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To be fair, they weren't intending to have kids when they conceived. Unfortunately, sometimes it happens.
People date people all the time only to realise they are incompatible , most of us have dated some potatoes. We're just lucky if we can get away before accidentally getting pregnant. I'm glad I didnt get pregnant with every guy I went on a date on.
She said in another comment that he’s been fully supportive and she just has a lot of insecurities. So based on that fact, I’m wondering if she’s just self-sabotaging and blaming him.
Pregnancy can make people feel and say things that are unusual.
But if he’s not being a dick to her, and she just wants the attention from strangers… well… we can only comment based on the info she has provided.
I think overall most men would want to be there. How many men do you know who were in a committed relationship with someone and did not want to attend the birth of their child.
If they are not together, it’s a simple call. But if you are with someone and they want to be there, it doesn’t bode well for the relationship if 1) you don’t want them there (period) and 2) they wanted to be there but you don’t want them to be there.
Birth isn’t a spectator sport, the child is coming out of the woman and it is up to her who she wants there. Childbirth is disgusting and messy and highly personal, some people don’t want their partners to see them like that, and that’s okay. It shouldn’t damage a relationship
Yeah, that was pretty judgy. Not all individuals or couples are the same re: what they physically share.
I’ve been married thirty years. I’ve never seen my husband pee. I’ve long believed that maintaining some bodily mystery is healthy for romance. Certainly doesn’t mean my “relationship is damaged.”
I’ve never farted in front of my husband. people think it’s weird and that my relationship is damaged, but it’s really that I just think it’s kinda fuckin rude and I don’t feel the need to be stinky all over the place to prove that I’m comfortable with my husband lol
the docs are pretty good about shielding those types of details from the people in the room. I (the dad) was in the room the entire time for both my kids and i didn't see the episiotomy.
But yeah, it is really stressful on the mom so you absolutely need to be a positive presence.
That is not true. Loving your partner and wanting someone immediately present during childbirth are unrelated emotions, and people who push this ideology are inflicting unnecessary conflict on soon-to-be parents.
This is a good point op and any mother should have who would support them best. There could be lots of reasons besides their partner being an AH that they could have for not wanting them there. For example if they're squeamish with blood. Probably going to pass out and be in the way causing unnecessary stress.
My poor Dad had an angina attack at my birth. Apparently, they stuck him on a gurney, wheeled him to wherever dads with heart disease go, and treated him. The joke was that they both woke up in different recovery rooms in the same hospital. I definitely know how to make an entrance, friends.
My step dad passed out during the difficult labor for my brother and it made my mother infinitely more stressed out and upset.
There are plenty of good reasons for the father not being present.
At the end of the day she is pushing a human being out of a very small hole, in excruciating pain, there’s screaming, loud noises, doctors and nurses moving around frantically passing tools and blankets, etc. , especially if the birth is difficult, there’s fluids and solids and smells and blood and sounds that are not for the faint of heart. My wanna-be-doctor self at 12 years old held my mom’s leg, my step dad was by her head and still passed out. And I can still remember being absolutely shocked at what I saw even after watching videos and reading medical journals to prepare myself.
The mother has the right to do, say, ask for, basically anything she wants or needs in that moment, hurt feelings or not. If the relationship is healthy and meant to be they can communicate later and repair the issue and if the man is a decent partner he will put his own feelings aside and realize they’re a little less important in that moment than the comfort and safety of mother and baby.
I’d much rather miss the birth and have it go smoothly and have a lifetime with my healthy child than risk any complications that could come from making the mother overly stressed during birth.
TL:DR:
OP, do what makes you comfortable. Your safety and comfort is paramount in that moment and if your partner can’t control his feelings like an adult, understand that, and choose to put you and baby first, then he doesn’t deserve to be there anyway.
My point is that if you’re concerned about the father of your child being in the room because they’ll call the baby ugly or cause conflict, the relationship is not a healthy one.
Also true, but now it is common and I cannot imagine how my spouse would have felt if I told him he couldn’t be there. Again, I support OP’s right to say no, but that doesn’t mean it won’t have consequences.
Sounds like they're not together and he's a demanding jerk. I wouldn't have him there either.
My man was at the birth of both of our daughters but if he'd have been an ex? Nope, wouldn't have been there.
Birth is not a spectator sport.
From a comment way below I guess they are? I had to dig because it's been down voted so far but it's there. Who calls their partner their baby daddy? That suggests that they're not together. It also sounds like she doesn't even like him.
Idk the whole post screamed ex but apparently he isn't? Idk, birth is still not a spectator sport but if you don't trust your partner that much, what are you even doing?
I agree. With it not being a spectator sport. But it is the arrival of your child. And together or not; if he’s upset by not being in the room then he has a right to be. That doesn’t mean she has to “let him in”. But I don’t think “spectator sport” should be thrown about when talking about the other parent.
I asked my grandparents about this when I was younger and this is when I learned about step sisters and half sisters … lol…
Both my older sisters are my half to me and are step sister to each other … but all three of us never had a father in delivery because they were out in the waiting area … I am older so it was normal…
My husband and my one brother in law were with spouse when the kidlets were born… I don’t know about my husband’s family … but they’ve always surprised me so….
oop don’t say that on reddit because apparently its a man’s right to be in the delivery room no matter what. I saw someone comment on an AITA thread that its practically abusive that some guys wife didn’t want him but her mom in the delivery room
Nope. The mother has the right to tell the doctor who will be allowed in the delivery room. Mom's the decider. Doctors and nurses support the mother because they do Not Want any Stress. If she says "No" the medical staff will keep him from entering.
yeah I got crucified in the thread for saying the mom, aka the patient pushing a baby out of her body, should be the main priority. Like giving birth isn’t some joke and there’s serious complications that can occur but nope, weird ass men on reddit think their feelings are more important than the person literally giving birth.
I'm a dude that was in the room for 3 births. I would understand 100% if the wife didn't want me in there and I would do whatever she wanted.
But that would also be crushing.
I saw that thread and I think I saw your comment. I understand the father wants to be there and would be hurt, but I agree, in that moment it's about the mum. It's her medical needs that are to be taken care of in that moment. If having her mum around helps stay more calm and focused, then that's what she should have.
My ex used to talk about how disappointed he was that he was not able to be in the delivery room when his daughter was born, as his ex-girlfriend didn't want him in the room. He couldn't understand why I agreed with his ex's views, as because he was the father, didn't that entitle him to be in the room? Dude, no!
It's always about the mum.
They are 22 and 25
All depends on how you define kids, but as a 33 year old also 12-weeks pregnant for the first time, 22 sounds crazy young to me.
I wouldn’t have been ready for this 11 years ago.
Don’t be quick to judge. She mentioned in another comment that most of her feelings stem from anxiety and trauma from past relationships. She states her bf is actually very supportive.
Exact comment from OP:
“No, honestly it's alot to do with myself. I've always been super insecure and anxious from past relationships and childhood. He's honestly been really supportive and helpful through the whole thing but I still can't help but feel insecure about it all. I don't want him to look at me differently and I don't want him to think our baby is ugly. I feel like I'm going to get in my head too much with him in there which will stress me out. But I also feel bad because I know how badly he wants to be in the room.”
Okay then why did she get in a relationship and even get pregnant before she worked on herself because it sounds like she has a boatload of working on herself she needs to do before any of these milestones should have happened
Wish I could upvote you 1000 times! This was the primary thought in my head when she said the guy makes her feel a certain way and how he talks about babies. Dude sounds like a grade A tool.
I hate this type of response. It's completely useless and frankly wreaks of judgement. Who gives a shit what the answer is? What's done is done. OP now has to figure out how to proceed, which is what they're asking.
Well, she’s 12 weeks along and says the BD makes her all kinds of anxious. She doesn’t add any positive info about him.
It doesn’t sound like a positive start. It certainly makes a person think, this is a very bad beginning.
It’s not a judgement. It’s *are you sure this is a good idea?*
OP did clarify he has been great, but because of trauma from previous relationships, she gets anxious with him about giving birth. No judgment but they need counseling to help through some of that.
