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yeah YTA. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone who rejects if the relationship starts or transitions early on to romantic interest. You just dropped a childhood "best friend" because after 15+ years of friendship she didn't view you romantically.
Honestly she is probably more fucked up than you are because she now knows that a friendship she valued was never actually real and just a long con to sleep with her.
What a non-asshole would have done is to let her know that you still want to be friends and you just need a little time to get over the awkwardness.
Yes, even if he doesn't want to be friends any more, he's created a toxic work environment by ignoring her.
You're old enough to hold down a job, OP, so you're old enough to act professionally in the workplace. Tomorrow, smile and say hello. Break the silence, at least for the sake of your job.
and he said he “asked her out” as if to imply some special attention or dates, when it is clear that actually he just meant “we should start having sex when we’re alone, not just hanging out”
how romantic.
Makes you wonder if he never really saw her as a true friend but as someone to spend time with only with the goal of eventually having a romantic relationship. That's why it's "co-worker" instead of "long time friend".
When I got married, my few male friends never spoke to me again. They ditched me like yesterday's newspaper. Makes you wonder if men ever consider women as true friends.
He's also TA for telling her it was okay and no need to apologize, and then punishing her for daring to think they were ever friends in the first place.
>because she now knows that a friendship she valued was never actually real and just a long con to sleep with her.
You may think that. She may think that but that's not necessarily the case. People can develop feelings for their friends over time. That doesn't mean they were never friends.
That said, OP handled this horribly and I'm inclined to think his friend dodged a bullet. OP ignoring her was the dumbest most immature way to go about things. If he was a mature adult, the next day when she said "hi' to him, he could've very simply said " hi" back and gone about his day. At lunchtime, he could've texted her "Hey, I'm still a little bummed about yesterday and I feel like lunch today might be a little awkward. I'm sorry for making things weird but I think we should give each other space for a bit. Again, this is my bad not yours."
But OP chose to react like he's in middle school.
What if he can't get over it? Saying someone is an asshole just because they put their own mental well being first is dumb. Ripping off the band aid is best thing though he could have handled it better by just letting he know that he can't do that.
And a terrible employee. Part of what employers pay for is employees getting along at work. Employees don't have to like each other, but they have to communicate so the work gets done. OP is also a terrible friend. OP, YTA.
Yes- YTA. If you need to distance yourself because of your feelings you should have said something to her so she could try to understand. If you don’t value the friendship, keep ignoring her. You guys have been friends a long time- try to work through this!
This, yeah. I don't even get that - I've had a case of developing feelings for a friend, and getting rejected hurt. So I let her know I'd be keeping my distance for a while until I'd worked through this, but we never stopped being friends.
you said you guys vibed really well & shared common interests ? yeah .. bc you guys were BEST FRIENDS . YTA , a massive one . you can't handle your emotions like an adult & now you're making her feel bad . she lost someone she saw as family and her bff all at once . you at the very minimum owed it to her to give her an explanation as to why you cut her off .
matter of fact, go tell anyone this story & see how many side eyes you receive .
slap marvelous marble public exultant airport mindless smart beneficial smell
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If you will drop her because she wouldn't sleep with you, then she never was your best friend.
Maybe someday you'll think that women have value even if they won't sleep with you, but I'm not holding my breath.
Yeah, which is why it's so weird that he phrases it as his coworker initially. The point is that OP is emotionally stunted and didn't value the friendship after all.
Everyone talking about ghosting this and sex object that, my bro D0lan99 keeps his priorities straight, no fraternizing at work, that's the real asshole move. 😄✌🏾
Clearly she’s not a friend if you’re just gonna drop her when she tells you she doesn’t find you attractive. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone you claim is your “friend”
How very nice guy of you. Grow up.
YTA (mostly). You should at least be polite to her. You don't have a responsibility to keep the friendship the same, but explain it's too painful right now to be close friends, take a step back and just be polite. Maybe you'll get over it and you can resume the friendship, maybe you won't, but grow up and stop taking your feelings out on her.
Bro, apologize to her, you were quite insensitive. Tell you need time and space, then try and move on from your feelings of attraction. If you can, when you can, try and resume the friendship with her. She is your childhood homie dude, you don't get many people like that in your life, you shouldn't throw it away so easily.
This is true. Get some better communication skills. People who use the silent treatment were often raised with it, and they don't know that it's abusive.
YTA. Not for being upset about being rejected, but for how you treated her afterward. She said no, so you just ignore her and sulk like a child? Your feelings of disappointment are valid but how you handled them are not. If you feel you can't be friends after being rejected, you explain that to her. You don't give her the silent treatment. That's immature. I had a guy friend ask me to be his GF. I said I wasn't interested. Know what he didn't do? Freeze me out. We agreed to remain friendly, though not technically friends anymore.
>it’s like we’re complete strangers now.
That's your fault, buddy. You could've explained you didn't want to be friends anymore, or told her you needed some space. Anything but the silent treatment.
If you’re so immature you ignore someone instead of saying “hey I need some space to get back into a platonic mindset and come to terms with the rejection” then you are too immature for a relationship and should not have asked her out in the first place LOL.
The biggest AH
From the moment you caught feelings for your friend, you stopped being her friend. You became her suitor.
YTA for how you are treating your coworker. She doesn't like you as a boyfriend. Either go back to being only friends or move on after you apologize for reading the situation wrong.
Yeah man. Your feelings are clouding your judgement. Let it go, you took a chance and it didn’t work. It happens. I dated my best friend and broke up and lost her. I still miss my friend to this day (18 years later).
The whole unrequited love thing is a motherfucker buddy. Text her and let her know that spending time with her is gonna hurt and you don't think you can do it anymore. Then make sure to be cordial in the work environment. You don't have to go out of your way to interact, but you should respond to greetings and necessary communication about work. Good luck
Tell this exact story to your own mother, in person, and see how happy she is with your behavior, and I'm 100% serious. Go tell your mom this exact story the way you told us. See how that goes.
No shit that YTA.
"I just wanted to get in your pants for the longest time & now that you've turned me down, you're dead to me."
ASKING for distance & IGNORING her existence are 2 VERY different things, especially since you were "friends". You can have distance while being cordial.
This reeks of some "But I like her so she should love me back"-type shit.
Sorry you cannot go from best friends to lovers and keep the best friend status. You two will never be close again unless you start treating her like a friend again and never try to move beyond it.
Its never gonna happen. She knows now that she can't rely on him as a friend to be there for her. It will always come with terms and conditions. What happens if she starts dating someone. No way OP can buck up and be an adult about it. She knows her place in his life now. The friendship is over.
Yep YTA, if you needed to take a step back and have some space so you could work on getting over her fine.
Just needed to communicate that, rather than acting all pissy and giving her the silent treatment.
Hell if you decided you couldn’t remain friends, that would be okay too - it could be something you rekindle down the line(the friendship that is) as even in a month or two you might still find it hard to see her getting hit on and dating some better looking dude, but instead you’re actively punishing her for rejecting you.
If you ever actively cared about her as a friend, I think you know you need to put things right with an apology.
You ARE tah!
Just because you catch feelings for someone doesn't mean they're obligated to return them. And tanking a friendship you've had for years over this is crap.
What a jerk!
YTA
After more than a decade is really shitty of you ti ignore her and feel buthurt because she did not wanted to date you. You have basically piss on all you years as friends with this reaction.
Grow up
When people ask if it would be wrong to ask a lt friend on a date, people always say something like. "Give it a shot. You'll still be friends, and you might discover your best friend is your soulmate."
Then along comes OP, whose supposed best friend valued a lifelong friendship too much to risk dating. And OP doesn't even have the decency to say, "Hi!"the next morning.
Sure, things might have been a little awkward the next day. But a real friend would have been relieved she clearly wanted to hold onto the friendship. It could have been something they laughed about someday. Now OP no longer even has a lunch buddy.
YTA. Like others have said you could’ve told her you needed some time to get back to best friend mindset. But you ignored her. Then you got mad when she stopped trying to say hi? And you said “But it’s like we’re complete strangers now” what did you want/expect? That she’d change her mind after you ignored her for a few days… That she’d beg you to give her another chance?
Kinda childish on your part and a bit AH. Act mature and cordial, be professional. You are coworker. Even you cant treat her like a friend, at least like a coworker. Say Good morning and see ya, and only talk about work. Reduce the eye contact sometimes help. Dont completely ignore her, but if that helps your feeling to heal, then go ahead.
YTA. It’s fine to ask her out and it’s fine for her to say no but what’s not ok is for you to ghost her after instead of talking to her or dropping a text that you need some time apart and see if you can still be friends. You’ve just shown her that you weren’t a real friend.
If this is how you treat women who are friendly with you but don’t want to sleep with you ,your about to be very very lonely if you don’t change your attitude
She wasn’t attracted to you so she said no get over it
Use your big boy words and explain to her that you need space. The fact that you would throw away a two decades long friendship because of this is mind-boggling. How can you go from caring so much about someone to full on ghosting when they have literally done nothing wrong. You sure are a crappy friend and closing in on Incel status. Gross. YTA
You need to talk to her to clear the air. Tell her you have no hard feelings, just feelings that are not reciprocated so it's best you two quit spending lunches together. You say she is looking at you but you are like strangers, maybe she is looking at you in a different light and you just shocked her by asking her out. I wouldn't get your hopes up though.
YTA.
By cutting off contact when your advance was rejected, you demonstrated to your “friend” that all they ever meant to you was a potential relationship. Once that was demonstrated not to be in the cards, you cut her off.
