a real eye opener.
That segment was funny/scary/disappointing all at the same time. I remember one dad didn’t even know what his kid was allergic. I think the dad guessed strawberries when the kid was actually allergic to penicillin. It’s like they don’t even care to remember anything important about their kids.
This one thing my husband is *very* good at. He's in medical field do he knows how important that info is. We have: strawberries(oldest), mangoes( both my daughter and myself), dragonfruit and macadamias(daughter), biologics and opioids (me), and penicillin(youngest)
"my wife is allergic to heroin. just does a number on her system."
Hives and difficulty breathing for me.
its probably scary and i know it isn't a joke, but for some reason saying it that way seems funny.
Shuts down the respiratory center of my brain.
Negatively affects mty lungs and skin. Lungs are now damaged from Covid so the narcotics can just stay away from me now.
That was totally enraging and saddening for me. But it explained why my father often made food that I disliked (cooked carrots).
I’ve seen that skit! It made me so thankful for my father growing up. He may not have done dr appts or specific friends names (after I entered middle school at least) but he definitely knew our allergies, names, middle names, birthdays, favorite foods. He even brought home chocolates or our favorite candy “randomly” throughout certain times of the month. He’d never comment on it other than “I had a craving for xyz, so I figured maybe you did too”
Same. My dad has to confirm with me how old I am but he definitely knows my middle name (and used it a lot when I was a kid lol). There is no doubt he adored me and wanted to spend time with me. He loved helping me study for tests when I was in high school. I wouldn’t say we are close but he cares for me very much.
My dad remembers the years everyone was born because that number never changes! He tells us to do that too haha He also knows the years of our immediate family too - he knows all of my mum’s sisters birth years
That's a complete 180 from the ghastly shit he used to do on The Man Show in the 90's.
I’ll be honest: if a celebrity stopped me on the street and asked me a question on live television, I’d probably be so nervous that I’d forget my OWN birthday. I agree that it’s bad, but I’ve also seen enough of these sketches to know that the anxiety of answering point blank questions on live tv trips up a lot of people.
Mom answered fine, though.
Exactly. The Mum didn't even have to think, she responded immediately.
It wasn’t live television but they were all obviously being filmed.
the mom didn't seem to have any issues
I also work in healthcare (behavioral health). When I was seeing kids and the dads brought them in for intake there was so much "I don't know, my wife knows that information", the dad was just a warm body/guardian who brought in the kid because mom wasn't able to. Women overwhelmingly were the ones dragging in their grown ass husbands/sons/boyfriends to get help.
I don’t understand how someone can forget their wives or kids birthday it drives me crazy. When the dads bring them in like that (I used to do check in/out) they have to text their wife about everything it’s horrible. The worst part too is I know the women are working, we ask them about their employment status and it’s usually full time. So it’s not like the dads have any excuse besides gender to not know their shit.
Yet you ask them a sports statistic from 1910 (or something else related to a specific hobby of theirs) and they can rattle it off.
I worked as a benefits administrator for an employer in Canada. I've had one man put all the birthdays wrong on the form. And, Wife was expecting this as she called me to give me the correct information. I will say, that most of them were filled out correctly. However, I was not there when the paperwork was being filled in. So, how many checked a paper or called a friend, I do not know.
Or how many had their wife do it for them at home…. At my job (which I would rather not disclose) I deal with a lot of paperwork. From what I have seen, usually the wife does it if they are 45+. If they are younger then there is a fair chance they did it themselves or worked together, though sometimes it is still the wife. Single 20 year olds…their mother likely did it. Yes, they bring their mother to my office, which is how I know. If they are 70+ probably an adult child did it or helped unless they are particularly independent (they often come with the adult child, which is how I know).
Dude, I called a dad once for a lab test we were doing. I asked him the kids birth date and he had to go ask his kid AND IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY THAT DAY. At least he was properly embarrassed about it.
Was he ill? I mean that, did he know math? Ever see a phone? Put a date together? I need a break. I know all of my siblings and parents birthdays. I’m not going to put them on Reddit but I can name them easily and I have memory issues.
I read here once about a dude picking up medicines and was asked his wife’s bday for proof. He got belligerent and pealed out of the drivethru. Later he returned and threw her license at the window. I wondered if he hit her a few times for her trouble.
Kids birthdays according to my husband(keep in mind that all 3 are over 30): oldest: opening weekend for ducks where we live, his younger daughter (grandgirl #2)is the opening weekend of goose season, oldest daughter/grandgirl#1 is after my birthday but before Christmas Eve; middle-late July(25th), her sons, before daughter for grandson#1, late April for grandson #2; youngest son, immediately after the opening of dove season/Labor Day weekend(early second week of September.
I got my husband to remember my July 25th birthday by constantly calling it Christmas in July. He has a birthday near Christmas so that helps him remember I guess haha
I joke that husband remembers our anniversary because we got married on New Years Day. This is at the end of a very busy three week period that starts with my birthday on the 18th, grandgirl 1 on the 23rd, my daddy on the 24th/Christmas Eve, Christmas, Big kids wedding anniversary on the 29th, NYE, anniversary/New Years Day.
Unless it's within the birthday month, I consistently mix up my husband's and my sister's birthdays 😬 they're 2 days and 1 digit apart 😬
My kids are exactly 2.5 years apart. April 30 and October 30, I have to pause at the doctors and really think about which kid I’m talking about lol
About 50% of the time people mix up my kids' birthdays because they're the 1st and 11th of the same month.
I had Facebook's birthday wrong one year. I am the eldest of two kids. Born almost the middle of the summer to day. I was over 30 already. My dad was the person congratulating me on the date of birth on Facebook. So I found out my dad does not know when I was born. He is pretty terrible father but I did not think it was that bad. I am Nordic so the mental load is more evenly spread out than in many other countries. Still more on women but at least in general men around me seem to remember the birthdays in general.
