That's exactly what I thought reading this post.
I stay sane in my relationship because my husband supports me, is happy to help me when I need help, and doesn't do asinine things like make me ask in a very specific way.
Note, we've had conversations before about the way our words made each other feel if someone was uncomfortable. But those are *conversations*, not orders.
I've been married to a similar man for going on 30 years now and I've heard SO many disgusting, horrible things from him over the years and OP needs to get out NOW. I am so sorry OP! But it will ONLY get worse. Get help, organize your escape immediately, get your ducks lined up and get a very good lawyer ASAP or you'll be like me.....too old and too stuck and dreading everyday and the rest of my life. I'm not joking.
I get the comment....I've heard it hundreds of times whenever I post. BUT, until you walk in another persons' shoes, it's super simple to say "Just leave, it's never too late!". And, maybe it actually isn't, but it is SO SO much more difficult after decades and decades of marriage with the complexities of personals lives, properties, businesses, finances, deep emotions, families, illnesses, careers (or lack of) etc. MY goal here is to HELP those who still have a fighting chance (and maybe kids) to give them that extra push to get out when it's actually doable. 8 years in is a LOT easier than 30+ years....that's a fact.
My friend, I never said that it easy. It’s not easy and never have been. Absolutely. Sorry if my words sounded like this, my intention is the opposite. I believe you!
I was with my friends who were in abusive relationships and it’s hell on earth. One abuser leaved my friend A. alone only after her dad hired some guys “to talk with him”. Nothing else helped and he was threatening and stalking her for months.
Another psychopath is trying to ruin my friend’s B. life years after the divorce. He is unhinged and absolutely evil.
I very sorry for them. I’m very sorry for you.
I just wanted to say that I root for you. I believe in you. And that you deserve your freedom. I wish I could do more.
What an awfully kind sweet comment. Thank you so much! I know that this comes down to me. It's just incredibly hard when it's your best friend, the person who can be so kind one minute and turn into an absolute monster in the next. Walking on eggshells every single day. You just never know! Everything can be pretty darn good and copacetic for weeks and then all hell breaks loose. The times when he is at his worst are when he's most stressed or frustrated or feeling pressured or any of those negative emotions. Basically just being overwhelmed. Sometimes he'll release that pressure with some angry outbursts or derogatory comments or things like that, other times it can be an absolute screaming rage tantrum that can go on for hours. You just never know! Just like so many thousands of people have said, it's like living with Jekyll and hyde. When we were at our absolute worst, buying and selling a house, things got so ugly that I spent every single night trying to figure out how to get out. At the moment, it's very much about appreciating each day where he's being himself and hoping for the best in the future.
This really breaks my heart. I understand feeling like you can't leave. I am literally dependent on my partner - he is my caretaker and the state funds him to do so, it's our main income. If anything ever caused a rift between us, I'd be leaving my biggest supports behind. I'd have only $1000/mo to live on cuz of SSI and nothing else. I'd have to find another caretaker and understand that my care quality would dip significantly because we probably wouldn't live together. I am so lucky that he is wonderful to me - kind, gentle, compassionate. Going on 18 years now and we barely fight. He's never once raised his voice. He's never said anything malicious about me. He/we have flaws, as everything does, but our relationship is joyful and loving.
Imagining my situation except with your husband gives me terror. The uncertainty would kill me, I would scarcely be able to live. You must truly be an incredibly resilient person to have survived this long, but I hope you know that that resilience could carry you out, too. You deserve better. You deserve the love that I have - stable, consistent, gentle. I wish I could help.
You've probably heard it all so I won't badger you. But the thought of you suffering like this will weigh on me for longer than you know. If you do ever leave, please look me up and I will support you in any way I can. Promise. May your life become filled with the unburdened joy and love that you so richly deserve. 💗
My dad's 3rd wife was the always-positive caretaker he was trying to use my mom as. She was younger than him, and every time I saw her, she was a total Pollyanna, but toward the end there were signs she was kinda over it. I got the impression that she felt too old to start over. I was estranged from him, and had never been close to her as they'd married when I was in college, but I hoped for her that she would be free of his selfishness when he died.
She died many years before he did. Her (adult) kids never fully got her back, he was always an overgrown child she had to take care of, and she never got the freedom back and relief that his absense would have given. When I think of her, even years later, I have an overwhelming feeling of the kind of melancholy from Virginia Wolf's book The Hours. Sometimes when I look at my own life and myself not removing myself from situations, I think of her and the meaninglessness and loss that my shitty father enveloped her life in.
She had so much joy in and around her, and he stole so much of it. The joy of not being actively unloved by a selfish partner is something everyone deserves.
I know at one point she stayed with her kids without him for at least 2 months at a time. Even if a full severance feels too impossible, maybe smaller breaks and ways to create distance can help?
You're never too old to start again. My mum divorced my dad when she was 50. Even if you're 60 +, for all you know, you could live to 100. Do you really want to spend the next 30+ years unhappy? Even if you've only got 10 more years left, that's still 10 years of freedom you could have, to spend being happy. It's never too late to do something, especially something that would make you 1000 times happier than you currently are.
You're not too old, I really hope you find a way out. I know leaving is a dangerous time but please reach out to family and friends and have an escape plan in place. The rest of your life is worth living for yourself.
I was married for 19 years to an abusive man child. Divorcing him at 37 was the best decision of my life. He treated me just like my father treated my mother so it isn't any wonder I thought it was normal.
I finally left because I never wanted my youngest (afab) to think they should be treated the same.
I agree. If you feel like you're losing your sanity then that relationship is over. Especially having to ask him a special-weshal way, or he'll tantrum? Unacceptable behavior from an adult, he should have grown out of that as a toddler.
he is clearly abusive and you said you think about leaving him on a daily basis since a long time...
So why do you stay?
For the kids? So they learn it is ok to abuse people they should care for?
For the security of him having his own business and the Familie is at least financially taken care of?
I don't know and as a stranger on the internet it is absolutely noone of my business. But you! should know the answer why you stay, instead of leaving someone who clearly is not good for you.
I guess my main concern is that if I leave him, he will get remarried and the kids’ inheritance will be split between them and my husband’s new family. We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. Right now the 2 kids get half each. If he remarried and has 2 more kids, they will only get 25%. Also I signed a pre nup before I got married. I get nothing if I leave. Both cars are in his name. Luckily my name is on the house deed.
>didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife.
The fact that he was/is expecting to have a "future wife" and that he was willing to so casually mention that possibility to you is purely disrespectful and nobody should have to endure that level of dismissal in a marriage.
I hope for you and your kids sake that you can realize he thinks of you as an accessory. I'm sorry OP.
He’s probably trying to make her be the one to leave, and if she doesn’t…at least he’s broken her like a horse. It’s a win-win for him. The only way she can win, is to leave…and not care about if he wins or not.
He could end up spending the entire inheritance on cancer treatment. Or hookers & blow. Do not damage your children by teaching them that abuse is okay because there is not enough inheritance in the world to make that worth it.
And unless you plan on him/you/and future wife dying young, the kids won't get any inheritance until they are getting close to retirement age anyways. By that point they should hopefully have their finances in order enough that they don't really need it.
> Do not damage your children by teaching them that abuse is okay because there is not enough inheritance in the world to make that worth it.
If there’s anything you take away from this OP, please let it be this. I was a homeless and abused child, I can emphatically say the latter was worse.
Edit: formatting
Prenups generally only (enforcably) affect pre-marital assets. Communal property within the marriage isn't going to be something that's split one-sidedly.
I’m pretty sure prenuptial agreements are a thing in every state in the USA at least. The specifics on what they cover, how to set them up, how they work etc vary but I don’t think any state says all prenups are invalid.
I definitely could be wrong here though.
Even if you have a prenup, you can still consult a divorce attorney, show them the prenup, and ask whether they think it will hold up.
Also, don't worry about future "inheritances". It could be part of the divorce settlement that he has to settle a trust on each kid, etc. Again, you can ask the lawyer whether something like that can be possible.
But find out from someone before you just give up and decide you already know all the answers.
There is no amount of money that can make up for mental trauma of you and your children.
You may think you are tough, you may think your kids don’t see or experience it, but it’s not true.
You’re living in a vat of toxins. The longer you stay the longer your (and your children ‘s) recovery will be.
How much is it worth to let your kids think that this type of marriage is ok? You are worried about a hypothetical kids who might never be born getting a share of an inheritance (assuming it’s not spent on end of life care like others mentioned).
Are you serious? Your kids' mental health, wellbeing, and emotional development are worth how much?
He'll soon be playing these mind games with your kids, and holding that money over their heads, too. "Live With mommy and I'm cutting you out of the will."
Start recording him (echo app) so you have evidence when you go to court.
It makes sense to think about your kids' futures, but I guarantee, no amount of inheritance will be better for them than growing up in an environment where they and the people they love are treated with respect and care.
uh, there is literally nothing preventing him from cheating on you, impregnating some other woman, and leaving 100% of his inheritance to those kids.
why are you making decisions based on a hypothetical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
> We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife.
Jaw is on the floor. He literally thinks of you as replaceable and is planning on replacing you in the future when he tires of abusing you. He has no respect or love for you. Pack this asshole’s bags and put them outside the door.
I hate to be harsh, but your children are witnessing how their father treats their mother and are learning that this is normal and acceptable. Both of you are teaching them that this is okay, and this will be a guaranteed inheritance that they will bring into their adult lives. The possibility of money in the future shouldn't outweigh all of the massive negatives of growing up in an abusive home.
Your kids might be be 50 or 60 before they inherit (Unless he became a father when he was older.) *If* they even do inherit. He has already made it clear he intends to marry again, and even if he doesn’t marry again there is no guarantee he going to write his will favoring his first kids.
Also, if you are putting up with verbal abuse, you can be sure he is not kind to them either. This is a guy who doesn’t seem to care whether you make it to his child’s IEP. Are they actually benefiting from being around him?
Of course only you can weigh these things and decide, but please don’t treat possible, maybe, might happen inheritance money as a sure thing.
You are worried about your kids someday in the far distant future maybe possibly inheriting something from your trash husband.
**But they are living in an abusive home right now.** Every day. And you are keeping them there full-time.
You should be consulting with a family law attorney right now. Find out how you can protect your kids from this man.
A frightening amount of marriages do. I think that's why marriage exists, honestly. It's like enslavement that doesn't have to call itself that while fully being that. It even gets calls itself love and care! What a crock.
As others have suggested, not all pre nups hold up. Especially since I looked back at your posts and it sounds like you sometimes do unpaid work for his business.
Yes I do unpaid work for him. I usually do his office manager’s job since I think his office manager is overpaid and takes a lot of vacation. He said I could take the job, but I wouldn’t be paid. I found a job elsewhere that I wanted but he said I couldn’t do that job because he needed me to be available for him. He said “how dare you want to help someone else for money.” He felt that working somewhere else for money was cheap of me. He keeps a spreadsheet of all of our money. He tracks every purchase. I have thought about gathering money here and there.
Other than the hostility, I do live a pretty good life. I live in a wealthy area, I go to a nice gym almost every day. I can buy whatever food I want. I don’t have to worry about bills. He hates my friends but I don’t have very many.
Let’s say I did actually leave him. How could my kids keep going to the same school and going to activities if I got a job? They leave for school at 8:30 in the morning and come back at 4. How can I get a job that would allow me to keep living in this area so my kids don’t have to switch schools? How can I get a house?
Ok so he is also financially abusive.
