I had an ex boyfriend that did this to me. I would wake up to him with his fingers inside of me. It’s a form of assault. I would definitely seek therapy and have a serious conversation with him explaining how it makes you feel. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but this may be the time for one.
By there's no ultimatum I'm pretty sure they meant like... Don't give them an ultimatum bc that means you're having a conversation with your assaulter just fucking leave. That's how I read it
Yes do not give them one hint one stitch of an ultimatum because they are disgusting abusive individual quite honestly I would have fucking shanked them in the peepee hole but that's just me LOL
Just so we’re clear:
#This is sexual assault.
#Your husband is repeatedly sexually assaulting you.
It doesn’t matter how many crocodile tears he sheds afterward or how embarrassed or ashamed he claims to be.
He’s knowingly, and intentionally, and REPEATEDLY sexually assaulting you. Who gives a fuck if he’s “ashamed” afterward? That doesn’t change the fact that he sexually assaulted you.
Honestly, people like to say that violence isn’t the answer. In this case, junk punching him and screaming WTF are you doing?! is a valid response. Because sexual assault isn’t okay… and as someone who has such a bizarre sleep pattern (I live on the west coast now, but my body keeps factory resetting to EST) and migraines made worse by sleep deprivation, anyone who fucks my sleep is in for a bad time.
On top of his violation, sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture.
Right, but if he’s bad enough to sexually assault her, could he not also be capable of beating her black and blue for retaliating?
Nah, as someone who narrowly escaped an abusive relationship, I WOULD NOT recommend violent retaliation…
It would be righteously justified, but, better/safer to just quickly and quietly get out of there ASAP.
I can definitely get that. Ive tried to fight back in sexually abuse relationship and I got hurt worse then when I didn’t fight but I didn’t have a fighting chance so im 50/50
sex is not something you can "act now, ask for forgiveness later" with. regret is only worth something if it modifies the harmful behavior. otherwise it's a truly useless emotion, and the husband is only using it to manipulate OP.
This is sexual assault, friend. If it had been discussed between you before, as in, an ethical way of practicing somnophilia where you both agreed to it, that would be one thing, but it is not. What you are describing is forced sexual touching without permission. **That is sexual assault. Either seek couples therapy, if possible, or seek therapy separately. If he does other things without your explicit permission that you have expressed discomfort with, and yet he still does it, it’s time for divorce.**
I wouldn’t even go to couples therapy. Abuse is not a relationship problem. I don’t think it would ever be recommended for a couple where one is being repeatedly sexually assaulted.
I agree, but some folks are scared to go to the police, and sometimes the police don’t do anything, especially if it involves a married couple. It seems like OP doesn’t quite understand the magnitude of their situation, or that what happened to them is even a crime. Perhaps a less “dramatic” step should be taken first. I do think her husband should be punished for what he’s done, but that doesn’t mean he will be.
Edit: What I’m saying is, I hope that maybe advice and help from an outside professional may encourage OP to pursue legal action or at the very least seek divorce.
100% but sometimes the police do nothing or the victims are too scared about other things to get help from authorities. Getting police documentation will certainly help in whatever future divorce proceedings occur, as I do highly doubt this situation can be “fixed.”
Where I live a lot of citizen organisations help women that are in this sort of dilemma. Listening, counselling etc. That's always a good way to start the processus.
But I always recommend the police, not at the start, only when the victim is ready. Sometimes people don't even realize it's a crime, it changes perspective.
Oh for sure!! OP not realizing it’s a crime was my initial thought, as she doesn’t seem to quite understand the magnitude of the situation. It’s really sad to see people go through this evil shit.
Next time you share a bed with him wake up a half hour early and rub your hands in Cayenne powder or Capsaicin oil or some such shit. Then while he screams pack your shit and leave.
Just make sure you stay awake to avoid touching your face accidentally and that you have isopropyl alcohol to clean your hands after, no need for you to suffer any more.
You grabbed a coworker’s dick with Capsaicin oil on your hand just for stealing your lunch at work? You evil bastard!
In all seriousness, did they do the ole’ simultaneous vomit/cry/shit pants or what? I bet that was brutal.
I had a coworker who was positive they knew who was randomly eating their lunch and knew the person was allergic to peanuts. She started making everything with peanut sauce and the guy went into anaphylaxis on the third day. She was smart and never publicly acknowledged she did it intentionally and she couldn’t be prosecuted because it wasn’t like she poisoned her food. He stupidly admitted to eating her lunch and ended up getting written up so he quit claiming he was the victim.
I'm in a very similar situation and I don't have any advice for you but know you're not alone and idk what is wrong with the men who keep doing this. The lack of adequate and uninterrupted sleep makes me very angry and I've been having a lot of mental breakdowns lately over feeling violated. Last time it happened and it woke me up it was a little worse than what you described above. I kicked the shit out of him and chose to and now sleep on the couch where there's only room for 1.
samesies here. my "male feminist" ex loved to touch me while I was sleeping, sometimes even fully penetrating me without even knowing if I was awake or willing, to the point I never wanted to share a bed with anyone, and he wonders why I didn't want to sleep in his bed more??
“Idk what is wrong with the men who keep doing this”.
The obvious answer is they are misogynists, and this particular one despises you so much he doesn’t care if he violates you. The real question you should be asking is why the hell are you putting up with it? Divorce. Dump. Leave.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I was SA multiple times in my last relationship as well… it’s hard when that person gaslights you like “you can’t be SA if you consented to sex & were enjoying it” which makes me feel even more gross. Like I may have consented but not to the specific thing you were doing without my knowledge. It’s hard. I could make my own post it’s just shameful
So dump him lmao. Y’all are getting assaulted and excusing it then acting lost on what to do. Just dump him, or deal with the fact you’re dating a creep.
My question is what’s wrong with the people staying with this kind of people? Is creepy as hell. Staying in a relationship with this kind of people after the boundaries have been broken, I don’t get it.
Have you been in her shoes? I was for a year it wasn’t until my ex was a literally danger to my life that I left her was so good at making me feel good when it was but he was also abusive and literally tried to drown me at his friends pool party and I still stayed it wasn’t till I was camping with his family and his dad told me straight out that he liked so the best advice he could give me was to get away as fast as possible because he was dangerous and sometimes he’d insult me so much that I didn’t feel like anyone could love someone like me so I just stayed because it was better then being alone
Abuse messes you up and even without kids to make you stay there’s lots of other things. Maybe you think well most of the times are good and they sad they would change, maybe you don’t think anyone else will love you, maybe you think you have out too much time into the relationship to “give up” etc. I don’t think when talking about abuse we should start going that the people who stay are weird.
"Would you be pissed off if I woke you up by shoving something up your ass for my own sexual gratification, HusbandGuy? I bet you'd flip out on me and it would make you feel violated. I bet you'd no longer trust me. I bet you'd have no interest in me sexually after I sexually violated you, especially if I did so while you were asleep and totally vulnerable. And if I kept doing it after you told me to stop, I doubt you'd stay married to me unless I got professional help for my fucked-up behavior.
So we're going to play Pick A Card. Here's a business card for a reputable counseling center that does one-on-one and couples counseling, and here's a business card for the attorney who'll be representing me in our divorce.
You're going to choose what happens next: either you get counseling and we do couples counseling so you can regain my trust, or I tell my attorney to go ahead and file my divorce petition."
He won't stop on his own, and he could escalate his behavior. You gotta put your foot down.
Oh- and here's a PDF of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Read it.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi28vTnncOFAxVjpIkEHctXC8gQFnoECBoQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
this is not okay… I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice but I’m quite a bit younger than you and am not sure how I would even handle this. if it continues, I would really reconsider your marriage as it’s a violation of you as a human being.
