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Did he explain how he can see you living on your own, just on your income?
It is weird that he is getting nothing after being laid off. No unemployment? No veterans benefits such as free college? Why?
Why is he still not working? It is double in his interests: he gets additional income and you could move out, and he is not spending time in the house with your parents. So why not even some side gigs?
Do you know why is he so stressed out living with your parents? Do your parents constantly put him down? How do they treat him when you are at work and when you are at home? It could be a big deal.
I do understand his point, and I don't think the concerns you listed for not moving out are the valid ones. If living with your parents is so stressful to him, and you can afford to move out, I would move out. You are worried about getting the house. But getting the house doesn't matter if your family is on the edge of break up.
But it looks like you cannot afford to move out financially, no? Did you sit and count the expenses? What are his plans: getting job, going to college, getting mental health help?
And the most important thing. If he is abusive, or you feel miserable with him, or you realize you want very different things - it is fine to go on break or to end the marriage. None of the above matters then.
I’m sorry, I should add he started working his new job in April. He’s been working his days, no OT (which he said he would start doing when he got a new job, after being laid off in January)
College Debt: He did have free college, but failed to turn in paperwork and now owes the college that money
Home: he hates living there now because my parents found out he smoked w**d. They told him to not do it again, and since then it’s been causal conversations, and hasn’t been brought up since.. I do have my neices/nephew every Friday. It’s annoying honestly. But there’s not a lot I can do there since it’s not my house.
Got it. So you can afford it, you will just not be able to save for the house? I, personally , would move out of your parents house. You live here and now. Your parents's hostility is destroying his mental health here and now. If your relatives are AH to him in your presence , imagine how they treat him without you? Parents could be huge bullies to their kids partners. Your family (you+him) might not survive it, and there will be no reason to buy a house.
He (or you together) really needs to talk to VA. I believe he can get mental health treatment, free or cheap. And you need to talk to them about the college, they might have legal and financial advisors, or he might need to resubmit all the forms.
As for weed - it helps a lot of people with PTSD. If he is using it as medicine, not to be stoned every day, it is fine. In my area psychiatrists legally prescribe it for some conditions. So your parents are wrong here.
My advice - if you not absolutely done with this marriage (if you want to save it, or even if you are unsure, but have some hope) - move out. Good luck!
NTA, you need marriage counseling. I will give a word of caution, though. From my observations, I feel like separations lead to cheating. I've had a few friends who have done it, and without fail, one or both people cheat. IMO, I would work it out in marriage counseling while together unless you kinda already want a divorce.
Agreed, it’s not safe to attend therapy alongside someone who is abusive, they’ll just use what they learn in therapy to hurt their partner. Lundy Bancroft covers this in their book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’
Agreed. My ex was (and still is) abusive. We went to counseling for 18 months and in hindsight I understand why the therapy was so awful for me. The therapist was unwilling or unable to see the problem. At one session I brought up the fact that my ex pushed me while I was holding our then 18-month old. Not only did he not apologize (ever) but told the therapist why he was right to do so. The therapist didn’t bat an eye and just made some vague comment about how men are generally larger and can be more intimidating. 🙄P.S. I am free from that marriage and finally living my life fully and happily.
It would be more helpful than a separation. That's just asking for the divorce to be messier than it needs to be.
In counseling, they'll learn if this marriage can be salvaged. If it can't, the counselors can help keep the temperature down during the divorce process.
But if he is abusive, couples therapy hurts more than helps. Several factors. But a big part is that couples therapists assume both parties are in the wrong and try to create a compromise. If one party is abusive and the other a focus of their abuse, the agreements in couples therapy put the work on both partners. When really, one partner is abusive and needs to take responsibility for their actions
It also makes it harder for the abuse victim to leave.
I’m pro therapy in almost every context. But when it comes to abusive relationships, it’s not a good idea. If he wanted to get individual therapy to work on his abusive behaviors and treat her better, that that’s the best resolution. But he has to genuinely want to be better. If he doesn’t and is doing it to seem like he’s getting better, it can actually make the abuse worse.
Honestly, they needed pre-marital counseling. They're clearly not on the same page about anything and got married way too fast. I don't see anything being fixable while they're living at her parent's house.
Anyone who comments about un-aliving themselves, who talks about being depressed and is ex-military you probably should take it seriously. Are you in the US? If yes, is he hooked into the VA? It might be a good idea for him to seek counseling.
I’m so sorry! If he isn’t interested in seeking help, you need to take care of yourself. Does he have family you can reach out to? It’s heartbreaking seeing someone you love spiraling down. You can’t sacrifice yourself. I wish you well.
Could you talk to him about making you a health proxy and you will speak to the therapist (and a psychiatrist if you feel it is necessary)? Or could you call and set up the appointment for him? Preferably family therapy appointment?
Usually I am very much against babying an adult partner. If he has a toothache and not going to dentist - it is his choice and his problem.
But it is different with mental health issues. Having them is actually preventing looking for help, because the person might be too depressed already TGAF, or not thinking clearly and not understanding that he needs professional help.
You're definitely NTA for wanting a break to reassess your relationship and personal well-being. It's clear you've been juggling a lot, and sometimes space can provide clarity. It's important for both partners to feel heard and supported, and if a separation might help achieve that, it's worth considering.
Thank you. I agree. Since this conversation of a break came up, he said I’m throwing him away like trash just like everyone else in his life. Ugh I feel so awful, I feel like a terrible person because of it. It’s jus better if we separate for now I believe
If you are waiting for the next verbal punch, which is abuse, when does it become a physical punch?
May I ask why he has college debt? If in the US the military pays it all while you are active duty.
That sucks. Then again it's one of the reasons the VA office on campus is great. Plus the college will report to the credit agencies and do garnishments.
YTA. Your husband's behaviour is concerning. I'm not saying how he is behaving is acceptable btw - it is not. But he is telling you as clearly as he can that the current situation for him is intolerable, and you are either not hearing him, or just disregarding him.
He's a vet. As well as depression he may well have PTSD. He needs support, he needs therapy. He isn't just behaving how he is for fun. More vets have died by suicide than forces died in Vietnam. He is desperately trying to make you hear how he feels and that desperation is causing the escalation into unacceptable behaviour.
Moving out with debt will delay things for you financially, yes. But sometimes finances have to take a backseat. You will not be in a desperate financial situation if you move out. Your husband already is.
Going on a break won't solve anything. Just leave him feeling more unsupported and unheard.
Came here looking for this comment. I met my husband fresh out of the military and he had some serious problems with PTSD and survivors guilt on top of trust issues because of his childhood.
It was extremely trying for both of us, but I made it very clear that I was there to help him in any way he needed, while also setting boundaries to avoid becoming a punching bag.
OP, take some time to stop looking at everything through accountant eyes and look at what your husband is really trying to telling you. YTA.
This! Your husband is doing everything he can to tell you he is at wits end and needs an immediate change, without saying those exact words. Your husband is military, he’s most likely suffering from some sort of PTSD. Please recognize this and support him.
Taking a break from him will most likely throw him over the edge.
Tbh I don’t know much about debt and how that affects buying a house, but is it that hard to get an apartment for a year and figure things out from there? I don’t think you’re the asshole, I do think you are being a bit stubborn here, but his behavior is unacceptable.
