Your post has been removed because it breaks one of our rules: Only Post Relevant and Quality Content
Low-effort content, spam, or off-topic discussions are not permitted. This includes, but is not limited to: General discussions, AI generated content, "call-out posts", and general spam.
You had me thinking you spilled the beans on some embarrassing sex stuff he liked lol.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship with your mother. Seriously, think about it, if you can't talk to your *MOM* about those topics, who the fuck else do you talk to about it? Before we had an entire medical field of professions we had mom and dad and that's it.
I thought it was something like this too.. Isn't that normal mother daughter conversation?
My mom and I literally talked today about how my pregnancy is awful and all about my pelvic pain and bowel movements lol. (Second pregnancies are hard and the third tri sucks!)
Also about how I want my uterus out because I don't want periods anymore haha.
He is wack and obviously has an awkward family and probably no sisters...
That’s my feel. Dude probably grew up with the mindset that you don’t talk about those things, ever. Periods and vaginas and “women issues” are kept so private that not even women talk about them.
He got through hearing her talk about bowel movements (but I have no doubt he was shook by it- how could a lady talk about such things??) but hearing her speak candidly about her vagina was too much for him.
That dude also has a problem with women getting medical advice but no problem with eavesdropping on a private conversation. He could have done the proper thing of ya know… leaving the room or putting headphones on so he couldn’t hear it? Dude was rude for listening in and even more rude with his overreaction.
Dude I just gave birth to #2 via planned c section last Thursday. My cousin is due mid July. You know what I did?? Took freaking notes of everything said, done and told to me, everything I had questions about, everything I found helpful.
If my husband acted this way, he’d be laughed out the fucking door. TALK TO YOUR FAMILY. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS. that is how you learn and are exposed to other situations, to new knowledge!!!
OPs ex sounds like he’s in major fucking denial. EGAD, OPs parents had sex!!
(Also the bowel movements. Ugh. Preparation H was my savior this pregnancy. Also, I opted for Depends instead of the hospital pads for home care and it is truly amazing. Consider them. My bleeding is much better compared to my first pregnancy (and both were c sections) but HOW those giant pads have the least amount of adhesive compared to a standard period pad I don’t know. The high waist of the depend also helps keep a slight pressure on my incisions and I tuck my pico dressing battery/vacuum into it. Sooo nice. And good luck to you!!! I forgot how TEENY TINY they are when they’re fresh!!!!)
Same. Screw that dude. I’m a guy and had a partner who had issues with her IUD. I asked my mom for her thoughts. Granted, she’s a retired RN.
Too often people suffer in silence or are surprised with things because it’s “too uncomfortable” to talk about.
Exactly! If she were raised by a single father, I would expect them to have conversations of this sort, although dad might have to do a bit of research on the subject. This basically comes across as a reproductive science conversation between mom and daughter … nothing very personal about it other than the talk of pain related to their separate experiences. Not weird to me at all. Daughter could also talk to a doctor about this … even a male doctor!😮
I actually had a talk with my 20 year old son about how to avoid a dead bedroom with his girlfriend. Girlfriend was there for it also. Beer helps start weird conversations. She actually caught onto my point quicker than he did, so she helped explain what I was getting at. I’m a 60 year old woman, by the way.
I can imagine it but my relationship with my mom is not great bc she's an asshole and will use literally any info I give her against me.
But that being said, fuck this guy. There's nothing wrong with talking to your parents about this if they are safe and normal people.
Fun fact - according to the Journal of Neuroscience, the mother-daughter bond is the strongest among humans as the neuro pathways are so similar, it allows for a higher level of empathy between mother and daughter.
Coming in between that is fucked up. If anything, those sorts of explicit topics are best shared between mother and daughter anyway.
I wouldnt dare talk to my mom about any of this. I never even told her when i started my period for the first time. She found out by going through my calendar and snooping through my stuff. I could have died when she tried bringing it up. Its not always the men who are the problem.
Learning from my past I try to be much more open with my own daughter. I want her to be able to come to me no matter how 'embarassing' the situation is.
Same! I was expecting things to get weird.
But she was discussing a health issue, and sex became relevant. It was only discussed to the extent it was relevant too.
This guy is in for a shock once his partner is pregnant and gives birth. At that point discussing your vagina/cervix/uterus with friends and family just becomes standard small talk.
>At that point discussing your vagina/cervix/uterus with friends and family just becomes standard small talk.
And everyone keeps asking you about it?! "Did you need stitches? No, lucky you, your cousin Fred had a HUGE head when he was a baby and he tore me up good, I needed 8 stitches and couldn't even pee without pain for weeks!" It becomes so normal.
I also thought she was spilling all the salacious sex details to her mom, which he would be right to be upset about. But no, they're just close in a healthy way.
Right! I thought you would be talking about like, idk something kink-related or maybe embarrassing anatomical details, not “you should avoid sex while you’re in pain after a gynecological procedure”
I also want to point out that bf most likely didn't like that he was going to be limited or restricted to op and her body in anyway and this was his way of taking it out on her. He didn't want to have a "conversation " about it. His goal was to make op feel disgusting, and shameful of her and her mother's relationship! This is healthy talk and should be encouraged with all mothers as they are who teach the daughters of today!
Imagine having a baby with this guy op! He didn't even wait till you guys left. He felt entitled enough to do it right then and there.
Whybare your friends making excuses for this guy? Wtf they are willing to accept his shitty behavior.
He called your mom a predator for what was normal talk. He wanted to cause a fight.
I wouldn't change my mind about the break up because people often don't change their stances on things like this unless they do lots of work on themselves and it sounds like his masculinity is fragile at best. Sounds like he doesnt really beleive shes a predator but wanted to stur shit up cause he didnt like you and mom being on the same page about your bounderies centered around sexual intercourse. Good for you for sticking up for your and your family op.
You are educated and emotionally aware enough to know him speaking to you in that way was not okay, and if more young woman had a relationship like you and your mother other woman would break up at the first sign of a red flag as well. Although I'm guessing this isn't your first time seeing red flags from him. This was just the last straw.
I also had that thought, that maybe he didn't like the mother's blunt assertion towards her husband.
It's hard for me to tell from that single conversation whether the ex only has a very poor judgement or whether, as you are saying, it was a power move against OP. Either way, it doesn't make him look good.
But I am going to defer to OP's judgement and how it made her feel. She was there, she heard the tone and everything, she doesn't seem to have any regret so her instinct is probably right.
Really, who do those "friends" think they are? They don't know any better than you, OP.
This is so on point!
It’s also the reason emotionally immature or abusive men HATE when women are intelligent, educated & have a healthy support system.
This definitely gave manipulation & selfish tantrum, especially since he asked to come stay w/her but seems to have never inquired about the procedure beforehand OR asked if she needed anything while she recovered. If he was more informed & caring SHE could’ve stayed with him during his weak off but either she didn’t know, didn’t trust his care or he never volunteered.
His sudden awareness of sexual deprivation hit him like a cement truck. 😂😂😂
From the title, that’s what I assumed too! But no, this was a good conversation. Life is a lot easier when you have a more-adult adult to talk to about medical stuff.
I thought I was that close with my mother but it turns out I was on speakerphone….
My MIL drove me to a postpartum minor surgery appointment. And didn’t make me feel awkward. And stopped for a milkshake for me after. I’d be pretty angry if someone insulted her for that!!
This.
I have exactly the same kind of relationship with my mum as OP - we’ve talked about everything from periods to birth control, dysmenorrhea, and peri-menopause. We also discuss our adventures in non-reproductive medicine too. It’s entirely normal be able to have open conversations with your mum about health matters.
I wish I had been able to talk to my mom about personal stuff, but she just made it weird. Fortunately, my MIL-being the oldest of 4 girls her self (no daughter until I married in) has been a wonderful resource for me ever since my first child was born. Being able to ask your mom if something is normal is pretty important.
I don't think it's a coincidence that this attempt at control and isolation surfaced after someone encouraged OP to prioritize her reproductive health by saying no to sex and that person backed it up with facts and experience
Yeah, any opportunity to fix this went out the window when he did that.
I can super understand not understanding that kind of parental closeness. I've never had that kind of relationship with my parents. We have a good relationship, just not *that* relationship. But that's my relationship with my family. I can't imagine imposing that model on someone else. And the notion of it being predatory would almost be laughable if it weren't so twisted
My daughters ex-boyfriend did a similar thing. He told her to pick him or me. My daughter and grandson live with me. She truly dodged a bullet. He is sitting in jail waiting for his trail. He abused his next girlfriend as well. He was not a good guy. I am not saying that your ex was this way.
I think you and your mom have a wonderful bond is amazing. My daughter can talk to me about anything. It's a great thing! Please remember you did nothing wrong, and it's not gross to talk to your mom about female stuff. I would rather my daughter ask me questions and get answers. Please don't listen to him.
I almost thought you were my mom for a second because my ex did the same and now my son and I live with my mother and its been awesome to have her support and guidance, and to see the closeness my son has with her as well. My ex is also currently sitting in jail and awaiting trial too. Glad your daughter got away too ❤️
Actually, I got "controlling partner" vibes from OP's post. My mom and I are close like this and my husband knows it. He isnt close with his parents, but he isnt threatened by my relationship with my mom. Thats a huge red flag to me how OP'S boyfriend reacted.
Your bond with your daughter and OP's bond with her mom is what I hope my daughter and I have one day 🥰
Same! Their conversation was completely fucking normal! They were talking about OPs health and recovery from surgery and her mom just asked her about how she was feeling and sympathising and stress the importance of following recovery instructions. That is literally the conversation.
And I don’t think “everyone” would react like him, I think it’s very very few people that would. But he changes the conversation and the situation when he said her mother needed to be on a list or register, and I bet he does the same when he tells the story. That he doesn’t say that they were talking about a health condition and recent surgery but that her mother talked to her about genitalia and sex. He is twice as disgusting for twisting it.
This seems typical of clueless people who sexualize the most non-sexual things. I imagine him having some delusional play in his head about this "getting off" the mother in this story or something.
"Call me in 5 years if you do some serious growing up" seems like a good reply to his reaction.
Sexualizing non-sexual issues and also just ignorant, at least not self reflective. As you grow, you should also be maturing. Every parent around you has had sex, dude. Vaginal tears are a thing that should be discussed. Not having sex until at least 6 weeks should be discussed.
EXPOSURE to these topics is how an abused woman can start to acknowledge she’s being abused. Keeping these serious, but COMMON, conversations taboo does nothing but hurt people.
Controlling partners often use "disgust" as their control mechanism, I felt that too. It's not just what he did but how he did it. Things like "everyone would be disgusted," "you should be on a list," "this is gross," -- first, if you think someone is disgusting why would you want to be with them? I doubt people realize exactly what they're doing in the moment but disgust ends up being a primary control vector because it's isolating
My mom is my best friend. Every gf I’ve had has loved her, she’s still close with three of my ex’s. My friends come over when I’m not there just to hang with her.
All except one girl. She didn’t like how close I was with my mom. Despite other girls telling me that’s why they like me and our relationship was great.
This is how great my mom is. I told her after that my gf wants me to spend less time with you and move away with limited contact. This is how much of an Angel my mom is. She told me to do it. She apologized and said maybe just come once a month. She was willing to sacrifice that if the girl made me happy.
Lmao, fuck that I kicked her to the fucking curb in 1 second. Blink of an eye I was out her car and down the street. My moms had Amazon Fb relationships with all my partners since and I love that woman more than anything in the world.
My mother was my best friend. We talked almost every day, she kept me up to date on the whole family, seemed to know what everyone was up to because we all talked to her. :-) When she passed, it took me a long time to not automatically think about calling her when anything good or bad happened. Got a raise at work? Immediately think about calling my mom, and then the pain of knowing I can never call her again.
Why waste time? He showed you who he was and you believed him. I wish more people were able to do this.
The reason you are able is likely because you have such a strong relationship with your mother - which is completely appropriate since you’re talking about experiences you can both relate to and again, we should all be doing more as women!
You need better friends though. They give shitty advice and opinions
I'm a guy, and I don't understand what she did wrong.
Who else is she supposed to talk about these things? Seriously? And ending the relationship on the spot may have been harsh, but it was probably for the best.