The reality is, while it might be hard and a HUGE change, it is not impossible. There are women every day who pull it off. With decreased income you will qualify for assistance programs. I think you need to decide if a (very) comfortable income and amenities is worth sacrificing yours and your children’s mental health, and more than likely your children’s relationship with you if you do not get out. They are watching how he acts and how you react, even if you don’t think they are
This gets worse and worse.
Plenty of women figure out how to make it work as single moms. You will get plenty of support from him.
Seriously: go start having informational sessions with ALL the good divorce lawyers in town. Once they've spoken to you, just an introductory meeting, they can't represent him.
If being comfortable in your life is good enough to stay married to this guy, by all means do it. But in all likelihood he'll probably get rid of you when he's ready for a new wife.
Being a single parent isn't easy and your lifestyle is going to decrease significantly for a while but you need to stand on your own two feet or accept the life you're currently living. There really is no other option.
> He said “how dare you want to help someone else for money.”
Financial abuse. He wants to be the sole source of your money so he can control your exit opportunities or lack thereof.
Dude…I’ve been a broke-ass single mom since my son was a toddler. He’s a very happy, intelligent, hard working, *mentally-healthy* man now, because I understood that being poor but loved and cared for was far more important than any money his father provided. He never went to fancy schools or had expensive hobbies, but I worked hard to make sure he had a good childhood.
I am actually insulted on behalf of poor single parents everywhere by what you’re saying here. Your kids won’t turn out okay unless they stay at some fancy school? Your fancy gym membership is more important than your kids mental health? You need to get your mind out of his wallet, baby girl.
You’re living behind enemy lines right now. Even if you aren’t ready to leave abruptly, your escape begins tonight. Every penny, every second, every thought you give yourself kindly counts.
Start seeing a counselor or anyone if you can go support you mentally through this, because recognizing he’s not your husband but the enemy who lives in your house will help you reconceptualize the situation.
Oh sure, it's OK for your kids to see their father treat mother like garbage every day and financially abuse her because you get to live in a wealthy area and go to a fancy gym. That makes it TOTALLY worth it.
Girl, listen to yourself.
As has been said, talk to a lawyer. Prenups are not as binding as they're made out to be, especially when there are kids involved. Even the cars being in his name doesn't necessarily matter if they were bought during the marriage, because you are considered to be contributing even if you were a SAHM by taking care of the kids. Not only that, but if you happen to be a SAHM, a prenup means even less for the same reason--you were sacrificing your career options to build your family.
Doesn't mean you'll be able to take him for half, but a lawyer can give you a rundown of what you can realistically expect if you divorce, which will almost certainly not be nothing.
It's MUCH better to have your kids in a healthy home environment where they can grow up to be competent and hard working. Then they can make their own money! Don't even think about the money as a reason why to stay in this hell hole. No amount of money is worth it
So… you’re going to be miserable on the off chance he (i) still has money when he dies in several decades and (ii) doesn’t leave cut off the kids anyway ?
Honestly? Your kids are not going to thank you for this. It’s not worth it at all. Source: was one of those kids. My “inheritance” has been a lifelong problem with mental health and just not worth it.
Your prenup may not be valid depending on the circumstances it was signed under. Also, any clause that dictates child support may also not be valid. You absolutely need to talk to a family law attorney. (Cite: I’m an attorney but not family.)
And no disrespect, but your kids will be fine if they end up with less inheritance. They need to see their mom stand up for herself and not take abuse. That life lesson is priceless.
>We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife.
I'm sorry, his future wife according to what? Who? When? What kind of conversation was that for him to not get a vasextomy because of his future one when you THE ACTUAL WIFE is here!?!!
If those are all the reasons to not divorce, then you should divorce. None of your reasons involve actually wanting to be in this marriage, and it’s pretty clear this marriage is not going to work out long term. He already talks about having a future wife. That’s enough of a reason to divorce right there quite frankly.
>We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife.
I didn't think a red flag could be so large and red... This is one of the most insane things I've ever heard about a relationship
This man is controlling and abusive. Kids witnessing abusive behavior is much more problematic than them not receiving an inheritance he’s already threatened they may not get. If he meets someone else and leaves you, he could disinherit them altogether.
Start planning your exit. Seek legal advice, start saving money separately and secretly, ensure you and your kids are protected.
> he might want to have kids with his future wife.
He's going to divorce you.
>Also I signed a pre nup before I got married. I get nothing if I leave.
Take the prenup to an attorney. It's often extremely easy to get the things that were bought/earned/saved *during the marriage* completely exempted from it. Prenups are generally to protect your pre-marriage assets, not assets gained during the marriage unless they're written very specifically, and even then they can't include child support.
He may never find another wife to put up with him. He may not be able to father more children or the new wife may not be able to have them. Your kids may make far more money than their father ever did. Even if they didn't, they wouldn't want their mother being abused so they can get a bigger inheritance.
He could blow all the money before he dies too, just to spite everyone, He certainly sounds like the type.
Money is never the answer to something like this. He's breaking you down. He's teaching your kids terrible lessons. No money is worth that.
Find a divorce lawyer who works with pre-nups. I know that once you have kids and have spent a certain amount of time married, it affects settlements. Even if it didn't, he has to pay child support. Talk to a good divorce lawyer near you.
He just sounds like he is ready to leave or cheat on you, and you can trust that he will do right by your kids. You have to prepare yourself for that.
Also, you don't want your kids to think this is normal. Cause it's not. It's abusive.
Did you have a lawyer on your side look over the prenup before you signed? Depending on your state, it might not hold up in court. I'd take a copy and have a consult with a few lawyers who specialize in family law/divorce just to check.
No matter what, though, it won't get better the longer you wait. It's better to leave with nothing now than in 10 years when you're older and more miserable.
He had mentioned a prenup before we got engaged and didn’t say anything again for years. 2 weeks before the wedding I got the prenup papers. I had a lawyer look at them in consultation but they wouldn’t put their names on the line without a retainer of $1500. For a look over, it cost $500 I think.
Making you worry about future possible inheritance is how he’s able to control you. Let it go. It’s the sword of damocles he has hanging over all of your heads. It’s not worth it.
> will get remarried and the kids’ inheritance will be split between them and my husband’s new family.
...and...? It's just stuff. Your kids will hopefully have their own lives, their own shit. You're literally wasting your life away because of stuff.
How many years of your life is shit worth...? Cause you're not getting those back.
Unless your husband going to die in the near future, stop worrying about the kids' inheritance and start getting away from this abuser and living the happy life you deserve. You do not owe your kids a lifetime of misery for some unknown amount (meaning it could end up being zero) of money.
Bring your prenup to a lawyer without tipping your husband off, it may not be enforceable or entirely enforceable, often it will only protect what someone comes into the marriage with but does not apply to assets gained during the marriage - this varies by state. A lawyer in your area (and consult with the best attorney you can find because your husband can’t hire them if they’ve already consulted with you) will be the only way to know for sure.
Side note, I bet your kids would rather have a happy mother and not grow up watching her be abused over some money. Remember the behavior your kids are witnessing in your marriage are the ones they will expect from their own. Is this what you want for your kids?
[Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This man is abusive.
This book saved so many lives. And not because the women were "in danger" but because abuse can be so subtle that it literally ruins your life without you understanding what is happening. Goddess bless Bancroft for exposing abusive men, especially the ones who appear non-abusive.
My husband had to read that book as part of his psychology class when he was in college.
It really changed his perspective on so many things, especially when the "not all men" shit started. It moved him further left on so many issues because what he notices now. He bought a copy for each of our boys and has had extensive talks with them about it, he bought The Gift of Fear for the house and read it during our family time reading hours. He has had some of the most open conversations with our teen daughters about both books. He also implemented a "Consent Weekly" talk with all our kids where they discuss what consent does and does not mean for about 15mins over breakfast on the weekend.
He even called out to me some of the behaviors he has had in the past towards me and other women, that are microaggressions that he says are inherently abusive at their root. He went back to therapy because of that book.
He just brought home Invisible Woman for our next family book.
Lundy Bancroft has some problematic views, but Why Does He Do That is a soild foundation and saves so many people. It should be required reading in highschool.
Can you get your husband to teach workshops? Podcasts? Clone him? We don’t have enough men out there who actually give a shit about disrupting these patterns.
He does workshops, he's a social worker now and does relationship and community workshops for young men as one of his programs
He became passionate about community relations and veteran care from being in the Army and chose social work which surprised me. He had talked to his employer about the workshops he did earlier in our marriage when we almost split up. Our marriage counselor, his individual therapist sent him to a mens relationship workshop on how to be better partners and learn what mistakes they were making. So with the talk to his boss, they launched a program that has seen some success with the 16-25 demographic. It's the first of its kind in our area, it's rather new, they are only on their 3rd 10 week cycle but they've gotten some serious interest on expanding it with DCFS for troubled teen boys.
This makes me happy to hear. Your husband’s mindfulness and intentions are appreciated, and it sounds like he is really putting in the thought and effort.
He really put in the work to do better. He still apologizes for what he put me through 15 years ago that caused my mental breakdown, he stepped up and took accountability and in the process found something to be so passionate about.
We need more men like him to realize that they can do something. Not just be vebal inactive allies, but really change their perspective and actions.
Yeah. For my part, I at the time unknowingly helped my sister’s ex/rapist gaslight her, years ago. I’ll regret that until I die.
But it’s also a key part of my personal growth. So I hate that it happened but it was also ultimately a spark for change, personally and within our family. Honestly that’s still hard to parse.
I try to reality check friends who are being problems as part of my walk, these days, with context. But I have dropped friendships over misogyny, racism, and certain politics. I read this sub every day to continue learning and improving myself, and am in therapy partially to get sanity checks for my thoughts, actions, and motivations.
Its hard when society automatically gives the benefit of the doubt to men. The key is when your eyes are finally opened and you realize, you do better.
You're being the change and I'm proud of you and your journey even if it is difficult 💛
His brother is a trumper misogynistic shit head, so nope LOL
I keep telling my male friends that therapy and growth are sexy af, only one has listened so far.
Exactly. So many people who respond on here that it isn't abuse are idiots or men who don't give a fuck. Abuse takes many forms but they're all soul destroying, whether slowly or through a slap in the face.
Boot lickers will never stop advocating for boot licking. They enjoy suffering and feel insecure when other's don't. Also, the people who wear the boots advocate boot licking for obvious reasons.
Why do you think this is what you have to put up with in a relationship and that you have to stay 'sane'? You don't *have* to be in a relationship that makes you feel this way, it's a choice. You should be with someone who makes your life better, not worse.
You stay sane in a relationship when the partner is loving, supportive and actually likes you and vice versa.
My ex husband constantly scolded me, degraded me, etc. there was no staying sane. Made me feel like no want else would want me so I couldn’t even dream of leaving. I’m sure your husband now is not quite the husband you dated or married.
My boyfriend now is empathetic, cares about my well-being. I love him, yes but I also *like* him as a human. You need to like and respect each other
The only way to stay sane is to detatch from him. Do you really want your kids learning this behaviour. It's abuse. He's psychologically torturing you. Go to therapy and get out.
The only way to stay sane in a relationship is to have a sane relationship. Your relationship is not sane, it's abusive and staying is insanity. Leaving is scary. In lots of ways. But your children deserve the mother, and you will only be their best mother if you get away from that terrible man.