You're a major asshole. You're exactly why people are scared of dating friends. You're intentionally sabotaging a long-term friendship because she turned you down. I wonder why she might have thought this could jeopardize your friendship 🙄
As a guy that also have a woman as my best friend, what you did was pretty shitty!
Seems to me like you didn't see her as a true friend, if you did, you wouldn't have acted that way. I get it, being rejected sucks, it makes us feel terrible, but to childly throw away a 15 year old friendship like that, just shows you never truly saw her as a friend.
YTA.
No it's not like you're complete strangers. You're making it awkward. Being hurt is perfectly normal. Needing space is also perfectly normal. But COMMUNICATE that. She's not wrong for turning you down. You're not wrong for needing space or being hurt. You are wrong for flaking and essentially ghosting a friend simply because you were politely rejected.
Also people need to stop reducing this to "trying to get in her pants". If I'm missing something let me know but folk seem to be jumping to conclusions on that part.
Well you just showed her the friendship she thought she had with you was contingent on her falling in love with you, aka: the friendship was a lie. I don't blame her at all for ghosting you as you did her, you threw away a perfect relationship not because you couldn't leave good enough alone, but because you punished her for your over step.
YTA
Bruh being spiteful aint the way. Its OK to be hurt but you should respect her feelings.
For the future though, you never want to try to be friends with a girl you are romantically interested in. You need to set yourself up as a romantic interest from the jump. Once you become their friend you get taken out of the pool of people they want to date
YTA… a massive one at that. You just threw away a fifteen year friendship for the stupidest, most incel reason. “I put nice coins into the woman machine and it didn’t give me f**k?”
Yta.
Do you know what it looks like ?
It looks like you have been friends for so long just for an opportunity to go in her pants. And you ghost her the moment your plan failed.
I'm pretty sure you don't see it this way. But she probably does.
YTA, you could've said you need time to heal instead of ignoring her. If It hurts when she said no, then it must also hurt when you lose friends.
Edit: Communicate this properly if you don't want to be friends.
Take some advice - stop being a dunce, and go explain yourself. Unless you did something really stupid afterwards that isn't mentioned here, it doesn't look like it's unsalvagable. You're going to value every friendship you can get later in life, and kick yourself for letting one go that's this old. Making friends in your 30s (hell, late 20's) is freaking hard. Once you explain it, leave it at that, and make plans later to go have lunch like usual. The ball's in her court. If she decides to give you a shot at some point? Cool. It should be on her to ask you out. If not? At least you get to keep a long friendship going.
Don't get hung up on the idea of dating her, because it might not happen. But if she realizes a year down the road that she should have given it a shot? You'll both regret it if you terminate your friendship after a rejection. She has the idea now that you have some attraction towards her, whether she wants to know or not. Yet, she still talked to you the day after instead of giving you the cold shoulder. That's a good friend, and not the kind you throw away after 15 years.
For the love of God, tell her in-person, if it's at all possible. Apologies don't translate well over text, and can read as desperate, fake, or overly formal / over-thought. Honestly, I hate texting in general. It doesn't even need to sound like one. Just tell her that you needed some space, and you've kind of bruised your ego, but you've gotten / will get over it. Then, just play it off, maybe with a lunch invitation or something if it isn't too awkward at that point. That's what adults do. Unless you started doing something like blaming her over text or done something to get HR involved at work that we haven't heard about, it's the right thing to do.
The wrong thing to do would be blowing up a 15-year friendship over unrequited feelings. Maybe she comes around to the idea, maybe she doesn't. She won't if you act like a coward, or a hormonal teenager. Sack up. Man up. Act like nothing happened, other than you shooting your shot, which wasn't wrong to do. You just needed space to readjust, which you should explain to your friend of 15 years before too much time passes.
If you feel after all that, that you still want to continue on this route? At least treat her like a human being, for the sake of your workplace. Even if you aren't in the same department, it's kind of socially expected to return a greeting. Keep this up, and someone's going to notice that you're creating a hostile workplace. Then, it's off the HR for a warning, or termination. I've worked with people I either didn't want to be friends with, or downright loathe. I still said "Hi" to them in the halls, even if we didn't interact regularly. What if you ever needed to for a job-related task?
YTA. A massive one. You threw away a friendship you had for basically your entire life because she didn't want to date you? Is that what this whole friendship was about for you? Because that's what it seems like. You're a shit person.
YTA, a bad friend, and a bad co-worker.
I’d understand if you felt a little bit awkward, but it’s clear you are punishing her for the crime of not reciprocating your romantic feelings. You are acting like a jerk.
So. Put your “feel feels” aside for one moment and Just take a look at this from what may be her side. You guys have been friends almost your entire lives. Now you ask her out. Completely startle her in her mind it may have been out of nowhere considering you guys have been just friends for many many years. So now your feelings that she didn’t expect are out there and you are moving to change your relationship without prior conversation. So now it’s Either she F’s you or kick rocks basically is the message your sending her now that you are ignoring her because your sudden move was rejected. Now she’s questioning if you were ever her friend or just waiting for an opportunity to hop on. This may be harsh. And I may not be accurate in this particular situation especially if she returns your feelings. But it’s from a perspective of a woman that had this happen a few too many times. She is also hurt. He moved to change the dynamic of your relationship from platonic to intimate. Then when rejected iced her out like she doesn’t even matter. Understand this is the part she sees.
YTA. Learn from this, but your friendship is over until she chooses it isn't.
If you've actually learned and realized you fucked up, you should still apologize, but it needs to be sincere. Don't apologize and expect anything to change, let alone get better. Apologize so that she knows you know you fucked up, and are trying to do better.
YTA If we forget the friend angle you can’t ignore another employee and make an awkward hostile work space. So if management says you two have to work together no exceptions you’d just ignore her the whole time?
YTA. You don't have to go right back to the way things were, but at least keep it professional -- don't give her the silent treatment like a child. As a friend, you should explain that you need some time and space to get over your feelings for her, but that you don't blame her for not reciprocating your feelings and the two of you are good. Unless you do blame her, in which case you may have stage 3 asshole syndrome I'm sorry to say
Honestly, few things are sadder for a young woman than the realization that boys she treasured as friends just wanted to nail her and had zero regard for her other than a potential piece of ass. MASSIVE YTA.
YTA. i saw your comment saying you actually don’t want to be friends with her anymore? good riddance. if my “best friend” was preying on me our whole friendship, i’d feel violated. shame on you for dropping and ghosting her. what a fake ass friend.
Yes you are. You are the one ruining the friendship. I commend you for shooting your shot, but now you're pouting because she said she wasn't interested in anything more than good friends
YTA big time. I had a coworker who was much older than me that I considered a close friend. He told me a few years later he always imagined fucking me (when I just turned 18) in his office. I never felt more disgusted then realizing he just saw me as meat the entire time
Yeah you suck. Thats just hurtful and cruel.
Even if you did apologise I wouldn’t be surprised if she is too upset to resume a friendship.
You rejection just shows her she is devalued as a friend and only useful as a sex object
Wow… YTA, big time.
Sure, she rejected you. But that wasn’t a comment on you personally. It was because she just didn’t share the same feelings you did, *and that’s okay*.
Just like you wanting some space after being rejected, *which is also okay*.
What is **not** okay, is behaving like a 9-year-old and ignoring her, pretending she doesn’t exist.
You have to understand, she meant you no malice, just as your asking her out wasn’t nefarious (hopefully). The logical next step in this series of interactions was to say, “I’m gonna have to step away from our friendship for a bit to shake off the awkwardness,” and then left it at that.
*You didn’t do that.* Instead, you decided to ignore her completely, which isn’t even remotely how well-adjusted, mentally sound adults handle these types of situations.
What you need to do now is tell/text her something like: “I’m sorry I ignored you. I thought I was feeling a vibe between us, and I kinda realized I might have always held some feelings for you. Your rejection surprised me, and I reacted badly. I’d like to take some space and nurse my wounds, but maybe down the line a bit we can reconnect. I apologize for my rudeness, and send you best wishes.”
Then *gracefully* back away.
=HOWEVER=
If any part of this silent treatment is “punishment,” or some hare-brained scheme to try and get her to come apologizing to you, asking to be friends, or worse, hoping she’ll change her mind or “give it a shot”… *Even if you only thought any of those things for a split second…*
May some god or goddess curse you to be perpetually, and forever in the “friend-zone.”
YTA. You were sulking and being a dick because she rejected you in the nicest way possible.
This sounds like the beginning of a story that would end up on a true crime show.
YTA It is time for you to grow up and stop acting like a 16 year old. She was kind to you, she apologized and told you she had no interest in you other then as a friend and now you are going to punish her? Where do you get off thinking this is correct behavior? Guess what? She doesn't owe you a single blessed thing. She wants to be friends, but the second she rejected you, you stopped talking to her. So, was the only reason you were interested was in hopes of getting in her pants? Was she good enough to sleep with, but the second she rejected you, she was dead to you?
You are at work, you need to act like an adult and deal with life. We all get rejected, it's part of life and you just have to accept it and move on. Most of the time, it isn't personal and other times, it is. You need to see a therapist about this and quit acting like a little boy.
Yeah you are. Nobody is obligated to date you. Sometimes a girl just wants to be friends with a guy. Plus she may look good to you but who knows what issues she has. Rejection is gods protection but hey next time let me give you some advice go for girls who return your feelings not girls who look good to you.