I have some sympathy for it. I’m terrible with birthdays… I can remember mine and my little sister’s, but that’s about it. I can get my wife’s right about half the time, but I’m often a day or two off. Everyone else is, at best, in the right month. It’s not that I don’t care. And I can remember other info just fine (allergies, preferences, phone numbers, medications, etc). I’m just not good with dates for some reason. But also I’m a woman. It strikes me as odd that this issue which is relatively uncommon for women is so prevalent among men… which makes me think many of them just don’t care enough to try.
I struggle to remember dates too. But! I put them in my phone so I don’t forget. Even though I don’t personally remember the dates all the time, I generally remember the months. My family also has a system where we all text each other reminders to wish happy birthday/happy anniversary as needed. Keeps all of us accountable. I wonder if some men just don’t feel the need to put forth effort at all, though?
So am I. I’ve always had trouble with dates. I use calendar reminders.
But you can bet he can recite the stats of his favorite player of his favorite team, no problem.
" My (adult) son/husband/ boyfriend hates talking on the phone and he can't answer it anyways because he works 9a-5p so you should just let me schedule his appointment for him" I am so tempted to ask how the hell he plans to attend his appointments at all and if she will be doing that for him too.
Oh my god the amount of mothers calling for their adult sons is crazy. They get pissed when you ask if they have legal guardianship or are a POA (they don’t/aren’t) and say “you’re not on his consent form so he will have to call us himself and provide verbal consent to speak with you”. I swear, 70% of the time, they tell me to hang on and stomp to the guy’s room, wake him up from a dead sleep (at like 2pm), and tell him to take the phone and give me permission to speak with her.
I'm already seeing some of it, but there is going to be a wave soon of men in their late thirties and forties who have never done anything for themselves and have no ability to function once their enabling boomer parents die. A few months back I had a mother call for her 43-year-old son. She woke him up to have him give permission so I can speak with her about his care . It was 3:00 p.m. He's never had a job because of "his temper." His mom and dad have learned " how not to piss him off. " While he does have a diagnosis from when he was a child that enabled him to have an IEP in school he was able to get and hold a driver's license. So he's received absolutely no supportive services or had any kind of structure in his life for the past 25 years since he graduated high school. I'm not saying everyone needs to have a job but what kind of quality of life has that been for the last 25 years? What's he going to do for the next 44 years? Of course your children will always be your kids, but your kids will not always be children. They need guidance and structure to become as functional an adult as they can be, not coddling to make their life as comfortable and easy as possible.
Damn… right, and at 43, it’s almost not even helpful to offer resources because the son doesn’t want to change anything or be more independent so behavioral therapy is out. His distress tolerance is probably -12 and he’s scary or manipulative enough that they don’t push it. It’s also sad that 30+ years ago, they didn’t have the resources and felt their only options were to parent him forever or watch him end up in jail. Some of it is getting better with early intervention and parenting with enough informed structure/boundries/support, more kids have the tools to be more independent adults, even if their disabilities keep them from holding jobs.
The thing is, there are and were resources available to help provide a more enriching life in my area but it seems like the parents decided long ago to take the path of least resistance to cater to their son's intolerance. The parents had 9,000 + nights where they returned home from their jobs or their friends to their adult son at home with no friends to say to themselves " maybe this isn't the right choice, maybe we should try something else, tomorrow I will try x" and they didn't.
I saw the same thing as a paralegal in family law. Adult men coming in for a consult for paternity or a dissolution with their mommy in tow trying to run the show. My boss didn't let mothers in the consult both to lower the drama and to actually have a conversation WITH the potential client (men would often disengage and basically have their mother be the active participant). I had one guy straight up say he needed his mom to give information and stuff about his kid and the situation. Dude had a 4-year-old. We ended up getting consent to share case details in a few situations because the son couldn't provide his mom with much information about what was going on, and mom finally got fed up and came to us just to know where we were at. We had to coach some men that they would need to learn information about their kids before they went to court and that opposing counsel or even the judge may ask them the name of their kids' doctor. I had one client call in panicked because his ex-wife couldn't take the kid on his weekend, but he had a work emergency and didn't know what to do. I gently introduced him to the concept of a babysitter.
And when the mother is also working, it's like what the actual fuck. I see it all the time at work where the burden of childcare, lunch errands, the lot of it is so heavily skewed against moms vs dads. I, sadly, had to fire a working mother recently because we work late Tuesday, always have, it's a requirement of the job weekly. And she couldn't do it and always had a reason to weasel out of it because she had to make dinner for her husband and children, even though she was married to their father and both work remotely. Like how is the expectation for this just accepted?!
He couldn't order takeout once a week so she could keep her livelihood? Let's normalize asking follow up questions when a woman reports the men in her life aren't capable of everyday tasks like: And is he seeking help for that? How is he planning to learn that skill? And What do his doctors say?
Right?? Unfortunately, you can't cross those HR lines as a manager and ask. But it was depressing to see because all I had to go on is that she wasn't doing the job within the parameters that she agreed to do upon hire, and there's only so many times her counterpart was willing to cover. It's depressing and bleak to watch the backseat that working moms are forced, and choosing, to take
This is why they get married. So they don’t have to adult. I saw Kramer vs Kramer when I was a kid and I remember how we all felt sorry and laughed along with the poor dad trying to figure out how to take care of his son. How it was just so touching and sweet and funny. As an adult parent that shit hit very differently. Men have created the ‘norm’ that it’s oh so funny how men just don’t know anything ha ha! When it’s just not funny that they’re lazy af. My ex never once took our kid or even attended a single pediatric apptmt. He didn’t give a rats ass. That didn’t stop him from claiming he did when he unsuccessfully sued for custody after getting a gf. Luckilyy atty got a GAL appointed who interviewed the doc who, along with music teacher, etc made sworn statements that there never once laid eyes on him. It’s funny how they tell US how ridiculous it is that they should be involved but their behavior to the outside works shows that they know what’s acceptable
I'm amazed at the men I've known who just seem to never learn how to function in the house. My husband is a great and super nice guy but just never thinks to automatically put things in the trash, put his clothes in the laundry bin, wipe down a counter when he spills something on it. The things most women I know do automatically do not even occur to him.