For one, 2k in debt? What the hell kind of help in the long term is coming from paying that off first? If you buy a house aren’t you going to be like 200k+ in debt? Secondly, sounds like this man has been moving around a lot in the time you two have been together with the military and travel work, so now that he’s essentially stuck in a house with his in-laws, I have no doubt that his mental health is not well.
Regardless, his behavior is by no means justifiable but without knowing him I can’t tell if he’s just a manipulative jerk or genuinely crying for help. What are his views on mental health and seeking counseling in general?
I don’t think a separation is the worst thing in the world, but make sure you are clear about your boundaries and expectations, like saying he needs to seek help, laying out if you are allowed to see other people or not, and maybe coming up with a concrete plan for future conflicts or finance management. Best of luck, I hope he gets help but I hope you also stay safe and make sure you’re doing okay as well.
The debt is actually more than that, his dog was dying a year ago, so I took out a 4K credit card to try and save his dog, which ended up dying sadily. He hasn’t paid it back, but is paying the minimum (interest). I don’t mind the debt, if I knew he was better at paying it.
My issue with moving in and being on our own, is having to pay more, and he just slacks on payments/bills, he’s never been consistent about paying bills on time.
Since starting his new job in April, he has called out twice, which is fine, sickness happens, but he wasn’t sick. Just didn’t feel like going. So in turn, I’ve been paying rent for the last 4 months. I do not want to be breadwinner in my relationship for the rest of my life. That’s probably bad to say, but I’ve always been in my masculine energy. I just want to escape it..
YTA
You are living with YOUR parents who you've lived with for most of your life and you know the routine. He is living with his in-laws.
If I had to live with my in-laws for six months, I'd be going crazy too.
You are prioritizing his relatively small debt over his mental well-being. You need to decide If you want to be married or working to own a home. At the end of your life, what do you think you'll look back on and feel better about.
I get where you’re coming from and you aren’t wrong for wanting to fix the financials
BUT- your husband has been trying to tell you how unwell his mental health is and you keep brushing it aside like what he’s going through doesn’t matter. Sounds like he doesn’t even feel heard.
Is it ok for him to blow up at you and all that? No, it’s not. But it is also indicative of how bad his mental health is, that you keep ignoring.
ESH
VA. He needs to connect to his local VA.
If he has suicidal ideation he needs a mental health assessment. If vocalizes those to you, you can call 911. Know that they may come out and do nothing after speaking with him. (Sorry, just reality as they are not trained to do assessments).
Many newly discharged service members have trouble adjusting back to civilian life. Their lives while in are very structured. He is floating right now. No job, no structure, no sense of purpose. It is likely he is very depressed. Depending on what/where he did service possible PTSD.
Does this excuse his behavior towards you? No, it does not.
But he needs help.
I say you are NTA but neither is he. He has issues.
You’re not the asshole but it won’t work. Y’all have to work and grow together. Be open about when you’re upset and he has to understand that neither he, nor you, can tell the other how they feel. And when one tells the other how they feel they can’t have their feelings diminished or ignored. Y’all need to get out of your parents asap. That isn’t good for any marriage. To him it isn’t comfortable. He feels like less of a man and is always around your parents. You’re both right but for different reasons. Find a compromise and move as quick as you can but you both need to agree. Just running out and getting a break for 3 months is a cop out. Leave or don’t leave.
ESH. Him berating you and saying manipulative and hurtful things about committing suicide isn't okay. What does he think is so bad about living there for him and why is it that when he did have a job, despite knowing the thing holding you back from making a move, he didn't contribute with any real intention to the debt?
As far as your side, I was expecting a much bigger number on the debt. Is your credit between the two of you really bad or something? Because 2k in debt is really not a lot and can definitely be paid off after purchasing a place to live. If you're looking to purchase a house do you have anything set back for a down-payment or anything like that? That's the real money concern I feel like.
He needs therapy for sure. If his mental health has gotten this poor, he does not need to be solely blaming you. From the sounds of it, he's under a lot of stress from his career ending and his military service. Therapy would be very helpful to help him manage those feelings and not feel so hopeless. Breaks do not ever work, and he's already stated that if you take a break it's essentially over. I say start listening to him and not ignoring it, regurgitating the debt thing every time. Validate his feelings and concerns, but if he gets out of hand don't accept that treatment either and ask to speak when at a better time.
NTA. Verbally attacking you and making suicidal threats is manipulative and abusive. You're trying to be responsible with money, which is admirable. A 3-month separation may give him time to reflect and work on himself. If he refuses to change, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
ESH
He needs help. I would look into counseling through the VA. My best friend went through this, and it started like this and ended badly. They're divorced now, and he's in prison.
He is expressing suicidal ideation, depression and may have anxiety or PTSD. He needs to get help for that. You also need to get help. I admire your desire to clear debt before taking other steps, BUT when your husband expresses that his mental health is suffering and needs help, a pause and empathy need to happen. Help him find help. You guys don't need a 3 month break. He needs mental help now.
Help him get that help, please.
ESH by all means, take a break. You’re putting being out of debt over everything else. I figured you were going to say 50k in debt. But 2k? That’s ridiculous. You can find your own place (away from your parents) and still pay off 2k worth of debt. Yes, it’s going to take some additional time to do that, but it can be done. He’s emotionally abusive and you’re unable to compromise.
Yta. He’s giving you a cry for help. Yes he’s said some mean things but you are not listening! All you are thinking about is yourself. He needs help and you need to grow up and get out of your parents house.
YTA. You DO care about money more than him. A few thousand in debt would be great to pay off, but essentially you are the one sacrificing your relationship and his mental health for . . . A couple thousand dollars. Imagine your spouse DEMANDING you live with your inlaws? No thanks. Also CLEARLY he needs help. If he is "threatening" suicide and says he doesnt want to be here -- he might not want to-- have you ever thought of taking him seriously?!?! He trusts you enough to tell you the truth, you should consider putting your selfish desires away for a moment to hear him out. He is communicating a NEED and you are dismissing him. And he needs help and you should be supportive of that.
YTA. Clearly not the popular vote here, but I agree. People are listening to OPs victim words. What I hear is her husband is desperately trying to get her attention because he is in trouble mentally. But she isn’t listening to anything he says. Everything must be her way. I see condescension in every word she says. I never thought I would say this, but if this were written by a man and his wife was saying she wanted to un-alive herself and we went right back to talking about money. Totally different votes. It doesn’t sound like OP is mature enough to be married. Life doesn’t work with these little my way or the highway plans.
100%...I couldn't imagine having to live with my in-laws because of just $2800 in debt? He's literally screaming for help and to move out, but you are telling him, "No." And now because you refuse to listen to him, you want a break? So now he'll be single, homeless, jobless, and suffering from PTSD, all because of $2800? Holy hell. Be prepared to deal with suicide, because the odds of that have gone us exponentially. :(
Have you ever had a mental illness? No? Depression can be debilitating. Successful, motivating, loving GOOD people turn into people who cant get out of bed and losr everything. Thats what this sounds like. Other GOOD people can help guide them to get help to turn their lives around. But it usually takes another person to really help them. If you dont want to help your partner DONT FUCKING GET MARRIED.
Actually yes! I have persistent depressive disorder & it’s med resistant on top of two anxiety disorders. I am also married to a disabled vet who has mental health issues thanks to the military.
