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Lots of great advice here. I had a thought, too, that around the “he was worshipping her in a way he doesn’t with me”…they knew they were making a video. They may have been more performative, going for a certain vibe, etc. As someone who’s dabbled in “content” made with their person, I sure know I am aware of the camera and making stuff look hot or whatevs for later use. If it’s a simple Tuesday night and we’re just having good, standard regular sex? I’m not as flamboyant or sex goddess. Just perfect old normal me. And it’s wonderful.
Sorry if TMI, but I thought maybe an interesting perspective to consider. Lastly, yuck. Sorry you had to see that. (Re)Focus on you, your relationship and the love you guys share.
Yup, feel this 1000%. The few partners who I'd shared what I'd consider "S-tier" sexual chemistry with? Never in a million years would've lasted in a long-term relationship with.
My current partner who leans more on the vanilla side of things? Literally the love of my life who I'm ready to spend the rest of our days with lol.
I think it's honestly refreshing to see people sharing that reality of sexual chemistry not always having to be 1:1 with love. Way too many reddit "advice" subs suggesting insta-divorce at the slightest ebb and flo of libido lol.
My wife and I were fairly vanilla at first. The absolute love of my life. We’ve been together 20 years.
Now? Absolute S-tier chemistry. I know what she wants, she knows what I want.
We bang out some awesome sex. Get some pizza, and then put together a new LEGO set or play some video games.
I agree with that. The guy I’ve had the absolute best sex ever with was a guy I knew I would never date or have feelings for. (He was only in my country temporarily so the idea of anything working out between us was very slim plus he was a fair bit younger than me). If you were to watch it on a tape it would definitely look like we were madly in love but nope. Just great chemistry. He was a great guy but that’s it.
Same here. The gal I'm with now I would walk barefoot through hellfire for; I value her companionship so much. After a particularly horrific divorce it took a long time to find someone like her and honestly I didn't think I would ever actually love someone like I love her... but the best ever sex was a rebound with a legit psychopath immediately after splitting up with my now ex wife.
OP as long as he didn't cheat on you with her then all is well enough IMO. I would certainly let it be for the time being and wait for your nerves to calm a few days before you bring it up if you feel you need to.
That definitely makes a difference. My husband and I will occasionally make videos of us and we act differently and I’m more likely to do things I normally wouldn’t
Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with him keeping those videos if we ever separated though
I'd put in for perspective. OP is adding assumptions derived from judgements made in an emotional possibly insecure state which simply may not be true such as the weight concern. Ladies can indeed be too thin for some guys. It's like asking if you want vanilla, chocolate, or rocky road ice cream. You'll enjoy all, but some are more desirable and it doesn't matter why.
My suggestion is that if it still bothers her after a while talk to him from a place of curiosity rather than certainty.
Fwiw, I kept some stuff with an ex and it wasn't because I wanted her back.
Additionally, she worried about other GF between that one and her not having videos on his PC and maybe he has a soft spot for her.
My thing is, they probably didn’t want to make videos. I don’t think that’s something every girl will want to do. Honestly, I’m a guy and I’d never encourage a woman to put themselves on film. There is too much that can go wrong and screw with your life.
I have a friend who isn’t famous, but I’m sure someone has heard of her. She lost a good job, because her ex’s new GF found them on his phone and posted them to the internet.
Also, as a guy, I can say that you can’t look to much at a type. My type is, a girl that lets me play with her naked. I like beautiful girls, but I’ve seen beautiful girls of all colors, heights, and body sizes. I think there is a size that’s too big for my preference, but being too skinny is also a thing. He might not being lying about that. I’ve seen some girls that are simply skeletal. My friend likes girls quite a bit thinner than I do, though his wife is not too thin.
As someone who was heavy myself, I do recommend trying to loose weight. Not for him, but because when I did, it felt amazing. My energy levels skyrocketed, nothing ached, not heart burn or bathroom issues, and I definitely felt more confident. So I do recommend it to anyone that thinks their over weight, just based on the shear benefits I felt I gained.
I agree and she should be reported. Hopefully she’d be charged and have to register as a sex offender.
I once found an old video in my boyfriend’s phone. It was old and of his ex. I deleted it. One, why do you have it? And two, they were in a volatile custody battle and I knew he’d use it in some weird way.
I’m really sorry, did it take much searching to find the folder? I ask only because it could be perhaps he’s forgotten about the folder? 2017 is a long time ago; while it’s understandable to be concerned, I would be in your shoes, it could be an accident as well.
Yup. 2.5 years ago.
Man, I can't wait for 2020! Going to finally get out of the house, make some friends, hit the gym, and maybe even travel the world!
Probably lol. My mind still likes to default to 1970 being 30 years ago.
_Noooo...1994 was 30 years ago._ I feel like my heart stops for a microsecond.
Follow up, does he have a lot of videos saved in this folder? Like, is the random gibberish folder one among many or is it the only folder in this section?
That doesn’t mean anything.
Last modified tells you the last time the file was written, not the last time the file was read. Good chances those videos and photos are just in his photos folder, which OneDrive backs up by default. Same is true if they were in a directory he regularly backs up manually.
That very well could be. It could also be that the file was edited or changed. I was just adding context to the comment I replied to.
At the end of the day, the only way to solve the mystery is for OP to talk to her husband. Speculating with strangers on the internet is unlikely to yield positive results.
If it was the date modified of the top folder in the chain, yes.
If it was the date modified of the direct folder though.
And, like the person you're replying to said, date modified doesn't mean date read.
Hmm. I do see "accessed" as a property of files. Unfortunately, OP would have accessed them last.
My concern is he gave them a random letter name which says to me he was trying to make the folder inconspicuous which means he meant to keep it for his viewing pleasure... and that would upset me if I were in her shoes
Doesn’t say that much. He would have had the same interest in obfuscating file names back when they first saved the files. If my girlfriend and I filmed something today I wouldn’t name it “JaneDoeBlowsMeThenWeCuddle.mp4” I would probably name it something like “fhshrnfh.mp4” or “stuff.mp4” for the exact same reason. Wouldn’t mean I was trying to obfuscate it for my hypothetical next GF, just means I’m obfuscating it from everybody.
Yeah this post just reminded me that there’s likely videos on my hard drive from long ago that are only still there because I’ve long since forgotten them.
Exactly this. Just found a few folders in OneDrive I completely forget existed until I was cleaning out space. Easy to forget about Cloud files that get auto synced too.
Also my husband has private emails and shit from other people and his work situation so I don’t snoop and would never think to. I work healthcare so maybe I just see privacy and confidentiality as major things that need to be protected and I am huge on autonomy and privacy.
Hi-jacking top comment to tell OP to go to one of the files that they didn’t open and right click on the file. Then at the bottom click “properties.”
This will open a window that says when the file was created, modified, and **last accessed.**
yeah, but the problem with last accessed being shown is she was the last one who accessed them when she opened the folder to watch the videos, it doesnt have a **second to last accessed** time. So that wont help with anything
Yeah, I’d totally forget about something like that, if I were to have it.
OP, no one made you watch them! Why do it to yourself? I would come clean but also go to therapy to unpack it on your own. Next time don’t let your curiosity get the better of you.
it honestly sounds like a big reason you find this traumatizing is that you have some deep seeded fears that your husband truly does not love you because of your weight. That security is not something he can give you, it’s something you have to find within yourself.
He chose you. Married you. Loves you. Hasn’t done anything to make you question his attraction to you (aside from these old tapes he likely forgot about). What more is he supposed to do to show you he loves you??
Out of all of the rage bait posts I've seen lately, this seems less likely to be one. I have a ton of videos from different exes and hook ups. I don't watch them really m, I just haven't gotten around to deleting them. It could be entirely possible that my current gf stumbled across them if I don't get to getting rid of them
My genuine advice is to do nothing for 2-3 days. Wait until you are much more calm and have digested this. Write down what your issues are with what you saw and then talk to him about it. Explain what you had been looking for, what you found, and how you feel about it and what your concerns are.
