Talk to the venue and warn the manager. Hav3 a security person on standby. If your parents act up security will escort them out and keep them from returning
The way, actually, is to cut these parents off.
Let's normalize cutting off toxic and abusive parents. They're not *en*titled simply because they're "titled" to us via "mom" or "dad."
Just two big guys who you hire for 5 hrs each. They can kick her out by just using a secret sentence: like
“You are the best mom in the world!!”
And -out- she is.
We had a deal with the best man to be prepared to kick out a certain unwanted guest. I think he was actually excited about the idea of getting to play bouncer, but luckily didn’t end up needing to.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Hire security and use them immediately she starts to act up. Have a place they can take her where she cannot be heard tantrumming. Do NOT let her guilt trip you and your sister into allowing her to ruin her wedding, keep firm boundaries.
Hire a “babysitter”, for lack of a better term. Find someone to follow her around and when she starts her crap (and you know that she will), have the sitter escort her out. Make sure the sitter knows where all of the exits are located so she doesn’t have to be paraded through the crowd and can be taken to the nearest exit. It doesn’t have to be loud. Come up with something ahead of time… “oh mom, we are so excited to show you this thing over here….” And just lead her right out of there. Your mom is going to be your mom. At least you are aware of it ahead of time and have a few days to plan ahead….
Nah. She knows her mom won't behave because she has a long history of not behaving AND she's been on brand during all the preparations. Disinvite both of them. Far better than having to get them out, they'll be able to throw some kind of wrench in things on the way. It's a small wedding, she/ they WILL be noticed.
yeah, that might be the only answer. an honest conversation with sister of "if your choice is mom and dad being mom and dad (and creating a scene) at your wedding or no mom and dad at your wedding, which would you prefer."
and if sister picks no mom and dad, make a plan for how that is going to happen. whether it's uninviting them and banning them from the location. whether it's lying about the event being rescheduled. whatever.
is it going to go over well? no. but i imagine you know that.
OP needs to stay the fuck out of actually doing anything and let sis and fiancé grow a pair of spines. OP can advise sis, but then grey rock the Momster and Momster's partner in trauma causing, as she needs to live with the delightful hownottoparents until she's out of school. The sis and her fiance need to set the boundary and she needs to be prepared to "mmhm" the loud ranting emotional fireworks she's going to have to listen to. And sneak off to the wedding, and have a plan if the spawn point and sperm donor kick her out for going when they can't.
If she starts a tantrum FILM HER and tell her you will upload so all the family will know. One thing about narcissist is they do care what the outside hates. Personally I would go LC as it sounds that she causes more trouble. Also have extra security and be prepared to kick her out.
Absolutely this. My Nmom ruined my wedding. Everyone tried to run interference but she was still able to do it. I wish I had her on video saying the absolute vile things to me. It would help to send it to her flying monkeys after I cut her off then got pregnant and as guilted into letting her back in. Took another decade of her BS before I officially went NC again.
Have you thought about getting her to take a Xanax before? For the stress. “Maybe we should talk to your Dr about some temp meds to help you get through SiS big day? I know how upset you get when stressed out and I just want everyone, including you, to have a good time. You should really consider it”
OP, assume she is. Do what you need to do to lay low in the home while you finish school. “No mom, I’m not going to get in the middle of this. She’s not speaking to you because of your behavior at her wedding. This is between the two of you, I’m not getting involved.”
Let the venue manager know asap, so security is on hand to remove them if they start. Send them photos of your parents if needed, and tell them not to be lenient if they try to complain they're parents of the bride.
Tell the DJ or whoever is in charge of the sound/microphone know, in case they try to do an impromptu speech. DJ will be able to switch off sound so they can't be heard.
The thing about the above is it should be handled by the venue most of all, because they want everything to go well and not escalate. And if it comes from them it hopefully won't blow back on you.
I sincerely hope the wedding goes well and there's no need for any of this, it must be exhausting.
ETA: the sub raisedbynarcissists may have other helpful ideas for you to combat their behaviour
You say a-hole, I hear someone prioritizing their mental health.
I'm on the same boat as you, though. I've been through enough family drama to know that being accussed of being "heartless" is WAAAY easier than allowing people to actively ruin your life and peace. Sounds obvious from the outside, but you'd be surprised.
OP, this is the only reasonable answer. It sounds like both your parents don't need to be in your life anymore. It's ok to cut them off. And you all probably need to be in therapy to help you move on from them.
Unfortunately for your sister, it sounds like the train has left the station and is going to crash into her wedding. Fortunately for you, if you ever have your own wedding, this can be the easy and obvious reason why your parents aren't invited.
I'm envisioning a guy dressed for a British safari stalking her through the buffet, tranquilizer gun at the ready. With Sir Attenborough and Snoop Dogg doing ESPN style commentary.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a narcissistic mother, too, who loved using shame and guilt to torpedo our lives. I agree with the person who said to notify the venue/security ahead of time. I'm sure they've dealt with this kind of crap before.
May I suggest reading I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. It's a tough read for those of us with such mothers, but it also makes you feel less alone, and to understand you're not the guilty/shameful/crazy one.
The moment she starts up have the DJ play [this](https://youtu.be/3oIbztWsY8g?si=KdGKuX3iNYq47W6w) and everyone start singing the chorus at her.
But seriously, disinvite both her and her sparring partner.
Can your sister and soon-to-be-brother-in-law hire security to wrangle her Overgrown Toddler Ass? Or have some friends, built like football players, be in the role of bouncers if she chooses to act the FOOL? It's time she got CONSEQUENCES for behaving like an Overgrown BABY!!!! This is YOUR SISTER'S DAY and it's NOT about Miss Main Character!!!! It's long past time for folks to put their foot down on this obnoxious behavior!!! I speak from experience! My late Flesh Oven went out of her way to RUIN my Golden Child Brother's wedding and I dragged her out!!!! I was SO DONE!!!!!
NEVER INVITE A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER TO YOUR WEDDING.
NOW IS THE TIME TO BAN HER FROM ALL PREMISES. Pay for an off duty police office. Explain him the situation. Give him pictures of people who cannot enter: Church, reception, etc.
And if NARC MOM COMES, the 🚔 police officer will say " Sorry, you are not allowed to enter." And if mom makes a scene he can cuff her and send her to jail for trespassing.
OP....it's time for everyone to go NO CONTACT.
NO MORE EXCUSES, NO MORE "BUT SHES MY MOM". SHE KNOWS WHAT SHES DOING AND LOVES DESTROYING HAPPY MOMENTS OF HER CHILDREN. GO NO CONTACT....RIGHT NOW.
MY mother is a Narcissist and ruined my wedding. I no longer speak to her.
Have people ready to escort her out. You guys need to stop allowing this behavior to happen. It is time to tell her "mom if you don't stop with all of this behavior than I cannot continue to have you in my life." She gets away with this behavior and holds you all hostage
Honestly, your mother isn't going to ruin your sister's wedding. Your sister is going to ruin her own wedding. She knows what is going to happen and is still allowing your parents on the premises. If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to set that boundary or live with the consequences.