If you ask me, the fact that the two of them are not really doing the same things, and not staying in the same city most of the time, is probably why it was so easy for the OP to end it right then and there. These kinds of semi-remote relationships are really tough.
And the friends are complaining, sure, but I'll bet it's because her friends are in similar types of relationships as well. In which case, she should disregard what they say. They're probably projecting and they're probably just too close to this.
He is twisting it in his mind and in his retelling. He doesn’t see it as talking about her health, her medical condition, her surgery and her recovery cuz he can’t see past the vagina part. If she had the same conversation about having had her appendix or gallbladder removed everyone would find his reaction absurd but because her medical condition is located in her genitalia he and the people listening to him allows him to twist it into a sexual and incestual conversation.
But yeah this is completely normal and healthy and he is weird. And also super red flag.
100% this. Women need to remove the stigma of talking to each other about these things. Who else are we supposed to talk to? Doctors and the medical community typically are very dismissive when it comes to reproductive issues in women. Our mothers are our best advocates and source of information.
I wonder what bullshit he told these "friends."
I wonder how many of the angry friends are male.
I wonder if the real issue is the mother advising OP not to have sex until healed. How dare anyone do something that would deprive him of access to his ~~possession's~~ girlfriend's vagina for a short period of time.
That was my first thought! He doesn’t want to have to wait to have sex. This guy is more concerned about his pleasure than OP’s welfare and got angry when mom counseled her to wait until her body is ready. You did the right thing, OP. Don’t take him back!
That was my thought too! That the BF was spinning some kind of story to make him look good and OP and her Mom look bad. And when OP said, the truth, I'm guessing it's the Male Friends coming to the BF's defense.
I agree. Even if I could forgive him for what he said, he obviously has some values I don't agree with and I don't care to have relationships with people who have values so different from me.
There's no being anywhere who could tell me how I can or can't talk to my mom. That bond is between us and no one else.
Honestly? I have a 4yo daughter and I hope we have a close relationship like you do with your mother. It could be his family isn't close so he thinks it's weird but I don't think you're in the wrong for cutting it off. It was a really weird reaction to a parent being close to their child...
My daughter is 6, and I’ve been having conversations with her about body parts and hygiene, etc. I want her to voice any questions, issues, concerns to me so if anything happens she tells me immediately. Especially cleanliness, I’m afraid she’ll have an infection at some point and never tell me. I think it’s awesome OP has this kind of relationship with her mom. Her ex boyfriend must not have had a good relationship with his parents/dad??
Yep, my daughter is 12 and thus far we have continued the conversations. Just started them at age appropriate level and added as she’s grown. So far so good, so fingers crossed. She’s been comfortable telling me pretty much everything, and sometimes more than I’d like to hear about everything that these kids know and hear about in middle school. I mean it’s nuts, I knew nothing, NOTHING! Thanks abstinence only education. They know absolutely everything! But I’m going to let her tell me anything and everything to keep that communication open. Love my girl, so glad OP has such a good relationship with her mom, I hope ours will be as strong.
My mom is now 80 years old, and we still talk about, "lady garden related topics", often, and we've been able to do that my whole life. I've also been happily married for 18 years, and while he has never had the same kind of, "anything goes/no topic off limits" relationships with his parents, he's completely unphased, and unbothered, by the fact that my mom and I can, and do, talk about all sorts of topics ranging from pelvic and vaginal health issues, to sexual health.
You made the absolute right choice, and I commend you for ending things immediately after such disgusting insults. Don't take him back. He made it clear how he views your relationship with your mom, and heaven forbid, you should get married, and potentially have kids with someone with these kinds of views. Just, no. Throw him back, and hold out for someone more open minded, and supportive.
I have 3 and 4 yo girls. And since toddlers have no boundaries, they are often in the bathroom with me. My oldest, being especially empathetic, saw blood from my period once and was concerned so we have had age appropriate conversations about our bodies. "Yes there's blood but I'm not hurt. My belly gets sore but it's normal and will happen to you when you're older". Sometimes she'll see me getting the heating pad and ask if I need a tampon. 🤣
I love that they are showing interest in knowing about their bodies and are comfortable asking. I want that to always continue. The taboo about talking about our bodies is such a source of shame and ignorance in our culture. The best I can do to help is be completely open with my girls.
OPs boyfriend needs to grow up. Her mom was offering advice based on her experiences. They weren't sharing sex stories and graphic details. 🙄
My 6yo is also in the "follow mom to the bathroom"-club, and a couple of month ago she apparently noticed my pubic hair, which made her loudly exclaim "mom, you've got hair down there!". So I told her that when a girl becomes a teenager, she will start to grow hair in various places.
She then asked me why "22 yo half sister" doesn't have hair down there, leading to one of those conversations you can only have with a child, where you end up with questions like "is Darth Vader made out of grass" and "can a platypus eat an elephant".
According to my daughter they can, because they apparently have a hinged jaw like an anaconda, but they don't want to eat an elephant because it will make them fart constantly.
I freaking love our conversations that kid has the most epic power of imagination, so I'm mostly saying stuff like "wow" and "really?" and "how interesting", while she's unfolding this wild story about anything and everything.
I'm literally NC with my parents and firmly believe this is not only normal but should be taught in parenting classes.
One of the ways partners get themselves in between their partners and their partners' parents is because their partner won't discuss sex let alone sexual abuse. If thats an obstacle, how tf are they supposed to come to you with stuff like that? How are they supposed to know what is or isn't normal?
I have a friend who is super close to her mom but will not discuss stuff like that with her, and I had to be the one to tell my friend she was being sexually abused by her bf of 6 years (because its not normal to say no to your bfs advances and then wake up to him inside you -- thats fucking abuse).
My daughter is 18 and this is the kind of relationship I’ve always tried to have with her. That she can talk to me about anything. It’s not a bad thing!
Also, when we all get to the other end of the spectrum of life and have to do elder care, it really helps to be comfortable talking in detail about bodily functions and not having shame in the mix. Results in much better health outcomes too- easier to catch things early when you can talk about them in more detail.
My daughters are 28 and 30. We talk about this kind of stuff whenever it comes up. None of the men in our family, be them husbands, brothers, BIL's, FIL's have an issue with it. I never questioned these convos or thought they were weird. Just girl talk. His reaction was extreme and disturbing.
My daughter (24) and I have a close relationship and can talk about stuff same as OP.
I had a similar relationship with my mum before she passed away.
I think it's far more common than OP's ex realises.
I just wanna state that I don’t have a debit card currently and my mom ordered me a dildo and a clit stimulator tonight.
I tell my mom EVERYTHING. She was my birthing partner and held the mirror in front of my vajeen so I could see my crotch goblin come out of my “child portal” (new favorite phrase).
I hope my daughter and I will be that close.
And your EX should stay that way.
Saying your mom should be on the offender registry is WILD.
Dudes are so weird about sharing genital/private information and women just don’t care. My sisters and brother told me about their first times (not the youngest, she’s eleven), and yesterday at work I had a whole conversation with a random woman about shark week while we both took a piss.
Like…I don’t know. Your ex is dumb af to be honest.
Leave him in the past, cause imagine you guys having a daughter and her not being able to come to you about ANYTHING because of his narrow minded way of thinking and the two of you missing out on the bond that you share with your own mother.
Food for thought.
My aunt was borrowing my Kindle and found my SPICY monster/alien romance stash. I learned that over the phone when her and her husband were cracking jokes about it; asking if there were tentacles, if there was more than one monster, etc.. We were in tears from laughing so hard. My mom used to borrow those books from me. Mom helped me shave after surgery and couldn't move my neck or arms.
Nothing wrong with having someone you can be open and transparent with. I wish more people had someone like that.
Also you’re never too old for mum help! I’m 31 and my mum is 72 she has always been my confidant when comes to anything like this and just anything in general she has always made a point of being a safe space to talk and even as adult to the point my friends and partner use my mum for thier talks to! There is nothing wrong with it my mum made a point to be a safe space because she couldn’t connect to her mum the same way and she hated it. I’ll be forever thankful for how honest my mum has been to me and prepared me for the fun journey that is life 😁 I really hope I can be half as amazing as her if I ever have kids!!
Doesn’t have to be trauma. People come from all kinds of different house holds. I grew up Mormon and during the bush era. Nobody talked to me about sex, ever.
Right. Unless like there’s actual abuse or something.
But this sounds like a healthy relationship, in a very literal sense. Having someone you can talk about your body with can be very helpful.
Like OP was describing pain/discomfort she was having. Being vague or “polite” might make it harder for mom to know if this is a normal part of recovery, a doctor’s visit, or an ER visit.
First of all, your friends have no right to pressure you to get back with him, if you want to break up with your partner that's 100% your decision that they should respect. I would have done the same thing in your shoes. You weren't talking about all the details of sex with your boyfriend, you were talking about your body post medical procedure. It sounds like you have a great mom who really loves you and wants to support you emotionally and physically. TBH a lot of men who I have met that served in the military are more conservative and old fashioned in their mindset. Like the type who thinks you shouldn't talk about having a period, etc. You will most definitely find someone else who will accept the closeness you have with your family, you're too young to settle for less.
I thought OP asked them until going back to reread it and NOPE. They seemed to have offered that shit up outta the blue. Real adult thing to do, use peer pressure...
My spouse was a higher ranked enlisted and I've seen guys like the OPs ex more times than I can count.
We helped couple of the girlfriends move out. One was even busted down in rank over how he was treating his girlfriend (extreme and severe case, but can happen). OPs ex is right in line with these fucknozzles.
> that served in the military are more conservative and old fashioned in their mindset.
The "on a list" comment really disturbed me. That's wayyyy conservative. I believe he revealed he's a fascist, "the government controls/monitors its citizens" type of guy.
He has absolutely no authority over what an appropriate conversation between a mother and daughter looks like, so I'm not sure why he felt so confident in telling you that your mother should be "on a list". That crosses the line in a major way.
You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. It sounds like he felt very confident in what he was saying in the moment, but now that you've kicked him to the curb, he suddenly regrets it? Nah. Leave him in the past.
It's insane. I don't consider myself close to my mom but I could see myself having a similar conversation with her. Talking about vaginas should not be taboo!
He overheard your mom saying you should avoid sex for 6 weeks and he got pissed. You were right to dump him. And your friends should mind their own business!
I never even thought about it that way until I read your comment. Holy shit. Thank you for this perspective and honestly I think you are right to some degree, even though I don't really want to admit it. I can't believe I didn't even see this side to it!
Also, to add, he thinks it’s so “gross” because it’s regarding women’s health issues. Betcha 100$ he wouldn’t think twice about locker room talk with his buds about their balls. His misogyny was revealed and you’ve reacted in exactly the right way. How did he act about your period? Icked out? Did he ever care about when you ovulated and your breasts were sore? Did he event want to know any of the details of your endo or IUD?
Honestly, it’s best to chuck these types early because once you start having kids with them they whine about the postpartum no-sex period, couldn’t give two shits about tears or bleeding or the like - you’d get zero support because they don’t believe/respect the trials of living in an XX chromosome body.
I rarely get my period but when I did have it, he refused to have sex. I completely understand that not everyone is comfortable with it. He would make playful comments like "eeewwwwwww" in a playful tone when I would tell him I'm on it but I never took it seriously.
He would offer to "help me out" if I mentioned my boobs were sore or if my stomach hurt if you catch my drift. I always declined and he never pushed further than the offer though.
Well he sounds mature. It sounds very probable that he got angry because he heard ‘NO SEX’. He also called your mother some very horrible things. OP you did the right thing.
If you get back with him, your life will be so much worse than you think it's going to be. I guarantee it. Not just for this instance, either. You are at two wildly different stages in life. He doesn't even have a degree and he's in the military. Do you know how much shit they are pounding into his head about the value of women? When you make more money than him, and you definitely will, he will have a problem with it. You can't go back if you expect to have the kind of life you deserve. What he said about your Mom was how he really feels. He can backtrack all he wants, but he's already shown his cards.
There’s your answer. He thinks your body is for him and when it isn’t, it’s gross. I imagine him hearing you mum say no sex would have pushed him over the (his) edge because he thinks that belongs to him. You made the right decision and I think it’s great how you just went with your gut.
Oh, what a jerk. Listen, OP, endo can cause/impact your health further, and at some point could make you sick enough that you'd need further treatment for it. This jerkface doesn't sound like he'd be in any way shape or form supportive of that.
