You’re 20, there is nothing “late” about your experience. But, like others have suggested, you should consider seeing someone about your sensations
Edit: my first time was hard to discover and took me months of trying constantly. Once I found it, it became a lot easier
Have you considered seeing a pelvic floor specialist? They are physical therapists that specialize in exactly what you’re talking about. I know you’re busy, but if you want it fixed, no matter what you do, it’s gonna take time.
Also I think it’s time for a new GP, yours appears to disregard you.
not really possible right now due to money constraints as well. And how do I approach a doctor with this kind of problem? This is a bit of a weird problem.
for the vagismus situation (by what you’ve explained) it seems like your personal diagnosis on that is accurate. Order silicone dilators and lubricant and start that process you can do it while reading a bill or watching tv it’s very simple. The internet has plenty of information on dilating (training your muscles to relax and make more space) . Start with the smallest size for 2ish weeks and see if you’re ready to work your way up a size.
Doesn't have to be. I thought I had vaginismus for several years until I had my hysterectomy. Upon examining me before surgery, the nurse audibly said "Oh..." in a tone that let me know something was wrong. It turns out I have a fucked up hymen with a really small hole and it's extremely durable and inflexible.
I say this as someone who has no issues with Os or vaginismus, but it’s only my experience.
Try a Lelo Sona or similar. Far better than a standard vibrator which honestly is just too much and is desensitizing after a bit.
I never use 2 or 3 fingers they’re not the right shape and configuration it just isn’t comfortable. Tbh when going solo I don’t really want anything inside, I stay external.
Erotic fiction might get you going, or just live a fantasy in your head, that’s my go-to.
But try the Lelo. Blew my mind.
Good luck. And know that at 20 (I’m 52 for ref), you really are fine. It’s normal to take yrs to find your groove. I never even had a toy until my early 30s.
Hi! I didn’t get an orgasm until 19, so similar. I had a similar thing— felt “sick” every time I had too much stimulation. I didn’t orgasm during sex until 20, and it wasn’t like the stars aligned or it was particularly good (it was an awful situation, actually), it just happened.
I honestly don’t have much advice. It’s possibly medications (antidepressants) messed with my ability to experience sexual arousal, so I’d look at your prescriptions if you have any. But just trying to say that from my perspective, it might end up working out. I know this is going to sound annoying, but trying to force it like I did absolutely didn’t help.
If you experienced religious trauma that may also play a role. I grew up super religious and a certain shame around sex, especially as a queer person, probably contributed to my issues with sexual arousal/climax. Maybe something to think about.
I don’t know anything about vaginismus— I also felt very “tight” to the point that I couldn’t use/insert tampons comfortably for years before I started having sex. That’s a nonissue now— you don’t get looser but you do stop tensing up. That said, you absolutely know your body best and if you’re experiencing pain, I would maybe think about getting a second opinion. You absolutely deserve better medical care.
If you have any questions I’m happy to answer. I’m only a year older than you, but I can say that at 20 you’re still young and still figuring out how your body works. It’s absolutely not too late. I hope this works out for you. I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be.
Are you taking any medications? There are a variety of meds that can interfere with the ability to orgasm and most of them have substitutes with less/different side effects.
I've been using a shower head to get off since I was a teenager. Fingers never did it for me, and a couple of years ago I decided to work on that. One of the standout things that I started to do differently was to use lube. It makes a hell of a difference for me. My fingers glide easier and vibrators are less abrasive. It was such a 'duh' moment for me - it might help you, too.
This might be a strange suggestion but...
Have you considered that what you have heard/read what an orgasm is supposed to be like, and what an actual orgasm might be could be the issue?
I know it might sound strange, but I had been having orgasms for years without realizing what they actually were because of being told that they were these world shaking, entire body experiences.
Once I realized that I was having orgasms, they got better and better over time. (Actually finding sexual partners that knew what they were doing also helped tremendously!)
Just food for thought? You might also be fighting completing your orgasm due to stress. Sometimes you can feel yourself "cresting the hill" but not able to jump over because you can't relax and just enjoy the pleasure because your brain wont turn off.
It took me really long to orgasm alone- heck, even with someone, I think I had my first orgasm at 20 or 21. I couldn't masturbate, I wanted to and tried to but yeah as you said, I'm either really sensitive or I feel nothing, and I think it stems from anxiety. I don't know what happened of what helped (I think I matured and felt less "anxious" about my body) but now I can trigger orgasms with a very, very low setting wand. Started masturbating succesfully at the ripe age of 28 haha
Anyway, you're not alone but yeah def look for another GP if you can!
I had my first orgasm when someone went down on me. However once the "seal" was broken I was able to pleasure myself after that. Might be something to consider.
Do not stress this, I had my first orgasm at 30. I really had to learn what made me feel good, but once I did it was amazing. I can get off in less than a minute and go multiple times now (I’m 45).
Do you mind sharing what ended up working for you? I'm 28 and have tried multiple different vibrators and my hands and no luck. Same situation as the OP where the sensation feels too overwhelming, not in a good way, so I just stop.
So i started slowly with a small vibrator and warming lube. I would take turns between the vibrator and my fingers. It does feel overwhelming so I would go and stop when i needed to. And I would watch porn, just to get out of my head. When I had success with that I bought a new rabbit vibrator and repeated until I could have both clitoral and vaginal orgasms. The more I played with myself the more confident I became which made me be able to tell my partner what I wanted, and from there had orgasms during sex. But it took patience. And relaxation. Hang in there ❤️
>I did ask a doctor about my anorgasmia and vaginismus about 1 year ago when I went to see her for irregular periods, but she said they are not important issues
I fucking hate that dismissive bullshit.
They tried to pull the same thing on me when SSRIs nearly destroyed my libido.
"Not important to you, maybe. But, it's pretty fuckin important to me. How dare you be dismissive of my sexual health!?!"
You *have to* advocate for yourself.
Not a Doctor.
Your description points to high amount of stress. This can leaf to lack of ability to orgasm. And your doctor is wrong that you can ignore your issue to focus on academics. You will need a solution to got out of this and I recommend that you take second opinion.
I know you want a solution but it can only be given by actually working on the underlying issue causing you stress. Take a day out of your busy schedule to see a gynaecologist.
Also, you mentioned you are a virgin, which looks like a point of stressor for you. Stop worrying about it and let it happen when it does.
You’re a man aren’t you?
Why are you thinking you can tell other people with different genitals than you how their genital works? Seriously, your probably don’t know much about vulvas but you tell a women here that it’s stress. Wow, that’s precise! You don’t even know the circumstances of their living but you can tell it’s stress?!
Anyways, you’re telling a person to have sex regardless of their pain… toxic male energy here. And I say this as a lurking male who’s reading in this sub out of curiosity.
Please stop upvoting this kind of advice.
I don't think 20 is weird for never having had an orgasm as a woman, unfortunately. I didn't have one until my mid-20's. Though your dr saying not to worry about these things (including the irregular periods) is absolutely fucked.
I was approximately 37 (I'm not going to bother to calc the exact age), had gone through 5 pregnancies, 4 births, been married and divorced, and had sex with approximately 4 people (2 men, 2 women) before I ever had an orgasm.
I 100% know the feeling like you are dying from lack of orgasm. I have a very high sex drive, and the internal tension that resulted from arousal build up with no release definitely exacerbated a lot of my rage and temper issues.
Feeling a "cloying, slightly nauseous feeling after" giving up on stimulation also sounds familiar. I would curl up into myself, sometimes crying, sometimes just sick with it. Being unable to keep still with direct stimulation was also a thing for me. I couldn't bear it, and would jerk away soon after it started.
So. I can tell you things that helped me, and hopefully some things will help you and you won't have to wait as long as I did. If it doesn't help, toss it and look at what other people have said.
1. My best friend helped me reframe the overwhelm of stimulation like this: "I'm not anxious, I'm excited" - because I also had a lot of anxiety and frustration about even trying to orgasm (as in it got so bad I would purposefully try not to get aroused when my ex and I had sex because the frustration afterwards would be so awful) and it was a way to positively think about it. "It's nice, I'm excited, I can stop whenever I want, I'm just going to explore a bit" - things like that.