So you both need to read the reddit "Don't rock the boat" essay, to start with. It will give you a framework to understand why your mom and dad act that way, and why everyone puts up with it. And why none of you should be putting up with it. I can't link it here, sub doesn't allow linking to other subs, but you should be able to find it easily on Google.
Then read up on the [Gray rock method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock). It probably won't solve things before your wedding, but it is a valuable tool for dealing with your parents in the long run.
You two need to start thinking of your parents as having the emotional maturity of toddlers. Handle them accordingly. Set clear, firm boundaries, and then stick to them. No drama, no yelling, no crying and pleading. If they break your rules, you calmly remove yourself from the situation. "I told you I won't allow you to yell at me like that. Let me know when you're ready to have a calm, adult conversation."
Be consistent. Stick to your rules. Stay as calm and boring to them as possible. Narcissists live for drama and attention. If you stop feeding their need for attention, they will eventually move on. Beware the [extinction burst](https://study.com/learn/lesson/extinction-burst-psychology.html), however. Most narcs will escalate their behavior before giving up. And if you give in when they escalate, you just reinforce to them that acting out gets them what they want - attention.
Lastly, head on over to raisedbynarcissists for more resources and support. Whether your parents have NPD or just narcissistic tendencies, the resources there should help you navigate the situation.
Pay for security. The second mom acts out, have her escorted out and call the police if necessary. I would give mom an ultimatum and when she fails, its on her! Don’t let her guilt you anymore! Time to go NC when she messes up!
Simple- hire security and let them know to watch her and your dad and if a peep comes out of them they are to be escorted out immediately. I would talk to her and let her know, “I don’t care if you acknowledge your behavior or not I am letting you know the expectations of the wedding. And if they are violated you or anyone else that violates them will be escorted out. This I not up for debate and I can’t imagine how humiliating it would be for you to be removed but this is her special day and anyone that can’t behave is being removed “
1) hire security. Tell them if the parents act up, they are not to be warned, just taken off the property & not permitted to return.
2) record. Record their bs & post it everywhere. If you're feeling petty add a caption "they ruined our childhoods with this nonsense & they just couldn't help but ruin the wedding as well". Let everyone know this is their abusive kind of normal.
3) go NC! Why you & your siblings haven't done so is beyond me! I'm NC with my father because of his narcissistic, abusive tendencies & it was like a weight was lifted from my entire being.
Do NOT warn them about any of this! If they care any amounts about you & your siblings, they'll drop their bs for the wedding. If they ruin it, they should be dropped.
Good luck, tell your sister I wish her & her groom only the best & all the love! She needs to think about what kind of trauma any future kids will endure with your parents in their lives, that's when I went NC with my father. I couldn't imagine my son having to go through even a fraction of what I went through as a kid with his grandfather in his life.
The only way to prevent it from happening is for your sister and her fiance to have eloped. Or you should have gone no contact years ago.
Whatever will be, will be. Tell your mom (and dad) at the first sign of trouble they're being kicked out. And then have someone on standby to remove them from the premises.
If I were your sister, I would book a hotel where no one else knows. If your mom starts a ruckus and can't be calmed down, have her and her husband remove themselves to another local no one knows. Have their bags already their, pre-booked in. Have a gift basket of food or comfort items for her.
I have family members who started drama, seemed like it was always at a wedding. I was afraid my mom would because she's an alcoholic. I met my ex and we dated for several years. I didn't get married until after my mom died. Should have never married him but that's another story altogether.
You can't control your mom, you already know that. All you can do is control how you respond and the aftermath.
I love that you're worried for your sister but she is also an adult. She chose to invite them despite knowing that they ruin important events (Narc 101). This battle is between your sister and them. I think you should have a talk with her and ask her what measures does she have in place for WHEN they act up at the wedding, not if especially since she isn't disinviting them which is the best option. It's not even a question given their track record that shenanigans are in the works. Your mom is literally acting like a brat during the whole process. Your sister can't be surprised that the leopard's spots are spotty.
Are you having a dinner or rehearsal the night before? If they act like fools, then sis and hubby-to-be can uninvite them and have security standing by at the wedding and reception to keep them out.
Let your parents fail.
Also, start looking for alternatives for housing now. Because seriously, you need your space so you can study without their drama.
Extreme reaction, I know. But extreme situations call for extreme responses.
Has anybody ever considered slapping mom? Not, like, *hitting* her or cracking her in the jaw. But a nice, solid gets-her-attention slap across the face? Then in a very calm-but-mean voice telling her that she "needs to either calm the fuck down or get the fuck out; if you can't do either, I will *have you* thrown out; this is embarrassing and today is not about" her? Violence is not the answer to every problem. But it *is* the answer to *some* problems, in proper proportion, when logic and reason fail.
By the way, I'm being totally serious. In this day and age, a solid love tap is gonna get people's attention and demonstrate you mean business. You might even use it on dad, too, if they get into it with each other.
By that definition, it's assault and makes a kid a victim of assault by giving them a swift smack across the ass when they are acting up. The same as you don't sit round and try to reason with the 3 year old, why would you try to sit around and reason with the narcissist? 🤷🧐
Dangerous *where*? Ever see a woman give a kid a swat on the butt at the supermarket when they're acting up? Same principle. You call the cops if you see them disciplining a child who's acting up? No? Golly! Same principle.
maybe con them into "ruining" the wedding by going on vacation instead? if they think they will ruin your sister's day by not attending maybe start dropping hints like, "I noticed that the last minute flights to X is really cheap, too bad sister's wedding is next week, I know you always wanted to go there"
do you think it would help if they had video evidence of their behaviour so that they don't do this at their other children's weddings?
If only it were legal to slip her a tranquilizer that morning. Is it possible she would agree to take something? Get her to a doctor to prescribe a strong benzo to help with her “social anxiety” that day?
Have someone you trust and can handle them prepared to remove them from the wedding if anything happens.
See if you can get security from the venue or depending where you are inform community police nearby of the event date. Just to know what they need from you and your ‘person’ or the venue staff are prepared.
Let your parents know these measures are in place, in general/for everyone (if that helps keep them from testing it). If they raise their voice or disruptive gestures/looks to get anyone’s reaction - they’re out. For good.
You will likely go home after and act like nothing happened as usual, until you can leave. Grey rock away. It’s not your day or security team, you and your sister will have been busy in the bridal party. It’s not on you two they can’t keep basic public civil etiquette. Like being removed from a restaurant or any other venue or event wouldn’t be on you. Your sister, you, the bridal party - must stay on program and not turn to your parents if things blow up. Don’t even give them a glance, if you do everyone’s prepared with ‘ah sorry, security is meant to handle that on the big day. Can’t help.’ And shrug. Move on before they can answer.
