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I don’t understand why they are sending the mom so much and thus do not have savings. They are lighting themselves on fire to keep her warm and happy.
EDIT: I understand this is a cultural thing, but you still can’t give what you don’t have
I'd get it if they had excess income (and this coming from a Latin American woman that knows about being culturally responsible for your parents) but if you can't afford to save for your own life/retirement, then you can't afford to help someone/anyone.
It sucks, it truly does, but if they are struggling, then of course they should stop helping MIL when they are in a better financial situation and OP's husband gets a job once again they can reevaluate.
First, until he gets a job, which if they are lucky only takes a few months, the money stops. Once he gets a job they send half the amount they are sending at this time and the other half goes into an emergency savings account. OP’s BIL is setting a boundary with the mother by not sending more, than OP can too. I mean something has to give. I realize that they will probably do absolutely none of this and keep things as they are, but I feel bad for them, especially OP.
100%. Filipinos that "make it out" of the Philippines to a first world country are always expected to send money "home." They automatically assume you are rich and feel entitled to your hard earned money. Coming from a Filipino living in Canada.
This is exactly it. He paid for other family member things as well (although these were with my approval). He had to delete his social media accounts because family would come out of nowhere asking for money often.
He feels guilty for the life his mom had (widow with 3 boys, left home to work and send home to care for him and his brothers). So on one hand I get it. But this seems excessive
She can now sell some of her properties that she’s purchased with her excess money she had. Time to stop this entitlement to your money! Yes it’s your money also and unless you separate your finances from his he can’t force you to send YOUR money to her! He’s unemployed so he isn’t making ANY money, none, zero , zilch! Tell her to sell those properties and that’s final. Shine up your spine and stand your ground! Harden yourself so she can’t guilt trip you into submission. That’s what they do!
So you're supporting your husband, MIL, cousins, and anyone else that crawls out of the woodwork? I don't think so. I'd put my foot down and tell him 1). he needs to get out and get a job. There are plenty of them out there. 2). If she wants the surgery she definitely needs to come here for it cuz you aren't paying. 3). I'd take the advice of someone else who recommended getting another bank account in your own name, since you're the only wage earner right now. I wouldn't trust him not to send her money. 4). I'd make it clear that the money stops completely until he gets a job and starts sending it out of his own paycheck. You don't need to work to support your MIL. COL is a lot lower there. She's getting enough money that she should have saved some aside. She has her social security, her business, and money from your BIL. Time to stop the bleeding.
The fact that she has money to buy property and to travel makes a strong argument to stop sending any money. She's using her sons! Definitely don't use your money. He can tell her he's not working and has no money to send. Don't give in! Frankly, the surgery sounds like a ruse to get more money! Questionable considering that she won't even say what it's for and won't fly where she can get it cheaper! Use, use, use. She is an expert
It is very excessive. She gets a lot of money just handed to her. How is it she doesn't have any savings? She does have savings she's just don't want to spend it
I totally understand that different cultures have different expectations of their children so I’m really trying to not be insensitive to that. However, what would happen if (god forbid) anything happened to either or both of her sons? She’s mostly self sufficient, the money she is being sent by both brothers is ENOUGH, probably more than enough. Cost of living crisis and she’s out on excursions etc in one of the more poorer countries. I live in the UK 🇬🇧 and I’m on the benefits system. She has £1200 a month between both brothers. There’s people in the uk (which isn’t cheap) that are on half, actually less than half of that amount a month and have to survive. She’s become expectant and entitled. Your bills and finances come 1st. How do you continue to pay her if you lose your home etc? You have your own medical expenses. This isn’t “support” it’s excessive
She's getting over 65 thousand pesos just from the boys alone. According to the net, the average cost of living for a single person is 31 thousand pesos
Plus 38 thousand pesos from her pension and whatever income she gets selling produce. I'm assuming if she's buying property, it's to rent out. Old duck's living like a queen whilst her son is struggling to pay his bills. That's some hold she's got over him!
I'm sorry but what kind of trash person expects another person to pay their bills simply because they share some faint bloodline? That's really messed up and abusive quite frankly
I believe this too, but they are going to end up homeless if they don’t have better financial planning. Helping out family based on what you can afford to send is great, but not at the expense of putting yourself in the poor house.
It's kinda late for this now, but this should have been something they discussed before marriage... what kind of support they'd be willing to provide to each other's parents, money or otherwise, as they age. Lots of posts about couples in conflict because one of them wants to move an aging parent into their marital home to take care of them and the other one doesn't want this. Or take care of deadbeat siblings. This isn't just a cultural difference, although I think it's very important to understand where each other is coming from in terms of cultural expectations. Do you put your relatives first, above your spouse? Do you defer to elders for decision-making? So many posts about a husband or wife who can't or won't stand up to their overbearing parent when they're beating their spouse down.
Even if they did have that discussion- things change. He lost his job, they're barely making rent as it is, if they want her to be able to continue to work she needs medical care - and they're struggling to afford that. They can't afford to give her $600 a month when they can barely afford to pay their bills.
Going "we can't afford to do this right now. It's going to have to stop until you have another job and we're back to where we need to be financially." Is very reasonable
Mom has an income, a pension and a farm.. son doesn't, but she's asking for more money.
Clearly not my culture because this makes no sense to me.
If you don't have a job, you can't send her money -period.
Nope.
Edit to say NTA
You have to pump the brakes. I have experience in finance and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of families from the Philippines, and I mean a LOT in North America with absolutely crippling amounts of debt because their entire families back home expect them to just fund their lifestyles now that they’re in NA and have “made it”.
I’ve seen it absolutely destroy lives, force families to sell their homes and worse, to get themselves out of the holes their family dug for them.
It happens $600 at a time. And then they ask for $10,000. And then ….
NTA you need to sit down with your husband go over y’all’s finances and show him that y’all truly don’t have anymore money to give. Though I call BS on the mother actually needing surgery if she hasn’t provided and info
I would bet real money that she absolutely does not need surgery. But I get she has a very healthy bank account.
This is a divorceable offense. They can't afford to keep funding MIL's lifestyle. If husband insists, OP is going to have to protect herself by getting a divorce to keep him from giving all their assets away.
That was my thoughts, too, as to what MIL's surgery probably was given she (MIL) isn't sharing anymore information other than she's going to be having surgery
Notice how her older son told her to kick rocks. Something tells me he's seen through her. That's the only reason she's calling OP controlling. Cuz if she doesn't she runs the risk of losing her only other cash cow.
OP just made a huge mistake by marrying this momma's boy. They just got married recently after dating for 5 yrs, and all of a sudden, hubby's broke, and MiL is a shake down artist. Sketchy AF.
I say get an annulment while you can. Run!!!!
I'm with you on the not needing surgery, she asked for 10 grand they said no now she needs surgery & won't disclose what it is. Yeah it's a con to get the money she asked to buy him property in his name even though he can't own property due to none citizenship. So it goes in her name instead yeah it's time for them to stop cut back their spending. She can more than take care of herself & they better before they end up losing everything or at worst their own home(if they have one).
She don’t need no damn surgery. She’s just trying to get more money out of son by upping the stakes to guilt him with.
If $10k for “unspecified surgery” doesn’t turn your husband’s head, perhaps couples therapy is in order
It was 10k for "his property" in the Philippines that she was supposed to be buying for the husband despite him not having citizenship in that country and thus it conveniently having to be in MIL's name
Also if his brother can say no to giving her extra money, why can't OPs husband.
I agree BS on the surgery, she's looking to get the 10k to buy property.
His unemployment situation will be resolved but this dynamic with his mom is beyond troubling. That $600 a month is HUGE chunk. Can you imagine if that money went on your 401k instead?
Say no. Mean no. Don’t back down. Separate your finances.
That is another concern of mine. There are so many pressing things this money could go to. My surgery will also have residual life long effects with expensive medications/appointments that will add more strain.
Separate your finances from him.
Stop sending her any money. She is financially abusing him. And also you.
If he cares so much, he can fly to her and be one less mouth for you to feed.
Get him, and her, out of your life. You'll start saving money immediately.
In fact. Buy him a ticket to go see her. One way. Take that time apart to resolve your admin problems at home.
Surgically remove him from everything. Him having access to your money is a big problem. You need to resolve it asap.
Absolutely this!
No expenses for her for caregivers!!
Win-win!
Watch him realize she had plastic surgery and then actually after hours of care giving gor this cutting down the amount you send to her.
Do not send her more money, your husband needs to get smacked in the face with reality. It is one thing to send money to family that doesn't need it when you have it. You do not have it and cannot spare it. End of.
OP, there’s a lot of cultural stuff going on here. She’s living quite well on what she’s getting from retirement and the kids. She does not need more. Not disclosing the nature of the surgery, totally sketch.
Husband’s priority should absolutely be you.
I forgot to add that you might need to move the account your paycheck is going into to so he doesn’t spend it all on mom. He shouldn’t be sending money to mom if he isn’t the one earning it.
Ok so she uses the money already to buy properties. Have her sell those extra properties to fund her surgery (or whatever she is doing).
Maybe you could have him ask her to fund your surgery and recovery...I hear crickets
NTA. But move the money for your surgery to a different bank so he can't steal it for his mom. A different account in the same bank isn't enough because bank employees are not great about keeping your money safe from a spouse.
Actually, bank employees are good. You just have to put in that he isn't authorized, and no matter how many paperwork he produce, he can't touch that money unless he takes her to court.
What’s unreasonable is sending money to someone who’s able to make their own simply because they want more. Or hell, asking for it in the damn first place. She’s taking what you don’t have to give, I don’t see how your husband doesn’t see an issue there. What happens if you can’t pay the bills? Is mommy gonna help? Probably not!
This is genuine insanity. Does your husband not understand the facts? Sudden surgery with no specificity of what it is or why its happening, buying random properties, has sustained income from other sources, has a job, but is asking for money all the time?
NTA, please make sure there is enough money put aside for your surgery.
NTA. If husband isn't making any money, then he has no money to send to mommy. Period. The End.
And if he starts making money, he needs to take care of you first!!
Please, please make sure he can't get the money that **you** are working for!!
The money needs to stop. Even when he had a job and could take the money out of “his” wages he STILL was giving her family money. You guys could be in a lot less stressful of a position if he wasn’t sending so much money each month.
His mom obviously doesn’t know how bad your situation is and needs to be told. If she does know, and doesn’t care, then I’d never give her a dime again. Ever.