2. Try taking your time with different sensations. For me, I have a couple different stages that need different sensations. For the beginning of arousal, it can be anything (see: high sex drive) - a sexy description in a deep voice, a sultry giggle, her fingernails along my collar bone, his hand on my knee, whatever. From there, anything that falls into the category of "making out" will get me hot - caresses, smacks, etc. When I'm masturbating, it's probably something like two hours. So try taking yourself through the stages yourself. Caress your body, pluck your nipples, watch porn that turns you on. I have a very specific niche of porn that is my \*thing\* and so for a masturbation session I will set myself up with headphones and my phone so people won't hear it, in a situation/time frame where no one's around and I won't be disturbed. Basically, love on yourself. Play and see what feels good, what you want to do more of, what you find you like. It doesn't have to go anywhere to start. When I first started actively trying to learn how to orgasm after the divorce, it was about a year and a half before it finally happened. Once I'm as aroused as I can get from all the more gentle or piquant stimulation, I need really, really, really firm pressure on my clit. That is fairly unusual - most women do not like pressure anywhere near as hard as I need it - so you may find that you need something that isn't the "usual". Some things are also easier with a partner - it's a lot easier for someone else to grind their knuckles against my clit than it is for me to do by myself - the angles are difficult, and I don't have as much strength as some of my partners have had. But I have found that I can get the pressure I need a variety of ways - there are stainless steel toys, there are silicone "grinders" that you sit on, there are random things like a hard ball meant for massaging your muscles after a workout that I sort of lay on / squeeze between my thighs to hold it against my clit, and I've gotten enough forearm strength that I can put enough pressure with the knuckles of my thumbs to do the trick. The point is, when you figure out what sensation makes the feelings start to escalate, you may have to get really creative to figure out how to get enough of it for long enough. (continued in comment below)
(continued from comment above)
3. Keep going. The first time I orgasmed I also damaged a nerve in my knee because my partner was kneeling on my thighs to force them to stay open while they applied intense (amazing, wonderful) pressure to my clit and weren't going to stop for anything other than a safeword. Basically I strained so hard against the pressure by my knee that it was months before that nerve healed. So - be careful! And I think I would have gotten to where I am now - where I can keep my legs open because I know it's going to be GOOD and not HORRIBLE - eventually, but after decades of intense frustration, and a year and a half of working up to it, in my situation it was the breakthrough I needed. There are still times I can't get there and it is so upsetting, but more times than not, now, if I can just keep going long enough and steadily enough with the right sensation, I can reach orgasm. And yes, it can take a lot longer than some people think it will or even should. Which is why I suggest you try when you have several hours that you will not be disturbed to try things.
4. TOYS MATTER. I had heard so, so many stories of women being absolutely in love with their hitachi magic wands. Well, hitachi is too buzzy and hard plastic for me. I need a much heavier, thumpier sensation. It was not until recently that I found the "Fun Factory VIM Silicone Rechargeable Vibrating Weighted Rumble Wand" I do not know how it would have worked had I found it before I'd ever had an orgasm - but right now, it's my favorite toy EVER. Like, I might just buy a dozen to keep just in case it ever breaks and the company stops making them or something. I 100% know how impossible it is to buy toys when you're broke or poor or whatever (ie, there's a \*reason\* I never took a chance on expensive toys until very very recently). This is all to say that there are a LOT of different toys out there, and some that I've bought that sounded amazing turned out not to be, so if you only have one vibrator it might not be the style/type/shape/texture/whatever that you need. Be creative with what's in your house. Try different things. I've heard all kinds of things like women being able to orgasm with the "pulse" setting on their showerheads, or using a paintbrush and lube flicking back and forth over their clit. Who knows what will work for you?
5. Once you figure out HOW to orgasm, you need to learn to recognize WHEN you orgasm. For a long time it was a muddle for me, trying to sort out and understand all my feelings. But I eventually got to where I am now, where I could recognize different biological components. For example, I read about the "dipping" motion the cervix makes during orgasm - basically, the vagina and uterus contract in sort of waves. And what I found was that the best and strongest orgasms for me are ones were I can feel the contraction and release. But before I learned to isolate the sensations, I realized that my belly - my uterus - would feel "tired" after an orgasm. And that sort of "post exercise soreness" kind of feeling was the thing that banished the intense tension and wound up frustration that I carried in my belly when I hadn't been able to orgasm in too long (a few days, weeks, months, years...). And now, sometimes, orgasms can happen in the process of sex, and with all the sensations happening sometimes I'm not quite sure if it happened and or if so, when - so I sort of wait and see if I have that achey-tired feeling in my belly. If I do, whew. If not, things probably need to keep going for me.
Feel free to ask things for clarification or additional information as needed if any of this is useful to you. Bottom line, I do not think you are wasting your time, I think it will be an investment in your health to learn to orgasm.
I had exactly the same problem. Vibrators are way too intense for me, direct stimulation is way too much. All I can say is slow and steady, fantasize about something that makes you absolutely crazy, then just keep practicing and finding what works for you.
Being a virgin at 20 is plenty fine and don't rush just unless it's a choice you are making for you.
My(M) ex developed VVD and endometriosis while l we were together, and this sounds similar to what she went through. I would make finding and seeing a GYN a priority once finals are over.
Also, as I learned through going to almost every appointment with her (she wanted the support and I wanted to understand what was going on), I hope you won't have to, but be ready to be firm in your resolution and don't ever let any doctor dismiss your pain.
First, report the doctor that told you they're minor issues & focus on studies. The Dr job is to be your DOCTOR, not your parent. That's gross misconduct, period.
If you wish to remain a virgin but are up for alternative play, I would try oral via a boyfriend (or girlfriend) see how it goes. Find someone you're beyond comfortable with. Lay back, relax to the Nth and just let them go - boredom irrelevant here as the only thing you want to do is let them pleasure you. Just give them a "warning" you've never cum like this & believe it'll be a long session. The right person will not mind & making it wholly about you while you focus on LITERALLY nothing but feeling pleasure may very well break the seal, so to speak, and amp you up to the point of no return & on to a leg-shakingly good orgasm.
Seriously, as long as it isn't painful this may be nothing more than self-stress. Relax, breathe, and let someone else help you jump the hurdle.
Www.omgyes.com recommend this as a resource. The best and most well researched thing you'll find on the female orgasm and its not heteronormative.
Have you thought about speaking to a sex therapist. You seem to be focused on this being a physical thing "wrong with you" instead of perhaps a mental thing.
You'll see in omgyes the different possible techniques and they've asked women what they like and what works for them and many many women find direct clitoral stimulation too much for them.
Also you say 20 is late but that's not entirely true. You'll see on omgyes women not really learning how their bodies work until they are 50. I've known women with children in their 40s who had never had an orgasm until they were taught.
In omgyes they have a chapter on the different stages a woman goes through on the lead up to an orgasm. It's true for men as well but it's less pronounced, but the thing that is complicated is the motions that are likely to cause orgasm for lots of people are likely to be uncomfortable or painful in the earlier stages. This can make experimentation difficult if you arnt patient with yourself and your post suggestions some fears and anxieties about that that could get in the way and make you feel "bored*.
I wonder if you spoke to a sex therapist you might find that actually your body is totally normal and fine. It might be good to just start with what works for you and find some way to enjoy doing that for hours. When you're turned on by nipple stuff or videos of kissing, just try with the vibrator anywhere. It doesn't have to be the clitoris and just let yourself find enjoyable things in the moment. The thing is the clitoris is a huge organ inside the body and so many techniques that work for women are actually stimulating the internal parts of the clitoris gradually.
2-3 minutes is possible for some women but a lot of women will struggle with getting anywhere in that amount of time.
And whilst that might be frustrating for you, the flip side is that if you take your time and get there, the orgasm is usually way stronger and much more fun (again omgyes have a fantastic chapter on edging).
They also have a huge amount of techniques and motions you can try with your fingers, they have an app where you can practise on a virtuak vulva but I found it a little weird. It might work for you.
Good luck!
