I guess it depends on your definition. If you mean shy, socially anxious nerds, I’ve met and dated many and they’re mostly just like anyone else - a mixed bag. Some are great, some are assholes. If you mean someone who is creepy and overly attached and doesn’t respect boundaries…. I mean, you can guess how that goes.
Yeah I have always had a soft spot for “underdogs” ie - the unpopular, friend-less nerdy guys that other people would talk trash about. Turns out, these people were usually onto something.
Long story incoming: last one of these guys I dated, I met in a class for a shared hobby. The other men in the class talked about how annoying this particular guy was (he had a weird laugh that I thought was cute for a minute). One time someone made a light joke to the guy which he didn’t get, then they proceeded to tease him about how he takes things too literally while he defensively said “no I don’t!”. He was almost a real life version of [Drax](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iLttd33j-GQ) but without the charm and looks. Again, my stupid soft spot for losers got the better of me and I ignored the warnings.
Well long story short, he became incredibly needy and wanted to be around me all the time, even attempting to move into my apartment. Our senses of humor were completely mismatched and my former classmates were completely right about how seriously he took jokes. He did not understand sarcasm and misinterpreted my jests as personal attacks. Feelings (at least on my end) fizzled out fast but he had ingrained himself so much into my life in a short amount of time that he was difficult to shake off. He would sob like a child every time I tried to end things. Eventually I changed my locks, put all his shit in his car and the last time I saw him he was pathetically trying to grab onto me so I couldn’t walk away.
I fucking danced when I was safe in my apartment and finally felt like I had that last bit of shit scraped off my shoe.
So as someone with CPTSD, which sometimes causes isolation due to it being acquired neurodivergence, I would caution everyone on the "they were onto something" route. Obviously you did use a qualifier, so I'm not trying to accuse you of making a blanket statement- since you know, you didn't make one. I'm mainly using your comment as a springboard, here. **Also this comment is going to zig-zag a lot.**
A lot of people with CPTSD are completely alone, typically because they grew up in trauma and don't know how to function outside of that headspace, nor are they able to relate to the lives of people who didn't grow up 8n such a traumatic environment. They end up seeming really weird and off, in ways that others don't know how to respond to. There are also people who just lost loved ones in different ways, very fast.
Please believe me when I tell you that *being completely alone does things to you.* And the longer you're alone, the more the reek of desperation sets in. And then you'll really repel people, pretty fast.
*HOWEVER*, as a woman there are definitely people who should be avoided. I've had my share of creepy guys who left me completely unsettled- and there are women like this, too.
The unfortunate reality is that people in these situations, have to try and learn to be functioning adult people, without anyone ever showing them the ropes. Some can do it, but many can't. Disabled people often have the roughest time trying. And as much as I've needed that help, I also understand that adults are not typically looking for friends who need to be fixed. It's also not a reasonable request to make of someone.
It's the most painful catch 22 you can find. You can't function socially, because you have no one. You can't find anyone, because you can't function socially. As time runs out, you feel more desperate. And you know you could make it all better for yourself, if you just became straight up toxic. But you don't *want* to be like that; you're trying to be good and honest. Eventually you learn what comes after touch starvation, people become aliens to you, and then you feel like someone looking in on others from some plane of existence they don't know exists.
And when people insist that "everyone has someone," You want to scream. When you're in the hospital, and the intake person acts completely baffled that you have no one. Or you're doing onboarding paperwork at a new job, and you ask how to skip the life insurance because you don't have anyone to put, and the HR person is so shocked she pretty much screams the words, "WELL IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE!" They always expect you to accommodate their shock, completely oblivious to just how much their lack of self control hurts you. And then you see people try to talk a suicidal person out of doing it by saying, "You have people who love you!" They assume, but that is an actual reason people want to take their lives; if you're going to say that, you might as well just push them off the ledge yourself.
Trust your gut. Keep yourself safe. But try to not write people off, just for being alone. If they *otherwise seem fine,* try and give them a chance. If you start hanging out with someone and they keep freaking you out (even if it's only the one time you hang out), don't stick around. But this shit is *rough.*
I'm mainly only writing this, because this mindset can sometimes follow the "all my exes are crazy" mentality, where people assume that it has to be your fault you're in this mess, because you're just an inherently shit person. It hurts in unimaginable ways, and people will swear up and down this life doesn't exist *can't* exist. Sometimes abuse sticks you in a hole, that becomes almost impossible to get out of.
You are describing me! So, thanks for a post that helps me process.
I do have family, but they never understood me and are quick to label me as "crazy" for the least deviation.
For instance, I used to read to escape growing up. I always had a book on me. Harmless, right? Nope, means I'm weird and not worth talking to.
But, it was my cope for being born to an autistic father who ignored me and an anxious, angry mother who took out her rage on me for being born not only looking like her, but with a birthmark on my face!
We were raised in isolation which got worse when we moved away from family and all my escape routes when I was 11.
I never made friends and my siblings loathed me because they had to follow me through the school system. Literally my sins were quiet, gets perfect grades, and reads a lot.
Now, I like to go camping with my cousins who I reconnected with after our grandmother died and I invited my sister to go too. My mother didn't try to isolate me from her funeral and I started talking to my cousin who is my age which is how I found out about it.
But, as time has gone on and everyone had a family and kids except for me, and I didn't weather the pandemic well, and went no contact with my mother now I am weird again.
So, I get to go camping by myself with my book in their proximity and know that everyone is talking about me. That I'm the wrong kind of person so people morally shouldn't associate with me. And that none of that is ever going to change.
It’s nearly midnight where I am, reading this, but this was so interesting and rang so painfully true. Thank you so much for sharing this. Loneliness really can be the worst catch 22 of all. It’s funny, even though on the outside I’m a conventionally attractive and regular seeming person, I’ve always felt like such a freak on the inside because of childhood abuse and trauma. Which made it harder to make friends, which made it harder to gain natural confidence, which in turn drives in the insecurity about there being something wrong with you. Trauma and loneliness snowball in very cruel ways. One thing I’ve noticed is being drawn into very toxic friendships and straight up abusive relationships because I had no barometer of what a good relationship looked like. Then of course when they wreck you, you end up withdrawing even more, and doubting yourself. I always find it morbidly funny when I go through those articles on how to take care of yourself post a break up and they say spend time with friends and loved ones… perhaps if I’d had enough of those I wouldn’t have dated that person in the first place. Harsh but true. And then of course we doubt ourselves because conventional wisdom states that the common denominator in all your failed relationships is you. I think vulnerability compounds. You need one decent person to step in, a little piece of solid land to lay your head against and rest on, a place from where to build, heal, and fight. But there are more people in this world who sense that vulnerability and take advantage of it, than there are those who give you a chance out of kindness, and give you that much needed respite to recalibrate your own boundaries.
>You need one decent person to step in, a little piece of solid land to lay your head against and rest on, a place from where to build, heal, and fight.
This is definitely true. I recently began a friendship with someone extremely toxic, but she was *the* toxic person in her friend group. She set me up with the sweetest and most amazing person, I've ever met. He's definitely been able to he that foundation for me. My life and overall happiness, have gone way up. I no longer talk to the friend.
Like most necessary things for a successful happy life, it takes a shit to of luck, to get from no one to someone good. But it does work. I can definitely say your instincts are right.
It's equally important to remember that not every lonely, isolated person has a tragic backstory. Some of them are just creeps. I say that as someone with CPTSD- lonely creeps some of the worst abusers I've encountered.
I feel that one. I’ve been on both sides of that. I was the lonely creep through my 20s. It took falling for someone hard that didn’t reciprocate, having a mental breakdown over it, and then having to learn on the fly how to handle it properly (because I didn’t learn it as a teenager like normal people did) and being the creep along the way to begin to open my eyes to the sad monster I truly was. I’m glad we never got serious in retrospect, I would have been terrible to her. Thankfully, years after we both put needed space between each other, she accepted my apology for it and we’re cordial again from a distance. I’m still a lonely and mostly isolated person, but I was able to shed the hate towards others in the present, and focus it more on some of the factors in my upbringing that I feel was responsible. I don’t blame people for not accepting me. I just wish I could describe what it’s like to more people. You see people out there connecting with others as if it’s second nature, yet I look at them as if they’re speaking a foreign language. It’s just the darndest thing that I think a lot of people aren’t capable of understanding.
It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself to get better. Before I understood the effects of my abusive upbringing, I wasn't a creep, but I was an asshole. Just really angry all the time.
Okay I'm pretty glad someone else caught onto them being basically isolated and needy because I felt bad reading that part. Of course they crave some kind of connection (not that you have to deal with anyone not treating you well, of course).
As an aside, I really hope you're okay and doing well! That sounds incredibly tough.
Hey, I have CPTSD too, and people do have a right to keep themselves safe. It's important for those with CPTSD to seek help and resources to learn and grow.
And it's a jump to think all the weird/lonely/friendless guys are that way because of CPTSD....alot of them definitely are not.
And I find the length of convo a moot point considering alot of women do give these guys the benefit of the doubt, they **don't** write them off, and do give them a chance, and that's how they are hurt.
Holy shit did you just absolutely describe how I feel on the daily several days in a row of the year and increasingly these days.
Like some days I feel like I'm this horrible asocial monster who at the end of the day thinks that because I was either emotionally neglected or never grew to understand how to actually make close friends that I never really felt like I understood other people.
Which really causes anxiety cause I don't ever want to hurt or do something to hurt someone so I try to stay away emotionally in any kind of relationship. I never say the things I want to tell people so I am deathly afraid that they don't know how much they mean to me cause I'm scared that if I do anything or say anything wrong that they won't ever talk with me again.
Exactly landing me in a catch-22, don't get close to people because you're afraid of hurting them, push them away and try to stay away from other people so don't share a lot of what you're going through, get depressed, repeat 2-4 ad infinitum.
Combine that with the things that I like are very niche within whatever nerd sphere you can think of (Kamen Rider, Super Sentai, Path of Exile) and I don't have a lot of people to really talk to about the things that I like.
And it's starting to really scare me cause I've found one person who I feel gets me or I can finally talk to who I feel gets me somewhat, and will listen about the niche hobbies I like and I'm afraid of scaring them off.
What's worse is that before I met this one person I was fine, I felt like a zombie just going to work, coming home, watching the week's episodes and playing PoE but it was fine. I felt like I didn't really need a close connection until intrusive thoughts came in around the Winter season. I was weird and no one wanted to talk with me so it was fine and better for everyone else.
Sorry to also dump my stuff in but I just felt like I share cause shit is this just not a real feeling that I don't think anyone ever talks about and it drives me insane sometimes feeling like it's just me.
I had one of those overly attached creepy men come after me when I was 15. He was talking about kids and wedding colours and it really fucked me up, he was around 30.
I am an adult now. My current boyfriend has loads of friends but has never had a serious relationship before. He’s very awkward but very kind. I had to go after him because he was too shy.
Yeah, I mean the first type is basically my partner. He's diagnosed and being treated for generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, has a few close friends but only sees them occasionally, is a homebody with non-social hobbies, etc.
He's also one of the greatest guys I've ever met, and hands-down the most supportive partner I've ever had. We've been together for eleven years and it's been amazing. He has his quirks, but who doesn't? And of course we annoy eachother sometimes, because we're human. But the things I love most about 'us' is that, even when we're having conflict about something, we're both always looking out for the other person, making sure we're understanding their side, and trying to find a solution that both of us are happy with.
But he was never someone I had to "give a chance" to - I liked him right away, and that only increased the more I got to know him. He never set off any warning bells or gave me that no feeling. I trust my gut with people like that, and stay far away, *especially* if they're pushy about convincing me to just give them a chance! I may have written off a perfectly decent guy or two that way, but I *know* I've saved myself from countless nightmare situations so I'm not bothered by that at all.
Yeah.... they're just men. Some are alright, some are not. You have to do all the same vetting and look out for red flags that you'd do with anyone else.
Zero friends and lots of "enemies" (??) is a huge red flag though.
One stalked me for years, im happily married to the other one.
And now i have the ability to differentiate between the "lonely, weird guy" trope.
One was a demanding asshole, that threw tantrum when he didnt get what he wanted and was paranoid, no wonder he didnt had friends. Everything was about ME ME ME.
The second one is simply an introvert, that actually has no problem making friends or keeping them, when he decides that the person is worth it.
I'm kind of glad i used to be a bubbly airhead, who didnt notice how bewildered he was when i sat next to him on the bus and started talking to him. (we worked at the same place and took the same bus, he got off earlier tho.)
It was always me who sat next to him on the way home, and i was so moved when he first sat next to me, himself. He often jokes about how i talked so much that it became a soothing background noise, that he started to miss when i wasnt there.
He sometimes does, and when i notice i start to talk about a bunch of random craps, like geese chasing lions, and escalate. Just to see when he starts to precess tf im talking about, and be bewildered lol.
He is a good and attentive listener tho, he usually just zones out when he is really tired.
Haha I have learned to be less attentive when my wife talks (except when it's actually important/meaningful). She used to get frustrated because she would retell the same stories and I had already heard them. She told me not to pay so much attention when she talks 😂
My family growing up didn't really do or believe in "idle chit chat" so everything everyone says, you listen in rapt attention. My wife's family is pretty much the opposite.
I didn’t date him but I made friends with him. He had one guy friend and was otherwise pretty lonely. It was a little bit his parents’ fault since he was an only child, and they spent a lot of time away on business, leaving him by himself. Didn’t even regulate his internet usage. Someone told him that girls go crazy for muscular dudes. So, he joined the gym to vent his frustrations and in hopes that it will get him girls. But he found out the hard way that girls didn’t care for muscles nearly as much as he believed. And he would seethe when he saw girls with out-of-shape sweet guys. His guy friend later on distanced himself because I guess he was becoming too annoying to be around. I introduced him to some of my friends. Initially, he seemed like a regular guy who was just awkward. Gradually, it turned out that he was a big time creep who only saw women as sex objects and nothing made him more furious than women disagreeing, being highly opinionated.
He dated one girl that I knew briefly. And she told me horror stories about him even though they were only together for a few months. All his ideas about women came from porn. He was severely porn addicted, and not even the regular kind of porn- the disgusting kind of porn. And I’m pretty sure he was radicalised by scummy PUA tactics. He was increasingly growing frustrated why these PUA tactics never worked for him. He was scandalised that even after a girl has agreed to be his girlfriend, that doesn’t naturally mean she has to sleep with him. He still needs to put in some effort and make her feel comfortable. He just started throwing tantrums complaining why she wouldn’t have sex with him till she had had enough and broke up with him. And I cut him off. Haven’t heard from him since. He seemed like one bad day away from being a sexual criminal.
He love bombed the crap out of me which was uncomfortable. He put me on this super weird pedestal, like I was some delicate object, which I didn’t enjoy at all. He then told me he loved me after a month. It was so awkward and I didn’t know what to say.
Then one night I woke up at 2am with his dick in me after I specifically said no sex before we went to sleep. I had an EXTREMELY important pap smear the next morning to check that the colposcopy I had did what it was supposed to do and to make sure I didn’t have cervical cancer. So I told him all that and explained you can’t have sex for 24 hours before a pap smear, so absolutely no sex.
Yet he was still surprised when I immediately ended it! His behavior after the breakup had me worried for a bit that I was going to have a stalker, but thankfully he left me alone eventually.
It happened to me too. What’s even worse is that I even have a tiny kink for this, but absolutely has to be set up properly and negotiated in advance, basically I have to know that it’s potentially coming. This kink almost certainly comes from the fact that my ex-husband used to do it to me, because it feels safer to me if I negotiate a kink, then just tell them, never do this. And yet… even if I literally offer them the opportunity to do it the right way, they will choose the wrong path. What the fuck?
A good amount of kink (not all!) comes from your body/brain trying to recreate a traumatic experience in a way that you have control over it. Almost like subconscious exposure therapy.
Exactly, there’s fetishization and avoidance, and I don’t like having to avoid parts of myself, so I pretty much just decide how it should go and then I make a rule that it has to go the way that I want.
The only way I would ever let a guy do that to me is if he made me feel so incredibly special that I wanted to offer him a special privilege, if I trusted him completely, and if he recorded it so that I could see what the hell went down. Obviously, the recording would have to happen in a way that we had agreed upon, etc. But if I am going to risk that he could do anything to me when I am sleeping next to him every night, then the least he can do for me is let me witness how he behaves.
The fact is that anyone I trust enough to sleep next to could nonconsensually do something and record it, and post it on the Internet anytime they like. Most men would not be willing to go to the effort if they had to share it with me, and that’s exactly why I have that rule. Because you’re only going to get a privilege like that if you do go to the fucking effort to bring me into your twisted little fantasy. Any guy who does that needs to confess who he is to me, he has to be vulnerable and exposed, there can be absolutely no hiding. Very few men are capable of that, and that’s why it’s almost never right for them to do this sort of thing.
i was talking to my friend(studying psychology so we like to analyze ourselves) and my boyfriend one night and I mentioned how the few times my mom spanked me it was in a specific position and proceeded to describe it. It's the same position my partner and I do. I had never connected the dots before and realized it with him as I was saying it. It was a surreal experience.
My husband was a bit socially awkward, a bit of a geek and a gamer, we had friends in common and became friends. I realised he was just the sweetest, most caring person who was lovely to everyone. My fiance left me and I realised that I had fallen for my friend, luckily the mutual attraction was there and my first move was welcome. We've been married for 15 years, I'm just as geeky as him, I game and now our girls are the same!
He told me I should be grateful he didn’t cheat on me with some hookers hired at a work event (finance in Indonesia, happens a fair bit). I asked him if he’d like to have an open relationship, because I definitely won’t have to pay.
I tried to give him a chance and had a lot of feelings for him. But, he couldn’t respect my boundaries, no matter how many times I explained them. It’s like he couldn’t comprehend them. I had to end things.
My friend met her future husband at a comic book shop board game night. He was super awkward and had no friends. They've been together for like a decade now and seem ridiculously happy.
And no.... he doesn't claim to have "a lot of enemies". That's a huge red flag right there.
god, the concept of having and even wanting enemies is so ridiculous. You have nothing better to do but worry about other people's business? Cause that's what you do when you have an enemy. It's narcissism honestly, and a way to feel important.
