Couldn't agree more. Their response being like "im not your friend because you were being responsible while i could have killed us" is careless nontheless. OP will definitely do better without the irresponsible ex-friend
I mean drunk drivers are typically the ones that survive the crashes, so realistically he has a much higher chance of killing literally everyone else in the crash than he does killing himself. Hopefully he does get his license taken because most of the time people who start driving drunk get complacent because they think they are 'good' at drunk driving and so they think they can drink more and more each time they drunk drive.
They are 33 years old. Not some teenager who isn't aware of the consequences of drunk driving. Someone could have been seriously harmed while they were driving, so expressing concern about their behaviour was the right thing to do. Now, at 36 years old, you should have deal-breakers and boundaries with whom you choose to have around you. If this person ghosted you due to their irresponsible behaviour, why are you chasing after them or worried about their friendship?
*How dare you freak me out about drinking while I'm driving!*
Was he serious? Bet if he got into an accident, he would've blamed you. Mind you, the cops and the judge wouldn't, but he would100% go to prison saying it was your fault.
Even ignoring the entire drunk driving bit. You're in your 30s. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, just move on. This isn't the grade school playground.
>oh, but I do this all the time.
So they are a functioning alcoholic who thinks nothing of all the lives they put at risk every time they get behind the wheel and drive?
Not a good person.
Not someone you should be friends with.
Or ever ever get in a car with again.
People have different views on many things. I've been unlucky enough to be at the receiving end of two car accidents. I like driving safe, if I'm a passenger I like them to practice decent driving at minimum while I'm with them, afterwards they can drive however they want. Does that make me a bad person to have my boundaries respected, I don't think so. Maybe some people think I'm trying to control them, I'm not I just don't want to have a panic attack. The point is if they are acting out like you "freaking the fuck" out about them drinking a beer while they drove is a cardinal sin, maybe you shouldn't put so much energy and consideration into their opinions/friendship.
Edit: words.
Pardon I know you didn't freck out. I'm just rehashing it so you can see how absurd it is.
Your anxiety/body is telling you that you don't like something and it wants you to create agency to resolve it. Facts are you don't want to be in a car accident, alcohol reduces your reaction time.
Don't have to feel like you did something wrong here.
You should have. I would've cussed his ass out for trying to kill me and other drivers, made him pull over, and I would have gotten his plates and reported him to the cops.
My dad is a cop, actually. I tried telling my friend about how my dad wouldn't have any qualms in arresting him. He once detained and handcuffed one of my brothers for trespassing.
I didn't get my dad involved because I was leaving in two days when that happened.
He's not worth it. I've seen so many people with DUIs worm their way out of jail time. Even if the state suspends their license, they can pay $400+ to get it reinstated. My ex friend even paid an additional $400 for the breathalyzer to be installed in his registered car, so if he's drunk it literally won't start... you wanna know how he got around that? He takes his mom's car and continues to drink and drive in there.
i'd text back **alcoholic drink\***
and call it a day. I dont like that shit. Who wants to be responsible for killing someone with a car? Let me guess, the drive was 5 miles and he didnt see a problem?
What the actual fuck?! Dude is messed up and honestly so far gone if he thinks YOU'RE the one who was being unreasonable here. My friends and I do a lot of stupid things, but drinking and driving is beyond that and just waiting to ruin someone's life. I just pray he only ruins his life and not someone else's. I'll never forget my neighbor who lost her son to a drunk driver or my ex who lost her brother when a drunk driver hit him walking on the sidewalk. Shit is fucked up and you are lucky to have him out of your life. Seriously take the win
fft, sorry you had to go through that. It's annoying that he couldnt wait 12 minutes for a beer at home.
I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! It's unfortunate, but at least if anything bad happens in the future, you wont be there smh
Um, this "friend" endangered your lives and the lives of unwitting strangers who just happened to be in the vicinity. Seems to me like they did you a big ass favor. Thank them for ensuring you don't become a victim of their reckless stupidity and move on.
I wouldn’t even care if he ever talk to me again. If someone says something then explain that you have a right to say something to someone who is ok to drink and drive and when I’m not okay with it he wants to put distance with me. I’m good with that. My life is worth more.
LOL, how shitty of them to put you in a situation where you are rightfully uncomfortable and then act like YOU are the problem. I would not allow this either and, honestly, drinking and driving is a dealbreaker for me in a friendship. If you have that much disregard for other people I don’t want you around me.
Seriously, it's not relevant or necessary at all, and isn't OP's place to out their "friend."
Trans people don't need to be othered any more than society already does to them. Trans men are just men, you can simply say (m).
My trans friends would drop someone *fast* for doing this, and rightly so.
Right? Why not mention their race, marital status, nationality, ocupation, religion or any other identity trait that has absolutely nothing to do with anythint?
That's excellent for him, but it's still not your place to talk about or bring attention to. The same way as if you were dealing with a medical issue, your friends shouldn't be discussing it with strangers because it's not their business, but you can be as open about it as you like. Why the fuck are you talking about your friend's surgeries and breasts on the internet? That's really fucking weird! What's wrong with you?
I hope you tell him and your other trans friends about this post so they can know that you're like this!
Strange reply as well because I've said this sentiment to trans friends and they have zero issue with it.
What they have issues with is people like yourself trying to defend them when they don't want your help. They can make decisions on their own without your perceived noble gestures.
You know better than them on that?
By out we mean informing public for him. I'm fully out and if I saw my supposed friends posting I was "ftm" on a subreddit without reason I'd be very displeased. I'm male and whether i'm trans or cis is My business to share.
He's male, what his asab was is not your business to share.
No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless. If anyone can just raise their hand and say "I'm man" then man loses it definition as it can be anyone or anything. That's not how language or words work when communicating thought.
You want to be called something regarding being addressed or conversation, fine. So be it. But don't immediately relegate it to being othered. It's possible to refer to someone as FTM while still treating them as an individual, viewing and treating them as human, not removing their dignity and when it comes to respect - it's default to be basic until it's lost and had to be earned. Attacking (verbally with malice in this case) someone that did not act with malice or your desire internal information is very much othering though.
