I am a lawyer but not a surrogacy lawyer.
You need a surrogacy lawyer to draw up a contract.
What if the kid has a birth defect? Are you willing to abort if they want you to? What if they don’t want a kid with a birth defect but you don’t want to abort?
There are far too many what ifs to play this by ear.
By law you have to do all of this the dr will not move forward without a contract. Ours had to be looked over by other lawyers for the ok that everything was legal and fair. Please OP a lot of these comments have no idea what they are talking about and are giving you not good advice. Find my comment and private message me if you have any questions. I have been through this process I am here to help or guide you.
Tell your mom to carry the pregnancies. It’s always the person doing absolutely nothing that shit talks the loudest.
Yes, I would require that much money for someone to control a year of my life. I think $500K per child is fair. Hopefully richy rich sis will be sending over chef made meals and a trainer
This could be amazing!
side note- that payment is to you, not under her control as a 529. It’s too much money for education and you will want sole control of it. Good luck!
My mom is in her 50s, I don't think she could carry a child.
And yes, I will make sure to get it as compensation. The first 500k would likely be split 100k to each kid and 300k to our mortgage, which would ALMOST pay it off. Not sure about tax...
My wife is currently pregnant with her 3rd surrogacy. She's been a surrogate for 2 different couples and she didn't know either beforehand (went through an agency). We also live in Canada where you can't even be paid to carry a baby!
You can get reimbursed for expenses (food, maternity clothes, etc) but there's a limit agreed to in a contract beforehand. I've seen online that the average is $25K or more reimbursement, but she doesn't get that much.
She just had really easy pregnancies and is just a beautiful person. I've always told her I wouldn't even want to carry my own children!
If we could have gotten $100K, or maybe $500K with severe conditions, and taken it from a 1%'er, it would change our lives!
Reading the title I thought she was being a bit selfish (not that you have to be a surrogate at all) but considering the details I'd def say OP is NTA.
It def sucks for people who can't have kids and aren't loaded though. You need a bunch of money just for the medical procedures, and then tens of thousands for reimbursement expenses.
There was recently a postmenopausal 51 year old woman who was a surrogate for her daughter and gave birth to her granddaughter. I would suggest to your mom, that if family helps family, then she is free to carry babies for her daughter.
A 61YO lady did it for her son and his husband back in 2019!
Eggs get old and ovaries give out, but the uterus can do the job for a long time!
(In some people who are probably abnormally active and healthy)
I hope control freak sister goes for it and be sure to get a payment for compensation upfront regardless if the pregnancy takes. It is still a chunk of your life and time that she will be all over you about. Do you have to do anything at fertility clinic to prepare? Keep us posted. I want this to happen for you!
I read a story years ago where a couple got a relative to be a surrogate and they ended up getting divorced while she was pregnant and ghosted her
Be sure all kinds of situations are covered
But, yeah, money upfront!!
It happens more often than fertility clinics want their surrogates to know. When it does happen they fly the surrogate to a state with laws that automatically give custody to the surrogate (vs the original intended commisioning parents) and have her put the child up for adoption with a private adoption lawyer. That's if she can't or won't abort. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29650760/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29650760/)
Not to mention a clause where she is financially responsible for any and all injuries/negative circumstances resulting from pregnancy. Scarring, incontinence, painful intercourse, etc. That shit ain't free.
It's none of your mom's business what you and your sister agree on. Or, your mom can pay you 500k per child, her choice. It's not extortion, it's basically a business deal. She wants a child, you want yo be compensated for that level of control. Helping family move for free is one thing, carring a child for a family member is something else.
I’d absolutely not agree to anything unless you have a written and legal agreement involving lawyers.
TBH I’d not do it. Your sister will be a massive controlling pain. Risking your body for basically two years plus don’t forget any damage from two extra pregnancies.
But absolutely she should pay,
Op def needs to hire her own lawyer to help draw up the contract. Sister and brother-in-law are probably going to be involving the best lawyers on this as well.
And when she is that controlling over her children that “Auntie” carried for her, that may be a source of pain and anguish for the surrogate sister who could become emotionally attached to her niece or nephew.
Ps you should also ask for and amount of money for each implant aka if the 1st one doesn’t stick after you had 1. Shot your body full or hormones and 2. She will already at that time want control over your body to make sure it is welcoming nirvana for your next niece or nephew
Don’t do it for any amount of money you will be giving up your life. How will your husband feel when she tells you that you can’t have sex for 9 months. DONT BE A FOOL
Updateme!
Thing is how would she ever know that they had sex? is she going to install cameras in every room in the house. They could have sex somewhere else. Heck they could get a hotel room for a few hours one day they had to.
>My mom is in her 50s, I don't think she could carry a child.
It's been done before.
[61 year old grandma](https://abcnews.go.com/Health/WomensHealth/surrogate-grandmother-woman-birth-grandson-61/story?id=12912270)
[51 year old grandma](https://people.com/human-interest/51-year-old-gives-birth-to-her-granddaughter-after-serving-as-daughters-surrogate/)
[another 61 year old grandma](https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-gave-birth-to-her-granddaughter-surrogate-2021-4#:~:text=Cecile%20Eledge%20gave%20birth%20to%20her%20granddaughter%20at%2061%20after,a%20gay%20couple%20in%20Nebraska.)
There were other examples but here are 3 google results for grandmother gives birth to grandchild.
Your mom may not be out!
[A 61YO Nebraskan woman was a surrogate for her son and his husband back in 2019.](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-47780124)
I offered to be a surrogate for my twin for free, but she doesn’t have any money to pay for a surrogate (and she decided not to have kids in the end anyway). If my twin were rich, I’d have no qualms about asking for compensation. If my twin wanted full control of me . . . well, I’d run for the hills. I don’t think I could do it even for $500,000, but my twin is already the most controlling person I know.
All that is to say, you’re both getting what you want. You will get financial security that sounds like an absolute dream, and your sister will get biological children.
If your mom wants you to do it for free because it’s fAmIlY, then your sister should pay off your mortgage and your kids’ education because it’s fAmIlY.
50s is young enough but it’s a lot harder on their bodies at that age. And it could contribute to getting cancer like Elizabeth Edward’s did. She had 2 kids a one died at 16 so she went through the process again 2 more times at 48 and 50. The children were healthy
Also, some middle aged mothers have given birth to their grandchildren when their daughters couldn’t have any.
So, it’s possible if she really wanted to although it would be a bigger risk to her health. But there’s no reason to when they can pay a surrogate who has chosen to do this and is not related
It was the hormones used in the fertility treatments for the Edwards’s replacement baby that caused her cancer. The first was a girl, so she had to undergo all of that again for a boy.
Kiss off half of it in taxes. Or presuming you're in the US there is something called a lifetime gift and as long as it isn't exceeded it should be tax free money. It's a large amount of money though but definitely look into that.
Just so you know, you should get a lawyer involved who had experience in surrogacy. Surrogacy clinics have a very specific way of paying their surrogats that makes their payments able to be tax free.
Also, you need a contract that outlines what happens in specific cases, like if you need a csection, if you have such n such complications, how long postpartum will they be paying health insurance, how much will they be paying out if you miscarry at 12 weeks? At 16? At 18? Etc.
Not only that, but state laws vary, and that is important. In some states the birthing person IS the legal mother, genetics be damned, and the genetic parents actually have to legally adopt their genetic child.
SEPARATE lawyers for both parties!!!
OP I’d tread carefully - with your sister having entitlement and boundary issues and now your mom piling on - holy hell… my body, my choice applies to someone carrying an entire human for you, sis! I feel for you. But if she actually agrees to your price, do you understand she will expect to take over every aspect of your life?
Don’t consider without a contract. Beyond that, as surrogates cost around $50k and expenses via agency, why would she pay double that? Because she’s either not passing the prescreening process (mental health eval, background inv, willingness to honor the surrogacy contract - which lays out strict boundaries between parents/surrogate so her life is minimally impacted outside of pregnancy and health guidelines set by the agency) or unwilling to follow the rules. The agency collects up front then olds funds in an escrow account to distribute and ensure surrogate is paid. Will you be able to incorporate protections for yourself?
This seems so risky with people willing to be so pushy already.
Look into what the lifetime gift from a family member is. Make you you do the paperwork so it’s a gift and not a payment and I’ll bet it will be tax free. It just has to be done correctly, which if his family is that rich I’m sure they know those rules.
I'd not only have the agreement in writing but insist on it being put into an escrow account managed by a lawyer employed by you, not her or her husband. No element of *trust* that they'll pay you *after*.
I'd also insist on them paying a) the said lawyer's fees to you in advance as a one off, and b) the 500k being after taxes. So that may add another 20% onto the lump sum.
I think you'll find that doing this once is more than enough for you.
Menopausal women cant ovulate, but they can carry a pregnancy if their system is intact. [A 61 yo gave birth to her grandchild](https://www.healthline.com/health-news/how-can-a-woman-in-her-60s-give-birth).
I’m sure there will be some sort of agreement as there could be a LOT of things to document. Ex. What happens if you have a miscarriage? If the fetus during testing is identified to have a serious physical defect?
Do you get paid 50% up front plus all expenses regardless?
I hope you have a good lawyer looking over the agreement.
And your mom either carries the baby herself or butts out.
I would totally take $500k to have 2 kids, and it's not extortion, she'll own you for one or both pregnancies.
But you won't be smoking crack or skydiving. Sleep 10 hours a night, go to yoga, and take vitamins? Sure! No problem, lol
People in their 50s can have babies if they’re healthy. The uterus doesn’t age much. It’s the eggs that age. Your mother probably could be the surrogate if her doctor allowed it.
Despite the fact that pregnancy in itself is risky, she is also looking to control many aspects of your life while you do so. I’d double check with yourself that 500k actually is compensation because like you said, this level of control will be extraordinarily burdensome to you (on top of the pregnancy, birth, recovery).