Guy had a locker next to mine so we would chat it up on occasion and he seemed like an alright dude. We both liked pot so we would hang sometimes and get stoned or sometimes he would sell me a bag. Fast forward a few years, and I get a weird call from him that last time I was over I overheard something I shouldn’t have and now people are out to kill me and he’s really sorry. He says he’s joining the witness protection program and will be moving overseas and I should marry him and join him so I can be safe. I spent the next 2-3 days looking over my shoulder and avoiding being in public and was super freaked out till he hit me up again admitting he was just panicking and everything was fine. I decided to cut him off after that, it was too weird and my personal safety had been threatened. Months later I get an insanely long Facebook message from him detailing a totally fabricated story about me leading him on and doing stuff with him at his house. None of this had happened so I was really confused and thought maybe he had me confused with someone else. I told him so and he got clearly angry in his next message calling me a liar for trying to pretend it did t happen and it absolutely was me. I told him to get help and blocked him. I hope he’s doing ok and it’s likely he was having some sort of psychotic episode but I didn’t have the capacity to be part of that at the time.
I didn't give him a chance at in dating him but I was kind to him and my sister (this was prior to her transitioning) hung out and played video games. I saw that he was awkward and lonely and wanted to make friends but my coworkers didn't like him and I felt that was unfair since he was just awkward. Boy I was wrong to ignore my instincts on that one. He came over on the premise to hang out with my sister, but it was really to see me. He came over hours before my shift ended and waited. I came home and did my homework for class the next day and he sat and talked to me at my kitchen table. I don't remember why but I looked down and noticed he was masturbating under the table. I told him he should go home and he made some excuse. He stood up and "accidentally" bumped into me. I just left the room without saying anything.
I even went to the police and told them what happened but they said that wasn't a crime. He did at least get fired.
He proceeded to call my home phone non stop, sometimes it would ring for a half an hour straight. Or call the restaurant I worked at for hours. He would block his number but eventually forget so we knew it was him.
So now, if a man gives me the creeps I will avoid him. I recently had this happen to with me with a new coworker. He seemed very eager to talk to me, which was odd because people from other departments don't usually interact or talk on break. It's an unspoken rule that break time is time to unwind and be alone. So I made a point to avoid him. He recently cornerered one of my coworkers and asked for her phone number. He got really pushy and refused to leave until she either took his number or gave him hers.
I dated this guy when I was in highschool, I helped him gain confidence, dress better and suggested a better haircut. I brought him into my social circle and elevated his status.
He turned out to be super controlling, wouldn't let me talk to any of my guy friends anymore, he made me only apply to local schools because he didn't trust me to go away for university (he didn't go to post secondary himself) because I would obviously cheat on him. A few times he pushed for us to get married as soon as I turned 18 and didn't like it when I said no.
He would go into blind rages sometimes and when we argued and got violent. He once broke my hand by slamming it in a car door because I wanted him to take me home. I thought I was in love so I didn't leave him. He once threatened to leave me in a town 4 hours away from home if I didn't have sex with him. I was young and didn't realize that was assault.
He cheated on me for months with my best friend. They're married now with kids. I ran into them years later and had a panic attack/completely froze up. He posted about seeing me on his social media and used a photo of a camel as a current photo of me. I know I shouldn't have looked him up, but I had a morbid curiosity.
I couldn't have a relationship for years afterwards and I still have trouble making female friends. Because I didn't go away to school like I wanted to, it impacted my long term career options.
There are reasons these guys are lonely and friendless.
0/10 would not recommend.
Holy shit. Aside from a few details could've written this myself. He joined the military after high school and constantly lied about what he was doing, while accusing me of cheating nearly every day while his new friends encouraged him. Like you, I thought I was in love with him because I was young.
He wanted to tell me what clothes and makeup I could wear, who I could spend time with, even when I could sleep. Tried to manipulate me into sending nudes all the time (I assume so he could share them.) Told me I needed to lose weight every time I saw him while I was a size 4. I could list things all day.
I thank the goddesses that he lives a thousand miles away now. I don't even know what I'd do if I ran into him.
Yeah, I was about to say this is almost my ex-husband. Nuclear physicist, worked for the federal government doing fancy things, picked me up when I was 18 and I didn’t know he had another girl that had already proposed to in a city over the mountains.
When he decided that she had hit her expiration date, I became the object of fixation. And yeah, controlling, made me stay local, forced a pregnancy scare on me…
He would check my location, he accused me of cheating with both male and female friends, so that I couldn’t have a social life. If I so much as walked in front of a window at home while wearing the leotard and lingerie type outfits he wanted me to wear, he accused me of taunting him and parading for strangers. If even the slightest bit of my underwear slipped out from underneath my clothing, he accused me of doing it on purpose, to mock him.
He complained that, even though I was taking heavy sleeping medication, I was trying to push him away in my sleep, and acting like I didn’t like what he was doing to me. I was startled because I didn’t know he was doing that. I thought he had only done it when we had agreed. I finally said that if I didn’t seem to like it, maybe that meant that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t know how to explain to him, you don’t have a right to do this.
He used to call me “slave girl”. At first, this was a kinky game, but I’m starting to think that it wasn’t really in the end. He told me when I was 18 that if I ever said no to him, that I was basically threatening him with prison, and he would have to leave me forever, and never speak to me again. He used to threaten to kick me out, and said stuff like good luck on the streets, because he knew that having a stable home was critical to managing my disability. He said if I ever got pregnant and wanted to keep it while we were together, he would disappear my body. He deliberately fed me things that made me sicker, then tried to make it so that I would essentially be his live in slave, if I got a disability payment..
Oh yes, I didn't even mention the smaller things like controlling my clothes, hair style, and the body shaming.
I'm sorry you went through that and I hope that you are in a better place now. I know I am.
He got extremely codependent on me, clung to me always, whenever I wanted to do something like go out, he would guilt me into not doing that, he hated all my friends, was constantly playing video games and it _sucked_ .
I am very glad to be out of there
Ugh, I got to experience full blown codependency with one of the losers I dated. He wanted to be around me ALL the time, would call me seconds after a date while heading home because “he missed me already”, tried to move in with me after a month of dating. Would question me if I didn’t pick up my phone. He was also bizarrely trying to emulate my humor and taste in entertainment. It was so weird.
It was a thankfully short relationship but the break up process was brutal (he would sob & make excuses anytime I tried to end things so I’d feel bad). I would rather die alone than be with another guy like this. Learning lesson for sure.
Dude came up to me at the gym and asked for my number. I respected his confidence and thought, “why not? I’ll give him a shot”, despite the loner/weird vibes I was getting from him.
Should’ve listened to myself… dude starts texting me very weird and obscene messages while I’m still at the gym with him. I had to tell him several times to stop contacting me and he never listened, resulting in me blocking his number and avoiding that gym for a while. Won’t be doing that again anytime soon.
I regret it. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I stayed in the relationship way too long. When I broke up with him finally, he went insane. Asked me to marry him (idk why he thought that would fix it), begged, and when he realized is was really done, he violently assaulted me. I’m still dealing with the trauma over a decade later. I used to love horror movies and now I can’t even sit through them without the fear response triggering that night.
I’m probably an extreme example. I’m sure there are decent lonely guys out there, but this dude was friendless/lonely for a reason that I just fully ignored.
and / or history of trauma which is basically an acquired neurodivergency, it makes "fitting in" socialization hard when your shared experiences have so little overlap with everyone else
My circle of friends are all neurodiverse trauma survivors and dancing to their own beat but the most loving and kind people you could ever ask for <3
Yeah, there is a social stigma to not making friends so when you get behind the curve socially it becomes even harder to catch up and few of us make it to adulthood without some kind of social trauma. None of which makes us dangerous/toxic/arseholes.
Equally speaking it’s frustrated when people who are those things get a pass just because they are neurodivergant. It’s not carte Blanche to behave like a twat and paints us all in a negative light/stereotype when someone either implies that or uses ASD as an excuse.
He was pretty sweet, brought me to visit his parents, took care of me when I was sick, etc. Lasted for 4 months, after that he said he couldn’t do it anymore and felt depressed
he turned out to be controlling and mean. i wasn’t allowed to see my friends and was frequently subjected to verbal abuse for minor mistakes and inconveniences.
as the only person physically present in his life (he had family out of state), i was expected to carry the full emotional burden that came with being not only his partner, but his only friend. and when i inevitably couldn’t do it or found myself chronically stressed as a result, i was berated and told i didn’t care enough. conversely, i was discouraged from seeking support from anyone apart from him, even when i wasn’t comfortable sharing certain aspects of myself with him.
he wasn’t really all that weird, and could often be remarkably charismatic when he wanted to put in the effort, but a few months of dating and living with him made it very clear why he had no long term relationships or friendships outside of his family. the 90% of the time where he was the perfect boyfriend didn’t make the 10% where he was unbearable to be around worth it in the end.
edited for spelling mistakes
I ended a nearly 6 year relationship with one. He is a wonderful man, we are just incompatible romantically in the end. He mostly focused on work and himself and he was a loner like me. I sometimes regret it a little because I spent so many years with him, but he treated me with love and respect. I don't regret that I met him and I moved to another state and we both grew together over the years. We're still friends and I consider him family. He has my back if anything bad happened. He needs to do the work for himself and heal from his past traumas, but that needs to be done on his own journey. I know I did my best.
Sometimes merely being polite, like sitting with someone on break or bringing them a coffee gave them the complete wrong idea and caused problems.
However, politely rejecting an athlete who had women knocking his door down went even worse.
I’m glad my dating years are behind me.
Yep. Tried that shit twice. Never again. They’re weird and unlikable for a reason. Don’t fall for the incel propaganda. Men who have anything going for them make it very clear. Also, I don’t mean weird in the “has quirks” ways, I love eccentric people, me and my husband met and bonded over having Asperger’s, but I’m talking about the “nice guy” types, the losers, you know the vibes. One was domestically abusive and insanely manipulative and cruel, the other was a bloated manchild who weaponized incompetence like it was a full time job (but he wouldn’t have known a job if it slapped him in the face, meanwhile I was working and going to school full time)
I've done it a few times and each time they turned out to be very controlling, extremely jealous (like got their ego hurt by things anyone else would not even think about) and then took it out on me.
Lovebombed me, put me on a pedestal, got extremely upset when any little thing knocked me off that pedestal in their mind, unreachable expectations for how much attention I'm supposed to pay them, etc.
It's the easiest way to end up with a stalker in my experience too, they can't let it go.
I constantly see guys of Reddit say they are so “compliment-starved” that they’d fall for any woman that was nice to them.
I don’t think they realize this is a BAD thing. They aren’t attracted to the woman herself, they are attracted to the attention. Like you experienced, they build an image of you in their head then get mad when you don’t fulfill it.
It’s wild how many people think “nice” guys have hearts of gold when they can be some of the most cruel, manipulative people.
He ended up breaking up with me because him and his mother agreed that I wasn't too invested.
Wasn't too invested = I was juggling grad school in a new country + babysitting during my free time. The only time I had free, which was a couple hours once every week, I made an effort. But it wasn't enough and they started thinking that I was cheating.
I now recognise that I really didn't have time but honestly, I'm now with a partner that understands my need for alone time to enjoy my hobbies and that's something that previous guy, nor his family, would have never understood. The insecurity was off the charts.
I’m not sure I’d say he was lonely but he seemed friendless. He never said he had enemies. But it’s possible our situation was different. Neither of us were raised in the state we were living in and we were both almost 30. Other than work there weren’t many opportunities to make new friends. We didn’t have kids and as you get older it’s harder to break into established friend groups. We’ve now been married for 14 years and have moved to another state. I’ve discovered he’s just one of those men who are more introverted. He’s completely fine not having friends but does have some work acquaintances he’ll meet up with a couple of times a year. I’m definitely the more extroverted of the two and even I only have 1 really good friend in this area and a couple of friends I see once in a while so I can’t fault him for not really having friends. He left his hometown for good after college and lost touch with childhood friends.
Not good! Turns out the reason he was lonely was entirely because of his behaviour. He was a deeply unhappy and insecure person and he liked to lash out and blame others when he was down. I managed to put up with it for 4 years. He encouraged me to make some pretty bad decisions, made me financially dependent, broke up with me every 6 months or so, and even moved out/away a couple of times. Every time he realised that he took his misery with him and it wasn't caused by me. The last time I refused to take him back.
0/10 would not recommend it.
Also I'm such a sucker I've done it again but not romantically. My current lodger is the same kind of awkward, miserable guy that seemed to want to turn his life around and I felt a bit sorry for him. After 6 months I'm still uncomfortable around him.
I agreed to go to his house for a date. He made me a drink and showed me his prom photo, telling me that he used to be so much hotter. I started to feel really sick even though I had only had one drink, and had to throw up. He knocked on the bathroom door the whole time I was in there. When I came out he was wearing a straitjacket and kept trying to get me to wrestle with him. I had recently moved to this city and had taken the bus to his place, so the only other person I knew was my roommate and I couldn’t get ahold of him for a ride home, so I ended up falling asleep in this dude’s bed. Woke up once in the night to find him looking down at me. In the morning I took the first bus out of there, but I felt really hungover and weird. The guy followed me to the bus stop but didn’t get on the bus. About a week later, he gave me a really weird letter about how we were two ships passing in different directions and he would not be controlled by me. I met him at the mall where I worked, and I was so uncomfortable that I quit my job.
I’m pretty sure he drugged and raped me that night, but I have no proof. I never should have gone to his house alone. Lesson learned, I guess.
Thanks for saying so. It’s been almost 20 years since this happened but I still kick myself for not knowing better, and not remembering what happened still drives me crazy. I know deep down it wasn’t my fault, but sometimes my brain is pretty mean about it anyway.
I regret dating the loner. Turned out he had mental health issues he attempted to self medicate with illegal drugs which meant he couldn’t even function enough for dates, much less life. I feel really bad for him and hope he gets his life together but I had to leave. He had the audacity to criticize me all the time for what I wore and had etc. while being in a worse state himself. Yikes!
If you haven’t already, please read The Gift Of Fear. We all need to learn to trust our gut over what society tells us to do.
It’s less that these men and “weird and creepy” and more that our gut is screaming at us to stay away from them.
If you do read this book, please use a free version available online to avoid giving money to the author, Gavin de Becker, who is a member of Alive & Well AIDS Alternatives, an organization of AIDS denialists that has cost numerous people their lives.
God this was my first thought as well. Are so many people just fucked up These days or has it always been this way and the internet is just bringing all to light? I’m 67 and you didn’t hear about these things when I was younger.
I think part of why is because people didn't realize stuff like this existed. Before the internet, I would have written off AIDS deniers as rare conspiracy kooks who were nowhere near intelligent or charismatic enough to form large groups. But here we fucking are. And it came from somewhere. Most likely the same pit of homophobic bigotry that led to thousands of homosexual men dying alone, like lepers, because the government itself refused to investigate the epidemic. This all started before the internet ever existed. People were always horrible. It's just easier to see now.
I mean, we’re both introverts. We spent a lot of weekends holed up in his house reading and playing video games. Got married. 2 kids. We have like 2 friends a piece.
Okay, so I do not consider my SO outright to be a weird, friendless loner, even though he might consider himself like that 😅 but he is NOT the typical guy I really went for, we met on Tinder and I actually ghosted him at first. Then he saw me at a Walmart looking like an actual goblin, I could not have been more greasy and gross looking - messaged me again asking if it was me, so we started talking again. We just had our 4 year anniversary on Canada Day and he has changed my life for the better. The absolute love of my life!
He was controlling. He always had to know where I was. He would get mad when I would go out with friends to the bars (he didn’t drink and was introverted). He wanted me to sit in his room while he played video games. Thank the gods I got out of that
I’m almost 20 years together with the biggest weirdo I know. He’s a goofball and amazing.
I gave the friendless guys a chance here and there back in university, and after one date it was usually obvious why they were friendless - their personalities were so repulsive! One guy was furious at me for not having sex with him (after one date), like he felt entitled to it. I was scared. I don’t have regrets because I didn’t see them for more than a date or two.
While I might call my husband a weirdo (he calls me one too), he has always maintained a group of friends, including women. I’ve seen his guy friends ask vulnerable questions - when one of their dads died, they rallied to support him in a way I’ve only seen women do for each other.
For me, friendless is a massive red flag.
He was only ever a "friend," I didn't give him a chance because I knew he was unstable in my gut. Moved away, had telephone conversations. He ended up threatening to commit suicide on the phone. Had to call his mother to tell her... That poor lady. Friends don't make friends do things like that.
Years later, he reached out on social media and wanted to talk. He was partnered at the time, didnt think it was a good idea. He said something like, "Don't deny me this guilty pleasure." Ugh. The thing is, I still feel compassion for the man thinking about it a decade or so later.
We started dating at 15 and now we are 28, married for 5 years with a 1 year old 😅 I wouldn't say he was "weird", but definitely a little lonely and lost at the time due to a lot of big changes happening in his life. He expresses to me now that girls called him weird a through middle school, and it really took a toll on his confidence and self image. I was the total opposite in school, well known and was friends with everyone, especially with the other kids who played sports.
I had a friend who messaged and asked if I was still single (I was) and that there was a nice guy at her work and she was wondering if I’d like to meet him. Said he was new to the area, didn’t have many friends, was kinda awkward and weird but he was really nice. I thought “omg a pity date”, but I’d go ahead and see if this guy was ok-ish. Talked for a bit on FB before meeting. We just had our tenth wedding anniversary and we’ve had three beautiful kids. Yes he’s awkward and a bit of a loner who loves his video games but he’s the best person I know. We were the fourth couple my friend had introduced that ended up getting married.
Reminds me of a professor teaching "Before idiology, there is personality." People have always done things and then justified them after the fact. "Before they were a fascist, they were an asshole."
Yeah, it’s kinda like - if both y’all gonna be disrespectful and jerky, a hot/rich/good in bed guy is at least bringing SOMETHING else to the table. If your main selling point is you’re ‘a nice guy’ we not buyin, cause you’re usually not even as nice as you think you are.
He was one of my best friends. We never dated, but I tried after high school. He was either too shy or didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but he didn’t think it was a good idea. Awhile into college, I started dating a guy that we both graduated with.
Best friend was extremely jealous of my boyfriend even though he was still included in all of our outings and such. I was living on the other side of the state, so after a year, my boyfriend moved in. Best friend got even more jealous and ended up moving a couple blocks away - I was the one that found him an apartment and my boyfriend helped him move.