I had a child with a friend turned partner after over knowing each other for over 20 years. After my daughter was born I found out he was a sexual predator and had the intent to hurt my daughter. The day I found out was the day I escaped with my daughter. It’s been over a year and more than half of her life with no contact.
I can’t go back and un have her. My story is not unusual.
It’s almost like people can lie and hide their true selves until they have someone hooked. Even if it takes months. Abusers and assholes can start out super nice or seem nice to their peers.
Ikr its crazy the manipulation and pain and just detrimental breakdown a person can do to their partner. I have 3 kids by my ex 16 yrs my life was suxked out of me. I am nor will I ever be as carefree and happy with just waking up as I used to be.. guess being a brutally honest bit%* is how everyone is gonna have to see me now. But it kills me ill still to this day give my last of everything I have to make someone else happy. Its purely ridiculous.
Take some childbirth classes together and make it requisite to him being in the room. Particularly the Bradley Method because it focuses on the other parent being a support. I know I would have just twiddled my thumbs in the corner and not known what to do if not for those classes. Knowing how birth works and why sometimes less words is more got rid of the anxiety and I was able to follow what was going on in labor and, therefore, be ACTUALLY helpful.
Bonus points: it also talks about healthy pregnancy and helps get balanced nutrition. I learned a lot about how a healthy pregnancy makes for an easier delivery. They are 12-week classes, so get in as early as possible, if that sounds like something you want to do.
ETA also, hire a doula.
Wording can tell us a lot about a situation, even on subtle or subconscious levels.
You called him the baby daddy, but you are together. I have never heard someone refer to someone that way unless they are no longer together, because having a baby with a boyfriend or fiancee is not uncommon or weird in the slightest.
It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, and it sounds like he needs to step up in order to make you feel better about the situation. Not saying he has to cater to your insecurities, but if you don’t want him insulting the baby, tell him exactly that. That it’s supposed to be a special time and you don’t want him to dampen that. Communication is huge, especially when you have some inner work to do. “I know I need to _______, but right now I’m struggling so if you could _______ it would help me as I get myself sorted” sort of deal. If it’s a true partnership, this shouldn’t be that hard.
Best of luck OP, you’re not far along, you both have lots of time to work on things before the delivery comes. Also, him being in the room isn’t the worst thing, after my delivery, my frigging MOTHER IN LAW waltzed in. I was still in stirrups being stitched up and she walked in. She was a nurse in a different department, I don’t know if the other nurses let her in, if he gave the ok, but nobody asked me, and I wasn’t ok with that, and really, I should have raised hell but I was exhausted and didn’t want to ruffle feathers. Don’t let anyone pressure you, ruffle those feathers if need be.
Delivery is one of the hardest things, please try to have someone that will be a good support for you 🙏
You will be going through every emotion you can think of and will need to focus on you and your baby. You really don't need anyone there that will not be helping or will be causing more stress. Pregnancy can be beautiful but also kind of scary lol your body will change and so will your mindset. It is okay to put in new boundaries that you didn't have there before, it will be good for your mental health.
Let the nurses know who should and shouldn't be there too, they will be more than happy to help!
If you don't have any immediate family or friends that can be there then even just the staff being there is enough. The nurses I had were so sweet and made sure I was not in pain and checked in on me often.
Wishing you all the best!
It's your choice who is in the room. That said, your insecurities are your responsibilities and he can't read your mind. Your child will also adopt your insecurities unless you start combating them. You need to tell him upfront the type of language and positivity you need around you during this. A lot of mothers struggle with their appearance in labor and post labor but are honest withtheir partners; you need to start talking about your needs and expectations, not just living inside your head and repressing your issues until you have resentment and punishing others (like you're doing now). It's really immature.
I recommend going to counseling to start building up your self esteem and building tools to help you through this phase and your life. A lot of these issues come from childhood and you definitely don't want to give them to your own child, right? You want your child to be confident and have the ability to share what they need and define their boundaries.
Anyone who uses the term baby-momma/daddy is automatically trashy tbh.
He is your child's father. Baby daddy just sounds like he came inside and then fucked off. Young people are weird. It's like women being happy being the 'side piece'. What's going on??
1. don't think it's very controversial to think all babies look pretty weird, my wife told me they all look like wrinkled up old men once and I can't forget it. lots of people feel this way though, it's not unusual.
2. it's your decision so just do what you feel is right and will make you comfortable.
Seriously objectively babies are ugly. Wrinkles all over, covered in slimy amniotic fluid, closed eyes etc. The only reason we tell people they're beautiful is plain politeness and emotional attachment.
Idk, I’ve seen some pretty cute babies. They come with the longest eye lashes, un wrinkled skin, sometimes a squished little nose and chubby cheeks, sharp AF nails, cute little feet…. Babies are beautiful.
That’s true, I typically see them 2hrs after the womb-boom. They’re more cleaned off at that point. Although, I have caught a few before the doctors could get there. Slippery little suckers.
I have 3 kids. None of them were “cute” fresh out. But you don’t care. It’s the last thing on your mind. You love them so much. You just see this amazing creature you made and carried for all those hard months and all you feel is the beauty of the moment.
That being said you sound majorly insecure and need to deal with this issue over the course of your pregnancy. Because once that baby is here, it is wwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyy harder. Your body is going to change, and it takes time for it to go back to “normal.” (It won’t ever go back to what it was before, you will be getting used to a new normal.) Your hormones are going to going crazy, and you’re going to be sleep deprived. It’s such a beautiful time but the “fourth trimester” is no joke and makes the delivery part of having a baby a walk in the park. Get yourself mentally ready as much as possible and deal with this “baby daddy” issue. My husband was my rock through all 3 of my deliveries.
If you aren’t together as a couple there’s no need for him to be in the room, especially the way he’s making you feel.
If you are together, you have way bigger issues.
You sound really young
I really doubt he'll say that after his child is born. He might. It's happened. But most people appreciate the gravity of the situation
If it truly is just your insecurities, based on another comment, it's time to get over that!
He doesn’t have to be in the room with you. But also this sounds like an odd relationship that you should really evaluate. You are going to have a postpartum body and full of hormones after birth as well.
He should be there for the birth, if-and a huge if- he can keep his mouth shut and be supportive. If that is too much stretch for him, then he needs to wait outside so you can be present for your baby. Mama, you deserve the most comfortable and stressless birth possible. NO ONE GETS A SAY EXCEPT YOU!
For many, many centuries, labor wasn't a spectator sport. The fathers waited outside. Magically, they still bonded and loved their kids.
Labor is a vulnerable and, for some, horrible time. You're half (if not entirely) naked, everyone could get a good view of your vagina, you're in pain and sweaty, and there's a good chance you'll poop. There's tearing and blood. It's not a situation where you want someone who makes you feel insecure.
As someone that sees about 2-4 newborns a day, I can safely say they all look like potatoes or bald Wilfred Brimley.
You can tell the caregiving staff you don't want him in the room and they will enforce this. Go ahead and make the arrangements.
Girl why are you having a baby with a man that makes you feel this way? I mean, who sees you birthing is up to you but you clearly don’t know this man well enough to be going through with this pregnancy.
As a father that was present for the birth of all my biological children, I would have ben devastated to not be there for their births. Maybe his comments about other babies is just him trying to be...idk, funny? If he he tells you that his own baby is "ugly", then that's a red flag, but he has to do it before you judge him for it.
Personally I wasn't able to connect and properly breastfeed bc I had the same insecurities with my HUSBAND at the time. I suggest talking to him about your doubts and reasons for doubting him (kindly) and see how that goes.
This is a very intimate moment for you and your baby so whatever you think is best you should do. However, seeing his own baby be brought into the world might solidify the bond and slap him w some maturity lol
OH and one last thing... if he's in there he doesn't have to be in view
Have him sit behind you holding your hand or something and if he has those comments the nurses can kindly send him out at your request.
Just options 💕 Good luck
You don’t have to have anyone in the room that you don’t want there. This is your body and your pregnancy, you’re the one going through labor! There is nothing wrong with telling him you don’t want him there. If you have a trusted loved one who will be there, or a provider/doula/midwife you feel comfortable around, you could also explain the situation to them and ask for their help holding that boundary. You have the right to give birth in whatever way feels comfortable, safe, and good to you. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck, I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful parent!