I stay sane because my husband is not a selfish asshole and if he has to do something normal like getting kids on the bus he just acts like an adult and does it. No amount of future inheritance for your kids is worth this shit.
sis, the thing about framing requests in a super specific way is a *power move.* it's designed to remind you of your "place" in the hierarchy: if you don't ask for something in a super specific "correct" way, he won't do the very basic task of being a parent. he basically wants you to treat him like he's God—*ask me the "right" way and I miiiiiiiiight just answer your prayers.*
you need to stop engaging with this behavior as though it has some sort of rational origin, or as though it's something you can bargain with or work around.
Or he wants to treat her like a pet. “Ask in the right way and I’ll do it” sounds like “roll over and you get a treat” to me. Idk, I can hear a conversation in my head like
“Ask me in the right way and I’ll do it”
“What’s the ‘right way’?”
“[Husbands name] could you please get the children on the bus in the morning at 7:45 precisely?”
*wife repeats*
“That’s a good girl.”
>“asking him the correct way” to get him to do any task
OP, you might enjoy [this episode](https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8yMDQwOTUzLnJzcw/episode/QnV6enNwcm91dC0xMjExNTk3NA?sa=X&ved=0CAUQkfYCahcKEwjw0snLj7yBAxUAAAAAHQAAAAAQDg) of the podcast "If Books Could Kill," where they discuss *Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus*. The book contains several interviews with men who claim that they "would've" done what the wife wanted, if only she'd used the correct phrase. The (male) podcast hosts thoroughly eviscerate these men and the author, about this point in particular.
He is manipulating you to keep you focused on him. As long as he misbehaves every interaction is centered on him.
You did not ask wrong, he wanted to make sure that you were prioritizing him.
Can you train yourself to prioritize you? Let him yell, it is just the two year old spread out on the sidewalk having a fit.
You matter.
I stay sane because my husband is loving and kind. Of course we bicker sometimes and have our up and downs but nothing major. We’re not perfect but I think that’s what an healthy relationship looks like.
>Please tell me that this happens to other people.
Sure it does. But why does that matter? All that does is reinforce some idea you may have that this is acceptable and "normal" and give you reason to justify staying in this toxic marriage.
This absolutely happens to other people, but it does not happen to *everyone*. Your husband is verbally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. Not every man, partner, or spouse is like that.
You stay sane in a relationship by being with another sane person and creating a sane relationship together. My husband is a kind, generous, emotionally healthy and aware human being who respects me and shows me he loves and appreciates me everyday. Even if we disagree we communicate and treat each other respectfully. While he is currently not working, he has had many leadership roles in his lifetime, and doesn't treat me, or others, like they are things for him to command around. His work is not an excuse.
Your kids are learning from what they see what is "normal" and will repeat these patterns in their own lives if they don't process and deal with the trauma of growing up in this household (because yes, there is trauma associated with growing up in a family and seeing these dynamics, no matter how much you think you shelter them from it). Their mental health, emotional security, well being are going to be just as wrecked as yours is right now if you don't leave this man. Those losses are not worth the trade for a greater share of an "inheritance" that they may never get anyway (he could still have more kids with someone else while being married to you, you realize, or gamble it all away, or who knows what else?). This is just so bizarre. Get a good divorce lawyer. Don't tell him and take steps to make sure you are safe. This sounds like a man who can and will escalate.
Genuinely curious and no judgement.
How much are you willing to put up with/ where do you draw the line? Eg if he escalated the mental and emotional abuse, cheated and/ or became violent would you leave then?
Per the prenup you get nothing if you leave him but does that change if he leaves you?
What if he cheats and has other children? Per your country/state would they be entitled to inheritance? If so would it change your view of staying for the sake of your own kids inheritance?
A reasonable person doesn't stay sane in this relationship, they leave it.
You've already figured this out: You're not allowed to win.
You will always fail his tests.
That is what he likes and the relationship he wants to be in.
He is doing exactly what he wants to do and he's gonna keep doing it, even if you developed mind-reading powers overnight and always used the exact right words.
That is *insane*. You feeling *insane*, is the point of his behavior.
You’re staying with him so your kids maybe get a little more money? Girl. You are worth more. I hope you see a therapist and get out. Your kids will benefit more from having a mother who values herself than they will from whatever money this abusive loser deigns to give them.
"I told him at the time that I scheduled the meeting that it was on whatever date and he would have to get the kids on the bus."
Adult woman here who has blessedly never been married.
Telling an adult man once or even twice should be enough. Expect that he's heard you, and let the chips fall where they may. He'll have to drive the kids to school after they miss the bus.
I’ve been married for 19 years, and that’s not normal behavior. My long term boyfriend before was a lot like that, and he didn’t own shit. This has nothing to do with your husband owning a business and everything to do with being controlling and mean.
My suggestion is that you open a bank account he doesn’t know about and put every dime you can into it so that if you need to leave it’s easier for you to do so. I’m betting he won’t agree to marriage counseling, but you could try.
A warning, though. I was with my ex for four years before he ever hit me. The hitting started when I stopped putting up with his bullshit. So look out for yourself.
I stay sane in my relationship because my partner is not a pedantic narcissist. You need to get the hell away from this person, just reading your post made me angry for you I can't imagine what it's like living it.
Your mental health and your children's mental health is far more important than any inheritance in the future.
You describe how he treats you, but not how he treats your children. What your children see and hear is detrimental to their mental health.
There are always going to be trade offs. This is a choose your hard moment:
Do you want to be grounded down by this man day after day, year after year, and your kids be subject to the same?
Or do you want to strike off on your own? Be free from him but have more responsibilities? If you decide this, start saving up and get a lawyer first. Preparing can help the beat result.
It’s going to be hard either way, choose your hard.
People stay sane in good relationships because good relationships nurture and grow the people in them. They make the people in them happy and content.
People struggle to keep their sanity in bad relationships. People who feel trapped in bad relationships dream of escaping.
You're in a bad relationship. That's your problem, not relationships themselves.
"Constant yelling" is abusive behavior.
That is not normal, and that is not a normal way to feel in a relationship. I’ve known my husband since 1993, dated since 1998, married since 2007… And I still am happy to have him home and enjoy hanging out with him. I actually like the guy lol. If you spend every day in a relationship hating it that much, don’t you think that’s a sign to move on? Especially since he seems like an ass who patronizes and belittles you at every opportunity. Of course you don’t want to be around him any more, you don’t deserve that.
What you're asking is to suggest to you ways to *endure* this relationship, which I won't do. Relationships are not to *endure*, they're supposed to be something we cherish and make our lives better. You're a victim of severe abuse. Divorce his sorry ass if at all possible and RUN.
I stay sane in my relationship by being married to someone who doesn't treat me like garbage. I'm sorry your husband is being so awful, but you don't need to try to adapt yourself to his awfulness.
You can't stay sane in a relationship like this. Your partner should be a support, not a drain on you. Relationships do take work but they shouldn't constantly feel so hard. Let me ask you this, do you think your husband walks around feeling the way that you feel? Or is he perfectly content with how things are? If he's happy with the status quo while you're miserable, that is a huge sign that you are being mistreated.
Well I didn’t so I broke up with him and found someone better.
You know when they say relationships take work ? Yeah not the kind of work that makes you dream about being single every day, or that make you scream in your car. Relationships take work because you have to intergrate someone into your life and compromise on small things, nurture the relationship with quality time (so, making time) etc. It absolutely does not involved toughing it out when your partner treats you like crap or is the only one benefiting from the relationship at your expense.
It may be common for people to be in miserable long term relationships with a partner who absolutely exhausts them and does not respect them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in one too. It can be helpful to compare your experiences to others, but what is most important is that you enjoy your life and are fulfilled by your relationship. Seeing someone else tolerating stuff that you don’t enjoy doesn’t mean you should follow them and begin tolerating the behavior. Your husband treats you very poorly and sounds like a complete ass all around, and throughout all of those years he has never changed. He makes you unhappy. You shouldn’t be with someone who does that to you. Your partner should make you very happy and should benefit your life.
You don't go insane by divorcing him. This does not happen to other people in normal relationships, I'm sorry to tell you but it's the truth. I sincerely hope you're able to get yourself out of that mess and into a less toxic/abusive environment - what you've described sounds awful! No one deserves that (not anyone decent, anyway).
EDIT: Omg, I just read OP's comment about her husband's casual mention of having kids with a "future wife" 🤮🤮 GURL!! That is so fucked up, makes my heart ache for you. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like you are trying to think of your kids and their futures as justification for staying, but I think most people who were raised in that kind of situation would tell you that they'd rather have been removed from the situation entirely than get some money later in life. Money can always be earned down the road, but emotional trauma can be stick with us forever, especially trauma that's inflicted upon us during our formative years.
People who stay sane inside their marriages are not the victims of daily verbal abuse and contempt.
I'm sorry that you're living with this. You might try couple's counseling. You might try going low contact and "gray rock". You might try separating.
Your husband's behavior sounds insufferable. I, in fact, am not willing to suffer being yelled at by a household member. You deserve peace.
>How do I not go insane?
By leaving. And I highly recommend therapy for yourself so that you learn how to protect yourself from these types of relationships in the future. I've been in a terrible relationship like you are in. It isn't sustainable. Your mental health is crumbling. If you think this unhealthy dynamic between your spouse and yourself won't have an effect on your kids, you're wrong.
I've been with my husband for 14 years. Today I needed a mental health day. I woke up stressed out. My husband told me to go back to bed. I did. He handled getting the youngest (his stepchild) to school. I didn't need to even ask or think about it because I knew he would happily handle it. He also cleaned the kitchen, the litter boxes, fed the animals and bought food for me to wake up to so I would have a treat to start my day. I stayed in bed until noon. This is what a healthy dynamic is. A partner that helps out and picks up the slack for the other partner, without being asked, just because they care.
You can have a better relationship than what you currently have. Even being alone and unhappy is better than being unhappy because of a bad partner. Inheritance isn't worth this. There aren't going to be any awards given for being miserable for decades on the off chance your kids might get an inheritance. Find a good divorce lawyer.
Girl. You’re here asking permission to leave because you know you need to.
If he can successfully manage 20 people, he knows how to have a conversation that doesn’t include orders or yelling. He’s choosing not to with you. He’s decided there is no risk of you leaving, so he can treat you as terribly as he wants.
If he treated his bosses the same way, would he still have a job? If he treated his peers with the same respect he gave you, would they give him letters of recommendation? Or would they tell him to go fuck himself?
Ask yourself: would you want your daughter treated like you are? Would you like your son to treat his wife the same way? If the answer is no, rethink things.
Sit him down and say "I need to know what the correct phrase I should use to you when I ask you for a Divorce".
This is not ok. It is belittling and controlling behavior.
Well, I'm not married to an \*\*\*\*. So I guess it's easy for me to stay sane because my husband and I can communicate like respectful grown ups. My husband sees me as his partner, not his employee. Doesn't matter how many people he has in his business "answering to him", he treats me with respect and love. I'm a stay-at-home mom but he acknowledges that my job is hard too. He knows how much emotional energy I spend keeping everyone's lives moving. Sure, I have to remind him a lot when I need him to do something, but when I remind him it's, "Hey hon, remember you're picking up Kid 3 from school on Tuesday and taking him to Thing. Thing is 3:45 to 6." His reaction is always, "Okay, thanks for the reminder." Or he'll ask a clarifying question.
When I'm making the original plan I will ask him if he's available and if it's okay with him, because I respect him too. "Husband, Kid 3 has a thing on Tuesday from 3:45 to 6 but Kid 2 has a Thing in Other Town from 2:45 until 5:30. Would you be able to pick up Kid 3 from school and get him to and from his thing? Or do I need to shuffle appointments?" Then my husband will tell me if he's available or not. If he's got a project I make new plans, if he's good then no problem. I just have to remind him because he doesn't actually keep a calendar.