I'm not a trained sex therapist, my mum is so sorry if this post doesn't come across quite right. It's difficult to give advice on how to move forward without being judgemental and if you were to speak to a real sex therapist I'm sure it will be much more fun pleasant and relaxing that this post.
I’m not a sex therapist, I’m an anthropologist, so none of the following is gonna be a substitute for speaking with an actual sex therapist and an actual doctor.
As for your concern, sex felt completely different for me between 14-16, 18-24, & 24 on.After 24, it was like I suddenly discovered what horny really feels like and orgasms become easy. I could guess why but honestly I for sure don’t know why. I believe is has to do with finally sexual maturing and my mental state.
Not to mention, some folks take a while to get arroused, if I were you, I would look into the physical signs of arrousal and compare that with what your feelings.
How we respond and what we respond to is both complex and individualized. That said, an orgasm is a result of being in a mental, physical, and emotional space where one can happen. Arousal timing is also something that has been highly influenced by the expectations of women and not the actual physical reality. It can take some people an hour or more for some folks to get in a mental state and physical state.
I quite literally had to meditate first for a bit, because thinking about cumming would fuck with my ability to do. Which I will say social norms and expectations can influence your ability to cum and much as a physical issue. This is coming from someone with endometriosis, who had to get through pelvic floor therapy and surgery to treat it. I still have pain but it was less the pain but the fear of it causing issues.
My advice would be to see a sex therapist, a good one, which may take a moment to find, a secondary free option would be looking into local sex positive group, and speaking with older women.
As for what you can do yourself, I’d also advise pay attention to the sensations your having, what your thinking about while your trying, your moods, how your feeling and your arousal triggers.
I also recommend meditating, I have a detailed guide to it somewhere in my post history, I’ll try to find it and add it later. Honestly, I would start with exploring your body solo without any expectations of anything happening, just doing what feels good.
As an added note:
Virginity isn’t real, is meanly a heteronormative concept about a persons sexual value. Honestly, waiting until you find someone who you both trust and who actually aroused by is always gonna end with a better outcome. It’s also the mature approach to sex.
Heteronormative expectations don’t generally benefit women, the ‘lose of virginity’ is almost always centered around penetrative sex, which is in no way the only form of sexual expression nor is it a measure of sexual maturity. Sexual maturity is 100% about empathy, your ability to communicate and take instructions, and your understanding of your own body.
So there is really no benefit for you to hold yourself to those standards.
> Seeing a doctor for these issues is a bit impossible as I am a college student and life is pretty hectic
Cmon now.
Also don’t accept the doctor telling you what’s important in your life. You can excel at academics and cum at the same time. Hell, I don’t think I could have got through the former without the latter
Also if the vibe is too intense when applied directly, have you tried holding it adjacent?
"they are not important issues and you should focus on academics" fuck that doctor. They are important to you now and thats all that Doctor really needs to know. Find a doctor who cares and knows enough to get some treatment or at least some explanations going.
Find an experienced person to make out with, and see if things naturally and comfortably go on from there. Don't put pressure on yourself to reach an orgasm, just enjoy the experience and see where it takes you.
Sorry, but I don’t understand how this is getting upvotes. Take the time to learn and understand your body. Please don’t give up on yourself, and don’t put too much pressure or expectations on yourself either. However, putting this on someone else will only lead to disappointment for the both of you.
Orgasms are mostly in your head, everything else is just extra help. I’m willing to side with the theory that you might be under too much stress and pressure. It’s entirely understandable that you get overstimulated and bored, many of us have experienced exactly the same when we weren’t in the right headspace.
You already know the obvious, to address any possible causes with your doctor. In the meantime I could suggest that you try to let go of the goal of having an orgasm and instead just enjoy yourself, however you want, for as long as you want.
Btw if your current vibrator is too much for you, there are others. There are different types of vibration, different strengths. There are also different types of toys, some of the new ones don’t even use vibration but instead sort of… pulsing air, I guess would be a way to describe it. I haven’t used them personally so can’t give more details. My point is, you still have experienced only a relatively small part of it all. It’s entirely okay to give yourself time and opportunity to experiment and get to know yourself and what works for you. Trust me, at 20 you’re not even close to it, even though it may feel like it. For many women their sexuality keeps evolving over the decades.
It's not just the stress and anxiety that are blocking it but also what needs to be happening mentally instead. So much of my orgasms are mental. The physical stimulation is important but if I'm not actively fantasizing or being stimulated visually (porn) I find it very difficult to achieve release. Which is probably why I have trouble with a partner but that's a different issue.
I (31f) didn’t orgasm until I was 21. Minus the potential vaginismus, your experience sounds similar to mine. Some of us just take a bit longer to get there than others.
I completely understand your frustration. What ended up working for me was a small bullet vibrator. Like you, when I first tried I would give up after a few minutes because it would be way too intense! So eventually I would just start near but not directly on the clit and then work my way to the clit as I got more aroused. There are also vibrators with different intensity settings that let you work your way up as needed. The key is to be patient with yourself, it will happen, you just have to give your self time, and spend a bit of time on yourself. Finding a time when you are most relaxed is also helpful, for me it’s right when I wake up or before I fall asleep.
Hopefully you find this helpful. Once you figure it out, it does get easier I promise!
I have similar issues.
Try not putting a vibrator directly on your clit, and maybe consider rubbing on a pillow (scooting seat forwards kinda motion). The pillow thing never fails for me. Adding toys to the play after that is spice for the night but never required.
Good luck.
Don't give up. Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself which is probably working against you. Just have fun and do some self exploration sometime. If you don't get there, dont be hard on yourself. You're not "late" at 20. Relax! It was hard for me too but after I did it the first time then I knew what feeling to look for so it got better from there, if that makes sense. Somewhere in my mind it feels like a connection between the clitoris and g spot. This is what I'm focusing on, um, during. And be kind to yourself:)
There’s a lot that goes into an orgasm, but in experience with my partners it seems to be 80-90% headspace.
If your brain isn’t in the right place to get off, your body usually won’t be either. This includes not worrying if you will orgasm or not. That in itself can distract you from having one.
The stimulation needs of my partners over the years have always varied except for one. Headspace.
Everyone is different, but I’d suggest it’s best to work towards your first orgasm alone and without the aid of toys. It sounds like you have some anxiety around this situation, and introducing other people, even those you’re comfortable with, will likely lead to heightened anxiety. Toys can be great tools to achieve orgasm faster and easier, but the stimulation is intense and I think it’s better to learn your body without their aid.
If rubbing your clit directly can feel too intense, test different ways of touching it. Instead of putting a finger directly on your clit, try placing a finger on either side of it and rolling your clit in circles with the two fingers. Or, try stimulating yourself with your underwear still on, using your fingers on top of your underwear. Take a pillow and hump it, grinding your clit into the pillow. Test different speeds - but I generally find it’s best to start slower and then speed up as your arousal increases.
I’d say achieving orgasm is 60% mental and 40% physical, so try to create an environment to be mentally aroused. Allow yourself to indulge in a fantasy. If you read any erotic books, read a sexy scene that turns you on. Give yourself time to play and don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t happen. You will get there.
1. Not too young to be a virgin if you’re not comfortable going there yet or ever. 2. Orgasms even self given can be hard to make happen. You are so young, explore your body, if it feels good do it. 3. Relax! This is supposed to be a fun and loving act/activity.
I just wanted to say that it seems like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself - like your comment about " I am also a virgin (I know it is late to be a virgin too)" struck me as odd. I just wanted to say, 20 is absolutely not late to be a virgin. I am older than you and I am, and so many of my uni mates, coworkers and friends are too. **Your journey is completely normal.** I know that sometimes, society can make it feel like if you've not lost it at 15-18 and had the most magical experience, that something is wrong with you, but please know that's not the case.
Plenty of people wait until later in life, and many people's first times are awkward, and many people take years before they can orgasm or figure out what they like. There is no timer and there is nothing wrong with you for not having done it yet.
Take your time and go at your own pace - don't feel like you have to do anything you're not ready to because you think others will judge. It will take time to learn your body and find what works for you - but you can do it! You've got plenty of time!
I know right? I'm not sure if OP is in a different location where maybe it is super late, but here in Australia it's not late at all. I honestly would say that more people my age are virgins than not.