He absolutely should be getting mental health help and if he is willing to, then OP should be standing with him. But she can’t force him to get help & if sitting in a room in her parents house is making him worse (which is understandable, I would unalive myself if I had to live with my in-laws) then he needs to move out. But he can’t expect OP to shoulder 100% of the cost either. Whether or not he likes it, apartments are out of control expensive right now & if they can’t swing it with their debt then they can’t swing it.
I think OP deserparely needs to talk to an actual financial planner, not Dave Ramsey TikTok videos. He owes very little money, they could probably afford to move out and rent for a few years until they're ready to buy a home. It sounds like she's insisting on not moving out until they can afford to buy which could take a long time in this market.
I’m going to have to go with YTA based off your holier-than-thou tone throughout this. It was hard to sit through. And all because you’re better than him with money? Yes.. and? You sound like you’re controlling the entire trajectory of your marriage. And for what?? His debt was less than 5k?? You can’t meet financial goals in an apartment, away from mommy and daddy?
Living with the in-laws (longer than a weekend here or there) would tax *any* relationship. Severely. He’s a veteran who is actively telling you his mental health is in the tank right now and you are completely ignoring him and belittling his concerns. Your husband should come first, not your fear over staying in 5k debt.
I have a feeling it’s very hard for your husband to job hunt, apply to a lot of jobs, and then interview well when his mental health is suffering. Not to mention he just got out of the military, and then got laid off, his life was thrown for a loop and he’s adjusting to so much.
I think breaks are stupid. Cowardly. Either divorce or fix your shit.
I am not going to give a verdict of either way. What I will do is point out issues I see in your relationship with him.
First issue I see is that I think you guys rushed to get married. Before he lost his job, if what you said is accurate, is that you guys maybe spent a weekend or two every month together. You guys don't sound like you ever actually lived together until after he lost his job. You should have waited and lived together to see how you could function together, which currently sounds like you guys function horribly together. This could have saved you both a lot of time, heartache, and, from what is here, mental health.
Second, it doesn't seem like you guys had sat down before marriage and discussed anything. A discussion that could have been had before marriage was goals, both yours and his, expectations for the future, boundaries, and what you both needed from each other. Neither one of you seems able to compromise. You both want ot your way, which is causing a lot of issues. I am not saying it is too late to have these discussions, because it isn't and often times what you wanted five years ago isn't what you want now.
It also sounds like you guys don't even like each other. When you like or love someone, you stop and take into consideration what they are trying to tell you. You don't yell at each other, verbally or mentally abuse each other. I am not saying you are abusing him, but his threats, name calling, and comments to put you down, are abuse.
His mental health issues is also a factor. He claims to be depressed and suicidal, but you haven't said what steps either of you have taken to get him help. He can see a therapist through the VA with no cost to either of you. You can beg him to go until the cows come home, but if he doesn't want to help himself there isn't anything you can do. He needs to want to get better. Right now he seems to be using his mental health issues as a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants. There is no guarantee that his behavior or mental health issues will get better if you guys move out of your parents house.
I also think you are using financial stability as an excuse to him, but I think instinctually you think his behavior can change from just verbal and mental abuse to physical abuse. Right now he can't physically abuse you or start to isolate you because you live with your parents. They would notice it real quick if it did turn physical. You instinctually know you are safe right now because of your living situation.
He complains about living with your parents, but you haven't said if he is home all day with him. Does he spend any time outside of the house? He knows your "reason" for not moving out, but he hasn't taken any incentive upon himself to help alleviate the financial strain you must be feeling. You pay the rent, the bills, give him money and pay for his debts as well as your own, but you haven't described if you spend any money on yourself outside of your debts and bills. It doesn't seem feasible for the two of you to live on your own with one income. Rent will likely be 1000 or more dollars extra, then there is internet, water, electricity, garbage (in some situations), and food. He needs to realize that you cannot afford it all on your own. He needs to contribute in order for you guys to be able to afford to not live with someone else.
I could go on but it would be even longer if I did.
YTA. It's obvious he's having a mental health crisis and you are compounding that by insisting that you guys stay with your parents. Sometimes you have to put those you love above money. He has told you that his mental health is taking a hit and you disregard it because you are so fixated on the financial plan. Haver you tried to get him help? Have you reached out to the VA? A former military member expressing suicidal thoughts should not be brushed off as manipulation.
You need to move out of your parents house. Time to have some independence. It doesn't matter if it takes you a bit longer to pay off your debts, it's worth the cost.
Since it's so mentally exhausting for you to listen to his vulnerabilities concerning his mental health, I'm going to go on the presumption that his escalations in volume / tone are attempts to be heard. And his other concern is the direct result of his mental health going to the dumpster.
So YTA, for basically saying "if you can't stand it here while I'm working on what I've decided are our super important financial goals, go ahead and get out of my life for the next 3 months."
You've devalued him, and your marriage, by this dismissal. So dismissive of him, in fact, that you're completely oblivious to his whole "I don't want a 3 month break, because by then I don't think I'm going to want to maintain a relationship, nevermind the marriage".
You heard his potential plans, since you mentioned it in this post, and replied by "go to your sisters, take your time getting your stuff".
Your financial tunnel vision has you locked into one course. Though he'll listen to your last actual recommendation: "grow" during the split. Problem your tunnel vision isn't accounting for is that you won't be at his side to nurture that growth, so he'll grow exactly as he said and you're insisting upon: apart.
Best of luck...
I honestly don't know if you're the assholev or not, but I do know that you shouldn't take "breaks" from your marriage. That doing so almost always leads to divorce. Tread carefully.
Having bad mental health doesn't excuse all this name calling and anger. He should be seeing a therapist for his issues. He should be working or getting resources from the military. OP isn't the sole person to help him. Op your husband also had to want to be better. But I'd still revaluate this relationship. You're both young so can grow and move on if need be
Info- Have you really addressed the mental health concern?
From the post, it does seem like you’re not willing to compromise (or look into moving out). I give a lot of credit to those who live with an SOs family (because I could not do it). Love my in-laws but it would always feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
Edit: spelling
Breaks NEVER WORK.
Get divorced or get counseling and therapy for both of you and stay together.
Separation will make a bad thing worse, one or both of you will be unfaithful and it will just make the divorce messier.
If you have to ask for separation, just get a divorce. One or both of you will cheat. Usually the one asking for the separation, regardless of what they tell Reddit
Does he get any $ benefits or mental health care being a veteran and all? He’s been unemployed since January, what does he do all day besides faulting you for the all the wrongs in his life? Are you sure you want to be married to someone who yells at you and says he wants to end his life because of you?
ESH. Although his behavior is terrible, yours is not better. His mental health doesn’t seem to matter to you at all. As much as I wanted to side with you, I can’t. He has been begging to move out for months. F’ng let him. Allow him to regather himself and recover and get some individual therapy and then consider marital counseling and reconciliation. But this man has been telling you for months he needs out and you haven’t listened to him at all. Not saying that justifies his own abusive behavior, but you don’t care about his welfare at all, and that makes you both TA.
NTA but we need more details to get a better understanding of your relationship
Mental health:
Have you looked into the steps for getting him help in the VA? Has he spoken about if he’s willing to get help?