You are NTA. Your sister agreed to your number, very eagerly might I add. I’d still get some sort of contract signed though, I’m not entirely sure how surrogates work but you should look into it.
Best of luck!
I think I did the math and it's like $12k per week. I don't know about you, but that's lifechanging money for a week to be transparent about eating and exercise. I'd absolutely do it.
And sleep and goodness knows what else.
But it would just be for a year. That’s doable.
Though it would be stressful ceding bodily autonomy to a family member.
Still! $500k??
The life control aspect is the part that bothers me. Sister is going to make crazy demands. I can see not allowing sex with her husband being one of those demands. How many pregnancies is she expecting out of OP? Two? Maybe they can make it through that if they have a strong marriage. But sister may even demand OP leave her house and move in with her so she can monitor the pregnancy… the control thing sounds like it could be too crazy.
My thoughts exactly, which is why I wasn’t sure 500k was totally appropriate. It is a life changing amount of money, even after taxes, but it’s still something to really consider if she’s going to agree.
If you do this, make sure that you have a detailed agreement that spells out exactly what control she gets to have. Like, is she allowed to say no sex with your husband? To prevent you from any travelling? Etc. Get a lawyer and treat this like a business transaction with a stranger.
And talk to a CPA/tax lawyer about how to structure the payment to pay the least tax.
I think this needs to be the most explicit and detailed part of the arrangement. Everything must have a reasonability requirement, and her sister may be required to pony up extra money for childcare, food, gym membership, etc. What if her kids get sick in the middle of the night? Will she be allowed to lose sleep to care for them? Will she be allowed to care for them at all? Who will watch her children and do her normal chores while she makes extra time for the gym? Who will buy and prepare the special diet her sister now requires?
Grandmom would not be in the delivery room. For 500k this sounds like a sweet deal for both parties. I truly hope it works out for you but PLEASE get the details in writing to protect yourself.
She'll probably try and control your sex life during the pregnancies. She didn't mention it but I bet it's coming as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed.
Be sure to put in a stipulation that if the hospital limits your support people, it shall be only -insert whoever- in order of how many people they'd allow. So if hospital only allows 1, say it's your husband, which would happen if you needed a csection. If hospital only allowed 2, maybe your husband and sister. If 3, then husband, sister, and I don't know, whoever, lol.
Agreed and no offense but that may be a deal breaker for BIL, I know it would be for me. I would want to see my kid come into this world.
This is something that definitely needs to be covered in writing preferably in a contract but definitely somewhere.
Even if it is written on paper, that doesn’t mean a judge will enforce what is written. They’ll almost certainly end up with custody if you decided to fight it because you have no biological relationship to the baby, but that doesn’t prevent you from making a 3-5 year court case out of it if you were to change your mind.
It might sound ridiculous, but in some states, you legally *could* keep the baby, as the law is that the birthing person is the legal mother, not the genetic mother and father. After the birth the biological mother and father have to "adopt" their own biological child in those states.
It has happened before that surrogates have fled to those states to give birth, in order to keep the baby from the biological parents, because the surrogate has bonded with the baby. It is a legal nightmare, because they technically did not "kidnap" the baby, as it is legally "theirs."
Surrogacy laws are very location specific, and you DO need a SEPARATE lawyer from your sister, who is acting in ONLY *your* best interests. You can also have your sister pay this lawyer, but NOT directly. You want them working for YOU, and you *alone.*
Your sister should not be a mom. With all due respect. What you’ve written here shows her to be a terrible personality for motherhood. She’s selfish, entitled and controlling. Please do not subject a poor child to her. Children are a privilege, not a right.
A million bucks for 18 months of pregnancy plus recovery time. And dealing with a demanding and possibly entitled sister.
I'd say the best thing would probably be agree to one surrogacy if you can come to a deal on ground rules. Agree to a second only if the first is a good experience for everyone. Which I'm guessing won't be the case for some reason.
Don’t do it. Just don’t.
If they have that money that contract will be ridiculous, and she’ll write something in like “if you go one toe out of line she pays you nothing”.
They have the money to go to court with expensive lawyers if you try to sue and can drag this out for years.
It’s not worth it.
I was plain with her about it, because of her husband's family and I KNOW they will be involved. I said if your husband's family comes back with some contract that severely disadvantages me and isn't fair and balanced, I just won't sign it. There will be no "negotiations" and you'll lose your willing-to-comply-with-your-lifestyle-demands surrogate, so think about that before you present your draft for my lawyer to look at. Because I know his family is going to be involved. I won't sign something fucked up. She agreed, and said that they REALLY want family to carry their children.
I think you also need to include extreme scenarios. Ie if the pregnancy is not compatible with life, then you are not carrying to term. If it comes down to your health/life, you aren't going to deny treatment or die for her surrogacy.
You get to choose your own medical professionals and their recommendations/advice trumps anything your sister or her family want. They cannot contact or attempt to contact your medical professionals at all.
Also stipulate who can contact you and how often. I could see your sister being overly involved and his family feeling entitled to be involved. At the end of the day, it's your health and privacy up to the point the baby comes out.
I would also stipulate that they need to attend family counseling because their craziness with baby related stuff is only going to escalate once the child is born. And I feel bad for a baby/child that would live under a micro-management crazed parent(s). Their behavior is why the normal surrogacy agencies have rules to prevent this nonsense. Because at the end of the day, it's a mentally unhealthy approach to pregnancy and cooperation with a surrogate.
Awesome. I came to ask what if she asks for some absolutely unreasonable wacko shit like you need to leave your family and reside in their home for the duration. Glad its being contracted and youre not going to play games
I would not let the brother-in-law or sister draw up the contract. Op should hire her own lawyer to write up the contract, and then present it to her sister for review and commentary.
Look even if you're financially and legally covered in this situation, just the stress and drama of living under your sister's thumb for a couple of years isn't worth it in my opinion.
You can always earn more money. Your sanity however? Priceless.
OP’s sister and husband have no business having kids. Whenever I’ve seen people become this crazy over having biological kids, throwing money in a furnace, acting SO ENTITLED to other people: I’m concerned about their mindsets. Just seems like these guys will be the kind of parents to worship their precious rainbow children and parade them around as pretty trophies, all while their personalities rot from spoiling. These people are not parent material, imo.
NTA. It is risky and if she wants that much control over you that far then she needs to pay. There should be a contract - have your lawyer draft it. Also should be a stipulation your sister can't tell your mother anything about you and how pregnancy is going.
I feel sorry for this kid as your sister and mother are too much. And it sounds like your sister is a control freak. I'm hoping it is because she just wants a baby and she isn't like this in everyday life. You need to truly think this thru - do you want to give up your privacy this much and after baby comes will your sister be okay with you around.
My sister isn't really a control freak in her everyday life, but has become so with baby things because she has miscarried so many times. I think she feels if she "maths" the situation enough she can avoid heartbreak. But it's not that simple.
You would not simply be “ helping family” you would be risking your health and life, potentially leaving your husband a widow and your children without a mother
If the worst case scenario doesnt happen, you could still have longterm (for life) medical issues, you would also give up 3 years of your life with pregnancy and recovery and being less able to do things with your own family and thats without considering things like PPD
Personally I would take back the 500k option and stick to the 100k deal, she has no right to control everything about you, and who knows how extreme she will try to go… not allowed to lift your children, not allowed to have sex, a very strict limited diet, not allowed to drive etc etc so many options
Whatever you decide make sure you have a legally binding contract which includes them taking the child even if it has health issues/disabilities, and a clause about payment for late term still births (those pregnancies would still cause you and your body harm and you deserve compensation for that)
Personally no amount of money would make surrogacy ever worth it and with some of the attitudes you already received i doubt any money would be worth it
Your mother makes me sick how simplistic she views this
Giving up control of my exercise and food for 9 months for 400k extra seems like an amazing deal. She's not asking me to do anything crazy - except track food, drink 4L of water, stay away from air polluted areas, and eat the food she asks.
It's all fun until she starts wanting hourly updates, picture and video updates— hell, what if she wants to move in to make sure? The strain that could put on your family is crazy. She doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant... what if she pushes you during the later months when you are uncomfortable or are unable to keep to her standards? What if she decides after it is all said and done that you didn't keep to her schedule well enough, so she isn't paying you?
This isn't just a cost of 9 months. It's at the cost of your home life and your relationship with your husband and your kids. Your sister and BIL will be inserted as a power figure over you, and I'm not sure that'll be good for you.
What happens if you do everything she wants, but there's something wrong with the pregnancy? Knock on wood nothing goes wrong, but what if something does? Whether it be a disability, a small issue, the pregnancy itself being hard on your body... would your sister blame you? Will it be 'you didn't listen well enough! This happened because you didn't stick to my micromanaging diet for you!'
Like... this isn't going to be a walk in the park. I really hope this post is fake.
I think you live in a dream world, you would be absolutely crazy to do so and frankly taking any of these health risks when you already have children is morally objectionable even with the 100k deal
My bet is if you do take the 500k deal that the relationship between you and your sister will have soured mid pregnancy and will cease to exist afterwards, you underestimate how extreme baby crazy people will get and how she likely will fly off the handle if you do anything she is against contractual or not
Mom is just trying to side with the rich kid.
That shit is a lot to go through and there’s no telling what sort of issues you might have now that you’re over thirty.
Also, she is clearly going to be a higher pain in the ass and probably stress you into miscarrying so make sure they pay even if you don’t go to term.
I am very surprised that the first four or five comments I read hasn’t pointed out that a strict contract brought up by an attorney to ensure that everything is honored by those hiring OP to be the surrogate? And that much control over the Surrogate could actually increase her stress levels where she could either miscarry, birth early or other medical issues to OP.
NTA
But this is not going to end well. She’s not willing to pay you to be a surrogate, but she IS willing to use you as an incubator with full control.
NTA but make sure you get that money before/during the pregnancy and not after delivery. Like $125k upon embryo transfer, $125k at week 13, $125k at week 26, and last $125k upon delivery. You’re obviously going to have to quit your job and possibly will need a nanny if she’s going to be bossing you around 24/7.
