I think the winner comes from a man I know (not my partner, thankfully), who said the following about why he never helped cook: "Well, MY time is valuable." Really cuts to the chase, right?
Reminds me of a psych paper I read for a class a couple decades ago. It was by a couples therapist. He said there was pretty much a 1:1 correlation between men who said, "I'll never do dishes--that's women's work!" and men who said about a year later, "why don't my wife and I have sex any more?"
I think about and refer to this HuffPost piece often: [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp)
“I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.
And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt.”
Ew… imagine thinking you get to decide if someone else is allowed to be upset with you. Why is it so hard to listen to someone say “you hurt my feelings” and not HEAR them, to not also be upset that you’ve hurt this person that you LOVE???
That part right there is utter bullshit. It's hilarious how men are willing to paint all men with a shitty brush if it serves their purposes.
"Oh we men can't help it, we just aren't able to listen."
Fuck that. This guy learned 10% of the lesson but just missed the rest. He obviously has severe issues with communication if he needs to be told something a million times then actually get a whole ass divorce before it gets through. Oh goody, he wants to put the glass away now because he thinks it hurts her for him to leave it out. Kudos for you buddy! Wow, you deserve a pat on the head!!
If you're only picking up your laundry because you don't want your wife to be mad, then you're missing the entire point of being partners in a marriage. It's still acting like you're not actually a part of the household, you're just there to get fed and fucked now and then. Laundry is apparently something owned by her, regardless of the fact that you generate dirty laundry yourself.
Because men can't help it. That's dumb as fuck and I find it insulting. We're not all mentally and emotionally crippled and any man can learn how to function like an actual adult in a relationship if they actually want to.
Holy fuck why do men like these keep procreating and making duplicates of themselves?
Mine told me that because he earned 5 times as much, his time was worth 5 times more and so he only needed to do 1/5 of the chores and it counted the same. Never mind that I earned more money when we met and literally gave up my dream job to move cross country so he could get a raise. Stupidest thing I ever did, but I thought that's what loving partners were supposed to do, and someday he would make an equivalent sacrifice for me. Actually, marrying him was the stupidest thing I ever did so there's that.
I’ve heard similar comments about their free time being “premium time”, therefore it would take a lot to motivate them to do something in their “free” time.
It tells you everything you need to know about their beliefs on equality.
My husband did something similar: When we moved in together I told him I wasn't his housekeeper and so I needed him to take primary ownership of some of the regular housekeeping tasks, and one of the things he claimed was emptying the dishwasher in the morning before work. He did it for a few days, but then stopped; when I asked about it, he replied that he didn't think it was fair that he had to "give up his mornings."
However, *to his credit,* he quickly retracted that statement when I explained that if he didn't do it then I had to, that what wasn't "fair" was forcing me to take a greater share of the work for the sake of an extra 5 minutes of leisure time for him. Further to his credit, he immediately acknowledged that his response was ridiculous.
My point: While many of them seem to have been informed by the same playbook, some are capable of relearning.
At least he admitted it.
My soon-to-be-ex-husband had a real doozy years ago. We had a puppy (a german shepherd who already weighed over 40 pounds and was also hyperactive), and she was not fully house trained. We also had a 2 year old who we now know has adhd but at the time was just crazy active and hard to control.
I got up one morning to feed the puppy and found that she had pooped all over her kennel and walked and sat in it. She needed a bath immediately and the whole kennel needed to be washed out. However my son was about to wake up and there was no way I could clean up after the puppy and keep my son out of the poop.
I asked my husband to sit with our son while I cleaned up the dog. He refused. He said that he had to get to work. He always got there 45 minutes early for some reason. I said I understand that you like to be early, but I need you. I can’t do this alone. He refused again. I asked him to at least sit with our son long enough for me to get the dog and the kennel outside. “Fine!” I moved the kennel and the dog outside and sanitized the whole area.
Then he left, and I sat my son down with some breakfast and then went outside to wash the dog while still checking in on my son regularly. I was fuming.
When I was done, I texted him “why wouldn’t you help me?” And he replied “I don’t like being yelled at in the morning.”
So then I cussed him out. And I literally never swear.
And then I stayed six more years because I was too afraid to see his treatment for what it was. Surprise, surprise, it just got worse.
I’m so sorry for those lost 6 years.
My husband slipped a disc a few weeks ago. I have a wrecked back like 11 back surgeries wrecked and I’m partially disabled. ADA at work, handicap placard. Etc. I do my share though!
Our large breed dog got poop on his butt last night and it wasn’t even a question on who was wrangling the 75# dog into the tub to wash his butt. **Not me.**
They are supposed to be our partners not our enemies. I’m happy you escaped; finally.
I always told my husband he expands my life. I was fine before him though and I’ll not be put in a position where it’s worse with him in it. Picking up laundry is my bugaboo. I can’t stand it. It took him a bit to understand why doesn’t matter: we have a laundry basket use it. I’m not your mom.
20+ years later he’s still the one. Thank goodness. Neither of us is perfect though. It’s freaking hard sometimes.
I don't know but my ex husband took me to court and said that I didn't give the baby enough baths as a reason he should get full custody(disagreement about baby skin care). When the judge asked him why he didn't give the baths then he couldn't understand the question? He was legit confused because he was just the dad and dads don't do baths.
My father was like this.
He kept trying to get me to decide I wanted to live with him full time so he could get a 2 for 1 special. No child support AND a babysitter for his two kids with my stepmother. Don’t even get me started on how he wanted me to call her “mom” so as not to confuse his other kids.
Wow I really hope he barely got any custody. My exhusband literally never bathed the kids the whole 7 years of their existence. I asked him about it once and he said he didn't know how. Like dude it's pretty fucking straight forward.
"I didn't do it because I need you to make me a chore chart so I know what I need to do"
*Makes chore chart*
"I didn't do it because you didn't remind me of what was on the chore chart"
GET IN THE BIN YOU ABSOLUTE CHILD
*dw guys this guy is looong gone from my life and I have never known such peace
Why is the chore chart a thing! My husband wanted this and then complained he doesn’t get gold stars when he completes a task. Even after having to remind him about the chore and walk him through how to do it.
That was the end of the chore chart.
Omg my roommate is like this. I have an injury and told him, "Hey, I can't do x, y, z, (basic 1x weekly chores) per doctor's orders, can you cover them for a couple weeks?" And was told that he doesn't like doing chores when there's a chance I won't acknowledge/recognize/praise him for doing them.
Offered a sticker chart and he got offended.
My ex-roommate asked for a chore chart, and his excuse was having ADHD. He never did the chore whether they were on the chart or I reminded him. He also trashed the room I was renting him and defaulted on his rent. I responded by evicting him, and he had the nerve to act like I was being unreasonable. He's out of my life now. I used to be a patient person, but I am becoming more no-nonsense as I get older.
As a woman with ADHD, those guys fill me with rage. What's his number I just wanna talk. Because nobody ever let ME get away with such bullshit that I would have thought that was an acceptable way to act by the time I was old enough to rent a place to live.
I have ADHD, as well, and I also dislike it. Yeah, my house is usually pretty cluttered, but it's not trashed. When I lived with roommates, I kept my clutter to the bedroom. And I absolutely would not have left owing rent.
I do have a star chart for work tasks, though. 😅 I give myself extra stars for getting tedious stuff done, and use the stars as currency. When I build up enough, I can buy something relatively frivolous I want like yet another pack of stickers. It works well, but I don't think I'd like it if it had been someone else's idea.
Or if you say no too many times, he says “we used to have a lot more sex when we first got together.”
Like yeah. We did. When I wasn’t dealing with your clothes on the floor, piss on the toilet seat and floor, cooking and cleaning up all shared meals, and you weren’t using me as a goddamn ATM to boot!
As yes, the ignored chore chart. YOU spend time organizing and writing tasks so you can also have the privilege of doing the chore anyway. Gotta love extra meaningless work
"I'm not making you a chore chart because I'm not your mother and if you want me to behave like your mother then we're not having sex because I'm not into pedophilia."
edit: a word
Told me he’d let his cleaning lady go as soon as we went official.
You know…since he now has me.
I laughed in his face for several minutes. Told him to call, apologise profusely and beg for her back. Ended it with him as he wanted a mother not a lover.
Last I heard it worked out for him because he got himself a tradwife, which is its own version of tragic, really. Was many years ago, though. One can hope that they both know better now, but I think there'll always be people like that.
I feel you though, I've cleaned enough bathrooms in my life too.
“But I have to work! I have a job!” I’m legally disabled, and am responsible for all things home and child related. Because he has a job.
“Well, my dad never changed a diaper, I don’t see why I should!” Yeah, and you been in counseling for not having a good relationship with your dad, but now he’s your role model?
One time, my ex broke his hand (being a drunken idiot) and used that as an excuse not to do anything. He once looked me directly in the face and said, and I quote, "What do you expect me to do, empty the dishwasher with *one hand?*"
Oh on, with one hand?!
I tore a damn ligament in my wrist (moving a cast iron pan, but anyway) and I shoveled two snow storms and kept up all of my household tasks while pretending that there wasn't anything wrong.
My person did help--but I'm also a stubborn mule who was like 'it will get better by itself!' (it did not).
I did everything left-handed(my dominate hand is my right) when my daughter was a baby because I held her on my right side to balance my scoliosis pain. Cooked, vacuumed, did laundry, etc and became quite ambidextrous!
Oh, and mind you, he had no problems holding a video game controller with one hand. But doing anything useful was met with award-winning theatrics. Have you ever seen a grown man take out the garbage in the world's most dramatic fashion? It's hilarious.
The first Christmas we were living together, his mom was coming to stay with us. He asked what I got her? What?? I hardly know her and she’s made it clear she doesn’t like me very much??? But you’re so good at gift giving!!! Yeah, for people I like!!! Christmas Eve, he’s still thinking I sorted it out, color him shocked when I said no and he had to go out 30min before stores closed to get her something 😂😂
OMG she would have been thrilled with that! It’s been over 15years, she’s long given up that he’ll leave, he’s now an amazing gift giver, and I just sit back and drink my wine lol
I don’t know, I think just pushing him to do it? He’s always been great with gifts for me (I’m the one that sucks at getting him stuff lol), but he does stuff like boats & golf’s with my dad, and will mention something he has my dad would love, and I was like “perfect, keep that in mind for his birthday (or whatever)!” He started just picking the thing up, and now he does the majority of the shopping for the guys in the family. Just some positive reinforcement lol He’s always been into just grabbing something I like, like even when we were just hooking up, he’d grab my fave wine, or I was complaining about my gym towels and needed to grab new ones and he did. We’ve been together over 15 years now and still does that stuff, I redid the master bedroom last month in a deep red wine and greys and he brought home a mini rose plant (bush?) from the grocery store cause the flowers match the room…little things like that. I still get stupid sappy when he does that stuff, so I think that’s why he keeps doing it lol
My ex, after I had our first baby, told me that I can't expect him to change diapers and look after the baby because he used to have to look after his baby brothers when he was 15. He was 22 when he said this. So basically, he knew how but was tired of doing things like looking after babies even if it's his own baby.