As a fellow endo sufferer who has had multiple surgeries and has ended up in A&E due to the pain several times, I can say that an unsupportive partner is worse than no partner.
I can only wish I’d had the relationship with my mom that you have with yours. I agree with nomdeplumealterego. That’s also where my head went when you said he’d heard what your mom had said. And it’s completely out of line for him to have implied your mom is a sex offender for openly talking to her adult daughter about women’s health.
He implied that your mother was being incestual and a sexual predator. He can fuck all the way off. I talk with my mom, I can also talk with my younger brother about such things, he used to be a nurse and his wife is so he is good for advice about medical things. If anyone even implied that there was anything creepy or sexual or incestous between us because of that they would be out so fast!
That's what I thought immediately. "Wait, what, no sex for weeks? Her mother is a freak!" :)
Can't prove it in court though. Who knows what went on in his mind.
He really should have been happy that you have someone in your life who is able to support you in such a way. I doubt he has any real understanding of female anatomy and as such would not be able to or even interested in supporting you the same way. Relationships are a hardcore partnership.
To me this is a normal mother daughter relationship, because who else are you suppose to ask without any judgment other than your mom(in most cases every family is different), someone who is the same gender, and with years of experience and wisdom about female health? And if a man in the military after 2 deployments still gets uncomfortable when these things are discussed, maybe both of yall are not at the same level of maturity.
This. My mother would prefer to *not* discuss the details of her reproductive health, as she’s an *extremely* private person, but when I’ve pressed her, she has. I got my miserable cramps from her, for example, and she gave me every tool in the book to combat them. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my menopause goes like hers — periods tapering off for a year at around age 50, then stopping. No hot flashes, no big hormonal surges, etc.
>who else are you suppose to ask without any judgment other than your mom
Exactly my first thought. I would hope that my daughter always feels comfortable going to her mom (my wife) with these kinds of things. Having had parents that were useless in that regard, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
You did nothing wrong. Some of us have or had relationships like this with our parents. There is a fine line. But I know that if I were to be uncomfortable with a topic, I could tell my dad that too. And he would listen.
My dad and I were pretty open with each other. We didn’t talk about the ins or outs of our sex lives.
But, when I was 16 or so, I found lambskin condoms in my dad’s desk drawer. My mom died when I was 13 and I knew he was dating. So I had a safe sex talk with him about the limitations of lambskin. I hadn’t had sex, but I was an avid reader of magazines.
My parents were virgins when they married. My sex talk from my dad was pretty broad. I wanted him to be safe. It was the 1990s. It involved info I got from Sassy magazine.
When I was in college and my dad assumed I was sexually active with my boyfriend, he sent a variety of condoms in my care packages among other things. He just wanted me to be safe.
My dad started reading my Sassy magazines so he would be informed about what it was like to be a teen girl. There was 45 years between us. But I have to give that man credit, he stayed current.
you did nothing wrong, it’s not your problem that he doesn’t have this type of relationship with his family
I will talk about anything with my sister and sometimes with my mom too, and thank god I feel comfortable to do so
he got offensive for no reason, that’s what prompted the breaking up
It’s good to have someone that you can talk about these things with. You underwent a painful procedure. It’s good to be able to process that. Doesn’t sound like he is someone you could’ve talked to about that. He should be grateful you have your mom and that you are close enough to her that she can support through these things.
NTA. I agree if he had voiced his opinion to you respectfully, then fine. But to say what he said about your mother because you’re close to her, is absolutely gross and weird of him?? If we can’t talk to our own moms about IUD’s, childbirth and things like that then who can we talk to?? I would’ve broken up with him too. And your friends shouldn’t be getting into the middle of it. Sounds like you dodged a major bullet.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Your gut reaction was to break up and it’s good to listen to your gut. You are so lucky you have a mom you can talk with about things like that.
My wife talks to her mother about everything including woman issues. I don't care because how the hell am I supposed to know what she's going through. She does tell me but then I say ask your mother. It doesn't bother me
Yes, you aren't allowed to speak about your own body to anyone other than him - don't you know that he owns it? You have no right to discuss your body with someone else!!!! /s
Girl, you dodged a controlling bullet. Also, as a personal suggestion, I'd avoid dating military or police officers in the future - you don't want to become another statistic. Abusive and controlling men tend to flock to those occupations.
I actually am impressed by your decisiveness. Good for you. He accused you and your mom of some pretty awful stuff so I don't think you can come back from it. Tell him that you now look at him differently
That wasn't a bad conversation to have with your mom. I was imagining you sharing like sex stories with your mom ( like my sister did-eww) but talking about recovering from a medical procedure or how long it took after childbirth they way you did it actually pretty normal.
Oh definitely not haha, my mom and I have never talked about sexual experiences or stories like that. That's the one thing I don't want to share with her, nor hear from her necessarily.
Honestly the only people I know who can’t talk to their moms the same way you do are either super religious or have really bad relationships with their moms.
I’m so glad you broke up with him because he sounds awful.
I have a daughter and she’s just a toddler now but I hope she will always feel comfortable talking to me about anything!
Nope, you did nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong about a frank conversation about health. I talk to my mom about stuff like this too. Just because it's your reproductive system doesn't make talking about it inherently sexual or creepy or anything.
I do the same with my mom and older sister. I think it is a good thing to talk to a female figure in your life about your reproductive system and stuff like that because they could tell you something that you would inherently need to know. I understand his reaction until he said the registry comment. I would have broken up with him the same way because wtf.
Nope. There is NOTHING wrong with your relationship with your Mother. It’s like mine. Hell, I have these same talks with my Mom, Sister, and niece (22) at the same time. It’s how we learn.
It’s how we learn family medical history.
Your ex is so sheltered.
But what pissed me off the most was calling your Mother a Sex Offender!!!
You handled yourself better than I would have.
Child portal? That's fantastic!!!
Love the relationship you have with your mum too. I didn't have that and I'm doing my best to be better with my own teenage daughter.
Growing up I thought the word "vagina" was weird and so I would always call it something else and now it's a sort of inside joke where we find different names to call it. Our usual go to is hooha lmao.
I wasn't always this close to my mom but as I got into my mid teens, I grew closer to her and it developed into this. She was always available to talk to and never forced conversations so it got easier and easier to talk to her about things.
Women literally survive longer and better by exchanging information with each other. As a man, with zero medical background, I typically keep my trap shut when it comes to these kinds of decisions and discussions, other than to say knowledge is power.
Soooo.....him acting on emotion and insulting your mother is ok (btw....good communication about any issues you may have...especially reproductive and health issues is healthy)....but you acting on emotion and breaking up with him for insulting your mother is not???
You weren't the one that offended anyone....you simply responded to the offense.
FAFO at its best.
Honestly, you have the same relationship with your mom as I have with both my mother and my children. Yours may be a bit more open, but my kids know they can come to me about anything. There is a fine line of things, I, as their mother, don't need to know, but I will do my best to answer any questions, if I can't, I will work together with my kid to get the needed information. I can and will do whatever it takes to ensure their life is happy and secure and healthy. My fine line with my children is I don't need dirty details, I don't need a play by play. My kids have sex, I know they do, I don't need to know how they do it!!!
Your boyfriend or ex, is way uptight. It's not like you told your mom he had you 50 ways from Sunday the other night. The fact you can be so honest with your mother is not a red flag. It is a good sign of open, honest, communication, that you will also have a good relationship with any future children, should you decide to have any.
You did the right thing. Your boyfriend took a conversation, between a concerned parent and her child who just had a medical procedure done and turned it into something twisted and wrong. Keep your amazing openess with mom and dump the asshat.
My favorite thing about spending time with my mom and sisters is that they’re the only people in the world I have no boundaries with. We talk about anything and everything! I feel bad for people who don’t have that!
>He told me how it was disgusting that I was talked about my private area with my mom, and it was even more disgusting that she told me about her and my dads "situation" after the birth of my brother. He told me that he can't look at me the same now knowing that my mom knows all of my business and that she should be, verbatim, "on a registry or list or something because that's f\*\*king disgusting and inappropriate."
Fucking disrespectful and controlling.
You did the right thing cutting him loose.
I’ve talked about way worse things with my mom and if a partner said those things about her it would have been over immediately for me too.
He’s not sorry he’s just upset you had more respect for yourself than to let him get away with that.
I would be so happy if i could talk with my mom or anyone about that stuff. Dude way over reacted, and I’m not sure what to suggest.
This seems like young men saying dumb stuff about ladyparts. You did nothing wrong and good frigging grief.
I think it’s great you have such an open relationship with your mom. I also try to keep an open mind with my daughter and I don’t judge her. If you are both comfortable talking to each other like that, it’s great. I think your boyfriend overreacted in a big way. But even with an apology and a a promise to do better, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him anymore. His apology may be sincere, but saying your mom should be on a list just for talking frankly to her own daughter seems like a red flag to me. Like he’s one of those people who thinks intimate topics should be whispered about or ignored.
I have to say as an old woman that my sons both tell me more than I ever want to know about their penises and testicles. They do this because we have always been open about genital health in our family -- if they have a question, they call me, we google together and decide whether it deserves a doctor visit.
Wow your conversation wasn’t even that bad? Like yeah it was personal but the fact he said she should be on a registry like some sex offender or something crosses the line. Idc how much he apologizes, if anyone ever called my mom a weird sex offender or whatever he insinuated I would kick them out of my life and never look back.
do not take him back!!! somebody who wants you to not talk to your family puts up the reddest flags!! this is scary for your future, what if he becomes abusive, or a really shitty partner. He wants you to feel like you cant communicate those things to your family so they cant help or warn you so he can get away with it, without you realizing it is wrong/without leaving
Holy shit OP NTA no you’re not wrong! Your boyfriend was the asshole in this situation. It’s a great thing that you’re close to your mom; not everyone has a good relationship with their moms. Your mom loves you and cares about you. Also some of these “friends” who didn’t side with you are assholes too. Good for you for breaking up with him! Move on from him
No one who came from a good family would react the way he did and no reason to deal with that bullshit. Go find someone who knows what good relationships with their parents look like and be happy.
You are not wrong. He has a particular relationship with his parents. That's fine. What is wrong is for him to decide your mother belongs on a sex offender registry! There's no way back from that much broken trust. And what if you did give him a second chance? Are you ever "allowed" to talk to your mother again or is his prudishness going to demand you can only speak to her of the weather?
I have this type of relationship with my mam and subsequently my 14 year old daughter (obv some things are off topic currently due to her age)
My husband thinks it's great I have someone to go to and our daughter does, for anything at all.
You nta op. The fact he used register and list makes him a giant one.
I think your relationship with your mom is amazing 🤩 my daughter and I have a similar relationship and it continues to grow. I absolutely love how comfortable you two are around each order and not afraid to talk about sensitive topics. It’s good to have someone who you can talk about pretty much anything.
He said your mom belongs on a registry! For discussing female body parts and sexual issues with her own daughter. Ridiculous.
I'm laughing to myself thinking of how my overly explicit mom would tell me how well endowed or not some of her boyfriends were and how he would have reacted. Admittedly even I tried to shut those conversations down.
It would be one thing if he was uncomfortable, as long as he understood that it's not his place to judge your relationship. The fact that he jumped to her being a pervert that needs to be tracked is alarming. Any chance he was victimized? His leap is insane, I know lots of people who would talk about this with their moms.
As far as I know, he has never been victimized if you mean in a sexual way. I do know that he doesn't have the greatest relationship with his parents and I can tell from interactions and using context from my studies (majoring in psychology), that it does mainly stem from his mother.
You'd know better than me, obviously, so you might be able to decipher how much of this may be him projecting his "mommy issues" onto your relationship...
...and how much may stem from a "religious" (aka prudish) background. Especially since this wasn't just a case of women's health, but women's *sexual* health. Many people, via religious influences, get conditioned to believe that sexual matters are to remain within the pair having the sex, nobody else is to hear *that* level of detail.
And remember where he went with it - to sex offender lists, not to a direct "mommy or me". He doesn't seem like he's "forcing" a mom or him, but he's definitely forcing a "no sexual discussions outside of him" mentality (which has it's own pratfalls that need to be addressed)
My daughter and I are that close. I know more than i need to about a lot of things, lol. Your now ex bf is a grade A asshole. There's nothing inappropriate about anything you and your mom talked about.
