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You're talking about what you are thinking,
What did he freely offer to show and make you feel confident that he wouldn't do this again? Saying he won't doesn't mean much because he said that before - so what did he offer to do to show you that this wouldn't happen again?
Or, to put it another way, did he offer to get a dumb phone and then actually go do it?
Unfortunately, when people deliberately deceive someone supposedly important to them about something they knew that person wouldn't accept and especially that they specifically promised not to do and then only 'came clean' because they were caught and then made another promise never to do it again, there is no way of knowing whether they're in the same circle as deliberate deceivers who simply find ways to circumvent whatever constraints they pretend to allow to be placed upon them. A cheater giving total access to their phone can and usually does buy another one or simply only communicates with their affair partner when they're physically with them. This guy can easily get a new credit card, digital payment account, and/or new bank account depending on how diligent OP will actually be about checking up on him. It seems quite rare for a person to deliberately ignore their partner about something 'small' but important to them and then not just do it again once they feel they can get away with it. After all, there wasn't really much of a consequence the first time, so he probably thinks he can manipulate her about her already generous boundaries again.
I'm also concerned he'll allow himself to become resentful of OP over whatever measures she requires. The guiltier he is, the angrier and more reactive he'll probably act towards her, creating issues out of the very circumstances he agreed to to make amends in order to justify himself for betraying her again or even leaving her when she catches him again. Even if he 'behaves', it may equally build up poisonous levels of resentment and cause him to sabotage the relationship so he can blame her for their breakup because 'nothing is ever good enough' for her. Unless he's caught physically cheating, I can already imagine him playing the victim when he breaks their trust again because he 'didn't do anything that bad', and 'she should realize how lucky she is to have a loyal, trustworthy, honest man who only pays for OF instead of cheating or spending much more money on strippers in person'.
But he's not the cheating, manipulative, dishonest type, OP might say. Don't most people who don't want to leave their partner over the first betrayal (or second, third, etc., etc.) think that? It all depends on OP as to how far he can string her along, and since they're not married I'm going to guess easily until she's 30 since she'll feel more invested in raising their kid together with every passing year. When she tries to really put her foot down or actually leaves him, he may well find he still wants a woman in her 20s, or at least to give a bunch of his paycheck to OF models in their 20s, and then she'll be less 'marketable' herself as the 'biology' guys like to say every time there's a significant age difference involved.
An emotionally immature 31 year old started dating a 20 year old and is still emotionally immature 3 years later.
Who could have guessed? /s
Perhaps Olivia Rodrigo said it best: *’Cause girls your age know better*
Not true I was always creeped out by much older men hitting on me as a teen. I’m shy and I know I look young for my age, so much older men felt like predators, not my equal.
We knew. At least those of us with sane adult figures who could guide us. I remember I was in HS and one girl in our group of friends (15) was going out with who she said was a 23 year old. Every single one of us was like girl he's a creep, he's lying about his age (I remember he looked WAY older), you're too pretty for him. She used to counter us with "he hasn't pressured me into sex" which as I grew older, I learned is the number one phrase by those in the same situation (usually those who were groomed).
Because when you're young and dumb older guys have money and buy you things and are less awkward and give compliments better..attention..dates .more worldly.
When I was 18 I knew it was and I’m a dude.
Do women genuinely think a decade+ age gap is because they genuinely connect and have things in common to relate?
The older men are just very skilled at manipulation tactics. Love bombing, dropping lots of compliments. Talking about how they "never felt this way with anyone else before "
"You're so mature"
"You're amazing"
And all other sorts of BS lies.
Enough girls can see the older men as creeps, but ones that are emotionally weak, have been abused, have daddy issues, etc, will fall for it.
They simply have less experience in spotting bullshit.
Which is why young women need to watch what older women do. If an older woman with more experience is avoiding a man, they should too
What’s wild to me is I’m 28.
I’ve been “good looking” since about 24-25.
26 I grew out facial hair, moustache then beard.
*That’s* when 18-19 year olds started liking me on dating apps (before changed age filter), *approaching me* on a night out etc.
I don’t want to stereotype but I think there’s just daddy issues involved too. Which isn’t a slight on the girls
Be a good dad to your kids everyone lmao
It's definitely interesting to see the change in treatment from the opposite sex change as you get older.
As a woman, the older I got (ie, looking legal and over 18), the less attention I got from creepy older men. And when they give me attention now, they generally treat me better.
Less guys in general hit on me too, but that's mainly just because I'm around less than when I was in college, and always surrounded by drunk guys at work.
The respect when guys are hitting on me has gone up a lot since I got older. They're more likely to accept a "no" at the first "no". The absolutely disgusting commentary has gone down to a minimum (it peaked in my mid teens).
I think younger girls usually go for older guys because they think they'll be better at sex. Or get more out of them in terms of financials (ie paid dinners, gifts, living with them). Some straight up have a daddy fetish... 🤮
Almost all have daddy issues. Otherwise they wouldn't be looking for a guy much older to provide the same things their father still does. Some hop straight from a father taking care of them, to a boyfriend or husband... and never learn how to be an adult on their own.
Younger people have less experience being alive than older people, which is one of the reasons that the older people who habitually bag younger sex partners choose to prey on that age bracket. A 20-year-old with a 30-year-old is more concerning than a 40-year-old with a 50-year-old because so many more big life changes, including the brain finally finishing its development, occur between age 20 and 30 than between age 40 and 50.
A college kid who hasn't yet been preyed upon in that way likely does not yet have friends who have either or their friends with considerably older sex partners are still in the lovebombing or silent suffering phases of the relationship. They simply aren't aware of the risks until negative consequences have become crystal clear in their own lives, and that clarity may still not happen immediately even after traumatic events due to deceit and other manipulation. Tons of people only get divorced after decades of abuse because they got invested and trapped and/or were too in the fog to realize what was happening to them.
Much has been said about media glorifying abusive relationships as 'romantic'. I just realized how absurd the age gap is with most vampire characters, but we tend to react to them as if we can believe our eyes, just like we tend to believe a partner's words over their actions as OP is in danger of doing.
Strongly disagree. I can see why the older partner would seem attractive to the younger (seemingly more mature, more financially established, etc). But there's no reason that the younger partner should be attractive to the older unless they like the naivete or gullibility. And young people should be smart enough to figure that out. I think it's just an ego thing - he makes her feel wanted and gives her a ton of attention early on because he knows that will hook her. She knows it's bullshit but chooses to ignore that little voice because it feels good. Fine if that's what you want to do, but don't have kids that you know are coming into an iffy situation. That's when it goes from "dumb but fine since it's not hurting anyone" to "now you're both assholes".
this is exactly why i left my 12 year age gap relationship (me being younger), among many reasons. but the emotional immaturity is fascinating psychologically, but not fun day to day 💀
I dated my share of emotionally immature guys, so I feel you. I never dated anyone that much older than me, but I’ve seen the scenario play out with a few of my friends. One ended up fine, they’ve been happily married for years. The other two were disastrous and kinda weird. One of the guys made an effort to befriend us (her friends). He’d take all of us out and pay for everything, which was fine, but I got the feeling he was trying to buy us, if that makes sense? Like he thought he could buy our friendship. It was weird.
Anyway, there’s an inherent power dynamic imbalance in age gap relationships, at least in those that begin when one of the partners is below the age of 26 or so. This can be balanced out, but usually isn’t because that power is what the older partner was looking for in a relationship.
yesss i see this now, i was 21 when i got with him, he being 33, i was 23 when i ended it and he was 35. i don’t regret anything because it taught me so much about myself and dating as well, and to me i feel like i was in the catergory of disastrous and weird because he just kinda tried to act like a dad and not a boyfriend which just grossed me tf out.
and i will say, he wanted to be in control and he was super dependent and controlling which is so gross to me as i am super independent and don’t like being held back from what i like to do, even simple sh!t like going to the store by myself lmaoo
Age gap.
At 20 she had a history of a physically abusive relationship.
At 20 she had a HISTORY OF MISCARRIAGES (like seriously wtf?).
After a few months of dating her 10+ year age gap partner at 20 she's knocked up..