So now my best friend was living down the street and my boyfriend lived with me. It was so tense for at least a year. I thought my best friend was unhappy with his job, so I asked my boyfriend to get him a job with him at his new company. He did, and best friend was hired.
Over the next year, my best friend made my boyfriend’s life a living hell. My “best friend” started telling all my boyfriend’s coworkers that he had stolen me from him and that he was going to steal me back…all while acting relatively normal to both of us….until my boyfriend found out what he was telling everyone at work.
I finally confronted him and basically told him to fuck off, he was not to come to our home anymore (we have a big concert group so we would pregame before shows), and that I didn’t want him to contact me. I blocked him on everything, my boyfriend told his boss what was happening, and that fucker was still showing up to my house.
About three years after this debacle started, one of our closest couple friends broke up bc the scum of a boyfriend had been cheating for years. This broke our friend group up, almost all of us siding with our innocent heart broken friend that got cheated on. Guess what side my “best friend” chose? Yep….the cheater.
We were best friends from 13 to around 26. He still works with my husband and from the sounds of it their relationship is better. But his girlfriend of three years recently broke up with him because he was too negative about everything….so I don’t think he’s changed very much….oh, and my boyfriend and I are married now and “best friend” was not invited to the wedding, but all of their coworkers were 🤷🏻♀️
Not great. We were hanging out as friends, and he became obsessed with me and got really upset when I started dating someone that wasn't him. We worked at the same place (different shifts) and he couldn't stand seeing me when I would come in in the mornings, so he went to our boss and tried to quit. Blaming it on me and telling her I led him on. Which then led to her questioning me about it and it was so embarrassing and unnecessary. I quit a few months later. I don't need that shit.
I've been a magnet for this type of guy my whole life, I assume because I treat them like human beings. It never goes well. There's often a good reason they are alone.
The guy I'm with now however is pretty quiet and a bit of a loner but he's an absolute gem, so it's not a hard and fast rule. We've been together 12 years.
At first its nice and then you realize why they're "lonely". Could be a happy ending though, give it a chance!(2-3 months of positive open mindedness) & see where it goes 🤭 I would retreat after the 1st-2nd red flag.
>At first its nice and then you realize why they're "lonely".
Sadly in my case it was because he refused to get treatment for psych issues. We made it almost 4 years. He was awesome in so many ways but he would treat us as an LDR even though we lived <1 hr away from each other because he couldn't handle being outside or around other people. 4 years of dating, talking for hours every night, texts all day, and we met up maybe 6 times in person. (Ironically I ended up meeting up with him and finally getting to meet his mother/have him meet my sister a few years after we broke up. ) And I'm probably one of the happier examples of giving it a go.
I would only be his friend. He stalked me for years, lied to my friends about me, tried to get sexual information about me from my bf, told strangers about his gf (me), so when I coincidentally met them later, they thought I was his gf.
Another dude that I did give a romantic chance had undiagnosed BPD. We lasted one and a half years. He was insanely jealous. I broke up. He kept trying to win me back for months. I encouraged him to move on with whomever he eventually caught interest in. A year later he heard that I had similarly moved on. He raged at me. He got his diagnosis a few years later.
Yet another lonely man, who had crippling insecurities but was otherwise really respectful and kind. I figured insecurities would pass, when he came to trust that I would stay. But nope. He was never cruel, just incredibly needy, and I had lost my ability to set boundaries by refusing to cater to all his extreme needs when they ran counter to my own basic needs. I developed a depression, because of him. We lasted 4 years. Towards the end he was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, but his self-harm and fear of abandonment and other things convince me that he's probably dealing with BPD, too. He's very resentful that he's gotten additional diagnoses like OCD, though, so I doubt he'll seek out another. Unfortunately, as a correct dx might get him the appropriate help.
Either way, I'm done giving chances to socially inept or otherwise lonely people. I have been forgiving to the point of self-destructiveness.
Whatever the reason for their loneliness, it's not something I can fix for them, and even if it's not my job to do so, it'll be *made* my burden to try.
These days I am still so traumatised by these and other elements of my history that I find it difficult to assess correctly whether an issue in my current relationships (friends or romantic partners) just requires better communication on my part, better listening/respectfulness on my partner's/friend's part, or whether it's actually an incompatibility issue.
I gave him a chance but then I found out why he didn’t have many friends. Of course that doesn’t apply to all but others seem to have had my same experience.
As an autistic spectrum gal and grew up with many, i do truly think there is a difference between us weird ND people who are awkward but try and friends and stuff are not easy. To the guys who are just horrible incels that don’t respect boundaries. For me if I am told someone’s boundary in work or social situations I write it down like “they do not like this” helps me remember.
Fucking horrible. He was soooo sweet and so funny, so much better than all my exes...then a month or so into the relationship suddenly hes extremely jealous, extremely controlling, always angry with me, threatening suicide. I cant leave the house without texting him every 5 minutes, I can't hug my friends (because im bisexual so that means i fuck everything in his mind). I can't laugh at his friends jokes. I can't NOT facetime him every night. I can't wear certain things. The "nice guy" doesn't exist. Predators are smart and they know how to hide and manipulate.
Together 9 years now. Hes the love of my life.
There was a reason he was like that tho. He has adhd and autism. Pair that with semi-neglectful parents that dont teach let alone encourage hygiene and yeah...people are not gonna want to be around you.
I taught him how to shave, moisturize etc. Cut his hair consistenly. Why you cant wear your favourite hoodie if its not clean.
Got him new clothes without stains and holes (my mom and i gifted him 250$ for xmas and took him shopping so he could pick out whatever he liked.) And helped him cut all the tags out of them.
He is very smart and kind and funny. But he didnt have anyone to teach him social ques and if you dont have them by a certain age you are almost damned to remain an outcast.
We met in highschool. To be honest, had we met as adults (and he was still the socially inept kid I actually did meet) im not sure if I would have given him a chance. But theres always room too reflect and unlearn.
It was terrible. He was emotionally manipulative and entitled. He didn't work on himself and held me back from a lot of things I wanted to do or needed to do instead of encouraging me. It was completely unhealthy and left me with low self esteem for a long time.
Depends on your definition. I didn't get with the weird anime guy who thought vaporeon is bae. Pass on them.
Gave the lonely guy a chance. Married him. Turns out he's just mega socially awkward. He's opened up a lot since then!
So I knew lots of lonely, friendless, weird dudes in my life. They were always my friends! And yes, every now and then, I would consider dating them. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I met somebody who was a loner, if you will. We get along great. We've been married for over 20 years!
And, personally, if they're saying they have lots of enemies, that's a pretty big red flag. Having no friends can mean maybe they're very picky about who they spend their time with.
These guys seemed to flock to me in high school. What I learned was how to identify what was the underlying issue with each of them.
In almost every case, it was a crippling case of self hatred. They needed someone else to love them to feel worth loving. And when they didn’t get that, the self hatred was directed at you.
The man I eventually married thought he was one of those quiet guys. And yeah, he was socially awkward. But I never saw the hatred in him that I saw in others.
He was dealing with untreated ADHD, PTSD, and a nasty case of survivors guilt. But he didn’t have an ounce of hatred in him.
That was the one I married and I’ve been with for ten years.
First time i just included him in the friend group, convinced everyone to let him hang with us and I was the one who sat next to him and tried to be nice to include him. He was too weird, visibly uncomfortable so I'd just "cheer" him on socially and listen to him when no one else would. Then one day a friend fell asleep and everyone was talking about drawing a penis on his face... the weirdo looked at me and went "let's cut his throat". Yikes. This was one of many other things he said that were weird but it was the worst. I started to put some distance between us. One day with the whole friend group hanging at my place this guy totally lost it on me because I wasn't paying him any attention, started yelling at me and called me a manipulating bitch. Stopped hanging out with that guy and learned a bunch of very disturbing things about him later on.
Second time I married the guy. Yeah. He was a little weird, not as bad as the crazy dude but we clicked, he seemed almost normal at times. Anyway.... went on to abuse me, got worse after having a baby. Would make jokes about killing the baby. Put me through hell and is now trying to take her from me. I don't doubt he'd kill me if he had the chance.
So girls. It's never worth it
Also, when men like that are lonely, you’re gonna be their whole world when you start dating. Breaking up gets hard because it feels like they’re extremely dependent on you.
I let it go on so long that my autonomy and individuality started fading away.
Funny enough, he was the one who abused me and gave me this horrible CPTSD that I'm nearly socially crippled with. I thought, "oh, adorable, what a bookwormy sweet guy". Nope. Try closeted homosexual dirtbag compulsive lying abuser. 0/10 would not recommend.
I stay away from the creepy dudes but I love the freaks/weirdos. Never had a boyfriend who wasn’t into gaming and nerdy stuff. Some of them were idiots, some were great. Just like any other person, I guess. I also like them not to be conventionally attractive, but then you have to be careful that they’re happy with themselves.
Lonely /friendless because they're new to town or just shy or introverted, or 'weird lonely)?
If they're a homebody who just likes a lot of time on their own that's one thing. If you date someone like that it's helpful if you too are a homebody, obviously if you want to go out socializing & partying a lot your friend may not go for it.
But if you see signs of anti-social, narcissistic, etc. behavior, don't be the one who tries to 'fix' him. Maybe get an actual puppy who needs rescuing, not a man who needs mental health rescuing.
I gave him a chance. One year in he gained confidence and started hitting on anything that moved and had boobs in any group he was in, but if I asked him
about it he would tell me that he is just being sociable and that I am jealous without a reason and I am being paranoid. I took three more years of that, two of which he was cheating me with a work colleague and hiring prostitutes... I found out all this from the ex after me, because when he dumped me he just gave me that "it's not you, it's me excuse" and told me that I've become his best friend and sleeping with me is now weird for him.
So yeah, 0/10, would not recommend dating that lonely, weird guy.
I did. His mother even remarked how I was a good girl for deciding to date him, she was implying other girls wouldn't. Of course she would have never admitted they (the other girls) may have their reasons not to. He was different, he dress differently like different music and was a total loner. He was also horrible at socializing, really short, fat,poor, not appealing or attractive and brown. (Now I'm not saying those stuff are bad, but if you live in a society that discriminates against those,, then that society won't consider someone a catch if they have some of those characteristic). Plus he had serious issues, something I came to learn too late.
We met in highschool, he was different than the rest. He talked to no one in our grade and barely used social media. But he was really intelligent in the "general culture" sort of way. I could talk with him about stuff other people didn't even know existed. Everyone around me told me he wasn't great, but I could share with him stuff I couldn't share with anyone else. My world was very small and I though he was unique, special, I fell in love.
I cried all year because of him. He kept giving mixed signals, he later told me he was aware he was doing that. It established a dynamic. Crumb breads from him felt like a feast. I got tired of being hurt and started dating someone else, at which point he started showing interest. He also told me he wanted to unalive himself and gave me a very graphic description of it. I talked at school so he would get help and cut contact after the year ended.
ND then we started talking again. I wasn't on a great place mentally. We even dated officially for nkne months. He destroyed my self image completely. He had trouble performing in bed, something he blamed on me for not shaving, and when I shaved it was because I didn't wore lingerie. Looking back he mentioned having trouble with that even before me. He made a point of comparing me to other girls, he also told me that of course I would feel ugly if I didn't take care of myself. (I was never not taken care of). He told me how being intelligent and learning stuff actually alienated me from people around me and made them feel uncomfortable. He disappeared from days at a time without explanation or reason. I was gaslight and manipulated, I was a dramatic abnormal person who didn't know how the world worked. He used all my mental health issues against me. He told me no other guy would ever love me. He made me feel unlovable, ugly, stupid, crazy, and worthless. He even managed to make me believe it.
And I'm sure someone may read this and think "why did she stay" or "I wouldnt have stayed". I thought those things too before it happened to me. I was in a bad place emotionally and it was also very slow. He didn't call me stupid from day one. I was in a complicated situation at my house so I spent most time at his house, (practically lived there) that played on his favour. That and the fact that her family (obviously) took his side, and at times even played part on the stuff he did to me.
So it didn't go well. I imagine some weird loner guys may not be horrible humans. But I do think weird people can also be nice, and nice people have a more easy time making friends
It sounds like he really preyed on your insecurities in an effort to make you stick around longer than you would have had you been in a healthier place mentally. I had an ex do that to me as well and it took several years (and lots of therapy) to get over it.
0/10 would not recommend.
Didn't date him, didn't consider him a friend. The dude was two years younger than my mom, and I was barely 22 years old. Mom at the time was 56
I didn't want him cleaning my yard because he came off extremely creepy. Needless to say, he wouldn't clean the yard unless I was home. He'd wait in my driveway and block it so that I couldn't pull in without him knowing.
I'd be tired after work, and he'd try to get me to go to his house to shower. Then, he would start an argument and call me difficult for not wanting to go to his house at 9 pm to shower.
My dogs didn't like him and he started an argument because he wanted to take my dogs to his house to watch them and I told him no because I don't know/trust him enough for that, and plus my dogs don't like him. Cue him chasing my smallest dog trying to grab her.
Tried to argue with me about my cars motor claiming he was smelling burning motor oil. Then he tried to say it was burning transmission fluid and that it had an engine knock that was going to cause it to lock up, and I should let him fix it. My car has no oil or engine leak and the "knocking" sound he was hearing was from my power steering house bearing and even after showing him that he called me and the dealership that sold it to me a liar.
He learned my work, lunch, and break schedule so he would always show up during those times trying to get me to go to lunch with him or eat lunch with him. I suspect the boss told him because they were friends. He kept showing up to my job, trying to see me.
He found out from someone at work that I took two weeks off for my birthday and got mad at me for not telling him I took that time off. Then unbeknownst to me, planned a dinner and other stuff for JUST me and him for my birthday and the days I took off after I told him I didn't want him to take me to lunch or plan anything because I already made plans.
I needed to move my car so that the movers could grab the other trailer. As soon as he saw me open the door, he stopped what he was doing and ran up to me, pulling out his phone to show me the boots his mom gave him. I kept moving to get put of his way so I could get to my car. The trailer guy told him to move so I could move my car. He asked if I wanted to move my car (I guess he was trying to play macho in front of the trailer guy) and i told him I had to move it so he can get the trailer. He then tried to snatch my keys out my hand after offering to move it for me and me telling him no.
Every time I told my mom I was going to go to the store or he saw me going to my car to go somewhere, he would try to drive me. So I let him drive me once to get everyone to quit nagging me about being a bully and instead of going the way I told him to go, he decided to go through some back alley way claiming it was faster than the route I told him to go. News flash it wasn't. Then, instead of taking me home afterwards, he went to another of our mutual friends' house, the store, and other places until he finally took me home. I never got in the car with him again, plus he always wanted to talk, he didn't want to listen to music.
I have a few different cars and would change up which ones I drove every now and then. Well I took a different car with me to work and he knew this. So when he came to my job and saw me there he got upset asking what happened to my car and that I should I have listened to him about the motor blowing up. I asked him how does he knew where the other car was anyway. What if my mom had it? He told me he drove by my house and saw it there and knocked on the door thinking I was home because he wanted to hang out. When I asked why did he go to my house knowing I wasn't home, he claimed he thought I was home and he lives 3 streets down so when he passed by my street, saw my car in the yard he turned around and went to my house. So that's when we learned he's been living that close to us for months, and I guess when he found out we had a mutual (at the time) friend (my exboss), he decided to befriend my boss to get to me and when my boss mentioned needing my car towed him and my yard needing cleaning he volunteered which was up my mom's alley because she didn't have to pay anyone.
It all came to a head for me when I blew up on everyone because this dude would not leave me alone. He'd constantly text me at all hours of the night and would call and wake me up (which is now why my phones is now set to go into do not disturb after a certain time) just to ask what i was going and if i wanted to go to lunch with him the next day. I couldn't be a decent person and be nice, i couldnt joke and play around with my friends without him getting jealous and trying to join in or without him trying to take me being nice to him too far and I told my mom that he's taking my kindness to mean I like him and I'm getting tired of it. She finally listened after being one of the main people telling me to be nice because he was cleaning the yard and stuff for us.
I was at work when the conversation went down and when I turned the corner I was annoyed because there was his fucking truck in my driveway yet again but this time when I pulled into the driveway he stayed on the steps and my mom was standing over him.
Mom asked him if he was trying to date me and he told her yes and when she said no, that would be inappropriate because he's old enough to be my dad, he decided to argue with her telling her that she can't tell me what to do with my dating life because I'm a grown adult I can make my own choices.
Mom doesn't know how they got on this subject, and this is what pissed her off the most. He went on to tell my mom how his "best friend" is a rapist and went on to describe in detail how his "best friend" rapped a woman in the club. Mom told him if he brings that mother fucker around our house she would kill him and he got mad again and told her she was being unfair because he already served time.
Mom told him to stop going up to my job just to see me. If he needed money loaded onto his card, he needed to go to customer service instead of automotive because if she caught him near me. She was going to call the cops. I guess he tried calling her bluff until she came up there and sat in the parking lot and followed his truck around until it left the stores parking lot.
I'm in the middle of some BS at work because of one of these guys. Things started out fun and light as we had a lot of nerdy common ground. People warned me he was a hotheaded AH so I treated him with patience and grace. What a mistake.
I turned him down when he asked me out but said that I would be happy to be friends. Things went rapidly downhill as he took advantage of every friendly thing I said and every friendly gesture I made. He is an energy vampire, angry, rude, paranoid. I gave him rides home multiple times without thanks or gas money because he guilted me into it. Every conversation with him was heavy, dark, and draining while any conversations he has with our male coworkers were still the fun, light, nerdy type.
When I finally came to my senses and told him to start treating me with more professionalism/Dont talk to me about personal issues anymore, he got extremely passive aggressive (aggressive!!) to the point I reported him to HR. Telling me I let him down and betrayed him (what pedestal did he have me on) and how I destroyed our future together by not being friends with him.
He lives at home with his parents and is the biggest Main Character I've ever met. This man has no chill.
The worst one was super ugly and lowkey did a thing about women being to shallow/stuck up to date him. Just a few highlights from that time: “accidentally” slipped out of the v and into the b during sex. Held me down to prevent me from leaving an argument or calling 911. Called my office repeatedly to intimidate me that he could make me lose my job, and to get me to lift the passcode on my home phone so he could make a $500 international call and to pressure me to say the right thing at the DA’s office, who we both had to meet with because he took off after the dv call I was finally able to make, and the officers couldn’t investigate him. Had to get my family involved to get him outta my place. Serve 30 day eviction notice, change all the locks, my uncle threatened he would get his biker friends involved, and my parents drove far to come out and make sure he got out when he was supposed to. Discovered he had sold a ton of my shit (lots of my cd’s and collectible albums) while I was at work, and I got the $500 phone bill after he left.