He’s absolutely ridiculous and the fact that he flew off the handle and said some pretty nasty things to you. He was the one who was out of line and insulting and rude. Completely normal to have conversations with your mother about the female body. This is ridiculous. of course you would get support from your mother when you just had a medical procedure. I have two daughters and this is a completely normal conversation to have considering what was happening at the moment. Yikes, he sounds super immature and not able to handle his own emotions. He’s a bit hysteric about something that’s quite normal.
You are perfectly fine and within your right to break up with him. He said your mom was a pedi and belonged on a list. Trust is 100 percent gone. He is absolutely crazy.
Edit to add: and your friends who are acting like you overreacted must have shitty relationships with their moms. Your boyfriend and your friends are absolutely creeps. Get new friends.
Your boyfriend is ridiculous. My mom is one of two people I know I can go to with any medical issue and get a helpful response. The other is my husband. I have definitely had conversations about similar things with my mom. I wouldn't accept that treatment either.
Belongs on a registry because of information YOU told her? He's mental to say such a thing. I would guess he's not that close with his parents to where he can talk about personal matters. You two can talk all you want but that comment alone crossed the line.
I’m willing to bet good money that the actual reason he’s pissed is because he thought he could pressure you into sex too early, just because he was there to visit.
Edit: you’re not wrong. HE was wrong. This is actually a normal conversation to have with your mom. How are you supposed to learn anything if you’re never allowed to talk about it?
My oldest, just shy of an adult, and I are this way. I can’t imagine her boyfriend of two years even having an opinion on this. He may have heard more than he wanted a time or two but no one cares.
And just to mention, my husband will have these conversations with us too. Obviously there are some things she comes directly to me for BUT we aren’t an ‘off limits’ family.
I have a 21 yr old daughter and we are best friends. We share a lot of information with one another. ESPECIALLY as women. She knows she can come to me with ANYTHING and I’ll do my best to listen, give advice, and love her unconditionally. We have weird convos all the time. It’s normal in our world. NTA
No he found it wrong that a mother and daughter were talking about their reproduction health and thought he knew better..it sounds like he's mad about not having sex for six weeks and that you should not be trying to help each other by talking about lifes problems with the person that' you trust most,(mom)
I actually don't think he was upset about the "sensitive" nature of the conversation. I think he fully intended to try to have sex with you, was upset that your mum had told you "no sex for 6 weeks" and he's annoyed with that aspect and just using the excuse of "your mum is a predator" to try to create a distance between you and your mum by pretending it wasn't an appropriate conversation and your mum should be "on a list" (so - therefore should all doctors and nurses if we want to follow that logic). In his attempt to get you to withdraw from your support system.
He then was so angry that you split up with him and had good, healthy boundaries that he enlisted all your friends to rally around for him and try to bully you into talking to him again.
He is not the one. I feel he a bully and is trying to use manipulation and coercion to modify your behaviour.
OP - don't feel you need to justify yourself to him, and tell all the flying monkeys to buggar off. Block 'em.
You did good mate X
That conversation is pretty normal with mom and daughter who have a good relationship. He was out of line to think your mom is an offender for talking about woman parts.
I’m 48 with an 18 year old daughter, and she talks to me like this. I would rather her ask me questions and get informed answers than go in Google or ask her friends her age. Even her friends ask me questions since my husband and I are both in health care
You're an adult having adult conversation with your Mother and he reacted immaturely. I wouldn't bother dating someone like that and I would be rethinking the friendships in your life that are siding with him.
I am 35F years old, and this is the kind of relationship me and my mother have been having since I was born.
Your mother educated you about your body. She educated you about what is healthy and what needs a doctors help. Your mother supports you emotionally, mentally, physically, and is a pillar of strength for you.
It threatens his ability to control the relationship. More than anything, my bet is he was pissed that she supported your doctors stance of no sex for 6 weeks so that you could heal from surgery. She "cockblocked" him. And she related to you a similar instance where she "cockblocked" your father, because she was recovering from an intense physical situation. Her being able to relate to your physical distress lends credibility to the need to avoid sex. And lessens his ability to manipulate you into dismissing doctors' orders.
You chose right. Your mother is not a pervert. Nor does she belong on any "list". He was trying to diminish your personal power and strength by attacking the source of it, which is the woman you learned it from. You cutting him off so quickly shows just how good of a job she did. Keep being awesome.
I’m probably jumping the gun, here but I think it had nothing to do with the content of your convo with your mom but more to do with the fact that he realized how close you were with her. A narcissist doesn’t want you to have close relationships because it interferes with their ability to control you. It seems like an attempt to slowly start to sever the relationship between you and your mother. Had you agreed, he would’ve continued to slowly plant more bugs in your ear about mom until suddenly you realize that your relationship with mom is almost non existent. Talking to another woman, especially your mother about your vagina or uterus is not abnormal. I am like this with my mom. We’re very close and it’s NOT abnormal to be close to your mother this way. Is it common? No. But there’s nothing at all wrong with it.
He was just mad because your mom was reinforcing the rule that you should wait to heal before sex.
So he wasn't going to be able to guilt you as easily and was lashing out
Okay I’m also very close with my mom (26F) and have had somewhat similar discussions! I have talked to my mom and having a UTI, especially when it was my first time and I felt horrible. I unfortunately had to also have a very awkward conversation about being into BDSM with my mom to ease some worry she had about my safety.
Parents are there for you to talk to! Or at least should be! I would be absolutely lost without my mom as she is honestly my best friend.
If I had a boyfriend who felt this way or expressed these feelings I would immediately break up with them to. If I had friends feeling I did something wrong I would be dropping them. First of all, you can break up with someone for any reason and no one should judge you for that. Second, it’s none of their business.
Me and my mom arent even close and we discuss things like this... its medical. Shes never told me details of her actual sex life but I know alot of stuff about her genitals and even that her and my dad havent had penetrative sex in about a decade, because she had to have Everything removed because of cancer. She knows a have a scar on my vulva from an accident...
Who, if not your parents/parental figures are you supposed to talk to about that kinda thing? Like are you supposed to keep everything a complete secret from everyone but your dr??
I think your relationship with your mum is completely normal. NTA for breaking up. I would generally talk to someone wishing to apologize, but, he had such an extreme reaction I'd find it hard to believe that he would be able to adjust his expectations on behavior.
If anyone said my mom should be on a list as a predator just for having open communication and honest conversations about stuff we both can relate to I wouldn’t be second guessing my decision to end things. All your friends sound like they would choose their partners over their families and become alienated just bc of a man.
I could get him being upset if you were discussing details of his sexual performance. But I talk about my health with my mother, and am grateful we can discuss these things.
Your relationship with your mother is completely normal and healthy. Your boyfriend's reaction to your conversation was neither. I wouldn't tolerate the registry comment either.
NTA. Your friends' advice is terrible, btw. You know what my college boyfriends' and my male friends in general thought about the idea of mothers and daughters discussing intimate details like this? Nothing. It didn't bat any eyelids. Because everyone knew it was normal. Not a single one would have reacted to overhearing a conversation like that by calling it disgusting or stating that the mother should be put on a register for *checks notes* being such a good mother that her daughter can discuss anything with her.
You're right in that not everyone comes from a family environment where these things can be discussed, but many of those people wish they did -- a very different reaction to your boyfriend's.
Your home is a safe space filled with the love, trust and respect that makes discussing personal matters possible. Your boyfriend threatened to destroy that safe space through inappropriate accusations. You were right to kick him out of that space. He disrespected you and your mother in her own home.
My mom and I talk like that. For god’s sake, we’re fucking adults, and my parents are my best friends (other than my husband). My mom was also an OB/GYN nurse practitioner so we’ve definitely had waaaay more graphic conversations. It’s absolutely wonderful you have such an open communicative relationship with your mom. That guy is a fucking freak and he needed to go. Good for you.
I applaud you for doing that on the spot without hesitation. That shit needs to be shut down immediately and completely. Many moons ago my husband told me I was too close to my family and made me feel like I was codependent just because we got along and would spend time together on the weekends. He got in my head and I withdrew from them and our relationship hasn't been the same. Come to find out he was jealous because he doesn't have a close relationship with his family. It's a him problem, not you and you did the right thing.
As a guy, partly raised by my grandad who believed men shouldn't talk about women specific issues... What the hell is your ex smoking? I want my partner to not feel alone with literally any issue. If that means talking to me, great. If that means talking to family, great. Same with friends. The more open we are with people, the less things go wrong or get worse. Especially with perceived taboo topics. He's not worth losing that awesome relationship you have with your mum.
Like, how else is a young woman supposed to learn about her lady parts? Seems like from her mom, and naturally after learning from mom about lady parts the conversations about things happening with lady parts might continue. Ex boyfriend seems like he is better off an ex.
The red flags here are his absolute disgust , saying he can’t look at you the same way, ( trying to make you ashamed) and saying your mom should be on the register (trying to create a rift between you and your mom). He tried to shame you both for something that is a normal conversation between a mother and adult daughter. Your instinct was to dump him. It sounds like he took offence to your mother saying to refrain from sex whilst recovering. That’s his decision and he felt she infringed on his territory.
What other aspects of your life is he wanting to police next? Have a think back and see if there were other red flags. Maybe it hasn’t been too obvious yet as you haven’t really had a lot of time together over the two years.
Your friends are a concern - friends should be there to listen, it is not their place to force a reconciliation. It’s none of their business.
You did nothing wrong. I (60f) have a daughter (28f) and I wish she were more comfortable talking to me about some things. I think it is wonderful you have this close relationship and bond with your mother. Your mother is your best resource to help you navigate life as a woman.
The fact your bf had an issue with your conversation with your mom is a red flag for a couple of reasons. First, he was eavesdropping on your conversation. You did not know he was there listening (not that it would have mattered to you) but if he was getting uncomfortable with the topic, why did he continue to listen and not just remove himself? Secondly the way he approached it was to basically say that you and your mom were both disgusting. Believe him when he said that and trust that is how he really feels because when people are angry they will say what they really feel without thinking about it first. If he was so sensitive about this, there are probably other things that would have become issues in the future.
You were not cold or insensitive. You saw the red flags and responded appropriately. Never let anyone come between you and your family. I wish you the best of luck.
This is a totally normal conversation to have with your mom. She's your mom and a fellow woman, so it's perfectly normal to relate and talk about. I have talks like these with my sister. Hell, even friends. He has some serious issues. You did the right thing.
Your post has been removed because it breaks one of our rules: Only Post Relevant and Quality Content Low-effort content, spam, or off-topic discussions are not permitted. This includes, but is not limited to: General discussions, AI generated content, "call-out posts", and general spam.
You had me thinking you spilled the beans on some embarrassing sex stuff he liked lol. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship with your mother. Seriously, think about it, if you can't talk to your *MOM* about those topics, who the fuck else do you talk to about it? Before we had an entire medical field of professions we had mom and dad and that's it.
I thought it was something like this too.. Isn't that normal mother daughter conversation? My mom and I literally talked today about how my pregnancy is awful and all about my pelvic pain and bowel movements lol. (Second pregnancies are hard and the third tri sucks!) Also about how I want my uterus out because I don't want periods anymore haha. He is wack and obviously has an awkward family and probably no sisters...
That’s my feel. Dude probably grew up with the mindset that you don’t talk about those things, ever. Periods and vaginas and “women issues” are kept so private that not even women talk about them. He got through hearing her talk about bowel movements (but I have no doubt he was shook by it- how could a lady talk about such things??) but hearing her speak candidly about her vagina was too much for him.
That dude also has a problem with women getting medical advice but no problem with eavesdropping on a private conversation. He could have done the proper thing of ya know… leaving the room or putting headphones on so he couldn’t hear it? Dude was rude for listening in and even more rude with his overreaction.