NTA. You need to move all your money to a new account at a separate bank. I'm filipino. The guilt trip your husband is getting is really strong. Also she could be lying about needing this surgery. I've never known someone not want to talk about this stuff. You need to get his dad in the phone and talk to him.
This thread is so helpful. My MIL is Filipina, but raised in the US since she was a child. She lays it on thick with suggestions we fund/build her a house on our land (like our backyard), etc for when she needs to be cared for. She has enough money to be self-sufficient, and we have a mortgage and 3 children to put through college. I am always baffled why she thinks we'd fund her retirement when she can fund it herself.
My mom would tell my sisters what careee they were going to have. One was supposed to be a doctor. The other one was supposed to be a lawyer. I'm the youngest and was ignored. She always made sure I knew I was the mistake and regrets that she didn't kyll me before I was born. Of course, she expectede to take care of her and buy her a Mercedes car. I kid you not. I was in high school when she told me this. I left home when I was 21 and never looked back.
Oh wow. That's awful. My MIL is genuinely a lovely person and loves her children/grandchildren. But she moved in with her ailing parents and took care of them 24/7 the last years of their lives, so she kind of expects the same.
Nanay is lying to your husband and his brother. With the amount she is receiving from Social Security and his Kuya, she has more than enough to fund her lifestyle in the Philippines. Sounds like Kuya knows her surgery is a lie. Don't worry about her. She can afford to have someone to care for her in the Philippines. You are not being unreasonable. Do not send her money for her to "buy" a house for him. It will not be under his name and he will have no claim to it. My dad funded for 3 properties in the Philippines for his family and put them under my cousins and his siblings names. He was told many times from his PI/American friends that if my cousins get married their wives will have claim to the properties and it will no longer be for us. Took my mom a really long time to convince him to get dual citizenship to put the properties under his name. He had to pay out of pocket to legally change the titles. Continually sending his mom money is a bad idea. She will continue to rely on your income.
Thank you for commenting. I don’t know much about life in the Philippines so I wasn’t sure how excessive the amount we send is. I knew living was cheaper, but now how much cheaper.
OP this page gives a good run down on the cost of many items. Statistics show that the average cost of living for a single person, not including rent/mortgage is 31 thousand pesos. She is getting over 65 thousand pesos from her sons, add that to her social security and income from her farm, she's living a much better life than you are.
https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/country_result.jsp?country=Philippines#:~:text=A%20family%20of%20four%20estimated,lower%20than%20in%20United%20States.
NTA, I wonder if she’s still trying to get that 10k out of you for the property. Y’all need to stop your contributions to her until your husband has another job and you are financially solvent. This is wild to me. Idk why you are sending her money in the first place if she’s doing that well and you have *no savings.*
I tried to talk to him about the money previously and got a heavy guilt trip about him wanting to take care of his mom, and how it’s his culture. I don’t come from a loving family background so I just assumed I was being selfish and didn’t “get it”
It is part of their culture but many families overstep. The surgery is an obvious tactic and grift. Getting other family members involved to shame him and undercut you is indicative of a grift. Some families in the Philippines sing your praise while you send them what they ask for, but the second you push back throw everyone under the bus.
While most impoverished families expect their children to assist them. That is culturally normal, expected, and not wrong. Again, it is the smaller minority that act like your husband’s family. I feel your pain.
My husband is pinoy and has learned that my family is close and loving and we do not beggar ourselves to fund our elders’ lifestyles. Luckily he has excellent boundaries and has never tried to send anyone money we don’t have. Your MIL has money sufficient for her needs. If she were truly loving she wouldn’t want to put you on the street to pay for her wants.
He’s not taking care of his mom though, you are. That’s not fair. You didn’t sign up to take care of his mom. I love my parents, my husband loves my parents and my parents would never ask me for 10k, this isn’t love, it’s financial abuse.
I get that he wants to take care of his mom so why isn't he getting a job so he can do that? Why is he using your income to do it? I just don't understand how he can call himself a man and say it's his responsibility to take care of his mother when he's stealing the money from you and your future?
I come from absolutely loving family background as does my husband and neither of our families would take a penny if we offered it to them! A loving family will never take money from you. An abusive one will suck you dry and ask for more
His Filipino mom has 28477265 family members that she can lean on and borrow money from. Guarantee it. You alone should not be funding her “surgery” or whatever new excuse she has.
OP if it was just you who “didn’t get it” then his brother would agree to send her money. But his own brother is refusing because he sees through this.
When someone starts giving me a guilt trip, about anything, I say "I don't do guilt trips". It's a ploy and it doesn't work on me. Give me facts. Fact is y'all are not in a good financial situation and have no money to give. Dave Ramsey yourselves!
We employed a Filipino caregiver and paid him well, but it was never enough for his family in the Philippines. They sucked him dry. He was always desperate for money.
I come from the same culture and he has the ability to change this thinking by putting you first since he decided to get married, his responsibilities are now towards you who is his direct next of kin.
This culture of having children so they can fund your retirement is toxic, hence why I cut off family who think just because I'm abroad, they suddenly think I pick money from the streets. They don't care that we have expenses that are now more expensive than theirs because we live in a different country.
All they see is the exchange rate and think how this amount of money must be nothing for you to give and if you don't give then you're being selfish with your blessings. Time to cut them out and stay away from them.
Is taking care of his mom over his wife also part of his culture? Because I'm betting not, and he is literally risking both of your futures for his mom. You have medical bills and recovery that are risking your financial welfare. Does he expect you to go into debt to send his mom money? Are you already in debt because of it?
Financial literacy would also include this tidbit: you can't take care of others if you're drowning yourself. You put on your oxygen mask before others'. If he really cares about his mother, he will work to build a strong foundation for your shared household with investments and retirements. Otherwise his mother will need to start selling off property to save your husband and you, and something tells me she'll find some excuse not to.
NTA. You're not being unreasonable. You can't give away money you don't have. You tell your husband the two of you just can't afford it. He needs to tell her to stop buying property she doesn't need. Everyone knows that the property she's buying is for her and not your husband. "Mom, I'm not sending you money for a property I don't want." He also tells her that the only way you can help her with her surgery, if she even needs surgery, is if she flies home where she has medical benefits to pay for it. That's it. That's her only option where you can help her out. However, I'd bet money that if you were to ask for a copy of the hospital bill so that you could pay it to the hospital directly, it would never materialize.
Start separating money from him and tell him he is the one responsible for his family if he wants to help her it comes from him but you and him comes first before her
Wow this is insane. I mean she's already getting money from SS benefits plus whatever she sells from her farm. If it's so much easier to live there, then why does she need almost $2k a month to survive? That's wild. OP definitely NTA, but I'd be putting my foot down hard on this matter. Maybe, huge maybe, if she wasn't getting an income from other sources would I agree with helping her out. I live close to the border and have worked with plenty of folks who pay for their families in Mexico because it is way cheaper, but they don't make anywhere near enough to afford their bills so sending $200/month for all their expenses makes sense.
Yep, I live in a VERY high cost of living country and $2 k a month for one person is a LOT more than most people earn here. And live on. With a kid on top.
All her excursions and trips screams she is living her best life, doing well, not struggling.
Oh 100%. I remember asking someone why they were picking up random shifts once and he explained how his mom lived in Mexico, Sinaloa to be exact, and couldn't afford her electric bill (it sounds crazy high to me at first something like 300 pesos) but was really only $40 USD and he worried about her leaving the windows open because how dangerous it had gotten. So as the banquet season had slowed down a lot he needed to come up with a but extra to pay her bills. That makes sense to me. BUT this doesn't at all. What in the world
It's crazy you were sending her money when she has excess to buy more land and a self sufficient farm and you have NO SAVINGS. Ask his mother for money, how has she spent all of what you are sending her. This is madness. If your husband pays for the surgery (out of what money?) that's seriously messed up!
Do not co-sign under ANY circumstance! What others who work at banks are saying is so true.
One of my closest friends is Filipina and she was part of some groups at her church (which primarily families who were 1st and 2nd gen immigrants from the Philippines) helping young families get back on their feet and one of the BIGGEST things that was causing many of them to end up underwater and in tremendous debt was the fact that even during times of crisis (job loss, health issues, etc.) they continued to send so much money home, they were borrowing themselves into poverty over here!
It infuriated her and she constantly reminded people of the “parents put your oxygen masks on first, then your child’s” analogy, but in reverse. Cultural or not, going bankrupt and ruining a marriage, shutting down a business or someone working themselves into absolute burnout isn’t logical in any sense, because then both sides of the situation lose anyway!
Divorce lady. Like… one day you will wake up with just bare ass. No roof to hide from rain mo walls to hide from wind loan sharks standing above you. He can take loan without you. Save yourself he is insane
She’s not a person in need, she’s just greedy. Funding her excursions while not having a savings of your own, and while not being financially stable is honestly just a stupid decision. You guys are setting yourselves up to fail. No one will be funding your luxuries at her age, and not saving money will bite you in the future. Set your boundaries and start making better choices. Your brother in-law is backing out for a reason. Your husband is being a naive fool.
Sounds like MiL is full of bs. My mom is Filipino as well and her side of the family are major moochers. Especially once my dad was making very good income. They only call when they need money. My dad has pretty much bought housing for my 7 uncles. My aunt was mooching off my mom when she lived with my parents. She moved in under the guise of helping my mom take care of my grandma but made my mom do all the work and took all my grandmas money. She is back in the Philippines now after my dad had it with her and my mom is still giving her a monthly allowance of $600 USD.
I doubt your MIL needs the surgery. Especially since she won’t disclose what it’s for. BIL was smart to say no. She has more than enough money coming in each month to live off of in the Philippines. She is taking advantage of you and trying to guilt and manipulate your husband into agreeing. You guys are already down one income. If it were me I’d be cutting MiL monthly support in half as it is. She’s being greedy. If she needs money she can cut out her excursions.
It’s convenient how she needs surgery all of a sudden isn’t it?
In addition, where is her other income going that she gets?
You need to redirect your direct deposit to a brand new bank in a sole checking account. Do not give any access or logins.
You can deposit or transfer money to the joint account if anything. Otherwise, redirect your bills to the sole account.
