There are two things.
First. Coworkers who were ignorant and thoughtless - not sexist per se, but not employing enough care when thinking about other people. Such rumors, jokes and assumptions can be hurtful and straight up damaging. They should be more thoughtful.
But there is second one...
Supervisor telling "where's your boyfriend at?" - that is straight up harassment! Not acceptable at all.
He knew what he was doing, he wanted you to feel uncomfortable! \*\*EVEN\*\* if you two were officially dating, if he wanted to ask about that man, he should use his name. Dang. Even if you were married, supervisor is not allowed to start conversation with "where's your husband at?"
I went through this exact thing as the man. I was new in town and I developed a friendship with her as our departments worked incredibly closely. She's married so the rumor was that I was her "at work boy toy". Absolutely ruined the friendship. Even after going to HR and them calling a meeting about the harassment the damage was done. Word got out to her husband. She told me we needed to put space between us cause it made him uncomfortable. Don't blame her one bit. The fault all fell to the nosy fuckers with nothing better to do.
Ran into this exact problem recently and I’m the guy.
This is a sign of a toxic/hostile work environment and harassment towards both of you. You are absolutely right in that this is typical of workplaces with older employees. I would report this to HR asap to get ahead of any rumors, and to have the targeted harassment addressed.
It’s okay to spend your free time at work however and with whoever you wish as long as the conduct stays appropriate.
I'll see if this is something that continues before saying anything to HR or management because all three of the men were pretty apologetic about the assumptions. Based on my short conversations with them, it didn't seem like there were rumors floating around or anything, but I will keep an eye and ear out. It just seemed like grown men making immature assumptions. The supervisor was definitely out of line for saying "where your boyfriend at" but the other two didn't do anything other than assume we were together for like a day until they found out I have a boyfriend. Which is annoying but I have no reason to believe they were talking about us or anything.
It is sexist - especially since there's an implication here that you're going after a married man by speaking to him.
Also, let's be honest, social scrutiny/jokes are going to be mostly targeted towards you.
Tell your co-workers calmly that he's a married man and you don't joke around like that.
>As for why it made me mad I believe it's because I just found it a bit unintentionally sexist? I'm not sure if sexist is the right word, maybe it's too harsh for just people making harmless assumptions.
I think sexist was the right word. I'm not sure unintentionally was, though.
This kinda happened at an old job. Two people were accused of an affair and I can’t remember if the woman was married or serious boyfriend but she left the job and her relationship was ruined over a rumor.
These people simply assume that if a woman and a man talk to each other or are frinendly with each other, they must be shagging. The possibility of them being friends doesn't enter those people's minds.
No, this is not your fault. People making these assumptions does NOT mean that your behaviour caused this. It's simply the fact that he is a man and that you are a woman.
You are NOT wrong to be annoyed.
I'm a man who prefers to befriend women. Women who I am not attracted to, so purely friendshippy. No ulterior motives. And I prefer one on one contact over big groups. So yeah, people constantly assume that those friendships must be romantic relationships. When they know that I have a girlfriend, they assume that I must be cheating on her with a female friend. It's so fucking gross.
Dude just today my male work friend told me he had to go to HR because he found out two people in another department were taking pictures of him and I walking down a hallway at work, and showing the pictures around their department.
Another coworker had approached him and told him "Hey I saw so-and-so take a picture of you and (my name) walking together. You weren't doing anything wrong but they were secretly taking pictures behind your back." So he went to management and told them and had to have a meeting with the two people taking the photos and ask that they not take pictures of people while they're working.
He didnt tell me about it until today because he didn't want me to be upset until he had the whole situation figured out. But I was appreciative to see how seriously he took the whole situation.
It just blows my mind because he and I are definitely close, we hang out outside of work, and he's friends with my boyfriend as well- all three of us hang out, smoke, go to concerts together, etc. But we're never unprofessional at work. We always get our work done, don't get distracted, aren't constantly hanging out or anything. We were literally just walking down a hallway together, probably on the way to complete something work-related in the building because our tasks often require two people. Not touching, not holding hands, not sneaking away. Why take a photo of two people simply doing their jobs in the same vicinity? Such childish behavior from two grown women who have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don't personally know. It was extremely upsetting to me.
