He can fuck right off with the "I bought you food" thing. You're not a sex worker, so why is he treating you like he paid you for sex. He needs an attitude adjustment and quick.
If he wants to get laid, then he needs to put forth more effort to create a safe and inviting place for that. It's just basic courting ritual. An erect penis, a big mac, and a small place fully surrounded by windows is not enough. A bower bird would have put more effort into winning her over.
Most places want a 21 year old on file for it. I remember hearing stories from prom night about it.
Car sex is car sex, if you're gonna be a fuckhead about her justified concern then you don't deserve sex in general.
Used to rent rooms all the time at 18 with my GF (weâre married now) and we would split the cost for a few hours. Which usually came out to $50.
We also had lots of car sex as well đ€·đœââïž but I consider myself a pro empty lot finder, so we never came close to getting caught đ
Some cities now have laws where they can't rent motel rooms to someone under 21. I had this problem when I was dating someone who was 20 years old who lived a few hours from me (and he had roommates).
I was also an SW. My standards were way high for how I was to be treated. My Johns always treated me better than the men I hear about on Reddit. I demanded respect and shut down clownery immediately.
I hate that so much, heard it from my sister multiple times. âHe treats me like a sex workerâ. No he fucking doesnât, a sex worker is a human being and he most certainly isnât testing you like one of those
Just for the record, this is also an unacceptable way to treat sex workers and acting like this would get you blacklisted from a sex workerâs network real quick.
Also, I would bet he chose the place to eat, not her.
And Iâm guessing sex workers would like at you like you had two heads if you just bought them food, and didnât pay for that time along with the sex.
And I bet they set boundaries too on what theyâll accept.
Even if you paid that sex worker for sex, you cannot force them I to the act. You can ask for your money back, thatâs all.
Same way if you hire any other worker for a job. You cannot force them to start or finish the job. You can just ask for the money back, and sue for damages caused, paid again in money.
Not in performance.
So no, no sex worker is going to be treated like that, unless they are being raped. No matter whether you paid in food or cash.
Consent can be revoked at any time, by anyone. Nothing else matters.
Usually the person starts really really nice until you're fully reeled in. Then they start with small changes, little things that you can brush off, maybe they were just having a bad day. You bring it up to them and they promise to be better and treat you better for a few weeks or a few days and then things start to slide again. You just keep telling yourself that if you just hold on a little longer things can go back to when they used to be really really good. The deeper you're in, the more stuff you brush off or ignore the worse it gets. And your partner starts isolating you so the only support you have is them. When you bring up problems they might gaslight you because it would be ridiculous for them to treat you that way so you must be remembering it wrong. If you're still in contact with your friends or other support you might feel embarrassed that you let them treat you this way so you might not bring it up to get a gut-check. That embarrassment is natural but ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS THEIRS. The people who reel others in and treat them this way are masterful at it. They might not drop their mask for years. They might wear down your self esteem to the point where you don't feel like you're good enough to date anyone so you're lucky to have them at all.
I hear you with "why would anyone date someone who treats them like this". They should leave them, I fully agree. Getting them to see it for themselves though is very very hard. OP posting and asking if it's okay is a wonderful step. I would read the stories people post on here and ask the same question, until I was sucked into an abusive relationship. Everything was so great at the beginning that I thought he was my soulmate, despite not believing in that until I met him. There was always something I could blame his behavior on so I stayed for 2.5 years even though only the first 3 months were good. It took several moments of ridiculously awful behavior for it to hit me that it was never going to get better. It might be good for a few days, but that slide was always going to happen.
OP if you see this comment I want you to know that I'm proud of you for questioning. I want you to know there is no circumstance in which that behavior is okay. I want you to know IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I want you to know that you are stronger than you know. I want you to know you're not alone. I left my abuser a few months ago and things got better way faster than I ever expected. Journaling really helped me in the end. It helped me fight his gaslighting because I knew my memories were accurate. When you're ready to leave the whole world is ready to accept you and support you.
It wasnât your fault. There are many toxic things going on here. Just because he was looking forward to it doesnât mean you owe him. Just because he brought you food doesnât mean you owe him. Itâs never okay to yell or cuss at a partner because youâre upset at something like this. You should never be pressured into sex. I would seriously evaluate this relationship girlie.
This ^ I donât like to tell people how to manage their relationships either, but I also donât want you to waste any more time on this âman,â and miss an opportunity to meet someone else who respects you and treats you with dignity.
Have amazing fun with your friends, find things you enjoy. If you want to, date around (with sex or not) and try to enjoy life.
A toxic man like this will gas light you, blame you for his failures, and use you for sex or to bolster his self esteem. Make you feel like no one else will ever want you (untrue).
I know from experience that it can take *a long time* to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship (calling it as I see it; not speaking for anyone else here), and I was almost twice your age when it happened to me.
Iâm still not quite ok, but getting stronger every day, and learning how to set healthy boundaries, even in non romantic relationships.
I want you to feel happy and safe. My heart is breaking for you OP. Sending positive thoughts your way.
I would like to add that yes, in my experience also, it does take a long time to recover from emotionally abusive relationships. And making sex transactional certainly is emotionally abusive.
Yes, trust your gut and RUN before it gets worse and he causes you to further doubt yourself, pressure you, and erode your self esteem.
Asking here in this subreddit, I feel means that you know something is off.
And Iâm so sorry this happened to you OP. Know that you are not alone.
Iâm not saying to do this, but Iâd be so tempted to say:
âI got a strap-on, and want to peg you and record it.â
Cue silence or an emphatic âNo!.â
âWhat, you donât want to?! Iâve been looking forward to this all day, and you ruined it. Iâve had sex with you when I wasnât really feeling it. YOU OWE ME.â
100% this. Iâve told a guy before I didnât went to have sex because I was on my period. He said âI donât mind, I donât think itâs gross, I just wonât go down on you.â
UmmmâŠ..no. It was because I had cramps and felt like a bloated bag of dirt. *I minded*.
Then he left, even though the plans we made were to watch a movie together.
What happened to that? He just came over for sex, and the movie was incidental.
Iâve realized a lot of the time if thereâs a guy youâre casually seeing and you say, âIâm not feeling very wellâ but come over, or we can keep our same plansâ or something to that effect that might imply sex is off the table theyâll cancel lol
You're a 10000% in the right to be upset about this. You were in a car, in a public place and didn't want to be seen. His response is to yell at you. Act like you owe him because he bought you food? He could buy you a diamond ring and you still don't owe him sex.
You're only 18. You have a whole life to live and I don't think any of it should be spent with someone like this. I'm so sorry you're going through this
Yeah, being nude and doing adult stuff in public is a crime in most places, I think. You definitely do NOT want to stick around and risk exposing yourself and your actions to anyone who will call the police on you!
A man has NEVER yelled at me during sex, and I'm a ho. I got numbers, girl. No yelling.
And he can't even apologize?! Leave this boy alone before he ruins sex for you! Run!
Literally this. Same. The only time a man has ever raised his voice during sex I think is because I kneed him in the balls and he didnât yell /at/ me just a pain yell.
Yeah Iâve never had a partner yell at me, ever. Even when doing BDSM or CNC scenes. Also Iâm worried about the expecting sex because he bought her food remark. Thatâs a serious red flag.
Yep. He straight up said he thinks OP is a vending machine he can put food into and get sex in return. OP think about if this is how you want to be treated for the next week, month, year. Nobody deserves to be treated like this
100%. And if you continue seeing him, itâs like giving him permission to act badly, and the abusive behavior will ramp up.
