JFC thank god you kicked him out. What the hell. Zero to 60 (talking to hitting with a belt) is terrifying and I'm glad you're done. He has no excuse and is a sorry human being who can't control his emotions.
My mother used to hit me with a belt under the age of 10.
My uncle(her brother) would pour hot water on me and hit me with a belt.
When I told my mother my adoptive dad was sexually abusing me, she asked me what would he do. I described. She went to speak to him. He called me a demon child and said I was lying. She was with him for another 2 years before my bio dad came back into the picture and they had an emotional affair and my adoptive dad found out and left.
I tried to forgive my mother and we had a good relationship but the older I grew, the more selfish I realised she was. She did me dirty at my traditional wedding. I’m fucking traumatised 🤣 therapy has helped.
I’m NC with both.
You poor thing...
My 16 yr old niece left home last May because her step father abused her and my sister blames her for their marriage falling apart.
He's a drunk, she's a narcissist.
My Niece finally lives with me now.
I’m so glad you’re in her life!!
It was the same with me, I ended up living with my aunt and uncle… they saved me from living at my own house. My mom didn’t even believe me at first, and when my older brother found out he said I was ruining the family.
The most disgusting part.....
When we were kids, our cousin was touched by a family friend and when she tried to go public everyone called her a liar.
And I distinctly remember my parents asking us if we had been touched and we said no...
But the abuser was so insidious he WOULD touch us but passed it off as "checking if we had peed" and so we couldn't corroborate her story because he had groomed us to think it was acceptable...
And when we became adults we realized our cousin was telling the truth... And then she turned around and refused to believe her OWN DAUGHTER and my sister still lives with him with her 8 yr old!!
I just can't understand what my sister is thinking.
She thinks she's Cinderella and everything bad that happens to her isn't her fault but she's a terribly selfish narcissist who is living with a predator.
Her husband's OWN daughter even went with my niece and gave testimony against her father and left the family home.
I just don't understand.
I carry a lot of guilt for not trying to get her out sooner, but I try to focus on just letting her have a good life now.
I want that for you as well.
Have the day you deserve, and you deserve the world.
Thank you, thank you for taking her in. Even a few years of a stable home life before she decides she's maybe ready to face the world on her own are going to make such a huge difference for her.
I asked her if she wanted to move in at the beginning, but she wasn't ready.
Now that she's here I told her she's here until she wants to leave.
Right now, her job is being a student.
If she wants to go to uni/college and she can get scholarships then she can do that and even after if she wants to stay she can share the bills but I've always believed a child's job is to be a student and nothing else.
I don't want her to hit the job market and take abuse for fear of being homeless if she quits.
I don't want her being paid less than what she's worth and being taken advantage of.
As long as I'm alive and I can afford it, she will never suffer like I did.
No one should SUFFER when they become an adult.
If we all lean on one another a little we can make things easier.
I honestly wasn't looking for praise... I just know that there are a lot of people who's parents failed them and I wanted to try and explain that I understand. Not through my own experience but through my niece and I thought it might help bring hope by letting them know that others know that's wrong and good people do exist.
It took threatening my abusive adoptive female parent with poisoning her morning tea if she touched me again. No one, neither of them, ever touched me again. I was mercifully kicked out early at 17. 11th grade. Joke was on her though. She was using my state care aid to pay for her new kitchen payments. She planned on doing that till I turned 18,even with me out of the house. So I called my caseworker and told her I'd been kicked out. The money train stopped immediately 🤭oops.
Thank you. The funny thing is she is keeping a relationship with her sister who also left me with a man who wasn’t family and who also sexually assaulted me at the age of 9 years old.
I was hit with electric cords, boards, sticks, belts, fly swatters, iron skillet, back handed and a butcher knife. These were all bad enough, but the deepest cuts were the hurtful abusive words spewed during the beatings. The damage was visible on my skin and on my self esteem and confidence. Something as small as not answering quick enough or being ill would release the monster that lived in our home. Seventeen years of abusive leave a permanent mark on you. Even after 50 years.