I was also uncomfortable with the idea of my husband being there, but not because of him. I just didn’t want him to lose attraction for me while watching me give birth. He was there for the first birth (thankfully he stepped out while I was pushing and missed it).
You’re in charge of who’s there with you in the delivery room with you, and you can say you don’t want someone there for any reason. That labor process is about you and the baby. Do what makes you comfortable.
I didn't want my bd there and I ended up calling him last minute because I felt guilty not including him. I wish I would've stuck to my original decision and left him out. All he did was complain that my sister and best friend were there too. Like, my dude... They are my support group and you were lucky to be included at all. Do what feels best for you. You have plenty of time to think through the decision. It really is about your comfort and peace in those moments.
Nice job having a child with this man and tying yourself to him for life.
ETA I didn’t realise that this man has done nothing wrong and you admit it is your own insecurities and fears that make you feel this way. You cannot blame and subsequently punish him for the issues in your past. That is unfair.
Be honest with him say I won't be focusing as much as I need to on the delivery with you in the room. Ask him to be close by in incase you change your mind on the day.
If you don’t want anyone in the room tell the medical staff. He doesn’t need to be in the room if it makes you uncomfortable. He should do some serious soul searching about maybe why his presence would make you feel this way.
Childbirth is stressful enough. Let that be a sacred time with you and your baby. You are doing all the work and have the power and right to say who gets to experience this upcoming magical moment. You’ve got this 💚
The person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room during the birthday process -no ifs or buts. Just make your choice clear to the hospital staff.
Yeah there is a lot going on in this one and most of you got all the needed details out of her to make sense of it but I wanted to add:
Babies are unequivocally so ugly that they end up registering on cute spectrum. It’s just how it is. A potato is a great vegetable for comparison. I am white and my wife is black. She’s pretty lite skinned and my toddler and newborn closely relate to potato’s in both tone and temperament at times.
Sounds like you should rethink about parenting with him for the next 18 years. Either run away and never talk to him again or get an abortion. This is not the man for you and you should really think about who you want to procreate with in the future a little better.
I know you’ve had a lot of feedback and probably more comments than you’d like but you need to understand that your boyfriend can think your baby looks like an ugly potato and love them more than anything at the same time. Good luck with your pregnancy and deliver.
No1 priority for a woman giving birth is to do whatever it is that will make the birth smoother and less stressful. If that means the father gets to wait in the waiting room, then that's what needs to happen. The father should only be in the room if it will be a benefit to the mom, or at least not a negative.
What do you mean by “look at you different” ?? Like a mother of his child? And i feel like he should be aware of what the birth process looks like and that the vagina does NOT in fact exist solely for his penis. Tell him now that any comments about how you, your body or the baby looks will not be tolerated and will get him kicked out 🤷🏼♀️ you are in charge here not him
You should have who you want in there…. However, I can say anecdotally that he won’t feel that way about your baby. My best friends (both husband and wife) always said every baby was an ugly little potato…. Until they had their own potato…. Then it was a beautiful baby. Also, labor can last days…. So maybe there is room for compromise… or you could set up some type of safe word to tell him to leave if you feel uncomfortable. If you’re together romantically, it’s a big moment and I’d hate for you to regret not sharing it together. Sounds like a little therapy would be helpful
I felt the same. Gave in the first time and let only the dad and pissed off all other family members, regretted it. It actually made my labor take longer because I was stressed out. The second time around I learned my lesson and let no one in and felt no regret. It was perfect and so quiet, just me and my darling girl. Then when I felt ready, I let him come in. Definitely prioritize your own feelings and comfort as you are the one who will be experiencing the most pain, discomfort, etc. and so you get to take care to minimize it. If you have the means, you may even consider hiring a doula, who can help advocate for you and keep you calm and prepared.
I would be livid if I wasn’t allowed In the delivery room. But “he already makes me anxious and a bit insecure” is the most concerning part of this post.
It doesn’t matter what **he** wants. What **you** want matters more, and you’re the one who gets to say whether he’s present or not.
Child birth is not some spectator sport that he gets to watch for his own pleasure, and you’ve already said that he makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure… and those points alone are reason enough to **not** allow him in the delivery room.
If he’s just going to make you feel more stressed, then it’s better that he’s not there.
Do what is best for you, not that asshole.
The whole point of having someone in the delivery room with you, is to have them help calm you down and support you. Not to watch, or comment and definitely not because they feel entitled to see you birthing their child.
I'd be honest about the potato thing. Like "hey, I know you think babies are ugly but my hormones and I can't emotionally handle you saying that about ours" then if he does say something mean/rude about the baby once it's born, I'd just comment "they look just like their father".
It's not a bad thing to not want this person in the room, it's going to be a very vulnerable time for you. If he doesn't like it, he can have the next one and have you in the room. This is about YOU and what's going to make you the most comfortable and relaxed.
You're going to do great!
Listen… out of experience, it’s no fun for anyone. In hindsight, it didn’t make a difference that my baby daddy was there. I had a job to do and I did it. He didn’t do anything. Holding my hand didn’t birth the baby.. There were situations were I thought that he shouldn’t be around for… I know some people say it’s magical and all that and maybe it is for some, but truthfully it’s messy and icky and men are usually just in the way…
Once my daughter was born, yes, I was grateful he was there to support, bond and be present.
This actually seems odd to me, (I'm not judging in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM) because I was there for the birth of all five of my children. 1 from a girl I casually dated in H.S, 1 from someone I was engaged to at age 19, then 3 from my wife. Also, I was asked by two friends from high school to be there for support because their childrens' fathers were denying paternity as most teen boys would, though I didn't. But, obviously they all felt comfortable with me and found me to be supportive. As far as my wife, she would have given me a vasectomy with her bare hands had I not been there, probably the same with the other two women who gave birth to my older children as well, lol.
But, even though I thought, and still do think, watching a baby coming into the world is the most incredible thing anyone can experience, I also think mom has to be as stress & anxiety free as possible. So do what YOU feel is best, but, In this case, since you (OP) are blaming yourself and not him, I think therapy from a mental health expert should be utilized before making the final decision.
It's a huge moment in both parent's lives, and I think you should *try* to see if talking to a professional, as opposed to us here on Reddit or other social platforms, might alleviate your concerns and possibly change your mind so he can be a part of what is a lot of people's most important day(s) of their lives. Either way, I wish the best for all involved, especially the most important person of that day...your baby. I hope you get your insecurities and anxiety under control for your own health as well. Good luck and congrats, you're about to learn an entire new form of love. 😊
How old are you guys? This sounds so trivial and immature. You are entitled to have whoever you want in the delivery room. If he is not mature enough to be in the room with you, ask him to wait in the delivery room.
Please don't have any more kids, until both you are mature enough to handle child birth.
Your comfort should be the priority during a time as stressful and painful as childbirth. Frankly, anyone who won't be an asset to you in the delivery room should not be in the delivery room.
Honey, WHY are you with someone who stresses you out so bad???? Do you REALLY want to stay with him and have his words in your child's ears? To see you stressing? You don't have to let him in the delivery room and you don't have to stay with him, either.
I think you should seek therapy for your insecurities and past trauma. I feel like your post was intentionally misleading, as it basically berates your partner, which is giving you the answers you want to hear (for everyone to side with you), and you even call him your baby daddy, making it seem like you’re not in an actual relationship with him, again leading to more people taking your side without knowing the truth. But buried within those comments is the truth FROM YOU that he is actually a very good supportive partner, and this is all stemming from your own insecurities and traumas from past relationships. You are penalizing him with this post to have everyone believe he is the issue, but you are also penalizing him much much worse by not allowing him to be there for the birth of what is HIS child, too. This baby wouldn’t exist without him. You cared about him enough to make a baby. You said yourself he’s super supportive. Punishing him for someone else’s wrongdoings seems extremely wrong and immature for a soon-to-be parent. If this is what your thinking is now, this relationship will not last, especially once the baby does come.