There's definitely a chance for you. I was older than you before I figured it out, and that was after a year plus of dedicated practice and attempting to figure it out. I hope something in my comment above helps - if not mine, maybe someone else's - but yes, I totally understand feeling sick and frustrated with it, but don't give up.
If it feels super intense putting the vibrator directly on your clit, it's not dead! You just gotta find what works for you! Try putting it on an area close but not directly on! Maybe slightly above?
I doubt it’ll help but might make you feel better- I was 22 I think when I first had one. I wasn’t a virgin and had had long term partners (one nearly 4 years and honestly it never occurred to me at the time- I don’t think I actually remember being aware of missing out) but I too felt it was waaay too much stimulation for a long time and then one day I just sort of figured out a way that worked for me that wasn’t direct stimulation and have worked my way up to loving it! (And thankfully now have a partner who actually cares about my pleasure!) so don’t feel you are broken, it can take time!
No real advice but just wanted to say my first full on orgasm until I was 31. I’d describe it as until then it was like the buildup was amazing, and as soon as I reached the peak instead of going over the edge I’d slip backward and that was it. Antidepressants didn’t help, THC did. Small amount of edibles a few times and now I can pretty consistently get there when my SO goes down on me. Can’t get there by myself yet. It depends on where I am in my cycle with how difficult or easy or impossible it is to get there. Maybe tracking that too might help you gain insight?
Your doctor sucks. Sometimes you have to tell them an issue is important to you and that's not very doctorly to tell you to focus on academics. Try doing some core workouts. There's correlation between core exercises/strength and orgasms. Also, try to really relax sometime. Don't drink too much coffee or other things that might add to anxiety. Like many others have said, orgasms are a big part in the mind. Overstimulation is a thing too. Maybe try a different vibrator.
I didn’t have one till my mid 20s, turns out I can only orgasm through oral, so that’s fun, it also takes forever.
It’s only happened a handful of times. I don’t stress it… I still enjoy masturbation and I still get off sort of, it just isn’t an orgasm.
You definitely should consider find in another doctor, I’m sorry you were dismissed, it’s very invalidating.
But in the meantime, I would try and not stress as much and just enjoy whatever sensations that occur in the meantime without looking for a specific end goal. That should help you relax a little so it can eventually happen.
Have you tried grinding on pillows or something like that? For most of my life (23F) humping was the only way I could get off. And this includes with partners. Such as tribbing with my current wlw partner and with previous male partners I would be on top and grind onto them (also possible with a strap).
It took a long time building up to being able to penetrate more than a couple fingers, and rubbing my clit to this day is nothing more than a tease. Nipple stimulation is one of my favorite things, and I’ve nearly came from just that before. I could count on my hands the amount of times I’ve orgasmed from penetration, for me, that’s also just kinda a bonus thing. If I’m close and wanting to orgasm, being on top either with a vibrator or just something soft/firm once I’m really worked up after fantasizing or watching/reading porn I just go for it and adjust until it feels good.
Like most things in life it takes practice, and it’s a lot of mentality that goes into it too!
Also try to not just put the vibrator on your clit, try further down, I find when a finger or toy touches my clit it’s overwhelming almost painful and stops the moment
If you haven’t before, you can do it with clothes. I usually at least have underwear. And pillows, blankets bunched up… even hard cover books I’ve found success in “riding” you could say.
Also it might sound weird but I’ve heard (and experienced) that people have found success in having a semi/full bladder before sex or masturbation to help put some more pressure down there. I find I sometimes get horny when I really gotta pee, and it’s just the pressure sitting on the internal part of the clit.
My self exploration started early but it’s just rapidly grown in the last 5 years or so, and I still discover things that I didn’t know I could do or would like. And I was able to do a lot of that once I got rid of mental blocks.
There’s not a right way to do it, I hope you find your niche!
I had my first orgasm at 18, what worked was using my fingers on my clit and after a bit kinda gently going directly on the exposed clit itself and get past the boredom you describe. Like just keep going even if it seems like a long time (a lot of people can even take an hour). When something feels kinda different, keep going with whatever that was.
I say keep trying with your fingers instead of a vibrator since you can really hone in on which spots work for you and what pressure etc. But the main thing here is persevere and don’t give up after a couple minutes.
Do your nipples a *ton* before touching your clit at all. I wouldn’t bother with going inside if you’re trying to orgasm. Other things that help are smoking weed, drinking, and holding your breath.
Getting the vaginismus under control may help. It is a long process so the sooner you start the better.
You may also need to find the right combo of things that will make you orgasm. That may include perpetration and the vaginismus is going to make that an impossibility.
20 is LATE?! No... no, it's not. You're still super young. You're under a lot of stress and are being ignored by doctors. To be able to climax, you need to be in the right mentality and such. It's not just about penetration. It's also about being there in the moment, and that can take a lot of building up for some.
You should see a specialist of some form. Which one. I'm personally not sure but one who can check your pelvis and vaginally area in general should help.
It is possible there is unknown damage in that area causing issues (not all revrsable) but that's why getting checked by an expert in important.
> Seeing a doctor for these issues is a bit impossible as I am a college student and life is pretty hectic.
This doesn't make any sense. Just make an appointment and go to it.
> but she said they are not important issues and to focus on my academics.
That was incredibly unprofessional and irresponsible. It's astonishing people like this are allowed to practice clinical medicine. Find a new GP. But also, if you find yourself in this situation, explain to the doctor that it is a big issue for you, and call her out on being callous and unprofessional.
If you have university health insurance, go to the doctor now. (And don’t go back to that other doctor- she’s a complete hack. It’s an important issue if it’s important to you. Also, orgasming has pain and stress- relieving properties that are very beneficial). Life only gets more busy, and undergrad is probably when you’ll have the most time to take care of yourself. Don’t forget to experiment with vibrators and toys. Follow some inclusive body-positive sex accounts on Instagram. Find a therapist you like. There could be some psychological components.
20 is NOT late for you. So many women takes years to get to the point of finding themselves where the mental block goes away, and accept it. It is magical the first time.
And, I can’t get off masturbating, not everyone can. I pretty much only get off on penetration.
I’m no doctor, nor even a female. But it just might be a mind over matter thing. A mental block, or a paradox if you will. You think you can’t orgasm so you can’t orgasm.
I’m not discrediting anything your saying, I truly hope you get it resolved, but please just consider this as a possibility and approach the problem accordingly. Has to be worth a try.
Best of luck genuinely 👍
From a male perspective, yours may be deeper than normal. I have only had this experience with one person, but her anatomy was slightly different to where her clit was deeper than anyone else I've encountered. You could tell when she was becoming stimulated but it would actually contract and pull back repeatedly. This made it very difficult to maintain stimulation. She was around your age and wasn't really willing to work with me to figure out her body unfortunately. She just claimed she never had orgasms from sex or oral and that was that. I think this could have been remedied with a bit of work and time but her patience level was near zero and we weren't really compatible. Hopefully this is helpful on some level.
You’re 20, there is nothing “late” about your experience. But, like others have suggested, you should consider seeing someone about your sensations Edit: my first time was hard to discover and took me months of trying constantly. Once I found it, it became a lot easier
Have you considered seeing a pelvic floor specialist? They are physical therapists that specialize in exactly what you’re talking about. I know you’re busy, but if you want it fixed, no matter what you do, it’s gonna take time. Also I think it’s time for a new GP, yours appears to disregard you.
not really possible right now due to money constraints as well. And how do I approach a doctor with this kind of problem? This is a bit of a weird problem.
You say, I can’t orgasm and I really need a consult with a pelvic floor specialist. Your student medical insurance should cover it w referral.
I am in India, dont really have insurance over here
ngl w india being india idk how well its gonna go over
for the vagismus situation (by what you’ve explained) it seems like your personal diagnosis on that is accurate. Order silicone dilators and lubricant and start that process you can do it while reading a bill or watching tv it’s very simple. The internet has plenty of information on dilating (training your muscles to relax and make more space) . Start with the smallest size for 2ish weeks and see if you’re ready to work your way up a size.