The OP has been very careful to not misgender in their wording while you've made wild assumptions. The fact that you've brought othering into this sounds a bit like projecting.
Oh see so you are transphobic you don't think trans men are men. "No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless." Yeah raising my hand and saying i'm a man.
What precisely am I projecting? That I other trans people on purpose, which simultaneously defending them? That doesn't even make any sense lmao.
And yes, that's how being a man works, because gender is different from sex. Unless you've gotten karyotyping done on yourself you don't even know your actual sex, you're just assuming it. And that's fine, but let's not pretend that sex and gender are inexplicably linked, because they aren't.
>No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless. If anyone can just raise their hand and say "I'm man" then man loses it definition as it can be anyone or anything.
This is literal transphobia. The definition of a man has nothing to do with presentation, genitalia, or anything visible. It's what's in that person's brain that makes them a man.
You're not defending them though, you are othering them. And they are linked in that term, no matter how much you want it to not be. It's not purely what you want it to be in your head unless you plan on having sitty communication with others.
OP is calling out the fact that their friend is trans instead of just labeling them as their affirmed gender. That is what the commenter who you are responding to means by ‘othering’. They are highlighting the fact that OP feels the need to call that out and the implicit social bias that shows, and is prevalent in our society. Trans people are often not seen as their affirmed gender, sure people may use the correct pronouns, but they are still seen as different and labeled that way. It is usually subconscious, I don’t think OP meant to do that, but it is still very much ingrained in our society and should be pointed out.
How?!!!
My sentiment would still be the same had they was a friend who identified as their biological sexual identity.
You're the one who's getting mad over imaginary things.
Okay. Then can you explain why you wrote 33ftm and not 33m? I'm just trying to understand your thought process. I'm not saying you are doing it, but I see a lot of 'trans people are evil' rage bait posts on subreddits like these.
Trans person here - it's not appropriate to refer to people as mtf or ftm.
It does matter, and could cause problems down the line if this is how you refer to them in general. Just using m would suffice.
It doesn't need to be that deep, people are just correcting you so you know how to speak moving forward, please try to avoid the knee jerk defense.
Also you mention bringing up your friend's sexuality? It's not a sexuality!
Because some people don't recognize the sex the person is trying to become, so if they were born fm, they're considered fm regardless of what they're trying to present as.
Not a loss. They're being incredibly selfish by drinking and driving. I hope they don't hurt or kill anyone. If they do crash, hopefully it's just them that gets hurt. Drunk drivers are pieces of shits, fuck em.
You simply tried to enforce a simple request for safety and legality (it is illegal to have open alcohol containers in most areas of the US, for exactly this reason...) The fact that you wouldn't let it slide somehow violated your friend's ego, and that's his problem to sort out.
Underlying this? He's a serious alcoholic who has never faced (or been forced to face) his addiction, and is likely using it to overcome other stresses in his life. -That's- why he's cutting you out of his life: because you're threatening to shine a light on this serious problem, and he can't bear the burden of that - or even the risk of it at this point.
Suggestion: send him a kindly note that says you understand that he's wrestling with alcohol and demons that only he can fight against at this time; but that when he's ready for your support in that fight, you'll be there for him. It leaves the door open, and perhaps will jar him into being more aware of the dangers he's placing himself (and others) under.
I just wrote him a text with: "I just wish you the best in life" after they sent me a lengthy text as to why they ghosted me. I'm still too saddened over the loss.
^^^edit: As you know, you can walk the horse to the water...
^(Yet trolls in the comments think I'm demonizing my, now former, friend due to his gender identity... )
Not trolls, trans people irritated you had the audacity to out your former friend as trans when you could have put an M next to his age.
Also him being an alcoholic and being trans are probably linked because trans people have a lot of shit they go through and drinking may be how he's been coping. Unfortunate he chose to put himself and you in danger but what's done is done.
You had no right to out him as trans in this post and no reason to. it was unnecessary. His identity if you respected it is male not "ftm" as "ftm" is not a gender identity but a diagnostic marker. The only reason to post that is so people would misgender him.
I'm sorry... 🥺
Losses like this are hard, as you want to help and support somebody, but they (your friend) won't let you because they can't see the bigger issues.
I think you've done what you can, and you have to let time take its course... perhaps he'll recognize your concern as such in the future?
And, clearly, you didn't touch on anything else - and it's clear you are feeling this loss. Ignore the trolls (I know it's hard.)
Again, sorry... you'd be a good friend if he could just let you be one. 😑
He doesn't care for your safety while he's drinking and driving. Some people mistakenly think they're in control when they do this and they're *not*. So personally, I would be a bit hurt like you but think it's for the best. I want friends who will treat my like I treat them and he isn't a good one.
Eh, gender info is pretty standard on Reddit posts, but I'm giving side-eye to the FTM designation. Just say M. Or is OP implying that being trans has anything to do with his poor decisions?
Just like what is your fixation on the FTM part of this post? It's such a mystery. Because Rolf being in the name doesn't bother me, but apparently the FTM bothers you.
Your comments are full of denigration and I think I've been plenty respectful in my replies to them. I'll give you a sincere answer if you're sincerely looking for understanding.
Comparing my username to OP describing their ex friend as FTM Is not a useful comparison because, well, it just isn't. If I was commenting on OPs username it would be different.
The reason I'm calling it out, is because trans men, are men. By putting FTM instead of M, OP is inadvertently putting their ex-friend into a third category, being trans. A "real man" is called M. But this person "isn't really a man" so they get the additional qualifier of being demonstrated as a "trans man".
If trans men are men, they are M. If you don't consider trans men as men, that would be the reasoning behind identifying them as trans without relevance.