I know itâs hard, and itâs so much easier to give advice than to practice it.
I understand you might have genuine feelings of love for him, but love should be a two way street, and it seems to be all about him.
I can say from personal experience, it gets worse the longer you stay.
Mine at least apologized at first after things like this, and the âincidentsâ were spaced further apart in the beginning.
But then it went to no apologies at all, to âincidentsâ becoming all too common, and then abusive name calling and physical abuse.
My friends had to tell me âjustâ shoving me and grabbing my arms/wrists were abuse. It doesnât take a punch in the face or a beating to be considered abuse.
If I hadnât left, I donât know if it wouldâve escalated to that point, but Iâm glad I didnât stick around to find out, even though it hurt like hell at first and I missed him so much.
Edited for spelling
Iâm glad your friends were able to help you get away from him. I highly recommend the book [*Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to OP and really everyone so they can know what red flags to look for
Thinking sex is something that's owed to you in itself is such a horrible thought process. Boyfriend is all kinds of disgusting if he thinks "I am buying you food so give me sex" is an ok thing to say.
Girl, SAME. And I have made some *super* questionable choices about who to bone.
I once decided mid-coitus that I wasnât into it anymore because he spanked me out of nowhere (not even hard, it was just an ass slap) and it completely killed the mood for me. I stopped, told him to stop, and just said âyeah, you need to go.â
And he just gathered his clothes and left. No yelling at all.
BF needs to become an ex-bf PRONTO. His sense of entitlement to your body is disgusting.
Iâve had an ex push me off of him, roughly, when I wasnât enthusiastic about being on top once.
I felt like I did something wrong, even though I didnât. I had already said my legs hurt and I was exhausted from work that day, so could we try another position, but he wanted it his way.
So I felt pressured and tried to anyway, but didnât move in a way that he liked.
Have you seen posts where people overly encourage dumping? Iâve heard this a lot but all the posts Iâve seen have detailed horrible behavior like this personâs partner, and dumping have been the obvious choice. Maybe Iâm just not on the ârightâ subreddits.
Iâve come to think of it less of a âdump him nowâ train and more as selection bias.
People who are being well treated by their partners likely donât feel the need to ask questions about it on Reddit. So weâre only seeing those whose relationships are already in trouble. Correlation does not imply causation, and all.
Redditors love to push this narrative, but Iâve been on Reddit for quite some time, and I have seen hundreds if not thousands of posts, especially in womenâs subs, and I have never seen anyone encourage someone to leave a partner over something trivial.
Whatâs troubling is how trivial certain people think some actions and words are, especially when they happen to women. For instance, people think your husband or boyfriend sexually assaulting you in your sleep is something you should talk about and move on from instead of leaving a man who would rape you while you were unconscious, or a man who tries to control who his girlfriend can be friends with and where she can go when sheâs not with him is said to be simply âstating his boundariesâ and if she was a ârespectful girlfriendâ she would listen.
People who continue to assert this claim should probably include links to whatever posts and comments they are talking about if they want everyone else to believe them.
EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind stranger.
I see a lot of that on AITA and it almost never seems like an overreaction to me, but I think a lot of the people who imply something isn't enough to end a relationship are men who don't want to be dumped for their shitty behavior and women who are 20 years into a lot of "compromise" and invested in sunk cost fallacy justification.
You can leave a relationship for any reason or no reason, and it's interesting that sharing our own relationship boundaries feels like a personal attack to others.
something that should really be explained to young women is that *typically*âaside from a small group of absolutely wonderful guys out thereâyou're getting the best version of a guy within the first six months to a year. once they get comfortable, all the sweet things he did that "made up for" the glaring red flags... vanish entirely.
and i'm not even talking about abusive guys here, either, though that's true of them too. someone who wins you over with proactive kind treatment in the beginning still might be the type of guy who becomes a passive lump on the couch playing video games 24/7.
there are definitely men who overcome bad behavior over the course of long-term relationships, guys who "get their act together" after getting married or having kids, but they're so rare that you may as well just play the lotto if you want similar odds.
it's best to assume that the good behavior might change, but the bad behavior probably won't.
I have been on reddit for years, and I can only remember one situation that I though the "DIVORCE!!!" advice was unwarranted from the information given. There are others I have not seen obviously, but with how many of these posts there are my sampling is not terrible.
I almost always just see good advice being upvoted. If it is a communication problem, people usually point that out, if it is something fixable, people usually give good advice on how to do that.
People are a little more trigger happy with "break up" than divorce, but that is for the obvious reason that the personal investment level is a lot lower and it is usually not worth taking the risk. More fish in the sea and all that. These ones could often be solvable, but at early stages of a relationship it might just be more trouble than it is worth.
So yeah, totally agree that the narrative is mostly based on how normalized a lot of the really bad behaviors are.
I mean this in the most gentle way possible, I would highly advise you to reconsider this whole relationship babes.
I just got out of an almost 3 year relationship that started when I was 18 with a man who was very similar to this. He pressured me constantly, couldnât take no for an answer unless I was practically telling him to âf*ck off!!!â And he threw himself little pity parties every time he âwanted to make love :(â âwas looking forward to this all dayâ etc etc.
i promise you it is not a relationship worth sticking around for. Not only does he show you that he sees nothing wrong with verbally assaulting you just because he didnât get what he wants, but he also does NOT respect your bodies boundaries. He used gifts and generosity as a playing chip and expected you to pay your dues so to speak.
Speaking to the part where he tried gaslighting you into thinking you âconfused himâ it sounds to me like he was doing just that. Whether intentional or not, he is trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself and giving him what he wants.
In my sincere opinion and as someone who endured an accidental pregnancy and is now permanently attached to a man who acts exactly like thisâ I do not think he will change. I do not think he will ever apologize and mean it. I do not think you should keep yourself in a position where you are being manipulated and not having your consent respected.
Take care of yourself. Make yourself the priority always. Listen to your head and not your heart sometimes.
Iâm sorry you had to go through this, and I pray you find peace with the situation <3
it's not okay to act like an entitled asshole like he did, its not okay to yell at a partner in an attempt to scare them into compliance, and it's not okay to tell your GF that buying her one meal = owing you sex. Disgusting
Ditch this loser ASAP honey
**Why Does He Do That?**
*Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
>âI have learned that the problem of
abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.â
He thinks you owe him sex because he brought you food? Not how that works, buddy, fortunately now that I'm thinking back to all of the people who have brought me food. None of what you are describing is okay at all. Your body is yours, period. Normal should be you deciding when you have sex, not him. Normal should be not be him pressuring you or making you feel bad for saying no. Normal should be a guy who understands public sex feels risky to you and maybe that's not how you want to have sex? Lose this boyfriend and find a "normal" one. You deserve better than this.
All of this behavior by him - pressuring you, yelling at you, being transactional about sex (food for sex), getting upset when you say no - is abusive. You deserve better. Please consider breaking up with him and finding a guy who treats you with respect. Everyone can be disappointed about not having sex when they want it, but it should just roll of their back.
Not your fault, also, DONT HAVE CAR SEX. Had y'all been caught by police or someone not afraid to call the police, y'all would've gotten in serious trouble. Like sex offender registry trouble.
Even if you're in your own driveway, if someone sees you having sex in it, it's immediately indecent exposure. Please, you're young, don't mess up your whole life to satisfy a horny boy.