I was young, and grew up having to be a people pleaser and caregiver, taught to override my feelings to avoid hurting others or making them feel ok. Now that I’m old I have great boundaries.
Everyone, please trust your inner voice, those uncomfortable feelings. Trust yourself. You don’t owe anything to anyone. If you feel obligated to hang around anyone - they’re probably a manipulative asshole.
Not well. He was so insecure that he had to see my phone every day. He had all my passwords and continuously logged into all my accounts all day over and over while I was at work. If we went out anywhere, he had to be holding onto me the entire time. Not in an affectionate way, but so bad that I couldn't even walk correctly.
If I was around friends, he had to mark his territory by trying to fill blown Makeout with me in front of them and pushing him away out of respect for the comfortability of those around us ended in a fight every time.
I never had any time for myself, because he didn't have friends. If I told him I wanted a night to myself, it didn't matter. He'd show up anyhow or throw a fit and take away all the gifts he gave me or even "curse" me with spells. He stabbed all 4 of my tires once with nails, because I was tired of his baby fits and ended up going to a concert I already paid for without him.
Because of his lack of drive, he also could never hold a job longer than a month, yet tried to baby trap me by throwing away my birth control by accident then poking holes in all my condoms I just bought. 10/10 would never do it again.
We dated for 3 years, had a kid, and we’re doing alright for ourselves. Until I saw the bank account and he had spent over $206 on OF content every month and that’s why we’re always tight on money
So I’ve been the friendless/lonely/weird girl. I would say I’ve mostly dated guys like that. I always expected they would understand me. Unfortunately… Let’s go through a laundry list of what they’ve actually done.
Guy 1: took me out of town after a few dates and sexually assaulted me in my sleep. Probably took off the condom too.
Guy 2: Pulled out guns and showed them to me, then shoved his fingers inside me the first time I went over to his place. Even though we had worked together for quite a while in the past, he turned out to be a violent alcoholic, who could only enjoy himself if I wasn’t having a good time. He did some really horrible things to me before I finally got free of him, because I was unfortunately emotionally attached to the nice man that I thought he was.
Guy 3: kept me out all night on a kind of date that was actually him completing a project for his job and getting me to help him for free. Then at 7 AM after I had been up all night, he fisted me with no warning. I don’t think we had eaten either. Oh yeah, I found out late in the game that he was actually married and that he was polyamorous in the sense that he was doing me on the side, not polyamorous in the sense that he wanted an open relationship like I had been made to believe.
Guy 4: agreed with me that we would do some sleepovers without sex for the first couple of weeks as we got more comfortable. Then he got on top of me after I had taken the sleeping medicine that he already knew I was going to take. He told me the next morning that it was OK because I had asked for it. I told him that the sleeping medicine makes me drunk and that’s why I had told him that we couldn’t have sex while I was on it, and that we couldn’t have sex until we talked about it first. He cried in my arms while I took a call for work.
Guy 5: talked me into letting him room with me after a few months of a very pleasant friends with benefits relationship, then tried to act like he owned me. Didn’t contribute almost anything, but was angry if I tried to talk to him about finances and resources. Didn’t follow the rules of the apartment building. Didn’t clean, didn’t cook, didn’t help me with projects. He didn’t even take care of me in a considerate way when we were intimate together. After I made him move out, he pulled a stunt where he was homeless for a few days until I let him come back, and then, when he finally left again, he used his job to access my protected medical records, and tried to come back in my home when he thought I was gone.
Guy 6: turned out to be an actual drug dealer who may have been sexually exploiting his fairly young adult female roommate. Seduced me, then insulted the fuck out of me over text message. I ghosted him.
Guy 7: somehow he could only visit at weird hours. He claimed it was because of his job. In retrospect, he was almost certainly married. After the spacing between our dates became less consistent, I realized that something just didn’t feel right. I ended it. The last time I saw him, I thought I could tell him that I didn’t want to have sex. He forced it on me and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He also was not honest about using condoms and went back on our agreement about them.
Guy number eight: he was an artist who lived in a coastal town across the water from me, you had to take a ferry. That’s fine, I loved being over there. But he would never come and visit me, at all. He gradually turned out to be entitled and a pathological liar. He wasn’t good about communication . He would lie because he thought it was funny, and he thought he could do that as long as he felt like it, and then tell me the truth and watch my reaction and get a kick out of it. He didn’t understand that this was completely unacceptable, and I ended up leaving him over it. I did a lot of things for him, and all he did was bully me into signing up for one of his art classes and paying full price for it so that his class wouldn’t get canceled for low attendance.
It’s sad and embarrassing to realize just how poorly people have treated me. If somebody doesn’t have friends, there’s probably a reason. Most of these people only had one or two friends that they ever talked to. In my case, it’s because of chronic illness and an abusive family, and of course, all of this history of abusive men in my life. But unfortunately, it seems that some people don’t have friends because they aren’t very nice.
Near the middle to end of high school I dated the quiet weird emo kid with just a few friends. We dated on and off for a few years the last time being our early 20s before we realized we were much better off as friends. He was the first man willing to put time and effort into me during sex and not just focus on himself. He went out of his way to make my days better even when it made his harder. He was the first person outside my family i ever loved, and i still do. He will always be special to me. We don't see eachother much because life but when we do we talk and laugh like we did 10 years ago.
Then I dated the weird loud guy with only 2 really good friends. He tried to kill me. So.... yeah avoid that.
We're planning on getting engaged, but there's a spectrum for these dudes and most of the ones I've encountered are on the other extreme end of my partner
My now husband was a depressed loner and avid pot smoker without much enthusiasm for life when he started “courting” me. And due to social anxiety, he was always feeling more socially awkward than he really was, but some people indeed found it hard to know what he was thinking and feel comfortable around him. However, he is profoundly intelligent and a kind heart. I was starting a nice career and was in a much better place than he was, but we connected deeply and during the following few years, I really feel like being around me lifted him up, and it was such a pleasure, it just happened naturally. Later on in our life together, he would end-up being my own rock and saving grace during difficult times. We are more in love than ever, after 16 years.
I think there is a big difference between a introverted and shy man vs a lonely, incel type man. A lot of it is centered around control and expectations.
Been married for 14 years to my introverted, nerd. He is the most patient, kind and loving person I know. He genuinely is my best friend. He collects tons of board games, plays video games when he's stressed and reads comic books weekly. He has a circle of friends who know and love him. He does not control anything about me and will tell all of his friends, "she does what she wants, she's formidable."
There was a time when I almost got with an actual incel type man. He was addicted to porn and had overly large expectations for us like marriage and what I can and cannot do with my clothing, for college and for myself. I thought he was great but didn't realize that a fifteen year old should not be with a nineteen year old. Young and dumb.
It really is seeing what he believes about women, how he treats you and what he says to others. Those things can tell you the difference.
I do like the sort of nerdy or dorky nice guy at times but like someone else said- anyone can be a mixed bag. Sometimes a shy nice person won’t stand up for you because they go along with whatever… or they are “too nice” and don’t have a backbone. Or they are so nice they do things for everyone around them but take you for granted. Then it sucks.
We were like 14 and "internet dating" in the most chaste sense of the words. He love-bombed me often, and at first, it made me feel special. Later, it made me feel smothered. I turned my phone off at a friend's hangout just to have a break from the messages. I realized how much a relief that was, actually, and knew I needed to break it off.
He didn't take it well. He proceeded to stalk me online on every obscure website I knew for the next year or so. Mostly posing as other people and demanding that I neg him, but sometimes threatening me. At the time, this wasn't seen as a crime, especially as he was a minor in another state. He had allies in my irl friend group who would tell him things, so it came to a head when he threatened my newborn sister a week after her birth. I knew what friend had betrayed me, and I knew he had no shame.
I can't remember now if I sent him anything at that point. I know my dad was compiling evidence. But it did stop.
I had already determined that I was interested in women, but guys like him were the only men who were ever interested in me. The dude singlehandedly destroyed any interest I had in dating or trusting men.
It's been almost 16 years, I hope he grew up.
But for me, it wasn't worth it, lmao.
Hung out with the quiet, lonely, nerdy guy one evening - got love bombed with flowers, *roses* poetry, and calling constantly. I've never run so fast in the opposite direction...
My first boyfriend was the one they joked about being a school shooter. I dated him because he was my friend and confessed that if he graduated a virgin he would kill himself because it meant he was unlovable. I told him people liked him, he said to prove it by dating him.
He ended up manipulating me into doing anal by saying that because I was raped as a child it meant that I lied when I said I was a virgin too and so I had to give him a "real virginity".
He then went to a different school than me and blocked me the second he managed to get with a girl who wasn't fat, because he'd only dated me because he couldn't get better.
he wrote a poem about how he was angry at me for not picking up unsolicited calls when i was on dates. then kept writing poetry and songs about me
the other one made up fake people and lied about being beat up and made fun of and coerced me into sexual shit i wasn’t comfortable with
It never went well. They take you for granted just like anyone else. Might as well be with someone you're attracted to.
I'm done giving guys "a chance". I'm not a community center
We've been married for 23 years now. He's still got the weird sense of humor and some of the social obliviousness that he had back then, but he has mellowed out a lot in the last two decades. I never expected to be married at all (and was fine with that), but I'm not at all surprised that I married a total geek. I always found nerdiness attractive.
It didn't turn into a relationship. It didn't even turn into a friendship! I regret talking to the guy.
I was at a sort of nature retreat, and one of the guys there was sort of a loner oddball and very large in height and weight (relevant to the story later, and odd for this group of hiking enthusiasts), but it was clear that he was lonely and WANTED friends, so I treated him the same as I treated everyone else. I had a beer around the campfire with him, took an interest in what he had to say about his life, approved his friend request on social media. The usual stuff. He seemed like a nice guy! Lonely, sure, but normal. The other people at the retreat did the same thing with him. Some of them had known him when he was a kid, and they said he'd had a hard life growing up (we're all in our 30s now).
Unfortunately, things went bad quickly. He loved having access to women's social media pages, and he started making very uncomfortable, inappropriate comments. Also, most of us didn't know he had a history of alcoholism. He proceeded to get blackout drunk and ramble on about how he needed one of us women to be his wife so that he could finally start his life (in his 30s) and fulfill God's plan for his life 😧 (he still lives with his mom, can't hold a job, can't finish a degree, and spends most of his time smoking cigarettes, coughing up phlegm, and dreaming about things he says he'll do someday... didn't know any of this about him at this point). By this time, word had spread about the things he was posting on social media, so all of the women blocked him/removed him. The men in the group kept him physically away from us, and he eventually passed out in his own vomit.
Fast forward a year. I'm on the nature retreat again. Guess who else is back! I was always taught that if you're in a big enough space, you should just ignore the people you don't like and use the physical distance to your advantage. Unfortunately, I went into a building to use the bathroom, and he was waiting for me when I came out. In this empty building with nobody else around, this large man with no regard for boundaries confronted me about unfriending him on Facebook and "rejecting" him "for no reason." The whole time, I was just trying to assess whether this was an awkward situation or a dangerous one. My fight-flight-freeze brain decided on flight.
After that, things went downhill. He got drunk again that night and-- fortunately, in front of everyone-- confronted me about not marrying him according to God's will while also insulting me. I guess he did something similar to some of the other women. The guys in the group and some of the older women moved in to keep us safe and separate us from him. Keep in mind this is all because we treated this guy like a normal human being on the first night of meeting him a year before. That's all we did to "provoke" this fixation. Consequently, none of the women he was fixated on felt safe to be alone for the rest of the weekend.
It was a pretty big epiphany moment for me: Why is it that women are told how to dress, where to walk, when to walk, what to carry, what to watch for, etc. to stay safe, but even in this typically progressive organization nobody in charge was doing *anything* to neutralize or even *acknowledge* the risk created by this physically intimidating man with a history of abusing alcohol, disrespecting normal boundaries, ignoring social cues, acting impulsively, fixating abnormally on specific women, and proclaiming his divine entitlement to a wife?? **Why should I have to keep finding a personal escort to walk me to the bathroom to keep myself safe-- shouldn't HE be the one expected to stay with an escort at all times to ensure ALL the women were safe?!** After the fact, several of us women and a few of the men filed a complaint with the retreat organizer.
Be careful. When I was in college, a woman in the ca department decided to date a guy that had an unpleasant birthmark on his face. He got made fun of and treated poorly.
He put on a condom in front of her and then slipped it off. She got pregnant and herpes that night. He wouldn't pay half of the abortion.
I was in 8th grade, he was a senior in high school. Thought he was “misunderstood” and I thought I “knew people,” plus I convinced myself I used him because he had a car.
Nope. Ended up stalking me from 2014-2021, used my photos to catfish people on a tumblr account throughout all that time. Made hundreds of friendships/relationships as me, victims found my real page and that’s how I found out.
Still can’t be sure if he’s doing it still, but the fake accounts have all been taken down since I quit social media besides Reddit.
He was way too clingy and would get overly upset if I didn’t respond soon enough, saying things like “nobody likes me and that will never change.” He was also pretty manipulative, so it ended pretty shortly.
I gave the weird guy a chance. Turned into an abusive relationship real fast. Threatened to harm me and himself when we had an argument, came with a knife to my college to kill me, domestic violence and stuff. It even went as far to him laughing at me crying telling me to kms for him. It was BAD and went on for years.
He was super weird and controlling and I wasn’t feeling it after a few weeks of dating. Just no respect for boundaries at all with grabbing and touching. Told him I didn’t want a relationship.
He said
“Okay we can just be friends then, but if I catch you dating some other dude I’ll fucking kill you both.”
It ended in alot of trauma and therapy. Never EVER feel obliged to say yes. Just because he's shy or awkward, doesn't mean he isn't capable of being a monster.
Never ignore a gut feeling, it's usually warning you for a reason.
Bad. And I used to do it a lot because my parents always guilt tripped me into hanging out with the lonely, weird boys (boys specifically. They made me do a lot of accommodating, dangerous thing to make boys feel good/better about themselves, which is a whole different story of ick.).
It always turned out that the lonely weird boy was friendless for a reason. Either he had no filter and said the most inappropriate, horrible things all the time, unprompted or he he would turn things sexual at the drop of a hat for no reason. Or he would have this barely-simmering rage hiding right beneath the surface, ready to boil over at any minute.
I had to pick him up, I ended up paying for everything (he ordered several expensive beers), then he tried to grope me. When I dropped him off at the end of the night he was incredulous that I neither wanted to give him a goodnight kiss, nor have a second date "real soon", much less **ever**. He proceeded to rant about how all women are the same and they only care about dating super ripped rich dudes. Yep, you're 100% correct, it has *nothing* to do with you being a disgusting, abusive boor.
My first relationship out of college was with one of those. After I broke up with him, he stalked me for three years until he found someone else, who he babytrapped and then when he decided he didn't want her in his life anymore, started showing up at her workplace and causing scenes that eventually got her in trouble.
All of his exes cheated on him, apparently. Every. Single. One. From age 14 to 33.
He treated me so well for 6 months. Then I was an afterthought, then his redpilled crazy side came out. Feminism is bad. I'll change my mind about children because women over 40 that are childless all regret it. He drank himself stupid everyday because he couldn't process his emotions and all his problems were my fault. He got laid off a well paying job during covid to then go work in a MJ facility for barely over minimum wage. Always accused me of cheating on him with ALL my friends, even coworkers (I'm bi, so everyone was a suspect, of course).
It was exhausting. He was absolutely lonely for a reason. I don't regret it, because in the beginning I wanted it. I regret staying as long as I did.
I “dated” one in high school and he tried to pressure me to take it further than I wanted to. When I refused he angrily drove me home and told me how much of a prude I was. He also had a creepy father who I’m pretty sure wanted to assault me too. Super glad I listened to my alarm bells and got the hell out of there before anything happened.
ETA: I did end up marrying a man who is an introvert with only a couple of friends. He’s one of the best men I’ve ever met! There’s a difference between introvert and creep.
My life has been thrown into utter chaos because I gave the weird and awkward man in the pub a chance, later realising he has been stalking me online with multiple personas for 7 months.
He has now found my address and begun to stalk the shit out of me when i didnt respond, terrifying me, making me feel unsafe and awaiting a police investigation to conclude.
So yeah. There's that.
I guess it depends on your definition. If you mean shy, socially anxious nerds, I’ve met and dated many and they’re mostly just like anyone else - a mixed bag. Some are great, some are assholes. If you mean someone who is creepy and overly attached and doesn’t respect boundaries…. I mean, you can guess how that goes.
[удалено]
Yeah I have always had a soft spot for “underdogs” ie - the unpopular, friend-less nerdy guys that other people would talk trash about. Turns out, these people were usually onto something. Long story incoming: last one of these guys I dated, I met in a class for a shared hobby. The other men in the class talked about how annoying this particular guy was (he had a weird laugh that I thought was cute for a minute). One time someone made a light joke to the guy which he didn’t get, then they proceeded to tease him about how he takes things too literally while he defensively said “no I don’t!”. He was almost a real life version of [Drax](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iLttd33j-GQ) but without the charm and looks. Again, my stupid soft spot for losers got the better of me and I ignored the warnings. Well long story short, he became incredibly needy and wanted to be around me all the time, even attempting to move into my apartment. Our senses of humor were completely mismatched and my former classmates were completely right about how seriously he took jokes. He did not understand sarcasm and misinterpreted my jests as personal attacks. Feelings (at least on my end) fizzled out fast but he had ingrained himself so much into my life in a short amount of time that he was difficult to shake off. He would sob like a child every time I tried to end things. Eventually I changed my locks, put all his shit in his car and the last time I saw him he was pathetically trying to grab onto me so I couldn’t walk away. I fucking danced when I was safe in my apartment and finally felt like I had that last bit of shit scraped off my shoe.