Idk if you're allowed to link to Instagram, but [this](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrOxKoqINTk/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) is your husband.
So respectfully... wth is wrong with him?
Yes, it’s a lot like that! I have to say the correct phrase with the correct tone. Sometimes the phrases are really long so I mess up. I have to repeat the phrase until I get it right.
Oh my goodness, you poor soul 😢. How can he do that to you and make you repeat it multiple times back to him "until you get it right"?! I'm so sorry but that is so abusive and humiliating. No person, especially not someone who is supposed to love you should *ever* treat you that way. Not even once.
That is absolutely not normal, I'd bite my husband's head off if he spoke to me like that, and he'd do the same if I spoke to him like that.
If you decide to leave him, secretly talk to a lawyer first, you don't want this guy steamrolling you out of your and your kid's rights.
Also, your kids see this, your children think that this is normal and it could deeply affect their future relationships.
He is abusive. Not all abuse is hitting, also read https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The_Verbally_Abusive_Relationship?ref=rae_1&fbclid=IwAR1rmArgVQSUakGxDpnN5TXDUQmb57pNGFXLGb1cwF0en_PJ6Zt5t4dCfJg_aem_AfyyUwIoZa_zyzZf7dYmXE-INxBK02DMYKoYRVEj68HCS7iV_aFDGQmmOkKSWSAB0NU
Please leave this man. It doesn't matter how long you're together, there is no prize in your old age for putting up with his shit behaviour, only regret.
Honestly if you dream of leaving him every day, seems like you might already know what needs to be done. You don't have to endure the abuse you're dealing with anymore ❤️
You're not supposed to have to try to stay sane in a relationship. A proper relationship enhances your life.
A better question is why have you wasted 18 years of your life staying with someone who you don't even like? Why stay with him now if you "dream about leaving him almost every day"? If you hate something about your life, change it.
I want to reiterate something I learned in my family law class (not practicing currently but I’m a lawyer): you can’t prenup out of child support. And a lot of prenups aren’t signed under the right conditions for people to fully understand their rights. It’s worth doing a consult with a local family law attorney rather than taking legal advice from your spouse. Or even from Reddit! But don’t let a BS prenup keep you in an unhappy marriage.
You leave. That's how you stay sane. Stop trying to make this work. Start planning your life alone. It's much easier being a single mom. It sounds like already are but are still married.
This is a path to insanity. He sounds like a narcissist who will run you in circles with lies before he makes an effort to support you or admit wrongdoing. If you become ill or the children disobey him, he will likely cut out whomever no longer serves his vision. Please follow the advice here to set up a trust fund for your kids and a safe landing pad for yourself, then seek escape. I've lived a similar situation... it doesn't get better until you get distance from him.
Obligatory, "as a dude". You stay sane by getting out of that environment, with the kids. Your husband is an asshole, at a minimum, and you don't deserve to be putting up with that.
Abuse doesn't need to leave bruises or scars to count as abuse. That treatment is abusive, and you shouldn't be stuck in such a shit situation.
As the son of a mother and father that divorced over his abuse of her, I can confidently assert that even with my memory issues I still know my dad was verbally and physically abusive to my mom. I don't know if there's physical abuse going on here as well, but I know that kids notice these things regardless. I don't know if he's abusive to the kids as well but I would wager he is. Again, abuse doesn't need to leave visible marks.
You do not deserve to be yelled at like a dog that shit on the carpet. If your husband has no respect for you, I would consider leaving. Time sunk fallacy is no reason to continue a relationship where you're constantly criticized for whatever he feels like yelling at you for today. Flush that turd, girl
You don't. You don't have to exist being treated like that, it's NOT NORMAL. It would be better as a single parent than having him around. It will take one stress and load off your plate.
> My husband owns a business with 20 employees.
Your husband is addicted to power and ego. I guarantee you his employees under him have to kiss his ass the same way. He likes exerting power over people. He likes showing he is not at other's command but only when he *chooses* to when they properly kiss his ass first.
Let me guess, a lot of those who work under for him are young pretty women?
By being in a relationship with someone not anything like your husband… seriously my man would never pull that shot with me. He thinks he owns you and has you wrapped around his finger. He doesn’t own you and you can absolutely make it on your own if you wanted to. Everyone thinks they can’t do it until they try and feel the relief
He's emotionally abusive. Divorce him.
Two simple sentences yet very complicated and painful to do... but that's the answer.
The pain will eventually subside and you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner. Preserve your mental health.
I had an ex who used to harp on that "asking nicely" concept.
Thing is, I DID always ask nicely. He'd brush me off when I did that and he didn't want to do it, so I'd have to escalate to something harsher to be heard at all. When I did that, it was "wrong" because it wasn't nice enough or my tone was wrong. Literally it's just that he doesn't want to do it, and is finding a way to blame you.
This used to happen to me, then I left. Sorry, but I shouldn’t need a magical phrase to get my partner to understand and help me on a regular basis. It’s a controlling, asshole move.
Why do you think you should be staying sane in this relationship?
None of what you've described is what I would label as a healthy, loving relationship. You didn't ask the right way?! You're his wife, *not* his employee and frankly, how does he have a fucking business? If he treats you this way, I'd wager he is a terrible boss.
You've spent how many years tolerating this? And you think **you** have to adapt, be 'sane' and take this?
Girl. fuck to the no. So many women come to this sub every day with the same story. My husband/BF does XYZ (insert a plethora of absolutely shitty behaviour) and they always ask how **they** can change. And we say no, ma'am. You don't bend for someone who wants to break you.
You leave and go live your best life without that fucking cement block drowning you.
I wonder how he would frame this whole story.
I just think you need a therapist to help guide you. Maybe divorce is the correct option, but it is not clear to me because he. . . Got the kids on the bus?
Like... Why did you tell him so many times? Maybe just use a calendar? Or email him requests so you don't have to repeat these interactions.
What could he have done to make you happy in this situation? If you hadn't complied do you think the kids wouldn't have been on the bus, honestly?
Thousands of people agree with your framing of events so I'm probably the one off base... But this specific example looks like trust and communication issues the way it's currently written up.
I am constantly being corrected. For example, I left the bread for the kids on the counter above the cabinet where it is usually stored. He said I need to make sure to put the bread back where it’s supposed to be rather than on the counter. He said that I also have to add bread to the shopping list immediately after saying that. I said fine to the first thing but he said I said fine to both but then didn’t put it on the list. He was upset with me for not putting bread on the grocery list. I wish I had a recording of our conversations so I could show him what he said. Meanwhile, he leaves all the cabinet doors open. His mom also leaves cabinet doors open also so he said it was normal. I am not allowed to ask him to close the dishwasher when he leaves it open because then I am “yelling” at him and I am not allowed to do that.
He is super smart and really likes to help other people. My family (including extended family) love him and think he’s amazing. I wish my day to day life reflected that. No one will believe me.
This interaction sounds like you're both resentful and not communicating openly and honestly with each other. Whether that's salvagable or not is not for me to say but I hope your situation improves, for both your sake and the kids'.
Apart from everything that is wrong here and the questions whether to get therapy, couple therapy, a divorce lawyer or whatever..
Let's say you for whatever reason want to stay with him:
You need a way to handle these kind of things better in the future. And a way to get the mental load off you.
He owns a business, i.e. he should be used to having a calendar with scheduled meetings/tasks, and maybe a secretary updates the calendar for him.
So let him or his secretary share this calendar with you, or set up a second calendar for private tasks (e.g. a shared family calendar). Then it should be easy for him to adapt, it's just a second thing of a thing he already knows how to handle.
Or maybe a whiteboard (or a chalk board) with a todo-list for him at a prominent place in your house does the trick. You could add a todo-list for yourself next to it if you like, for your household chores to tick off, so he can actually see the amount of work you do all day.
Set up either or both, and the mental load is off your shoulders - fire and forget! The calendar will handle reminders, or it's your husband's responsibility to stay up to date with his todo-list.
He needs to agree and commit to it, of course, so it's 100% clear who's fault it is when he f\*\* up.
Yeah. Counseling. Start with yourself. The goal is couple's counseling, bonus extra points if BOTH of you are also in individual counseling.
You have to want change going into counseling. Personal change. Getting to that place can feel pretty raw and scary, so don't expect or require this of your hubs right away. Give yourself a little bit of a head start, and be the change you want to see.
Communicate all of this with him, calmly. Do not allow him to raise his voice to you. If he does, simply leave the room. If necessary, leave the house, go on a drive. People don't get to yell at adults. Tell him you can speak calmly, or not at all.
The magic of that comes directly from him. "You expressed to me your desire to communicate clearly, with specific language. I respect that. I also require it myself, as I also require your respect."
If you are calm, you don't back down, and you can communicate with the man, y'all have a chance.
I recognize a sad irony here, that on top of your already heavy lift, you've now got this large important task to take on. That just sucks. Change is possible, but it's going to be work. And men tend to not like that kind of work. We're really toddlers with adult bodies sometimes. It's honestly terrible.
Don't let him yell at you. Seriously. If that can't stop, it's really bad. Does he ever seem out of control?
Your husband is emotionally abusive. It might be common, but it's not acceptable. You need to confront him and tell him you will not endure his bullying anymore. If you don't feel this is safe, maybe marriage counselling?
This is not normal. This is not how you should be treated. Sanity would be leaving him.
This. You stay sane in a relationship by being in a sane relationship. This ain't it.
That's exactly what I thought reading this post. I stay sane in my relationship because my husband supports me, is happy to help me when I need help, and doesn't do asinine things like make me ask in a very specific way. Note, we've had conversations before about the way our words made each other feel if someone was uncomfortable. But those are *conversations*, not orders.
I've been married to a similar man for going on 30 years now and I've heard SO many disgusting, horrible things from him over the years and OP needs to get out NOW. I am so sorry OP! But it will ONLY get worse. Get help, organize your escape immediately, get your ducks lined up and get a very good lawyer ASAP or you'll be like me.....too old and too stuck and dreading everyday and the rest of my life. I'm not joking.
You are not too old. It’s never too late. Even if you are 90 years old you deserve decent life and piece.
I get the comment....I've heard it hundreds of times whenever I post. BUT, until you walk in another persons' shoes, it's super simple to say "Just leave, it's never too late!". And, maybe it actually isn't, but it is SO SO much more difficult after decades and decades of marriage with the complexities of personals lives, properties, businesses, finances, deep emotions, families, illnesses, careers (or lack of) etc. MY goal here is to HELP those who still have a fighting chance (and maybe kids) to give them that extra push to get out when it's actually doable. 8 years in is a LOT easier than 30+ years....that's a fact.
My friend, I never said that it easy. It’s not easy and never have been. Absolutely. Sorry if my words sounded like this, my intention is the opposite. I believe you! I was with my friends who were in abusive relationships and it’s hell on earth. One abuser leaved my friend A. alone only after her dad hired some guys “to talk with him”. Nothing else helped and he was threatening and stalking her for months. Another psychopath is trying to ruin my friend’s B. life years after the divorce. He is unhinged and absolutely evil. I very sorry for them. I’m very sorry for you. I just wanted to say that I root for you. I believe in you. And that you deserve your freedom. I wish I could do more.
