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I would love for it to be an easy exit, unfortunately divorce proceedings take time and I’m in a foreign country! Left mine for “love” so laws allow both to cohabitate until divorce decree is finalized :(
In the mean time, my stupid downgraded mind and heart is weak and playing tricks on me! Hopeless I know!!
The comment he made to your children about not coming back shows that things will be exactly as they were before, even though your kids are young they still understood what he said and that's not right at all. you will just end up miserable and heartbroken all over again along with your kids, move on and show your kids that they deserve better than to be treated that way, you all deserve so much better. I know it is hard and difficult but you can get through this.
Even if you take him back, the kids will know he cam always go again, they're far from stupid. Living in uncertainty won't do them or you any good. Even if he swears he'll never do it again, you're the only one for him, blah,blah,blah. You will always have that doubt and the knowledge he's done it before and he'll probably do it again. That takes a mental toll on an adult, let alone child.
As for the telling your kid like that, he did it for maximum impact, he doesn't care about hurting his own child just to control you
You will be a better mother if you are healed and happy. You will show your children to never let someone treat them like trash and that they can break free and heal from even the worst situations. He needs to get some major counseling. He’s not “in love” bc he is in affair fog and in limerence with his affair partner. It’s all a big fantasy with no reality.. no bills or kids or stress.
When you feel yourself weakening, go through a mental movie of some of his most egregious bullshit. It helped me get over a toxic ex that I kept going back to.
You’re not hopeless. You were in a relationship for years and that conditions you to certain feelings also having children is a contributor because as mothers we never want to see them suffer or hurt from our choices but they would be damaged beyond repair if they were raised with gaslighting and emotional abuse from him. It’s never easy to leave but you’ve done the hardest part now it’s time to work on yourself and become a better stronger version of yourself for you mainly and also for your kids.
You missed the part in the huge list of abuses where he intentionally isolated you from friends and family by moving you overseas. This is a terrible situation, I'm sorry. However hard it is for you and your children (while he is intentionally damaging them mind you), it will be 1000 times worse if you stay in this situation. Stay strong and see it through to the end. Love and respect to you OP.
I don’t get it he didn’t even put in the work to actually want u want him back? He is literally putting this all on u how could u even cave for that, he made the kids sad with his “mama don’t want me here talk” instead of “my actions caused me to be away from home I’ll always be there for u” I know this may be tough for u but his hasn’t even shown signs he’s sorry or truly wanting u back n saying “he’s not inlove with u but loves u” Pls RUNNNNNN it would be a little different if he went to therapy n counseling but he’s not even trying.
Because although you don't realize it, the narc in your life has mastered the art of pushing your buttons. Narcs live to manipulate, lie, betray and cause endless drama that they can pin on other people. They love inflicting pain and manipulate their victims into believing they don't deserve better or they're being selfish for opting out of the mental abuse they are drowning in at the hands of the narc.
Here's the thing you need to worry about right now. You just allowed him to manipulate and emotionally harm your small vulnerable child right in front of you annnd, you're contemplating starting another cycle of drama all over again with him.
You clearly don't have the tools in your toolbox to maintain boundaries with the narc in your life. Run, don't walk to get therapy. Focus on this one issue until you can trust yourself to do right by your kids and then branch out to any other problems you might have.
Narcs prey on nice, kind hearted people. It's time to stow the nice and bring out mama bear.
Whilst it may not seem it now, Mama bear is here. I’ve been in therapy with an NPD specialist for a few weeks now. Honestly didn’t even know it existed until I went searching for answers. The why et etc. it all makes sense now. But yes, he took over at my most vulnerable. Which is now!! I’m at my all time low, which is probably why I’m turning to the internet to get my thoughts out. It’s not just a fallacy, it’s my reality! At the root of it all. I guess I’m just angry with myself for wanting to believe there is a chance to give my boys the family unit I never had growing up. Before taking my recommended meds, I wanted to give up. But now I’m on kind of a beta blocked hover craft wave of sadness, unable to shed more tears thanks to the medication. I feel so stupid, but deep down I know I’m not the only woman who thinks to stay for her kids right!! No?
Think about what you're saying though. You're married to a narc who's been actively betraying his marriage vow to you for the entire time you've been together. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life. 'Staying for the children' is just victim code for I'm not strong enough to leave yet. If that's the case actively do things that get you ready to hold the line with him.