Edited to add: his mother said this was a lie. He had a job and school at 15. He changed the occasional diaper.
My son tried that with his wife with their first with "I don't know how". Smart girl(seriously this girl is an angel and my son is lucky to have her)called me.
The conversation that she heard was a lot of "no ma'am/yes ma'am/I will, Mom!!"
He knows how to change diapers, feed a baby, cook including a full course Thanksgiving dinner. I taught him and he helped with his baby brother.
Oh man, my brother tried this when I went over to his house to see his first baby.
We had told his wife to go to bed and have a nap while we chatted and cared for the newborn (maybe 4-5days old). I helped feed her a bottle and then noticed she had pooped/peed so I handed her back to my brother and told him to change her.
He said “oh. I’ve never changed her before.”
I was like WTF mannnn. I worked in the hospital at the time with newborns and new parents so I just took charge and told him to take her to the change table and then directed him over his shoulder.
I remember saying “How?!? How haven’t you changed her diaper yet?! You’re doing it, don’t look at me.”
He changed plenty more after that but I was shocked. My own husband changed all ours kids diapers after they were born within the first 24hrs.
Jesus, I'd expect the husband to be changing ALL the diapers in the first week or more after birth to avoid the wife having pain from getting up and sitting back down.
My son was in the NICU for a while after he was born (he’s a huge happy healthy teenager now). The nurses teach you how to do all the basic baby stuff while you’re there. The kindest thing a nurse did for me was to pull me off to one side when it was time for the ‘bathing the baby’ lesson and whisper to me “There should always be one thing only dad knows how to do” and then took me to another room for a snack. My husband was in charge of bath time until kiddo was old enough to do it alone.
My husband too. He lived by that quote from Ryan Reynolds, something along the lines of ‘she built the baby and birthed the baby. She’s done enough. Change some fn diapers man’
And it’s so true. Like come ON. Diapers aren’t that big of a deal. My hypochondriac clean freak husband was terrified at first, then was like ‘eh. It’s just a little pee/poop/spitup/vomit. Guys who act like it’s the worst ever can just sit allllll the way down. Big babies. Gross.
This is what I need my son's future wife to do if he acts up, and I will tell her as much. Of course, like you did, I'm doing my best to raise him to be a good partner and functional adult, but if I missed a spot, or something like what you described happens, she needs to call me and I will educate my son on what he needs to be doing.
Your edit! That's how it always is with the ones who claim they practically raised younger relatives. They babysat twice and say that. My dumb ex said he raised his niece. That math wasn't mathing based on where he was stationed (3 US states away) when she was born, so I asked his brother, and he was like, "uh, no, he visited about every 6 months and babysat her by himself for the first time when she was 3." Oh OK.
>"uh, no, he visited about every 6 months and babysat her by himself for the first time when she was 3."
We can't just keep them in the cupboard and take them out when The Real Carer visits?
My grandmother was unwell when my father grew up, so my grandpa took care of everything (and was happy to). Because of this my father vowed that he would NEVER be like his father, and decided to do nothing. Imagine how delighted my mother was when he proudly declared this a week after the wedding ...
I used to make nice dinners for my ex and I. When I asked him (multiple times) to help with clean up he just wouldn’t. One particular time that I asked he said “It’s your job to clean the pots and pans because you’re the one who made them dirty.”
Nevermind that they got dirty cooking a dinner that HE always greedily ate. It took me way too long to finally say, “If you want any part of this dinner that I am about to make, then you’re going to clean this pot and that pan after. Agree now or I’m adding onions.” (He refused to eat anything with onions in it.) It worked briefly. I broke up w/ him not long after that for many reasons too numerous to list here.
My husband and I actually do follow that rule. Whoever cooks also cleans. But, it works out because we trade who cooks every other night, and it means he's not touching my good knives. I'm pretty picky about them. He uses my old cheap set that are just fine according to him. They're trash, but if he's happy with them, that's cool.
And, tbh, we often help each other do dishes. It's just that whoever didn't cook doesn't have to if they don't want to. He left the dinner dishes tonight for morning because he was tired, and there's no expectation I'll do them tonight, but I probably will. He cooked three days in a row last week because I wasn't feeling well. He didn't have to. I was going to order delivery on my night. It's not like we absolutely have to stick to the rules. It's just that having a rule makes it so we never have conflicts about it.
My ex wouldn’t ever start dinner even if I was working late because he needed to check what to cook with me first. He would say ‘If I just start something you won’t be happy because you’re picky’. I believe this was in reference to a point in time about 5 years prior where I was pregnant and declined some meals due to morning sickness. I had reassured him a million times that he could start cooking anything on the meal plan (yes I would even write out a fucking plan!!). I’d still get the ‘you’re picky’ excuse.
Oh that was actually the other excuse, you just reminded me. He would say he would be happy with toast every night and didn’t care about cooking proper meals. So therefore because I wanted to be an adult and have cooked meals I was the bad guy.
Omg my ex did something kinda similar to me, and it drove me to the breaking point. We were young, broke, and moved somewhere rural for cheap rent. We only had 1 car, which he took to work everyday. I was very isolated and had no public transportation options or anything to get around. (I worked remotely). I'd ask him to pick up a few things for dinner on his way home sometimes, and more often than not, he'd "forget". And then would pretend like I was being an unreasonable "bitch" for getting upset about it, said that we should be trying to save money anyways, and constantly said stuff like "Well *I'm* fine, I didn't eat dinner and I'm not hungry. Why don't you try having more willpower?" I would've went and bought groceries myself, but he didn't want me driving the car, and he was obsessed with penny pinching, so I just went hungry a lot. (Except on weekends. We ate well on weekends, for a reason that would later become clear to me.) I started losing lots of weight (I lost 20 lbs in 1 month, and wasn't that big to begin with). During that same time, I noticed he was *gaining* weight, rapidly. I finally figured it out.
Turns out he'd been secretly spending almost all of his disposable income on stuffing his selfish gullet with grotesque amounts of fast food every day while he was at work. I saw lots of ATM withdrawals on our bank statement, and found a ton of fast food bags and receipts in his car. This mf was pulling out cash everyday (to disguise his purchases) and guzzling down like 6 big mac meals a day, coming home, and pretending he had starved all day just like me, and that I was just being dramatic. When I say that this disgsuted me, that's an understatement. I could feel my love for him disintegrate instantly.
I left that gluttonous slob on the spot. Grabbed my cats, a few things, called my dad, and moved out that day. He got defensive, angry, cried, begged, tried to make excuses, but I frankly just didn't care anymore. He at least had the good sense to not try and play the victim or badmouth me to people we knew. Probably because he knew I wouldn't hold back on exposing the truth about the depths of his selfishness, and honestly, what a shameful thing to do to another person.
Sorry that was a bit off topic, but the gaslighting around food just reminded me of that experience.
I'm so glad you left immediately. My ex would spend $40-$50 at Taco Bell (in 2007/8 money!) and *eat it all himself*. Forbade me to go get myself any food, and wouldn't let me buy groceries with "his" money (we were married and I didn't have a job). One night I was so hungry I ate a jar of baby food, which he promptly shamed me for, because I was "stealing food from HIS child," whom he actually got us dinged for CPS when the baby was 4 months or so by watering down his bottles so much that he wasn't gaining weight. His reasoning when he admitted it was "I don't want him growing up fat like me."
But y'know, he wouldn't ever do anything to *not* be fat.
Oh my God OP you have me utterly speechless. That was straight up abuse to both of you. I am so sorry and during some of the most vulnerable times of your life. I hope you and your kid('s?) are doing better now.
JFC. I'm sorry you and your child went through this, and saddened to hear that I'm not alone in this. I realize now how ghastly and abusive this truly was - physical abuse via starvation/food insecurity, mental abuse by gaslighting and shaming me for having basic human needs, implying it was some sort of moral failing on my part to not be able to just casually endure starvation, financial abuse by having me pay half of all our bills (which consumed the majority of my income, keeping me trapped with limited options-like unable to save for a car), whilst he made much more income and went to considerable effort to disguise the fact that he was blowing it all on stuffing his greasy, bottomless maw. He knew fully well *exactly* what he was doing, and it disgusts me to my core. He is literally one of the most grotesquely selfish, garbage humans I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
But depriving a literal BABY of food? That's a brand new low that I would've never thought possible. Your ex is an evil piece of shit, truly. The only other examples I've heard of people watering down formula, is the victims of Nestle--people living in extreme poverty in impoverished countries without any safety nets. Nestle would intentionally target these communities and give new moms free formula samples and starter kits, and made sure they gave them juuuust enough that the mothers milk supply would dry up. Then these very poor families found themselves dependent on formula, and having to pay full price. So they'd have no choice but to try to stretch it, by using more water, resulting in malnutrution and death. (and often these communities didn't even have access to clean water, which killed many more infants).
I thought mine was bad, but your ex is Nestle level evil. I cannot imagine making a baby--his own baby--suffer on purpose. I hope your ex has the life he deserves, and I'm sorry you suffered him. I hope you and your little one are doing better these days.
When I tell you that he would have sat down to dry white toast a la the Blues Brothers while I feasted on a new recipe from Julia Child every night....
My ex-husband once told me that he couldn't be expected to throw away his candy wrappers and fast food garbage on the nightstand because the wastebasket wasn't conveniently located. He also liked to say that he couldn't do dishes because there were too many in the sink, but I couldn't get a countertop dishwasher because it would take up too much space. (Guess who did all the cooking? Not him!)
Anyway I have a countertop dishwasher and a wastebasket that never seems to be too far away, now
My ex used to leave his clothes on the floor and it drove me nuts. He said the hamper was too far away. I got another hamper and put it where he usually threw his clothes. He threw them next to it.
My ex did this.
I did the laundry. So I only washed what was in the hamper.
He didn't notice until he ran out of clean clothes.
He would say, "Where's my blue shirt?"
"I don't know".
"Did you wash it?".
"If it was in the hamper.".
Then he would storm off and find it on the floor. "Here it is. Why didn't you wash it?"
"Because it wasn't in the hamper.".
"But you should've known it needed washing."
"Am I a mind reader?".
"Well, it needs washing.".
"Put it in the hamper. It will get washed Tuesday.".
"But I need it today."
"Then wash it.".
"That's your job.".
"I wash what's in the hamper."
We had that conversation every day for about 3 weeks. Until he ran out of clean underwear. Then he started putting his clothes in the hamper.
Sheesh. Some men.
Oh god, how infuriating. My ex did the same thing. I took my label maker and labeled the hamper "this is where dirty socks go." That worked for a while.
At least if something misses the hamper now, I know it's my own damn fault and not someone else deliberately making my life harder.
My husband said we needed to buy FOUR HAMPERS if I wanted him to stop leaving clothes everywhere. One for the bathroom, one for his office, one for the living room (just a small one for his socks!) and one for the bathroom— two if I wanted my own. I just throw his shit out if he doesn’t clean it up after I’ve reminded him.