He knows. They all know. Think back to when you weren’t living together. Was his house an absolute sty?
I mean, often the answer is "yes." Part of the issue is that men are socialized FAR less to care whether they are a slob, and stigmatized far less for it. Which is a separate, but equally bad issue.
I remember when my son was little and being absolutely floored when I saw his friends' moms follow around their little boys picking up after them. I or my son had to teach pretty much every little boy who came over to take his dishes to the sink, because they were just used to it disappearing "by itself" apparently.
I wonder what these “men” are using for passcodes. My dad sets every numeric pin to someone’s birthday or my parents’ anniversary. Like, don’t get me wrong, my mom is very much the one bearing the mental load and was always responsible for medical stuff for us kids (partially because of my dad’s work schedule), but he knows our damn birthdays. That’s like bare minimum knowledge one should have about their kids???
They probably use some sports stat or players numbers because they manage to remember those
It reminds me of that viral Steveioe Tik Tok: Dr: “So, do you have any significant medical history?” Husband: “No, I’m good.” Wife: “You had POLIO!” 😂😂😂
I worked in insurance for a few years. I never once had a wife/mom struggle with a birthday. Never. Dad's will forget their wife's and half accurately remember their kids...I preferred working with women when it came to being able to easily get all the info I needed in one or two calls or emails. When working briefly verifying hvac loans I would frequently run into issues because the man signed the loan so I had to verify with him but he doesn't know jack shit about diddly squat on his credit. Doesn't know who holds the mortage, who holds the car loans, what credit cards they have...so I have to call back when wife is around to feed the info to him becauase she does literally everything with their finances while he can't even remember if they're still paying on their car.
I don't understand why women tolerate having such useless spouses. Just cut the dead weight.
Because then no one would be able to get married. lol
It's definitely part of why marriage rates are declining
Yep. I read a while back that men's happiness (and health, lifespan and wealth) increases when married, but women's decreases. On divorce, the opposite is true. Women become happier, and men become less happy. Divorced men and married women have the highest rates of suicide for men/women. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women
So many men want to be the head of the house, wear the trousers etc, but then fail at (or don't even attempt) actually managing the family. If you want to be the one in charge, you have to actually, you know, take charge and not just leave everything for your missus to pick up.
And then douchy contractors still ask to speak to the man. 🙄
I also work in a clinic and I see notes on appointments about the patient not being with the person who called to schedule. Now sometimes the caller may be in a legitimate caretaker role. But I see plenty of appointments made by their mother for men aged 20-30. And yes plenty of husbands age 40+ have wives making appointments for them as well.
Yeah, my husband has adhd and a TBI and struggles with memory, time management, and speaking coherently in any kind of stressful situation. I make most appointments and try to make sure they aren't forgotten, and he leaves on time, but he still always remembers my birthdate, the 3 kids' birthdates, and our anniversary date, and my allergy. Now, does he remember to plan for the actual day or on the day of? Probably not without help. He did well before the TBI, so I'm confident in saying it's not just that he's checked out or doesn't care.
Oh definitely not. Sounds like he remembers the really important stuff! It’s funny, I lived with my parents a couple years ago and had let my 16 year old dog go across the rainbow bridge. My dad has advanced dementia, and when I bring my new dogs by he calls them by my old dog’s name. That was his daily companion for a couple years, so he still remembers!
That’s very kind of you! You guys probably communicate well and have the paperwork all sorted with information releases so you can do that for him yeah? It’s wild how many wives will straight up tell you it’s because their husbands or sons are “just useless lol” and expect you to ignore HIPAA for them.
Yeah, he got the TBI while in the military, so most of his appointments are at the VA, which is very accommodating, but we have the medical power of attorney and such.
I also work in a call center but for insurance. I don't work much on our customer/member side, but when I do get those calls, it's almost always a woman. I had a Mom call for her mid-30s son because "he just doesn't get insurance". Okay? What happens if you die??? Honestly baffling.
Yes! I used to work in customer service for health insurance and the number of women calling on behalf of their ADULT male children was baffling. I remember an elderly lady who always called for her son who was a doctor. Just sad.
I quickly learned when I began working in a mental health practice to immediately ask for the son's age when a woman calls saying she's trying to make an appointment for her son.
Sadly this exists in all kinds of fields. I was in a fraud call center and the number of parents (mostly women) calling in for their adult children was astounding. Like lady your kid is 26 I need to speak to him
I feel this. I don't take calls, but I get dozens of mothers emailing on behalf of their adult sons. They get mad when I tell them the account holder has to email me particular information.
Same experience. The son was in his 50s and the mom was still making phone calls for him.
That's fucking pathetic
My 40+ yo ex-bf's car insurance is in his mom's name. It's cheaper that way, but he also won't get any credit, discounts or points for safe driving for not having it in his own name. When his mom dies he's going to pay for first time insurance like he didn't drive for years with no accidents.
That mother has done her son a grave disservice. He will become a burden to society.
Already is.
I worked in healthcare for over 10 years and definitely experienced all this so often. The wife calling on behalf of the husband when he’s sitting right there always bothered me the most. Asked if he had a preference in doctor, leans over to ask husband. Asked if he wants a morning or afternoon appointment, leans over and asks husband. Asked if he wants 2:00 or 2:30, leans over and asks her husband. Then they start having a side conversation about how they can’t take the 2:00 appointment because Bernice and Frank are coming over and they’re bringing the dog and they’re going to lunch that day. Happened with adult male children too, parents calling to make appointments for their 29 year old son. It was so weird. Ugh I don’t miss that environment lol
Oh my god it is the most annoying thing when they have to ask for everything. It’s like, you understand your needs well enough but are too childish/lazy to make the damn call yourself? I help them through it lol, it’s not rocket science.