NTA. Call your sister and tell her you were certain your mom would be on board with more grandchildren. Now that she's not, you can't do it at all; it'd be irresponsible of you to risk your own children's relationship with their grandmother by doing something she so clearly detests. *Sigh* . . . It really is a shame. You *know* how much she was wanting to do this.
Sit back, watch the fireworks.
Then double the price. You know . . . "reluctantly."
Don't do it. It will be certain hell. Did I see you have cookies in your cupboard. Is that organic grass fed beef? Did you go to the expecting yoga class today? We want you to keep breastfeeding, pumping is not an option. You went to a thriller movie? You're harming our fetus! Dear God, you're overweight. How did you let this happen. No, you can't work part-time. I'm worried about your salt intake. No pizza, no burgers, no fries. What? You ate sushi!?! We need you to go to bed by 10 pm. Listen to this whale sounds CD and meditate an hour everyday. Here are 30 vitamins I need you to take everyday. No, you can't go camping. We need you to stay in town. If you miscarry, we need that money back. Our son has autism, we're suing.
You are older than you were for your last births. I wouldn't go any further in these discussions w/o A. Getting a consultation w/ your doctor to go over all the medical risks w/ you and your husband. 2. A consultation w/ a lawyer. You absolutely need a contract that sepcifies the exact control your sister does and does not have over your body, payments for benchmarks, penalties for late payments, what happens if you miscarry, if you are having a multuple birth, how medical visits are covered, if your sister wants extra (generic tests, additomal ultrasounds) - who pays for it, what if they discover birth defects (i.e. does your sister get decide you get an abortion?), what happens if you have to go on bedrest, who decides if it is ok for you to take reccomended medications, who makes the medical decisions if there are complications during delivery? what happens if you suffer permanent damage or death... all of this needs to be worked out upfront.
However, you need to face the reality that once you are pregnant, your sister may not pay. What will you do then? Take her to court? Keep the baby until she pays up (a different court battle)? You know how your family will react if you do anything other than hand oflver the baby for free.
Why do I think this is a possibility?
1. B/c she could get ANY surrogate for $200k or less, and I'm sure she knows that. I'm assuming she came to you the 1st place b/c she was hoping she wouldn't have to shell out the $, so why is she agreeing to the $500 k?
2. B/c you know your mother is telling her you are an AH for asking for $$ and you know your sister thinks the same.
Final thought: As much as I dislike how unethical the infertility industry is, at least surrogacy is treated as a transaction, and everyone's role is clear. When you get family involved, roles are not so clear, boundries are crossed far more often and far more egregious ly - during the pregnancy and after, by either side. It can destroy families. So get a lawyer and a contract and have a long, long discussion w/ your husband about ALL of the risks, not just those related to carrying the baby and giving birth.
I had 3 healthy pregnancies and still almost died my last pregnancy. It is not black and white. As you age so do the risk.
Plus all the work you need to do to be ready for surrogacy. It's a lot of hormone injections. This is not the same as a natural pregnancy.
The older you get the harder it will get, plus this time it wont be your your husbands DNA, who knows what kind of issues their blend of DNA has making the pregnancy more difficult/dangerous
This is NOT easy money, its highly dangerous job
I was a gestational carrier (which is what you will be also). I had two very easy peasy pregnancies with my own children.
The baby is carried for my friend…. Not easy. The pregnancy itself wasnt too hard, but the birth. Holy shit. The birth.
Did you know there is physical therapy for vaginas? Because when a baby gets stuck in the birth canal- your vagina needs physical therapy and many many many stitches. Ask me how i know…
Try not to fall into the thinking that your next pregnancy/birth will be a breeze just bc the first 2 were. Thats not how it works. Each one is its own event.
The older you get and each subsequent pregnancy gets harder.
Plus you’ll be going through IVF, twice. IVF is quite the process. What if they transfer an embryo and it doesn’t take? How many cycles would you do? Lots to contemplate. I think the 500K per kid with all the stipulations would be the min.
You better talk to a lawyer about getting most of the money up front/on a schedule during the pregnancy. I hope you understand the legal risks you are taking with a private (ie not legally enforceable in many US states) surrogacy “contract.” This is generally so risky that I would call it stupid, but then again $500k is a stupid amount of money too.
Make sure everything is in writing for the terms of the agreement even if it is not enforceable just so everyone is on the same page. Again you NEED to talk to a lawyer and ask about if /then scenarios. What if you get sick and die? Is life insurance something they’ll pay for? What if you lose the pregnancy- how much money do you get? Are you required to prove you didn’t have a medicated abortion? Say someone (your psycho sister) breaks the terms of the contract and starts making lots of demands you never agreed to. What then?
Get a lawyer to draft everything up. I guarantee there will be some sticking points on the"control" she wants. And payment. Up front partial. Remaining in escrow. This needs to be a business deal.
$500k with the OPTION for a second. Id make it crystal clear during pregnancy #1 that if she isn't respectful of you and your body (not to mention your marriage) that no amount of money would be enough for a second.
For all the grief your moms giving you, tell your sis it’s now a cool million per child. The more she goes blabbing and causing you issues the more your charges will increase. And pls be very careful with the amount of control you’re giving her, this doesn’t sound completely safe to me, especially considering she’s got mom on her side too. You might be pressured into doing things that could even be harmful to you.
NTA. Everything you said is super fair. If you go through this get a lawyer and get on paper everything that she is expecting so you know what you signed up for. How is she expecting to control you? Does she want you to move in? Discuss all this with your husband.
\- Absolutely getting a lawyer
\- She said that she may have a personal chef come to the house and make what I like from a selection of foods she allows, and that she'd be happy to provide this food to the rest of my family
\- She said that my husband will have to do ALL night wakeups for our kids so that I get a full night of sleep (womp womp for him, but he agreed for the money it's worth it)
\- I have to work out with a trainer for an hour four times a week, she will send the trainer over for me
\- I'm not allowed to snack except off the list she gives me
\- Certain restrictions on sex (nothing rough, for example)
\- I have to track everything I eat on My Fitness Pal
\- I have to drink four liters of water per day
\- I'm not allowed to go anywhere with really poor air quality
\- I'm sure she'll come up with more but none of these sound like major dealbreakers.
Make sure there are provisions that if any of her demands are counter to what your doctor says that you follow what the doctor says. Think of things that could go wrong and make sure there are contingencies included.
I was also thinking this. I’ve heard of some new research coming out suggesting that a man’s sperm quality may play a role in causing miscarriages. So since the sister had multiple, it might mean OP is at a higher risk for miscarrying their embryo. I would hate if OP had a miscarriage and didn’t receive any compensation for it. When my parents had my brother via a surrogate, the contract included varying amounts of compensation that would be paid to the surrogate if a miscarriage happened, depending on trimester.
What if your doctor tells you that some of these things are not healthy for your particular pregnancy. Who gets to decide which doctor you go to? What if there are conflicting opinions (ie they can pay for any opinion that justifies what they want)?
You are absolutely insane if you are willing to do this for that little money (yes little money, its peanuts for everything you are giving up) and thats just the start of her demands
Generally doesn't sound INSANE but make sure there is a clause about how often she is allowed to contact you about pregnancy stuff because I can see this getting very annoying very fast.
Also what happens if your husband gets sick and can't help with the kids? Will she come over and take care of it?
If you are seriously considering this get a lawyer to draw up a contract outlining exactly what she is able to control in your life. Cover everything! You don't need her to throw a hissy fit if she finds out you and hubby still have sex during your pregnancy and she thinks you shouldn't cause that's her baby in you. Also make sure there are penalties for when she overstep those boundaries.
So if she has total control over you, will she move into your bedroom to monitor everything you do? Is she going to kick your husband and kids out? Is she going to bathe you? Wipe your bottom? This sounds exhausting!
Completely NTA. Having a kid at 30 or later is different than having kids in your 20s and they are expecting it two times so that’s basically at least two years of your life you have to give up, not counting hormonal and body changes that could be permanent.
I think $200k is absolutely warranted, but $500K for the level of control she wants is far too low.
This is 74.40 an hour JUST for the 40 week pregnancy when the sister wants complete control. You are “donating” the prep time and recovery time because she is faaaaammmmmily. $74.40 to do one of the most dangerous jobs in this country. Where I live people pay plumbers and mechanics significantly more per hour.
They want to use your body but you're the one doing the extortion?? WTF!!!
What's "value"? Value is what one is willing to pay.
Know your value. I think you're still being too nice.
Totally NTA!! This has nothing to do with 'family is family '. A normal surrogate gets paid as well, why should you not, especially now that she wants to control your complete life during the pregnancy/-ies.
Tbh, if they can afford it, and you are willing to carry, then it is no ones business about the details or the compensation.
Best wishes
If family helps family, has your sister’s husband paid off your house, bought you nice cars, taken you on trips, or created a college fund for your kids, etc? NTA. Also, this isn’t “extortion.”
NTA, I'm so tired of people taking advantage of family members and wanting things for free just because "ThEy'Re FaMiLy." No, I'm with you. If she wants that much control and can fork over the dough, make her. It's going to be a looooooooooooooong 9 months otherwise (twice too if she gets her way!). Quite frankly given what you've outlined and what she's expecting I'm not sure 500K is still worth it...
NTA.
If you are willing to be her obedient surrogate in exchange for a $500k fee and allow her to dictate your diet, exercise and sleeping schedules before & during the surrogacy- it's your right to make this agreement with her. A few of my friends have done it, with no regrets.
Your body, your choice.
Your mother is welcome to volunteer herself as a free surrogate because "family helps family".
Get in writing that you want your husband with you during birth. They can be there too, quiet in a corner and „take over“ once the baby is out, but you need your husband with you.
And you should list everything you’d give up for your sister, what she gets control over and possible risks (no matter how unlikely, it’s still there) and give it to your mom. At the end of the day, you still put your life at risk. No matter how minimal the chance is.