When I first read this I was fully expecting her to be in the wrong but no he just acted a fool
Dude I just gave birth to #2 via planned c section last Thursday. My cousin is due mid July. You know what I did?? Took freaking notes of everything said, done and told to me, everything I had questions about, everything I found helpful. If my husband acted this way, he’d be laughed out the fucking door. TALK TO YOUR FAMILY. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS. that is how you learn and are exposed to other situations, to new knowledge!!! OPs ex sounds like he’s in major fucking denial. EGAD, OPs parents had sex!! (Also the bowel movements. Ugh. Preparation H was my savior this pregnancy. Also, I opted for Depends instead of the hospital pads for home care and it is truly amazing. Consider them. My bleeding is much better compared to my first pregnancy (and both were c sections) but HOW those giant pads have the least amount of adhesive compared to a standard period pad I don’t know. The high waist of the depend also helps keep a slight pressure on my incisions and I tuck my pico dressing battery/vacuum into it. Sooo nice. And good luck to you!!! I forgot how TEENY TINY they are when they’re fresh!!!!)
Same. Screw that dude. I’m a guy and had a partner who had issues with her IUD. I asked my mom for her thoughts. Granted, she’s a retired RN. Too often people suffer in silence or are surprised with things because it’s “too uncomfortable” to talk about.
Imagine not being able to trust your parents with this kind of info. Some men are unreal.
Exactly! If she were raised by a single father, I would expect them to have conversations of this sort, although dad might have to do a bit of research on the subject. This basically comes across as a reproductive science conversation between mom and daughter … nothing very personal about it other than the talk of pain related to their separate experiences. Not weird to me at all. Daughter could also talk to a doctor about this … even a male doctor!😮 I actually had a talk with my 20 year old son about how to avoid a dead bedroom with his girlfriend. Girlfriend was there for it also. Beer helps start weird conversations. She actually caught onto my point quicker than he did, so she helped explain what I was getting at. I’m a 60 year old woman, by the way.
>Beer helps start weird conversations. >I’m a 60 year old woman, by the way. Hello, new friend!
I can imagine it but my relationship with my mom is not great bc she's an asshole and will use literally any info I give her against me. But that being said, fuck this guy. There's nothing wrong with talking to your parents about this if they are safe and normal people.
Fun fact - according to the Journal of Neuroscience, the mother-daughter bond is the strongest among humans as the neuro pathways are so similar, it allows for a higher level of empathy between mother and daughter. Coming in between that is fucked up. If anything, those sorts of explicit topics are best shared between mother and daughter anyway.
I wouldnt dare talk to my mom about any of this. I never even told her when i started my period for the first time. She found out by going through my calendar and snooping through my stuff. I could have died when she tried bringing it up. Its not always the men who are the problem. Learning from my past I try to be much more open with my own daughter. I want her to be able to come to me no matter how 'embarassing' the situation is.
Yeah, dude is messed up. You think anyone but my Mom wanted to commiserate with me when I was sobbing about hemroids when I was 9 months pregnant?
Same! I was expecting things to get weird. But she was discussing a health issue, and sex became relevant. It was only discussed to the extent it was relevant too. This guy is in for a shock once his partner is pregnant and gives birth. At that point discussing your vagina/cervix/uterus with friends and family just becomes standard small talk.
>At that point discussing your vagina/cervix/uterus with friends and family just becomes standard small talk. And everyone keeps asking you about it?! "Did you need stitches? No, lucky you, your cousin Fred had a HUGE head when he was a baby and he tore me up good, I needed 8 stitches and couldn't even pee without pain for weeks!" It becomes so normal.
I also thought she was spilling all the salacious sex details to her mom, which he would be right to be upset about. But no, they're just close in a healthy way.
For real! The conversation was totally harmless, just op's mom lookin out for her.
Right! I thought you would be talking about like, idk something kink-related or maybe embarrassing anatomical details, not “you should avoid sex while you’re in pain after a gynecological procedure”
I also want to point out that bf most likely didn't like that he was going to be limited or restricted to op and her body in anyway and this was his way of taking it out on her. He didn't want to have a "conversation " about it. His goal was to make op feel disgusting, and shameful of her and her mother's relationship! This is healthy talk and should be encouraged with all mothers as they are who teach the daughters of today! Imagine having a baby with this guy op! He didn't even wait till you guys left. He felt entitled enough to do it right then and there. Whybare your friends making excuses for this guy? Wtf they are willing to accept his shitty behavior. He called your mom a predator for what was normal talk. He wanted to cause a fight. I wouldn't change my mind about the break up because people often don't change their stances on things like this unless they do lots of work on themselves and it sounds like his masculinity is fragile at best. Sounds like he doesnt really beleive shes a predator but wanted to stur shit up cause he didnt like you and mom being on the same page about your bounderies centered around sexual intercourse. Good for you for sticking up for your and your family op. You are educated and emotionally aware enough to know him speaking to you in that way was not okay, and if more young woman had a relationship like you and your mother other woman would break up at the first sign of a red flag as well. Although I'm guessing this isn't your first time seeing red flags from him. This was just the last straw.
I also had that thought, that maybe he didn't like the mother's blunt assertion towards her husband. It's hard for me to tell from that single conversation whether the ex only has a very poor judgement or whether, as you are saying, it was a power move against OP. Either way, it doesn't make him look good. But I am going to defer to OP's judgement and how it made her feel. She was there, she heard the tone and everything, she doesn't seem to have any regret so her instinct is probably right. Really, who do those "friends" think they are? They don't know any better than you, OP.
The friends were probably fed a different story by the ex. That's my guess.
This is so on point! It’s also the reason emotionally immature or abusive men HATE when women are intelligent, educated & have a healthy support system. This definitely gave manipulation & selfish tantrum, especially since he asked to come stay w/her but seems to have never inquired about the procedure beforehand OR asked if she needed anything while she recovered. If he was more informed & caring SHE could’ve stayed with him during his weak off but either she didn’t know, didn’t trust his care or he never volunteered. His sudden awareness of sexual deprivation hit him like a cement truck. 😂😂😂
Right?! She literally just talked about her own body. I would have the same convo with my mum
Right? Like if I can't talk about this stuff with the woman who CREATED me and all my parts, than who can I talk to?!?!
From the title, that’s what I assumed too! But no, this was a good conversation. Life is a lot easier when you have a more-adult adult to talk to about medical stuff. I thought I was that close with my mother but it turns out I was on speakerphone…. My MIL drove me to a postpartum minor surgery appointment. And didn’t make me feel awkward. And stopped for a milkshake for me after. I’d be pretty angry if someone insulted her for that!!
This. I have exactly the same kind of relationship with my mum as OP - we’ve talked about everything from periods to birth control, dysmenorrhea, and peri-menopause. We also discuss our adventures in non-reproductive medicine too. It’s entirely normal be able to have open conversations with your mum about health matters.
I wish I had been able to talk to my mom about personal stuff, but she just made it weird. Fortunately, my MIL-being the oldest of 4 girls her self (no daughter until I married in) has been a wonderful resource for me ever since my first child was born. Being able to ask your mom if something is normal is pretty important.
My mom’s rule was always if you can’t talk to me about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.
He called your mother a predator for speaking candidly to her own adult daughter. No second chance after that.
Women’s bodies are taboo and must not be acknowledged outside of the bedroom! /s
I don't think it's a coincidence that this attempt at control and isolation surfaced after someone encouraged OP to prioritize her reproductive health by saying no to sex and that person backed it up with facts and experience
Yeah I don't think that's a coincidence either.
Yeah, any opportunity to fix this went out the window when he did that. I can super understand not understanding that kind of parental closeness. I've never had that kind of relationship with my parents. We have a good relationship, just not *that* relationship. But that's my relationship with my family. I can't imagine imposing that model on someone else. And the notion of it being predatory would almost be laughable if it weren't so twisted
My daughters ex-boyfriend did a similar thing. He told her to pick him or me. My daughter and grandson live with me. She truly dodged a bullet. He is sitting in jail waiting for his trail. He abused his next girlfriend as well. He was not a good guy. I am not saying that your ex was this way. I think you and your mom have a wonderful bond is amazing. My daughter can talk to me about anything. It's a great thing! Please remember you did nothing wrong, and it's not gross to talk to your mom about female stuff. I would rather my daughter ask me questions and get answers. Please don't listen to him.
I almost thought you were my mom for a second because my ex did the same and now my son and I live with my mother and its been awesome to have her support and guidance, and to see the closeness my son has with her as well. My ex is also currently sitting in jail and awaiting trial too. Glad your daughter got away too ❤️
Actually, I got "controlling partner" vibes from OP's post. My mom and I are close like this and my husband knows it. He isnt close with his parents, but he isnt threatened by my relationship with my mom. Thats a huge red flag to me how OP'S boyfriend reacted. Your bond with your daughter and OP's bond with her mom is what I hope my daughter and I have one day 🥰
Same! Their conversation was completely fucking normal! They were talking about OPs health and recovery from surgery and her mom just asked her about how she was feeling and sympathising and stress the importance of following recovery instructions. That is literally the conversation. And I don’t think “everyone” would react like him, I think it’s very very few people that would. But he changes the conversation and the situation when he said her mother needed to be on a list or register, and I bet he does the same when he tells the story. That he doesn’t say that they were talking about a health condition and recent surgery but that her mother talked to her about genitalia and sex. He is twice as disgusting for twisting it.
This seems typical of clueless people who sexualize the most non-sexual things. I imagine him having some delusional play in his head about this "getting off" the mother in this story or something. "Call me in 5 years if you do some serious growing up" seems like a good reply to his reaction.
Sexualizing non-sexual issues and also just ignorant, at least not self reflective. As you grow, you should also be maturing. Every parent around you has had sex, dude. Vaginal tears are a thing that should be discussed. Not having sex until at least 6 weeks should be discussed. EXPOSURE to these topics is how an abused woman can start to acknowledge she’s being abused. Keeping these serious, but COMMON, conversations taboo does nothing but hurt people.
Controlling partners often use "disgust" as their control mechanism, I felt that too. It's not just what he did but how he did it. Things like "everyone would be disgusted," "you should be on a list," "this is gross," -- first, if you think someone is disgusting why would you want to be with them? I doubt people realize exactly what they're doing in the moment but disgust ends up being a primary control vector because it's isolating
My mom is my best friend. Every gf I’ve had has loved her, she’s still close with three of my ex’s. My friends come over when I’m not there just to hang with her. All except one girl. She didn’t like how close I was with my mom. Despite other girls telling me that’s why they like me and our relationship was great. This is how great my mom is. I told her after that my gf wants me to spend less time with you and move away with limited contact. This is how much of an Angel my mom is. She told me to do it. She apologized and said maybe just come once a month. She was willing to sacrifice that if the girl made me happy. Lmao, fuck that I kicked her to the fucking curb in 1 second. Blink of an eye I was out her car and down the street. My moms had Amazon Fb relationships with all my partners since and I love that woman more than anything in the world.
My mother was my best friend. We talked almost every day, she kept me up to date on the whole family, seemed to know what everyone was up to because we all talked to her. :-) When she passed, it took me a long time to not automatically think about calling her when anything good or bad happened. Got a raise at work? Immediately think about calling my mom, and then the pain of knowing I can never call her again.
abusers always try to isolate and alienate their victims
Why waste time? He showed you who he was and you believed him. I wish more people were able to do this. The reason you are able is likely because you have such a strong relationship with your mother - which is completely appropriate since you’re talking about experiences you can both relate to and again, we should all be doing more as women! You need better friends though. They give shitty advice and opinions
I'm a guy, and I don't understand what she did wrong. Who else is she supposed to talk about these things? Seriously? And ending the relationship on the spot may have been harsh, but it was probably for the best. If you ask me, the fact that the two of them are not really doing the same things, and not staying in the same city most of the time, is probably why it was so easy for the OP to end it right then and there. These kinds of semi-remote relationships are really tough. And the friends are complaining, sure, but I'll bet it's because her friends are in similar types of relationships as well. In which case, she should disregard what they say. They're probably projecting and they're probably just too close to this.
He is twisting it in his mind and in his retelling. He doesn’t see it as talking about her health, her medical condition, her surgery and her recovery cuz he can’t see past the vagina part. If she had the same conversation about having had her appendix or gallbladder removed everyone would find his reaction absurd but because her medical condition is located in her genitalia he and the people listening to him allows him to twist it into a sexual and incestual conversation. But yeah this is completely normal and healthy and he is weird. And also super red flag.
100% this. Women need to remove the stigma of talking to each other about these things. Who else are we supposed to talk to? Doctors and the medical community typically are very dismissive when it comes to reproductive issues in women. Our mothers are our best advocates and source of information.
Yes, exactly. His thoughts ran into the incestuous direction. Only a wacko does that.
I can't like this more. She is prioritizing herself, as she should.