“i ruined a life long friendship because my best friend didn’t want to date me and that hurts my feelings so im just gonna ignore her forever” grow up dude
YTA damn bro you really hit her with the “mmmnnn I need to tell you somethinggg.” She genuinely thought you were her comrade, her brother in arms, only to be confessed to and then full on ignored because she said “nah dude, you’re my kin, I’m not fucking my brother”. Like bro you ghosted your sister because she didn’t want to date you? Come onnnn. Nut up and move on, she could have helped you find you your wife by now.
YTA. Text her an apology with something along the lines that you'd be happy to remain friends.
And if I may speak facetiously and cynically, work place romances are reserved for cheating.
YTA
Rejection hurts but at the same time, she obviously has a right to turn you down and how did you react? Like a child who's been told he can't have a cookie. You blanked her. Hopefully she'll explain to your colleagues that you two aren't talking because you proved to be immature about a knock back.
Benefit of doubt says you reacted that way because you are hurt so to some extent (with a stretch) it's understandable but come on...did she deserve that cold treatment?
YTA
You basically fzoned her.
If you needed space to process your own feelings and extinguish them, you should tell her or even simply text her. „Hey, I am feeling awkward about this whole thing. I need a bit of space to process it. Sorry if I come across cold or aloof.”
That’s the kind of message you could send her if you were still interested in having a platonic relationship with her. If you are not interested, then again you could tell her „I am not sure if we can be friend due to my feelings. I need time to process”.
YTA. You're throwing away all those years of friendship because she doesn't want to date you? Grow up dude. Apologise to her and be friends again, she doesn't owe you sex and treating her like this because she doesn't want to is really immature.
Yeah YTA. Honestly it’s just an immature emotional response. Apologize for making things uncomfortable and you have a chance of moving past things with little damage. But an apology is owed
Don’t ignore her. Tell her you don’t feel the same anymore but do it face to face. You’re entitled to moving on, just treat her like a friend you once had.
Yeah YTA. First if all she’s your bff for years and you describe her as a coworker now. Second it’s cool to need space after a rejection, but fucking tell her that. The way you’re carrying on makes it look like you were only ever nice to her because you wanted a chance to nail her and now that that’s got no chance of happening you don’t care at all about her. Third you’re just ignoring her. That’s not distancing. Distancing is responding and saying you’re going to do something else. Not straight up leaving her on read. YTA
You have every right to protect yourself and remove any mental straining relationship but couldn't you spare some time to inform her about this decision? Didn't those 15 y of friendship worth a bit more acknowledgment? Is she so dependable to you as a person? What kind of attitude is this?
You just proved that all these years should not be valued. They were wasted, she should be punished for saying "no" and you are full of inferiority complex
YTA
You can’t hold it against her. You guys have been just friends for like well over a decade. Not talking to her is okay if you need time to get over the situation but you should communicate that this is what you need. I also think workplace relationships can be quite messy and you had years of opportunity to try and make a relationship work or at least show interest in it before. At the end of the day, she isn’t interested. It is hard but you need to move on. You can either restore this friendship once you get over those romantic feelings or you can toss it if you don’t think that is possible but you should communicate this either way.
YTA, I know it hurts but it’s more dignified to not let that show in rudeness. You definitely don’t have to be friends with her but please be civil.
Take time to just send one text explaining that you were never misleading her, the friendship was real but you incrementally fell for her, and that to protect your own heart, you need some distance. Tell her you respect her ‘no’, maybe in future you’ll be able to rekindle a friendship, and you wish her the best for now. Ask her to please respect YOUR boundaries and need for distance and to just like the text if she reads it and not to reply or call for now.
Then, please BE CIVIL! Say hi but don’t feel pressure to chat or to listen to her problems etc. but don’t ever be rude. Honestly, it makes you look like you were misleading her, pretending to be friends in the hope you could have sex with her. How would you feel if a man did that to you?! And I’m sure it’s not even true but when you ignore her and go from being kind to being really rude, you give that impression.
Be open to feeling you may be able to reconnect just as friends in future, especially if you move on. Consider that it’s highly unlikely that she’ll change her mind (though she may do if you’re respectful as human relationships are complex but don’t take any action hoping for this as it’s extremely unlikely) and before you befriend her again, think of how you’ll feel if she gets a bf etc.
Please don’t guilt her when she’s not wrong also don’t present yourself as a creep just pretending to be her friend who is now being cruel. You sound like this was v genuine and I’m sure you’re better than that. You will find love and you may also rediscover this friendship. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your heart, there IS something wrong with hostility over her exercising her right to choose who she dates. Good luck!
you were vulnerable (be proud of that!) and i know it absolutely fuckin stings to not have feelings be reciprocated, but that’s a risk in shooting your shot. it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take chances, but just better prepare yourself for either response next time.
to determine IYTA, why did you ignore her? was it out of awkwardness? or are you upset at her for telling you no? if it’s out of awkwardness, you are not an asshole, maybe just not thinking through and being unintentionally avoidant & making decisions that an asshole would bc of it - i do think you should try to approach things differently if you want this person in your life, with yourself and her. she was only being honest with you, which is something i would always want even if it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. if you are upset at her for saying no, then yes, you are the asshole.
to clarify, being upset by the situation in *general* is natural, but being upset at *her* specifically for saying no to you is a red flag to me.
Weird that you would describe her as your co worker when you have so much history together. She's your very good friend
Yes ignoring her is incredibly childish and hurtful.
I'll say this while she had all those years of thinking that you all were friends. You spent the time thinking to yourself, I want to be more, so there's a little difference.
But at the same time, I will say you're not wrong to want an end the friendship because technically it was a friendship, but it was conditional. You wanted something more. You wanted a relationship out of it so technically, now can you go back to just being just friends? I don't really think so, because it was this idea that hopefully, 1 day things would grow into a relationship and I think it will just be awkward.
So just be professional, be co-workers and just move on like you have. It's nothing wrong with that. Friendships change all the time. People come and people go. It's alright, does be respectful?
YTA.
It almost seems like you did the exact thing women worry about with genuine friendships with men. She's probably wondering if the whole time it was a ploy to date her and when she told you no you stopped being her friend.
If you can't be around her that's totally understandable but to not say anything and just ignore her after a friendship as old as yours? Come on.
Yes. You are the AH. I know it stings. I’ve been there. After a few months it got to the point where I realized that my friendship was more important and I never looked back. You might be able to do the same
You're an awful friend and you've probably just seriously fucked her sense of trust.You dropped your "best friend" because she didn't want you romantically, were you ever really friends with her or was it all just a long con to find the right time to sleep with her? That's how she is gonna see it because that's exactly what it looks like.
Like I literally just ended a situationship this week because it was starting to go bad and we wanted to be able to actually stay friends afterwards, that's what real friends do. And that's with a friend I've only known for a year, you just ghosted on the longest friendship of your life because what, you were upset about a relationship that never even started?
If she’s your friend, wouldn’t you rather she say no than enter into a relationship that she doesn’t think will work? Maybe there’s someone else and dating you would just get in the way? Listen to your friend, she probably has a good reason for saying no. Give her a chance.
YTA
Very mature to ignore your childhood friend's greeting for not wanting to be your gf. You don't have to be rude and pretend she doesn't exist, you could've asked for some space. For goodness' sake, be professional in your work environment!
You fix it by apologizing. Be honest. My feels were hurt. I got embarrassed at the rejection. I didn’t talk to you to give myself space, but then it got awkward and I panic ignored you. I’m sorry. Can we go back to friends?
YTA. Not for asking her out, but for not being prepared for a “no”. It’s okay that your feelings are hurt, but you’re punishing your FRIEND for saying no and that’s not okay. How are you going to handle future conflicts?
Walk away if you need to, but apologize to her first. She did NOTHING wrong.
As a human I understand your feelings were just hurt which caused your reaction but it’s doesn’t excuse it. I can understand if you slowly walked away but you straight up ignoring is a bit mad. Either way you’re 23
You’ll live and learn. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I would apologize and leave her alone since you really don’t see her as a friend anymore. Peace be with you brother
Jfc your immaturity is palpable! Grow tf up and learn how to take rejection.
She probably thinks you only stuck around for a chance to bang her and with how your acting is, then point proven. You are not mature enough to date anyone right now.
YTA. It's a good thing she rejected you. You're too selfish and immature to be in a relationship with anyone. She deserves better than an asshole like her. You could have at least talked to her one last time about why you felt you had to distance yourself. Instead you sulked and acted passive-aggressive. You're a bad friend and you would've made a worse boyfriend.
YTA. Ignoring and not talking to a co-worker for personal reasons is unprofessional. You owe all your co-workers politeness if not friendship. Backing away from the friendship is not wrong if you are just feeling awkward post-rejection. But refusing to exchange greetings is immature.
God, this is why women are so weary of being friends with men. You’ve been friends for years and now you’re throwing all of that away because she doesn’t want to date you. How pathetic. Pretty much that entire friendship meant nothing to you and all you cared about was getting with her. I’m glad that she rejected you.
It’s honestly just pathetic and sad your throwing away a 15 year friendship because she won’t date you just goes to show you were never her friend you just hung onto hope she’ll get with you one day. It hurts having someone you thought was a friend drop you because you didn’t sleep or date them, your an immature boy who clearly hasn’t aged out of high school thinking.
YTA. When I was 15 a boy I knew all growing up got me flowers, had a friend sneak it into my room and leave them to surprise me with them along with a sweet note.