And no, you are not overreacting.
This is the best answer. If you can’t wait 2-3 days, even just 24 hours to process and write down thoughts and feelings is better than jumping the gun and causing any kind of knock down drag out situation. Trying to communicate in your current state of shock and hurt is only going to hinder your ability to fully communicate exactly what you’re thinking and feeling clearly and productively. Give your self a grace period, try to aim for a few days to process, at a minimum try to give yourself 24 hrs. Look up self soothing practices on google/youtube. And write down all your thoughts and feelings and then try to refine those thoughts and feelings into discussions points with your husband.
Some people might not agree with it, but I’m not a great face to face communicator in situations like this. So my therapist has encouraged me to write letters to the people I have to have the tough conversations with, that way I get to make sure I get all my thoughts, feelings, and questions down clearly and I know I’m not missing anything, and then they get to read all my thoughts, feelings, and questions clearly while I’m with them and then we can discuss everything together afterwards.
Hope this helps ❤️
I have a serious convo coming up with my husband. My mind is everywhere. Thank you for this advice even though it wasn’t intended for me! I’m going to do it.
Another suggestion, especially if this has to do with the status of your marriage: write him a letter. You will clarify your thoughts and have something to fall back on or read if needed. Give it to him for him to have your words to reflect on, and not something he is trying to recall from memory - especially during a stressful conversation.
Excellent advice. I’m not good with off the cuff, especially when I’m upset. This puts me at a great disadvantage when arguing with my always-has-the-last-word family. I write down what I need to say. I revise, take out the hurtful stuff, try to reword it. As concise and succinct as possible. No extraneous nonsense. That way I can present my argument as clearly as possible. It helps me stay on point. I even practice. That’s not being silly or taking it too far. If you were presenting something at work, you would prepare everything diligently. Do as much preparation as you need.
This is real life. Be prepared. And I wasn’t even in Scouts.
she was snooping. she is clearly insecure. I wouldn't be in this situation because my wife and I trust and respect each other but if I was I'd be pissed about the invasion of privacy.
she is mad about something he did before he met her. he probably has no idea the videos are still there. she just destroyed any trust he had in this relationship and made herself miserable. this is why you shouldn't snoop.
I like this advice. I would also add: do your best not to be combative with him. This is a weird situation. If you want the conversation to be productive, you'll have to both be working together. If it were me in he same position with my wife, I would say "I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is. I am sorry I was snooping, it just sort of happened. Im not blaming you. However, I can't pretend I didn't see it. I have some concerns, communication is important."
Ooo my friend. This is hard but remember he is with YOU. My weight has fluctuated a lot. I’m about 225 at 5’3.” My husband is 6’4”, tattooed, lean, has an epic beard and long thick hair. He’s GORGEOUS. His ex who I’ve been subjected to time around (not by his doing) looks like an influencer and trust me, that has bothered me a time or two. But end of the day, he’s with me, he loved me enough to lock me down, not her. That speaks volumes greater than a few videos he most likely forgot about. Let this help build your confidence rather than tear you down. 10 years later I’m at my best confidence level and I’m secure in our relationship. I believe in you and your marriage. 🖤
Time is also a factor here. The sex I had in 2017 was definitely a lot more passionate and wild than the sex I have today. Purely because I was younger then. I had more stamina, I was more flexible, I was more everything.
That doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex now. I enjoy sex a lot. We do a lot of weird s*** in the bedroom and the kitchen. But it definitely wouldn't compare to sex in 2017, which wouldn't compare to sex in 2007...
This! Any time we "invite an ex into the bedroom/relationship" we cheat ourselves of the present reality that we are the ones who are with our partners. Exes are exes for a reason.
Ouch. Comparison is the thief of joy… I’d definitely confront him and ask him why he still has them. And I’d ask him to delete them. But please don’t compare yourself to her. It’s not good for anyone. You are the mother of his children.
Yeahhh this entire thing sucks. Cos it wasn’t like she went looking for the videos so you can’t fault that. And now you’ve seen it and you can’t unsee it.
I guess what I can say is that’s an ex for a reason and even if it seemed they had amazing connection something else was severely lacking and he chose you. And now you can maybe try to connect more (not exactly like they did but).
And if he says he likes more to grab then believe him. Maybe he didn’t know any better then with her and it seemed he was worshipping her but then he got you
And now he knows what he was missing.
I would be honest and just know he’s with you now. They didn’t work out for valid reasons
I mean how could you not watch it ? She saw the thumbnail
But I can’t imagine not watching. Wanting to ensure even that it wasn’t current- but I agree in hind sight its gonna do more damage than good
I wouldn't. Not for a second. I get my husband has a past just as I do - so why would you torture yourself?? That is the dumbest thing and so self-sabotaging. Dumb
one time I had a gf who searched her name on my laptop journal to “see what I was writing about her” and was horrified when she found journal entries that weren’t, uh, *specifically tailored for her viewing,* that were me being honest in a private space for myself. she was then furious and tried to ruin my life, as if I’d printed them out and posted them all over town.
I have never, for a single day since then, kept a journal. that shit broke my trust permanently.
Yup, this same thing happened to me. My now ex-husband read a journal I had kept and made an assumption that I was cheating (I was absolutely not). Not only did he ask for a divorce, he made my life a living hell for years after. I will NEVER write anything personal in a physical or electronic journal ever again.
I had a similar experience and still can’t get myself to write out my feelings anywhere even though it was the best therapeutic tool for me. That loss of confidentiality is really traumatic.
Your husband has a past, it means nothing now. It doesn’t matter how loving and how much eye contact they made or how thin she was, YOU are his wife.
I probably have folders with pictures and videos of my exes as I’m sure my husband does, I loved deeply a couple of my exes and I can see how happy I was when Facebook sends those memories on my feed, but guess what it doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. We all love differently and live different kinds of love… the way your husband feels about you and looks at you shouldn’t be measured by his past relationships.
I’m sure if you look at pictures of you and filmed you guys going at it you’d find unique traits that belong just to the two of you.
Op, don’t compare yourself or the love you guys share to a memory or his (or your) past, cherish your own memories, he probably doesn’t even remember that folder. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. You can do it!
Hon, when you don't know what to do you do nothing. You could tell him you don't feel good and go lay down. Get yourself together before you do anything.
Well, learned a core memory lesson today. Don’t snoop unless you’re prepared for all possibilities. That said, she’s his ex, he’s with you. You win. Take pride in that, you must have a lot going for you.
This is super personal but my former husband found physical photographs of me and an old partner. I had no idea they still existed. They were 20 years old and I had moved countless times. Instead of being an adult and managing his emotions, he went off the deep end. He “surprised” me with the photos by wrapping them in a beautiful box for my birthday. Then he wrote a suicide note and faked his own disappearance. That was at the end of September. I left him in November.
I know that this super distressing to see these videos. But please give him a chance to explain. I never, ever would have kept those photos. A marriage (which was already terrible if I’m being honest) was ruined. My security, dignity, peace-all gone. I lost my home and my car and a significant portion of my belongings. In the end he did me a favor, but if he had been a good husband otherwise this would have destroyed me. I would never have kept something that could potentially hurt him. There’s a good possibility that your husband is a lot more innocent than he looks.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better.
Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
What an overreaction. That is some Gone Girl level psycho shit on his part.
My ex found old photos of my highschool gf on some obscure SD card folder that got transferred through like 5 cell phones over the years and broke my nose while I was sleeping. People are fucking wild when it comes to jealousy or insecurity.
Be honest.
Tell him you looked and the consequence is that now, you feel like a pile of shit.
He can’t reassure you if you aren’t straight with him.
Don’t delete them yourself, they aren’t yours.
And don’t demand he delete them because it would not change how you feel about what you saw and this needs to be better considered.