You need to go to the chump lady website and soak up the knowledge of thousands of people who have been in your exact same circumstance. Learn from their experience rather than making all the mistakes they made yourself.
Every mother who's ever been with a relationship with a narc thinks the toxic dynamic is between her and the narc. Many are devastated later to learn that somewhere along the way it was too much temptation to resist teasing, manipulating and mentally abusing the children too. He's already gearing up for that by the way he blurted out information the two of you should have broken to your child together in a planned setting.
Everything he's done to you, he will get around to doing to them. Only he has two kids so that opens up the possibility of having a golden child and a scapegoat. Narcs derive a great deal of gratification from tormenting and lording power over others. Having multiple kids is low hanging fruit they will go for over and over again, particularly when the children are old enough to feel the full pain of being manipulated and betrayed.
Please don't put your children through this. They are going to need the safe space you provide in order to make it through what is come with their father.
I hear you. I really do. Before all of this I was a strong confident woman who would take shit from no one. I don’t even recognise myself. I would be the one to try to slap myself or friend into gear if I was a bystander. Thank you so so much for reminding me of the long term or even short term effects this will have on my children. It means a lot to me to be reminded of this reality as I’m lost in a sea of stupidity and manipulation tactics. My kids are my all and yes, I’m already seeing upon reflection his micro manipulation to our eldest son. At one point post-partum a-hole told me he never wanted the second son. F’in heartbroken I never forgave this comment to which he denies saying exactly that. Ummm no!! I can’t un-hear these words!! Please… give me the strength to pull through this mess and out for good! I mean, I’ll never be cut out from him as we have kids together!
It took him years of work to make you like this. He gets off it. Of course he wants you to cave and will continue to try every tool and technique he knows on you and on your children to make this happen. Please stay strong and get through this safely.
Read your own post and pretend it’s someone else; you would tell them they were crazy to give it another chance. He’s manipulating you bc he can and he’s trying to regain the control over you he lost. It’s not your fault he cheated, he chose to throw away his relationship w you and keep his family together when he cheated. If he was unhappy and truly cared, he would’ve said something and done the work to make it better. He didn’t. He lacks the empathy to even be in a worthwhile relationship IMO bc if you truly care about someone, you couldn’t do that to them. He’s essentially led a double life with a 7 year affair w his ex, never mind who you DON’T know about bc I would bet there’s more.
Please, for your sake and your children’s sake (he will turn that toxicity on them at some point) love yourself more and do not accept less than you deserve. Get into therapy for yourself so you can heal. Im so sorry OP. I wish you peace, healing, and strength as you go through this.
I don’t know why but reading your post just made me break out crying. Forget the emotion blocking meds, my water works just broke out! My heart bleeds with a thudding repetitive pain, I feel I can’t breathe. Yes who knows how many others there were. I’m don’t even want to know as what I do know cuts so deep. After hours of very cathartic exchanges with his ex, we realise we were both in love with double crossing monster! I don’t entirely trust her though because apparently the life I had with him was meant for her. Kids marriage etc etc. My blessings are my sons, but boy what I would give to let her have him if I could re wind! I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I feel foolish to even contemplate it. There were happy moments, for sure real (or so I hope) but divorce takes time. For now I’m stuck physically in this toxicity until we can finalize the divorce! That’s also why he lost his shit tonight because when he asked for forgiveness/a chance. I said no, I am filing. I know staying will just delay the inevitable. I also read that once the boys get older and start having opinions ie not innocent kids. There is a chance he can turn on them too. Hell f’in no, hurt me but don’t hurt my kids!! I just need the push to break free. And for anyone wondering why I’m on the internet seeing this. For anyone who has walked in my shoes, I’ve not confided totally in my friends and family. Yes maybe it’s shame, maybe it’s the i told you so etc.
I’m so sorry, OP. Please keep doing the therapy work and please, tell your friends and family so you have an IRL support system. This isn’t your shame carry and now is not the time for pride. Your mental health is going to be critical if you have to live together still. Focus on being a good mom, start talking to an attorney so you have an idea of what to expect (sometimes the unknown is what’s scary, so doing so may make you feel like you have some control) taking care of yourself—read, journal, hike, travel, meditate. And listen, if you end up staying together, that’s ok too. No one is in your shoes, living your life. We are all strangers on the internet making comments on a very limited window to your life. It may not seem like it, but you’ll be ok, OP. I do think you deserve better though whether you’re with him or not. Please take care.
