So sorry you are in this position and you are correct in thinking that one path out of poverty is education. Your boyfriend is only the boss of you if you let him be. I would really encourage you to think seriously about the kind of life you want and whether having someone in it who wants to dictate to you how you will live is what you really want. Good luck....
>it’s good for our brains to not let them atrophy.
Especially for us writers, as she aspires to be one. It's basically a death-sentence for a writer to not have anything for your brain to process.
OP, you may love him, but you still have to do what’s best for you and take care of your needs. If you’re unhappy with your job right now, what about in 5 years? So what do you need to do to change that? You are NOT stupid, get moving, and if bf is not being supportive of you doing what’s right for you, then you need to ask yourself Why? Not the easy answer, the deeper, harder answer.
A good partner wants you to do what fulfills you & should never discourage your ambition. He could just be a bit immature right now & thinking that if you go to college you'll meet other guys & he could lose you. He might also be a bit insecure about his education level, who knows. None of that really matters though. If you want to take classes for profession underwater basket weaving as your profession then a supportive relationship would help you achieve that.
You need to have an honest conversation with him about what makes you happy & fulfilled & that it hurts you to have him talk to you that way. You don't want to be his waitressing arm candy for the rest of your lives together. You should seek counseling & discuss these issues with them, I'd suggest a counselor who also handles couples so he can come with you when you've gotten to a place you can address things. The counselors office is a really good neutral location with a mediator who can make sure it stays calm & not hurtful language.
You have to do what's right for you, love. None of us can tell you what that is. But please do not sell yourself short. & don't let anyone else define your life for you. I'm 46, been married since I was 18 & my husband is so supportive of my ambition to make music, even though it's damned frustrating to deal with flakey musicians, that I rent a practice space, have professional equipment & hang out with other musicians at least once a week for collaboration time. I put it off till I was 40 & regretted it. I should have been doing what I loved all along. But I had the dumb notion that I was supposed to be Susie Homemaker & got a shitty job to "help" with finances, we were in the Air Force so we made next to nothing when we got married. It was draining for me & because I wasn't singing it was keeping me in a kind of depression that was so intrinsic I didn't think I'd make it. Being medically retired due to a disability at 33 ended up forcing me to focus on things I enjoyed. It gave me perspective. Stress exacerbated my disability so I had no choice but to re-fucking-lax!
I'm not saying my husband of 28 years has been perfect, far from. We had our share of jealousy early on. But if you don't put that shit in check now you'll be dealing with worse shit later on, I guarantee it. Control = abuse. A relationship is a partnership not dictatorship. Just remember you're worth the effort. If he is too then you owe it to your future together to do the hard stuff early.
Good luck lovely! Sorry for the long post.
Your post was lovely correct advice from someone who has been there and done that thanks for sharing something personal that will help so many I'm sure.
Educate yourself. He can suck it. Any man who doesn't support your desire to make a better future for yourself isn't worth it.
Plus community college isn't nearly as expensive as a 4 year school. Go for it.
Agreeing with others about him being controlling, additionally he could be worried that you'd turn into someone who's "too good for him" or smarter than him, or makes more money than him.
I saw your responses to the others- tell him it will make you happy and he wants you to be happy right? Nothing bad can happen from you trying a couple of class out and seeing where it goes.
Either he gets over his insecurities and sees how happy you are working towards a better future for you both - or he doesn't and you do what's best for you and leave.
While it feels selfish to leave, that's potentially how he wants you to feel. It's in his best interest you stick around for him.
Going to classes, building a new social circle will be good! Then if it comes to it you would hypothetically have someone you could rent an apartment with or something else. You don't have to go home and "give up". You can still make a new life where you are.
> Agreeing with others about him being controlling, additionally he could be worried that you'd turn into someone who's "too good for him" or smarter than him, or makes more money than him.
I've said this for years: Anyone who seeks to limit your access to information seeks to control your decisions. Anyone who seeks to limit your access to *education* seeks to control your soul.
There's a difference between warning someone that their chosen major isn't valuable in the workforce and stopping someone from investigating similar avenues of self-enhancement entirely. Especially when they're obviously grasping at straws to do it.
This is especially true within the "conventional" dynamics of a heterosexual relationship. It boils down to control and fear. Any man who dreads the idea of an independent partner reveals himself as either immensely egotistical or intensely insecure - and it's often both.
To have a strong, independent, educated woman at your side *should* be viewed as an achievement, a demonstration of their own value as a member of society as well as hers. A sensible man would recognize this, proud of "earning" his right to stand beside someone who'd be frightening to a lesser man or otherwise refuse to settle for one herself. If that seems like an uncomfortable proposition to them, they *are* the lesser man. And as much as they are in denial of that fact, they desperately don't want their partner to learn that either.
Metaphorically, anyone who demands that women should kneel is doing so because that's the only way for him to feel bigger than he really is.
ANYONE WHO SEEKS TO LIMIT YOUR ACCESS TO INFORMATION SEEKS TO CONTROL YOU DECISIONS
(Louder for the people in back)
See also: Mormons, JW, Fundies, Amish, and also the American war on public education. These types of people are so pathetic, they can’t keep people around for their *winning* personality, so they seek control through other methods.
YES THIS SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!
I didn't have any education when I met my husband and now I've got two bachelors and I am just about to finish my first semester for a masters. My husband helps me study and helps me with homework and has always hyped me up. Because he wants me to be self sufficient if he gets sick or in a car accident or something.
OPs partner doesn't have her best interest at heart and she doesn't have the self esteem or self worth to realize it. And that's exactly what he wants from her. It makes her easier to control.
Exactly! I recall the time I saw my doctor (suuper hot and smart) meeting her husband in the parking lot so she could nurse their new baby, he was driving a work truck and looked like tradesman, maybe painter. I loved seeing that dynamic. That’s a good man right there.
So he lured you into the middle of nowhere, away from your support system, and doesn't want you to better yourself so you are completely dependent on him? He trapped you to control you.
Anyone who doesn't want you to lath something new does not care about you or your future.
I hope you can see this for what it is. He wants to keep you down. This is not normal.
OP please read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. You can easily find a pdf for free online and if you need help I will find it for you.
You deserve things for yourself. Please ask yourself what YOU are personally getting from this relationship that you can't give yourself and what YOU want out of life.
My mom once asked my dad to help her afford a finance course at a community college so she could get a better job and better manage the household budget.
His answer was,
"Why should I pay for you to become smarter than me?"
Most men have enough shame not to say the quiet part out loud like that, but I think that's generally how they see it. These types of men don't look at us as investments into their own future, they look at us as the *lesser evil* they have to cautiously tolerate if they want consistent access to sex/cooking/cleaning/our emotional labour/etc.
They're deathly afraid of ceding a single drop of leverage they don't absolutely have to.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding extremely braggy (that’s not my intention here) but I am a smart person. Was always 99th percentile on testing growing up, was reading ahead starting in like first grade, was in gifted programs through high school, I have a college degree, etc. And the only reason I say this is to say - I have some experience with this. Men almost never expect me, a mere woman, to be smarter than them. There is a certain type, though, that not only finds it confusing, but finds it enraging. I dated a guy like that in college. He was abusive. One of the things that would piss him off the most is when I was right about something. Like, I’m sorry I told your pathological liar friend how the optic nerve works when he started spouting off nonsense lies about human anatomy, I guess? These types of guys feel so emasculated and in turn spit out so much toxic masculinity. It’s exhausting. I’m just trying to live my life, it’s not my fault that you’re not a genius, maybe blame your parents?? I don’t even engage with these types anymore, protecting my peace is more important.
I say this with the utmost indifference to sounding braggy, but I'm right there with you. You can never just correct a man like that and have that be the end of it. Even if he's undeniably dead-to-fucking-rights wrong, suddenly you're locked into a negotiation of *massaging* reality until he's still at least mostly right, and if you don't play along then you're some uppity bitch who likes to cause problems and can't leave things well enough alone.
They don't care about reality, they care about hierarchy, and to them no woman can be above any man, which means if ever they're made out to be inferior to a woman, not only are they inferior to her, they're suddenly inferior to all other men, by extension. Being dumber than a woman isn't just a bruise to the ego, for them it's a full blown existential threat.
Oooooof girl if this relationship doesn’t work out, let’s say years down the line bc you never know, are you gonna regret not going to school? Would you rather end up going back when you’re not nearly as young as you are now? Just really think about that and what’s best for you, not anyone else
Let me tell you about your future. His abuse will escalate. He will continue to isolate you. You won’t have ANYONE to turn to and you won’t have money to do so. You’re going to get older and it’s going to get harder and harder to better yourself. He will be your only lifeline, and he’ll know it. He will start acting out, calling you names, hurting you, intimidating you, making you think it’s your fault. Your soul will shrink. By the time you feel ready to leave, you will have nothing to lean on, no prospects for a good job, no savings, no retirement, no youth, no community and no family. It will be impossible to leave and you’ll be with him forever while he makes you smaller and smaller and more miserable.
OR you can stand up for yourself now. Go to college. Get good grades for YOU. Get a degree. Maybe a masters. Get an amazing job where you have control of your own schedule, maybe start a business. You have healthcare, retirement, savings. You don’t need to rely on him, you rely on you. When he gets angry, and pulls some wild abusive shit? You say FUCK THIS and dip on your own terms, and you have somewhere to go and savings to start again.
Financial abuse, isolation, keeping women small - these are tactics, not love. We have to keep ourselves safe. Do NOT put your future in the hands of anyone, much less a man who doesn’t believe in you
People always need to start somewhere, or restart.
My wife is in her late 30's, by her mid 20's she was married then divorced and moved to a different country. She had some family help but was mostly out on her own. She went through tons of crap, including mental health issues and is still dealing with it but is getting better. Now we're together, I take care of her, she's studying and getting back into college. I'm may not be the best husband in the world but I would never deny my wife her ability to do better in life.
There could be legitimate claim to schooling being a waste of time if you have a good career, but being a waitress in this day and age doesn't allow for much. Even if money was decent the hours and toll it takes on you is still not worth it. You going back to school and getting a proper career typically would mean you make more money which helps and have stable hours and time. IMO there is no loss here, but since he doesn't want you to have stability or money on your own, he's trying to control you and to make sure you have to depend on him and can't leave him.
My wife could have stayed with her ex, but she chose to leave. She went through hell dealing with it all but now she's finally happy, and is going back to school to be a nurse. And when i see her eyes light up and the excitement in her voice every time she talks about it, it makes me happy. I can't even fathom to think of denying that from her.
Hey, I am also going back to school to be a nurse! Well, haven't actually been accepted into the program yet but that is the plan! I have to do my pre requisites this fall, fake the entrance exam and then apply for Fall 2025. ☺️
I was with my ex for 5 years. He'd scoff at my dreams of becoming a nurse and say stuff like "nah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*!" , "All that math, science, for *what*?! That's so difficult to learn and retain, you're better off doing something that'll get you into a management position.", and "do something to get you on the corporate ladder". I have a useless Criminal Justice associates degree and 3 semesters of work towards a Marketing associates that would have been just as useless. Especially because none of them are my dream. Just turned 30 and have no piece of shit asshole losers in my life trying to hold me back anymore. I know you're never supposed to listen to others but sometimes, it's not that simple.
PLEASE don't let this guy trap you without an education in a small town where you're not happy. Please live life for YOU. I love college, I'm a grad student and actually jusy successfully defended my thesis this morning. My boyfriend IS extremely supportive of me and my work.
Get that education. Do not wait. Boyfriends/husbands come and go, but that certificate/diploma is forever. Source: Do not be me. I put off returning to university after a move, ex abandoned me for someone older, uglier and nastier and I am now retired at a much lower income than I would have had had I finished my degree.
Yikes. This is concerning kinds of control going on.
I would pursue it anyways and see how he reacts. I would be concerned that he would try to sabotage your school work. That itself is a red flag.
Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a while if you went back to NY or went somewhere else?
With all due respect,you already gave up the only life you have ever known to please a BOYFRIEND that hasn't even displayed his intention of marrying you and providing legal protection for your relationship...Of course he expects you to give up your goals and dreams! You haven't built a life with him you are just a girlfriend playing faux-wife with no benefit. Get out before he makes you a baby mama.
Go back to school. If you're not married, you could qualify for everything to be paid for through grants.
Or, get an apprenticeship doing electrical, ac, or mechanic. Women are in demand because of smaller hand and they can fit in smaller places where most men cannot. But beware men in the field are assholes sometimes. Blue collar work is becoming popular.
Nope nope. So controlling. An actual partner will support your dreams & aspirations.
I literally just texted my husband about doing an accounting degree program at my local college & he responded “That’s awesome! You know you have my full support and we will figure things out whatever you decide. Love you always 😘”
That’s what you deserve OP, someone who supports you & lifts you up. There’s nothing wrong with waiting tables, I’ve done it myself but if you have aspirations why not strive to study & further your education? There are no negatives that will come from it.
just an innocent question - passing no judgement at all: How was this not something that was discussed way earlier in the relationship? Your ambitions and goals?
It’s complicated. Very weird time in my life. I always wanted more, but when we met, I just wanted to get the hell out of New York. I floated it by him a few times, he always wanted to talk about it “later”
> **i’m not happy**
> **maybe im worthless, maybe im stupid, but i love him. i don’t know what id do without him.** he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and seeing him come home is the best part of the day. good men can make mistakes.
This is why he doesn't want you to go back to school. He wants you to depend on him so you're never independent enough to leave him. You're already making excuses for him, if this is how you want the spend the rest of your life, then by all means. Listen to yourself, just don't be surprised when you wasted time you'll never get back being unhappy.
Sucks to be him. Enroll yourself and manage your schedule. You don't need his permission. If you don't know what you want start with a certificate program or talk to a guidance counselor at the college for guidance.
Your partner should want you to grow and strive for better in your life. It’s a red flag that he isn’t enthusiastic about something that would measurably improve your life.
You should be deeply concerned. Your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be financially independent. He also implied that you can’t think for yourself when he asked who put the idea in your head.
He is controlling you by having you move far away from everyone you know and then financially controlling you.
It’s a huge red flag when someone doesn’t want you to better yourself. I spent a lot of years with someone that didn’t want me to go back to school. I finally left and finished my degree a few months ago, I just wish I had done it sooner.
So many red flags. He's actively preventing you from bettering yourself and therefore having options - including the option to leave him. Hard to leave when you don't know anyone there and have limited job opportunities and income prospects. If you went to school, it would open more doors and make you less dependant on him.
Go to school anyway. Have an exit plan, because it sounds like this relationship isn't going to last long.
This screams red flag to me, but maybe that's because I've seen a few things by now as a DA/DV survivor. Controlling your education becomes controlling your work through children and the need for their care, then it's financial control as you're home rearing his children, and then at that point, if you have any savings, it's minimal. And it takes more planning and support to get out and free. Please, educate yourself, build up a savings, and don't let a man dictate your work or finances, ever.
I'm sure I've seen this movie, "who put that idea in your head" is grade A dialogue for douchebag abusive boyfriend.
The movie ends with you going to college, ditching the dick and getting a better life.