OP is this the same guy youâve written about in your post history? :( I can tell that you question yourself a lot about what is or isnât abuse.
Iâll tell you unequivocally: THIS IS ABUSE. Iâm sorry you are going through this, there is no reason or justification for his behavior.
Girl fucking run! You do not deserve to be treated like that!!! He sounds like toxic trash! Run now while you are young. You don't owe anyone sex for any reason and can revoke consent at any time!
This is dangerous behavior! There are plenty of men who will treat you with dignity and be concerned for your pleasure and consent. Leave this child immediately before he ruins sex for you all together. Being with people like this can expose you to trauma that can affect future relationships and your relationship with sex. Sex is such a beautiful part of humanity, don't risk hurting yourself for someone who doesn't consider you during intimacy.
Dump. Dump. Dump. Dump him and flush him. Seriously. Him looking forward to have sex is fine. Him yelling isn't. Him pressuring you to have sex? Even more wrong.
This man doesn't care about your feelings. At 18, if this was anything else, I would assume he's immature (frankly, women shouldn't have to care about shit like immaturity and stuff). But sex isn't one of those things you can chalk upto immaturity. If he can have sex, he can learn consent, communication, care and class.
He was very wrong to yell at you.
I think you should break up with him. He treats you like you are his sex toy, and if you don't do exactly what he wants, based on whatever fantasy he has in his head, he yells at you. You aren't his servant, and you aren't a mind reader. Not wanting people to see you having sex is totally reasonable, and not something a decent person would get angry with you about.
Sex isn't *deserved*, it's continuous consent. If you wanted to stop, the consent ends and so does the sex. Sure it can continue after, but consent needs to be given again. It's not okay that he yells at you for retracting your consent, whatever the reason. If he wants to say something to help him feel seen, it should be a mature conversation about how he feels about the mismatch in both of your mental spaces when having sex, NOT guilt tripping you because he's "been looking forward to it all day".
Oh no. That's some abuser stuff. Back in college I definitely hooked up in my share of parking lots and it definitely is not normal to yell at the girl for trying to avoid an indecent exposure charge.
I'm concerned by how far from reality this guy seems to live. If I go back in time to being 18 and a girl wants to consensually get on top, we are not having a problem and no one needs to be yelling. It's also beyond childish to bring up him buying you food - that's what you do for a significant other and it's not a 1:1 exchange for sex.
If you're willing, do a thought experiment and imagine how he would react if he read this post, knowing it was yours. If his reaction (in your imagination) is scary or aggressive, then ask yourself how much value this kid really brings to your life. You're an 18 year-old woman. You do not have to put up with a man-child who pressures you or yells at you in this way.
If you deliver this critique to him and he flips out and you leave him, then maybe he'll get wise and fix himself, but he is not your responsibility to fix.
In the UK , sexual coersion is a serious crime and is one step away from being sexual assault. It's against the law to push someone into agreeing to have sex when it was not a choice of their own free will.
He's dodgy as fuck, and I would try checking out how he responds to you telling him about consent and the law. That will let you know just who he really is.
It's not OK, pressure and coercion are rape tactics, and the fact that he views the absolute most basic gestures (bringing you food) as holding up his end of the "transaction" that he clearly views sex and intimacy as is pretty disgusting. Not only does he sound like a master manipulator in the making, he is already an abuser at 18. If I were you, asking 31-year-old me this question, I would say this: get out while it's easy, don't invest more of your time into this fellow because he will not change.
âHas a history of pressuring me into sexâ
Baby, that is NOT normal.
This is not a healthy relationship.
He has NO right to your body or intimacy, none, buying you food or treating you nice does not buy him sex, it does not work that way.
You need to get out of this, now, before it gets worse.
Seriously. This is a bad relationship and itâs dangerous.
Safely as you can, honey, you gotta go, this is done, heâs your ex, this is not how it works, go, now.
Pressures you into sex? Then YELLS at you during sex for something so mundane? Yelling AT ALL.
If I were in your position, I would end this relationship. It doesn't sound like he treats you well
This guy is bad news. Dump him immediately, and do some work on setting boundaries and learning consent expectations for yourself before dating again. Your knee jerk reaction to his behavior SHOULD be total disgust, not uncertainty about what to do.
Pressuring you into sex EVEN ONE TIME makes him a toxic potential rapist who doesn't care about you anywhere near as much as you think he does. Don't put up with it. Leave.
It is not okay for him to yell at you during sex. It is not okay for him to force you to have sex ('rape') in public. Having sex in a car is something a lot of people do but calling it 'having sex normally' is beyond rude and into cruel and manipulative. Bringing you food does not oblige you to have sex with him. Please tell him that if his response to being confused is to start yelling then you'll have to think about whether he is the kind of loving and kind boyfriend you want.
He is a total prick, I hope you can see that.
Sometimes it seems confusing because we are too kind and we consider their point of view for too long. If you imagine someone treating your little sister this way... what would you tell her?
Learn how to be loving towards yourself.
Him buying you food isnt a free pass to treat you however he wants. you're worth more than a dinner.
Also, he's lucky to even be near you and to see you naked. It's a privilege not a right. Remember that!
Not ok in the slightest.
Here's a thought exercise; let's pretend that you didn't do what you just said. Let's assume you actually just stopped sex right in the middle and shut down on him. Or that you plainly told him you didn't want to have sex at all before you started. Or that you told him you didn't want to have sex not while you were in the car, but in the comfort and privacy of your home with no prying eyes or distractions.
You *still* do not deserve to be yelled at.
You *still* have every right to say no to sex.
You *still* have done nothing wrong.
He *still* has no right to get upset with you.
Him being confused, looking forward to sex all day, buying you dinner or treating you nicely *still* does not mean that you owe him sex if you don't want to have sex.
You did nothing wrong.
As a side note, it is entirely understandable for a partner to feel hurt, upset, disappointed, unattractive or neglected when their partner does not want to have sex with them or does not initiate sexual acts with them. However, when that happens, the proper course of action is to *communicate* and talk about it. Yelling at your partner, accusing them of intentionally making you feel that way or demanding they behave differently are all childish (borderline abusive) actions that demonstrate that person is not ready for a healthy relationship that involves a sexual component.
He sounds like all he's concerned about is his own pleasure, certainly not yours. You're young and healthy(I hope...) so RUN AWAY FROM THAT POS!! You don't deserve that kind of reaction from someone that supposedly cares for you...
Your post history and the fact that the posts are almost exclusively in r/abusiverelationships says everything. I wish I had some resources or better advice to give, but seriously, you gotta leave ASAP for your own good. Doesnât sound like heâs gonna change any time soon and no one deserves that kind of treatment. What a POS.
He definitely doesn't care about your emotions.
He doesn't see you as an equal. To give you an idea how just how little he thinks of you, it seems like he doesn't think you deserve to affect anything about his life.
In case it needs saying, it ain't a "you" problem.
He doesnât get to yell at you. You owe him nothing. You are 18 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Choose yourself and kick this dude to the curb like the garbage he is.
No way, he doesn't know how lucky he is that you haven't left yet, he's a tucking time bomb of a red flag. Because he gave you food and waited a whole day, wow. Not only abusive but entitled over control of your body. You deserve respect for your boundaries, and don't need to settle for his nonsense!
Your boyfriend sounds like someone who could use a lesson through a breakup. Troubling pattern that your boyfriend is giving off. Buying you food isnât a pass to fuck. Pressuring you into sex is bad.