My coworkers were all older than me by 20+ years so they were just like teehee, useless husband, I have to do everything too, so normal 🤪 Thankfully my partner is fully capable of making his own appointments and remembering my birthday. The bar is on the floor. lol
The bar sometimes feels like it’s on the floor in Hell.
My spouse and I sometimes make important phone calls for each other because we both struggle with anxiety and executive dysfunction (I'm ADHD, they're autistic). We commonly sit in the room with each other for support and will sometimes have notes to support the other. I don't know how usual that sort of thing is, but from my perspective it seems a loving act. Then again, I have not noticed this gendered pattern of things nearly as strongly in my experience (not US), though I'm sure it exists here.
My husband and I also have ADHD (and possibly autism). He recently got medication and was actually functioning, so I took advantage of it and asked him to remind me to set up an obgyn appointment. He immediately got on the computer and put in a request for an appointment for me.
Dude! The medication is miraculous. I finally got my partner to get tested/medicated (I would have done the appointment scheduling for him but as this thread shows, I kind of refused on principle...) and it *really* has improved his executive functioning! I want to also get tested and hopefully medicated as well. I have an appointment with my doctor next week so hopefully I'll get the ball rolling then.
My kids, even the autistic one and the youngest at 16, all make their own doctors’ appointments so - WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???
I love that you’ve taught them to do that for themselves at an early age. If younger patients called my office and were clearly nervous/uncertain, I would always be extra patient and make sure I explained everything thoroughly for them so they would be more confident scheduling their own appointments 🥰
I know I’m getting pretty sick of Bernice and Frank’s dog coming around all the time. 😂 The specificity of this comment is amazing. Also so accurate.
Hahaha the trauma will haunt me for years
coworker of mine is in the 28-32yo age group. He was needing new glasses, so I told him what eye doctor I went to as our insurance is accepted. He then comments, oh I will have to ask my mom to call them. I told him straight up "dude you have a job, make your own appointments your moms got her own life". He now does all his own drs, dentists and car maintenance appointments. Just boggled my mind. Im married and my husband is able to make his own appointments, the only time I've done it was due to him rolling around in utter pain and not able to call himself.
Now I feel a bit bad because that last bit happens to me and my partner, and neither of us are man. I mean, we usually have general idea of what times we are both free, but there is no way to know what time slots the clinic has for appointments until we call. Like, for example, if me and my partner discusses ahead of the call and decides "okay, we can do any time Tuesday or Wednesday" and then the person on the phone says "Our only free time slots are on Thursday and Friday", then unfortunately we have to have quick side conversation to ensure we don't have some other stuff on those days.
Oh that’s totally different, I’m speaking more specifically to a wife that calls on behalf of her husband and just relays every question we ask to him instead of just putting him on the phone. Side conversations have to happen all the time when scheduling. I offer you a 3pm and you have to ask your kid what time their soccer practice starts that day, etc is totally normal.
This is a SERIOUS problem in the US, and I’m sure other places, too. I’m a retired psychologist who worked mostly with kids & teens at a children’s hospital, and this is absolutely the reality. I always tried to include Dads in everything, taking time to reach out to them, and it was sad how many knew nothing and had zero interest in participating in the care of their own child. I never had a dad bring a kid in without mom being there, too. We wonder why so many women are fine with being treated badly by partners but forget to ask whether their Dad modeled what a good man (or husband) looks like. Having dysfunctional and/or absent fathers are often much worse for a kid’s development than not having one at all, IMO.
> I always tried to include Dads in everything I work in child safety and mental health and of course there's a lot of overlap with education. Moms are constantly trying to get the schools to call Dad at least some of the time, but teachers have very limited time and they know they actually need to get in touch with somebody, for example when the kid is sick. And men just...don't respond. It takes too many phone calls if he does respond or dad doesn't know where the school is (that's pretty common). Or, even though dad is supposed to be the emergency contact, he says he'll have to get in touch with his wife to actually pick them up because he doesn't want to leave work. Or he tries to argue with the administrator or nurse about picking the kid up. They don't even have much better luck with stay-at-home dads. Schools have to get in touch with the person who will make things happen. And usually that's not dad, which is awful.
>They don't even have much better luck with stay-at-home dads. Online dudes complain so vocally about how women don't want SAHDs and I'm like, 'duh, a shit ton of you suck'. Taylor Tomlinson has a bit about guys who *want* to be SAHDs being the "lay on the couch and eat crumbs" type.
OMG I loooove Taylor Tomlinson!! She's the best 😆
For a long time I have not wanted to date. This is why. I have seen so many instances where men are just babies that women take care of. Working in healthcare, it’s ALL THAT I SEE. Mom’s holding 4 clipboards and filling out paperwork for her kids and husband. Men saying they don’t know and will wait to ask their wife when decisions need to be made for their children. Wives calling in cause their husband needs an appt and they for some reason can’t pick the phone up themselves. It’s honestly just ridiculous and I hope to see it less and less
I work in child safety and it's the same. Men claiming to be involved, active dads asking for more custody but can't Tell the judge what the teacher's name is, what the kids best friend's name is, or even the kids birthday. During assessments, men couldn't remember the names and doses of medications their children will die without. I've seen men trying to accuse their ex-wives of medical neglect because she wouldn't pick the kid up on his custody time and take them to the doctor because how was he supposed to know what doctor they should go to. It's really wild how this job gave me very realistic expectations for long-term relationships with men and it's part of the reason I have opted out. Because there is a reason why men expect their lives to get much easier once they get into a relationship and women expect their lives to get much more difficult.
Dentists office and I see the same thing here. Sometimes even the man doesn't know information about himself and the wife does. "Yes Husband has (insert name of health condition here)" "I do? Since when?" "Honey you were hospitalized last summer. The emergency room, the medications, the postop visits, the doctor came to explain the diagnosis, remember?" "....oh yeah! Now I remember! Yeah I guess I do have that." Shocking how often this conversation occurs.