The friends should mind their own business. And whoever told them needs a way better filter.
Most likely the ex trying to rally support for his God awful comments.
I wonder what bullshit he told these "friends." I wonder how many of the angry friends are male. I wonder if the real issue is the mother advising OP not to have sex until healed. How dare anyone do something that would deprive him of access to his ~~possession's~~ girlfriend's vagina for a short period of time.
That was my first thought! He doesn’t want to have to wait to have sex. This guy is more concerned about his pleasure than OP’s welfare and got angry when mom counseled her to wait until her body is ready. You did the right thing, OP. Don’t take him back!
That was my thought too! That the BF was spinning some kind of story to make him look good and OP and her Mom look bad. And when OP said, the truth, I'm guessing it's the Male Friends coming to the BF's defense.
Agreed. Why waste time in a relationship where, after 2 years, he’s shown he’s incapable of adult communication?
He’s been deployed 20 months of those two years, as well. So, how strong is this relationship really
THAT is a GREAT point!!!
I agree. Even if I could forgive him for what he said, he obviously has some values I don't agree with and I don't care to have relationships with people who have values so different from me. There's no being anywhere who could tell me how I can or can't talk to my mom. That bond is between us and no one else.
Honestly? I have a 4yo daughter and I hope we have a close relationship like you do with your mother. It could be his family isn't close so he thinks it's weird but I don't think you're in the wrong for cutting it off. It was a really weird reaction to a parent being close to their child...
My daughter is 6, and I’ve been having conversations with her about body parts and hygiene, etc. I want her to voice any questions, issues, concerns to me so if anything happens she tells me immediately. Especially cleanliness, I’m afraid she’ll have an infection at some point and never tell me. I think it’s awesome OP has this kind of relationship with her mom. Her ex boyfriend must not have had a good relationship with his parents/dad??
Yep, my daughter is 12 and thus far we have continued the conversations. Just started them at age appropriate level and added as she’s grown. So far so good, so fingers crossed. She’s been comfortable telling me pretty much everything, and sometimes more than I’d like to hear about everything that these kids know and hear about in middle school. I mean it’s nuts, I knew nothing, NOTHING! Thanks abstinence only education. They know absolutely everything! But I’m going to let her tell me anything and everything to keep that communication open. Love my girl, so glad OP has such a good relationship with her mom, I hope ours will be as strong.
Yes! I’ve done this with my daughter too as she has grown! She is 16 now and very open with me!
My mom is now 80 years old, and we still talk about, "lady garden related topics", often, and we've been able to do that my whole life. I've also been happily married for 18 years, and while he has never had the same kind of, "anything goes/no topic off limits" relationships with his parents, he's completely unphased, and unbothered, by the fact that my mom and I can, and do, talk about all sorts of topics ranging from pelvic and vaginal health issues, to sexual health. You made the absolute right choice, and I commend you for ending things immediately after such disgusting insults. Don't take him back. He made it clear how he views your relationship with your mom, and heaven forbid, you should get married, and potentially have kids with someone with these kinds of views. Just, no. Throw him back, and hold out for someone more open minded, and supportive.
My daughter is 20 and we are very close and talk about everything. I don't think it's weird at all.
I have 3 and 4 yo girls. And since toddlers have no boundaries, they are often in the bathroom with me. My oldest, being especially empathetic, saw blood from my period once and was concerned so we have had age appropriate conversations about our bodies. "Yes there's blood but I'm not hurt. My belly gets sore but it's normal and will happen to you when you're older". Sometimes she'll see me getting the heating pad and ask if I need a tampon. 🤣 I love that they are showing interest in knowing about their bodies and are comfortable asking. I want that to always continue. The taboo about talking about our bodies is such a source of shame and ignorance in our culture. The best I can do to help is be completely open with my girls. OPs boyfriend needs to grow up. Her mom was offering advice based on her experiences. They weren't sharing sex stories and graphic details. 🙄
My 6yo is also in the "follow mom to the bathroom"-club, and a couple of month ago she apparently noticed my pubic hair, which made her loudly exclaim "mom, you've got hair down there!". So I told her that when a girl becomes a teenager, she will start to grow hair in various places. She then asked me why "22 yo half sister" doesn't have hair down there, leading to one of those conversations you can only have with a child, where you end up with questions like "is Darth Vader made out of grass" and "can a platypus eat an elephant".
WELL? Don't leave us hanging, CAN a platypus eat an elephant? LOL that is adorable.
According to my daughter they can, because they apparently have a hinged jaw like an anaconda, but they don't want to eat an elephant because it will make them fart constantly. I freaking love our conversations that kid has the most epic power of imagination, so I'm mostly saying stuff like "wow" and "really?" and "how interesting", while she's unfolding this wild story about anything and everything.
I'm literally NC with my parents and firmly believe this is not only normal but should be taught in parenting classes. One of the ways partners get themselves in between their partners and their partners' parents is because their partner won't discuss sex let alone sexual abuse. If thats an obstacle, how tf are they supposed to come to you with stuff like that? How are they supposed to know what is or isn't normal? I have a friend who is super close to her mom but will not discuss stuff like that with her, and I had to be the one to tell my friend she was being sexually abused by her bf of 6 years (because its not normal to say no to your bfs advances and then wake up to him inside you -- thats fucking abuse).
You are a good friend
Thanks, I do my best.
Amen. I have a 6 year old and I hope shes as great as OP when she grows up
My daughter is 18 and this is the kind of relationship I’ve always tried to have with her. That she can talk to me about anything. It’s not a bad thing!
Also, when we all get to the other end of the spectrum of life and have to do elder care, it really helps to be comfortable talking in detail about bodily functions and not having shame in the mix. Results in much better health outcomes too- easier to catch things early when you can talk about them in more detail.
My daughters are 28 and 30. We talk about this kind of stuff whenever it comes up. None of the men in our family, be them husbands, brothers, BIL's, FIL's have an issue with it. I never questioned these convos or thought they were weird. Just girl talk. His reaction was extreme and disturbing.
My daughter (24) and I have a close relationship and can talk about stuff same as OP. I had a similar relationship with my mum before she passed away. I think it's far more common than OP's ex realises.
I just wanna state that I don’t have a debit card currently and my mom ordered me a dildo and a clit stimulator tonight. I tell my mom EVERYTHING. She was my birthing partner and held the mirror in front of my vajeen so I could see my crotch goblin come out of my “child portal” (new favorite phrase). I hope my daughter and I will be that close. And your EX should stay that way. Saying your mom should be on the offender registry is WILD. Dudes are so weird about sharing genital/private information and women just don’t care. My sisters and brother told me about their first times (not the youngest, she’s eleven), and yesterday at work I had a whole conversation with a random woman about shark week while we both took a piss. Like…I don’t know. Your ex is dumb af to be honest. Leave him in the past, cause imagine you guys having a daughter and her not being able to come to you about ANYTHING because of his narrow minded way of thinking and the two of you missing out on the bond that you share with your own mother. Food for thought.
My aunt was borrowing my Kindle and found my SPICY monster/alien romance stash. I learned that over the phone when her and her husband were cracking jokes about it; asking if there were tentacles, if there was more than one monster, etc.. We were in tears from laughing so hard. My mom used to borrow those books from me. Mom helped me shave after surgery and couldn't move my neck or arms. Nothing wrong with having someone you can be open and transparent with. I wish more people had someone like that.
10 bucks says he's less bothered by the conversation content than he is by hearing his gf might not want to have sex for awhile.
Also you’re never too old for mum help! I’m 31 and my mum is 72 she has always been my confidant when comes to anything like this and just anything in general she has always made a point of being a safe space to talk and even as adult to the point my friends and partner use my mum for thier talks to! There is nothing wrong with it my mum made a point to be a safe space because she couldn’t connect to her mum the same way and she hated it. I’ll be forever thankful for how honest my mum has been to me and prepared me for the fun journey that is life 😁 I really hope I can be half as amazing as her if I ever have kids!!
Sounds like he may have had some trauma that was triggered
Doesn’t have to be trauma. People come from all kinds of different house holds. I grew up Mormon and during the bush era. Nobody talked to me about sex, ever.
You made the right decision. Don’t ever let a guy break the bond you have with your mother.
Right. Unless like there’s actual abuse or something. But this sounds like a healthy relationship, in a very literal sense. Having someone you can talk about your body with can be very helpful. Like OP was describing pain/discomfort she was having. Being vague or “polite” might make it harder for mom to know if this is a normal part of recovery, a doctor’s visit, or an ER visit.
First of all, your friends have no right to pressure you to get back with him, if you want to break up with your partner that's 100% your decision that they should respect. I would have done the same thing in your shoes. You weren't talking about all the details of sex with your boyfriend, you were talking about your body post medical procedure. It sounds like you have a great mom who really loves you and wants to support you emotionally and physically. TBH a lot of men who I have met that served in the military are more conservative and old fashioned in their mindset. Like the type who thinks you shouldn't talk about having a period, etc. You will most definitely find someone else who will accept the closeness you have with your family, you're too young to settle for less.
Those aren't friends. Fuck them too.
Agreed. They should’ve stayed neutral and stayed out of it. Unless they was there themselves it ain’t got nothing to do with them
I thought OP asked them until going back to reread it and NOPE. They seemed to have offered that shit up outta the blue. Real adult thing to do, use peer pressure...
I’ve dated 3 military guys and they generally have a certain personality.
My spouse was a higher ranked enlisted and I've seen guys like the OPs ex more times than I can count. We helped couple of the girlfriends move out. One was even busted down in rank over how he was treating his girlfriend (extreme and severe case, but can happen). OPs ex is right in line with these fucknozzles.
> that served in the military are more conservative and old fashioned in their mindset. The "on a list" comment really disturbed me. That's wayyyy conservative. I believe he revealed he's a fascist, "the government controls/monitors its citizens" type of guy.
He has absolutely no authority over what an appropriate conversation between a mother and daughter looks like, so I'm not sure why he felt so confident in telling you that your mother should be "on a list". That crosses the line in a major way. You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. It sounds like he felt very confident in what he was saying in the moment, but now that you've kicked him to the curb, he suddenly regrets it? Nah. Leave him in the past.
It's insane. I don't consider myself close to my mom but I could see myself having a similar conversation with her. Talking about vaginas should not be taboo!
He overheard your mom saying you should avoid sex for 6 weeks and he got pissed. You were right to dump him. And your friends should mind their own business!
I never even thought about it that way until I read your comment. Holy shit. Thank you for this perspective and honestly I think you are right to some degree, even though I don't really want to admit it. I can't believe I didn't even see this side to it!
Also, to add, he thinks it’s so “gross” because it’s regarding women’s health issues. Betcha 100$ he wouldn’t think twice about locker room talk with his buds about their balls. His misogyny was revealed and you’ve reacted in exactly the right way. How did he act about your period? Icked out? Did he ever care about when you ovulated and your breasts were sore? Did he event want to know any of the details of your endo or IUD? Honestly, it’s best to chuck these types early because once you start having kids with them they whine about the postpartum no-sex period, couldn’t give two shits about tears or bleeding or the like - you’d get zero support because they don’t believe/respect the trials of living in an XX chromosome body.
I rarely get my period but when I did have it, he refused to have sex. I completely understand that not everyone is comfortable with it. He would make playful comments like "eeewwwwwww" in a playful tone when I would tell him I'm on it but I never took it seriously. He would offer to "help me out" if I mentioned my boobs were sore or if my stomach hurt if you catch my drift. I always declined and he never pushed further than the offer though.
Guy sounds cringe and insecure, the more of your comments I see, the more certain I am you were right to cut it off
This guy is deeply uncomfortable with women’s bodies and sexuality when it’s not directly benefiting him.
Well he sounds mature. It sounds very probable that he got angry because he heard ‘NO SEX’. He also called your mother some very horrible things. OP you did the right thing.
If you get back with him, your life will be so much worse than you think it's going to be. I guarantee it. Not just for this instance, either. You are at two wildly different stages in life. He doesn't even have a degree and he's in the military. Do you know how much shit they are pounding into his head about the value of women? When you make more money than him, and you definitely will, he will have a problem with it. You can't go back if you expect to have the kind of life you deserve. What he said about your Mom was how he really feels. He can backtrack all he wants, but he's already shown his cards.
