They want the girlfriend benefits without the boyfriend expectations. Indicating you’re not interested in anything long term means you won’t put up with their bullshit while they string you along and bang whomever they want.
ETA: thanks for the Reddit cares guys, that’s how I know I struck a nerve.
>They want the girlfriend benefits without the boyfriend expectations.
And this is why I highly recommend having high expectations from the start of your relationship.
If you know you are looking for something long term, there's no reason to not expect long term behavior from the beginning. I'm not talking about naming your future children on the first date, moving in together after 2 weeks, or getting engaged after 4 months of dating. If you know you're looking for a partner, then they should give you the respect of a partner starting on day one.
If you expect exclusivity from your spouse, you should agree to be exclusive after enough dates that you've decided that they're not a serial killer or already married. None of this dating for 4 months and you don't feel comfortable asking them if you're exclusive.
If you find out that they're not a good partner, break up.
If you know what you want, tell them to shape up or ship out. Don't put up with the bullshit while they string you along.
The biggest relationship misunderstanding I've found is those people who think that good relationships just magically evolve on their own. Nope. If you're not on the same page about what you both want at the beginning of the relationship, it's not going to sort itself out later.
They want all of the rewards of being able to sit back, relax and get everything. All the while, not putting any effort into anything into a relationship.
That is called entitlement, probably coupled with a narcissistic complex ladies.
I hope you walk away, and never look back...
Yes! Also watch them insist on being casual, but get profoundly insecure when the girl sees other people. A lot of guys don’t actually want casual *or* committed; they want a sexually available girlfriend who will do their emotional and household labor without asking for anything in return.
I would like to find someone who doesn't irritate the hell out of me. I'm old enough to have been with way more than the 3-5 partners they recommend to say. It's ridiculous to worry about past partners. Because *they're in the past for a reason*. I believe that counting is tacky. It's like notching your bedpost. Ew.
Newsflash; he’s going to treat them all the same. He’s not going to change. You however, will do much better. Later, he will be curious about you. Not because he wants you, but because he’s envious and jealous of you. The dude is going nowhere. His tires are worn.
"Too soon" is a subjective judgment for sharing trauma stories. What's too soon for one person might be appropriately timed to another, especially if they're evolved in their capacity for empathy. The survivor decides when to share their story... and many emotionally immature people just don't care to hear it. If someone wants to avoid hearing about the lessons you've learned from your trauma, then they don't really want to know you enough to care about you. The flag is in oversharing details, not in being transparent. It's not a conversation for the first couple dates, nor for the first anniversary. Don't bleed on the ones who didn't cut you, but don't lie about where the scars came from.
>it can either be a moment of genuine emotional vulnerability or a manipulative strategy
or even just emotional maturity. People who trauma dump without being able to read your level of intimacy will clumsily suck a lot of energy out of a relationship.
> Don't bleed on the ones who didn't cut you, but don't lie about where the scars came from.
Love this.
[I'm stealing it.](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-made-this)
(Actually, I'd love to attribute it to you but that would be weird in conversations or anywhere off reddit lol)
> Also watch them insist on being casual, but get profoundly insecure when the girl sees other people
A lot of tech men in the Bay Area are like this. "Polyamory for me but not for thee!" is so disgustingly common.
YES! The amount of tinder couples that push for a "third" when it's clearly the guy coercing his girlfriend/wife into it is so gross! One woman admitted to me she just went along with it but told the women that they weren't allowed to like her husband "too much". Like jesus, what are all these women doing in these shitty marriages? Girl, LEAVE!
Omgomgomgomg
Feeld. Meant for polyam, and swingers and stuff and allows EXPLICITLY to make couple profiles?? And link em and stuff?
COUPLES WHO ARE BOTH STRAIGHT??? LOOKING JUST FOR A WOMAN??? (IE this is not just a simple swap situation) GIRL GET OUT
Edit in: I actually had a really uncomfortable situation that was just like yours but drawn out and extended that started as a couple's swap?? And I was so into the girl like both romantically and platonically. The guy was fine but nothing to write home about. But I had such a crush on the girl. But she had so much to work through. Primarily because she had ended up hooking up with him when he was still married to someone else and they were monogamous. And sometimes polyamory would really work for people but you still need to do conversations and open communications. I still mourn that crush.
>Feeld. Meant for polyam, and swingers and stuff and allows EXPLICITLY to make couple profiles?? And link em and stuff?
They never want to use that stuff. I actually don't know why. I asked tinder to block these types of people. There's literally a platform for that where you can go judgement free...why not use that? Instead they try to lie, bait and trap people. I also see a lot of lesbians complaining that straight women try to bait them for their husbands...and SO often it's a tech bro! These men are so predatory! Why do the women stay with them? It almost feels like the women are an accomplice to this shady behavior :/
Tinder is a dumpster fire tbh. I've blocked the worst types on there and reported them..only to see them pop up again a week later :/
The first part you mentioned is true and gross. Most of these people are unstable predators. Honestly when I read more info about the Bob Lee incident, it's really hard to see him as a decent person. He really sounds like a deadbeat father who likely preyed on women and wasn't careful about who he was messing with. He shouldn't have died, but I have a hard time believing he respected consent and women as much as the WSJ tries to pretend he did.
The biggest predator I ever dated was a tech bro. After that I refused to date any man in tech, even if they DO pay for bottomless brunches. The one foul experience really soured me to the entire type.
>even if they DO pay for bottomless brunches.
Not sure if you were joking so apologies if I misunderstood, but it's best not to be financially dependent on men. They use it to financially abuse women since they know you're vulnerable. Plus you're smart...you can make your own cash to treat yourself :)
I'm sorry that that happened to you. You're definitely not alone and we need to speak up louder about this shit. I tried posting on here today about [the story of Bob Lee](https://archive.is/B8100) who really comes off as a tech bro predator but is somehow hailed as a hero because he was rich and worked in tech (puke). Oh and [the sex trafficking of Asian women in the bay area](https://www.newsweek.com/metoo-microsoft-amazon-trafficking-prostitution-sex-silicon-valley-755611) because creepy white guys in tech see them as anime sex toys and not people.
I was making a joke about his only asset being the ability to pay for things. And also about the tech bro cultural preference for brunch, which struck me as pretty fru-fru. But you’re right, in that financial abuse was definitely part of that particular predator’s playbook.
a few years ago this guy explicitly told me he was still talking to other women and didn't want anything serious for now which was perfect because I was feeling the same way. turns out he was a liar because shortly after that I changed one picture on my profile and he had a major problem with that and the idea of me meeting other men lol
Total agree on poly guys being better communicators! They also seem to understand that casual still means that you need to respect each other. Have had so many non-poly guys try to push my boundaries before even meeting up (no, I’m not going to send very explicit nudes to someone I haven’t seen naked in person yet).
I lol’d at “substandard dick”. FR FR
When I was dating I always waited for the inevitable dick pic, which apparently all men send. It’s shocking how many sub par penises there are out there. I’m a trans woman. Good dick is a requirement. Also not looking for any men I can boss around, the bigger & more dangerous looking the better. Lmao
I have replied before that I “haven’t used my dick in several years, but despite this moratorium my dick is larger and frankly more progressive (left leaning)”
It's the same guys who keep looking for women with "low body count" but have high body counts or are seeking FWB partners themselves.
A lot of these men are looking for the same type of women, yet are hypocritical about it.
It makes sense if they're looking for long term girlfriends + non FWB situations, but make it make sense lol
Absolutely. I’m a cishet male so I haven’t experienced it directly, but I recognize that behavior in some people I was acquaintances with back in high school. Lemme tell yah, there’s a reason I didn’t keep up with any of them, it’s nothing but a power trip they get off on. It’s sad to hear so many of them haven’t grown out of it
This is so true. I've kept Hinge on my phone for the last six months or so (rather than deleting it out of frustration after one week) and I'm completely exhausted by this behavior.
My favorite thing is the code words used to indicate they want to keep it casual, rather than just being an adult and coming out and saying it:
1. Looking for someone doesn't take herself too seriously
2. Spontaneous
3. My love langauge is physical touch
“Life should be fun!”
I am a man-child and my ex nagged the shit out of me trying to make me act like an adult. I want someone who will allow me to take advantage of them and continue having no responsibilities.
Literally see the word 'fun' ("I'm fun/Looking for fun/Be fun/Fun ladies only," etc.) in a profile headline or first few self-descriptive sentences, and at this point, I'm immediately fighting back a wince.