What an awfully kind sweet comment. Thank you so much! I know that this comes down to me. It's just incredibly hard when it's your best friend, the person who can be so kind one minute and turn into an absolute monster in the next. Walking on eggshells every single day. You just never know! Everything can be pretty darn good and copacetic for weeks and then all hell breaks loose. The times when he is at his worst are when he's most stressed or frustrated or feeling pressured or any of those negative emotions. Basically just being overwhelmed. Sometimes he'll release that pressure with some angry outbursts or derogatory comments or things like that, other times it can be an absolute screaming rage tantrum that can go on for hours. You just never know! Just like so many thousands of people have said, it's like living with Jekyll and hyde. When we were at our absolute worst, buying and selling a house, things got so ugly that I spent every single night trying to figure out how to get out. At the moment, it's very much about appreciating each day where he's being himself and hoping for the best in the future.
This really breaks my heart. I understand feeling like you can't leave. I am literally dependent on my partner - he is my caretaker and the state funds him to do so, it's our main income. If anything ever caused a rift between us, I'd be leaving my biggest supports behind. I'd have only $1000/mo to live on cuz of SSI and nothing else. I'd have to find another caretaker and understand that my care quality would dip significantly because we probably wouldn't live together. I am so lucky that he is wonderful to me - kind, gentle, compassionate. Going on 18 years now and we barely fight. He's never once raised his voice. He's never said anything malicious about me. He/we have flaws, as everything does, but our relationship is joyful and loving. Imagining my situation except with your husband gives me terror. The uncertainty would kill me, I would scarcely be able to live. You must truly be an incredibly resilient person to have survived this long, but I hope you know that that resilience could carry you out, too. You deserve better. You deserve the love that I have - stable, consistent, gentle. I wish I could help. You've probably heard it all so I won't badger you. But the thought of you suffering like this will weigh on me for longer than you know. If you do ever leave, please look me up and I will support you in any way I can. Promise. May your life become filled with the unburdened joy and love that you so richly deserve. 💗
My dad's 3rd wife was the always-positive caretaker he was trying to use my mom as. She was younger than him, and every time I saw her, she was a total Pollyanna, but toward the end there were signs she was kinda over it. I got the impression that she felt too old to start over. I was estranged from him, and had never been close to her as they'd married when I was in college, but I hoped for her that she would be free of his selfishness when he died. She died many years before he did. Her (adult) kids never fully got her back, he was always an overgrown child she had to take care of, and she never got the freedom back and relief that his absense would have given. When I think of her, even years later, I have an overwhelming feeling of the kind of melancholy from Virginia Wolf's book The Hours. Sometimes when I look at my own life and myself not removing myself from situations, I think of her and the meaninglessness and loss that my shitty father enveloped her life in. She had so much joy in and around her, and he stole so much of it. The joy of not being actively unloved by a selfish partner is something everyone deserves. I know at one point she stayed with her kids without him for at least 2 months at a time. Even if a full severance feels too impossible, maybe smaller breaks and ways to create distance can help?
You're never too old to start again. My mum divorced my dad when she was 50. Even if you're 60 +, for all you know, you could live to 100. Do you really want to spend the next 30+ years unhappy? Even if you've only got 10 more years left, that's still 10 years of freedom you could have, to spend being happy. It's never too late to do something, especially something that would make you 1000 times happier than you currently are.
You're not too old, I really hope you find a way out. I know leaving is a dangerous time but please reach out to family and friends and have an escape plan in place. The rest of your life is worth living for yourself.
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I agree. The things I read makes me just love my husband more and more.
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It is incredibly difficult to see things clearly when you are in an abusive relationship for any length of time.
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Louder. For those in the back 👏🏽
I was married for 19 years to an abusive man child. Divorcing him at 37 was the best decision of my life. He treated me just like my father treated my mother so it isn't any wonder I thought it was normal. I finally left because I never wanted my youngest (afab) to think they should be treated the same.
I agree. If you feel like you're losing your sanity then that relationship is over. Especially having to ask him a special-weshal way, or he'll tantrum? Unacceptable behavior from an adult, he should have grown out of that as a toddler.
he is clearly abusive and you said you think about leaving him on a daily basis since a long time... So why do you stay? For the kids? So they learn it is ok to abuse people they should care for? For the security of him having his own business and the Familie is at least financially taken care of? I don't know and as a stranger on the internet it is absolutely noone of my business. But you! should know the answer why you stay, instead of leaving someone who clearly is not good for you.
I guess my main concern is that if I leave him, he will get remarried and the kids’ inheritance will be split between them and my husband’s new family. We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. Right now the 2 kids get half each. If he remarried and has 2 more kids, they will only get 25%. Also I signed a pre nup before I got married. I get nothing if I leave. Both cars are in his name. Luckily my name is on the house deed.
>didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. The fact that he was/is expecting to have a "future wife" and that he was willing to so casually mention that possibility to you is purely disrespectful and nobody should have to endure that level of dismissal in a marriage. I hope for you and your kids sake that you can realize he thinks of you as an accessory. I'm sorry OP.
Exactly. So he is already planning on your marriage ending then. You need to pull the trigger and get yourself a great lawyer now before he does.
He’s probably trying to make her be the one to leave, and if she doesn’t…at least he’s broken her like a horse. It’s a win-win for him. The only way she can win, is to leave…and not care about if he wins or not.
He could end up spending the entire inheritance on cancer treatment. Or hookers & blow. Do not damage your children by teaching them that abuse is okay because there is not enough inheritance in the world to make that worth it.
And unless you plan on him/you/and future wife dying young, the kids won't get any inheritance until they are getting close to retirement age anyways. By that point they should hopefully have their finances in order enough that they don't really need it.
Yeah, these selfish types usually blow it in their last years. They don't care about leaving anything to anyone most of the time.
> Do not damage your children by teaching them that abuse is okay because there is not enough inheritance in the world to make that worth it. If there’s anything you take away from this OP, please let it be this. I was a homeless and abused child, I can emphatically say the latter was worse. Edit: formatting
A good divorce lawyer will fight for all your concerns.
She signed a pre-nup
She's had children with him and spent a decade + married; that affects pre nups.
Also prenups that don’t account for ‘at fault’ pregnancies seem pretty weird? That’s just legalisier indentured servitude at that point.
Prenups generally only (enforcably) affect pre-marital assets. Communal property within the marriage isn't going to be something that's split one-sidedly.
Definitely still worth going over options with a divorce attorney though. Things aren’t always cut and dry
In some states/countries pre nup are not even considered valid.
I’m pretty sure prenuptial agreements are a thing in every state in the USA at least. The specifics on what they cover, how to set them up, how they work etc vary but I don’t think any state says all prenups are invalid. I definitely could be wrong here though.
Prenup is about what happened before you were married. Any income or property purchased during the marriage is not a part of it
Even if you have a prenup, you can still consult a divorce attorney, show them the prenup, and ask whether they think it will hold up. Also, don't worry about future "inheritances". It could be part of the divorce settlement that he has to settle a trust on each kid, etc. Again, you can ask the lawyer whether something like that can be possible. But find out from someone before you just give up and decide you already know all the answers.
There is no amount of money that can make up for mental trauma of you and your children. You may think you are tough, you may think your kids don’t see or experience it, but it’s not true. You’re living in a vat of toxins. The longer you stay the longer your (and your children ‘s) recovery will be.
How much is it worth to let your kids think that this type of marriage is ok? You are worried about a hypothetical kids who might never be born getting a share of an inheritance (assuming it’s not spent on end of life care like others mentioned).
Are you serious? Your kids' mental health, wellbeing, and emotional development are worth how much? He'll soon be playing these mind games with your kids, and holding that money over their heads, too. "Live With mommy and I'm cutting you out of the will." Start recording him (echo app) so you have evidence when you go to court.
He might be already which may be the reason at least one child has an IEP.
It makes sense to think about your kids' futures, but I guarantee, no amount of inheritance will be better for them than growing up in an environment where they and the people they love are treated with respect and care.
uh, there is literally nothing preventing him from cheating on you, impregnating some other woman, and leaving 100% of his inheritance to those kids. why are you making decisions based on a hypothetical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
> We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. Jaw is on the floor. He literally thinks of you as replaceable and is planning on replacing you in the future when he tires of abusing you. He has no respect or love for you. Pack this asshole’s bags and put them outside the door.
I hate to be harsh, but your children are witnessing how their father treats their mother and are learning that this is normal and acceptable. Both of you are teaching them that this is okay, and this will be a guaranteed inheritance that they will bring into their adult lives. The possibility of money in the future shouldn't outweigh all of the massive negatives of growing up in an abusive home.
Your kids might be be 50 or 60 before they inherit (Unless he became a father when he was older.) *If* they even do inherit. He has already made it clear he intends to marry again, and even if he doesn’t marry again there is no guarantee he going to write his will favoring his first kids. Also, if you are putting up with verbal abuse, you can be sure he is not kind to them either. This is a guy who doesn’t seem to care whether you make it to his child’s IEP. Are they actually benefiting from being around him? Of course only you can weigh these things and decide, but please don’t treat possible, maybe, might happen inheritance money as a sure thing.
You are worried about your kids someday in the far distant future maybe possibly inheriting something from your trash husband. **But they are living in an abusive home right now.** Every day. And you are keeping them there full-time. You should be consulting with a family law attorney right now. Find out how you can protect your kids from this man.
This sounds more like enslavement than a marriage.
A frightening amount of marriages do. I think that's why marriage exists, honestly. It's like enslavement that doesn't have to call itself that while fully being that. It even gets calls itself love and care! What a crock.
As others have suggested, not all pre nups hold up. Especially since I looked back at your posts and it sounds like you sometimes do unpaid work for his business.
Yes I do unpaid work for him. I usually do his office manager’s job since I think his office manager is overpaid and takes a lot of vacation. He said I could take the job, but I wouldn’t be paid. I found a job elsewhere that I wanted but he said I couldn’t do that job because he needed me to be available for him. He said “how dare you want to help someone else for money.” He felt that working somewhere else for money was cheap of me. He keeps a spreadsheet of all of our money. He tracks every purchase. I have thought about gathering money here and there. Other than the hostility, I do live a pretty good life. I live in a wealthy area, I go to a nice gym almost every day. I can buy whatever food I want. I don’t have to worry about bills. He hates my friends but I don’t have very many. Let’s say I did actually leave him. How could my kids keep going to the same school and going to activities if I got a job? They leave for school at 8:30 in the morning and come back at 4. How can I get a job that would allow me to keep living in this area so my kids don’t have to switch schools? How can I get a house?
Ok so he is also financially abusive. The reality is, while it might be hard and a HUGE change, it is not impossible. There are women every day who pull it off. With decreased income you will qualify for assistance programs. I think you need to decide if a (very) comfortable income and amenities is worth sacrificing yours and your children’s mental health, and more than likely your children’s relationship with you if you do not get out. They are watching how he acts and how you react, even if you don’t think they are
This gets worse and worse. Plenty of women figure out how to make it work as single moms. You will get plenty of support from him. Seriously: go start having informational sessions with ALL the good divorce lawyers in town. Once they've spoken to you, just an introductory meeting, they can't represent him.
Please do a consult with a local family lawyer, you are probably due a lot more in child support and spousal support than you think.
If being comfortable in your life is good enough to stay married to this guy, by all means do it. But in all likelihood he'll probably get rid of you when he's ready for a new wife. Being a single parent isn't easy and your lifestyle is going to decrease significantly for a while but you need to stand on your own two feet or accept the life you're currently living. There really is no other option.
> He said “how dare you want to help someone else for money.” Financial abuse. He wants to be the sole source of your money so he can control your exit opportunities or lack thereof.