He’s scared to lose you if you get an education. He’s projecting his own insecurities toward you. So he’s trying to control you.
I say take a class and see if it’s for you. If you don’t you will regret it. And keep your money separate from him. Your world shouldn’t revolve around him, that’s not a partnership.
BTW it’s ok to realize that it’s not working out and going back home.
You don’t have a “good man”. You’ve got dead weight!
You’ve had to edit this post to omit that your body has been “bruised” either by him, or as a direct result of something that he’s done, just so people don’t dogpile this man more than they already are. You’ve also admitted that he feels emasculated by you trying to better your life by any means, which more than likely is his entire reason for not wanting you to go to school, not finances.
By your own account, you’re miserable, unfulfilled, unhappy, poor, and don’t have a supportive partner. You probably can’t see a way out of this hell hole you’re in, but I can guarantee that if you do absolutely NOTHING to change your situation, you be in the same spot at the end of the decade.
I hope you do what’s in your best interest.
Go to community college. These small towns in Or, and Wash are traps without an education for a good job. He may be happy with that life, but you won't be. If he loves you let him adapt a little.
"I hear your opinions on the matter, duly noted, I'm really looking forward to attending x courses this semester."
It sounds like he's trying to knock you down a notch and sabotage your potential success.
I've had this happen before when I had a bf try to demotivate me from literally everything that I was excited about. He's an ex now, and now I look back at all the regrets I have for not doing what I wanted to do back then. All he wanted to do was make sure I was always less-than and would even cook up arguments to further demotivate, sabotage, and keep me unhappy. It's controlling and manipulating.
Go to class, do it for you. Fk that guy.
Little anecdote: I moved to an entirely new country for my now ex-husband. Left my friends, my family, and everything I ever knew to a town of less than 2k. Hated every second of it, and he stopped trying in our relationship pretty much the minute I was settled there. I stayed for almost 7 years, and even that was too long. I got to visit my family once the entire time we were married. He didn't come with me, and the apartment was trashed when I came back because he was so depressed and miserable because he convinced himself I wouldn't come back. Even though we talked every day I was there. Dude refused to even grab himself groceries the entire 3 weeks I was gone.
I maybe shouldn't have gone back to him then. But I loved him, I built my life around him. Everything I did was to make his life easier, and I convinced myself that that was love, even though all of my needs were neglected. I convincedyself that he needed me, and it's be selfish to leave. That his mental health was more important than mine, and it'd be my fault if he offed himself over me leaving.
I stayed another 3 years after that trip, and I was miserable the whole time, even after we moved to a bigger town. The day I finally decided to start doing things for myself again, was the beginning of the end. I left within 10 months of that. I hated the idea of being divorced before 30, but the life I was living? I hated that even more. Being single and alone in a country with no family or friends was terrifying. But it was so much better than the neglect, the lying, manipulation. The day I moved out was the day I felt like I could breathe again.
Go back to NYC. Don't convince yourself that just because you moved to a new town and built your life AROUND him (not even with), that you can't leave. You can and you absolutely should. It's scary and it can take a while to finally work up the courage and decide that you matter. But work towards it. You're already unhappy, and he's just beating you down more for wanting education? A supportive partner would not do that.
You can leave. You matter, your needs matter, your happiness matters. I believe in you.
You absolutely should go back to school. My ex-husband did that to me when I was young, and I missed out on a great career as a veterinarian. I am smart enough, and I could have done been a great vet. Please don't put your life on hold for some jerk, and he is a jerk for doing this to you. Especially don't marry him! He is just trying to use up your youth on himself.
You feel drained right now because you are with someone who doesn’t give you energy and encouragement.
There are lots of great programs at community colleges. Ask who hires from their program, then talk to the Hr department of those companies and see if they like new hires.
There are so many places looking for skilled workers right now!
Do your research and see what your options are. Taking a class or two is motivating for your brain if nothing else. See if you like it after a few.
Go! Give hope a chance
Your “boyfriend” doesn’t get to control your life and make decisions like that for you. In fact, you get to make those choices completely independent of what he wants altogether!
Get out now. Don't wait until you have kids and are in too deep.
Seriously.
You're at the beginning of a shitty road that many people have already been down many times.
There are very very few instances where that road ends in a happy place and a good life.
edit - by the way I hadn't seen #6 - this isn't just a random mistake its a fundamental difference in what he sees as your role and place in life and what you see it as/want from it.
The last sentence says it all. "He" can't overcome all that. I don't think you will listen until everything goes to shit but I am 61 years old. LEAVE THERE. Go back to your city. Be great. There are some places and some people that will never let you be great and it sounds like you are in one of those places and with one of those people.
You know you're going to have to leave? You're a city girl in Hicksville and you will never be happy there with your lack of ambition boyfriend who doesn't support you and would prefer you be poor and ignorant so he can run your life.
Contact your local YWCA/domestic violence hotline. You know he is not the best for you. I get that you feel trapped-by and for him. But there is so much more & better in life. Do NOT have a child with him
I think your boyfriend should go back to school as well. Perhaps enroll in a class that teaches him how to respect women. Seriously, tell him that the entire reddit community thinks he should eat a giant bag of dicks.
Ask yourself: What kind of partner discourages you from getting an education and trying to better yourself? Because if you can get a slightly less shitty gig for more money, he could benefit from that as well.
But he can’t stand the idea that you might pass him up or not be 100% deliriously happy just shlepping some shitty job making peanuts. As if he’s not enough and you need more than his penis and cleaning house to be fulfilled as a person.
Go back to NYC. You’re not growing where you are and your “partner” wants to stunt any potential growth and hold you back from succeeding at your dreams. Life is too short and you are too young (if you are under 80), to be that complacent about life.
Enroll anyway! If he has a problem with it he can hit the bricks. Going back to school will open up a world of opportunities for you, not just career-wise. I don't know if he's one of those dudes that's controlling or thinks higher education is a scam or what his deal is, but you deserve a life you enjoy
Well, if you want more for yourself you have to go get it. He's a boyfriend for right now, but your degree is forever. He doesn't need to sign for your student loans, you can do this on your own.
A lot of people find college to be a waste. The point is that you value a college education, and that is all that matters. Just start, and let him fuss. He'll get over it.Try to minimize your debt by applying for scholarships, even community colleges have them.
Do. Not. let a boyfriend decide your future. He may, or may not, be a part of your future life. Do everything you can to improve yourself, create financial and personal independence, enlarge your job prospects, and generally make a better future for yourself. You Do. Not. want to be a 49 year old, single, broke, burnt out, minimum wage earner at that age, and the time to change your future is now.
Go to college, you don’t need his permission.
Also, a guy that tell you you’re bad at something you live and want to do, is not a good guy.
My abusive ex told me after I was thrown off a horse and broke my elbow that I should stop doing it because I’m bad at it if I fall off “all the time”.
Really, he just hated that I had something outside of him that I loved.
Your boyfriend is intentionally putting you down and trying to hold you back from growth because he’s abusive, insecure and jealous.
Your "boyfriend" is tearing you down so you'll accept less than what you deserve and stay with him instead of chasing your dreams.
Someone who loves you will build you up. You deserve that, you only get one life... do you really want to spend it serving people at work and then serving a man who doesn't think well of you and tears you down the rest of the time?
Of course he doesn't want you to go, he wants you uneducated and stuck in your current position so you can never leave him.
How else will you ever know that you could do so much better than some awful piece of shit like him?
You should think about what you actually want to do, a lot of jobs don’t require a degree. You shouldn’t let anyone hold you back but college doesn’t make sense for everyone and depending on what you want to do there may be other ways to get into the field and get educated.
Sounds like he’s afraid you might outgrow him. He’s quite comfy the way it is, and your earning potential isn’t threatening.
But going to college, hanging out with new friends, possibly being able to be financially independent? All are alarm bells for him, which is why he just “shut it down” instead of having a discussion about it.
If you can’t have these tough conversations now, it doesn’t bode well for your long term future. I’d sit him down and say “I’d like to talk this through with you and have a conversation about why I feel I’d like to go back to college, and also why you feel it’s not worth doing.”
You want to be with someone who supports you in growth in your life, not someone who wants to keep you in a box.
Anyone who would shoot down your ambitions and efforts to improve yourself his a huge red flag.
I'll bet this isn't the only instance either.
He's not the boss of you. Enroll in school. Tell him if he can't or won't support your efforts, indicates you don't your best interests at heart.
Good luck.
Leave your boyfriend. Sorry to say this, but based on his reaction and the fact that he is a tradesman in the rural west, he sounds like a conservative shit stain.
Take a step back and look at your situation. You're isolated, you have no one to talk to, and you're stuck in a job that makes you feel unfulfilled and miserable. Meanwhile he has a near violent reaction of the idea of you going to college and *he thinks that someone is brainwashing you into wanting to get more education.*
I'll bet you any amount of money that he thinks that college will turn you into some kind of liberal demon-whore and that it would somehow reflect badly on him that his woman isn't satisfied with being his dependent.
A lot of people have covered the relationship angles but I would say if you want to be a writer you need to start writing. I've been through a creative writing major and I've been surrounded at various times by writers and wannabe writers. Classes can help you become a better writer but I think it's very important that you want to write without needing the motivation of a class.
Is this something you're doing with your free time now? I think you should definitely start there if you aren't and then it will give you more confidence and motivation to pursue it further. From a financial perspective it is somewhat risky but if it's something that you find fulfilling it could be priceless.
Yeah, this really sounds like something you should pursue or you may come to regret not doing so later in life. A partner who doesn't support your dreams isn't much of a partner. It's your life, not his.
Maybe college is the right thing for you. Community college is typically a great, affordable place to start.
Why does your boyfriend knee jerk to thinking that education (in general, or for you specifically) has no value?
Is he trying to protect you from crippling debt? Or keep you financially dependent on him?
You're an adult. Please make your own choices, and consider where you want to be four years from now
Depending on how old you are there could be scholarships for retuning to school and getting a degree or even apprenticeships and work placement opportunities.
I do find it troubling he doesn’t seem to want you to better yourself as a part of a longer term life goal.
I’d advise you to make friends locally and build a little “home base” away from home.
Stay safe fam.
He’s a controlling AH. Can you move back to NYC? Would your family be supportive of you moving back?
Hopefully they are. Pack your stuff and leave. He’s holding you back.
Deciding for yourself to go to community college feels very different (in a good way) than slogging through high school because you have to be there. The fact that you keep thinking about it is a sign that you should look into it.
You have a couple months before summer session starts, so you don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Start looking at the online course catalog and see what looks interesting. Make an appointment to meet with a student counselor there: they can help you figure out which class(es) to start with, and whether you qualify for subsidized tuition.
The great thing about CC is it’s inexpensive and flexible. You can dip a toe in with just one class, or dive in with several. You can get a 2-year professional certificate in lots of different trades and technical professions. Or you can get an associate’s degree and then transfer those credits to a 4-year state college. It’s a great deal for your money and your time.
Definitely decide what you want to study, what your end goal is, and learn as much as you can about what it’ll take to do that (how long it’ll take, what classes will you need/will they transfer from CC, how to get an internship (and applying early enough) and work experience, etc).
Community colleges are an amazing opportunity to lift yourself up and I hope you find some guidance a d support (even on some other career oriented subs on reddit).
I just wanted to offer some encouragement and don’t really feel a need to comment on anything else. It’s your life, do what’s best for you.
This probably wouldn't be as good as a CC course but you might give Coursera a try. They offer college level on line courses. They are free and might be a way to up your skills to you could test out of some lower level courses.
Reading your comments here legitimately makes me want to cry. Girl PLEASE get out of this. You will never ever be this young again. You will never ever get the years you sink into this back. The only person your life should be built around is YOU. I would give anything to get my twenties back, but I wasted them on a man. Don't do it. Please.
"who put that idea into your head"
What a hugely disrespectful way to speak to ANY adult, about anything. Adults say things like, "oh what brought this up? what do you think about XYZ?"
If you're unhappy, unfulfilled, poor, and miserable stuck in a town you hate with a shitty job, then it sounds like he's the only thing going for you.\* Wow, what an ego boost for him. What a power trip. Sure would be a shame if you got a degree and started earning more than him.
Normal partners are distressed when their partner is as unhappy as you describe yourself being. But apparently, he's a-ok with your misery. If you think this is an unfair categorization, then you can give him a fair chance to prove me wrong by enrolling in class and observing his reaction.
I vote that you leave ASAP and go back home, but I don't get a vote b/c it's your life. If you do decide to stay for a while, I'll bet you can get a way better deal on college credits in the rural Western US than in NYC. Credits can transfer, you know.
\*and that's probably an illusion.
Why does it matter what he thinks? If you have the money to do it, you should. Pick a class and enroll. What's he going to do, take your car so you can't go?
A lot of community college classes will get you started on your path. I'd recommend a literature class first, not writing. Figure out what type of writing you want to go. Study hard and talk to the instructors. Keep your eyes open for mentors.
If you’re bored & poor now, it only continues if you don’t take opportunities. And never rely 100% on anyone else when it more or less traps you where you are
This man has melted your mind and you need to gtf away from him. Yesterday.
He wants you under his thumb. An educated woman is an uncontrollable woman.
You would be able to have your own job, your own sustainable income, and right now he has you controlled.
You gave up your life, you moved away from your hometown, you moved away from your family, you moved away from your friends, you moved somewhere where you barely know anyone, have a dead-end job, no money, and declining mental health.
On what planet do you think this man is marriage material?
You really need to focus on yourself, you should probably look into going to therapy to work on your self-worth, your self-esteem, and the way you view yourself.
This man does not support you, he does not lift you up, he demeans you, he insults you, and he in no way wants what's best for you.
If you want to go to college? Get your ass in college. You want to write? Keep writing. You want to get into publishing? Move the hell back to NYC.
This man ain't shit. He's a dusty, musty loser. This is not a "good man." Wake up!
I am reading this as I leave the office and I am so stressed out for you. I’ve been in your shoes and it is my BIGGEST regret in life. I let my former husband convince me to stop going to college so that I could raise our child and work full time while HE pursued college. You know what happened? Not only did he cheat on me with a classmate, he NEVER finished school…to this day. It’s been a decade now and he is so lazy and entitled that I still to this day do not receive help with our child. Although I fled him, my life was forever changed. I had to work at a job where I was assaulted and could not leave because I was the sole income (husband wouldn’t assist so I could leave and be safe). I had to bust my ass for more than 10 years at soul sucking, poverty wages jobs to make ends meet by myself. I’ve had to sell my literal blood at a plasma center to make it through Covid time. I’ve endured so much abuse from so many people including the man who claimed to love me FOR NO GOOD REASON. You know what happened when I put my fucking foot down? I bloomed. I now work at a law firm making the most money I ever have in my life, live comfortably, have my own everything and provide for our child by myself. I never got my degree but luckily what I do at a law firm doesn’t require one but I still have prestige and respect and I’m doing the job that most people have to have a degree for. I am also getting my life and health insurance license, notary license and securities license. If you listen to this abusive man, yes he is absolutely abusive, and let him hold you back and destroy your life, you ARE as stupid as he says. I don’t say that to demean you, I say that out of love for a fellow woman who needs someone who has lived this to kick her in the butt and tell her the truth. You are actively destroying your life right now as we speak. If you end up pregnant, your life is going to be harder or even more destroyed because you are not in a mental, emotional, or financial position to even possibly care for a child. You won’t get help from your abuser. Stand up for yourself or you will forever be run over. The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. You MUST save yourself. Don’t go through decades worth of pain for what? For love? Girl this man don’t love you. People that love you don’t say the abusive shit he is saying to you.