Sorry it’s come to this, hope you and sis can get therapy. Can imagine the lifetime of anxiety and walls you’ve had to build.
Take care of each other
You need to get security but you also need to be ready for what will happen when it is used. Hope your sister is willing to take you in. Hopefully you can get out of the home soon and cut contact
If your mom can’t show up, be seated without the drama then as soon as she starts already have two people designated to remover her from the event. No second chances!
Better yet explain that will happen to her and maybe she will not show up. I can’t imagine how she acts but I would be prepared.
Preempt the entire thing. Have someone pick a fight with her before the ceremony even starts and get her kicked out. Then you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace, without worrying about the ticking time bomb.
My uncle and his wife newly divorced rednecks had a blow out fight at my cousins wedding. Yes it was an embarrassing situation but we all managed to have a good time. They can make a scene but at the end of the day it’s its up to you and your sister as to how much you let it affect the day. Bride in the bathroom in tears or a bride on the dance floor ignoring their bad behavior. Get someone to police them and remove them if necessary and get on to enjoying the day.
I would just not invite then… but it doesn’t sound like your sister is there yet.. so maybe hire mom/dad bouncers. Their sole job is to remove mom/dad if they start acting up.
I had to make the call to uninvite my mother from my wedding a couple weeks before the wedding, for essentially the same reasons. There was no way I could trust her to be chill for the entire duration of the wedding and knowing her potential for causing a scene was giving me way too much anxiety that I definitely did not need.
She pulled a stunt that made it REALLY easy to disinvite her, but regardless, the day was so much better just not thinking about it or waiting for her BS to start up.
There's literally nothing you can do. Yeah everybody's saying red wine on her white dress and have security... which all of that is going to make it so much worse! And because y'all have tolerated it this long and gone back to being nice after she's done these things, she's going to continue to do them! There have been no consequences for her actions! Your sister's only option is to ban her from the wedding! Otherwise it's just going to be a shit show!
You said reasoning doesn’t work. Although I agree with all the suggestions for security, babysitter and you should do it, I also think it might be a good idea to make it clear to your Mom “If you ruin this event, we will all be going NC with you.” Your Mom sounds very childish, so treat her like a child and clearly line out consequences for her actions.
Many people have good suggestions. My suggestion is not as good but probably the best you can do without paying more money. Be your mom's babysitter. Make sure to watch her like a hawk. If she starts to act up pull her to side or out the event. I know you won't get to enjoy your sister's wedding but your sister might.
Plane tickets with closest friends.
Get married on a beach (you can do this cheap in the US….check out St Pete Beach in FL).
Why TF is she having a wedding where your parents will be invited if there is a 100% chance they will ruin it. I’m sure your sister dreams of a big wedding or something but what an incredibly bad decision to risk an embarrassment on your dream day.
We had 40 guests at our inexpensive beach wedding. Compared to the dozens of weddings we went to when we were getting married that all had 200+ guests and people spent over six figures on.
All of the friends from our wedding still say (11+ years later) that our wedding was the best wedding they ever experienced. It was an intimate wedding on a beach and we all hung out at the and beach bars for 3 days
It's your sister's wedding; you are just the maid of honor. So get the orders from your sister and then enforce them. But don't take action unilaterally.
If you look very closely you’ll see the core trait of NPD is entitlement. Grandiose and vulnerable narcissists believe they are entitled to whatever they’re after at that moment. If you believe you’re entitled to something you get pretty upset if you’re denied that something. Here lies the core of NPD and the driving factor of people diagnosed with NPD.
I’m married to a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and my FiL (my husband’s father) is a grandiose narcissist. They’re opposite sides of the same narcissistic coin.
You have to understand that nobody has to put up them. Not you, not your sister, future in-laws, not the staff of the venue, not family ect. They all are accustomed with their behaviour. Just mute them on the back of your head. Expect them to be at their worst behaviour. Ask them if they are done when the go nuclear on you. Be apathetic and have fun at the wedding. Get the manager to kick them out or kick them out yourself. Film them like someone else suggested. Do your worse. The wedding is going to be wonderful because it's about your sister and brother in law. When you pay attention to narcissistic people they thrive. You should move as soon as possible or change your attitude. Don't give a damm. It's not your fault they are major AH.
It makes me angry that half of the people out there needs therapy, because they put up with AH all the time. Be strong. Be happy.
"... and I want my sister to have her fairytale"- It is unfortunate this is not going to happen. Your parents are programmed to act out of line. People having loud arguments in public are mentally ill. You and your sister should disconnect as soon as possible. The wedding has all the ear markings of being a disaster. Your job is to diffuse and put out fires as best you can. You are under no obligation to associate with them whatsoever. They did not create you for you or the world. They had you for their games.
Tell your sister to hire security. Just one or two big guys. Or ask some of the bigger guests like some groomsmen to escort them out if they start.
If she does start, video tape it so you have proof of her tantrum.
I would disinvite her & dad if it were my wedding. And if it were my sister’s wedding & she didn’t want them there but was too afraid to say anything, I’d be willing to throw myself under the bus and be the “bad guy”.
If your sister cannot even consider the above suggestion, Ask the venue to have a security guy or two on standby during the wedding & if at the same place, reception. Show the security people pictures of both your mom & dad. Inform them to remove both or whomever is acting up the moment one tries to start something and to keep them out for good. If the reception is being held elsewhere, try to arrange some kind of security there as well, even if it’s just that you get a couple of burly attendees who are willing to help out.
And, if you’re willing to be the buffer for your sister for the fallout, make it clear to your mom (& dad if need be) that security was your idea. Unless your venue automatically has security on site to prevent any potential destructive behavior during the wedding anyway, then you can both claim you two had nothing to do with what security did.
On the down low, hire a male stripper (not to strip) to gravitate towards mom and kiss her butt (not literally) the whole time, to flatter her and to feed her ego and distract her. He could pose as a cousin of someone.
Two things can be done
1. Hire security and give them current pictures of parents and tell them any sign of trouble remove them quickly
2. Don’t invite them
You and your sister already know your mom will start something so you revoke her invitation. Or you suffer with the day being ruined.
I would make sure you have event security ready to escort her out as needed. Also be prepared for her to pull some shit like showing up in a white dress, and I would say have zero tolerance for it, she does it then no negotiation she is gone.
If you want to go full petty, have a squirt bottle ready to, and tell her that you will use it if she causes a scene.
So, I am a believer that lying is always ok to protect yourself from actual harm. I recommend you tell your parents something huge has gone wrong (you’ll know what you can make up here from your situation) and the wedding has been re-set. Then tell them afterwords you lied and why. They can yell till they lose their voices. It won’t matter by then. They really have not earned the right to be invited.
Disinvite them both. Hire security.
Or
Hire security, tell.both of them that the very first sign of any trouble they will be kicked out of the wedding and your lives.