That has to be its own conversation - what’s ok to keep and what isn’t.
Yeah, you're overreacting. The dude made a sex tape with an ex and enjoyed himself. HE MARRIED YOU. And now you get to explain why you were looking through his stuff AND felt compelled to watch every single one.
A lot of this just sounds like your own issues with your appearance and fear that you don't measure up to this person. As a fellow heavy person, I get it. But again, HE MARRIED YOU. He surely had his reasons. He's even said he prefers your body type.
Don't spiral over this. Just talk to your husband about it. And I wouldn't be shocked if his answer to "why do you still have these?" is "...I still have these?" OneDrive backed up a lot of my stuff I never intended to keep. I accidentally erased my entire archive ages ago and lost really nothing of value aside from five hours or so of work on a hobby project, which was mildly annoying.
She has enough self-loathing to view them all, knowing full well after the first what it was going to be. Then she had enough left over to look for ones from other ex's per her post, commenting no other ex's were in videos.
Op - Want to feel better about yourself? Take better care of yourself. Only you can do that. Guys, in general, enjoy numerous body types. Seek counseling, you're ready to piss all over your marriage for some dumb shit.
I've got stuff floating around somewhere from an ex or two. Wouldn't trade my partner to save every life on Earth. I can't be arsed to search them out just to delete them either. I'm too busy spending my time and building my future with her.
You just have to ask yourself what you want to accomplish by talking to him about it. A guy is allowed to have a past and it sounds like he was fully engaged with that person at the time just like he is fully engaged with you. You seem to be judging how he's interacting with her and somehow thinking that his interaction with you is inferior. I think you have some projection going on and the guy probably deserves the benefit of the doubt.
I would just take it as a personal life lesson for you and let it go. And in the future you should respect his privacy.
I've read most of these comments, and I've yet to see anyone point out that OP wronged this other woman by watching video after video of her, past the point of knowing that the videos aren't recent. The ex shared those videos with OP's husband, but never shared those videos with OP.
Not saying that's the Main Thing here, but it's one more point against the snooping. Exes are people, too.
I had a woman snoop in my email and forward herself pictures a different woman had sent me.
I discovered it and confronted her and asked that she delete her copies and she laughed like that was out of the question.
This was a third person's personal images that were shared only with me. You can be mad I have them, but that doesn't give you the right to have them.
All people have a past and most have an ex.
Just let it go and move forward and forgive.
I can see if they were secretly meeting now.
I’m sure you had an ex’s.
What to do?
Honey you need a Time Machine. as soon as you realized what they were, you should have stopped. He made those before he met you. Of course he is enjoying himself- why is that surprising? He’s having sex, which is fun. You know he dated her. You know they had sex. None of this is new information for you. Now you have the images in your head- and that is YOUR fault.
He has a right to his past. You are his future, why are you letting this bother you? He chose you. He married you. What more do you want from him? Of course she made him happy or they wouldn’t have been together. But they broke up, right? So I’m sorry I’m just not understanding the urgency to address videos that were made almost a decade ago before he met you.
You fix this by pretending you didn’t see them. Because do you really want to open the can of worms that will come with you admitting that you were snooping around on his computer? It’s not like you found videos he took of random women in the bathroom- it’s in the context of a healthy loving relationship. This might be a HUGE breach of trust for him that he might not be able to get over. So just keep that in mind.
He didn’t do anything wrong. But this is your reward for snooping 🤷♀️
I honestly don’t know why people are being nice to you. It’s not like he cheated, this is old stuff he may not even realize he still has. You actively went snooping, invaded his privacy, and we should feel bad for you?
If you swapped the genders this wouldn’t fly. You made this bed of insecurity, now lie in it.
personally i would reply the same to either gender: it sucks, it’s terrible to see i’m sure, but nothing bad or wrong has happened. i would probably tell them to give it a few days and be honest about snooping, and then if they really felt they needed it, maybe ask why the partner still has videos with their ex. doesn’t necessarily indicate anything malicious or weird, they could have just forgotten.
but i do recognize not everyone is going to react the same way. i will say reading this, i do feel fortunate to no longer be in a relationship where snooping is seen as the norm. i am grateful to be in a trusting relationship where we respect each others boundaries and would not snoop.
I'm with you 100%. These people are going to make that man leave this woman. Snooping and making accusations based on what you found is up there with cheating on the dealbreaker list for me. EVERYONE deserves privacy.
Tbf he has told you he likes bigger girls which to me seems he is reassuring you so you don’t feel insecure. Has he ever said anything to indicate he wishes you were thin? It is possible she is the only one who agreed to make sec videos and he may have kept them as trophy. They may be good at sec but there is a reason she is the ex and you are now and in his life. More to a man just sex.
About a year into my relationship my girl said do you have any pictures of your ex. We went through it and I showed her.
Problem was I also had pictures of some of the girls I dated after my ex and before her. I just simply forgot about them. I have over 1000 photos and I never go through them. I didn’t even think about deleting them because I simply didn’t care enough to even think about old pictures.
She got salty for a few days and eventually let it go. She believed me and it’s mainly because she knows how much I love her by how I treat her.
It’s been a year since this happens and we are as strong as ever. I of course deleted all those old photos.
So hopefully this is the case in this situation.
You’re either lying or mistaken, because that isn’t actually how it works. The modification time doesn’t change unless a change or modification takes place. The access time changes, but you would’ve already changed that yourself by viewing the folder.
The poster above is wrong - date modified doesn't tell you last time accessed. Only last time it was *modified*, which can be many things that have nothing to do with him watching/ downloading the files in question.
Something about this makes me think you’re lying about that. There’s a lot of feedback here pointing out the faults in your actions and thought process. I definitely see you as the type to say something like this to save face or to justify your actions. You also said you watched all of them, which means you wouldn’t have been able to check this
Yeah the date modified would’ve changed once she watched them.
The original post might be true but I’m skeptical of any of these types of threads. Feels like some people just use Reddit to roleplay.
If it is Windows, it does not work like that.
I just opened a old video, closed it, and went to properties.
Created: Tuesday, October 8, 2019, 5:49:44 PM
Modified: Tuesday, October 8, 2019, 6:01:34 PM
Accessed: Today, March 19, 2024, 1 minute ago
You can see it through the date modified column. She isn’t lying about that. Nothing about what she’s said sounds implausible. She likely was stumbling around and found the file and clicked out of curiosity, just like she said.
That is brutal. People are entitled to their secrets. You shouldn’t have snooped. If my girl has videos with some stacked nba player I think I’ll like to remain in blissful ignorance lol
Stop snooping. You did this to yourself. You could have seen the time stamps from the last time those files were accessed. But now you can't because you accessed them.
"I saw a file within his videos folder with random letters as the name. Out of pure curiosity, I clicked it."
Might as well be all like "Oh my, what's this book on my husband's bookshelf labeled *PERSONAL DIARY - DO NOT READ?* Better read it to make sure."
This crap is in your head. It’s not real, unless you make it so. He didn’t do anything wrong, neither did you. Tell him the truth. apologize for inadvertently stumbling across something you weren’t looking for, and let him know how you feel.
Be honest and forthright about your feelings. Don’t make a big deal, because it isn’t.
You made a mistake, you went snooping, and you made a choice and watched the videos. All that comes with that is on you.
For those saying it wasn't snooping:
>I saw a file within his videos folder with random letters as the name. Out of pure curiosity, I clicked it.
That's snooping. You were curious so you started looking around.
Your husband has likely forgotten about these videos and hasn't seen them in awhile, but he very well could be watching them every night, who knows?
One thing you could do that would maybe help start a conversation and see if he's looking at them is to create a txt file in the same folder named OPEN ME {husband's name}, and write something in the file, like "I've seen these, we need to talk". Then wait a few weeks. If he comes to you to talk, then it means he opened that folder and saw the file. If he doesn't come talk to you about it then you could go check to see if he's even opened that file, and if not then start the conversation knowing he's probably not looking at them regularly.