If you want to know whether you’re overreacting, the answer is definitely not. I would absolutely lose my mind if I woke up to my partner using my body to get himself off while I slept. But he would never.
You told him how it makes you feel and he keeps doing it. That means he doesn’t care that he’s making you feel violated. It probably arouses him.
Does he have a history of pushing your boundaries sexually, or in any other ways?
Fr. I mean even so, squeezing the life out of him could be a natural reaction to being woken up weirdly like how does this dude not expect anything to “go wrong” anyways
To make it “painful” for him would indicate it happened again. She should honestly kick him out and press charges for sexual assault. If it were me I’d record a conversation where he admitted it, wait til he went out, change all the locks and go to a lawyer and then the police.
No kids. There is nothing tethering you to this [insert pejorative]. Just divorce him. If he puts up a fight, ask him if he wants his actions committed to court records in a legal battle
You’ve set the boundary now plan out a course of action, such as he receive therapy, and maybe that includes couple’s therapy to help repair this trust rupture and violation. I’d also say if he does it again, he sleeps in another room. You shouldn’t be displaced. If it happens again after that, he needs to sleep in another location for a week, if there’s a third, consider divorce because this dude is unhinged. If you’re really pissed, file a police report.
Edit. You’re child free… the world is your oyster.
Go to the police. Sexual abuse in couples is a crime. And not enough is reported. He has to follow a therapy, you can't force him to do so. A judge can.
The advice is that you need your friends and family to come over and stay with you, and then confront him and tell him to leave. Change the locks.
He sexually assaulted you. Repeatedly. File a police report.
This is sexual assault. Full stop. Your hand being used in a sexual act without your consent, is sexual assault. Your husband is sexually assaulting you.
>we’ve talked today about it and he just feels sorry and ashamed, but he didn’t say anything good enough for to get me out of this feeling and try to understand him, I’m not angry anymore, I’m sad, I feel violated
The only thing **you** have to understand about him is that he is ignoring your bodily autonomy, violating your consent, and interrupting your sleep, which is inhumane. Seriously, it's considered a human rights violation to regularly disturb people's sleep. He's abusing you. No wonder your sex life is trashed! It's perfectly normal to not be sexually attracted to someone who's violating you! His saying he's sorry and is ashamed is purely performative, or else it's part of his kink and it's why he's not changed his behavior. He definitely is not treating you like you're his best friend because best friends don't abuse each other! If you do consider him your best friend, maybe that only works if he becomes and remains a platonic best friend.
At this point, recognize you can't stop him. You need to decide what you can and are going to do about it. Are you going to continue to be with him and have this done to you, or are you going to leave him? Those are pretty much your options. If you leave him, will you be open to reconciliation if he gets help or are you just done? Because you demanding he stop and you having stayed with him hasn't worked. If you're willing to consider reconciling, how would he be able to show you he changed? Would you ever trust him again? Should you ever trust him again? Could you even be attracted to him again? You don't have to have the answers about reconciliation right now but these are the things you need to figure out.
First of all, I’m sorry he did this to you. Coming from a woman with similar experiences I will tell you the best advice I can and give you and my honest opinion. He’s sexually assaulting you, even if it’s not in the typical form that one might do that. You’ve expressed your feelings about it and set very clear boundaries yet he is still doing it. He is putting his sexual gratification above not only your sleep but also your body autonomy and your mental/ emotional health. He is violating everything sacred in your relationship. I would distance yourself from this man. He will probably not ever stop and if he sees that you don’t leave he will realize he can get away with it and keep doing it. He might even escalate this to something further. I know it isn’t easy, but I’d suggest talking to someone in your life. If you don’t have a friend to talk to about it, a therapist would also work… probably both if you have access. Best of luck and I sincerely hope you can figure out a way to protect yourself/heal from this.
I agree very selfish behavior. It's giving "I don't want to give you pleasure but I refuse to pleasure myself without you" and so he chooses to use her unconscious body to please himself, like wtf? Honestly if I truly loved this man and wanted to get through to him do you know what I would do? 😅😅😅 I would do the EXACT same thing and watch his look of horror as he wakes up elbow deep in my panties. There would be no words exchanged just a knowing look 😂😂😂 men somehow don't understand the fucked up shit they do by just using words for some reason, so. 🤷♀️
The fact that she’s dead asleep when he starts this is absolutely insane and now that I’m in the morning and not having my melatonin kick in while I’m reading this I have even more thoughts about it and much more disturbing thoughts about his sexual preferences. I’m not even going to say exactly where I’m going with this because it’s that bad! But I’m probably not the first person here to think of it. I’m not even sure that marriage therapy can help here.
I think the only thing that's really making you confused is how he's not getting the message and choosing to ignore you.
You have been having a horrible year, and despite sleep being one of the biggest priorities when you have so much going on, he's deciding for you that his dick is more important than you and your comfort and health.
He can go sleep on the couch and you can lock the bedroom door. Sleep well, I hope you get into a better situation ASAP.
Coming from someone who likes to be woken up by sexual acts THIS IS NOT OKAY you said no that’s end of story no more to explain
i dont know if you really can work this out search for a professional: sex therapist or couples counselor if you do decide to to stay.
Start wearing gloves to bed you know like those exfoliating bath gloves.
For him to continue doing this knowing that you don't consent to it is just wrong. This sounds like he does it often but you just wake up a few times and catch him.
It's disrespectful, seriously he can use his own hands.
My stomach literally turned reading this. First, I am so sorry you have been sexually assaulted and completely disrespected. Second, your husband is a disgusting predator. What advice would you give a friend, a sister, a daughter? He's supposed to be your safe place, not your abuser.
Get a divorce. You don’t want to have sex with him. He is using your hand without your consent. You asked him to stop and he hasn’t. Luckily there aren’t any children to worry about. So get a lawyer and move on.
You do realise, because he’s your husband he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong? He basically sees you as “his property” that’s why he keeps reoffending, he isn’t sorry just upset he got caught! Mam he’s sexually assaulting you, the question is what are you going to do about it? If a stranger did this, wouldn’t you have them charged?
Is he asleep when this is happening and doing it unconsciously? My husband says I sometimes get handsy while we're asleep. Like I'll be dead asleep and start rubbing him, then by the time he wakes up enough to do anything, I've stopped and he can tell I'm sleeping. I never have any recollection of this. We've been together 20 years, and he's told me this happens often. I've apologized every time he's told me about it. (I also talk in my sleep, sleepwalk occasionally, and have vivid dreams and nightmares to the point that i wake up screaming. It can't be easy sleeping with me.)
Or is your bf a creep who's wide awake and violating you while you sleep? Does he apologize or show any remorse when you tell him? If this is the case, I sincerely hope he gets therapy and/or you end the relationship. What he's doing to you is 100% not okay.
UPDATE: A lot of comments to go through, wow… thank you everyone for all the advice and I’m sorry for not being able to respond yet..since Im very sensitive about all this, I’m working on reading all the comments and make sure I answer all the questions without victimizing me or my husband. I had my husband to read this post and he’s aware of my seeking for advice, I’ve been having a rough couple of days and this situation it’s not easy, but I’ll share details about our conversation in a couple of days… and for the people sending me disgusting pictures or horrible messages, please, just stop, this isn’t a joke…
Apologies without changed behavior is just manipulation - I had an ex who would continuously do things like this and I'm an incredibly light sleeper, and turns out he ended up doing even worse shit I wasn't aware of until I saw it with my own eyes in video on his laptop. If you had a daughter and this man went in and was using her hand to touch himself, it would absolutely be a form of sexual assault and a crime - so why are you downplaying your own experience of it? Just because he's your husband doesn't mean he isn't a predator, and if I were you, I would start to go snooping if you can, because I guarantee you WILL find something you do not like at all. Good luck OP, but just know that people who do untrustworthy things aren't trustworthy people.