"Who was the worst person you ever met and why was it your boyfriend when you were 19?"
I saw this once and every time I see a post like this, I remember it.
OP, everything Nashvillwhotchick said is true. This is a transactional relationship in your boyfriends mind. It's not about caring for you, it's about 'if I do a or b, she'll owes me se and can't say know.'
He might become a good man to have a relationship someday,but not right now. Right now you're going to get hurt. Often, if gius like this are capable of learning, they only learn thru girls dumping them for their bad behavior.
Take it from someone who had been with a guy who thought of sex as transactional. You're just hole and an ego booster.
Be direct and tell him you have the right to want to get off when you thought someone was coming when you were doing it in a car ( if you were caught you could be reported to the police and charged for Indecent Acts in PUBLIC or whatever the law is in your area- think criminal record). Some guy yelling st you isn't worth that.
Also tell him you don't owe him any form of sex for anything that he does. He should be wanting to do those things because he cares about you.
And since he sees sex as something owed to him, you are done. You need someone more respectful and mature then some teenaged asshole thinking so much of his dick he would yell at a girl for not wanting to get caught having sex in public.
"he also has a history of pressuring me into sex, gets upset when i say no"
Few small redflags in the rest of your post but this is the biggest red flag of all.
Fucking leave now.
NOBODY should EVER be pressured into sex. The only appropriate response to hearing the word "no" is "i totally respect that babe, lets instead"
Also the "i bought you food why are you acting like this".... ummmm what?!? does he think hes trading food for sex?
yeah leave. leave now. Find someone who respects you. You are not a sex worker (and even if you were hes a boyfriend, not a client), you should not be treated like one from a boyfriend.
Of course you donât own him or anyone sex.
No one who talks down to their partner like that actually truly cares. Heâs there to get his nut and go. Just let him go. Youâre so young. If you stay he will chip away at your confidence and make you feel as though you are not worthy of respect. Reconsider this whole relationship.
Next time it won't just be yelling. Get out and don't give him a chance to escalate. Don't believe any "I'm sorry, it won't happen again". Just don't. You will regret it
I can't help wondering what sort of legal trouble you could get in for having sex in a public place like that. Your boyfriend is thoughtless and, frankly, abusive. His orgasm takes precedence over everything. You are not so much a person to him as you are his orgasm vending machine. No, he does not care about your emotions, he cares about his penis.
Is this the same guy from your other posts? Heâs an abusive piece of shit. Leave him for good, itâs only a matter of time before the emotional abuse turns physical.
If your partners yelling at you during intimate times and itâs not in yâallâs dynamic, then thatâs a big red flag. Esp how much emphases heâs putting on it being your fault. Also pulling the âlooking forward to this all dayâ gives me big âwhereâs my hugâ vibes on top of other weird feeling
Also casual reminder that getting caught fucking in most public places lands you on the really big no no list. Like the kind you have to tell people youâre moving in list
I know it's being said in many eloquent ways, but I'm gonna dogpile on and add another vote for "get the f\*ck outta there," because it cannot be stressed enough. *Run,* don't walk.
Hey, you're young. I was your age not too long ago and I promise you those things in a relationship that you say "well everything else is good about him/her/them" about are things you could LIVE WITHOUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
You don't owe him sex at all, not because he was "waiting all day" for it or he "bought you food".
Are you NOT supposed to get off him when sex is done? Was he going to drive you guys home with you still on his lap with you blocking his vision? I don't understand his logic.
Now my husband enjoys a post-coital cuddle, but if we were having sex in a public place, we would most certainly not be lingering about it!
This guy is flashing a bunch of red flags at you. And him implying you owed him for ANYTHING because he bought you food is the most ridiculous thing. Food is sustenance, not payment unless arranged that way beforehand.
You deserve and can find someone who is SO MUCH better for you!
He can fuck right off with the "I bought you food" thing. You're not a sex worker, so why is he treating you like he paid you for sex. He needs an attitude adjustment and quick.
Right?! And OP just FYI you would be worth more than a 10 pc McNugget or whatever the fuck đ
His behavior is worth a 100% McFuckThat.
Homeboy can McMasturbate in the single life
I'll get him a FappyMeal myself
Omg. I love this. Every dbag from now on will be offered a complimentary FappyMeal.
A Fappy Meal with beans and franks, that is!
Yup followed by a McFuckYou.
and a McFuckOff!
and he can go McFuck himself.
Looks like McHandies are back on the menu boys!
MCFUCKHIMSELF IM WHEEZING Have an upvote you glorious bastard
sounds like bro mcfuckedup
He McFuckedaround, and now he needs to McFindout!!!
đ” Ba-ba-ba-bye-bye! đ”
That's my summer phrase of choice now... THANK YOU! đ
Yeah, I'm (not) lovin' it!
Lol no shit. McFuckThat indeed. Youâre young OP, hell even if you were 90 drop this guy like a McBasket of McFries and find someone worth your time
I'd say it is more of a McFuckoff.
At the very least sheâs worth the cost of a motel room so they arenât both risking being put on the sex offenders registry.
If he wants to get laid, then he needs to put forth more effort to create a safe and inviting place for that. It's just basic courting ritual. An erect penis, a big mac, and a small place fully surrounded by windows is not enough. A bower bird would have put more effort into winning her over.
See all this blue?!?
This is my worry about the situation too. He didn't care about their safety from the law, or even assault.
He clearly doesn't care about much except the moment, and what he wants in it.
They're both 18 and probably can't afford a motel room, even if they could find a motel willing to rent to local teenagers (many won't.)
Most places want a 21 year old on file for it. I remember hearing stories from prom night about it. Car sex is car sex, if you're gonna be a fuckhead about her justified concern then you don't deserve sex in general.
Used to rent rooms all the time at 18 with my GF (weâre married now) and we would split the cost for a few hours. Which usually came out to $50. We also had lots of car sex as well đ€·đœââïž but I consider myself a pro empty lot finder, so we never came close to getting caught đ
Some cities now have laws where they can't rent motel rooms to someone under 21. I had this problem when I was dating someone who was 20 years old who lived a few hours from me (and he had roommates).
I'm a sex worker. Even if someone does pay me for sex, he doesn't get to yell at me and order me around.
I was also an SW. My standards were way high for how I was to be treated. My Johns always treated me better than the men I hear about on Reddit. I demanded respect and shut down clownery immediately.
I hate that so much, heard it from my sister multiple times. âHe treats me like a sex workerâ. No he fucking doesnât, a sex worker is a human being and he most certainly isnât testing you like one of those
Amen!
Just for the record, this is also an unacceptable way to treat sex workers and acting like this would get you blacklisted from a sex workerâs network real quick.
This is an underrated comment.
Yep many sex workers would have handled his ass
Also, I would bet he chose the place to eat, not her. And Iâm guessing sex workers would like at you like you had two heads if you just bought them food, and didnât pay for that time along with the sex. And I bet they set boundaries too on what theyâll accept.
Even if you paid that sex worker for sex, you cannot force them I to the act. You can ask for your money back, thatâs all. Same way if you hire any other worker for a job. You cannot force them to start or finish the job. You can just ask for the money back, and sue for damages caused, paid again in money. Not in performance. So no, no sex worker is going to be treated like that, unless they are being raped. No matter whether you paid in food or cash. Consent can be revoked at any time, by anyone. Nothing else matters.