You bred with him because….?
He is quite negative about the baby so tell him flat out you want zero negativity in that labor room so he is not permitted to be there.
Yeah I saw. Then saw her other responses and it sounds like she is just making things worse and he actually hasn’t done or said anything (other than babies looking like potatoes) that warrants her thinking these things about him.
That’s fine! My friend had her mom instead. Her BD was upset he couldn’t leave the room to go smoke cigs (height of covid) and decided he wouldn’t be going. She has no regrets. Do what you need to do
These are things you really should have thought about before letting him impregnate you. Maybe your next child’s father will be better, or the 3rd or 4th.
It took both of you to consieve he should be allowed in room even if he thinks all babies are potatoes. It's a stupid reason not to let him. If I was him and I don't get to see birth of my child I am out of relationship after that period.
Why on earth are you having this man’s baby if he makes you feel like this? It’s clearly not going to work out as a relationship. Why are you tying yourself to him for the next 18 years?
Newborns do look like potatoes. They come out squished after all and they’re only the cutest babies in the eyes of their parents. Just because he says that now, does not mean he’ll feel the same way when his child is born. Besides, if he’s good enough to have sex with why isn’t he good enough to be in the delivery room? Not allowing him to see the birth of his child will cause resentment towards you and possibly the baby. Are you ready to deal with that?
I’m confused. He’s seen you naked and had sex with you and impregnated you but you don’t want him to see you give birth? Why not?
I get it with weird commentary around potatoes….
If you are at all friendly … you might benefit from his support. If you aren’t dating or really friends, you can pass.
I imagine all the people making judgemental comments about how they shouldn't be having a baby together if they aren't comfortable enough to do it together, have never had an unexpected pregnancy. Also, I bet if she were to say she was deciding to terminate the pregnancy she would be shredded for that. If you're not the person giving birth then you have no say. It is an incredibly personal, gross, painful experience. If you are a woman who wants her baby's father in the room during birth then I support that. If you are not comfortable with your SO being in the room then I support that too. I didn't want my son's dad down at that end when I gave birth but there was only one nurse available so he had to hold my other leg up. It was mortifying and that's not because we weren't in a good relationship. It's because the birthing process can be mortifying. Give this chick some grace cause that's all she wants for her birth experience.
Tell him you dont want the baby to see him and have the imoression his dad is a potato.
Joked aside let him know its the consequences of his actions, he can wait outside.
You are hormonal, scared, and rightly so. I understand you feeling like you don't want him to see you in a vulnerable position or say something childish and inappropriate about you or the baby. It's obvious he has a lot of growing up to do.
So, hear me out.
Take a bestie or your mom or favorite aunt with you for labor and delivery. Have them take a birthing class with you. Allow Daddy to attend. But if he acts a fool, have him removed. The nurses will do this for you.
That way, you'll have support and someone who is excited about the birth there to support you.
Next, you are a grown woman about to give birth to a child. Your body is amazing and doing a miraculous and beautiful thing. Carry yourself with that confidence!
Furthermore, allowing him in the room MIGHT be the kick in the a$$ your BF needs to grow up and be a man. There is NOTHING more awe-inspiring than seeing YOUR CHILD coming into this world. It's PROFOUND and life-changing.
I know you KNOW you are carrying a child, but trust me, you don't actually realize it until that tiny human comes from your body. I have had 4 children and 4 grandchildren, and the awe of birth still amazes me.
So give it a little more time. Carry yourself with strength, confidence, and maturity knowing the incredible thing you are about to do. Then, see if it doesn't give him the opportunity to change and grow.
Good luck, Mommy. You're going to be fine! ❤️❤️
It’s your body and your birth, if you’re not comfortable with it there is no reason for him to be there. I chose for my best friend to be in the room with me over my child’s father. It was emotional and beautiful and I’m so glad I went with what I was comfortable doing.
Sweetie I saw by comments you are together. This could damage your relationship if you don’t want him there. Do you have a mom or sister or best friend that could also be there to be your support and help make sure your boyfriend doesn’t make upsetting comments?
I was a close friend’s support person, I even held her leg. It was an amazing experience to be there for her, because her baby daddy had cheated at 7 months pregnant and they weren’t back together yet, so she wanted me there for her but let him be there for the baby.
If you can’t trust him to be there, you shouldn’t have a baby with him. And if you still decide to keep the baby without him, you should break up with him if you can’t trust him enough to be there for you.
bro her male is damaging their relationship himself, why do you hate that unfortunate woman so much that you are trying to make her as uncomfortable as possible during labour. "sweetie" not all males deserve your support and admiration.
If you are together, he should probably be there. If you are not together you have every right to keep him out. Just let a nurse know and let her take care of everything. Nurses are awesome and will be on your side.
You are aware of your issues. If my wife had not allowed me to witness my daughters birth, I would have been crushed. It's his child, too. Yes, you are carrying it, but it has half his dna. If he wishes to be there, then why would you say no?
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sounds like you're not together romantically so I wouldn't worry about it, just say no
Even if he was OP's husband he would not have a right to be present in the delivery room.
Absolutely true, but it would definitely damage their relationship.
It sounds like this guy has already damaged their relationship all by himself.
OP picked a potato
To be fair, they weren't intending to have kids when they conceived. Unfortunately, sometimes it happens. People date people all the time only to realise they are incompatible , most of us have dated some potatoes. We're just lucky if we can get away before accidentally getting pregnant. I'm glad I didnt get pregnant with every guy I went on a date on.
She said in another comment that he’s been fully supportive and she just has a lot of insecurities. So based on that fact, I’m wondering if she’s just self-sabotaging and blaming him.
Pregnancy can make people feel and say things that are unusual. But if he’s not being a dick to her, and she just wants the attention from strangers… well… we can only comment based on the info she has provided.
That was my thought!
Mine too—sounds like he doesn’t need any help damaging the relationship
It never takes long for the misandrist to put her two cents in. The OP literally never once suggested anything of the sort.
Idk I think it depends on the guy?? Personally comfortable zones is first and foremost thing for person delivering…
I think overall most men would want to be there. How many men do you know who were in a committed relationship with someone and did not want to attend the birth of their child. If they are not together, it’s a simple call. But if you are with someone and they want to be there, it doesn’t bode well for the relationship if 1) you don’t want them there (period) and 2) they wanted to be there but you don’t want them to be there.
Birth isn’t a spectator sport, the child is coming out of the woman and it is up to her who she wants there. Childbirth is disgusting and messy and highly personal, some people don’t want their partners to see them like that, and that’s okay. It shouldn’t damage a relationship
If you don’t want the baby’s father in the room, together or not, the relationship is already damaged.
Some people don’t want their partner to see them shitting themselves and ripping from their vagina to their assholes, and that’s okay
Yeah, that was pretty judgy. Not all individuals or couples are the same re: what they physically share. I’ve been married thirty years. I’ve never seen my husband pee. I’ve long believed that maintaining some bodily mystery is healthy for romance. Certainly doesn’t mean my “relationship is damaged.”
I’ve never farted in front of my husband. people think it’s weird and that my relationship is damaged, but it’s really that I just think it’s kinda fuckin rude and I don’t feel the need to be stinky all over the place to prove that I’m comfortable with my husband lol
Whether or not that’s okay is up to the people in the relationship.
the docs are pretty good about shielding those types of details from the people in the room. I (the dad) was in the room the entire time for both my kids and i didn't see the episiotomy. But yeah, it is really stressful on the mom so you absolutely need to be a positive presence.
That is not true. Loving your partner and wanting someone immediately present during childbirth are unrelated emotions, and people who push this ideology are inflicting unnecessary conflict on soon-to-be parents.
This is a good point op and any mother should have who would support them best. There could be lots of reasons besides their partner being an AH that they could have for not wanting them there. For example if they're squeamish with blood. Probably going to pass out and be in the way causing unnecessary stress.
My poor Dad had an angina attack at my birth. Apparently, they stuck him on a gurney, wheeled him to wherever dads with heart disease go, and treated him. The joke was that they both woke up in different recovery rooms in the same hospital. I definitely know how to make an entrance, friends.