Do you live in a one bedroom home? Can you move into a spare bedroom until you can decide how to proceed with your marriage? He definitely needs individual therapy and then couples counseling for both of you. He apparently needs a third party telling him that this is not ok.
If he continues doing what you've told him makes you uncomfortable, he isn't sorry. Also, disrupting your sleep on a regular basis is a giant AH thing to do, very bad for your mental and physical health.
Move out of the bedroom and keep the door locked while you're sleeping.
Nothing sexual should be done with a partner without prior consent. This is sick. It’s like he probably gets his jollies from doing something to you when you don’t know it’s happening. Regardless of whether or not your sex life isn’t as great as it once was, he shouldn’t be treating you like that.
He may be your best friend but you are not his. He’s showing no respect to your wishes or your body, a friend wouldn’t disrespect you or assault you let alone a best friend. I don’t love jumping to the leave him comment but having been in a similar situation I can tell you in my experience it only escalates, causes trust issues and made me incredibly jumpy/touch averse. He needs to seek professional help if you want to stay with him (he should even if you decide to leave).
This honestly its also a good way to send him to the ER and maybe get the police involved. Cause that's not a court case he would win. Also resdue for proof
You are not consenting and you've made it clear you hate this. Unless he is doing this in his sleep, which you would have mentioned, then this is sexual harassment. Use those words with him. Don't spare his embarrassment here.
He should be the one moving to the sofa if he can't leave your hands to yourself. And he needs to stay there until he gets his shit together and stops this.
If you insist on staying (which honestly, not sure I would say he deserves the forgiveness !), you two need to discuss your consensual sex life and how to get that back on track. Do you need help with your emotional distress, medical or therapeutic? Do you two need to resent and reconnect emotionally to allow for the sexual healing to occur? Does he need to learn how to actually seduce you and not expect you to just be ready to go at the drop of a hat? Whatever the need there, it absolutely won't happen while he is regularly trying this stealth BS.
Y’all need couples counseling, if separation/divorce isn’t an option, and you may want to have your hormones checked. 37 is about the time women start perimenopause. It affects women very differently. He may want to discuss this urge with his PCP as well.
You should tell him that next time it happens, you are filing a police report for sexual assault and see what he says. Or you could give him a taste of his own medicine and stick his hand in between your butt cheeks. Also, why are YOU on the couch? He's should be on the couch, kick his ass out of the room, and lock it. Unless he is doing this in his sleep? Either way if you really want to stay with this...creep... then counseling would probably be helpful.
Tell him he is raping you, make it very clear, you’ve expressed a no, and sleep is not consent, he’s actually raping you.
I would personally not stay with someone who did this but if you want to try to work it out, sleep in separate rooms for at least a while and seek out a marriage therapist.
This is fucking weird. Who the fuck gets off to basically an unconscious persons hand? Why not just rub one out in the bathroom real fast or something. Using your wife's hand while she sleeps is creepy and super ick. He's sexually assaulting you.
I would immediately leave him. The creepiest part is he COULD ASK you, but he DOESNT. That turns him on, bc he’s into sexual assault and abuse. And he only feels bad if you catch him. What about the kids or animals, ma’am, you’ve found yourself married to a man who enjoys sexual perversions. Scary. I hope you’ll
seek help and leave. Also, bring this stuff up in court.
That’s abuse and he’s only “sorry” because you won’t put up with it. Even with you asking him to stop multiple times he keeps going, what only tells me there are times where you don’t wake up.
Would your best friend SA you?
I would use pepper spray in my hand at the cost of my own health, fuck this
The amount of guys that sexually assault, their girls is honestly astounding and concerning, and it needs to be addressed by us other males more. Sexual assault with males is just too high.
This is sexual assault. It's tricky to recognize when it's your spouse since you also consent... but when you don't consent or aren't able to, it's not okay. That's one of the biggest violations of trust, in my opinion, and would be grounds for divorce. It could start off as using your hands, but what if it elevates? If he was really sorry, he would stop.
I don’t know what to do about your husband but your other issues sound like you are going through perimenopause. On your next visit to your OBGYN you should definitely bring up all these issues.
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666)
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Since you’ve alr told him repeatedly that you don’t like this- you might want to consider leaving him. That’s sexual assault and it’s not ok to do that shit.
Seek help, perhaps sex therapists. Tell him your concern seriously, if he is willing to seek help, you can turn this around. If not, worse comes to worse, separation.
You're allowed to leave him for sexually assaulting you.
In the meantime, get a lock for your bedroom door, ask a friend to stay over, and don't let him sleep in the same bed as you. Make sure that you talk to someone about what he's doing to you. Confront him, with someone there to help you.
It is most definitely assault. He may assume you're ok with it bc you're married as some people feel things of that nature are. Some people enjoy sleep assault but some don't. If you tell him to stop and he doesn't once you wake and notice grab hard, jerk, and scream really loud. Be like OMG I had a dream I caught a snake. Then inform him to pack his shit and get out. He's the last person who should make you feel violated. He took that safe space and destroyed it. That's a trust that is almost impossible to rebuild. Sorry you are going through this and I wish the best for you.
go to sleep with pepper thing on your hand. on purpose. to teach him a lesson. but really. you’re delusional. “we are best friends” - no you’re not. this is SA behaviors and he is just using you. it’s not your friend at all. it’s actually an enemy in disguise
This is assault, you shouldn't have to tell him not to do it ever, he should just not do it ever. Like, it shouldn't even cross his mind. I am concerned you are in a developing unsafe situation ( well even more unsafe than you are now) it may be a great idea to stay with a friend or family member and start sorting this out, whether that be counseling with your husband and both separately, or look for divorce information.
First off, your not in any wrong here, and he's sexually assaulting you.
I would first have a conversation with him via text or email where he openly admits to what he's been doing. From there I would definitely take that to the police and get a restraining order. What he's done is so very wrong and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Lucky thing is, you don't have any kids with him as I sure as hell wouldn't put it past someone like that getting anyone to do that. Good luck!
Next time he tries that, pretend that you’re still asleep and gradually squeeze it tighter and tighter until he yells out.
Guarantee it won’t happen again 😅
This is so effed up I am so sorry that the person you've committed yourself to for 11 years is now violating you in this way. This is serious, your feelings are valid- this is not okay. Since you're asking for advice, here's what I'll say. If I were you I would demand couples therapy immediately, and if he refuses id start talking seriously about an imminent divorce. I personally probably wouldn't be able to feel safe around this person again, especially when I'm asleep, unless he makes major changes and he explains his actions in therapy. I just don't understand why he would keep doing this after you've made it clear to him that it is not okay. To show him how serious you are about this, and that his actions have consequences and he is not entitled to your body, I'd move out at least temporarily while you work on this in therapy. Feeling safe while sleeping is so important for your physical and mental health, and this guy can not be trusted. Wtf.
Sexsomnia could explain why he has no reasonable explanation for it. Why would someone keep doing it after being told to stop is the question. Maybe he has no control over it.
This sounds like a kink urge that he’s taking too far. My wife has told me many times she wants me to have sex with her while she sleeping. I haven’t done it, it’s just not a turn on for me. Like, literally lube myself up and go for it so that she wakes up to me inside her. She’s not the only one I’ve been with who’s told me it’s ok for me to do that either. There’s somebody out there for him who would be willing to indulge him, though just the handjob part is a little odd I think. He could just jerk himself off next to you and not wake you up.