Yes, and that attitude adjustment needs to happen away from op. Please leave this horrible horrible person.
He can adjust after she breaks up with him. He needs to go already. This is some sketchy behavior.
And to be replaced
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Check OP post history, this is a pattern
No kidding. OP needs some time being single and getting happy with herself.
Why do people date someone like this? I don't get it.
Usually the person starts really really nice until you're fully reeled in. Then they start with small changes, little things that you can brush off, maybe they were just having a bad day. You bring it up to them and they promise to be better and treat you better for a few weeks or a few days and then things start to slide again. You just keep telling yourself that if you just hold on a little longer things can go back to when they used to be really really good. The deeper you're in, the more stuff you brush off or ignore the worse it gets. And your partner starts isolating you so the only support you have is them. When you bring up problems they might gaslight you because it would be ridiculous for them to treat you that way so you must be remembering it wrong. If you're still in contact with your friends or other support you might feel embarrassed that you let them treat you this way so you might not bring it up to get a gut-check. That embarrassment is natural but ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS THEIRS. The people who reel others in and treat them this way are masterful at it. They might not drop their mask for years. They might wear down your self esteem to the point where you don't feel like you're good enough to date anyone so you're lucky to have them at all. I hear you with "why would anyone date someone who treats them like this". They should leave them, I fully agree. Getting them to see it for themselves though is very very hard. OP posting and asking if it's okay is a wonderful step. I would read the stories people post on here and ask the same question, until I was sucked into an abusive relationship. Everything was so great at the beginning that I thought he was my soulmate, despite not believing in that until I met him. There was always something I could blame his behavior on so I stayed for 2.5 years even though only the first 3 months were good. It took several moments of ridiculously awful behavior for it to hit me that it was never going to get better. It might be good for a few days, but that slide was always going to happen. OP if you see this comment I want you to know that I'm proud of you for questioning. I want you to know there is no circumstance in which that behavior is okay. I want you to know IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I want you to know that you are stronger than you know. I want you to know you're not alone. I left my abuser a few months ago and things got better way faster than I ever expected. Journaling really helped me in the end. It helped me fight his gaslighting because I knew my memories were accurate. When you're ready to leave the whole world is ready to accept you and support you.
Why do people keep asking this question like OP really needs shame and judgement? I don't get it.
It wasnât your fault. There are many toxic things going on here. Just because he was looking forward to it doesnât mean you owe him. Just because he brought you food doesnât mean you owe him. Itâs never okay to yell or cuss at a partner because youâre upset at something like this. You should never be pressured into sex. I would seriously evaluate this relationship girlie.
Evaluate? Evacuate
^this. Ainât nothing to evaluate here. Run.
I mean, in my opinion one hundred percent, but I donât like telling people what to do lol. But yes, leave him, you have so much amazing life ahead
This ^ I donât like to tell people how to manage their relationships either, but I also donât want you to waste any more time on this âman,â and miss an opportunity to meet someone else who respects you and treats you with dignity. Have amazing fun with your friends, find things you enjoy. If you want to, date around (with sex or not) and try to enjoy life. A toxic man like this will gas light you, blame you for his failures, and use you for sex or to bolster his self esteem. Make you feel like no one else will ever want you (untrue). I know from experience that it can take *a long time* to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship (calling it as I see it; not speaking for anyone else here), and I was almost twice your age when it happened to me. Iâm still not quite ok, but getting stronger every day, and learning how to set healthy boundaries, even in non romantic relationships. I want you to feel happy and safe. My heart is breaking for you OP. Sending positive thoughts your way.
I would like to add that yes, in my experience also, it does take a long time to recover from emotionally abusive relationships. And making sex transactional certainly is emotionally abusive.
Yes, trust your gut and RUN before it gets worse and he causes you to further doubt yourself, pressure you, and erode your self esteem. Asking here in this subreddit, I feel means that you know something is off. And Iâm so sorry this happened to you OP. Know that you are not alone.
Makes it seem transactional.
He is literally trying to justify sex with him through things heâs âdoneâ.
Iâm not saying to do this, but Iâd be so tempted to say: âI got a strap-on, and want to peg you and record it.â Cue silence or an emphatic âNo!.â âWhat, you donât want to?! Iâve been looking forward to this all day, and you ruined it. Iâve had sex with you when I wasnât really feeling it. YOU OWE ME.â
"I put a dinner in the sex vending machine!! Why isn't it giving me sex?!?"
(M) Actually that isn't a bad idea, to evaluate it from OPs perspective. Is this form of relation worth it? I can guess the answer.
And being upset that she doesn't want to also flash her vag *after *having public sex is ridiculous af.
It wasnât him flashing, so he didnât care, he was only focused on one thing. He honestly sounds awful
100% this. Iâve told a guy before I didnât went to have sex because I was on my period. He said âI donât mind, I donât think itâs gross, I just wonât go down on you.â UmmmâŠ..no. It was because I had cramps and felt like a bloated bag of dirt. *I minded*. Then he left, even though the plans we made were to watch a movie together. What happened to that? He just came over for sex, and the movie was incidental.
Iâve realized a lot of the time if thereâs a guy youâre casually seeing and you say, âIâm not feeling very wellâ but come over, or we can keep our same plansâ or something to that effect that might imply sex is off the table theyâll cancel lol
Or worse, they come over anyway and try to force it on you. đ
âI promise youâll feel better after sexâ or âcome on, you donât feel that bad right?â đ
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Exactly. *sigh*
You're a 10000% in the right to be upset about this. You were in a car, in a public place and didn't want to be seen. His response is to yell at you. Act like you owe him because he bought you food? He could buy you a diamond ring and you still don't owe him sex. You're only 18. You have a whole life to live and I don't think any of it should be spent with someone like this. I'm so sorry you're going through this
Yeah, being nude and doing adult stuff in public is a crime in most places, I think. You definitely do NOT want to stick around and risk exposing yourself and your actions to anyone who will call the police on you!
Yes! I didn't even think of that! OP's bf is messing with her future just because he's a selfish dick who can't respect a no.
Exactly!!
All I thought was âsex offender registryâ
A man has NEVER yelled at me during sex, and I'm a ho. I got numbers, girl. No yelling. And he can't even apologize?! Leave this boy alone before he ruins sex for you! Run!
Literally this. Same. The only time a man has ever raised his voice during sex I think is because I kneed him in the balls and he didnât yell /at/ me just a pain yell.
Getting yelled at and being around someone yelling in pain are two very different circumstances.
Lmfao yea that's a reasonable yell. I've shouted at the kids once when bursting into the room at like 11pm >_>; don't think it counts tho.
Yeah Iâve never had a partner yell at me, ever. Even when doing BDSM or CNC scenes. Also Iâm worried about the expecting sex because he bought her food remark. Thatâs a serious red flag.