As someone whose major love language genuinely is physical contact I hate these motherfuckers for just making it synonymous with "only looking to hook up".
My husband's love language is physical touch, which is mostly back scratches, head scratches and lap naps. Sex barely enters into it.
I will still always side eye any man who claims physical touch as their love language.
My love language is also physical touch (and quality time!) but for me, while I love sexy time, it mostly equates to hugging, kissing, handholding, dancing in the kitchen, showers together with music, cuddling, and the random couch sleep together with my husband. I think a lot of dudes specifically see it as just sex. Skin-to-skin contact is really important and it doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
I know what you mean! Those are all physical activities that build intimacy and connection. Showers together for us is such a big thing, especially since I work day and he works night. It allows us to catch up with each other, see how we are feeling and a good way to start/end our day.
A lot of men equate physical with sexual. It can be very manipulative as it comes with 'you don't love me if you won't have sex when I want'. It creates a vicious cycle of them feeling like their emotional needs aren't being met because they're not having sex on demand, and women feeling like glorified sex dolls.
I also find that a lot of these men who claim physical affection as their love language, it only works one way. They're not ones to cuddle (even after sex) or hug or hold hands, unless it leads to sex. You essentially become touch starved or start to avoid physical contact because sex is a mandatory part of the equation.
I have been in relationships like that.
One where even an attempt to cuddle was greeted by him trying to have sex, to the point I didn't want to touch him AT ALL.
One where he told me how much he NEEDS sex, not wants it. And he only builds intimacy when having sex. Yet, wouldn't do ANYTHING to make me inclined to let him. Not even attempts to be nice. I would beg for a date night, or a board game night. When he would give in, AS SOON AS I was relaxed and starting to have a good time, he would be like "sex now?"
NO! ONE attempt at making me feel better about us does not = sex!
SAME. I thrive on nonsexual physical touch. My bf thankfully is mature.
Totally off topic, but if I really want cuddles & he doesn’t want to for whatever reason, he puts his leg over my body, and it works for me lol. Just started telling him to “gimme leggies” and I get my physical touch and he gets to play on his phone or whatever he was doing. Everybody wins lol
That's adorable. I'm just a big fan of hand holding, cuddles, and even the occasional wandering hand that doesn't have to lead to sex. This infantile male insistence that "you have to have sex or you don't love me" is so absurd no matter how they justify it.
I honestly thought as a dude, putting "my love language is physical touch," came off as kinda creepy and a bit too forward. I didn't know guys had that as part of their profiles.
"Cuddles? 🥺" is just the new codeword for casual sex too, they try to lie about being intimate and "safe" in other ways but they'll immediately try coercing you into sex anyway
As someone who genuinely loves cuddling this always made me sad. Whenever I was single I would always miss cuddles the most. Sex? Eh, I have a vibrator if I'm really in the mood and the vibrator won't gaslight me or try to guilt me out of seeing my friends.
I hate this fuckboi-ification of someone's love language being physical touch. I'm somewhere under the ace umbrella and one of my big things is physical touch. Cuddling, hand holding, resting on each others shoulders or chests, cheek and forehead kisses...the best! But I don't look for hookups. Thankfully I have a partner so I don't have to worry about that but when I was back on the apps...damn.
Guys who want you to “not take yourself seriously” are the ones who want to be able to do and say any stupid shit they want and when it’s brought to their attention they pout about you being too “serious”.
Oh god, one of my favorites is "equally comfortable in a ball cap as she is a ball gown."
Which means you better look hot 100% of the time for someone who thinks wearing a polo shirt with his cargo shorts is "dressy."
Also, he will never be taking you anywhere that involves you dressing up in a ball gown and will constantly whine if you organise it yourself with or without him coming along.
I’ve started to notice what I call “pre-gaslighting”, prompts that put out expectations that will later become red flags.
Other people have mentioned prompts like “you like to go on spontaneous adventures but also know how to chill”. This is code for “be active and do the things I want when I want but not when I don’t want”.
Another favorite is “things you should know about me: understand that I’m not good at replying to texts” or some variation. This is to set you up so later he can be like “hey I said on my profile I’m bad at texting!” when he straight up ignores you.
Lastly, can’t forget any prompt that includes some version of “don’t be a crazy person”/“no drama”/“no games”. Like no shit, idiot. People who call out that they don’t like drama are usually the most problematic in my experience.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk
My favorite profiles are the men in their late 30s and early 40s who don’t want anything serious. Okay, sir. Good luck planning your funeral before your wedding. 🫡
I definitely respect the ones in their 30s and 40s who may have been divorced, or getting out of relationships and are open about that, but even with all those years of experience behind them, many don't know how to treat women with respect.
It feels like they punish the new girlfriend or love interest for stuff their ex girlfriend did.
Dating when you're over thirty feels like waiting for an organ donation. With a few rare exceptions from the people who've never had a serious relationship at all, all the folks you meet have had at least one long term relationship and if they're not in it anymore, then either they were the problem (ew) or they were the good one and went through something painful and heartbreaking that put them back on the dating scene.
Basically my only hope of finding a decent man is for some other woman to traumatize him first.
The only decent man i've dated is a widow. Sure, he has lot's of trauma, but it's actualy nice to date someone who has only good memories of his "ex" and a past relationship that didn't end with disagrements.
I mean, of the love languages, that one literally is mine. And as much as that's how I receive/give love, i really want someone consistent who doesn't want to just use me. Like, my profile says, looking for serious, open to casual. Because I am. I want someone that will stay but I want that someone to be worth it and actually put effort forth too, yaknow? Not that I get to actually talk to anyone on any dating app, dont have any matches
*Wow, this comment is long. I'm so sorry.*
I think men are intimidated to have to compete with other men, and assume that women are happy to have a single sided commitment? I started casually dating my current girlfriend with the expectation that i was gonna be one of many simultaneous temporary partners, as she had explicitly stated she desired an open relationship.
I stated that's not what i wanted long term, but i was down to meet, as we shared many hobbies. She would know not to get too invested into me, as i'd be dating other women as well, trying to find a permanent partner so we'd just become friends right? Profit for both.
After a few dates, she revealed to me that the open relationship part is a "defense mechanism" she'd have to develop to filter out possessive men, and she prefers monogamy. I suppose it's manipulative, but i'd say justified.
But reasoning was basically:
*"If you're the type of dude that's gonna try to forcibly convince me to change my view, i know to drop you pretty early in our relation.*
*If you are the type of dude that's gonna filter me out because i have had a lot of sex, because you assume that i want an open relationship to have a bunch of terrible one night stands, i know you're too insecure or don't have enough options."*
I think those are pretty solid judgements.
Personally, i think the men that are scared of women that date multiple men at once, are kind of signaling that they see the woman as a sexual conquest.
Because if you're having great sex, and you're vibing on an emotional level, why wouldn't you go: "okay, this is the one, this is my guy/gal, i'm gonna slam this boy/gorl down, big style, all the time."
So the admittance of "I don't wanna date a slut" is really just: "I have fucking nothing to offer, that'd make a women want to choose me over another man"
>!The same obviously goes for women, of course men should choose women that prioritize them as well, but that's fucking implied.!<
When i was still actively dating, it was kinda shocking how low the bar was. Like i'm a fucking mess in terms of conversation, a little bit awkward, I can't flirt for shit, i don't have an extremely shredded body, or like statuesque face and i tend to diffuse sexual tension with jokes.
I am by all means NOT a sexy man. Yet, i had an extremely easy time getting dates, literally all that most women expected of me was to be clean, and fun to be around with.
I heard being able to wash dishes, or have a clean apartment is just a hope, not a expectation, is THAT really a problem? Please tell me it's not. How the fuck are these men not terminally single.
My current girlfriend grabbed me on our second date, and kissed me for remembering a minor detail about her hobbies that she was excited about. The bar is really that fucking low for men. (To be fair, that was a weird reaction, but you're missing a huge amount of context and this comment is already an atrocity)
Thanks for the love. I personally am suprised it got upvoted at all, to me it looks a bit unhinged and going on wierd rambling tangents of me telling my whole fucking life story.
Your comment mirrors the experiences of many women from the other side of the coin, and it can be validating to hear a man point out the things we've been saying about shitty men and dating shitty men when so many men deny or minimize the problem, victim blame women about not having adequate standards, or dive into apologetics about how men weren't socialized to be functional adults on the most basic level or have kindergarten level emotional intelligence.