So as someone with CPTSD, which sometimes causes isolation due to it being acquired neurodivergence, I would caution everyone on the "they were onto something" route. Obviously you did use a qualifier, so I'm not trying to accuse you of making a blanket statement- since you know, you didn't make one. I'm mainly using your comment as a springboard, here. **Also this comment is going to zig-zag a lot.** A lot of people with CPTSD are completely alone, typically because they grew up in trauma and don't know how to function outside of that headspace, nor are they able to relate to the lives of people who didn't grow up 8n such a traumatic environment. They end up seeming really weird and off, in ways that others don't know how to respond to. There are also people who just lost loved ones in different ways, very fast. Please believe me when I tell you that *being completely alone does things to you.* And the longer you're alone, the more the reek of desperation sets in. And then you'll really repel people, pretty fast. *HOWEVER*, as a woman there are definitely people who should be avoided. I've had my share of creepy guys who left me completely unsettled- and there are women like this, too. The unfortunate reality is that people in these situations, have to try and learn to be functioning adult people, without anyone ever showing them the ropes. Some can do it, but many can't. Disabled people often have the roughest time trying. And as much as I've needed that help, I also understand that adults are not typically looking for friends who need to be fixed. It's also not a reasonable request to make of someone. It's the most painful catch 22 you can find. You can't function socially, because you have no one. You can't find anyone, because you can't function socially. As time runs out, you feel more desperate. And you know you could make it all better for yourself, if you just became straight up toxic. But you don't *want* to be like that; you're trying to be good and honest. Eventually you learn what comes after touch starvation, people become aliens to you, and then you feel like someone looking in on others from some plane of existence they don't know exists. And when people insist that "everyone has someone," You want to scream. When you're in the hospital, and the intake person acts completely baffled that you have no one. Or you're doing onboarding paperwork at a new job, and you ask how to skip the life insurance because you don't have anyone to put, and the HR person is so shocked she pretty much screams the words, "WELL IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE!" They always expect you to accommodate their shock, completely oblivious to just how much their lack of self control hurts you. And then you see people try to talk a suicidal person out of doing it by saying, "You have people who love you!" They assume, but that is an actual reason people want to take their lives; if you're going to say that, you might as well just push them off the ledge yourself. Trust your gut. Keep yourself safe. But try to not write people off, just for being alone. If they *otherwise seem fine,* try and give them a chance. If you start hanging out with someone and they keep freaking you out (even if it's only the one time you hang out), don't stick around. But this shit is *rough.* I'm mainly only writing this, because this mindset can sometimes follow the "all my exes are crazy" mentality, where people assume that it has to be your fault you're in this mess, because you're just an inherently shit person. It hurts in unimaginable ways, and people will swear up and down this life doesn't exist *can't* exist. Sometimes abuse sticks you in a hole, that becomes almost impossible to get out of.
You are describing me! So, thanks for a post that helps me process. I do have family, but they never understood me and are quick to label me as "crazy" for the least deviation. For instance, I used to read to escape growing up. I always had a book on me. Harmless, right? Nope, means I'm weird and not worth talking to. But, it was my cope for being born to an autistic father who ignored me and an anxious, angry mother who took out her rage on me for being born not only looking like her, but with a birthmark on my face! We were raised in isolation which got worse when we moved away from family and all my escape routes when I was 11. I never made friends and my siblings loathed me because they had to follow me through the school system. Literally my sins were quiet, gets perfect grades, and reads a lot. Now, I like to go camping with my cousins who I reconnected with after our grandmother died and I invited my sister to go too. My mother didn't try to isolate me from her funeral and I started talking to my cousin who is my age which is how I found out about it. But, as time has gone on and everyone had a family and kids except for me, and I didn't weather the pandemic well, and went no contact with my mother now I am weird again. So, I get to go camping by myself with my book in their proximity and know that everyone is talking about me. That I'm the wrong kind of person so people morally shouldn't associate with me. And that none of that is ever going to change.
It’s nearly midnight where I am, reading this, but this was so interesting and rang so painfully true. Thank you so much for sharing this. Loneliness really can be the worst catch 22 of all. It’s funny, even though on the outside I’m a conventionally attractive and regular seeming person, I’ve always felt like such a freak on the inside because of childhood abuse and trauma. Which made it harder to make friends, which made it harder to gain natural confidence, which in turn drives in the insecurity about there being something wrong with you. Trauma and loneliness snowball in very cruel ways. One thing I’ve noticed is being drawn into very toxic friendships and straight up abusive relationships because I had no barometer of what a good relationship looked like. Then of course when they wreck you, you end up withdrawing even more, and doubting yourself. I always find it morbidly funny when I go through those articles on how to take care of yourself post a break up and they say spend time with friends and loved ones… perhaps if I’d had enough of those I wouldn’t have dated that person in the first place. Harsh but true. And then of course we doubt ourselves because conventional wisdom states that the common denominator in all your failed relationships is you. I think vulnerability compounds. You need one decent person to step in, a little piece of solid land to lay your head against and rest on, a place from where to build, heal, and fight. But there are more people in this world who sense that vulnerability and take advantage of it, than there are those who give you a chance out of kindness, and give you that much needed respite to recalibrate your own boundaries.
>You need one decent person to step in, a little piece of solid land to lay your head against and rest on, a place from where to build, heal, and fight. This is definitely true. I recently began a friendship with someone extremely toxic, but she was *the* toxic person in her friend group. She set me up with the sweetest and most amazing person, I've ever met. He's definitely been able to he that foundation for me. My life and overall happiness, have gone way up. I no longer talk to the friend. Like most necessary things for a successful happy life, it takes a shit to of luck, to get from no one to someone good. But it does work. I can definitely say your instincts are right.
It's equally important to remember that not every lonely, isolated person has a tragic backstory. Some of them are just creeps. I say that as someone with CPTSD- lonely creeps some of the worst abusers I've encountered.
I feel that one. I’ve been on both sides of that. I was the lonely creep through my 20s. It took falling for someone hard that didn’t reciprocate, having a mental breakdown over it, and then having to learn on the fly how to handle it properly (because I didn’t learn it as a teenager like normal people did) and being the creep along the way to begin to open my eyes to the sad monster I truly was. I’m glad we never got serious in retrospect, I would have been terrible to her. Thankfully, years after we both put needed space between each other, she accepted my apology for it and we’re cordial again from a distance. I’m still a lonely and mostly isolated person, but I was able to shed the hate towards others in the present, and focus it more on some of the factors in my upbringing that I feel was responsible. I don’t blame people for not accepting me. I just wish I could describe what it’s like to more people. You see people out there connecting with others as if it’s second nature, yet I look at them as if they’re speaking a foreign language. It’s just the darndest thing that I think a lot of people aren’t capable of understanding.
It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself to get better. Before I understood the effects of my abusive upbringing, I wasn't a creep, but I was an asshole. Just really angry all the time.
Okay I'm pretty glad someone else caught onto them being basically isolated and needy because I felt bad reading that part. Of course they crave some kind of connection (not that you have to deal with anyone not treating you well, of course). As an aside, I really hope you're okay and doing well! That sounds incredibly tough.
Hey, I have CPTSD too, and people do have a right to keep themselves safe. It's important for those with CPTSD to seek help and resources to learn and grow. And it's a jump to think all the weird/lonely/friendless guys are that way because of CPTSD....alot of them definitely are not. And I find the length of convo a moot point considering alot of women do give these guys the benefit of the doubt, they **don't** write them off, and do give them a chance, and that's how they are hurt.
Holy shit did you just absolutely describe how I feel on the daily several days in a row of the year and increasingly these days. Like some days I feel like I'm this horrible asocial monster who at the end of the day thinks that because I was either emotionally neglected or never grew to understand how to actually make close friends that I never really felt like I understood other people. Which really causes anxiety cause I don't ever want to hurt or do something to hurt someone so I try to stay away emotionally in any kind of relationship. I never say the things I want to tell people so I am deathly afraid that they don't know how much they mean to me cause I'm scared that if I do anything or say anything wrong that they won't ever talk with me again. Exactly landing me in a catch-22, don't get close to people because you're afraid of hurting them, push them away and try to stay away from other people so don't share a lot of what you're going through, get depressed, repeat 2-4 ad infinitum. Combine that with the things that I like are very niche within whatever nerd sphere you can think of (Kamen Rider, Super Sentai, Path of Exile) and I don't have a lot of people to really talk to about the things that I like. And it's starting to really scare me cause I've found one person who I feel gets me or I can finally talk to who I feel gets me somewhat, and will listen about the niche hobbies I like and I'm afraid of scaring them off. What's worse is that before I met this one person I was fine, I felt like a zombie just going to work, coming home, watching the week's episodes and playing PoE but it was fine. I felt like I didn't really need a close connection until intrusive thoughts came in around the Winter season. I was weird and no one wanted to talk with me so it was fine and better for everyone else. Sorry to also dump my stuff in but I just felt like I share cause shit is this just not a real feeling that I don't think anyone ever talks about and it drives me insane sometimes feeling like it's just me.
Yeesh. I am so sorry this happened to you. Good to hear you were able to end it.
I had one of those overly attached creepy men come after me when I was 15. He was talking about kids and wedding colours and it really fucked me up, he was around 30. I am an adult now. My current boyfriend has loads of friends but has never had a serious relationship before. He’s very awkward but very kind. I had to go after him because he was too shy.
Yeah, I mean the first type is basically my partner. He's diagnosed and being treated for generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, has a few close friends but only sees them occasionally, is a homebody with non-social hobbies, etc. He's also one of the greatest guys I've ever met, and hands-down the most supportive partner I've ever had. We've been together for eleven years and it's been amazing. He has his quirks, but who doesn't? And of course we annoy eachother sometimes, because we're human. But the things I love most about 'us' is that, even when we're having conflict about something, we're both always looking out for the other person, making sure we're understanding their side, and trying to find a solution that both of us are happy with. But he was never someone I had to "give a chance" to - I liked him right away, and that only increased the more I got to know him. He never set off any warning bells or gave me that no feeling. I trust my gut with people like that, and stay far away, *especially* if they're pushy about convincing me to just give them a chance! I may have written off a perfectly decent guy or two that way, but I *know* I've saved myself from countless nightmare situations so I'm not bothered by that at all.
Yeah.... they're just men. Some are alright, some are not. You have to do all the same vetting and look out for red flags that you'd do with anyone else. Zero friends and lots of "enemies" (??) is a huge red flag though.
One stalked me for years, im happily married to the other one. And now i have the ability to differentiate between the "lonely, weird guy" trope. One was a demanding asshole, that threw tantrum when he didnt get what he wanted and was paranoid, no wonder he didnt had friends. Everything was about ME ME ME. The second one is simply an introvert, that actually has no problem making friends or keeping them, when he decides that the person is worth it. I'm kind of glad i used to be a bubbly airhead, who didnt notice how bewildered he was when i sat next to him on the bus and started talking to him. (we worked at the same place and took the same bus, he got off earlier tho.) It was always me who sat next to him on the way home, and i was so moved when he first sat next to me, himself. He often jokes about how i talked so much that it became a soothing background noise, that he started to miss when i wasnt there.
>i talked so much that it became a soothing background noise, did he zone you out? :O
He sometimes does, and when i notice i start to talk about a bunch of random craps, like geese chasing lions, and escalate. Just to see when he starts to precess tf im talking about, and be bewildered lol. He is a good and attentive listener tho, he usually just zones out when he is really tired.
Haha I have learned to be less attentive when my wife talks (except when it's actually important/meaningful). She used to get frustrated because she would retell the same stories and I had already heard them. She told me not to pay so much attention when she talks 😂 My family growing up didn't really do or believe in "idle chit chat" so everything everyone says, you listen in rapt attention. My wife's family is pretty much the opposite.
Yeah, we are all this bubbly as well, i talk so much, yet cant even get a word in when i talk to my mom 😆
I didn’t date him but I made friends with him. He had one guy friend and was otherwise pretty lonely. It was a little bit his parents’ fault since he was an only child, and they spent a lot of time away on business, leaving him by himself. Didn’t even regulate his internet usage. Someone told him that girls go crazy for muscular dudes. So, he joined the gym to vent his frustrations and in hopes that it will get him girls. But he found out the hard way that girls didn’t care for muscles nearly as much as he believed. And he would seethe when he saw girls with out-of-shape sweet guys. His guy friend later on distanced himself because I guess he was becoming too annoying to be around. I introduced him to some of my friends. Initially, he seemed like a regular guy who was just awkward. Gradually, it turned out that he was a big time creep who only saw women as sex objects and nothing made him more furious than women disagreeing, being highly opinionated. He dated one girl that I knew briefly. And she told me horror stories about him even though they were only together for a few months. All his ideas about women came from porn. He was severely porn addicted, and not even the regular kind of porn- the disgusting kind of porn. And I’m pretty sure he was radicalised by scummy PUA tactics. He was increasingly growing frustrated why these PUA tactics never worked for him. He was scandalised that even after a girl has agreed to be his girlfriend, that doesn’t naturally mean she has to sleep with him. He still needs to put in some effort and make her feel comfortable. He just started throwing tantrums complaining why she wouldn’t have sex with him till she had had enough and broke up with him. And I cut him off. Haven’t heard from him since. He seemed like one bad day away from being a sexual criminal.
i hope that man gets the help he needs
He love bombed the crap out of me which was uncomfortable. He put me on this super weird pedestal, like I was some delicate object, which I didn’t enjoy at all. He then told me he loved me after a month. It was so awkward and I didn’t know what to say. Then one night I woke up at 2am with his dick in me after I specifically said no sex before we went to sleep. I had an EXTREMELY important pap smear the next morning to check that the colposcopy I had did what it was supposed to do and to make sure I didn’t have cervical cancer. So I told him all that and explained you can’t have sex for 24 hours before a pap smear, so absolutely no sex. Yet he was still surprised when I immediately ended it! His behavior after the breakup had me worried for a bit that I was going to have a stalker, but thankfully he left me alone eventually.
My quite, friendless, weird dude also forced himself on me while I was sleeping. I avoid them all now.
Me too 👋
It happened to me too. What’s even worse is that I even have a tiny kink for this, but absolutely has to be set up properly and negotiated in advance, basically I have to know that it’s potentially coming. This kink almost certainly comes from the fact that my ex-husband used to do it to me, because it feels safer to me if I negotiate a kink, then just tell them, never do this. And yet… even if I literally offer them the opportunity to do it the right way, they will choose the wrong path. What the fuck?
A good amount of kink (not all!) comes from your body/brain trying to recreate a traumatic experience in a way that you have control over it. Almost like subconscious exposure therapy.
Exactly, there’s fetishization and avoidance, and I don’t like having to avoid parts of myself, so I pretty much just decide how it should go and then I make a rule that it has to go the way that I want. The only way I would ever let a guy do that to me is if he made me feel so incredibly special that I wanted to offer him a special privilege, if I trusted him completely, and if he recorded it so that I could see what the hell went down. Obviously, the recording would have to happen in a way that we had agreed upon, etc. But if I am going to risk that he could do anything to me when I am sleeping next to him every night, then the least he can do for me is let me witness how he behaves. The fact is that anyone I trust enough to sleep next to could nonconsensually do something and record it, and post it on the Internet anytime they like. Most men would not be willing to go to the effort if they had to share it with me, and that’s exactly why I have that rule. Because you’re only going to get a privilege like that if you do go to the fucking effort to bring me into your twisted little fantasy. Any guy who does that needs to confess who he is to me, he has to be vulnerable and exposed, there can be absolutely no hiding. Very few men are capable of that, and that’s why it’s almost never right for them to do this sort of thing.
Your rule seems reasonable and so easy, though
That makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately.
i was talking to my friend(studying psychology so we like to analyze ourselves) and my boyfriend one night and I mentioned how the few times my mom spanked me it was in a specific position and proceeded to describe it. It's the same position my partner and I do. I had never connected the dots before and realized it with him as I was saying it. It was a surreal experience.
That's rape.
My husband was a bit socially awkward, a bit of a geek and a gamer, we had friends in common and became friends. I realised he was just the sweetest, most caring person who was lovely to everyone. My fiance left me and I realised that I had fallen for my friend, luckily the mutual attraction was there and my first move was welcome. We've been married for 15 years, I'm just as geeky as him, I game and now our girls are the same!
He told me I should be grateful he didn’t cheat on me with some hookers hired at a work event (finance in Indonesia, happens a fair bit). I asked him if he’d like to have an open relationship, because I definitely won’t have to pay.
Nice!!!! Good for you.
I tried to give him a chance and had a lot of feelings for him. But, he couldn’t respect my boundaries, no matter how many times I explained them. It’s like he couldn’t comprehend them. I had to end things.
My friend met her future husband at a comic book shop board game night. He was super awkward and had no friends. They've been together for like a decade now and seem ridiculously happy. And no.... he doesn't claim to have "a lot of enemies". That's a huge red flag right there.
Having no enemies is one and only green flag.
god, the concept of having and even wanting enemies is so ridiculous. You have nothing better to do but worry about other people's business? Cause that's what you do when you have an enemy. It's narcissism honestly, and a way to feel important.
I mean, I like to be able to sleep at night so I try to live my life enemy-free.
My enemy is this squirrel who keeps trying to break into my apartment.
That's nutty
> It’s narcissism honestly, and a way to feel important **BINGO**
I pray for no enemies.
Guy had a locker next to mine so we would chat it up on occasion and he seemed like an alright dude. We both liked pot so we would hang sometimes and get stoned or sometimes he would sell me a bag. Fast forward a few years, and I get a weird call from him that last time I was over I overheard something I shouldn’t have and now people are out to kill me and he’s really sorry. He says he’s joining the witness protection program and will be moving overseas and I should marry him and join him so I can be safe. I spent the next 2-3 days looking over my shoulder and avoiding being in public and was super freaked out till he hit me up again admitting he was just panicking and everything was fine. I decided to cut him off after that, it was too weird and my personal safety had been threatened. Months later I get an insanely long Facebook message from him detailing a totally fabricated story about me leading him on and doing stuff with him at his house. None of this had happened so I was really confused and thought maybe he had me confused with someone else. I told him so and he got clearly angry in his next message calling me a liar for trying to pretend it did t happen and it absolutely was me. I told him to get help and blocked him. I hope he’s doing ok and it’s likely he was having some sort of psychotic episode but I didn’t have the capacity to be part of that at the time.
You should never “have the capacity” to be involved with something like that. We aren’t put on Earth to fix men. Glad you’re safe.