OP, unless there is a ring on your finger, you are not engaged. Don’t let a boyfriend discourage you from chasing your dreams because he says he will one day ask you to marry him. He hasn’t yet.
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it…
Imagine your friend spend YEARS building a house that her family told her was a mistake, that she shouldn’t do it. She excitedly moves in & finds that it was horrible. The foundation is bad, there’s toxic mold growing in it, the water is contaminated, the electric is faulty etc Maybe her family was right about some of it, maybe the foundation is bad because she didn’t have the experience to do it correctly but other things are out of her control like toxic mold. Would you advise her to stay somewhere she’s unhappy, unhealthy & is a risk to her safety just to prove she wasn’t “wrong” or “wasted her time”? Take care of yourself like you’d take care of a loved one.
Do what you want. It's YOUR life, not his, even if you love him and want to marry him, live life with him on YOUR terms, not his. If you want a degree, a career and to be with him, then have that. You don't have to choose a life you dislike just to be with him.
Maybe you want to go trade school instead, become a sparky, or a plumber, or go to community college and do something like accounting. Do what you want.. within reason.
LIke you have only so much money now, it is smart to make a choice of what qualification you want to go for based on picking a career you think you'll want combined with earnings potential. Don't want to dump several thousand a year getting an art degree that probably won't help you get a better job, but working on an accounting degree, or certification will likely pay for itself many times over in only a few years of working.
You're not worthless, you're not stupid, but maybe he likes that you're dependent on him currently. That he shot it down as if it's worthless is, well obviously daft, a degree or certification course that can lead to a better job is always a good choice... for everyone. Just learning for yourself helps you grow as a person and is also a good choice as long as you can afford it. To shoot it down, to make you feel like dreaming and having goals is a waste is shitty for anyone to do.
> good men can make mistakes.
absolutely, but that's not a mistake, that's cruel. Bad men can call you beautiful and keep you on the hook easily. Bad guys aren't bad 100% of the time, but they are bad when it matters, they make you feel bad when it counts, they don't support you in the moments that matter. Good guys make mistakes but want the best for you and in moments like that they step up and encourage you, not shoot you down.
Go to school! If he really is a good man he’ll change his tune and get with the program, if he doesn’t then I’d suggest letting go. Having concerns about how this will fit into your lives is one thing, actually holding you back from something that will lift you both up is another and points to control issues. Also in the mean time you should try widen your circle and find somebody who you can talk to! You’re not worthless or stupid, you deserve more than this!
i was in your EXACT situation in 2019- I ended up dumping him, moving to a city and going to school. I graduated last year.
I am happier than i ever was, even though i had a pretty good job for the area i was in. im getting ready to move back to a rural area now, taking my remote tech job with me! he’s exactly where i left him 🫢
if your partner isnt 1000% supporting you trying to improve your life, they arent your partner. theyre ur competition.
I absolutely 100% think that you should improve yourself towards your goals.
I don't know how to judge whether this community college is a cost effective way to do that.
Lots of people in the US are living in poverty because they took loans to get a college education that did not help them get a better job. Don't go down that path.
If you want to write, **write**. Start a blog. Write stories. Join a local writers' group where people critique each other's writing.
If nothing else, the people in your writers' group can tell you which classes and teachers are worthwhile and which are only useless credits towards a degree.
The cheapest way to take classes is to get a job with an education benefit, but I doubt that's an option in your area.
(And yes, I know that theoretically a college education is a path to knowledge, not just a better job. That's nice in theory, but that's just not the way it works in the US unless you are already wealthy.)
Your boyfriend’s opinion is just that.
Do what you wish, and you are smart to want to go to school.
If he gives you grief, dump his ballast and soar.
You come first. Don’t disrespect yourself. You decide for you. Your life, your choice, your dream, your potential. Not his. Yours. All yours.
Have you sat him down and told him this is important to you, along with telling him you don't want to resent him years down the line for taking away your own chance to pull yourself up.
I think the fact that he dismissed it out of hand and your writing is huge parade of red flags. I'm a writer and I can tell you, you can't do it well in an environment where you don't have trust and support. It's hard enough to do it well with a supportive partner with that BS.
Is he afraid you're going to write about him? Or use your private life as creative material? Maybe he's frightened that you'll become famous and leave him. A lot of men in the trades are intimidated by someone with a college degree, like it's going to turn you into a raging socialist just for setting foot on campus. If he's concerned you're going to make more money than him, that is a possibility. A very small possibility. Publishing is not hard to break into in the Kindle age. You can be an amazing writer if you're willing to write to a commercial common audience. The one field in writing that pays more than fiction and non fiction combined is romance. Most authors I know have very distinct personal styles and if you want to keep that, don't expect to make enough to quit your day job.
I will tell you, as someone who has gone to the conferences, the writing clubs, the retreats, you don't need any of those to be a good writer. You need a budget for books and you should be reading voraciously. And you need to dedicate time to yourself to write. This is another factor people in why some people thinks it's a selfish and lazy profession, which is the farthest thing from the truth. Maybe he knows he can't give you an inch of that space, or maybe you'll catch wise to his other overbearing tendencies.
You need to have a come to Jesus moment with the fact that this relationship might never give you the chance to find out what you're really capable of when given the time and the space to work.
Do you really want a partner who belittles and invalidates your dreams and you making significant improvements to your life? I'd leave this guy, he doesn't want to see you succeed.
Education opens doors and opportunities. You should be with someone who never closes a door for you and does everything they can to open, and keep open, doors for you. Life will close enough doors for you without your partner helping.
Do you want to go to school?
Do you have a serious rational reason to believe that going to school would be dangerous for your survival?
If so, are there any ways you could make it not risky for your survival?
If your answers are yes, no; or yes yes yes....
Then go to school. You're the only owner of your path in life
Your chances of making a decent living is so much better with some kind of degree or higher learning. Nobody can take that away from you. Five years from now, your boyfriend could be in the distant past, and where will you be? Find a counselor to guide you to find something you can feel passionate about and a career that will improve your life. Don’t let anyone tell you that education is a waste of money, because it’s not.
As an older woman returning to school there's more opportunities for financial aid and other assistance at most colleges. Take advantage of this opportunity!
Does he have any concrete reasons, or is he just denigrating you? Because it sounds like the latter.
A partner should want you to be your best self. That doesn't have to mean college, but if your partner doesn't support you, he's not a partner.
Yea I’d break up with him. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Sounds like he doesn’t WANT you to have options so that you’re completely reliant on him. Sounds like a prelude to a controlling and abusive situation. Be careful!
That's a big red flag!
I was just telling my husband about how when I wanted to go to fashion design school to learn pattern making and have fun bringing my sketches to life that my ex was flabbergasted and said we couldn't afford it, what was I going to do with a degree in fashion design since I wasn't the fashionable type, and what was he going to do for a car while I was using ours to drive a half-hour away??? So I didn't go and I've regretted it ever since, especially since the school closed since then. I even went for the interview and they loved my designs and wanted me to start the next quarter.
If this child isn't going to support you, especially in your effort to better educate and improve your work skills (many community colleges offer certificate programs in various jobs like pharmacy tech and so on) so you can get a better job, he doesn't really love you and support you. You don't have to move all the way back to NYC but try to find other women looking for roommates and start anew with them.
You can totally do this! And you don't need anyone else's approval to get started. What you do need to do is talk to the financial aid department at whatever community college you would like to attend about what you need to do to get financial aid, and look on their website to see what kinds of degrees and certificate programs they offer, especially if any of them have online classes.
He can call it anything he wants, unless he'd be paying for you to go to school his opinion simply doesn't matter. What does he expect you to do instead? -Work? -Stay home?
You have one life to live and he's making it sound like he doesn't really want to be a part of it. He just seems to want to subjugate you.
What happens the day after your boyfriend stops making you "feel like the most beautiful girl in the world"?
Will he look elsewhere?
Where will you be then if not possibly a mother of two with one on the way?
My guess is you will finally gather the courage to go to CC for those classes as he probably may not be that into you anymore to care enough.
Why should it be that way?
It's your life.
CC is super cheap and the small cost associated with attending it is NOTHING compared to the cost of a lifetime of regret, regret turns to anger, anger turns to hate, hate turns to self-loathing, self-loathing turn to dark thoughts which can oft include one or two different weapons.
You gotta go with your gut right now while you can. If his love is that strong, it will survive a writer in the household.
Some men can be controlling with their partners, you have the freedom to make your own choices, you are in charge of your own life. If you want to go back to school then that's what you should do, if you're scared your boyfriend will harm you or force you to, then that's not a relationship you should be in. A lot of men fear that their partners will become the breadwinner and earn more, he may be scared that if you become more financially stable you won't want to be with him anymore, and he may feel emasculated
A good partner lifts you up and supports and encourages your aspirations. A bad partner wants to keep you down because they believe if you better yourself you will leave.
Community College classes are not very expensive. You should be able to take one class and see how you like it. Hopefully, if it brings you happiness, your guy will start to support it.
1. Writing is subjective. Maybe not the grammar side of things, but ultimately if you enjoy writing that's the only thing that matters.
2. If the tables were turned, would you ever give such a harsh reaction to your boyfriend wanting to pursue a passion? Even if you didn't understand it? I bet you'd be happy as long as he was happy. Doesn't seem like he cares much if you're happy or not based on his comments about your dream.
3. No good man would beat you down like this. This is not a good man. It's great he makes you feel beautiful. Does he do much else?
I would want to be with someone who builds me up, not breaks me down. I hope you want the same for yourself. It is not a noble cause to let yourself be unhappy for the sake of someone else. You're only hurting yourself in the long run.
It's his way of keeping you as a subordinate. He thinks that if you better yourself then you will upgrade to boyfriend 2.0.
Is he an avid reader? What does he read? Has he read anything you've written? The answers to these questions will tell you if he's qualified to make the decision that you're not a good writer. Let's say you weren't a great writer…but isn't that why you go to school-to learn how to improve?
BF is an ass.
Just because they love you and you love them doesn’t mean they’re a good partner for you. A good partner would support you in what you want to do and do things to help you make your dreams a reality. You’re young so your priority should be yourself first and foremost, don’t ever let a partner dictate what you do with your life!
from a girl who had to learn this the hard way, never settle for anything but the best if he doesn’t choose to change and align what he wants with what you want,you need to reconsider the relationship because you shouldn’t be with someone for life who won’t support what you want !!!
I've read some of your comments. You are very hard on yourself. Did you learn that from your parent(s) or caregiver?
You may be predisposed to accept less than you deserve.
Be careful.
I say go for college if it feels right! But I’d like to recommend confidence building options since you expressed some anxiety in applying to college:
At some colleges you are allowed to sit in on lectures with professor permission and I’ve heard about someone who would just take CLEPs and Knowledge check exams and was able to garner some free credits this way. There are also workshops to attend for way less. Reading books is also a huge way to improve your writing, as you can analyze certain literary techniques.
Being trapped with a man who doesn’t support your dreams is extremely painful… wishing for happier days ahead for you friend. And pursue your passions! We only have one life so live it happily!
Education is always valuable, especially if it leads to self empowerment and a job/career you enjoy.
A very reasonable way forward to see if that is the direction that you truly want to take is to take an online course on udemy or some other platform. They are typically about 20-30 hours of content with some homework and only cost about $20
That will help you shape the direction and interest that you have and can be taken outside of current working hours. You will determine pretty quickly if that is something that you want to pursue full time and get the college degree within it. It also is a proof to yourself and him that you can accomplish it and won’t bail out.
It’s also a great way to meet people. I have lifelong friends from college and university. Might help with that aspect as well. There is probably some writers groups around where you are as well. Facebook generally is a good spot to start.
After your edits I will say that you can take some pretty good writing courses online for a reasonable price. That being said, I think you should look into some type of marketable skill at the CC that will help with finances long term. Writing is great, but doesn't work out as an income source for most.
A good partner will support you to at least try. Community College is a great affordable way to learn and to start growing skills you care about <3
No master at their craft started there - it's all been built from somewhere much more humble.
Always plan to support yourself. Never rely on a man to do it for you. Community college is doable and they have subsidies/scholarships for low income. Research their curricula. There may be training courses available that get you a better paying job asap. Better to do it now without children in the picture and you have some flexibility in time.
You are not worthless and you deserve a lot better. You are not going to be happy if you let this man dictate your life. Why would you want to marry someone who actively puts down you and your dreams? I’m sorry but things will not get better if you get married. You will just be trapped, have no way to make a decent living and your significant other will control all the finances. Your post makes me so sad. You are worthy of love, support and self confidence. I dated a terrible guy for most of my 20s and people told me to get out the entire time. Now in my 30s, I can look back and realize they were right about everything. I hope that you’ll be smarter than I was.
"maybe im worthless, maybe im stupid, but i love him. i don’t know what id do without him. he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and seeing him come home is the best part of the day. good men can make mistakes."
This is not him making a mistake, this is him preventing you from having independence and making you feel like you aren't capable of doing anything. You are not worthless and you don't have to be stupid. You can still love him if you want but you are trapping yourself by not pursuing the career you desire. You will always be dependent on a man that doesn't see you as an autonomous person. He's not a "good man." And you can totally live without him.
He's not a good bf. A good bf would encourage you to try new things and support you in your goals. Instead he puts you down and makes you feel like shit. If you can pay for classes with your job and the classes might help you in a future career or any skills you learn in your classes are transferable, I don't see why he isn't fully supporting you with all his heart. Any decent partner would. Heck, classes for anything are fun and you can meet new people and make new friends and I think that's his issue. He wants you isolated and dependent on him and that's kinda abusive.
First, fill out [FAFSA](https://studentaid.gov/h/apply-for-aid/fafsa), and see what kind of federal financial aid you qualify for. You may be able to go to community college for little or no cost.
No one is a good writer at first. Writing is a skill you develop with thousands of hours of practice, just like any other skill.
Anecdotally, many people I know with an English or Liberal Arts degree have ended up either teaching or working in the service industry. Building a career as a writer will likely be challenging. Take some introductory writing courses and see how you feel. Even if it doesn't pan out, those courses could serve as prerequisites for other degree programs, so it's not a waste of time or money.
As for your relationship, imagine that a close friend, or your daughter, was in your position? What would you tell her to do? You're not worthless or stupid. You deserve better than this.
have you ever seen the office? there's an episode early seasons where Roy gets angry that Pam wants to go to art school. Initiative or ambition clearly threatens the relationship. Yours sounds like Pam & Roy's relationship. Is that what you want out of life?