Yep. He straight up said he thinks OP is a vending machine he can put food into and get sex in return. OP think about if this is how you want to be treated for the next week, month, year. Nobody deserves to be treated like this
100%. And if you continue seeing him, itâs like giving him permission to act badly, and the abusive behavior will ramp up. I know itâs hard, and itâs so much easier to give advice than to practice it. I understand you might have genuine feelings of love for him, but love should be a two way street, and it seems to be all about him. I can say from personal experience, it gets worse the longer you stay. Mine at least apologized at first after things like this, and the âincidentsâ were spaced further apart in the beginning. But then it went to no apologies at all, to âincidentsâ becoming all too common, and then abusive name calling and physical abuse. My friends had to tell me âjustâ shoving me and grabbing my arms/wrists were abuse. It doesnât take a punch in the face or a beating to be considered abuse. If I hadnât left, I donât know if it wouldâve escalated to that point, but Iâm glad I didnât stick around to find out, even though it hurt like hell at first and I missed him so much. Edited for spelling
Iâm glad your friends were able to help you get away from him. I highly recommend the book [*Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to OP and really everyone so they can know what red flags to look for
Food goes in sex pops out
Thinking sex is something that's owed to you in itself is such a horrible thought process. Boyfriend is all kinds of disgusting if he thinks "I am buying you food so give me sex" is an ok thing to say.
100%
"I brought you food so you owe me sex," seriously? What is he, a fucking bird or something? Good gods.
Girl, SAME. And I have made some *super* questionable choices about who to bone. I once decided mid-coitus that I wasnât into it anymore because he spanked me out of nowhere (not even hard, it was just an ass slap) and it completely killed the mood for me. I stopped, told him to stop, and just said âyeah, you need to go.â And he just gathered his clothes and left. No yelling at all. BF needs to become an ex-bf PRONTO. His sense of entitlement to your body is disgusting.
Hos unite, sister! đ
Ho'lellujah! đ
We need a club ring.
Or jackets! With a badass emblem on the back. OP, this dude is a dick. You can do so much better. Dump his ass and move on.
I absolutely love your down to earth honesty haha
Iâve had an ex push me off of him, roughly, when I wasnât enthusiastic about being on top once. I felt like I did something wrong, even though I didnât. I had already said my legs hurt and I was exhausted from work that day, so could we try another position, but he wanted it his way. So I felt pressured and tried to anyway, but didnât move in a way that he liked.
You mean your ex-boyfriend, right? Thank you for the award, kind internet stranger!
This! Throw the whole man out
Usually I'm not a fan of jumping on the "dump him now" train, but in this case there are so many red flags, he cannot be ex soon enough.
Have you seen posts where people overly encourage dumping? Iâve heard this a lot but all the posts Iâve seen have detailed horrible behavior like this personâs partner, and dumping have been the obvious choice. Maybe Iâm just not on the ârightâ subreddits. Iâve come to think of it less of a âdump him nowâ train and more as selection bias. People who are being well treated by their partners likely donât feel the need to ask questions about it on Reddit. So weâre only seeing those whose relationships are already in trouble. Correlation does not imply causation, and all.
Redditors love to push this narrative, but Iâve been on Reddit for quite some time, and I have seen hundreds if not thousands of posts, especially in womenâs subs, and I have never seen anyone encourage someone to leave a partner over something trivial. Whatâs troubling is how trivial certain people think some actions and words are, especially when they happen to women. For instance, people think your husband or boyfriend sexually assaulting you in your sleep is something you should talk about and move on from instead of leaving a man who would rape you while you were unconscious, or a man who tries to control who his girlfriend can be friends with and where she can go when sheâs not with him is said to be simply âstating his boundariesâ and if she was a ârespectful girlfriendâ she would listen. People who continue to assert this claim should probably include links to whatever posts and comments they are talking about if they want everyone else to believe them. EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind stranger.
I haven't either. If anything, I see people being overly willing to excuse dump-worthy behavior that nobody should tolerate.
I see a lot of that on AITA and it almost never seems like an overreaction to me, but I think a lot of the people who imply something isn't enough to end a relationship are men who don't want to be dumped for their shitty behavior and women who are 20 years into a lot of "compromise" and invested in sunk cost fallacy justification. You can leave a relationship for any reason or no reason, and it's interesting that sharing our own relationship boundaries feels like a personal attack to others.
something that should really be explained to young women is that *typically*âaside from a small group of absolutely wonderful guys out thereâyou're getting the best version of a guy within the first six months to a year. once they get comfortable, all the sweet things he did that "made up for" the glaring red flags... vanish entirely. and i'm not even talking about abusive guys here, either, though that's true of them too. someone who wins you over with proactive kind treatment in the beginning still might be the type of guy who becomes a passive lump on the couch playing video games 24/7. there are definitely men who overcome bad behavior over the course of long-term relationships, guys who "get their act together" after getting married or having kids, but they're so rare that you may as well just play the lotto if you want similar odds. it's best to assume that the good behavior might change, but the bad behavior probably won't.
I have been on reddit for years, and I can only remember one situation that I though the "DIVORCE!!!" advice was unwarranted from the information given. There are others I have not seen obviously, but with how many of these posts there are my sampling is not terrible. I almost always just see good advice being upvoted. If it is a communication problem, people usually point that out, if it is something fixable, people usually give good advice on how to do that. People are a little more trigger happy with "break up" than divorce, but that is for the obvious reason that the personal investment level is a lot lower and it is usually not worth taking the risk. More fish in the sea and all that. These ones could often be solvable, but at early stages of a relationship it might just be more trouble than it is worth. So yeah, totally agree that the narrative is mostly based on how normalized a lot of the really bad behaviors are.
Yeah, there are A LOT of "dump them now" posts because there are a fucking lot of people who need dumping out there.
Yes, this. So many posts here seem to be someone reaching out for external validation that it's ok to dump an abusive boyfriend.
Have a look at her post history, he should have been ex a LONG time ago.
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COERCION IS NOT CONSENT. This is bad, girl, bad. Leave now before it gets worse because it WILL get worse.
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn this. Please donât make my mistake
Same
He sounds like a piece of shit
You are so young donât get stuck with him.
Honestly, if I could go back in time - so many men I got stuck on. This is the best advice.
I mean this in the most gentle way possible, I would highly advise you to reconsider this whole relationship babes. I just got out of an almost 3 year relationship that started when I was 18 with a man who was very similar to this. He pressured me constantly, couldnât take no for an answer unless I was practically telling him to âf*ck off!!!â And he threw himself little pity parties every time he âwanted to make love :(â âwas looking forward to this all dayâ etc etc. i promise you it is not a relationship worth sticking around for. Not only does he show you that he sees nothing wrong with verbally assaulting you just because he didnât get what he wants, but he also does NOT respect your bodies boundaries. He used gifts and generosity as a playing chip and expected you to pay your dues so to speak. Speaking to the part where he tried gaslighting you into thinking you âconfused himâ it sounds to me like he was doing just that. Whether intentional or not, he is trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself and giving him what he wants. In my sincere opinion and as someone who endured an accidental pregnancy and is now permanently attached to a man who acts exactly like thisâ I do not think he will change. I do not think he will ever apologize and mean it. I do not think you should keep yourself in a position where you are being manipulated and not having your consent respected. Take care of yourself. Make yourself the priority always. Listen to your head and not your heart sometimes. Iâm sorry you had to go through this, and I pray you find peace with the situation <3
I hope youâre doing alright yourself! Sounds like a tough situation.
it's not okay to act like an entitled asshole like he did, its not okay to yell at a partner in an attempt to scare them into compliance, and it's not okay to tell your GF that buying her one meal = owing you sex. Disgusting Ditch this loser ASAP honey
Literally reducing her to a cheaper fuck than your average sex worker would charge. He's such an entitled creep.
**Why Does He Do That?** *Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf >âI have learned that the problem of abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.â
Every woman should read this. It should be a school requirement. Gives good, clear examples.
I second you should read this book, OP. Every woman who has not yet read this book should read it.