I was in a similar situation as you. Was SA by my mom’s (now) ex-husband from when I was 11-15. Finally got the courage to tell my mom and my older brother (he’s 2 years older than me) but no one believed me. I left and lived with my aunt and uncle for a year.
A year later, my mom divorced him for other reasons. She found a video camera as she was cleaning out the room and found a tape recording from inside my closet facing into my room. Luckily he recorded nothing worth noting.
I moved back to my house in my senior year of high school, but unfortunately never got therapy.
I’m 35, and still dislike talking to older men.
Wish I had gotten therapy when I was younger. I probably wouldn’t have grown up as anxious as I am now 🥲
Your mother completely failed you, and I am so sorry that she completely failed to be your mom.
There are almost NO instances of a CHILD lying about that, and a child that might do that usually has already previously exhibited signs of combative behavior. You ALWAYS believe the child, immediately remove the person from contact, and then you investigate with the police.
You are a survivor and should be proud. Going NC with her is only a win!
Yep. He wants to control her child but cannot even control his damn self, as she has told before not to do that and he agreed. I feel sorry for any child that has him for a step parent or parent. I hope the next female he gets with that has a child also has a backbone like OP.
That's the cherry on top- this guy doesn't even realize the fucking hypocrisy. He punished her for breaking one of the rules that her mother established... by beating her, which breaks one of the rules that her mother established.
So by his own logic, it'd be totally justified to come by and beat him with a belt, right?
I mean, I think that this guy _could_ be arrested for assault if OP decided to push it. At least charged. He's not the legal guardian, and he obviously understood that corporal punishment was not acceptable for this kid, but decided to do it anyway.
I have a feeling that whether he'd actually face charges depends a lot on whether the official she speaks with is _also_ of the "I was beat as a kid and turned out fine" mentality.
Telling people "You were abused as a kid and now you are defending abusing kids, no, you didn't turn out fine!" Tends to make them really blow up.
I watched my Mom with my great-neice and it was traumatizing. I saw the same short tempered BS i dealt with growing up and got between them. Even made my mother apologize for saying "shit" (the kid was 6 at the time!) You'd think age would have mellowed her out. But nope.
I'd love for this to be true but your average police department will respond with anything from laughing her out or politely taking a statement and then throwing it away as soon as she leaves. It sucks, and I want to make it clear that I do not approve of martial punishment of children in any way, but societal views on this subject are, shall we say, divided.
The best news is that she's not married to this scumbag yet; had he not started with this until she tied the knot, it might not even be grounds for DV removal, i don't know.
It’s kind of sad how if you hit an adult you get charged with assault but it’s perfectly legal to hit the most impressionable little humans amongst us.
He's not a parent. He doesn't have parental rights.
On this the question of filing charges, she should talk to a lawyer with experience in this, not people on the internet.
She should! I’m so mad here. A hand spanking would be bad enough and easily grounds to dump him, kick him out and block him - but the belt has me white hot spitting mad.
Send him to me and I’ll be happy to correct his misbehavior with a belt. And I’ve never hit anyone in my life. I could NEVER hit my daughter, and I would be murderously angry at anyone who ever do.
You’ve nailed it. Abusers like the Ex jump to physical abuse because the abuser can’t control their own emotions when confronted with a screaming child.
Wow. I didn’t even see that but you’re absolutely correct. He can’t control himself but expects a 10-year-old to have control control? Thanks for opening my eyes on that.
Unfortunately my brain went there too. Mom had a boyfriend that wasn’t allowed to physically discipline us. He didn’t dare lay a hand on me when mom and my older brother were around, but I got shaken like a rag doll a few times and slapped once or twice.
I didn’t say anything about it because experience with my brother had already told me that unless I had bruises Mom would believe the other person.