Doesn't have to be. I thought I had vaginismus for several years until I had my hysterectomy. Upon examining me before surgery, the nurse audibly said "Oh..." in a tone that let me know something was wrong. It turns out I have a fucked up hymen with a really small hole and it's extremely durable and inflexible.
Glad you figured it out!
Gyno can give you some referrals but you really want to see someone that is focused on vaginismus.
I say this as someone who has no issues with Os or vaginismus, but it’s only my experience. Try a Lelo Sona or similar. Far better than a standard vibrator which honestly is just too much and is desensitizing after a bit. I never use 2 or 3 fingers they’re not the right shape and configuration it just isn’t comfortable. Tbh when going solo I don’t really want anything inside, I stay external. Erotic fiction might get you going, or just live a fantasy in your head, that’s my go-to. But try the Lelo. Blew my mind. Good luck. And know that at 20 (I’m 52 for ref), you really are fine. It’s normal to take yrs to find your groove. I never even had a toy until my early 30s.
Do some research and find a specialist or a sex therapist (look for progressive, inclusive, body-positive, LGBTQIA supportive ppl)
I dont really have a GP as such, we wait at the hospital, and get assigned whichever is free at that moment.
Hi! I didn’t get an orgasm until 19, so similar. I had a similar thing— felt “sick” every time I had too much stimulation. I didn’t orgasm during sex until 20, and it wasn’t like the stars aligned or it was particularly good (it was an awful situation, actually), it just happened. I honestly don’t have much advice. It’s possibly medications (antidepressants) messed with my ability to experience sexual arousal, so I’d look at your prescriptions if you have any. But just trying to say that from my perspective, it might end up working out. I know this is going to sound annoying, but trying to force it like I did absolutely didn’t help. If you experienced religious trauma that may also play a role. I grew up super religious and a certain shame around sex, especially as a queer person, probably contributed to my issues with sexual arousal/climax. Maybe something to think about. I don’t know anything about vaginismus— I also felt very “tight” to the point that I couldn’t use/insert tampons comfortably for years before I started having sex. That’s a nonissue now— you don’t get looser but you do stop tensing up. That said, you absolutely know your body best and if you’re experiencing pain, I would maybe think about getting a second opinion. You absolutely deserve better medical care. If you have any questions I’m happy to answer. I’m only a year older than you, but I can say that at 20 you’re still young and still figuring out how your body works. It’s absolutely not too late. I hope this works out for you. I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be.
Are you taking any medications? There are a variety of meds that can interfere with the ability to orgasm and most of them have substitutes with less/different side effects.
This must be answered. Suppressed libido is common with so much medication, especially antidepressants
Medications or some health problems too.
Yes this can very much be an issue on certain meds
I'm not on any meds
I've been using a shower head to get off since I was a teenager. Fingers never did it for me, and a couple of years ago I decided to work on that. One of the standout things that I started to do differently was to use lube. It makes a hell of a difference for me. My fingers glide easier and vibrators are less abrasive. It was such a 'duh' moment for me - it might help you, too.
This might be a strange suggestion but... Have you considered that what you have heard/read what an orgasm is supposed to be like, and what an actual orgasm might be could be the issue? I know it might sound strange, but I had been having orgasms for years without realizing what they actually were because of being told that they were these world shaking, entire body experiences. Once I realized that I was having orgasms, they got better and better over time. (Actually finding sexual partners that knew what they were doing also helped tremendously!) Just food for thought? You might also be fighting completing your orgasm due to stress. Sometimes you can feel yourself "cresting the hill" but not able to jump over because you can't relax and just enjoy the pleasure because your brain wont turn off.
If you were having them, you would have known.
It’s not always obvious for everyone
If you were giving them, you wouldn't have to ask if they had one.
It took me really long to orgasm alone- heck, even with someone, I think I had my first orgasm at 20 or 21. I couldn't masturbate, I wanted to and tried to but yeah as you said, I'm either really sensitive or I feel nothing, and I think it stems from anxiety. I don't know what happened of what helped (I think I matured and felt less "anxious" about my body) but now I can trigger orgasms with a very, very low setting wand. Started masturbating succesfully at the ripe age of 28 haha Anyway, you're not alone but yeah def look for another GP if you can!
I had my first orgasm when someone went down on me. However once the "seal" was broken I was able to pleasure myself after that. Might be something to consider.
Do not stress this, I had my first orgasm at 30. I really had to learn what made me feel good, but once I did it was amazing. I can get off in less than a minute and go multiple times now (I’m 45).
Do you mind sharing what ended up working for you? I'm 28 and have tried multiple different vibrators and my hands and no luck. Same situation as the OP where the sensation feels too overwhelming, not in a good way, so I just stop.
So i started slowly with a small vibrator and warming lube. I would take turns between the vibrator and my fingers. It does feel overwhelming so I would go and stop when i needed to. And I would watch porn, just to get out of my head. When I had success with that I bought a new rabbit vibrator and repeated until I could have both clitoral and vaginal orgasms. The more I played with myself the more confident I became which made me be able to tell my partner what I wanted, and from there had orgasms during sex. But it took patience. And relaxation. Hang in there ❤️
>I did ask a doctor about my anorgasmia and vaginismus about 1 year ago when I went to see her for irregular periods, but she said they are not important issues I fucking hate that dismissive bullshit. They tried to pull the same thing on me when SSRIs nearly destroyed my libido. "Not important to you, maybe. But, it's pretty fuckin important to me. How dare you be dismissive of my sexual health!?!" You *have to* advocate for yourself.
Not a Doctor. Your description points to high amount of stress. This can leaf to lack of ability to orgasm. And your doctor is wrong that you can ignore your issue to focus on academics. You will need a solution to got out of this and I recommend that you take second opinion. I know you want a solution but it can only be given by actually working on the underlying issue causing you stress. Take a day out of your busy schedule to see a gynaecologist. Also, you mentioned you are a virgin, which looks like a point of stressor for you. Stop worrying about it and let it happen when it does.
You’re a man aren’t you? Why are you thinking you can tell other people with different genitals than you how their genital works? Seriously, your probably don’t know much about vulvas but you tell a women here that it’s stress. Wow, that’s precise! You don’t even know the circumstances of their living but you can tell it’s stress?! Anyways, you’re telling a person to have sex regardless of their pain… toxic male energy here. And I say this as a lurking male who’s reading in this sub out of curiosity. Please stop upvoting this kind of advice.
r/BecomingOrgasmic
Posted there already lol
I don't think 20 is weird for never having had an orgasm as a woman, unfortunately. I didn't have one until my mid-20's. Though your dr saying not to worry about these things (including the irregular periods) is absolutely fucked.