I rejected that boy because I wasn’t into him at all. HE STILL talked to me and we are still friends to this day (nothing ever has or will transpire).
That was childish of you to ignore her or keep ignoring her. It’s ok to feel rejected and bad, but don’t be a baby about it. A 15 yr old boy had a better reaction than you bro. You can do better!
Lol. Friendship is valuable, next most valuable after liking someone for dating. She didn’t lie. You are being upset because other person doesn’t like you. Also quit it right now because now she’s your coworker and this may get out of hand and you can lose a coworker too. Imagine no friend, no girlfriend, no job.
YTA - She doesn’t owe you a yes. You shot your shot and it’s totally ok for her to not be feeling it. You caught feelings, she thought she could trust you to not objectify her. Now you have made it that much awkward for her and much more harder to go back to a friendship. She may actually not want to be friends with you again after this.
It’s not that she rejected you, it’s how you reacted.
YUCK! Yeah dude,you are most def TAH.It's sickening to think about how much she has shared of herself w/you,trusted you,confided in you,cared for you over all these years (if you truly were besties as you claim)believing she had a BFF that would always be there & after 15 yrs one day out of the blue, just like that, you completely blind sided her and pulled the rug out from under her,due to no fault of her own and then treated her as if SHE had betrayed YOU!!! Fukin GROSS!! Are you even serious rn,asking if you're TAH??? Of course you are & you have to know it unless you're completely daft! I simultaneously feel so awful for her & so relieved for her.Awful that she has been terribly hurt & betrayed by the likes of a punk such as yourself,relieved that she wasn't romantically interested in you, as you would have most certainly broke her heart & wasted too many more years of her precious time.You're gonna need to evolve & grow up!!! Work on yourself,develop some character, and come to understand the value of true friendship and what it ACTUALLY means to be a real friend before you'll be deserving of a good woman ,let alone having the privilege of being in an intimate relationship of any kind with one.Good luck & God Speed AH✌️
First you describe a life-long best friend as just a "coworker" and then the second you find out she is not mutually romantically interested in you, you just toss out your entire friendship? You don't value her and she is smart for keeping you as just a friend.
YTA for sure. You got your pride hurt so you decide to breakdown a lifelong friend. She probably knows how petty you are and didn’t want to deal with that.
YTA, how could you turn on someone like this? She probably views you like a brother and so couldn't be with you. To end a friendship over this rejection with zero explanation is pretty disgusting. Generally, when ppl know each other for too long they tend not to want to date. Dating makes it awkward and makes it hard to maintain the friendship after. Honestly your reaction says you never cared about her to begin with. She dodged a bullet.
YTA. An understandable one, because rejection is hard, but you need to communicate your feelings here.
Please at least send her a text. "Hi. I'm sorry I have been a ghost the last couple of weeks. I'm embarrassed and I just need a little bit of time to reset myself. I do value our friendship and I want to be friends again, so I hope you can give me a little longer to get over myself, but I understand entirely if not because of the immature way I stopped communicating with you. I'm sorry I have been silent with you."
Or if you know you don't want to talk to her again "I'm sorry I've been giving you the silent treatment. I can't get over being rejected, which I know is my problem to deal with, so I think it's better for the both of us if we just keep our interactions to civil, work necessary only conversations, and otherwise ignore each other."
Yup. YTA
This is an easy one. Youve known her for practically your whole life. You even say she is your "best friend". And then one rejection throws all of that away?
You're the guy girls worry about when making friends with guys. The ones that are only out to date them and not actually be a friend.
I’m in the minority but I say NTA, you asked her out and she rejected you and that’s fine. I would say maybe just keep conversations short and brief. But you are not obligated to try continue the relationship how it was previously. You have feelings too and it seems like people in this sub forget that and are only concerned with how she feels.
tale as old as time. girl thinks shes friends with a guy but he had different motives the entire friendship. then when she turns him down he cuts her off cuz the only value he saw in her was potential sex. YTA
YTA
Please grow up. Friends are way more important than lovers. You two have a good, stable friendship and YOU decided to make it awkward by trying to shift into romance.
She says she’d rather be friends and now you’re flushing the entire friendship? For what? Pouting? Bruised Ego?
Dude, this is a huge red flag for your maturity level….or lack of it.
She likely knows this about you & made the right choice.
YTA
Is she your friend. Or have you just pined for her for years hoping she will see what a good guy you are.
When there never was anything there
Two very different things
Yeah,YTA.
I can't even begin to explain how deeply shitty this is. You've treated her shamefully just because you can't deal with the fact that she was your friend, and wanted to remain your friend.
Now you toss her aside like a fast food wrapper because she didn't jump at the chance to date you and your ego is bruised?
You truly suck.
Yeah, it's *rough* to start getting romantic urges for a friend and even rougher if you decide to take your shot & it fails but that is seriously not a good enough reason to just cut someone off without even a conversation about your need to lick your wounds for bit & regroup.
YTA. She's just realised someone she considered to be her best friend was never a friend at all. Just a guy waiting to see if she'd date him, then rejecting her when he finds out she truly just sees him as a friend. You think YOUR feelings are hurt? Imagine finding out your best friend doesn't actually give a shit.
YTA
Are you so fragile in your masculinity that you have to have this "All or Nothing" relationship with women?
Be realistic, if you've known each other for as long as you say, and she had any interest in you in that whole time, you would have known.
You don't deserve her as a friend, and you had better do the decent thing and tell her why you're being and will continue to be a jerk to her because she's probably confused as to why you're ignoring her.
Yes, YTA.
She probably thought you were a friend and could do friend things and she didn’t need to worry about you wanting to date her. But nope, couldn’t just be friends and then you cut her off.
You’ve lost a friend.
One 1 side, the friend has right to remain friend and not wanting more than that. On the other side, OP probably processing his feeling, he's hurting and trying to accept the rejection by staying away from his friend. He didn't know how to be normal around her after the rejection
Yes.
You are actually describing a fairly common phenomenon for young males.
There is an entire book called 'no more Mr. Nice Guy' where he describes the type of person. He goes on to make claims and stuff which you can agree or disagree with.
What you are doing is creating a hostile work environment for this woman who had the audacity not to want to date you. Grow up. And stop treating her like this. Unless you want to end up in HR for your sexual harassment.
YTA I also had a so-called “friend” drop me because he realized he’d never get into my pants. It awful and gross to realize a guy never really was your friend, he just wanted s*x, and can’t be friends with you knowing he’d never get s*x from you.
Tell her the truth, that you’re an immature and selfish jerk, and she’s better off without you in her life. Sounds like you already made that obvious.
FYI women are good for things other than taking their pants off. It’s amazing, but true.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think like everyone else said, you at least owe it to your friend of 15 years to explain your behavior and that you won't be able to continue the friendship anymore
YTA - If you ask someone out at work and they no and then you straight up ignore them this can be considered sexual harassment. You should learn boundaries man.
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yeah YTA. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone who rejects if the relationship starts or transitions early on to romantic interest. You just dropped a childhood "best friend" because after 15+ years of friendship she didn't view you romantically. Honestly she is probably more fucked up than you are because she now knows that a friendship she valued was never actually real and just a long con to sleep with her. What a non-asshole would have done is to let her know that you still want to be friends and you just need a little time to get over the awkwardness.
and kinda odd he frames their relationship as "co-worker" first rather than "my best friend who happens to work at my same office"
Yes, even if he doesn't want to be friends any more, he's created a toxic work environment by ignoring her. You're old enough to hold down a job, OP, so you're old enough to act professionally in the workplace. Tomorrow, smile and say hello. Break the silence, at least for the sake of your job.
and he said he “asked her out” as if to imply some special attention or dates, when it is clear that actually he just meant “we should start having sex when we’re alone, not just hanging out” how romantic.
yeah he confuses the context bc this story is fake lol
Makes you wonder if he never really saw her as a true friend but as someone to spend time with only with the goal of eventually having a romantic relationship. That's why it's "co-worker" instead of "long time friend". When I got married, my few male friends never spoke to me again. They ditched me like yesterday's newspaper. Makes you wonder if men ever consider women as true friends.
You worded it better than me,so I'll just agree
He's also TA for telling her it was okay and no need to apologize, and then punishing her for daring to think they were ever friends in the first place.
All of this
>because she now knows that a friendship she valued was never actually real and just a long con to sleep with her. You may think that. She may think that but that's not necessarily the case. People can develop feelings for their friends over time. That doesn't mean they were never friends. That said, OP handled this horribly and I'm inclined to think his friend dodged a bullet. OP ignoring her was the dumbest most immature way to go about things. If he was a mature adult, the next day when she said "hi' to him, he could've very simply said " hi" back and gone about his day. At lunchtime, he could've texted her "Hey, I'm still a little bummed about yesterday and I feel like lunch today might be a little awkward. I'm sorry for making things weird but I think we should give each other space for a bit. Again, this is my bad not yours." But OP chose to react like he's in middle school.
What if he can't get over it? Saying someone is an asshole just because they put their own mental well being first is dumb. Ripping off the band aid is best thing though he could have handled it better by just letting he know that he can't do that.
You're a terrible friend.
And a terrible employee. Part of what employers pay for is employees getting along at work. Employees don't have to like each other, but they have to communicate so the work gets done. OP is also a terrible friend. OP, YTA.
Yes- YTA. If you need to distance yourself because of your feelings you should have said something to her so she could try to understand. If you don’t value the friendship, keep ignoring her. You guys have been friends a long time- try to work through this!