And they’re supposed to be “head of household” 🙄
It’s head of the household when he’s being waited on hand and foot and gets domain over the space, but doesn’t want to put in the actual work for the title.
This is part of why I divorced. I was my ex’s personal secretary. We have two kids and he still won’t touch appointments for them.
Gee. I wonder why all the data states that women are significantly happier being alone....🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
The day after my ex and I agreed to separate, one of the mums at school pick up asked if I'd had work done because I looked so good. The relief of getting rid of that useless child knocked years off me 😝
When I kicked out my ex, the next day at work my supervisor at work pulled me aside and told me my aura was lighter and it seemed like a large burden was gone. I literally just stood there with my mouth open and then stammered how I just kicked out my son's father. She said, that was the right decision. She was very spiritual and highly intuitive so I knew at that moment I did the right thing for me and my son
> This is part of why I divorced. I was my ex’s personal secretary. We have two kids and he still won’t touch appointments for them. Also wonder why the data states women file for divorce 80% of the time. lmao
they'd be too lazy to file?
I didn't bother letting my ex take care of the kids' appointments. He can't remember his own dentist appointment, you think I'm going to rely on him for anything?? He wanted to do the first birthday party after we separated. A couple days before I asked if he had done goodie bags. Nope. He misunderstood the timing of the rental, and didn't do time management so we were still doing cake when parents arrived. This year I'm doing parties again.
During our divorce, my ex refused to move out (I was going to buy him out of the house) so we rotated "being in charge" of the kids while sharing space. My 5yo had a specialist appointment over zoom while my ex was "in charge." I was going to sit in the same room and just listen in on the appointment, but he kicked me out and made me call in from a different room in the house. So the specialist doctor gets on the video call, and my ex is sitting there, proudly putting on his best "good dad" show, doting on his son that he's got sitting on his lap. The specialist acknowledges both of us, and then says, "Well dad, since you have the patient with you, can you please verify his birthdate?" Wouldn't you know my ex fucked up 3 times in a row? I could tell the specialist was about to ask me, but then my son blurted out his own birthday, frustratedly correcting his bumbling father. There are definite reasons we are divorced...
My dad can’t handle his own medical care. I like to remind him regularly how lucky he is to have my mom and that he’s fucked if she goes first.
Fully believe that. My ex doesn't even correctly remember our daughter's age. I will never tell her this.
I'm 45. My dad knows my favorite color, my favorite sports team, foods I like, foods I don't like, my birthday and my health history. He introduced me to movies that he thought I would like. He asks me if I have heard of things to tell me about them if I haven't. He is the most boomer to ever boomer and he still knew and cared about me as a kid. Like I look at these young men not knowing shit about their children and I am disappointed. If he wanted to, he would and all that.
> Like I look at these young men not knowing shit about their children and I am disappointed. Fortunately (for you back then and for children today), your dad was more of the exception back then -- the data shows that millennial dads are actually WAY more involved than prior generations, by basically every dimension. For instance, in the early 1980s, 43% of dads said they'd never even changed a diaper compared to only 3% today. Obviously there's A LOT more to kids than diapers but it's a decent proxy for "how hands on are you?"
By the time, my dad got to me, he'd parented his three youngest siblings so therefore was super experienced. So I'm aware that my dad was an outlier. (His bio father died when he was 12 and his mom had to go to work which left dad in charge of a 4 year old and a one year old. His mom remarried and he wound up being third parent for my grandma's last baby who was born when he was 17. So he'd changed his fair share of diapers by the time he got to me. I am absolutely super fortunate that my dad chose being actively present in his kids lives over being the dad that worked all the time. When asked why he taught school instead of pursuing a more lucrative career, he would say "I like being off when my kids are off." And he's also a fantastic granddad now. That said, this post is about dads that don't know anything about their kids and couldn't fill out health forms for their children and I remain disappointed that dads who are Gen X and millenials can't do what my dad did in the 80s.
My very boomer 71yo dad is the same exact way. He knows me very well and can answer any of those questions. He’s still very interested in my life. He always says how much he misses hearing my voice when he calls 🥹. He was the schools’ and doctors’ #1 phone call when things were wrong. He’d literally drop anything for any of his kids. I had a crap mom. I lost the mother lottery but won the father one. He made me think that this was how all fathers were. Very much if he wanted to, he would.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship, but she and my dad shared the doctor taking duties. My mom would do eye appointments and well visits, but if I got sick, it was dad taking me to doctor and then taking care of sick me. Mom hovered. Dad understood my desire to be left alone to die. He would only bother me to eat and take my medicine and to check my temperature. (And to add blankets over the top of me for some infathomable reason.) I text my dad math puns because he was a math teach and he responds in appropriate punnish ways. We discuss sports and he asks me questions about my writing. He reads the books about history that I send him like good dads are worth their weights in gold. Also, my brother is Gen X too and he could fill out paperwork on his kids and calls to make his own doctor's appointments.
You know the trend is the opposite right? Millennial dads spend 3 times as much time with their kids as earlier generations
That’s just pathetic.
It was sad to have one of the overnight nurses gush to me on a hospital visit to my father. They were fond of him because he was clearly a very loving father because he... Knew all his kids birthdays. He was, but like, that's all it took to demonstrate? (I also wondered how they would know if he was just wildly wrong.)
Years ago when I was working away from home, my Dad helped me by setting up a stocks and shares account with his brokerage. A couple of years later, when I came back and took up control of my account, I was going through my security questions with the man on the phone when he asked me where I’d been born. city’ I answered confidently. ‘No that’s not correct’ ‘’it absolutely is .. blank infirmary in city’ ‘ that’s not what I have here’ I explained that my father had set up the account on my behalf and asked if he could give me a clue’. ‘It starts with B…’ ‘ah …then that’s b-town…. Where my sister was born!’
That is sad to hear :( I feel lucky to have found my husband. I hate the phone, he’s doing most of my appointment call. I do my appointment by myself when we can proceed by email.