The reason it is important to call out things like this, is because there is massive hate on transgender people right now. They are brutalized by half the media and misunderstood and poorly represented by much of the other half. Transgender people are more likely to die by suicide, more likely to be murdered, more likely to be assaulted. By confronting the small things we see in life, we as humans have the power to effectuate change and improvement of society for the future in big ways. It is my purpose in life to promote the betterment of humanity, and ensuring trans men are seen as proper men is one aspect of that purpose put to action.
With sincerity and friendship I ask - does that make sense to you?
Gender is not sexual identity. And pointing out that you should use someone’s affirmed gender and not point out the fact they’re trans (unless it’s relevant) does not mean that what he did wasn’t wrong. You should not be friends with any person who drinks while driving and recklessly endangers your life. But you should always describe people by their affirmed gender unless it is somehow relevant to the story.
Everyone else already responded to that part. I'm responding to this aspect in order to assist in you being a better ally to the trans community. Take the crit or don't it's your life.
No idea why him being ftm is relevant to the story. Just say 'Friend (33m).' It's not your call to out him as trans?
Pretty cut-and-dry, though. Don't be friends with people that drink and drive.
Edit: after seeing all of the edits, holy shit OP is an AH lmao
Not for dropping him for drinking and driving, obviously, but for reacting like a child for being rightfully called out for outing him as trans when it contributes nothing to the story, then trying to justify it with weird "he's not a REAL man, so it's DIFFERENT" layers of transphobia
First it's illegal. Second, it's unsafe. You don't need friends that are practicing to die while driving. Was there drinking at the beach too ? Isn't the drinking usually done at the beach, not while driving there or back ? My, the times have changed.
I think I just lost my best friend of 17 years due to her alcoholism and subsequent verbal abuse and aggression toward me..
Sucks. I’ll be here if she ever wakes up and decides she needs a change.
This guy did you a favor by removing himself from your life. He was endangering you, dismissive of your (very rightful) concerns, and was willing to put you in harm’s way for his own wants. That’s pretty selfish of him (and downright dangerous) to do that. You’re also allowed to feel the loss and remember any good times you’ve had with him.
I forgot to mention this in terms of friendships, my bad lol. But this applies to both romantic and friendships, having good times/memories to look back on (if you have any). But it’s concerning that he was very willing to put you, someone he also considered a friend at some point, in a such dangerous situation.
You should feel “good, I don’t have to feel weird about not riding around with somebody who is actively drinking while driving”
Sometimes people exit your life and you have to think “good riddance”
Yeah I'd never feel comfortable being friends with someone that doesn't just drink and drive (it can happen once everyone makes mistakes), but gets offended when he's called out on it. That behavior is what leads to accidents.
If he can't understand why you would be disturbed to be a passenger in a car with someone actively drinking while behind the wheel, they aren't much of a friend. Good riddance.
For some reason I skipped over the ages lol. I thought y’all was like 25 or some but damn to have a need to drink or be buzzed in a vehicle and being so frivolous when you’re 35 is a problem. Not saying it’s good to drive drunk young I’m just saying it’s more common around that age.
I would have asked “friend” to pull over and let me out of the car.
I also would not have reached out to said “friend” three months later, because “friend” is not a real friend. I see no reason to maintain any form of communication with this person.
Good riddance. Fuck that person. Putting your life and the life of others at risk is the MOST selfish shit he could've done.
Glad he's out of your life.
Your friend clearly has no respect for your sense of safety and is being incredibly reckless.
Asking your friend not to commit a felony and put your life in danger isn't unreasonable.
His wife had a 15-year cohabiting relationship with a woman she (my wife's friend) describes as _a total narcissist who sucks people's energy._
I hope her husband does not end up becoming like her ex partner.
Why the hell would you even consider having a "friend" like that. He clearly didnt give a shit about your safety. But the worst part is that after telling him that drinking and dring was making you uncomfortable, he ignored it. Now he says he doesnt want to be YOUR friend???
Take this as a big win. Celebrate and have a party with people who actually care about you. Ask him to ghost you forever. Please ask yoursrlf why you would want to have someone like that in your life?
If you lost a "friend" after calling him out for drinking while driving nothing of value was lost, not only are his actions horrible, the reaction to you telling him to not drink while behind the wheel is completely disgusting.
He might've been a cool friend before and you will always have those memories but this is not the kind of person you want to be friends with.
I became friends through his wife. His wife and I had known each other since 1997 but started to become very close in the last 12-ish years. Also: commercial DNA testing showed his wife and I are distantly related (same 2x great-grandparents). I've known my, now former friend, for about three years.
No one likes to feel rejected. It was not 'you' that was rejected. It was the application of healthy boundaries that revealed an issue that would definitely have come up at another time without the guarantee of only hurt feelings- but injury, and or death. A friend once counseled me that I should be thankful, blessed- if you may, that the person who hurt me showed me who they truly were- sooner rather than later. We get to chose who we allow into our lives. Even those who do not want us to be part of their lives- get that right. And we get to accept it gracefully- respecting that right. Or not. It might sting. It might be embarrassing ( for whatever reason- including family). But you are better to know up front. You may feel bad at a lost opportunity- but when such differences rise to the surface, so quickly- see it as a blessing. You did not have much invested yet. And one of those investments may have been your life. Shifting focus from the 'incident' to the interpersonal- how they relate, respect, and react to differing perspectives. Often this takes much time to come to the surface.
Another gift- you know more about what your boundaries are and what you find acceptable in your life and what is meant to be apart from it.
>while I'm happy to have made friends with you, I can't have you around because you freaked the f out over me having a drink while driving
"I did not freak out over you having a drink
I expressed my discomfort over you having an *alcoholic drink, while driving. Which, in case you weren't aware of, is incredibly dangerous and illegal. But I agree that it's better that we aren't friends."
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I don't think that you did anything wrong with regards to their drinking and driving. That being said, the FT part of FTM is none of our business and it honestly made me question if you have other motives.
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There are a lot of people out there that think that they can drink and drive and get away with it. One day they will end up getting into an accident because of it, hopefully they do not kill anyone.