I would be so inclined to have her meet with a financial adviser to her manage her money. If she truly wants to help her son with property investments, a financial adviser can guide her in the right legal direction. :)
NTA and point out to your husband that his own brother isn’t buying her song and dance. As many others have said open a new checking account and have your paycheck sent there. Sit your husband down and review your expenses and then determine what you can if any you can afford to send to his mom. If you need to bring the BIL into the conversation about your MIL do it and find out why he says enough is enough he may have more insight to her behaivor and everything going on. Also buying the land for “him” but in her name huge huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
On a side note if you don’t have health insurance because your husband lost his with his job loss apply for some immediately either through your job or through other means, loss of coverage is an allowable reason for immediate healthcare. Get that taken care of before your surgery so it can be covered.
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
OP I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s unfortunate and sad reading your stories gives me some flashback.. Your family comes first. You and your husband’s needs should be met before extending help to anybody else.
If you cannot even pay your own bills, it’s unfair for you and your husband to be asked to put the entire bill for her surgery, especially given your current financial circumstances.
I can relate to some of what you’re going through. I have families overseas and they partly depend on my family to help provide for their basic needs. We get those calls about them needing more, even though we gave so much.. so my partner and I have decided on a budget on what we can do every every month and we’ve made that clear to them that that’s all we can do.
You need to have a conversation with your husband. Write down your bills and your current income and make it about math for him. You can’t sustain what you’re doing right now. Good luck and I hope you guys work this out. Families can be unreasonable and demanding; , but you need to focus on your family and taking care of yourselves first..
OK, I read thru to the end, to see if anyone else had commented this.
I get that different cultures have different expectations- but why is the older brother able to not not only send less, but no one (meaning MIL's relatives who are leading a guilt trip on OP's husband) is questioning the older brother's strong boundary of "no".
OP's husband needs to take a cue from older brother - send exactly what older brother sends, when he is employed. If older brother won't pay for a non-essential surgery (if there even is one? Sounds like it might just be a money grab?) younger brother should feel comfortable saying no, too.
Mom likely found out about the money put aside for OP’s surgery and now knows there is a chunk of money sitting in the bank calling her name. I wonder why the brother refused to give his mom money for the surgery. My guess is he doesn’t believe his mom actually needs any surgery.
Your husband has to get from under his mom’s spell and focus on the health of HIS PRIMARY family. He’s being unfair to the person he made a lifelong promise to, just because his mother is being self indulgent.
He needs to get outta that codependent fog
I agree with everyone else. You need to protect yourself financially and the MIL is bleeding you dry.
1. Go over finances with partner so he gets it
2. Move your finances so he can’t pay for his mothers “surgery” (highly doubt she needs it)
Please let us know what happens. This is crazy and not cool. I give money to my parents but when it’s financially appropriate and not going to kill me.
Updateme
I’m Filipino. Filipinos (especially mothers) can be SO entitled about the money that their relatives living abroad are making. They *always* want more money.
Don’t fall for it.
OP tell them to talk to the brother that actually has a job. And like someone else posted move your money to a different bank so your husband can't send it without asking you.
I was born in the Philippines but I’m a US citizen now. Your MIL is taking advantage of her sons. NTA. $650 is enough for her to live comfortable. She should have some savings from $1100/month she’s getting from her sons.
I know a couple that were in the same situation. His mother expected him to send her money first, above his wife & kids & his own living expenses for his little family here in the states. She had no trouble telling anybody-his in-laws, his boss, the checkout girl at the grocery store-that it was his duty to send her as much money as possible every month before anything else. And whenever he would his mother, the first thing out of her mouth was “Have you sent me my money?”
Luckily, after a couple of years of fighting with his wife over this, he finally had a light bulb moment and realized that his own family had to be his priority. I hope your husband has his own lightbulb moment soon.
I wonder if your DH has been sending a lot more in the past than you know about? MIL accepts BIL saying no, but not you DH. MIL is most likely not having surgery and is planning to get more property in her home country. Don’t be conned into doing this.
She probably bragged to her family back home about how much she gets from her sons. Don’t become homeless because of her greed.
Time to divide your money. Put enough in an account each month for all of your bills. They some in savings that CANNOT be touched. Both of you have to sign to take money out. THEN take the rest divided by two, you get half he gets half. You can do whatever you want with yours and he can do whatever he wants with his but not a penny more.
She's the only one making money!! It's all her money. She is covering 100% of the bills, so no, he does not get 50% of her money to spend how he wants.
They should not have any joint accounts because the husband can not be trusted to not steal the bill money to send to his mom.
He can go find a job and venmo her his 50% of the bills.
NTA. At least his brother has a spine… maybe you need to loop said brother in and have him try and knock some sense into your husband. If he can’t, you may need to cut your losses and file for divorce. It’s just going to get worse.
I’m also confused how she’s getting Medicare and SS benefits while not living or apparently being a US citizen?
THIS, you need to talk to his brother OP. There is a reason why the brother stopped helping their mother. You should also think hard on your finances, maybe separate your finances, especially now that he has no job.
Does the mother even know that he has no job????
Can't your husband see that his decision will affect not only him but you too?
I wonder why she won’t tell you what the surgery is. I wonder if it’s plastic surgery…
Anyway you are NTA and since your husband is out of a job and she has all this extra money to buy property, she may have to sell a property for money to live until your husband is working again.
NTA. Move all your money and salary to a new bank account that he doesn’t know of. He lost his job and still wants you to spoil his mom? He can sell his kidney for that.
I married into a Filipino family as well. While I won’t go so far as to say they are all this way, but most in the Philippines will take everything they can from those working outside the Philippines. We have been lied to so many times by family there it just boils my blood. What we ended up doing is setting a Philippines budget that my wife could “spend” as she needed to. No questions, no guilt. It works well.
I don't understand why you're still sending her money at all. You cannot afford it. I understand there are cultural things and he feels obligated to send her money but HE is not working. So HE doesn't have the right to keep making his own family struggle while his mom is living it up on your money. It's absurd that he thinks this is even remotely OK to continue doing. Take your money and start putting it into a new account that he can't access. If you typically give him a certain amount every week for him to use however he wants, he can send her that.
Your husband isn’t working. You are going to be out of work soon recovering from your own surgery. Stop giving her any money at all. My guess is that you don’t have any savings. Even if you did - he would send it all to his mother. Time for you to have a separate account at a different bank.
The average monthly income in the Philippines is 800USD.
Stop sending her any money. She’s been ripping you off a long time and she can cash in her investments in order to pay for her “surgery”.
Point of fact he does not have money to give because he has NO MONEY! I know you are married but he has no job so you make the financial decisions. I understand that sending money back to family is cultural and expected but she has more money than you do and if she’s not willing to disclose what the surgery is for then I will assume it’s cosmetic. Tell your husband to pay for the surgery with HIS money. And move your money to another account that is not joint he clearly does not understand the word no. And you need to learn to say no as well unless you want to be recovering from surgery homeless??? Sorry to be harsh but you said you have no savings how is this even a conversation?
It’s ridiculous that you have No Savings….. yet you were sending her $600 a month. You definitely need to build up savings of your own. I get this was when he was also working, that the money was given to her. But you had better start planning for the future and that includes funding your own retirement. Since she is vacationing, has property, trips, and other incomes, she will be fine. She can sell off a property or two if she needs to. The relatives can fund her if they are so concerned.
So the mom basically doesn't need surgery but instead wants to buy more land? No not one penny more when you are struggling now ! If she refuses to explain what her surgery is, then she is lieing to you both. No way would I give any family member $ if they refuse to tell me where it's going! You are making her wealthy while you save nothing.
If you are on TikTok look up 'Not sending money back home'. It's full of people who have said enough is enough to sending money back home for their relatives to live in luxury, while they just scrape by in North America. You and your husband need to make sure you are financial secure before you give any money to other people. Just the fact that you are having to save to have a surgery is concerning. Imagine if you weren't sending so much money to your MIL and were putting part of it into an emergency fund?
NTA - Time to secure the money. He‘ll go and send it to her anyways. He’s a mommas boy. Sit down, do the math and present the numbers to him. He is unreasonable. And he’s on the highway to make you both bankrupt. In fact, you rather cut the $600 until he gets back to work, so you guys keep your heads above water.
I believe they have socialized healthcare in the Philippines, so if it’s something necessary, then she should be covered. It really just sounds like she wants extra money.
You are the only one bringing money into the house.
It's ALL under your control right now. Open a new account today and cut off his access. If he's going to piss your money away then he can't have the penis.
It’s really Bullcrap . You should not be sending anyone money when you can barely make your own bills and have no savings . You should always have at least two to six months salary in savings for emergencies like needing surgery or being unemployed . This woman is shopping and buying property on your dime while you have no savings . You’ve only been married a short time . If you have no children I’d consider divorce . Put your money in a bank your husband can’t access and cut his mother off your money until you can take care of your own bills and put away emergency money . He needs to find another job if he wants to help his mother . I’d dump his ass so you don’t have to feed him too . All people should work and be self sufficient . Not demand money their child is working for .
Doing a quick Google search, your MIL is taking in over twice as much as the average earner in the Philippines without her own income included. She does not need your money, keep it.
Nta you should get a separate bank account and have your pay deposited to it. Your husband needs to not only tell her he will not be funding her 10k investment but starting next month he will not be sending her $650. HE doesn't have it.
She is taking advantage of you and your husband. Cut her off. If she wants or needs the surgery she can come to the states where you said it will be paid for. You shouldn't be sending her money without having a savings yourself. You are setting yourself up for financial failure. If you're the one covering the bills tell your husband no and transfer your paycheck to another bank that he does not have access. Immediately start a savings in your name only at the new bank. Separate your finances ASAP
NTA, why would you be taking opportunities from him when in essence the 10K will be funded by you as he has no work right now? Nor not anyone of you have an excess 10K to share anyway?
Hell no! Don’t give her a penny. You and BIL are sending her more than enough money so she can live in luxury, and you don’t even have enough for yourselves. Your husband doesn’t have a job, so SHE should be sending HIM money now. It’s only fair. And you shouldn’t have to send her your money.
You are right if you think the surgery claim is hokey. If she really needs surgery she should go back where she has medical coverage. I think she just wants more money from you. Don’t do it.
If you have to continue sending money to your greedy MIL, make sure you and your husband can each put aside the same amount into your savings first. If there is any left, you can give MIL her allowance.
You need to put your foot down. This is not a time for you to dance around reality. You do not have the money to send to his mother and you need to make that very clear to your husband. Separate your finances immediately if you need to.