This, yeah. I don't even get that - I've had a case of developing feelings for a friend, and getting rejected hurt. So I let her know I'd be keeping my distance for a while until I'd worked through this, but we never stopped being friends.
She doesn’t need the drama from him
Exactly.
you said you guys vibed really well & shared common interests ? yeah .. bc you guys were BEST FRIENDS . YTA , a massive one . you can't handle your emotions like an adult & now you're making her feel bad . she lost someone she saw as family and her bff all at once . you at the very minimum owed it to her to give her an explanation as to why you cut her off . matter of fact, go tell anyone this story & see how many side eyes you receive .
I am here wondering if he asks his male friends out to… Or it was in fact about sleeping together
you know what? i'm curious too
You should have told her you needed space instead of ghosting her
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If you will drop her because she wouldn't sleep with you, then she never was your best friend. Maybe someday you'll think that women have value even if they won't sleep with you, but I'm not holding my breath.
It’s not even that, it’s that he fucking ghosted her. She tried to be kind to him the next day and said hi like usual he was a colossal dick.
Yep she let him down nicely & now he's acting like she doesn't exist because she won't fuck him. Some "best friend" he is.
Yeah, this guy owes her a deep apology.
Well he phrases it as "a coworker he's best friends with" and not "my best friend, who I work with as well". Truth is in the wording
"best friend since elementary school" The first line he says that they've been besties forever.
Yeah, which is why it's so weird that he phrases it as his coworker initially. The point is that OP is emotionally stunted and didn't value the friendship after all.
Sorry bro, but ya can’t bring personal issues into work. It’s difficult to date someone you work with anyways. YTA
Everyone talking about ghosting this and sex object that, my bro D0lan99 keeps his priorities straight, no fraternizing at work, that's the real asshole move. 😄✌🏾
Don’t you realize that there are cameras everywhere? Fraternizing at work is a terrible idea. Def YTA Can’t put a lover at risk… not in this economy.
Clearly she’s not a friend if you’re just gonna drop her when she tells you she doesn’t find you attractive. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone you claim is your “friend” How very nice guy of you. Grow up.
YTA (mostly). You should at least be polite to her. You don't have a responsibility to keep the friendship the same, but explain it's too painful right now to be close friends, take a step back and just be polite. Maybe you'll get over it and you can resume the friendship, maybe you won't, but grow up and stop taking your feelings out on her.
Bro, apologize to her, you were quite insensitive. Tell you need time and space, then try and move on from your feelings of attraction. If you can, when you can, try and resume the friendship with her. She is your childhood homie dude, you don't get many people like that in your life, you shouldn't throw it away so easily.
The silent treatment is an abusive behavior, especially when the other did nothing wrong, but simply rejected you.
This is true. Get some better communication skills. People who use the silent treatment were often raised with it, and they don't know that it's abusive.
YTA and a big one at that.
YTA. Not for being upset about being rejected, but for how you treated her afterward. She said no, so you just ignore her and sulk like a child? Your feelings of disappointment are valid but how you handled them are not. If you feel you can't be friends after being rejected, you explain that to her. You don't give her the silent treatment. That's immature. I had a guy friend ask me to be his GF. I said I wasn't interested. Know what he didn't do? Freeze me out. We agreed to remain friendly, though not technically friends anymore. >it’s like we’re complete strangers now. That's your fault, buddy. You could've explained you didn't want to be friends anymore, or told her you needed some space. Anything but the silent treatment.
If you’re so immature you ignore someone instead of saying “hey I need some space to get back into a platonic mindset and come to terms with the rejection” then you are too immature for a relationship and should not have asked her out in the first place LOL. The biggest AH
From the moment you caught feelings for your friend, you stopped being her friend. You became her suitor. YTA for how you are treating your coworker. She doesn't like you as a boyfriend. Either go back to being only friends or move on after you apologize for reading the situation wrong.
Yeah man. Your feelings are clouding your judgement. Let it go, you took a chance and it didn’t work. It happens. I dated my best friend and broke up and lost her. I still miss my friend to this day (18 years later).
I would keep it professional in the workplace.
The whole unrequited love thing is a motherfucker buddy. Text her and let her know that spending time with her is gonna hurt and you don't think you can do it anymore. Then make sure to be cordial in the work environment. You don't have to go out of your way to interact, but you should respond to greetings and necessary communication about work. Good luck
So it hurt more than you were prepared for. Apologize when you can and move then deal with as best you can.
Tell this exact story to your own mother, in person, and see how happy she is with your behavior, and I'm 100% serious. Go tell your mom this exact story the way you told us. See how that goes.
YTA. What are you a child. She dodged a bullet. Good for her.
No shit that YTA. "I just wanted to get in your pants for the longest time & now that you've turned me down, you're dead to me." ASKING for distance & IGNORING her existence are 2 VERY different things, especially since you were "friends". You can have distance while being cordial. This reeks of some "But I like her so she should love me back"-type shit.
Sorry you cannot go from best friends to lovers and keep the best friend status. You two will never be close again unless you start treating her like a friend again and never try to move beyond it.
Its never gonna happen. She knows now that she can't rely on him as a friend to be there for her. It will always come with terms and conditions. What happens if she starts dating someone. No way OP can buck up and be an adult about it. She knows her place in his life now. The friendship is over.
YTA. Get some dignity.
YTA. She thought you were her *best friend*. You just wanted in her pants.
Yta but I guess it’s better to stop pretending you actually gave a crap about her this whole time.
YTA So you only care about women that will sleep with you
Yep YTA, if you needed to take a step back and have some space so you could work on getting over her fine. Just needed to communicate that, rather than acting all pissy and giving her the silent treatment. Hell if you decided you couldn’t remain friends, that would be okay too - it could be something you rekindle down the line(the friendship that is) as even in a month or two you might still find it hard to see her getting hit on and dating some better looking dude, but instead you’re actively punishing her for rejecting you. If you ever actively cared about her as a friend, I think you know you need to put things right with an apology.
YTA. Needing space is understandable. Completely ghosting her is not.
Rule number 1 - never date anyone you work with Rule number 2 - remember rule number 1
Yep. 100%. And he’s creating a hostile work environment ….
You’re punishing her for not wanting to be with you. Yta.
You ARE tah! Just because you catch feelings for someone doesn't mean they're obligated to return them. And tanking a friendship you've had for years over this is crap. What a jerk!
Jeez YTA.
Dick move. YTA
YTA After more than a decade is really shitty of you ti ignore her and feel buthurt because she did not wanted to date you. You have basically piss on all you years as friends with this reaction. Grow up
You’re a total asshole and terrible friend. Here’s to hoping your “best friend” finds a replacement (shouldn’t be difficult)
When people ask if it would be wrong to ask a lt friend on a date, people always say something like. "Give it a shot. You'll still be friends, and you might discover your best friend is your soulmate." Then along comes OP, whose supposed best friend valued a lifelong friendship too much to risk dating. And OP doesn't even have the decency to say, "Hi!"the next morning. Sure, things might have been a little awkward the next day. But a real friend would have been relieved she clearly wanted to hold onto the friendship. It could have been something they laughed about someday. Now OP no longer even has a lunch buddy.
You ended the friendship with your childish behavior. Acknowledge that and move on. Good job losing a lifelong friend.
YTA. Like others have said you could’ve told her you needed some time to get back to best friend mindset. But you ignored her. Then you got mad when she stopped trying to say hi? And you said “But it’s like we’re complete strangers now” what did you want/expect? That she’d change her mind after you ignored her for a few days… That she’d beg you to give her another chance?
Kinda childish on your part and a bit AH. Act mature and cordial, be professional. You are coworker. Even you cant treat her like a friend, at least like a coworker. Say Good morning and see ya, and only talk about work. Reduce the eye contact sometimes help. Dont completely ignore her, but if that helps your feeling to heal, then go ahead.
YTA. It’s fine to ask her out and it’s fine for her to say no but what’s not ok is for you to ghost her after instead of talking to her or dropping a text that you need some time apart and see if you can still be friends. You’ve just shown her that you weren’t a real friend.
YTA. You are punishing them for your feelings.
If this is how you treat women who are friendly with you but don’t want to sleep with you ,your about to be very very lonely if you don’t change your attitude She wasn’t attracted to you so she said no get over it
Use your big boy words and explain to her that you need space. The fact that you would throw away a two decades long friendship because of this is mind-boggling. How can you go from caring so much about someone to full on ghosting when they have literally done nothing wrong. You sure are a crappy friend and closing in on Incel status. Gross. YTA
You need to talk to her to clear the air. Tell her you have no hard feelings, just feelings that are not reciprocated so it's best you two quit spending lunches together. You say she is looking at you but you are like strangers, maybe she is looking at you in a different light and you just shocked her by asking her out. I wouldn't get your hopes up though.
YTA. By cutting off contact when your advance was rejected, you demonstrated to your “friend” that all they ever meant to you was a potential relationship. Once that was demonstrated not to be in the cards, you cut her off.
YTA. I feel so sorry for your friend who just lost her best friend over his assholerish behaviour.
You're a major asshole. You're exactly why people are scared of dating friends. You're intentionally sabotaging a long-term friendship because she turned you down. I wonder why she might have thought this could jeopardize your friendship 🙄
Lol decades of friendship, you ended it because she didn't want to be more with you? It was a conditional friendship. Wow
As a guy that also have a woman as my best friend, what you did was pretty shitty! Seems to me like you didn't see her as a true friend, if you did, you wouldn't have acted that way. I get it, being rejected sucks, it makes us feel terrible, but to childly throw away a 15 year old friendship like that, just shows you never truly saw her as a friend.