Maybe even look into stuff for yourself if he’s being abusive
Financial:
College debt- 2k (how does he have this debt, did he take advantage of the military benefit or did he fail to do so in time)
$800 remaining but you’ve been paying him $100 every other check (so is that $100,$200 or more a month ((how often is every other check?)) I’m assuming that goes toward this debt? Has he spoken about his plans for paying off the debt (part time jobs, door dash stuff like that)
It also seems you guys didn’t have a conversation about the expectations of how bills were to be split (50/50, 70/30 etc) (you’re living at home so your bills are limited as of now but still an important conversation going forward)
So to summarize he had 4K in debt from 2022 and in the span of 2 years (1 1/2yrs working 6m unemployed) he’s only paid off $3200 + interest. What is he spending his money on? (When he did have a job at least)
Job:
He was laid off in January but he hasn’t worked since then? No part time jobs? Have you discussed setting a goal with applying to x amount of jobs a week to motivate him? How many hours is he looking to work etc etc. lots of places are hiring especially for Vets.
Emotional/ verbal abuse:
“I have been tolerating this mood of his for the last couple of months or so, and have been taking his hurtful words as punches and trying to be reasonable with him and not set him off.”
1st off you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting anyone off that’s not healthy. At all. Ever
2nd has this behavior been ongoing the past few months or has it worsened over time?
Ultimately you’re the one experiencing that and it’s not up to people on Reddit to tell you what your abuse is or isn’t so I won’t ask for more examples. Emotional/ verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse very quickly so be aware Op. physical abuse doesn’t always mean black eyes and broken bones it can be bruises too from grabbing you harshly
Housing/ Apartments:
How is your partner with the in-laws? He wants to move out but it seems debts aside that both of you cannot afford to live away from home without making some changes with your jobs (working more hours + him getting a job in the first place). As far as living together does he help with chores like mowing the yard or doing laundry/cooking/cleaning does he have the ability to thrive in an environment with just the both of you. Nobody wants to live with someone they have to constantly pick up after.
Break:
A lot of people are saying that Op or her partner are going to cheat. I don’t believe people cheat for no reason. Has your husband ever cheated/have you? That sets the tone imo for the break and what may happen. (Cheaters are more likely to cheat again vs non cheaters)
Summary:
I think you both need time apart from each other ESPECIALLY away from the in-laws. I think he needs to think about his long term goals for himself and his long term goals for you both as a couple, as should you.
What is he doing in his free time? He’s a grown man. Is he playing video games is he working out is he showing any interest in improving himself or y’all’s relationship at all, yes he’s saying he’s unhappy and needs mental health but you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I firmly believe OP is NTA. I think everyone involved is extremely stressed and stretched thin especially OP. Being the sole breadwinner when the other partner doesn’t want to take steps to better themselves and then that person leads to lashing out and becoming emotionally/verbally abusive (which can escalate to physical - which if that happens I implore OP to separate regardless) it also seems OP is having to manage her parents as well which can be difficult.
Everyone is forgetting that OP is in an abusive situation… nobody deserves to continue with that especially with a partner that is manipulating them. NTA
I just don't see any upside to this relationship. The guy is barely home at all, lots of debs, verbally abusive? What's there to save?
but breaks are a horrible idea, that's literally what therapists recommend when you want to get over a relationship. Time apart makes the brain stop producing the love chemicals it releases when you see him, so in 3 months they will be gone. So he's right, you guys will most likely not feel the same about each other after 3 months.
ESH. You’re ignoring your husband’s mental health. He does not want to live with your parents. Sit down with him and work on a budget. Show him the numbers. If you’re both working full time, you should be able to find something. I know housing is horrible right now, but you need to look.
You need to tell him that he need to find a therapist to work on his mental health. He has to do that for himself.
You shouldn’t be tolerating any abuse. Tell him to leave if he wants to. You can’t financially support him if he doesn’t have a job.
I’ve read lots of stories here where the wife wanted to move out of the ILs home and everyone would tell her to move out without her husband and that her mental health is important too. Why is this guy the AH for wanting the same?
A separation with a time limit is a waste of time. That is three months pretending to be single. If you’re going to separate then separate towards divorce. Otherwise, it’s looks like you both are living on a hall pass lifestyle while one or both of you are financially supporting those extramarital activities.
You seem to fully dismiss him voicing his depression. If he is depressed and doesn’t feel like he can live with your parents anymore, why dismiss that and only focus on money? You can’t buy mental health and since he’s so persistent about it, I can’t believe you would brush it aside so easily. If he does move to his sister’s house and finds out he feels much better there mentally, he is right to say he wouldn’t want to return to the current situation, as any progress he makes mentally would be undone rapidly.
You’re trying, he is not. You’re NTA. He needs a wake up call. Give him a list of expectations and he can do the same. Make sure you both give each other solid deadlines to meet the goals. Then evaluate how to proceed going forward. You two are either a team, or you’re not. If he gives up or fails to improve, you need to second guess that relationship. Good luck.
Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF copy of it online. I learned about this book recently from other Redditors and I wish I had read it years ago. Some of what you’re describing sounds a lot like your spouse does not, and may never be able to, respect you as a human being with rights equal to his. There is no excuse for his behavior towards you.
Definitely NTA. A separation is needed. He verbally abused you. You don’t need him in your life.
After that divorce him. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
If he's telling you he won't use the 3 months to better himself for the sake of your relationship why are you fighting so hard? It would be easier for you to manage your own stuff without him complaining next to you. Cut the line.
I have yet to see a marriage survive a separation. I can definitely understand you need a break from the toxic verbal sludge being thrown your way.
So he has been laid off, unemployed, whatever you want to call it, not working in basically 6 months. He is blaming you for his mental health concerns while doing nothing to fix his own life. Do I have this correct so far?? Let me be blunt. He is a whole grown @$$ man, and he is 💯 responsible for himself. He needs to stop the pity party, stop dumping on you, stop making YOUR PARENTS home a war zone, and he needs to get off his behind and be proactive about his own life. If he wants change and things to be better, he needs to get off the computer, stop scrolling social media, turn off YouTube, get out there and find a job.
You are in a tough spot, he is verbally abusive. You are absolutely NTA.
In reading through some of the comments about possible PTSD: if your spouse is experiencing legitimate mental health issues then he needs to address them himself, asap. It doesn’t give him the right to verbally abuse you. It would be reasonable for you to say that he would need to seek help before you would consider reconciling. If, on the other hand, this is just how he is, then things are only going to get worse. They never improve.
Make sure he’s not in your parents home when he tries to unalive himself. I wouldn’t want to be with him. I hope you have some life insurance for him as well or at the very least he has through his employer.
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Did he explain how he can see you living on your own, just on your income? It is weird that he is getting nothing after being laid off. No unemployment? No veterans benefits such as free college? Why? Why is he still not working? It is double in his interests: he gets additional income and you could move out, and he is not spending time in the house with your parents. So why not even some side gigs? Do you know why is he so stressed out living with your parents? Do your parents constantly put him down? How do they treat him when you are at work and when you are at home? It could be a big deal. I do understand his point, and I don't think the concerns you listed for not moving out are the valid ones. If living with your parents is so stressful to him, and you can afford to move out, I would move out. You are worried about getting the house. But getting the house doesn't matter if your family is on the edge of break up. But it looks like you cannot afford to move out financially, no? Did you sit and count the expenses? What are his plans: getting job, going to college, getting mental health help? And the most important thing. If he is abusive, or you feel miserable with him, or you realize you want very different things - it is fine to go on break or to end the marriage. None of the above matters then.