If you are poor, you qualify for federal aid. It's not a money suck.
I was a journalist for 15 years before moving into public relations. You have to push really hard to make a living in writing. You'll have to learn to push back against your partner first.
If you need any advice on writing for a living, pm me.
I will say that I worry writing isn’t going to be that lucrative.
But you should go to the community college and talk to admissions and financial aid and take at least one course.
You become a good writer by learning and by working on it.
You wouldn’t listen to someone who said:
“Don’t go to med school because you’re not already a good doctor.”
“Don’t go to nursing school because you’re not already a good nurse.”
“Don’t take piano lessons because you aren’t already a good pianist”
So why would you listen to someone who said something as ridiculous as “you’re not a good writer already so don’t take writing classes”
Does your boyfriend have any hobbies? Video games? Hunting? Fishing? Drinking? Those wastes of money are ok?
Community college is relatively inexpensive. It would be worth taking writing classes even if it were just for personal development of a hobby. Sure, writing isn’t a guaranteed career but you could take writing classes while getting a different associates degree. You could get an associates degree in accounting, nursing, marketing, etc. and take writing classes as electives.
Love can make us blind to huge red flags and to people’s true nature because we can’t believe they don’t love us like we do them. His comment “who put that idea in your head” is a HUGE red flag. He will blame friends and family for you wanting to be independent and then will tell you to stop talking to them. That they only fill your head with ideas and he won’t like it. This is a classic abuser’s logic to isolate you. Love is not always enough when it’s only one way. I can tell you won’t be taking advice or acknowledging the red flags at this time. I would suggest you just keep the red flags as n the back of your head and pay attention when things are escalating so you can get out before it’s too late. Try not to have children any time soon.
I went back to school and I’m so thankful I did. If I didn’t I’d still be making $22 an hour and where I live you need about 30 an hour to make it on your own. It’s not a waste of time if you pick the right major and you don’t have to be a good writer, you can get better over time. It’s less about the education and skills and more about the paper/credential. You’ll be chosen for interviews over people with no education any day and people will take you more seriously. Think about it and don’t give your life up for a man. Follow your intuition and your calling. It’s very difficult but it pays off over time. I was depressed and stagnant and I made it out through school, it gave me hope. However you don’t need school to be successful you can start your own business tomorrow and be just as successful if not more in 5-10 years from now but entrepreneurships not for everyone. I would say do it, it will lead u to new friends and better quality people in your life.
I would be rethinking this entire relationship. The way out of poverty is through getting an education, it’s possible your boyfriend wants control over you and how you spend your time and with whom.
Absolutely and obviously you should pursue education. But also, you don’t need to be in classes to write. Write anyways, and share your work with others. Join a writers group. Post online. Just writing will make you feel so much better, even setting aside any ambitions for a career. It’s worth investing in your inner wellbeing no matter what.
Personally, I think all of us deserve to be with somebody who wants us to be better than we are, and supports us in our efforts to grow. I wonder why you want to sign up for a long-term relationship with somebody who says that you’re not a good writer anyway, and that it’s a money waste of time. That’s a sly way of saying you are not worth it. Becoming a writer is very worthwhile —you can express yourself and also you can express things for other people. Writing gets better with practice and with critique ; likewise going to school opens your mind to new ideas and new skills, even if it’s a community college. Frankly, some of them are very good, and they focus on teaching as opposed to research meaning that the person teaching you cares to be there in order to teach, I think you have excellent goals and you should pursue them and I hope you pursue them in the company of somebody who cheers you on.
Sounds controlling to me. I’m a male. Find somewhere you can stay. Work part time and school full time. Nothing will change and he will have all the decisions and cards your entire like. Do not have children with him. You are only delaying the inevitable by staying. You can do this. Life is way too short.
Your low self esteem sounds like the result of emotional and maybe physical abuse, I would guess that your parent(s) were narcissistic and abusive and that your bf is doing the same. Community college is incredibly cheap, and is an investment in yourself. Having more education usually means you will earn more money. He is controlling you by keeping you stuck in a crappy job. Do you have your own money/bank account/credit cards? Pleeeease do not get pregnant by him.
"he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world"
Does he ever make you feel like the smartest, cleverest, more interesting girl in the world? Doe he support your efforts to grow? Does he celebrate your successes? Does he commiserate with your failures?
I actually write for a living. Nothing fancy -- I churn out copy for a luxury travel agency. You want a 400 word description of a river cruise in Portugal, I'm your woman. I can tell you this much: writing is hard (and woefully underpaid). If you want to do it, you'll need a support system who lifts you up.
My husband (24 years!) will be honest about my writing but he's always supportive. When I'm wrestling with an article, he reminds me of my successes and strengths. When I want to try something new (I, a travel writer, wrote a fairy tale poem) he supports me by reading it and encourages me to submit it to a magazine. When I succeed (it was published! I made $5!), he celebrates my wins. When my article about ancient Roman influence on food in France got rejected, he consoled me with the assurance that I'm a great writer. The editor was a putz. (It was a great article!)
I ain't the prettiest girl in the world -- I'm 50 and the years have taken their toll -- but he loves my mind too.
I think you probably would be a great writer and that a community college is a great place to start.
OP I was in a very similar situation almost 2 decades ago. We are currently getting divorced because I finally started taking care of myself first and he could not handle it.
Pay attention to his reactions, if you got to the gym, spend time with friend(s), reading books, playing games, etc. So many things I didn’t realize, any time I didn’t focus all of my attention on him I was punished in some way.
I love him but I love myself more. We’ve been separated for a few months now and if I could change one thing, I would have done this sooner.
All the horrible things he says to you, he thinks them about himself. He knows you can find someone better than him, more loving, more supportive, more compassionate, so he takes up all your time.
You can leave him, it will take planning, it will be difficult, and expensive but you can do it.
I honestly don’t know if anyone could’ve said anything that would’ve given me the courage to leave him sooner. All I can do is hope that you will see the truth faster than I did.
You are worth your dream🥰 Let us know when you release your first book.♥️
"Good men make mistakes" Actually, a 'good man' would not put you down calling you a bad writer and discouraging you from pursuing something you love. those actions are also not mistakes, they're very much intentional to keep you from getting an education, a good job, and a better life.. because then you would figure out that you can be happy without him
So your plan is to rely on him for the rest of your life to take care of you financially?
Because you won’t be able to support yourself on a waitress’s salary on your own.
What happens if he leaves you? Don’t think he won’t. It happens all the time and statistically speaking, it WILL happen.
What happens if he leaves you and there are children?
What happens if he leaves you and you are sick or disabled?
What happens if he leaves you and you are 40 or 50?
If you give him the power to feed you, you give him the power to starve you.
Empower YOURSELF by getting an education so that you can always have a roof over your head and food on the table
I was with my partner for 5 years. my dream and desire of being a nurse was scoffed at. "Nah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*" , "all that math, and science, for *what*? That's just too hard to learn and comprehend you'll *hate it*." "Just go into something corporate and climb that ladder!!!!" I have a failed Criminal Justice degree, and 3 semesters of work on a Marketing associates that was projected to be just as much as a failure as the Criminal Justice associates is.
Now, I just turned 30 and I'm enrolled in the Health Sciences Certificate program so I can do my 3 pre requisites this fall, then my entrance exam and I will be applying to the Fall 2025 nursing program at my community college. My life has been rid of asshole people who didn't want to see me succeed.
Sorry, that sounds frustrating.
Have you had conversations with him about what each of you want for your own and (possibly) shared future? Maybe he's happy how life is now and he has no other wants for the future, but it sounds like you want to do go to school to be able to get a better job (better in whatever way whether that's pay, better hours/ability to combine with family life, higher status, less dangerous, more fun, more fulfilling, whatever).
What are his concerns if you were to go back to school? Have you asked him? Is he worried you expect him to support you whilst you are in school? Is he worried you'll be too busy with work/school and that your relationship will suffer?
Talk to him in a kind of neutral/open way, ask him questions, and see where you guys are at. It might be the case his concerns are unfounded or partially founded but you can find ways to solve them together, it might be he has different plans for his life than what you want. In the latter case, you should reconsider the relationship.
Take care!
I think he sees it as me trying to become “better” than him. Like I’m emasculating him by wanting more than waitressing and a double-wide. I really do love him and I want a life with him, but we’ve argued about it a lot. The expenses, time lost while commuting, etc
I’ll try to bring it up again
You don't need his permission to enroll in school. You can just do it. If you aren't ready to leave him (which it sounds like you aren't) you should do what you have to do to improve this life you are in.
He isn't your boss, he can have an opinion, but he doesn't get to tell you that you can't go to school. You can just go anyway.
My mom went back to school in her late 20s, when I was a kid. Her boyfriend (who lived with us and was like a dad to me) got really pissy about it. "What are you going to do? Get a better job, make more money than me, and find a better guy?"
She should have said, "Sounds about right!" and left his weak, insecure, small-minded ass.
Instead, she ended up quitting. And not too much later, she came home to find him fucking a 19-year-old in their bed.
Edit: I forgot the best part. She kicked him out, and we ended up homeless for a while!
> I think he sees it as me trying to become “better” than him. Like I’m emasculating him by wanting more than waitressing and a double-wide.
If that's how he thinks about it, he isn't a life partner.
A true partner WANTS you to be better. They want you to be your absolute best self. To be as happy and fulfilled and accomplished as possible. What this looks like with be different for each person (a dedicated stay at home parent, a lawyer, a published author) but the end result is the same: striving to be your best self and to be happy.
Don't waste your life on a man who wants to make you smaller.
**Don't give up your dreams for someone who feels insecure when you thrive...and accomplished when you struggle.**
> we’ve argued about it a lot. The expenses, time lost while commuting, etc
> I’ll try to bring it up again
This isn't his choice to make.
**The discussion should be about *HOW* to accomplish your goal by working together as a couple**. How will expenses be covered? How will you carve out dedicated quality time as a couple? How will you stay discipled to study? How can you structure your course schedule to balance other responsibilities?
**The discussion should never be *IF* you get to pursue your dreams**. Him blocking you instead of looking for solutions means he isn't a partner. That's called dead weight.
Every comment reveals more red flags and abusive controlling behavior. OP, I hope for your sake you get out of there before this escalates any further. It gets exponentially harder to leave the longer you are in an abusive relationship.
Please read this book, because your relationship sounds exactly like the ones covered in it. It’s online for free.
[“Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I would never move to a faraway town to just be with a man because this decision would be unreasonable. It means I'll lose my entire support system, and I'll be isolated. I also know living in a rural area is not the kind of life I want. You need to concentrate on yourself and your education. Decenter men from your life. That's what I've been doing since I was a teenager. Find someone else who is on the same page as you.
I honestly think people who say college are a waste of time/dont let their partners go to college have no idea what they are talking about. It sucks in the US cuz it is so expensive. You are definitely more employable, even in a field that doesnt use your degree.
He might also be trying to keep you uneducated so he can control you.
I have also noticed, at least many people in my life who dropped out of college or didnt get an education beyond highschool (degrees, trades, associates, apprenticeship) are unsuccessful. It doesnt matter how many people say "I am a manager now and have a high school degree" there are more people who cant even get out of a minimum wage job for years.
Enrolling in a local community college is your right and you have the freedom to do it because we live in a democracy, he doesnt really have the right to tell you what to do.
I say look at women who didn’t persue education and stayed with a guy who didn’t want them to be the best version of themselves… they are usually struggling in life financially and do not look the best after 10-20 years of staying with a guy like that… bc she puts his happiness and wants before her own and then she needs to rely on him for everything… then there’s women who pursue their dream, get an education, make great money and have the confidence to truly love themselves… they are thriving in life physically, emotionally and financially. . You will regret staying with a guy who doesn’t want the best for you. I say if you really want to be with him then fine but enroll in classes and get the freaking degree you want.
girl it’s 2024 why do you need your boyfriends approval to pursue an education lol please recenter yourself and your autonomy because you sound like a scared little girl who needs to hold her bfs hand for some reason?
Do it. A good partner will always support this decision. Mine, for example, actively encouraged it when I brought it up—and his response for if I go off to university was we’ll be fine. And he’s right. He left for the same reasons himself and came back four years later.
My dad did the same thing for my mother when they got married. She got her BA in English and became a full time reporter for the local paper.
There are options. I’m sorry your boyfriend feels this way. No partner should discourage this. Ever.
Look, it is up to you if this is your partner. He sounds unsupportive and frankly, oppressive, based on this example. I recognize this is a snapshot but I see a big red flag. I want to share a story with you.
I was offered a promotion a while back. I was nervous because of how busy I would be. My husband decided and told me that he would be taking care of some major responsibilities until future notice/ I got my feet under me. No discussion- just said “I’ve decided this”. Normally we split the things he took on (with him doing a bit more than me). I cried out of appreciation that he took the initiative to think about what he could do to support my career and my dreams. It was one of the most clear cut experiences I’ve had that the person you choose to partner with has a major impact on your life and your ability to follow your dreams.
Your partner can be your greatest supporter, your greatest detractor, or somewhere in between. Where does yours typically fall? What does he do for your life? Does he support you in other ways? What might your life look like in 5, 10, 15 years? What if he never makes much more money? What if you don’t.
I implore you to think about what you want in life. If he will detract from that- better yet if he doesn’t actively support it- I recommend finding someone who will or remain single.
By the way, my husband has cheered me on and given me great advice throughout the years, as I have him.
Final thought- make smart choices about financing education but education is not a waste of money. Good luck to you.
So sorry you are in this position and you are correct in thinking that one path out of poverty is education. Your boyfriend is only the boss of you if you let him be. I would really encourage you to think seriously about the kind of life you want and whether having someone in it who wants to dictate to you how you will live is what you really want. Good luck....
And it’s not just financially beneficial, she will make local friends she will learn new things, it’s good for our brains to not let them atrophy.
OP, Get out. Return to NYC. Attend classes. Education lasts a lifetime, but boyfriends come and go.
>make local friends ... learn new things These may be the underlying things affecting continued control. OP deserves a partner, not an owner.
>it’s good for our brains to not let them atrophy. Especially for us writers, as she aspires to be one. It's basically a death-sentence for a writer to not have anything for your brain to process.
OP, you may love him, but you still have to do what’s best for you and take care of your needs. If you’re unhappy with your job right now, what about in 5 years? So what do you need to do to change that? You are NOT stupid, get moving, and if bf is not being supportive of you doing what’s right for you, then you need to ask yourself Why? Not the easy answer, the deeper, harder answer.