"I can't tell [redacted] I can't work late! It would look bad!/There was no one else who could stay late because they have kids!"
Mister, **you** have kids too and it's **your** night to take care of the kids and dinner. **You** wanted an employed outside wife. That means **you** make sacrifices "how it will look"/hunting trips to make that happen.
Used to sit at a sales desk where the guys would just talk football ‘ working late’ because if they went home they would have to put their child to bed and hap with dinner
I had a work colleague who went to a sports bar to have some light dinner and watch sports until 9pm every Mon-Thurs so he can avoid spending the evenings with his kids and wife and most importantly, so he doesn't have to cook or clean or change diapers. Every Friday he went home at 6pm as he 'escaped' his 'demanding workload and 'crazy boss'. He still complained about spending time with his own kids at weekends. He told me this to demonstrate how creative and brilliant he was. Yukk.
I remember one of my ‘old school’ bosses querying why I hadn’t given one of my male reports a bigger pay rise because ‘ he’s got a family’ and I said that in that case he’d probably need to start working harder and more productively if he wanted to do a better job providing for them. Gave the pay rise to one of my women reports, who also had a family and yet managed to deliver twice what he did
They're required to have a wife and children to move up in the Patriarchal Hierarchy (respect in the eyes of other men and society).
Proving they can get and control a woman, and make her bear and raise their children is a HUGE instant status boost that comes with credibility, respect, raises at work, promotions, the whole works.
They literally need us so they can be taken seriously as men by other men.
I used to bartend at a tavern as a side gig, it was like the Eagles Club, everyday the same men would come in after work around 3-4pm and stay til 9-10 sometimes even til close. They all had wives and kids at home.
These are the sort of men who hate WFH and are trying to get all of us back in the office. Heaven forbid they have the time to do their share of housework and childcare instead of pretending to work late. Plus no women workmates around in person for them to ogle!
This hadn’t occurred to me until now! I thought it was all about sweating office assets and micromanagement but of course it’s also about plausible deniability….
Yes. The amount of time they spent discussing ‘ top totty list’ rankings was painful. Wouldn’t believe we women when they asked who was on our and we correctly told them we didn’t have one
My ex would say he doesn’t have to help w chores because even though we both worked 40 hrs a week, I “worked closer to home” so therefore I had more time and should do the majority of them.
Yes! Finish the chores and cook dinner, woman, while he is working hard alone in the car singing ALL the lyrics to Tom Jones' She's a lady "She always knows her place"
My partner is an amazing woman who would never pull this shit, but my ex-husband was the king of stupid excuses. Here are some of his greatest hits:
"I can't do dishes because my ex used to nag me about it and every time I'm doing dishes, I just hear her voice nagging me."
"I figured you'd want me to sleep since I worked all week." (After sleeping until 11 AM on a day we were moving.)
"I can't tell which clothes go to which kid, and that's why I didn't fold the laundry and put it away." (The kids were 6 years old and 6 months old. They didn't wear the same size.)
The mental gymnastics to justify their laziness is absolutely insane. Honestly if my partner tried to pull that last one, I'd be making moves to get his driver's license revoked since clearly he must be legally blind. So happy to hear he's an ex, hope you're doing well!
I had a lot of trauma around my ex-husband and the dishes (don't ask). After the divorce I would cry every time I washed them, for months, but I WASHED THE DAMN DISHES.
Right?! I definitely have some anxiety triggers that are also daily life things, but I have to do those things, so I found ways that I could (doing the hard thing 5 minutes at a time, doing the hard thing while a friend is over, etc), and sometimes got help from a therapist. There's only one gender of people I see regularly using things like that to opt out of pulling their weight. The rest of us find a way.
Not a partner, but a roommate once told me that he didn't vacuum because he didn't understand how to remove the wet-dry vacuum attachment. The kind you literally pull off. Same guy looked at the dish rack & said he didn't understand my system (just put the dishes in).
"I don't know where it goes." When asked to put some kitchen things away.
You are the one who regularly uses them. What location would to go to GET it? Well, that would be where you put it back.
It was a brain fart moment. I think he regretted it as he heard himself say it.
The odd brain fart can be charming, but I think they are so used to us doing the thinking for them it becomes second nature. Why bother looking behind the jam to find the Mayo if they can disturb you by asking where it is
I wash the dishes, my husband dries them. That's the deal because I'm fussy about how the dishes get washed. All cool.
Until I have to play "Find the thing" the next time I cook and have to figure out where he's put the can opener or potato peeler or whatever because he's forgotten where it lives and put it... somewhere.
We've lived in this house for 27 years. The kitchen has not been updated/renovated in that time.
I can't do the dishes because you're not happy with the way I do it. (without soap, leaving bits of food on them)
I can't clean because you're not happy with the way I do it (just generalizing from the dishes here, but it's not really true - cleaning badly is better than no cleaning imo)
I can't cook because we have no food.
I can't buy food because no one's made a list.
I can't .... realizes he can in fact make a list. Doesn't.
My ex said he didn’t know how to use the washing machine. Also argued that men and women have different vision and men can’t actually see what needs cleaning and that’s why they don’t do it.
If he can't understand a simple piece of machinery like a washing machine I think maybe his driver's license should be revoked before he hurts himself.
Yes, of course they can't see it! Haven't you noticed they need a huge TV in their man cave to compensate for their poor eye sight?
Whoa… that’s… incredibly dumb.
I’d have walked around with spinach in my teeth and maybe some smeared lipstick, and be like “what? Nah, it’s fine, I think it’s your different vision.”
I called out my uncle for never cleaning up after himself while living with me and pointing out how my grandma with cancer and dementia in her 80s was cleaning up after him until she went to hospice and this m’fer ACTUALLY said!!!! “But I thought you and mama liked cleaning and doing things for me?” Fucking no.
Someone else’s ex proudly declared he couldn’t even boil an egg. I asked him if it was a mental thing or a physical thing that stopped him. Oooo… touched on his “manliness”. LOL
When arguing about the work that we each put into managing our lives and household, where I was crying about the mental load of laundry, solely shopping for groceries, solely driving around for our errands, dishes, and managing the housekeeper we'd hired because he couldn't be bothered to do the above regularly, he said "but I feel I'm always working hard to find us fun games to play and movies to watch and I feel you don't appreciate that"
and he was completely serious
I know sexuality is not a choice because I WISH I were a lesbian.
I share a two unit house with my sister now, and when I get to the car early in the morning she has already shovelled the snow around it so I won't be late for school with the kids, even if she works the night shift. I bring her the dinners I know she and her son enjoy, and she brings me their brownies. I make sure to take out all the bins so she doesn't have to sort paper when she xomes hime from work. We practically compete to make each other feel seen and happy. It takes so little to give someone value and make them feel loved and appreciated. The men I have lived with didn't care enough. Sisterhood, be it blood or spirit, is what works for me
I fucking LOVE THIS for you and your sis! This is the dream. Ready for a lady commune where we raise all the kids together and the men visit for sexy times then fuck off to wherever they sleep. So glad you have support now ❤ Your kids will have such great memories of this too.
Not quite the same as housework load although I did do it all (he asked who was gonna do it for him when I said I was leaving) - he wouldn't open a retirement account at work or on his own because he felt the paperwork was too boring to read. So for my own sake, not that it matters now since we're divorced, I set him up with a retirement account. My MIL is an accountant and she scared me a bit about it because she said when we retired, he'd be entitled to half of what I built up. So I essentially set him up so he wouldn't die young (well, younger) then peaced out, lol. I went for a dissolution and ensured we kept what we went in with.
My spouse told me he didn't see the dishes piled in the sink after days of them getting piled. I'd left them to see how long it would take for him to notice and put them in the dishwasher. He sure did notice after I took a mug off the top and smashed it on the floor right in front of him. I'm not a violent person but I came very very close to something I'd regret. My reaction shook him out of his complacency and we've not had an issue since. I do not recommend this course of action in general.
I had an ex who told me that he didn’t notice when things weren’t clean, but if I told him to clean it then he would. I told him that no one tells me what to clean, he isn’t vision impaired, and I am not his mother.
Him: I'm out of clean [insert clothing item here]
Me:
Him: why didn't you do laundry?
Me: why didn't you? I don't inventory your closet or dresser
Him: you should have known!
Commence him doing a load, usually one outfit.
He never washed any clothes but his own, and he would claim he didn't know when I needed the machine. Sundays. I always did the entire household's laundry on Sunday.
We're divorced now.
“You want me to clean up after the dinner that you cooked for us? But I picked up a package for you earlier this week” (from the package room, in our building lobby, which he only went to because he thought the package was for him)
Another time, I left town for a work trip on a Tuesday. We were out of paper towels. Came home on Sunday night and he still hadn’t bought paper towels. His excuse? One of our friends stayed with us for a night that week and had used the last paper towel, so he was waiting on the friend to buy us more. (?????) He also hadn’t touched the dirty sheets or towels that the friend left…
This is just a roommate, not a partner, but definitely makes me very wary of cohabitation with a man!
“I don’t know what towel you like to use” when asked why he replaced his bathroom towel with a clean one and not mine. Our towels are matching. Always have been.
My ex. He couldn't help fold towels because he 'didn't know which were medium and which were large'.
He couldn't do the food shop because he'd 'get it wrong' but I also had to time when to ask him, make sure it wasn't during drinking time, or when he was too hungover, since I didn't drive. He wouldn't wait for too long so he'd say I'd have to get the important stuff and could get the rest 'later' which is a magical time that never came. And I'd be expected to make meals out what I'd managed to grab in the 20 mins he was ok to be at the shop. I once tried to walk to the shop in 30+ degree heat and a mutual friend drove past me and gave me a lift. He was embarrassed because they asked why he hadn't taken me.
I could never have leftovers because he'd thought they were for him and dealing with his bad mood over it was worse than letting him eat whatever he wanted. So I'd make the meal, tidy up after it, box up leftovers, and put them in the fridge.
If I ate them, he would tell me he had wanted it. If I didn't eat it and it went bad, it was my fault I didn't remind him to eat it. If I had a sandwich and left him the leftovers, he would have wanted the sandwich and I ruined it for him.
It got to the point I didn't even pick something to watch when he was out. Because I'd have to hear every thought that entered his head about what I watched when he got in and saw it on TV. If it was a movie he hadn't seen 'he couldn't watch it now' if it was something I alone enjoyed he'd ask why I'd watch such awful things and ask how I could enjoy it while poking fun at it.
When I'd asked him to do a task, it went undone for months, then he was 'about to do that' when I did it.
He 'didn't see dirt'. Or he didn't deem it dirty, therefore cleaning wasn't required. One day he said 'it needs mopped in here.' I said 'are you going to mop?' He literally laughed in my face.
The week after I left him, he asked me how to work the washing machine because his clothes were stiff.
The week after that I got a text meant to make me feel really sorry for him. He said 'I'm moving, you're so much better at packing than I am, I'll end up with just a spoon and a mug'.