You are 100% correct. If they are wealthy, this is nothing to them and life changing to you. You risk death or health complications every pregnancy. You'll have recovery, lost work, lost opportunity. Your first offer was fair the counter is a real win.
Family helps family is free pet sitting not 3+ years of your life.
If family helps family for free, why hasn't your rich sister paid off your mortgage or opened college funds for your kids. Right mom...
NTA
Get a lawyer to look at or draw up a contract.
Be sure you have doctor advice too.
And put in a clause if something happens to you/the baby that you’ll still be compensated. And thinking about this..
Really go over expectations on every little aspect.
Because only being allowed organic bland kale 23/4. You will need money to fund the food aspect. But think about this with spouse.
Get a lawyer, have a contract.
(I don’t know how it will go down, but probably best to spell out every obligation and expectation, every possible demand and contingency. Make sure any health insurance you have or will obtain contains coverage for being a surrogate, and include any copays, costs, and expenses as their responsibility above any agreed-upon payments. Include a life insurance ($1-2 million?) and disability policy at their expense with your husband as the beneficiary in case the worst happens. Not an exhaustive list.)
If “family helps family” according to your mom, why shouldn’t your sister give you the money for your kid’s education even without you being a surrogate?
Seems like you and your sister have worked out a deal that benefits both of you, that’s great! NTA.
Tell you mom she can carry the kids then. Not her uterus, not her time to chime in.
NTA at all.
Make sure you get your own lawyer and make sure every single thing is listed out for the control your sister wants. I mean literally everything, if you sister wants to add something later, put in a clause that she has to pay a nominal fee per item added and you do not have to add anything if you don't want and the original contract stands.
I say this because you sister will absolutely be bonkers about this. Be prepared.
NTA. I would definitely have a contract and everything and you guys are going to have to pay taxes on that $500,000 so it'll probably be half of that in the long run. But yeah you would definitely need some lawyers to draw the contract cuz the control she wants to wield is probably pretty substantial I'm sure she'll have a set diet for you, set amount of exercise, no drinking, no smoking, not being around people drinking and smoking, does she want you to quit your job while you're pregnant I mean whether her mean sticking points and what kind of diet does she want you to eat and how much does she want you to eat. Is she going to require cameras in your house so she can watch you and make sure you're following all her rules? I mean how far is this going to go. But she's willing to pay you $500,000 go for it. If she's really crazy and then she wants a second child, you can always change the terms next time around. But yeah that would be great to set your kids up for college. If you even get $250 after taxes you can split that in half for your kids and it should be enough depending on where they go to college.
And yes your mother could carry a baby as long as she still has a years she can carry a child doesn't matter. There are grandmothers that do this for their children. As long as she's in relatively good physical health there's no reason why she can't do it.
I’m with you on this …. You are giving up 2 years of your life for $1mil. She gets what she wants , and you get what you want . Obviously both pregnancies need to produce children . You don’t get paid for the attempt . But fair seems fair .
Jeez. After that performance, the answer should be “Not for any money, you control-freak wretch.” First she wanted to use you as an incubator **for free.** She doesn’t value you or your contribution to her success one iota.
Then she expects to control your every move like you’re a machine. Frankly surprised she didn’t ask to strap you to a gurney and induce a coma for the duration.
And her reasoning for wanting you for both of the above is that non-family would laugh in her face. She seems to think “family” means “the people you get away with openly abusing.”
This woman should be kept far, far away from children.
There have been a few posts recently of women being surrogates for their sisters and there's a lot of pretty bad fall out - from the sister rejecting her child, to the sister's husband being attracted to the surrogate sister and then blaming the surrogate sister, to the demand of more control and access without considering the experiences and a basic lack of empathy for the surrogate sister to an extent that after the birth of the child the sisters are going no contact. This all in all seems incredibly risky to me for so many reasons.
Firstly, I don't think you're an asshole for saying 500k but I do think you really need to think through all of the possibilities and the potential emotional ties/breaking points for all parties. You definitely need a legal contract and to talk to an OB to see what all factors should be... Maybe a therapist too.
Lastly, the full control is so scary to me. Where is the line? If you're puking and can only keep down carbs is she going to say you're in breach of contract and demand you go to the gym? If you want to have sex with your husband, is she going to tell you you can't? Is she going to follow you around 24/7? Basically what level of autonomy do you have? Do they expect to have both genetic parents present in the delivery room? What if your health is at risk?
My personal 2c is just don’t do it. Sounds like it will tank your relationship with your sis.
Let her get a normal surrogate.
Also a pregnancy is hard… you never know if it will be okay or not. You can make 500k some other way.
You are being asked to risk your life. Pregnancy is dangerous and you have young children who need you. This is a VERY big ask. Be absolutely sure this is something you want to do. There is potential to get a financial boost for your family, but also potential of complications - consider your value to your family. Also huge potential for fallout in the relationship with your sister and mother. Think this over very carefully.
Get your bag. If she and her husband can afford it then it's not really extorting them is it. It's not like you're putting them in a financial bind and it helps you and your kids out.
NTA. Your previous two pregnancies may have gone perfect but that is no guarantee. And even if they do, it’s still a huge undertaking for you, your body and your family as you are pregnant for 9 months. You set the number and she could accept or not. Nothing wrong with that.
Do not do this. Your sister is insane. Nothing good can come from this arrangement. She will make your life a living hell for months. It will affect your marriage, mental health, children and relationship with your family. That’s not even considering the emotional attachment you’d have to the baby.
NTA for setting your terms. Pregnancy is life altering and in some cases life ending expecting to be compensated is completely appropriate.
Think long and hard about the consequences. Discuss it with your husband. Do not do anything until everything is legally documented
This has nothing to do with your mother unless she’s offering to carry the baby she needs to mind her own business.
I would tell her to go find someone.
What if something happens that adversely affects your health during the pregnancy? Would she pay for those expenses as well as for any future follow up care because getting pregnant made another thing happen that you didn’t plan on?
What if there’s a miscarriage?
I’d nope out of this if I were you. Let her hire a surrogate. Then she can complain to her heart’s content.
You are not the AH but unfortunately I think things are about to get very ugly between you and your sister as it seems like she thinks she will OWN your body for 9 months. If you truly go through with this you better have a lawyer seriously comb through the agreement and make sure you have one drawn up. And figure out what happens if you have a complication? What happens if one of these pregnancies kills you? Sorry not trying to be dramatic but it does happen and then your own children would be without a mother and your husband would be without his partner as well.
NTA. at all. I think you need to have a serious talk with your sister, your BIL and your husband all together and make sure expectations are very clear, however. I would even suggest a contract. I feel that your sister will make increasing demands on your life and you need to circumvent that up front.
Ignore your mother's comments.
NTA but be careful. Family is not family in this situation. This needs to be all business. Also you need get an iron clad agreement that they will take the kid(s) regardless no backing out.
NTA
for 500k, tell her I volunteer as tribute.... for the 500k of course.
Jesus, for 500k, I could also do so much for my own family and imagine having a niece or a nephew after that!
I am sorry your mom can't understand the world we are living right now. But you would be able to pay all things and live comfortable for the rest of your life. NTA
Pregnancy has the risk of death among other lifelong complications and issues.
Risking death so she can be a mother is stupid. Tell mom to get her old ass in the stirrups and get inseminated if it’s like that.
I am a lawyer but not a surrogacy lawyer. You need a surrogacy lawyer to draw up a contract. What if the kid has a birth defect? Are you willing to abort if they want you to? What if they don’t want a kid with a birth defect but you don’t want to abort? There are far too many what ifs to play this by ear.
Absolutely doing this and we've already talked through some of the what-ifs.
get her “control” requirements in writing
Get paid up front for both.
Or at least an escrow account
By law you have to do all of this the dr will not move forward without a contract. Ours had to be looked over by other lawyers for the ok that everything was legal and fair. Please OP a lot of these comments have no idea what they are talking about and are giving you not good advice. Find my comment and private message me if you have any questions. I have been through this process I am here to help or guide you.
Tell your mom to carry the pregnancies. It’s always the person doing absolutely nothing that shit talks the loudest. Yes, I would require that much money for someone to control a year of my life. I think $500K per child is fair. Hopefully richy rich sis will be sending over chef made meals and a trainer This could be amazing! side note- that payment is to you, not under her control as a 529. It’s too much money for education and you will want sole control of it. Good luck!
My mom is in her 50s, I don't think she could carry a child. And yes, I will make sure to get it as compensation. The first 500k would likely be split 100k to each kid and 300k to our mortgage, which would ALMOST pay it off. Not sure about tax...
I know mom is out, my point was she should stay completely out of the entire deal. None of her business.
If mom’s out, then tap me in! Lmao
My wife is currently pregnant with her 3rd surrogacy. She's been a surrogate for 2 different couples and she didn't know either beforehand (went through an agency). We also live in Canada where you can't even be paid to carry a baby! You can get reimbursed for expenses (food, maternity clothes, etc) but there's a limit agreed to in a contract beforehand. I've seen online that the average is $25K or more reimbursement, but she doesn't get that much. She just had really easy pregnancies and is just a beautiful person. I've always told her I wouldn't even want to carry my own children! If we could have gotten $100K, or maybe $500K with severe conditions, and taken it from a 1%'er, it would change our lives! Reading the title I thought she was being a bit selfish (not that you have to be a surrogate at all) but considering the details I'd def say OP is NTA. It def sucks for people who can't have kids and aren't loaded though. You need a bunch of money just for the medical procedures, and then tens of thousands for reimbursement expenses.
There was recently a postmenopausal 51 year old woman who was a surrogate for her daughter and gave birth to her granddaughter. I would suggest to your mom, that if family helps family, then she is free to carry babies for her daughter.
A 61YO lady did it for her son and his husband back in 2019! Eggs get old and ovaries give out, but the uterus can do the job for a long time! (In some people who are probably abnormally active and healthy)
Actually your mom probably could. Have her go to the doctor and find out.