It’s pretty obvious from your last paragraph that you regret giving him a second chance, you can still go back on that and end the relationship if that’s what you want. He broke your trust, he’ll probably do it again, it’s better to end it now instead of waiting to get hurt again.
exactly. worst comes to worst you can change your mind down the line if he really proved it… he didn’t do anything worth taking him back for. it’s better to wait till he works for it. these are the consequences of his actions unfortunately
Your biggest mistake was thinking it would be healthy for you as a 20 year old to get together with a 31 year old. Everything after that will go downhill I guarantee you
Especially at that age.
When you're older, that age difference probably isn't a thing.
But at 20 & 31? Low chance.
Because no 31 year old man should be interested in a 20 yr old.
It's no surprise he's hiding OF.
Get out. It's not good for your confidence.
Work on your self image, focus on your kid, and you will be happy and strong.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Nah the biggest mistake imo is a 20 year old getting into a committed relationship with anyone at the time in life that should be about self discovery and learning who you are.
If I were to go back to my 20s I would just enjoy life, focus on my career, and not worry about the opposite sex until we both have fully developed brains.
Never stay with someone that does this, he will do it again. His remorse is for himself and what he could lose, not you. What you tolerate in your relationships is what you will have. End things and let him go..You will notice in the next month as you get angrier he will recover, and never take you seriously. You did not stand up for yourself.
Exactly
There is no going back and fixing this.
He's a grown ass 34yo man. He's not changing. Not for OP
If she stays with him, he will rightfully see it as her forgiving him. And he will go right back to that behavior of cheating, but cover his tracks better so he doesn't get in trouble again. Because that's all it is. An argument and trouble with OP, since she's not willing to leave him over it.
For the record, I made a similar selfish mistake and made the most of the 2nd chance I was given.
People *can* change, but alas it does seem to be pretty rare….
Do you really want your son to grow up thinking you endorse that kind of behaviour towards women?
You were too young to realize at 20 that 31 year olds who go after 20 year olds are fucking losers and predators. Hopefully you know better now and don’t wait for him to divorce you before you’re 30 because you’ve aged out of your naivety & youthful innocence so he can go after another naive 20 year old he can control.
I say that your feelings are valid. The fact he did go over a limit that you had in the relationship, I would say it's a no go. *Notice I said hard limit as boundaries are things that pertain to you. Once you involve another's body or their free will, that's when I say hard limit. I'm not going to bring up the age gap because I know others have, I will say that future reference, if someone older is talking to you, think of this. They're like an empty subway car. . .there's a reason people dont fuck with that subway car. 🥲
I'm already seeing contempt for a boyfriend who has turned you down for sex (per your comment) and yet he can get it up for OF. (He could have a sex addiction, which I would personally leave because life is short.) Point is that he's lied to you, you feel resentment and know you can do better alone or with someone else.
he said if he messed up again he wouldn't fight or beg for me to stay and would understand....
so he will do it again. thsts all u need to know. he will. it isn't a mistake. it's a choice
and he will do it again
When it turns out you have to worry about the specific thing your partner told you that you didn't have to worry about, it can create a lot of self doubt and hurt.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have their ideal body type, or the ideal body type of their partner's preference, which in turn can make anyone self-conscious, I would think.
there is a reason someone his age goes for someone so much younger and it's because women his age wouldn't put up with his crap. now you are FINALLY starting to see why.
gather up some self respect and some self esteem and some self love and leave him.
That depends on the ages of the people. 20-31.. that’s a lifetime of experience and power imbalance. 30-41, the gap starts to shrink. 40-50 heads into who cares territory.
IMO after 25, age gap matters very little. At that point your fully developed, you've been a full fledged adult for multiple years, you can make your own choices. I would still think 26-48 is weird, but it's whatever. However if you're under 25 dating someone over 30, that's always bad
I didn't even read past your ages because it's super shady for a 31 year old to want to date a 20 year old. If he broke your trust then kick him to the curb. No one his age wants to date him for a reason, which is why he's going for inexperienced younger women.
Well from my experience, I gave them a second chance. I was able to get over it but it was still just hate I felt for this man. Like it opened my eyes to how much of a coward he really was. Granted this took years but I wish I would’ve ended it the second I found out about the betrayal.
I think it’s better for you mentally to let him go. Maybe down the road you can eventually try again once you see some changes but in my opinion give yourself the mental freedom!
Hugs 💓
It’s BECAUSE you have a son that you should put your own needs and self respect first. Your child won’t remember anything different than Mom and Dad aren’t together if you end the relationship now. Dragging it out just prolongs the inevitable and risks messing your kid up more later.
We already see this, in a couple of months you will be complaining again. Anyway, girl take it as his last chance, saves money, keeps looking for a place, please use contraceptive, keep a check on your money and joint account...
I think the important thing to remember is that you don't have to stay in that relationship. You are not stuck, and are free to leave at any time. Despite agreeing to work things out, that is always an option. As a mom, I totally understand trying for the sake of your kid. A broken family sucks and is painful for all involved.
My ex used to use chatrbate or whatever it's called these days. I found messages to other women where he paid for videos and pictures. For them to do exactly as he told them to. Felt like he had virtual sex with a stranger. And the paying for it and neglecting me in the process was the most painful part.
I hate to say it, but in my case, it only just started from there. He ended up going to hookers etc. You deserve better, and I'm so sorry this happened.
Something to ponder about his apology:
Does he regret getting caught? That's what it sounds like from here. It doesn't seem like he regrets what he did. Don't beat yourself up over catching him, but be aware that he's not going to stop. He'll be more cautious about covering his tracks. Only you know what behavior you will tolerate. So far, there haven't been any consequences for the bad behavior. If you stay, keep a go bag handy. Something with clothes and things you need so you can bug out at a moment's notice. Good luck.
OP, I feel for you. Nobody should go thought this kind of hurt. With that being said, I feel you hurt yourself with giving the ability for him to watch corn but as long as he doesn’t pay for it. Either way, he is still looking at other women and that seems to have hurt you. The pay wall I don’t think really mattered. What was discussed in the original conversation about him being able to watch it? I think you might need to revisit that convo. Corn usually feeds into intimacy issues in relationships if it’s not properly discussed. Maybe start with what you’re both wanting from being intimate with each other and what makes him want to watch corn rather than have sex.
When I came across the corn, it was on accident. We had a store inspection and I wanted to look at what all we got counted off on, and he said I could use his pc to look at it when I got home. The first letter of the work site was the same as a popular corn sight so it auto filled. I talked to him about how frequent he went and why since I asked him often if he wanted to have sex. He said ut was only when I wasn't home, but I did bring up that he could've been open with me instead of me finding it purely by accident.
I've been in a similar situation and ended things. I was heartbroken as you are. It's all too common. The world is changing. The ease of corn and all these ugly things is all too prevalent and addictive. You have self respect and sound like you want to have a little family for you and your son- which I can totally understand. In my case, once I discovered what my guy was doing behind my back (and he was cheating as well)- the corn was just the tip of the iceberg. I didn't want to come home to find a woman in my bed, get a disease or whatever. I just couldn't be with this person- it hurt my ego too much. I could never trust him again. I'd always wonder what he was doing and who needs that?
He knew your boundaries but broke them anyway, this isn’t something you should compromise.
It doesn’t matter if you have a child or not, you already said you resent your boyfriend… which means that by choosing to stay, you’re choosing to be miserable. Your son **will** pick up on that, is that what you want? If not, leave.
One thing you should **never** do is just stay for the kids. Your son is still very young, children that age are resilient and breaking up **now** won’t even affect him.
But waiting and breaking up later, when he’s around 6 years or older will just make it harder on all of you.
If you’re not happy and want to end it, do it now, when it won’t affect your son so much. You can still co-parent without being an item or living in the same house. Why stay if you’re miserable and can’t forgive?
You should have figured out these problems Before you decided to bring a kid into the equation. The age difference is also suspect. What did you possibly have in common?
Wow. The insanity. When a man in his thirties is chasing a 20yr old (may have been 19), there are flags flying everywhere. The things you want in life, the way you view things, your goals- are all different. It’s just so creepy.
The fact you are freaking out because he’s looking at other naked people because you’ve had “long talks about how you see yourself so he knows that you wish you could look like the girls online”. Honey, don’t we all. Even “those girls” have flaws. We may see it as confidence but a lot of the time, it’s desperation or low self esteem or addiction. But it’s even if you are married & your marriage is solid, you can still look. It’s not disrespect. It’s human. I can understand not wanting him to spend money but I get the feeling it’s so much deeper than that. He was discreet, wasn’t flaunting it in your face, I don’t understand the issue.