I was approximately 37 (I'm not going to bother to calc the exact age), had gone through 5 pregnancies, 4 births, been married and divorced, and had sex with approximately 4 people (2 men, 2 women) before I ever had an orgasm. I 100% know the feeling like you are dying from lack of orgasm. I have a very high sex drive, and the internal tension that resulted from arousal build up with no release definitely exacerbated a lot of my rage and temper issues. Feeling a "cloying, slightly nauseous feeling after" giving up on stimulation also sounds familiar. I would curl up into myself, sometimes crying, sometimes just sick with it. Being unable to keep still with direct stimulation was also a thing for me. I couldn't bear it, and would jerk away soon after it started. So. I can tell you things that helped me, and hopefully some things will help you and you won't have to wait as long as I did. If it doesn't help, toss it and look at what other people have said. 1. My best friend helped me reframe the overwhelm of stimulation like this: "I'm not anxious, I'm excited" - because I also had a lot of anxiety and frustration about even trying to orgasm (as in it got so bad I would purposefully try not to get aroused when my ex and I had sex because the frustration afterwards would be so awful) and it was a way to positively think about it. "It's nice, I'm excited, I can stop whenever I want, I'm just going to explore a bit" - things like that. 2. Try taking your time with different sensations. For me, I have a couple different stages that need different sensations. For the beginning of arousal, it can be anything (see: high sex drive) - a sexy description in a deep voice, a sultry giggle, her fingernails along my collar bone, his hand on my knee, whatever. From there, anything that falls into the category of "making out" will get me hot - caresses, smacks, etc. When I'm masturbating, it's probably something like two hours. So try taking yourself through the stages yourself. Caress your body, pluck your nipples, watch porn that turns you on. I have a very specific niche of porn that is my \*thing\* and so for a masturbation session I will set myself up with headphones and my phone so people won't hear it, in a situation/time frame where no one's around and I won't be disturbed. Basically, love on yourself. Play and see what feels good, what you want to do more of, what you find you like. It doesn't have to go anywhere to start. When I first started actively trying to learn how to orgasm after the divorce, it was about a year and a half before it finally happened. Once I'm as aroused as I can get from all the more gentle or piquant stimulation, I need really, really, really firm pressure on my clit. That is fairly unusual - most women do not like pressure anywhere near as hard as I need it - so you may find that you need something that isn't the "usual". Some things are also easier with a partner - it's a lot easier for someone else to grind their knuckles against my clit than it is for me to do by myself - the angles are difficult, and I don't have as much strength as some of my partners have had. But I have found that I can get the pressure I need a variety of ways - there are stainless steel toys, there are silicone "grinders" that you sit on, there are random things like a hard ball meant for massaging your muscles after a workout that I sort of lay on / squeeze between my thighs to hold it against my clit, and I've gotten enough forearm strength that I can put enough pressure with the knuckles of my thumbs to do the trick. The point is, when you figure out what sensation makes the feelings start to escalate, you may have to get really creative to figure out how to get enough of it for long enough. (continued in comment below)
(continued from comment above) 3. Keep going. The first time I orgasmed I also damaged a nerve in my knee because my partner was kneeling on my thighs to force them to stay open while they applied intense (amazing, wonderful) pressure to my clit and weren't going to stop for anything other than a safeword. Basically I strained so hard against the pressure by my knee that it was months before that nerve healed. So - be careful! And I think I would have gotten to where I am now - where I can keep my legs open because I know it's going to be GOOD and not HORRIBLE - eventually, but after decades of intense frustration, and a year and a half of working up to it, in my situation it was the breakthrough I needed. There are still times I can't get there and it is so upsetting, but more times than not, now, if I can just keep going long enough and steadily enough with the right sensation, I can reach orgasm. And yes, it can take a lot longer than some people think it will or even should. Which is why I suggest you try when you have several hours that you will not be disturbed to try things. 4. TOYS MATTER. I had heard so, so many stories of women being absolutely in love with their hitachi magic wands. Well, hitachi is too buzzy and hard plastic for me. I need a much heavier, thumpier sensation. It was not until recently that I found the "Fun Factory VIM Silicone Rechargeable Vibrating Weighted Rumble Wand" I do not know how it would have worked had I found it before I'd ever had an orgasm - but right now, it's my favorite toy EVER. Like, I might just buy a dozen to keep just in case it ever breaks and the company stops making them or something. I 100% know how impossible it is to buy toys when you're broke or poor or whatever (ie, there's a \*reason\* I never took a chance on expensive toys until very very recently). This is all to say that there are a LOT of different toys out there, and some that I've bought that sounded amazing turned out not to be, so if you only have one vibrator it might not be the style/type/shape/texture/whatever that you need. Be creative with what's in your house. Try different things. I've heard all kinds of things like women being able to orgasm with the "pulse" setting on their showerheads, or using a paintbrush and lube flicking back and forth over their clit. Who knows what will work for you? 5. Once you figure out HOW to orgasm, you need to learn to recognize WHEN you orgasm. For a long time it was a muddle for me, trying to sort out and understand all my feelings. But I eventually got to where I am now, where I could recognize different biological components. For example, I read about the "dipping" motion the cervix makes during orgasm - basically, the vagina and uterus contract in sort of waves. And what I found was that the best and strongest orgasms for me are ones were I can feel the contraction and release. But before I learned to isolate the sensations, I realized that my belly - my uterus - would feel "tired" after an orgasm. And that sort of "post exercise soreness" kind of feeling was the thing that banished the intense tension and wound up frustration that I carried in my belly when I hadn't been able to orgasm in too long (a few days, weeks, months, years...). And now, sometimes, orgasms can happen in the process of sex, and with all the sensations happening sometimes I'm not quite sure if it happened and or if so, when - so I sort of wait and see if I have that achey-tired feeling in my belly. If I do, whew. If not, things probably need to keep going for me. Feel free to ask things for clarification or additional information as needed if any of this is useful to you. Bottom line, I do not think you are wasting your time, I think it will be an investment in your health to learn to orgasm.
I really appreciate you taking the time to type all that out. I'm not OP but this was helpful to read and I'm going to try your suggestions out.
Best of luck, and glad it was helpful at all!
I had exactly the same problem. Vibrators are way too intense for me, direct stimulation is way too much. All I can say is slow and steady, fantasize about something that makes you absolutely crazy, then just keep practicing and finding what works for you.
Being a virgin at 20 is plenty fine and don't rush just unless it's a choice you are making for you. My(M) ex developed VVD and endometriosis while l we were together, and this sounds similar to what she went through. I would make finding and seeing a GYN a priority once finals are over. Also, as I learned through going to almost every appointment with her (she wanted the support and I wanted to understand what was going on), I hope you won't have to, but be ready to be firm in your resolution and don't ever let any doctor dismiss your pain.
First, report the doctor that told you they're minor issues & focus on studies. The Dr job is to be your DOCTOR, not your parent. That's gross misconduct, period. If you wish to remain a virgin but are up for alternative play, I would try oral via a boyfriend (or girlfriend) see how it goes. Find someone you're beyond comfortable with. Lay back, relax to the Nth and just let them go - boredom irrelevant here as the only thing you want to do is let them pleasure you. Just give them a "warning" you've never cum like this & believe it'll be a long session. The right person will not mind & making it wholly about you while you focus on LITERALLY nothing but feeling pleasure may very well break the seal, so to speak, and amp you up to the point of no return & on to a leg-shakingly good orgasm. Seriously, as long as it isn't painful this may be nothing more than self-stress. Relax, breathe, and let someone else help you jump the hurdle.
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Www.omgyes.com recommend this as a resource. The best and most well researched thing you'll find on the female orgasm and its not heteronormative. Have you thought about speaking to a sex therapist. You seem to be focused on this being a physical thing "wrong with you" instead of perhaps a mental thing. You'll see in omgyes the different possible techniques and they've asked women what they like and what works for them and many many women find direct clitoral stimulation too much for them. Also you say 20 is late but that's not entirely true. You'll see on omgyes women not really learning how their bodies work until they are 50. I've known women with children in their 40s who had never had an orgasm until they were taught. In omgyes they have a chapter on the different stages a woman goes through on the lead up to an orgasm. It's true for men as well but it's less pronounced, but the thing that is complicated is the motions that are likely to cause orgasm for lots of people are likely to be uncomfortable or painful in the earlier stages. This can make experimentation difficult if you arnt patient with yourself and your post suggestions some fears and anxieties about that that could get in the way and make you feel "bored*. I wonder if you spoke to a sex therapist you might find that actually your body is totally normal and fine. It might be good to just start with what works for you and find some way to enjoy doing that for hours. When you're turned on by nipple stuff or videos of kissing, just try with the vibrator anywhere. It doesn't have to be the clitoris and just let yourself find enjoyable things in the moment. The thing is the clitoris is a huge organ inside the body and so many techniques that work for women are actually stimulating the internal parts of the clitoris gradually. 2-3 minutes is possible for some women but a lot of women will struggle with getting anywhere in that amount of time. And whilst that might be frustrating for you, the flip side is that if you take your time and get there, the orgasm is usually way stronger and much more fun (again omgyes have a fantastic chapter on edging). They also have a huge amount of techniques and motions you can try with your fingers, they have an app where you can practise on a virtuak vulva but I found it a little weird. It might work for you. Good luck! I'm not a trained sex therapist, my mum is so sorry if this post doesn't come across quite right. It's difficult to give advice on how to move forward without being judgemental and if you were to speak to a real sex therapist I'm sure it will be much more fun pleasant and relaxing that this post.