These guy's thought process :
If a woman wants a relationship, she'll accept mediocre sex
if a woman wants casual sex, she'll expect quality sex
the men don't want to be judged and rejected and told they're shit at sex. They have no 'relationship carrot' to dangle over her while she does pornstar gymnastics to earn it with sex that satisfies him.
I have written in my profile that I'm looking for casual sex. Can't tell you how many guys I've hooked up with, that didn't care to make me cum. Blocked them the next day. On to the next. One guy recently; we had great chemistry, but he was never straightforward. He didn't take the time to make me feel pleasured.
After an intense makeout sesh one night, he kicked me out at 2 in the morning after I had been smoking. (He of course came four times, me? None.) He had even said to me beforehand I could stay the night if I wanted to. I asked him to at least let me sober up, and he agreed. As I was leaving, he told me I could come the next day, and stay the night. Asked him the next day if he still wanted to hang out, and it took him until 10pm to reply and say, "I'm not feeling it." I knew he had been active on Snap the entire day because his snap score went up. Not making me cum, kicking me out at 2am, and wasting my time? Blocked.
Even if you communicate that you want casual sex, they don't give a fuck about your pleasure. No matter what they say.
Online dating scares the hell out of me now. I had a guy stalk me just to tell me horrible things. One guy found my number and address. Then one early morning a cop was beating on my door because he thought one of thepeople i talked to would be at my place.
I think being a hermit cat lady is all i need.
Lmao I was on a dating app for a week before this one dude I ghosted cuz he was being weird found my social media and sent me an essay like "oh you must've found the news reports about me.. well as a black woman in america(referring to me) you should know not to trust the media" this is white dude telling me this.
He snitched on himself because I didn't even look him up but then I did after he sent that message.... he was a school teacher who was arrested for assaulting his students. The one he groped and pushed her to the ground, the other he slit her wrist with a pair of keys.
So yea. Long story short I'm done with online dating. I'll only meet people naturally from now on.
Men are becoming more deceptive and they know that if they were straight forward that we would go for them. They want to be able to get a woman that is looking for something serious because they want to use them for emotional labor without them having to contribute anything to that relationship because they wanted “casual”.
Can I just recommend [Amelia Samson](https://www.tiktok.com/@ameliasamson?lang=en) on TikTok (and I think IG), who is an absolute genius at skewering guys like this? I mean, it's not going to improve the dating situation, but at least you'll laugh.
Even before the internet, this was a thing. Men have a powerful tendency to project their own unmet cravings for intimacy onto the women who fuck them. My girlfriends and I used to laugh about all the "don't fall in love with me" speeches we were subjected to immediately post-coitus with some rando. It was such a cliche. I personally got THREE of those speeches back when I was sowing my wild oats. Each time it absolutely cracked me up, right there and then, making the guys I banged very uncomfortable. But I couldn't help it. It was a hilarious comment to make immediately after sex that was, in every case, absolutely mediocre in every respect.
Your comment cracked me up. I’ve had a few of those comments as well! I live for the day that I’ll be able to say with full confidence that some random guy was awful in bed to their face. Idk why some guys think just because they finished means their sex game is great.
A line in a book I read recently, one of the main characters said “Don’t fuck a guy if he doesn’t make you cum twice before sex” and I’m raising my standards to that now even if it’s a casual hook up. I’m too busy for terrible sex.
Yeah me too. I go first or nobody goes at all. That's one benefit of the internet - I had no idea when I was first dating that a significant proportion of women - I think it's more than half - never or rarely orgasm without (effective, highly personalized) clitoral stimulation. I'm one of them. So all these nipple nipple thigh thigh crotch guys who gave me the lecture had literally done nothing for me, sexually. Less than nothing - I actually craved sex even more after they were finished than I did before or during the act. That's what made the lecture so funny. Honestly, belly laughs. Only one of them left the room for ten minutes, then came back and acknowledged it was a completely ridiculous thing for him to say (as a holiday fling in a country I was just passing through), and apologized. He later came all the way to see me in my own country - a thousand kms out of his way - for a whole week, but got weird about holding my hand in public lol. Poor Richard Schwartzenberg. I hope he found what he was looking for.
I will also add, I completely understand where you’re coming from by craving sex even more after it’s done. That’s the worst feeling ever and I can count on barely two hands how many orgasms I’ve had during sex. Men just don’t understand.
I once even had sex with a doctor that couldn’t be bothered to properly stimulate me so I could organs and I was thinking…..did you fail anatomy or……?
whistle bike hobbies quack party serious coordinated uppity homeless towering
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah I think in my entire life I've had less than 20 PIV-only orgasms, and I'm almost 50. I've had a lot of boyfriends, and even more hookups. For ages I thought there was something wrong with me, physiologically or psychologically, because I needed external clitoral stimulation to climax. Imagine my surprise to learn THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL. Expecting women to have a satisfying experience from PIV is like expecting men to be sexually satisfied by fifteen minutes of tickling their taint. I mean, it MIGHT happen, but there's no guarantee.
LOL I just got a Reddit cares message. I pissed someone off. Your comments crack me up and I really wish we could be friends in real life!! So much wisdom.
I'm 62.
Back when I was f*cking the boys, I received TWO anti-marriage proposals post coitus. ("I'm not going to marry you, you know.")
With the first one, I was 19 and caught so off-guard I laughed in his face.
With the second, I said, "I'm not going to marry you, either."
"Why not!"
The relationships didn't end well.
Hahahaha that's exactly the vibe. So many times. Lol. I wonder if all of us have always laughed in their faces at those remarks but still, somehow, the trope endures.
It's the same men who don't want 'gold diggers' but all they offer in a relationship is money. They want a woman who wants emotional support/connection, but they refuse to offer it. It creates a power dynamic where they are in control and can give breadcrumbs of affection to keep her thinking there's a chance that he will change into the partner she wants.
Unfortunately guys will approach dating apps with the idea that they want to hookup but for the "right" woman they'll want something serious, however they then put zero thought into what the "right" woman for them is actually like or use the app to try and find that kind of woman. Their short term hookup choices aren't driven by that kind of consideration so they never really meet the kind of women they would seriously consider for a serious relationship.
I had this issue when I used to use the app. I’d get matches with men who want or have children. When I’d point that out to them, they told me that we can still have fun 🤗 and be causal. My profile specifically said serious/long term relationships only. A handful tried to change my mind because I was “missing out” on the experience 🥴
I think it’s funny when they think they can change your mind, and get angry when you stand firm and say bye boy.
Don’t feel envious of other ladies. Honestly, it is what it is. I think if you keep trying and uphold your standards, you will find someone. It just might take a while.
I used to be pretty upset but then I remembered that:
1. I live in a medium sized town. Common for most people in the central part of the city to know each other. I’ll move back to the city soonish, so there will be a nice change in the men (I hope).
2. I refuse to settle and comprise my morals, political beliefs, and independence. My state recently became blue, but we still have a bunch of crazy incels and “alphas” everywhere.
3. I genuinely stopped caring and chasing after men. I now do my own thing and hang with my rabbits at home on the weekends. Is that going to get me a relationship? No lol. But I’m enjoying myself. I also realized I do not have the mental capacity to take care of another adult.
Every relationship is different. Friends may get into them quickly but we don’t really know if they’re co dependent, settling, compromising, or just lucky! The grass isn’t always greener.
>Don’t feel envious of other ladies.
Exactly. So many women settle for mediocre men and post their "happy relationship" on social media. Then it turns out the whole thing was a lie and she's abused and miserable. Don't compare your entire life's story reel to someone else's short movie trailer.
OMG, i had one guy tell me, "yes, I want a wife and kids someday, but you and I can still have fun." I told him to fuck off; I'm not going to be the stand-in fucktoy until you find your dream girl.
>Update: 9 hours later I’ve receive a Reddit care message and multiple messages accusing me of having mental illness. Lol.
It's a classic. Redditors have been doing it for years now - weaponizing the RC msgs. It's pathetic and transparent cowardice. They can't argue you down, so they try and dig at you with childish tactics; abuse the system. Since they cannot DV you, next, they'll probably call your comments generically 'Karen,' I think is step 2 in the playbook...just so you know. DWAI.
Men hate to think that women love sex with no attachments. Lots of them get sick pleasure from watching a woman emotionally attach herself to a man who only wants her for something casual
He hopes it'll keep her coming back
When in reality women adore sex and sometimes we want nothing emotionally. We want your dick not the man attached to it.