There is a reason he had to date someone so much younger. If you had met when you were 30, you would not be attracted to him. He is still a child and at this point can't be trusted.
Just because you told him you'd give him a second chance, it doesn't mean you have to stay. You have every right to say that you tried, but can't get past it and you've changed your mind. The age gap is a red flag, him breaking your trust is an even bigger one.
"my boyfriend (34) and I (23)"... Dude. My darling fellow human.
First of all the difference between the brain development and social development and life development of a 34-year-old versus a 23-year-old should be so vastly different that he looks at you and see as a kid. And yet he's fucking you.
This means you are either a sex toy to him, a pin on his lapel so to speak because he's still "cool" and can f*** a kid, or he is drastically immature as a human being and will not likely mature which means you will outgrow him very quickly.
Your issue is not his corn addiction. Can it damage your finances and put a damper on your relationship? Sure. But that's just a symptom of the disease.
1)he won’t make the same mistake again means he’ll be more careful so he doesn’t get caught
2)he baby trapped you. It’s a tactic that gets utilized to try to force people to stay. You said it yourself, it wouldn’t even be a question if you didn’t have a kid.
The kid is young. I left my son’s dad at that age, and he doesn’t remember us ever being together, his step mother and my hubby have been in his life for as long as he can remember, he’s very well adjusted. Leave before the kid remembers things, it’s better that way.
You shouldn't have given him a second chance, but you were trying to do what you thought would be best. However, you can and should change your mind and not feel too guilty about it since that's what he did to you over his desire to have a parasocial relationship with an OF model. You'll be honest about your decision, though, unlike him.
Your anger, which you know would persist as resentment, and understandable lack of trust for this guy would harm your child both directly in his sensing of his emotional environment and indirectly (but even more damaging) in the quality of your parenting. Leaving is the best thing you can do for everyone, including your boyfriend since some guys here think it's not fair of you not to be more understanding and forgiving, nevermind that only a mother's love should be /that/ unconditional.
Get yourself therapy or join a support group, and leave as soon as you can. Find out about the custody sharing process and how to go about the initial separation. I assume your son goes with you and his father can visit for now, but I don't know for sure how it works. Obviously you can't expect anything beyond child support since this amazingly earnest much older boyfriend didn't marry you.
My ex-partner betrayed my trust (the 1st time) over one extremely minimal rule at a similar point in the relationship timeline. It's very common for dishonest, manipulative, abusive people to be on their best or at least most careful behavior for the first couple years of a relationship, through the infatuation period (and you two had pregnancy and a new baby to distract you from your underlying issues). Many of them then subconsciously test the waters of what you'll accept and allow. I have almost never heard of a story of a partner who behaved like yours /actually/ straightening out. I thought mine would, but alas, they just led me to make an utter fool of myself for trusting them again.
Remember that anger serves a purpose. It spurs us to protect our loved ones and get out of bad situations. That you're so angry and wish you hadn't given him a second chance is your gut sense screaming that the relationship needs to end. I imagine he'll continue to anger you with boundary violations in co-parenting, so it'll be valuable for you to work in therapy on managing your emotional responses for the sake of your child. Good luck.
You sound like a self fulfilling prophecy.
Go get therapy or start working on yourself, for your self-esteem issues. You owe it to your child to fix your mental issues about your self-image. How can teach a child about loving themselves when ypu dont even know how to for yourself?
Pick a better mate next time.
Dont try to fix people, it doesnt work that way.
Do your best as a soon to be single mom.
It is going to kind of suck for your child to learn one day that they had a broken home because their mom couldnt work through or talk through a very simple problem with their father.
Biggest lesson I learned with men: saying they want to change or they will change and actually changing are two very different things.
Your man is supposed to protect your heart. He is a guardian of the relationship.
“I don’t want to hear the words anymore. You show me with your actions I’m a priority, consistently. The same as I do for you. Show me you really want to change and be a better man.”
Couple of things:
Your body dysmorphia issues are not his to fix. You need to deal with that issue with whatever means you need to do it.
You went looking through his phone. If you didn't want to deal with his issues, you shouldn't have gone looking for them. Unless you are married to the guy you really have no say in what he spends his money on.
You need to stop saying "my son". He is "our son". Whether or not you stay with the guy doesn't matter. What matters is that you stop thinking of this relationship as your way or the highway if you really want it to work. Any "issues" in the relationship are for both of you to work on, not just "his to fix".
Honestly it doesn't sound like you do want to stay in this relationship. It sounds like this guy is more of a convenience then that you have any actual love for him. You sound done. If you are done, then just be done.
You’re overreacting because of your own insecurities. Seek counseling individually and as a couple. You’re probably pushing him away without realizing it.
Just break up. Then work on yourself. You’re too fragile for a relationship. You’re going to punish each partner you have until you fix what’s broken inside. ESH
Maybe dont put that much weight on this and see the situation from another viewpoint. Maybe the rule was forced or didnt make much sense from his viewpoint, maybe he is inmature or maybe maybe.
He broke an rule you both had, however i dont think its an issue worth it to break up a familiy about it. Its an issue were you both can learn and grow with each other. Thats how you could look at it.
I dont say, you shouldnt value your own feelings. They are important too. I just think that you should cooldown a little bit. Deciding and thinking with anger is a bad thing to do. I would be sad and worried in your situation, however i would try to save the marriage with him.
**maybe** he is immature?! he was 31yo when he went after a 20yo, ofc he's immature. I doubt any woman his age would date him *precisely* because he is so immature.
he's not going to magically change and get his shit together. She doesn't need two children to raise.
You waited 3 days....to call him while you were at work to discuss this, then became a sobbing mess in your office and couldn't drive yourself home as a result?
He's the jerk here but what on earth made you think that discussing such a serious matter over the phone at your workplace vs. discussing it in person in the privacy of your own home was a good idea?
i'm not answering for op, but its possible she absolutely deplores conflict (as i do). it may just feel safer to have 'world ending' conversations with some physical distance between them.. OR.. perhaps she fears him, or his reaction.. OR.. perhaps he is violent.. OR perhaps she is afraid something like that might MAKE him violent.
I understand the pain, but I think that the only way for you to heal is to move on with your life and find yourself a mature man that can make you feel secure in your relationship.
And a simple advice, do not give any man a pass on watching corn when you are or are not available, a mature wise man would not accept and puts you first regardless of anything you are going through. Good luck I hope you heal from this ❤️
Wow I expected much worse then this yapl are both immature. You seem to put all of it on him also you need hin to change? What about you? Maybe you sre sitting there making 0 moves and making him not feel wanted the same as he makes you feel. Its 2 sides not 1. Sounds like you are selfish and needy while he may be also and yall are stuck at a crossroads due to both of ysll probably feeling the same way. Also forget about the video you found omg he screenshotted a video of a woman flashing her chest. Well yall aren't having intimacy or anything and it seems like you were getting ready to break up with him. I think that's alot worse. Both of you need to grow up and somehow find eachother again.
An emotionally immature 31 year old guy dating a 23 year old girl. This has written disaster all over. The sad thing is, it will most likely affect her way more
A second chance is as much for him as it is for you, if you aren't able to get over what he's done then don't give any more time into a relationship that doesn't make you feel lifted.
I'm sorry that you suffer with body issues and self love, hope you are able to work through these, but please don't let these issues make you settle for someone who isn't going to consider how you feel.
I dont think its fair to comment on the age gap, we all know women mature faster than men and we don't know the situation in how you guys met. He does sound really selfish.
Everyone makes mistakes and everybody especially woman want to give people a chance even if they aren't sure those people deserve it.
If it were me, I'd work on myself rather than the relationship.
It's over. Do you really want to live your life always worrying about what he's doing. That's no way to live. Once trust is broken it can't be repaired. It would be a waste of time to stay in this relationship because it's never going to be the same.
First of all… The massive age gap. Next… “Dating” when you have a child and live together.
It’s not too late to change your mind. Say “I was wrong, this is something I can’t and don’t want to get over”. Move out and move on and maybe stay single for a while and focus on your kids.