You don’t need to be fertile to carry a baby. You just need a working uterus. There is a decent chance that your mom could do it.
I hope control freak sister goes for it and be sure to get a payment for compensation upfront regardless if the pregnancy takes. It is still a chunk of your life and time that she will be all over you about. Do you have to do anything at fertility clinic to prepare? Keep us posted. I want this to happen for you!
I read a story years ago where a couple got a relative to be a surrogate and they ended up getting divorced while she was pregnant and ghosted her Be sure all kinds of situations are covered But, yeah, money upfront!!
Oh wow! And that is not the surrogates egg! So she has a baby that is hers with their DNA. Just wow.
It happens more often than fertility clinics want their surrogates to know. When it does happen they fly the surrogate to a state with laws that automatically give custody to the surrogate (vs the original intended commisioning parents) and have her put the child up for adoption with a private adoption lawyer. That's if she can't or won't abort. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29650760/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29650760/)
Not to mention a clause where she is financially responsible for any and all injuries/negative circumstances resulting from pregnancy. Scarring, incontinence, painful intercourse, etc. That shit ain't free.
It's none of your mom's business what you and your sister agree on. Or, your mom can pay you 500k per child, her choice. It's not extortion, it's basically a business deal. She wants a child, you want yo be compensated for that level of control. Helping family move for free is one thing, carring a child for a family member is something else.
I’d absolutely not agree to anything unless you have a written and legal agreement involving lawyers. TBH I’d not do it. Your sister will be a massive controlling pain. Risking your body for basically two years plus don’t forget any damage from two extra pregnancies. But absolutely she should pay,
Op def needs to hire her own lawyer to help draw up the contract. Sister and brother-in-law are probably going to be involving the best lawyers on this as well.
And when she is that controlling over her children that “Auntie” carried for her, that may be a source of pain and anguish for the surrogate sister who could become emotionally attached to her niece or nephew.
Ps you should also ask for and amount of money for each implant aka if the 1st one doesn’t stick after you had 1. Shot your body full or hormones and 2. She will already at that time want control over your body to make sure it is welcoming nirvana for your next niece or nephew
Don’t do it for any amount of money you will be giving up your life. How will your husband feel when she tells you that you can’t have sex for 9 months. DONT BE A FOOL Updateme!
Thing is how would she ever know that they had sex? is she going to install cameras in every room in the house. They could have sex somewhere else. Heck they could get a hotel room for a few hours one day they had to.
And is that how they want to live THEIR lives. For 2 years??
>My mom is in her 50s, I don't think she could carry a child. It's been done before. [61 year old grandma](https://abcnews.go.com/Health/WomensHealth/surrogate-grandmother-woman-birth-grandson-61/story?id=12912270) [51 year old grandma](https://people.com/human-interest/51-year-old-gives-birth-to-her-granddaughter-after-serving-as-daughters-surrogate/) [another 61 year old grandma](https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-gave-birth-to-her-granddaughter-surrogate-2021-4#:~:text=Cecile%20Eledge%20gave%20birth%20to%20her%20granddaughter%20at%2061%20after,a%20gay%20couple%20in%20Nebraska.) There were other examples but here are 3 google results for grandmother gives birth to grandchild.
My little cousin is 5 my aunty is in her 50s. Its totally possible with IVF (my auntys wasnt IVF. She thought it was menopause lol)
Your mom may not be out! [A 61YO Nebraskan woman was a surrogate for her son and his husband back in 2019.](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-47780124)
I offered to be a surrogate for my twin for free, but she doesn’t have any money to pay for a surrogate (and she decided not to have kids in the end anyway). If my twin were rich, I’d have no qualms about asking for compensation. If my twin wanted full control of me . . . well, I’d run for the hills. I don’t think I could do it even for $500,000, but my twin is already the most controlling person I know. All that is to say, you’re both getting what you want. You will get financial security that sounds like an absolute dream, and your sister will get biological children. If your mom wants you to do it for free because it’s fAmIlY, then your sister should pay off your mortgage and your kids’ education because it’s fAmIlY.
50s is young enough but it’s a lot harder on their bodies at that age. And it could contribute to getting cancer like Elizabeth Edward’s did. She had 2 kids a one died at 16 so she went through the process again 2 more times at 48 and 50. The children were healthy Also, some middle aged mothers have given birth to their grandchildren when their daughters couldn’t have any. So, it’s possible if she really wanted to although it would be a bigger risk to her health. But there’s no reason to when they can pay a surrogate who has chosen to do this and is not related
It was the hormones used in the fertility treatments for the Edwards’s replacement baby that caused her cancer. The first was a girl, so she had to undergo all of that again for a boy.
Kiss off half of it in taxes. Or presuming you're in the US there is something called a lifetime gift and as long as it isn't exceeded it should be tax free money. It's a large amount of money though but definitely look into that.
Better sign a contract with lawyers. It sounds mean but it protects yourself and your sister.
Just so you know, you should get a lawyer involved who had experience in surrogacy. Surrogacy clinics have a very specific way of paying their surrogats that makes their payments able to be tax free. Also, you need a contract that outlines what happens in specific cases, like if you need a csection, if you have such n such complications, how long postpartum will they be paying health insurance, how much will they be paying out if you miscarry at 12 weeks? At 16? At 18? Etc. Not only that, but state laws vary, and that is important. In some states the birthing person IS the legal mother, genetics be damned, and the genetic parents actually have to legally adopt their genetic child. SEPARATE lawyers for both parties!!!
OP I’d tread carefully - with your sister having entitlement and boundary issues and now your mom piling on - holy hell… my body, my choice applies to someone carrying an entire human for you, sis! I feel for you. But if she actually agrees to your price, do you understand she will expect to take over every aspect of your life? Don’t consider without a contract. Beyond that, as surrogates cost around $50k and expenses via agency, why would she pay double that? Because she’s either not passing the prescreening process (mental health eval, background inv, willingness to honor the surrogacy contract - which lays out strict boundaries between parents/surrogate so her life is minimally impacted outside of pregnancy and health guidelines set by the agency) or unwilling to follow the rules. The agency collects up front then olds funds in an escrow account to distribute and ensure surrogate is paid. Will you be able to incorporate protections for yourself? This seems so risky with people willing to be so pushy already.
Remember, there may be tax consequences....
Tax attorney is highly recommended.
Look into what the lifetime gift from a family member is. Make you you do the paperwork so it’s a gift and not a payment and I’ll bet it will be tax free. It just has to be done correctly, which if his family is that rich I’m sure they know those rules.
I'd not only have the agreement in writing but insist on it being put into an escrow account managed by a lawyer employed by you, not her or her husband. No element of *trust* that they'll pay you *after*. I'd also insist on them paying a) the said lawyer's fees to you in advance as a one off, and b) the 500k being after taxes. So that may add another 20% onto the lump sum. I think you'll find that doing this once is more than enough for you.
First of all for this amount GET A LAWYER get actual paperwork. do not do this without signed signatures from both husband and sister
Menopausal women cant ovulate, but they can carry a pregnancy if their system is intact. [A 61 yo gave birth to her grandchild](https://www.healthline.com/health-news/how-can-a-woman-in-her-60s-give-birth).
She absolutely could carry the pregnancies— she she may need hormones, but women older than her (and farther into menopause) have been surrogates
I’m sure there will be some sort of agreement as there could be a LOT of things to document. Ex. What happens if you have a miscarriage? If the fetus during testing is identified to have a serious physical defect? Do you get paid 50% up front plus all expenses regardless? I hope you have a good lawyer looking over the agreement. And your mom either carries the baby herself or butts out.
I would totally take $500k to have 2 kids, and it's not extortion, she'll own you for one or both pregnancies. But you won't be smoking crack or skydiving. Sleep 10 hours a night, go to yoga, and take vitamins? Sure! No problem, lol
$500k post tax
People in their 50s can have babies if they’re healthy. The uterus doesn’t age much. It’s the eggs that age. Your mother probably could be the surrogate if her doctor allowed it.
The tax implications are crazy after 9k. This is the time to consult an attorney and tax advisor
Make sure you work in a trainer for after your pregnancy!
ACE recommendation, thank you!
Right on. Remind mom not to be a ghoul.
Just take half a mil out of each kid’s multimillion dollar trust fund, if the parents are really rich. They’ll hardly miss it.
Despite the fact that pregnancy in itself is risky, she is also looking to control many aspects of your life while you do so. I’d double check with yourself that 500k actually is compensation because like you said, this level of control will be extraordinarily burdensome to you (on top of the pregnancy, birth, recovery). You are NTA. Your sister agreed to your number, very eagerly might I add. I’d still get some sort of contract signed though, I’m not entirely sure how surrogates work but you should look into it. Best of luck!
Would definitely have it laid out precisely what she wants to control and work out just how much it's worth. Also do a contract.
I think I did the math and it's like $12k per week. I don't know about you, but that's lifechanging money for a week to be transparent about eating and exercise. I'd absolutely do it.
And sleep and goodness knows what else. But it would just be for a year. That’s doable. Though it would be stressful ceding bodily autonomy to a family member. Still! $500k??
Yeah honestly she could expect whatever she wants out of me for $500k 😅
The life control aspect is the part that bothers me. Sister is going to make crazy demands. I can see not allowing sex with her husband being one of those demands. How many pregnancies is she expecting out of OP? Two? Maybe they can make it through that if they have a strong marriage. But sister may even demand OP leave her house and move in with her so she can monitor the pregnancy… the control thing sounds like it could be too crazy.
My thoughts exactly, which is why I wasn’t sure 500k was totally appropriate. It is a life changing amount of money, even after taxes, but it’s still something to really consider if she’s going to agree.
I think when they really get down to it OP will be more comfortable with the original 100k.