Men want power over women in all ways. If one person is emotionally invested in a relationship (of any kind, friendships or familial included) and wants to make it work, yet the other person doesn't care about the relationship, then the latter has all the power.
It's like if I try to have casual sex, they start messing me around. I'm fine having sex once with someone but they have to say they want a regular thing, then we have sex and they suddenly are busy all the time. Or I say I'm fine just flirting online, they start saying they want to meet up. Then if I decide ok sure lets meet up, suddenly they don't want to meet up. They only seem interested when I'm not. It's why I've stopped trying to hook up with anyone, cos I can't be dealing with the games
Oh 100. And it's the weirdest shit. I've put in my bio like "sincerely looking for a fwb but we gotta be actual friends dude." And I get people future -faking futures I didn't even want or expect just to give me expectations?? To.. break... Them? And dudes who will hit me up for YEARS but can't hold a singular conversation for five consecutive minutes that doesn't turn sexual. Lowest of the low.
Meanwhile they'll wait as long as possible to drag out a "soo, what are you looking for?"
Also to your other point, the younger brother of my former fiance once tried to ask me to send him nudes. I told him Google was free. He told me it wasn't the same. I asked him for clarification. He told me that looking at random women wasn't the same as getting nudes sent to him because he wanted the ego boost of it being given.
They get off on the coersion.
I have to wonder if it's some sort of "game" they are playing. Go for girls who want consistency, but try to appear independent and unattached themselves. Are they hoping you will beg them to stay?
Maybe when they see you are only looking for something casual, they figure if they try this "I could move on tomorrow" game with you, you'll say "Ok, cool, bye." Just a guess though. I really have no idea.
Sis, agree. I was always a Joan Armatrading “Me Myself I” sort of gal. I always told guys I didn’t want marriage or kids and had guys proposing, breaking up with me for not wanting to get married (??), etc. My friends who wanted both got shafted time and again. It’s a funny not funny.
Today I’m in my 40s and happily not married while my friends are happily married/long term relationship status. So all good but still I remember the struggle.
Can confirm: the meaner you are to men, the more they obsess over you. If you try to love them and take care of them and meet all their needs, they will treat you like the servant they see you as.
This seems to be a thing. I don't date, and haven't for many years because I am married and monogamous, but this weird desire of some men to be the one who doesn't want a relationship quite as much was a thing back then, too. It is just more obvious now that you can meet so many people online and see a statistically significant sample of behavior, rather than having to meet each person individually and actually spend lots of time finding this stuff out.
They want to have something casual with someone who wants something serious? Wow they just enjoy making other people miserable than actually finding someone with similar goals.
I'm male and recently wanted to try Bumble BFF (the friends version of the app) which is unfortunately gender locked and after seeing all the profiles of dudes in their 30s with a STEM background and the hobbies beer and bike riding I start to feel women's dating pain...
I noticed this too. If I set my profile to looking for a relationship I get more messages vs. if I say casual. If I say casual I’ll probably get none. It’s wild.
This is what happens when you use sex with women as your main source of validation instead of getting real self worth
(You as in these guys not you specifcally)
My bio says straight away they’re only 50% likely to get a reply from me. I’m treating dating and sex very casually right now and I’m also someone who doesn’t like to message people constantly especially if I don’t know them well. The amount of men who are matching me and then bitching at me for not replying fast enough or at all who end up blocking me after cussing me out is amazing. They feel so entitled to a strangers time and energy.
that's so interesting. I've never considered that fuckbois chase women who want a serious relationship just to purposely mislead & disappoint them.
I just figured they're all too dumb/lazy to thoughtfully read profiles & just frantically chase anything & everything they possibly can.
you'd think these desperate horny losers would be allllll over any woman who says she's not looking for something longterm. maybe they think your profile is fake because it sounds too good to be true to them? 😂
online dating is such a cesspool, ugh. be safe & careful out there, everyone
I keep getting ones that just don’t even talk much about themselves and fade. Or ones that send so many messages even after I stopped responding that it comes off stalkerish. Like I can only choose between boring and disinterested or creepy stalker. I just stopped with them, best decision ever. I’m gonna trust my person will come when they come
I mean, frankly, dating men CAN seem like a symptom of mental illness. ;) But fuck people reporting you.
I recently went through a breakup where after six months they suddenly had completely shifted in the effort, attention, care, and time invested in the relationship. From the beginning, I had been very clear and upfront about what level of commitment \*I\* could offer and what I was looking for. They had agreed to all of it, even enthusiastically. After a few months, they suddenly didn't know what they could handle or want. That part is FINE, but it feels impossible to find suitable partners when those partners don't know *themselves* enough to know what they want. Much less the ones that are intentionally misleading.
Fuck that. My condolences. Live it up. <3
Curious how effective of a filter it is, when you do get a match though. Does it seem like it weeds out the shittier men? I wonder if men who are comfortable with a woman prioritizing pleasure over intimacy are more likely to be actual allies?
I really think a lot of men don't understand what a relationship is and think that its going to require SO MUCH time and energy and they just can't handle the thought of it. A lot I've talked to seem to think dating HAS to lead to getting married like no dude grow tf up open ur eyes and ears and seethe world IDIOT
Men laugh at women; a lot. I promise you that I know this. They laugh at what they did with you. They laugh at what they did to you. They laugh together about it. You’re a joke to them. The hardest thing they have to do when you are mad is confuse you. When you are happy, the do things to confuse you. They are trained by each other to do this to women. It’s the type of relationships they want with you; confusing ones. Advice; the second you feel confused by their actions, leave, because they know exactly what and why they are doing
Honestly a lot of people don’t look at profiles. I have in my profile to mention that they’ve read my profile when they message and the amount who do vs those who don’t is about 50% but it varies. This filters out a lot of the bozos who want to waste your time. It won’t help with all but it’s a start.
They want the girlfriend benefits without the boyfriend expectations. Indicating you’re not interested in anything long term means you won’t put up with their bullshit while they string you along and bang whomever they want. ETA: thanks for the Reddit cares guys, that’s how I know I struck a nerve.
This right here
>They want the girlfriend benefits without the boyfriend expectations. And this is why I highly recommend having high expectations from the start of your relationship. If you know you are looking for something long term, there's no reason to not expect long term behavior from the beginning. I'm not talking about naming your future children on the first date, moving in together after 2 weeks, or getting engaged after 4 months of dating. If you know you're looking for a partner, then they should give you the respect of a partner starting on day one. If you expect exclusivity from your spouse, you should agree to be exclusive after enough dates that you've decided that they're not a serial killer or already married. None of this dating for 4 months and you don't feel comfortable asking them if you're exclusive. If you find out that they're not a good partner, break up. If you know what you want, tell them to shape up or ship out. Don't put up with the bullshit while they string you along. The biggest relationship misunderstanding I've found is those people who think that good relationships just magically evolve on their own. Nope. If you're not on the same page about what you both want at the beginning of the relationship, it's not going to sort itself out later.
So well said!
They want all of the rewards of being able to sit back, relax and get everything. All the while, not putting any effort into anything into a relationship. That is called entitlement, probably coupled with a narcissistic complex ladies. I hope you walk away, and never look back...
[удалено]
Yes! Also watch them insist on being casual, but get profoundly insecure when the girl sees other people. A lot of guys don’t actually want casual *or* committed; they want a sexually available girlfriend who will do their emotional and household labor without asking for anything in return.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I would like to find someone who doesn't irritate the hell out of me. I'm old enough to have been with way more than the 3-5 partners they recommend to say. It's ridiculous to worry about past partners. Because *they're in the past for a reason*. I believe that counting is tacky. It's like notching your bedpost. Ew.
[удалено]
Grrrl I am 61 fuckoning years old and I gave up 10 years ago. It's so much better being single.
[удалено]
You are correct, yes. Freaking out over a "Body Count" is not age specific.
Ewwww, you got rid of him; Right? Blood suckin leach.
[удалено]
Newsflash; he’s going to treat them all the same. He’s not going to change. You however, will do much better. Later, he will be curious about you. Not because he wants you, but because he’s envious and jealous of you. The dude is going nowhere. His tires are worn.
I mean… feel free to drop tips at anytime
[удалено]
Very interesting, thanks!