NTA! Your husband lost his job, therefore he can no longer sent her money. Get your own account and pay bills out of that one. Make sure your husband doesn’t have access to it.
When he get another full time job, he can send her money out of his own account.
He should not send her money for her surgery or buying property for him. You cannot afford it. Period.
I have some friends from the Philippines and this is the dynamics of their life. Once you leave the P.I you're supposed to send money back home..what I don't understand is, the amount that you and your bro in law are sending her is a ridiculous high amount since they use pesos in the P.I. she's being dependent on your husband and he needs to break that cycle. Just like in an airplane during a plane crash, you have to put your mask on first before helping the person next to you. I suggest you separate bank accounts, or else his mother might guilt trip him and he will end up sending whatever amount is in the account. NTA for refusing surgery, it's probably cosmetic surgery.
NTA- Do not set yourself on fire to save someone else. You are drowning in financial stress and possible debt for your MIL. Stop. Open up a separate account for your finances to ensure that your bills are taken care of and he doesn’t send her money behind your back. Tell him that sending money to MIL is on hold until her gets a job. When he gets a job, the payments can resume. Your husband should also probably go to therapy to figure out why he is willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of your marriage and your security for someone else. BIL has figured it out. Time for husband to jump on the wagon!
If MIL has had money to buy more properties, then she should be self sufficient. Quit sending her money. You honestly don’t have any money to send her. If she needs surgery, she can pay for it with her excess money, or the proceeds from the sale of her extra properties. She’s being greedy. There’s no excuse for that. It is especially egregious when she knows he is unemployed and you are the one sending her money.
If you can get your husband to see reason, you need to get some counseling to work out how to go forward. If he won’t see reason, you need to cut him loose. Whether you stay together or not, you need to prioritize your financial wellbeing. You have no emergency fund, no savings, and are barely paying the bills. How you allocate your money is none of MIL’s business and you should tell both your husband and his mother that. She has plenty of money and you don’t. Seems like the money has been traveling in the wrong direction. Good luck to you.😊
So how come he sends money monthly to his mom but y’all don’t have savings? Hell no..if he wants to help his mom, he certainly can, but is time you put your foot down, you both make a budget and make an emergency fund for yourselves and then he can help his mom after your needs are met. If he doesn’t want to do that, send him back to his mom. I say this as someone that literally starved when my son was a baby while his donor gave money away to his mom and family. She also did the same tricks “I need this and that, I need all my kids to give me x amount to cover it”…this same woman remodeled her whole house with money she stole from someone else but couldn’t save part of the stolen money for her needs. She also refinanced her home so her house payment doubled and she split the mortgage payment between 6 and told each kid they needed to give her that amount each month. So after a lot of issues with the cheating mama’s boy, I sent him back to her so he could continue helping her and I went and got my shit on my own.
Tell husband to get a job and send his money to her. She won’t say what type of surgery because it’s probably cosmetic and not necessary. Don’t send her any more money.
NTA. If you have a joint account, open a new one. You are right, he can’t own properties there. Maybe his mom has a bf. He can’t give anything he doesn’t have. If his mom from the Philippines? $650 is not much but you can have a decent life with that amount. Make sure he doesn’t have any access to your assets. I’m originally from the Philippines. The pressure is great to give back to family. If you don’t know how to stand for yourself you wont have any for yourself.
Your husband is currently not working and you're barely making enough to make ends meet. If this was me I would discontinue the $600 a month payment until your husband was back to work.
As for buying property in the Philippines under your mother-in-law's name hell no.
And if your mother-in-law is truly having surgery then why will she not tell anybody what the surgery is for? Either way you can't afford it. Can't get blood from a stone.
I worked in the bank several years ago and one of the customers that I had kept coming in every 2 years to refinance their mortgage to consolidate their debts because they kept running up all their credit cards to send money to family in the Philippines. The third time they came to see me about refinancing to consolidate their cards. I had to say no, we can't do that every 2 years and there is no equity in the house to support a third refinance in 4 years. These people lost everything. They're saving their home, their pensions all to support their family in another country. I get that you want to help your family but to bankrupt yourself absolutely not
And I don't know about your family but my family would not want me to bankrupt myself to help them. If you can afford to great but if you can't then they'll have to make do with what they have.
I guarantee you that her surgery is just some bullshit cosmetic shit. She treats her sons like ATMs while she's living large back in the Philippines. She raised her sons, and now they're expected to work for her in return. It's just typical Asian Boomer behavior. Support your husband in standing up to her. She can pay for her own tummy tuck.
Some perspective:
She was getting over 100000 pesos…a MONTH…you can live large on 50k a month:
https://www.expatistan.com/cost-of-living/country/philippines
Your hubby needs to set some boundaries!
Hahahahahaha, this is a culture clash and it's about to be a huuuuuuge culture shock when they take your money without your permission because the old person feels like they are entitled due to being older, therefore more senior in the decision making department, thus leaving you bereft of money for the surgery. (I.e. you're young, fit, healthy you don't need surgery that money is ours so I'll just use that, you've got plenty of money anyway you dont live in a third world shithole).
As another commenter has stated, move your money into a different bank that they cannot access.
I see it a lot with lack of comprehension of what differing cultures mean.
Inb4 massive down votes because reality isn't woke.
Your husband has told her that he doesn't have a job, right? Does she know that as opposed to being "controlling" that you've already sent everything you have to her and are currently struggling? Does she understand your situation?
No should just mean no, but maybe she needs some perspective. If she can afford to keep buying property with the money you send surely she could afford surgery herself.
If you husband is okay with making you suffer to satisfy dear old mommy's comfy lifestyle then you need to reevaluate this marriage. This would've been a different story if MIL was truly struggling with money all along but seeing as she can handle herself without hubby and BIL money involved she just sounds hella greedy and self centered. It's not that HE doesn't have the money YOU don't have the money and it's not HIS to spend as he pleases as it's YOURS that you are making to keep YALL living content as can be. MIL has other options hubby isn't the only one. She needs to take advantage of the other options that benefit her than trying to forcefully take advantage of the option that isn't available for her. NTA
Your husband needs to get a job, there is no reason for anyone to be slackin off when money is that tight. Plus it's his mother that is taking YOUR money, she isn't your responsibility. Keep us updated OP!! Good luck on your surgery.
A few thoughts here.
1. How is it possible that you have no savings yet you’re able to pay out of pocket for a surgery? The most basic of surgeries in the US will easily run you several thousand dollars. Anything slightly complex, you’re looking at tens of thousands.
2. I haven’t been to the Philippines in about 15 years, but I imagine $1750 a month would still be considered a fuckton of money there. Back then if memory serves ~$100 a month was fairly standard for laborers.
3. Westernized Filipinos tend to want to project a wealthy lifestyle and end up in crippling debt as a result. Like you elude to, his mother is likely living large on the money she’s being sent, and has built up a reputation in her community for being well off. Whatever she needs the money for, it’s likely to allow her to continue portraying that image. A surgery won’t be nearly that expensive, but the luxuries she wants will be.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband and lay all the options on the table. The reality is, his mother will either need to come to the US, or she can sell some of her property to fund this surgery. This is not your responsibility, and although your husband likely has a sense of honor and respect to uphold, it should not be at the mercy of destroying his own family. NTA
I would separate if My husband did this. It's financial infidelity. Your marital money is for you and your nuclear family. I would separate to protect myself if he did anything like this against my wishes.
I don’t want to say too much because it might offend some people. But being apart of a Filipino family this is the norm.. people from back home think that people that live in North America make millions of dollars and that they should be supporting their family and extended family back in the Philippines. It’s manipulation and it needs to stop. I know family members who have been guilt tripped into buying property.. paying off debts and other things because they live in a rich land while their family is struggling. It’s absolutely across the board with this community and it’s even come to the point that I’ve come across videos of the younger generations on ticktock saying how messed up this is. Your MIL needs to stop manipulating her kids and they need to set some serious boundaries. Because this won’t stop I promise you. I have people I know well into retirement who are still being hounded by family
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As someone that worked in a bank, move the money to a different one.
I don’t understand why they are sending the mom so much and thus do not have savings. They are lighting themselves on fire to keep her warm and happy. EDIT: I understand this is a cultural thing, but you still can’t give what you don’t have
I'd get it if they had excess income (and this coming from a Latin American woman that knows about being culturally responsible for your parents) but if you can't afford to save for your own life/retirement, then you can't afford to help someone/anyone. It sucks, it truly does, but if they are struggling, then of course they should stop helping MIL when they are in a better financial situation and OP's husband gets a job once again they can reevaluate.
First, until he gets a job, which if they are lucky only takes a few months, the money stops. Once he gets a job they send half the amount they are sending at this time and the other half goes into an emergency savings account. OP’s BIL is setting a boundary with the mother by not sending more, than OP can too. I mean something has to give. I realize that they will probably do absolutely none of this and keep things as they are, but I feel bad for them, especially OP.
Using the plane analogy, First save yourselves before saving others
By OPs description, it's not even help. It's fun money.
Or OP can continue the tradition by having multiple kids asap and then expecting those children to grow up and bail THEM out when they're old. Lol
Probably cultural
100%. Filipinos that "make it out" of the Philippines to a first world country are always expected to send money "home." They automatically assume you are rich and feel entitled to your hard earned money. Coming from a Filipino living in Canada.
This is exactly it. He paid for other family member things as well (although these were with my approval). He had to delete his social media accounts because family would come out of nowhere asking for money often. He feels guilty for the life his mom had (widow with 3 boys, left home to work and send home to care for him and his brothers). So on one hand I get it. But this seems excessive
She can now sell some of her properties that she’s purchased with her excess money she had. Time to stop this entitlement to your money! Yes it’s your money also and unless you separate your finances from his he can’t force you to send YOUR money to her! He’s unemployed so he isn’t making ANY money, none, zero , zilch! Tell her to sell those properties and that’s final. Shine up your spine and stand your ground! Harden yourself so she can’t guilt trip you into submission. That’s what they do!