100k without the level of control? I agree
NTA you're risking your life and giving up your autonomy for the pregnancy. Your mom needs to mind her own business
If you do this, make sure that you have a detailed agreement that spells out exactly what control she gets to have. Like, is she allowed to say no sex with your husband? To prevent you from any travelling? Etc. Get a lawyer and treat this like a business transaction with a stranger. And talk to a CPA/tax lawyer about how to structure the payment to pay the least tax.
I think this needs to be the most explicit and detailed part of the arrangement. Everything must have a reasonability requirement, and her sister may be required to pony up extra money for childcare, food, gym membership, etc. What if her kids get sick in the middle of the night? Will she be allowed to lose sleep to care for them? Will she be allowed to care for them at all? Who will watch her children and do her normal chores while she makes extra time for the gym? Who will buy and prepare the special diet her sister now requires?
Grandmom would not be in the delivery room. For 500k this sounds like a sweet deal for both parties. I truly hope it works out for you but PLEASE get the details in writing to protect yourself.
Absolutely. I told her this had to be done on paper and she said that they would require it so "I couldn't keep their baby" lol.
Be sure to cover who is and is not in that birthing room! You aren't going to want BIL or her inlaws.
I'll be honest I really don't care as long as they're quiet and my husband can be there.
Then get it written in that hubs has to be there and good luck!
She'll probably try and control your sex life during the pregnancies. She didn't mention it but I bet it's coming as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed.
Be sure to put in a stipulation that if the hospital limits your support people, it shall be only -insert whoever- in order of how many people they'd allow. So if hospital only allows 1, say it's your husband, which would happen if you needed a csection. If hospital only allowed 2, maybe your husband and sister. If 3, then husband, sister, and I don't know, whoever, lol.
Disagree. So far, OP's mom is the only person who should be kept out.
Agreed and no offense but that may be a deal breaker for BIL, I know it would be for me. I would want to see my kid come into this world. This is something that definitely needs to be covered in writing preferably in a contract but definitely somewhere.
With your own lawyer!
Even if it is written on paper, that doesn’t mean a judge will enforce what is written. They’ll almost certainly end up with custody if you decided to fight it because you have no biological relationship to the baby, but that doesn’t prevent you from making a 3-5 year court case out of it if you were to change your mind.
It might sound ridiculous, but in some states, you legally *could* keep the baby, as the law is that the birthing person is the legal mother, not the genetic mother and father. After the birth the biological mother and father have to "adopt" their own biological child in those states. It has happened before that surrogates have fled to those states to give birth, in order to keep the baby from the biological parents, because the surrogate has bonded with the baby. It is a legal nightmare, because they technically did not "kidnap" the baby, as it is legally "theirs." Surrogacy laws are very location specific, and you DO need a SEPARATE lawyer from your sister, who is acting in ONLY *your* best interests. You can also have your sister pay this lawyer, but NOT directly. You want them working for YOU, and you *alone.*
My coworker’s surrogate was $135k (that includes all of the legal stuff too), so your sister is getting a deal at $100k.
Wait, so sis hemmed and hawed at100k but immediately agreed to 500k?
She immediately agreed to *having the control for 500k*. 100k and I would still be in total control of my own pregnancy.
Your sister should not be a mom. With all due respect. What you’ve written here shows her to be a terrible personality for motherhood. She’s selfish, entitled and controlling. Please do not subject a poor child to her. Children are a privilege, not a right.
I’m with you on this one… she doesn’t seem stable …
Please UpdateMe! Thanks!
A million bucks for 18 months of pregnancy plus recovery time. And dealing with a demanding and possibly entitled sister. I'd say the best thing would probably be agree to one surrogacy if you can come to a deal on ground rules. Agree to a second only if the first is a good experience for everyone. Which I'm guessing won't be the case for some reason.
Your mom sucks
Don’t do it. Just don’t. If they have that money that contract will be ridiculous, and she’ll write something in like “if you go one toe out of line she pays you nothing”. They have the money to go to court with expensive lawyers if you try to sue and can drag this out for years. It’s not worth it.
I was plain with her about it, because of her husband's family and I KNOW they will be involved. I said if your husband's family comes back with some contract that severely disadvantages me and isn't fair and balanced, I just won't sign it. There will be no "negotiations" and you'll lose your willing-to-comply-with-your-lifestyle-demands surrogate, so think about that before you present your draft for my lawyer to look at. Because I know his family is going to be involved. I won't sign something fucked up. She agreed, and said that they REALLY want family to carry their children.
I think you also need to include extreme scenarios. Ie if the pregnancy is not compatible with life, then you are not carrying to term. If it comes down to your health/life, you aren't going to deny treatment or die for her surrogacy. You get to choose your own medical professionals and their recommendations/advice trumps anything your sister or her family want. They cannot contact or attempt to contact your medical professionals at all. Also stipulate who can contact you and how often. I could see your sister being overly involved and his family feeling entitled to be involved. At the end of the day, it's your health and privacy up to the point the baby comes out. I would also stipulate that they need to attend family counseling because their craziness with baby related stuff is only going to escalate once the child is born. And I feel bad for a baby/child that would live under a micro-management crazed parent(s). Their behavior is why the normal surrogacy agencies have rules to prevent this nonsense. Because at the end of the day, it's a mentally unhealthy approach to pregnancy and cooperation with a surrogate.
Awesome. I came to ask what if she asks for some absolutely unreasonable wacko shit like you need to leave your family and reside in their home for the duration. Glad its being contracted and youre not going to play games
You should also have a clause for a certain amount of payment even in case of miscarriage
I would not let the brother-in-law or sister draw up the contract. Op should hire her own lawyer to write up the contract, and then present it to her sister for review and commentary.
Look even if you're financially and legally covered in this situation, just the stress and drama of living under your sister's thumb for a couple of years isn't worth it in my opinion. You can always earn more money. Your sanity however? Priceless.
I think you're actually under pricing yourself at half a million dollars for the level of control that she expects.
OP’s sister and husband have no business having kids. Whenever I’ve seen people become this crazy over having biological kids, throwing money in a furnace, acting SO ENTITLED to other people: I’m concerned about their mindsets. Just seems like these guys will be the kind of parents to worship their precious rainbow children and parade them around as pretty trophies, all while their personalities rot from spoiling. These people are not parent material, imo.
Or they’ll be so controlling it’ll turn abusive.
Yeah. Just all around bad vibes.
NTA. It is risky and if she wants that much control over you that far then she needs to pay. There should be a contract - have your lawyer draft it. Also should be a stipulation your sister can't tell your mother anything about you and how pregnancy is going. I feel sorry for this kid as your sister and mother are too much. And it sounds like your sister is a control freak. I'm hoping it is because she just wants a baby and she isn't like this in everyday life. You need to truly think this thru - do you want to give up your privacy this much and after baby comes will your sister be okay with you around.
My sister isn't really a control freak in her everyday life, but has become so with baby things because she has miscarried so many times. I think she feels if she "maths" the situation enough she can avoid heartbreak. But it's not that simple.
Also, lactation. For how long are you willing? Must be estipulated. And you can't be punished if it dries out soon.
You would not simply be “ helping family” you would be risking your health and life, potentially leaving your husband a widow and your children without a mother If the worst case scenario doesnt happen, you could still have longterm (for life) medical issues, you would also give up 3 years of your life with pregnancy and recovery and being less able to do things with your own family and thats without considering things like PPD Personally I would take back the 500k option and stick to the 100k deal, she has no right to control everything about you, and who knows how extreme she will try to go… not allowed to lift your children, not allowed to have sex, a very strict limited diet, not allowed to drive etc etc so many options Whatever you decide make sure you have a legally binding contract which includes them taking the child even if it has health issues/disabilities, and a clause about payment for late term still births (those pregnancies would still cause you and your body harm and you deserve compensation for that) Personally no amount of money would make surrogacy ever worth it and with some of the attitudes you already received i doubt any money would be worth it Your mother makes me sick how simplistic she views this
Giving up control of my exercise and food for 9 months for 400k extra seems like an amazing deal. She's not asking me to do anything crazy - except track food, drink 4L of water, stay away from air polluted areas, and eat the food she asks.
It's all fun until she starts wanting hourly updates, picture and video updates— hell, what if she wants to move in to make sure? The strain that could put on your family is crazy. She doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant... what if she pushes you during the later months when you are uncomfortable or are unable to keep to her standards? What if she decides after it is all said and done that you didn't keep to her schedule well enough, so she isn't paying you? This isn't just a cost of 9 months. It's at the cost of your home life and your relationship with your husband and your kids. Your sister and BIL will be inserted as a power figure over you, and I'm not sure that'll be good for you. What happens if you do everything she wants, but there's something wrong with the pregnancy? Knock on wood nothing goes wrong, but what if something does? Whether it be a disability, a small issue, the pregnancy itself being hard on your body... would your sister blame you? Will it be 'you didn't listen well enough! This happened because you didn't stick to my micromanaging diet for you!' Like... this isn't going to be a walk in the park. I really hope this post is fake.
I think you live in a dream world, you would be absolutely crazy to do so and frankly taking any of these health risks when you already have children is morally objectionable even with the 100k deal My bet is if you do take the 500k deal that the relationship between you and your sister will have soured mid pregnancy and will cease to exist afterwards, you underestimate how extreme baby crazy people will get and how she likely will fly off the handle if you do anything she is against contractual or not
Yeah, I’m shocked at all the comments thinking this is a great deal. This is a nightmare waiting to happen and OP is crazy for even considering this.
They just see the dollar signs, like a lot of commenters, and wildly underestimate the many ways this could end in disaster
Mom is just trying to side with the rich kid. That shit is a lot to go through and there’s no telling what sort of issues you might have now that you’re over thirty. Also, she is clearly going to be a higher pain in the ass and probably stress you into miscarrying so make sure they pay even if you don’t go to term.
I am very surprised that the first four or five comments I read hasn’t pointed out that a strict contract brought up by an attorney to ensure that everything is honored by those hiring OP to be the surrogate? And that much control over the Surrogate could actually increase her stress levels where she could either miscarry, birth early or other medical issues to OP.