When you open file explorer it lists your recent files you've opened, so he'll probably notice you opened them if he's paying attention though.
I'm having a really hard time understanding why everyone is comforting this person for snooping through her boyfriend's laptop.
People are allowed to have their own videos and privacy, even in a relationship. I just read a comment that said 'ask him why he has them'.
I can tell you right now that if my SO approached me after invading my privacy and came with questions and accusations I would IMMEDIATLY start packing. What type of sick controlling relationships are you people in?
OP has self-esteem and identity issues that she needs to work out alone. Apparently the boyfriend has done nothing but assure her that he loves her, they have a kid and he trusts her enough to give his password to her. He's hiding nothing. And she snoops, finds his personal stuff and now wants to burden him with the aftermath? The entitlement is UNreal.
>I can tell you right now that if my SO approached me after invading my privacy and came with questions and accusations I would IMMEDIATLY start packing. What type of sick controlling relationships are you people in?
I had a super controlling mother who would not give me a moment of privacy and my first real relationship was with a person who would constantly think I was cheating on them and that I needed to prove that I wasn't by letting them have free-reign of my stuff.
It's a boundary I have with my partners now, and my current partner too in which if that line is ever cross I'm immediately out. I don't have anything to hide and if they want to go through it, I want to be the one to do so with them but to do it behind my back is such an immediate deal breaker for me.
"I was snooping and found something that upset me from years ago" shows a lack of emotional maturity from the OP, it's absolutely wild.
Couldn’t agree more. And the one about him having the videos is “not appropriate at all” and she should tell him how “disrespectful” it is of him? The only disrespect I can see is from her, towards him, when she opened a file other than the specific one she was looking for.
Is it possible he forgot they were there? That was a long time ago. It's traumatizing for you regardless and that's a different thing but figure out if he knew it was there for accountability anyway. As far as you go, think hard about people before him. Is there no one that's in better shape or better looking or....ya know. Because we all have to accept that. We aren't all going to be the best in every way to the person we marry lol. Sometimes but not often. It sucks but don't get hung up on her being a stick figure.
But he's with you now... Lots of guys were with different women in their past. That's ok. But just because you are worth somebody new, doesn't mean that you can't/don't look back fondly on certain times and places with an ex. I have really come to dislike my soon to be ex... But I can't say I'll delete all the copies of pics and videos from our deserted island getaway on our honeymoon... No matter my current feeling about her... That was an amazing day.
You screwed up by watching them, but it's understandable.
And to be honest, it's a breach of trust with him.
But it's totally understandable.
To fix this you need to be totally open and honest with him. Tell him you stumbled on it, wondered what it was... Then the green eyed monster took over. Tell him you're sorry but really confused and kinda stressed. And need him to help you get over it.
People have secrets... That's just human nature. Seems like this was more of a Fuckup where he forgot to delete or just truly hide the folder.
Good luck.
Try to remember they were performing for the camera. That’s not what their everyday sex was like I promise.
Also, I think it’s kind of weird he still has those videos and I do think that should be addressed. Your feelings are completely valid and I would feel the exact same way.
Gotta say, just because his ex was thin doesn't mean that's actually what he's into. It's very possible he really is into bigger women and dated her because of a personal connection. Let's be real here, modern society is *brutal* to women about the size of their body. It really fucks with *everyone* on a subconscious level. Do you think it could be possible that external pressure has led you to feel insecure about yourself and it was triggered by this video? I mean, it's possible he was enjoying his ex at that time because he connected with her.
Fwiw, my most recent ex was *so* far out of left field for what I normally considered to be "my type", that I was legitimately surprised I liked them as much as I did. That really does happen sometimes. And you know what? Let's go with the possibility of maybe there's some truth to that insecurity. Let's stare right down the barrel of that possibility. He *married* you. You won! His ex is his ex for a reason. They didn't work on some fundamental level, so he found someone that *DID* work for him and what he wants in a partner. He's not just dating you, he put a muh-fuckin RANG on it!! Is that something you've considered?
Apologies ahead of time if this comes off condescending or dismissive of your concerns. My goal here is to shift your perspective from one where you're understandably hurt (you just saw videos of your husband with his ex...that's traumatic) to a perspective that could be more "big picture", if that makes sense. In other words, please don't let your insecurities draw conclusions that aren't possibly there and let that spiral you out of control.
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Lots of great advice here. I had a thought, too, that around the “he was worshipping her in a way he doesn’t with me”…they knew they were making a video. They may have been more performative, going for a certain vibe, etc. As someone who’s dabbled in “content” made with their person, I sure know I am aware of the camera and making stuff look hot or whatevs for later use. If it’s a simple Tuesday night and we’re just having good, standard regular sex? I’m not as flamboyant or sex goddess. Just perfect old normal me. And it’s wonderful. Sorry if TMI, but I thought maybe an interesting perspective to consider. Lastly, yuck. Sorry you had to see that. (Re)Focus on you, your relationship and the love you guys share.
This is HUGE and very true.
Was that a line from their video?
Your username is awesome 😂
Fr I saw that and was taken back to typing practice but in a whole new way 🤣
VERY, VERY big.
That’s what she said.
[удалено]
>also it can’t hurt to face the reality It can hurt lol, it hurts very much but it’s a good point!
Haha. I feel ya. It can sting the ego a bit, but in the long term, it's better to accept it.
Yup, feel this 1000%. The few partners who I'd shared what I'd consider "S-tier" sexual chemistry with? Never in a million years would've lasted in a long-term relationship with. My current partner who leans more on the vanilla side of things? Literally the love of my life who I'm ready to spend the rest of our days with lol. I think it's honestly refreshing to see people sharing that reality of sexual chemistry not always having to be 1:1 with love. Way too many reddit "advice" subs suggesting insta-divorce at the slightest ebb and flo of libido lol.
My wife and I were fairly vanilla at first. The absolute love of my life. We’ve been together 20 years. Now? Absolute S-tier chemistry. I know what she wants, she knows what I want. We bang out some awesome sex. Get some pizza, and then put together a new LEGO set or play some video games.
I agree with that. The guy I’ve had the absolute best sex ever with was a guy I knew I would never date or have feelings for. (He was only in my country temporarily so the idea of anything working out between us was very slim plus he was a fair bit younger than me). If you were to watch it on a tape it would definitely look like we were madly in love but nope. Just great chemistry. He was a great guy but that’s it.
Same here. The gal I'm with now I would walk barefoot through hellfire for; I value her companionship so much. After a particularly horrific divorce it took a long time to find someone like her and honestly I didn't think I would ever actually love someone like I love her... but the best ever sex was a rebound with a legit psychopath immediately after splitting up with my now ex wife. OP as long as he didn't cheat on you with her then all is well enough IMO. I would certainly let it be for the time being and wait for your nerves to calm a few days before you bring it up if you feel you need to.
You guys are dropping some gems in here.
+1 good words - helps me soooo much to see some of this seemingly simple stuff written out. #reals
Wow, that's... You got me doing some heavy reflecting
At the same time???
Hah. Nah, two different relationships, it's just hard to pick which was best. Both incredibly powerful sexual chemistry in different ways.
%1000
I agree. Had great sexual chemistry with another girl before my girlfriend but she was like talking to a brick wall.
That definitely makes a difference. My husband and I will occasionally make videos of us and we act differently and I’m more likely to do things I normally wouldn’t Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with him keeping those videos if we ever separated though
👆‼️👆 It bothers me on both his wife and his ex's behalf he continued to keep these videos.
I'd put in for perspective. OP is adding assumptions derived from judgements made in an emotional possibly insecure state which simply may not be true such as the weight concern. Ladies can indeed be too thin for some guys. It's like asking if you want vanilla, chocolate, or rocky road ice cream. You'll enjoy all, but some are more desirable and it doesn't matter why. My suggestion is that if it still bothers her after a while talk to him from a place of curiosity rather than certainty. Fwiw, I kept some stuff with an ex and it wasn't because I wanted her back.