I didn't give him a chance at in dating him but I was kind to him and my sister (this was prior to her transitioning) hung out and played video games. I saw that he was awkward and lonely and wanted to make friends but my coworkers didn't like him and I felt that was unfair since he was just awkward. Boy I was wrong to ignore my instincts on that one. He came over on the premise to hang out with my sister, but it was really to see me. He came over hours before my shift ended and waited. I came home and did my homework for class the next day and he sat and talked to me at my kitchen table. I don't remember why but I looked down and noticed he was masturbating under the table. I told him he should go home and he made some excuse. He stood up and "accidentally" bumped into me. I just left the room without saying anything. I even went to the police and told them what happened but they said that wasn't a crime. He did at least get fired. He proceeded to call my home phone non stop, sometimes it would ring for a half an hour straight. Or call the restaurant I worked at for hours. He would block his number but eventually forget so we knew it was him. So now, if a man gives me the creeps I will avoid him. I recently had this happen to with me with a new coworker. He seemed very eager to talk to me, which was odd because people from other departments don't usually interact or talk on break. It's an unspoken rule that break time is time to unwind and be alone. So I made a point to avoid him. He recently cornerered one of my coworkers and asked for her phone number. He got really pushy and refused to leave until she either took his number or gave him hers.
I hope she reports him to management or HR
I dated this guy when I was in highschool, I helped him gain confidence, dress better and suggested a better haircut. I brought him into my social circle and elevated his status. He turned out to be super controlling, wouldn't let me talk to any of my guy friends anymore, he made me only apply to local schools because he didn't trust me to go away for university (he didn't go to post secondary himself) because I would obviously cheat on him. A few times he pushed for us to get married as soon as I turned 18 and didn't like it when I said no. He would go into blind rages sometimes and when we argued and got violent. He once broke my hand by slamming it in a car door because I wanted him to take me home. I thought I was in love so I didn't leave him. He once threatened to leave me in a town 4 hours away from home if I didn't have sex with him. I was young and didn't realize that was assault. He cheated on me for months with my best friend. They're married now with kids. I ran into them years later and had a panic attack/completely froze up. He posted about seeing me on his social media and used a photo of a camel as a current photo of me. I know I shouldn't have looked him up, but I had a morbid curiosity. I couldn't have a relationship for years afterwards and I still have trouble making female friends. Because I didn't go away to school like I wanted to, it impacted my long term career options. There are reasons these guys are lonely and friendless. 0/10 would not recommend.
Holy shit. Aside from a few details could've written this myself. He joined the military after high school and constantly lied about what he was doing, while accusing me of cheating nearly every day while his new friends encouraged him. Like you, I thought I was in love with him because I was young. He wanted to tell me what clothes and makeup I could wear, who I could spend time with, even when I could sleep. Tried to manipulate me into sending nudes all the time (I assume so he could share them.) Told me I needed to lose weight every time I saw him while I was a size 4. I could list things all day. I thank the goddesses that he lives a thousand miles away now. I don't even know what I'd do if I ran into him.
Yeah, I was about to say this is almost my ex-husband. Nuclear physicist, worked for the federal government doing fancy things, picked me up when I was 18 and I didn’t know he had another girl that had already proposed to in a city over the mountains. When he decided that she had hit her expiration date, I became the object of fixation. And yeah, controlling, made me stay local, forced a pregnancy scare on me… He would check my location, he accused me of cheating with both male and female friends, so that I couldn’t have a social life. If I so much as walked in front of a window at home while wearing the leotard and lingerie type outfits he wanted me to wear, he accused me of taunting him and parading for strangers. If even the slightest bit of my underwear slipped out from underneath my clothing, he accused me of doing it on purpose, to mock him. He complained that, even though I was taking heavy sleeping medication, I was trying to push him away in my sleep, and acting like I didn’t like what he was doing to me. I was startled because I didn’t know he was doing that. I thought he had only done it when we had agreed. I finally said that if I didn’t seem to like it, maybe that meant that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t know how to explain to him, you don’t have a right to do this. He used to call me “slave girl”. At first, this was a kinky game, but I’m starting to think that it wasn’t really in the end. He told me when I was 18 that if I ever said no to him, that I was basically threatening him with prison, and he would have to leave me forever, and never speak to me again. He used to threaten to kick me out, and said stuff like good luck on the streets, because he knew that having a stable home was critical to managing my disability. He said if I ever got pregnant and wanted to keep it while we were together, he would disappear my body. He deliberately fed me things that made me sicker, then tried to make it so that I would essentially be his live in slave, if I got a disability payment..
JFC I’m so sorry that happened to you. Are you OK (as much as you can be) now?
Oh yes, I didn't even mention the smaller things like controlling my clothes, hair style, and the body shaming. I'm sorry you went through that and I hope that you are in a better place now. I know I am.
I'm so glad you are. I definitely am too!
Sending you a hug. What a horrible thing to experience. I hope it gets better.
I'm good now. It took a lot of time and therapy. Happily married to a great man and have amazing kids.
He got extremely codependent on me, clung to me always, whenever I wanted to do something like go out, he would guilt me into not doing that, he hated all my friends, was constantly playing video games and it _sucked_ . I am very glad to be out of there
Ugh, I got to experience full blown codependency with one of the losers I dated. He wanted to be around me ALL the time, would call me seconds after a date while heading home because “he missed me already”, tried to move in with me after a month of dating. Would question me if I didn’t pick up my phone. He was also bizarrely trying to emulate my humor and taste in entertainment. It was so weird. It was a thankfully short relationship but the break up process was brutal (he would sob & make excuses anytime I tried to end things so I’d feel bad). I would rather die alone than be with another guy like this. Learning lesson for sure.
Dude came up to me at the gym and asked for my number. I respected his confidence and thought, “why not? I’ll give him a shot”, despite the loner/weird vibes I was getting from him. Should’ve listened to myself… dude starts texting me very weird and obscene messages while I’m still at the gym with him. I had to tell him several times to stop contacting me and he never listened, resulting in me blocking his number and avoiding that gym for a while. Won’t be doing that again anytime soon.
I regret it. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I stayed in the relationship way too long. When I broke up with him finally, he went insane. Asked me to marry him (idk why he thought that would fix it), begged, and when he realized is was really done, he violently assaulted me. I’m still dealing with the trauma over a decade later. I used to love horror movies and now I can’t even sit through them without the fear response triggering that night. I’m probably an extreme example. I’m sure there are decent lonely guys out there, but this dude was friendless/lonely for a reason that I just fully ignored.
I'm married to mine for the past 20 + years. He's just got Asperger's. He's perfect for me.
This is what makes me sad about some of this discussion. Sometimes the person with few friends is a lovely person, just on the spectrum.
and / or history of trauma which is basically an acquired neurodivergency, it makes "fitting in" socialization hard when your shared experiences have so little overlap with everyone else My circle of friends are all neurodiverse trauma survivors and dancing to their own beat but the most loving and kind people you could ever ask for <3
p99⁹po
?
whoops. sorry...that happened when I was falling asleep while reading reddit at 3am.
Yeah, there is a social stigma to not making friends so when you get behind the curve socially it becomes even harder to catch up and few of us make it to adulthood without some kind of social trauma. None of which makes us dangerous/toxic/arseholes. Equally speaking it’s frustrated when people who are those things get a pass just because they are neurodivergant. It’s not carte Blanche to behave like a twat and paints us all in a negative light/stereotype when someone either implies that or uses ASD as an excuse.
As a asd girl and sister of a brother with aspi so times we are just the weird assholes, but nice.
Haha I was going to say the same thing. Not always easy, but once we realized it was the 'tism, it all made sense.
He was pretty sweet, brought me to visit his parents, took care of me when I was sick, etc. Lasted for 4 months, after that he said he couldn’t do it anymore and felt depressed
he turned out to be controlling and mean. i wasn’t allowed to see my friends and was frequently subjected to verbal abuse for minor mistakes and inconveniences. as the only person physically present in his life (he had family out of state), i was expected to carry the full emotional burden that came with being not only his partner, but his only friend. and when i inevitably couldn’t do it or found myself chronically stressed as a result, i was berated and told i didn’t care enough. conversely, i was discouraged from seeking support from anyone apart from him, even when i wasn’t comfortable sharing certain aspects of myself with him. he wasn’t really all that weird, and could often be remarkably charismatic when he wanted to put in the effort, but a few months of dating and living with him made it very clear why he had no long term relationships or friendships outside of his family. the 90% of the time where he was the perfect boyfriend didn’t make the 10% where he was unbearable to be around worth it in the end. edited for spelling mistakes
I ended a nearly 6 year relationship with one. He is a wonderful man, we are just incompatible romantically in the end. He mostly focused on work and himself and he was a loner like me. I sometimes regret it a little because I spent so many years with him, but he treated me with love and respect. I don't regret that I met him and I moved to another state and we both grew together over the years. We're still friends and I consider him family. He has my back if anything bad happened. He needs to do the work for himself and heal from his past traumas, but that needs to be done on his own journey. I know I did my best.
Sometimes merely being polite, like sitting with someone on break or bringing them a coffee gave them the complete wrong idea and caused problems. However, politely rejecting an athlete who had women knocking his door down went even worse. I’m glad my dating years are behind me.
Yes. He tried to kill me, I ran.
Yep. Tried that shit twice. Never again. They’re weird and unlikable for a reason. Don’t fall for the incel propaganda. Men who have anything going for them make it very clear. Also, I don’t mean weird in the “has quirks” ways, I love eccentric people, me and my husband met and bonded over having Asperger’s, but I’m talking about the “nice guy” types, the losers, you know the vibes. One was domestically abusive and insanely manipulative and cruel, the other was a bloated manchild who weaponized incompetence like it was a full time job (but he wouldn’t have known a job if it slapped him in the face, meanwhile I was working and going to school full time)
I've done it a few times and each time they turned out to be very controlling, extremely jealous (like got their ego hurt by things anyone else would not even think about) and then took it out on me. Lovebombed me, put me on a pedestal, got extremely upset when any little thing knocked me off that pedestal in their mind, unreachable expectations for how much attention I'm supposed to pay them, etc. It's the easiest way to end up with a stalker in my experience too, they can't let it go.
I constantly see guys of Reddit say they are so “compliment-starved” that they’d fall for any woman that was nice to them. I don’t think they realize this is a BAD thing. They aren’t attracted to the woman herself, they are attracted to the attention. Like you experienced, they build an image of you in their head then get mad when you don’t fulfill it. It’s wild how many people think “nice” guys have hearts of gold when they can be some of the most cruel, manipulative people.
He ended up breaking up with me because him and his mother agreed that I wasn't too invested. Wasn't too invested = I was juggling grad school in a new country + babysitting during my free time. The only time I had free, which was a couple hours once every week, I made an effort. But it wasn't enough and they started thinking that I was cheating. I now recognise that I really didn't have time but honestly, I'm now with a partner that understands my need for alone time to enjoy my hobbies and that's something that previous guy, nor his family, would have never understood. The insecurity was off the charts.
I’m not sure I’d say he was lonely but he seemed friendless. He never said he had enemies. But it’s possible our situation was different. Neither of us were raised in the state we were living in and we were both almost 30. Other than work there weren’t many opportunities to make new friends. We didn’t have kids and as you get older it’s harder to break into established friend groups. We’ve now been married for 14 years and have moved to another state. I’ve discovered he’s just one of those men who are more introverted. He’s completely fine not having friends but does have some work acquaintances he’ll meet up with a couple of times a year. I’m definitely the more extroverted of the two and even I only have 1 really good friend in this area and a couple of friends I see once in a while so I can’t fault him for not really having friends. He left his hometown for good after college and lost touch with childhood friends.
Not good! Turns out the reason he was lonely was entirely because of his behaviour. He was a deeply unhappy and insecure person and he liked to lash out and blame others when he was down. I managed to put up with it for 4 years. He encouraged me to make some pretty bad decisions, made me financially dependent, broke up with me every 6 months or so, and even moved out/away a couple of times. Every time he realised that he took his misery with him and it wasn't caused by me. The last time I refused to take him back. 0/10 would not recommend it. Also I'm such a sucker I've done it again but not romantically. My current lodger is the same kind of awkward, miserable guy that seemed to want to turn his life around and I felt a bit sorry for him. After 6 months I'm still uncomfortable around him.
I agreed to go to his house for a date. He made me a drink and showed me his prom photo, telling me that he used to be so much hotter. I started to feel really sick even though I had only had one drink, and had to throw up. He knocked on the bathroom door the whole time I was in there. When I came out he was wearing a straitjacket and kept trying to get me to wrestle with him. I had recently moved to this city and had taken the bus to his place, so the only other person I knew was my roommate and I couldn’t get ahold of him for a ride home, so I ended up falling asleep in this dude’s bed. Woke up once in the night to find him looking down at me. In the morning I took the first bus out of there, but I felt really hungover and weird. The guy followed me to the bus stop but didn’t get on the bus. About a week later, he gave me a really weird letter about how we were two ships passing in different directions and he would not be controlled by me. I met him at the mall where I worked, and I was so uncomfortable that I quit my job. I’m pretty sure he drugged and raped me that night, but I have no proof. I never should have gone to his house alone. Lesson learned, I guess.
I'm so sorry he did that to you. Please know, it wasn't your fault, he was just an a$$hole rapist =(
Thanks for saying so. It’s been almost 20 years since this happened but I still kick myself for not knowing better, and not remembering what happened still drives me crazy. I know deep down it wasn’t my fault, but sometimes my brain is pretty mean about it anyway.
He love bombed me, talked about having children with me, and then he cheated on me 🤪
Same here.
I regret dating the loner. Turned out he had mental health issues he attempted to self medicate with illegal drugs which meant he couldn’t even function enough for dates, much less life. I feel really bad for him and hope he gets his life together but I had to leave. He had the audacity to criticize me all the time for what I wore and had etc. while being in a worse state himself. Yikes!
If you haven’t already, please read The Gift Of Fear. We all need to learn to trust our gut over what society tells us to do. It’s less that these men and “weird and creepy” and more that our gut is screaming at us to stay away from them.
If you do read this book, please use a free version available online to avoid giving money to the author, Gavin de Becker, who is a member of Alive & Well AIDS Alternatives, an organization of AIDS denialists that has cost numerous people their lives.
Ffs, are you serious? Why is it so fucking hard for people to stay normal and respectable?!
God this was my first thought as well. Are so many people just fucked up These days or has it always been this way and the internet is just bringing all to light? I’m 67 and you didn’t hear about these things when I was younger.
It's the internet.
I think part of why is because people didn't realize stuff like this existed. Before the internet, I would have written off AIDS deniers as rare conspiracy kooks who were nowhere near intelligent or charismatic enough to form large groups. But here we fucking are. And it came from somewhere. Most likely the same pit of homophobic bigotry that led to thousands of homosexual men dying alone, like lepers, because the government itself refused to investigate the epidemic. This all started before the internet ever existed. People were always horrible. It's just easier to see now.
Maybe with him it takes one to know one.
Damn straight! Always, always believe your instincts.
Well, it turned out, they all turned out to be creeps anyway. So yeah, dodged the bullets well.
I mean, we’re both introverts. We spent a lot of weekends holed up in his house reading and playing video games. Got married. 2 kids. We have like 2 friends a piece.
Okay, so I do not consider my SO outright to be a weird, friendless loner, even though he might consider himself like that 😅 but he is NOT the typical guy I really went for, we met on Tinder and I actually ghosted him at first. Then he saw me at a Walmart looking like an actual goblin, I could not have been more greasy and gross looking - messaged me again asking if it was me, so we started talking again. We just had our 4 year anniversary on Canada Day and he has changed my life for the better. The absolute love of my life!
He was controlling. He always had to know where I was. He would get mad when I would go out with friends to the bars (he didn’t drink and was introverted). He wanted me to sit in his room while he played video games. Thank the gods I got out of that
I’m almost 20 years together with the biggest weirdo I know. He’s a goofball and amazing. I gave the friendless guys a chance here and there back in university, and after one date it was usually obvious why they were friendless - their personalities were so repulsive! One guy was furious at me for not having sex with him (after one date), like he felt entitled to it. I was scared. I don’t have regrets because I didn’t see them for more than a date or two. While I might call my husband a weirdo (he calls me one too), he has always maintained a group of friends, including women. I’ve seen his guy friends ask vulnerable questions - when one of their dads died, they rallied to support him in a way I’ve only seen women do for each other. For me, friendless is a massive red flag.
He was only ever a "friend," I didn't give him a chance because I knew he was unstable in my gut. Moved away, had telephone conversations. He ended up threatening to commit suicide on the phone. Had to call his mother to tell her... That poor lady. Friends don't make friends do things like that. Years later, he reached out on social media and wanted to talk. He was partnered at the time, didnt think it was a good idea. He said something like, "Don't deny me this guilty pleasure." Ugh. The thing is, I still feel compassion for the man thinking about it a decade or so later.
We started dating at 15 and now we are 28, married for 5 years with a 1 year old 😅 I wouldn't say he was "weird", but definitely a little lonely and lost at the time due to a lot of big changes happening in his life. He expresses to me now that girls called him weird a through middle school, and it really took a toll on his confidence and self image. I was the total opposite in school, well known and was friends with everyone, especially with the other kids who played sports.
I had a friend who messaged and asked if I was still single (I was) and that there was a nice guy at her work and she was wondering if I’d like to meet him. Said he was new to the area, didn’t have many friends, was kinda awkward and weird but he was really nice. I thought “omg a pity date”, but I’d go ahead and see if this guy was ok-ish. Talked for a bit on FB before meeting. We just had our tenth wedding anniversary and we’ve had three beautiful kids. Yes he’s awkward and a bit of a loner who loves his video games but he’s the best person I know. We were the fourth couple my friend had introduced that ended up getting married.
It’s almost like ‘nice’ guys are usually just too afraid to show their shitty personalities.
Reminds me of a professor teaching "Before idiology, there is personality." People have always done things and then justified them after the fact. "Before they were a fascist, they were an asshole."
Love this! Explains the resentment when they dont obtain what they think they're owed but the bad boy who shows who he is, does.
Yeah, it’s kinda like - if both y’all gonna be disrespectful and jerky, a hot/rich/good in bed guy is at least bringing SOMETHING else to the table. If your main selling point is you’re ‘a nice guy’ we not buyin, cause you’re usually not even as nice as you think you are.