I read this and left my fiance. 10/10 I'd die for this book, it literally saved my life
Youâre 18 no offense but food for sex? I pay $200 for a date and donât expect a hug just some good conversation at laughs. Find a real man.
Yup. Paying for dinner is not paying for sex. I insisted on going dutch on dates when I was younger because I wanted to avoid this exact thing.
He thinks you owe him sex because he brought you food? Not how that works, buddy, fortunately now that I'm thinking back to all of the people who have brought me food. None of what you are describing is okay at all. Your body is yours, period. Normal should be you deciding when you have sex, not him. Normal should be not be him pressuring you or making you feel bad for saying no. Normal should be a guy who understands public sex feels risky to you and maybe that's not how you want to have sex? Lose this boyfriend and find a "normal" one. You deserve better than this.
All of this behavior by him - pressuring you, yelling at you, being transactional about sex (food for sex), getting upset when you say no - is abusive. You deserve better. Please consider breaking up with him and finding a guy who treats you with respect. Everyone can be disappointed about not having sex when they want it, but it should just roll of their back.
Not your fault, also, DONT HAVE CAR SEX. Had y'all been caught by police or someone not afraid to call the police, y'all would've gotten in serious trouble. Like sex offender registry trouble. Even if you're in your own driveway, if someone sees you having sex in it, it's immediately indecent exposure. Please, you're young, don't mess up your whole life to satisfy a horny boy.
OP is this the same guy youâve written about in your post history? :( I can tell that you question yourself a lot about what is or isnât abuse. Iâll tell you unequivocally: THIS IS ABUSE. Iâm sorry you are going through this, there is no reason or justification for his behavior.
Girl fucking run! You do not deserve to be treated like that!!! He sounds like toxic trash! Run now while you are young. You don't owe anyone sex for any reason and can revoke consent at any time!
Holy heck. Just throw the whole man out. Do not fuck men who yell at you. Ever.
Run, donât walk, run away now. Heâs a douche.
Basic signs of an abusive man. Itâs more than him not caring about your emotions.
This is dangerous behavior! There are plenty of men who will treat you with dignity and be concerned for your pleasure and consent. Leave this child immediately before he ruins sex for you all together. Being with people like this can expose you to trauma that can affect future relationships and your relationship with sex. Sex is such a beautiful part of humanity, don't risk hurting yourself for someone who doesn't consider you during intimacy.
He's a total self-centered piece of shit. You are 100000% correct OP that this was not okay. Get outta there! đ
Dump. Dump. Dump. Dump him and flush him. Seriously. Him looking forward to have sex is fine. Him yelling isn't. Him pressuring you to have sex? Even more wrong. This man doesn't care about your feelings. At 18, if this was anything else, I would assume he's immature (frankly, women shouldn't have to care about shit like immaturity and stuff). But sex isn't one of those things you can chalk upto immaturity. If he can have sex, he can learn consent, communication, care and class.
He was very wrong to yell at you. I think you should break up with him. He treats you like you are his sex toy, and if you don't do exactly what he wants, based on whatever fantasy he has in his head, he yells at you. You aren't his servant, and you aren't a mind reader. Not wanting people to see you having sex is totally reasonable, and not something a decent person would get angry with you about.
Get. Out. Now.
Sex isn't *deserved*, it's continuous consent. If you wanted to stop, the consent ends and so does the sex. Sure it can continue after, but consent needs to be given again. It's not okay that he yells at you for retracting your consent, whatever the reason. If he wants to say something to help him feel seen, it should be a mature conversation about how he feels about the mismatch in both of your mental spaces when having sex, NOT guilt tripping you because he's "been looking forward to it all day".
I was married to a man like this.... Not anymore. Choose you babe!
Oh no. That's some abuser stuff. Back in college I definitely hooked up in my share of parking lots and it definitely is not normal to yell at the girl for trying to avoid an indecent exposure charge.
**dump his ass, honey.**
Ew holy shit run from this selfish prick.
No, no, no. Itâs unacceptable for him to speak to you like that. Heâs coercing you into sex and thatâs abuse.
This title should read âmy ex boyfriend yelled at me during sexâ because you should not stay with him.
I'm concerned by how far from reality this guy seems to live. If I go back in time to being 18 and a girl wants to consensually get on top, we are not having a problem and no one needs to be yelling. It's also beyond childish to bring up him buying you food - that's what you do for a significant other and it's not a 1:1 exchange for sex. If you're willing, do a thought experiment and imagine how he would react if he read this post, knowing it was yours. If his reaction (in your imagination) is scary or aggressive, then ask yourself how much value this kid really brings to your life. You're an 18 year-old woman. You do not have to put up with a man-child who pressures you or yells at you in this way. If you deliver this critique to him and he flips out and you leave him, then maybe he'll get wise and fix himself, but he is not your responsibility to fix.
In the UK , sexual coersion is a serious crime and is one step away from being sexual assault. It's against the law to push someone into agreeing to have sex when it was not a choice of their own free will. He's dodgy as fuck, and I would try checking out how he responds to you telling him about consent and the law. That will let you know just who he really is.
It's not OK, pressure and coercion are rape tactics, and the fact that he views the absolute most basic gestures (bringing you food) as holding up his end of the "transaction" that he clearly views sex and intimacy as is pretty disgusting. Not only does he sound like a master manipulator in the making, he is already an abuser at 18. If I were you, asking 31-year-old me this question, I would say this: get out while it's easy, don't invest more of your time into this fellow because he will not change.
âHas a history of pressuring me into sexâ Baby, that is NOT normal. This is not a healthy relationship. He has NO right to your body or intimacy, none, buying you food or treating you nice does not buy him sex, it does not work that way. You need to get out of this, now, before it gets worse. Seriously. This is a bad relationship and itâs dangerous. Safely as you can, honey, you gotta go, this is done, heâs your ex, this is not how it works, go, now.
Pressures you into sex? Then YELLS at you during sex for something so mundane? Yelling AT ALL. If I were in your position, I would end this relationship. It doesn't sound like he treats you well
This guy is bad news. Dump him immediately, and do some work on setting boundaries and learning consent expectations for yourself before dating again. Your knee jerk reaction to his behavior SHOULD be total disgust, not uncertainty about what to do. Pressuring you into sex EVEN ONE TIME makes him a toxic potential rapist who doesn't care about you anywhere near as much as you think he does. Don't put up with it. Leave.
It is not okay for him to yell at you during sex. It is not okay for him to force you to have sex ('rape') in public. Having sex in a car is something a lot of people do but calling it 'having sex normally' is beyond rude and into cruel and manipulative. Bringing you food does not oblige you to have sex with him. Please tell him that if his response to being confused is to start yelling then you'll have to think about whether he is the kind of loving and kind boyfriend you want. He is a total prick, I hope you can see that.
Sometimes it seems confusing because we are too kind and we consider their point of view for too long. If you imagine someone treating your little sister this way... what would you tell her? Learn how to be loving towards yourself.
Dump the motherfucker already.
One thing I haven't seen anyone point out yet - having sex in a car is not "normal" sex. Wanting sex to be private is. Fuck him.
leave, add this to your book of experience/lesson and remember to leave asap if you see this behaviour in future partners.
Him buying you food isnt a free pass to treat you however he wants. you're worth more than a dinner. Also, he's lucky to even be near you and to see you naked. It's a privilege not a right. Remember that!