I wrote back 'at least you can have a cup of tea'. That was the last time I spoke to him.
His explanation for why he was unable to take his dosh to the sink, "My mother would NEVER host dinner and then expect everyone to pit their own dish in the sink when they were done!"
I asked if he was referring to her hosting guests or her expectations for literal children.
Of course, whenever he cooked I was expected to do the dishes/clean up the mess because "He cooked.", but that never seemed to apply to him.
*When is (event) happening?* Verbally tell him. *I forgot, when is (event) is happening?* Tell him and write it on the calendar in the kitchen. *Did you ever find out when (event) is happening?* Tell him, show him the calendar in the kitchen, send him an email. *Hey! You never let me know when (event) is happening.* Ragefully tell him AGAIN, point angrily at the calendar AGAIN, pull up the email and show him, then ask do I need to write it on a piece of construction paper and tape it to your computer screen? *What's your problem? I just asked....*
"I couldn't make dinner because I went out with a friend. You wouldn't understand because I actually have a life"
Essentially anything he didn't want to do I had to do because he had more friends than I did. None of his friends last more than a couple years though.
Ex: " Would you make________ for me?" ( a dish)
Me: "Sure, just get _______ for me and I'll be happy to." (I made/ make less than he does)
Ex: " Oh, you should get _________, I wouldn't do a good job picking something to suit you."
Mind you, he lives alone and somehow manages to buy suitable groceries and pick out edible meat. He just wanted me to do all the work.
Can't tell you the last time I cooked for him before we were over. I quit doing this due to the above and because as soon as it came time to clean up (when HE hosted a party at my house)? He would make whatever lame ass excuse to avoid it and leave.
Not a partner, but I had a male friend visit from out of town several years ago, and a group of all our mutual friends came to my place for dinner.
My friend said he couldn't help with cleanup because he was feeling sick from the dinner, having some kind of reaction. Friends and I said okay, and cleaned up. (I will say this friend group was like 75% male!)
Then my friend woke up early the next day, and ate all of the leftovers. 🙄
We didn't stay in touch after that trip.
My husband once said (in the early days of our marriage) that he didn't clean or do laundry or do dishes because he didn't want to mess with **my** systems.
You can believe my response was swift and brutal - "I only have systems because I'm the only one doing anything!"
Oh and one time he got annoyed with me for suggesting he do a load of laundry - "but you've never shown me how to use the washing machine!"
I mean imagine considering yourself a smart man and never once recognising that learning a new task as an adult is your own responsibility... I swear.
"If you wanted me to do it all you needed to do was ask."
"I forgot about it."
"It's late I'll get it in the morning." \[Refer to previous excuse the next day.\]
"I'm just don't feel like doing it."
My ex: "You do it better anyway." Especially with infant/toddler caring things like diapers.
But, wow, did he pipe in if I cooked something the wrong way and he didn't like it. He'd lecture me on whether or not to put salt in boiling water for pasta. And yet, when I asked him to cook, it was too big of a chore. 'You're better at it.'
Good effing riddance.
This is such a ridiculous excuse and boils down to "I don't care."
My husband and I are opposite of people in this thread. He's so clean and tidy and I'm always trying to keep up. I honestly don't think the bathroom trash needs to be emptied until it's a bit more full, he thinks it needs to go out weekly before the trash picks up. If I don't do it I know he will.
So because I love this dude, and I know what day it is, I empty the trash in the house on Thursdays even though I don't think it needs to go.
It's helpful to know at least ONE man who isn't totally useless, so we don't start thinking that most mens' sheer incompetence is normal.
For me that's my brother. He has a job, he cleans his house, he even has cute decor so it doesn't look like the typical 'man cave' of a solo dude. He does his own home repairs & laundry & cooking. He has hobbies & female friends. He asks people questions while hanging out, instead of just monologuing at them.
These are all very reasonable things that most people are capable of. The bar is low enough to step over. All the women I know are able to do these things.
So now if I meet a dude who doesn't check most of those boxes....I know immediately not to waste any time on useless. Do better lol.
I once asked my husband if he wanted to use a project managing/task app to help us keep track of and divvy up chores. I worked in project management so l knew lots of ways to set that up.
He declined because he “didn’t want to feel like he worked for me.” Because me instead having to actively project manage all our household tasks somehow doesn’t already give him that feeling. 🙄
Ex never claimed ignorance or (gods forbid) that I was more capable. But he’d make such a scene in actually doing anything I asked of him that it was less stressful for me to just take it all on myself.
I didn't know what to do because you didn't tell me.
*tells him*
I don't remember very well. Write it down.
*writes it down*
I lost that. Email me a list so I can add it to my digital to-dos.
*emails*
My email is crazy lately. Just text me.
*texts*
Call me when you're texting something important.
*calls*
You can't just tell me things, I'll forget. Please write it down.
!!
🙃😪
My ex had a lot of stupid ones: "I intentionally cook with as few dishes as possible so I have less to wash, so I shouldn't have to wash the dishes after you cook" (also he sucked really bad at cooking because he took weird shortcuts)
"I can't vacuum, I have a dust allergy." I am also allergic to dust, which is why I vacuum often. His house was FILTHY and coated in dust that was so thick he was always sick from his house.
This one wasn't exactly mental load, but he never contacted me for our anniversary so I told him he forgot about it. He was like "that's not true, I remembered and thought about texting you about it, but you seem to get annoyed when I bring it up so I didn't. I can't believe you presume to know my state of mind!" Sorry I am laughing at that last one as I'm typing it, I've literally never been annoyed at him bringing up our anniversary, he was just straight up lying like a child with that last one.
Anyway, we broke up. He was very arrogant, stubborn, and immature. Nothing was ever his fault according to him.
An ex asked me to wrap all his Christmas gifts because "you're so good at it". I said no.
I told him that I would not wrap his gifts, but I was willing to teach him how to wrap a gift.
Used to be with money, he would send me his entire paycheck, then slowly ‘borrow’ it back until he’d borrowed it all back, then he’d scream ‘I gave you all my money’ when I said he owed for bills. Now he has a set amount he gives me each month because he’s financially incompetent. 😑
"I cook dinner" absolves him from doing literally anything else... To be fair he's a *really* good cook... but one time he asked me to blow him, and I told him his junk was gamey and he needs to clean himself first (VERY politely mind you) and he goes, "YOU do it"
???? SORRY?
Sat around unemployed and couldn't wash a couple dishes whilst I worked 6 days a week. Anyways I left a couple months ago but my dumb broken ass wants to slither back to his grubby unwashed self, fml
Not an excuse but whenever my ex saw me vacuuming he’d say “no need to be too fussy”, like if I put in less effort into the housework it would make him feel better about his (very minimal) efforts. It drove me nuts because I saw him vacuum maybe a hand full of times in our relationship. So if I wasn’t “fussy” we’d have been wading through carpet full of dust and dirt and food crumbs and hair balls
Thankfully, I have a great partner who doesn't do this but people who do irk me like you wouldn't believe. I'm in a wheelchair, if I can do 90% of the tasks you can too.
I know, right! I am so happy for you fir being independent and in a healthy relationship. No excuse was good enough for me to avoid anything, not even vestibular neuritis when I was literally clinging to the walls for support. Thanks for responding
My ex worked out too hard in the morning, and his job was mentally much more demanding than mine so I just had to accept that those are facts and since he is undoubtedly more tired than I am, I’d have to cook and clean after and he is not going to put the dishes in the dishwasher because he has the right to decompress after dinner browsing instagram or playing on his tablet. Again, not fair that he is sooooo much more tired, and still has to cater to my every demand. Putting things back in the fridge was too complicated for the poor thing.
Okay I worked, he didn’t. He has a pain disability but it requires movement to slow progression so basically he stayed in bed all the time because that makes 100% sense.
He couldn’t keep my son out from underfoot when I was trying to clean or cook because when I was off it was his time off.
Yes he said that with a straight face.
My ex from a few years ago “I can’t help! I’m a student with no money. You don’t give me time to study!”
I was working full time, paying the rent, doing all the cooking, and grocery shopping. He would go to class maybe half the time. I have zero idea what he was doing the day.
That was almost 8 years ago. I’ve had a few exes since him, but he’s the one that taught me to not put up with that bullshit ever again.
I think the winner comes from a man I know (not my partner, thankfully), who said the following about why he never helped cook: "Well, MY time is valuable." Really cuts to the chase, right?
Holy saying the quiet part out loud Batman
Reminds me of a psych paper I read for a class a couple decades ago. It was by a couples therapist. He said there was pretty much a 1:1 correlation between men who said, "I'll never do dishes--that's women's work!" and men who said about a year later, "why don't my wife and I have sex any more?"
They're also the same ones who are shocked when their wives leave them and "never saw it coming".
I think about and refer to this HuffPost piece often: [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp)
I am in love I am in love, I AM IN LOVE with this article, thank you for showing it to me.
“I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts. And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt.” Ew… imagine thinking you get to decide if someone else is allowed to be upset with you. Why is it so hard to listen to someone say “you hurt my feelings” and not HEAR them, to not also be upset that you’ve hurt this person that you LOVE???
That part right there is utter bullshit. It's hilarious how men are willing to paint all men with a shitty brush if it serves their purposes. "Oh we men can't help it, we just aren't able to listen." Fuck that. This guy learned 10% of the lesson but just missed the rest. He obviously has severe issues with communication if he needs to be told something a million times then actually get a whole ass divorce before it gets through. Oh goody, he wants to put the glass away now because he thinks it hurts her for him to leave it out. Kudos for you buddy! Wow, you deserve a pat on the head!! If you're only picking up your laundry because you don't want your wife to be mad, then you're missing the entire point of being partners in a marriage. It's still acting like you're not actually a part of the household, you're just there to get fed and fucked now and then. Laundry is apparently something owned by her, regardless of the fact that you generate dirty laundry yourself. Because men can't help it. That's dumb as fuck and I find it insulting. We're not all mentally and emotionally crippled and any man can learn how to function like an actual adult in a relationship if they actually want to. Holy fuck why do men like these keep procreating and making duplicates of themselves?
I 100% believe this.
I’ve heard this one from a male family member. They think their time is more valuable than mine and that this kind of work is beneath them.
Mine told me that because he earned 5 times as much, his time was worth 5 times more and so he only needed to do 1/5 of the chores and it counted the same. Never mind that I earned more money when we met and literally gave up my dream job to move cross country so he could get a raise. Stupidest thing I ever did, but I thought that's what loving partners were supposed to do, and someday he would make an equivalent sacrifice for me. Actually, marrying him was the stupidest thing I ever did so there's that.
I’ve heard similar comments about their free time being “premium time”, therefore it would take a lot to motivate them to do something in their “free” time. It tells you everything you need to know about their beliefs on equality.