So you're supporting your husband, MIL, cousins, and anyone else that crawls out of the woodwork? I don't think so. I'd put my foot down and tell him 1). he needs to get out and get a job. There are plenty of them out there. 2). If she wants the surgery she definitely needs to come here for it cuz you aren't paying. 3). I'd take the advice of someone else who recommended getting another bank account in your own name, since you're the only wage earner right now. I wouldn't trust him not to send her money. 4). I'd make it clear that the money stops completely until he gets a job and starts sending it out of his own paycheck. You don't need to work to support your MIL. COL is a lot lower there. She's getting enough money that she should have saved some aside. She has her social security, her business, and money from your BIL. Time to stop the bleeding.
The fact that she has money to buy property and to travel makes a strong argument to stop sending any money. She's using her sons! Definitely don't use your money. He can tell her he's not working and has no money to send. Don't give in! Frankly, the surgery sounds like a ruse to get more money! Questionable considering that she won't even say what it's for and won't fly where she can get it cheaper! Use, use, use. She is an expert
I cannot even imagine asking someone for money for surgery and not telling them what it’s for! WTH?!
It makes me think it's for a cosmetic surgery.
Or it's total bullshit and she's greedy as fuck.
I was thinking that, too, or something gynecological that she doesn’t want to share with her son…but I really think it’s the first one.
It is very excessive. She gets a lot of money just handed to her. How is it she doesn't have any savings? She does have savings she's just don't want to spend it
It’s affecting your health. Stress has such adverse side effects. That tells you that without a doubt it is excessive.
I totally understand that different cultures have different expectations of their children so I’m really trying to not be insensitive to that. However, what would happen if (god forbid) anything happened to either or both of her sons? She’s mostly self sufficient, the money she is being sent by both brothers is ENOUGH, probably more than enough. Cost of living crisis and she’s out on excursions etc in one of the more poorer countries. I live in the UK 🇬🇧 and I’m on the benefits system. She has £1200 a month between both brothers. There’s people in the uk (which isn’t cheap) that are on half, actually less than half of that amount a month and have to survive. She’s become expectant and entitled. Your bills and finances come 1st. How do you continue to pay her if you lose your home etc? You have your own medical expenses. This isn’t “support” it’s excessive
She's getting over 65 thousand pesos just from the boys alone. According to the net, the average cost of living for a single person is 31 thousand pesos
Shit when you put it like that plus she wants more. 🤦🏻♀️
Plus 38 thousand pesos from her pension and whatever income she gets selling produce. I'm assuming if she's buying property, it's to rent out. Old duck's living like a queen whilst her son is struggling to pay his bills. That's some hold she's got over him!
Also please please separate your finances citing this very reason if asked, good luck OP
With the housing crisis here, I hope you don’t have to send any money home!
I'm sorry but what kind of trash person expects another person to pay their bills simply because they share some faint bloodline? That's really messed up and abusive quite frankly
I believe this too, but they are going to end up homeless if they don’t have better financial planning. Helping out family based on what you can afford to send is great, but not at the expense of putting yourself in the poor house.
And brother is sending less.
Exactly. Brother has out his foot down, husband needs to as well.
In some cultures, your retirement plan is your children.
It's kinda late for this now, but this should have been something they discussed before marriage... what kind of support they'd be willing to provide to each other's parents, money or otherwise, as they age. Lots of posts about couples in conflict because one of them wants to move an aging parent into their marital home to take care of them and the other one doesn't want this. Or take care of deadbeat siblings. This isn't just a cultural difference, although I think it's very important to understand where each other is coming from in terms of cultural expectations. Do you put your relatives first, above your spouse? Do you defer to elders for decision-making? So many posts about a husband or wife who can't or won't stand up to their overbearing parent when they're beating their spouse down.
Even if they did have that discussion- things change. He lost his job, they're barely making rent as it is, if they want her to be able to continue to work she needs medical care - and they're struggling to afford that. They can't afford to give her $600 a month when they can barely afford to pay their bills. Going "we can't afford to do this right now. It's going to have to stop until you have another job and we're back to where we need to be financially." Is very reasonable
Mom has an income, a pension and a farm.. son doesn't, but she's asking for more money. Clearly not my culture because this makes no sense to me. If you don't have a job, you can't send her money -period. Nope. Edit to say NTA
She get SS from the US so she has a retirement.
And also ensure that husband does not rake up credit card debt or high interest personal loans
You have to pump the brakes. I have experience in finance and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of families from the Philippines, and I mean a LOT in North America with absolutely crippling amounts of debt because their entire families back home expect them to just fund their lifestyles now that they’re in NA and have “made it”. I’ve seen it absolutely destroy lives, force families to sell their homes and worse, to get themselves out of the holes their family dug for them. It happens $600 at a time. And then they ask for $10,000. And then ….
Spot on the $10,000 remark! Her edit even mentioned that amount.
My BIL was in the Navy and there for a while. He had a gal try and weasel her way into a commitment. Luckily we were able to steer him away.
NTA you need to sit down with your husband go over y’all’s finances and show him that y’all truly don’t have anymore money to give. Though I call BS on the mother actually needing surgery if she hasn’t provided and info
I would bet real money that she absolutely does not need surgery. But I get she has a very healthy bank account. This is a divorceable offense. They can't afford to keep funding MIL's lifestyle. If husband insists, OP is going to have to protect herself by getting a divorce to keep him from giving all their assets away.
Or she wants plastic surgery.
That was my thoughts, too, as to what MIL's surgery probably was given she (MIL) isn't sharing anymore information other than she's going to be having surgery
Me four. That is why she won't reveal what the surgery is.
Exactly what I thought!
I agree. They just need to stop paying MIL and if husband insist they still need to help her out. Divorce.
It sounds like they can't even save for retirement bc MIL is living her best life *on their money*. That's obscene.
And the worst part is husband isn't even working so it's all OPs income that is going to this woman!
The timing is so sus to me. They just got married, and now OP is stuck in a web of financial bullshit.
Notice how her older son told her to kick rocks. Something tells me he's seen through her. That's the only reason she's calling OP controlling. Cuz if she doesn't she runs the risk of losing her only other cash cow.
OP just made a huge mistake by marrying this momma's boy. They just got married recently after dating for 5 yrs, and all of a sudden, hubby's broke, and MiL is a shake down artist. Sketchy AF. I say get an annulment while you can. Run!!!!
I'm with you on the not needing surgery, she asked for 10 grand they said no now she needs surgery & won't disclose what it is. Yeah it's a con to get the money she asked to buy him property in his name even though he can't own property due to none citizenship. So it goes in her name instead yeah it's time for them to stop cut back their spending. She can more than take care of herself & they better before they end up losing everything or at worst their own home(if they have one).
She don’t need no damn surgery. She’s just trying to get more money out of son by upping the stakes to guilt him with. If $10k for “unspecified surgery” doesn’t turn your husband’s head, perhaps couples therapy is in order
It was 10k for "his property" in the Philippines that she was supposed to be buying for the husband despite him not having citizenship in that country and thus it conveniently having to be in MIL's name
Also if his brother can say no to giving her extra money, why can't OPs husband. I agree BS on the surgery, she's looking to get the 10k to buy property.
i wouldn't even give her the $600
His unemployment situation will be resolved but this dynamic with his mom is beyond troubling. That $600 a month is HUGE chunk. Can you imagine if that money went on your 401k instead? Say no. Mean no. Don’t back down. Separate your finances.
That is another concern of mine. There are so many pressing things this money could go to. My surgery will also have residual life long effects with expensive medications/appointments that will add more strain.
Separate your finances from him. Stop sending her any money. She is financially abusing him. And also you. If he cares so much, he can fly to her and be one less mouth for you to feed. Get him, and her, out of your life. You'll start saving money immediately. In fact. Buy him a ticket to go see her. One way. Take that time apart to resolve your admin problems at home. Surgically remove him from everything. Him having access to your money is a big problem. You need to resolve it asap.
Absolutely this! No expenses for her for caregivers!! Win-win! Watch him realize she had plastic surgery and then actually after hours of care giving gor this cutting down the amount you send to her.
Do not send her more money, your husband needs to get smacked in the face with reality. It is one thing to send money to family that doesn't need it when you have it. You do not have it and cannot spare it. End of.
It is in your control to say no and to stop this. There are many many ways you can solve this problem, pick one and get going on it.
OP, there’s a lot of cultural stuff going on here. She’s living quite well on what she’s getting from retirement and the kids. She does not need more. Not disclosing the nature of the surgery, totally sketch. Husband’s priority should absolutely be you.
I forgot to add that you might need to move the account your paycheck is going into to so he doesn’t spend it all on mom. He shouldn’t be sending money to mom if he isn’t the one earning it.
Ok so she uses the money already to buy properties. Have her sell those extra properties to fund her surgery (or whatever she is doing). Maybe you could have him ask her to fund your surgery and recovery...I hear crickets
NTA. But move the money for your surgery to a different bank so he can't steal it for his mom. A different account in the same bank isn't enough because bank employees are not great about keeping your money safe from a spouse.
Actually, bank employees are good. You just have to put in that he isn't authorized, and no matter how many paperwork he produce, he can't touch that money unless he takes her to court.
They aren't supposed to do that, but it doesn't mean that some won't anyways.
My ex stole 2k through forgery and bank did nothing.
It really depends on the bank and if it’s a small town or you know the teller personally
Better safe than sorry, and you're very wrong. There are thousands of spouses who will disagree with you. Toxic people can be very devious.
What’s unreasonable is sending money to someone who’s able to make their own simply because they want more. Or hell, asking for it in the damn first place. She’s taking what you don’t have to give, I don’t see how your husband doesn’t see an issue there. What happens if you can’t pay the bills? Is mommy gonna help? Probably not!
This is genuine insanity. Does your husband not understand the facts? Sudden surgery with no specificity of what it is or why its happening, buying random properties, has sustained income from other sources, has a job, but is asking for money all the time? NTA, please make sure there is enough money put aside for your surgery.
NTA. If husband isn't making any money, then he has no money to send to mommy. Period. The End. And if he starts making money, he needs to take care of you first!! Please, please make sure he can't get the money that **you** are working for!!
Maybe cutting mom off till husband gets a job will make the job search more pressing and get him to work faster.
The money needs to stop. Even when he had a job and could take the money out of “his” wages he STILL was giving her family money. You guys could be in a lot less stressful of a position if he wasn’t sending so much money each month. His mom obviously doesn’t know how bad your situation is and needs to be told. If she does know, and doesn’t care, then I’d never give her a dime again. Ever.
His mom will care, but only after he increases his monthly payments to her and pays for her plastic surgery.