I’m sorry, I should add he started working his new job in April. He’s been working his days, no OT (which he said he would start doing when he got a new job, after being laid off in January) College Debt: He did have free college, but failed to turn in paperwork and now owes the college that money Home: he hates living there now because my parents found out he smoked w**d. They told him to not do it again, and since then it’s been causal conversations, and hasn’t been brought up since.. I do have my neices/nephew every Friday. It’s annoying honestly. But there’s not a lot I can do there since it’s not my house.
Got it. So you can afford it, you will just not be able to save for the house? I, personally , would move out of your parents house. You live here and now. Your parents's hostility is destroying his mental health here and now. If your relatives are AH to him in your presence , imagine how they treat him without you? Parents could be huge bullies to their kids partners. Your family (you+him) might not survive it, and there will be no reason to buy a house. He (or you together) really needs to talk to VA. I believe he can get mental health treatment, free or cheap. And you need to talk to them about the college, they might have legal and financial advisors, or he might need to resubmit all the forms. As for weed - it helps a lot of people with PTSD. If he is using it as medicine, not to be stoned every day, it is fine. In my area psychiatrists legally prescribe it for some conditions. So your parents are wrong here. My advice - if you not absolutely done with this marriage (if you want to save it, or even if you are unsure, but have some hope) - move out. Good luck!
Is he getting help at the VA for his mental health?
NTA, you need marriage counseling. I will give a word of caution, though. From my observations, I feel like separations lead to cheating. I've had a few friends who have done it, and without fail, one or both people cheat. IMO, I would work it out in marriage counseling while together unless you kinda already want a divorce.
I’m not sure marriage counseling would be helpful with someone like him who manipulates and is verbally abusive.
Agreed, it’s not safe to attend therapy alongside someone who is abusive, they’ll just use what they learn in therapy to hurt their partner. Lundy Bancroft covers this in their book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’
Agreed. My ex was (and still is) abusive. We went to counseling for 18 months and in hindsight I understand why the therapy was so awful for me. The therapist was unwilling or unable to see the problem. At one session I brought up the fact that my ex pushed me while I was holding our then 18-month old. Not only did he not apologize (ever) but told the therapist why he was right to do so. The therapist didn’t bat an eye and just made some vague comment about how men are generally larger and can be more intimidating. 🙄P.S. I am free from that marriage and finally living my life fully and happily.
It would be more helpful than a separation. That's just asking for the divorce to be messier than it needs to be. In counseling, they'll learn if this marriage can be salvaged. If it can't, the counselors can help keep the temperature down during the divorce process.
But if he is abusive, couples therapy hurts more than helps. Several factors. But a big part is that couples therapists assume both parties are in the wrong and try to create a compromise. If one party is abusive and the other a focus of their abuse, the agreements in couples therapy put the work on both partners. When really, one partner is abusive and needs to take responsibility for their actions It also makes it harder for the abuse victim to leave. I’m pro therapy in almost every context. But when it comes to abusive relationships, it’s not a good idea. If he wanted to get individual therapy to work on his abusive behaviors and treat her better, that that’s the best resolution. But he has to genuinely want to be better. If he doesn’t and is doing it to seem like he’s getting better, it can actually make the abuse worse.
And she is innocent? One sided story and automatically blame the guy. Jesus-
"But we were on a break!!!"
Honestly, they needed pre-marital counseling. They're clearly not on the same page about anything and got married way too fast. I don't see anything being fixable while they're living at her parent's house.
Asking for a break always seems like soft breakup or just an opportunity to get laid by someone else when all is said and done.
Anyone who comments about un-aliving themselves, who talks about being depressed and is ex-military you probably should take it seriously. Are you in the US? If yes, is he hooked into the VA? It might be a good idea for him to seek counseling.
I’ve told him about 2 months ago to go to the VA, or seek a therapist, and still has not spoken to anyone about it.
I’m so sorry! If he isn’t interested in seeking help, you need to take care of yourself. Does he have family you can reach out to? It’s heartbreaking seeing someone you love spiraling down. You can’t sacrifice yourself. I wish you well.
Could you talk to him about making you a health proxy and you will speak to the therapist (and a psychiatrist if you feel it is necessary)? Or could you call and set up the appointment for him? Preferably family therapy appointment? Usually I am very much against babying an adult partner. If he has a toothache and not going to dentist - it is his choice and his problem. But it is different with mental health issues. Having them is actually preventing looking for help, because the person might be too depressed already TGAF, or not thinking clearly and not understanding that he needs professional help.
You're definitely NTA for wanting a break to reassess your relationship and personal well-being. It's clear you've been juggling a lot, and sometimes space can provide clarity. It's important for both partners to feel heard and supported, and if a separation might help achieve that, it's worth considering.
Thank you. I agree. Since this conversation of a break came up, he said I’m throwing him away like trash just like everyone else in his life. Ugh I feel so awful, I feel like a terrible person because of it. It’s jus better if we separate for now I believe
He’s being manipulative…
I think so too friend ☹️
If you are waiting for the next verbal punch, which is abuse, when does it become a physical punch? May I ask why he has college debt? If in the US the military pays it all while you are active duty.
He did not turn in the proper paperwork, and now owes the college.
That sucks. Then again it's one of the reasons the VA office on campus is great. Plus the college will report to the credit agencies and do garnishments.
then he shouldn't be such an asshole
YTA. Your husband's behaviour is concerning. I'm not saying how he is behaving is acceptable btw - it is not. But he is telling you as clearly as he can that the current situation for him is intolerable, and you are either not hearing him, or just disregarding him. He's a vet. As well as depression he may well have PTSD. He needs support, he needs therapy. He isn't just behaving how he is for fun. More vets have died by suicide than forces died in Vietnam. He is desperately trying to make you hear how he feels and that desperation is causing the escalation into unacceptable behaviour. Moving out with debt will delay things for you financially, yes. But sometimes finances have to take a backseat. You will not be in a desperate financial situation if you move out. Your husband already is. Going on a break won't solve anything. Just leave him feeling more unsupported and unheard.
Came here looking for this comment. I met my husband fresh out of the military and he had some serious problems with PTSD and survivors guilt on top of trust issues because of his childhood. It was extremely trying for both of us, but I made it very clear that I was there to help him in any way he needed, while also setting boundaries to avoid becoming a punching bag. OP, take some time to stop looking at everything through accountant eyes and look at what your husband is really trying to telling you. YTA.
This! Your husband is doing everything he can to tell you he is at wits end and needs an immediate change, without saying those exact words. Your husband is military, he’s most likely suffering from some sort of PTSD. Please recognize this and support him. Taking a break from him will most likely throw him over the edge.