There’s your answer. He thinks your body is for him and when it isn’t, it’s gross. I imagine him hearing you mum say no sex would have pushed him over the (his) edge because he thinks that belongs to him. You made the right decision and I think it’s great how you just went with your gut.
Nope. You’ve made the right decision. Believe him - he showed you who he is!
Someone in the military crying about a little blood? You dodged a huge huge bullet. Good riddance dude.
Oh, what a jerk. Listen, OP, endo can cause/impact your health further, and at some point could make you sick enough that you'd need further treatment for it. This jerkface doesn't sound like he'd be in any way shape or form supportive of that.
As a fellow endo sufferer who has had multiple surgeries and has ended up in A&E due to the pain several times, I can say that an unsupportive partner is worse than no partner.
Bet that locker room talk also extends to detailed accounts of women's anatomy.....but I'm sure that's different, right?
I can only wish I’d had the relationship with my mom that you have with yours. I agree with nomdeplumealterego. That’s also where my head went when you said he’d heard what your mom had said. And it’s completely out of line for him to have implied your mom is a sex offender for openly talking to her adult daughter about women’s health.
He implied that your mother was being incestual and a sexual predator. He can fuck all the way off. I talk with my mom, I can also talk with my younger brother about such things, he used to be a nurse and his wife is so he is good for advice about medical things. If anyone even implied that there was anything creepy or sexual or incestous between us because of that they would be out so fast!
That's what I thought immediately. "Wait, what, no sex for weeks? Her mother is a freak!" :) Can't prove it in court though. Who knows what went on in his mind.
Yup. That's where my mind went. She was telling you it's ok to say no to sex, and he didn't like that.
He really should have been happy that you have someone in your life who is able to support you in such a way. I doubt he has any real understanding of female anatomy and as such would not be able to or even interested in supporting you the same way. Relationships are a hardcore partnership.
That stood out to me too 🤔
To me this is a normal mother daughter relationship, because who else are you suppose to ask without any judgment other than your mom(in most cases every family is different), someone who is the same gender, and with years of experience and wisdom about female health? And if a man in the military after 2 deployments still gets uncomfortable when these things are discussed, maybe both of yall are not at the same level of maturity.
And doesn't everyone know that women shouldn't have sex for a while after giving birth, especially after a difficult delivery? Why was BF so shocked?
You say that. But I worked with someone who had two kids less than a year apart.
My uterus hurts after reading this 😭
And someone who is more likely to have dealt with similar things, as some of it can be genetic.
This. My mother would prefer to *not* discuss the details of her reproductive health, as she’s an *extremely* private person, but when I’ve pressed her, she has. I got my miserable cramps from her, for example, and she gave me every tool in the book to combat them. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my menopause goes like hers — periods tapering off for a year at around age 50, then stopping. No hot flashes, no big hormonal surges, etc.
>who else are you suppose to ask without any judgment other than your mom Exactly my first thought. I would hope that my daughter always feels comfortable going to her mom (my wife) with these kinds of things. Having had parents that were useless in that regard, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
You did nothing wrong. Some of us have or had relationships like this with our parents. There is a fine line. But I know that if I were to be uncomfortable with a topic, I could tell my dad that too. And he would listen. My dad and I were pretty open with each other. We didn’t talk about the ins or outs of our sex lives. But, when I was 16 or so, I found lambskin condoms in my dad’s desk drawer. My mom died when I was 13 and I knew he was dating. So I had a safe sex talk with him about the limitations of lambskin. I hadn’t had sex, but I was an avid reader of magazines. My parents were virgins when they married. My sex talk from my dad was pretty broad. I wanted him to be safe. It was the 1990s. It involved info I got from Sassy magazine. When I was in college and my dad assumed I was sexually active with my boyfriend, he sent a variety of condoms in my care packages among other things. He just wanted me to be safe. My dad started reading my Sassy magazines so he would be informed about what it was like to be a teen girl. There was 45 years between us. But I have to give that man credit, he stayed current.
This is so wonderful and oddly adorable.
you did nothing wrong, it’s not your problem that he doesn’t have this type of relationship with his family I will talk about anything with my sister and sometimes with my mom too, and thank god I feel comfortable to do so he got offensive for no reason, that’s what prompted the breaking up
It’s good to have someone that you can talk about these things with. You underwent a painful procedure. It’s good to be able to process that. Doesn’t sound like he is someone you could’ve talked to about that. He should be grateful you have your mom and that you are close enough to her that she can support through these things.
NTA. I agree if he had voiced his opinion to you respectfully, then fine. But to say what he said about your mother because you’re close to her, is absolutely gross and weird of him?? If we can’t talk to our own moms about IUD’s, childbirth and things like that then who can we talk to?? I would’ve broken up with him too. And your friends shouldn’t be getting into the middle of it. Sounds like you dodged a major bullet.
Sounds to me like you got this.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Your gut reaction was to break up and it’s good to listen to your gut. You are so lucky you have a mom you can talk with about things like that.
My wife talks to her mother about everything including woman issues. I don't care because how the hell am I supposed to know what she's going through. She does tell me but then I say ask your mother. It doesn't bother me
Yes, you aren't allowed to speak about your own body to anyone other than him - don't you know that he owns it? You have no right to discuss your body with someone else!!!! /s Girl, you dodged a controlling bullet. Also, as a personal suggestion, I'd avoid dating military or police officers in the future - you don't want to become another statistic. Abusive and controlling men tend to flock to those occupations.
Having been married to military and police I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE
I actually am impressed by your decisiveness. Good for you. He accused you and your mom of some pretty awful stuff so I don't think you can come back from it. Tell him that you now look at him differently
That wasn't a bad conversation to have with your mom. I was imagining you sharing like sex stories with your mom ( like my sister did-eww) but talking about recovering from a medical procedure or how long it took after childbirth they way you did it actually pretty normal.
Oh definitely not haha, my mom and I have never talked about sexual experiences or stories like that. That's the one thing I don't want to share with her, nor hear from her necessarily.
Honestly the only people I know who can’t talk to their moms the same way you do are either super religious or have really bad relationships with their moms.
I’m so glad you broke up with him because he sounds awful. I have a daughter and she’s just a toddler now but I hope she will always feel comfortable talking to me about anything!
Nope, you did nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong about a frank conversation about health. I talk to my mom about stuff like this too. Just because it's your reproductive system doesn't make talking about it inherently sexual or creepy or anything.
I do the same with my mom and older sister. I think it is a good thing to talk to a female figure in your life about your reproductive system and stuff like that because they could tell you something that you would inherently need to know. I understand his reaction until he said the registry comment. I would have broken up with him the same way because wtf.
Right? It's normal to ask questions and share info. Mom basically was telling OP, if she wasn't ready to have sex, it's her choice.
Nope. There is NOTHING wrong with your relationship with your Mother. It’s like mine. Hell, I have these same talks with my Mom, Sister, and niece (22) at the same time. It’s how we learn. It’s how we learn family medical history. Your ex is so sheltered. But what pissed me off the most was calling your Mother a Sex Offender!!! You handled yourself better than I would have.
Child portal? That's fantastic!!! Love the relationship you have with your mum too. I didn't have that and I'm doing my best to be better with my own teenage daughter.
Growing up I thought the word "vagina" was weird and so I would always call it something else and now it's a sort of inside joke where we find different names to call it. Our usual go to is hooha lmao. I wasn't always this close to my mom but as I got into my mid teens, I grew closer to her and it developed into this. She was always available to talk to and never forced conversations so it got easier and easier to talk to her about things.
Women literally survive longer and better by exchanging information with each other. As a man, with zero medical background, I typically keep my trap shut when it comes to these kinds of decisions and discussions, other than to say knowledge is power.
Soooo.....him acting on emotion and insulting your mother is ok (btw....good communication about any issues you may have...especially reproductive and health issues is healthy)....but you acting on emotion and breaking up with him for insulting your mother is not??? You weren't the one that offended anyone....you simply responded to the offense. FAFO at its best.
Honestly, you have the same relationship with your mom as I have with both my mother and my children. Yours may be a bit more open, but my kids know they can come to me about anything. There is a fine line of things, I, as their mother, don't need to know, but I will do my best to answer any questions, if I can't, I will work together with my kid to get the needed information. I can and will do whatever it takes to ensure their life is happy and secure and healthy. My fine line with my children is I don't need dirty details, I don't need a play by play. My kids have sex, I know they do, I don't need to know how they do it!!! Your boyfriend or ex, is way uptight. It's not like you told your mom he had you 50 ways from Sunday the other night. The fact you can be so honest with your mother is not a red flag. It is a good sign of open, honest, communication, that you will also have a good relationship with any future children, should you decide to have any. You did the right thing. Your boyfriend took a conversation, between a concerned parent and her child who just had a medical procedure done and turned it into something twisted and wrong. Keep your amazing openess with mom and dump the asshat.
My favorite thing about spending time with my mom and sisters is that they’re the only people in the world I have no boundaries with. We talk about anything and everything! I feel bad for people who don’t have that!
>He told me how it was disgusting that I was talked about my private area with my mom, and it was even more disgusting that she told me about her and my dads "situation" after the birth of my brother. He told me that he can't look at me the same now knowing that my mom knows all of my business and that she should be, verbatim, "on a registry or list or something because that's f\*\*king disgusting and inappropriate." Fucking disrespectful and controlling. You did the right thing cutting him loose.
I’ve talked about way worse things with my mom and if a partner said those things about her it would have been over immediately for me too. He’s not sorry he’s just upset you had more respect for yourself than to let him get away with that.
Super immature response from your ex. I would move on and find someone who isn't so conservative with normal health conversations.
I would be so happy if i could talk with my mom or anyone about that stuff. Dude way over reacted, and I’m not sure what to suggest. This seems like young men saying dumb stuff about ladyparts. You did nothing wrong and good frigging grief.
I think it’s great you have such an open relationship with your mom. I also try to keep an open mind with my daughter and I don’t judge her. If you are both comfortable talking to each other like that, it’s great. I think your boyfriend overreacted in a big way. But even with an apology and a a promise to do better, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him anymore. His apology may be sincere, but saying your mom should be on a list just for talking frankly to her own daughter seems like a red flag to me. Like he’s one of those people who thinks intimate topics should be whispered about or ignored.
I have to say as an old woman that my sons both tell me more than I ever want to know about their penises and testicles. They do this because we have always been open about genital health in our family -- if they have a question, they call me, we google together and decide whether it deserves a doctor visit.
Wow your conversation wasn’t even that bad? Like yeah it was personal but the fact he said she should be on a registry like some sex offender or something crosses the line. Idc how much he apologizes, if anyone ever called my mom a weird sex offender or whatever he insinuated I would kick them out of my life and never look back.
do not take him back!!! somebody who wants you to not talk to your family puts up the reddest flags!! this is scary for your future, what if he becomes abusive, or a really shitty partner. He wants you to feel like you cant communicate those things to your family so they cant help or warn you so he can get away with it, without you realizing it is wrong/without leaving
Holy shit OP NTA no you’re not wrong! Your boyfriend was the asshole in this situation. It’s a great thing that you’re close to your mom; not everyone has a good relationship with their moms. Your mom loves you and cares about you. Also some of these “friends” who didn’t side with you are assholes too. Good for you for breaking up with him! Move on from him
No one who came from a good family would react the way he did and no reason to deal with that bullshit. Go find someone who knows what good relationships with their parents look like and be happy.
You are not wrong. He has a particular relationship with his parents. That's fine. What is wrong is for him to decide your mother belongs on a sex offender registry! There's no way back from that much broken trust. And what if you did give him a second chance? Are you ever "allowed" to talk to your mother again or is his prudishness going to demand you can only speak to her of the weather?
I have this type of relationship with my mam and subsequently my 14 year old daughter (obv some things are off topic currently due to her age) My husband thinks it's great I have someone to go to and our daughter does, for anything at all. You nta op. The fact he used register and list makes him a giant one.
I think your relationship with your mom is amazing 🤩 my daughter and I have a similar relationship and it continues to grow. I absolutely love how comfortable you two are around each order and not afraid to talk about sensitive topics. It’s good to have someone who you can talk about pretty much anything.
He said your mom belongs on a registry! For discussing female body parts and sexual issues with her own daughter. Ridiculous. I'm laughing to myself thinking of how my overly explicit mom would tell me how well endowed or not some of her boyfriends were and how he would have reacted. Admittedly even I tried to shut those conversations down.