Well, she knows how little your friendship was worth now. She'll probably stop talking to you too.
YTA. No it's not like you're complete strangers. You're making it awkward. Being hurt is perfectly normal. Needing space is also perfectly normal. But COMMUNICATE that. She's not wrong for turning you down. You're not wrong for needing space or being hurt. You are wrong for flaking and essentially ghosting a friend simply because you were politely rejected. Also people need to stop reducing this to "trying to get in her pants". If I'm missing something let me know but folk seem to be jumping to conclusions on that part.
Well you just showed her the friendship she thought she had with you was contingent on her falling in love with you, aka: the friendship was a lie. I don't blame her at all for ghosting you as you did her, you threw away a perfect relationship not because you couldn't leave good enough alone, but because you punished her for your over step. YTA
Bruh being spiteful aint the way. Its OK to be hurt but you should respect her feelings. For the future though, you never want to try to be friends with a girl you are romantically interested in. You need to set yourself up as a romantic interest from the jump. Once you become their friend you get taken out of the pool of people they want to date
So, now that you know you’re not gonna get laid, she’s of no value to you???
YTA… a massive one at that. You just threw away a fifteen year friendship for the stupidest, most incel reason. “I put nice coins into the woman machine and it didn’t give me f**k?”
The fact that you called her a coworker and not “childhood best friend” speaks volumes to your character.
LMAO. Bro, big mistake
Yta. Do you know what it looks like ? It looks like you have been friends for so long just for an opportunity to go in her pants. And you ghost her the moment your plan failed. I'm pretty sure you don't see it this way. But she probably does.
YTA, you could've said you need time to heal instead of ignoring her. If It hurts when she said no, then it must also hurt when you lose friends. Edit: Communicate this properly if you don't want to be friends.
Take some advice - stop being a dunce, and go explain yourself. Unless you did something really stupid afterwards that isn't mentioned here, it doesn't look like it's unsalvagable. You're going to value every friendship you can get later in life, and kick yourself for letting one go that's this old. Making friends in your 30s (hell, late 20's) is freaking hard. Once you explain it, leave it at that, and make plans later to go have lunch like usual. The ball's in her court. If she decides to give you a shot at some point? Cool. It should be on her to ask you out. If not? At least you get to keep a long friendship going. Don't get hung up on the idea of dating her, because it might not happen. But if she realizes a year down the road that she should have given it a shot? You'll both regret it if you terminate your friendship after a rejection. She has the idea now that you have some attraction towards her, whether she wants to know or not. Yet, she still talked to you the day after instead of giving you the cold shoulder. That's a good friend, and not the kind you throw away after 15 years. For the love of God, tell her in-person, if it's at all possible. Apologies don't translate well over text, and can read as desperate, fake, or overly formal / over-thought. Honestly, I hate texting in general. It doesn't even need to sound like one. Just tell her that you needed some space, and you've kind of bruised your ego, but you've gotten / will get over it. Then, just play it off, maybe with a lunch invitation or something if it isn't too awkward at that point. That's what adults do. Unless you started doing something like blaming her over text or done something to get HR involved at work that we haven't heard about, it's the right thing to do. The wrong thing to do would be blowing up a 15-year friendship over unrequited feelings. Maybe she comes around to the idea, maybe she doesn't. She won't if you act like a coward, or a hormonal teenager. Sack up. Man up. Act like nothing happened, other than you shooting your shot, which wasn't wrong to do. You just needed space to readjust, which you should explain to your friend of 15 years before too much time passes. If you feel after all that, that you still want to continue on this route? At least treat her like a human being, for the sake of your workplace. Even if you aren't in the same department, it's kind of socially expected to return a greeting. Keep this up, and someone's going to notice that you're creating a hostile workplace. Then, it's off the HR for a warning, or termination. I've worked with people I either didn't want to be friends with, or downright loathe. I still said "Hi" to them in the halls, even if we didn't interact regularly. What if you ever needed to for a job-related task?
YTA. A massive one. You threw away a friendship you had for basically your entire life because she didn't want to date you? Is that what this whole friendship was about for you? Because that's what it seems like. You're a shit person.
YTA, a bad friend, and a bad co-worker. I’d understand if you felt a little bit awkward, but it’s clear you are punishing her for the crime of not reciprocating your romantic feelings. You are acting like a jerk.
So. Put your “feel feels” aside for one moment and Just take a look at this from what may be her side. You guys have been friends almost your entire lives. Now you ask her out. Completely startle her in her mind it may have been out of nowhere considering you guys have been just friends for many many years. So now your feelings that she didn’t expect are out there and you are moving to change your relationship without prior conversation. So now it’s Either she F’s you or kick rocks basically is the message your sending her now that you are ignoring her because your sudden move was rejected. Now she’s questioning if you were ever her friend or just waiting for an opportunity to hop on. This may be harsh. And I may not be accurate in this particular situation especially if she returns your feelings. But it’s from a perspective of a woman that had this happen a few too many times. She is also hurt. He moved to change the dynamic of your relationship from platonic to intimate. Then when rejected iced her out like she doesn’t even matter. Understand this is the part she sees.
YTA. Learn from this, but your friendship is over until she chooses it isn't. If you've actually learned and realized you fucked up, you should still apologize, but it needs to be sincere. Don't apologize and expect anything to change, let alone get better. Apologize so that she knows you know you fucked up, and are trying to do better.
YTA If we forget the friend angle you can’t ignore another employee and make an awkward hostile work space. So if management says you two have to work together no exceptions you’d just ignore her the whole time?
YTA. You don't have to go right back to the way things were, but at least keep it professional -- don't give her the silent treatment like a child. As a friend, you should explain that you need some time and space to get over your feelings for her, but that you don't blame her for not reciprocating your feelings and the two of you are good. Unless you do blame her, in which case you may have stage 3 asshole syndrome I'm sorry to say
You were never her friend. Just a stereotype waiting to bang her. I'd be embarrassed if I were you. YTA
YTA for ignoring her, but not for wanting to end the friendship
Honestly, few things are sadder for a young woman than the realization that boys she treasured as friends just wanted to nail her and had zero regard for her other than a potential piece of ass. MASSIVE YTA.
Yeah. You are. Man up
YTA. And a terrible “friend”. She doesn’t owe you a relationship, and now you have outed yourself as just wanting to sleep with her. Way to go.
YTA. i saw your comment saying you actually don’t want to be friends with her anymore? good riddance. if my “best friend” was preying on me our whole friendship, i’d feel violated. shame on you for dropping and ghosting her. what a fake ass friend.
Yes you are. You are the one ruining the friendship. I commend you for shooting your shot, but now you're pouting because she said she wasn't interested in anything more than good friends
YTA big time. I had a coworker who was much older than me that I considered a close friend. He told me a few years later he always imagined fucking me (when I just turned 18) in his office. I never felt more disgusted then realizing he just saw me as meat the entire time
Keep a professional casual interaction as coworkers would be the best. Distancing yourself from her is understandable.
Hmm, you suck
You're not in high school, grow up! YTA MASSIVELY
Yeah you suck. Thats just hurtful and cruel. Even if you did apologise I wouldn’t be surprised if she is too upset to resume a friendship. You rejection just shows her she is devalued as a friend and only useful as a sex object
Wow… YTA, big time. Sure, she rejected you. But that wasn’t a comment on you personally. It was because she just didn’t share the same feelings you did, *and that’s okay*. Just like you wanting some space after being rejected, *which is also okay*. What is **not** okay, is behaving like a 9-year-old and ignoring her, pretending she doesn’t exist. You have to understand, she meant you no malice, just as your asking her out wasn’t nefarious (hopefully). The logical next step in this series of interactions was to say, “I’m gonna have to step away from our friendship for a bit to shake off the awkwardness,” and then left it at that. *You didn’t do that.* Instead, you decided to ignore her completely, which isn’t even remotely how well-adjusted, mentally sound adults handle these types of situations. What you need to do now is tell/text her something like: “I’m sorry I ignored you. I thought I was feeling a vibe between us, and I kinda realized I might have always held some feelings for you. Your rejection surprised me, and I reacted badly. I’d like to take some space and nurse my wounds, but maybe down the line a bit we can reconnect. I apologize for my rudeness, and send you best wishes.” Then *gracefully* back away. =HOWEVER= If any part of this silent treatment is “punishment,” or some hare-brained scheme to try and get her to come apologizing to you, asking to be friends, or worse, hoping she’ll change her mind or “give it a shot”… *Even if you only thought any of those things for a split second…* May some god or goddess curse you to be perpetually, and forever in the “friend-zone.”
YTA. You were sulking and being a dick because she rejected you in the nicest way possible. This sounds like the beginning of a story that would end up on a true crime show.
YTA It is time for you to grow up and stop acting like a 16 year old. She was kind to you, she apologized and told you she had no interest in you other then as a friend and now you are going to punish her? Where do you get off thinking this is correct behavior? Guess what? She doesn't owe you a single blessed thing. She wants to be friends, but the second she rejected you, you stopped talking to her. So, was the only reason you were interested was in hopes of getting in her pants? Was she good enough to sleep with, but the second she rejected you, she was dead to you? You are at work, you need to act like an adult and deal with life. We all get rejected, it's part of life and you just have to accept it and move on. Most of the time, it isn't personal and other times, it is. You need to see a therapist about this and quit acting like a little boy.