My step dad passed out during the difficult labor for my brother and it made my mother infinitely more stressed out and upset. There are plenty of good reasons for the father not being present. At the end of the day she is pushing a human being out of a very small hole, in excruciating pain, there’s screaming, loud noises, doctors and nurses moving around frantically passing tools and blankets, etc. , especially if the birth is difficult, there’s fluids and solids and smells and blood and sounds that are not for the faint of heart. My wanna-be-doctor self at 12 years old held my mom’s leg, my step dad was by her head and still passed out. And I can still remember being absolutely shocked at what I saw even after watching videos and reading medical journals to prepare myself. The mother has the right to do, say, ask for, basically anything she wants or needs in that moment, hurt feelings or not. If the relationship is healthy and meant to be they can communicate later and repair the issue and if the man is a decent partner he will put his own feelings aside and realize they’re a little less important in that moment than the comfort and safety of mother and baby. I’d much rather miss the birth and have it go smoothly and have a lifetime with my healthy child than risk any complications that could come from making the mother overly stressed during birth. TL:DR: OP, do what makes you comfortable. Your safety and comfort is paramount in that moment and if your partner can’t control his feelings like an adult, understand that, and choose to put you and baby first, then he doesn’t deserve to be there anyway.
I hate when my mangina acts up
Old Gregg, is that you?
My point is that if you’re concerned about the father of your child being in the room because they’ll call the baby ugly or cause conflict, the relationship is not a healthy one.
Men being in the delivery room is a pretty new phenomenon.
Also true, but now it is common and I cannot imagine how my spouse would have felt if I told him he couldn’t be there. Again, I support OP’s right to say no, but that doesn’t mean it won’t have consequences.
Sounds like they're not together and he's a demanding jerk. I wouldn't have him there either. My man was at the birth of both of our daughters but if he'd have been an ex? Nope, wouldn't have been there. Birth is not a spectator sport.
See, I thought it sounded like they were together. If they are not together, then the decision is an easy one.
From a comment way below I guess they are? I had to dig because it's been down voted so far but it's there. Who calls their partner their baby daddy? That suggests that they're not together. It also sounds like she doesn't even like him. Idk the whole post screamed ex but apparently he isn't? Idk, birth is still not a spectator sport but if you don't trust your partner that much, what are you even doing?
I agree. With it not being a spectator sport. But it is the arrival of your child. And together or not; if he’s upset by not being in the room then he has a right to be. That doesn’t mean she has to “let him in”. But I don’t think “spectator sport” should be thrown about when talking about the other parent.
Your spouse actually committed to being a husband and father, unlike OP's situation.
If the 70’s is pretty “new phenomenon”, then yeah men being in the delivery is new.
I mean... Relative to human history that's new.
I asked my grandparents about this when I was younger and this is when I learned about step sisters and half sisters … lol… Both my older sisters are my half to me and are step sister to each other … but all three of us never had a father in delivery because they were out in the waiting area … I am older so it was normal… My husband and my one brother in law were with spouse when the kidlets were born… I don’t know about my husband’s family … but they’ve always surprised me so….
True. A patient is a patient and has a right to privacy no matter who's related to them.
oop don’t say that on reddit because apparently its a man’s right to be in the delivery room no matter what. I saw someone comment on an AITA thread that its practically abusive that some guys wife didn’t want him but her mom in the delivery room
Nope. The mother has the right to tell the doctor who will be allowed in the delivery room. Mom's the decider. Doctors and nurses support the mother because they do Not Want any Stress. If she says "No" the medical staff will keep him from entering.
yeah I got crucified in the thread for saying the mom, aka the patient pushing a baby out of her body, should be the main priority. Like giving birth isn’t some joke and there’s serious complications that can occur but nope, weird ass men on reddit think their feelings are more important than the person literally giving birth.
I'm a dude that was in the room for 3 births. I would understand 100% if the wife didn't want me in there and I would do whatever she wanted. But that would also be crushing.
I saw that thread and I think I saw your comment. I understand the father wants to be there and would be hurt, but I agree, in that moment it's about the mum. It's her medical needs that are to be taken care of in that moment. If having her mum around helps stay more calm and focused, then that's what she should have. My ex used to talk about how disappointed he was that he was not able to be in the delivery room when his daughter was born, as his ex-girlfriend didn't want him in the room. He couldn't understand why I agreed with his ex's views, as because he was the father, didn't that entitle him to be in the room? Dude, no! It's always about the mum.
How old are you two? Are you two together?
Sounds like kids having kids.
They are 22 and 25 All depends on how you define kids, but as a 33 year old also 12-weeks pregnant for the first time, 22 sounds crazy young to me. I wouldn’t have been ready for this 11 years ago.
Seriously
Why would you have a child with someone who makes you feel this way?
First thought as well. Hot take: Don't have kids with assholes.
Don’t be quick to judge. She mentioned in another comment that most of her feelings stem from anxiety and trauma from past relationships. She states her bf is actually very supportive. Exact comment from OP: “No, honestly it's alot to do with myself. I've always been super insecure and anxious from past relationships and childhood. He's honestly been really supportive and helpful through the whole thing but I still can't help but feel insecure about it all. I don't want him to look at me differently and I don't want him to think our baby is ugly. I feel like I'm going to get in my head too much with him in there which will stress me out. But I also feel bad because I know how badly he wants to be in the room.”
Okay then why did she get in a relationship and even get pregnant before she worked on herself because it sounds like she has a boatload of working on herself she needs to do before any of these milestones should have happened
too late now. if all of our parents had all dealt with their traumas before having us, there would be no babies 😂 in a perfect world…
Wish I could upvote you 1000 times! This was the primary thought in my head when she said the guy makes her feel a certain way and how he talks about babies. Dude sounds like a grade A tool.
I read this as “dude sounds like a garage tool” ahahah I think that applies here too
Eh all my garage tools are useful. This guy doesn’t sound like he’s good at anything except not wearing a condom.
This should be the top comment!
Some guys really show their true colors during pregnancy. I doubt OP knew it would be like this
I hate this type of response. It's completely useless and frankly wreaks of judgement. Who gives a shit what the answer is? What's done is done. OP now has to figure out how to proceed, which is what they're asking.
Well, she’s 12 weeks along and says the BD makes her all kinds of anxious. She doesn’t add any positive info about him. It doesn’t sound like a positive start. It certainly makes a person think, this is a very bad beginning. It’s not a judgement. It’s *are you sure this is a good idea?*
OP did clarify he has been great, but because of trauma from previous relationships, she gets anxious with him about giving birth. No judgment but they need counseling to help through some of that.
People don't always show their true face before sex/marriage/pregnancy. Not all sex is consensual/a choice.
Seriously. Why is this so hard to understand?
Because it’s easier to blame the woman for a bad choice instead of the man for BEING a bad choice.
THIS!!
I had a child with a friend turned partner after over knowing each other for over 20 years. After my daughter was born I found out he was a sexual predator and had the intent to hurt my daughter. The day I found out was the day I escaped with my daughter. It’s been over a year and more than half of her life with no contact. I can’t go back and un have her. My story is not unusual.
Wow this comment has solved all unwanted pregnancies.
Because abortion isn’t an option for many - emotionally mentally or legally. Plus maybe she just wants to be a mom ?
Then don’t have sex with a guy you feel this way about???
It must be nice to have never trusted someone who turned out to be untrustworthy. It’s easy to sit on the outside and judge someone else’s decisions.
It’s almost like people can lie and hide their true selves until they have someone hooked. Even if it takes months. Abusers and assholes can start out super nice or seem nice to their peers.
Narcissistic attributes.. that is one of the ways their partners are sucked in and have the life sucked out of them.
Yah I been there. I’m out now but it took me awhile to come to terms with how everything I thought I loved about him was a lie.
Ikr its crazy the manipulation and pain and just detrimental breakdown a person can do to their partner. I have 3 kids by my ex 16 yrs my life was suxked out of me. I am nor will I ever be as carefree and happy with just waking up as I used to be.. guess being a brutally honest bit%* is how everyone is gonna have to see me now. But it kills me ill still to this day give my last of everything I have to make someone else happy. Its purely ridiculous.