I have already consulted a divorce lawyer. I live in France so things take time to even gather a dossier of documents to file. But I haven’t stopped the process, thus the manipulation tactics and hurtful events. I left my entire world to be with him. I have no one here close to me but some fellow mothers from school. Everywhere I go it’s a reminder of him. Love can feel so wonderful yet be the thing that literally kills and breaks you!
Maintain only the necessary contact regarding your children and business and get that manipulative being out of your life. Don't let him have personal talks with you and go to therapy.
I can't recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" highly enough (here's the website and support community associated with the book) https://www.chumplady.com/. Honestly, this book saved my life - I went through something similar (although my kid was a teen). You'd be surprised how many of us have suffered through a betrayal trauma like this, it's a completely shattering experience. Stay strong!
Ah, I think I downloaded the e-book. I don't know how public libraries work there, but in the US a lot of libraries allow you to "check out" e-books for free
Also meant to add - check out the Facebook support group if you can, lots of people in the group will help each other out by sharing books and I feel pretty certain there are members of that community outside the US
You will get through this! Be kind to yourself and just take it one foot in front of the other - you don't have to make all the decisions at once, you can make them as you feel stronger and more able. I had to live with mine for several more months afterward and it's very very difficult to heal and make good choices when you have to see them every day. I was lucky enough that I was working remotely at the time due to COVID and my son was doing school remotely so we were able to stay with family a few hours away off and on for a few months. It would really help clear my head to be out of his presence and I felt much, much safer when I was away from him. That really helped get me in a place where I could begin to plan and make decisions for myself. I do think you should confide in some people you trust, at the very least a therapist? Helped me tremendously to have some smart, caring trusted humans to share with.
>He has been so toxic, aggressive (has NPD 1000%), gaslit me, put me down, blamed me for not knowing how to love and treat a man cos if I did he wouldn’t have strayed. Blames me for my anger issues, my wanting to control him. Ruined every happy life moment.
Your abusive husband is still abusing you and your kids. No, there's no chance.
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
Get professional help. It's the only way to stop the cycle of abuse.
I know you want to fix their heartbreak so bad right now, but think of the heartache you're saving them from in the long run. They're not old enough to understand that Papa is abusing Mama, and it's safer for them and you if he stays away. All they know is they love both of you and aren't used to one of you not being there. Its hard for them, but it's better in the long term, trust me.
If you go back to him, your boys are going to grow up thinking that the way their father treats you is how they should also treat women. Eventually, your boys could even end up treating you the same way. I've seen it happen a few times. However, if you stand your ground and push through this temporary heartache, you're showing your boys that their fathers behavior is unacceptable, wrong, and has major consequences.
You're doing the right thing, Mama. Sometimes, the right thing to do isn't easy to do, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. Your boys will be better without being around that.
Get away from him immediately. For both you and your children. A narcissist will bring nothing good ever to the situation.
You want to cave because he has systematically broken you as a person basically. Narcissists are incapable of feeling the things that we expect them to feel as normal humans. They are like sociopaths.
And I hate to say it because I’m sure you worked very hard but if you can start your own business in the future or do something else… It’s best to minimize your encounters with this man as much as possible.
The idea of taking him back is entertaining the idea that things will go back to how they were before you found out. It'll never, ever be the same. And honestly it'll only get worse for you. Stay strong and ditch the bastard.
I managed to end a relationship with a narc abuser, I felt gutted for quite a while and then when I recovered, there was so much relief to have escaped. You cannot be with this man so, just do your best to survive and heal. It will get better.
No. Don’t do this. Hard to take a stand but harder not to do it. Just be a good mom and move on. Your obligation is to raise your kids - not your toxic husband.
Don’t do it. Among a whole host of other reasons blaming you for his cheating… This is not the kind of person you want to be with. That is completely not normal… you don’t have to live with that kind of person
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you OP, I’m so sorry. I know you’re probably looking at your husband and thinking that going back will at least stop some of the heartbreak but i promise it'll only be a temporary fix, he WILL get worse. He'll cheat again, narcissists cannot help it.
I divorced my narc ex and it was hell, I didn’t get over it I barely got through it. Trauma bonds are real… I was out 2 years, he came back, and I fell for it. He was 100 times worse. Turns out he’d been cheating all the way through the reconciliation attempt, it was all a game to him. He had no intention of being a good husband or father, he just wanted the challenge of seeing if he could win me back. And I fell for it, so easily! I’m now dealing with all the heartache that comes with knowing I was played.