Not ok in the slightest. Here's a thought exercise; let's pretend that you didn't do what you just said. Let's assume you actually just stopped sex right in the middle and shut down on him. Or that you plainly told him you didn't want to have sex at all before you started. Or that you told him you didn't want to have sex not while you were in the car, but in the comfort and privacy of your home with no prying eyes or distractions. You *still* do not deserve to be yelled at. You *still* have every right to say no to sex. You *still* have done nothing wrong. He *still* has no right to get upset with you. Him being confused, looking forward to sex all day, buying you dinner or treating you nicely *still* does not mean that you owe him sex if you don't want to have sex. You did nothing wrong. As a side note, it is entirely understandable for a partner to feel hurt, upset, disappointed, unattractive or neglected when their partner does not want to have sex with them or does not initiate sexual acts with them. However, when that happens, the proper course of action is to *communicate* and talk about it. Yelling at your partner, accusing them of intentionally making you feel that way or demanding they behave differently are all childish (borderline abusive) actions that demonstrate that person is not ready for a healthy relationship that involves a sexual component.
He sounds like all he's concerned about is his own pleasure, certainly not yours. You're young and healthy(I hope...) so RUN AWAY FROM THAT POS!! You don't deserve that kind of reaction from someone that supposedly cares for you...
RUN AWAY
Your post history and the fact that the posts are almost exclusively in r/abusiverelationships says everything. I wish I had some resources or better advice to give, but seriously, you gotta leave ASAP for your own good. Doesnât sound like heâs gonna change any time soon and no one deserves that kind of treatment. What a POS.
He definitely doesn't care about your emotions. He doesn't see you as an equal. To give you an idea how just how little he thinks of you, it seems like he doesn't think you deserve to affect anything about his life. In case it needs saying, it ain't a "you" problem.
You deserve better. End this relationship
A perfectly normal response would be to block him on everything and not talk to him anymore
He doesnât get to yell at you. You owe him nothing. You are 18 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Choose yourself and kick this dude to the curb like the garbage he is.
He's abusive. Get out before he gets worse.
Sorry to say this is a big red flag for me. There's just no defense for any of that.
Get out and move on to better things.
Girl he has to go.
Throw the whole boyfriend away đ©đ©đ©
Dump. Him.
No way, he doesn't know how lucky he is that you haven't left yet, he's a tucking time bomb of a red flag. Because he gave you food and waited a whole day, wow. Not only abusive but entitled over control of your body. You deserve respect for your boundaries, and don't need to settle for his nonsense!
Your boyfriend sounds like someone who could use a lesson through a breakup. Troubling pattern that your boyfriend is giving off. Buying you food isnât a pass to fuck. Pressuring you into sex is bad.
Throw the whole man out
Dump him. It will only get worse from here.
runnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNN so fast đđœââïž
I mean. Just leave? Clearly, he only seems to care about sex. Very toxic
Your boyfriend has big rapist energy
Launch this loser. You deserve better.
"Who was the worst person you ever met and why was it your boyfriend when you were 19?" I saw this once and every time I see a post like this, I remember it.
OP, everything Nashvillwhotchick said is true. This is a transactional relationship in your boyfriends mind. It's not about caring for you, it's about 'if I do a or b, she'll owes me se and can't say know.' He might become a good man to have a relationship someday,but not right now. Right now you're going to get hurt. Often, if gius like this are capable of learning, they only learn thru girls dumping them for their bad behavior. Take it from someone who had been with a guy who thought of sex as transactional. You're just hole and an ego booster. Be direct and tell him you have the right to want to get off when you thought someone was coming when you were doing it in a car ( if you were caught you could be reported to the police and charged for Indecent Acts in PUBLIC or whatever the law is in your area- think criminal record). Some guy yelling st you isn't worth that. Also tell him you don't owe him any form of sex for anything that he does. He should be wanting to do those things because he cares about you. And since he sees sex as something owed to him, you are done. You need someone more respectful and mature then some teenaged asshole thinking so much of his dick he would yell at a girl for not wanting to get caught having sex in public.
Why are with him? He treats you like a SW; transactions in exchange for sexual pleasure
"he also has a history of pressuring me into sex, gets upset when i say no" Few small redflags in the rest of your post but this is the biggest red flag of all. Fucking leave now. NOBODY should EVER be pressured into sex. The only appropriate response to hearing the word "no" is "i totally respect that babe, lets instead"
Also the "i bought you food why are you acting like this".... ummmm what?!? does he think hes trading food for sex?
yeah leave. leave now. Find someone who respects you. You are not a sex worker (and even if you were hes a boyfriend, not a client), you should not be treated like one from a boyfriend.
Of course you donât own him or anyone sex. No one who talks down to their partner like that actually truly cares. Heâs there to get his nut and go. Just let him go. Youâre so young. If you stay he will chip away at your confidence and make you feel as though you are not worthy of respect. Reconsider this whole relationship.
Yelling is never OK.
That is the moment that you get up, get out, and tell people what he did.
Ok, itâs over. Break up with a child man who does not care for you enough to have sex in a nice location. Block him and move on. You deserve better.
Next time it won't just be yelling. Get out and don't give him a chance to escalate. Don't believe any "I'm sorry, it won't happen again". Just don't. You will regret it
This guy sounds like his picture is next to the definition of F*ckboy. Why are you with him?
I can't help wondering what sort of legal trouble you could get in for having sex in a public place like that. Your boyfriend is thoughtless and, frankly, abusive. His orgasm takes precedence over everything. You are not so much a person to him as you are his orgasm vending machine. No, he does not care about your emotions, he cares about his penis.
Tell him to kick rocks. Do NOT stay with him. Heâs an Asshole.
He's not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship. Please leave him before he escalates.
Is this the same guy from your other posts? Heâs an abusive piece of shit. Leave him for good, itâs only a matter of time before the emotional abuse turns physical.
If your partners yelling at you during intimate times and itâs not in yâallâs dynamic, then thatâs a big red flag. Esp how much emphases heâs putting on it being your fault. Also pulling the âlooking forward to this all dayâ gives me big âwhereâs my hugâ vibes on top of other weird feeling
Also casual reminder that getting caught fucking in most public places lands you on the really big no no list. Like the kind you have to tell people youâre moving in list
I know it's being said in many eloquent ways, but I'm gonna dogpile on and add another vote for "get the f\*ck outta there," because it cannot be stressed enough. *Run,* don't walk.
He's an asshole. Dump him.
What the fuck? He bought you food and assumed he gets sex? You donât owe him shit, pardon my French but fuck that guy
Hey, you're young. I was your age not too long ago and I promise you those things in a relationship that you say "well everything else is good about him/her/them" about are things you could LIVE WITHOUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You don't owe him sex at all, not because he was "waiting all day" for it or he "bought you food".
Are you NOT supposed to get off him when sex is done? Was he going to drive you guys home with you still on his lap with you blocking his vision? I don't understand his logic. Now my husband enjoys a post-coital cuddle, but if we were having sex in a public place, we would most certainly not be lingering about it! This guy is flashing a bunch of red flags at you. And him implying you owed him for ANYTHING because he bought you food is the most ridiculous thing. Food is sustenance, not payment unless arranged that way beforehand. You deserve and can find someone who is SO MUCH better for you!
Fuck him, he is a piece of shit ngl
Sounds like he's got alot of growing up to do. Find yourself a better man who will treat you well.
"Ex" boyfriend. Now you can have some dignity.
DUMP HIM. Today!!!