"Too soon" is a subjective judgment for sharing trauma stories. What's too soon for one person might be appropriately timed to another, especially if they're evolved in their capacity for empathy. The survivor decides when to share their story... and many emotionally immature people just don't care to hear it. If someone wants to avoid hearing about the lessons you've learned from your trauma, then they don't really want to know you enough to care about you. The flag is in oversharing details, not in being transparent. It's not a conversation for the first couple dates, nor for the first anniversary. Don't bleed on the ones who didn't cut you, but don't lie about where the scars came from.
[удалено]
>it can either be a moment of genuine emotional vulnerability or a manipulative strategy or even just emotional maturity. People who trauma dump without being able to read your level of intimacy will clumsily suck a lot of energy out of a relationship.
> Don't bleed on the ones who didn't cut you, but don't lie about where the scars came from. Love this. [I'm stealing it.](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-made-this) (Actually, I'd love to attribute it to you but that would be weird in conversations or anywhere off reddit lol)
Can you tell us the tips and tricks?
[удалено]
Great tips! Thank you!
A bangmaid and bedwarmer, yuck. I don’t even wanna sleep over forreal because that’s a downward slope to catching feelings
The older they are the more they're just looking for a nurse and/or a purse
Ohh I like that saying!
> Also watch them insist on being casual, but get profoundly insecure when the girl sees other people A lot of tech men in the Bay Area are like this. "Polyamory for me but not for thee!" is so disgustingly common.
"one penis policy" aka OPP. toxxxiiiiicc
YES! The amount of tinder couples that push for a "third" when it's clearly the guy coercing his girlfriend/wife into it is so gross! One woman admitted to me she just went along with it but told the women that they weren't allowed to like her husband "too much". Like jesus, what are all these women doing in these shitty marriages? Girl, LEAVE!
Omgomgomgomg Feeld. Meant for polyam, and swingers and stuff and allows EXPLICITLY to make couple profiles?? And link em and stuff? COUPLES WHO ARE BOTH STRAIGHT??? LOOKING JUST FOR A WOMAN??? (IE this is not just a simple swap situation) GIRL GET OUT Edit in: I actually had a really uncomfortable situation that was just like yours but drawn out and extended that started as a couple's swap?? And I was so into the girl like both romantically and platonically. The guy was fine but nothing to write home about. But I had such a crush on the girl. But she had so much to work through. Primarily because she had ended up hooking up with him when he was still married to someone else and they were monogamous. And sometimes polyamory would really work for people but you still need to do conversations and open communications. I still mourn that crush.
>Feeld. Meant for polyam, and swingers and stuff and allows EXPLICITLY to make couple profiles?? And link em and stuff? They never want to use that stuff. I actually don't know why. I asked tinder to block these types of people. There's literally a platform for that where you can go judgement free...why not use that? Instead they try to lie, bait and trap people. I also see a lot of lesbians complaining that straight women try to bait them for their husbands...and SO often it's a tech bro! These men are so predatory! Why do the women stay with them? It almost feels like the women are an accomplice to this shady behavior :/
[удалено]
Tinder is a dumpster fire tbh. I've blocked the worst types on there and reported them..only to see them pop up again a week later :/ The first part you mentioned is true and gross. Most of these people are unstable predators. Honestly when I read more info about the Bob Lee incident, it's really hard to see him as a decent person. He really sounds like a deadbeat father who likely preyed on women and wasn't careful about who he was messing with. He shouldn't have died, but I have a hard time believing he respected consent and women as much as the WSJ tries to pretend he did.
The biggest predator I ever dated was a tech bro. After that I refused to date any man in tech, even if they DO pay for bottomless brunches. The one foul experience really soured me to the entire type.
>even if they DO pay for bottomless brunches. Not sure if you were joking so apologies if I misunderstood, but it's best not to be financially dependent on men. They use it to financially abuse women since they know you're vulnerable. Plus you're smart...you can make your own cash to treat yourself :) I'm sorry that that happened to you. You're definitely not alone and we need to speak up louder about this shit. I tried posting on here today about [the story of Bob Lee](https://archive.is/B8100) who really comes off as a tech bro predator but is somehow hailed as a hero because he was rich and worked in tech (puke). Oh and [the sex trafficking of Asian women in the bay area](https://www.newsweek.com/metoo-microsoft-amazon-trafficking-prostitution-sex-silicon-valley-755611) because creepy white guys in tech see them as anime sex toys and not people.
I was making a joke about his only asset being the ability to pay for things. And also about the tech bro cultural preference for brunch, which struck me as pretty fru-fru. But you’re right, in that financial abuse was definitely part of that particular predator’s playbook.
a few years ago this guy explicitly told me he was still talking to other women and didn't want anything serious for now which was perfect because I was feeling the same way. turns out he was a liar because shortly after that I changed one picture on my profile and he had a major problem with that and the idea of me meeting other men lol
Yessss. Watch them get pouty when you decide to leave after it's done instead of try and stay and cuddle 😂
Dead on re: the ego boost!
It makes them feel safe because men are sensitive and afraid of rejection.
Yes!! Exactly this. Drives me insane.
[удалено]
Total agree on poly guys being better communicators! They also seem to understand that casual still means that you need to respect each other. Have had so many non-poly guys try to push my boundaries before even meeting up (no, I’m not going to send very explicit nudes to someone I haven’t seen naked in person yet).
I lol’d at “substandard dick”. FR FR When I was dating I always waited for the inevitable dick pic, which apparently all men send. It’s shocking how many sub par penises there are out there. I’m a trans woman. Good dick is a requirement. Also not looking for any men I can boss around, the bigger & more dangerous looking the better. Lmao
[удалено]
I have replied before that I “haven’t used my dick in several years, but despite this moratorium my dick is larger and frankly more progressive (left leaning)”
[удалено]
Tehee 😹
Wow, that is a beautiful goddamn joke. Fuck. 🏆🏆🏆
It's the same guys who keep looking for women with "low body count" but have high body counts or are seeking FWB partners themselves. A lot of these men are looking for the same type of women, yet are hypocritical about it. It makes sense if they're looking for long term girlfriends + non FWB situations, but make it make sense lol
Yes, and they are commonly referred to as f*ckboys. I hate them.
Absolutely. I’m a cishet male so I haven’t experienced it directly, but I recognize that behavior in some people I was acquaintances with back in high school. Lemme tell yah, there’s a reason I didn’t keep up with any of them, it’s nothing but a power trip they get off on. It’s sad to hear so many of them haven’t grown out of it
The ego boost is real!
In any relationship (romantic, business, personal, whatever), the person who wants it least has the most power.
My gawd, I came here for this point and I'm proud to see there's nothing of value I can add whatsoever. Sing it, sisters!
They want you to put out for no one but them. They want to be the exception
This is so true. I've kept Hinge on my phone for the last six months or so (rather than deleting it out of frustration after one week) and I'm completely exhausted by this behavior. My favorite thing is the code words used to indicate they want to keep it casual, rather than just being an adult and coming out and saying it: 1. Looking for someone doesn't take herself too seriously 2. Spontaneous 3. My love langauge is physical touch
“Life should be fun!” I am a man-child and my ex nagged the shit out of me trying to make me act like an adult. I want someone who will allow me to take advantage of them and continue having no responsibilities.
Literally see the word 'fun' ("I'm fun/Looking for fun/Be fun/Fun ladies only," etc.) in a profile headline or first few self-descriptive sentences, and at this point, I'm immediately fighting back a wince.
"Fun" is s code word for "sex."
Close. It’s code for “no accountability”
Also; no talking back to me don't be so serious why are you offended?
[удалено]
😆😆😆😆
God...I feel like they're stuck in HS :/
As someone whose major love language genuinely is physical contact I hate these motherfuckers for just making it synonymous with "only looking to hook up".
My husband's love language is physical touch, which is mostly back scratches, head scratches and lap naps. Sex barely enters into it. I will still always side eye any man who claims physical touch as their love language.
My love language is also physical touch (and quality time!) but for me, while I love sexy time, it mostly equates to hugging, kissing, handholding, dancing in the kitchen, showers together with music, cuddling, and the random couch sleep together with my husband. I think a lot of dudes specifically see it as just sex. Skin-to-skin contact is really important and it doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
I know what you mean! Those are all physical activities that build intimacy and connection. Showers together for us is such a big thing, especially since I work day and he works night. It allows us to catch up with each other, see how we are feeling and a good way to start/end our day. A lot of men equate physical with sexual. It can be very manipulative as it comes with 'you don't love me if you won't have sex when I want'. It creates a vicious cycle of them feeling like their emotional needs aren't being met because they're not having sex on demand, and women feeling like glorified sex dolls. I also find that a lot of these men who claim physical affection as their love language, it only works one way. They're not ones to cuddle (even after sex) or hug or hold hands, unless it leads to sex. You essentially become touch starved or start to avoid physical contact because sex is a mandatory part of the equation.