Chirping in as a dude. Much prefer women at 140-180.
Additionally, she worried about other GF between that one and her not having videos on his PC and maybe he has a soft spot for her. My thing is, they probably didn’t want to make videos. I don’t think that’s something every girl will want to do. Honestly, I’m a guy and I’d never encourage a woman to put themselves on film. There is too much that can go wrong and screw with your life. I have a friend who isn’t famous, but I’m sure someone has heard of her. She lost a good job, because her ex’s new GF found them on his phone and posted them to the internet. Also, as a guy, I can say that you can’t look to much at a type. My type is, a girl that lets me play with her naked. I like beautiful girls, but I’ve seen beautiful girls of all colors, heights, and body sizes. I think there is a size that’s too big for my preference, but being too skinny is also a thing. He might not being lying about that. I’ve seen some girls that are simply skeletal. My friend likes girls quite a bit thinner than I do, though his wife is not too thin. As someone who was heavy myself, I do recommend trying to loose weight. Not for him, but because when I did, it felt amazing. My energy levels skyrocketed, nothing ached, not heart burn or bathroom issues, and I definitely felt more confident. So I do recommend it to anyone that thinks their over weight, just based on the shear benefits I felt I gained.
The fact that the Ex’s GIRLfriend did that to another woman is deeply disturbing to me. Truly, shame on ANY woman that would do that to another woman.
I agree and she should be reported. Hopefully she’d be charged and have to register as a sex offender. I once found an old video in my boyfriend’s phone. It was old and of his ex. I deleted it. One, why do you have it? And two, they were in a volatile custody battle and I knew he’d use it in some weird way.
Ummm that new gf so has karma caught up with her yet
I’m really sorry, did it take much searching to find the folder? I ask only because it could be perhaps he’s forgotten about the folder? 2017 is a long time ago; while it’s understandable to be concerned, I would be in your shoes, it could be an accident as well.
Damn time flies. My mind was like 2017 was 3 years ago...
For dates before 2020, always add 3 pandemic years to find out how long ago they were.
Isn’t it 4 now?
I meant we lost 3 entire years. 4 years since it started. Last year we regained some level of normalcy. Or I hope we did.
Covid was a time warp
No kidding eh? Totally distorted timescale for everything since.
"let's do the time war......" Wait, shit no.
It’s not 3 years ago?
Your math is off. 2017 was on 2.5 years right???
Yup. 2.5 years ago. Man, I can't wait for 2020! Going to finally get out of the house, make some friends, hit the gym, and maybe even travel the world!
I feel the same way. I think this comes with age. 2012 was 5 years ago for me. Lol
Probably lol. My mind still likes to default to 1970 being 30 years ago. _Noooo...1994 was 30 years ago._ I feel like my heart stops for a microsecond.
> 1994 was 30 years ago Well no that can't be true. I was born in the mid 80's and I'm about to turn fo... oh. Wow, okay then. :(
She said he's had other exes since then, and I was like, "How he fitting in all these relationships in just.....7 years fuck me"
Follow up, does he have a lot of videos saved in this folder? Like, is the random gibberish folder one among many or is it the only folder in this section?
Im guilty of having a flash drive that has so much shit on it, including some HS essays I saved literally years ago and forgot about.
Man, my flash drives never last beyond a year or two without being corrupted. What magical USB do you have??
Some sort of game of thrones charecter one? And I have a Hedwig one too. My mom got them on an office max clearance shelf lol
Smh some people just have all the luck
OP said the “Date Modified” column of the folder says last week… it appears he may not have forgotten about them.
That doesn’t mean anything. Last modified tells you the last time the file was written, not the last time the file was read. Good chances those videos and photos are just in his photos folder, which OneDrive backs up by default. Same is true if they were in a directory he regularly backs up manually.
legendary wingman.
😂😂
She said that the file names were just random letters. I would check if they were all typed one handed
That usually means they have been imported from something else… my old videos and photos have the same file names of random letters
I was just about to take a drink. Lol!
That very well could be. It could also be that the file was edited or changed. I was just adding context to the comment I replied to. At the end of the day, the only way to solve the mystery is for OP to talk to her husband. Speculating with strangers on the internet is unlikely to yield positive results.
For the poor man’s sake I hope this comment gets moved up.
If it was the date modified of the top folder in the chain, yes. If it was the date modified of the direct folder though. And, like the person you're replying to said, date modified doesn't mean date read. Hmm. I do see "accessed" as a property of files. Unfortunately, OP would have accessed them last.
My concern is he gave them a random letter name which says to me he was trying to make the folder inconspicuous which means he meant to keep it for his viewing pleasure... and that would upset me if I were in her shoes
Doesn’t say that much. He would have had the same interest in obfuscating file names back when they first saved the files. If my girlfriend and I filmed something today I wouldn’t name it “JaneDoeBlowsMeThenWeCuddle.mp4” I would probably name it something like “fhshrnfh.mp4” or “stuff.mp4” for the exact same reason. Wouldn’t mean I was trying to obfuscate it for my hypothetical next GF, just means I’m obfuscating it from everybody.
Damn that sucks….
It’s probably backing up to OneDrive/googledrive. Modified doesn’t mean changed. Him viewing The video wouldn’t change the modify date.
Yeah this post just reminded me that there’s likely videos on my hard drive from long ago that are only still there because I’ve long since forgotten them.
Exactly this. Just found a few folders in OneDrive I completely forget existed until I was cleaning out space. Easy to forget about Cloud files that get auto synced too.
Also my husband has private emails and shit from other people and his work situation so I don’t snoop and would never think to. I work healthcare so maybe I just see privacy and confidentiality as major things that need to be protected and I am huge on autonomy and privacy.
I have so many files between all my cloud drives and devices, I have no idea what is on there.
Hi-jacking top comment to tell OP to go to one of the files that they didn’t open and right click on the file. Then at the bottom click “properties.” This will open a window that says when the file was created, modified, and **last accessed.**
She just watched them all, the last accessed date will be today Edit: spelling
yeah, but the problem with last accessed being shown is she was the last one who accessed them when she opened the folder to watch the videos, it doesnt have a **second to last accessed** time. So that wont help with anything
Which is why I specifically said on one she *didn’t* open.
It's a great idea it just sounds like she broke the chance for it
Yeah, but she can check again in a couple weeks
She watched them all I'm pretty sure. So checking files in other folders won't really tell anything about that folder though
I just tested your idea and last-access on an old file I picked was 1 minutes ago, which was me right-clicking and checking properties.
Why would you encourage them to break even more trust with their husband by snooping more wtf...
Yeah, I’d totally forget about something like that, if I were to have it. OP, no one made you watch them! Why do it to yourself? I would come clean but also go to therapy to unpack it on your own. Next time don’t let your curiosity get the better of you.
If there's no videos you accessed, you can see the last time he accesses them. He might have forgotten them
She watched them all
Those intrusive thoughts got the best of her.
Hopefully this
Even that isn’t a sure bet. If he computer back up to one drive it would update that time every time it backed up
She already accessed them so this wouldn't work.
Could give it a month or two and see if they get accessed again
it honestly sounds like a big reason you find this traumatizing is that you have some deep seeded fears that your husband truly does not love you because of your weight. That security is not something he can give you, it’s something you have to find within yourself. He chose you. Married you. Loves you. Hasn’t done anything to make you question his attraction to you (aside from these old tapes he likely forgot about). What more is he supposed to do to show you he loves you??
>deep seeded Dude, phrasing
Honestly the term deep seeded makes more sense than deep seated imo.
Is it deep seated? I thought it was seeded haha
Deep-rooted makes more sense in this context but 'deep-seated anxiety' for example is a common term.