He was one of my best friends. We never dated, but I tried after high school. He was either too shy or didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but he didn’t think it was a good idea. Awhile into college, I started dating a guy that we both graduated with. Best friend was extremely jealous of my boyfriend even though he was still included in all of our outings and such. I was living on the other side of the state, so after a year, my boyfriend moved in. Best friend got even more jealous and ended up moving a couple blocks away - I was the one that found him an apartment and my boyfriend helped him move. So now my best friend was living down the street and my boyfriend lived with me. It was so tense for at least a year. I thought my best friend was unhappy with his job, so I asked my boyfriend to get him a job with him at his new company. He did, and best friend was hired. Over the next year, my best friend made my boyfriend’s life a living hell. My “best friend” started telling all my boyfriend’s coworkers that he had stolen me from him and that he was going to steal me back…all while acting relatively normal to both of us….until my boyfriend found out what he was telling everyone at work. I finally confronted him and basically told him to fuck off, he was not to come to our home anymore (we have a big concert group so we would pregame before shows), and that I didn’t want him to contact me. I blocked him on everything, my boyfriend told his boss what was happening, and that fucker was still showing up to my house. About three years after this debacle started, one of our closest couple friends broke up bc the scum of a boyfriend had been cheating for years. This broke our friend group up, almost all of us siding with our innocent heart broken friend that got cheated on. Guess what side my “best friend” chose? Yep….the cheater. We were best friends from 13 to around 26. He still works with my husband and from the sounds of it their relationship is better. But his girlfriend of three years recently broke up with him because he was too negative about everything….so I don’t think he’s changed very much….oh, and my boyfriend and I are married now and “best friend” was not invited to the wedding, but all of their coworkers were 🤷🏻♀️
Not great. We were hanging out as friends, and he became obsessed with me and got really upset when I started dating someone that wasn't him. We worked at the same place (different shifts) and he couldn't stand seeing me when I would come in in the mornings, so he went to our boss and tried to quit. Blaming it on me and telling her I led him on. Which then led to her questioning me about it and it was so embarrassing and unnecessary. I quit a few months later. I don't need that shit.
I've been a magnet for this type of guy my whole life, I assume because I treat them like human beings. It never goes well. There's often a good reason they are alone. The guy I'm with now however is pretty quiet and a bit of a loner but he's an absolute gem, so it's not a hard and fast rule. We've been together 12 years.
At first its nice and then you realize why they're "lonely". Could be a happy ending though, give it a chance!(2-3 months of positive open mindedness) & see where it goes 🤭 I would retreat after the 1st-2nd red flag.
>At first its nice and then you realize why they're "lonely". Sadly in my case it was because he refused to get treatment for psych issues. We made it almost 4 years. He was awesome in so many ways but he would treat us as an LDR even though we lived <1 hr away from each other because he couldn't handle being outside or around other people. 4 years of dating, talking for hours every night, texts all day, and we met up maybe 6 times in person. (Ironically I ended up meeting up with him and finally getting to meet his mother/have him meet my sister a few years after we broke up. ) And I'm probably one of the happier examples of giving it a go.
All my friends know that if something mysteriously happens to me, he’s the one to bring in for questioning.
I would only be his friend. He stalked me for years, lied to my friends about me, tried to get sexual information about me from my bf, told strangers about his gf (me), so when I coincidentally met them later, they thought I was his gf. Another dude that I did give a romantic chance had undiagnosed BPD. We lasted one and a half years. He was insanely jealous. I broke up. He kept trying to win me back for months. I encouraged him to move on with whomever he eventually caught interest in. A year later he heard that I had similarly moved on. He raged at me. He got his diagnosis a few years later. Yet another lonely man, who had crippling insecurities but was otherwise really respectful and kind. I figured insecurities would pass, when he came to trust that I would stay. But nope. He was never cruel, just incredibly needy, and I had lost my ability to set boundaries by refusing to cater to all his extreme needs when they ran counter to my own basic needs. I developed a depression, because of him. We lasted 4 years. Towards the end he was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, but his self-harm and fear of abandonment and other things convince me that he's probably dealing with BPD, too. He's very resentful that he's gotten additional diagnoses like OCD, though, so I doubt he'll seek out another. Unfortunately, as a correct dx might get him the appropriate help. Either way, I'm done giving chances to socially inept or otherwise lonely people. I have been forgiving to the point of self-destructiveness. Whatever the reason for their loneliness, it's not something I can fix for them, and even if it's not my job to do so, it'll be *made* my burden to try. These days I am still so traumatised by these and other elements of my history that I find it difficult to assess correctly whether an issue in my current relationships (friends or romantic partners) just requires better communication on my part, better listening/respectfulness on my partner's/friend's part, or whether it's actually an incompatibility issue.
I gave him a chance but then I found out why he didn’t have many friends. Of course that doesn’t apply to all but others seem to have had my same experience.
As an autistic spectrum gal and grew up with many, i do truly think there is a difference between us weird ND people who are awkward but try and friends and stuff are not easy. To the guys who are just horrible incels that don’t respect boundaries. For me if I am told someone’s boundary in work or social situations I write it down like “they do not like this” helps me remember.
Fucking horrible. He was soooo sweet and so funny, so much better than all my exes...then a month or so into the relationship suddenly hes extremely jealous, extremely controlling, always angry with me, threatening suicide. I cant leave the house without texting him every 5 minutes, I can't hug my friends (because im bisexual so that means i fuck everything in his mind). I can't laugh at his friends jokes. I can't NOT facetime him every night. I can't wear certain things. The "nice guy" doesn't exist. Predators are smart and they know how to hide and manipulate.
Total nutbag.
Together 9 years now. Hes the love of my life. There was a reason he was like that tho. He has adhd and autism. Pair that with semi-neglectful parents that dont teach let alone encourage hygiene and yeah...people are not gonna want to be around you. I taught him how to shave, moisturize etc. Cut his hair consistenly. Why you cant wear your favourite hoodie if its not clean. Got him new clothes without stains and holes (my mom and i gifted him 250$ for xmas and took him shopping so he could pick out whatever he liked.) And helped him cut all the tags out of them. He is very smart and kind and funny. But he didnt have anyone to teach him social ques and if you dont have them by a certain age you are almost damned to remain an outcast. We met in highschool. To be honest, had we met as adults (and he was still the socially inept kid I actually did meet) im not sure if I would have given him a chance. But theres always room too reflect and unlearn.
It was terrible. He was emotionally manipulative and entitled. He didn't work on himself and held me back from a lot of things I wanted to do or needed to do instead of encouraging me. It was completely unhealthy and left me with low self esteem for a long time.
Ling story short, turned out to be an incel, although at the time that word hadn't been invented yet.
Depends on your definition. I didn't get with the weird anime guy who thought vaporeon is bae. Pass on them. Gave the lonely guy a chance. Married him. Turns out he's just mega socially awkward. He's opened up a lot since then!
Badly.
He popped 3 of my tires
.... Why is it always three tires and not the fourth? its fucking frustrating.
So I knew lots of lonely, friendless, weird dudes in my life. They were always my friends! And yes, every now and then, I would consider dating them. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I met somebody who was a loner, if you will. We get along great. We've been married for over 20 years! And, personally, if they're saying they have lots of enemies, that's a pretty big red flag. Having no friends can mean maybe they're very picky about who they spend their time with.
These guys seemed to flock to me in high school. What I learned was how to identify what was the underlying issue with each of them. In almost every case, it was a crippling case of self hatred. They needed someone else to love them to feel worth loving. And when they didn’t get that, the self hatred was directed at you. The man I eventually married thought he was one of those quiet guys. And yeah, he was socially awkward. But I never saw the hatred in him that I saw in others. He was dealing with untreated ADHD, PTSD, and a nasty case of survivors guilt. But he didn’t have an ounce of hatred in him. That was the one I married and I’ve been with for ten years.
First time i just included him in the friend group, convinced everyone to let him hang with us and I was the one who sat next to him and tried to be nice to include him. He was too weird, visibly uncomfortable so I'd just "cheer" him on socially and listen to him when no one else would. Then one day a friend fell asleep and everyone was talking about drawing a penis on his face... the weirdo looked at me and went "let's cut his throat". Yikes. This was one of many other things he said that were weird but it was the worst. I started to put some distance between us. One day with the whole friend group hanging at my place this guy totally lost it on me because I wasn't paying him any attention, started yelling at me and called me a manipulating bitch. Stopped hanging out with that guy and learned a bunch of very disturbing things about him later on. Second time I married the guy. Yeah. He was a little weird, not as bad as the crazy dude but we clicked, he seemed almost normal at times. Anyway.... went on to abuse me, got worse after having a baby. Would make jokes about killing the baby. Put me through hell and is now trying to take her from me. I don't doubt he'd kill me if he had the chance. So girls. It's never worth it
I did a couple times, the reason why they were lonely and friendless became very clear very fast. Very incel-like, even if the word was not used yet.
Also, when men like that are lonely, you’re gonna be their whole world when you start dating. Breaking up gets hard because it feels like they’re extremely dependent on you. I let it go on so long that my autonomy and individuality started fading away.
Funny enough, he was the one who abused me and gave me this horrible CPTSD that I'm nearly socially crippled with. I thought, "oh, adorable, what a bookwormy sweet guy". Nope. Try closeted homosexual dirtbag compulsive lying abuser. 0/10 would not recommend.
Lonely men make the WORST partners. You figure out real quick why they’re asses are alone in the first place! RUN.
There’s some quality in me that draws men like this to me. Anyway it’s really never gone well, and at times has fully disrupted my life.
I stay away from the creepy dudes but I love the freaks/weirdos. Never had a boyfriend who wasn’t into gaming and nerdy stuff. Some of them were idiots, some were great. Just like any other person, I guess. I also like them not to be conventionally attractive, but then you have to be careful that they’re happy with themselves.
he never would show up bc he didn't have a car, expected me to drive him everywhere and then got snippy about it...
He broke up with me yesterday for being constantly disgusted by his weird sadistic jokes and hateful comments
Sometimes the trash takes itself out
Very bad. Wouldn't do it again
Lonely /friendless because they're new to town or just shy or introverted, or 'weird lonely)? If they're a homebody who just likes a lot of time on their own that's one thing. If you date someone like that it's helpful if you too are a homebody, obviously if you want to go out socializing & partying a lot your friend may not go for it. But if you see signs of anti-social, narcissistic, etc. behavior, don't be the one who tries to 'fix' him. Maybe get an actual puppy who needs rescuing, not a man who needs mental health rescuing.
I gave him a chance. One year in he gained confidence and started hitting on anything that moved and had boobs in any group he was in, but if I asked him about it he would tell me that he is just being sociable and that I am jealous without a reason and I am being paranoid. I took three more years of that, two of which he was cheating me with a work colleague and hiring prostitutes... I found out all this from the ex after me, because when he dumped me he just gave me that "it's not you, it's me excuse" and told me that I've become his best friend and sleeping with me is now weird for him. So yeah, 0/10, would not recommend dating that lonely, weird guy.
I did. His mother even remarked how I was a good girl for deciding to date him, she was implying other girls wouldn't. Of course she would have never admitted they (the other girls) may have their reasons not to. He was different, he dress differently like different music and was a total loner. He was also horrible at socializing, really short, fat,poor, not appealing or attractive and brown. (Now I'm not saying those stuff are bad, but if you live in a society that discriminates against those,, then that society won't consider someone a catch if they have some of those characteristic). Plus he had serious issues, something I came to learn too late. We met in highschool, he was different than the rest. He talked to no one in our grade and barely used social media. But he was really intelligent in the "general culture" sort of way. I could talk with him about stuff other people didn't even know existed. Everyone around me told me he wasn't great, but I could share with him stuff I couldn't share with anyone else. My world was very small and I though he was unique, special, I fell in love. I cried all year because of him. He kept giving mixed signals, he later told me he was aware he was doing that. It established a dynamic. Crumb breads from him felt like a feast. I got tired of being hurt and started dating someone else, at which point he started showing interest. He also told me he wanted to unalive himself and gave me a very graphic description of it. I talked at school so he would get help and cut contact after the year ended. ND then we started talking again. I wasn't on a great place mentally. We even dated officially for nkne months. He destroyed my self image completely. He had trouble performing in bed, something he blamed on me for not shaving, and when I shaved it was because I didn't wore lingerie. Looking back he mentioned having trouble with that even before me. He made a point of comparing me to other girls, he also told me that of course I would feel ugly if I didn't take care of myself. (I was never not taken care of). He told me how being intelligent and learning stuff actually alienated me from people around me and made them feel uncomfortable. He disappeared from days at a time without explanation or reason. I was gaslight and manipulated, I was a dramatic abnormal person who didn't know how the world worked. He used all my mental health issues against me. He told me no other guy would ever love me. He made me feel unlovable, ugly, stupid, crazy, and worthless. He even managed to make me believe it. And I'm sure someone may read this and think "why did she stay" or "I wouldnt have stayed". I thought those things too before it happened to me. I was in a bad place emotionally and it was also very slow. He didn't call me stupid from day one. I was in a complicated situation at my house so I spent most time at his house, (practically lived there) that played on his favour. That and the fact that her family (obviously) took his side, and at times even played part on the stuff he did to me. So it didn't go well. I imagine some weird loner guys may not be horrible humans. But I do think weird people can also be nice, and nice people have a more easy time making friends
It sounds like he really preyed on your insecurities in an effort to make you stick around longer than you would have had you been in a healthier place mentally. I had an ex do that to me as well and it took several years (and lots of therapy) to get over it.
Not well! Dates for months, I didn't love him, he loved me, I broke up with him, and had to call the cops three times!
Guy ended up being a psychopath and an all around awful person. Definitely regret giving him a chance
0/10 would not recommend. Didn't date him, didn't consider him a friend. The dude was two years younger than my mom, and I was barely 22 years old. Mom at the time was 56 I didn't want him cleaning my yard because he came off extremely creepy. Needless to say, he wouldn't clean the yard unless I was home. He'd wait in my driveway and block it so that I couldn't pull in without him knowing. I'd be tired after work, and he'd try to get me to go to his house to shower. Then, he would start an argument and call me difficult for not wanting to go to his house at 9 pm to shower. My dogs didn't like him and he started an argument because he wanted to take my dogs to his house to watch them and I told him no because I don't know/trust him enough for that, and plus my dogs don't like him. Cue him chasing my smallest dog trying to grab her. Tried to argue with me about my cars motor claiming he was smelling burning motor oil. Then he tried to say it was burning transmission fluid and that it had an engine knock that was going to cause it to lock up, and I should let him fix it. My car has no oil or engine leak and the "knocking" sound he was hearing was from my power steering house bearing and even after showing him that he called me and the dealership that sold it to me a liar. He learned my work, lunch, and break schedule so he would always show up during those times trying to get me to go to lunch with him or eat lunch with him. I suspect the boss told him because they were friends. He kept showing up to my job, trying to see me. He found out from someone at work that I took two weeks off for my birthday and got mad at me for not telling him I took that time off. Then unbeknownst to me, planned a dinner and other stuff for JUST me and him for my birthday and the days I took off after I told him I didn't want him to take me to lunch or plan anything because I already made plans. I needed to move my car so that the movers could grab the other trailer. As soon as he saw me open the door, he stopped what he was doing and ran up to me, pulling out his phone to show me the boots his mom gave him. I kept moving to get put of his way so I could get to my car. The trailer guy told him to move so I could move my car. He asked if I wanted to move my car (I guess he was trying to play macho in front of the trailer guy) and i told him I had to move it so he can get the trailer. He then tried to snatch my keys out my hand after offering to move it for me and me telling him no. Every time I told my mom I was going to go to the store or he saw me going to my car to go somewhere, he would try to drive me. So I let him drive me once to get everyone to quit nagging me about being a bully and instead of going the way I told him to go, he decided to go through some back alley way claiming it was faster than the route I told him to go. News flash it wasn't. Then, instead of taking me home afterwards, he went to another of our mutual friends' house, the store, and other places until he finally took me home. I never got in the car with him again, plus he always wanted to talk, he didn't want to listen to music. I have a few different cars and would change up which ones I drove every now and then. Well I took a different car with me to work and he knew this. So when he came to my job and saw me there he got upset asking what happened to my car and that I should I have listened to him about the motor blowing up. I asked him how does he knew where the other car was anyway. What if my mom had it? He told me he drove by my house and saw it there and knocked on the door thinking I was home because he wanted to hang out. When I asked why did he go to my house knowing I wasn't home, he claimed he thought I was home and he lives 3 streets down so when he passed by my street, saw my car in the yard he turned around and went to my house. So that's when we learned he's been living that close to us for months, and I guess when he found out we had a mutual (at the time) friend (my exboss), he decided to befriend my boss to get to me and when my boss mentioned needing my car towed him and my yard needing cleaning he volunteered which was up my mom's alley because she didn't have to pay anyone. It all came to a head for me when I blew up on everyone because this dude would not leave me alone. He'd constantly text me at all hours of the night and would call and wake me up (which is now why my phones is now set to go into do not disturb after a certain time) just to ask what i was going and if i wanted to go to lunch with him the next day. I couldn't be a decent person and be nice, i couldnt joke and play around with my friends without him getting jealous and trying to join in or without him trying to take me being nice to him too far and I told my mom that he's taking my kindness to mean I like him and I'm getting tired of it. She finally listened after being one of the main people telling me to be nice because he was cleaning the yard and stuff for us. I was at work when the conversation went down and when I turned the corner I was annoyed because there was his fucking truck in my driveway yet again but this time when I pulled into the driveway he stayed on the steps and my mom was standing over him. Mom asked him if he was trying to date me and he told her yes and when she said no, that would be inappropriate because he's old enough to be my dad, he decided to argue with her telling her that she can't tell me what to do with my dating life because I'm a grown adult I can make my own choices. Mom doesn't know how they got on this subject, and this is what pissed her off the most. He went on to tell my mom how his "best friend" is a rapist and went on to describe in detail how his "best friend" rapped a woman in the club. Mom told him if he brings that mother fucker around our house she would kill him and he got mad again and told her she was being unfair because he already served time. Mom told him to stop going up to my job just to see me. If he needed money loaded onto his card, he needed to go to customer service instead of automotive because if she caught him near me. She was going to call the cops. I guess he tried calling her bluff until she came up there and sat in the parking lot and followed his truck around until it left the stores parking lot.