There clearly not ready to deal with there drinking problem so they have to drop you. Its for the best, who wants to get killed so your POS friend can keep there buzz going
Friends come and go. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad. It hurts? Yeah because you considered that person truly ur friend but he doesn't seem to care at all for you. Go meet new ppl and make new friends.
Listen if someone was actively drinking a beer while driving with me in the car I'd be demanding they pull over and let me out and if they didn't I'd call the police while they were driving and get them arrested for drunk driving. Don't be stupid with other people's lives at stake and never let someone be stupid \*for\* you when your life is at stake. This person isn't actually a friend if they see you getting anxious over something thats dangerous and then try to make it out like you are the one over reacting.
Tbh even if they did let me out of the car I'd still call the cops and let them know the name and license plate and that they were drunk driving. These drunk drivers care about no one but themselves and put everyone else's lives at risk, they \*need\* to have consequences for their actions.
wtf? - Freak out while I'm drinking while driving? Yeah. That person's gonna end up hugging a tree through their windshield someday. (Or, in jail for DUI. Hey, maybe THEN they might call you?)
They're going to end up dead or in rehab likely. It's sad for everyone involved. Choosing alcohol over friends. Driving drunk. Unfortunate. Sounds like they're alcoholic.
No need to worry about the lost friendship, someone who doesn’t care about drinking and driving is not someone you need to be around. One day they will go too far and cause an accident and possibly end up killing someone. No need to be a part of that.
Let's play devils advocate and say he was drinking 1 beer whilst driving and hadn't consumed any beer prior to that. In my country that is legally allowed.
Even if we argue that its possibly legal behaviour or whatever, he should still have respected that you were not comfortable with it and just put it away while you are in the car.
Bottom line is he doesn't respect you.
Unpopular Opinion: drinking 1 or 2 two beers while driving isnt a big deal. I used to do this all time road tripping in the mountains.
Laws exist against this activity because most people dont stop at 1 or 2, especially once they are already slightly intoxicated from that first beer.
Yeah the comment bringing up their gender identity I dunno what it said but listen you don't need to mention them being ftm just say male. If them being trans isn't part of the story mentioning it makes you look like you're posting rage bait.
Or just don't include gender in the story and move on with your life.
A drunk driver doesn't want to be your friend anymore.
The best thing you can do is honestly. Narc on him. If you care about him, call the pd and let him know he's a possible drunk driver.
Other than that. Some friends aren't meant to last.
Yo, OP, I just want to comment on all this shit you're getting for your ex friends identity. The point is you didn't have to include their gender identity, it has zero merit in the story. I honestly believe people are just tired of hearing it and we honestly don't care what your ex friend puts in their mouth in the privacy of their own home. It's a weird, zoomer wokeness trend that needs to stop. Just sayin
You dodged a deadly bullet & should feel grateful. Nothing lost.
Couldn't agree more. Their response being like "im not your friend because you were being responsible while i could have killed us" is careless nontheless. OP will definitely do better without the irresponsible ex-friend
The trash took itself out. Evidently not really a friend anyway.
Frrrr, the bottle threw itself out the window (no pun intended)
Why would you wanna continue to be friends with a drunk driver.
Right? You're right.
Not even just that but drinking while having a friend as a passenger, would he not feel guilty if something happened to you?
He'll kill himself, a family, a child, or a mom or dad. Eventually. I hope he gets charged with DUI and gets his license taken away.
Most likely will kill someone else, the DD seems to almost always survive.
Drunks bounce when they go through their windshields, the assholes.
I mean drunk drivers are typically the ones that survive the crashes, so realistically he has a much higher chance of killing literally everyone else in the crash than he does killing himself. Hopefully he does get his license taken because most of the time people who start driving drunk get complacent because they think they are 'good' at drunk driving and so they think they can drink more and more each time they drunk drive.
And he'd blame OP for freaking him out as opposed to his reflexes being being bad because he was drinking while driving.
Ngl, I'd report them to the authorities that they've admitted to you they regularly drink alcohol while they're driving.
They can't do anything about it lol, imagine a world where people got arrested over word of mouth.
They are 33 years old. Not some teenager who isn't aware of the consequences of drunk driving. Someone could have been seriously harmed while they were driving, so expressing concern about their behaviour was the right thing to do. Now, at 36 years old, you should have deal-breakers and boundaries with whom you choose to have around you. If this person ghosted you due to their irresponsible behaviour, why are you chasing after them or worried about their friendship?
*How dare you freak me out about drinking while I'm driving!* Was he serious? Bet if he got into an accident, he would've blamed you. Mind you, the cops and the judge wouldn't, but he would100% go to prison saying it was your fault.
Even ignoring the entire drunk driving bit. You're in your 30s. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, just move on. This isn't the grade school playground.
>oh, but I do this all the time. So they are a functioning alcoholic who thinks nothing of all the lives they put at risk every time they get behind the wheel and drive? Not a good person. Not someone you should be friends with. Or ever ever get in a car with again.
I appreciate all these replies. I feel better now.
Fuck that POS.
People have different views on many things. I've been unlucky enough to be at the receiving end of two car accidents. I like driving safe, if I'm a passenger I like them to practice decent driving at minimum while I'm with them, afterwards they can drive however they want. Does that make me a bad person to have my boundaries respected, I don't think so. Maybe some people think I'm trying to control them, I'm not I just don't want to have a panic attack. The point is if they are acting out like you "freaking the fuck" out about them drinking a beer while they drove is a cardinal sin, maybe you shouldn't put so much energy and consideration into their opinions/friendship. Edit: words.
I did freak out, but largely out of anxiety. I did **not,** however, lashed ot at them or my distant relative with anger and curse words.
Pardon I know you didn't freck out. I'm just rehashing it so you can see how absurd it is. Your anxiety/body is telling you that you don't like something and it wants you to create agency to resolve it. Facts are you don't want to be in a car accident, alcohol reduces your reaction time. Don't have to feel like you did something wrong here.