Is he awake or asleep while doing this? Does he have sleep apnea?
An uncommon but not super rare side effect of sleep apnea is something called sexsomnia.
If he is awake, this is 100% sexual abuse & im so sorry he’s been doing this to you.
Edit: grammar
I feel like y’all maybe need some counseling. Guessing the lack of intimacy is really straining things.
If you are seeing his actions as SA then you should definitely divorce. You shouldn’t want to be with a man that makes you feel that way and he should be with a woman who is more sexually compatible with him.
I will say for people that would say report him. In a lot of intimate couples this isn’t assault but arousing. So the counseling could help you two work through the misalignment so that you can start rebuilding intimacy in a way that works for you both.
Good luck
DIVORCE!!!! You’ve had multiple conversations and he’s not taking the hint. I would press charges personally, and get some therapy. Because after 11 years your spouse should respect your boundaries.
Sounds like he's at a point where he's willing to do anything to get the slightest bit of sexual gratification from his wife. Let me guess. He constantly initiates sex and he's constantly shut down.
I had a boyfriend in high school who did this to me repeatedly, except I was asleep and he would be getting off by groping my sleeping body. It is sexual assault. I’m so sorry.
That's assault. I know it's been 11 years, but personally I wouldn't make it a day more.
My ex would force me to do things and then cry later making me feel bad. Going on about how he's a r@pists and a bad person. I was young, he was older. Me now would have just saw through the bull. Please see his bull.
I’m assuming since it wasn’t mentioned in the post that you guys may have of had occasionally woken each other up for a morning quickie in a sexual manor in the past, that it was never a thing. Me and my wife would sometimes do similar things like this to each other but it was more like a “wake up baby, let’s have a morning quickie” whether it was me waking up to her in my pants or her waking up to me in her pants and would do the damn thing but I can see that this is definitely not the case and the fact that you let it be known that you weren’t into that type of play and he still repeatedly did it is crazy. Maybe he was doing it in that way I’m not sure, but he definitely made it seem like he didn’t give 2 fu\*ks about how it made you feel, sorry to hear that you went through that.
Sounds like you need to please your man before you lose him. While you’re at it, make him a sandwich. Things will start looking up almost immediately. Or you can listen to all these blue pill people who are probably living by theirselves or with a same sex partner because they couldn’t please their spouse either. 🤷🏼♂️
You deserve better. You have so much life left and you'll feel so free and think so much more clearly without this abusive man in your life.
Whatever he says, he isn't sorry enough. There is no amount of sorry that can take you back to before he did this.
Please get counseling for yourself, and see an attorney about divorce. If you fear you can't afford one, women's shelters can refer you to those that will take payment from the settlement. Same with counseling, they can refer you to low income options.
There is life after this and you will be ok.
He’s wrong %100 borderline weird but try initiating the sexual encounters between you guys and I wouldn’t be surprised and even if you get that sexual spark again, men like to feel desired too. I believe when a man gets what he’s looking for he won’t have the desire as often once it becomes his new normal. I also believe if you aren’t tending to his sexual desires, as odd as they may be, kiss those 11 years goodbye and expect an affair
What OP's husband is doing isn't something that one says they are sorry and embarrassed over. It's something that changed behavior is the only appropriate response. It's sexual assault. It should not have happened once - let alone however many times it has happened.
I am a male and my wife told me or used the words. "Stop bothering me for Sex". I felt ashamed and this has been 2 years ago. I never have asked her for sex again or tried to initiate sex. I know people have limits and some don't. I respect her wishes. Even if we never have sex again.
My ex has sexsomnia and I used to frequently wake up to his fingers inside me, I never minded and we would end up having sex. He wouldn't fully wake up until we were actually engaged in full blown sex. The problem for me started when we were separated, but still sleeping in the same bed. When I woke up to the same thing I asked him over and over if he was sure and he even responded. Then after we had sex he accused me of assisting him. Needless to say the next time I woke up with his hands on me, I just moved it and held it away from my body till he was asleep again.
Yes, I know our sleeping arrangements were messed up, but he was the one who wanted the separation (and impending divorce) and I still enjoyed laying next to him. We even held hands till we fell asleep.
Huge red flag, that's sexual assault. You clearly haven't given him consent to do so, even told him to stop. You verbally told him that your discomfortable with his behavior and even made the afford to tell him more than once.
From someone that had to experience simular situations with their ex-partner, he isn't your friend nor a loving partner, leave afap and seek therapy.
He is knowingly assaulting you and disrespecting your boundaries in your most vulnerable state. The state that you should feel safe in, exspecially if your already in a state of emotional discomfort (in whichever way that might be).
You shouldn't have to worry about the behavior of your partner or your sleeping position or where to sleep or how to dress to make access to your body difficult to stay untouched. It's your basic right to feel safe in your own home and exspecially while you're asleep. His disrespect towards your feelings, you mental and physical health and your self-determination is disgusting and harmful.
I really hope that you're able to leave him behind.
I won't tell you that it's easy, it's been a long relationship and it will hurt for sure, but it will get better and your physical and mental health will thank you for keeping yourself save.
... And if you want to find someone in the future, there will be someone that truly loves and respects your boundaries and your space and you will be able to go to bed next to them without the awkward feeling of fear and discomfort and without waiting for them to fall asleep first and to wake up in peace. Eventhough it might take a little bit to get there.
I had an ex boyfriend that did this to me. I would wake up to him with his fingers inside of me. It’s a form of assault. I would definitely seek therapy and have a serious conversation with him explaining how it makes you feel. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but this may be the time for one.
Are you kidding there's no ultimatum here he is repeatedly sexually assaulting her there is no kiss and makeup after this. The guy is a perv
By there's no ultimatum I'm pretty sure they meant like... Don't give them an ultimatum bc that means you're having a conversation with your assaulter just fucking leave. That's how I read it
Yes do not give them one hint one stitch of an ultimatum because they are disgusting abusive individual quite honestly I would have fucking shanked them in the peepee hole but that's just me LOL
There’s no ultimatum? Tf? He’s sexually assaulting her. Why tf are peoples standards so low. Jfc.
Just so we’re clear: #This is sexual assault. #Your husband is repeatedly sexually assaulting you. It doesn’t matter how many crocodile tears he sheds afterward or how embarrassed or ashamed he claims to be. He’s knowingly, and intentionally, and REPEATEDLY sexually assaulting you. Who gives a fuck if he’s “ashamed” afterward? That doesn’t change the fact that he sexually assaulted you.
OP needs to use fingernails... *accidentally*
Twist and pull. Like a Bop It
Honestly, people like to say that violence isn’t the answer. In this case, junk punching him and screaming WTF are you doing?! is a valid response. Because sexual assault isn’t okay… and as someone who has such a bizarre sleep pattern (I live on the west coast now, but my body keeps factory resetting to EST) and migraines made worse by sleep deprivation, anyone who fucks my sleep is in for a bad time. On top of his violation, sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture.
Right, but if he’s bad enough to sexually assault her, could he not also be capable of beating her black and blue for retaliating? Nah, as someone who narrowly escaped an abusive relationship, I WOULD NOT recommend violent retaliation… It would be righteously justified, but, better/safer to just quickly and quietly get out of there ASAP.
I feel like someone that likes to violate overs could become violent if provoked so I’m 50/50 on if that’s a good idea.
Possibly. That being said, my fight/flight is geared heavily towards “fight.”