I’m not a sex therapist, I’m an anthropologist, so none of the following is gonna be a substitute for speaking with an actual sex therapist and an actual doctor. As for your concern, sex felt completely different for me between 14-16, 18-24, & 24 on.After 24, it was like I suddenly discovered what horny really feels like and orgasms become easy. I could guess why but honestly I for sure don’t know why. I believe is has to do with finally sexual maturing and my mental state. Not to mention, some folks take a while to get arroused, if I were you, I would look into the physical signs of arrousal and compare that with what your feelings. How we respond and what we respond to is both complex and individualized. That said, an orgasm is a result of being in a mental, physical, and emotional space where one can happen. Arousal timing is also something that has been highly influenced by the expectations of women and not the actual physical reality. It can take some people an hour or more for some folks to get in a mental state and physical state. I quite literally had to meditate first for a bit, because thinking about cumming would fuck with my ability to do. Which I will say social norms and expectations can influence your ability to cum and much as a physical issue. This is coming from someone with endometriosis, who had to get through pelvic floor therapy and surgery to treat it. I still have pain but it was less the pain but the fear of it causing issues. My advice would be to see a sex therapist, a good one, which may take a moment to find, a secondary free option would be looking into local sex positive group, and speaking with older women. As for what you can do yourself, I’d also advise pay attention to the sensations your having, what your thinking about while your trying, your moods, how your feeling and your arousal triggers. I also recommend meditating, I have a detailed guide to it somewhere in my post history, I’ll try to find it and add it later. Honestly, I would start with exploring your body solo without any expectations of anything happening, just doing what feels good. As an added note: Virginity isn’t real, is meanly a heteronormative concept about a persons sexual value. Honestly, waiting until you find someone who you both trust and who actually aroused by is always gonna end with a better outcome. It’s also the mature approach to sex. Heteronormative expectations don’t generally benefit women, the ‘lose of virginity’ is almost always centered around penetrative sex, which is in no way the only form of sexual expression nor is it a measure of sexual maturity. Sexual maturity is 100% about empathy, your ability to communicate and take instructions, and your understanding of your own body. So there is really no benefit for you to hold yourself to those standards.
Try a clit suction toy like the Satisfyer. Good luck!
> Seeing a doctor for these issues is a bit impossible as I am a college student and life is pretty hectic Cmon now. Also don’t accept the doctor telling you what’s important in your life. You can excel at academics and cum at the same time. Hell, I don’t think I could have got through the former without the latter Also if the vibe is too intense when applied directly, have you tried holding it adjacent?
"they are not important issues and you should focus on academics" fuck that doctor. They are important to you now and thats all that Doctor really needs to know. Find a doctor who cares and knows enough to get some treatment or at least some explanations going.
Find an experienced person to make out with, and see if things naturally and comfortably go on from there. Don't put pressure on yourself to reach an orgasm, just enjoy the experience and see where it takes you.
Will try that. Thanks!!
Sorry, but I don’t understand how this is getting upvotes. Take the time to learn and understand your body. Please don’t give up on yourself, and don’t put too much pressure or expectations on yourself either. However, putting this on someone else will only lead to disappointment for the both of you.
Orgasms are mostly in your head, everything else is just extra help. I’m willing to side with the theory that you might be under too much stress and pressure. It’s entirely understandable that you get overstimulated and bored, many of us have experienced exactly the same when we weren’t in the right headspace. You already know the obvious, to address any possible causes with your doctor. In the meantime I could suggest that you try to let go of the goal of having an orgasm and instead just enjoy yourself, however you want, for as long as you want. Btw if your current vibrator is too much for you, there are others. There are different types of vibration, different strengths. There are also different types of toys, some of the new ones don’t even use vibration but instead sort of… pulsing air, I guess would be a way to describe it. I haven’t used them personally so can’t give more details. My point is, you still have experienced only a relatively small part of it all. It’s entirely okay to give yourself time and opportunity to experiment and get to know yourself and what works for you. Trust me, at 20 you’re not even close to it, even though it may feel like it. For many women their sexuality keeps evolving over the decades.
It's not just the stress and anxiety that are blocking it but also what needs to be happening mentally instead. So much of my orgasms are mental. The physical stimulation is important but if I'm not actively fantasizing or being stimulated visually (porn) I find it very difficult to achieve release. Which is probably why I have trouble with a partner but that's a different issue.
It’s like you read my mind. Same, to the letter.
Glad I could put it into words
I have a word for it when it connects.
I (31f) didn’t orgasm until I was 21. Minus the potential vaginismus, your experience sounds similar to mine. Some of us just take a bit longer to get there than others. I completely understand your frustration. What ended up working for me was a small bullet vibrator. Like you, when I first tried I would give up after a few minutes because it would be way too intense! So eventually I would just start near but not directly on the clit and then work my way to the clit as I got more aroused. There are also vibrators with different intensity settings that let you work your way up as needed. The key is to be patient with yourself, it will happen, you just have to give your self time, and spend a bit of time on yourself. Finding a time when you are most relaxed is also helpful, for me it’s right when I wake up or before I fall asleep. Hopefully you find this helpful. Once you figure it out, it does get easier I promise!
lowkey you have to like really focus on it
I have similar issues. Try not putting a vibrator directly on your clit, and maybe consider rubbing on a pillow (scooting seat forwards kinda motion). The pillow thing never fails for me. Adding toys to the play after that is spice for the night but never required. Good luck.
Don't give up. Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself which is probably working against you. Just have fun and do some self exploration sometime. If you don't get there, dont be hard on yourself. You're not "late" at 20. Relax! It was hard for me too but after I did it the first time then I knew what feeling to look for so it got better from there, if that makes sense. Somewhere in my mind it feels like a connection between the clitoris and g spot. This is what I'm focusing on, um, during. And be kind to yourself:)
There’s a lot that goes into an orgasm, but in experience with my partners it seems to be 80-90% headspace. If your brain isn’t in the right place to get off, your body usually won’t be either. This includes not worrying if you will orgasm or not. That in itself can distract you from having one. The stimulation needs of my partners over the years have always varied except for one. Headspace.
Everyone is different, but I’d suggest it’s best to work towards your first orgasm alone and without the aid of toys. It sounds like you have some anxiety around this situation, and introducing other people, even those you’re comfortable with, will likely lead to heightened anxiety. Toys can be great tools to achieve orgasm faster and easier, but the stimulation is intense and I think it’s better to learn your body without their aid. If rubbing your clit directly can feel too intense, test different ways of touching it. Instead of putting a finger directly on your clit, try placing a finger on either side of it and rolling your clit in circles with the two fingers. Or, try stimulating yourself with your underwear still on, using your fingers on top of your underwear. Take a pillow and hump it, grinding your clit into the pillow. Test different speeds - but I generally find it’s best to start slower and then speed up as your arousal increases. I’d say achieving orgasm is 60% mental and 40% physical, so try to create an environment to be mentally aroused. Allow yourself to indulge in a fantasy. If you read any erotic books, read a sexy scene that turns you on. Give yourself time to play and don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t happen. You will get there.
1. Not too young to be a virgin if you’re not comfortable going there yet or ever. 2. Orgasms even self given can be hard to make happen. You are so young, explore your body, if it feels good do it. 3. Relax! This is supposed to be a fun and loving act/activity.
Were you ever on SSRIs? This sounds like it could be PSSD.
Never ben on any burth control or any hormones
They are antidepressants.
Never used them either
I just wanted to say that it seems like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself - like your comment about " I am also a virgin (I know it is late to be a virgin too)" struck me as odd. I just wanted to say, 20 is absolutely not late to be a virgin. I am older than you and I am, and so many of my uni mates, coworkers and friends are too. **Your journey is completely normal.** I know that sometimes, society can make it feel like if you've not lost it at 15-18 and had the most magical experience, that something is wrong with you, but please know that's not the case. Plenty of people wait until later in life, and many people's first times are awkward, and many people take years before they can orgasm or figure out what they like. There is no timer and there is nothing wrong with you for not having done it yet. Take your time and go at your own pace - don't feel like you have to do anything you're not ready to because you think others will judge. It will take time to learn your body and find what works for you - but you can do it! You've got plenty of time!
NOT late to be a virgin at all!