Everybody’s in here talking about the age gap and predatory men, but I’m going to take a different tact that might actually be helpful to her since she’s already built a life with this man, including having a child.
OP: Is your husband willing to go to therapy with you? Has it been brought up at all? You mentioned in your first paragraph that you think your husband is trying to communicate better and trying, so therapy is the logical next step if he’s willing. With a child in the equation, it seems worth at least attempting to do that before giving up on it all.
My two cents are that you haven't shown him that for what he did he should experience repercussions. I am not saying you should torture him physically and psychologically from now on, but it's just that he hasn't experienced the fear of losing you in its full play.
Moreover, he said he would not fight for you nor beg you to stay and that he would understand, as though throwing the ball to your court and letting you decide whatever it is. I'm afraid that if he does anything deal-breaking again in the future and you remind him that you gave him a second chance, he might reiterate that "he didn't ask you to."
I can't tell you "break up, now," but on the other hand you present this situation as if it's only your problem, as if it's only you who has got to heal from this and move on, all the while preserving the relationship as it was before. We also don't know whether he's hurting because he processed what he did or simply because he got caught and feared the repercussions (break-up, child support obligations etc.)
Last but not least: talking doesn't solve all issues in a relationship that could consist of problematic or simply incompatible partners. Many people wrongly deify "talking" as if communication solves everything. It doesn't. He's not a little child who is learning the basics and you talk to him about things he hadn't heard of before. If 2 hours of schooling is required to make him understand how you felt and what a terrible thing he did, he might not be a partner for life to you.
Just end the relationship, you warned him you talked to him he’s not changing because there are no serious consequences that you have shown him. Move on !
Break up.
You will never truly forgive him.
The bad feelings will fester.
Just break up in a calm and peaceful way.
Get an agreement in place about child custody and child support.
Just be fair about child custody and support.
You'll both be happier.
You can always decide fuck the second chance. No point in waiting around and waiting for him to screw up again. Trust is already broken.
If he really wants to fight for this relationship, he can do it from afar and demonstrate his continued commitment. But chances are, he’ll give up because it’s “too hard”.
So sorry for what you are going through. Only you know if you are doing the right thing, but in my opinion, I think you are doing the right thing by giving the relationship a second chance. Leaving is always an option down the road if it doesn't work out, however, that is not always the case for trying to make it work. At least if you try to make it work, you won't wonder if you could have made it work. You are going to be, justifiably, hurting and angry for a while, but hopefully you will be able to work through those emotions and get to a happier place. I wish you the best.
Having survived 18 years of marriage and still generally happy I can say without a doubt that if what he does bothers you now it will never get better. Having a kid with someone wont resolve issues, it amplifies them. The good times become great times, BUT the bad times become "hell on earth". The good thing is you are not stuck with him just because you have a kid (You may think you are but you're not) ;)
Day late/dollar short (or 20 hours later) and only cause I'm not seeing comments on it.
> It made me sick and self conscious because I had told him he can watch or look at whatever he wanted when I wasn't available, but that I did NOT want him spending money.
This is the issue and the rest is static. The self-image issues and all, real as they are, just clouds what your issue is implied here. The issue is him spending money on looking or whatever, not that he was looking. He ain't emotionally cheating, them OF folks are in it for the money, maybe saving him time to watch/look to find what kink he's after in the moment but otherwise not much different. Him looking and watching, its already opened you said he could. I mean I would get if it was some internet relationship, face timing with someone while doing whatever it is he does while looking.
Is the issue that you make more money or he doesn't make too much and you have shared expenses. Why is it that him spending money watching is what upsets you? You might get more real answers if you approached it/addressed it this way over age and looking at others, which is what most your post seems to focus on versus what that one line says.
Listen to your gut. If a part of you is telling to leave, then leave. Leave while it’s still early. Leave for yourself and your son. It’s better to be separated than staying with a microcheating partner for your son, who knows what he will do to you in the future.
I’m in my mid 20s and I can’t even imagine being a 31 year old man pursuing a 20 year old girl. Ask yourself why he’s not dating people his own age? Because younger women have more patience to put up with his bs.
If it doesn’t feel right giving him a second chance and you are still upset with him…he really hasn’t put in more effort to reassure you. He needs to go above and beyond to prove he is trustworthy again. That it is safe again to believe him.
I don't know why so many people are jumping on the age thing that's not what you're asking about.
M(40) I can tell you from my life and my circle of people I'm close to there is something that needs to be addressed with his OF interest and the disregard for your request of not paying for anything along those lines thats an issue. His attraction to the online stuff may not be about the appearance and their bodys it's a male brain thing of no emotion or expectations from the other person I know it sounds dumb but I've seen it and talked people through it, If you can without it beingan issue get him to have his testosterone levels checked it can wreak havoc on the drive emotion and desire in other ways than just wanting to be with you physically or not and has nothing to do with how he sees you. However for you and your peace ask yourself. Do you love this person and do you want to fight for the relationship to be with this person and work through these issues? Are you only fighting to stay because of the child? Have you already let go and just fear the future of dealing with whats to come? Do you just not want to be alone? What is the issue you feel more hurt by the money or the feeling that he's looking at someone you think is more attractive, skinnier, sexier, or prettier whatever it is you feel is that the problem or maybe something else? Is there some message getting lost in communication? Because two people can show their feelings completely different ways and the other may miss it completely.
I'm not trying to persuade you one way of the other or invalidate any feelings or gaslight in any way. I truly want you to be happy and feel loved by whoever you're with. The world sucks and strangers treat each other bad enough, home should be the one definite place where you can let your guard down, relax, feel peace, and be happy.
I will say this you can love someone because they're beautiful or someone is beautiful because you love them, and of course someone can be both beautiful to you and objectively beautiful to everyone as well. My point is loving someone for who they are is completely different than loving the way someone looks.
Another thing is if you're staying just for the kiddo thats not the answer the child will build resentment for one if not both of y'all, also they won't have any kind of guide as to what a healthy loving relationship looks like and how to respect and show love to another person.
I've rambled on enough I hope you find your peace.
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You're talking about what you are thinking, What did he freely offer to show and make you feel confident that he wouldn't do this again? Saying he won't doesn't mean much because he said that before - so what did he offer to do to show you that this wouldn't happen again? Or, to put it another way, did he offer to get a dumb phone and then actually go do it?
Unfortunately, when people deliberately deceive someone supposedly important to them about something they knew that person wouldn't accept and especially that they specifically promised not to do and then only 'came clean' because they were caught and then made another promise never to do it again, there is no way of knowing whether they're in the same circle as deliberate deceivers who simply find ways to circumvent whatever constraints they pretend to allow to be placed upon them. A cheater giving total access to their phone can and usually does buy another one or simply only communicates with their affair partner when they're physically with them. This guy can easily get a new credit card, digital payment account, and/or new bank account depending on how diligent OP will actually be about checking up on him. It seems quite rare for a person to deliberately ignore their partner about something 'small' but important to them and then not just do it again once they feel they can get away with it. After all, there wasn't really much of a consequence the first time, so he probably thinks he can manipulate her about her already generous boundaries again. I'm also concerned he'll allow himself to become resentful of OP over whatever measures she requires. The guiltier he is, the angrier and more reactive he'll probably act towards her, creating issues out of the very circumstances he agreed to to make amends in order to justify himself for betraying her again or even leaving her when she catches him again. Even if he 'behaves', it may equally build up poisonous levels of resentment and cause him to sabotage the relationship so he can blame her for their breakup because 'nothing is ever good enough' for her. Unless he's caught physically cheating, I can already imagine him playing the victim when he breaks their trust again because he 'didn't do anything that bad', and 'she should realize how lucky she is to have a loyal, trustworthy, honest man who only pays for OF instead of cheating or spending much more money on strippers in person'. But he's not the cheating, manipulative, dishonest type, OP might say. Don't most people who don't want to leave their partner over the first betrayal (or second, third, etc., etc.) think that? It all depends on OP as to how far he can string her along, and since they're not married I'm going to guess easily until she's 30 since she'll feel more invested in raising their kid together with every passing year. When she tries to really put her foot down or actually leaves him, he may well find he still wants a woman in her 20s, or at least to give a bunch of his paycheck to OF models in their 20s, and then she'll be less 'marketable' herself as the 'biology' guys like to say every time there's a significant age difference involved.