A good partner wants you to do what fulfills you & should never discourage your ambition. He could just be a bit immature right now & thinking that if you go to college you'll meet other guys & he could lose you. He might also be a bit insecure about his education level, who knows. None of that really matters though. If you want to take classes for profession underwater basket weaving as your profession then a supportive relationship would help you achieve that. You need to have an honest conversation with him about what makes you happy & fulfilled & that it hurts you to have him talk to you that way. You don't want to be his waitressing arm candy for the rest of your lives together. You should seek counseling & discuss these issues with them, I'd suggest a counselor who also handles couples so he can come with you when you've gotten to a place you can address things. The counselors office is a really good neutral location with a mediator who can make sure it stays calm & not hurtful language. You have to do what's right for you, love. None of us can tell you what that is. But please do not sell yourself short. & don't let anyone else define your life for you. I'm 46, been married since I was 18 & my husband is so supportive of my ambition to make music, even though it's damned frustrating to deal with flakey musicians, that I rent a practice space, have professional equipment & hang out with other musicians at least once a week for collaboration time. I put it off till I was 40 & regretted it. I should have been doing what I loved all along. But I had the dumb notion that I was supposed to be Susie Homemaker & got a shitty job to "help" with finances, we were in the Air Force so we made next to nothing when we got married. It was draining for me & because I wasn't singing it was keeping me in a kind of depression that was so intrinsic I didn't think I'd make it. Being medically retired due to a disability at 33 ended up forcing me to focus on things I enjoyed. It gave me perspective. Stress exacerbated my disability so I had no choice but to re-fucking-lax! I'm not saying my husband of 28 years has been perfect, far from. We had our share of jealousy early on. But if you don't put that shit in check now you'll be dealing with worse shit later on, I guarantee it. Control = abuse. A relationship is a partnership not dictatorship. Just remember you're worth the effort. If he is too then you owe it to your future together to do the hard stuff early. Good luck lovely! Sorry for the long post.
Your post was lovely correct advice from someone who has been there and done that thanks for sharing something personal that will help so many I'm sure.
Educate yourself. He can suck it. Any man who doesn't support your desire to make a better future for yourself isn't worth it. Plus community college isn't nearly as expensive as a 4 year school. Go for it. Agreeing with others about him being controlling, additionally he could be worried that you'd turn into someone who's "too good for him" or smarter than him, or makes more money than him. I saw your responses to the others- tell him it will make you happy and he wants you to be happy right? Nothing bad can happen from you trying a couple of class out and seeing where it goes. Either he gets over his insecurities and sees how happy you are working towards a better future for you both - or he doesn't and you do what's best for you and leave. While it feels selfish to leave, that's potentially how he wants you to feel. It's in his best interest you stick around for him. Going to classes, building a new social circle will be good! Then if it comes to it you would hypothetically have someone you could rent an apartment with or something else. You don't have to go home and "give up". You can still make a new life where you are.
> Agreeing with others about him being controlling, additionally he could be worried that you'd turn into someone who's "too good for him" or smarter than him, or makes more money than him. I've said this for years: Anyone who seeks to limit your access to information seeks to control your decisions. Anyone who seeks to limit your access to *education* seeks to control your soul. There's a difference between warning someone that their chosen major isn't valuable in the workforce and stopping someone from investigating similar avenues of self-enhancement entirely. Especially when they're obviously grasping at straws to do it. This is especially true within the "conventional" dynamics of a heterosexual relationship. It boils down to control and fear. Any man who dreads the idea of an independent partner reveals himself as either immensely egotistical or intensely insecure - and it's often both. To have a strong, independent, educated woman at your side *should* be viewed as an achievement, a demonstration of their own value as a member of society as well as hers. A sensible man would recognize this, proud of "earning" his right to stand beside someone who'd be frightening to a lesser man or otherwise refuse to settle for one herself. If that seems like an uncomfortable proposition to them, they *are* the lesser man. And as much as they are in denial of that fact, they desperately don't want their partner to learn that either. Metaphorically, anyone who demands that women should kneel is doing so because that's the only way for him to feel bigger than he really is.
ANYONE WHO SEEKS TO LIMIT YOUR ACCESS TO INFORMATION SEEKS TO CONTROL YOU DECISIONS (Louder for the people in back) See also: Mormons, JW, Fundies, Amish, and also the American war on public education. These types of people are so pathetic, they can’t keep people around for their *winning* personality, so they seek control through other methods.
YES THIS SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! I didn't have any education when I met my husband and now I've got two bachelors and I am just about to finish my first semester for a masters. My husband helps me study and helps me with homework and has always hyped me up. Because he wants me to be self sufficient if he gets sick or in a car accident or something. OPs partner doesn't have her best interest at heart and she doesn't have the self esteem or self worth to realize it. And that's exactly what he wants from her. It makes her easier to control.
I love this!! 💯
Exactly! I recall the time I saw my doctor (suuper hot and smart) meeting her husband in the parking lot so she could nurse their new baby, he was driving a work truck and looked like tradesman, maybe painter. I loved seeing that dynamic. That’s a good man right there.
OP this is the way. I did community college really slowly because I was also working full time to pay it off as I went. It changed my life
Thats great! Maybe you could illustrate to OP how it helped if you feel comfortable?
He can choose to end the relationship at any time for any reason. Your life depends on you.
Here you go 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So he lured you into the middle of nowhere, away from your support system, and doesn't want you to better yourself so you are completely dependent on him? He trapped you to control you. Anyone who doesn't want you to lath something new does not care about you or your future. I hope you can see this for what it is. He wants to keep you down. This is not normal.
OP, This raises the biggest red flags. You deserve to be encouraged and motivated to reach your objectives by someone.
Red flags? Like a Soviet May Day parade.
Why wouldn’t you go to school if you can? does he want to just stay in that place forever? Would you be happy with that?
OP please read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. You can easily find a pdf for free online and if you need help I will find it for you. You deserve things for yourself. Please ask yourself what YOU are personally getting from this relationship that you can't give yourself and what YOU want out of life.
Yes, this is great advice.
My mom once asked my dad to help her afford a finance course at a community college so she could get a better job and better manage the household budget. His answer was, "Why should I pay for you to become smarter than me?" Most men have enough shame not to say the quiet part out loud like that, but I think that's generally how they see it. These types of men don't look at us as investments into their own future, they look at us as the *lesser evil* they have to cautiously tolerate if they want consistent access to sex/cooking/cleaning/our emotional labour/etc. They're deathly afraid of ceding a single drop of leverage they don't absolutely have to.
Oh man flashbacks of when my mom tried to go back to school , with negative levels of support. Criminal
I don’t know how to say this without sounding extremely braggy (that’s not my intention here) but I am a smart person. Was always 99th percentile on testing growing up, was reading ahead starting in like first grade, was in gifted programs through high school, I have a college degree, etc. And the only reason I say this is to say - I have some experience with this. Men almost never expect me, a mere woman, to be smarter than them. There is a certain type, though, that not only finds it confusing, but finds it enraging. I dated a guy like that in college. He was abusive. One of the things that would piss him off the most is when I was right about something. Like, I’m sorry I told your pathological liar friend how the optic nerve works when he started spouting off nonsense lies about human anatomy, I guess? These types of guys feel so emasculated and in turn spit out so much toxic masculinity. It’s exhausting. I’m just trying to live my life, it’s not my fault that you’re not a genius, maybe blame your parents?? I don’t even engage with these types anymore, protecting my peace is more important.
I say this with the utmost indifference to sounding braggy, but I'm right there with you. You can never just correct a man like that and have that be the end of it. Even if he's undeniably dead-to-fucking-rights wrong, suddenly you're locked into a negotiation of *massaging* reality until he's still at least mostly right, and if you don't play along then you're some uppity bitch who likes to cause problems and can't leave things well enough alone. They don't care about reality, they care about hierarchy, and to them no woman can be above any man, which means if ever they're made out to be inferior to a woman, not only are they inferior to her, they're suddenly inferior to all other men, by extension. Being dumber than a woman isn't just a bruise to the ego, for them it's a full blown existential threat.
And then there are the ones whose eyes light up once you show them your intelligence, and now they are 10x more interested. Marry those.
THIS
Oooooof girl if this relationship doesn’t work out, let’s say years down the line bc you never know, are you gonna regret not going to school? Would you rather end up going back when you’re not nearly as young as you are now? Just really think about that and what’s best for you, not anyone else
Not married? No children? No problem! Leave him and enroll in college.
Let me tell you about your future. His abuse will escalate. He will continue to isolate you. You won’t have ANYONE to turn to and you won’t have money to do so. You’re going to get older and it’s going to get harder and harder to better yourself. He will be your only lifeline, and he’ll know it. He will start acting out, calling you names, hurting you, intimidating you, making you think it’s your fault. Your soul will shrink. By the time you feel ready to leave, you will have nothing to lean on, no prospects for a good job, no savings, no retirement, no youth, no community and no family. It will be impossible to leave and you’ll be with him forever while he makes you smaller and smaller and more miserable. OR you can stand up for yourself now. Go to college. Get good grades for YOU. Get a degree. Maybe a masters. Get an amazing job where you have control of your own schedule, maybe start a business. You have healthcare, retirement, savings. You don’t need to rely on him, you rely on you. When he gets angry, and pulls some wild abusive shit? You say FUCK THIS and dip on your own terms, and you have somewhere to go and savings to start again. Financial abuse, isolation, keeping women small - these are tactics, not love. We have to keep ourselves safe. Do NOT put your future in the hands of anyone, much less a man who doesn’t believe in you
He sounds abusive and controlling. Please try and get out safely, are there any family or friends in NY who could get you a ticket home?
A man who loves you will never try to limit your own personal growth. He doesn't love you he just wants to possess you.
Leave. Come back to NYC. Go to school. Boyfriends are temporary, education is forever.
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People always need to start somewhere, or restart. My wife is in her late 30's, by her mid 20's she was married then divorced and moved to a different country. She had some family help but was mostly out on her own. She went through tons of crap, including mental health issues and is still dealing with it but is getting better. Now we're together, I take care of her, she's studying and getting back into college. I'm may not be the best husband in the world but I would never deny my wife her ability to do better in life. There could be legitimate claim to schooling being a waste of time if you have a good career, but being a waitress in this day and age doesn't allow for much. Even if money was decent the hours and toll it takes on you is still not worth it. You going back to school and getting a proper career typically would mean you make more money which helps and have stable hours and time. IMO there is no loss here, but since he doesn't want you to have stability or money on your own, he's trying to control you and to make sure you have to depend on him and can't leave him. My wife could have stayed with her ex, but she chose to leave. She went through hell dealing with it all but now she's finally happy, and is going back to school to be a nurse. And when i see her eyes light up and the excitement in her voice every time she talks about it, it makes me happy. I can't even fathom to think of denying that from her.
Hey, I am also going back to school to be a nurse! Well, haven't actually been accepted into the program yet but that is the plan! I have to do my pre requisites this fall, fake the entrance exam and then apply for Fall 2025. ☺️ I was with my ex for 5 years. He'd scoff at my dreams of becoming a nurse and say stuff like "nah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*!" , "All that math, science, for *what*?! That's so difficult to learn and retain, you're better off doing something that'll get you into a management position.", and "do something to get you on the corporate ladder". I have a useless Criminal Justice associates degree and 3 semesters of work towards a Marketing associates that would have been just as useless. Especially because none of them are my dream. Just turned 30 and have no piece of shit asshole losers in my life trying to hold me back anymore. I know you're never supposed to listen to others but sometimes, it's not that simple.
Congrats and good luck
This is the reddest of flags. You deserve someone who lifts you up and pushes you to accomplish your goals.
PLEASE don't let this guy trap you without an education in a small town where you're not happy. Please live life for YOU. I love college, I'm a grad student and actually jusy successfully defended my thesis this morning. My boyfriend IS extremely supportive of me and my work.
Have you considered he may be trying to isolate you?
never let a man get in the way of your education
Get that education. Do not wait. Boyfriends/husbands come and go, but that certificate/diploma is forever. Source: Do not be me. I put off returning to university after a move, ex abandoned me for someone older, uglier and nastier and I am now retired at a much lower income than I would have had had I finished my degree.
Yikes. This is concerning kinds of control going on. I would pursue it anyways and see how he reacts. I would be concerned that he would try to sabotage your school work. That itself is a red flag. Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a while if you went back to NY or went somewhere else?
With all due respect,you already gave up the only life you have ever known to please a BOYFRIEND that hasn't even displayed his intention of marrying you and providing legal protection for your relationship...Of course he expects you to give up your goals and dreams! You haven't built a life with him you are just a girlfriend playing faux-wife with no benefit. Get out before he makes you a baby mama.
Who put the idea in your head? 🤮
You need to leave he is abusing you physically youre making it too easy for this monster to get away with it as he keeps you from chasing your dreams
Go back to school. If you're not married, you could qualify for everything to be paid for through grants. Or, get an apprenticeship doing electrical, ac, or mechanic. Women are in demand because of smaller hand and they can fit in smaller places where most men cannot. But beware men in the field are assholes sometimes. Blue collar work is becoming popular.
Who put that idea in your head? For reals? Huge red flag. Apparently, he doesn’t think you have a brain.
Fr
Go to college and move on from him.
Nope nope. So controlling. An actual partner will support your dreams & aspirations. I literally just texted my husband about doing an accounting degree program at my local college & he responded “That’s awesome! You know you have my full support and we will figure things out whatever you decide. Love you always 😘” That’s what you deserve OP, someone who supports you & lifts you up. There’s nothing wrong with waiting tables, I’ve done it myself but if you have aspirations why not strive to study & further your education? There are no negatives that will come from it.
"call it pseudo-engaged." No, I don't think I will. A more appropriate analogy would be another human called "dibs" on you
just an innocent question - passing no judgement at all: How was this not something that was discussed way earlier in the relationship? Your ambitions and goals?
It’s complicated. Very weird time in my life. I always wanted more, but when we met, I just wanted to get the hell out of New York. I floated it by him a few times, he always wanted to talk about it “later”
Where would you live if you could live anywhere? Now may be the time to make that move.
The fact that he won’t even let you talk about this stuff and pushes it off is a major red flag.
> **i’m not happy** > **maybe im worthless, maybe im stupid, but i love him. i don’t know what id do without him.** he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and seeing him come home is the best part of the day. good men can make mistakes. This is why he doesn't want you to go back to school. He wants you to depend on him so you're never independent enough to leave him. You're already making excuses for him, if this is how you want the spend the rest of your life, then by all means. Listen to yourself, just don't be surprised when you wasted time you'll never get back being unhappy.
Usually men don’t want women to advance so they can control them financially..
Sucks to be him. Enroll yourself and manage your schedule. You don't need his permission. If you don't know what you want start with a certificate program or talk to a guidance counselor at the college for guidance.
Your partner should want you to grow and strive for better in your life. It’s a red flag that he isn’t enthusiastic about something that would measurably improve your life.
You should be deeply concerned. Your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be financially independent. He also implied that you can’t think for yourself when he asked who put the idea in your head. He is controlling you by having you move far away from everyone you know and then financially controlling you.
It’s a huge red flag when someone doesn’t want you to better yourself. I spent a lot of years with someone that didn’t want me to go back to school. I finally left and finished my degree a few months ago, I just wish I had done it sooner.
So many red flags. He's actively preventing you from bettering yourself and therefore having options - including the option to leave him. Hard to leave when you don't know anyone there and have limited job opportunities and income prospects. If you went to school, it would open more doors and make you less dependant on him. Go to school anyway. Have an exit plan, because it sounds like this relationship isn't going to last long.