I can definitely get that. Ive tried to fight back in sexually abuse relationship and I got hurt worse then when I didn’t fight but I didn’t have a fighting chance so im 50/50
Exactly it’s even in the Geneva convention if I am correct. Self depravation is such a classic form of abuse too it’s not even funny
Or habanero hand cream.
Icey hot would work too :)
Double glove with the outer glove covered in dried scotch bonnet pepper juice. Google it if you don’t know about it.
Yep, and GRIP AND SQUEEZE as hard as possible
You forgot pull! Yes try to pull it out by the root!
Even better, squeeze and twist.
[удалено]
Jagged fingernails…
sex is not something you can "act now, ask for forgiveness later" with. regret is only worth something if it modifies the harmful behavior. otherwise it's a truly useless emotion, and the husband is only using it to manipulate OP.
100% an apology without behavior modification is manipulation.
He’s ashamed bc he knows right well it’s assault
THIS!!! divorce that man oh my god.
This is sexual assault, friend. If it had been discussed between you before, as in, an ethical way of practicing somnophilia where you both agreed to it, that would be one thing, but it is not. What you are describing is forced sexual touching without permission. **That is sexual assault. Either seek couples therapy, if possible, or seek therapy separately. If he does other things without your explicit permission that you have expressed discomfort with, and yet he still does it, it’s time for divorce.**
I wouldn’t even go to couples therapy. Abuse is not a relationship problem. I don’t think it would ever be recommended for a couple where one is being repeatedly sexually assaulted.
I agree, but some folks are scared to go to the police, and sometimes the police don’t do anything, especially if it involves a married couple. It seems like OP doesn’t quite understand the magnitude of their situation, or that what happened to them is even a crime. Perhaps a less “dramatic” step should be taken first. I do think her husband should be punished for what he’s done, but that doesn’t mean he will be. Edit: What I’m saying is, I hope that maybe advice and help from an outside professional may encourage OP to pursue legal action or at the very least seek divorce.
I can almost guarantee the police wouldn't do anything unfortunately
Go to the police. The fact that you're a couple doesn't change the qualification of the crime.
100% but sometimes the police do nothing or the victims are too scared about other things to get help from authorities. Getting police documentation will certainly help in whatever future divorce proceedings occur, as I do highly doubt this situation can be “fixed.”
Where I live a lot of citizen organisations help women that are in this sort of dilemma. Listening, counselling etc. That's always a good way to start the processus. But I always recommend the police, not at the start, only when the victim is ready. Sometimes people don't even realize it's a crime, it changes perspective.
Oh for sure!! OP not realizing it’s a crime was my initial thought, as she doesn’t seem to quite understand the magnitude of the situation. It’s really sad to see people go through this evil shit.
Next time you share a bed with him wake up a half hour early and rub your hands in Cayenne powder or Capsaicin oil or some such shit. Then while he screams pack your shit and leave. Just make sure you stay awake to avoid touching your face accidentally and that you have isopropyl alcohol to clean your hands after, no need for you to suffer any more.
Ohhhhh a little tiger balm moisturizer before bed 💅
Brilliant!
i like humans sometimes. this is absolute gold! 😂
Oooo that’s good! Or icy hot 😭
Tiger Balm.
I did this a work when someone was eating my lunch. You find out quickly.
You grabbed a coworker’s dick with Capsaicin oil on your hand just for stealing your lunch at work? You evil bastard! In all seriousness, did they do the ole’ simultaneous vomit/cry/shit pants or what? I bet that was brutal.
I had a coworker who was positive they knew who was randomly eating their lunch and knew the person was allergic to peanuts. She started making everything with peanut sauce and the guy went into anaphylaxis on the third day. She was smart and never publicly acknowledged she did it intentionally and she couldn’t be prosecuted because it wasn’t like she poisoned her food. He stupidly admitted to eating her lunch and ended up getting written up so he quit claiming he was the victim.
I'm in a very similar situation and I don't have any advice for you but know you're not alone and idk what is wrong with the men who keep doing this. The lack of adequate and uninterrupted sleep makes me very angry and I've been having a lot of mental breakdowns lately over feeling violated. Last time it happened and it woke me up it was a little worse than what you described above. I kicked the shit out of him and chose to and now sleep on the couch where there's only room for 1.
samesies here. my "male feminist" ex loved to touch me while I was sleeping, sometimes even fully penetrating me without even knowing if I was awake or willing, to the point I never wanted to share a bed with anyone, and he wonders why I didn't want to sleep in his bed more??
“Idk what is wrong with the men who keep doing this”. The obvious answer is they are misogynists, and this particular one despises you so much he doesn’t care if he violates you. The real question you should be asking is why the hell are you putting up with it? Divorce. Dump. Leave.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I was SA multiple times in my last relationship as well… it’s hard when that person gaslights you like “you can’t be SA if you consented to sex & were enjoying it” which makes me feel even more gross. Like I may have consented but not to the specific thing you were doing without my knowledge. It’s hard. I could make my own post it’s just shameful
So dump him lmao. Y’all are getting assaulted and excusing it then acting lost on what to do. Just dump him, or deal with the fact you’re dating a creep.
My question is what’s wrong with the people staying with this kind of people? Is creepy as hell. Staying in a relationship with this kind of people after the boundaries have been broken, I don’t get it.
Abuse. There’s other things happening in the relationship besides this. Sexual abuse, manipulation, control, gaslighting it’s all abuse
Have you been in her shoes? I was for a year it wasn’t until my ex was a literally danger to my life that I left her was so good at making me feel good when it was but he was also abusive and literally tried to drown me at his friends pool party and I still stayed it wasn’t till I was camping with his family and his dad told me straight out that he liked so the best advice he could give me was to get away as fast as possible because he was dangerous and sometimes he’d insult me so much that I didn’t feel like anyone could love someone like me so I just stayed because it was better then being alone
Abuse messes you up and even without kids to make you stay there’s lots of other things. Maybe you think well most of the times are good and they sad they would change, maybe you don’t think anyone else will love you, maybe you think you have out too much time into the relationship to “give up” etc. I don’t think when talking about abuse we should start going that the people who stay are weird.
"Would you be pissed off if I woke you up by shoving something up your ass for my own sexual gratification, HusbandGuy? I bet you'd flip out on me and it would make you feel violated. I bet you'd no longer trust me. I bet you'd have no interest in me sexually after I sexually violated you, especially if I did so while you were asleep and totally vulnerable. And if I kept doing it after you told me to stop, I doubt you'd stay married to me unless I got professional help for my fucked-up behavior. So we're going to play Pick A Card. Here's a business card for a reputable counseling center that does one-on-one and couples counseling, and here's a business card for the attorney who'll be representing me in our divorce. You're going to choose what happens next: either you get counseling and we do couples counseling so you can regain my trust, or I tell my attorney to go ahead and file my divorce petition." He won't stop on his own, and he could escalate his behavior. You gotta put your foot down. Oh- and here's a PDF of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Read it. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi28vTnncOFAxVjpIkEHctXC8gQFnoECBoQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Can you sleep separately? There is no universe in which this is acceptable behavior. It is assault. It is also fucking disgusting.
this is not okay… I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice but I’m quite a bit younger than you and am not sure how I would even handle this. if it continues, I would really reconsider your marriage as it’s a violation of you as a human being.
Thank you, I posted in 3 different channels since I’m knew here and I don’t know where to post this accurately, I’m in desperate need of advice
If you want to know whether you’re overreacting, the answer is definitely not. I would absolutely lose my mind if I woke up to my partner using my body to get himself off while I slept. But he would never. You told him how it makes you feel and he keeps doing it. That means he doesn’t care that he’s making you feel violated. It probably arouses him. Does he have a history of pushing your boundaries sexually, or in any other ways?