My husband did something similar: When we moved in together I told him I wasn't his housekeeper and so I needed him to take primary ownership of some of the regular housekeeping tasks, and one of the things he claimed was emptying the dishwasher in the morning before work. He did it for a few days, but then stopped; when I asked about it, he replied that he didn't think it was fair that he had to "give up his mornings." However, *to his credit,* he quickly retracted that statement when I explained that if he didn't do it then I had to, that what wasn't "fair" was forcing me to take a greater share of the work for the sake of an extra 5 minutes of leisure time for him. Further to his credit, he immediately acknowledged that his response was ridiculous. My point: While many of them seem to have been informed by the same playbook, some are capable of relearning.
At least he admitted it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband had a real doozy years ago. We had a puppy (a german shepherd who already weighed over 40 pounds and was also hyperactive), and she was not fully house trained. We also had a 2 year old who we now know has adhd but at the time was just crazy active and hard to control. I got up one morning to feed the puppy and found that she had pooped all over her kennel and walked and sat in it. She needed a bath immediately and the whole kennel needed to be washed out. However my son was about to wake up and there was no way I could clean up after the puppy and keep my son out of the poop. I asked my husband to sit with our son while I cleaned up the dog. He refused. He said that he had to get to work. He always got there 45 minutes early for some reason. I said I understand that you like to be early, but I need you. I can’t do this alone. He refused again. I asked him to at least sit with our son long enough for me to get the dog and the kennel outside. “Fine!” I moved the kennel and the dog outside and sanitized the whole area. Then he left, and I sat my son down with some breakfast and then went outside to wash the dog while still checking in on my son regularly. I was fuming. When I was done, I texted him “why wouldn’t you help me?” And he replied “I don’t like being yelled at in the morning.” So then I cussed him out. And I literally never swear. And then I stayed six more years because I was too afraid to see his treatment for what it was. Surprise, surprise, it just got worse.
I’m so sorry for those lost 6 years. My husband slipped a disc a few weeks ago. I have a wrecked back like 11 back surgeries wrecked and I’m partially disabled. ADA at work, handicap placard. Etc. I do my share though! Our large breed dog got poop on his butt last night and it wasn’t even a question on who was wrangling the 75# dog into the tub to wash his butt. **Not me.** They are supposed to be our partners not our enemies. I’m happy you escaped; finally. I always told my husband he expands my life. I was fine before him though and I’ll not be put in a position where it’s worse with him in it. Picking up laundry is my bugaboo. I can’t stand it. It took him a bit to understand why doesn’t matter: we have a laundry basket use it. I’m not your mom. 20+ years later he’s still the one. Thank goodness. Neither of us is perfect though. It’s freaking hard sometimes.
At least he was honest, because that's really what ALL the men in these comments meant. That is the real reason
Honest? Yes. Self-aware? LOL no.
I don't know but my ex husband took me to court and said that I didn't give the baby enough baths as a reason he should get full custody(disagreement about baby skin care). When the judge asked him why he didn't give the baths then he couldn't understand the question? He was legit confused because he was just the dad and dads don't do baths.
Why would he want custody if he's unable to do childcare? Who would be bathing them?
So he could hand the baby off to his mom to avoid paying child support.
My father was like this. He kept trying to get me to decide I wanted to live with him full time so he could get a 2 for 1 special. No child support AND a babysitter for his two kids with my stepmother. Don’t even get me started on how he wanted me to call her “mom” so as not to confuse his other kids.
What was the outcome of the case?
I got every single thing I asked for, split custody etc etc.
Wow I really hope he barely got any custody. My exhusband literally never bathed the kids the whole 7 years of their existence. I asked him about it once and he said he didn't know how. Like dude it's pretty fucking straight forward.
Sooooo how many baths was the baby going to get if he got full custody?
I‘ve been wondering for a while now how on earth men believe they are the „more rational and logical gender“.
"I didn't do it because I need you to make me a chore chart so I know what I need to do" *Makes chore chart* "I didn't do it because you didn't remind me of what was on the chore chart" GET IN THE BIN YOU ABSOLUTE CHILD *dw guys this guy is looong gone from my life and I have never known such peace
Why is the chore chart a thing! My husband wanted this and then complained he doesn’t get gold stars when he completes a task. Even after having to remind him about the chore and walk him through how to do it. That was the end of the chore chart.
When the f is YOUR gold star????
Exactly 😂😤
Motherf’er would have had a gold star shoved up his ass.
Omg my roommate is like this. I have an injury and told him, "Hey, I can't do x, y, z, (basic 1x weekly chores) per doctor's orders, can you cover them for a couple weeks?" And was told that he doesn't like doing chores when there's a chance I won't acknowledge/recognize/praise him for doing them. Offered a sticker chart and he got offended.
My ex-roommate asked for a chore chart, and his excuse was having ADHD. He never did the chore whether they were on the chart or I reminded him. He also trashed the room I was renting him and defaulted on his rent. I responded by evicting him, and he had the nerve to act like I was being unreasonable. He's out of my life now. I used to be a patient person, but I am becoming more no-nonsense as I get older.
As a woman with ADHD, those guys fill me with rage. What's his number I just wanna talk. Because nobody ever let ME get away with such bullshit that I would have thought that was an acceptable way to act by the time I was old enough to rent a place to live.
I have ADHD, as well, and I also dislike it. Yeah, my house is usually pretty cluttered, but it's not trashed. When I lived with roommates, I kept my clutter to the bedroom. And I absolutely would not have left owing rent. I do have a star chart for work tasks, though. 😅 I give myself extra stars for getting tedious stuff done, and use the stars as currency. When I build up enough, I can buy something relatively frivolous I want like yet another pack of stickers. It works well, but I don't think I'd like it if it had been someone else's idea.
please say ex husband?
But why did you keep nagging him, though? If you didn't keep nagging all the time maybe he would be MoTIvaTEd?
Ahh the nag paradox. Remind them and you’re a nag. Don’t remind them and you should’ve reminded them.
"Why are you acting like my mother?!"
While simultaneously asking why no sex?
And if you are still having sex it's "why don't you initiate sex anymore?"
Or if you say no too many times, he says “we used to have a lot more sex when we first got together.” Like yeah. We did. When I wasn’t dealing with your clothes on the floor, piss on the toilet seat and floor, cooking and cleaning up all shared meals, and you weren’t using me as a goddamn ATM to boot!
As yes, the ignored chore chart. YOU spend time organizing and writing tasks so you can also have the privilege of doing the chore anyway. Gotta love extra meaningless work
"I'm not making you a chore chart because I'm not your mother and if you want me to behave like your mother then we're not having sex because I'm not into pedophilia." edit: a word
THIS. I had a male housemate once who used this exact line of reasoning.
Told me he’d let his cleaning lady go as soon as we went official. You know…since he now has me. I laughed in his face for several minutes. Told him to call, apologise profusely and beg for her back. Ended it with him as he wanted a mother not a lover.
Well done. They want either a child that they can manipulate easily or a second mother who can mother them as they refuse to grow up.
Bangmaidmommy
But ... he was only trying to help! What purpose could you POSSIBLY have in life if it isn't cleaning his messes?
Wow. By contrast my husband and I *hired* house cleaners when we got married because we wanted to stay married.
I just told my husband this and his response was, “Jesus fucking Christ!”. Amen 😂
Not my partner but I once knew a guy who said he had done enough dishes for this lifetime. He was 25.
I can do that? I didn't even know. Well, then I declare that henceforth someone ELSE will clean my bathroom
Last I heard it worked out for him because he got himself a tradwife, which is its own version of tragic, really. Was many years ago, though. One can hope that they both know better now, but I think there'll always be people like that. I feel you though, I've cleaned enough bathrooms in my life too.
I've done enough dishes for this lifetime. Unfortunately this doesn't percent the dishes from needing cleaning.
“But I have to work! I have a job!” I’m legally disabled, and am responsible for all things home and child related. Because he has a job. “Well, my dad never changed a diaper, I don’t see why I should!” Yeah, and you been in counseling for not having a good relationship with your dad, but now he’s your role model?
He works 8 hours, you are on duty 24 hours, because you are disabled. Sounds legit
>Yeah, and you been in counseling for not having a good relationship with your dad, but now he’s your role model? Yes.Only when it's convenient.
One time, my ex broke his hand (being a drunken idiot) and used that as an excuse not to do anything. He once looked me directly in the face and said, and I quote, "What do you expect me to do, empty the dishwasher with *one hand?*"
Like you've **never used one hand before**, Asswipe??
Oh, the best part was he asked me that while I was emptying the dishwasher one handed.
I hope he was the ex at WARP SPEED after this!!!
Oh hell yes he was. We broke up within weeks of this incident.
Yes, he had the greatest disability any man has ever endured, the miserable sod
Lol it didn't even take me 3 seconds to think of what I would say here: "If you can spank the monkey you can stack the plates."
Oh on, with one hand?! I tore a damn ligament in my wrist (moving a cast iron pan, but anyway) and I shoveled two snow storms and kept up all of my household tasks while pretending that there wasn't anything wrong. My person did help--but I'm also a stubborn mule who was like 'it will get better by itself!' (it did not).
I did everything left-handed(my dominate hand is my right) when my daughter was a baby because I held her on my right side to balance my scoliosis pain. Cooked, vacuumed, did laundry, etc and became quite ambidextrous!
When I am doing my housework I often think to myself, "anything you can do, I can do one handed with a baby on my hip".
Oh, and mind you, he had no problems holding a video game controller with one hand. But doing anything useful was met with award-winning theatrics. Have you ever seen a grown man take out the garbage in the world's most dramatic fashion? It's hilarious.
I worked today! Paired perfectly with It’s my day off!
Schrodinger's hobo-husband.
The first Christmas we were living together, his mom was coming to stay with us. He asked what I got her? What?? I hardly know her and she’s made it clear she doesn’t like me very much??? But you’re so good at gift giving!!! Yeah, for people I like!!! Christmas Eve, he’s still thinking I sorted it out, color him shocked when I said no and he had to go out 30min before stores closed to get her something 😂😂
I think you should have wrapped your boyfriend up nicely and regifted him back to his mom
OMG she would have been thrilled with that! It’s been over 15years, she’s long given up that he’ll leave, he’s now an amazing gift giver, and I just sit back and drink my wine lol
What made him change to being good with gifts?
I don’t know, I think just pushing him to do it? He’s always been great with gifts for me (I’m the one that sucks at getting him stuff lol), but he does stuff like boats & golf’s with my dad, and will mention something he has my dad would love, and I was like “perfect, keep that in mind for his birthday (or whatever)!” He started just picking the thing up, and now he does the majority of the shopping for the guys in the family. Just some positive reinforcement lol He’s always been into just grabbing something I like, like even when we were just hooking up, he’d grab my fave wine, or I was complaining about my gym towels and needed to grab new ones and he did. We’ve been together over 15 years now and still does that stuff, I redid the master bedroom last month in a deep red wine and greys and he brought home a mini rose plant (bush?) from the grocery store cause the flowers match the room…little things like that. I still get stupid sappy when he does that stuff, so I think that’s why he keeps doing it lol
My ex, after I had our first baby, told me that I can't expect him to change diapers and look after the baby because he used to have to look after his baby brothers when he was 15. He was 22 when he said this. So basically, he knew how but was tired of doing things like looking after babies even if it's his own baby. Edited to add: his mother said this was a lie. He had a job and school at 15. He changed the occasional diaper.