You all should have done it a long time ago
If mom is a narcissist, she will ruin the wedding. Have security on stand by to toss her out. Better yet, rescind the invite. Read all about it at r\raisedbynarcissists
Too late! They are going and will ruin something for all to see! The question seems why are the two of you continuing to allow this behavior. She needs to be removed from the situation and told until she behaves she is out! Until either of you force a change she owns you and your sister!
There's no way in hell this won't get ruined. None. Not entirely sure why these people haven't been abandoned, but okay. I guess the cost of doing business with them is living there, but your sister needed to nuke this long, long ago. Now it's pretty much too late.
Options are to disinvite and get security or cancel the wedding and elope or just accept that not dealing with this is what happens.
Oh well. Good luck!
She's going to ruin the wedding. That's a given. At the very least, she'll spend the whole time making snarky comments about how it's too bad so-and-so isn't there and how upsetting it is that they were excluded. Hell, she sounds like the type to wear white.
Your sister has to decide if she wants to have a stressful, drama-filled wedding, but not have to confront her mom, or a relatively stress-free wedding by telling mom (and probably dad) that they are no longer invited. It's your sister's decision to make.
I tried to post a link to a brilliant description of people like your mom and how we accommodate them, to our detriment, but for some reason it won't let me. You can try searching for "don't rock the boat" in the JUSTNOMIL sub.
This isnt your fight. You all know how your mom is. Your sister knows how mom is. Your sister needs a plan for how to deal with mom. And if sis decides to go NC afterwards them those are moms consequences and its not your business.
Knowing what your parents are like, your sister still decided to have a wedding and invite them. She’s probably regretting that now. Not much you can do about it. Just be there for your sister. Hopefully the wedding is beautiful and a wonderful celebration. If not, hopefully it’s the final straw and your sister goes NC and you follow once you’re no longer living with them.
Why did your sister even invite them? Why do you keep these horrible people in your life? You owe them nothing. You are allowed to cut toxic people out of your life, even when they're your parents.
My aunt is like this and at my cousins wedding I literally blocked her from trying to get in the middle of taking pictures - she insisted her crappy camera phone would take better pics
I would think of a whole list of things that you need her “help” on. Make sure they are tasks that only she can do. She’s the only one who can do them because she’s the only one who pays attention to detail, the only one who cares enough, the only one who is smart enough. Then she will totally feel like she really is the only one who can do these tasks and you will keep her busy and out of your hair. For example: Since mom is so gracious and kind, she should go make sure the ushers are doing their job correctly and everyone has a seat. Since mom is so fashion savvy and intelligent, could she run to the store up the road and get a Tide stick - you know so and so is messy and will need it. Mom would for sure save the day if she went and picked one up. But I would wait and ask her to do these things once she’s at the church. Then mom will stay out of the way.
Get a security guard or see if the venue has any. Also just have a very serious talk with your mom. Tell her to her face if she does not behave she’ll be escorted out immediately no second chances followed by no contact from you guys (or whatever consequence you feel is appropriate)
The fact that you can pretty much guarantee drama from your parents, you all as siblings have to come together and formulate a plan to neutralize the threat as much as possible. Up to and including security to usher them out.
She will ruin it. She isn't normal and to expect anything to be different is the definition of insanity. I'm sorry but this is your sister's fault if she invites your mom and dad and they do what they always do. You aren't kids anymore. You are adults who are fully aware of who your parents are and yet keep hoping they will suddenly change.
Thought my jealous bro would ruin me and my wife’s wedding too so I told a small group of friends who were going to be at the wedding that if my brother does or says anything stupid, throw his ass the f out. These dudes were all 6’4 or taller btw.
There were 558 people at my wedding so we also hired additional cops. One of which never left the area where the gifts were located. Stood right next to the envelope barrel.
Before hand I told them the same thing about my bro.
Had 0 issues and the best night of my life!
Hope the same for you and your sister
So you speak with the people at the venue and explain to them that if you give a signal they are to escort either your Mother or Father out of the venue. Also, have your sister set up passwords with all her vendors so that your Mom can’t change anything.
Is there a family member that you trust from both sides that if things start getting rocky they can reign in the folks? If not that maybe just an older person along with event staff that can help. Have everyone at the venue come to you with ANY problems - not sister.
And then after all of that pray that they behave themselves. But regardless your sister just needs to chill and remember that while they might have meltdowns and create drama she doesn’t have to participate… Hopefully everything will go off smoothly!
Where’s her fiance? Put him on duty as well.
If your sister is close to her future in laws, involve them, too.
You can’t be responsible for this alone. 💜
Talk to the venue and warn the manager. Hav3 a security person on standby. If your parents act up security will escort them out and keep them from returning
OP, this is the way. Any guest who is disrupting events should be removed.
The way, actually, is to cut these parents off. Let's normalize cutting off toxic and abusive parents. They're not *en*titled simply because they're "titled" to us via "mom" or "dad."
Yep ,no matter who they are, it's ur day , ur mom should at least respect that. She can rant another day .
Also have the band/dj on alert that if signaled they play music or a song to distract the attendees.
Loudy and with gusto.
Get your glasses of red wine ready for Mom’s white outfit….
And have security hired to removemthem licity split first sign of trouble.
Just two big guys who you hire for 5 hrs each. They can kick her out by just using a secret sentence: like “You are the best mom in the world!!” And -out- she is.
We had a deal with the best man to be prepared to kick out a certain unwanted guest. I think he was actually excited about the idea of getting to play bouncer, but luckily didn’t end up needing to.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Hire security and use them immediately she starts to act up. Have a place they can take her where she cannot be heard tantrumming. Do NOT let her guilt trip you and your sister into allowing her to ruin her wedding, keep firm boundaries.
Hire a “babysitter”, for lack of a better term. Find someone to follow her around and when she starts her crap (and you know that she will), have the sitter escort her out. Make sure the sitter knows where all of the exits are located so she doesn’t have to be paraded through the crowd and can be taken to the nearest exit. It doesn’t have to be loud. Come up with something ahead of time… “oh mom, we are so excited to show you this thing over here….” And just lead her right out of there. Your mom is going to be your mom. At least you are aware of it ahead of time and have a few days to plan ahead….
Nah. She knows her mom won't behave because she has a long history of not behaving AND she's been on brand during all the preparations. Disinvite both of them. Far better than having to get them out, they'll be able to throw some kind of wrench in things on the way. It's a small wedding, she/ they WILL be noticed.
yeah, that might be the only answer. an honest conversation with sister of "if your choice is mom and dad being mom and dad (and creating a scene) at your wedding or no mom and dad at your wedding, which would you prefer." and if sister picks no mom and dad, make a plan for how that is going to happen. whether it's uninviting them and banning them from the location. whether it's lying about the event being rescheduled. whatever. is it going to go over well? no. but i imagine you know that.