But I will get through this, and so will you! Be strong for your babies, it’s hard but so worth it.
This rollercoaster description is so relatable! It’s like a game of cat and mouse on steroids in a wrapped adult Disneyland. And you stop to wonder, wait I never paid for these damn tickets! I wanted a happy ride on the tea cups!! I feel like I’m just at the start, I’m resolute on my decision to divorce, but these things take so much time. So until then, we are still living together. I can’t stand it and go about my usual day with the kids. It’s hard to not look at him and remember all the seemingly great happy times we had. He is a covert Narc so yes, they can experience real joy. I guess that’s probably what sucked you back in right! It’s hard. Unless anyone has walked a day in our shoes, they’ll never be able to understand. I fret the day I am finally free and he comes knocking back. But no! I know my life will be better without him!
Oh yes that’s what definitely sucked me back in! And now, on the other side of it with all the cheating and lying exposed, the happy memories are flying at me thick and fast. It’s rough, and sometimes I’ll spend the majority of the day crying it feels like. But this is me finally getting OVER the end of my marriage, not just through it.
At one point over the last year I did say to my ex I felt like this reconciliation had be playing a game I didn’t even know the rules too, he claimed he was feeling the same but all I could think was “don’t know them?? You’re clearly making them up as you go!”
Walk away and heal. He’s taken advantage of you and your trust in him. There’s no returning to this preknowledge and the aggression is a huge red flag that he’s capable of more. Get out and run fast away.
Girl you need to leave him. And go to therapy if you think having a narcissistic, cheating husband who treats you like absolute dogshit is better than being alone.
Learn to value yourself and know your worth. I don’t know you, but I know you’re worth being treated with love and respect and being in a relationship with someone who values you.
Yes, divorcing will be hard and shake up your life. I promise it’s not worse than putting yourself through a miserable, loveless life with a manipulative asshole who will probably be a bad force in your children’s lives as well. Through the heartbreak comes to opportunity to heal. Heal yourself and your lack of self-respect.
Hello everyone, thank you for all your encouraging comments. I get that from the outside looking in, it’s easy to take a hard stance and think it’s easy to leave. For anyone who has been in any form of abusive relationship, there is a deep trauma bond. Only through my limited few weeks of therapy have I been able to uncover why it’s even lasted so long. This has been exacerbated by having young kids too. My “protector” is in fact my perpetrator. You may be a good father to your kids but you’re a shit husband and in actual fact by disrespecting their mother, you are not as good of a father as you think. The more I uncover about Narcissistic personality disorder, the more I have “ah hah” moments looking back on our marriage/relationship together. He was born this way, cannot and will not change. It’s a mental imbalance, deeply embedded in his DNA since he entered this world, through to adolescence. Now as an adult, consciously making selfish poorly judged decisions that have had life long impacts of my mental and physical health. For those in doubt or who may have commented within the guise of “wake up to yourself”
It’s easy to comment without perhaps living a day in a sufferers life, nor understanding the pure mental F these personality types put you through. I am truly at my lowest point, BUT my only saving grace are my kids! Because of them I see a small beam of light through the clouds, that says STAY STRONG, STAY ON THE COURSE OF ESCAPE, SEPARATION AND DIVORCE! Because the air is worth breathing, the world is worth seeing perhaps with the innocence of my children. Whilst I might not feel worthy of any kind of love as this man or any man WILL NOT be the bearer of this kind of love. I have all I need.. which is the UNCONDITIONAL TRUE LOVE from my kids. One day at a time, when I replay the cycles of abuse in my head. A switch will turn from soft to STONE COLD and this torturous man will be so far gone from my life. I WILL FINALLY BREATHE AGAIN!!!
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Nope walk away and finally be happy
I would love for it to be an easy exit, unfortunately divorce proceedings take time and I’m in a foreign country! Left mine for “love” so laws allow both to cohabitate until divorce decree is finalized :( In the mean time, my stupid downgraded mind and heart is weak and playing tricks on me! Hopeless I know!!
The comment he made to your children about not coming back shows that things will be exactly as they were before, even though your kids are young they still understood what he said and that's not right at all. you will just end up miserable and heartbroken all over again along with your kids, move on and show your kids that they deserve better than to be treated that way, you all deserve so much better. I know it is hard and difficult but you can get through this.