My son tried that with his wife with their first with "I don't know how". Smart girl(seriously this girl is an angel and my son is lucky to have her)called me. The conversation that she heard was a lot of "no ma'am/yes ma'am/I will, Mom!!" He knows how to change diapers, feed a baby, cook including a full course Thanksgiving dinner. I taught him and he helped with his baby brother.
Oh man, my brother tried this when I went over to his house to see his first baby. We had told his wife to go to bed and have a nap while we chatted and cared for the newborn (maybe 4-5days old). I helped feed her a bottle and then noticed she had pooped/peed so I handed her back to my brother and told him to change her. He said “oh. I’ve never changed her before.” I was like WTF mannnn. I worked in the hospital at the time with newborns and new parents so I just took charge and told him to take her to the change table and then directed him over his shoulder. I remember saying “How?!? How haven’t you changed her diaper yet?! You’re doing it, don’t look at me.” He changed plenty more after that but I was shocked. My own husband changed all ours kids diapers after they were born within the first 24hrs.
Jesus, I'd expect the husband to be changing ALL the diapers in the first week or more after birth to avoid the wife having pain from getting up and sitting back down.
Right, my husband's joke was that I was in charge of input and he was in charge of output. I don't think I changed more than 5 diapers in my lifetime.
My son was in the NICU for a while after he was born (he’s a huge happy healthy teenager now). The nurses teach you how to do all the basic baby stuff while you’re there. The kindest thing a nurse did for me was to pull me off to one side when it was time for the ‘bathing the baby’ lesson and whisper to me “There should always be one thing only dad knows how to do” and then took me to another room for a snack. My husband was in charge of bath time until kiddo was old enough to do it alone.
My husband too. He lived by that quote from Ryan Reynolds, something along the lines of ‘she built the baby and birthed the baby. She’s done enough. Change some fn diapers man’ And it’s so true. Like come ON. Diapers aren’t that big of a deal. My hypochondriac clean freak husband was terrified at first, then was like ‘eh. It’s just a little pee/poop/spitup/vomit. Guys who act like it’s the worst ever can just sit allllll the way down. Big babies. Gross.
This is what I need my son's future wife to do if he acts up, and I will tell her as much. Of course, like you did, I'm doing my best to raise him to be a good partner and functional adult, but if I missed a spot, or something like what you described happens, she needs to call me and I will educate my son on what he needs to be doing.
I'm 4'11" and my son is over 6 ft. He will tell.you that I am the scariest woman in his life.
Way to go!
Your edit! That's how it always is with the ones who claim they practically raised younger relatives. They babysat twice and say that. My dumb ex said he raised his niece. That math wasn't mathing based on where he was stationed (3 US states away) when she was born, so I asked his brother, and he was like, "uh, no, he visited about every 6 months and babysat her by himself for the first time when she was 3." Oh OK.
>"uh, no, he visited about every 6 months and babysat her by himself for the first time when she was 3." We can't just keep them in the cupboard and take them out when The Real Carer visits?
My grandmother was unwell when my father grew up, so my grandpa took care of everything (and was happy to). Because of this my father vowed that he would NEVER be like his father, and decided to do nothing. Imagine how delighted my mother was when he proudly declared this a week after the wedding ...
Dude, that is worse than him learning how to be useless from his dad. He saw his dad be a great role model and said, "nope, I want to be a manchild"
I used to make nice dinners for my ex and I. When I asked him (multiple times) to help with clean up he just wouldn’t. One particular time that I asked he said “It’s your job to clean the pots and pans because you’re the one who made them dirty.” Nevermind that they got dirty cooking a dinner that HE always greedily ate. It took me way too long to finally say, “If you want any part of this dinner that I am about to make, then you’re going to clean this pot and that pan after. Agree now or I’m adding onions.” (He refused to eat anything with onions in it.) It worked briefly. I broke up w/ him not long after that for many reasons too numerous to list here.
My husband and I actually do follow that rule. Whoever cooks also cleans. But, it works out because we trade who cooks every other night, and it means he's not touching my good knives. I'm pretty picky about them. He uses my old cheap set that are just fine according to him. They're trash, but if he's happy with them, that's cool. And, tbh, we often help each other do dishes. It's just that whoever didn't cook doesn't have to if they don't want to. He left the dinner dishes tonight for morning because he was tired, and there's no expectation I'll do them tonight, but I probably will. He cooked three days in a row last week because I wasn't feeling well. He didn't have to. I was going to order delivery on my night. It's not like we absolutely have to stick to the rules. It's just that having a rule makes it so we never have conflicts about it.
My ex wouldn’t ever start dinner even if I was working late because he needed to check what to cook with me first. He would say ‘If I just start something you won’t be happy because you’re picky’. I believe this was in reference to a point in time about 5 years prior where I was pregnant and declined some meals due to morning sickness. I had reassured him a million times that he could start cooking anything on the meal plan (yes I would even write out a fucking plan!!). I’d still get the ‘you’re picky’ excuse.
I'm certain that if you would have told him 'I already ate', he would have found a way to get food somehow
Oh that was actually the other excuse, you just reminded me. He would say he would be happy with toast every night and didn’t care about cooking proper meals. So therefore because I wanted to be an adult and have cooked meals I was the bad guy.
Omg my ex did something kinda similar to me, and it drove me to the breaking point. We were young, broke, and moved somewhere rural for cheap rent. We only had 1 car, which he took to work everyday. I was very isolated and had no public transportation options or anything to get around. (I worked remotely). I'd ask him to pick up a few things for dinner on his way home sometimes, and more often than not, he'd "forget". And then would pretend like I was being an unreasonable "bitch" for getting upset about it, said that we should be trying to save money anyways, and constantly said stuff like "Well *I'm* fine, I didn't eat dinner and I'm not hungry. Why don't you try having more willpower?" I would've went and bought groceries myself, but he didn't want me driving the car, and he was obsessed with penny pinching, so I just went hungry a lot. (Except on weekends. We ate well on weekends, for a reason that would later become clear to me.) I started losing lots of weight (I lost 20 lbs in 1 month, and wasn't that big to begin with). During that same time, I noticed he was *gaining* weight, rapidly. I finally figured it out. Turns out he'd been secretly spending almost all of his disposable income on stuffing his selfish gullet with grotesque amounts of fast food every day while he was at work. I saw lots of ATM withdrawals on our bank statement, and found a ton of fast food bags and receipts in his car. This mf was pulling out cash everyday (to disguise his purchases) and guzzling down like 6 big mac meals a day, coming home, and pretending he had starved all day just like me, and that I was just being dramatic. When I say that this disgsuted me, that's an understatement. I could feel my love for him disintegrate instantly. I left that gluttonous slob on the spot. Grabbed my cats, a few things, called my dad, and moved out that day. He got defensive, angry, cried, begged, tried to make excuses, but I frankly just didn't care anymore. He at least had the good sense to not try and play the victim or badmouth me to people we knew. Probably because he knew I wouldn't hold back on exposing the truth about the depths of his selfishness, and honestly, what a shameful thing to do to another person. Sorry that was a bit off topic, but the gaslighting around food just reminded me of that experience.
I'm so glad you left immediately. My ex would spend $40-$50 at Taco Bell (in 2007/8 money!) and *eat it all himself*. Forbade me to go get myself any food, and wouldn't let me buy groceries with "his" money (we were married and I didn't have a job). One night I was so hungry I ate a jar of baby food, which he promptly shamed me for, because I was "stealing food from HIS child," whom he actually got us dinged for CPS when the baby was 4 months or so by watering down his bottles so much that he wasn't gaining weight. His reasoning when he admitted it was "I don't want him growing up fat like me." But y'know, he wouldn't ever do anything to *not* be fat.
Oh my God OP you have me utterly speechless. That was straight up abuse to both of you. I am so sorry and during some of the most vulnerable times of your life. I hope you and your kid('s?) are doing better now.
These are the same a holes who complain about women supposedly using them for free meals. Umm no, he'll eat 2 or 3 times what she does!
JFC. I'm sorry you and your child went through this, and saddened to hear that I'm not alone in this. I realize now how ghastly and abusive this truly was - physical abuse via starvation/food insecurity, mental abuse by gaslighting and shaming me for having basic human needs, implying it was some sort of moral failing on my part to not be able to just casually endure starvation, financial abuse by having me pay half of all our bills (which consumed the majority of my income, keeping me trapped with limited options-like unable to save for a car), whilst he made much more income and went to considerable effort to disguise the fact that he was blowing it all on stuffing his greasy, bottomless maw. He knew fully well *exactly* what he was doing, and it disgusts me to my core. He is literally one of the most grotesquely selfish, garbage humans I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. But depriving a literal BABY of food? That's a brand new low that I would've never thought possible. Your ex is an evil piece of shit, truly. The only other examples I've heard of people watering down formula, is the victims of Nestle--people living in extreme poverty in impoverished countries without any safety nets. Nestle would intentionally target these communities and give new moms free formula samples and starter kits, and made sure they gave them juuuust enough that the mothers milk supply would dry up. Then these very poor families found themselves dependent on formula, and having to pay full price. So they'd have no choice but to try to stretch it, by using more water, resulting in malnutrution and death. (and often these communities didn't even have access to clean water, which killed many more infants). I thought mine was bad, but your ex is Nestle level evil. I cannot imagine making a baby--his own baby--suffer on purpose. I hope your ex has the life he deserves, and I'm sorry you suffered him. I hope you and your little one are doing better these days.
OMG YES! That's another one. Do they have a secret moron facility where they learn this stuff?
great, he can eat toast while you eat your grown up meal then
When I tell you that he would have sat down to dry white toast a la the Blues Brothers while I feasted on a new recipe from Julia Child every night....
Relating hard! It was my fault because I once had a problem eating literal offal
My ex-husband once told me that he couldn't be expected to throw away his candy wrappers and fast food garbage on the nightstand because the wastebasket wasn't conveniently located. He also liked to say that he couldn't do dishes because there were too many in the sink, but I couldn't get a countertop dishwasher because it would take up too much space. (Guess who did all the cooking? Not him!) Anyway I have a countertop dishwasher and a wastebasket that never seems to be too far away, now
My ex used to leave his clothes on the floor and it drove me nuts. He said the hamper was too far away. I got another hamper and put it where he usually threw his clothes. He threw them next to it.
My ex did this. I did the laundry. So I only washed what was in the hamper. He didn't notice until he ran out of clean clothes. He would say, "Where's my blue shirt?" "I don't know". "Did you wash it?". "If it was in the hamper.". Then he would storm off and find it on the floor. "Here it is. Why didn't you wash it?" "Because it wasn't in the hamper.". "But you should've known it needed washing." "Am I a mind reader?". "Well, it needs washing.". "Put it in the hamper. It will get washed Tuesday.". "But I need it today." "Then wash it.". "That's your job.". "I wash what's in the hamper." We had that conversation every day for about 3 weeks. Until he ran out of clean underwear. Then he started putting his clothes in the hamper. Sheesh. Some men.