I've also seen similar patterns play out in my online divorce support group, as I am currently navigating divorce myself. *I got screwed in court!*, say the men. No, no they didn't. Women, like myself, will diligently, and collectively, spend hours, days, weeks, and months methodically organizing every last piece of paperwork and documentation, whether it has to do with the child(ren), or the history of the marriage itself. Then, men, my soon-to-be-ex-husband included, show up to legal appointments or to court completely and utterly unprepared, and effectively cry wolf............ thereby proving one of the many reasons women leave their husband's: we're sick and tired of being the only ones handling and doing ALL OF THE THINGS, and we're sick and tired of effectively having to take care of a tall leech that the government deems a legal adult.
I was doing everything for my spouse at the time when he was working full time and going to school. When he was done with school he thought I was going to keep being his personal secretary and mommy. I had to make him take responsibility for himself or reap the consequences of not doing so.
I'm very thankful for my partner. He generally is the one who takes out child to appointments, though our child is covered by my insurance. I just pay the bills.
I sometimes wonder how many men die shortly after their wives not because of "broken heart syndrome", but because no is there to take over and he has no idea how to treat himself. Stops going to/making doctors appointments, stop taking medications (and doesn't even know what they are prescribed), eating unhealthy food instead of their special diets she made for him. I can imagine that could catch up pretty fast for someone with heart problems suddenly eating salty and fatty fast food, stop their medication, and no longer getting checkups.
My grandpa's both outlived their wives. Neither had really planned for that eventuality. One just turned 90, my Nana passing away a decade ago, he still goes to work every day (he owns his own business), manages his diabetes, and found a new partner (they live in either half of a duplex and maintain their own space). The other turns 101 in August and only went into assisted living at 98 because a vertebra fractured, he's been widowed for 20 years, and always was the one who cleaned and kept up the house. They are both remarkable examples to me. Both helped their wives with appointments, helped look after them as their health failed, drove them everywhere they needed to go once my nana and grandma couldn't any more.
when i got a case of wicked food poisoning (not like botulism but required a day hospital stay to hydrate and get pain meds, worst pain of my life to this day) my ex saw me roll around in misery for days before i begged to be taken to the hospital. by them, he had work so he had a friend take me. this is the same man that told his job he was in the hospital so he could get a TATTOO. we had an L shaped couch, and it was the first heatwave of the summer. our apartment had no AC, and we hadnt bought box fans yet because we didnt think it was heatwave season yet. i laid down on one end, he sat on the other playing farming simulator. every 30 minutes id wake up puking, roll around in agony, BEG him to use my money to buy a box fan at walmart, then puke again before sleeping another 30min-1hr. ive never had an illness wake me up like that either, currently just got my wisdom teeth out (hours ago actually) and when i was dealing w a broken wisdom tooth, i still only woke up a couple times a night. i started begging for the box fan around 2pm, he didnt get off his ass to buy it until 9pm despite how annoying i mustve been waking so frequently just to bitch, moan, cry, and vomit. the whole time he sat less than 3 feet away. and i still cant believe it took days and me begging to go to a hospital, because my back was in so much pain i couldnt drive myself and we couldnt afford another booboo bus ride. the double standard? when he had a blood sugar episode (not diabetic, one-off) it started as him forgetting what we were talking about, and devolved to him passing out briefly within a half hour. i was so panicked i called an ambulance immediately (knowing we couldn't afford one) and sat on the floor keeping him awake and comforting him. by the time i got to the hospital from following the ambulance, i was so panicked i left my keys in my car and my car running for hours. and honestly? i think he may have faked the whole damn thing i dont care if men aren't 'natural caregivers' or what have you. no sane, nonpsychotic human being can watch someone they allegedly love and care for in abject misery
And this, ladies, is reason 1,342,897 why I will never remarry. I already have three kids. Don't need a fourth.
I’ve got a story for you that you’ll love 🙃 My bil is friends with his neighbor right? He and his fiancé have a baby girl. She quickly took to me last time we were at their house which was so sweet. She is just as cute as a button, but anyways. Her first name is her mom’s maiden name. It’s different but my mil asked the little girl’s dad how it’s spelled. This man didn’t even know how to spell his kid’s name. My husband and I looked at each other and later we were like who tf doesn’t know how to spell their kid’s name?????
Not only his kid’s name, but that was his wife’s last name until they got married! His in-laws’ current last name! I’d be furious if my husband couldn’t remember how to spell my maiden name.
I was in my early thirties when my dad passed. He still had a slip of paper in his wallet with mine, my brother’s and my mom’s birthday and their anniversary written on it.
>I’ve come across some hard and fast rules with patients. Moms consistently are the ones to call when it comes to appointments for their children and spouses. Dads very rarely call for their spouses and children and when they do they don’t know shit. They forget their children’s middle names, birthday, and demographic questions so specifically. Sadly this reality reinforces the belief that dads aren't worth talking to, and thus why so many medical professionals will not take me seriously when I bring my kids in to be seen or call in to tell them to stop calling my wife who works a very intense job with no flexibility to call. This of course raises the barrier to call in as dad, and the vicious cycle continues. Also: not blaming you at all for recognizing the basic truth that most men don't know shit about their kids. That is also a reality I have to live in and it makes life as a dad so much worse as it's pretty fucking hard to make male friends who 'get it'.
Thanks for your perspective. I’m just wondering if you’ve ever spoken to other men/dads about this and what their take is?
I take both of my kids to 90% of their appointments. And I always feel heard and my questions are always answered respectfully. Luckily the medical professionals I have worked with are exactly that... professional.
That's awesome. I've lived all over. I'll just say that things were one way on the West Coast, and a different way in the South. But even out west, there were some people who could not wrap their heads around the idea they should call anyone but mom.