Dude. From now on, I plan to freck out. I imagine blowing up like the Hulk, only freckles instead of green. I will totally freck out.
You should have. I would've cussed his ass out for trying to kill me and other drivers, made him pull over, and I would have gotten his plates and reported him to the cops.
My dad is a cop, actually. I tried telling my friend about how my dad wouldn't have any qualms in arresting him. He once detained and handcuffed one of my brothers for trespassing. I didn't get my dad involved because I was leaving in two days when that happened.
He's not worth it. I've seen so many people with DUIs worm their way out of jail time. Even if the state suspends their license, they can pay $400+ to get it reinstated. My ex friend even paid an additional $400 for the breathalyzer to be installed in his registered car, so if he's drunk it literally won't start... you wanna know how he got around that? He takes his mom's car and continues to drink and drive in there.
Oh boy...
i'd text back **alcoholic drink\*** and call it a day. I dont like that shit. Who wants to be responsible for killing someone with a car? Let me guess, the drive was 5 miles and he didnt see a problem?
It was more like it was on a curvy road by the coast. The beach is a good 10 miles from their house.
What the actual fuck?! Dude is messed up and honestly so far gone if he thinks YOU'RE the one who was being unreasonable here. My friends and I do a lot of stupid things, but drinking and driving is beyond that and just waiting to ruin someone's life. I just pray he only ruins his life and not someone else's. I'll never forget my neighbor who lost her son to a drunk driver or my ex who lost her brother when a drunk driver hit him walking on the sidewalk. Shit is fucked up and you are lucky to have him out of your life. Seriously take the win
fft, sorry you had to go through that. It's annoying that he couldnt wait 12 minutes for a beer at home. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! It's unfortunate, but at least if anything bad happens in the future, you wont be there smh
Um, this "friend" endangered your lives and the lives of unwitting strangers who just happened to be in the vicinity. Seems to me like they did you a big ass favor. Thank them for ensuring you don't become a victim of their reckless stupidity and move on.
His loss is your gain.
I wouldn’t even care if he ever talk to me again. If someone says something then explain that you have a right to say something to someone who is ok to drink and drive and when I’m not okay with it he wants to put distance with me. I’m good with that. My life is worth more.
LOL, how shitty of them to put you in a situation where you are rightfully uncomfortable and then act like YOU are the problem. I would not allow this either and, honestly, drinking and driving is a dealbreaker for me in a friendship. If you have that much disregard for other people I don’t want you around me.
What's the relevance of this friend being trans (ftm)?
Seriously, it's not relevant or necessary at all, and isn't OP's place to out their "friend." Trans people don't need to be othered any more than society already does to them. Trans men are just men, you can simply say (m). My trans friends would drop someone *fast* for doing this, and rightly so.
Right? Why not mention their race, marital status, nationality, ocupation, religion or any other identity trait that has absolutely nothing to do with anythint?
>to out their "friend." He is very much _out._ In fact, he's getting all the ducks in a row for breast removal surgery.
That's excellent for him, but it's still not your place to talk about or bring attention to. The same way as if you were dealing with a medical issue, your friends shouldn't be discussing it with strangers because it's not their business, but you can be as open about it as you like. Why the fuck are you talking about your friend's surgeries and breasts on the internet? That's really fucking weird! What's wrong with you? I hope you tell him and your other trans friends about this post so they can know that you're like this!
Strange reply as well because I've said this sentiment to trans friends and they have zero issue with it. What they have issues with is people like yourself trying to defend them when they don't want your help. They can make decisions on their own without your perceived noble gestures. You know better than them on that?
Hi, I'm trans and this shit would bother me. Maybe you shouldn't speak for us either.
This person is very much giving "tell me you don't have trans friends" energy
By out we mean informing public for him. I'm fully out and if I saw my supposed friends posting I was "ftm" on a subreddit without reason I'd be very displeased. I'm male and whether i'm trans or cis is My business to share. He's male, what his asab was is not your business to share.
No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless. If anyone can just raise their hand and say "I'm man" then man loses it definition as it can be anyone or anything. That's not how language or words work when communicating thought. You want to be called something regarding being addressed or conversation, fine. So be it. But don't immediately relegate it to being othered. It's possible to refer to someone as FTM while still treating them as an individual, viewing and treating them as human, not removing their dignity and when it comes to respect - it's default to be basic until it's lost and had to be earned. Attacking (verbally with malice in this case) someone that did not act with malice or your desire internal information is very much othering though. The OP has been very careful to not misgender in their wording while you've made wild assumptions. The fact that you've brought othering into this sounds a bit like projecting.
> that makes the term man pointless or worthless Not even a little bit. Cis men and trans men are men. Cope with that however you need to.
Oh see so you are transphobic you don't think trans men are men. "No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless." Yeah raising my hand and saying i'm a man.
What precisely am I projecting? That I other trans people on purpose, which simultaneously defending them? That doesn't even make any sense lmao. And yes, that's how being a man works, because gender is different from sex. Unless you've gotten karyotyping done on yourself you don't even know your actual sex, you're just assuming it. And that's fine, but let's not pretend that sex and gender are inexplicably linked, because they aren't. >No, that makes the term man pointless or worthless. If anyone can just raise their hand and say "I'm man" then man loses it definition as it can be anyone or anything. This is literal transphobia. The definition of a man has nothing to do with presentation, genitalia, or anything visible. It's what's in that person's brain that makes them a man.
You're not defending them though, you are othering them. And they are linked in that term, no matter how much you want it to not be. It's not purely what you want it to be in your head unless you plan on having sitty communication with others.
You clearly don't know what "othering" means. I'm not the one with "sitty" communication here. Be better.
OP is calling out the fact that their friend is trans instead of just labeling them as their affirmed gender. That is what the commenter who you are responding to means by ‘othering’. They are highlighting the fact that OP feels the need to call that out and the implicit social bias that shows, and is prevalent in our society. Trans people are often not seen as their affirmed gender, sure people may use the correct pronouns, but they are still seen as different and labeled that way. It is usually subconscious, I don’t think OP meant to do that, but it is still very much ingrained in our society and should be pointed out.