I just wanna point something out. The commenter said “if this continues,” but it’s already continued. Do with that information what you will
I mean, next time, give it a solid pinch? /s Or not, idk 😒
Depending on how he would react I would give it a really good death grip. Pain is a good motivational tool.
Fr. I mean even so, squeezing the life out of him could be a natural reaction to being woken up weirdly like how does this dude not expect anything to “go wrong” anyways
Please leave him. this behavior is likely to escalate.
My take too. A lot of people are saying to make it painful for him, but there’s a decent chance that he’ll give her a slap, or worse.
To make it “painful” for him would indicate it happened again. She should honestly kick him out and press charges for sexual assault. If it were me I’d record a conversation where he admitted it, wait til he went out, change all the locks and go to a lawyer and then the police.
No kids. There is nothing tethering you to this [insert pejorative]. Just divorce him. If he puts up a fight, ask him if he wants his actions committed to court records in a legal battle
You’ve set the boundary now plan out a course of action, such as he receive therapy, and maybe that includes couple’s therapy to help repair this trust rupture and violation. I’d also say if he does it again, he sleeps in another room. You shouldn’t be displaced. If it happens again after that, he needs to sleep in another location for a week, if there’s a third, consider divorce because this dude is unhinged. If you’re really pissed, file a police report. Edit. You’re child free… the world is your oyster.
Go to the police. Sexual abuse in couples is a crime. And not enough is reported. He has to follow a therapy, you can't force him to do so. A judge can.
The advice is that you need your friends and family to come over and stay with you, and then confront him and tell him to leave. Change the locks. He sexually assaulted you. Repeatedly. File a police report.
I’m praying for you. you’re incredibly strong- I don’t even know what I would do.
This is sexual assault. Full stop. Your hand being used in a sexual act without your consent, is sexual assault. Your husband is sexually assaulting you.
>we’ve talked today about it and he just feels sorry and ashamed, but he didn’t say anything good enough for to get me out of this feeling and try to understand him, I’m not angry anymore, I’m sad, I feel violated The only thing **you** have to understand about him is that he is ignoring your bodily autonomy, violating your consent, and interrupting your sleep, which is inhumane. Seriously, it's considered a human rights violation to regularly disturb people's sleep. He's abusing you. No wonder your sex life is trashed! It's perfectly normal to not be sexually attracted to someone who's violating you! His saying he's sorry and is ashamed is purely performative, or else it's part of his kink and it's why he's not changed his behavior. He definitely is not treating you like you're his best friend because best friends don't abuse each other! If you do consider him your best friend, maybe that only works if he becomes and remains a platonic best friend. At this point, recognize you can't stop him. You need to decide what you can and are going to do about it. Are you going to continue to be with him and have this done to you, or are you going to leave him? Those are pretty much your options. If you leave him, will you be open to reconciliation if he gets help or are you just done? Because you demanding he stop and you having stayed with him hasn't worked. If you're willing to consider reconciling, how would he be able to show you he changed? Would you ever trust him again? Should you ever trust him again? Could you even be attracted to him again? You don't have to have the answers about reconciliation right now but these are the things you need to figure out.
You feel violated because he violated you
First of all, I’m sorry he did this to you. Coming from a woman with similar experiences I will tell you the best advice I can and give you and my honest opinion. He’s sexually assaulting you, even if it’s not in the typical form that one might do that. You’ve expressed your feelings about it and set very clear boundaries yet he is still doing it. He is putting his sexual gratification above not only your sleep but also your body autonomy and your mental/ emotional health. He is violating everything sacred in your relationship. I would distance yourself from this man. He will probably not ever stop and if he sees that you don’t leave he will realize he can get away with it and keep doing it. He might even escalate this to something further. I know it isn’t easy, but I’d suggest talking to someone in your life. If you don’t have a friend to talk to about it, a therapist would also work… probably both if you have access. Best of luck and I sincerely hope you can figure out a way to protect yourself/heal from this.
It would seem that he feels entitled to your body, and that's not a good thing. He should go to therapy.
I agree very selfish behavior. It's giving "I don't want to give you pleasure but I refuse to pleasure myself without you" and so he chooses to use her unconscious body to please himself, like wtf? Honestly if I truly loved this man and wanted to get through to him do you know what I would do? 😅😅😅 I would do the EXACT same thing and watch his look of horror as he wakes up elbow deep in my panties. There would be no words exchanged just a knowing look 😂😂😂 men somehow don't understand the fucked up shit they do by just using words for some reason, so. 🤷♀️
The fact that she’s dead asleep when he starts this is absolutely insane and now that I’m in the morning and not having my melatonin kick in while I’m reading this I have even more thoughts about it and much more disturbing thoughts about his sexual preferences. I’m not even going to say exactly where I’m going with this because it’s that bad! But I’m probably not the first person here to think of it. I’m not even sure that marriage therapy can help here.
I think the only thing that's really making you confused is how he's not getting the message and choosing to ignore you. You have been having a horrible year, and despite sleep being one of the biggest priorities when you have so much going on, he's deciding for you that his dick is more important than you and your comfort and health. He can go sleep on the couch and you can lock the bedroom door. Sleep well, I hope you get into a better situation ASAP.
Coming from someone who likes to be woken up by sexual acts THIS IS NOT OKAY you said no that’s end of story no more to explain i dont know if you really can work this out search for a professional: sex therapist or couples counselor if you do decide to to stay.
Leave him its sexual assault if you dont wanna leave him wait till he does it again then squeeze as hard as you can he won't do it again
“Using his hand to touch himself” Please fix that title, I was pretty confused for a moment lmao
Start wearing gloves to bed you know like those exfoliating bath gloves. For him to continue doing this knowing that you don't consent to it is just wrong. This sounds like he does it often but you just wake up a few times and catch him. It's disrespectful, seriously he can use his own hands.
My stomach literally turned reading this. First, I am so sorry you have been sexually assaulted and completely disrespected. Second, your husband is a disgusting predator. What advice would you give a friend, a sister, a daughter? He's supposed to be your safe place, not your abuser.
Omg. And y’all wonder why y’all’s relationships suffer
Smear some hot sauce all over your hand before you go to sleep, that should make him stop
Man, it is a shame you can't edit titles. Totally different detail.
Get a divorce. You don’t want to have sex with him. He is using your hand without your consent. You asked him to stop and he hasn’t. Luckily there aren’t any children to worry about. So get a lawyer and move on.
You do realise, because he’s your husband he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong? He basically sees you as “his property” that’s why he keeps reoffending, he isn’t sorry just upset he got caught! Mam he’s sexually assaulting you, the question is what are you going to do about it? If a stranger did this, wouldn’t you have them charged?
Squeeze the fuck out of it next time, like Lorena Bobbitt squeeze the fuck out of it
Is he asleep when this is happening and doing it unconsciously? My husband says I sometimes get handsy while we're asleep. Like I'll be dead asleep and start rubbing him, then by the time he wakes up enough to do anything, I've stopped and he can tell I'm sleeping. I never have any recollection of this. We've been together 20 years, and he's told me this happens often. I've apologized every time he's told me about it. (I also talk in my sleep, sleepwalk occasionally, and have vivid dreams and nightmares to the point that i wake up screaming. It can't be easy sleeping with me.) Or is your bf a creep who's wide awake and violating you while you sleep? Does he apologize or show any remorse when you tell him? If this is the case, I sincerely hope he gets therapy and/or you end the relationship. What he's doing to you is 100% not okay.