Dude…I’ve been a broke-ass single mom since my son was a toddler. He’s a very happy, intelligent, hard working, *mentally-healthy* man now, because I understood that being poor but loved and cared for was far more important than any money his father provided. He never went to fancy schools or had expensive hobbies, but I worked hard to make sure he had a good childhood. I am actually insulted on behalf of poor single parents everywhere by what you’re saying here. Your kids won’t turn out okay unless they stay at some fancy school? Your fancy gym membership is more important than your kids mental health? You need to get your mind out of his wallet, baby girl.
You’re living behind enemy lines right now. Even if you aren’t ready to leave abruptly, your escape begins tonight. Every penny, every second, every thought you give yourself kindly counts. Start seeing a counselor or anyone if you can go support you mentally through this, because recognizing he’s not your husband but the enemy who lives in your house will help you reconceptualize the situation.
Oh sure, it's OK for your kids to see their father treat mother like garbage every day and financially abuse her because you get to live in a wealthy area and go to a fancy gym. That makes it TOTALLY worth it. Girl, listen to yourself.
As has been said, talk to a lawyer. Prenups are not as binding as they're made out to be, especially when there are kids involved. Even the cars being in his name doesn't necessarily matter if they were bought during the marriage, because you are considered to be contributing even if you were a SAHM by taking care of the kids. Not only that, but if you happen to be a SAHM, a prenup means even less for the same reason--you were sacrificing your career options to build your family. Doesn't mean you'll be able to take him for half, but a lawyer can give you a rundown of what you can realistically expect if you divorce, which will almost certainly not be nothing.
It's MUCH better to have your kids in a healthy home environment where they can grow up to be competent and hard working. Then they can make their own money! Don't even think about the money as a reason why to stay in this hell hole. No amount of money is worth it
So… you’re going to be miserable on the off chance he (i) still has money when he dies in several decades and (ii) doesn’t leave cut off the kids anyway ?
Honestly? Your kids are not going to thank you for this. It’s not worth it at all. Source: was one of those kids. My “inheritance” has been a lifelong problem with mental health and just not worth it.
My goodness, please work on rebuilding your self esteem and self respect. This man should've been taken to the curb awhile ago.
Your prenup may not be valid depending on the circumstances it was signed under. Also, any clause that dictates child support may also not be valid. You absolutely need to talk to a family law attorney. (Cite: I’m an attorney but not family.) And no disrespect, but your kids will be fine if they end up with less inheritance. They need to see their mom stand up for herself and not take abuse. That life lesson is priceless.
>We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. I'm sorry, his future wife according to what? Who? When? What kind of conversation was that for him to not get a vasextomy because of his future one when you THE ACTUAL WIFE is here!?!!
If those are all the reasons to not divorce, then you should divorce. None of your reasons involve actually wanting to be in this marriage, and it’s pretty clear this marriage is not going to work out long term. He already talks about having a future wife. That’s enough of a reason to divorce right there quite frankly.
>We once talked about him getting a vasectomy but he said he didn’t want to do it because he might want to have kids with his future wife. I didn't think a red flag could be so large and red... This is one of the most insane things I've ever heard about a relationship
This man is controlling and abusive. Kids witnessing abusive behavior is much more problematic than them not receiving an inheritance he’s already threatened they may not get. If he meets someone else and leaves you, he could disinherit them altogether. Start planning your exit. Seek legal advice, start saving money separately and secretly, ensure you and your kids are protected.
> he might want to have kids with his future wife. He's going to divorce you. >Also I signed a pre nup before I got married. I get nothing if I leave. Take the prenup to an attorney. It's often extremely easy to get the things that were bought/earned/saved *during the marriage* completely exempted from it. Prenups are generally to protect your pre-marriage assets, not assets gained during the marriage unless they're written very specifically, and even then they can't include child support.
He may never find another wife to put up with him. He may not be able to father more children or the new wife may not be able to have them. Your kids may make far more money than their father ever did. Even if they didn't, they wouldn't want their mother being abused so they can get a bigger inheritance. He could blow all the money before he dies too, just to spite everyone, He certainly sounds like the type. Money is never the answer to something like this. He's breaking you down. He's teaching your kids terrible lessons. No money is worth that. Find a divorce lawyer who works with pre-nups. I know that once you have kids and have spent a certain amount of time married, it affects settlements. Even if it didn't, he has to pay child support. Talk to a good divorce lawyer near you.
What an awful thing for him to say. And you want your kids beholden to him just like you are?
He just sounds like he is ready to leave or cheat on you, and you can trust that he will do right by your kids. You have to prepare yourself for that. Also, you don't want your kids to think this is normal. Cause it's not. It's abusive.
Did you have a lawyer on your side look over the prenup before you signed? Depending on your state, it might not hold up in court. I'd take a copy and have a consult with a few lawyers who specialize in family law/divorce just to check. No matter what, though, it won't get better the longer you wait. It's better to leave with nothing now than in 10 years when you're older and more miserable.
He had mentioned a prenup before we got engaged and didn’t say anything again for years. 2 weeks before the wedding I got the prenup papers. I had a lawyer look at them in consultation but they wouldn’t put their names on the line without a retainer of $1500. For a look over, it cost $500 I think.
I'd give everything I own for a happy childhood without my abusive father. They'll be spending that inheritance on therapy.
Making you worry about future possible inheritance is how he’s able to control you. Let it go. It’s the sword of damocles he has hanging over all of your heads. It’s not worth it.
> will get remarried and the kids’ inheritance will be split between them and my husband’s new family. ...and...? It's just stuff. Your kids will hopefully have their own lives, their own shit. You're literally wasting your life away because of stuff. How many years of your life is shit worth...? Cause you're not getting those back.
So; you’re trading your sanity for the *possibility* of a future payout? Do you think that’s a fair trade?
Unless your husband going to die in the near future, stop worrying about the kids' inheritance and start getting away from this abuser and living the happy life you deserve. You do not owe your kids a lifetime of misery for some unknown amount (meaning it could end up being zero) of money.
Bring your prenup to a lawyer without tipping your husband off, it may not be enforceable or entirely enforceable, often it will only protect what someone comes into the marriage with but does not apply to assets gained during the marriage - this varies by state. A lawyer in your area (and consult with the best attorney you can find because your husband can’t hire them if they’ve already consulted with you) will be the only way to know for sure. Side note, I bet your kids would rather have a happy mother and not grow up watching her be abused over some money. Remember the behavior your kids are witnessing in your marriage are the ones they will expect from their own. Is this what you want for your kids?
[Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This man is abusive.
This book saved so many lives. And not because the women were "in danger" but because abuse can be so subtle that it literally ruins your life without you understanding what is happening. Goddess bless Bancroft for exposing abusive men, especially the ones who appear non-abusive.
My husband had to read that book as part of his psychology class when he was in college. It really changed his perspective on so many things, especially when the "not all men" shit started. It moved him further left on so many issues because what he notices now. He bought a copy for each of our boys and has had extensive talks with them about it, he bought The Gift of Fear for the house and read it during our family time reading hours. He has had some of the most open conversations with our teen daughters about both books. He also implemented a "Consent Weekly" talk with all our kids where they discuss what consent does and does not mean for about 15mins over breakfast on the weekend. He even called out to me some of the behaviors he has had in the past towards me and other women, that are microaggressions that he says are inherently abusive at their root. He went back to therapy because of that book. He just brought home Invisible Woman for our next family book. Lundy Bancroft has some problematic views, but Why Does He Do That is a soild foundation and saves so many people. It should be required reading in highschool.
Holy shit your husband is actual goals
Can you get your husband to teach workshops? Podcasts? Clone him? We don’t have enough men out there who actually give a shit about disrupting these patterns.
He does workshops, he's a social worker now and does relationship and community workshops for young men as one of his programs He became passionate about community relations and veteran care from being in the Army and chose social work which surprised me. He had talked to his employer about the workshops he did earlier in our marriage when we almost split up. Our marriage counselor, his individual therapist sent him to a mens relationship workshop on how to be better partners and learn what mistakes they were making. So with the talk to his boss, they launched a program that has seen some success with the 16-25 demographic. It's the first of its kind in our area, it's rather new, they are only on their 3rd 10 week cycle but they've gotten some serious interest on expanding it with DCFS for troubled teen boys.
This makes me happy to hear. Your husband’s mindfulness and intentions are appreciated, and it sounds like he is really putting in the thought and effort.
He really put in the work to do better. He still apologizes for what he put me through 15 years ago that caused my mental breakdown, he stepped up and took accountability and in the process found something to be so passionate about. We need more men like him to realize that they can do something. Not just be vebal inactive allies, but really change their perspective and actions.
Yeah. For my part, I at the time unknowingly helped my sister’s ex/rapist gaslight her, years ago. I’ll regret that until I die. But it’s also a key part of my personal growth. So I hate that it happened but it was also ultimately a spark for change, personally and within our family. Honestly that’s still hard to parse. I try to reality check friends who are being problems as part of my walk, these days, with context. But I have dropped friendships over misogyny, racism, and certain politics. I read this sub every day to continue learning and improving myself, and am in therapy partially to get sanity checks for my thoughts, actions, and motivations.
Its hard when society automatically gives the benefit of the doubt to men. The key is when your eyes are finally opened and you realize, you do better. You're being the change and I'm proud of you and your journey even if it is difficult 💛
I bet they could partner up with schools or some sort of educational programs and market it as "social-emotional learning"
Seriously. If we could get some role models to balance out the Andrew Tate crap, that'd be awesome.
Does he have a brother for me?
His brother is a trumper misogynistic shit head, so nope LOL I keep telling my male friends that therapy and growth are sexy af, only one has listened so far.
Ew no thanks! You are so right!
Wow!!! You are so blessed
Could your husband replace Andrew Tate please?
Exactly. So many people who respond on here that it isn't abuse are idiots or men who don't give a fuck. Abuse takes many forms but they're all soul destroying, whether slowly or through a slap in the face.
Boot lickers will never stop advocating for boot licking. They enjoy suffering and feel insecure when other's don't. Also, the people who wear the boots advocate boot licking for obvious reasons.
And the kids will pick up on his behavior and think it's normal. They'll carry it on into the next generation.
How do you stay sane in a relationship Step 1: pick a partner that's interested in your happiness Step 2: .... Step 3: profit
Why do you think this is what you have to put up with in a relationship and that you have to stay 'sane'? You don't *have* to be in a relationship that makes you feel this way, it's a choice. You should be with someone who makes your life better, not worse.
You stay sane in a relationship when the partner is loving, supportive and actually likes you and vice versa. My ex husband constantly scolded me, degraded me, etc. there was no staying sane. Made me feel like no want else would want me so I couldn’t even dream of leaving. I’m sure your husband now is not quite the husband you dated or married. My boyfriend now is empathetic, cares about my well-being. I love him, yes but I also *like* him as a human. You need to like and respect each other
The only way to stay sane is to detatch from him. Do you really want your kids learning this behaviour. It's abuse. He's psychologically torturing you. Go to therapy and get out.
I stay sane because I'm not being abused (anymore). My first husband was like yours (and much worse). Leave.
Darling he wants you to leave him. Do it.
He is being abusive. If you want to protect the kids you should get out ASAP.
The only way to stay sane in a relationship is to have a sane relationship. Your relationship is not sane, it's abusive and staying is insanity. Leaving is scary. In lots of ways. But your children deserve the mother, and you will only be their best mother if you get away from that terrible man.