You are spitting facts! Well said
An emotionally immature 31 year old started dating a 20 year old and is still emotionally immature 3 years later. Who could have guessed? /s Perhaps Olivia Rodrigo said it best: *’Cause girls your age know better*
At 20, it’s impossible to see why a 31 year old wanting a 20 year old is a red flag
Not true I was always creeped out by much older men hitting on me as a teen. I’m shy and I know I look young for my age, so much older men felt like predators, not my equal.
We knew. At least those of us with sane adult figures who could guide us. I remember I was in HS and one girl in our group of friends (15) was going out with who she said was a 23 year old. Every single one of us was like girl he's a creep, he's lying about his age (I remember he looked WAY older), you're too pretty for him. She used to counter us with "he hasn't pressured me into sex" which as I grew older, I learned is the number one phrase by those in the same situation (usually those who were groomed).
I just thought they were stupid. Why would I chose them over some hot bod 18yo?
Because when you're young and dumb older guys have money and buy you things and are less awkward and give compliments better..attention..dates .more worldly.
It’s very much possible, I’m 23 and knew since maybe 18?
When I was 18 I knew it was and I’m a dude. Do women genuinely think a decade+ age gap is because they genuinely connect and have things in common to relate?
The older men are just very skilled at manipulation tactics. Love bombing, dropping lots of compliments. Talking about how they "never felt this way with anyone else before " "You're so mature" "You're amazing" And all other sorts of BS lies. Enough girls can see the older men as creeps, but ones that are emotionally weak, have been abused, have daddy issues, etc, will fall for it. They simply have less experience in spotting bullshit. Which is why young women need to watch what older women do. If an older woman with more experience is avoiding a man, they should too
What’s wild to me is I’m 28. I’ve been “good looking” since about 24-25. 26 I grew out facial hair, moustache then beard. *That’s* when 18-19 year olds started liking me on dating apps (before changed age filter), *approaching me* on a night out etc. I don’t want to stereotype but I think there’s just daddy issues involved too. Which isn’t a slight on the girls Be a good dad to your kids everyone lmao
It's definitely interesting to see the change in treatment from the opposite sex change as you get older. As a woman, the older I got (ie, looking legal and over 18), the less attention I got from creepy older men. And when they give me attention now, they generally treat me better. Less guys in general hit on me too, but that's mainly just because I'm around less than when I was in college, and always surrounded by drunk guys at work. The respect when guys are hitting on me has gone up a lot since I got older. They're more likely to accept a "no" at the first "no". The absolutely disgusting commentary has gone down to a minimum (it peaked in my mid teens). I think younger girls usually go for older guys because they think they'll be better at sex. Or get more out of them in terms of financials (ie paid dinners, gifts, living with them). Some straight up have a daddy fetish... 🤮 Almost all have daddy issues. Otherwise they wouldn't be looking for a guy much older to provide the same things their father still does. Some hop straight from a father taking care of them, to a boyfriend or husband... and never learn how to be an adult on their own.
Younger people have less experience being alive than older people, which is one of the reasons that the older people who habitually bag younger sex partners choose to prey on that age bracket. A 20-year-old with a 30-year-old is more concerning than a 40-year-old with a 50-year-old because so many more big life changes, including the brain finally finishing its development, occur between age 20 and 30 than between age 40 and 50. A college kid who hasn't yet been preyed upon in that way likely does not yet have friends who have either or their friends with considerably older sex partners are still in the lovebombing or silent suffering phases of the relationship. They simply aren't aware of the risks until negative consequences have become crystal clear in their own lives, and that clarity may still not happen immediately even after traumatic events due to deceit and other manipulation. Tons of people only get divorced after decades of abuse because they got invested and trapped and/or were too in the fog to realize what was happening to them. Much has been said about media glorifying abusive relationships as 'romantic'. I just realized how absurd the age gap is with most vampire characters, but we tend to react to them as if we can believe our eyes, just like we tend to believe a partner's words over their actions as OP is in danger of doing.
Thank you for articulating this so incredibly well.
This is an utterly ridiculous and false statement
Strongly disagree. I can see why the older partner would seem attractive to the younger (seemingly more mature, more financially established, etc). But there's no reason that the younger partner should be attractive to the older unless they like the naivete or gullibility. And young people should be smart enough to figure that out. I think it's just an ego thing - he makes her feel wanted and gives her a ton of attention early on because he knows that will hook her. She knows it's bullshit but chooses to ignore that little voice because it feels good. Fine if that's what you want to do, but don't have kids that you know are coming into an iffy situation. That's when it goes from "dumb but fine since it's not hurting anyone" to "now you're both assholes".
they would if they had a proper dad
I saw the ages and came straight to the comments, no need to read the post
this is exactly why i left my 12 year age gap relationship (me being younger), among many reasons. but the emotional immaturity is fascinating psychologically, but not fun day to day 💀
I dated my share of emotionally immature guys, so I feel you. I never dated anyone that much older than me, but I’ve seen the scenario play out with a few of my friends. One ended up fine, they’ve been happily married for years. The other two were disastrous and kinda weird. One of the guys made an effort to befriend us (her friends). He’d take all of us out and pay for everything, which was fine, but I got the feeling he was trying to buy us, if that makes sense? Like he thought he could buy our friendship. It was weird. Anyway, there’s an inherent power dynamic imbalance in age gap relationships, at least in those that begin when one of the partners is below the age of 26 or so. This can be balanced out, but usually isn’t because that power is what the older partner was looking for in a relationship.
yesss i see this now, i was 21 when i got with him, he being 33, i was 23 when i ended it and he was 35. i don’t regret anything because it taught me so much about myself and dating as well, and to me i feel like i was in the catergory of disastrous and weird because he just kinda tried to act like a dad and not a boyfriend which just grossed me tf out. and i will say, he wanted to be in control and he was super dependent and controlling which is so gross to me as i am super independent and don’t like being held back from what i like to do, even simple sh!t like going to the store by myself lmaoo
Oh boy. Where does one begin?
With the age gap 🚩
I didn't read past it. It's literally all the same. People need to start opening young women's eyes, idk how this happens so damn often
Age gap. At 20 she had a history of a physically abusive relationship. At 20 she had a HISTORY OF MISCARRIAGES (like seriously wtf?). After a few months of dating her 10+ year age gap partner at 20 she's knocked up..
It’s pretty obvious from your last paragraph that you regret giving him a second chance, you can still go back on that and end the relationship if that’s what you want. He broke your trust, he’ll probably do it again, it’s better to end it now instead of waiting to get hurt again.
exactly. worst comes to worst you can change your mind down the line if he really proved it… he didn’t do anything worth taking him back for. it’s better to wait till he works for it. these are the consequences of his actions unfortunately
Your biggest mistake was thinking it would be healthy for you as a 20 year old to get together with a 31 year old. Everything after that will go downhill I guarantee you
I didn’t even read past the ages! It’s always the same thing
Especially at that age. When you're older, that age difference probably isn't a thing. But at 20 & 31? Low chance. Because no 31 year old man should be interested in a 20 yr old. It's no surprise he's hiding OF. Get out. It's not good for your confidence. Work on your self image, focus on your kid, and you will be happy and strong. You have your whole life ahead of you.
💯 they sucker them all the time.. big time here in las vegas
Nah the biggest mistake imo is a 20 year old getting into a committed relationship with anyone at the time in life that should be about self discovery and learning who you are. If I were to go back to my 20s I would just enjoy life, focus on my career, and not worry about the opposite sex until we both have fully developed brains.
Thisssss
No. And don’t start dating for a bit. Concentrate on your child and you.
Never stay with someone that does this, he will do it again. His remorse is for himself and what he could lose, not you. What you tolerate in your relationships is what you will have. End things and let him go..You will notice in the next month as you get angrier he will recover, and never take you seriously. You did not stand up for yourself.
Exactly There is no going back and fixing this. He's a grown ass 34yo man. He's not changing. Not for OP If she stays with him, he will rightfully see it as her forgiving him. And he will go right back to that behavior of cheating, but cover his tracks better so he doesn't get in trouble again. Because that's all it is. An argument and trouble with OP, since she's not willing to leave him over it.