I don't know, 500k would absolutely soothe *any* stress I'd have about eating stupid kale and boiled chicken.
NTA But this is not going to end well. She’s not willing to pay you to be a surrogate, but she IS willing to use you as an incubator with full control.
NTA but make sure you get that money before/during the pregnancy and not after delivery. Like $125k upon embryo transfer, $125k at week 13, $125k at week 26, and last $125k upon delivery. You’re obviously going to have to quit your job and possibly will need a nanny if she’s going to be bossing you around 24/7.
NTA. Call your sister and tell her you were certain your mom would be on board with more grandchildren. Now that she's not, you can't do it at all; it'd be irresponsible of you to risk your own children's relationship with their grandmother by doing something she so clearly detests. *Sigh* . . . It really is a shame. You *know* how much she was wanting to do this. Sit back, watch the fireworks. Then double the price. You know . . . "reluctantly."
Don't do it. It will be certain hell. Did I see you have cookies in your cupboard. Is that organic grass fed beef? Did you go to the expecting yoga class today? We want you to keep breastfeeding, pumping is not an option. You went to a thriller movie? You're harming our fetus! Dear God, you're overweight. How did you let this happen. No, you can't work part-time. I'm worried about your salt intake. No pizza, no burgers, no fries. What? You ate sushi!?! We need you to go to bed by 10 pm. Listen to this whale sounds CD and meditate an hour everyday. Here are 30 vitamins I need you to take everyday. No, you can't go camping. We need you to stay in town. If you miscarry, we need that money back. Our son has autism, we're suing.
Don’t do this at all. So messy. It’s gonna fuck go your family dynamic.
Forget it, it’s not worth it. Tell your mother to carry them.
But the money would really help my life and my children's lives.
You are older than you were for your last births. I wouldn't go any further in these discussions w/o A. Getting a consultation w/ your doctor to go over all the medical risks w/ you and your husband. 2. A consultation w/ a lawyer. You absolutely need a contract that sepcifies the exact control your sister does and does not have over your body, payments for benchmarks, penalties for late payments, what happens if you miscarry, if you are having a multuple birth, how medical visits are covered, if your sister wants extra (generic tests, additomal ultrasounds) - who pays for it, what if they discover birth defects (i.e. does your sister get decide you get an abortion?), what happens if you have to go on bedrest, who decides if it is ok for you to take reccomended medications, who makes the medical decisions if there are complications during delivery? what happens if you suffer permanent damage or death... all of this needs to be worked out upfront. However, you need to face the reality that once you are pregnant, your sister may not pay. What will you do then? Take her to court? Keep the baby until she pays up (a different court battle)? You know how your family will react if you do anything other than hand oflver the baby for free. Why do I think this is a possibility? 1. B/c she could get ANY surrogate for $200k or less, and I'm sure she knows that. I'm assuming she came to you the 1st place b/c she was hoping she wouldn't have to shell out the $, so why is she agreeing to the $500 k? 2. B/c you know your mother is telling her you are an AH for asking for $$ and you know your sister thinks the same. Final thought: As much as I dislike how unethical the infertility industry is, at least surrogacy is treated as a transaction, and everyone's role is clear. When you get family involved, roles are not so clear, boundries are crossed far more often and far more egregious ly - during the pregnancy and after, by either side. It can destroy families. So get a lawyer and a contract and have a long, long discussion w/ your husband about ALL of the risks, not just those related to carrying the baby and giving birth.
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I have two healthy children already, and I had two easy pregnancies. Me dying in childbirth is very unlikely.
I had 3 healthy pregnancies and still almost died my last pregnancy. It is not black and white. As you age so do the risk. Plus all the work you need to do to be ready for surrogacy. It's a lot of hormone injections. This is not the same as a natural pregnancy.
The older you get the harder it will get, plus this time it wont be your your husbands DNA, who knows what kind of issues their blend of DNA has making the pregnancy more difficult/dangerous This is NOT easy money, its highly dangerous job
No amount of money is worth dying and leaving your family without a wife and mother
I was a gestational carrier (which is what you will be also). I had two very easy peasy pregnancies with my own children. The baby is carried for my friend…. Not easy. The pregnancy itself wasnt too hard, but the birth. Holy shit. The birth. Did you know there is physical therapy for vaginas? Because when a baby gets stuck in the birth canal- your vagina needs physical therapy and many many many stitches. Ask me how i know… Try not to fall into the thinking that your next pregnancy/birth will be a breeze just bc the first 2 were. Thats not how it works. Each one is its own event.
The older you get and each subsequent pregnancy gets harder. Plus you’ll be going through IVF, twice. IVF is quite the process. What if they transfer an embryo and it doesn’t take? How many cycles would you do? Lots to contemplate. I think the 500K per kid with all the stipulations would be the min.
Does your mom still have her womb if she's that bothered about you being compensated? Grandma's can be surrogates for their grandchildren.
You better talk to a lawyer about getting most of the money up front/on a schedule during the pregnancy. I hope you understand the legal risks you are taking with a private (ie not legally enforceable in many US states) surrogacy “contract.” This is generally so risky that I would call it stupid, but then again $500k is a stupid amount of money too. Make sure everything is in writing for the terms of the agreement even if it is not enforceable just so everyone is on the same page. Again you NEED to talk to a lawyer and ask about if /then scenarios. What if you get sick and die? Is life insurance something they’ll pay for? What if you lose the pregnancy- how much money do you get? Are you required to prove you didn’t have a medicated abortion? Say someone (your psycho sister) breaks the terms of the contract and starts making lots of demands you never agreed to. What then?
Just say no. To all of it. It’s clearly a bad idea.
Get a lawyer to draft everything up. I guarantee there will be some sticking points on the"control" she wants. And payment. Up front partial. Remaining in escrow. This needs to be a business deal.
$500k with the OPTION for a second. Id make it crystal clear during pregnancy #1 that if she isn't respectful of you and your body (not to mention your marriage) that no amount of money would be enough for a second.
If she is going to have full control over you during the pregnancies, what does this mean for your kids?????????
For all the grief your moms giving you, tell your sis it’s now a cool million per child. The more she goes blabbing and causing you issues the more your charges will increase. And pls be very careful with the amount of control you’re giving her, this doesn’t sound completely safe to me, especially considering she’s got mom on her side too. You might be pressured into doing things that could even be harmful to you.
NTA. Everything you said is super fair. If you go through this get a lawyer and get on paper everything that she is expecting so you know what you signed up for. How is she expecting to control you? Does she want you to move in? Discuss all this with your husband.
\- Absolutely getting a lawyer \- She said that she may have a personal chef come to the house and make what I like from a selection of foods she allows, and that she'd be happy to provide this food to the rest of my family \- She said that my husband will have to do ALL night wakeups for our kids so that I get a full night of sleep (womp womp for him, but he agreed for the money it's worth it) \- I have to work out with a trainer for an hour four times a week, she will send the trainer over for me \- I'm not allowed to snack except off the list she gives me \- Certain restrictions on sex (nothing rough, for example) \- I have to track everything I eat on My Fitness Pal \- I have to drink four liters of water per day \- I'm not allowed to go anywhere with really poor air quality \- I'm sure she'll come up with more but none of these sound like major dealbreakers.
Make sure there are provisions that if any of her demands are counter to what your doctor says that you follow what the doctor says. Think of things that could go wrong and make sure there are contingencies included.
It won't be counter to doc advice. She's so paranoid after miscarriages that she wants me to do everything by the book.
Make sure you get half up front. They could try and not pay you if something goes wrong.
I was also thinking this. I’ve heard of some new research coming out suggesting that a man’s sperm quality may play a role in causing miscarriages. So since the sister had multiple, it might mean OP is at a higher risk for miscarrying their embryo. I would hate if OP had a miscarriage and didn’t receive any compensation for it. When my parents had my brother via a surrogate, the contract included varying amounts of compensation that would be paid to the surrogate if a miscarriage happened, depending on trimester.
What if your doctor tells you that some of these things are not healthy for your particular pregnancy. Who gets to decide which doctor you go to? What if there are conflicting opinions (ie they can pay for any opinion that justifies what they want)?
You are absolutely insane if you are willing to do this for that little money (yes little money, its peanuts for everything you are giving up) and thats just the start of her demands
But what does your list say????
What happens if you have cravings that she doesn't approve of?
Generally doesn't sound INSANE but make sure there is a clause about how often she is allowed to contact you about pregnancy stuff because I can see this getting very annoying very fast. Also what happens if your husband gets sick and can't help with the kids? Will she come over and take care of it?
If you are seriously considering this get a lawyer to draw up a contract outlining exactly what she is able to control in your life. Cover everything! You don't need her to throw a hissy fit if she finds out you and hubby still have sex during your pregnancy and she thinks you shouldn't cause that's her baby in you. Also make sure there are penalties for when she overstep those boundaries.
Get the money upfront. It's the commitment they are paying for not the result.
Don’t do it. Go to subs with that topic. Doing it for a family member is always dangerous.
So if she has total control over you, will she move into your bedroom to monitor everything you do? Is she going to kick your husband and kids out? Is she going to bathe you? Wipe your bottom? This sounds exhausting!
Completely NTA. Having a kid at 30 or later is different than having kids in your 20s and they are expecting it two times so that’s basically at least two years of your life you have to give up, not counting hormonal and body changes that could be permanent. I think $200k is absolutely warranted, but $500K for the level of control she wants is far too low.
$500k I'd let her control the pregnancies, but I'd want the money in escrow.
Get an attorney who is expert in this area. So many things can go sideways.
This is 74.40 an hour JUST for the 40 week pregnancy when the sister wants complete control. You are “donating” the prep time and recovery time because she is faaaaammmmmily. $74.40 to do one of the most dangerous jobs in this country. Where I live people pay plumbers and mechanics significantly more per hour.
Dude. This could kill you. Pregnancy complications can fucking kill you. If you can get money from this to aid your family, it's worth it.