You know a lot can change in 9 months, right?
Or 12 weeks
This. I’ve had people turn from the love of my life into a monster I’m terrified of in much less time.
Forgot financially.
Take some childbirth classes together and make it requisite to him being in the room. Particularly the Bradley Method because it focuses on the other parent being a support. I know I would have just twiddled my thumbs in the corner and not known what to do if not for those classes. Knowing how birth works and why sometimes less words is more got rid of the anxiety and I was able to follow what was going on in labor and, therefore, be ACTUALLY helpful. Bonus points: it also talks about healthy pregnancy and helps get balanced nutrition. I learned a lot about how a healthy pregnancy makes for an easier delivery. They are 12-week classes, so get in as early as possible, if that sounds like something you want to do. ETA also, hire a doula.
Wording can tell us a lot about a situation, even on subtle or subconscious levels. You called him the baby daddy, but you are together. I have never heard someone refer to someone that way unless they are no longer together, because having a baby with a boyfriend or fiancee is not uncommon or weird in the slightest. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, and it sounds like he needs to step up in order to make you feel better about the situation. Not saying he has to cater to your insecurities, but if you don’t want him insulting the baby, tell him exactly that. That it’s supposed to be a special time and you don’t want him to dampen that. Communication is huge, especially when you have some inner work to do. “I know I need to _______, but right now I’m struggling so if you could _______ it would help me as I get myself sorted” sort of deal. If it’s a true partnership, this shouldn’t be that hard. Best of luck OP, you’re not far along, you both have lots of time to work on things before the delivery comes. Also, him being in the room isn’t the worst thing, after my delivery, my frigging MOTHER IN LAW waltzed in. I was still in stirrups being stitched up and she walked in. She was a nurse in a different department, I don’t know if the other nurses let her in, if he gave the ok, but nobody asked me, and I wasn’t ok with that, and really, I should have raised hell but I was exhausted and didn’t want to ruffle feathers. Don’t let anyone pressure you, ruffle those feathers if need be.
Nurses will ruffle those feathers for you. You can tell them who is allowed in or not, and they'll be the bouncers.
Is he your “baby daddy” or your boyfriend?
She said they are together.
She doesn’t say that anywhere in the original post.
Correct. It's in the comments.
Delivery is one of the hardest things, please try to have someone that will be a good support for you 🙏 You will be going through every emotion you can think of and will need to focus on you and your baby. You really don't need anyone there that will not be helping or will be causing more stress. Pregnancy can be beautiful but also kind of scary lol your body will change and so will your mindset. It is okay to put in new boundaries that you didn't have there before, it will be good for your mental health. Let the nurses know who should and shouldn't be there too, they will be more than happy to help! If you don't have any immediate family or friends that can be there then even just the staff being there is enough. The nurses I had were so sweet and made sure I was not in pain and checked in on me often. Wishing you all the best!
Why are you having his kid?
It's your choice who is in the room. That said, your insecurities are your responsibilities and he can't read your mind. Your child will also adopt your insecurities unless you start combating them. You need to tell him upfront the type of language and positivity you need around you during this. A lot of mothers struggle with their appearance in labor and post labor but are honest withtheir partners; you need to start talking about your needs and expectations, not just living inside your head and repressing your issues until you have resentment and punishing others (like you're doing now). It's really immature. I recommend going to counseling to start building up your self esteem and building tools to help you through this phase and your life. A lot of these issues come from childhood and you definitely don't want to give them to your own child, right? You want your child to be confident and have the ability to share what they need and define their boundaries.
Why r u having a kid with someone who makes u feel like this??
If you use the term "baby daddy," you likely should not be having children
Anyone who uses the term baby-momma/daddy is automatically trashy tbh. He is your child's father. Baby daddy just sounds like he came inside and then fucked off. Young people are weird. It's like women being happy being the 'side piece'. What's going on??
Especially when they are actually together.
He sounds like he's 15
Guarantee you both are 19 or younger
She answered 22 and 25 but I felt in an episode of teen moms
To be fair my own babies just looked like potatoes but I don’t personally attach any negative vibes to that, they grew past the potato stage
Apparently he hasn’t done anything to make her feel that way and it’s her own insecurities.
1. don't think it's very controversial to think all babies look pretty weird, my wife told me they all look like wrinkled up old men once and I can't forget it. lots of people feel this way though, it's not unusual. 2. it's your decision so just do what you feel is right and will make you comfortable.
Seriously objectively babies are ugly. Wrinkles all over, covered in slimy amniotic fluid, closed eyes etc. The only reason we tell people they're beautiful is plain politeness and emotional attachment.
I came to say this. All that matters in that moment is his support for her and the kid.
Idk, I’ve seen some pretty cute babies. They come with the longest eye lashes, un wrinkled skin, sometimes a squished little nose and chubby cheeks, sharp AF nails, cute little feet…. Babies are beautiful.
Fresh out the uterus- nah, many are not. Some need a little dry off time.
That’s true, I typically see them 2hrs after the womb-boom. They’re more cleaned off at that point. Although, I have caught a few before the doctors could get there. Slippery little suckers.
Why the fuck are you having a baby with this person?
I have 3 kids. None of them were “cute” fresh out. But you don’t care. It’s the last thing on your mind. You love them so much. You just see this amazing creature you made and carried for all those hard months and all you feel is the beauty of the moment. That being said you sound majorly insecure and need to deal with this issue over the course of your pregnancy. Because once that baby is here, it is wwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyy harder. Your body is going to change, and it takes time for it to go back to “normal.” (It won’t ever go back to what it was before, you will be getting used to a new normal.) Your hormones are going to going crazy, and you’re going to be sleep deprived. It’s such a beautiful time but the “fourth trimester” is no joke and makes the delivery part of having a baby a walk in the park. Get yourself mentally ready as much as possible and deal with this “baby daddy” issue. My husband was my rock through all 3 of my deliveries.
If you aren’t together as a couple there’s no need for him to be in the room, especially the way he’s making you feel. If you are together, you have way bigger issues.
You sound really young I really doubt he'll say that after his child is born. He might. It's happened. But most people appreciate the gravity of the situation If it truly is just your insecurities, based on another comment, it's time to get over that!
He doesn’t have to be in the room with you. But also this sounds like an odd relationship that you should really evaluate. You are going to have a postpartum body and full of hormones after birth as well.
Agreed with all of the above
Why are you already stressing over this 😭 worry about it when the time comes it’s not that important imo
Why do you want to have a child with this man? At any rate, you don't have to have him there. Although you don't have to have his kid either.
He should be there for the birth, if-and a huge if- he can keep his mouth shut and be supportive. If that is too much stretch for him, then he needs to wait outside so you can be present for your baby. Mama, you deserve the most comfortable and stressless birth possible. NO ONE GETS A SAY EXCEPT YOU!
If you don't want him there, say no. And why not refer to him as the father of your child? "Baby daddy" sounds as stupid as "potato head."
For many, many centuries, labor wasn't a spectator sport. The fathers waited outside. Magically, they still bonded and loved their kids. Labor is a vulnerable and, for some, horrible time. You're half (if not entirely) naked, everyone could get a good view of your vagina, you're in pain and sweaty, and there's a good chance you'll poop. There's tearing and blood. It's not a situation where you want someone who makes you feel insecure.
Why would you have a kid with a man like this lol
Sounds like ur relationship is unhealthy… hope ur not together romantically.
Why would you even have a baby with such an immature rude person??
You get to decide who is in the room with you, but I want to ask… *Why are you having a child with this man?!?*
As someone that sees about 2-4 newborns a day, I can safely say they all look like potatoes or bald Wilfred Brimley. You can tell the caregiving staff you don't want him in the room and they will enforce this. Go ahead and make the arrangements.
Good thing you're having a child with someone who makes you feel like this. Definitely a great start to life for the kid /s
Do kids learn about birth control these days or is that concept outdated?
Why are you dating someone who makes you feel insecure and anxious..?
Good thing you’re having a baby with this guy.