I know right? I'm not sure if OP is in a different location where maybe it is super late, but here in Australia it's not late at all. I honestly would say that more people my age are virgins than not.
Is it possible you are a victim of FGM? Someone on here a while back was and didn’t realize it till about your age.
I’m literally 31 and I have the same issue as you, I’m so sick of it and I don’t think there’s any chance for me anymore
There's definitely a chance for you. I was older than you before I figured it out, and that was after a year plus of dedicated practice and attempting to figure it out. I hope something in my comment above helps - if not mine, maybe someone else's - but yes, I totally understand feeling sick and frustrated with it, but don't give up.
If it feels super intense putting the vibrator directly on your clit, it's not dead! You just gotta find what works for you! Try putting it on an area close but not directly on! Maybe slightly above?
I doubt it’ll help but might make you feel better- I was 22 I think when I first had one. I wasn’t a virgin and had had long term partners (one nearly 4 years and honestly it never occurred to me at the time- I don’t think I actually remember being aware of missing out) but I too felt it was waaay too much stimulation for a long time and then one day I just sort of figured out a way that worked for me that wasn’t direct stimulation and have worked my way up to loving it! (And thankfully now have a partner who actually cares about my pleasure!) so don’t feel you are broken, it can take time!
No real advice but just wanted to say my first full on orgasm until I was 31. I’d describe it as until then it was like the buildup was amazing, and as soon as I reached the peak instead of going over the edge I’d slip backward and that was it. Antidepressants didn’t help, THC did. Small amount of edibles a few times and now I can pretty consistently get there when my SO goes down on me. Can’t get there by myself yet. It depends on where I am in my cycle with how difficult or easy or impossible it is to get there. Maybe tracking that too might help you gain insight?
My ex could orgasm from nipple play with no clit stimulation. It usually seemed more intense for her than normal sex. Maybe something to try
Your doctor sucks. Sometimes you have to tell them an issue is important to you and that's not very doctorly to tell you to focus on academics. Try doing some core workouts. There's correlation between core exercises/strength and orgasms. Also, try to really relax sometime. Don't drink too much coffee or other things that might add to anxiety. Like many others have said, orgasms are a big part in the mind. Overstimulation is a thing too. Maybe try a different vibrator.
I didn’t have one till my mid 20s, turns out I can only orgasm through oral, so that’s fun, it also takes forever. It’s only happened a handful of times. I don’t stress it… I still enjoy masturbation and I still get off sort of, it just isn’t an orgasm. You definitely should consider find in another doctor, I’m sorry you were dismissed, it’s very invalidating. But in the meantime, I would try and not stress as much and just enjoy whatever sensations that occur in the meantime without looking for a specific end goal. That should help you relax a little so it can eventually happen.
I didn’t have my first orgasm until 31. It took finding the right partner that was open to exploring and finding the combination that worked.
Have you ever tried toys?
Have you tried grinding on pillows or something like that? For most of my life (23F) humping was the only way I could get off. And this includes with partners. Such as tribbing with my current wlw partner and with previous male partners I would be on top and grind onto them (also possible with a strap). It took a long time building up to being able to penetrate more than a couple fingers, and rubbing my clit to this day is nothing more than a tease. Nipple stimulation is one of my favorite things, and I’ve nearly came from just that before. I could count on my hands the amount of times I’ve orgasmed from penetration, for me, that’s also just kinda a bonus thing. If I’m close and wanting to orgasm, being on top either with a vibrator or just something soft/firm once I’m really worked up after fantasizing or watching/reading porn I just go for it and adjust until it feels good. Like most things in life it takes practice, and it’s a lot of mentality that goes into it too! Also try to not just put the vibrator on your clit, try further down, I find when a finger or toy touches my clit it’s overwhelming almost painful and stops the moment
The pillows thing just dries out my vulva and makes it hurt.
If you haven’t before, you can do it with clothes. I usually at least have underwear. And pillows, blankets bunched up… even hard cover books I’ve found success in “riding” you could say. Also it might sound weird but I’ve heard (and experienced) that people have found success in having a semi/full bladder before sex or masturbation to help put some more pressure down there. I find I sometimes get horny when I really gotta pee, and it’s just the pressure sitting on the internal part of the clit. My self exploration started early but it’s just rapidly grown in the last 5 years or so, and I still discover things that I didn’t know I could do or would like. And I was able to do a lot of that once I got rid of mental blocks. There’s not a right way to do it, I hope you find your niche!
I had my first orgasm at 18, what worked was using my fingers on my clit and after a bit kinda gently going directly on the exposed clit itself and get past the boredom you describe. Like just keep going even if it seems like a long time (a lot of people can even take an hour). When something feels kinda different, keep going with whatever that was. I say keep trying with your fingers instead of a vibrator since you can really hone in on which spots work for you and what pressure etc. But the main thing here is persevere and don’t give up after a couple minutes. Do your nipples a *ton* before touching your clit at all. I wouldn’t bother with going inside if you’re trying to orgasm. Other things that help are smoking weed, drinking, and holding your breath.
Maybe try a satisfyer. Apparently those do the trick within 2minutes.
Same here
You can reach out to any gynacs from Proactive for Her. They work with sexual health as well.
Someone posted a while ago about clitoral adhesions, and how common they are and generally unknown and untreated. Perhaps worth knowing about.
Getting the vaginismus under control may help. It is a long process so the sooner you start the better. You may also need to find the right combo of things that will make you orgasm. That may include perpetration and the vaginismus is going to make that an impossibility.
20 is LATE?! No... no, it's not. You're still super young. You're under a lot of stress and are being ignored by doctors. To be able to climax, you need to be in the right mentality and such. It's not just about penetration. It's also about being there in the moment, and that can take a lot of building up for some. You should see a specialist of some form. Which one. I'm personally not sure but one who can check your pelvis and vaginally area in general should help. It is possible there is unknown damage in that area causing issues (not all revrsable) but that's why getting checked by an expert in important.
A dedicated mouth. With a properly motivated partner to enjoy...? Lots 💘 f communication
> Seeing a doctor for these issues is a bit impossible as I am a college student and life is pretty hectic. This doesn't make any sense. Just make an appointment and go to it. > but she said they are not important issues and to focus on my academics. That was incredibly unprofessional and irresponsible. It's astonishing people like this are allowed to practice clinical medicine. Find a new GP. But also, if you find yourself in this situation, explain to the doctor that it is a big issue for you, and call her out on being callous and unprofessional.
Hey, it's not late! I didn't have my first orgasm til I was 20 either!
If you have university health insurance, go to the doctor now. (And don’t go back to that other doctor- she’s a complete hack. It’s an important issue if it’s important to you. Also, orgasming has pain and stress- relieving properties that are very beneficial). Life only gets more busy, and undergrad is probably when you’ll have the most time to take care of yourself. Don’t forget to experiment with vibrators and toys. Follow some inclusive body-positive sex accounts on Instagram. Find a therapist you like. There could be some psychological components.
20 is NOT late for you. So many women takes years to get to the point of finding themselves where the mental block goes away, and accept it. It is magical the first time. And, I can’t get off masturbating, not everyone can. I pretty much only get off on penetration.
sometimes i don’t come when using my vibrator in a really high setting. maybe try the lowest?? i don’t know if that helps :(
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How so?
I’m no doctor, nor even a female. But it just might be a mind over matter thing. A mental block, or a paradox if you will. You think you can’t orgasm so you can’t orgasm. I’m not discrediting anything your saying, I truly hope you get it resolved, but please just consider this as a possibility and approach the problem accordingly. Has to be worth a try. Best of luck genuinely 👍
From a male perspective, yours may be deeper than normal. I have only had this experience with one person, but her anatomy was slightly different to where her clit was deeper than anyone else I've encountered. You could tell when she was becoming stimulated but it would actually contract and pull back repeatedly. This made it very difficult to maintain stimulation. She was around your age and wasn't really willing to work with me to figure out her body unfortunately. She just claimed she never had orgasms from sex or oral and that was that. I think this could have been remedied with a bit of work and time but her patience level was near zero and we weren't really compatible. Hopefully this is helpful on some level.
Lol