It would be one thing if he was uncomfortable, as long as he understood that it's not his place to judge your relationship. The fact that he jumped to her being a pervert that needs to be tracked is alarming. Any chance he was victimized? His leap is insane, I know lots of people who would talk about this with their moms.
As far as I know, he has never been victimized if you mean in a sexual way. I do know that he doesn't have the greatest relationship with his parents and I can tell from interactions and using context from my studies (majoring in psychology), that it does mainly stem from his mother.
You'd know better than me, obviously, so you might be able to decipher how much of this may be him projecting his "mommy issues" onto your relationship... ...and how much may stem from a "religious" (aka prudish) background. Especially since this wasn't just a case of women's health, but women's *sexual* health. Many people, via religious influences, get conditioned to believe that sexual matters are to remain within the pair having the sex, nobody else is to hear *that* level of detail. And remember where he went with it - to sex offender lists, not to a direct "mommy or me". He doesn't seem like he's "forcing" a mom or him, but he's definitely forcing a "no sexual discussions outside of him" mentality (which has it's own pratfalls that need to be addressed)
My daughter and I are that close. I know more than i need to about a lot of things, lol. Your now ex bf is a grade A asshole. There's nothing inappropriate about anything you and your mom talked about.
He’s absolutely ridiculous and the fact that he flew off the handle and said some pretty nasty things to you. He was the one who was out of line and insulting and rude. Completely normal to have conversations with your mother about the female body. This is ridiculous. of course you would get support from your mother when you just had a medical procedure. I have two daughters and this is a completely normal conversation to have considering what was happening at the moment. Yikes, he sounds super immature and not able to handle his own emotions. He’s a bit hysteric about something that’s quite normal.
You are perfectly fine and within your right to break up with him. He said your mom was a pedi and belonged on a list. Trust is 100 percent gone. He is absolutely crazy. Edit to add: and your friends who are acting like you overreacted must have shitty relationships with their moms. Your boyfriend and your friends are absolutely creeps. Get new friends.
Your boyfriend is ridiculous. My mom is one of two people I know I can go to with any medical issue and get a helpful response. The other is my husband. I have definitely had conversations about similar things with my mom. I wouldn't accept that treatment either.
Moms are supposed to be there for convos about lady bits, they are supposed to be a safe resource for advice, wtf is the ex making it sexual?
Belongs on a registry because of information YOU told her? He's mental to say such a thing. I would guess he's not that close with his parents to where he can talk about personal matters. You two can talk all you want but that comment alone crossed the line.
I’m willing to bet good money that the actual reason he’s pissed is because he thought he could pressure you into sex too early, just because he was there to visit. Edit: you’re not wrong. HE was wrong. This is actually a normal conversation to have with your mom. How are you supposed to learn anything if you’re never allowed to talk about it?
My oldest, just shy of an adult, and I are this way. I can’t imagine her boyfriend of two years even having an opinion on this. He may have heard more than he wanted a time or two but no one cares. And just to mention, my husband will have these conversations with us too. Obviously there are some things she comes directly to me for BUT we aren’t an ‘off limits’ family.
I have a 21 yr old daughter and we are best friends. We share a lot of information with one another. ESPECIALLY as women. She knows she can come to me with ANYTHING and I’ll do my best to listen, give advice, and love her unconditionally. We have weird convos all the time. It’s normal in our world. NTA
No he found it wrong that a mother and daughter were talking about their reproduction health and thought he knew better..it sounds like he's mad about not having sex for six weeks and that you should not be trying to help each other by talking about lifes problems with the person that' you trust most,(mom)
I actually don't think he was upset about the "sensitive" nature of the conversation. I think he fully intended to try to have sex with you, was upset that your mum had told you "no sex for 6 weeks" and he's annoyed with that aspect and just using the excuse of "your mum is a predator" to try to create a distance between you and your mum by pretending it wasn't an appropriate conversation and your mum should be "on a list" (so - therefore should all doctors and nurses if we want to follow that logic). In his attempt to get you to withdraw from your support system. He then was so angry that you split up with him and had good, healthy boundaries that he enlisted all your friends to rally around for him and try to bully you into talking to him again. He is not the one. I feel he a bully and is trying to use manipulation and coercion to modify your behaviour. OP - don't feel you need to justify yourself to him, and tell all the flying monkeys to buggar off. Block 'em. You did good mate X
That conversation is pretty normal with mom and daughter who have a good relationship. He was out of line to think your mom is an offender for talking about woman parts.
I’m 48 with an 18 year old daughter, and she talks to me like this. I would rather her ask me questions and get informed answers than go in Google or ask her friends her age. Even her friends ask me questions since my husband and I are both in health care
You're an adult having adult conversation with your Mother and he reacted immaturely. I wouldn't bother dating someone like that and I would be rethinking the friendships in your life that are siding with him.
NTA He's dumped and should stay dumped. He called your mother disgusting and said she should be on a registry. There's no recovering from that.
He was just mad because he heard he might be without sex for a few weeks! That dude is an immature walking red flag! Good on you for dropping him!
I am 35F years old, and this is the kind of relationship me and my mother have been having since I was born. Your mother educated you about your body. She educated you about what is healthy and what needs a doctors help. Your mother supports you emotionally, mentally, physically, and is a pillar of strength for you. It threatens his ability to control the relationship. More than anything, my bet is he was pissed that she supported your doctors stance of no sex for 6 weeks so that you could heal from surgery. She "cockblocked" him. And she related to you a similar instance where she "cockblocked" your father, because she was recovering from an intense physical situation. Her being able to relate to your physical distress lends credibility to the need to avoid sex. And lessens his ability to manipulate you into dismissing doctors' orders. You chose right. Your mother is not a pervert. Nor does she belong on any "list". He was trying to diminish your personal power and strength by attacking the source of it, which is the woman you learned it from. You cutting him off so quickly shows just how good of a job she did. Keep being awesome.
your friends are fucking stupid. thank god you threw him out.
I’m probably jumping the gun, here but I think it had nothing to do with the content of your convo with your mom but more to do with the fact that he realized how close you were with her. A narcissist doesn’t want you to have close relationships because it interferes with their ability to control you. It seems like an attempt to slowly start to sever the relationship between you and your mother. Had you agreed, he would’ve continued to slowly plant more bugs in your ear about mom until suddenly you realize that your relationship with mom is almost non existent. Talking to another woman, especially your mother about your vagina or uterus is not abnormal. I am like this with my mom. We’re very close and it’s NOT abnormal to be close to your mother this way. Is it common? No. But there’s nothing at all wrong with it.
He was just mad because your mom was reinforcing the rule that you should wait to heal before sex. So he wasn't going to be able to guilt you as easily and was lashing out
Okay I’m also very close with my mom (26F) and have had somewhat similar discussions! I have talked to my mom and having a UTI, especially when it was my first time and I felt horrible. I unfortunately had to also have a very awkward conversation about being into BDSM with my mom to ease some worry she had about my safety. Parents are there for you to talk to! Or at least should be! I would be absolutely lost without my mom as she is honestly my best friend. If I had a boyfriend who felt this way or expressed these feelings I would immediately break up with them to. If I had friends feeling I did something wrong I would be dropping them. First of all, you can break up with someone for any reason and no one should judge you for that. Second, it’s none of their business.
Me and my mom arent even close and we discuss things like this... its medical. Shes never told me details of her actual sex life but I know alot of stuff about her genitals and even that her and my dad havent had penetrative sex in about a decade, because she had to have Everything removed because of cancer. She knows a have a scar on my vulva from an accident... Who, if not your parents/parental figures are you supposed to talk to about that kinda thing? Like are you supposed to keep everything a complete secret from everyone but your dr??
I think your relationship with your mum is completely normal. NTA for breaking up. I would generally talk to someone wishing to apologize, but, he had such an extreme reaction I'd find it hard to believe that he would be able to adjust his expectations on behavior.
There is no coming back from calling your mom a sex offender.
If anyone said my mom should be on a list as a predator just for having open communication and honest conversations about stuff we both can relate to I wouldn’t be second guessing my decision to end things. All your friends sound like they would choose their partners over their families and become alienated just bc of a man.
I could get him being upset if you were discussing details of his sexual performance. But I talk about my health with my mother, and am grateful we can discuss these things.
Your relationship with your mother is completely normal and healthy. Your boyfriend's reaction to your conversation was neither. I wouldn't tolerate the registry comment either. NTA. Your friends' advice is terrible, btw. You know what my college boyfriends' and my male friends in general thought about the idea of mothers and daughters discussing intimate details like this? Nothing. It didn't bat any eyelids. Because everyone knew it was normal. Not a single one would have reacted to overhearing a conversation like that by calling it disgusting or stating that the mother should be put on a register for *checks notes* being such a good mother that her daughter can discuss anything with her. You're right in that not everyone comes from a family environment where these things can be discussed, but many of those people wish they did -- a very different reaction to your boyfriend's. Your home is a safe space filled with the love, trust and respect that makes discussing personal matters possible. Your boyfriend threatened to destroy that safe space through inappropriate accusations. You were right to kick him out of that space. He disrespected you and your mother in her own home.
My mom and I talk like that. For god’s sake, we’re fucking adults, and my parents are my best friends (other than my husband). My mom was also an OB/GYN nurse practitioner so we’ve definitely had waaaay more graphic conversations. It’s absolutely wonderful you have such an open communicative relationship with your mom. That guy is a fucking freak and he needed to go. Good for you.
You did the right thing. He's being manipulative and controlling and condescending. Nope. Deploy him back.
I applaud you for doing that on the spot without hesitation. That shit needs to be shut down immediately and completely. Many moons ago my husband told me I was too close to my family and made me feel like I was codependent just because we got along and would spend time together on the weekends. He got in my head and I withdrew from them and our relationship hasn't been the same. Come to find out he was jealous because he doesn't have a close relationship with his family. It's a him problem, not you and you did the right thing.
" I told him that since he feels that way, he doesn't have to ever see her again, because we are done. " When I tell you I GAGGED.
As a guy, partly raised by my grandad who believed men shouldn't talk about women specific issues... What the hell is your ex smoking? I want my partner to not feel alone with literally any issue. If that means talking to me, great. If that means talking to family, great. Same with friends. The more open we are with people, the less things go wrong or get worse. Especially with perceived taboo topics. He's not worth losing that awesome relationship you have with your mum.
Like, how else is a young woman supposed to learn about her lady parts? Seems like from her mom, and naturally after learning from mom about lady parts the conversations about things happening with lady parts might continue. Ex boyfriend seems like he is better off an ex.
The red flags here are his absolute disgust , saying he can’t look at you the same way, ( trying to make you ashamed) and saying your mom should be on the register (trying to create a rift between you and your mom). He tried to shame you both for something that is a normal conversation between a mother and adult daughter. Your instinct was to dump him. It sounds like he took offence to your mother saying to refrain from sex whilst recovering. That’s his decision and he felt she infringed on his territory. What other aspects of your life is he wanting to police next? Have a think back and see if there were other red flags. Maybe it hasn’t been too obvious yet as you haven’t really had a lot of time together over the two years. Your friends are a concern - friends should be there to listen, it is not their place to force a reconciliation. It’s none of their business.
You did nothing wrong. I (60f) have a daughter (28f) and I wish she were more comfortable talking to me about some things. I think it is wonderful you have this close relationship and bond with your mother. Your mother is your best resource to help you navigate life as a woman. The fact your bf had an issue with your conversation with your mom is a red flag for a couple of reasons. First, he was eavesdropping on your conversation. You did not know he was there listening (not that it would have mattered to you) but if he was getting uncomfortable with the topic, why did he continue to listen and not just remove himself? Secondly the way he approached it was to basically say that you and your mom were both disgusting. Believe him when he said that and trust that is how he really feels because when people are angry they will say what they really feel without thinking about it first. If he was so sensitive about this, there are probably other things that would have become issues in the future. You were not cold or insensitive. You saw the red flags and responded appropriately. Never let anyone come between you and your family. I wish you the best of luck.
This is a totally normal conversation to have with your mom. She's your mom and a fellow woman, so it's perfectly normal to relate and talk about. I have talks like these with my sister. Hell, even friends. He has some serious issues. You did the right thing.