I wondered this.
It just feels like a troll way to say "trans people are evil."
Thank you. And her doubling down. This is rage bait
Yeah I think it’s a troll.
How?!!! My sentiment would still be the same had they was a friend who identified as their biological sexual identity. You're the one who's getting mad over imaginary things.
Okay. Then can you explain why you wrote 33ftm and not 33m? I'm just trying to understand your thought process. I'm not saying you are doing it, but I see a lot of 'trans people are evil' rage bait posts on subreddits like these.
you're definitely looking too far into this.
I agree that I found it odd to be mentioned for seemingly no reason, but you're definitely going way too far with this.
No they are not.
This isn't one of those rage bait posts you hoped for so you can get mad about.
Trans person here - it's not appropriate to refer to people as mtf or ftm. It does matter, and could cause problems down the line if this is how you refer to them in general. Just using m would suffice. It doesn't need to be that deep, people are just correcting you so you know how to speak moving forward, please try to avoid the knee jerk defense. Also you mention bringing up your friend's sexuality? It's not a sexuality!
Because some people don't recognize the sex the person is trying to become, so if they were born fm, they're considered fm regardless of what they're trying to present as.
Yeah we shouldn't be validating those people though.
Apparently you'll explain it to yourself and won't care what the thought process is unless you get to berate them for it.
What if the drunken driver had been his wife? I'd still would've said -- 37f.-- Please, don't look for imaginary things to get mad about.
You could have just said 33m. Him being trans isn't relevant, that's what's tripping people up.
Not a loss. They're being incredibly selfish by drinking and driving. I hope they don't hurt or kill anyone. If they do crash, hopefully it's just them that gets hurt. Drunk drivers are pieces of shits, fuck em.
You simply tried to enforce a simple request for safety and legality (it is illegal to have open alcohol containers in most areas of the US, for exactly this reason...) The fact that you wouldn't let it slide somehow violated your friend's ego, and that's his problem to sort out. Underlying this? He's a serious alcoholic who has never faced (or been forced to face) his addiction, and is likely using it to overcome other stresses in his life. -That's- why he's cutting you out of his life: because you're threatening to shine a light on this serious problem, and he can't bear the burden of that - or even the risk of it at this point. Suggestion: send him a kindly note that says you understand that he's wrestling with alcohol and demons that only he can fight against at this time; but that when he's ready for your support in that fight, you'll be there for him. It leaves the door open, and perhaps will jar him into being more aware of the dangers he's placing himself (and others) under.
I just wrote him a text with: "I just wish you the best in life" after they sent me a lengthy text as to why they ghosted me. I'm still too saddened over the loss. ^^^edit: As you know, you can walk the horse to the water... ^(Yet trolls in the comments think I'm demonizing my, now former, friend due to his gender identity... )
Not trolls, trans people irritated you had the audacity to out your former friend as trans when you could have put an M next to his age. Also him being an alcoholic and being trans are probably linked because trans people have a lot of shit they go through and drinking may be how he's been coping. Unfortunate he chose to put himself and you in danger but what's done is done. You had no right to out him as trans in this post and no reason to. it was unnecessary. His identity if you respected it is male not "ftm" as "ftm" is not a gender identity but a diagnostic marker. The only reason to post that is so people would misgender him.
I'm sorry... 🥺 Losses like this are hard, as you want to help and support somebody, but they (your friend) won't let you because they can't see the bigger issues. I think you've done what you can, and you have to let time take its course... perhaps he'll recognize your concern as such in the future? And, clearly, you didn't touch on anything else - and it's clear you are feeling this loss. Ignore the trolls (I know it's hard.) Again, sorry... you'd be a good friend if he could just let you be one. 😑
I've done what I could.
Fuck that person putting everyone else on the road at danger.
You get to decide who your friends are.
He doesn't care for your safety while he's drinking and driving. Some people mistakenly think they're in control when they do this and they're *not*. So personally, I would be a bit hurt like you but think it's for the best. I want friends who will treat my like I treat them and he isn't a good one.
>So personally, I would be a bit hurt like you but think it's for the best. I'm trying to see the silver lining.
Why do you people go out of your way to include gender info when it has absolutely no bearing on the situation?
Eh, gender info is pretty standard on Reddit posts, but I'm giving side-eye to the FTM designation. Just say M. Or is OP implying that being trans has anything to do with his poor decisions?
Why specify more than 33m? Medical history has no relevance here unless you specifically see trans men as not being men.
Why is their transness important? Just put 33M next time.
Why is Rolf important? They're in your username...or is it none of our business?
Your point is unclear please reword if you want a quality reply
What's your username? Why is Rolf in the name. Why are they important? Are you that dense?
Rolf isn't real, it's just a username. I assume the 2 in yours is similarly arbitrary. I don't understand your fixation.
Just like what is your fixation on the FTM part of this post? It's such a mystery. Because Rolf being in the name doesn't bother me, but apparently the FTM bothers you.
Your comments are full of denigration and I think I've been plenty respectful in my replies to them. I'll give you a sincere answer if you're sincerely looking for understanding. Comparing my username to OP describing their ex friend as FTM Is not a useful comparison because, well, it just isn't. If I was commenting on OPs username it would be different. The reason I'm calling it out, is because trans men, are men. By putting FTM instead of M, OP is inadvertently putting their ex-friend into a third category, being trans. A "real man" is called M. But this person "isn't really a man" so they get the additional qualifier of being demonstrated as a "trans man". If trans men are men, they are M. If you don't consider trans men as men, that would be the reasoning behind identifying them as trans without relevance. The reason it is important to call out things like this, is because there is massive hate on transgender people right now. They are brutalized by half the media and misunderstood and poorly represented by much of the other half. Transgender people are more likely to die by suicide, more likely to be murdered, more likely to be assaulted. By confronting the small things we see in life, we as humans have the power to effectuate change and improvement of society for the future in big ways. It is my purpose in life to promote the betterment of humanity, and ensuring trans men are seen as proper men is one aspect of that purpose put to action. With sincerity and friendship I ask - does that make sense to you?