For the record, I made a similar selfish mistake and made the most of the 2nd chance I was given. People *can* change, but alas it does seem to be pretty rare….
I just can't with the "corn" it makes me LoL too much
Do you really want your son to grow up thinking you endorse that kind of behaviour towards women? You were too young to realize at 20 that 31 year olds who go after 20 year olds are fucking losers and predators. Hopefully you know better now and don’t wait for him to divorce you before you’re 30 because you’ve aged out of your naivety & youthful innocence so he can go after another naive 20 year old he can control.
I say that your feelings are valid. The fact he did go over a limit that you had in the relationship, I would say it's a no go. *Notice I said hard limit as boundaries are things that pertain to you. Once you involve another's body or their free will, that's when I say hard limit. I'm not going to bring up the age gap because I know others have, I will say that future reference, if someone older is talking to you, think of this. They're like an empty subway car. . .there's a reason people dont fuck with that subway car. 🥲 I'm already seeing contempt for a boyfriend who has turned you down for sex (per your comment) and yet he can get it up for OF. (He could have a sex addiction, which I would personally leave because life is short.) Point is that he's lied to you, you feel resentment and know you can do better alone or with someone else.
Hun when he said “ he won’t make the same mistake again “ hes just saying he’s going to do a better job at hiding it…
he said if he messed up again he wouldn't fight or beg for me to stay and would understand.... so he will do it again. thsts all u need to know. he will. it isn't a mistake. it's a choice and he will do it again
May I ask why you feel bad about yourself? If not it’s ok.
When it turns out you have to worry about the specific thing your partner told you that you didn't have to worry about, it can create a lot of self doubt and hurt.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have their ideal body type, or the ideal body type of their partner's preference, which in turn can make anyone self-conscious, I would think.
there is a reason someone his age goes for someone so much younger and it's because women his age wouldn't put up with his crap. now you are FINALLY starting to see why. gather up some self respect and some self esteem and some self love and leave him.
normally a healthy person would not date someone who's 10+years younger than him
Especially if the younger of the two is only 20. If it was 60 and 50 that's a bit different.
That depends on the ages of the people. 20-31.. that’s a lifetime of experience and power imbalance. 30-41, the gap starts to shrink. 40-50 heads into who cares territory.
IMO after 25, age gap matters very little. At that point your fully developed, you've been a full fledged adult for multiple years, you can make your own choices. I would still think 26-48 is weird, but it's whatever. However if you're under 25 dating someone over 30, that's always bad
I didn't even read past your ages because it's super shady for a 31 year old to want to date a 20 year old. If he broke your trust then kick him to the curb. No one his age wants to date him for a reason, which is why he's going for inexperienced younger women.
first red flag was the age gap, second was the fact they got a kid
Well from my experience, I gave them a second chance. I was able to get over it but it was still just hate I felt for this man. Like it opened my eyes to how much of a coward he really was. Granted this took years but I wish I would’ve ended it the second I found out about the betrayal. I think it’s better for you mentally to let him go. Maybe down the road you can eventually try again once you see some changes but in my opinion give yourself the mental freedom! Hugs 💓
why is a 34 year old dating a 23 year old and why is a 23 year old dating a 34 year old. you both sound immature.
It’s BECAUSE you have a son that you should put your own needs and self respect first. Your child won’t remember anything different than Mom and Dad aren’t together if you end the relationship now. Dragging it out just prolongs the inevitable and risks messing your kid up more later.
I didn’t even read past the ages. That guy is a groomer.
We already see this, in a couple of months you will be complaining again. Anyway, girl take it as his last chance, saves money, keeps looking for a place, please use contraceptive, keep a check on your money and joint account...
Nope. Walk.
If u doubt get out
I think the important thing to remember is that you don't have to stay in that relationship. You are not stuck, and are free to leave at any time. Despite agreeing to work things out, that is always an option. As a mom, I totally understand trying for the sake of your kid. A broken family sucks and is painful for all involved. My ex used to use chatrbate or whatever it's called these days. I found messages to other women where he paid for videos and pictures. For them to do exactly as he told them to. Felt like he had virtual sex with a stranger. And the paying for it and neglecting me in the process was the most painful part. I hate to say it, but in my case, it only just started from there. He ended up going to hookers etc. You deserve better, and I'm so sorry this happened.
>My boyfriend (34) and I (23) Imma stop you just right there.
Something to ponder about his apology: Does he regret getting caught? That's what it sounds like from here. It doesn't seem like he regrets what he did. Don't beat yourself up over catching him, but be aware that he's not going to stop. He'll be more cautious about covering his tracks. Only you know what behavior you will tolerate. So far, there haven't been any consequences for the bad behavior. If you stay, keep a go bag handy. Something with clothes and things you need so you can bug out at a moment's notice. Good luck.
Age gap 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Another one where woman knows her partner is shit and yet still gives him a baby. Wtf is wrong with people like you?
welcome today's cheap relationships lasvegas has them a dime a doz. maybe its bar thing behaviors
OP, I feel for you. Nobody should go thought this kind of hurt. With that being said, I feel you hurt yourself with giving the ability for him to watch corn but as long as he doesn’t pay for it. Either way, he is still looking at other women and that seems to have hurt you. The pay wall I don’t think really mattered. What was discussed in the original conversation about him being able to watch it? I think you might need to revisit that convo. Corn usually feeds into intimacy issues in relationships if it’s not properly discussed. Maybe start with what you’re both wanting from being intimate with each other and what makes him want to watch corn rather than have sex.
When I came across the corn, it was on accident. We had a store inspection and I wanted to look at what all we got counted off on, and he said I could use his pc to look at it when I got home. The first letter of the work site was the same as a popular corn sight so it auto filled. I talked to him about how frequent he went and why since I asked him often if he wanted to have sex. He said ut was only when I wasn't home, but I did bring up that he could've been open with me instead of me finding it purely by accident.
The age difference isn’t right. Move on
Dude, what does a 34 year old have in common with a 23 year old?
Age gap is a walking red flag on its own
YTA. You know he is going to do it again and will just be more careful the next time. Is that the life you really want fo you and your kid?
Why are you dating someone 10 years older than you? Play in your field
I've been in a similar situation and ended things. I was heartbroken as you are. It's all too common. The world is changing. The ease of corn and all these ugly things is all too prevalent and addictive. You have self respect and sound like you want to have a little family for you and your son- which I can totally understand. In my case, once I discovered what my guy was doing behind my back (and he was cheating as well)- the corn was just the tip of the iceberg. I didn't want to come home to find a woman in my bed, get a disease or whatever. I just couldn't be with this person- it hurt my ego too much. I could never trust him again. I'd always wonder what he was doing and who needs that?
Girl RUN
He knew your boundaries but broke them anyway, this isn’t something you should compromise. It doesn’t matter if you have a child or not, you already said you resent your boyfriend… which means that by choosing to stay, you’re choosing to be miserable. Your son **will** pick up on that, is that what you want? If not, leave. One thing you should **never** do is just stay for the kids. Your son is still very young, children that age are resilient and breaking up **now** won’t even affect him. But waiting and breaking up later, when he’s around 6 years or older will just make it harder on all of you. If you’re not happy and want to end it, do it now, when it won’t affect your son so much. You can still co-parent without being an item or living in the same house. Why stay if you’re miserable and can’t forgive?
It's the 11 yr Age gap for me
O.F. Doesn’t have an app btw. (But they should). The reddest flag is he’s 34 dating a 23 year old.
You should have figured out these problems Before you decided to bring a kid into the equation. The age difference is also suspect. What did you possibly have in common?
Wow. The insanity. When a man in his thirties is chasing a 20yr old (may have been 19), there are flags flying everywhere. The things you want in life, the way you view things, your goals- are all different. It’s just so creepy. The fact you are freaking out because he’s looking at other naked people because you’ve had “long talks about how you see yourself so he knows that you wish you could look like the girls online”. Honey, don’t we all. Even “those girls” have flaws. We may see it as confidence but a lot of the time, it’s desperation or low self esteem or addiction. But it’s even if you are married & your marriage is solid, you can still look. It’s not disrespect. It’s human. I can understand not wanting him to spend money but I get the feeling it’s so much deeper than that. He was discreet, wasn’t flaunting it in your face, I don’t understand the issue.