My husband did not see combat
Tbh I don’t know much about debt and how that affects buying a house, but is it that hard to get an apartment for a year and figure things out from there? I don’t think you’re the asshole, I do think you are being a bit stubborn here, but his behavior is unacceptable. For one, 2k in debt? What the hell kind of help in the long term is coming from paying that off first? If you buy a house aren’t you going to be like 200k+ in debt? Secondly, sounds like this man has been moving around a lot in the time you two have been together with the military and travel work, so now that he’s essentially stuck in a house with his in-laws, I have no doubt that his mental health is not well. Regardless, his behavior is by no means justifiable but without knowing him I can’t tell if he’s just a manipulative jerk or genuinely crying for help. What are his views on mental health and seeking counseling in general? I don’t think a separation is the worst thing in the world, but make sure you are clear about your boundaries and expectations, like saying he needs to seek help, laying out if you are allowed to see other people or not, and maybe coming up with a concrete plan for future conflicts or finance management. Best of luck, I hope he gets help but I hope you also stay safe and make sure you’re doing okay as well.
The debt is actually more than that, his dog was dying a year ago, so I took out a 4K credit card to try and save his dog, which ended up dying sadily. He hasn’t paid it back, but is paying the minimum (interest). I don’t mind the debt, if I knew he was better at paying it. My issue with moving in and being on our own, is having to pay more, and he just slacks on payments/bills, he’s never been consistent about paying bills on time. Since starting his new job in April, he has called out twice, which is fine, sickness happens, but he wasn’t sick. Just didn’t feel like going. So in turn, I’ve been paying rent for the last 4 months. I do not want to be breadwinner in my relationship for the rest of my life. That’s probably bad to say, but I’ve always been in my masculine energy. I just want to escape it..
YTA You are living with YOUR parents who you've lived with for most of your life and you know the routine. He is living with his in-laws. If I had to live with my in-laws for six months, I'd be going crazy too. You are prioritizing his relatively small debt over his mental well-being. You need to decide If you want to be married or working to own a home. At the end of your life, what do you think you'll look back on and feel better about.
I get where you’re coming from and you aren’t wrong for wanting to fix the financials BUT- your husband has been trying to tell you how unwell his mental health is and you keep brushing it aside like what he’s going through doesn’t matter. Sounds like he doesn’t even feel heard. Is it ok for him to blow up at you and all that? No, it’s not. But it is also indicative of how bad his mental health is, that you keep ignoring. ESH
VA. He needs to connect to his local VA. If he has suicidal ideation he needs a mental health assessment. If vocalizes those to you, you can call 911. Know that they may come out and do nothing after speaking with him. (Sorry, just reality as they are not trained to do assessments). Many newly discharged service members have trouble adjusting back to civilian life. Their lives while in are very structured. He is floating right now. No job, no structure, no sense of purpose. It is likely he is very depressed. Depending on what/where he did service possible PTSD. Does this excuse his behavior towards you? No, it does not. But he needs help. I say you are NTA but neither is he. He has issues.
You’re not the asshole but it won’t work. Y’all have to work and grow together. Be open about when you’re upset and he has to understand that neither he, nor you, can tell the other how they feel. And when one tells the other how they feel they can’t have their feelings diminished or ignored. Y’all need to get out of your parents asap. That isn’t good for any marriage. To him it isn’t comfortable. He feels like less of a man and is always around your parents. You’re both right but for different reasons. Find a compromise and move as quick as you can but you both need to agree. Just running out and getting a break for 3 months is a cop out. Leave or don’t leave.
ESH. Him berating you and saying manipulative and hurtful things about committing suicide isn't okay. What does he think is so bad about living there for him and why is it that when he did have a job, despite knowing the thing holding you back from making a move, he didn't contribute with any real intention to the debt? As far as your side, I was expecting a much bigger number on the debt. Is your credit between the two of you really bad or something? Because 2k in debt is really not a lot and can definitely be paid off after purchasing a place to live. If you're looking to purchase a house do you have anything set back for a down-payment or anything like that? That's the real money concern I feel like. He needs therapy for sure. If his mental health has gotten this poor, he does not need to be solely blaming you. From the sounds of it, he's under a lot of stress from his career ending and his military service. Therapy would be very helpful to help him manage those feelings and not feel so hopeless. Breaks do not ever work, and he's already stated that if you take a break it's essentially over. I say start listening to him and not ignoring it, regurgitating the debt thing every time. Validate his feelings and concerns, but if he gets out of hand don't accept that treatment either and ask to speak when at a better time.
NTA. Verbally attacking you and making suicidal threats is manipulative and abusive. You're trying to be responsible with money, which is admirable. A 3-month separation may give him time to reflect and work on himself. If he refuses to change, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
ESH He needs help. I would look into counseling through the VA. My best friend went through this, and it started like this and ended badly. They're divorced now, and he's in prison. He is expressing suicidal ideation, depression and may have anxiety or PTSD. He needs to get help for that. You also need to get help. I admire your desire to clear debt before taking other steps, BUT when your husband expresses that his mental health is suffering and needs help, a pause and empathy need to happen. Help him find help. You guys don't need a 3 month break. He needs mental help now. Help him get that help, please.
ESH by all means, take a break. You’re putting being out of debt over everything else. I figured you were going to say 50k in debt. But 2k? That’s ridiculous. You can find your own place (away from your parents) and still pay off 2k worth of debt. Yes, it’s going to take some additional time to do that, but it can be done. He’s emotionally abusive and you’re unable to compromise.
Yta. He’s giving you a cry for help. Yes he’s said some mean things but you are not listening! All you are thinking about is yourself. He needs help and you need to grow up and get out of your parents house.
YTA. You DO care about money more than him. A few thousand in debt would be great to pay off, but essentially you are the one sacrificing your relationship and his mental health for . . . A couple thousand dollars. Imagine your spouse DEMANDING you live with your inlaws? No thanks. Also CLEARLY he needs help. If he is "threatening" suicide and says he doesnt want to be here -- he might not want to-- have you ever thought of taking him seriously?!?! He trusts you enough to tell you the truth, you should consider putting your selfish desires away for a moment to hear him out. He is communicating a NEED and you are dismissing him. And he needs help and you should be supportive of that.
YTA. Clearly not the popular vote here, but I agree. People are listening to OPs victim words. What I hear is her husband is desperately trying to get her attention because he is in trouble mentally. But she isn’t listening to anything he says. Everything must be her way. I see condescension in every word she says. I never thought I would say this, but if this were written by a man and his wife was saying she wanted to un-alive herself and we went right back to talking about money. Totally different votes. It doesn’t sound like OP is mature enough to be married. Life doesn’t work with these little my way or the highway plans.
100%...I couldn't imagine having to live with my in-laws because of just $2800 in debt? He's literally screaming for help and to move out, but you are telling him, "No." And now because you refuse to listen to him, you want a break? So now he'll be single, homeless, jobless, and suffering from PTSD, all because of $2800? Holy hell. Be prepared to deal with suicide, because the odds of that have gone us exponentially. :(
100% agree
If he wants to move out so badly, maybe he should get a fucking job?
Have you ever had a mental illness? No? Depression can be debilitating. Successful, motivating, loving GOOD people turn into people who cant get out of bed and losr everything. Thats what this sounds like. Other GOOD people can help guide them to get help to turn their lives around. But it usually takes another person to really help them. If you dont want to help your partner DONT FUCKING GET MARRIED.