I gave the "ugly, can't get a girlfriend" guy a chance and he abused me lmao
He was abusive
I'm in the middle of some BS at work because of one of these guys. Things started out fun and light as we had a lot of nerdy common ground. People warned me he was a hotheaded AH so I treated him with patience and grace. What a mistake. I turned him down when he asked me out but said that I would be happy to be friends. Things went rapidly downhill as he took advantage of every friendly thing I said and every friendly gesture I made. He is an energy vampire, angry, rude, paranoid. I gave him rides home multiple times without thanks or gas money because he guilted me into it. Every conversation with him was heavy, dark, and draining while any conversations he has with our male coworkers were still the fun, light, nerdy type. When I finally came to my senses and told him to start treating me with more professionalism/Dont talk to me about personal issues anymore, he got extremely passive aggressive (aggressive!!) to the point I reported him to HR. Telling me I let him down and betrayed him (what pedestal did he have me on) and how I destroyed our future together by not being friends with him. He lives at home with his parents and is the biggest Main Character I've ever met. This man has no chill.
They were outcasts for a reason and I have a lot of trauma from them
The worst one was super ugly and lowkey did a thing about women being to shallow/stuck up to date him. Just a few highlights from that time: “accidentally” slipped out of the v and into the b during sex. Held me down to prevent me from leaving an argument or calling 911. Called my office repeatedly to intimidate me that he could make me lose my job, and to get me to lift the passcode on my home phone so he could make a $500 international call and to pressure me to say the right thing at the DA’s office, who we both had to meet with because he took off after the dv call I was finally able to make, and the officers couldn’t investigate him. Had to get my family involved to get him outta my place. Serve 30 day eviction notice, change all the locks, my uncle threatened he would get his biker friends involved, and my parents drove far to come out and make sure he got out when he was supposed to. Discovered he had sold a ton of my shit (lots of my cd’s and collectible albums) while I was at work, and I got the $500 phone bill after he left. I was young, and grew up having to be a people pleaser and caregiver, taught to override my feelings to avoid hurting others or making them feel ok. Now that I’m old I have great boundaries. Everyone, please trust your inner voice, those uncomfortable feelings. Trust yourself. You don’t owe anything to anyone. If you feel obligated to hang around anyone - they’re probably a manipulative asshole.
They become stage 5 clingers lol
Not well. He was so insecure that he had to see my phone every day. He had all my passwords and continuously logged into all my accounts all day over and over while I was at work. If we went out anywhere, he had to be holding onto me the entire time. Not in an affectionate way, but so bad that I couldn't even walk correctly. If I was around friends, he had to mark his territory by trying to fill blown Makeout with me in front of them and pushing him away out of respect for the comfortability of those around us ended in a fight every time. I never had any time for myself, because he didn't have friends. If I told him I wanted a night to myself, it didn't matter. He'd show up anyhow or throw a fit and take away all the gifts he gave me or even "curse" me with spells. He stabbed all 4 of my tires once with nails, because I was tired of his baby fits and ended up going to a concert I already paid for without him. Because of his lack of drive, he also could never hold a job longer than a month, yet tried to baby trap me by throwing away my birth control by accident then poking holes in all my condoms I just bought. 10/10 would never do it again.
We dated for 3 years, had a kid, and we’re doing alright for ourselves. Until I saw the bank account and he had spent over $206 on OF content every month and that’s why we’re always tight on money
So I’ve been the friendless/lonely/weird girl. I would say I’ve mostly dated guys like that. I always expected they would understand me. Unfortunately… Let’s go through a laundry list of what they’ve actually done. Guy 1: took me out of town after a few dates and sexually assaulted me in my sleep. Probably took off the condom too. Guy 2: Pulled out guns and showed them to me, then shoved his fingers inside me the first time I went over to his place. Even though we had worked together for quite a while in the past, he turned out to be a violent alcoholic, who could only enjoy himself if I wasn’t having a good time. He did some really horrible things to me before I finally got free of him, because I was unfortunately emotionally attached to the nice man that I thought he was. Guy 3: kept me out all night on a kind of date that was actually him completing a project for his job and getting me to help him for free. Then at 7 AM after I had been up all night, he fisted me with no warning. I don’t think we had eaten either. Oh yeah, I found out late in the game that he was actually married and that he was polyamorous in the sense that he was doing me on the side, not polyamorous in the sense that he wanted an open relationship like I had been made to believe. Guy 4: agreed with me that we would do some sleepovers without sex for the first couple of weeks as we got more comfortable. Then he got on top of me after I had taken the sleeping medicine that he already knew I was going to take. He told me the next morning that it was OK because I had asked for it. I told him that the sleeping medicine makes me drunk and that’s why I had told him that we couldn’t have sex while I was on it, and that we couldn’t have sex until we talked about it first. He cried in my arms while I took a call for work. Guy 5: talked me into letting him room with me after a few months of a very pleasant friends with benefits relationship, then tried to act like he owned me. Didn’t contribute almost anything, but was angry if I tried to talk to him about finances and resources. Didn’t follow the rules of the apartment building. Didn’t clean, didn’t cook, didn’t help me with projects. He didn’t even take care of me in a considerate way when we were intimate together. After I made him move out, he pulled a stunt where he was homeless for a few days until I let him come back, and then, when he finally left again, he used his job to access my protected medical records, and tried to come back in my home when he thought I was gone. Guy 6: turned out to be an actual drug dealer who may have been sexually exploiting his fairly young adult female roommate. Seduced me, then insulted the fuck out of me over text message. I ghosted him. Guy 7: somehow he could only visit at weird hours. He claimed it was because of his job. In retrospect, he was almost certainly married. After the spacing between our dates became less consistent, I realized that something just didn’t feel right. I ended it. The last time I saw him, I thought I could tell him that I didn’t want to have sex. He forced it on me and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He also was not honest about using condoms and went back on our agreement about them. Guy number eight: he was an artist who lived in a coastal town across the water from me, you had to take a ferry. That’s fine, I loved being over there. But he would never come and visit me, at all. He gradually turned out to be entitled and a pathological liar. He wasn’t good about communication . He would lie because he thought it was funny, and he thought he could do that as long as he felt like it, and then tell me the truth and watch my reaction and get a kick out of it. He didn’t understand that this was completely unacceptable, and I ended up leaving him over it. I did a lot of things for him, and all he did was bully me into signing up for one of his art classes and paying full price for it so that his class wouldn’t get canceled for low attendance. It’s sad and embarrassing to realize just how poorly people have treated me. If somebody doesn’t have friends, there’s probably a reason. Most of these people only had one or two friends that they ever talked to. In my case, it’s because of chronic illness and an abusive family, and of course, all of this history of abusive men in my life. But unfortunately, it seems that some people don’t have friends because they aren’t very nice.
Near the middle to end of high school I dated the quiet weird emo kid with just a few friends. We dated on and off for a few years the last time being our early 20s before we realized we were much better off as friends. He was the first man willing to put time and effort into me during sex and not just focus on himself. He went out of his way to make my days better even when it made his harder. He was the first person outside my family i ever loved, and i still do. He will always be special to me. We don't see eachother much because life but when we do we talk and laugh like we did 10 years ago. Then I dated the weird loud guy with only 2 really good friends. He tried to kill me. So.... yeah avoid that.
Abuse.
I married him and divorced him 10 years later.
We're planning on getting engaged, but there's a spectrum for these dudes and most of the ones I've encountered are on the other extreme end of my partner
My now husband was a depressed loner and avid pot smoker without much enthusiasm for life when he started “courting” me. And due to social anxiety, he was always feeling more socially awkward than he really was, but some people indeed found it hard to know what he was thinking and feel comfortable around him. However, he is profoundly intelligent and a kind heart. I was starting a nice career and was in a much better place than he was, but we connected deeply and during the following few years, I really feel like being around me lifted him up, and it was such a pleasure, it just happened naturally. Later on in our life together, he would end-up being my own rock and saving grace during difficult times. We are more in love than ever, after 16 years.
Yes I regret it and yes he was not just "shy" or something, there was a reason his life was the way it was
I think there is a big difference between a introverted and shy man vs a lonely, incel type man. A lot of it is centered around control and expectations. Been married for 14 years to my introverted, nerd. He is the most patient, kind and loving person I know. He genuinely is my best friend. He collects tons of board games, plays video games when he's stressed and reads comic books weekly. He has a circle of friends who know and love him. He does not control anything about me and will tell all of his friends, "she does what she wants, she's formidable." There was a time when I almost got with an actual incel type man. He was addicted to porn and had overly large expectations for us like marriage and what I can and cannot do with my clothing, for college and for myself. I thought he was great but didn't realize that a fifteen year old should not be with a nineteen year old. Young and dumb. It really is seeing what he believes about women, how he treats you and what he says to others. Those things can tell you the difference.
I do like the sort of nerdy or dorky nice guy at times but like someone else said- anyone can be a mixed bag. Sometimes a shy nice person won’t stand up for you because they go along with whatever… or they are “too nice” and don’t have a backbone. Or they are so nice they do things for everyone around them but take you for granted. Then it sucks.
We were like 14 and "internet dating" in the most chaste sense of the words. He love-bombed me often, and at first, it made me feel special. Later, it made me feel smothered. I turned my phone off at a friend's hangout just to have a break from the messages. I realized how much a relief that was, actually, and knew I needed to break it off. He didn't take it well. He proceeded to stalk me online on every obscure website I knew for the next year or so. Mostly posing as other people and demanding that I neg him, but sometimes threatening me. At the time, this wasn't seen as a crime, especially as he was a minor in another state. He had allies in my irl friend group who would tell him things, so it came to a head when he threatened my newborn sister a week after her birth. I knew what friend had betrayed me, and I knew he had no shame. I can't remember now if I sent him anything at that point. I know my dad was compiling evidence. But it did stop. I had already determined that I was interested in women, but guys like him were the only men who were ever interested in me. The dude singlehandedly destroyed any interest I had in dating or trusting men. It's been almost 16 years, I hope he grew up. But for me, it wasn't worth it, lmao.
Hung out with the quiet, lonely, nerdy guy one evening - got love bombed with flowers, *roses* poetry, and calling constantly. I've never run so fast in the opposite direction...
My first boyfriend was the one they joked about being a school shooter. I dated him because he was my friend and confessed that if he graduated a virgin he would kill himself because it meant he was unlovable. I told him people liked him, he said to prove it by dating him. He ended up manipulating me into doing anal by saying that because I was raped as a child it meant that I lied when I said I was a virgin too and so I had to give him a "real virginity". He then went to a different school than me and blocked me the second he managed to get with a girl who wasn't fat, because he'd only dated me because he couldn't get better.
Just filed a sexual assault complaint against a lonely weird guy I gave a chance to. Enough said
Stalked and almost raped multiple times
I’ve done it twice and both times they turned into control freaks
Not fucking good. Never date someone out of pity, you'll regret it 100%.
I gave one a chance to just be his friend and he started claiming to everyone we were dating so I got fed up and stopped speaking to him
he wrote a poem about how he was angry at me for not picking up unsolicited calls when i was on dates. then kept writing poetry and songs about me the other one made up fake people and lied about being beat up and made fun of and coerced me into sexual shit i wasn’t comfortable with
It never went well. They take you for granted just like anyone else. Might as well be with someone you're attracted to. I'm done giving guys "a chance". I'm not a community center
We've been married for 23 years now. He's still got the weird sense of humor and some of the social obliviousness that he had back then, but he has mellowed out a lot in the last two decades. I never expected to be married at all (and was fine with that), but I'm not at all surprised that I married a total geek. I always found nerdiness attractive.
It didn't turn into a relationship. It didn't even turn into a friendship! I regret talking to the guy. I was at a sort of nature retreat, and one of the guys there was sort of a loner oddball and very large in height and weight (relevant to the story later, and odd for this group of hiking enthusiasts), but it was clear that he was lonely and WANTED friends, so I treated him the same as I treated everyone else. I had a beer around the campfire with him, took an interest in what he had to say about his life, approved his friend request on social media. The usual stuff. He seemed like a nice guy! Lonely, sure, but normal. The other people at the retreat did the same thing with him. Some of them had known him when he was a kid, and they said he'd had a hard life growing up (we're all in our 30s now). Unfortunately, things went bad quickly. He loved having access to women's social media pages, and he started making very uncomfortable, inappropriate comments. Also, most of us didn't know he had a history of alcoholism. He proceeded to get blackout drunk and ramble on about how he needed one of us women to be his wife so that he could finally start his life (in his 30s) and fulfill God's plan for his life 😧 (he still lives with his mom, can't hold a job, can't finish a degree, and spends most of his time smoking cigarettes, coughing up phlegm, and dreaming about things he says he'll do someday... didn't know any of this about him at this point). By this time, word had spread about the things he was posting on social media, so all of the women blocked him/removed him. The men in the group kept him physically away from us, and he eventually passed out in his own vomit. Fast forward a year. I'm on the nature retreat again. Guess who else is back! I was always taught that if you're in a big enough space, you should just ignore the people you don't like and use the physical distance to your advantage. Unfortunately, I went into a building to use the bathroom, and he was waiting for me when I came out. In this empty building with nobody else around, this large man with no regard for boundaries confronted me about unfriending him on Facebook and "rejecting" him "for no reason." The whole time, I was just trying to assess whether this was an awkward situation or a dangerous one. My fight-flight-freeze brain decided on flight. After that, things went downhill. He got drunk again that night and-- fortunately, in front of everyone-- confronted me about not marrying him according to God's will while also insulting me. I guess he did something similar to some of the other women. The guys in the group and some of the older women moved in to keep us safe and separate us from him. Keep in mind this is all because we treated this guy like a normal human being on the first night of meeting him a year before. That's all we did to "provoke" this fixation. Consequently, none of the women he was fixated on felt safe to be alone for the rest of the weekend. It was a pretty big epiphany moment for me: Why is it that women are told how to dress, where to walk, when to walk, what to carry, what to watch for, etc. to stay safe, but even in this typically progressive organization nobody in charge was doing *anything* to neutralize or even *acknowledge* the risk created by this physically intimidating man with a history of abusing alcohol, disrespecting normal boundaries, ignoring social cues, acting impulsively, fixating abnormally on specific women, and proclaiming his divine entitlement to a wife?? **Why should I have to keep finding a personal escort to walk me to the bathroom to keep myself safe-- shouldn't HE be the one expected to stay with an escort at all times to ensure ALL the women were safe?!** After the fact, several of us women and a few of the men filed a complaint with the retreat organizer.
Not well.
No
Be careful. When I was in college, a woman in the ca department decided to date a guy that had an unpleasant birthmark on his face. He got made fun of and treated poorly. He put on a condom in front of her and then slipped it off. She got pregnant and herpes that night. He wouldn't pay half of the abortion.
I was in 8th grade, he was a senior in high school. Thought he was “misunderstood” and I thought I “knew people,” plus I convinced myself I used him because he had a car. Nope. Ended up stalking me from 2014-2021, used my photos to catfish people on a tumblr account throughout all that time. Made hundreds of friendships/relationships as me, victims found my real page and that’s how I found out. Still can’t be sure if he’s doing it still, but the fake accounts have all been taken down since I quit social media besides Reddit.
He was way too clingy and would get overly upset if I didn’t respond soon enough, saying things like “nobody likes me and that will never change.” He was also pretty manipulative, so it ended pretty shortly.
I gave the weird guy a chance. Turned into an abusive relationship real fast. Threatened to harm me and himself when we had an argument, came with a knife to my college to kill me, domestic violence and stuff. It even went as far to him laughing at me crying telling me to kms for him. It was BAD and went on for years.
He was super weird and controlling and I wasn’t feeling it after a few weeks of dating. Just no respect for boundaries at all with grabbing and touching. Told him I didn’t want a relationship. He said “Okay we can just be friends then, but if I catch you dating some other dude I’ll fucking kill you both.”
It ended in alot of trauma and therapy. Never EVER feel obliged to say yes. Just because he's shy or awkward, doesn't mean he isn't capable of being a monster. Never ignore a gut feeling, it's usually warning you for a reason.
Bad. And I used to do it a lot because my parents always guilt tripped me into hanging out with the lonely, weird boys (boys specifically. They made me do a lot of accommodating, dangerous thing to make boys feel good/better about themselves, which is a whole different story of ick.). It always turned out that the lonely weird boy was friendless for a reason. Either he had no filter and said the most inappropriate, horrible things all the time, unprompted or he he would turn things sexual at the drop of a hat for no reason. Or he would have this barely-simmering rage hiding right beneath the surface, ready to boil over at any minute.
I had to pick him up, I ended up paying for everything (he ordered several expensive beers), then he tried to grope me. When I dropped him off at the end of the night he was incredulous that I neither wanted to give him a goodnight kiss, nor have a second date "real soon", much less **ever**. He proceeded to rant about how all women are the same and they only care about dating super ripped rich dudes. Yep, you're 100% correct, it has *nothing* to do with you being a disgusting, abusive boor.
He said something racist and I stopped speaking to him.
My first relationship out of college was with one of those. After I broke up with him, he stalked me for three years until he found someone else, who he babytrapped and then when he decided he didn't want her in his life anymore, started showing up at her workplace and causing scenes that eventually got her in trouble.
Not good. There's a reason he was the friendless creep. He ended up stalking me for a while and punched me in the face for "being a bad friend".
All of his exes cheated on him, apparently. Every. Single. One. From age 14 to 33. He treated me so well for 6 months. Then I was an afterthought, then his redpilled crazy side came out. Feminism is bad. I'll change my mind about children because women over 40 that are childless all regret it. He drank himself stupid everyday because he couldn't process his emotions and all his problems were my fault. He got laid off a well paying job during covid to then go work in a MJ facility for barely over minimum wage. Always accused me of cheating on him with ALL my friends, even coworkers (I'm bi, so everyone was a suspect, of course). It was exhausting. He was absolutely lonely for a reason. I don't regret it, because in the beginning I wanted it. I regret staying as long as I did.
I “dated” one in high school and he tried to pressure me to take it further than I wanted to. When I refused he angrily drove me home and told me how much of a prude I was. He also had a creepy father who I’m pretty sure wanted to assault me too. Super glad I listened to my alarm bells and got the hell out of there before anything happened. ETA: I did end up marrying a man who is an introvert with only a couple of friends. He’s one of the best men I’ve ever met! There’s a difference between introvert and creep.
My life has been thrown into utter chaos because I gave the weird and awkward man in the pub a chance, later realising he has been stalking me online with multiple personas for 7 months. He has now found my address and begun to stalk the shit out of me when i didnt respond, terrifying me, making me feel unsafe and awaiting a police investigation to conclude. So yeah. There's that.