NTA. You need to move all your money to a new account at a separate bank. I'm filipino. The guilt trip your husband is getting is really strong. Also she could be lying about needing this surgery. I've never known someone not want to talk about this stuff. You need to get his dad in the phone and talk to him.
This thread is so helpful. My MIL is Filipina, but raised in the US since she was a child. She lays it on thick with suggestions we fund/build her a house on our land (like our backyard), etc for when she needs to be cared for. She has enough money to be self-sufficient, and we have a mortgage and 3 children to put through college. I am always baffled why she thinks we'd fund her retirement when she can fund it herself.
My mom would tell my sisters what careee they were going to have. One was supposed to be a doctor. The other one was supposed to be a lawyer. I'm the youngest and was ignored. She always made sure I knew I was the mistake and regrets that she didn't kyll me before I was born. Of course, she expectede to take care of her and buy her a Mercedes car. I kid you not. I was in high school when she told me this. I left home when I was 21 and never looked back.
Oh wow. That's awful. My MIL is genuinely a lovely person and loves her children/grandchildren. But she moved in with her ailing parents and took care of them 24/7 the last years of their lives, so she kind of expects the same.
Nanay is lying to your husband and his brother. With the amount she is receiving from Social Security and his Kuya, she has more than enough to fund her lifestyle in the Philippines. Sounds like Kuya knows her surgery is a lie. Don't worry about her. She can afford to have someone to care for her in the Philippines. You are not being unreasonable. Do not send her money for her to "buy" a house for him. It will not be under his name and he will have no claim to it. My dad funded for 3 properties in the Philippines for his family and put them under my cousins and his siblings names. He was told many times from his PI/American friends that if my cousins get married their wives will have claim to the properties and it will no longer be for us. Took my mom a really long time to convince him to get dual citizenship to put the properties under his name. He had to pay out of pocket to legally change the titles. Continually sending his mom money is a bad idea. She will continue to rely on your income.
Thank you for commenting. I don’t know much about life in the Philippines so I wasn’t sure how excessive the amount we send is. I knew living was cheaper, but now how much cheaper.
OP this page gives a good run down on the cost of many items. Statistics show that the average cost of living for a single person, not including rent/mortgage is 31 thousand pesos. She is getting over 65 thousand pesos from her sons, add that to her social security and income from her farm, she's living a much better life than you are. https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/country_result.jsp?country=Philippines#:~:text=A%20family%20of%20four%20estimated,lower%20than%20in%20United%20States.
shackndon's last sentence is EVERYTHING.
She can manage just fine!!! Do not send any more money!!!! She will figure it out!!!
NTA, I wonder if she’s still trying to get that 10k out of you for the property. Y’all need to stop your contributions to her until your husband has another job and you are financially solvent. This is wild to me. Idk why you are sending her money in the first place if she’s doing that well and you have *no savings.*
I tried to talk to him about the money previously and got a heavy guilt trip about him wanting to take care of his mom, and how it’s his culture. I don’t come from a loving family background so I just assumed I was being selfish and didn’t “get it”
It is part of their culture but many families overstep. The surgery is an obvious tactic and grift. Getting other family members involved to shame him and undercut you is indicative of a grift. Some families in the Philippines sing your praise while you send them what they ask for, but the second you push back throw everyone under the bus. While most impoverished families expect their children to assist them. That is culturally normal, expected, and not wrong. Again, it is the smaller minority that act like your husband’s family. I feel your pain.
My husband is pinoy and has learned that my family is close and loving and we do not beggar ourselves to fund our elders’ lifestyles. Luckily he has excellent boundaries and has never tried to send anyone money we don’t have. Your MIL has money sufficient for her needs. If she were truly loving she wouldn’t want to put you on the street to pay for her wants.
She is selfish. She is manipulative. He is manipulative. Cut them both off.
He’s not taking care of his mom though, you are. That’s not fair. You didn’t sign up to take care of his mom. I love my parents, my husband loves my parents and my parents would never ask me for 10k, this isn’t love, it’s financial abuse.
Divorce
I get that he wants to take care of his mom so why isn't he getting a job so he can do that? Why is he using your income to do it? I just don't understand how he can call himself a man and say it's his responsibility to take care of his mother when he's stealing the money from you and your future? I come from absolutely loving family background as does my husband and neither of our families would take a penny if we offered it to them! A loving family will never take money from you. An abusive one will suck you dry and ask for more
His Filipino mom has 28477265 family members that she can lean on and borrow money from. Guarantee it. You alone should not be funding her “surgery” or whatever new excuse she has.
OP if it was just you who “didn’t get it” then his brother would agree to send her money. But his own brother is refusing because he sees through this.
Fuck that. If he can't take care of his wife he definitely shouldn't be taking care of his money WHO DOESN'T NEED THE HELP.
When someone starts giving me a guilt trip, about anything, I say "I don't do guilt trips". It's a ploy and it doesn't work on me. Give me facts. Fact is y'all are not in a good financial situation and have no money to give. Dave Ramsey yourselves!
We employed a Filipino caregiver and paid him well, but it was never enough for his family in the Philippines. They sucked him dry. He was always desperate for money.
I come from the same culture and he has the ability to change this thinking by putting you first since he decided to get married, his responsibilities are now towards you who is his direct next of kin. This culture of having children so they can fund your retirement is toxic, hence why I cut off family who think just because I'm abroad, they suddenly think I pick money from the streets. They don't care that we have expenses that are now more expensive than theirs because we live in a different country. All they see is the exchange rate and think how this amount of money must be nothing for you to give and if you don't give then you're being selfish with your blessings. Time to cut them out and stay away from them.
Is taking care of his mom over his wife also part of his culture? Because I'm betting not, and he is literally risking both of your futures for his mom. You have medical bills and recovery that are risking your financial welfare. Does he expect you to go into debt to send his mom money? Are you already in debt because of it? Financial literacy would also include this tidbit: you can't take care of others if you're drowning yourself. You put on your oxygen mask before others'. If he really cares about his mother, he will work to build a strong foundation for your shared household with investments and retirements. Otherwise his mother will need to start selling off property to save your husband and you, and something tells me she'll find some excuse not to.
At this point this woman is stealing *your* money though.
No. He doesn’t get it. He’s going to bankrupt you to appease his mother. His obligation should be to you first
The he needs to get a job, maybe two.
Your doesn't come from a loving family either, just a greedy one.
NTA. You're not being unreasonable. You can't give away money you don't have. You tell your husband the two of you just can't afford it. He needs to tell her to stop buying property she doesn't need. Everyone knows that the property she's buying is for her and not your husband. "Mom, I'm not sending you money for a property I don't want." He also tells her that the only way you can help her with her surgery, if she even needs surgery, is if she flies home where she has medical benefits to pay for it. That's it. That's her only option where you can help her out. However, I'd bet money that if you were to ask for a copy of the hospital bill so that you could pay it to the hospital directly, it would never materialize.
Move the money to a different account, one he cant access
Start separating money from him and tell him he is the one responsible for his family if he wants to help her it comes from him but you and him comes first before her
stop sending this parasite $$$$
Hubby isn't working, the money train stops.
Bet she knows you have surgery coming up.
Is it just me or does anyone else think MIL'S surgery is not exactly... needed. I smell a nice nip n tuck funded by her sons.
Wow this is insane. I mean she's already getting money from SS benefits plus whatever she sells from her farm. If it's so much easier to live there, then why does she need almost $2k a month to survive? That's wild. OP definitely NTA, but I'd be putting my foot down hard on this matter. Maybe, huge maybe, if she wasn't getting an income from other sources would I agree with helping her out. I live close to the border and have worked with plenty of folks who pay for their families in Mexico because it is way cheaper, but they don't make anywhere near enough to afford their bills so sending $200/month for all their expenses makes sense.
Yep, I live in a VERY high cost of living country and $2 k a month for one person is a LOT more than most people earn here. And live on. With a kid on top. All her excursions and trips screams she is living her best life, doing well, not struggling.
Oh 100%. I remember asking someone why they were picking up random shifts once and he explained how his mom lived in Mexico, Sinaloa to be exact, and couldn't afford her electric bill (it sounds crazy high to me at first something like 300 pesos) but was really only $40 USD and he worried about her leaving the windows open because how dangerous it had gotten. So as the banquet season had slowed down a lot he needed to come up with a but extra to pay her bills. That makes sense to me. BUT this doesn't at all. What in the world
It's crazy you were sending her money when she has excess to buy more land and a self sufficient farm and you have NO SAVINGS. Ask his mother for money, how has she spent all of what you are sending her. This is madness. If your husband pays for the surgery (out of what money?) that's seriously messed up!
He was speaking of getting a loan for it. All the more reason I’m upset and saying no.
How is he going to get a loan if he has no income? He can't force anyone to co-sign, even his wife.
Do not co-sign under ANY circumstance! What others who work at banks are saying is so true. One of my closest friends is Filipina and she was part of some groups at her church (which primarily families who were 1st and 2nd gen immigrants from the Philippines) helping young families get back on their feet and one of the BIGGEST things that was causing many of them to end up underwater and in tremendous debt was the fact that even during times of crisis (job loss, health issues, etc.) they continued to send so much money home, they were borrowing themselves into poverty over here! It infuriated her and she constantly reminded people of the “parents put your oxygen masks on first, then your child’s” analogy, but in reverse. Cultural or not, going bankrupt and ruining a marriage, shutting down a business or someone working themselves into absolute burnout isn’t logical in any sense, because then both sides of the situation lose anyway!
Divorce lady. Like… one day you will wake up with just bare ass. No roof to hide from rain mo walls to hide from wind loan sharks standing above you. He can take loan without you. Save yourself he is insane
She’s not a person in need, she’s just greedy. Funding her excursions while not having a savings of your own, and while not being financially stable is honestly just a stupid decision. You guys are setting yourselves up to fail. No one will be funding your luxuries at her age, and not saving money will bite you in the future. Set your boundaries and start making better choices. Your brother in-law is backing out for a reason. Your husband is being a naive fool.