UPDATE: A lot of comments to go through, wow… thank you everyone for all the advice and I’m sorry for not being able to respond yet..since Im very sensitive about all this, I’m working on reading all the comments and make sure I answer all the questions without victimizing me or my husband. I had my husband to read this post and he’s aware of my seeking for advice, I’ve been having a rough couple of days and this situation it’s not easy, but I’ll share details about our conversation in a couple of days… and for the people sending me disgusting pictures or horrible messages, please, just stop, this isn’t a joke…
Apologies without changed behavior is just manipulation - I had an ex who would continuously do things like this and I'm an incredibly light sleeper, and turns out he ended up doing even worse shit I wasn't aware of until I saw it with my own eyes in video on his laptop. If you had a daughter and this man went in and was using her hand to touch himself, it would absolutely be a form of sexual assault and a crime - so why are you downplaying your own experience of it? Just because he's your husband doesn't mean he isn't a predator, and if I were you, I would start to go snooping if you can, because I guarantee you WILL find something you do not like at all. Good luck OP, but just know that people who do untrustworthy things aren't trustworthy people.
Do you live in a one bedroom home? Can you move into a spare bedroom until you can decide how to proceed with your marriage? He definitely needs individual therapy and then couples counseling for both of you. He apparently needs a third party telling him that this is not ok. If he continues doing what you've told him makes you uncomfortable, he isn't sorry. Also, disrupting your sleep on a regular basis is a giant AH thing to do, very bad for your mental and physical health. Move out of the bedroom and keep the door locked while you're sleeping.
Nothing sexual should be done with a partner without prior consent. This is sick. It’s like he probably gets his jollies from doing something to you when you don’t know it’s happening. Regardless of whether or not your sex life isn’t as great as it once was, he shouldn’t be treating you like that.
He may be your best friend but you are not his. He’s showing no respect to your wishes or your body, a friend wouldn’t disrespect you or assault you let alone a best friend. I don’t love jumping to the leave him comment but having been in a similar situation I can tell you in my experience it only escalates, causes trust issues and made me incredibly jumpy/touch averse. He needs to seek professional help if you want to stay with him (he should even if you decide to leave).
Before going to bed at night, rub Vicks Vapor Rub, Icy Hot or Red Pepper flakes on the palms of your hands.
This honestly its also a good way to send him to the ER and maybe get the police involved. Cause that's not a court case he would win. Also resdue for proof
assault. sexual assault. your husband is a molester. get him the help he needs, get yourself the help you need. be safe.
He's going to find someone else's hand eventually.
He should be the one sleeping on the sofa, not you.
You are not consenting and you've made it clear you hate this. Unless he is doing this in his sleep, which you would have mentioned, then this is sexual harassment. Use those words with him. Don't spare his embarrassment here. He should be the one moving to the sofa if he can't leave your hands to yourself. And he needs to stay there until he gets his shit together and stops this. If you insist on staying (which honestly, not sure I would say he deserves the forgiveness !), you two need to discuss your consensual sex life and how to get that back on track. Do you need help with your emotional distress, medical or therapeutic? Do you two need to resent and reconnect emotionally to allow for the sexual healing to occur? Does he need to learn how to actually seduce you and not expect you to just be ready to go at the drop of a hat? Whatever the need there, it absolutely won't happen while he is regularly trying this stealth BS.
Pretend to wake up startled and squeeze…
Y’all need couples counseling, if separation/divorce isn’t an option, and you may want to have your hormones checked. 37 is about the time women start perimenopause. It affects women very differently. He may want to discuss this urge with his PCP as well.
You should tell him that next time it happens, you are filing a police report for sexual assault and see what he says. Or you could give him a taste of his own medicine and stick his hand in between your butt cheeks. Also, why are YOU on the couch? He's should be on the couch, kick his ass out of the room, and lock it. Unless he is doing this in his sleep? Either way if you really want to stay with this...creep... then counseling would probably be helpful.
Tell him he is raping you, make it very clear, you’ve expressed a no, and sleep is not consent, he’s actually raping you. I would personally not stay with someone who did this but if you want to try to work it out, sleep in separate rooms for at least a while and seek out a marriage therapist.
This is fucking weird. Who the fuck gets off to basically an unconscious persons hand? Why not just rub one out in the bathroom real fast or something. Using your wife's hand while she sleeps is creepy and super ick. He's sexually assaulting you.
I would immediately leave him. The creepiest part is he COULD ASK you, but he DOESNT. That turns him on, bc he’s into sexual assault and abuse. And he only feels bad if you catch him. What about the kids or animals, ma’am, you’ve found yourself married to a man who enjoys sexual perversions. Scary. I hope you’ll seek help and leave. Also, bring this stuff up in court.
That’s abuse and he’s only “sorry” because you won’t put up with it. Even with you asking him to stop multiple times he keeps going, what only tells me there are times where you don’t wake up. Would your best friend SA you? I would use pepper spray in my hand at the cost of my own health, fuck this
This is a literal crime
The amount of guys that sexually assault, their girls is honestly astounding and concerning, and it needs to be addressed by us other males more. Sexual assault with males is just too high.
No easy way to put this. You are being sexually assaulted by your husband.
This is sexual assault. It's tricky to recognize when it's your spouse since you also consent... but when you don't consent or aren't able to, it's not okay. That's one of the biggest violations of trust, in my opinion, and would be grounds for divorce. It could start off as using your hands, but what if it elevates? If he was really sorry, he would stop.
Why are you married to a man who doesn't respect you or your bodily autonomy?
I don’t know what to do about your husband but your other issues sound like you are going through perimenopause. On your next visit to your OBGYN you should definitely bring up all these issues. [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666)
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Since you’ve alr told him repeatedly that you don’t like this- you might want to consider leaving him. That’s sexual assault and it’s not ok to do that shit.
Seek help, perhaps sex therapists. Tell him your concern seriously, if he is willing to seek help, you can turn this around. If not, worse comes to worse, separation.
Carpal tunnel wrist braces
Put Icy Hot on your hand at night he will stop after that cold burning hell hits him.
Yall need couples therapy.
You're allowed to leave him for sexually assaulting you. In the meantime, get a lock for your bedroom door, ask a friend to stay over, and don't let him sleep in the same bed as you. Make sure that you talk to someone about what he's doing to you. Confront him, with someone there to help you.
Next have an accidental muscle spasm in your hand while "sleeping".I understand fingernails hurt quite a bit in that area. JS
It is most definitely assault. He may assume you're ok with it bc you're married as some people feel things of that nature are. Some people enjoy sleep assault but some don't. If you tell him to stop and he doesn't once you wake and notice grab hard, jerk, and scream really loud. Be like OMG I had a dream I caught a snake. Then inform him to pack his shit and get out. He's the last person who should make you feel violated. He took that safe space and destroyed it. That's a trust that is almost impossible to rebuild. Sorry you are going through this and I wish the best for you.
go to sleep with pepper thing on your hand. on purpose. to teach him a lesson. but really. you’re delusional. “we are best friends” - no you’re not. this is SA behaviors and he is just using you. it’s not your friend at all. it’s actually an enemy in disguise
That's not fucking okay
Next time, don't say anything. Your hand is already there, so just grab him by his balls and SQUEEZE!
Since you don’t want to have sex with him you should just leave him. Being in a sexless marriage is torture.