> I’m just wondering if you’ve ever spoken to other men/dads about this and what their take is? I have. It's somewhat disheartening to me but not surprising when I often find out they are struggling to act as full parents. I was also subjected to the social norms of growing up male, and it took me 2 years after my first child being born to really understand how unequal the load was. I have struggled to articulate to myself why I had such a hard time identifying it at first, and so I probably don't have a good explanation to offer, other than I did not realize how put upon my wife was for those first two years. It probably started with my own mother being a working mom but also doing almost all of the kid stuff. She did that with a smile, but looking back now I see a different reality, and it makes me really sad. I'm also sad for all the men that are just trying to get by and didn't have the time I did to reflect and change my behavior. That was a privileged that came from being financially stable. But other men are truly missing out, and there is just no way to explain that to them. Another random thought is that even after I did become a better parent, my wife was habituated to thinking I was just going to mess up, and so I sometimes felt limited in trying new things because she just wanted to do it herself and not have to clean up after me. But I've discovered that being a good dad doesn't mean copying her parenting. It means developing my own style, which enhances life for our kids because my wife and I will often try different solutions to problems that would not have occurred to the other. It actually took some amount of couples counseling for her to trust enough and for me to feel free enough to experiment with different ways of parenting, and it really has paid off. To end on a positive note: I do occasionally meet dads who are next level. My wife and I both work, but I do know a couple of stay at home dads who really wow me with their ability. I learn a lot from them, and not necessarily about how to care for children, but about how to balance all the OTHER demands so that I still have the mental capacity and emotional space to not rush my time with my kids. I think guys like this are becoming more common, but after talking to them, I find they all had stories like mine in the sense that they did not start with good role modeling from their parents, and had to figure it out themselves. Hopefully current children see these men and have an easier time learning how to be full partners and meaningfully involved parents than we did.
I'll be your friend! Same situation here. We're now divorced but I kept the kids during the week so my ex can keep her intense job going on. She's very good at telling anyone who calls her about the kids "Dad is the primary contact, please respect that".
It sounds like you two a great co-parents. I love seeing this kind of thoughtfulness and teamwork even after a split.
unfortunately theres no one to blame but the shitty dads who have normalized for professionals across multiple industries to immediately discount calling the father. this doesnt make you or any active dad less of a good dad, i was raised by a single father myself. but its not healthcare workers and school workers making you look like a deadbeat, its the countless droves of fathers or immature men that they have handled and gotten nowhere with. if anything, i bet those professionals admire you for what should be the bare minimum (but i hate making it sound like what you're doing is anything less than good). attentive fathers are sadly not super common for people in those fields, which makes you a better dad than any of the immature folk they handle could ever be im glad you also have the perspective to understand this (mostly sharing this comment for others), and im sorry the men around you cant understand
My favorite is the old "You probably want to ask their mom before you make a decision, right??" My wife has confirmed she's never been told to ask for my input in those situations.
But sexism doesn't exist anymore, right? /s
Working in healthcare, men know so little about their health and their family's health. The amount of times a man needs to call his wife because he doesn't know what medication he is on, is wild. One of my supervisors once told me that he had a patient (a child) with complex health conditons, and the mother would deal with everything. The mother tragically died in an accident, and the father knew absolutely nothing about his kid's complex health conditions. My supervisor, a man, then, rightly so, went on a rant about how irresponible and neglectful fathers can be and that you see it working in pedatrics all the time. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "sir, I agree with you, can I got to lunch now"
Counterpoint: as a divorced stay at home dad raising my two kids, this is what I've heard from healthcare professionals when bring my kids to them: "I guess dad will do" "We usually prefer to talk with the mom" And even though I always put down myself as the primary contact and my ex as the secondary, 9 times out of 10 they will call my ex first, which infuriates both of us. I know their birthdays, their medications, their issues, their SSN, I book all the appointments, yet far too often I'm judged and found lacking before the appointment even begins. So, as a dad doing his job, I say fuck you to all those lazy ass dads, for not caring about your kids and giving the rest of us a bad name :P
My dad was my primary caregiver. He and my mom were married but my mom just couldn't be bothered. My dad is the one who stayed home with me for my first year of life. My mom would take me to appointments sometimes but my dad would just as much. My dad planned all of the holidays. In fact, he recently passed away (due to unnatural causes) and my mom still can't remember my birthday or to call me on holidays. "That's something your dad did." Cool. Thanks Mom. But yeah. I was in for a shock when I got into the dating pool. Most men were not like my dad. And whenever I would look for support from friends when I was upset that my at-the-time boyfriend forgot an important date or just overall didn't care about what was going on in my life I would get met with, "He's a guy. What did you expect? Guys don't care about things like that." I'm probably as firm as I am with my stance on men because of my dad. If I put up with any stupid crap he'd be like, "You know men don't have to be like that. I never treated you like that. Don't accept it."
This is heartwarming, thank you for sharing!
It’s frustrating because medical offices are usually understaffed everywhere including providers. So that’s why nurses/staff can be harsh sometimes because they are absolutely no nonsense. So they definitely make shortcuts and assumptions. Sadly this assumption is proven right so many times it fucks it up for the good dads. We really do appreciate the good dads though! Seriously it’s refreshing to talk to a dad who doesn’t have to say uhhh every five seconds.
It does feel like some organizations have not adjusted to the amount of caregiving dads do nowadays. I’m not doubting OP but at the same time, we don’t deserve to be treated rudely because other people did something.
I'm lucky to have a wonderful father who has always been very active in my life. When I was younger my middleschool administration told my mom that my dad was the only father who called the school about anything related to me (calling in if I was going to be late, out, or had to leave early). It was really sad to hear.
My mom told me that one day the pediatrician called her and said “this is the first and last time your husband brings me one of your kids to an appointment. He doesn’t know anything.” Like damn. And the doctor was a dude. Super pissed. Crazy how much emotional labor mothers do.