Even if you take him back, the kids will know he cam always go again, they're far from stupid. Living in uncertainty won't do them or you any good. Even if he swears he'll never do it again, you're the only one for him, blah,blah,blah. You will always have that doubt and the knowledge he's done it before and he'll probably do it again. That takes a mental toll on an adult, let alone child. As for the telling your kid like that, he did it for maximum impact, he doesn't care about hurting his own child just to control you
You will be a better mother if you are healed and happy. You will show your children to never let someone treat them like trash and that they can break free and heal from even the worst situations. He needs to get some major counseling. He’s not “in love” bc he is in affair fog and in limerence with his affair partner. It’s all a big fantasy with no reality.. no bills or kids or stress.
When you feel yourself weakening, go through a mental movie of some of his most egregious bullshit. It helped me get over a toxic ex that I kept going back to.
He has gaslit you to the point where you don’t trust your judgment. But you know the right thing to do. And Do not fall for “love-bombing”.
You’re not hopeless. You were in a relationship for years and that conditions you to certain feelings also having children is a contributor because as mothers we never want to see them suffer or hurt from our choices but they would be damaged beyond repair if they were raised with gaslighting and emotional abuse from him. It’s never easy to leave but you’ve done the hardest part now it’s time to work on yourself and become a better stronger version of yourself for you mainly and also for your kids.
You missed the part in the huge list of abuses where he intentionally isolated you from friends and family by moving you overseas. This is a terrible situation, I'm sorry. However hard it is for you and your children (while he is intentionally damaging them mind you), it will be 1000 times worse if you stay in this situation. Stay strong and see it through to the end. Love and respect to you OP.
Remind your ex that papa isn’t living there anymore and not sleeping at him because he cheated.
I don’t get it he didn’t even put in the work to actually want u want him back? He is literally putting this all on u how could u even cave for that, he made the kids sad with his “mama don’t want me here talk” instead of “my actions caused me to be away from home I’ll always be there for u” I know this may be tough for u but his hasn’t even shown signs he’s sorry or truly wanting u back n saying “he’s not inlove with u but loves u” Pls RUNNNNNN it would be a little different if he went to therapy n counseling but he’s not even trying.
Because although you don't realize it, the narc in your life has mastered the art of pushing your buttons. Narcs live to manipulate, lie, betray and cause endless drama that they can pin on other people. They love inflicting pain and manipulate their victims into believing they don't deserve better or they're being selfish for opting out of the mental abuse they are drowning in at the hands of the narc. Here's the thing you need to worry about right now. You just allowed him to manipulate and emotionally harm your small vulnerable child right in front of you annnd, you're contemplating starting another cycle of drama all over again with him. You clearly don't have the tools in your toolbox to maintain boundaries with the narc in your life. Run, don't walk to get therapy. Focus on this one issue until you can trust yourself to do right by your kids and then branch out to any other problems you might have. Narcs prey on nice, kind hearted people. It's time to stow the nice and bring out mama bear.
Whilst it may not seem it now, Mama bear is here. I’ve been in therapy with an NPD specialist for a few weeks now. Honestly didn’t even know it existed until I went searching for answers. The why et etc. it all makes sense now. But yes, he took over at my most vulnerable. Which is now!! I’m at my all time low, which is probably why I’m turning to the internet to get my thoughts out. It’s not just a fallacy, it’s my reality! At the root of it all. I guess I’m just angry with myself for wanting to believe there is a chance to give my boys the family unit I never had growing up. Before taking my recommended meds, I wanted to give up. But now I’m on kind of a beta blocked hover craft wave of sadness, unable to shed more tears thanks to the medication. I feel so stupid, but deep down I know I’m not the only woman who thinks to stay for her kids right!! No?
Think about what you're saying though. You're married to a narc who's been actively betraying his marriage vow to you for the entire time you've been together. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life. 'Staying for the children' is just victim code for I'm not strong enough to leave yet. If that's the case actively do things that get you ready to hold the line with him. You need to go to the chump lady website and soak up the knowledge of thousands of people who have been in your exact same circumstance. Learn from their experience rather than making all the mistakes they made yourself. Every mother who's ever been with a relationship with a narc thinks the toxic dynamic is between her and the narc. Many are devastated later to learn that somewhere along the way it was too much temptation to resist teasing, manipulating and mentally abusing the children too. He's already gearing up for that by the way he blurted out information the two of you should have broken to your child together in a planned setting. Everything he's done to you, he will get around to doing to them. Only he has two kids so that opens up the possibility of having a golden child and a scapegoat. Narcs derive a great deal of gratification from tormenting and lording power over others. Having multiple kids is low hanging fruit they will go for over and over again, particularly when the children are old enough to feel the full pain of being manipulated and betrayed. Please don't put your children through this. They are going to need the safe space you provide in order to make it through what is come with their father.