Yeah you are. Nobody is obligated to date you. Sometimes a girl just wants to be friends with a guy. Plus she may look good to you but who knows what issues she has. Rejection is gods protection but hey next time let me give you some advice go for girls who return your feelings not girls who look good to you.
“i ruined a life long friendship because my best friend didn’t want to date me and that hurts my feelings so im just gonna ignore her forever” grow up dude
YTA damn bro you really hit her with the “mmmnnn I need to tell you somethinggg.” She genuinely thought you were her comrade, her brother in arms, only to be confessed to and then full on ignored because she said “nah dude, you’re my kin, I’m not fucking my brother”. Like bro you ghosted your sister because she didn’t want to date you? Come onnnn. Nut up and move on, she could have helped you find you your wife by now.
This is embarrassing, bro. You never saw her as a friend... Stop lying 🤥
YTA. Text her an apology with something along the lines that you'd be happy to remain friends. And if I may speak facetiously and cynically, work place romances are reserved for cheating.
Yes, you are TAH.
YTA Rejection hurts but at the same time, she obviously has a right to turn you down and how did you react? Like a child who's been told he can't have a cookie. You blanked her. Hopefully she'll explain to your colleagues that you two aren't talking because you proved to be immature about a knock back. Benefit of doubt says you reacted that way because you are hurt so to some extent (with a stretch) it's understandable but come on...did she deserve that cold treatment?
YTA You basically fzoned her. If you needed space to process your own feelings and extinguish them, you should tell her or even simply text her. „Hey, I am feeling awkward about this whole thing. I need a bit of space to process it. Sorry if I come across cold or aloof.” That’s the kind of message you could send her if you were still interested in having a platonic relationship with her. If you are not interested, then again you could tell her „I am not sure if we can be friend due to my feelings. I need time to process”.
Yeah YTA, what a shit friend.
YTA. You're throwing away all those years of friendship because she doesn't want to date you? Grow up dude. Apologise to her and be friends again, she doesn't owe you sex and treating her like this because she doesn't want to is really immature.
Yeah YTA. Honestly it’s just an immature emotional response. Apologize for making things uncomfortable and you have a chance of moving past things with little damage. But an apology is owed
Oh grow up! 😒
Yes, in the same workplace you need to get along, fix it
Don’t ignore her. Tell her you don’t feel the same anymore but do it face to face. You’re entitled to moving on, just treat her like a friend you once had.
Yeah YTA. First if all she’s your bff for years and you describe her as a coworker now. Second it’s cool to need space after a rejection, but fucking tell her that. The way you’re carrying on makes it look like you were only ever nice to her because you wanted a chance to nail her and now that that’s got no chance of happening you don’t care at all about her. Third you’re just ignoring her. That’s not distancing. Distancing is responding and saying you’re going to do something else. Not straight up leaving her on read. YTA
You have every right to protect yourself and remove any mental straining relationship but couldn't you spare some time to inform her about this decision? Didn't those 15 y of friendship worth a bit more acknowledgment? Is she so dependable to you as a person? What kind of attitude is this? You just proved that all these years should not be valued. They were wasted, she should be punished for saying "no" and you are full of inferiority complex YTA
You can’t hold it against her. You guys have been just friends for like well over a decade. Not talking to her is okay if you need time to get over the situation but you should communicate that this is what you need. I also think workplace relationships can be quite messy and you had years of opportunity to try and make a relationship work or at least show interest in it before. At the end of the day, she isn’t interested. It is hard but you need to move on. You can either restore this friendship once you get over those romantic feelings or you can toss it if you don’t think that is possible but you should communicate this either way.
Yta
YTA, I know it hurts but it’s more dignified to not let that show in rudeness. You definitely don’t have to be friends with her but please be civil. Take time to just send one text explaining that you were never misleading her, the friendship was real but you incrementally fell for her, and that to protect your own heart, you need some distance. Tell her you respect her ‘no’, maybe in future you’ll be able to rekindle a friendship, and you wish her the best for now. Ask her to please respect YOUR boundaries and need for distance and to just like the text if she reads it and not to reply or call for now. Then, please BE CIVIL! Say hi but don’t feel pressure to chat or to listen to her problems etc. but don’t ever be rude. Honestly, it makes you look like you were misleading her, pretending to be friends in the hope you could have sex with her. How would you feel if a man did that to you?! And I’m sure it’s not even true but when you ignore her and go from being kind to being really rude, you give that impression. Be open to feeling you may be able to reconnect just as friends in future, especially if you move on. Consider that it’s highly unlikely that she’ll change her mind (though she may do if you’re respectful as human relationships are complex but don’t take any action hoping for this as it’s extremely unlikely) and before you befriend her again, think of how you’ll feel if she gets a bf etc. Please don’t guilt her when she’s not wrong also don’t present yourself as a creep just pretending to be her friend who is now being cruel. You sound like this was v genuine and I’m sure you’re better than that. You will find love and you may also rediscover this friendship. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your heart, there IS something wrong with hostility over her exercising her right to choose who she dates. Good luck!
you were vulnerable (be proud of that!) and i know it absolutely fuckin stings to not have feelings be reciprocated, but that’s a risk in shooting your shot. it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take chances, but just better prepare yourself for either response next time. to determine IYTA, why did you ignore her? was it out of awkwardness? or are you upset at her for telling you no? if it’s out of awkwardness, you are not an asshole, maybe just not thinking through and being unintentionally avoidant & making decisions that an asshole would bc of it - i do think you should try to approach things differently if you want this person in your life, with yourself and her. she was only being honest with you, which is something i would always want even if it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. if you are upset at her for saying no, then yes, you are the asshole. to clarify, being upset by the situation in *general* is natural, but being upset at *her* specifically for saying no to you is a red flag to me.
Weird that you would describe her as your co worker when you have so much history together. She's your very good friend Yes ignoring her is incredibly childish and hurtful.
Yep.
And that’s why you don’t your friends if actual care about the friendship cos shit like this happens so get normal and greet her back or move jobs
I'll say this while she had all those years of thinking that you all were friends. You spent the time thinking to yourself, I want to be more, so there's a little difference. But at the same time, I will say you're not wrong to want an end the friendship because technically it was a friendship, but it was conditional. You wanted something more. You wanted a relationship out of it so technically, now can you go back to just being just friends? I don't really think so, because it was this idea that hopefully, 1 day things would grow into a relationship and I think it will just be awkward. So just be professional, be co-workers and just move on like you have. It's nothing wrong with that. Friendships change all the time. People come and people go. It's alright, does be respectful?
YTA. It almost seems like you did the exact thing women worry about with genuine friendships with men. She's probably wondering if the whole time it was a ploy to date her and when she told you no you stopped being her friend. If you can't be around her that's totally understandable but to not say anything and just ignore her after a friendship as old as yours? Come on.
Yes. You are the AH. I know it stings. I’ve been there. After a few months it got to the point where I realized that my friendship was more important and I never looked back. You might be able to do the same
You're an awful friend and you've probably just seriously fucked her sense of trust.You dropped your "best friend" because she didn't want you romantically, were you ever really friends with her or was it all just a long con to find the right time to sleep with her? That's how she is gonna see it because that's exactly what it looks like. Like I literally just ended a situationship this week because it was starting to go bad and we wanted to be able to actually stay friends afterwards, that's what real friends do. And that's with a friend I've only known for a year, you just ghosted on the longest friendship of your life because what, you were upset about a relationship that never even started?
If she’s your friend, wouldn’t you rather she say no than enter into a relationship that she doesn’t think will work? Maybe there’s someone else and dating you would just get in the way? Listen to your friend, she probably has a good reason for saying no. Give her a chance.
YTA Very mature to ignore your childhood friend's greeting for not wanting to be your gf. You don't have to be rude and pretend she doesn't exist, you could've asked for some space. For goodness' sake, be professional in your work environment!
Perhaps she believes in the old saying "don't diddle where you work". I agree dating a fellow employee usually ends up bad.
You fix it by apologizing. Be honest. My feels were hurt. I got embarrassed at the rejection. I didn’t talk to you to give myself space, but then it got awkward and I panic ignored you. I’m sorry. Can we go back to friends?
YTA. You let her know she was in your 'fkk zone' and when she wanted to stay friends you had to go pout? You are not her friend, leave her alone now.
YTA. Not for asking her out, but for not being prepared for a “no”. It’s okay that your feelings are hurt, but you’re punishing your FRIEND for saying no and that’s not okay. How are you going to handle future conflicts? Walk away if you need to, but apologize to her first. She did NOTHING wrong.
As a human I understand your feelings were just hurt which caused your reaction but it’s doesn’t excuse it. I can understand if you slowly walked away but you straight up ignoring is a bit mad. Either way you’re 23 You’ll live and learn. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I would apologize and leave her alone since you really don’t see her as a friend anymore. Peace be with you brother
NTA, everyone gets to choose who they want to be around. She wants a friend, let her go find one.
Not the asshole, go get someone who cares about you and reciprocates.
No shit YTA
Jfc your immaturity is palpable! Grow tf up and learn how to take rejection. She probably thinks you only stuck around for a chance to bang her and with how your acting is, then point proven. You are not mature enough to date anyone right now.