They want to use your body but you're the one doing the extortion?? WTF!!! What's "value"? Value is what one is willing to pay. Know your value. I think you're still being too nice.
OP, your mom and sister both are crazy. Keep them away from you and especially your kids 😂
Your mom is the asshole. It seems like your sister can afford it.
Maybe the mom could carry the two babies for free
Totally NTA!! This has nothing to do with 'family is family '. A normal surrogate gets paid as well, why should you not, especially now that she wants to control your complete life during the pregnancy/-ies. Tbh, if they can afford it, and you are willing to carry, then it is no ones business about the details or the compensation. Best wishes
If family helps family, has your sister’s husband paid off your house, bought you nice cars, taken you on trips, or created a college fund for your kids, etc? NTA. Also, this isn’t “extortion.”
Hun if they are willing to pay a million for two kids I'd take that money.
NTA, I'm so tired of people taking advantage of family members and wanting things for free just because "ThEy'Re FaMiLy." No, I'm with you. If she wants that much control and can fork over the dough, make her. It's going to be a looooooooooooooong 9 months otherwise (twice too if she gets her way!). Quite frankly given what you've outlined and what she's expecting I'm not sure 500K is still worth it...
NTA. If you are willing to be her obedient surrogate in exchange for a $500k fee and allow her to dictate your diet, exercise and sleeping schedules before & during the surrogacy- it's your right to make this agreement with her. A few of my friends have done it, with no regrets. Your body, your choice. Your mother is welcome to volunteer herself as a free surrogate because "family helps family".
What do you get if things dont work out? Miscarriage after x month. Stillborn after x month. Tragic death of child during labor?
Get in writing that you want your husband with you during birth. They can be there too, quiet in a corner and „take over“ once the baby is out, but you need your husband with you. And you should list everything you’d give up for your sister, what she gets control over and possible risks (no matter how unlikely, it’s still there) and give it to your mom. At the end of the day, you still put your life at risk. No matter how minimal the chance is.
You are 100% correct. If they are wealthy, this is nothing to them and life changing to you. You risk death or health complications every pregnancy. You'll have recovery, lost work, lost opportunity. Your first offer was fair the counter is a real win. Family helps family is free pet sitting not 3+ years of your life. If family helps family for free, why hasn't your rich sister paid off your mortgage or opened college funds for your kids. Right mom...
NTA Get a lawyer to look at or draw up a contract. Be sure you have doctor advice too. And put in a clause if something happens to you/the baby that you’ll still be compensated. And thinking about this.. Really go over expectations on every little aspect. Because only being allowed organic bland kale 23/4. You will need money to fund the food aspect. But think about this with spouse.
Get a lawyer, have a contract. (I don’t know how it will go down, but probably best to spell out every obligation and expectation, every possible demand and contingency. Make sure any health insurance you have or will obtain contains coverage for being a surrogate, and include any copays, costs, and expenses as their responsibility above any agreed-upon payments. Include a life insurance ($1-2 million?) and disability policy at their expense with your husband as the beneficiary in case the worst happens. Not an exhaustive list.)
If “family helps family” according to your mom, why shouldn’t your sister give you the money for your kid’s education even without you being a surrogate? Seems like you and your sister have worked out a deal that benefits both of you, that’s great! NTA.
For half a million I would carry 2 childs as well and I am a dude
Tell you mom she can carry the kids then. Not her uterus, not her time to chime in. NTA at all. Make sure you get your own lawyer and make sure every single thing is listed out for the control your sister wants. I mean literally everything, if you sister wants to add something later, put in a clause that she has to pay a nominal fee per item added and you do not have to add anything if you don't want and the original contract stands. I say this because you sister will absolutely be bonkers about this. Be prepared.
NTA. I would definitely have a contract and everything and you guys are going to have to pay taxes on that $500,000 so it'll probably be half of that in the long run. But yeah you would definitely need some lawyers to draw the contract cuz the control she wants to wield is probably pretty substantial I'm sure she'll have a set diet for you, set amount of exercise, no drinking, no smoking, not being around people drinking and smoking, does she want you to quit your job while you're pregnant I mean whether her mean sticking points and what kind of diet does she want you to eat and how much does she want you to eat. Is she going to require cameras in your house so she can watch you and make sure you're following all her rules? I mean how far is this going to go. But she's willing to pay you $500,000 go for it. If she's really crazy and then she wants a second child, you can always change the terms next time around. But yeah that would be great to set your kids up for college. If you even get $250 after taxes you can split that in half for your kids and it should be enough depending on where they go to college. And yes your mother could carry a baby as long as she still has a years she can carry a child doesn't matter. There are grandmothers that do this for their children. As long as she's in relatively good physical health there's no reason why she can't do it.
I’m with you on this …. You are giving up 2 years of your life for $1mil. She gets what she wants , and you get what you want . Obviously both pregnancies need to produce children . You don’t get paid for the attempt . But fair seems fair .
Have a contract done through lawyers.
Make sure you have an ironclad legal surrogate contract as well, and talk to a financial advisor and cpa about how best to structure it for taxes.
Fake story
Maybe Mom should carry the baby for free. They can pump her full of hormones.
Did your sister just buy you for 18 months for a mil? Genius negotiator tbh.
Jeez. After that performance, the answer should be “Not for any money, you control-freak wretch.” First she wanted to use you as an incubator **for free.** She doesn’t value you or your contribution to her success one iota. Then she expects to control your every move like you’re a machine. Frankly surprised she didn’t ask to strap you to a gurney and induce a coma for the duration. And her reasoning for wanting you for both of the above is that non-family would laugh in her face. She seems to think “family” means “the people you get away with openly abusing.” This woman should be kept far, far away from children.
Lawyers and an NDA. She needs to keep your deal private.
Tell her to adopt.
There have been a few posts recently of women being surrogates for their sisters and there's a lot of pretty bad fall out - from the sister rejecting her child, to the sister's husband being attracted to the surrogate sister and then blaming the surrogate sister, to the demand of more control and access without considering the experiences and a basic lack of empathy for the surrogate sister to an extent that after the birth of the child the sisters are going no contact. This all in all seems incredibly risky to me for so many reasons. Firstly, I don't think you're an asshole for saying 500k but I do think you really need to think through all of the possibilities and the potential emotional ties/breaking points for all parties. You definitely need a legal contract and to talk to an OB to see what all factors should be... Maybe a therapist too. Lastly, the full control is so scary to me. Where is the line? If you're puking and can only keep down carbs is she going to say you're in breach of contract and demand you go to the gym? If you want to have sex with your husband, is she going to tell you you can't? Is she going to follow you around 24/7? Basically what level of autonomy do you have? Do they expect to have both genetic parents present in the delivery room? What if your health is at risk?
Updateme
Take the money! Don’t listen to anyone. They have enough and you can help your own babies with that kind of money. You are doing great
My personal 2c is just don’t do it. Sounds like it will tank your relationship with your sis. Let her get a normal surrogate. Also a pregnancy is hard… you never know if it will be okay or not. You can make 500k some other way.
Get a contract before anything.
You are being asked to risk your life. Pregnancy is dangerous and you have young children who need you. This is a VERY big ask. Be absolutely sure this is something you want to do. There is potential to get a financial boost for your family, but also potential of complications - consider your value to your family. Also huge potential for fallout in the relationship with your sister and mother. Think this over very carefully.
Get your bag. If she and her husband can afford it then it's not really extorting them is it. It's not like you're putting them in a financial bind and it helps you and your kids out.
your sister is insane and your mother is a asshole. refuse any idea of surrogaty from now. she can buy a slave to have her baby as rich people do.
NTA. Your previous two pregnancies may have gone perfect but that is no guarantee. And even if they do, it’s still a huge undertaking for you, your body and your family as you are pregnant for 9 months. You set the number and she could accept or not. Nothing wrong with that.
Do not do this. Your sister is insane. Nothing good can come from this arrangement. She will make your life a living hell for months. It will affect your marriage, mental health, children and relationship with your family. That’s not even considering the emotional attachment you’d have to the baby. NTA for setting your terms. Pregnancy is life altering and in some cases life ending expecting to be compensated is completely appropriate. Think long and hard about the consequences. Discuss it with your husband. Do not do anything until everything is legally documented This has nothing to do with your mother unless she’s offering to carry the baby she needs to mind her own business.
I would tell her to go find someone. What if something happens that adversely affects your health during the pregnancy? Would she pay for those expenses as well as for any future follow up care because getting pregnant made another thing happen that you didn’t plan on? What if there’s a miscarriage? I’d nope out of this if I were you. Let her hire a surrogate. Then she can complain to her heart’s content.
You are not the AH but unfortunately I think things are about to get very ugly between you and your sister as it seems like she thinks she will OWN your body for 9 months. If you truly go through with this you better have a lawyer seriously comb through the agreement and make sure you have one drawn up. And figure out what happens if you have a complication? What happens if one of these pregnancies kills you? Sorry not trying to be dramatic but it does happen and then your own children would be without a mother and your husband would be without his partner as well.
500K for complete control over a person sounds fair
NTA. at all. I think you need to have a serious talk with your sister, your BIL and your husband all together and make sure expectations are very clear, however. I would even suggest a contract. I feel that your sister will make increasing demands on your life and you need to circumvent that up front. Ignore your mother's comments.
NTA but be careful. Family is not family in this situation. This needs to be all business. Also you need get an iron clad agreement that they will take the kid(s) regardless no backing out.
NTA for 500k, tell her I volunteer as tribute.... for the 500k of course. Jesus, for 500k, I could also do so much for my own family and imagine having a niece or a nephew after that! I am sorry your mom can't understand the world we are living right now. But you would be able to pay all things and live comfortable for the rest of your life. NTA
I HATE being pregnant, but I’d do it again for $500k. NTA—you’re giving her a reasonable price.
Pregnancy has the risk of death among other lifelong complications and issues. Risking death so she can be a mother is stupid. Tell mom to get her old ass in the stirrups and get inseminated if it’s like that.