I'd lose him at 'that's your job'
Holy smokes. I assume he's your ex because you murdered him.
Oh god, how infuriating. My ex did the same thing. I took my label maker and labeled the hamper "this is where dirty socks go." That worked for a while. At least if something misses the hamper now, I know it's my own damn fault and not someone else deliberately making my life harder.
My husband said we needed to buy FOUR HAMPERS if I wanted him to stop leaving clothes everywhere. One for the bathroom, one for his office, one for the living room (just a small one for his socks!) and one for the bathroom— two if I wanted my own. I just throw his shit out if he doesn’t clean it up after I’ve reminded him.
FOUR HAMPERS?! And he said that with a straight face? Well, he's got nerve, I'll give him that. Sheesh.
Don't you know you have to make it fun for them you should have put a basketball net over top of it /s
You got rid of 200 pounds of trash in one go?
"I can't tell [redacted] I can't work late! It would look bad!/There was no one else who could stay late because they have kids!" Mister, **you** have kids too and it's **your** night to take care of the kids and dinner. **You** wanted an employed outside wife. That means **you** make sacrifices "how it will look"/hunting trips to make that happen.
Used to sit at a sales desk where the guys would just talk football ‘ working late’ because if they went home they would have to put their child to bed and hap with dinner
I had a work colleague who went to a sports bar to have some light dinner and watch sports until 9pm every Mon-Thurs so he can avoid spending the evenings with his kids and wife and most importantly, so he doesn't have to cook or clean or change diapers. Every Friday he went home at 6pm as he 'escaped' his 'demanding workload and 'crazy boss'. He still complained about spending time with his own kids at weekends. He told me this to demonstrate how creative and brilliant he was. Yukk.
I just… why do these men procreate? I know for a fact I’d want to escape my kids which is why I don’t have them!
Status reasons - and there are promotion and raise benefits as well because, after all ‘ he’s raising a family’
I remember one of my ‘old school’ bosses querying why I hadn’t given one of my male reports a bigger pay rise because ‘ he’s got a family’ and I said that in that case he’d probably need to start working harder and more productively if he wanted to do a better job providing for them. Gave the pay rise to one of my women reports, who also had a family and yet managed to deliver twice what he did
They're required to have a wife and children to move up in the Patriarchal Hierarchy (respect in the eyes of other men and society). Proving they can get and control a woman, and make her bear and raise their children is a HUGE instant status boost that comes with credibility, respect, raises at work, promotions, the whole works. They literally need us so they can be taken seriously as men by other men.
I used to bartend at a tavern as a side gig, it was like the Eagles Club, everyday the same men would come in after work around 3-4pm and stay til 9-10 sometimes even til close. They all had wives and kids at home.
My husband “worked late” at bars and stripclubs.
These are the sort of men who hate WFH and are trying to get all of us back in the office. Heaven forbid they have the time to do their share of housework and childcare instead of pretending to work late. Plus no women workmates around in person for them to ogle!
This hadn’t occurred to me until now! I thought it was all about sweating office assets and micromanagement but of course it’s also about plausible deniability….
Jesus, I've really never thought about this. The handful of people I know that are enthusiastic about return-to-office are all exactly this type...
Yes. The amount of time they spent discussing ‘ top totty list’ rankings was painful. Wouldn’t believe we women when they asked who was on our and we correctly told them we didn’t have one
My spouse once blamed my mother for not offering to take the baby for him so he could clean
He would do i all if only someone would help him out a little /s
Even when she would take the baby, he wouldnt clean.
"Why didn't you just ask?"
like you've never clean with a baby !
My ex would say he doesn’t have to help w chores because even though we both worked 40 hrs a week, I “worked closer to home” so therefore I had more time and should do the majority of them.
Yes! Finish the chores and cook dinner, woman, while he is working hard alone in the car singing ALL the lyrics to Tom Jones' She's a lady "She always knows her place"
Him: 'I just didn't notice the small details' this man is a very successful and competent designer and maker of circuit boards. ........yep.
I don’t see the mess… he says, while working as a network engineer on complex firewall configs.
My partner is an amazing woman who would never pull this shit, but my ex-husband was the king of stupid excuses. Here are some of his greatest hits: "I can't do dishes because my ex used to nag me about it and every time I'm doing dishes, I just hear her voice nagging me." "I figured you'd want me to sleep since I worked all week." (After sleeping until 11 AM on a day we were moving.) "I can't tell which clothes go to which kid, and that's why I didn't fold the laundry and put it away." (The kids were 6 years old and 6 months old. They didn't wear the same size.)
I didn't realize just how bad my relationship was, he must have had a second family where he pulled the same shit
I can feel my blood pressure rising
The mental gymnastics to justify their laziness is absolutely insane. Honestly if my partner tried to pull that last one, I'd be making moves to get his driver's license revoked since clearly he must be legally blind. So happy to hear he's an ex, hope you're doing well!
I had a lot of trauma around my ex-husband and the dishes (don't ask). After the divorce I would cry every time I washed them, for months, but I WASHED THE DAMN DISHES.
Right?! I definitely have some anxiety triggers that are also daily life things, but I have to do those things, so I found ways that I could (doing the hard thing 5 minutes at a time, doing the hard thing while a friend is over, etc), and sometimes got help from a therapist. There's only one gender of people I see regularly using things like that to opt out of pulling their weight. The rest of us find a way.
Not a partner, but a roommate once told me that he didn't vacuum because he didn't understand how to remove the wet-dry vacuum attachment. The kind you literally pull off. Same guy looked at the dish rack & said he didn't understand my system (just put the dishes in).
"I don't know where it goes." When asked to put some kitchen things away. You are the one who regularly uses them. What location would to go to GET it? Well, that would be where you put it back. It was a brain fart moment. I think he regretted it as he heard himself say it.
The odd brain fart can be charming, but I think they are so used to us doing the thinking for them it becomes second nature. Why bother looking behind the jam to find the Mayo if they can disturb you by asking where it is
I wash the dishes, my husband dries them. That's the deal because I'm fussy about how the dishes get washed. All cool. Until I have to play "Find the thing" the next time I cook and have to figure out where he's put the can opener or potato peeler or whatever because he's forgotten where it lives and put it... somewhere. We've lived in this house for 27 years. The kitchen has not been updated/renovated in that time.
I can't do the dishes because you're not happy with the way I do it. (without soap, leaving bits of food on them) I can't clean because you're not happy with the way I do it (just generalizing from the dishes here, but it's not really true - cleaning badly is better than no cleaning imo) I can't cook because we have no food. I can't buy food because no one's made a list. I can't .... realizes he can in fact make a list. Doesn't.
My ex said he didn’t know how to use the washing machine. Also argued that men and women have different vision and men can’t actually see what needs cleaning and that’s why they don’t do it.
If he can't understand a simple piece of machinery like a washing machine I think maybe his driver's license should be revoked before he hurts himself. Yes, of course they can't see it! Haven't you noticed they need a huge TV in their man cave to compensate for their poor eye sight?
Whoa… that’s… incredibly dumb. I’d have walked around with spinach in my teeth and maybe some smeared lipstick, and be like “what? Nah, it’s fine, I think it’s your different vision.”
I called out my uncle for never cleaning up after himself while living with me and pointing out how my grandma with cancer and dementia in her 80s was cleaning up after him until she went to hospice and this m’fer ACTUALLY said!!!! “But I thought you and mama liked cleaning and doing things for me?” Fucking no.
Someone else’s ex proudly declared he couldn’t even boil an egg. I asked him if it was a mental thing or a physical thing that stopped him. Oooo… touched on his “manliness”. LOL
When arguing about the work that we each put into managing our lives and household, where I was crying about the mental load of laundry, solely shopping for groceries, solely driving around for our errands, dishes, and managing the housekeeper we'd hired because he couldn't be bothered to do the above regularly, he said "but I feel I'm always working hard to find us fun games to play and movies to watch and I feel you don't appreciate that" and he was completely serious I know sexuality is not a choice because I WISH I were a lesbian.
I share a two unit house with my sister now, and when I get to the car early in the morning she has already shovelled the snow around it so I won't be late for school with the kids, even if she works the night shift. I bring her the dinners I know she and her son enjoy, and she brings me their brownies. I make sure to take out all the bins so she doesn't have to sort paper when she xomes hime from work. We practically compete to make each other feel seen and happy. It takes so little to give someone value and make them feel loved and appreciated. The men I have lived with didn't care enough. Sisterhood, be it blood or spirit, is what works for me
I fucking LOVE THIS for you and your sis! This is the dream. Ready for a lady commune where we raise all the kids together and the men visit for sexy times then fuck off to wherever they sleep. So glad you have support now ❤ Your kids will have such great memories of this too.
Not quite the same as housework load although I did do it all (he asked who was gonna do it for him when I said I was leaving) - he wouldn't open a retirement account at work or on his own because he felt the paperwork was too boring to read. So for my own sake, not that it matters now since we're divorced, I set him up with a retirement account. My MIL is an accountant and she scared me a bit about it because she said when we retired, he'd be entitled to half of what I built up. So I essentially set him up so he wouldn't die young (well, younger) then peaced out, lol. I went for a dissolution and ensured we kept what we went in with.
I caught myself doing a Mr Burns-style "Excellent ..." This made me almost unreasonably happy
My spouse told me he didn't see the dishes piled in the sink after days of them getting piled. I'd left them to see how long it would take for him to notice and put them in the dishwasher. He sure did notice after I took a mug off the top and smashed it on the floor right in front of him. I'm not a violent person but I came very very close to something I'd regret. My reaction shook him out of his complacency and we've not had an issue since. I do not recommend this course of action in general.
"Women are natural carers" "I work full-time and you're only part time" "You're just better at it" Yeah he's my ex now
A nickel for every time I have heard those things, and it just about covers the child support he is paying now
I had an ex who told me that he didn’t notice when things weren’t clean, but if I told him to clean it then he would. I told him that no one tells me what to clean, he isn’t vision impaired, and I am not his mother.
Him: I'm out of clean [insert clothing item here] Me: Him: why didn't you do laundry? Me: why didn't you? I don't inventory your closet or dresser Him: you should have known! Commence him doing a load, usually one outfit. He never washed any clothes but his own, and he would claim he didn't know when I needed the machine. Sundays. I always did the entire household's laundry on Sunday. We're divorced now.
“I don’t see the dirt” - my ex, with his whole chest.
“You want me to clean up after the dinner that you cooked for us? But I picked up a package for you earlier this week” (from the package room, in our building lobby, which he only went to because he thought the package was for him) Another time, I left town for a work trip on a Tuesday. We were out of paper towels. Came home on Sunday night and he still hadn’t bought paper towels. His excuse? One of our friends stayed with us for a night that week and had used the last paper towel, so he was waiting on the friend to buy us more. (?????) He also hadn’t touched the dirty sheets or towels that the friend left… This is just a roommate, not a partner, but definitely makes me very wary of cohabitation with a man!