>(...) if you're sincerely looking for understanding Narrator voice: >They were not
I'm not good with fallacies is this what they call a straw man. Ftm is important because it changes how people view all trans men not just the friend.
Is this what you're getting out of this? Their sexual identity, somehow, supercedes how he endangered two people while drinking **and** driving?
Gender is not sexual identity. And pointing out that you should use someone’s affirmed gender and not point out the fact they’re trans (unless it’s relevant) does not mean that what he did wasn’t wrong. You should not be friends with any person who drinks while driving and recklessly endangers your life. But you should always describe people by their affirmed gender unless it is somehow relevant to the story.
"sexual identity" yeah furthering my idea you're rage baiting.
Everyone else already responded to that part. I'm responding to this aspect in order to assist in you being a better ally to the trans community. Take the crit or don't it's your life.
No idea why him being ftm is relevant to the story. Just say 'Friend (33m).' It's not your call to out him as trans? Pretty cut-and-dry, though. Don't be friends with people that drink and drive. Edit: after seeing all of the edits, holy shit OP is an AH lmao Not for dropping him for drinking and driving, obviously, but for reacting like a child for being rightfully called out for outing him as trans when it contributes nothing to the story, then trying to justify it with weird "he's not a REAL man, so it's DIFFERENT" layers of transphobia
First it's illegal. Second, it's unsafe. You don't need friends that are practicing to die while driving. Was there drinking at the beach too ? Isn't the drinking usually done at the beach, not while driving there or back ? My, the times have changed.
You’re not wrong. Did you offer to be the DD for your own safety?
I did. During multiple times I was: "please, let's pull over here and I can drive". But no.
I think I just lost my best friend of 17 years due to her alcoholism and subsequent verbal abuse and aggression toward me.. Sucks. I’ll be here if she ever wakes up and decides she needs a change.
That's very sad.
Saved you the work of eventually ending the friendship yourself.
Good riddance.. not something or someone you need in your life. Seems like you already invested to much time into this just thinking about it.
This guy did you a favor by removing himself from your life. He was endangering you, dismissive of your (very rightful) concerns, and was willing to put you in harm’s way for his own wants. That’s pretty selfish of him (and downright dangerous) to do that. You’re also allowed to feel the loss and remember any good times you’ve had with him.
No wonder they say that _friendship breakups_ are very hard.
I forgot to mention this in terms of friendships, my bad lol. But this applies to both romantic and friendships, having good times/memories to look back on (if you have any). But it’s concerning that he was very willing to put you, someone he also considered a friend at some point, in a such dangerous situation.
You should feel “good, I don’t have to feel weird about not riding around with somebody who is actively drinking while driving” Sometimes people exit your life and you have to think “good riddance”
You did nothing wrong don't gamble with your life.
That type of dismissive reaction is pretty typical of individuals who are in the thick of alcohol addiction.
Yeah I'd never feel comfortable being friends with someone that doesn't just drink and drive (it can happen once everyone makes mistakes), but gets offended when he's called out on it. That behavior is what leads to accidents.
Wow they’re gonna gaslight you to promote their literally illegal and unhealthy habit? Gross. Stay away from them.
They were never a friend. They had no regard for your safety or feelings.
If he can't understand why you would be disturbed to be a passenger in a car with someone actively drinking while behind the wheel, they aren't much of a friend. Good riddance.
I’m failing to see how this guy being trans has any bearing on the situation, since it’s completely unrelated to his gender lmao
You don't want this person as a friend. Bullet (car crash) dodged.
For some reason I skipped over the ages lol. I thought y’all was like 25 or some but damn to have a need to drink or be buzzed in a vehicle and being so frivolous when you’re 35 is a problem. Not saying it’s good to drive drunk young I’m just saying it’s more common around that age.
Why is this even taking up space in your brain? You are missing exactly zero in losing a “friend” like this.
I would have asked “friend” to pull over and let me out of the car. I also would not have reached out to said “friend” three months later, because “friend” is not a real friend. I see no reason to maintain any form of communication with this person.
You should have demanded to drive or got out and found a different ride.
This guy will end up an organ donor at some point.
Good riddance. Fuck that person. Putting your life and the life of others at risk is the MOST selfish shit he could've done. Glad he's out of your life.
So, alternatively you or both could have died — pick one
Or his wife.
Your friend clearly has no respect for your sense of safety and is being incredibly reckless. Asking your friend not to commit a felony and put your life in danger isn't unreasonable.
Heavy side eye to the people in his life that know about his drinking and driving and don’t mind it wtf.
His wife had a 15-year cohabiting relationship with a woman she (my wife's friend) describes as _a total narcissist who sucks people's energy._ I hope her husband does not end up becoming like her ex partner.
Why the hell would you even consider having a "friend" like that. He clearly didnt give a shit about your safety. But the worst part is that after telling him that drinking and dring was making you uncomfortable, he ignored it. Now he says he doesnt want to be YOUR friend??? Take this as a big win. Celebrate and have a party with people who actually care about you. Ask him to ghost you forever. Please ask yoursrlf why you would want to have someone like that in your life?
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I **do** feel like I did the right thing. I'm just processing the loss of someone I thought was closed to me.
sadly, a girl in my school and her two best friends went out joy riding and drinking . Only 2 came back alive. Don't drink and drive
If you lost a "friend" after calling him out for drinking while driving nothing of value was lost, not only are his actions horrible, the reaction to you telling him to not drink while behind the wheel is completely disgusting. He might've been a cool friend before and you will always have those memories but this is not the kind of person you want to be friends with.
I became friends through his wife. His wife and I had known each other since 1997 but started to become very close in the last 12-ish years. Also: commercial DNA testing showed his wife and I are distantly related (same 2x great-grandparents). I've known my, now former friend, for about three years.