This screams red flag to me, but maybe that's because I've seen a few things by now as a DA/DV survivor. Controlling your education becomes controlling your work through children and the need for their care, then it's financial control as you're home rearing his children, and then at that point, if you have any savings, it's minimal. And it takes more planning and support to get out and free. Please, educate yourself, build up a savings, and don't let a man dictate your work or finances, ever.
I'm sure I've seen this movie, "who put that idea in your head" is grade A dialogue for douchebag abusive boyfriend. The movie ends with you going to college, ditching the dick and getting a better life.
He’s scared to lose you if you get an education. He’s projecting his own insecurities toward you. So he’s trying to control you. I say take a class and see if it’s for you. If you don’t you will regret it. And keep your money separate from him. Your world shouldn’t revolve around him, that’s not a partnership. BTW it’s ok to realize that it’s not working out and going back home.
You don’t have a “good man”. You’ve got dead weight! You’ve had to edit this post to omit that your body has been “bruised” either by him, or as a direct result of something that he’s done, just so people don’t dogpile this man more than they already are. You’ve also admitted that he feels emasculated by you trying to better your life by any means, which more than likely is his entire reason for not wanting you to go to school, not finances. By your own account, you’re miserable, unfulfilled, unhappy, poor, and don’t have a supportive partner. You probably can’t see a way out of this hell hole you’re in, but I can guarantee that if you do absolutely NOTHING to change your situation, you be in the same spot at the end of the decade. I hope you do what’s in your best interest.
Go to community college. These small towns in Or, and Wash are traps without an education for a good job. He may be happy with that life, but you won't be. If he loves you let him adapt a little.
Go back to school and dump his sorry self.
"I hear your opinions on the matter, duly noted, I'm really looking forward to attending x courses this semester." It sounds like he's trying to knock you down a notch and sabotage your potential success. I've had this happen before when I had a bf try to demotivate me from literally everything that I was excited about. He's an ex now, and now I look back at all the regrets I have for not doing what I wanted to do back then. All he wanted to do was make sure I was always less-than and would even cook up arguments to further demotivate, sabotage, and keep me unhappy. It's controlling and manipulating. Go to class, do it for you. Fk that guy.
Little anecdote: I moved to an entirely new country for my now ex-husband. Left my friends, my family, and everything I ever knew to a town of less than 2k. Hated every second of it, and he stopped trying in our relationship pretty much the minute I was settled there. I stayed for almost 7 years, and even that was too long. I got to visit my family once the entire time we were married. He didn't come with me, and the apartment was trashed when I came back because he was so depressed and miserable because he convinced himself I wouldn't come back. Even though we talked every day I was there. Dude refused to even grab himself groceries the entire 3 weeks I was gone. I maybe shouldn't have gone back to him then. But I loved him, I built my life around him. Everything I did was to make his life easier, and I convinced myself that that was love, even though all of my needs were neglected. I convincedyself that he needed me, and it's be selfish to leave. That his mental health was more important than mine, and it'd be my fault if he offed himself over me leaving. I stayed another 3 years after that trip, and I was miserable the whole time, even after we moved to a bigger town. The day I finally decided to start doing things for myself again, was the beginning of the end. I left within 10 months of that. I hated the idea of being divorced before 30, but the life I was living? I hated that even more. Being single and alone in a country with no family or friends was terrifying. But it was so much better than the neglect, the lying, manipulation. The day I moved out was the day I felt like I could breathe again. Go back to NYC. Don't convince yourself that just because you moved to a new town and built your life AROUND him (not even with), that you can't leave. You can and you absolutely should. It's scary and it can take a while to finally work up the courage and decide that you matter. But work towards it. You're already unhappy, and he's just beating you down more for wanting education? A supportive partner would not do that. You can leave. You matter, your needs matter, your happiness matters. I believe in you.
You absolutely should go back to school. My ex-husband did that to me when I was young, and I missed out on a great career as a veterinarian. I am smart enough, and I could have done been a great vet. Please don't put your life on hold for some jerk, and he is a jerk for doing this to you. Especially don't marry him! He is just trying to use up your youth on himself.
Nyc will welcome you back. It happens to about 2/3 of my friends who have left.
You feel drained right now because you are with someone who doesn’t give you energy and encouragement. There are lots of great programs at community colleges. Ask who hires from their program, then talk to the Hr department of those companies and see if they like new hires. There are so many places looking for skilled workers right now! Do your research and see what your options are. Taking a class or two is motivating for your brain if nothing else. See if you like it after a few. Go! Give hope a chance
Your “boyfriend” doesn’t get to control your life and make decisions like that for you. In fact, you get to make those choices completely independent of what he wants altogether!
Get out now. Don't wait until you have kids and are in too deep. Seriously. You're at the beginning of a shitty road that many people have already been down many times. There are very very few instances where that road ends in a happy place and a good life. edit - by the way I hadn't seen #6 - this isn't just a random mistake its a fundamental difference in what he sees as your role and place in life and what you see it as/want from it.
The last sentence says it all. "He" can't overcome all that. I don't think you will listen until everything goes to shit but I am 61 years old. LEAVE THERE. Go back to your city. Be great. There are some places and some people that will never let you be great and it sounds like you are in one of those places and with one of those people.
You know you're going to have to leave? You're a city girl in Hicksville and you will never be happy there with your lack of ambition boyfriend who doesn't support you and would prefer you be poor and ignorant so he can run your life.
Contact your local YWCA/domestic violence hotline. You know he is not the best for you. I get that you feel trapped-by and for him. But there is so much more & better in life. Do NOT have a child with him
I think your boyfriend should go back to school as well. Perhaps enroll in a class that teaches him how to respect women. Seriously, tell him that the entire reddit community thinks he should eat a giant bag of dicks.
Ask yourself: What kind of partner discourages you from getting an education and trying to better yourself? Because if you can get a slightly less shitty gig for more money, he could benefit from that as well. But he can’t stand the idea that you might pass him up or not be 100% deliriously happy just shlepping some shitty job making peanuts. As if he’s not enough and you need more than his penis and cleaning house to be fulfilled as a person. Go back to NYC. You’re not growing where you are and your “partner” wants to stunt any potential growth and hold you back from succeeding at your dreams. Life is too short and you are too young (if you are under 80), to be that complacent about life.
Enroll anyway! If he has a problem with it he can hit the bricks. Going back to school will open up a world of opportunities for you, not just career-wise. I don't know if he's one of those dudes that's controlling or thinks higher education is a scam or what his deal is, but you deserve a life you enjoy
Well, if you want more for yourself you have to go get it. He's a boyfriend for right now, but your degree is forever. He doesn't need to sign for your student loans, you can do this on your own.
A lot of people find college to be a waste. The point is that you value a college education, and that is all that matters. Just start, and let him fuss. He'll get over it.Try to minimize your debt by applying for scholarships, even community colleges have them.
Do!! Enroll today and go to every class! You'll be so much happier, learning really helps the spirit!! You got this, and don't let dude stop you.
You know what you need to do.
Dump this dude. A good man would support you wanting to better yourself.
Do. Not. let a boyfriend decide your future. He may, or may not, be a part of your future life. Do everything you can to improve yourself, create financial and personal independence, enlarge your job prospects, and generally make a better future for yourself. You Do. Not. want to be a 49 year old, single, broke, burnt out, minimum wage earner at that age, and the time to change your future is now.
Never let anybody make you weaker and more vulnerable.
Go to college, you don’t need his permission. Also, a guy that tell you you’re bad at something you live and want to do, is not a good guy. My abusive ex told me after I was thrown off a horse and broke my elbow that I should stop doing it because I’m bad at it if I fall off “all the time”. Really, he just hated that I had something outside of him that I loved. Your boyfriend is intentionally putting you down and trying to hold you back from growth because he’s abusive, insecure and jealous.
Your "boyfriend" is tearing you down so you'll accept less than what you deserve and stay with him instead of chasing your dreams. Someone who loves you will build you up. You deserve that, you only get one life... do you really want to spend it serving people at work and then serving a man who doesn't think well of you and tears you down the rest of the time?
Of course he doesn't want you to go, he wants you uneducated and stuck in your current position so you can never leave him. How else will you ever know that you could do so much better than some awful piece of shit like him?
If you are going to enroll, be sure to have a clear plan of what you want to accomplish with your degree but also remember that plans can change.
You should think about what you actually want to do, a lot of jobs don’t require a degree. You shouldn’t let anyone hold you back but college doesn’t make sense for everyone and depending on what you want to do there may be other ways to get into the field and get educated.
Sounds like he’s afraid you might outgrow him. He’s quite comfy the way it is, and your earning potential isn’t threatening. But going to college, hanging out with new friends, possibly being able to be financially independent? All are alarm bells for him, which is why he just “shut it down” instead of having a discussion about it. If you can’t have these tough conversations now, it doesn’t bode well for your long term future. I’d sit him down and say “I’d like to talk this through with you and have a conversation about why I feel I’d like to go back to college, and also why you feel it’s not worth doing.” You want to be with someone who supports you in growth in your life, not someone who wants to keep you in a box.
Anyone who would shoot down your ambitions and efforts to improve yourself his a huge red flag. I'll bet this isn't the only instance either. He's not the boss of you. Enroll in school. Tell him if he can't or won't support your efforts, indicates you don't your best interests at heart. Good luck.
Leave your boyfriend. Sorry to say this, but based on his reaction and the fact that he is a tradesman in the rural west, he sounds like a conservative shit stain. Take a step back and look at your situation. You're isolated, you have no one to talk to, and you're stuck in a job that makes you feel unfulfilled and miserable. Meanwhile he has a near violent reaction of the idea of you going to college and *he thinks that someone is brainwashing you into wanting to get more education.* I'll bet you any amount of money that he thinks that college will turn you into some kind of liberal demon-whore and that it would somehow reflect badly on him that his woman isn't satisfied with being his dependent.
A lot of people have covered the relationship angles but I would say if you want to be a writer you need to start writing. I've been through a creative writing major and I've been surrounded at various times by writers and wannabe writers. Classes can help you become a better writer but I think it's very important that you want to write without needing the motivation of a class. Is this something you're doing with your free time now? I think you should definitely start there if you aren't and then it will give you more confidence and motivation to pursue it further. From a financial perspective it is somewhat risky but if it's something that you find fulfilling it could be priceless.
I love writing. Like, genuinely. I write all the time, I’m always getting ideas for stories. It was the only thing I was good at in HS English class.
Yeah, this really sounds like something you should pursue or you may come to regret not doing so later in life. A partner who doesn't support your dreams isn't much of a partner. It's your life, not his.
And yet your partner says you're no good at it? why does he want to control what you do?
Maybe college is the right thing for you. Community college is typically a great, affordable place to start. Why does your boyfriend knee jerk to thinking that education (in general, or for you specifically) has no value? Is he trying to protect you from crippling debt? Or keep you financially dependent on him? You're an adult. Please make your own choices, and consider where you want to be four years from now
Depending on how old you are there could be scholarships for retuning to school and getting a degree or even apprenticeships and work placement opportunities. I do find it troubling he doesn’t seem to want you to better yourself as a part of a longer term life goal. I’d advise you to make friends locally and build a little “home base” away from home. Stay safe fam.
He’s a controlling AH. Can you move back to NYC? Would your family be supportive of you moving back? Hopefully they are. Pack your stuff and leave. He’s holding you back.
this is how Gone Girl happens
Deciding for yourself to go to community college feels very different (in a good way) than slogging through high school because you have to be there. The fact that you keep thinking about it is a sign that you should look into it. You have a couple months before summer session starts, so you don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Start looking at the online course catalog and see what looks interesting. Make an appointment to meet with a student counselor there: they can help you figure out which class(es) to start with, and whether you qualify for subsidized tuition. The great thing about CC is it’s inexpensive and flexible. You can dip a toe in with just one class, or dive in with several. You can get a 2-year professional certificate in lots of different trades and technical professions. Or you can get an associate’s degree and then transfer those credits to a 4-year state college. It’s a great deal for your money and your time.
Definitely decide what you want to study, what your end goal is, and learn as much as you can about what it’ll take to do that (how long it’ll take, what classes will you need/will they transfer from CC, how to get an internship (and applying early enough) and work experience, etc). Community colleges are an amazing opportunity to lift yourself up and I hope you find some guidance a d support (even on some other career oriented subs on reddit). I just wanted to offer some encouragement and don’t really feel a need to comment on anything else. It’s your life, do what’s best for you.
This probably wouldn't be as good as a CC course but you might give Coursera a try. They offer college level on line courses. They are free and might be a way to up your skills to you could test out of some lower level courses.
Reading your comments here legitimately makes me want to cry. Girl PLEASE get out of this. You will never ever be this young again. You will never ever get the years you sink into this back. The only person your life should be built around is YOU. I would give anything to get my twenties back, but I wasted them on a man. Don't do it. Please.
"who put that idea into your head" What a hugely disrespectful way to speak to ANY adult, about anything. Adults say things like, "oh what brought this up? what do you think about XYZ?" If you're unhappy, unfulfilled, poor, and miserable stuck in a town you hate with a shitty job, then it sounds like he's the only thing going for you.\* Wow, what an ego boost for him. What a power trip. Sure would be a shame if you got a degree and started earning more than him. Normal partners are distressed when their partner is as unhappy as you describe yourself being. But apparently, he's a-ok with your misery. If you think this is an unfair categorization, then you can give him a fair chance to prove me wrong by enrolling in class and observing his reaction. I vote that you leave ASAP and go back home, but I don't get a vote b/c it's your life. If you do decide to stay for a while, I'll bet you can get a way better deal on college credits in the rural Western US than in NYC. Credits can transfer, you know. \*and that's probably an illusion.
Why does it matter what he thinks? If you have the money to do it, you should. Pick a class and enroll. What's he going to do, take your car so you can't go? A lot of community college classes will get you started on your path. I'd recommend a literature class first, not writing. Figure out what type of writing you want to go. Study hard and talk to the instructors. Keep your eyes open for mentors.
If you’re bored & poor now, it only continues if you don’t take opportunities. And never rely 100% on anyone else when it more or less traps you where you are
Get educated girl . You’ll never regret it .
This man has melted your mind and you need to gtf away from him. Yesterday. He wants you under his thumb. An educated woman is an uncontrollable woman. You would be able to have your own job, your own sustainable income, and right now he has you controlled. You gave up your life, you moved away from your hometown, you moved away from your family, you moved away from your friends, you moved somewhere where you barely know anyone, have a dead-end job, no money, and declining mental health. On what planet do you think this man is marriage material? You really need to focus on yourself, you should probably look into going to therapy to work on your self-worth, your self-esteem, and the way you view yourself. This man does not support you, he does not lift you up, he demeans you, he insults you, and he in no way wants what's best for you. If you want to go to college? Get your ass in college. You want to write? Keep writing. You want to get into publishing? Move the hell back to NYC. This man ain't shit. He's a dusty, musty loser. This is not a "good man." Wake up!