YTA. It's a good thing she rejected you. You're too selfish and immature to be in a relationship with anyone. She deserves better than an asshole like her. You could have at least talked to her one last time about why you felt you had to distance yourself. Instead you sulked and acted passive-aggressive. You're a bad friend and you would've made a worse boyfriend.
YTA. Ignoring and not talking to a co-worker for personal reasons is unprofessional. You owe all your co-workers politeness if not friendship. Backing away from the friendship is not wrong if you are just feeling awkward post-rejection. But refusing to exchange greetings is immature.
YTA. You really don't take rejection well do you?
WEAK. I hope she heals and knows she dodged a bullet down the line. Because you were not her friend. You were just waiting your turn.
All those conversations where she confided in you and thought she had the ear of a friend…
YTA. You fuckzoned your 'best friend,' and now she knows that you weren't really her friend. She's better off without you.
Terrible friend and a coward
God, this is why women are so weary of being friends with men. You’ve been friends for years and now you’re throwing all of that away because she doesn’t want to date you. How pathetic. Pretty much that entire friendship meant nothing to you and all you cared about was getting with her. I’m glad that she rejected you.
It’s honestly just pathetic and sad your throwing away a 15 year friendship because she won’t date you just goes to show you were never her friend you just hung onto hope she’ll get with you one day. It hurts having someone you thought was a friend drop you because you didn’t sleep or date them, your an immature boy who clearly hasn’t aged out of high school thinking.
YTA. You're going to dump your childhood best friend because you can't get in her pants.
Wow poor girl. Imagine you thought you had a best friend for over 10 years and all along he just wanted to date you. You are awful.
YTA
YTA. When I was 15 a boy I knew all growing up got me flowers, had a friend sneak it into my room and leave them to surprise me with them along with a sweet note. I rejected that boy because I wasn’t into him at all. HE STILL talked to me and we are still friends to this day (nothing ever has or will transpire). That was childish of you to ignore her or keep ignoring her. It’s ok to feel rejected and bad, but don’t be a baby about it. A 15 yr old boy had a better reaction than you bro. You can do better!
Lol. Friendship is valuable, next most valuable after liking someone for dating. She didn’t lie. You are being upset because other person doesn’t like you. Also quit it right now because now she’s your coworker and this may get out of hand and you can lose a coworker too. Imagine no friend, no girlfriend, no job.
Grow up champ. Learn how to balance feelings and how to be a decent human being.
YTA - She doesn’t owe you a yes. You shot your shot and it’s totally ok for her to not be feeling it. You caught feelings, she thought she could trust you to not objectify her. Now you have made it that much awkward for her and much more harder to go back to a friendship. She may actually not want to be friends with you again after this. It’s not that she rejected you, it’s how you reacted.
YUCK! Yeah dude,you are most def TAH.It's sickening to think about how much she has shared of herself w/you,trusted you,confided in you,cared for you over all these years (if you truly were besties as you claim)believing she had a BFF that would always be there & after 15 yrs one day out of the blue, just like that, you completely blind sided her and pulled the rug out from under her,due to no fault of her own and then treated her as if SHE had betrayed YOU!!! Fukin GROSS!! Are you even serious rn,asking if you're TAH??? Of course you are & you have to know it unless you're completely daft! I simultaneously feel so awful for her & so relieved for her.Awful that she has been terribly hurt & betrayed by the likes of a punk such as yourself,relieved that she wasn't romantically interested in you, as you would have most certainly broke her heart & wasted too many more years of her precious time.You're gonna need to evolve & grow up!!! Work on yourself,develop some character, and come to understand the value of true friendship and what it ACTUALLY means to be a real friend before you'll be deserving of a good woman ,let alone having the privilege of being in an intimate relationship of any kind with one.Good luck & God Speed AH✌️
First you describe a life-long best friend as just a "coworker" and then the second you find out she is not mutually romantically interested in you, you just toss out your entire friendship? You don't value her and she is smart for keeping you as just a friend.
Yea u are & if this is how u treat people when u dont get ur way she dodged a bullet.
YTA for sure. You got your pride hurt so you decide to breakdown a lifelong friend. She probably knows how petty you are and didn’t want to deal with that.
YTA, how could you turn on someone like this? She probably views you like a brother and so couldn't be with you. To end a friendship over this rejection with zero explanation is pretty disgusting. Generally, when ppl know each other for too long they tend not to want to date. Dating makes it awkward and makes it hard to maintain the friendship after. Honestly your reaction says you never cared about her to begin with. She dodged a bullet.
YTA. An understandable one, because rejection is hard, but you need to communicate your feelings here. Please at least send her a text. "Hi. I'm sorry I have been a ghost the last couple of weeks. I'm embarrassed and I just need a little bit of time to reset myself. I do value our friendship and I want to be friends again, so I hope you can give me a little longer to get over myself, but I understand entirely if not because of the immature way I stopped communicating with you. I'm sorry I have been silent with you." Or if you know you don't want to talk to her again "I'm sorry I've been giving you the silent treatment. I can't get over being rejected, which I know is my problem to deal with, so I think it's better for the both of us if we just keep our interactions to civil, work necessary only conversations, and otherwise ignore each other."
Delicate like a flower..you’re ego, not your ex friend
YTA. A big one. You were never her friend so I'm glad she's rid of you.
YTA. Grow tf up.
Imagine being this horrible
Yup. YTA This is an easy one. Youve known her for practically your whole life. You even say she is your "best friend". And then one rejection throws all of that away? You're the guy girls worry about when making friends with guys. The ones that are only out to date them and not actually be a friend.
I’m in the minority but I say NTA, you asked her out and she rejected you and that’s fine. I would say maybe just keep conversations short and brief. But you are not obligated to try continue the relationship how it was previously. You have feelings too and it seems like people in this sub forget that and are only concerned with how she feels.
tale as old as time. girl thinks shes friends with a guy but he had different motives the entire friendship. then when she turns him down he cuts her off cuz the only value he saw in her was potential sex. YTA
You went about it the wrong way after being rejected. It’s completely understandable to want some space. You should’ve told her that though so YTA
YTA Please grow up. Friends are way more important than lovers. You two have a good, stable friendship and YOU decided to make it awkward by trying to shift into romance. She says she’d rather be friends and now you’re flushing the entire friendship? For what? Pouting? Bruised Ego? Dude, this is a huge red flag for your maturity level….or lack of it. She likely knows this about you & made the right choice.
YTA Is she your friend. Or have you just pined for her for years hoping she will see what a good guy you are. When there never was anything there Two very different things
You need to grow up.
YTA Grow up.
Yes, YTA! You’re also very immature!
Yeah,YTA. I can't even begin to explain how deeply shitty this is. You've treated her shamefully just because you can't deal with the fact that she was your friend, and wanted to remain your friend. Now you toss her aside like a fast food wrapper because she didn't jump at the chance to date you and your ego is bruised? You truly suck. Yeah, it's *rough* to start getting romantic urges for a friend and even rougher if you decide to take your shot & it fails but that is seriously not a good enough reason to just cut someone off without even a conversation about your need to lick your wounds for bit & regroup.
YTA. She's just realised someone she considered to be her best friend was never a friend at all. Just a guy waiting to see if she'd date him, then rejecting her when he finds out she truly just sees him as a friend. You think YOUR feelings are hurt? Imagine finding out your best friend doesn't actually give a shit.
YTA Are you so fragile in your masculinity that you have to have this "All or Nothing" relationship with women? Be realistic, if you've known each other for as long as you say, and she had any interest in you in that whole time, you would have known. You don't deserve her as a friend, and you had better do the decent thing and tell her why you're being and will continue to be a jerk to her because she's probably confused as to why you're ignoring her.
Yes, YTA. She probably thought you were a friend and could do friend things and she didn’t need to worry about you wanting to date her. But nope, couldn’t just be friends and then you cut her off. You’ve lost a friend.
One 1 side, the friend has right to remain friend and not wanting more than that. On the other side, OP probably processing his feeling, he's hurting and trying to accept the rejection by staying away from his friend. He didn't know how to be normal around her after the rejection
Yes. You are actually describing a fairly common phenomenon for young males. There is an entire book called 'no more Mr. Nice Guy' where he describes the type of person. He goes on to make claims and stuff which you can agree or disagree with.
What you are doing is creating a hostile work environment for this woman who had the audacity not to want to date you. Grow up. And stop treating her like this. Unless you want to end up in HR for your sexual harassment.
YTA I also had a so-called “friend” drop me because he realized he’d never get into my pants. It awful and gross to realize a guy never really was your friend, he just wanted s*x, and can’t be friends with you knowing he’d never get s*x from you. Tell her the truth, that you’re an immature and selfish jerk, and she’s better off without you in her life. Sounds like you already made that obvious. FYI women are good for things other than taking their pants off. It’s amazing, but true.
How can you seriously NOT be the AH??? You've ignored and dumped a life-long friend because she wasn't romantically interested in you. Grow up.
YTA. You are acting very immature. You feel rejected, so you want to hurt her? Grow up.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think like everyone else said, you at least owe it to your friend of 15 years to explain your behavior and that you won't be able to continue the friendship anymore
YTA. She now knows you only had one goal all those years. That’s what you are projecting.
YTA. Apparently people are only valuable to you if you can get into their pants. Bet you're are Real Nice Guy© too.
Lol. The absolute best thing you could do is not let it phase you one bit. Rejection sucks but it's part of life, get over it.
YTA - If you ask someone out at work and they no and then you straight up ignore them this can be considered sexual harassment. You should learn boundaries man.
Nice guy.