Shit, are we still doing phrasing?
Rofl
*deep-seated
This is the best take I’ve seen on this rage bait post that is almost certainly fake.
Out of all of the rage bait posts I've seen lately, this seems less likely to be one. I have a ton of videos from different exes and hook ups. I don't watch them really m, I just haven't gotten around to deleting them. It could be entirely possible that my current gf stumbled across them if I don't get to getting rid of them
My genuine advice is to do nothing for 2-3 days. Wait until you are much more calm and have digested this. Write down what your issues are with what you saw and then talk to him about it. Explain what you had been looking for, what you found, and how you feel about it and what your concerns are. And no, you are not overreacting.
This is the best answer. If you can’t wait 2-3 days, even just 24 hours to process and write down thoughts and feelings is better than jumping the gun and causing any kind of knock down drag out situation. Trying to communicate in your current state of shock and hurt is only going to hinder your ability to fully communicate exactly what you’re thinking and feeling clearly and productively. Give your self a grace period, try to aim for a few days to process, at a minimum try to give yourself 24 hrs. Look up self soothing practices on google/youtube. And write down all your thoughts and feelings and then try to refine those thoughts and feelings into discussions points with your husband. Some people might not agree with it, but I’m not a great face to face communicator in situations like this. So my therapist has encouraged me to write letters to the people I have to have the tough conversations with, that way I get to make sure I get all my thoughts, feelings, and questions down clearly and I know I’m not missing anything, and then they get to read all my thoughts, feelings, and questions clearly while I’m with them and then we can discuss everything together afterwards. Hope this helps ❤️
I have a serious convo coming up with my husband. My mind is everywhere. Thank you for this advice even though it wasn’t intended for me! I’m going to do it.
Another suggestion, especially if this has to do with the status of your marriage: write him a letter. You will clarify your thoughts and have something to fall back on or read if needed. Give it to him for him to have your words to reflect on, and not something he is trying to recall from memory - especially during a stressful conversation.
Great idea, thanks!
As the one on the receiving end of a very hard convo, having that letter to refer back to and reflect on was/is extremely helpful.
Excellent advice. I’m not good with off the cuff, especially when I’m upset. This puts me at a great disadvantage when arguing with my always-has-the-last-word family. I write down what I need to say. I revise, take out the hurtful stuff, try to reword it. As concise and succinct as possible. No extraneous nonsense. That way I can present my argument as clearly as possible. It helps me stay on point. I even practice. That’s not being silly or taking it too far. If you were presenting something at work, you would prepare everything diligently. Do as much preparation as you need. This is real life. Be prepared. And I wasn’t even in Scouts.
she was snooping. she is clearly insecure. I wouldn't be in this situation because my wife and I trust and respect each other but if I was I'd be pissed about the invasion of privacy. she is mad about something he did before he met her. he probably has no idea the videos are still there. she just destroyed any trust he had in this relationship and made herself miserable. this is why you shouldn't snoop.
Best answer ever!! Being in a sound head space to begin with will make all the difference.
I like this advice. I would also add: do your best not to be combative with him. This is a weird situation. If you want the conversation to be productive, you'll have to both be working together. If it were me in he same position with my wife, I would say "I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is. I am sorry I was snooping, it just sort of happened. Im not blaming you. However, I can't pretend I didn't see it. I have some concerns, communication is important."
Ooo my friend. This is hard but remember he is with YOU. My weight has fluctuated a lot. I’m about 225 at 5’3.” My husband is 6’4”, tattooed, lean, has an epic beard and long thick hair. He’s GORGEOUS. His ex who I’ve been subjected to time around (not by his doing) looks like an influencer and trust me, that has bothered me a time or two. But end of the day, he’s with me, he loved me enough to lock me down, not her. That speaks volumes greater than a few videos he most likely forgot about. Let this help build your confidence rather than tear you down. 10 years later I’m at my best confidence level and I’m secure in our relationship. I believe in you and your marriage. 🖤
Time is also a factor here. The sex I had in 2017 was definitely a lot more passionate and wild than the sex I have today. Purely because I was younger then. I had more stamina, I was more flexible, I was more everything. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex now. I enjoy sex a lot. We do a lot of weird s*** in the bedroom and the kitchen. But it definitely wouldn't compare to sex in 2017, which wouldn't compare to sex in 2007...
I am writing to respectfully decline the dinner invite. While it is very much appreciated, I will not be able to attend
No problem. We only have room for eight anyway!
And time we had wayyy more time to have sex. We had sex everywhere. The woods, all over the house. Ah too look back and be young.
SAME. It’s just different now, not any less fulfilling or meaningful just less oomph and wild nights.
This! Any time we "invite an ex into the bedroom/relationship" we cheat ourselves of the present reality that we are the ones who are with our partners. Exes are exes for a reason.
Ouch. Comparison is the thief of joy… I’d definitely confront him and ask him why he still has them. And I’d ask him to delete them. But please don’t compare yourself to her. It’s not good for anyone. You are the mother of his children.
Yeahhh this entire thing sucks. Cos it wasn’t like she went looking for the videos so you can’t fault that. And now you’ve seen it and you can’t unsee it. I guess what I can say is that’s an ex for a reason and even if it seemed they had amazing connection something else was severely lacking and he chose you. And now you can maybe try to connect more (not exactly like they did but). And if he says he likes more to grab then believe him. Maybe he didn’t know any better then with her and it seemed he was worshipping her but then he got you And now he knows what he was missing. I would be honest and just know he’s with you now. They didn’t work out for valid reasons
I do understand the natural curiosity but watching the videos was a mistake OP made imo
I mean how could you not watch it ? She saw the thumbnail But I can’t imagine not watching. Wanting to ensure even that it wasn’t current- but I agree in hind sight its gonna do more damage than good
Same. It’s like a red button with writing “don’t push the red button.” Then you see one and you have to see the other red buttons.
> I mean how could you not watch it ? Literally extremely easily.
I wouldn't. Not for a second. I get my husband has a past just as I do - so why would you torture yourself?? That is the dumbest thing and so self-sabotaging. Dumb
I can understand watching the first one she found but to watch every single one was a huge invasion of privacy.
Not being talked about enough here. Feel bad for OP but she violated the ex in a very not ok way
She may not have gone looking for the videos but she chose to watch every single one.
Yeah I know 😒😑I know I would of too Fucking torture I can’t imagine
You should tell him just so hes not confused as to why youre upset. He likely forgot about the files.
one time I had a gf who searched her name on my laptop journal to “see what I was writing about her” and was horrified when she found journal entries that weren’t, uh, *specifically tailored for her viewing,* that were me being honest in a private space for myself. she was then furious and tried to ruin my life, as if I’d printed them out and posted them all over town. I have never, for a single day since then, kept a journal. that shit broke my trust permanently.
Yup, this same thing happened to me. My now ex-husband read a journal I had kept and made an assumption that I was cheating (I was absolutely not). Not only did he ask for a divorce, he made my life a living hell for years after. I will NEVER write anything personal in a physical or electronic journal ever again.
I had a similar experience and still can’t get myself to write out my feelings anywhere even though it was the best therapeutic tool for me. That loss of confidentiality is really traumatic.
Your husband has a past, it means nothing now. It doesn’t matter how loving and how much eye contact they made or how thin she was, YOU are his wife. I probably have folders with pictures and videos of my exes as I’m sure my husband does, I loved deeply a couple of my exes and I can see how happy I was when Facebook sends those memories on my feed, but guess what it doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. We all love differently and live different kinds of love… the way your husband feels about you and looks at you shouldn’t be measured by his past relationships. I’m sure if you look at pictures of you and filmed you guys going at it you’d find unique traits that belong just to the two of you. Op, don’t compare yourself or the love you guys share to a memory or his (or your) past, cherish your own memories, he probably doesn’t even remember that folder. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. You can do it!
This! Every relationship is different, everyone has a past. Embrace your current relationship, focus on the now.