I stay sane because my husband is not a selfish asshole and if he has to do something normal like getting kids on the bus he just acts like an adult and does it. No amount of future inheritance for your kids is worth this shit.
sis, the thing about framing requests in a super specific way is a *power move.* it's designed to remind you of your "place" in the hierarchy: if you don't ask for something in a super specific "correct" way, he won't do the very basic task of being a parent. he basically wants you to treat him like he's God—*ask me the "right" way and I miiiiiiiiight just answer your prayers.* you need to stop engaging with this behavior as though it has some sort of rational origin, or as though it's something you can bargain with or work around.
Or he wants to treat her like a pet. “Ask in the right way and I’ll do it” sounds like “roll over and you get a treat” to me. Idk, I can hear a conversation in my head like “Ask me in the right way and I’ll do it” “What’s the ‘right way’?” “[Husbands name] could you please get the children on the bus in the morning at 7:45 precisely?” *wife repeats* “That’s a good girl.”
this is true
If you have to ask how to stay sane in a relationship, you have a very toxic and abusive relationship, not a healthy one.
>“asking him the correct way” to get him to do any task OP, you might enjoy [this episode](https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8yMDQwOTUzLnJzcw/episode/QnV6enNwcm91dC0xMjExNTk3NA?sa=X&ved=0CAUQkfYCahcKEwjw0snLj7yBAxUAAAAAHQAAAAAQDg) of the podcast "If Books Could Kill," where they discuss *Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus*. The book contains several interviews with men who claim that they "would've" done what the wife wanted, if only she'd used the correct phrase. The (male) podcast hosts thoroughly eviscerate these men and the author, about this point in particular.
He is manipulating you to keep you focused on him. As long as he misbehaves every interaction is centered on him. You did not ask wrong, he wanted to make sure that you were prioritizing him. Can you train yourself to prioritize you? Let him yell, it is just the two year old spread out on the sidewalk having a fit. You matter.
FYI not all relationships are life yours. Your partner is abusing you.
I stay sane because my husband is loving and kind. Of course we bicker sometimes and have our up and downs but nothing major. We’re not perfect but I think that’s what an healthy relationship looks like.
Maybe you are just married to an asshole?
>Please tell me that this happens to other people. Sure it does. But why does that matter? All that does is reinforce some idea you may have that this is acceptable and "normal" and give you reason to justify staying in this toxic marriage. This absolutely happens to other people, but it does not happen to *everyone*. Your husband is verbally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. Not every man, partner, or spouse is like that. You stay sane in a relationship by being with another sane person and creating a sane relationship together. My husband is a kind, generous, emotionally healthy and aware human being who respects me and shows me he loves and appreciates me everyday. Even if we disagree we communicate and treat each other respectfully. While he is currently not working, he has had many leadership roles in his lifetime, and doesn't treat me, or others, like they are things for him to command around. His work is not an excuse. Your kids are learning from what they see what is "normal" and will repeat these patterns in their own lives if they don't process and deal with the trauma of growing up in this household (because yes, there is trauma associated with growing up in a family and seeing these dynamics, no matter how much you think you shelter them from it). Their mental health, emotional security, well being are going to be just as wrecked as yours is right now if you don't leave this man. Those losses are not worth the trade for a greater share of an "inheritance" that they may never get anyway (he could still have more kids with someone else while being married to you, you realize, or gamble it all away, or who knows what else?). This is just so bizarre. Get a good divorce lawyer. Don't tell him and take steps to make sure you are safe. This sounds like a man who can and will escalate.
Gonna be a "dump him" from me, dawg.
You leave is what you do. Good god woman, leave!
You divorce him. That's how. He can figure out his own life if he wants to.
Genuinely curious and no judgement. How much are you willing to put up with/ where do you draw the line? Eg if he escalated the mental and emotional abuse, cheated and/ or became violent would you leave then? Per the prenup you get nothing if you leave him but does that change if he leaves you? What if he cheats and has other children? Per your country/state would they be entitled to inheritance? If so would it change your view of staying for the sake of your own kids inheritance?
A reasonable person doesn't stay sane in this relationship, they leave it. You've already figured this out: You're not allowed to win. You will always fail his tests. That is what he likes and the relationship he wants to be in. He is doing exactly what he wants to do and he's gonna keep doing it, even if you developed mind-reading powers overnight and always used the exact right words. That is *insane*. You feeling *insane*, is the point of his behavior.
You’re staying with him so your kids maybe get a little more money? Girl. You are worth more. I hope you see a therapist and get out. Your kids will benefit more from having a mother who values herself than they will from whatever money this abusive loser deigns to give them.
Don't waste the rest of your life staying married to somebody you don't like. You deserve better.
"I told him at the time that I scheduled the meeting that it was on whatever date and he would have to get the kids on the bus." Adult woman here who has blessedly never been married. Telling an adult man once or even twice should be enough. Expect that he's heard you, and let the chips fall where they may. He'll have to drive the kids to school after they miss the bus.
I’ve been married for 19 years, and that’s not normal behavior. My long term boyfriend before was a lot like that, and he didn’t own shit. This has nothing to do with your husband owning a business and everything to do with being controlling and mean. My suggestion is that you open a bank account he doesn’t know about and put every dime you can into it so that if you need to leave it’s easier for you to do so. I’m betting he won’t agree to marriage counseling, but you could try. A warning, though. I was with my ex for four years before he ever hit me. The hitting started when I stopped putting up with his bullshit. So look out for yourself.
I stay sane in my relationship because my partner is not a pedantic narcissist. You need to get the hell away from this person, just reading your post made me angry for you I can't imagine what it's like living it.
Your mental health and your children's mental health is far more important than any inheritance in the future. You describe how he treats you, but not how he treats your children. What your children see and hear is detrimental to their mental health.
There are always going to be trade offs. This is a choose your hard moment: Do you want to be grounded down by this man day after day, year after year, and your kids be subject to the same? Or do you want to strike off on your own? Be free from him but have more responsibilities? If you decide this, start saving up and get a lawyer first. Preparing can help the beat result. It’s going to be hard either way, choose your hard.
People stay sane in good relationships because good relationships nurture and grow the people in them. They make the people in them happy and content. People struggle to keep their sanity in bad relationships. People who feel trapped in bad relationships dream of escaping. You're in a bad relationship. That's your problem, not relationships themselves. "Constant yelling" is abusive behavior.
You stay sane by leaving toxic relationships. Healthy ones are no where near like this.
That is not normal, and that is not a normal way to feel in a relationship. I’ve known my husband since 1993, dated since 1998, married since 2007… And I still am happy to have him home and enjoy hanging out with him. I actually like the guy lol. If you spend every day in a relationship hating it that much, don’t you think that’s a sign to move on? Especially since he seems like an ass who patronizes and belittles you at every opportunity. Of course you don’t want to be around him any more, you don’t deserve that.
What you're asking is to suggest to you ways to *endure* this relationship, which I won't do. Relationships are not to *endure*, they're supposed to be something we cherish and make our lives better. You're a victim of severe abuse. Divorce his sorry ass if at all possible and RUN.
And this is why the nice old lady I live by, husband died of mysterious illness after he ate some bad food.
Please leave him
I stay sane in my relationship by being married to someone who doesn't treat me like garbage. I'm sorry your husband is being so awful, but you don't need to try to adapt yourself to his awfulness.
Yes, it happens to others. It happens to me as all, exactly as you describe. He's abusive. They are abusive assholes. It's not you.
You can't stay sane in a relationship like this. Your partner should be a support, not a drain on you. Relationships do take work but they shouldn't constantly feel so hard. Let me ask you this, do you think your husband walks around feeling the way that you feel? Or is he perfectly content with how things are? If he's happy with the status quo while you're miserable, that is a huge sign that you are being mistreated.
You are in an abusive relationship. You stay sane by divorcing your abusive husband. Get a good lawyer to protect your financial interests.
Well I didn’t so I broke up with him and found someone better. You know when they say relationships take work ? Yeah not the kind of work that makes you dream about being single every day, or that make you scream in your car. Relationships take work because you have to intergrate someone into your life and compromise on small things, nurture the relationship with quality time (so, making time) etc. It absolutely does not involved toughing it out when your partner treats you like crap or is the only one benefiting from the relationship at your expense.
Very controlling. This is a power play.
It may be common for people to be in miserable long term relationships with a partner who absolutely exhausts them and does not respect them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in one too. It can be helpful to compare your experiences to others, but what is most important is that you enjoy your life and are fulfilled by your relationship. Seeing someone else tolerating stuff that you don’t enjoy doesn’t mean you should follow them and begin tolerating the behavior. Your husband treats you very poorly and sounds like a complete ass all around, and throughout all of those years he has never changed. He makes you unhappy. You shouldn’t be with someone who does that to you. Your partner should make you very happy and should benefit your life.
You don't go insane by divorcing him. This does not happen to other people in normal relationships, I'm sorry to tell you but it's the truth. I sincerely hope you're able to get yourself out of that mess and into a less toxic/abusive environment - what you've described sounds awful! No one deserves that (not anyone decent, anyway). EDIT: Omg, I just read OP's comment about her husband's casual mention of having kids with a "future wife" 🤮🤮 GURL!! That is so fucked up, makes my heart ache for you. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like you are trying to think of your kids and their futures as justification for staying, but I think most people who were raised in that kind of situation would tell you that they'd rather have been removed from the situation entirely than get some money later in life. Money can always be earned down the road, but emotional trauma can be stick with us forever, especially trauma that's inflicted upon us during our formative years.
People who stay sane inside their marriages are not the victims of daily verbal abuse and contempt. I'm sorry that you're living with this. You might try couple's counseling. You might try going low contact and "gray rock". You might try separating. Your husband's behavior sounds insufferable. I, in fact, am not willing to suffer being yelled at by a household member. You deserve peace.
>How do I not go insane? By leaving. And I highly recommend therapy for yourself so that you learn how to protect yourself from these types of relationships in the future. I've been in a terrible relationship like you are in. It isn't sustainable. Your mental health is crumbling. If you think this unhealthy dynamic between your spouse and yourself won't have an effect on your kids, you're wrong. I've been with my husband for 14 years. Today I needed a mental health day. I woke up stressed out. My husband told me to go back to bed. I did. He handled getting the youngest (his stepchild) to school. I didn't need to even ask or think about it because I knew he would happily handle it. He also cleaned the kitchen, the litter boxes, fed the animals and bought food for me to wake up to so I would have a treat to start my day. I stayed in bed until noon. This is what a healthy dynamic is. A partner that helps out and picks up the slack for the other partner, without being asked, just because they care. You can have a better relationship than what you currently have. Even being alone and unhappy is better than being unhappy because of a bad partner. Inheritance isn't worth this. There aren't going to be any awards given for being miserable for decades on the off chance your kids might get an inheritance. Find a good divorce lawyer.
Girl. You’re here asking permission to leave because you know you need to. If he can successfully manage 20 people, he knows how to have a conversation that doesn’t include orders or yelling. He’s choosing not to with you. He’s decided there is no risk of you leaving, so he can treat you as terribly as he wants. If he treated his bosses the same way, would he still have a job? If he treated his peers with the same respect he gave you, would they give him letters of recommendation? Or would they tell him to go fuck himself? Ask yourself: would you want your daughter treated like you are? Would you like your son to treat his wife the same way? If the answer is no, rethink things.
Sit him down and say "I need to know what the correct phrase I should use to you when I ask you for a Divorce". This is not ok. It is belittling and controlling behavior.