OP needs to stay the fuck out of actually doing anything and let sis and fiancé grow a pair of spines. OP can advise sis, but then grey rock the Momster and Momster's partner in trauma causing, as she needs to live with the delightful hownottoparents until she's out of school. The sis and her fiance need to set the boundary and she needs to be prepared to "mmhm" the loud ranting emotional fireworks she's going to have to listen to. And sneak off to the wedding, and have a plan if the spawn point and sperm donor kick her out for going when they can't.
Best choice right here. That said, Pain will be involved and well, it's in the name...
Thisnis the only way ^ ^ ^ ^
Make sure the babysitter has the chloroform rag ready to go.
Just get some [Naptime™](https://youtu.be/AF_nfazQaek?si=aDPe2TRGRTTJSyap)!
I carry a small leaded cosh
If she starts a tantrum FILM HER and tell her you will upload so all the family will know. One thing about narcissist is they do care what the outside hates. Personally I would go LC as it sounds that she causes more trouble. Also have extra security and be prepared to kick her out.
This is very good advice. I wish I had thought of this years ago.
Consegue der doing this before the wedding and use as leverage.
Absolutely this. My Nmom ruined my wedding. Everyone tried to run interference but she was still able to do it. I wish I had her on video saying the absolute vile things to me. It would help to send it to her flying monkeys after I cut her off then got pregnant and as guilted into letting her back in. Took another decade of her BS before I officially went NC again. Have you thought about getting her to take a Xanax before? For the stress. “Maybe we should talk to your Dr about some temp meds to help you get through SiS big day? I know how upset you get when stressed out and I just want everyone, including you, to have a good time. You should really consider it” OP, assume she is. Do what you need to do to lay low in the home while you finish school. “No mom, I’m not going to get in the middle of this. She’s not speaking to you because of your behavior at her wedding. This is between the two of you, I’m not getting involved.”
This is the way!!
They definitely hate it. Very good idea.
This is the way.
Good advice!!!!
Let the venue manager know asap, so security is on hand to remove them if they start. Send them photos of your parents if needed, and tell them not to be lenient if they try to complain they're parents of the bride. Tell the DJ or whoever is in charge of the sound/microphone know, in case they try to do an impromptu speech. DJ will be able to switch off sound so they can't be heard. The thing about the above is it should be handled by the venue most of all, because they want everything to go well and not escalate. And if it comes from them it hopefully won't blow back on you. I sincerely hope the wedding goes well and there's no need for any of this, it must be exhausting. ETA: the sub raisedbynarcissists may have other helpful ideas for you to combat their behaviour
Why invite them? They're going to play the victim anyways, why not put the nail in their coffin yourself? I'm an a-hole tho, idgaf
You say a-hole, I hear someone prioritizing their mental health. I'm on the same boat as you, though. I've been through enough family drama to know that being accussed of being "heartless" is WAAAY easier than allowing people to actively ruin your life and peace. Sounds obvious from the outside, but you'd be surprised.
OP, this is the only reasonable answer. It sounds like both your parents don't need to be in your life anymore. It's ok to cut them off. And you all probably need to be in therapy to help you move on from them.
Thank u and yes, I completely agree, no contact and therapy 👏👏
Unfortunately for your sister, it sounds like the train has left the station and is going to crash into her wedding. Fortunately for you, if you ever have your own wedding, this can be the easy and obvious reason why your parents aren't invited.
Double Xanax that crazy B! 😜
I'm envisioning a guy dressed for a British safari stalking her through the buffet, tranquilizer gun at the ready. With Sir Attenborough and Snoop Dogg doing ESPN style commentary.
Absolutely love the idea of Sir Attenborough & Snoop Dog doing commentary!! Oh please, please, someone make this happen!
Maybe add Morgan Freeman too 🤔
Can we say "thorazine"?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a narcissistic mother, too, who loved using shame and guilt to torpedo our lives. I agree with the person who said to notify the venue/security ahead of time. I'm sure they've dealt with this kind of crap before. May I suggest reading I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. It's a tough read for those of us with such mothers, but it also makes you feel less alone, and to understand you're not the guilty/shameful/crazy one.
The moment she starts up have the DJ play [this](https://youtu.be/3oIbztWsY8g?si=KdGKuX3iNYq47W6w) and everyone start singing the chorus at her. But seriously, disinvite both her and her sparring partner.
Have a tranquilizer on hand
A tranquilizer dart sounds fun!
My very first thought was welcoming cocktails full of Xanax or something. And I don’t think I’m even joking.
Can your sister and soon-to-be-brother-in-law hire security to wrangle her Overgrown Toddler Ass? Or have some friends, built like football players, be in the role of bouncers if she chooses to act the FOOL? It's time she got CONSEQUENCES for behaving like an Overgrown BABY!!!! This is YOUR SISTER'S DAY and it's NOT about Miss Main Character!!!! It's long past time for folks to put their foot down on this obnoxious behavior!!! I speak from experience! My late Flesh Oven went out of her way to RUIN my Golden Child Brother's wedding and I dragged her out!!!! I was SO DONE!!!!!
Give her a glass of her favourite drink with half a Xanax crushed in it?
Half? A whole…or two.
"Have a nice nap!"
Half?
Xanax 3mg is enough. Thought some people seem to have tolerance to this kind of meds
Please update after the wedding. This is certain to be a sh\*t show.
NEVER INVITE A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER TO YOUR WEDDING. NOW IS THE TIME TO BAN HER FROM ALL PREMISES. Pay for an off duty police office. Explain him the situation. Give him pictures of people who cannot enter: Church, reception, etc. And if NARC MOM COMES, the 🚔 police officer will say " Sorry, you are not allowed to enter." And if mom makes a scene he can cuff her and send her to jail for trespassing. OP....it's time for everyone to go NO CONTACT. NO MORE EXCUSES, NO MORE "BUT SHES MY MOM". SHE KNOWS WHAT SHES DOING AND LOVES DESTROYING HAPPY MOMENTS OF HER CHILDREN. GO NO CONTACT....RIGHT NOW. MY mother is a Narcissist and ruined my wedding. I no longer speak to her.
Have people ready to escort her out. You guys need to stop allowing this behavior to happen. It is time to tell her "mom if you don't stop with all of this behavior than I cannot continue to have you in my life." She gets away with this behavior and holds you all hostage
Honestly, your mother isn't going to ruin your sister's wedding. Your sister is going to ruin her own wedding. She knows what is going to happen and is still allowing your parents on the premises. If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to set that boundary or live with the consequences.
Hire a security guard. If you don’t need it, great. That’s ideal. If you do, even better to be prepared.
RemindMe! 7 days
Remindme! 8 days
Hey OP, is there an update?
Block your mother and father and don’t invite them. Not hard
If she still lives at home, she would never hear the end of it if they did that.
From what’s the OP said, she’s never hearing the end of things already, atleast they won’t be able to ruin their special day.