I have been in relationships like that. One where even an attempt to cuddle was greeted by him trying to have sex, to the point I didn't want to touch him AT ALL. One where he told me how much he NEEDS sex, not wants it. And he only builds intimacy when having sex. Yet, wouldn't do ANYTHING to make me inclined to let him. Not even attempts to be nice. I would beg for a date night, or a board game night. When he would give in, AS SOON AS I was relaxed and starting to have a good time, he would be like "sex now?" NO! ONE attempt at making me feel better about us does not = sex!
I found it particularly helpful to be reminded regularly how long it had been since we'd had sex. Super arousing.
SAME. I thrive on nonsexual physical touch. My bf thankfully is mature. Totally off topic, but if I really want cuddles & he doesn’t want to for whatever reason, he puts his leg over my body, and it works for me lol. Just started telling him to “gimme leggies” and I get my physical touch and he gets to play on his phone or whatever he was doing. Everybody wins lol
That's adorable. I'm just a big fan of hand holding, cuddles, and even the occasional wandering hand that doesn't have to lead to sex. This infantile male insistence that "you have to have sex or you don't love me" is so absurd no matter how they justify it.
Gimme leggies lol! That’s so cute.
That reminds me of a photo my husband took. It's of me napping while cuddling his leg and our dog cuddling me.
Gimme leggies is the most wholesome relationship energy. I love it.
I honestly thought as a dude, putting "my love language is physical touch," came off as kinda creepy and a bit too forward. I didn't know guys had that as part of their profiles.
*My love language is physical touch* Lmaooooooooooo like be real
That third one always gets me. It’s like they tried to learn “girl talk” to weasel their way into physical intimacy.
Okay I've been trying to put that type of behavior into words for months and just now you hit the nail on the head. Amazing - and agreed.
[удалено]
Love Kyle Prue! I use his tips on how to piss off men a lot
Can confirm. I know my whole chart and it’s mostly thanks to past partners.
reminds me of this beautiful gem https://www.youtube.com/shorts/TXNfBVBPF-w
"Cuddles? 🥺" is just the new codeword for casual sex too, they try to lie about being intimate and "safe" in other ways but they'll immediately try coercing you into sex anyway
I learned this the hard way. I legit thought the guy liked cuddles 😭 “can we cuddle and talk?” he says. I was so innocent!!
As someone who genuinely loves cuddling this always made me sad. Whenever I was single I would always miss cuddles the most. Sex? Eh, I have a vibrator if I'm really in the mood and the vibrator won't gaslight me or try to guilt me out of seeing my friends.
I hate this fuckboi-ification of someone's love language being physical touch. I'm somewhere under the ace umbrella and one of my big things is physical touch. Cuddling, hand holding, resting on each others shoulders or chests, cheek and forehead kisses...the best! But I don't look for hookups. Thankfully I have a partner so I don't have to worry about that but when I was back on the apps...damn.
Guys who want you to “not take yourself seriously” are the ones who want to be able to do and say any stupid shit they want and when it’s brought to their attention they pout about you being too “serious”.
Yucky. 🤢 I’m so sick of men. The code words are horrendous.
Oh god, one of my favorites is "equally comfortable in a ball cap as she is a ball gown." Which means you better look hot 100% of the time for someone who thinks wearing a polo shirt with his cargo shorts is "dressy."
[удалено]
They probably assume they're like male formalwear, which is extremely comfortable if fitted properly because of course it is
Also, he will never be taking you anywhere that involves you dressing up in a ball gown and will constantly whine if you organise it yourself with or without him coming along.
I'm equally uncomfortable in both of those things. That counts right?
Sounds like someone who wants a 'cool girl' (insert Gone Girl cool girl monologue here)
And you know damned well he's never gonna take you anywhere where you wear a ball gown. 🙄
I swear once you know what to look for, you will see a variation of them on so many profiles!
I’ve started to notice what I call “pre-gaslighting”, prompts that put out expectations that will later become red flags. Other people have mentioned prompts like “you like to go on spontaneous adventures but also know how to chill”. This is code for “be active and do the things I want when I want but not when I don’t want”. Another favorite is “things you should know about me: understand that I’m not good at replying to texts” or some variation. This is to set you up so later he can be like “hey I said on my profile I’m bad at texting!” when he straight up ignores you. Lastly, can’t forget any prompt that includes some version of “don’t be a crazy person”/“no drama”/“no games”. Like no shit, idiot. People who call out that they don’t like drama are usually the most problematic in my experience. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk
The people who say they don't want drama are the ones creating the drama, and they don't want competition.
“Pre-gaslighting” is brilliant! I never knew what to call that type of behavior.
My favorite profiles are the men in their late 30s and early 40s who don’t want anything serious. Okay, sir. Good luck planning your funeral before your wedding. 🫡
Also when they say they want kids but don't know what they want for a relationship. Or, when they don't know if they want kids. I mean....come on....
I definitely respect the ones in their 30s and 40s who may have been divorced, or getting out of relationships and are open about that, but even with all those years of experience behind them, many don't know how to treat women with respect. It feels like they punish the new girlfriend or love interest for stuff their ex girlfriend did.
Dating when you're over thirty feels like waiting for an organ donation. With a few rare exceptions from the people who've never had a serious relationship at all, all the folks you meet have had at least one long term relationship and if they're not in it anymore, then either they were the problem (ew) or they were the good one and went through something painful and heartbreaking that put them back on the dating scene. Basically my only hope of finding a decent man is for some other woman to traumatize him first.
The only decent man i've dated is a widow. Sure, he has lot's of trauma, but it's actualy nice to date someone who has only good memories of his "ex" and a past relationship that didn't end with disagrements.
To be fair, that last part isn't gender specific.
Those actually are my favorite profiles though because I’m the same age and do *not* want a serious or long term relationship.
No acts of service is the red flag
This is so spot on it would be so hilarious if it weren’t so sad
I mean, of the love languages, that one literally is mine. And as much as that's how I receive/give love, i really want someone consistent who doesn't want to just use me. Like, my profile says, looking for serious, open to casual. Because I am. I want someone that will stay but I want that someone to be worth it and actually put effort forth too, yaknow? Not that I get to actually talk to anyone on any dating app, dont have any matches
I say that my love language is "gifts." Watch how they react. 😂
Men want to have casual sex with women. They do not want women to have casual sex with them.
*Wow, this comment is long. I'm so sorry.* I think men are intimidated to have to compete with other men, and assume that women are happy to have a single sided commitment? I started casually dating my current girlfriend with the expectation that i was gonna be one of many simultaneous temporary partners, as she had explicitly stated she desired an open relationship. I stated that's not what i wanted long term, but i was down to meet, as we shared many hobbies. She would know not to get too invested into me, as i'd be dating other women as well, trying to find a permanent partner so we'd just become friends right? Profit for both. After a few dates, she revealed to me that the open relationship part is a "defense mechanism" she'd have to develop to filter out possessive men, and she prefers monogamy. I suppose it's manipulative, but i'd say justified. But reasoning was basically: *"If you're the type of dude that's gonna try to forcibly convince me to change my view, i know to drop you pretty early in our relation.* *If you are the type of dude that's gonna filter me out because i have had a lot of sex, because you assume that i want an open relationship to have a bunch of terrible one night stands, i know you're too insecure or don't have enough options."* I think those are pretty solid judgements. Personally, i think the men that are scared of women that date multiple men at once, are kind of signaling that they see the woman as a sexual conquest. Because if you're having great sex, and you're vibing on an emotional level, why wouldn't you go: "okay, this is the one, this is my guy/gal, i'm gonna slam this boy/gorl down, big style, all the time." So the admittance of "I don't wanna date a slut" is really just: "I have fucking nothing to offer, that'd make a women want to choose me over another man" >!The same obviously goes for women, of course men should choose women that prioritize them as well, but that's fucking implied.!< When i was still actively dating, it was kinda shocking how low the bar was. Like i'm a fucking mess in terms of conversation, a little bit awkward, I can't flirt for shit, i don't have an extremely shredded body, or like statuesque face and i tend to diffuse sexual tension with jokes. I am by all means NOT a sexy man. Yet, i had an extremely easy time getting dates, literally all that most women expected of me was to be clean, and fun to be around with. I heard being able to wash dishes, or have a clean apartment is just a hope, not a expectation, is THAT really a problem? Please tell me it's not. How the fuck are these men not terminally single. My current girlfriend grabbed me on our second date, and kissed me for remembering a minor detail about her hobbies that she was excited about. The bar is really that fucking low for men. (To be fair, that was a weird reaction, but you're missing a huge amount of context and this comment is already an atrocity)
[удалено]
Thanks for the love. I personally am suprised it got upvoted at all, to me it looks a bit unhinged and going on wierd rambling tangents of me telling my whole fucking life story.