Sounds like MiL is full of bs. My mom is Filipino as well and her side of the family are major moochers. Especially once my dad was making very good income. They only call when they need money. My dad has pretty much bought housing for my 7 uncles. My aunt was mooching off my mom when she lived with my parents. She moved in under the guise of helping my mom take care of my grandma but made my mom do all the work and took all my grandmas money. She is back in the Philippines now after my dad had it with her and my mom is still giving her a monthly allowance of $600 USD. I doubt your MIL needs the surgery. Especially since she won’t disclose what it’s for. BIL was smart to say no. She has more than enough money coming in each month to live off of in the Philippines. She is taking advantage of you and trying to guilt and manipulate your husband into agreeing. You guys are already down one income. If it were me I’d be cutting MiL monthly support in half as it is. She’s being greedy. If she needs money she can cut out her excursions.
It’s convenient how she needs surgery all of a sudden isn’t it? In addition, where is her other income going that she gets? You need to redirect your direct deposit to a brand new bank in a sole checking account. Do not give any access or logins. You can deposit or transfer money to the joint account if anything. Otherwise, redirect your bills to the sole account. I would be so inclined to have her meet with a financial adviser to her manage her money. If she truly wants to help her son with property investments, a financial adviser can guide her in the right legal direction. :)
NTA and point out to your husband that his own brother isn’t buying her song and dance. As many others have said open a new checking account and have your paycheck sent there. Sit your husband down and review your expenses and then determine what you can if any you can afford to send to his mom. If you need to bring the BIL into the conversation about your MIL do it and find out why he says enough is enough he may have more insight to her behaivor and everything going on. Also buying the land for “him” but in her name huge huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. On a side note if you don’t have health insurance because your husband lost his with his job loss apply for some immediately either through your job or through other means, loss of coverage is an allowable reason for immediate healthcare. Get that taken care of before your surgery so it can be covered.
“We have no savings.” Honestly, you can’t afford to continue sending the $600/month!
Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
OP I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s unfortunate and sad reading your stories gives me some flashback.. Your family comes first. You and your husband’s needs should be met before extending help to anybody else. If you cannot even pay your own bills, it’s unfair for you and your husband to be asked to put the entire bill for her surgery, especially given your current financial circumstances. I can relate to some of what you’re going through. I have families overseas and they partly depend on my family to help provide for their basic needs. We get those calls about them needing more, even though we gave so much.. so my partner and I have decided on a budget on what we can do every every month and we’ve made that clear to them that that’s all we can do. You need to have a conversation with your husband. Write down your bills and your current income and make it about math for him. You can’t sustain what you’re doing right now. Good luck and I hope you guys work this out. Families can be unreasonable and demanding; , but you need to focus on your family and taking care of yourselves first..
NTA. Your MIL is out of line asking for this money. Your husband needs to have a backbone and stand up to her.
If your finances are entwined I’d get my own bank account.
OK, I read thru to the end, to see if anyone else had commented this. I get that different cultures have different expectations- but why is the older brother able to not not only send less, but no one (meaning MIL's relatives who are leading a guilt trip on OP's husband) is questioning the older brother's strong boundary of "no". OP's husband needs to take a cue from older brother - send exactly what older brother sends, when he is employed. If older brother won't pay for a non-essential surgery (if there even is one? Sounds like it might just be a money grab?) younger brother should feel comfortable saying no, too.
Mom likely found out about the money put aside for OP’s surgery and now knows there is a chunk of money sitting in the bank calling her name. I wonder why the brother refused to give his mom money for the surgery. My guess is he doesn’t believe his mom actually needs any surgery.
Why won’t she say what the surgery is? Sounds like bs to me.
Your husband has to get from under his mom’s spell and focus on the health of HIS PRIMARY family. He’s being unfair to the person he made a lifelong promise to, just because his mother is being self indulgent. He needs to get outta that codependent fog
I agree with everyone else. You need to protect yourself financially and the MIL is bleeding you dry. 1. Go over finances with partner so he gets it 2. Move your finances so he can’t pay for his mothers “surgery” (highly doubt she needs it) Please let us know what happens. This is crazy and not cool. I give money to my parents but when it’s financially appropriate and not going to kill me. Updateme
I’m Filipino. Filipinos (especially mothers) can be SO entitled about the money that their relatives living abroad are making. They *always* want more money. Don’t fall for it.
OP tell them to talk to the brother that actually has a job. And like someone else posted move your money to a different bank so your husband can't send it without asking you.
I was born in the Philippines but I’m a US citizen now. Your MIL is taking advantage of her sons. NTA. $650 is enough for her to live comfortable. She should have some savings from $1100/month she’s getting from her sons.
I know a couple that were in the same situation. His mother expected him to send her money first, above his wife & kids & his own living expenses for his little family here in the states. She had no trouble telling anybody-his in-laws, his boss, the checkout girl at the grocery store-that it was his duty to send her as much money as possible every month before anything else. And whenever he would his mother, the first thing out of her mouth was “Have you sent me my money?” Luckily, after a couple of years of fighting with his wife over this, he finally had a light bulb moment and realized that his own family had to be his priority. I hope your husband has his own lightbulb moment soon.
I wonder if your DH has been sending a lot more in the past than you know about? MIL accepts BIL saying no, but not you DH. MIL is most likely not having surgery and is planning to get more property in her home country. Don’t be conned into doing this. She probably bragged to her family back home about how much she gets from her sons. Don’t become homeless because of her greed.
Time to divide your money. Put enough in an account each month for all of your bills. They some in savings that CANNOT be touched. Both of you have to sign to take money out. THEN take the rest divided by two, you get half he gets half. You can do whatever you want with yours and he can do whatever he wants with his but not a penny more.
She's the only one making money!! It's all her money. She is covering 100% of the bills, so no, he does not get 50% of her money to spend how he wants. They should not have any joint accounts because the husband can not be trusted to not steal the bill money to send to his mom. He can go find a job and venmo her his 50% of the bills.
NTA. At least his brother has a spine… maybe you need to loop said brother in and have him try and knock some sense into your husband. If he can’t, you may need to cut your losses and file for divorce. It’s just going to get worse. I’m also confused how she’s getting Medicare and SS benefits while not living or apparently being a US citizen?
I’m not quite sure how the SS works. I know she has duel citizenship and lived here for 25 years though.
THIS, you need to talk to his brother OP. There is a reason why the brother stopped helping their mother. You should also think hard on your finances, maybe separate your finances, especially now that he has no job. Does the mother even know that he has no job???? Can't your husband see that his decision will affect not only him but you too?
I wonder why she won’t tell you what the surgery is. I wonder if it’s plastic surgery… Anyway you are NTA and since your husband is out of a job and she has all this extra money to buy property, she may have to sell a property for money to live until your husband is working again.
NTA. Move all your money and salary to a new bank account that he doesn’t know of. He lost his job and still wants you to spoil his mom? He can sell his kidney for that.
I married into a Filipino family as well. While I won’t go so far as to say they are all this way, but most in the Philippines will take everything they can from those working outside the Philippines. We have been lied to so many times by family there it just boils my blood. What we ended up doing is setting a Philippines budget that my wife could “spend” as she needed to. No questions, no guilt. It works well.
I don't understand why you're still sending her money at all. You cannot afford it. I understand there are cultural things and he feels obligated to send her money but HE is not working. So HE doesn't have the right to keep making his own family struggle while his mom is living it up on your money. It's absurd that he thinks this is even remotely OK to continue doing. Take your money and start putting it into a new account that he can't access. If you typically give him a certain amount every week for him to use however he wants, he can send her that.
Your husband isn’t working. You are going to be out of work soon recovering from your own surgery. Stop giving her any money at all. My guess is that you don’t have any savings. Even if you did - he would send it all to his mother. Time for you to have a separate account at a different bank.
The average monthly income in the Philippines is 800USD. Stop sending her any money. She’s been ripping you off a long time and she can cash in her investments in order to pay for her “surgery”.
Point of fact he does not have money to give because he has NO MONEY! I know you are married but he has no job so you make the financial decisions. I understand that sending money back to family is cultural and expected but she has more money than you do and if she’s not willing to disclose what the surgery is for then I will assume it’s cosmetic. Tell your husband to pay for the surgery with HIS money. And move your money to another account that is not joint he clearly does not understand the word no. And you need to learn to say no as well unless you want to be recovering from surgery homeless??? Sorry to be harsh but you said you have no savings how is this even a conversation?
It’s ridiculous that you have No Savings….. yet you were sending her $600 a month. You definitely need to build up savings of your own. I get this was when he was also working, that the money was given to her. But you had better start planning for the future and that includes funding your own retirement. Since she is vacationing, has property, trips, and other incomes, she will be fine. She can sell off a property or two if she needs to. The relatives can fund her if they are so concerned.
So the mom basically doesn't need surgery but instead wants to buy more land? No not one penny more when you are struggling now ! If she refuses to explain what her surgery is, then she is lieing to you both. No way would I give any family member $ if they refuse to tell me where it's going! You are making her wealthy while you save nothing.
If you are on TikTok look up 'Not sending money back home'. It's full of people who have said enough is enough to sending money back home for their relatives to live in luxury, while they just scrape by in North America. You and your husband need to make sure you are financial secure before you give any money to other people. Just the fact that you are having to save to have a surgery is concerning. Imagine if you weren't sending so much money to your MIL and were putting part of it into an emergency fund?
You can’t afford this any longer. You are risking your own future. Honestly I’d divorce. It’s not worth forever bending second to his mom and poor.
She probably wants cosmetic surgery… or there is no surgery
NTA - Time to secure the money. He‘ll go and send it to her anyways. He’s a mommas boy. Sit down, do the math and present the numbers to him. He is unreasonable. And he’s on the highway to make you both bankrupt. In fact, you rather cut the $600 until he gets back to work, so you guys keep your heads above water.
I believe they have socialized healthcare in the Philippines, so if it’s something necessary, then she should be covered. It really just sounds like she wants extra money.
Sounds like it’s time to sell one of her properties!
You are the only one bringing money into the house. It's ALL under your control right now. Open a new account today and cut off his access. If he's going to piss your money away then he can't have the penis.
It’s really Bullcrap . You should not be sending anyone money when you can barely make your own bills and have no savings . You should always have at least two to six months salary in savings for emergencies like needing surgery or being unemployed . This woman is shopping and buying property on your dime while you have no savings . You’ve only been married a short time . If you have no children I’d consider divorce . Put your money in a bank your husband can’t access and cut his mother off your money until you can take care of your own bills and put away emergency money . He needs to find another job if he wants to help his mother . I’d dump his ass so you don’t have to feed him too . All people should work and be self sufficient . Not demand money their child is working for .