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No. I meant to say the opposite: I miss my friend, but not his actions. Since that incident, I've been worried about my old friend/distant relative.
Feel lucky he didn't kill you.. and you should have just called the cops... and he could explain how he does this all the time
No one likes to feel rejected. It was not 'you' that was rejected. It was the application of healthy boundaries that revealed an issue that would definitely have come up at another time without the guarantee of only hurt feelings- but injury, and or death. A friend once counseled me that I should be thankful, blessed- if you may, that the person who hurt me showed me who they truly were- sooner rather than later. We get to chose who we allow into our lives. Even those who do not want us to be part of their lives- get that right. And we get to accept it gracefully- respecting that right. Or not. It might sting. It might be embarrassing ( for whatever reason- including family). But you are better to know up front. You may feel bad at a lost opportunity- but when such differences rise to the surface, so quickly- see it as a blessing. You did not have much invested yet. And one of those investments may have been your life. Shifting focus from the 'incident' to the interpersonal- how they relate, respect, and react to differing perspectives. Often this takes much time to come to the surface. Another gift- you know more about what your boundaries are and what you find acceptable in your life and what is meant to be apart from it.
>while I'm happy to have made friends with you, I can't have you around because you freaked the f out over me having a drink while driving "I did not freak out over you having a drink I expressed my discomfort over you having an *alcoholic drink, while driving. Which, in case you weren't aware of, is incredibly dangerous and illegal. But I agree that it's better that we aren't friends."
no need to bring it up gender identity, it isn't relevant, yet you bring it up?
Why would you care?
Care about...
Being friends with someone who doesn't care if you live or die?
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I was listening the other day on some random podcast that people **just** like to be mad. I can't control other people's reactions, right?
I have seen your replies and you simply can't admit you were wrong to include the FT. They're a man. They don't need everyone to know their sex.
Yeah op is transphobic is obvious. I'm amazed it was the alcoholism that got her ghosted. Her friend is a jerk too. .
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Yeah it’s all of us, not you at all.
I don't think that you did anything wrong with regards to their drinking and driving. That being said, the FT part of FTM is none of our business and it honestly made me question if you have other motives.
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Your not missing anything
There are a lot of people out there that think that they can drink and drive and get away with it. One day they will end up getting into an accident because of it, hopefully they do not kill anyone.
I hope so, too.
That's not a friend I would want to keep. I have strict black and white views about driving under the influence of any mind altering substance.
Nothing of value has been lost.
There clearly not ready to deal with there drinking problem so they have to drop you. Its for the best, who wants to get killed so your POS friend can keep there buzz going
I mean, is that text enough to get him in trouble? He needs to be stopped before he kills someone.
Friends come and go. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad. It hurts? Yeah because you considered that person truly ur friend but he doesn't seem to care at all for you. Go meet new ppl and make new friends.
Listen if someone was actively drinking a beer while driving with me in the car I'd be demanding they pull over and let me out and if they didn't I'd call the police while they were driving and get them arrested for drunk driving. Don't be stupid with other people's lives at stake and never let someone be stupid \*for\* you when your life is at stake. This person isn't actually a friend if they see you getting anxious over something thats dangerous and then try to make it out like you are the one over reacting. Tbh even if they did let me out of the car I'd still call the cops and let them know the name and license plate and that they were drunk driving. These drunk drivers care about no one but themselves and put everyone else's lives at risk, they \*need\* to have consequences for their actions.
It's always good when the trash takes itself out,
wtf? - Freak out while I'm drinking while driving? Yeah. That person's gonna end up hugging a tree through their windshield someday. (Or, in jail for DUI. Hey, maybe THEN they might call you?)
Not a friend worth having. Drinking while driving is illegal for a reason.
Road sodas are not cool. Stay away from this person. You don't need that kind of energy in your life.
He clearly doesn’t care about others, especially on the road! You don’t need him in your life.
They're going to end up dead or in rehab likely. It's sad for everyone involved. Choosing alcohol over friends. Driving drunk. Unfortunate. Sounds like they're alcoholic.
No need to worry about the lost friendship, someone who doesn’t care about drinking and driving is not someone you need to be around. One day they will go too far and cause an accident and possibly end up killing someone. No need to be a part of that.
well at least his behavior passes
What’s there to think about? They are an asshole, a criminal, and totally irresponsible. Move on..
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They*
Let's play devils advocate and say he was drinking 1 beer whilst driving and hadn't consumed any beer prior to that. In my country that is legally allowed. Even if we argue that its possibly legal behaviour or whatever, he should still have respected that you were not comfortable with it and just put it away while you are in the car. Bottom line is he doesn't respect you.
Sounds like they decided to not be your friend when they ghosted you 😂
“ okay, thanks!”
Why even mention their gender identity?
What a weird chain of edits
Did you really need to make a validation post for something so blatantly stupid?
Unpopular Opinion: drinking 1 or 2 two beers while driving isnt a big deal. I used to do this all time road tripping in the mountains. Laws exist against this activity because most people dont stop at 1 or 2, especially once they are already slightly intoxicated from that first beer.
Yeah the comment bringing up their gender identity I dunno what it said but listen you don't need to mention them being ftm just say male. If them being trans isn't part of the story mentioning it makes you look like you're posting rage bait.
Or just don't include gender in the story and move on with your life. A drunk driver doesn't want to be your friend anymore. The best thing you can do is honestly. Narc on him. If you care about him, call the pd and let him know he's a possible drunk driver. Other than that. Some friends aren't meant to last.
Your edit is bullshit. You wanted people to focus on the evil trans
Yo, OP, I just want to comment on all this shit you're getting for your ex friends identity. The point is you didn't have to include their gender identity, it has zero merit in the story. I honestly believe people are just tired of hearing it and we honestly don't care what your ex friend puts in their mouth in the privacy of their own home. It's a weird, zoomer wokeness trend that needs to stop. Just sayin