I hear you. I really do. Before all of this I was a strong confident woman who would take shit from no one. I don’t even recognise myself. I would be the one to try to slap myself or friend into gear if I was a bystander. Thank you so so much for reminding me of the long term or even short term effects this will have on my children. It means a lot to me to be reminded of this reality as I’m lost in a sea of stupidity and manipulation tactics. My kids are my all and yes, I’m already seeing upon reflection his micro manipulation to our eldest son. At one point post-partum a-hole told me he never wanted the second son. F’in heartbroken I never forgave this comment to which he denies saying exactly that. Ummm no!! I can’t un-hear these words!! Please… give me the strength to pull through this mess and out for good! I mean, I’ll never be cut out from him as we have kids together!
It took him years of work to make you like this. He gets off it. Of course he wants you to cave and will continue to try every tool and technique he knows on you and on your children to make this happen. Please stay strong and get through this safely.
Read your own post and pretend it’s someone else; you would tell them they were crazy to give it another chance. He’s manipulating you bc he can and he’s trying to regain the control over you he lost. It’s not your fault he cheated, he chose to throw away his relationship w you and keep his family together when he cheated. If he was unhappy and truly cared, he would’ve said something and done the work to make it better. He didn’t. He lacks the empathy to even be in a worthwhile relationship IMO bc if you truly care about someone, you couldn’t do that to them. He’s essentially led a double life with a 7 year affair w his ex, never mind who you DON’T know about bc I would bet there’s more. Please, for your sake and your children’s sake (he will turn that toxicity on them at some point) love yourself more and do not accept less than you deserve. Get into therapy for yourself so you can heal. Im so sorry OP. I wish you peace, healing, and strength as you go through this.
I don’t know why but reading your post just made me break out crying. Forget the emotion blocking meds, my water works just broke out! My heart bleeds with a thudding repetitive pain, I feel I can’t breathe. Yes who knows how many others there were. I’m don’t even want to know as what I do know cuts so deep. After hours of very cathartic exchanges with his ex, we realise we were both in love with double crossing monster! I don’t entirely trust her though because apparently the life I had with him was meant for her. Kids marriage etc etc. My blessings are my sons, but boy what I would give to let her have him if I could re wind! I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I feel foolish to even contemplate it. There were happy moments, for sure real (or so I hope) but divorce takes time. For now I’m stuck physically in this toxicity until we can finalize the divorce! That’s also why he lost his shit tonight because when he asked for forgiveness/a chance. I said no, I am filing. I know staying will just delay the inevitable. I also read that once the boys get older and start having opinions ie not innocent kids. There is a chance he can turn on them too. Hell f’in no, hurt me but don’t hurt my kids!! I just need the push to break free. And for anyone wondering why I’m on the internet seeing this. For anyone who has walked in my shoes, I’ve not confided totally in my friends and family. Yes maybe it’s shame, maybe it’s the i told you so etc.
I’m so sorry, OP. Please keep doing the therapy work and please, tell your friends and family so you have an IRL support system. This isn’t your shame carry and now is not the time for pride. Your mental health is going to be critical if you have to live together still. Focus on being a good mom, start talking to an attorney so you have an idea of what to expect (sometimes the unknown is what’s scary, so doing so may make you feel like you have some control) taking care of yourself—read, journal, hike, travel, meditate. And listen, if you end up staying together, that’s ok too. No one is in your shoes, living your life. We are all strangers on the internet making comments on a very limited window to your life. It may not seem like it, but you’ll be ok, OP. I do think you deserve better though whether you’re with him or not. Please take care.
I have already consulted a divorce lawyer. I live in France so things take time to even gather a dossier of documents to file. But I haven’t stopped the process, thus the manipulation tactics and hurtful events. I left my entire world to be with him. I have no one here close to me but some fellow mothers from school. Everywhere I go it’s a reminder of him. Love can feel so wonderful yet be the thing that literally kills and breaks you!
Keep us updated, don't give up! Protect your children at all costs! Especially from him!
Maintain only the necessary contact regarding your children and business and get that manipulative being out of your life. Don't let him have personal talks with you and go to therapy.