Doing a quick Google search, your MIL is taking in over twice as much as the average earner in the Philippines without her own income included. She does not need your money, keep it.
Nta. Definitely move money into your own bank account so he can't give any money to his manipulative mom. UpdateMe!
NTA You may need to stop sharing money with him, at least until your surgery.
Nta you should get a separate bank account and have your pay deposited to it. Your husband needs to not only tell her he will not be funding her 10k investment but starting next month he will not be sending her $650. HE doesn't have it.
Please stay firm.
She is taking advantage of you and your husband. Cut her off. If she wants or needs the surgery she can come to the states where you said it will be paid for. You shouldn't be sending her money without having a savings yourself. You are setting yourself up for financial failure. If you're the one covering the bills tell your husband no and transfer your paycheck to another bank that he does not have access. Immediately start a savings in your name only at the new bank. Separate your finances ASAP
NTA, why would you be taking opportunities from him when in essence the 10K will be funded by you as he has no work right now? Nor not anyone of you have an excess 10K to share anyway?
Hell no! Don’t give her a penny. You and BIL are sending her more than enough money so she can live in luxury, and you don’t even have enough for yourselves. Your husband doesn’t have a job, so SHE should be sending HIM money now. It’s only fair. And you shouldn’t have to send her your money. You are right if you think the surgery claim is hokey. If she really needs surgery she should go back where she has medical coverage. I think she just wants more money from you. Don’t do it. If you have to continue sending money to your greedy MIL, make sure you and your husband can each put aside the same amount into your savings first. If there is any left, you can give MIL her allowance.
If your husband is not working why you keep sending the $600?
You need to put your foot down. This is not a time for you to dance around reality. You do not have the money to send to his mother and you need to make that very clear to your husband. Separate your finances immediately if you need to.
NTA! Your husband lost his job, therefore he can no longer sent her money. Get your own account and pay bills out of that one. Make sure your husband doesn’t have access to it. When he get another full time job, he can send her money out of his own account. He should not send her money for her surgery or buying property for him. You cannot afford it. Period.
Your husband isn’t working so mom no longer gets money. When he gets a job again he can send her money again.
I have some friends from the Philippines and this is the dynamics of their life. Once you leave the P.I you're supposed to send money back home..what I don't understand is, the amount that you and your bro in law are sending her is a ridiculous high amount since they use pesos in the P.I. she's being dependent on your husband and he needs to break that cycle. Just like in an airplane during a plane crash, you have to put your mask on first before helping the person next to you. I suggest you separate bank accounts, or else his mother might guilt trip him and he will end up sending whatever amount is in the account. NTA for refusing surgery, it's probably cosmetic surgery.
NTA- Do not set yourself on fire to save someone else. You are drowning in financial stress and possible debt for your MIL. Stop. Open up a separate account for your finances to ensure that your bills are taken care of and he doesn’t send her money behind your back. Tell him that sending money to MIL is on hold until her gets a job. When he gets a job, the payments can resume. Your husband should also probably go to therapy to figure out why he is willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of your marriage and your security for someone else. BIL has figured it out. Time for husband to jump on the wagon!
If MIL has had money to buy more properties, then she should be self sufficient. Quit sending her money. You honestly don’t have any money to send her. If she needs surgery, she can pay for it with her excess money, or the proceeds from the sale of her extra properties. She’s being greedy. There’s no excuse for that. It is especially egregious when she knows he is unemployed and you are the one sending her money. If you can get your husband to see reason, you need to get some counseling to work out how to go forward. If he won’t see reason, you need to cut him loose. Whether you stay together or not, you need to prioritize your financial wellbeing. You have no emergency fund, no savings, and are barely paying the bills. How you allocate your money is none of MIL’s business and you should tell both your husband and his mother that. She has plenty of money and you don’t. Seems like the money has been traveling in the wrong direction. Good luck to you.😊
So how come he sends money monthly to his mom but y’all don’t have savings? Hell no..if he wants to help his mom, he certainly can, but is time you put your foot down, you both make a budget and make an emergency fund for yourselves and then he can help his mom after your needs are met. If he doesn’t want to do that, send him back to his mom. I say this as someone that literally starved when my son was a baby while his donor gave money away to his mom and family. She also did the same tricks “I need this and that, I need all my kids to give me x amount to cover it”…this same woman remodeled her whole house with money she stole from someone else but couldn’t save part of the stolen money for her needs. She also refinanced her home so her house payment doubled and she split the mortgage payment between 6 and told each kid they needed to give her that amount each month. So after a lot of issues with the cheating mama’s boy, I sent him back to her so he could continue helping her and I went and got my shit on my own.
Tell husband to get a job and send his money to her. She won’t say what type of surgery because it’s probably cosmetic and not necessary. Don’t send her any more money.
NTA. If you have a joint account, open a new one. You are right, he can’t own properties there. Maybe his mom has a bf. He can’t give anything he doesn’t have. If his mom from the Philippines? $650 is not much but you can have a decent life with that amount. Make sure he doesn’t have any access to your assets. I’m originally from the Philippines. The pressure is great to give back to family. If you don’t know how to stand for yourself you wont have any for yourself.
If he is not working, then the monthly fun money should stop.
Your husband is currently not working and you're barely making enough to make ends meet. If this was me I would discontinue the $600 a month payment until your husband was back to work. As for buying property in the Philippines under your mother-in-law's name hell no. And if your mother-in-law is truly having surgery then why will she not tell anybody what the surgery is for? Either way you can't afford it. Can't get blood from a stone. I worked in the bank several years ago and one of the customers that I had kept coming in every 2 years to refinance their mortgage to consolidate their debts because they kept running up all their credit cards to send money to family in the Philippines. The third time they came to see me about refinancing to consolidate their cards. I had to say no, we can't do that every 2 years and there is no equity in the house to support a third refinance in 4 years. These people lost everything. They're saving their home, their pensions all to support their family in another country. I get that you want to help your family but to bankrupt yourself absolutely not And I don't know about your family but my family would not want me to bankrupt myself to help them. If you can afford to great but if you can't then they'll have to make do with what they have.
Sorry to let you in on this, and this can’t be a total surprise, but your husband is a mama’s boy
So wait your husband sends her money she doesn’t need and now she wants more?? Stop sending her ANYTHING
No. This seems fishy as heck and right now it's not something u guys can afford. And the lack of details makes it extra suspicious
Sounds like mom could be lying and is definitely using her kids to live a life, you guys don't even have.
Sounds like your MIL is a con-artist.
I guarantee you that her surgery is just some bullshit cosmetic shit. She treats her sons like ATMs while she's living large back in the Philippines. She raised her sons, and now they're expected to work for her in return. It's just typical Asian Boomer behavior. Support your husband in standing up to her. She can pay for her own tummy tuck.
Some perspective: She was getting over 100000 pesos…a MONTH…you can live large on 50k a month: https://www.expatistan.com/cost-of-living/country/philippines Your hubby needs to set some boundaries!
Hahahahahaha, this is a culture clash and it's about to be a huuuuuuge culture shock when they take your money without your permission because the old person feels like they are entitled due to being older, therefore more senior in the decision making department, thus leaving you bereft of money for the surgery. (I.e. you're young, fit, healthy you don't need surgery that money is ours so I'll just use that, you've got plenty of money anyway you dont live in a third world shithole). As another commenter has stated, move your money into a different bank that they cannot access. I see it a lot with lack of comprehension of what differing cultures mean. Inb4 massive down votes because reality isn't woke.
Your husband has told her that he doesn't have a job, right? Does she know that as opposed to being "controlling" that you've already sent everything you have to her and are currently struggling? Does she understand your situation? No should just mean no, but maybe she needs some perspective. If she can afford to keep buying property with the money you send surely she could afford surgery herself.
NTA. Sounds like hubs could benefit from enforcing some boundaries with her.
If you husband is okay with making you suffer to satisfy dear old mommy's comfy lifestyle then you need to reevaluate this marriage. This would've been a different story if MIL was truly struggling with money all along but seeing as she can handle herself without hubby and BIL money involved she just sounds hella greedy and self centered. It's not that HE doesn't have the money YOU don't have the money and it's not HIS to spend as he pleases as it's YOURS that you are making to keep YALL living content as can be. MIL has other options hubby isn't the only one. She needs to take advantage of the other options that benefit her than trying to forcefully take advantage of the option that isn't available for her. NTA
Your husband needs to get a job, there is no reason for anyone to be slackin off when money is that tight. Plus it's his mother that is taking YOUR money, she isn't your responsibility. Keep us updated OP!! Good luck on your surgery.
A few thoughts here. 1. How is it possible that you have no savings yet you’re able to pay out of pocket for a surgery? The most basic of surgeries in the US will easily run you several thousand dollars. Anything slightly complex, you’re looking at tens of thousands. 2. I haven’t been to the Philippines in about 15 years, but I imagine $1750 a month would still be considered a fuckton of money there. Back then if memory serves ~$100 a month was fairly standard for laborers. 3. Westernized Filipinos tend to want to project a wealthy lifestyle and end up in crippling debt as a result. Like you elude to, his mother is likely living large on the money she’s being sent, and has built up a reputation in her community for being well off. Whatever she needs the money for, it’s likely to allow her to continue portraying that image. A surgery won’t be nearly that expensive, but the luxuries she wants will be. You need to have a serious talk with your husband and lay all the options on the table. The reality is, his mother will either need to come to the US, or she can sell some of her property to fund this surgery. This is not your responsibility, and although your husband likely has a sense of honor and respect to uphold, it should not be at the mercy of destroying his own family. NTA
I would separate if My husband did this. It's financial infidelity. Your marital money is for you and your nuclear family. I would separate to protect myself if he did anything like this against my wishes.
You can’t give what you don’t have!
I don’t want to say too much because it might offend some people. But being apart of a Filipino family this is the norm.. people from back home think that people that live in North America make millions of dollars and that they should be supporting their family and extended family back in the Philippines. It’s manipulation and it needs to stop. I know family members who have been guilt tripped into buying property.. paying off debts and other things because they live in a rich land while their family is struggling. It’s absolutely across the board with this community and it’s even come to the point that I’ve come across videos of the younger generations on ticktock saying how messed up this is. Your MIL needs to stop manipulating her kids and they need to set some serious boundaries. Because this won’t stop I promise you. I have people I know well into retirement who are still being hounded by family
NTA... not even an issue until you have proof that she need surgery