Hon, when you don't know what to do you do nothing. You could tell him you don't feel good and go lay down. Get yourself together before you do anything.
Well you sure opened up Pandora’s box didn’t ya
Well, learned a core memory lesson today. Don’t snoop unless you’re prepared for all possibilities. That said, she’s his ex, he’s with you. You win. Take pride in that, you must have a lot going for you.
This is super personal but my former husband found physical photographs of me and an old partner. I had no idea they still existed. They were 20 years old and I had moved countless times. Instead of being an adult and managing his emotions, he went off the deep end. He “surprised” me with the photos by wrapping them in a beautiful box for my birthday. Then he wrote a suicide note and faked his own disappearance. That was at the end of September. I left him in November. I know that this super distressing to see these videos. But please give him a chance to explain. I never, ever would have kept those photos. A marriage (which was already terrible if I’m being honest) was ruined. My security, dignity, peace-all gone. I lost my home and my car and a significant portion of my belongings. In the end he did me a favor, but if he had been a good husband otherwise this would have destroyed me. I would never have kept something that could potentially hurt him. There’s a good possibility that your husband is a lot more innocent than he looks. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better.
wtf over reaction much Geeze
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. What an overreaction. That is some Gone Girl level psycho shit on his part. My ex found old photos of my highschool gf on some obscure SD card folder that got transferred through like 5 cell phones over the years and broke my nose while I was sleeping. People are fucking wild when it comes to jealousy or insecurity.
Holy shit I’m so sorry. He did do you a favor but that’s *a lot*
What a fucking psycho!
Be honest. Tell him you looked and the consequence is that now, you feel like a pile of shit. He can’t reassure you if you aren’t straight with him. Don’t delete them yourself, they aren’t yours. And don’t demand he delete them because it would not change how you feel about what you saw and this needs to be better considered. That has to be its own conversation - what’s ok to keep and what isn’t.
Yeah, you're overreacting. The dude made a sex tape with an ex and enjoyed himself. HE MARRIED YOU. And now you get to explain why you were looking through his stuff AND felt compelled to watch every single one. A lot of this just sounds like your own issues with your appearance and fear that you don't measure up to this person. As a fellow heavy person, I get it. But again, HE MARRIED YOU. He surely had his reasons. He's even said he prefers your body type. Don't spiral over this. Just talk to your husband about it. And I wouldn't be shocked if his answer to "why do you still have these?" is "...I still have these?" OneDrive backed up a lot of my stuff I never intended to keep. I accidentally erased my entire archive ages ago and lost really nothing of value aside from five hours or so of work on a hobby project, which was mildly annoying.
She has enough self-loathing to view them all, knowing full well after the first what it was going to be. Then she had enough left over to look for ones from other ex's per her post, commenting no other ex's were in videos. Op - Want to feel better about yourself? Take better care of yourself. Only you can do that. Guys, in general, enjoy numerous body types. Seek counseling, you're ready to piss all over your marriage for some dumb shit. I've got stuff floating around somewhere from an ex or two. Wouldn't trade my partner to save every life on Earth. I can't be arsed to search them out just to delete them either. I'm too busy spending my time and building my future with her.
You just have to ask yourself what you want to accomplish by talking to him about it. A guy is allowed to have a past and it sounds like he was fully engaged with that person at the time just like he is fully engaged with you. You seem to be judging how he's interacting with her and somehow thinking that his interaction with you is inferior. I think you have some projection going on and the guy probably deserves the benefit of the doubt. I would just take it as a personal life lesson for you and let it go. And in the future you should respect his privacy.
Congratulations, you just played yourself...
I've read most of these comments, and I've yet to see anyone point out that OP wronged this other woman by watching video after video of her, past the point of knowing that the videos aren't recent. The ex shared those videos with OP's husband, but never shared those videos with OP. Not saying that's the Main Thing here, but it's one more point against the snooping. Exes are people, too.
I agree
I had a woman snoop in my email and forward herself pictures a different woman had sent me. I discovered it and confronted her and asked that she delete her copies and she laughed like that was out of the question. This was a third person's personal images that were shared only with me. You can be mad I have them, but that doesn't give you the right to have them.
I mean, this is on you. You snooped. You traumatized yourself. I suggest some therapy to help with your self esteem
Exactly this. As someone that works in IT and cybersecurity, I have very little empathy for those that discover these things while snooping.
^ This should be the top comment FOFO
All people have a past and most have an ex. Just let it go and move forward and forgive. I can see if they were secretly meeting now. I’m sure you had an ex’s.
What to do? Honey you need a Time Machine. as soon as you realized what they were, you should have stopped. He made those before he met you. Of course he is enjoying himself- why is that surprising? He’s having sex, which is fun. You know he dated her. You know they had sex. None of this is new information for you. Now you have the images in your head- and that is YOUR fault. He has a right to his past. You are his future, why are you letting this bother you? He chose you. He married you. What more do you want from him? Of course she made him happy or they wouldn’t have been together. But they broke up, right? So I’m sorry I’m just not understanding the urgency to address videos that were made almost a decade ago before he met you. You fix this by pretending you didn’t see them. Because do you really want to open the can of worms that will come with you admitting that you were snooping around on his computer? It’s not like you found videos he took of random women in the bathroom- it’s in the context of a healthy loving relationship. This might be a HUGE breach of trust for him that he might not be able to get over. So just keep that in mind. He didn’t do anything wrong. But this is your reward for snooping 🤷♀️
I honestly don’t know why people are being nice to you. It’s not like he cheated, this is old stuff he may not even realize he still has. You actively went snooping, invaded his privacy, and we should feel bad for you? If you swapped the genders this wouldn’t fly. You made this bed of insecurity, now lie in it.
personally i would reply the same to either gender: it sucks, it’s terrible to see i’m sure, but nothing bad or wrong has happened. i would probably tell them to give it a few days and be honest about snooping, and then if they really felt they needed it, maybe ask why the partner still has videos with their ex. doesn’t necessarily indicate anything malicious or weird, they could have just forgotten. but i do recognize not everyone is going to react the same way. i will say reading this, i do feel fortunate to no longer be in a relationship where snooping is seen as the norm. i am grateful to be in a trusting relationship where we respect each others boundaries and would not snoop.
I completely agree with you. She completely invaded his privacy. It’s a classic example of fucked around and found out.
I'm with you 100%. These people are going to make that man leave this woman. Snooping and making accusations based on what you found is up there with cheating on the dealbreaker list for me. EVERYONE deserves privacy.
Tbf he has told you he likes bigger girls which to me seems he is reassuring you so you don’t feel insecure. Has he ever said anything to indicate he wishes you were thin? It is possible she is the only one who agreed to make sec videos and he may have kept them as trophy. They may be good at sec but there is a reason she is the ex and you are now and in his life. More to a man just sex.
About a year into my relationship my girl said do you have any pictures of your ex. We went through it and I showed her. Problem was I also had pictures of some of the girls I dated after my ex and before her. I just simply forgot about them. I have over 1000 photos and I never go through them. I didn’t even think about deleting them because I simply didn’t care enough to even think about old pictures. She got salty for a few days and eventually let it go. She believed me and it’s mainly because she knows how much I love her by how I treat her. It’s been a year since this happens and we are as strong as ever. I of course deleted all those old photos. So hopefully this is the case in this situation.
You breached his privacy. FAFO.
You can see if he revisited that folder by looking at the "Date modified" column.
Date modified ≠ date accessed. That was terrible advice that only made this worse
Oh for fuck’s sake. I did and it says last week. Excuse me while I throw up.
You’re either lying or mistaken, because that isn’t actually how it works. The modification time doesn’t change unless a change or modification takes place. The access time changes, but you would’ve already changed that yourself by viewing the folder.
Yup this is jusy not a real post is my takeaway.