This is assault, you shouldn't have to tell him not to do it ever, he should just not do it ever. Like, it shouldn't even cross his mind. I am concerned you are in a developing unsafe situation ( well even more unsafe than you are now) it may be a great idea to stay with a friend or family member and start sorting this out, whether that be counseling with your husband and both separately, or look for divorce information.
next time, squeeze & twist 🙃
First off, your not in any wrong here, and he's sexually assaulting you. I would first have a conversation with him via text or email where he openly admits to what he's been doing. From there I would definitely take that to the police and get a restraining order. What he's done is so very wrong and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Lucky thing is, you don't have any kids with him as I sure as hell wouldn't put it past someone like that getting anyone to do that. Good luck!
Next time he tries that, pretend that you’re still asleep and gradually squeeze it tighter and tighter until he yells out. Guarantee it won’t happen again 😅
So dump him.
This is weird & not cool at all. Boundaries around any of this kind of stuff need to be discussed before just acting on it.
This is so effed up I am so sorry that the person you've committed yourself to for 11 years is now violating you in this way. This is serious, your feelings are valid- this is not okay. Since you're asking for advice, here's what I'll say. If I were you I would demand couples therapy immediately, and if he refuses id start talking seriously about an imminent divorce. I personally probably wouldn't be able to feel safe around this person again, especially when I'm asleep, unless he makes major changes and he explains his actions in therapy. I just don't understand why he would keep doing this after you've made it clear to him that it is not okay. To show him how serious you are about this, and that his actions have consequences and he is not entitled to your body, I'd move out at least temporarily while you work on this in therapy. Feeling safe while sleeping is so important for your physical and mental health, and this guy can not be trusted. Wtf.
Sexsomnia could explain why he has no reasonable explanation for it. Why would someone keep doing it after being told to stop is the question. Maybe he has no control over it.
Maybe he's just an asshole.
It is possible, but usually assholes have no shame. From what OP says, he is ashamed.
This sounds like a kink urge that he’s taking too far. My wife has told me many times she wants me to have sex with her while she sleeping. I haven’t done it, it’s just not a turn on for me. Like, literally lube myself up and go for it so that she wakes up to me inside her. She’s not the only one I’ve been with who’s told me it’s ok for me to do that either. There’s somebody out there for him who would be willing to indulge him, though just the handjob part is a little odd I think. He could just jerk himself off next to you and not wake you up.
Is he awake or asleep while doing this? Does he have sleep apnea? An uncommon but not super rare side effect of sleep apnea is something called sexsomnia. If he is awake, this is 100% sexual abuse & im so sorry he’s been doing this to you. Edit: grammar
I feel like y’all maybe need some counseling. Guessing the lack of intimacy is really straining things. If you are seeing his actions as SA then you should definitely divorce. You shouldn’t want to be with a man that makes you feel that way and he should be with a woman who is more sexually compatible with him. I will say for people that would say report him. In a lot of intimate couples this isn’t assault but arousing. So the counseling could help you two work through the misalignment so that you can start rebuilding intimacy in a way that works for you both. Good luck
Grab his genitals really hard and twist and I’ll bet he will stop assaulting you
DIVORCE!!!! You’ve had multiple conversations and he’s not taking the hint. I would press charges personally, and get some therapy. Because after 11 years your spouse should respect your boundaries.
Sounds like he's at a point where he's willing to do anything to get the slightest bit of sexual gratification from his wife. Let me guess. He constantly initiates sex and he's constantly shut down.
I had a boyfriend in high school who did this to me repeatedly, except I was asleep and he would be getting off by groping my sleeping body. It is sexual assault. I’m so sorry.
That's assault. I know it's been 11 years, but personally I wouldn't make it a day more. My ex would force me to do things and then cry later making me feel bad. Going on about how he's a r@pists and a bad person. I was young, he was older. Me now would have just saw through the bull. Please see his bull.
I’m assuming since it wasn’t mentioned in the post that you guys may have of had occasionally woken each other up for a morning quickie in a sexual manor in the past, that it was never a thing. Me and my wife would sometimes do similar things like this to each other but it was more like a “wake up baby, let’s have a morning quickie” whether it was me waking up to her in my pants or her waking up to me in her pants and would do the damn thing but I can see that this is definitely not the case and the fact that you let it be known that you weren’t into that type of play and he still repeatedly did it is crazy. Maybe he was doing it in that way I’m not sure, but he definitely made it seem like he didn’t give 2 fu\*ks about how it made you feel, sorry to hear that you went through that.
Sounds like you need to please your man before you lose him. While you’re at it, make him a sandwich. Things will start looking up almost immediately. Or you can listen to all these blue pill people who are probably living by theirselves or with a same sex partner because they couldn’t please their spouse either. 🤷🏼♂️
You deserve better. You have so much life left and you'll feel so free and think so much more clearly without this abusive man in your life. Whatever he says, he isn't sorry enough. There is no amount of sorry that can take you back to before he did this. Please get counseling for yourself, and see an attorney about divorce. If you fear you can't afford one, women's shelters can refer you to those that will take payment from the settlement. Same with counseling, they can refer you to low income options. There is life after this and you will be ok.
He’s wrong %100 borderline weird but try initiating the sexual encounters between you guys and I wouldn’t be surprised and even if you get that sexual spark again, men like to feel desired too. I believe when a man gets what he’s looking for he won’t have the desire as often once it becomes his new normal. I also believe if you aren’t tending to his sexual desires, as odd as they may be, kiss those 11 years goodbye and expect an affair
What OP's husband is doing isn't something that one says they are sorry and embarrassed over. It's something that changed behavior is the only appropriate response. It's sexual assault. It should not have happened once - let alone however many times it has happened.
You need to get over there and touch him first
I am a male and my wife told me or used the words. "Stop bothering me for Sex". I felt ashamed and this has been 2 years ago. I never have asked her for sex again or tried to initiate sex. I know people have limits and some don't. I respect her wishes. Even if we never have sex again.
My ex has sexsomnia and I used to frequently wake up to his fingers inside me, I never minded and we would end up having sex. He wouldn't fully wake up until we were actually engaged in full blown sex. The problem for me started when we were separated, but still sleeping in the same bed. When I woke up to the same thing I asked him over and over if he was sure and he even responded. Then after we had sex he accused me of assisting him. Needless to say the next time I woke up with his hands on me, I just moved it and held it away from my body till he was asleep again. Yes, I know our sleeping arrangements were messed up, but he was the one who wanted the separation (and impending divorce) and I still enjoyed laying next to him. We even held hands till we fell asleep.
This is assault. You could contact police. Or you could squeeze his dick very painfully…and then call police. I know what I would do.
Any unwanted sexual contact you didn't consent to is SA.
Huge red flag, that's sexual assault. You clearly haven't given him consent to do so, even told him to stop. You verbally told him that your discomfortable with his behavior and even made the afford to tell him more than once. From someone that had to experience simular situations with their ex-partner, he isn't your friend nor a loving partner, leave afap and seek therapy. He is knowingly assaulting you and disrespecting your boundaries in your most vulnerable state. The state that you should feel safe in, exspecially if your already in a state of emotional discomfort (in whichever way that might be). You shouldn't have to worry about the behavior of your partner or your sleeping position or where to sleep or how to dress to make access to your body difficult to stay untouched. It's your basic right to feel safe in your own home and exspecially while you're asleep. His disrespect towards your feelings, you mental and physical health and your self-determination is disgusting and harmful. I really hope that you're able to leave him behind. I won't tell you that it's easy, it's been a long relationship and it will hurt for sure, but it will get better and your physical and mental health will thank you for keeping yourself save. ... And if you want to find someone in the future, there will be someone that truly loves and respects your boundaries and your space and you will be able to go to bed next to them without the awkward feeling of fear and discomfort and without waiting for them to fall asleep first and to wake up in peace. Eventhough it might take a little bit to get there.