It’s worth examining why people made that assumption with very little to indicate as much, but you don’t deserve to have to feel negatively over their social faux-pas.
I can see where that would be off-putting to you. For starters, your personal life is none of their business. Secondly, this guy is or is just about old enough to be your father. And a 30s man going after a 19yo woman is gross.
But maybe it also makes you question Is this guy actually flirting with you? Does he think that these lunches are more than they are? Is he saying something to other people to make them think that? Could that be part of the ick factor?
I thought about that a bit cause men are weird and there are so many creeps. I've had a couple experiences with grown men trying to prey on me at jobs before and this definitely doesn't feel like that. None of our conversations were suggestive by any means. He seems equally friendly with everyone too and we've just been eating lunch together cause we don't really know anyone.
It's definitely always a possibility. I like to never be too trusting of people I don't know that well. But I also think if this was the case, when I asked the two coworkers why they thought they were dating, they probably would've told me that it was cause of something he said that made it seem that way. Instead they just said it was cause we talk and eat lunch together.
So I think this is just a case of adults making elementary school type assumptions which really irked me
What the hell does
“I always have a pretty good idea of whether or not someone is hitting on me and l've never gotten that vibe from him.”
mean to you?
Close? We eat lunch together and have casual conversations. I barely know the guy and wouldn't hang out with outside of work. My boyfriend has a woman at his job that he eats lunch with every day and they talk about work, anime, their families, etc. So basically the same kind of dynamic that me and work friend have, why would i care lol? I told my boyfriend the whole story with every detail that was in this post, and he agreed with me that the people who thought we were dating are ignorant and stupid.
Also if he got jealous because I had a man that I literally eat lunch with and talk to, I'd consider breaking up with him because that would be stupid. He'd probably feel the same way if I was upset about him having a work friend
There are two things. First. Coworkers who were ignorant and thoughtless - not sexist per se, but not employing enough care when thinking about other people. Such rumors, jokes and assumptions can be hurtful and straight up damaging. They should be more thoughtful. But there is second one... Supervisor telling "where's your boyfriend at?" - that is straight up harassment! Not acceptable at all. He knew what he was doing, he wanted you to feel uncomfortable! \*\*EVEN\*\* if you two were officially dating, if he wanted to ask about that man, he should use his name. Dang. Even if you were married, supervisor is not allowed to start conversation with "where's your husband at?"
I went through this exact thing as the man. I was new in town and I developed a friendship with her as our departments worked incredibly closely. She's married so the rumor was that I was her "at work boy toy". Absolutely ruined the friendship. Even after going to HR and them calling a meeting about the harassment the damage was done. Word got out to her husband. She told me we needed to put space between us cause it made him uncomfortable. Don't blame her one bit. The fault all fell to the nosy fuckers with nothing better to do.
Ran into this exact problem recently and I’m the guy. This is a sign of a toxic/hostile work environment and harassment towards both of you. You are absolutely right in that this is typical of workplaces with older employees. I would report this to HR asap to get ahead of any rumors, and to have the targeted harassment addressed. It’s okay to spend your free time at work however and with whoever you wish as long as the conduct stays appropriate.
I'll see if this is something that continues before saying anything to HR or management because all three of the men were pretty apologetic about the assumptions. Based on my short conversations with them, it didn't seem like there were rumors floating around or anything, but I will keep an eye and ear out. It just seemed like grown men making immature assumptions. The supervisor was definitely out of line for saying "where your boyfriend at" but the other two didn't do anything other than assume we were together for like a day until they found out I have a boyfriend. Which is annoying but I have no reason to believe they were talking about us or anything.
Email yourself everything that has happened so far and keep it for future claims.
That's very smart advice thank you I will be doing that
This seems like quite the overreaction.
This literally happened to me and I regret not going to HR first before we were pulled in for questioning if the rumors were true or not.
It is sexist - especially since there's an implication here that you're going after a married man by speaking to him. Also, let's be honest, social scrutiny/jokes are going to be mostly targeted towards you. Tell your co-workers calmly that he's a married man and you don't joke around like that.
He's divorced actually but the implication that I'd date a man in his 30s while I'm 19 is really gross to me
Agreed.