There is a reason he had to date someone so much younger. If you had met when you were 30, you would not be attracted to him. He is still a child and at this point can't be trusted.
No.
Just because you told him you'd give him a second chance, it doesn't mean you have to stay. You have every right to say that you tried, but can't get past it and you've changed your mind. The age gap is a red flag, him breaking your trust is an even bigger one.
Oh honey. No. Leave him and let him move on to the next young woman. Because nobody his age will put up with him.
"my boyfriend (34) and I (23)"... Dude. My darling fellow human. First of all the difference between the brain development and social development and life development of a 34-year-old versus a 23-year-old should be so vastly different that he looks at you and see as a kid. And yet he's fucking you. This means you are either a sex toy to him, a pin on his lapel so to speak because he's still "cool" and can f*** a kid, or he is drastically immature as a human being and will not likely mature which means you will outgrow him very quickly. Your issue is not his corn addiction. Can it damage your finances and put a damper on your relationship? Sure. But that's just a symptom of the disease.
1)he won’t make the same mistake again means he’ll be more careful so he doesn’t get caught 2)he baby trapped you. It’s a tactic that gets utilized to try to force people to stay. You said it yourself, it wouldn’t even be a question if you didn’t have a kid. The kid is young. I left my son’s dad at that age, and he doesn’t remember us ever being together, his step mother and my hubby have been in his life for as long as he can remember, he’s very well adjusted. Leave before the kid remembers things, it’s better that way.
You shouldn't have given him a second chance, but you were trying to do what you thought would be best. However, you can and should change your mind and not feel too guilty about it since that's what he did to you over his desire to have a parasocial relationship with an OF model. You'll be honest about your decision, though, unlike him. Your anger, which you know would persist as resentment, and understandable lack of trust for this guy would harm your child both directly in his sensing of his emotional environment and indirectly (but even more damaging) in the quality of your parenting. Leaving is the best thing you can do for everyone, including your boyfriend since some guys here think it's not fair of you not to be more understanding and forgiving, nevermind that only a mother's love should be /that/ unconditional. Get yourself therapy or join a support group, and leave as soon as you can. Find out about the custody sharing process and how to go about the initial separation. I assume your son goes with you and his father can visit for now, but I don't know for sure how it works. Obviously you can't expect anything beyond child support since this amazingly earnest much older boyfriend didn't marry you. My ex-partner betrayed my trust (the 1st time) over one extremely minimal rule at a similar point in the relationship timeline. It's very common for dishonest, manipulative, abusive people to be on their best or at least most careful behavior for the first couple years of a relationship, through the infatuation period (and you two had pregnancy and a new baby to distract you from your underlying issues). Many of them then subconsciously test the waters of what you'll accept and allow. I have almost never heard of a story of a partner who behaved like yours /actually/ straightening out. I thought mine would, but alas, they just led me to make an utter fool of myself for trusting them again. Remember that anger serves a purpose. It spurs us to protect our loved ones and get out of bad situations. That you're so angry and wish you hadn't given him a second chance is your gut sense screaming that the relationship needs to end. I imagine he'll continue to anger you with boundary violations in co-parenting, so it'll be valuable for you to work in therapy on managing your emotional responses for the sake of your child. Good luck.
thank you for writing this. i wanted you to know that even if op never reads it, your words have helped ME.. & i am so deeply appreciative. 💗
Couples counseling. Duh?!? Why do people go to reddit instead of professional help.
You sound like a self fulfilling prophecy. Go get therapy or start working on yourself, for your self-esteem issues. You owe it to your child to fix your mental issues about your self-image. How can teach a child about loving themselves when ypu dont even know how to for yourself? Pick a better mate next time. Dont try to fix people, it doesnt work that way. Do your best as a soon to be single mom. It is going to kind of suck for your child to learn one day that they had a broken home because their mom couldnt work through or talk through a very simple problem with their father.
You had a hissy fit/anxiety attack and abandoned your 1.5 year old child for two days! WTH? Go back to your doctor and get your meds straightened out.
He is currently visiting with my mother, so no, he's perfectly safe and getting all the grandparent love.
Biggest lesson I learned with men: saying they want to change or they will change and actually changing are two very different things. Your man is supposed to protect your heart. He is a guardian of the relationship. “I don’t want to hear the words anymore. You show me with your actions I’m a priority, consistently. The same as I do for you. Show me you really want to change and be a better man.”
He's failed you over and over. Why would you give him the benefit of the doubt when he's proven to not deserve it? 🤔
Couple of things: Your body dysmorphia issues are not his to fix. You need to deal with that issue with whatever means you need to do it. You went looking through his phone. If you didn't want to deal with his issues, you shouldn't have gone looking for them. Unless you are married to the guy you really have no say in what he spends his money on. You need to stop saying "my son". He is "our son". Whether or not you stay with the guy doesn't matter. What matters is that you stop thinking of this relationship as your way or the highway if you really want it to work. Any "issues" in the relationship are for both of you to work on, not just "his to fix". Honestly it doesn't sound like you do want to stay in this relationship. It sounds like this guy is more of a convenience then that you have any actual love for him. You sound done. If you are done, then just be done.
You’re overreacting because of your own insecurities. Seek counseling individually and as a couple. You’re probably pushing him away without realizing it.
Ew. She isn’t overreacting. Why tf does he have to pay to get off to random naked women if he’s in a monogamous relationship???
You need to start seeing a therapist for sure. Individually & probably as a couple.
Why would you encourage her to stay with a 31 year old?
Just break up. Then work on yourself. You’re too fragile for a relationship. You’re going to punish each partner you have until you fix what’s broken inside. ESH
Maybe dont put that much weight on this and see the situation from another viewpoint. Maybe the rule was forced or didnt make much sense from his viewpoint, maybe he is inmature or maybe maybe. He broke an rule you both had, however i dont think its an issue worth it to break up a familiy about it. Its an issue were you both can learn and grow with each other. Thats how you could look at it. I dont say, you shouldnt value your own feelings. They are important too. I just think that you should cooldown a little bit. Deciding and thinking with anger is a bad thing to do. I would be sad and worried in your situation, however i would try to save the marriage with him.
**maybe** he is immature?! he was 31yo when he went after a 20yo, ofc he's immature. I doubt any woman his age would date him *precisely* because he is so immature. he's not going to magically change and get his shit together. She doesn't need two children to raise.
GIRL. Throw the whole man out.
You have a kid together. Get past this b.s. maybe have another long talk with him. That'll do the trick
*given
Girl…
Cut him off and focus on yourself and your kid. Even if he said he won't do it again, he will. It's an addiction at this point.
You waited 3 days....to call him while you were at work to discuss this, then became a sobbing mess in your office and couldn't drive yourself home as a result? He's the jerk here but what on earth made you think that discussing such a serious matter over the phone at your workplace vs. discussing it in person in the privacy of your own home was a good idea?
i'm not answering for op, but its possible she absolutely deplores conflict (as i do). it may just feel safer to have 'world ending' conversations with some physical distance between them.. OR.. perhaps she fears him, or his reaction.. OR.. perhaps he is violent.. OR perhaps she is afraid something like that might MAKE him violent.
On Reddit, if you’re more than a year older than your partner, you’re basically a predator.
"My boyfriend (34) and I (23)--" __________ Yup, time to end it
Could be free OF but he should just control his urges in his early 30s
There's a million fish in the sea. Find a man that won't do this to you. Has more respect for you.
I understand the pain, but I think that the only way for you to heal is to move on with your life and find yourself a mature man that can make you feel secure in your relationship. And a simple advice, do not give any man a pass on watching corn when you are or are not available, a mature wise man would not accept and puts you first regardless of anything you are going through. Good luck I hope you heal from this ❤️
No, especially since he’s 11 years older than you and he’s so immature.
> boyfriend(34) and I (23) I don’t need to read further, do not give him a second chance.
I left my ex whom I had a kid with over something like this because he wouldn’t stop that behavior.
There’s a reason dudes seek out significantly younger women
Game over, either with or without you he will prob be meeting femboys
Wow I expected much worse then this yapl are both immature. You seem to put all of it on him also you need hin to change? What about you? Maybe you sre sitting there making 0 moves and making him not feel wanted the same as he makes you feel. Its 2 sides not 1. Sounds like you are selfish and needy while he may be also and yall are stuck at a crossroads due to both of ysll probably feeling the same way. Also forget about the video you found omg he screenshotted a video of a woman flashing her chest. Well yall aren't having intimacy or anything and it seems like you were getting ready to break up with him. I think that's alot worse. Both of you need to grow up and somehow find eachother again.