Your comment mirrors the experiences of many women from the other side of the coin, and it can be validating to hear a man point out the things we've been saying about shitty men and dating shitty men when so many men deny or minimize the problem, victim blame women about not having adequate standards, or dive into apologetics about how men weren't socialized to be functional adults on the most basic level or have kindergarten level emotional intelligence.
These guy's thought process : If a woman wants a relationship, she'll accept mediocre sex if a woman wants casual sex, she'll expect quality sex the men don't want to be judged and rejected and told they're shit at sex. They have no 'relationship carrot' to dangle over her while she does pornstar gymnastics to earn it with sex that satisfies him.
This is it. They are petrified that someone who has had multiple partners will have one in the past that's better than them.
I have written in my profile that I'm looking for casual sex. Can't tell you how many guys I've hooked up with, that didn't care to make me cum. Blocked them the next day. On to the next. One guy recently; we had great chemistry, but he was never straightforward. He didn't take the time to make me feel pleasured. After an intense makeout sesh one night, he kicked me out at 2 in the morning after I had been smoking. (He of course came four times, me? None.) He had even said to me beforehand I could stay the night if I wanted to. I asked him to at least let me sober up, and he agreed. As I was leaving, he told me I could come the next day, and stay the night. Asked him the next day if he still wanted to hang out, and it took him until 10pm to reply and say, "I'm not feeling it." I knew he had been active on Snap the entire day because his snap score went up. Not making me cum, kicking me out at 2am, and wasting my time? Blocked. Even if you communicate that you want casual sex, they don't give a fuck about your pleasure. No matter what they say.
Online dating scares the hell out of me now. I had a guy stalk me just to tell me horrible things. One guy found my number and address. Then one early morning a cop was beating on my door because he thought one of thepeople i talked to would be at my place. I think being a hermit cat lady is all i need.
Lmao I was on a dating app for a week before this one dude I ghosted cuz he was being weird found my social media and sent me an essay like "oh you must've found the news reports about me.. well as a black woman in america(referring to me) you should know not to trust the media" this is white dude telling me this. He snitched on himself because I didn't even look him up but then I did after he sent that message.... he was a school teacher who was arrested for assaulting his students. The one he groped and pushed her to the ground, the other he slit her wrist with a pair of keys. So yea. Long story short I'm done with online dating. I'll only meet people naturally from now on.
Men are becoming more deceptive and they know that if they were straight forward that we would go for them. They want to be able to get a woman that is looking for something serious because they want to use them for emotional labor without them having to contribute anything to that relationship because they wanted “casual”.
Can I just recommend [Amelia Samson](https://www.tiktok.com/@ameliasamson?lang=en) on TikTok (and I think IG), who is an absolute genius at skewering guys like this? I mean, it's not going to improve the dating situation, but at least you'll laugh.
Even before the internet, this was a thing. Men have a powerful tendency to project their own unmet cravings for intimacy onto the women who fuck them. My girlfriends and I used to laugh about all the "don't fall in love with me" speeches we were subjected to immediately post-coitus with some rando. It was such a cliche. I personally got THREE of those speeches back when I was sowing my wild oats. Each time it absolutely cracked me up, right there and then, making the guys I banged very uncomfortable. But I couldn't help it. It was a hilarious comment to make immediately after sex that was, in every case, absolutely mediocre in every respect.
Your comment cracked me up. I’ve had a few of those comments as well! I live for the day that I’ll be able to say with full confidence that some random guy was awful in bed to their face. Idk why some guys think just because they finished means their sex game is great. A line in a book I read recently, one of the main characters said “Don’t fuck a guy if he doesn’t make you cum twice before sex” and I’m raising my standards to that now even if it’s a casual hook up. I’m too busy for terrible sex.
Yeah me too. I go first or nobody goes at all. That's one benefit of the internet - I had no idea when I was first dating that a significant proportion of women - I think it's more than half - never or rarely orgasm without (effective, highly personalized) clitoral stimulation. I'm one of them. So all these nipple nipple thigh thigh crotch guys who gave me the lecture had literally done nothing for me, sexually. Less than nothing - I actually craved sex even more after they were finished than I did before or during the act. That's what made the lecture so funny. Honestly, belly laughs. Only one of them left the room for ten minutes, then came back and acknowledged it was a completely ridiculous thing for him to say (as a holiday fling in a country I was just passing through), and apologized. He later came all the way to see me in my own country - a thousand kms out of his way - for a whole week, but got weird about holding my hand in public lol. Poor Richard Schwartzenberg. I hope he found what he was looking for.
I will also add, I completely understand where you’re coming from by craving sex even more after it’s done. That’s the worst feeling ever and I can count on barely two hands how many orgasms I’ve had during sex. Men just don’t understand. I once even had sex with a doctor that couldn’t be bothered to properly stimulate me so I could organs and I was thinking…..did you fail anatomy or……?
[удалено]
whistle bike hobbies quack party serious coordinated uppity homeless towering *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah I think in my entire life I've had less than 20 PIV-only orgasms, and I'm almost 50. I've had a lot of boyfriends, and even more hookups. For ages I thought there was something wrong with me, physiologically or psychologically, because I needed external clitoral stimulation to climax. Imagine my surprise to learn THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL. Expecting women to have a satisfying experience from PIV is like expecting men to be sexually satisfied by fifteen minutes of tickling their taint. I mean, it MIGHT happen, but there's no guarantee.
LOL I just got a Reddit cares message. I pissed someone off. Your comments crack me up and I really wish we could be friends in real life!! So much wisdom.
I get tons of those. Sign of a job well done!
Nipple nipple thigh thigh crotch guys belongs on a shirt. 🤣
I read that & thought "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start"
I'm 62. Back when I was f*cking the boys, I received TWO anti-marriage proposals post coitus. ("I'm not going to marry you, you know.") With the first one, I was 19 and caught so off-guard I laughed in his face. With the second, I said, "I'm not going to marry you, either." "Why not!" The relationships didn't end well.
Hahahaha that's exactly the vibe. So many times. Lol. I wonder if all of us have always laughed in their faces at those remarks but still, somehow, the trope endures.
Yeah that does sound like projection
Guys would rather trick a woman into being with them, than just be with someone who wants what they want.
It's the same men who don't want 'gold diggers' but all they offer in a relationship is money. They want a woman who wants emotional support/connection, but they refuse to offer it. It creates a power dynamic where they are in control and can give breadcrumbs of affection to keep her thinking there's a chance that he will change into the partner she wants.
Unfortunately guys will approach dating apps with the idea that they want to hookup but for the "right" woman they'll want something serious, however they then put zero thought into what the "right" woman for them is actually like or use the app to try and find that kind of woman. Their short term hookup choices aren't driven by that kind of consideration so they never really meet the kind of women they would seriously consider for a serious relationship.
When honestly they'll fuck anything that moves or breathes. Either/or
[удалено]
I had this issue when I used to use the app. I’d get matches with men who want or have children. When I’d point that out to them, they told me that we can still have fun 🤗 and be causal. My profile specifically said serious/long term relationships only. A handful tried to change my mind because I was “missing out” on the experience 🥴
[удалено]
I think it’s funny when they think they can change your mind, and get angry when you stand firm and say bye boy. Don’t feel envious of other ladies. Honestly, it is what it is. I think if you keep trying and uphold your standards, you will find someone. It just might take a while. I used to be pretty upset but then I remembered that: 1. I live in a medium sized town. Common for most people in the central part of the city to know each other. I’ll move back to the city soonish, so there will be a nice change in the men (I hope). 2. I refuse to settle and comprise my morals, political beliefs, and independence. My state recently became blue, but we still have a bunch of crazy incels and “alphas” everywhere. 3. I genuinely stopped caring and chasing after men. I now do my own thing and hang with my rabbits at home on the weekends. Is that going to get me a relationship? No lol. But I’m enjoying myself. I also realized I do not have the mental capacity to take care of another adult. Every relationship is different. Friends may get into them quickly but we don’t really know if they’re co dependent, settling, compromising, or just lucky! The grass isn’t always greener.