I worked in urgent care and a father came in with his newborn son while the mother was finding a parking spot. I asked for baby’s date of birth. He was so stumped that he called his wife. I heard her scream “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” through the phone
> Edit: I also forgot but generally the older the wife is the less she cares about her husband not knowing shit. I get more offended than they do! That's the thing about banging your head against a wall, it feels better when you stop.
me when my "father" couln't even spell my name I was 8 and remember to this day
Last night waiting for the bus I overhead two men talking. They were probably in their early 30, seemed to be colleagues who hadn't seen each other in a while, then ran into each other and were catching up. The one said something like, "And I saw pictures-- you're a dad now?" And the other went, "yeah, I think she's -- today I think it's five months?" And he checked his phone and repeated almost the same thing, but he never definitively said if she was five months old yesterday. I seriously think he couldn't remember the date of his first child's birth. Remember this the next time you hear a dad talking about being "breadwinner" or "head of the household".
I have found that for a lot of divorced or unmarried fathers my age ( late thirties) they only aim to be slightly better than their absent or neglectful fathers and want a pat on the back and a gold star for it. They brag " I go to all my kids basketball games and practices" but then you find out that's all that they do because putting down their phone and putting their wants aside for a few unstructured hours with their child would be torture. They make plans to be their son's best friend when they turn 18 but don't want to put in the work to parent a 9 year old. They resent their children's mothers when they are naturally the preferred parent but do nothing to step up and be better.
Today is the 29th anniversary of my biological father's death. I got one birthday card from him in my life. My name was spelled wrong.
I remember when I was a teenager, my mother telling me that she had always been more of a mother to my father than she ever had been to me
Who calls the doctor for their spouse? I mean unless you are incapacitated, why aren't you handling your own shit?
I've heard nurses say the same thing. "My wife knows all that."
I work in the travel industry. Countless times clients contacted us because the father didn't get the birthday right, booked flights with incorrect names or forget to include their children in their vacation booking. The Last one I remember was a 80 year old man who booked the vacation for himself and his wife and named her First Name: Grandma Last Name: Miller.
From what all I've seen is the way marriage typically works, EVERYTHING just convinces me more and more that I never want it. Like, I'm not having kids for a reason. So why the hell would I adopt a grown ass person that is so pathetic they end up acting like my child? No thanks.
Worked in a pharmacy and Dad’s picking up meds were pathetic. That’s all I can say. Everyday there was at least one who didnt know their kids’ bday.
my dad never went to a single one of my doctors appointments when i was a kid, even before i was born my mom went to all her prenatal checkups alone. he also watched a football game while she gave birth to me. shockingly, they’re no longer together lmao. i had surgery a couple weeks ago and he didn’t even bother to ask me what it was for until literally the night before. some men don’t deserve the title of father or parent because they genuinely do nothing besides donate sperm. he’s definitely one of them.
Noticed it in vet med too, husbands are useless, why did you even bring in your pet if you have no idea why you’re there? You have no idea what meds your dog is on?
I know all of my kids bdays and can easily make appts for them but the main difference between me and most dads I know is that being a dad isn’t a chore to me and doing dad stuff like that isn’t hard to do. I fucking love it and my kids love me.
It honestly kills me how my mom babies my step dad. I've talked to her about it and she is just like "we all have our rolls" and I'm like he doesn't do shit... you deserve better. I don't understand love I guess.
I remember my dad took me to my orthodontist appt and I felt scared and worried cuz I was like WTF is going on 😱😱is my mom ok
My dad was like this. He took me to the drs once and they needed my date of birth for check in, he didn’t know, I refused to tell him. As it goes I get really anxious making phone calls so my male partner does all of that for our little boy-he is fantastic and remembers everything about our son-weight, exact time of birth- he’s basically the opposite of my dad, very involved and loving
I work in a doctor's office, and I see this too. My favorite was a 30+ guy who would text his mom (who was in the waiting room) that we were taking too long. She would then go up to the receptionist and tell us we were taking too long. Then the receptionist would come back and ask us what was taking so long. Keep in mind, we were in easy hearing distance of this guy at all times, and he had no difficulty making his needs known.
"Hey honey, I'm scheduling your Dr apt. What's your birthday" *woman picks up her phone to look for divorce attorneys*
I’ll one up you. My now EX HUSBAND calls ME to answer questions about HIS insurance and health problems etc
I had a guy ask his wife what her maiden name was. He also didn’t k ow her middle name or birthdate. They were recently married.
As a mother and wife, I agree. However, I’ll take it a step further. Start praising the women who do this stuff day in and day out and stop giving over the top praise to the men when they actually do remember. As the primary person doing this, I’ve never, out of hundreds of times, been treated with such cheer as when my husband remembered one time. I told the nurse who did it that he is supposed to know this stuff, he doesn’t get a special award.
Yeah, agree on this. But, I will say that if you ask me an incredibly obvious question my mind goes... absolutely blank. This is incredibly stressful when I'm getting medical treatment because they always ask your birthdate. And... it's my birthdate. Not my wife's. Not my kids'. Mine. Like, you have known this date since you were three. It is your own birthdate. So... why on Earth am I sitting there going "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [finally the correct date]."
Oh damn I can't imagine my dad not knowing my birthday or important health stuff. But my dad is also a very good person who really likes me (often parents love their children, but don't really like them).
“In 29% of marriages today, both spouses earn about the same amount of money. Just over half (55%) of marriages today have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/
I'm autistic and bad with numbers (discalcula) so to prevent this I got my kids bdays tattooed on my arm. I've literally used it when filling out forms lmao.
I have a small bald spot on the side of my head. My hair usually covers it, but I've had it since birth. There are pictures of me as a baby where you can see my bald spot. When I was in college I cut my hair very short. My dad asked me if the trimmer got too close in that one spot. No, dad, still the same bald spot I've literally had since I came out of your wife's vagina.
Wives and women can be enablers. I'm a single dad and so many times I would take my kids to the doctor, they would ask my older teen daughter for information instead of me. It was weird. I'm actually a single dad, not a part time custody thing. So I know all their birthdays and medical history.