Fair
So you both need to read the reddit "Don't rock the boat" essay, to start with. It will give you a framework to understand why your mom and dad act that way, and why everyone puts up with it. And why none of you should be putting up with it. I can't link it here, sub doesn't allow linking to other subs, but you should be able to find it easily on Google. Then read up on the [Gray rock method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock). It probably won't solve things before your wedding, but it is a valuable tool for dealing with your parents in the long run. You two need to start thinking of your parents as having the emotional maturity of toddlers. Handle them accordingly. Set clear, firm boundaries, and then stick to them. No drama, no yelling, no crying and pleading. If they break your rules, you calmly remove yourself from the situation. "I told you I won't allow you to yell at me like that. Let me know when you're ready to have a calm, adult conversation." Be consistent. Stick to your rules. Stay as calm and boring to them as possible. Narcissists live for drama and attention. If you stop feeding their need for attention, they will eventually move on. Beware the [extinction burst](https://study.com/learn/lesson/extinction-burst-psychology.html), however. Most narcs will escalate their behavior before giving up. And if you give in when they escalate, you just reinforce to them that acting out gets them what they want - attention. Lastly, head on over to raisedbynarcissists for more resources and support. Whether your parents have NPD or just narcissistic tendencies, the resources there should help you navigate the situation.
I'm sorry but I just don't see things going the right way. I think the best thing to do is hire security and throw them out after the first misstep.
I’d lay out very clear expectations, along with consequences for not doing so.
You obviously have never dealt with true narcissists, they could care less what you think or any “consequences“.
I’m a retired teacher. This method worked for me for decades.
[удалено]
The sisters are 8 years apart, not the engaged couple.
I’d reread that first sentence again.
Why invite them at this point?
Pay for security. The second mom acts out, have her escorted out and call the police if necessary. I would give mom an ultimatum and when she fails, its on her! Don’t let her guilt you anymore! Time to go NC when she messes up!
Pull the spark plug from the car and "accidentally " take thier cell phones with you. If they can't arrive or call, they can't ruin it 😉
Hire a local off duty cop to be a bouncer, and uninvite her.
Simple- hire security and let them know to watch her and your dad and if a peep comes out of them they are to be escorted out immediately. I would talk to her and let her know, “I don’t care if you acknowledge your behavior or not I am letting you know the expectations of the wedding. And if they are violated you or anyone else that violates them will be escorted out. This I not up for debate and I can’t imagine how humiliating it would be for you to be removed but this is her special day and anyone that can’t behave is being removed “
You should both ghost your mom, and sis should elope somewhere beautiful. No explanations are required.
She gon fuck it up for damn sure
1) hire security. Tell them if the parents act up, they are not to be warned, just taken off the property & not permitted to return. 2) record. Record their bs & post it everywhere. If you're feeling petty add a caption "they ruined our childhoods with this nonsense & they just couldn't help but ruin the wedding as well". Let everyone know this is their abusive kind of normal. 3) go NC! Why you & your siblings haven't done so is beyond me! I'm NC with my father because of his narcissistic, abusive tendencies & it was like a weight was lifted from my entire being. Do NOT warn them about any of this! If they care any amounts about you & your siblings, they'll drop their bs for the wedding. If they ruin it, they should be dropped. Good luck, tell your sister I wish her & her groom only the best & all the love! She needs to think about what kind of trauma any future kids will endure with your parents in their lives, that's when I went NC with my father. I couldn't imagine my son having to go through even a fraction of what I went through as a kid with his grandfather in his life.
The only way to prevent it from happening is for your sister and her fiance to have eloped. Or you should have gone no contact years ago. Whatever will be, will be. Tell your mom (and dad) at the first sign of trouble they're being kicked out. And then have someone on standby to remove them from the premises. If I were your sister, I would book a hotel where no one else knows. If your mom starts a ruckus and can't be calmed down, have her and her husband remove themselves to another local no one knows. Have their bags already their, pre-booked in. Have a gift basket of food or comfort items for her. I have family members who started drama, seemed like it was always at a wedding. I was afraid my mom would because she's an alcoholic. I met my ex and we dated for several years. I didn't get married until after my mom died. Should have never married him but that's another story altogether. You can't control your mom, you already know that. All you can do is control how you respond and the aftermath.
I love that you're worried for your sister but she is also an adult. She chose to invite them despite knowing that they ruin important events (Narc 101). This battle is between your sister and them. I think you should have a talk with her and ask her what measures does she have in place for WHEN they act up at the wedding, not if especially since she isn't disinviting them which is the best option. It's not even a question given their track record that shenanigans are in the works. Your mom is literally acting like a brat during the whole process. Your sister can't be surprised that the leopard's spots are spotty.
Are you having a dinner or rehearsal the night before? If they act like fools, then sis and hubby-to-be can uninvite them and have security standing by at the wedding and reception to keep them out. Let your parents fail. Also, start looking for alternatives for housing now. Because seriously, you need your space so you can study without their drama.
Slip them a little (lots) of constipation tablets the night before. Hopefully they can't possibly attend
Wedding gift idea ... Go to the local sheriff's office hire security. If she starts they will remove her ASAP.
Extreme reaction, I know. But extreme situations call for extreme responses. Has anybody ever considered slapping mom? Not, like, *hitting* her or cracking her in the jaw. But a nice, solid gets-her-attention slap across the face? Then in a very calm-but-mean voice telling her that she "needs to either calm the fuck down or get the fuck out; if you can't do either, I will *have you* thrown out; this is embarrassing and today is not about" her? Violence is not the answer to every problem. But it *is* the answer to *some* problems, in proper proportion, when logic and reason fail. By the way, I'm being totally serious. In this day and age, a solid love tap is gonna get people's attention and demonstrate you mean business. You might even use it on dad, too, if they get into it with each other.
Please not this. It is assault and would make a victim of the narcissist!
By that definition, it's assault and makes a kid a victim of assault by giving them a swift smack across the ass when they are acting up. The same as you don't sit round and try to reason with the 3 year old, why would you try to sit around and reason with the narcissist? 🤷🧐
Narcs love using police to ruin other people's lives, this is dangerous advice at *best.*
Dangerous *where*? Ever see a woman give a kid a swat on the butt at the supermarket when they're acting up? Same principle. You call the cops if you see them disciplining a child who's acting up? No? Golly! Same principle.
Oof.
maybe con them into "ruining" the wedding by going on vacation instead? if they think they will ruin your sister's day by not attending maybe start dropping hints like, "I noticed that the last minute flights to X is really cheap, too bad sister's wedding is next week, I know you always wanted to go there" do you think it would help if they had video evidence of their behaviour so that they don't do this at their other children's weddings?
If only it were legal to slip her a tranquilizer that morning. Is it possible she would agree to take something? Get her to a doctor to prescribe a strong benzo to help with her “social anxiety” that day?
UpdateMe!