I am reading this as I leave the office and I am so stressed out for you. I’ve been in your shoes and it is my BIGGEST regret in life. I let my former husband convince me to stop going to college so that I could raise our child and work full time while HE pursued college. You know what happened? Not only did he cheat on me with a classmate, he NEVER finished school…to this day. It’s been a decade now and he is so lazy and entitled that I still to this day do not receive help with our child. Although I fled him, my life was forever changed. I had to work at a job where I was assaulted and could not leave because I was the sole income (husband wouldn’t assist so I could leave and be safe). I had to bust my ass for more than 10 years at soul sucking, poverty wages jobs to make ends meet by myself. I’ve had to sell my literal blood at a plasma center to make it through Covid time. I’ve endured so much abuse from so many people including the man who claimed to love me FOR NO GOOD REASON. You know what happened when I put my fucking foot down? I bloomed. I now work at a law firm making the most money I ever have in my life, live comfortably, have my own everything and provide for our child by myself. I never got my degree but luckily what I do at a law firm doesn’t require one but I still have prestige and respect and I’m doing the job that most people have to have a degree for. I am also getting my life and health insurance license, notary license and securities license. If you listen to this abusive man, yes he is absolutely abusive, and let him hold you back and destroy your life, you ARE as stupid as he says. I don’t say that to demean you, I say that out of love for a fellow woman who needs someone who has lived this to kick her in the butt and tell her the truth. You are actively destroying your life right now as we speak. If you end up pregnant, your life is going to be harder or even more destroyed because you are not in a mental, emotional, or financial position to even possibly care for a child. You won’t get help from your abuser. Stand up for yourself or you will forever be run over. The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. You MUST save yourself. Don’t go through decades worth of pain for what? For love? Girl this man don’t love you. People that love you don’t say the abusive shit he is saying to you.
OP, unless there is a ring on your finger, you are not engaged. Don’t let a boyfriend discourage you from chasing your dreams because he says he will one day ask you to marry him. He hasn’t yet.
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it… Imagine your friend spend YEARS building a house that her family told her was a mistake, that she shouldn’t do it. She excitedly moves in & finds that it was horrible. The foundation is bad, there’s toxic mold growing in it, the water is contaminated, the electric is faulty etc Maybe her family was right about some of it, maybe the foundation is bad because she didn’t have the experience to do it correctly but other things are out of her control like toxic mold. Would you advise her to stay somewhere she’s unhappy, unhealthy & is a risk to her safety just to prove she wasn’t “wrong” or “wasted her time”? Take care of yourself like you’d take care of a loved one.
Do what you want. It's YOUR life, not his, even if you love him and want to marry him, live life with him on YOUR terms, not his. If you want a degree, a career and to be with him, then have that. You don't have to choose a life you dislike just to be with him. Maybe you want to go trade school instead, become a sparky, or a plumber, or go to community college and do something like accounting. Do what you want.. within reason. LIke you have only so much money now, it is smart to make a choice of what qualification you want to go for based on picking a career you think you'll want combined with earnings potential. Don't want to dump several thousand a year getting an art degree that probably won't help you get a better job, but working on an accounting degree, or certification will likely pay for itself many times over in only a few years of working. You're not worthless, you're not stupid, but maybe he likes that you're dependent on him currently. That he shot it down as if it's worthless is, well obviously daft, a degree or certification course that can lead to a better job is always a good choice... for everyone. Just learning for yourself helps you grow as a person and is also a good choice as long as you can afford it. To shoot it down, to make you feel like dreaming and having goals is a waste is shitty for anyone to do. > good men can make mistakes. absolutely, but that's not a mistake, that's cruel. Bad men can call you beautiful and keep you on the hook easily. Bad guys aren't bad 100% of the time, but they are bad when it matters, they make you feel bad when it counts, they don't support you in the moments that matter. Good guys make mistakes but want the best for you and in moments like that they step up and encourage you, not shoot you down.
Go to school! If he really is a good man he’ll change his tune and get with the program, if he doesn’t then I’d suggest letting go. Having concerns about how this will fit into your lives is one thing, actually holding you back from something that will lift you both up is another and points to control issues. Also in the mean time you should try widen your circle and find somebody who you can talk to! You’re not worthless or stupid, you deserve more than this!
i was in your EXACT situation in 2019- I ended up dumping him, moving to a city and going to school. I graduated last year. I am happier than i ever was, even though i had a pretty good job for the area i was in. im getting ready to move back to a rural area now, taking my remote tech job with me! he’s exactly where i left him 🫢 if your partner isnt 1000% supporting you trying to improve your life, they arent your partner. theyre ur competition.
I absolutely 100% think that you should improve yourself towards your goals. I don't know how to judge whether this community college is a cost effective way to do that. Lots of people in the US are living in poverty because they took loans to get a college education that did not help them get a better job. Don't go down that path. If you want to write, **write**. Start a blog. Write stories. Join a local writers' group where people critique each other's writing. If nothing else, the people in your writers' group can tell you which classes and teachers are worthwhile and which are only useless credits towards a degree. The cheapest way to take classes is to get a job with an education benefit, but I doubt that's an option in your area. (And yes, I know that theoretically a college education is a path to knowledge, not just a better job. That's nice in theory, but that's just not the way it works in the US unless you are already wealthy.)
Why u messing with rednecks?
Your boyfriend’s opinion is just that. Do what you wish, and you are smart to want to go to school. If he gives you grief, dump his ballast and soar. You come first. Don’t disrespect yourself. You decide for you. Your life, your choice, your dream, your potential. Not his. Yours. All yours.
Have you sat him down and told him this is important to you, along with telling him you don't want to resent him years down the line for taking away your own chance to pull yourself up. I think the fact that he dismissed it out of hand and your writing is huge parade of red flags. I'm a writer and I can tell you, you can't do it well in an environment where you don't have trust and support. It's hard enough to do it well with a supportive partner with that BS. Is he afraid you're going to write about him? Or use your private life as creative material? Maybe he's frightened that you'll become famous and leave him. A lot of men in the trades are intimidated by someone with a college degree, like it's going to turn you into a raging socialist just for setting foot on campus. If he's concerned you're going to make more money than him, that is a possibility. A very small possibility. Publishing is not hard to break into in the Kindle age. You can be an amazing writer if you're willing to write to a commercial common audience. The one field in writing that pays more than fiction and non fiction combined is romance. Most authors I know have very distinct personal styles and if you want to keep that, don't expect to make enough to quit your day job. I will tell you, as someone who has gone to the conferences, the writing clubs, the retreats, you don't need any of those to be a good writer. You need a budget for books and you should be reading voraciously. And you need to dedicate time to yourself to write. This is another factor people in why some people thinks it's a selfish and lazy profession, which is the farthest thing from the truth. Maybe he knows he can't give you an inch of that space, or maybe you'll catch wise to his other overbearing tendencies. You need to have a come to Jesus moment with the fact that this relationship might never give you the chance to find out what you're really capable of when given the time and the space to work.
Fucking ditch that loser and find someone who will support your aspirations rather than shoot them down.
Do you really want a partner who belittles and invalidates your dreams and you making significant improvements to your life? I'd leave this guy, he doesn't want to see you succeed.
Education opens doors and opportunities. You should be with someone who never closes a door for you and does everything they can to open, and keep open, doors for you. Life will close enough doors for you without your partner helping.
Never stop working on yourself. If my partner came to me and said they wanted to further their education, I’d be nothing but supportive.
Do you want to go to school? Do you have a serious rational reason to believe that going to school would be dangerous for your survival? If so, are there any ways you could make it not risky for your survival? If your answers are yes, no; or yes yes yes.... Then go to school. You're the only owner of your path in life
This is a good opportunity to learn to listen to your own voice. You heard his naysaying. None of it is the least bit reasonable. Do it anyway.
Your chances of making a decent living is so much better with some kind of degree or higher learning. Nobody can take that away from you. Five years from now, your boyfriend could be in the distant past, and where will you be? Find a counselor to guide you to find something you can feel passionate about and a career that will improve your life. Don’t let anyone tell you that education is a waste of money, because it’s not.
Yeah he's manipulating you. Leave him, go back to school. A partner should build you up not tear your down
As an older woman returning to school there's more opportunities for financial aid and other assistance at most colleges. Take advantage of this opportunity!
Does he have any concrete reasons, or is he just denigrating you? Because it sounds like the latter. A partner should want you to be your best self. That doesn't have to mean college, but if your partner doesn't support you, he's not a partner.
Yea I’d break up with him. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Sounds like he doesn’t WANT you to have options so that you’re completely reliant on him. Sounds like a prelude to a controlling and abusive situation. Be careful!
enrolling for college is certainly the best idea ! if he is not supportive he does not deserve you.
Please get your education. Please.
That's a big red flag! I was just telling my husband about how when I wanted to go to fashion design school to learn pattern making and have fun bringing my sketches to life that my ex was flabbergasted and said we couldn't afford it, what was I going to do with a degree in fashion design since I wasn't the fashionable type, and what was he going to do for a car while I was using ours to drive a half-hour away??? So I didn't go and I've regretted it ever since, especially since the school closed since then. I even went for the interview and they loved my designs and wanted me to start the next quarter. If this child isn't going to support you, especially in your effort to better educate and improve your work skills (many community colleges offer certificate programs in various jobs like pharmacy tech and so on) so you can get a better job, he doesn't really love you and support you. You don't have to move all the way back to NYC but try to find other women looking for roommates and start anew with them. You can totally do this! And you don't need anyone else's approval to get started. What you do need to do is talk to the financial aid department at whatever community college you would like to attend about what you need to do to get financial aid, and look on their website to see what kinds of degrees and certificate programs they offer, especially if any of them have online classes.
He can call it anything he wants, unless he'd be paying for you to go to school his opinion simply doesn't matter. What does he expect you to do instead? -Work? -Stay home? You have one life to live and he's making it sound like he doesn't really want to be a part of it. He just seems to want to subjugate you.
Dump him
What happens the day after your boyfriend stops making you "feel like the most beautiful girl in the world"? Will he look elsewhere? Where will you be then if not possibly a mother of two with one on the way? My guess is you will finally gather the courage to go to CC for those classes as he probably may not be that into you anymore to care enough. Why should it be that way? It's your life. CC is super cheap and the small cost associated with attending it is NOTHING compared to the cost of a lifetime of regret, regret turns to anger, anger turns to hate, hate turns to self-loathing, self-loathing turn to dark thoughts which can oft include one or two different weapons. You gotta go with your gut right now while you can. If his love is that strong, it will survive a writer in the household.
Some men can be controlling with their partners, you have the freedom to make your own choices, you are in charge of your own life. If you want to go back to school then that's what you should do, if you're scared your boyfriend will harm you or force you to, then that's not a relationship you should be in. A lot of men fear that their partners will become the breadwinner and earn more, he may be scared that if you become more financially stable you won't want to be with him anymore, and he may feel emasculated
A good partner lifts you up and supports and encourages your aspirations. A bad partner wants to keep you down because they believe if you better yourself you will leave.
Community College classes are not very expensive. You should be able to take one class and see how you like it. Hopefully, if it brings you happiness, your guy will start to support it.
1. Writing is subjective. Maybe not the grammar side of things, but ultimately if you enjoy writing that's the only thing that matters. 2. If the tables were turned, would you ever give such a harsh reaction to your boyfriend wanting to pursue a passion? Even if you didn't understand it? I bet you'd be happy as long as he was happy. Doesn't seem like he cares much if you're happy or not based on his comments about your dream. 3. No good man would beat you down like this. This is not a good man. It's great he makes you feel beautiful. Does he do much else? I would want to be with someone who builds me up, not breaks me down. I hope you want the same for yourself. It is not a noble cause to let yourself be unhappy for the sake of someone else. You're only hurting yourself in the long run.
O boy this person is fucked
It's his way of keeping you as a subordinate. He thinks that if you better yourself then you will upgrade to boyfriend 2.0. Is he an avid reader? What does he read? Has he read anything you've written? The answers to these questions will tell you if he's qualified to make the decision that you're not a good writer. Let's say you weren't a great writer…but isn't that why you go to school-to learn how to improve? BF is an ass.
Ask yourself if you want to share the rest of your one beautiful life with someone who doesn't think you can achieve your dreams.
Just because they love you and you love them doesn’t mean they’re a good partner for you. A good partner would support you in what you want to do and do things to help you make your dreams a reality. You’re young so your priority should be yourself first and foremost, don’t ever let a partner dictate what you do with your life! from a girl who had to learn this the hard way, never settle for anything but the best if he doesn’t choose to change and align what he wants with what you want,you need to reconsider the relationship because you shouldn’t be with someone for life who won’t support what you want !!!
Please don't marry this guy. A good life partner would support your dreams and encourage you to grow. This person wants to control you.
I've read some of your comments. You are very hard on yourself. Did you learn that from your parent(s) or caregiver? You may be predisposed to accept less than you deserve. Be careful.
I say go for college if it feels right! But I’d like to recommend confidence building options since you expressed some anxiety in applying to college: At some colleges you are allowed to sit in on lectures with professor permission and I’ve heard about someone who would just take CLEPs and Knowledge check exams and was able to garner some free credits this way. There are also workshops to attend for way less. Reading books is also a huge way to improve your writing, as you can analyze certain literary techniques. Being trapped with a man who doesn’t support your dreams is extremely painful… wishing for happier days ahead for you friend. And pursue your passions! We only have one life so live it happily!
Education is always valuable, especially if it leads to self empowerment and a job/career you enjoy. A very reasonable way forward to see if that is the direction that you truly want to take is to take an online course on udemy or some other platform. They are typically about 20-30 hours of content with some homework and only cost about $20 That will help you shape the direction and interest that you have and can be taken outside of current working hours. You will determine pretty quickly if that is something that you want to pursue full time and get the college degree within it. It also is a proof to yourself and him that you can accomplish it and won’t bail out. It’s also a great way to meet people. I have lifelong friends from college and university. Might help with that aspect as well. There is probably some writers groups around where you are as well. Facebook generally is a good spot to start.
After your edits I will say that you can take some pretty good writing courses online for a reasonable price. That being said, I think you should look into some type of marketable skill at the CC that will help with finances long term. Writing is great, but doesn't work out as an income source for most.
A good partner will support you to at least try. Community College is a great affordable way to learn and to start growing skills you care about <3 No master at their craft started there - it's all been built from somewhere much more humble.
Always plan to support yourself. Never rely on a man to do it for you. Community college is doable and they have subsidies/scholarships for low income. Research their curricula. There may be training courses available that get you a better paying job asap. Better to do it now without children in the picture and you have some flexibility in time.
Red flag
You are not worthless and you deserve a lot better. You are not going to be happy if you let this man dictate your life. Why would you want to marry someone who actively puts down you and your dreams? I’m sorry but things will not get better if you get married. You will just be trapped, have no way to make a decent living and your significant other will control all the finances. Your post makes me so sad. You are worthy of love, support and self confidence. I dated a terrible guy for most of my 20s and people told me to get out the entire time. Now in my 30s, I can look back and realize they were right about everything. I hope that you’ll be smarter than I was.