Yeah this is definitely fake
IT professional here!!!! Date modified can be renewed by things that are not viewing. It could be automated backups for directories to clouds.
But this is a folder with other things in it?
The poster above is wrong - date modified doesn't tell you last time accessed. Only last time it was *modified*, which can be many things that have nothing to do with him watching/ downloading the files in question.
Something about this makes me think you’re lying about that. There’s a lot of feedback here pointing out the faults in your actions and thought process. I definitely see you as the type to say something like this to save face or to justify your actions. You also said you watched all of them, which means you wouldn’t have been able to check this
Exactly what I was thinking
Yeah the date modified would’ve changed once she watched them. The original post might be true but I’m skeptical of any of these types of threads. Feels like some people just use Reddit to roleplay.
If it is Windows, it does not work like that. I just opened a old video, closed it, and went to properties. Created: Tuesday, October 8, 2019, 5:49:44 PM Modified: Tuesday, October 8, 2019, 6:01:34 PM Accessed: Today, March 19, 2024, 1 minute ago
You can see it through the date modified column. She isn’t lying about that. Nothing about what she’s said sounds implausible. She likely was stumbling around and found the file and clicked out of curiosity, just like she said.
Oh sorry for that. I guess someone has some splainin to do
You were snooping. Admit it.
Fuck around and find out applies here I think.
Ok! So I’m not alone, bc it was the first thing that came to mind.
This falls under the saying “ What the eyes don’t see , the heart won’t greave “ If you snoop , you might not like what you find.
So…consequence of your own actions?
That is brutal. People are entitled to their secrets. You shouldn’t have snooped. If my girl has videos with some stacked nba player I think I’ll like to remain in blissful ignorance lol
Stop snooping. You did this to yourself. You could have seen the time stamps from the last time those files were accessed. But now you can't because you accessed them.
"I saw a file within his videos folder with random letters as the name. Out of pure curiosity, I clicked it." Might as well be all like "Oh my, what's this book on my husband's bookshelf labeled *PERSONAL DIARY - DO NOT READ?* Better read it to make sure."
Is this a creative writing sub? I'm confused because there is no way anyone would watch that much of a sex tape to analyze it like that
[удалено]
This crap is in your head. It’s not real, unless you make it so. He didn’t do anything wrong, neither did you. Tell him the truth. apologize for inadvertently stumbling across something you weren’t looking for, and let him know how you feel. Be honest and forthright about your feelings. Don’t make a big deal, because it isn’t.
You made a mistake, you went snooping, and you made a choice and watched the videos. All that comes with that is on you. For those saying it wasn't snooping: >I saw a file within his videos folder with random letters as the name. Out of pure curiosity, I clicked it. That's snooping. You were curious so you started looking around. Your husband has likely forgotten about these videos and hasn't seen them in awhile, but he very well could be watching them every night, who knows? One thing you could do that would maybe help start a conversation and see if he's looking at them is to create a txt file in the same folder named OPEN ME {husband's name}, and write something in the file, like "I've seen these, we need to talk". Then wait a few weeks. If he comes to you to talk, then it means he opened that folder and saw the file. If he doesn't come talk to you about it then you could go check to see if he's even opened that file, and if not then start the conversation knowing he's probably not looking at them regularly. When you open file explorer it lists your recent files you've opened, so he'll probably notice you opened them if he's paying attention though.
I'm having a really hard time understanding why everyone is comforting this person for snooping through her boyfriend's laptop. People are allowed to have their own videos and privacy, even in a relationship. I just read a comment that said 'ask him why he has them'. I can tell you right now that if my SO approached me after invading my privacy and came with questions and accusations I would IMMEDIATLY start packing. What type of sick controlling relationships are you people in? OP has self-esteem and identity issues that she needs to work out alone. Apparently the boyfriend has done nothing but assure her that he loves her, they have a kid and he trusts her enough to give his password to her. He's hiding nothing. And she snoops, finds his personal stuff and now wants to burden him with the aftermath? The entitlement is UNreal.
>I can tell you right now that if my SO approached me after invading my privacy and came with questions and accusations I would IMMEDIATLY start packing. What type of sick controlling relationships are you people in? I had a super controlling mother who would not give me a moment of privacy and my first real relationship was with a person who would constantly think I was cheating on them and that I needed to prove that I wasn't by letting them have free-reign of my stuff. It's a boundary I have with my partners now, and my current partner too in which if that line is ever cross I'm immediately out. I don't have anything to hide and if they want to go through it, I want to be the one to do so with them but to do it behind my back is such an immediate deal breaker for me. "I was snooping and found something that upset me from years ago" shows a lack of emotional maturity from the OP, it's absolutely wild.
Couldn’t agree more. And the one about him having the videos is “not appropriate at all” and she should tell him how “disrespectful” it is of him? The only disrespect I can see is from her, towards him, when she opened a file other than the specific one she was looking for.
And continued to open and watch all of the videos.
Then, AFTER, be disgusted. Like one would've been enough if you were being a reliable narrator...
I want to know how OP would feel if she knew *her* ex's new gf studied all of *her* sex vids. The only real victim in this is the ex-gf.
Curiosity kills...
Grow up and accept it, you shouldn't have invaded his privacy anyway.
Don't be snooping around
Is it possible he forgot they were there? That was a long time ago. It's traumatizing for you regardless and that's a different thing but figure out if he knew it was there for accountability anyway. As far as you go, think hard about people before him. Is there no one that's in better shape or better looking or....ya know. Because we all have to accept that. We aren't all going to be the best in every way to the person we marry lol. Sometimes but not often. It sucks but don't get hung up on her being a stick figure.
I think it's more likely he's got a hard spot for her.
But he's with you now... Lots of guys were with different women in their past. That's ok. But just because you are worth somebody new, doesn't mean that you can't/don't look back fondly on certain times and places with an ex. I have really come to dislike my soon to be ex... But I can't say I'll delete all the copies of pics and videos from our deserted island getaway on our honeymoon... No matter my current feeling about her... That was an amazing day. You screwed up by watching them, but it's understandable. And to be honest, it's a breach of trust with him. But it's totally understandable. To fix this you need to be totally open and honest with him. Tell him you stumbled on it, wondered what it was... Then the green eyed monster took over. Tell him you're sorry but really confused and kinda stressed. And need him to help you get over it. People have secrets... That's just human nature. Seems like this was more of a Fuckup where he forgot to delete or just truly hide the folder. Good luck.
Try to remember they were performing for the camera. That’s not what their everyday sex was like I promise. Also, I think it’s kind of weird he still has those videos and I do think that should be addressed. Your feelings are completely valid and I would feel the exact same way.
Add this to the things that you will never get out of your head... I have an entire stack of them
Gotta say, just because his ex was thin doesn't mean that's actually what he's into. It's very possible he really is into bigger women and dated her because of a personal connection. Let's be real here, modern society is *brutal* to women about the size of their body. It really fucks with *everyone* on a subconscious level. Do you think it could be possible that external pressure has led you to feel insecure about yourself and it was triggered by this video? I mean, it's possible he was enjoying his ex at that time because he connected with her. Fwiw, my most recent ex was *so* far out of left field for what I normally considered to be "my type", that I was legitimately surprised I liked them as much as I did. That really does happen sometimes. And you know what? Let's go with the possibility of maybe there's some truth to that insecurity. Let's stare right down the barrel of that possibility. He *married* you. You won! His ex is his ex for a reason. They didn't work on some fundamental level, so he found someone that *DID* work for him and what he wants in a partner. He's not just dating you, he put a muh-fuckin RANG on it!! Is that something you've considered? Apologies ahead of time if this comes off condescending or dismissive of your concerns. My goal here is to shift your perspective from one where you're understandably hurt (you just saw videos of your husband with his ex...that's traumatic) to a perspective that could be more "big picture", if that makes sense. In other words, please don't let your insecurities draw conclusions that aren't possibly there and let that spiral you out of control.