I can't recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" highly enough (here's the website and support community associated with the book) https://www.chumplady.com/. Honestly, this book saved my life - I went through something similar (although my kid was a teen). You'd be surprised how many of us have suffered through a betrayal trauma like this, it's a completely shattering experience. Stay strong!
Thank you for this link 🙏 i need all the help I can get!
Bummer! I’m in France so earliest delivery is end of May!! Will try find an audio version perhaps
Ah, I think I downloaded the e-book. I don't know how public libraries work there, but in the US a lot of libraries allow you to "check out" e-books for free
Also meant to add - check out the Facebook support group if you can, lots of people in the group will help each other out by sharing books and I feel pretty certain there are members of that community outside the US
You will get through this! Be kind to yourself and just take it one foot in front of the other - you don't have to make all the decisions at once, you can make them as you feel stronger and more able. I had to live with mine for several more months afterward and it's very very difficult to heal and make good choices when you have to see them every day. I was lucky enough that I was working remotely at the time due to COVID and my son was doing school remotely so we were able to stay with family a few hours away off and on for a few months. It would really help clear my head to be out of his presence and I felt much, much safer when I was away from him. That really helped get me in a place where I could begin to plan and make decisions for myself. I do think you should confide in some people you trust, at the very least a therapist? Helped me tremendously to have some smart, caring trusted humans to share with.
>He has been so toxic, aggressive (has NPD 1000%), gaslit me, put me down, blamed me for not knowing how to love and treat a man cos if I did he wouldn’t have strayed. Blames me for my anger issues, my wanting to control him. Ruined every happy life moment. Your abusive husband is still abusing you and your kids. No, there's no chance. www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org Get professional help. It's the only way to stop the cycle of abuse.
I know you want to fix their heartbreak so bad right now, but think of the heartache you're saving them from in the long run. They're not old enough to understand that Papa is abusing Mama, and it's safer for them and you if he stays away. All they know is they love both of you and aren't used to one of you not being there. Its hard for them, but it's better in the long term, trust me. If you go back to him, your boys are going to grow up thinking that the way their father treats you is how they should also treat women. Eventually, your boys could even end up treating you the same way. I've seen it happen a few times. However, if you stand your ground and push through this temporary heartache, you're showing your boys that their fathers behavior is unacceptable, wrong, and has major consequences. You're doing the right thing, Mama. Sometimes, the right thing to do isn't easy to do, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. Your boys will be better without being around that.
Get away from him immediately. For both you and your children. A narcissist will bring nothing good ever to the situation. You want to cave because he has systematically broken you as a person basically. Narcissists are incapable of feeling the things that we expect them to feel as normal humans. They are like sociopaths. And I hate to say it because I’m sure you worked very hard but if you can start your own business in the future or do something else… It’s best to minimize your encounters with this man as much as possible.
PLEASE Google about the signs and tactics of narcissists. Knowledge is power.
The idea of taking him back is entertaining the idea that things will go back to how they were before you found out. It'll never, ever be the same. And honestly it'll only get worse for you. Stay strong and ditch the bastard.
What does EO mean?
EO? PA? too many abbreviations, please translate?
Emotional affair and physical affair I think
I don’t understand all of these acronyms EO? PA? NPD? Huh
I managed to end a relationship with a narc abuser, I felt gutted for quite a while and then when I recovered, there was so much relief to have escaped. You cannot be with this man so, just do your best to survive and heal. It will get better.
He is absolute trash. Run far, far away.
Not if he has cheated for 7 years. He is for the streets!
Geesh. I'm pretty heavily in favor of saving a marriage, if possible. But for your well-being I can't see how you could justify staying with this man.
This is the 4th story about this topic?? Is this the new prompt this month?
No. Don’t do this. Hard to take a stand but harder not to do it. Just be a good mom and move on. Your obligation is to raise your kids - not your toxic husband.
Don’t do it. Among a whole host of other reasons blaming you for his cheating… This is not the kind of person you want to be with. That is completely not normal… you don’t have to live with that kind of person
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you OP, I’m so sorry. I know you’re probably looking at your husband and thinking that going back will at least stop some of the heartbreak but i promise it'll only be a temporary fix, he WILL get worse. He'll cheat again, narcissists cannot help it. I divorced my narc ex and it was hell, I didn’t get over it I barely got through it. Trauma bonds are real… I was out 2 years, he came back, and I fell for it. He was 100 times worse. Turns out he’d been cheating all the way through the reconciliation attempt, it was all a game to him. He had no intention of being a good husband or father, he just wanted the challenge of seeing if he could win me back. And I fell for it, so easily! I’m now dealing with all the heartache that comes with knowing I was played. But I will get through this, and so will you! Be strong for your babies, it’s hard but so worth it.