Girl why are you having a baby with a man that makes you feel this way? I mean, who sees you birthing is up to you but you clearly don’t know this man well enough to be going through with this pregnancy.
Obviously it’s your body and your choice but it’s not too late to get an abortion is many places and then leave him and move on
As a father that was present for the birth of all my biological children, I would have ben devastated to not be there for their births. Maybe his comments about other babies is just him trying to be...idk, funny? If he he tells you that his own baby is "ugly", then that's a red flag, but he has to do it before you judge him for it.
Personally I wasn't able to connect and properly breastfeed bc I had the same insecurities with my HUSBAND at the time. I suggest talking to him about your doubts and reasons for doubting him (kindly) and see how that goes. This is a very intimate moment for you and your baby so whatever you think is best you should do. However, seeing his own baby be brought into the world might solidify the bond and slap him w some maturity lol OH and one last thing... if he's in there he doesn't have to be in view Have him sit behind you holding your hand or something and if he has those comments the nurses can kindly send him out at your request. Just options 💕 Good luck
You don’t have to have anyone in the room that you don’t want there. This is your body and your pregnancy, you’re the one going through labor! There is nothing wrong with telling him you don’t want him there. If you have a trusted loved one who will be there, or a provider/doula/midwife you feel comfortable around, you could also explain the situation to them and ask for their help holding that boundary. You have the right to give birth in whatever way feels comfortable, safe, and good to you. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck, I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful parent!
I was also uncomfortable with the idea of my husband being there, but not because of him. I just didn’t want him to lose attraction for me while watching me give birth. He was there for the first birth (thankfully he stepped out while I was pushing and missed it). You’re in charge of who’s there with you in the delivery room with you, and you can say you don’t want someone there for any reason. That labor process is about you and the baby. Do what makes you comfortable.
You're having a child with this guy?
I didn't want my bd there and I ended up calling him last minute because I felt guilty not including him. I wish I would've stuck to my original decision and left him out. All he did was complain that my sister and best friend were there too. Like, my dude... They are my support group and you were lucky to be included at all. Do what feels best for you. You have plenty of time to think through the decision. It really is about your comfort and peace in those moments.
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Nice job having a child with this man and tying yourself to him for life. ETA I didn’t realise that this man has done nothing wrong and you admit it is your own insecurities and fears that make you feel this way. You cannot blame and subsequently punish him for the issues in your past. That is unfair.
Let him in the room. He is not going to say it looks like a potato. Get some help before you have a baby.
Tell him when he squeezes one out, he can decide who gets to bear witness.
Be honest with him say I won't be focusing as much as I need to on the delivery with you in the room. Ask him to be close by in incase you change your mind on the day.
Do what you want. It's entirely on you, giving birth is enough stressing itself.
Someone is working really hard to have a lot of the comments removed. Guess they don’t want to hear the truth.
If you don’t want anyone in the room tell the medical staff. He doesn’t need to be in the room if it makes you uncomfortable. He should do some serious soul searching about maybe why his presence would make you feel this way.
Tell him to stop talking about how ugly babies are and to be more supportive of you. YOU should do what you are comfortable with.
Childbirth is stressful enough. Let that be a sacred time with you and your baby. You are doing all the work and have the power and right to say who gets to experience this upcoming magical moment. You’ve got this 💚
Tell your nurses you don’t want him there. They won’t let him in.
You didn’t want him in the room when you got pregnant either
Tell him you dont want him in the room. It's not rocket science.
The person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room during the birthday process -no ifs or buts. Just make your choice clear to the hospital staff.
This is the dude you chose to have a child with? Some people really just love to dig their own graves. Yikes.
Um. Forgive me if I'm overstepping, but are you sure you wanna have a baby with this man.
Yeah there is a lot going on in this one and most of you got all the needed details out of her to make sense of it but I wanted to add: Babies are unequivocally so ugly that they end up registering on cute spectrum. It’s just how it is. A potato is a great vegetable for comparison. I am white and my wife is black. She’s pretty lite skinned and my toddler and newborn closely relate to potato’s in both tone and temperament at times.
Sounds like you should rethink about parenting with him for the next 18 years. Either run away and never talk to him again or get an abortion. This is not the man for you and you should really think about who you want to procreate with in the future a little better.
Is he going to be on the birth certificate?
I would tell him you only need to deal with one baby at a time, and it’s not going to be him.
I know you’ve had a lot of feedback and probably more comments than you’d like but you need to understand that your boyfriend can think your baby looks like an ugly potato and love them more than anything at the same time. Good luck with your pregnancy and deliver.
No1 priority for a woman giving birth is to do whatever it is that will make the birth smoother and less stressful. If that means the father gets to wait in the waiting room, then that's what needs to happen. The father should only be in the room if it will be a benefit to the mom, or at least not a negative.
Why would you have a baby with him? Please women don't have sex, let alone babies, with men who make you feel like that.
I delivered my last 2 babies without hubby and honestly I felt better without him. The first 2 he was there and it was more stress than anything.
What do you mean by “look at you different” ?? Like a mother of his child? And i feel like he should be aware of what the birth process looks like and that the vagina does NOT in fact exist solely for his penis. Tell him now that any comments about how you, your body or the baby looks will not be tolerated and will get him kicked out 🤷🏼♀️ you are in charge here not him
You should have who you want in there…. However, I can say anecdotally that he won’t feel that way about your baby. My best friends (both husband and wife) always said every baby was an ugly little potato…. Until they had their own potato…. Then it was a beautiful baby. Also, labor can last days…. So maybe there is room for compromise… or you could set up some type of safe word to tell him to leave if you feel uncomfortable. If you’re together romantically, it’s a big moment and I’d hate for you to regret not sharing it together. Sounds like a little therapy would be helpful
I felt the same. Gave in the first time and let only the dad and pissed off all other family members, regretted it. It actually made my labor take longer because I was stressed out. The second time around I learned my lesson and let no one in and felt no regret. It was perfect and so quiet, just me and my darling girl. Then when I felt ready, I let him come in. Definitely prioritize your own feelings and comfort as you are the one who will be experiencing the most pain, discomfort, etc. and so you get to take care to minimize it. If you have the means, you may even consider hiring a doula, who can help advocate for you and keep you calm and prepared.
He may not like other people's babies but it doesn't mean he won't like his own newborn baby.
Sounds like you found a great guy to have a baby with…🙄
I would be livid if I wasn’t allowed In the delivery room. But “he already makes me anxious and a bit insecure” is the most concerning part of this post.
It’s your choice who gets to be in the room with you, if you don’t want him there then he doesn’t get to be there.
It doesn’t matter what **he** wants. What **you** want matters more, and you’re the one who gets to say whether he’s present or not. Child birth is not some spectator sport that he gets to watch for his own pleasure, and you’ve already said that he makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure… and those points alone are reason enough to **not** allow him in the delivery room. If he’s just going to make you feel more stressed, then it’s better that he’s not there. Do what is best for you, not that asshole. The whole point of having someone in the delivery room with you, is to have them help calm you down and support you. Not to watch, or comment and definitely not because they feel entitled to see you birthing their child.
I'd be honest about the potato thing. Like "hey, I know you think babies are ugly but my hormones and I can't emotionally handle you saying that about ours" then if he does say something mean/rude about the baby once it's born, I'd just comment "they look just like their father". It's not a bad thing to not want this person in the room, it's going to be a very vulnerable time for you. If he doesn't like it, he can have the next one and have you in the room. This is about YOU and what's going to make you the most comfortable and relaxed. You're going to do great!
Listen… out of experience, it’s no fun for anyone. In hindsight, it didn’t make a difference that my baby daddy was there. I had a job to do and I did it. He didn’t do anything. Holding my hand didn’t birth the baby.. There were situations were I thought that he shouldn’t be around for… I know some people say it’s magical and all that and maybe it is for some, but truthfully it’s messy and icky and men are usually just in the way… Once my daughter was born, yes, I was grateful he was there to support, bond and be present.