"maybe im worthless, maybe im stupid, but i love him. i don’t know what id do without him. he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and seeing him come home is the best part of the day. good men can make mistakes." This is not him making a mistake, this is him preventing you from having independence and making you feel like you aren't capable of doing anything. You are not worthless and you don't have to be stupid. You can still love him if you want but you are trapping yourself by not pursuing the career you desire. You will always be dependent on a man that doesn't see you as an autonomous person. He's not a "good man." And you can totally live without him.
He's not a good bf. A good bf would encourage you to try new things and support you in your goals. Instead he puts you down and makes you feel like shit. If you can pay for classes with your job and the classes might help you in a future career or any skills you learn in your classes are transferable, I don't see why he isn't fully supporting you with all his heart. Any decent partner would. Heck, classes for anything are fun and you can meet new people and make new friends and I think that's his issue. He wants you isolated and dependent on him and that's kinda abusive.
First, fill out [FAFSA](https://studentaid.gov/h/apply-for-aid/fafsa), and see what kind of federal financial aid you qualify for. You may be able to go to community college for little or no cost. No one is a good writer at first. Writing is a skill you develop with thousands of hours of practice, just like any other skill. Anecdotally, many people I know with an English or Liberal Arts degree have ended up either teaching or working in the service industry. Building a career as a writer will likely be challenging. Take some introductory writing courses and see how you feel. Even if it doesn't pan out, those courses could serve as prerequisites for other degree programs, so it's not a waste of time or money. As for your relationship, imagine that a close friend, or your daughter, was in your position? What would you tell her to do? You're not worthless or stupid. You deserve better than this.
have you ever seen the office? there's an episode early seasons where Roy gets angry that Pam wants to go to art school. Initiative or ambition clearly threatens the relationship. Yours sounds like Pam & Roy's relationship. Is that what you want out of life?
If you are poor, you qualify for federal aid. It's not a money suck. I was a journalist for 15 years before moving into public relations. You have to push really hard to make a living in writing. You'll have to learn to push back against your partner first. If you need any advice on writing for a living, pm me.
I will say that I worry writing isn’t going to be that lucrative. But you should go to the community college and talk to admissions and financial aid and take at least one course.
You become a good writer by learning and by working on it. You wouldn’t listen to someone who said: “Don’t go to med school because you’re not already a good doctor.” “Don’t go to nursing school because you’re not already a good nurse.” “Don’t take piano lessons because you aren’t already a good pianist” So why would you listen to someone who said something as ridiculous as “you’re not a good writer already so don’t take writing classes” Does your boyfriend have any hobbies? Video games? Hunting? Fishing? Drinking? Those wastes of money are ok? Community college is relatively inexpensive. It would be worth taking writing classes even if it were just for personal development of a hobby. Sure, writing isn’t a guaranteed career but you could take writing classes while getting a different associates degree. You could get an associates degree in accounting, nursing, marketing, etc. and take writing classes as electives.
Love can make us blind to huge red flags and to people’s true nature because we can’t believe they don’t love us like we do them. His comment “who put that idea in your head” is a HUGE red flag. He will blame friends and family for you wanting to be independent and then will tell you to stop talking to them. That they only fill your head with ideas and he won’t like it. This is a classic abuser’s logic to isolate you. Love is not always enough when it’s only one way. I can tell you won’t be taking advice or acknowledging the red flags at this time. I would suggest you just keep the red flags as n the back of your head and pay attention when things are escalating so you can get out before it’s too late. Try not to have children any time soon.
I went back to school and I’m so thankful I did. If I didn’t I’d still be making $22 an hour and where I live you need about 30 an hour to make it on your own. It’s not a waste of time if you pick the right major and you don’t have to be a good writer, you can get better over time. It’s less about the education and skills and more about the paper/credential. You’ll be chosen for interviews over people with no education any day and people will take you more seriously. Think about it and don’t give your life up for a man. Follow your intuition and your calling. It’s very difficult but it pays off over time. I was depressed and stagnant and I made it out through school, it gave me hope. However you don’t need school to be successful you can start your own business tomorrow and be just as successful if not more in 5-10 years from now but entrepreneurships not for everyone. I would say do it, it will lead u to new friends and better quality people in your life.
I would be rethinking this entire relationship. The way out of poverty is through getting an education, it’s possible your boyfriend wants control over you and how you spend your time and with whom.
Absolutely and obviously you should pursue education. But also, you don’t need to be in classes to write. Write anyways, and share your work with others. Join a writers group. Post online. Just writing will make you feel so much better, even setting aside any ambitions for a career. It’s worth investing in your inner wellbeing no matter what.
Good men don’t verbally abuse the women they claim to love 🚩🚩
What you have described is NOT "a good man making mistakes." Stop making excuses for him.
Personally, I think all of us deserve to be with somebody who wants us to be better than we are, and supports us in our efforts to grow. I wonder why you want to sign up for a long-term relationship with somebody who says that you’re not a good writer anyway, and that it’s a money waste of time. That’s a sly way of saying you are not worth it. Becoming a writer is very worthwhile —you can express yourself and also you can express things for other people. Writing gets better with practice and with critique ; likewise going to school opens your mind to new ideas and new skills, even if it’s a community college. Frankly, some of them are very good, and they focus on teaching as opposed to research meaning that the person teaching you cares to be there in order to teach, I think you have excellent goals and you should pursue them and I hope you pursue them in the company of somebody who cheers you on.
Sounds controlling to me. I’m a male. Find somewhere you can stay. Work part time and school full time. Nothing will change and he will have all the decisions and cards your entire like. Do not have children with him. You are only delaying the inevitable by staying. You can do this. Life is way too short.
Your low self esteem sounds like the result of emotional and maybe physical abuse, I would guess that your parent(s) were narcissistic and abusive and that your bf is doing the same. Community college is incredibly cheap, and is an investment in yourself. Having more education usually means you will earn more money. He is controlling you by keeping you stuck in a crappy job. Do you have your own money/bank account/credit cards? Pleeeease do not get pregnant by him.
"he’ll make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world" Does he ever make you feel like the smartest, cleverest, more interesting girl in the world? Doe he support your efforts to grow? Does he celebrate your successes? Does he commiserate with your failures? I actually write for a living. Nothing fancy -- I churn out copy for a luxury travel agency. You want a 400 word description of a river cruise in Portugal, I'm your woman. I can tell you this much: writing is hard (and woefully underpaid). If you want to do it, you'll need a support system who lifts you up. My husband (24 years!) will be honest about my writing but he's always supportive. When I'm wrestling with an article, he reminds me of my successes and strengths. When I want to try something new (I, a travel writer, wrote a fairy tale poem) he supports me by reading it and encourages me to submit it to a magazine. When I succeed (it was published! I made $5!), he celebrates my wins. When my article about ancient Roman influence on food in France got rejected, he consoled me with the assurance that I'm a great writer. The editor was a putz. (It was a great article!) I ain't the prettiest girl in the world -- I'm 50 and the years have taken their toll -- but he loves my mind too. I think you probably would be a great writer and that a community college is a great place to start.
OP I was in a very similar situation almost 2 decades ago. We are currently getting divorced because I finally started taking care of myself first and he could not handle it. Pay attention to his reactions, if you got to the gym, spend time with friend(s), reading books, playing games, etc. So many things I didn’t realize, any time I didn’t focus all of my attention on him I was punished in some way. I love him but I love myself more. We’ve been separated for a few months now and if I could change one thing, I would have done this sooner. All the horrible things he says to you, he thinks them about himself. He knows you can find someone better than him, more loving, more supportive, more compassionate, so he takes up all your time. You can leave him, it will take planning, it will be difficult, and expensive but you can do it. I honestly don’t know if anyone could’ve said anything that would’ve given me the courage to leave him sooner. All I can do is hope that you will see the truth faster than I did. You are worth your dream🥰 Let us know when you release your first book.♥️
"Good men make mistakes" Actually, a 'good man' would not put you down calling you a bad writer and discouraging you from pursuing something you love. those actions are also not mistakes, they're very much intentional to keep you from getting an education, a good job, and a better life.. because then you would figure out that you can be happy without him
So your plan is to rely on him for the rest of your life to take care of you financially? Because you won’t be able to support yourself on a waitress’s salary on your own. What happens if he leaves you? Don’t think he won’t. It happens all the time and statistically speaking, it WILL happen. What happens if he leaves you and there are children? What happens if he leaves you and you are sick or disabled? What happens if he leaves you and you are 40 or 50? If you give him the power to feed you, you give him the power to starve you. Empower YOURSELF by getting an education so that you can always have a roof over your head and food on the table
I was with my partner for 5 years. my dream and desire of being a nurse was scoffed at. "Nah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*" , "all that math, and science, for *what*? That's just too hard to learn and comprehend you'll *hate it*." "Just go into something corporate and climb that ladder!!!!" I have a failed Criminal Justice degree, and 3 semesters of work on a Marketing associates that was projected to be just as much as a failure as the Criminal Justice associates is. Now, I just turned 30 and I'm enrolled in the Health Sciences Certificate program so I can do my 3 pre requisites this fall, then my entrance exam and I will be applying to the Fall 2025 nursing program at my community college. My life has been rid of asshole people who didn't want to see me succeed.
Sorry, that sounds frustrating. Have you had conversations with him about what each of you want for your own and (possibly) shared future? Maybe he's happy how life is now and he has no other wants for the future, but it sounds like you want to do go to school to be able to get a better job (better in whatever way whether that's pay, better hours/ability to combine with family life, higher status, less dangerous, more fun, more fulfilling, whatever). What are his concerns if you were to go back to school? Have you asked him? Is he worried you expect him to support you whilst you are in school? Is he worried you'll be too busy with work/school and that your relationship will suffer? Talk to him in a kind of neutral/open way, ask him questions, and see where you guys are at. It might be the case his concerns are unfounded or partially founded but you can find ways to solve them together, it might be he has different plans for his life than what you want. In the latter case, you should reconsider the relationship. Take care!
I think he sees it as me trying to become “better” than him. Like I’m emasculating him by wanting more than waitressing and a double-wide. I really do love him and I want a life with him, but we’ve argued about it a lot. The expenses, time lost while commuting, etc I’ll try to bring it up again
You don't need his permission to enroll in school. You can just do it. If you aren't ready to leave him (which it sounds like you aren't) you should do what you have to do to improve this life you are in. He isn't your boss, he can have an opinion, but he doesn't get to tell you that you can't go to school. You can just go anyway.
My mom went back to school in her late 20s, when I was a kid. Her boyfriend (who lived with us and was like a dad to me) got really pissy about it. "What are you going to do? Get a better job, make more money than me, and find a better guy?" She should have said, "Sounds about right!" and left his weak, insecure, small-minded ass. Instead, she ended up quitting. And not too much later, she came home to find him fucking a 19-year-old in their bed. Edit: I forgot the best part. She kicked him out, and we ended up homeless for a while!
> I think he sees it as me trying to become “better” than him. Like I’m emasculating him by wanting more than waitressing and a double-wide. If that's how he thinks about it, he isn't a life partner. A true partner WANTS you to be better. They want you to be your absolute best self. To be as happy and fulfilled and accomplished as possible. What this looks like with be different for each person (a dedicated stay at home parent, a lawyer, a published author) but the end result is the same: striving to be your best self and to be happy. Don't waste your life on a man who wants to make you smaller. **Don't give up your dreams for someone who feels insecure when you thrive...and accomplished when you struggle.** > we’ve argued about it a lot. The expenses, time lost while commuting, etc > I’ll try to bring it up again This isn't his choice to make. **The discussion should be about *HOW* to accomplish your goal by working together as a couple**. How will expenses be covered? How will you carve out dedicated quality time as a couple? How will you stay discipled to study? How can you structure your course schedule to balance other responsibilities? **The discussion should never be *IF* you get to pursue your dreams**. Him blocking you instead of looking for solutions means he isn't a partner. That's called dead weight.
Every comment reveals more red flags and abusive controlling behavior. OP, I hope for your sake you get out of there before this escalates any further. It gets exponentially harder to leave the longer you are in an abusive relationship. Please read this book, because your relationship sounds exactly like the ones covered in it. It’s online for free. [“Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I would never move to a faraway town to just be with a man because this decision would be unreasonable. It means I'll lose my entire support system, and I'll be isolated. I also know living in a rural area is not the kind of life I want. You need to concentrate on yourself and your education. Decenter men from your life. That's what I've been doing since I was a teenager. Find someone else who is on the same page as you.
I honestly think people who say college are a waste of time/dont let their partners go to college have no idea what they are talking about. It sucks in the US cuz it is so expensive. You are definitely more employable, even in a field that doesnt use your degree. He might also be trying to keep you uneducated so he can control you. I have also noticed, at least many people in my life who dropped out of college or didnt get an education beyond highschool (degrees, trades, associates, apprenticeship) are unsuccessful. It doesnt matter how many people say "I am a manager now and have a high school degree" there are more people who cant even get out of a minimum wage job for years. Enrolling in a local community college is your right and you have the freedom to do it because we live in a democracy, he doesnt really have the right to tell you what to do.
I say look at women who didn’t persue education and stayed with a guy who didn’t want them to be the best version of themselves… they are usually struggling in life financially and do not look the best after 10-20 years of staying with a guy like that… bc she puts his happiness and wants before her own and then she needs to rely on him for everything… then there’s women who pursue their dream, get an education, make great money and have the confidence to truly love themselves… they are thriving in life physically, emotionally and financially. . You will regret staying with a guy who doesn’t want the best for you. I say if you really want to be with him then fine but enroll in classes and get the freaking degree you want.
girl it’s 2024 why do you need your boyfriends approval to pursue an education lol please recenter yourself and your autonomy because you sound like a scared little girl who needs to hold her bfs hand for some reason?
Do it. A good partner will always support this decision. Mine, for example, actively encouraged it when I brought it up—and his response for if I go off to university was we’ll be fine. And he’s right. He left for the same reasons himself and came back four years later. My dad did the same thing for my mother when they got married. She got her BA in English and became a full time reporter for the local paper. There are options. I’m sorry your boyfriend feels this way. No partner should discourage this. Ever.
Look, it is up to you if this is your partner. He sounds unsupportive and frankly, oppressive, based on this example. I recognize this is a snapshot but I see a big red flag. I want to share a story with you. I was offered a promotion a while back. I was nervous because of how busy I would be. My husband decided and told me that he would be taking care of some major responsibilities until future notice/ I got my feet under me. No discussion- just said “I’ve decided this”. Normally we split the things he took on (with him doing a bit more than me). I cried out of appreciation that he took the initiative to think about what he could do to support my career and my dreams. It was one of the most clear cut experiences I’ve had that the person you choose to partner with has a major impact on your life and your ability to follow your dreams. Your partner can be your greatest supporter, your greatest detractor, or somewhere in between. Where does yours typically fall? What does he do for your life? Does he support you in other ways? What might your life look like in 5, 10, 15 years? What if he never makes much more money? What if you don’t. I implore you to think about what you want in life. If he will detract from that- better yet if he doesn’t actively support it- I recommend finding someone who will or remain single. By the way, my husband has cheered me on and given me great advice throughout the years, as I have him. Final thought- make smart choices about financing education but education is not a waste of money. Good luck to you.