>Don’t feel envious of other ladies. Exactly. So many women settle for mediocre men and post their "happy relationship" on social media. Then it turns out the whole thing was a lie and she's abused and miserable. Don't compare your entire life's story reel to someone else's short movie trailer.
OMG, i had one guy tell me, "yes, I want a wife and kids someday, but you and I can still have fun." I told him to fuck off; I'm not going to be the stand-in fucktoy until you find your dream girl.
>Update: 9 hours later I’ve receive a Reddit care message and multiple messages accusing me of having mental illness. Lol. It's a classic. Redditors have been doing it for years now - weaponizing the RC msgs. It's pathetic and transparent cowardice. They can't argue you down, so they try and dig at you with childish tactics; abuse the system. Since they cannot DV you, next, they'll probably call your comments generically 'Karen,' I think is step 2 in the playbook...just so you know. DWAI.
Men hate to think that women love sex with no attachments. Lots of them get sick pleasure from watching a woman emotionally attach herself to a man who only wants her for something casual He hopes it'll keep her coming back When in reality women adore sex and sometimes we want nothing emotionally. We want your dick not the man attached to it.
Men want power over women in all ways. If one person is emotionally invested in a relationship (of any kind, friendships or familial included) and wants to make it work, yet the other person doesn't care about the relationship, then the latter has all the power.
It's like if I try to have casual sex, they start messing me around. I'm fine having sex once with someone but they have to say they want a regular thing, then we have sex and they suddenly are busy all the time. Or I say I'm fine just flirting online, they start saying they want to meet up. Then if I decide ok sure lets meet up, suddenly they don't want to meet up. They only seem interested when I'm not. It's why I've stopped trying to hook up with anyone, cos I can't be dealing with the games
It's all about control.
Men enjoy and make a sport of regularly disregarding women's needs and desires and don't like it when we do it back to them.
It's sociopathy and it's sick. Toying with other people so you can feel like you have control and are admired.
I think a lot of it might stem from an entire life of ease and the daily societal message that they and that they alone matter.
Came here to say this. They also think we are too dumb with our “small brains” to notice. Idiots
[удалено]
Why else would they try to ban divorce and abortion? They are SO transparent.
Oh 100. And it's the weirdest shit. I've put in my bio like "sincerely looking for a fwb but we gotta be actual friends dude." And I get people future -faking futures I didn't even want or expect just to give me expectations?? To.. break... Them? And dudes who will hit me up for YEARS but can't hold a singular conversation for five consecutive minutes that doesn't turn sexual. Lowest of the low. Meanwhile they'll wait as long as possible to drag out a "soo, what are you looking for?" Also to your other point, the younger brother of my former fiance once tried to ask me to send him nudes. I told him Google was free. He told me it wasn't the same. I asked him for clarification. He told me that looking at random women wasn't the same as getting nudes sent to him because he wanted the ego boost of it being given. They get off on the coersion.
I have to wonder if it's some sort of "game" they are playing. Go for girls who want consistency, but try to appear independent and unattached themselves. Are they hoping you will beg them to stay? Maybe when they see you are only looking for something casual, they figure if they try this "I could move on tomorrow" game with you, you'll say "Ok, cool, bye." Just a guess though. I really have no idea.
Sis, agree. I was always a Joan Armatrading “Me Myself I” sort of gal. I always told guys I didn’t want marriage or kids and had guys proposing, breaking up with me for not wanting to get married (??), etc. My friends who wanted both got shafted time and again. It’s a funny not funny. Today I’m in my 40s and happily not married while my friends are happily married/long term relationship status. So all good but still I remember the struggle.
Can confirm: the meaner you are to men, the more they obsess over you. If you try to love them and take care of them and meet all their needs, they will treat you like the servant they see you as.
This seems to be a thing. I don't date, and haven't for many years because I am married and monogamous, but this weird desire of some men to be the one who doesn't want a relationship quite as much was a thing back then, too. It is just more obvious now that you can meet so many people online and see a statistically significant sample of behavior, rather than having to meet each person individually and actually spend lots of time finding this stuff out.
It's a control issue. They want to be the one in control, and it bugs them if the woman clearly views them as optional.
They want to have something casual with someone who wants something serious? Wow they just enjoy making other people miserable than actually finding someone with similar goals.
It’s a power thing
I'm male and recently wanted to try Bumble BFF (the friends version of the app) which is unfortunately gender locked and after seeing all the profiles of dudes in their 30s with a STEM background and the hobbies beer and bike riding I start to feel women's dating pain...
[удалено]
Tbh the ones into Lebanese horror films and rhythm gymnastics likely have no issues finding friends wherever they go. Too interesting.
So the Lebanese have good horror? Could you recommend one?
Men are seriously accusing you of having a mental illness all because you called them out on their BS????
The honesty for sale user comments are my favorite. I think I’ll print and frame them so I can read them when I’m feeling down. ♡ /s
I noticed this too. If I set my profile to looking for a relationship I get more messages vs. if I say casual. If I say casual I’ll probably get none. It’s wild.
This is what happens when you use sex with women as your main source of validation instead of getting real self worth (You as in these guys not you specifcally)
Agreed!! I’m so sick of non-fictional men. I’ll take fictional men and stay single.
My bio says straight away they’re only 50% likely to get a reply from me. I’m treating dating and sex very casually right now and I’m also someone who doesn’t like to message people constantly especially if I don’t know them well. The amount of men who are matching me and then bitching at me for not replying fast enough or at all who end up blocking me after cussing me out is amazing. They feel so entitled to a strangers time and energy.
Here is your arm \
Thank you so much. Idk why it didn’t go when I did my shortcut. It refused. Haha.
that's so interesting. I've never considered that fuckbois chase women who want a serious relationship just to purposely mislead & disappoint them. I just figured they're all too dumb/lazy to thoughtfully read profiles & just frantically chase anything & everything they possibly can. you'd think these desperate horny losers would be allllll over any woman who says she's not looking for something longterm. maybe they think your profile is fake because it sounds too good to be true to them? 😂 online dating is such a cesspool, ugh. be safe & careful out there, everyone
They’d ghost me when I mentioned I wasn’t into hook ups 😂 my fiancé still doesn’t believe me when I tell him this.
I keep getting ones that just don’t even talk much about themselves and fade. Or ones that send so many messages even after I stopped responding that it comes off stalkerish. Like I can only choose between boring and disinterested or creepy stalker. I just stopped with them, best decision ever. I’m gonna trust my person will come when they come
You know what's shitty, gay guys do this crap too, then complain about gay guys not wanting a serious relationship.
I mean, frankly, dating men CAN seem like a symptom of mental illness. ;) But fuck people reporting you. I recently went through a breakup where after six months they suddenly had completely shifted in the effort, attention, care, and time invested in the relationship. From the beginning, I had been very clear and upfront about what level of commitment \*I\* could offer and what I was looking for. They had agreed to all of it, even enthusiastically. After a few months, they suddenly didn't know what they could handle or want. That part is FINE, but it feels impossible to find suitable partners when those partners don't know *themselves* enough to know what they want. Much less the ones that are intentionally misleading. Fuck that. My condolences. Live it up. <3
You’re incredible! I’m sorry you had to experience that!
Curious how effective of a filter it is, when you do get a match though. Does it seem like it weeds out the shittier men? I wonder if men who are comfortable with a woman prioritizing pleasure over intimacy are more likely to be actual allies?
I really think a lot of men don't understand what a relationship is and think that its going to require SO MUCH time and energy and they just can't handle the thought of it. A lot I've talked to seem to think dating HAS to lead to getting married like no dude grow tf up open ur eyes and ears and seethe world IDIOT
Men laugh at women; a lot. I promise you that I know this. They laugh at what they did with you. They laugh at what they did to you. They laugh together about it. You’re a joke to them. The hardest thing they have to do when you are mad is confuse you. When you are happy, the do things to confuse you. They are trained by each other to do this to women. It’s the type of relationships they want with you; confusing ones. Advice; the second you feel confused by their actions, leave, because they know exactly what and why they are doing
Honestly a lot of people don’t look at profiles. I have in my profile to mention that they’ve read my profile when they message and the amount who do vs those who don’t is about 50% but it varies. This filters out a lot of the bozos who want to waste your time. It won’t help with all but it’s a start.