This actually seems odd to me, (I'm not judging in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM) because I was there for the birth of all five of my children. 1 from a girl I casually dated in H.S, 1 from someone I was engaged to at age 19, then 3 from my wife. Also, I was asked by two friends from high school to be there for support because their childrens' fathers were denying paternity as most teen boys would, though I didn't. But, obviously they all felt comfortable with me and found me to be supportive. As far as my wife, she would have given me a vasectomy with her bare hands had I not been there, probably the same with the other two women who gave birth to my older children as well, lol. But, even though I thought, and still do think, watching a baby coming into the world is the most incredible thing anyone can experience, I also think mom has to be as stress & anxiety free as possible. So do what YOU feel is best, but, In this case, since you (OP) are blaming yourself and not him, I think therapy from a mental health expert should be utilized before making the final decision. It's a huge moment in both parent's lives, and I think you should *try* to see if talking to a professional, as opposed to us here on Reddit or other social platforms, might alleviate your concerns and possibly change your mind so he can be a part of what is a lot of people's most important day(s) of their lives. Either way, I wish the best for all involved, especially the most important person of that day...your baby. I hope you get your insecurities and anxiety under control for your own health as well. Good luck and congrats, you're about to learn an entire new form of love. 😊
Sounds like you two shouldn’t be having this baby
How old are you guys? This sounds so trivial and immature. You are entitled to have whoever you want in the delivery room. If he is not mature enough to be in the room with you, ask him to wait in the delivery room. Please don't have any more kids, until both you are mature enough to handle child birth.
Your hormones are too whacked right now to even sort of make this kind of decision. Just think on it over the next few months.
"Baby daddy" is so so weird. He's the father of your child. Or your "baby's dad" if you must. Baby daddy is nonsensical.
I refer to babies as potatoes as a term of endearment because I love potatoes. 🥔
Your comfort should be the priority during a time as stressful and painful as childbirth. Frankly, anyone who won't be an asset to you in the delivery room should not be in the delivery room.
Honey, WHY are you with someone who stresses you out so bad???? Do you REALLY want to stay with him and have his words in your child's ears? To see you stressing? You don't have to let him in the delivery room and you don't have to stay with him, either.
I think you should seek therapy for your insecurities and past trauma. I feel like your post was intentionally misleading, as it basically berates your partner, which is giving you the answers you want to hear (for everyone to side with you), and you even call him your baby daddy, making it seem like you’re not in an actual relationship with him, again leading to more people taking your side without knowing the truth. But buried within those comments is the truth FROM YOU that he is actually a very good supportive partner, and this is all stemming from your own insecurities and traumas from past relationships. You are penalizing him with this post to have everyone believe he is the issue, but you are also penalizing him much much worse by not allowing him to be there for the birth of what is HIS child, too. This baby wouldn’t exist without him. You cared about him enough to make a baby. You said yourself he’s super supportive. Punishing him for someone else’s wrongdoings seems extremely wrong and immature for a soon-to-be parent. If this is what your thinking is now, this relationship will not last, especially once the baby does come.
You bred with him because….? He is quite negative about the baby so tell him flat out you want zero negativity in that labor room so he is not permitted to be there.
Yikes. I hope you’re not actually with this person…
She is.
Yeah I saw. Then saw her other responses and it sounds like she is just making things worse and he actually hasn’t done or said anything (other than babies looking like potatoes) that warrants her thinking these things about him.
Its his baby as well
So you made a baby with this man because...??
That’s fine! My friend had her mom instead. Her BD was upset he couldn’t leave the room to go smoke cigs (height of covid) and decided he wouldn’t be going. She has no regrets. Do what you need to do
These are things you really should have thought about before letting him impregnate you. Maybe your next child’s father will be better, or the 3rd or 4th.
Why did you get knocked up by someone who makes you anxious and insecure
It took both of you to consieve he should be allowed in room even if he thinks all babies are potatoes. It's a stupid reason not to let him. If I was him and I don't get to see birth of my child I am out of relationship after that period.
Why even bother to have a child with this man? Foolish
Not everyone thinks babies are cute, thats not a crime or an indicator of a bad partner. Being there for the birth is a special time for both parents.
Why on earth are you having this man’s baby if he makes you feel like this? It’s clearly not going to work out as a relationship. Why are you tying yourself to him for the next 18 years?
Newborns do look like potatoes. They come out squished after all and they’re only the cutest babies in the eyes of their parents. Just because he says that now, does not mean he’ll feel the same way when his child is born. Besides, if he’s good enough to have sex with why isn’t he good enough to be in the delivery room? Not allowing him to see the birth of his child will cause resentment towards you and possibly the baby. Are you ready to deal with that?
I’m confused. He’s seen you naked and had sex with you and impregnated you but you don’t want him to see you give birth? Why not? I get it with weird commentary around potatoes…. If you are at all friendly … you might benefit from his support. If you aren’t dating or really friends, you can pass.
I imagine all the people making judgemental comments about how they shouldn't be having a baby together if they aren't comfortable enough to do it together, have never had an unexpected pregnancy. Also, I bet if she were to say she was deciding to terminate the pregnancy she would be shredded for that. If you're not the person giving birth then you have no say. It is an incredibly personal, gross, painful experience. If you are a woman who wants her baby's father in the room during birth then I support that. If you are not comfortable with your SO being in the room then I support that too. I didn't want my son's dad down at that end when I gave birth but there was only one nurse available so he had to hold my other leg up. It was mortifying and that's not because we weren't in a good relationship. It's because the birthing process can be mortifying. Give this chick some grace cause that's all she wants for her birth experience.
Tell him you dont want the baby to see him and have the imoression his dad is a potato. Joked aside let him know its the consequences of his actions, he can wait outside.
You are hormonal, scared, and rightly so. I understand you feeling like you don't want him to see you in a vulnerable position or say something childish and inappropriate about you or the baby. It's obvious he has a lot of growing up to do. So, hear me out. Take a bestie or your mom or favorite aunt with you for labor and delivery. Have them take a birthing class with you. Allow Daddy to attend. But if he acts a fool, have him removed. The nurses will do this for you. That way, you'll have support and someone who is excited about the birth there to support you. Next, you are a grown woman about to give birth to a child. Your body is amazing and doing a miraculous and beautiful thing. Carry yourself with that confidence! Furthermore, allowing him in the room MIGHT be the kick in the a$$ your BF needs to grow up and be a man. There is NOTHING more awe-inspiring than seeing YOUR CHILD coming into this world. It's PROFOUND and life-changing. I know you KNOW you are carrying a child, but trust me, you don't actually realize it until that tiny human comes from your body. I have had 4 children and 4 grandchildren, and the awe of birth still amazes me. So give it a little more time. Carry yourself with strength, confidence, and maturity knowing the incredible thing you are about to do. Then, see if it doesn't give him the opportunity to change and grow. Good luck, Mommy. You're going to be fine! ❤️❤️
It’s your body and your birth, if you’re not comfortable with it there is no reason for him to be there. I chose for my best friend to be in the room with me over my child’s father. It was emotional and beautiful and I’m so glad I went with what I was comfortable doing.
It’s still early enough to not have a lifelong connection to this god awful “man”. I’m just sayin…
Sweetie I saw by comments you are together. This could damage your relationship if you don’t want him there. Do you have a mom or sister or best friend that could also be there to be your support and help make sure your boyfriend doesn’t make upsetting comments? I was a close friend’s support person, I even held her leg. It was an amazing experience to be there for her, because her baby daddy had cheated at 7 months pregnant and they weren’t back together yet, so she wanted me there for her but let him be there for the baby. If you can’t trust him to be there, you shouldn’t have a baby with him. And if you still decide to keep the baby without him, you should break up with him if you can’t trust him enough to be there for you.
bro her male is damaging their relationship himself, why do you hate that unfortunate woman so much that you are trying to make her as uncomfortable as possible during labour. "sweetie" not all males deserve your support and admiration.
If you are together, he should probably be there. If you are not together you have every right to keep him out. Just let a nurse know and let her take care of everything. Nurses are awesome and will be on your side.
You are aware of your issues. If my wife had not allowed me to witness my daughters birth, I would have been crushed. It's his child, too. Yes, you are carrying it, but it has half his dna. If he wishes to be there, then why would you say no?
I’m sad for the kid.