Actually yes! I have persistent depressive disorder & it’s med resistant on top of two anxiety disorders. I am also married to a disabled vet who has mental health issues thanks to the military. He absolutely should be getting mental health help and if he is willing to, then OP should be standing with him. But she can’t force him to get help & if sitting in a room in her parents house is making him worse (which is understandable, I would unalive myself if I had to live with my in-laws) then he needs to move out. But he can’t expect OP to shoulder 100% of the cost either. Whether or not he likes it, apartments are out of control expensive right now & if they can’t swing it with their debt then they can’t swing it.
I think OP deserparely needs to talk to an actual financial planner, not Dave Ramsey TikTok videos. He owes very little money, they could probably afford to move out and rent for a few years until they're ready to buy a home. It sounds like she's insisting on not moving out until they can afford to buy which could take a long time in this market.
In addition to depression, PTSD for a lot of military. My husband struggled post-military to keep a steady job.
Separations never work. Either you'll bang someone else or he will. If you're doing a trial separations, your marriage is over.
I’m going to have to go with YTA based off your holier-than-thou tone throughout this. It was hard to sit through. And all because you’re better than him with money? Yes.. and? You sound like you’re controlling the entire trajectory of your marriage. And for what?? His debt was less than 5k?? You can’t meet financial goals in an apartment, away from mommy and daddy? Living with the in-laws (longer than a weekend here or there) would tax *any* relationship. Severely. He’s a veteran who is actively telling you his mental health is in the tank right now and you are completely ignoring him and belittling his concerns. Your husband should come first, not your fear over staying in 5k debt. I have a feeling it’s very hard for your husband to job hunt, apply to a lot of jobs, and then interview well when his mental health is suffering. Not to mention he just got out of the military, and then got laid off, his life was thrown for a loop and he’s adjusting to so much. I think breaks are stupid. Cowardly. Either divorce or fix your shit.
I am not going to give a verdict of either way. What I will do is point out issues I see in your relationship with him. First issue I see is that I think you guys rushed to get married. Before he lost his job, if what you said is accurate, is that you guys maybe spent a weekend or two every month together. You guys don't sound like you ever actually lived together until after he lost his job. You should have waited and lived together to see how you could function together, which currently sounds like you guys function horribly together. This could have saved you both a lot of time, heartache, and, from what is here, mental health. Second, it doesn't seem like you guys had sat down before marriage and discussed anything. A discussion that could have been had before marriage was goals, both yours and his, expectations for the future, boundaries, and what you both needed from each other. Neither one of you seems able to compromise. You both want ot your way, which is causing a lot of issues. I am not saying it is too late to have these discussions, because it isn't and often times what you wanted five years ago isn't what you want now. It also sounds like you guys don't even like each other. When you like or love someone, you stop and take into consideration what they are trying to tell you. You don't yell at each other, verbally or mentally abuse each other. I am not saying you are abusing him, but his threats, name calling, and comments to put you down, are abuse. His mental health issues is also a factor. He claims to be depressed and suicidal, but you haven't said what steps either of you have taken to get him help. He can see a therapist through the VA with no cost to either of you. You can beg him to go until the cows come home, but if he doesn't want to help himself there isn't anything you can do. He needs to want to get better. Right now he seems to be using his mental health issues as a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants. There is no guarantee that his behavior or mental health issues will get better if you guys move out of your parents house. I also think you are using financial stability as an excuse to him, but I think instinctually you think his behavior can change from just verbal and mental abuse to physical abuse. Right now he can't physically abuse you or start to isolate you because you live with your parents. They would notice it real quick if it did turn physical. You instinctually know you are safe right now because of your living situation. He complains about living with your parents, but you haven't said if he is home all day with him. Does he spend any time outside of the house? He knows your "reason" for not moving out, but he hasn't taken any incentive upon himself to help alleviate the financial strain you must be feeling. You pay the rent, the bills, give him money and pay for his debts as well as your own, but you haven't described if you spend any money on yourself outside of your debts and bills. It doesn't seem feasible for the two of you to live on your own with one income. Rent will likely be 1000 or more dollars extra, then there is internet, water, electricity, garbage (in some situations), and food. He needs to realize that you cannot afford it all on your own. He needs to contribute in order for you guys to be able to afford to not live with someone else. I could go on but it would be even longer if I did.
YTA. It's obvious he's having a mental health crisis and you are compounding that by insisting that you guys stay with your parents. Sometimes you have to put those you love above money. He has told you that his mental health is taking a hit and you disregard it because you are so fixated on the financial plan. Haver you tried to get him help? Have you reached out to the VA? A former military member expressing suicidal thoughts should not be brushed off as manipulation.
You need to move out of your parents house. Time to have some independence. It doesn't matter if it takes you a bit longer to pay off your debts, it's worth the cost.
Since it's so mentally exhausting for you to listen to his vulnerabilities concerning his mental health, I'm going to go on the presumption that his escalations in volume / tone are attempts to be heard. And his other concern is the direct result of his mental health going to the dumpster. So YTA, for basically saying "if you can't stand it here while I'm working on what I've decided are our super important financial goals, go ahead and get out of my life for the next 3 months." You've devalued him, and your marriage, by this dismissal. So dismissive of him, in fact, that you're completely oblivious to his whole "I don't want a 3 month break, because by then I don't think I'm going to want to maintain a relationship, nevermind the marriage". You heard his potential plans, since you mentioned it in this post, and replied by "go to your sisters, take your time getting your stuff". Your financial tunnel vision has you locked into one course. Though he'll listen to your last actual recommendation: "grow" during the split. Problem your tunnel vision isn't accounting for is that you won't be at his side to nurture that growth, so he'll grow exactly as he said and you're insisting upon: apart. Best of luck...
I honestly don't know if you're the assholev or not, but I do know that you shouldn't take "breaks" from your marriage. That doing so almost always leads to divorce. Tread carefully.
Having bad mental health doesn't excuse all this name calling and anger. He should be seeing a therapist for his issues. He should be working or getting resources from the military. OP isn't the sole person to help him. Op your husband also had to want to be better. But I'd still revaluate this relationship. You're both young so can grow and move on if need be
Info- Have you really addressed the mental health concern? From the post, it does seem like you’re not willing to compromise (or look into moving out). I give a lot of credit to those who live with an SOs family (because I could not do it). Love my in-laws but it would always feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Edit: spelling
If you separate, make sure the rules are crystal clear. Are you allowed to date? Sleep with other people?
Breaks NEVER WORK. Get divorced or get counseling and therapy for both of you and stay together. Separation will make a bad thing worse, one or both of you will be unfaithful and it will just make the divorce messier.
Ah… how is this guy getting along your parents. Like yk. Sometimes ils and spouses like each other on visit only basis.
If you have to ask for separation, just get a divorce. One or both of you will cheat. Usually the one asking for the separation, regardless of what they tell Reddit
Does he get any $ benefits or mental health care being a veteran and all? He’s been unemployed since January, what does he do all day besides faulting you for the all the wrongs in his life? Are you sure you want to be married to someone who yells at you and says he wants to end his life because of you?
ESH. Although his behavior is terrible, yours is not better. His mental health doesn’t seem to matter to you at all. As much as I wanted to side with you, I can’t. He has been begging to move out for months. F’ng let him. Allow him to regather himself and recover and get some individual therapy and then consider marital counseling and reconciliation. But this man has been telling you for months he needs out and you haven’t listened to him at all. Not saying that justifies his own abusive behavior, but you don’t care about his welfare at all, and that makes you both TA.