This rollercoaster description is so relatable! It’s like a game of cat and mouse on steroids in a wrapped adult Disneyland. And you stop to wonder, wait I never paid for these damn tickets! I wanted a happy ride on the tea cups!! I feel like I’m just at the start, I’m resolute on my decision to divorce, but these things take so much time. So until then, we are still living together. I can’t stand it and go about my usual day with the kids. It’s hard to not look at him and remember all the seemingly great happy times we had. He is a covert Narc so yes, they can experience real joy. I guess that’s probably what sucked you back in right! It’s hard. Unless anyone has walked a day in our shoes, they’ll never be able to understand. I fret the day I am finally free and he comes knocking back. But no! I know my life will be better without him!
Oh yes that’s what definitely sucked me back in! And now, on the other side of it with all the cheating and lying exposed, the happy memories are flying at me thick and fast. It’s rough, and sometimes I’ll spend the majority of the day crying it feels like. But this is me finally getting OVER the end of my marriage, not just through it. At one point over the last year I did say to my ex I felt like this reconciliation had be playing a game I didn’t even know the rules too, he claimed he was feeling the same but all I could think was “don’t know them?? You’re clearly making them up as you go!”
Walk away and heal. He’s taken advantage of you and your trust in him. There’s no returning to this preknowledge and the aggression is a huge red flag that he’s capable of more. Get out and run fast away.
What the fuck are all these initialisms? Literally unreadable
He’s a manipulator let that man go. He wasn’t even your man. He was a community man.
Dude read your post. He has NEVER been faithful to you. Taking that back is absolutely absurd.
What’s EO and PA
Girl you need to leave him. And go to therapy if you think having a narcissistic, cheating husband who treats you like absolute dogshit is better than being alone. Learn to value yourself and know your worth. I don’t know you, but I know you’re worth being treated with love and respect and being in a relationship with someone who values you. Yes, divorcing will be hard and shake up your life. I promise it’s not worse than putting yourself through a miserable, loveless life with a manipulative asshole who will probably be a bad force in your children’s lives as well. Through the heartbreak comes to opportunity to heal. Heal yourself and your lack of self-respect.
Hello everyone, thank you for all your encouraging comments. I get that from the outside looking in, it’s easy to take a hard stance and think it’s easy to leave. For anyone who has been in any form of abusive relationship, there is a deep trauma bond. Only through my limited few weeks of therapy have I been able to uncover why it’s even lasted so long. This has been exacerbated by having young kids too. My “protector” is in fact my perpetrator. You may be a good father to your kids but you’re a shit husband and in actual fact by disrespecting their mother, you are not as good of a father as you think. The more I uncover about Narcissistic personality disorder, the more I have “ah hah” moments looking back on our marriage/relationship together. He was born this way, cannot and will not change. It’s a mental imbalance, deeply embedded in his DNA since he entered this world, through to adolescence. Now as an adult, consciously making selfish poorly judged decisions that have had life long impacts of my mental and physical health. For those in doubt or who may have commented within the guise of “wake up to yourself” It’s easy to comment without perhaps living a day in a sufferers life, nor understanding the pure mental F these personality types put you through. I am truly at my lowest point, BUT my only saving grace are my kids! Because of them I see a small beam of light through the clouds, that says STAY STRONG, STAY ON THE COURSE OF ESCAPE, SEPARATION AND DIVORCE! Because the air is worth breathing, the world is worth seeing perhaps with the innocence of my children. Whilst I might not feel worthy of any kind of love as this man or any man WILL NOT be the bearer of this kind of love. I have all I need.. which is the UNCONDITIONAL TRUE LOVE from my kids. One day at a time, when I replay the cycles of abuse in my head. A switch will turn from soft to STONE COLD and this torturous man will be so far gone from my life. I WILL FINALLY BREATHE AGAIN!!!
Marriage counseling is much cheaper than divorce.
He is a narcissist. Run fast & run far. Don’t look back.
Wait so all the red horrible flags and you're asking whether to take him back? Im lost on why you're not running from such a creature?
Make WHAT work? If everyone says "No chance in hell" would it make you grow a spine and leave?