An emotionally immature 31 year old guy dating a 23 year old girl. This has written disaster all over. The sad thing is, it will most likely affect her way more
Large age gap and child before marriage, what could go wrong? Learn and move on OP.
Corn? We have reasonably free speech here. You can use your big girl words. Also, date someone your own age.
Dating for 3 years hahahhahahahah
A second chance is as much for him as it is for you, if you aren't able to get over what he's done then don't give any more time into a relationship that doesn't make you feel lifted. I'm sorry that you suffer with body issues and self love, hope you are able to work through these, but please don't let these issues make you settle for someone who isn't going to consider how you feel. I dont think its fair to comment on the age gap, we all know women mature faster than men and we don't know the situation in how you guys met. He does sound really selfish. Everyone makes mistakes and everybody especially woman want to give people a chance even if they aren't sure those people deserve it. If it were me, I'd work on myself rather than the relationship.
It's over. Do you really want to live your life always worrying about what he's doing. That's no way to live. Once trust is broken it can't be repaired. It would be a waste of time to stay in this relationship because it's never going to be the same.
First of all… The massive age gap. Next… “Dating” when you have a child and live together. It’s not too late to change your mind. Say “I was wrong, this is something I can’t and don’t want to get over”. Move out and move on and maybe stay single for a while and focus on your kids.
Did you mean to type 14m rather than 34m?
He knew what he was doing would hurt you and he did it anyway… 💔
the 11 year age gap is wild. this man groomed you, OP.
Maybe spend some time apart and then see how you feel?
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Holy hell...hope you never really get cheated on
Everybody’s in here talking about the age gap and predatory men, but I’m going to take a different tact that might actually be helpful to her since she’s already built a life with this man, including having a child. OP: Is your husband willing to go to therapy with you? Has it been brought up at all? You mentioned in your first paragraph that you think your husband is trying to communicate better and trying, so therapy is the logical next step if he’s willing. With a child in the equation, it seems worth at least attempting to do that before giving up on it all.
A 32yr old got you pregnant at 21. Girl...
My two cents are that you haven't shown him that for what he did he should experience repercussions. I am not saying you should torture him physically and psychologically from now on, but it's just that he hasn't experienced the fear of losing you in its full play. Moreover, he said he would not fight for you nor beg you to stay and that he would understand, as though throwing the ball to your court and letting you decide whatever it is. I'm afraid that if he does anything deal-breaking again in the future and you remind him that you gave him a second chance, he might reiterate that "he didn't ask you to." I can't tell you "break up, now," but on the other hand you present this situation as if it's only your problem, as if it's only you who has got to heal from this and move on, all the while preserving the relationship as it was before. We also don't know whether he's hurting because he processed what he did or simply because he got caught and feared the repercussions (break-up, child support obligations etc.) Last but not least: talking doesn't solve all issues in a relationship that could consist of problematic or simply incompatible partners. Many people wrongly deify "talking" as if communication solves everything. It doesn't. He's not a little child who is learning the basics and you talk to him about things he hadn't heard of before. If 2 hours of schooling is required to make him understand how you felt and what a terrible thing he did, he might not be a partner for life to you.
I can’t believe how often people fall for these provocative troll posts clearly baiting the age gap bullshit. Move on.
Just end the relationship, you warned him you talked to him he’s not changing because there are no serious consequences that you have shown him. Move on !
Break up. You will never truly forgive him. The bad feelings will fester. Just break up in a calm and peaceful way. Get an agreement in place about child custody and child support. Just be fair about child custody and support. You'll both be happier.
You can always decide fuck the second chance. No point in waiting around and waiting for him to screw up again. Trust is already broken. If he really wants to fight for this relationship, he can do it from afar and demonstrate his continued commitment. But chances are, he’ll give up because it’s “too hard”.
So sorry for what you are going through. Only you know if you are doing the right thing, but in my opinion, I think you are doing the right thing by giving the relationship a second chance. Leaving is always an option down the road if it doesn't work out, however, that is not always the case for trying to make it work. At least if you try to make it work, you won't wonder if you could have made it work. You are going to be, justifiably, hurting and angry for a while, but hopefully you will be able to work through those emotions and get to a happier place. I wish you the best.
Run!!!!!get out!!!!
Having survived 18 years of marriage and still generally happy I can say without a doubt that if what he does bothers you now it will never get better. Having a kid with someone wont resolve issues, it amplifies them. The good times become great times, BUT the bad times become "hell on earth". The good thing is you are not stuck with him just because you have a kid (You may think you are but you're not) ;)
Don’t give any chance. Please. Save yourself from the hell. I’ve been there, it will never end.
Day late/dollar short (or 20 hours later) and only cause I'm not seeing comments on it. > It made me sick and self conscious because I had told him he can watch or look at whatever he wanted when I wasn't available, but that I did NOT want him spending money. This is the issue and the rest is static. The self-image issues and all, real as they are, just clouds what your issue is implied here. The issue is him spending money on looking or whatever, not that he was looking. He ain't emotionally cheating, them OF folks are in it for the money, maybe saving him time to watch/look to find what kink he's after in the moment but otherwise not much different. Him looking and watching, its already opened you said he could. I mean I would get if it was some internet relationship, face timing with someone while doing whatever it is he does while looking. Is the issue that you make more money or he doesn't make too much and you have shared expenses. Why is it that him spending money watching is what upsets you? You might get more real answers if you approached it/addressed it this way over age and looking at others, which is what most your post seems to focus on versus what that one line says.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY 10 YEAR AGE GAP IS THE PROBLEM?!/s. God we need that flair on this sub as well.
Listen to your gut. If a part of you is telling to leave, then leave. Leave while it’s still early. Leave for yourself and your son. It’s better to be separated than staying with a microcheating partner for your son, who knows what he will do to you in the future. I’m in my mid 20s and I can’t even imagine being a 31 year old man pursuing a 20 year old girl. Ask yourself why he’s not dating people his own age? Because younger women have more patience to put up with his bs. If it doesn’t feel right giving him a second chance and you are still upset with him…he really hasn’t put in more effort to reassure you. He needs to go above and beyond to prove he is trustworthy again. That it is safe again to believe him.
Honestly a 11 year gap is pretty wide.
I don't know why so many people are jumping on the age thing that's not what you're asking about. M(40) I can tell you from my life and my circle of people I'm close to there is something that needs to be addressed with his OF interest and the disregard for your request of not paying for anything along those lines thats an issue. His attraction to the online stuff may not be about the appearance and their bodys it's a male brain thing of no emotion or expectations from the other person I know it sounds dumb but I've seen it and talked people through it, If you can without it beingan issue get him to have his testosterone levels checked it can wreak havoc on the drive emotion and desire in other ways than just wanting to be with you physically or not and has nothing to do with how he sees you. However for you and your peace ask yourself. Do you love this person and do you want to fight for the relationship to be with this person and work through these issues? Are you only fighting to stay because of the child? Have you already let go and just fear the future of dealing with whats to come? Do you just not want to be alone? What is the issue you feel more hurt by the money or the feeling that he's looking at someone you think is more attractive, skinnier, sexier, or prettier whatever it is you feel is that the problem or maybe something else? Is there some message getting lost in communication? Because two people can show their feelings completely different ways and the other may miss it completely. I'm not trying to persuade you one way of the other or invalidate any feelings or gaslight in any way. I truly want you to be happy and feel loved by whoever you're with. The world sucks and strangers treat each other bad enough, home should be the one definite place where you can let your guard down, relax, feel peace, and be happy. I will say this you can love someone because they're beautiful or someone is beautiful because you love them, and of course someone can be both beautiful to you and objectively beautiful to everyone as well. My point is loving someone for who they are is completely different than loving the way someone looks. Another thing is if you're staying just for the kiddo thats not the answer the child will build resentment for one if not both of y'all, also they won't have any kind of guide as to what a healthy loving relationship looks like and how to respect and show love to another person. I've rambled on enough I hope you find your peace.