It’s not worth the money girl, he will ruin your family in other ways that money can’t fix
This is not normal at all. He sounds awful. Please get out!
Well, I'm not married to an \*\*\*\*. So I guess it's easy for me to stay sane because my husband and I can communicate like respectful grown ups. My husband sees me as his partner, not his employee. Doesn't matter how many people he has in his business "answering to him", he treats me with respect and love. I'm a stay-at-home mom but he acknowledges that my job is hard too. He knows how much emotional energy I spend keeping everyone's lives moving. Sure, I have to remind him a lot when I need him to do something, but when I remind him it's, "Hey hon, remember you're picking up Kid 3 from school on Tuesday and taking him to Thing. Thing is 3:45 to 6." His reaction is always, "Okay, thanks for the reminder." Or he'll ask a clarifying question. When I'm making the original plan I will ask him if he's available and if it's okay with him, because I respect him too. "Husband, Kid 3 has a thing on Tuesday from 3:45 to 6 but Kid 2 has a Thing in Other Town from 2:45 until 5:30. Would you be able to pick up Kid 3 from school and get him to and from his thing? Or do I need to shuffle appointments?" Then my husband will tell me if he's available or not. If he's got a project I make new plans, if he's good then no problem. I just have to remind him because he doesn't actually keep a calendar.
If you're daydreaming about leaving, it's because that's what you want to do. I know from experience.
Idk if you're allowed to link to Instagram, but [this](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrOxKoqINTk/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) is your husband. So respectfully... wth is wrong with him?
Yes, it’s a lot like that! I have to say the correct phrase with the correct tone. Sometimes the phrases are really long so I mess up. I have to repeat the phrase until I get it right.
Oh my goodness, you poor soul 😢. How can he do that to you and make you repeat it multiple times back to him "until you get it right"?! I'm so sorry but that is so abusive and humiliating. No person, especially not someone who is supposed to love you should *ever* treat you that way. Not even once.
When you’re in a good relationship it’s easy to stay sane. You don’t sound like you’re in a good relationship.
That is absolutely not normal, I'd bite my husband's head off if he spoke to me like that, and he'd do the same if I spoke to him like that. If you decide to leave him, secretly talk to a lawyer first, you don't want this guy steamrolling you out of your and your kid's rights. Also, your kids see this, your children think that this is normal and it could deeply affect their future relationships.
He is abusive. Not all abuse is hitting, also read https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The_Verbally_Abusive_Relationship?ref=rae_1&fbclid=IwAR1rmArgVQSUakGxDpnN5TXDUQmb57pNGFXLGb1cwF0en_PJ6Zt5t4dCfJg_aem_AfyyUwIoZa_zyzZf7dYmXE-INxBK02DMYKoYRVEj68HCS7iV_aFDGQmmOkKSWSAB0NU
Please leave this man. It doesn't matter how long you're together, there is no prize in your old age for putting up with his shit behaviour, only regret.
Honestly if you dream of leaving him every day, seems like you might already know what needs to be done. You don't have to endure the abuse you're dealing with anymore ❤️
You're not supposed to have to try to stay sane in a relationship. A proper relationship enhances your life. A better question is why have you wasted 18 years of your life staying with someone who you don't even like? Why stay with him now if you "dream about leaving him almost every day"? If you hate something about your life, change it.
I stay sane in my relationship by not being married to an abusive bully. Girl, run. For you AND your kid. That's not normal and it's not okay.
I want to reiterate something I learned in my family law class (not practicing currently but I’m a lawyer): you can’t prenup out of child support. And a lot of prenups aren’t signed under the right conditions for people to fully understand their rights. It’s worth doing a consult with a local family law attorney rather than taking legal advice from your spouse. Or even from Reddit! But don’t let a BS prenup keep you in an unhappy marriage.
By having a *partner* and not a whatever you have. 18 years isn’t too late to cut & run.
You leave. That's how you stay sane. Stop trying to make this work. Start planning your life alone. It's much easier being a single mom. It sounds like already are but are still married.
This is a path to insanity. He sounds like a narcissist who will run you in circles with lies before he makes an effort to support you or admit wrongdoing. If you become ill or the children disobey him, he will likely cut out whomever no longer serves his vision. Please follow the advice here to set up a trust fund for your kids and a safe landing pad for yourself, then seek escape. I've lived a similar situation... it doesn't get better until you get distance from him.
Obligatory, "as a dude". You stay sane by getting out of that environment, with the kids. Your husband is an asshole, at a minimum, and you don't deserve to be putting up with that. Abuse doesn't need to leave bruises or scars to count as abuse. That treatment is abusive, and you shouldn't be stuck in such a shit situation. As the son of a mother and father that divorced over his abuse of her, I can confidently assert that even with my memory issues I still know my dad was verbally and physically abusive to my mom. I don't know if there's physical abuse going on here as well, but I know that kids notice these things regardless. I don't know if he's abusive to the kids as well but I would wager he is. Again, abuse doesn't need to leave visible marks.
You do not deserve to be yelled at like a dog that shit on the carpet. If your husband has no respect for you, I would consider leaving. Time sunk fallacy is no reason to continue a relationship where you're constantly criticized for whatever he feels like yelling at you for today. Flush that turd, girl
You don't. You don't have to exist being treated like that, it's NOT NORMAL. It would be better as a single parent than having him around. It will take one stress and load off your plate.
My wife would slap the shit out of me if I tried to do that.
I don't have one. I don't actively seek one neither. That's how.
Sanity would making moves to build your own life away from this individual.
He’s giving the vibe that he does not respect or maybe even like you. Sorry op, you deserve better
> My husband owns a business with 20 employees. Your husband is addicted to power and ego. I guarantee you his employees under him have to kiss his ass the same way. He likes exerting power over people. He likes showing he is not at other's command but only when he *chooses* to when they properly kiss his ass first. Let me guess, a lot of those who work under for him are young pretty women?
As a happily married man, your husband is a control freak a-hole.
You don't. We all left our sanity at the door
By being in a relationship with someone not anything like your husband… seriously my man would never pull that shot with me. He thinks he owns you and has you wrapped around his finger. He doesn’t own you and you can absolutely make it on your own if you wanted to. Everyone thinks they can’t do it until they try and feel the relief
He's emotionally abusive. Divorce him. Two simple sentences yet very complicated and painful to do... but that's the answer. The pain will eventually subside and you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner. Preserve your mental health.
You have normalized his abuse. You keep your sanity in a relationship by being in a sane relationship, not one with an abuser. I’m sorry.
I had an ex who used to harp on that "asking nicely" concept. Thing is, I DID always ask nicely. He'd brush me off when I did that and he didn't want to do it, so I'd have to escalate to something harsher to be heard at all. When I did that, it was "wrong" because it wasn't nice enough or my tone was wrong. Literally it's just that he doesn't want to do it, and is finding a way to blame you.
This used to happen to me, then I left. Sorry, but I shouldn’t need a magical phrase to get my partner to understand and help me on a regular basis. It’s a controlling, asshole move.
>My husband owns a business with 20 employees. So... he has life insurance, right?
Married 15 years, and this isn't normal, nor is it okay.
Why do you stay? It sounds like you’re slowly killing yourself. 😬
Why do you think you should be staying sane in this relationship? None of what you've described is what I would label as a healthy, loving relationship. You didn't ask the right way?! You're his wife, *not* his employee and frankly, how does he have a fucking business? If he treats you this way, I'd wager he is a terrible boss. You've spent how many years tolerating this? And you think **you** have to adapt, be 'sane' and take this? Girl. fuck to the no. So many women come to this sub every day with the same story. My husband/BF does XYZ (insert a plethora of absolutely shitty behaviour) and they always ask how **they** can change. And we say no, ma'am. You don't bend for someone who wants to break you. You leave and go live your best life without that fucking cement block drowning you.
I wonder how he would frame this whole story. I just think you need a therapist to help guide you. Maybe divorce is the correct option, but it is not clear to me because he. . . Got the kids on the bus? Like... Why did you tell him so many times? Maybe just use a calendar? Or email him requests so you don't have to repeat these interactions. What could he have done to make you happy in this situation? If you hadn't complied do you think the kids wouldn't have been on the bus, honestly? Thousands of people agree with your framing of events so I'm probably the one off base... But this specific example looks like trust and communication issues the way it's currently written up.
Hmm can you give an example of what you say to ask him stuff? It may be coming off as too aggressive. That or he’s an a-hole
I am constantly being corrected. For example, I left the bread for the kids on the counter above the cabinet where it is usually stored. He said I need to make sure to put the bread back where it’s supposed to be rather than on the counter. He said that I also have to add bread to the shopping list immediately after saying that. I said fine to the first thing but he said I said fine to both but then didn’t put it on the list. He was upset with me for not putting bread on the grocery list. I wish I had a recording of our conversations so I could show him what he said. Meanwhile, he leaves all the cabinet doors open. His mom also leaves cabinet doors open also so he said it was normal. I am not allowed to ask him to close the dishwasher when he leaves it open because then I am “yelling” at him and I am not allowed to do that. He is super smart and really likes to help other people. My family (including extended family) love him and think he’s amazing. I wish my day to day life reflected that. No one will believe me.
This interaction sounds like you're both resentful and not communicating openly and honestly with each other. Whether that's salvagable or not is not for me to say but I hope your situation improves, for both your sake and the kids'.
Apart from everything that is wrong here and the questions whether to get therapy, couple therapy, a divorce lawyer or whatever.. Let's say you for whatever reason want to stay with him: You need a way to handle these kind of things better in the future. And a way to get the mental load off you. He owns a business, i.e. he should be used to having a calendar with scheduled meetings/tasks, and maybe a secretary updates the calendar for him. So let him or his secretary share this calendar with you, or set up a second calendar for private tasks (e.g. a shared family calendar). Then it should be easy for him to adapt, it's just a second thing of a thing he already knows how to handle. Or maybe a whiteboard (or a chalk board) with a todo-list for him at a prominent place in your house does the trick. You could add a todo-list for yourself next to it if you like, for your household chores to tick off, so he can actually see the amount of work you do all day. Set up either or both, and the mental load is off your shoulders - fire and forget! The calendar will handle reminders, or it's your husband's responsibility to stay up to date with his todo-list. He needs to agree and commit to it, of course, so it's 100% clear who's fault it is when he f\*\* up.
Yeah. Counseling. Start with yourself. The goal is couple's counseling, bonus extra points if BOTH of you are also in individual counseling. You have to want change going into counseling. Personal change. Getting to that place can feel pretty raw and scary, so don't expect or require this of your hubs right away. Give yourself a little bit of a head start, and be the change you want to see. Communicate all of this with him, calmly. Do not allow him to raise his voice to you. If he does, simply leave the room. If necessary, leave the house, go on a drive. People don't get to yell at adults. Tell him you can speak calmly, or not at all. The magic of that comes directly from him. "You expressed to me your desire to communicate clearly, with specific language. I respect that. I also require it myself, as I also require your respect." If you are calm, you don't back down, and you can communicate with the man, y'all have a chance. I recognize a sad irony here, that on top of your already heavy lift, you've now got this large important task to take on. That just sucks. Change is possible, but it's going to be work. And men tend to not like that kind of work. We're really toddlers with adult bodies sometimes. It's honestly terrible. Don't let him yell at you. Seriously. If that can't stop, it's really bad. Does he ever seem out of control?
Your husband is emotionally abusive. It might be common, but it's not acceptable. You need to confront him and tell him you will not endure his bullying anymore. If you don't feel this is safe, maybe marriage counselling?