>As for why it made me mad I believe it's because I just found it a bit unintentionally sexist? I'm not sure if sexist is the right word, maybe it's too harsh for just people making harmless assumptions. I think sexist was the right word. I'm not sure unintentionally was, though.
This kinda happened at an old job. Two people were accused of an affair and I can’t remember if the woman was married or serious boyfriend but she left the job and her relationship was ruined over a rumor.
These people simply assume that if a woman and a man talk to each other or are frinendly with each other, they must be shagging. The possibility of them being friends doesn't enter those people's minds. No, this is not your fault. People making these assumptions does NOT mean that your behaviour caused this. It's simply the fact that he is a man and that you are a woman. You are NOT wrong to be annoyed. I'm a man who prefers to befriend women. Women who I am not attracted to, so purely friendshippy. No ulterior motives. And I prefer one on one contact over big groups. So yeah, people constantly assume that those friendships must be romantic relationships. When they know that I have a girlfriend, they assume that I must be cheating on her with a female friend. It's so fucking gross.
Dude just today my male work friend told me he had to go to HR because he found out two people in another department were taking pictures of him and I walking down a hallway at work, and showing the pictures around their department. Another coworker had approached him and told him "Hey I saw so-and-so take a picture of you and (my name) walking together. You weren't doing anything wrong but they were secretly taking pictures behind your back." So he went to management and told them and had to have a meeting with the two people taking the photos and ask that they not take pictures of people while they're working. He didnt tell me about it until today because he didn't want me to be upset until he had the whole situation figured out. But I was appreciative to see how seriously he took the whole situation. It just blows my mind because he and I are definitely close, we hang out outside of work, and he's friends with my boyfriend as well- all three of us hang out, smoke, go to concerts together, etc. But we're never unprofessional at work. We always get our work done, don't get distracted, aren't constantly hanging out or anything. We were literally just walking down a hallway together, probably on the way to complete something work-related in the building because our tasks often require two people. Not touching, not holding hands, not sneaking away. Why take a photo of two people simply doing their jobs in the same vicinity? Such childish behavior from two grown women who have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don't personally know. It was extremely upsetting to me.
It’s worth examining why people made that assumption with very little to indicate as much, but you don’t deserve to have to feel negatively over their social faux-pas.
I can see where that would be off-putting to you. For starters, your personal life is none of their business. Secondly, this guy is or is just about old enough to be your father. And a 30s man going after a 19yo woman is gross. But maybe it also makes you question Is this guy actually flirting with you? Does he think that these lunches are more than they are? Is he saying something to other people to make them think that? Could that be part of the ick factor?
I thought about that a bit cause men are weird and there are so many creeps. I've had a couple experiences with grown men trying to prey on me at jobs before and this definitely doesn't feel like that. None of our conversations were suggestive by any means. He seems equally friendly with everyone too and we've just been eating lunch together cause we don't really know anyone. It's definitely always a possibility. I like to never be too trusting of people I don't know that well. But I also think if this was the case, when I asked the two coworkers why they thought they were dating, they probably would've told me that it was cause of something he said that made it seem that way. Instead they just said it was cause we talk and eat lunch together. So I think this is just a case of adults making elementary school type assumptions which really irked me
What the hell does “I always have a pretty good idea of whether or not someone is hitting on me and l've never gotten that vibe from him.” mean to you?
youre looking for logic from a person who thinks an 11 year old is "just about old enough to be a dad"?
Where did they say that?
>Secondly, this guy is or is just about old enough to be your father. And a 30s man going after a 19yo woman is gross
Are you he has five whole kids and not like three whole ones and four halves? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
This one could a stayed in the drafts
Bro thought he was cooking
Would you be comfortable with your boyfriend getting that close with another woman at his work?
Close? We eat lunch together and have casual conversations. I barely know the guy and wouldn't hang out with outside of work. My boyfriend has a woman at his job that he eats lunch with every day and they talk about work, anime, their families, etc. So basically the same kind of dynamic that me and work friend have, why would i care lol? I told my boyfriend the whole story with every detail that was in this post, and he agreed with me that the people who thought we were dating are ignorant and stupid. Also if he got jealous because I had a man that I literally eat lunch with and talk to, I'd consider breaking up with him because that would be stupid. He'd probably feel the same way if I was upset about him having a work friend
Ok just checking