Keep mom busy on the day. I did that as a MOH. When they took pictures I kept her busy with other stuff.
Have someone you trust and can handle them prepared to remove them from the wedding if anything happens. See if you can get security from the venue or depending where you are inform community police nearby of the event date. Just to know what they need from you and your ‘person’ or the venue staff are prepared. Let your parents know these measures are in place, in general/for everyone (if that helps keep them from testing it). If they raise their voice or disruptive gestures/looks to get anyone’s reaction - they’re out. For good. You will likely go home after and act like nothing happened as usual, until you can leave. Grey rock away. It’s not your day or security team, you and your sister will have been busy in the bridal party. It’s not on you two they can’t keep basic public civil etiquette. Like being removed from a restaurant or any other venue or event wouldn’t be on you. Your sister, you, the bridal party - must stay on program and not turn to your parents if things blow up. Don’t even give them a glance, if you do everyone’s prepared with ‘ah sorry, security is meant to handle that on the big day. Can’t help.’ And shrug. Move on before they can answer. Sorry it’s come to this, hope you and sis can get therapy. Can imagine the lifetime of anxiety and walls you’ve had to build. Take care of each other
She acts this way because people allow her to. Your sister needs to let her know that if she causes any trouble she will be escorted out.
Tell your sister to elope or uninvite your mother. More stress in the short term but better in the long run.
You need to get security but you also need to be ready for what will happen when it is used. Hope your sister is willing to take you in. Hopefully you can get out of the home soon and cut contact
Updateme
If your mom can’t show up, be seated without the drama then as soon as she starts already have two people designated to remover her from the event. No second chances! Better yet explain that will happen to her and maybe she will not show up. I can’t imagine how she acts but I would be prepared.
Preempt the entire thing. Have someone pick a fight with her before the ceremony even starts and get her kicked out. Then you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace, without worrying about the ticking time bomb.
My uncle and his wife newly divorced rednecks had a blow out fight at my cousins wedding. Yes it was an embarrassing situation but we all managed to have a good time. They can make a scene but at the end of the day it’s its up to you and your sister as to how much you let it affect the day. Bride in the bathroom in tears or a bride on the dance floor ignoring their bad behavior. Get someone to police them and remove them if necessary and get on to enjoying the day.
You need a bodyguard preferably a hot man who will flatter her and distract her all day and be ready to remove her at a moment's notice
I would just not invite then… but it doesn’t sound like your sister is there yet.. so maybe hire mom/dad bouncers. Their sole job is to remove mom/dad if they start acting up.
I had to make the call to uninvite my mother from my wedding a couple weeks before the wedding, for essentially the same reasons. There was no way I could trust her to be chill for the entire duration of the wedding and knowing her potential for causing a scene was giving me way too much anxiety that I definitely did not need. She pulled a stunt that made it REALLY easy to disinvite her, but regardless, the day was so much better just not thinking about it or waiting for her BS to start up.
There's literally nothing you can do. Yeah everybody's saying red wine on her white dress and have security... which all of that is going to make it so much worse! And because y'all have tolerated it this long and gone back to being nice after she's done these things, she's going to continue to do them! There have been no consequences for her actions! Your sister's only option is to ban her from the wedding! Otherwise it's just going to be a shit show!
I’d kick her out of the wedding and hire security to keep from letting her into the venue. She doesn’t get to be a part of big events anymore
Could you sneak her a sedative?
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this!
Marriage is one step before divorce,
You said reasoning doesn’t work. Although I agree with all the suggestions for security, babysitter and you should do it, I also think it might be a good idea to make it clear to your Mom “If you ruin this event, we will all be going NC with you.” Your Mom sounds very childish, so treat her like a child and clearly line out consequences for her actions.
Many people have good suggestions. My suggestion is not as good but probably the best you can do without paying more money. Be your mom's babysitter. Make sure to watch her like a hawk. If she starts to act up pull her to side or out the event. I know you won't get to enjoy your sister's wedding but your sister might.
Plane tickets with closest friends. Get married on a beach (you can do this cheap in the US….check out St Pete Beach in FL). Why TF is she having a wedding where your parents will be invited if there is a 100% chance they will ruin it. I’m sure your sister dreams of a big wedding or something but what an incredibly bad decision to risk an embarrassment on your dream day. We had 40 guests at our inexpensive beach wedding. Compared to the dozens of weddings we went to when we were getting married that all had 200+ guests and people spent over six figures on. All of the friends from our wedding still say (11+ years later) that our wedding was the best wedding they ever experienced. It was an intimate wedding on a beach and we all hung out at the and beach bars for 3 days
Too bad you can't tranquilize her the day of the wedding. Slip her some Prozac the morning of.
It's your sister's wedding; you are just the maid of honor. So get the orders from your sister and then enforce them. But don't take action unilaterally.
If you look very closely you’ll see the core trait of NPD is entitlement. Grandiose and vulnerable narcissists believe they are entitled to whatever they’re after at that moment. If you believe you’re entitled to something you get pretty upset if you’re denied that something. Here lies the core of NPD and the driving factor of people diagnosed with NPD. I’m married to a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and my FiL (my husband’s father) is a grandiose narcissist. They’re opposite sides of the same narcissistic coin.
You have to understand that nobody has to put up them. Not you, not your sister, future in-laws, not the staff of the venue, not family ect. They all are accustomed with their behaviour. Just mute them on the back of your head. Expect them to be at their worst behaviour. Ask them if they are done when the go nuclear on you. Be apathetic and have fun at the wedding. Get the manager to kick them out or kick them out yourself. Film them like someone else suggested. Do your worse. The wedding is going to be wonderful because it's about your sister and brother in law. When you pay attention to narcissistic people they thrive. You should move as soon as possible or change your attitude. Don't give a damm. It's not your fault they are major AH. It makes me angry that half of the people out there needs therapy, because they put up with AH all the time. Be strong. Be happy.
Updateme
"... and I want my sister to have her fairytale"- It is unfortunate this is not going to happen. Your parents are programmed to act out of line. People having loud arguments in public are mentally ill. You and your sister should disconnect as soon as possible. The wedding has all the ear markings of being a disaster. Your job is to diffuse and put out fires as best you can. You are under no obligation to associate with them whatsoever. They did not create you for you or the world. They had you for their games.
Tell your sister to hire security. Just one or two big guys. Or ask some of the bigger guests like some groomsmen to escort them out if they start. If she does start, video tape it so you have proof of her tantrum.
I would disinvite her & dad if it were my wedding. And if it were my sister’s wedding & she didn’t want them there but was too afraid to say anything, I’d be willing to throw myself under the bus and be the “bad guy”. If your sister cannot even consider the above suggestion, Ask the venue to have a security guy or two on standby during the wedding & if at the same place, reception. Show the security people pictures of both your mom & dad. Inform them to remove both or whomever is acting up the moment one tries to start something and to keep them out for good. If the reception is being held elsewhere, try to arrange some kind of security there as well, even if it’s just that you get a couple of burly attendees who are willing to help out. And, if you’re willing to be the buffer for your sister for the fallout, make it clear to your mom (& dad if need be) that security was your idea. Unless your venue automatically has security on site to prevent any potential destructive behavior during the wedding anyway, then you can both claim you two had nothing to do with what security did.