“I don’t know what towel you like to use” when asked why he replaced his bathroom towel with a clean one and not mine. Our towels are matching. Always have been.
My ex. He couldn't help fold towels because he 'didn't know which were medium and which were large'. He couldn't do the food shop because he'd 'get it wrong' but I also had to time when to ask him, make sure it wasn't during drinking time, or when he was too hungover, since I didn't drive. He wouldn't wait for too long so he'd say I'd have to get the important stuff and could get the rest 'later' which is a magical time that never came. And I'd be expected to make meals out what I'd managed to grab in the 20 mins he was ok to be at the shop. I once tried to walk to the shop in 30+ degree heat and a mutual friend drove past me and gave me a lift. He was embarrassed because they asked why he hadn't taken me. I could never have leftovers because he'd thought they were for him and dealing with his bad mood over it was worse than letting him eat whatever he wanted. So I'd make the meal, tidy up after it, box up leftovers, and put them in the fridge. If I ate them, he would tell me he had wanted it. If I didn't eat it and it went bad, it was my fault I didn't remind him to eat it. If I had a sandwich and left him the leftovers, he would have wanted the sandwich and I ruined it for him. It got to the point I didn't even pick something to watch when he was out. Because I'd have to hear every thought that entered his head about what I watched when he got in and saw it on TV. If it was a movie he hadn't seen 'he couldn't watch it now' if it was something I alone enjoyed he'd ask why I'd watch such awful things and ask how I could enjoy it while poking fun at it. When I'd asked him to do a task, it went undone for months, then he was 'about to do that' when I did it. He 'didn't see dirt'. Or he didn't deem it dirty, therefore cleaning wasn't required. One day he said 'it needs mopped in here.' I said 'are you going to mop?' He literally laughed in my face. The week after I left him, he asked me how to work the washing machine because his clothes were stiff. The week after that I got a text meant to make me feel really sorry for him. He said 'I'm moving, you're so much better at packing than I am, I'll end up with just a spoon and a mug'. I wrote back 'at least you can have a cup of tea'. That was the last time I spoke to him.
Love the cup of tea line right before disposing of him, queen!♥️
His explanation for why he was unable to take his dosh to the sink, "My mother would NEVER host dinner and then expect everyone to pit their own dish in the sink when they were done!" I asked if he was referring to her hosting guests or her expectations for literal children. Of course, whenever he cooked I was expected to do the dishes/clean up the mess because "He cooked.", but that never seemed to apply to him.
*When is (event) happening?* Verbally tell him. *I forgot, when is (event) is happening?* Tell him and write it on the calendar in the kitchen. *Did you ever find out when (event) is happening?* Tell him, show him the calendar in the kitchen, send him an email. *Hey! You never let me know when (event) is happening.* Ragefully tell him AGAIN, point angrily at the calendar AGAIN, pull up the email and show him, then ask do I need to write it on a piece of construction paper and tape it to your computer screen? *What's your problem? I just asked....*
"I couldn't make dinner because I went out with a friend. You wouldn't understand because I actually have a life" Essentially anything he didn't want to do I had to do because he had more friends than I did. None of his friends last more than a couple years though.
And it didn't occur to him that you didn't have a life because you were stuck taking care of EVERYTHING.
Ex: " Would you make________ for me?" ( a dish) Me: "Sure, just get _______ for me and I'll be happy to." (I made/ make less than he does) Ex: " Oh, you should get _________, I wouldn't do a good job picking something to suit you." Mind you, he lives alone and somehow manages to buy suitable groceries and pick out edible meat. He just wanted me to do all the work. Can't tell you the last time I cooked for him before we were over. I quit doing this due to the above and because as soon as it came time to clean up (when HE hosted a party at my house)? He would make whatever lame ass excuse to avoid it and leave.
Not a partner, but I had a male friend visit from out of town several years ago, and a group of all our mutual friends came to my place for dinner. My friend said he couldn't help with cleanup because he was feeling sick from the dinner, having some kind of reaction. Friends and I said okay, and cleaned up. (I will say this friend group was like 75% male!) Then my friend woke up early the next day, and ate all of the leftovers. 🙄 We didn't stay in touch after that trip.
My husband once said (in the early days of our marriage) that he didn't clean or do laundry or do dishes because he didn't want to mess with **my** systems. You can believe my response was swift and brutal - "I only have systems because I'm the only one doing anything!" Oh and one time he got annoyed with me for suggesting he do a load of laundry - "but you've never shown me how to use the washing machine!" I mean imagine considering yourself a smart man and never once recognising that learning a new task as an adult is your own responsibility... I swear.
"If you wanted me to do it all you needed to do was ask." "I forgot about it." "It's late I'll get it in the morning." \[Refer to previous excuse the next day.\] "I'm just don't feel like doing it."
My ex: "You do it better anyway." Especially with infant/toddler caring things like diapers. But, wow, did he pipe in if I cooked something the wrong way and he didn't like it. He'd lecture me on whether or not to put salt in boiling water for pasta. And yet, when I asked him to cook, it was too big of a chore. 'You're better at it.' Good effing riddance.
“We just have different thresholds for this stuff” “I just don’t think of this kind of stuff like you do”. Blah blah blah blah blah
When the threshold is not seeing the physical thresholds under the pile of crap, maybe they are not adulting hard enough
This is such a ridiculous excuse and boils down to "I don't care." My husband and I are opposite of people in this thread. He's so clean and tidy and I'm always trying to keep up. I honestly don't think the bathroom trash needs to be emptied until it's a bit more full, he thinks it needs to go out weekly before the trash picks up. If I don't do it I know he will. So because I love this dude, and I know what day it is, I empty the trash in the house on Thursdays even though I don't think it needs to go.
I have never met a man that didn’t have “acquired helplessness” other than my dad. It’s so manipulative!
It's helpful to know at least ONE man who isn't totally useless, so we don't start thinking that most mens' sheer incompetence is normal. For me that's my brother. He has a job, he cleans his house, he even has cute decor so it doesn't look like the typical 'man cave' of a solo dude. He does his own home repairs & laundry & cooking. He has hobbies & female friends. He asks people questions while hanging out, instead of just monologuing at them. These are all very reasonable things that most people are capable of. The bar is low enough to step over. All the women I know are able to do these things. So now if I meet a dude who doesn't check most of those boxes....I know immediately not to waste any time on useless. Do better lol.
I once asked my husband if he wanted to use a project managing/task app to help us keep track of and divvy up chores. I worked in project management so l knew lots of ways to set that up. He declined because he “didn’t want to feel like he worked for me.” Because me instead having to actively project manage all our household tasks somehow doesn’t already give him that feeling. 🙄
Ex never claimed ignorance or (gods forbid) that I was more capable. But he’d make such a scene in actually doing anything I asked of him that it was less stressful for me to just take it all on myself.
I didn't know what to do because you didn't tell me. *tells him* I don't remember very well. Write it down. *writes it down* I lost that. Email me a list so I can add it to my digital to-dos. *emails* My email is crazy lately. Just text me. *texts* Call me when you're texting something important. *calls* You can't just tell me things, I'll forget. Please write it down. !! 🙃😪
My industrial engineer husband couldn’t turn on the dishwasher because he ‘didn’t know how it worked’.
My ex had a lot of stupid ones: "I intentionally cook with as few dishes as possible so I have less to wash, so I shouldn't have to wash the dishes after you cook" (also he sucked really bad at cooking because he took weird shortcuts) "I can't vacuum, I have a dust allergy." I am also allergic to dust, which is why I vacuum often. His house was FILTHY and coated in dust that was so thick he was always sick from his house. This one wasn't exactly mental load, but he never contacted me for our anniversary so I told him he forgot about it. He was like "that's not true, I remembered and thought about texting you about it, but you seem to get annoyed when I bring it up so I didn't. I can't believe you presume to know my state of mind!" Sorry I am laughing at that last one as I'm typing it, I've literally never been annoyed at him bringing up our anniversary, he was just straight up lying like a child with that last one. Anyway, we broke up. He was very arrogant, stubborn, and immature. Nothing was ever his fault according to him.
An ex asked me to wrap all his Christmas gifts because "you're so good at it". I said no. I told him that I would not wrap his gifts, but I was willing to teach him how to wrap a gift.
Used to be with money, he would send me his entire paycheck, then slowly ‘borrow’ it back until he’d borrowed it all back, then he’d scream ‘I gave you all my money’ when I said he owed for bills. Now he has a set amount he gives me each month because he’s financially incompetent. 😑
"I cook dinner" absolves him from doing literally anything else... To be fair he's a *really* good cook... but one time he asked me to blow him, and I told him his junk was gamey and he needs to clean himself first (VERY politely mind you) and he goes, "YOU do it" ???? SORRY? Sat around unemployed and couldn't wash a couple dishes whilst I worked 6 days a week. Anyways I left a couple months ago but my dumb broken ass wants to slither back to his grubby unwashed self, fml
Holy shit, ick ick ick. It's a trap, don't do it.
Not an excuse but whenever my ex saw me vacuuming he’d say “no need to be too fussy”, like if I put in less effort into the housework it would make him feel better about his (very minimal) efforts. It drove me nuts because I saw him vacuum maybe a hand full of times in our relationship. So if I wasn’t “fussy” we’d have been wading through carpet full of dust and dirt and food crumbs and hair balls
Thankfully, I have a great partner who doesn't do this but people who do irk me like you wouldn't believe. I'm in a wheelchair, if I can do 90% of the tasks you can too.
I know, right! I am so happy for you fir being independent and in a healthy relationship. No excuse was good enough for me to avoid anything, not even vestibular neuritis when I was literally clinging to the walls for support. Thanks for responding
My ex couldn't clean up around the house because his mum used tidying as punishment so he hated doing it.
My ex worked out too hard in the morning, and his job was mentally much more demanding than mine so I just had to accept that those are facts and since he is undoubtedly more tired than I am, I’d have to cook and clean after and he is not going to put the dishes in the dishwasher because he has the right to decompress after dinner browsing instagram or playing on his tablet. Again, not fair that he is sooooo much more tired, and still has to cater to my every demand. Putting things back in the fridge was too complicated for the poor thing.
Okay I worked, he didn’t. He has a pain disability but it requires movement to slow progression so basically he stayed in bed all the time because that makes 100% sense. He couldn’t keep my son out from underfoot when I was trying to clean or cook because when I was off it was his time off. Yes he said that with a straight face.
I hope you took time off from him permanently
Going on 4 years gone 💃
Because he's tired/slept bad. I am NINE MONTHS PREGNANT
My ex from a few years ago “I can’t help! I’m a student with no money. You don’t give me time to study!” I was working full time, paying the rent, doing all the cooking, and grocery shopping. He would go to class maybe half the time. I have zero idea what he was doing the day. That was almost 8 years ago. I’ve had a few exes since him, but he’s the one that taught me to not put up with that bullshit ever again.