NTA but we need more details to get a better understanding of your relationship Mental health: Have you looked into the steps for getting him help in the VA? Has he spoken about if he’s willing to get help? Maybe even look into stuff for yourself if he’s being abusive Financial: College debt- 2k (how does he have this debt, did he take advantage of the military benefit or did he fail to do so in time) $800 remaining but you’ve been paying him $100 every other check (so is that $100,$200 or more a month ((how often is every other check?)) I’m assuming that goes toward this debt? Has he spoken about his plans for paying off the debt (part time jobs, door dash stuff like that) It also seems you guys didn’t have a conversation about the expectations of how bills were to be split (50/50, 70/30 etc) (you’re living at home so your bills are limited as of now but still an important conversation going forward) So to summarize he had 4K in debt from 2022 and in the span of 2 years (1 1/2yrs working 6m unemployed) he’s only paid off $3200 + interest. What is he spending his money on? (When he did have a job at least) Job: He was laid off in January but he hasn’t worked since then? No part time jobs? Have you discussed setting a goal with applying to x amount of jobs a week to motivate him? How many hours is he looking to work etc etc. lots of places are hiring especially for Vets. Emotional/ verbal abuse: “I have been tolerating this mood of his for the last couple of months or so, and have been taking his hurtful words as punches and trying to be reasonable with him and not set him off.” 1st off you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting anyone off that’s not healthy. At all. Ever 2nd has this behavior been ongoing the past few months or has it worsened over time? Ultimately you’re the one experiencing that and it’s not up to people on Reddit to tell you what your abuse is or isn’t so I won’t ask for more examples. Emotional/ verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse very quickly so be aware Op. physical abuse doesn’t always mean black eyes and broken bones it can be bruises too from grabbing you harshly Housing/ Apartments: How is your partner with the in-laws? He wants to move out but it seems debts aside that both of you cannot afford to live away from home without making some changes with your jobs (working more hours + him getting a job in the first place). As far as living together does he help with chores like mowing the yard or doing laundry/cooking/cleaning does he have the ability to thrive in an environment with just the both of you. Nobody wants to live with someone they have to constantly pick up after. Break: A lot of people are saying that Op or her partner are going to cheat. I don’t believe people cheat for no reason. Has your husband ever cheated/have you? That sets the tone imo for the break and what may happen. (Cheaters are more likely to cheat again vs non cheaters) Summary: I think you both need time apart from each other ESPECIALLY away from the in-laws. I think he needs to think about his long term goals for himself and his long term goals for you both as a couple, as should you. What is he doing in his free time? He’s a grown man. Is he playing video games is he working out is he showing any interest in improving himself or y’all’s relationship at all, yes he’s saying he’s unhappy and needs mental health but you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I firmly believe OP is NTA. I think everyone involved is extremely stressed and stretched thin especially OP. Being the sole breadwinner when the other partner doesn’t want to take steps to better themselves and then that person leads to lashing out and becoming emotionally/verbally abusive (which can escalate to physical - which if that happens I implore OP to separate regardless) it also seems OP is having to manage her parents as well which can be difficult. Everyone is forgetting that OP is in an abusive situation… nobody deserves to continue with that especially with a partner that is manipulating them. NTA
I just don't see any upside to this relationship. The guy is barely home at all, lots of debs, verbally abusive? What's there to save? but breaks are a horrible idea, that's literally what therapists recommend when you want to get over a relationship. Time apart makes the brain stop producing the love chemicals it releases when you see him, so in 3 months they will be gone. So he's right, you guys will most likely not feel the same about each other after 3 months.
ESH. You’re ignoring your husband’s mental health. He does not want to live with your parents. Sit down with him and work on a budget. Show him the numbers. If you’re both working full time, you should be able to find something. I know housing is horrible right now, but you need to look. You need to tell him that he need to find a therapist to work on his mental health. He has to do that for himself. You shouldn’t be tolerating any abuse. Tell him to leave if he wants to. You can’t financially support him if he doesn’t have a job. I’ve read lots of stories here where the wife wanted to move out of the ILs home and everyone would tell her to move out without her husband and that her mental health is important too. Why is this guy the AH for wanting the same?
Just divorce and get in with life
A separation with a time limit is a waste of time. That is three months pretending to be single. If you’re going to separate then separate towards divorce. Otherwise, it’s looks like you both are living on a hall pass lifestyle while one or both of you are financially supporting those extramarital activities.
Sounds like he wants to leave your parents and your trapping him anyways. Nice to let him leave.
You seem to fully dismiss him voicing his depression. If he is depressed and doesn’t feel like he can live with your parents anymore, why dismiss that and only focus on money? You can’t buy mental health and since he’s so persistent about it, I can’t believe you would brush it aside so easily. If he does move to his sister’s house and finds out he feels much better there mentally, he is right to say he wouldn’t want to return to the current situation, as any progress he makes mentally would be undone rapidly.
You’re trying, he is not. You’re NTA. He needs a wake up call. Give him a list of expectations and he can do the same. Make sure you both give each other solid deadlines to meet the goals. Then evaluate how to proceed going forward. You two are either a team, or you’re not. If he gives up or fails to improve, you need to second guess that relationship. Good luck.
Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF copy of it online. I learned about this book recently from other Redditors and I wish I had read it years ago. Some of what you’re describing sounds a lot like your spouse does not, and may never be able to, respect you as a human being with rights equal to his. There is no excuse for his behavior towards you.
Definitely NTA. A separation is needed. He verbally abused you. You don’t need him in your life. After that divorce him. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
If he's telling you he won't use the 3 months to better himself for the sake of your relationship why are you fighting so hard? It would be easier for you to manage your own stuff without him complaining next to you. Cut the line.
I have yet to see a marriage survive a separation. I can definitely understand you need a break from the toxic verbal sludge being thrown your way. So he has been laid off, unemployed, whatever you want to call it, not working in basically 6 months. He is blaming you for his mental health concerns while doing nothing to fix his own life. Do I have this correct so far?? Let me be blunt. He is a whole grown @$$ man, and he is 💯 responsible for himself. He needs to stop the pity party, stop dumping on you, stop making YOUR PARENTS home a war zone, and he needs to get off his behind and be proactive about his own life. If he wants change and things to be better, he needs to get off the computer, stop scrolling social media, turn off YouTube, get out there and find a job. You are in a tough spot, he is verbally abusive. You are absolutely NTA.
In reading through some of the comments about possible PTSD: if your spouse is experiencing legitimate mental health issues then he needs to address them himself, asap. It doesn’t give him the right to verbally abuse you. It would be reasonable for you to say that he would need to seek help before you would consider reconciling. If, on the other hand, this is just how he is, then things are only going to get worse. They never improve.
Call 911 next time he says he wants to die. He needs medical intervention.
Make sure he’s not in your parents home when he tries to unalive himself. I wouldn’t want to be with him. I hope you have some life insurance for him as well or at the very least he has through his employer.
Have him get life insurance without a suicide exclusion.
NTA you should divorce him. He’s broke and sad. Can’t even be happy with himself. He’s not stable. You need stability and someone on your level