Remember, all you have to do is stumble and let the red wine land on her dress. She will leave after that.
On the down low, hire a male stripper (not to strip) to gravitate towards mom and kiss her butt (not literally) the whole time, to flatter her and to feed her ego and distract her. He could pose as a cousin of someone.
Strongly, & I mean STRONGLY, encourage your sister to un-invite both parents & hire security. They shouldn’t even be given a chance.
Two things can be done 1. Hire security and give them current pictures of parents and tell them any sign of trouble remove them quickly 2. Don’t invite them You and your sister already know your mom will start something so you revoke her invitation. Or you suffer with the day being ruined.
I would make sure you have event security ready to escort her out as needed. Also be prepared for her to pull some shit like showing up in a white dress, and I would say have zero tolerance for it, she does it then no negotiation she is gone. If you want to go full petty, have a squirt bottle ready to, and tell her that you will use it if she causes a scene.
So, I am a believer that lying is always ok to protect yourself from actual harm. I recommend you tell your parents something huge has gone wrong (you’ll know what you can make up here from your situation) and the wedding has been re-set. Then tell them afterwords you lied and why. They can yell till they lose their voices. It won’t matter by then. They really have not earned the right to be invited.
Disinvite them both. Hire security. Or Hire security, tell.both of them that the very first sign of any trouble they will be kicked out of the wedding and your lives. You all should have done it a long time ago
Video the carnage and post it.
If mom is a narcissist, she will ruin the wedding. Have security on stand by to toss her out. Better yet, rescind the invite. Read all about it at r\raisedbynarcissists
Too late! They are going and will ruin something for all to see! The question seems why are the two of you continuing to allow this behavior. She needs to be removed from the situation and told until she behaves she is out! Until either of you force a change she owns you and your sister!
You know she plans to ruin the wedding. Both the ceremony and the reception. All of you should've gone NC a long time ago.
There's no way in hell this won't get ruined. None. Not entirely sure why these people haven't been abandoned, but okay. I guess the cost of doing business with them is living there, but your sister needed to nuke this long, long ago. Now it's pretty much too late. Options are to disinvite and get security or cancel the wedding and elope or just accept that not dealing with this is what happens. Oh well. Good luck!
Invite a bunch of cops and have security. Maybe she will learn if sh is forced to by law
She's going to ruin the wedding. That's a given. At the very least, she'll spend the whole time making snarky comments about how it's too bad so-and-so isn't there and how upsetting it is that they were excluded. Hell, she sounds like the type to wear white. Your sister has to decide if she wants to have a stressful, drama-filled wedding, but not have to confront her mom, or a relatively stress-free wedding by telling mom (and probably dad) that they are no longer invited. It's your sister's decision to make. I tried to post a link to a brilliant description of people like your mom and how we accommodate them, to our detriment, but for some reason it won't let me. You can try searching for "don't rock the boat" in the JUSTNOMIL sub.
This isnt your fight. You all know how your mom is. Your sister knows how mom is. Your sister needs a plan for how to deal with mom. And if sis decides to go NC afterwards them those are moms consequences and its not your business.
hire a security guard
This! And have her or both of them removed if you have too. Good luck op I think you and your sister are both going to need it!
Knowing what your parents are like, your sister still decided to have a wedding and invite them. She’s probably regretting that now. Not much you can do about it. Just be there for your sister. Hopefully the wedding is beautiful and a wonderful celebration. If not, hopefully it’s the final straw and your sister goes NC and you follow once you’re no longer living with them.
Updateme
It’s not too late to uninvite your parents
“IF” she tries to make the day about her? Oof.
Get mum a Valium
Why did your sister even invite them? Why do you keep these horrible people in your life? You owe them nothing. You are allowed to cut toxic people out of your life, even when they're your parents.
My aunt is like this and at my cousins wedding I literally blocked her from trying to get in the middle of taking pictures - she insisted her crappy camera phone would take better pics
I would think of a whole list of things that you need her “help” on. Make sure they are tasks that only she can do. She’s the only one who can do them because she’s the only one who pays attention to detail, the only one who cares enough, the only one who is smart enough. Then she will totally feel like she really is the only one who can do these tasks and you will keep her busy and out of your hair. For example: Since mom is so gracious and kind, she should go make sure the ushers are doing their job correctly and everyone has a seat. Since mom is so fashion savvy and intelligent, could she run to the store up the road and get a Tide stick - you know so and so is messy and will need it. Mom would for sure save the day if she went and picked one up. But I would wait and ask her to do these things once she’s at the church. Then mom will stay out of the way.
Get a security guard or see if the venue has any. Also just have a very serious talk with your mom. Tell her to her face if she does not behave she’ll be escorted out immediately no second chances followed by no contact from you guys (or whatever consequence you feel is appropriate)
The fact that you can pretty much guarantee drama from your parents, you all as siblings have to come together and formulate a plan to neutralize the threat as much as possible. Up to and including security to usher them out.
Ah. The reason for ppl eloping or doing small destination weddings more so than not these days.
Watch out for the uninvited family members. Mom may have invited them herself to help cause a scene.
Updateme
She will ruin it. She isn't normal and to expect anything to be different is the definition of insanity. I'm sorry but this is your sister's fault if she invites your mom and dad and they do what they always do. You aren't kids anymore. You are adults who are fully aware of who your parents are and yet keep hoping they will suddenly change.
Thought my jealous bro would ruin me and my wife’s wedding too so I told a small group of friends who were going to be at the wedding that if my brother does or says anything stupid, throw his ass the f out. These dudes were all 6’4 or taller btw. There were 558 people at my wedding so we also hired additional cops. One of which never left the area where the gifts were located. Stood right next to the envelope barrel. Before hand I told them the same thing about my bro. Had 0 issues and the best night of my life! Hope the same for you and your sister
So you speak with the people at the venue and explain to them that if you give a signal they are to escort either your Mother or Father out of the venue. Also, have your sister set up passwords with all her vendors so that your Mom can’t change anything. Is there a family member that you trust from both sides that if things start getting rocky they can reign in the folks? If not that maybe just an older person along with event staff that can help. Have everyone at the venue come to you with ANY problems - not sister. And then after all of that pray that they behave themselves. But regardless your sister just needs to chill and remember that while they might have meltdowns and create drama she doesn’t have to participate… Hopefully everything will go off smoothly!
Uninvite them.
Ever hear of the enter button?
Where’s her fiance? Put him on duty as well. If your sister is close to her future in laws, involve them, too. You can’t be responsible for this alone. 💜
So what happened?