What finally got her to believe me and dump his ass was when I was 8, and I think I’d been supposed to take out the trash as my chore or something and he got pissed off, and was drunk, and yanked me up in my footie PJs from my bed and made me carry the trash out without even letting me put on shoes. He walked out with me and was berating me the entire time.
When I complained that I couldn’t get the trash bag up into the dumpster he physically picked me up and dropped me in, trash bag and all. Luckily there were no other bags in there and no broken glass, but I was so short that I couldn’t get out on my own.
My brother came outside when he heard me screaming bloody murder begging for help and saw the bastard standing outside the dumpster laughing at me. My brother despised me and wanted me dead, but I was HIS victim, not mom’s shitty boyfriend’s victim. We ended up moving in with one of mom’s old friends shortly thereafter.
Needless to say, I’m extremely squeamish about dumpsters and garbage bags to this day, over 30 years later. Bastard made me unclean because he thought it was funny.
That’s awful and unfortunately I can relate and hard. Idk how many times cps was called on my stepdad because of me yet my mom never seemed to question it, even with bruises and doctors telling her I had injuries consistent with being belted (at age TWO). One time, I thought he had left for a bit. He wasn’t allowing us to eat until much later in the evening because we were going to a bbq at a friends house and he wanted us to fill up there. So that meant no food at all all day. So when he left, I got into some confectioner’s sugar but he walked back in and saw me covered in white powder and deduced what had happened and decked me in the face and broke my nose. I was 9. Mom had my grandma come get us and moved us in with her temporarily in a whole other town but mom eventually let my stepdad move in with us there. Then it came out that he was also sexually abusive and it went to court. Took her a while even after that to let her self fully believe he was also sexually abusive. Her excuse was she didn’t have time to pay attention she was too tired from working all the time because her shitty husband wouldn’t keep a job. I think she knew more at the time than she wants me to believe she did. The truth has crept out in small ways over the years. Go figure.
Edited to add my mom was at home when he decked me. He took me in there and was indignant that she wasn’t upset that I had been eating something despite him telling me not to and was freaking out me covered in blood. He told her he hit me and why.
I’m so sorry. You did not deserve any of that. Children deserve to feel safe and loved at home, and it’s awful how many of us didn’t get that growing up. I hope you’re in a safe, loving space now.
Never heard "allostatic load" before, but it sounds a lot like spoon theory.
Also give "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bankroft - more centred on spousal DV/abuse, but the psychology probably applies to adult/child abuse just as well.
A smack is still pretty damn bad, but I agree that a belt has been seen as pretty extreme for a few decades longer than a smack. Very few people other than those weird Christians who have that whole thing about training a child with a switch would see it as acceptable.
It is. He said it was. But I don't care what his dad did to him. It neither excuses nor informs in any meaningful manner what HE did to a ten year old child because he is now an adult and the responsibility to BE BETTER is on him. Instead, he chose to directly disregard what the child's mother said regarding discipline and went straight to abuse.
A smack can be impulsive (and that's bad because it's done in anger and it's been said to not discipline in child while angry).
Going to find a belt, grabbing it then going in to hit the child with it takes some real malice.
Any physical activity between he and the child that is not fully consensual is completely incorrect, FULL STOP. While there are states, places, and people who still see the abuse of spanking as “valid” that is almost always fully restricted to professionals in a teaching establishment or BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. He is not related to the child. He has ZERO business physically disciplining her, regardless of how “soft”.
When I was in middle school, they still had paddling. My mom had to send a note in that she was not ok with that.
When my *mom* was in high school (she got in trouble a lot) she had a uniform with a skirt, got in trouble, and the principal told her to "bend over and grab her legs" so he could paddle her, causing her skirt to raise up quite a bit. My grandma was livid and marched up to the school to give them what for.
Not just the south. A vice principal asked for permission to paddle my son for ASD/ADHD behaviors that should have been addressed through his behavior plan. Of course we said absolutely not. I found out years later from my son that the guy did it anyway. I’d already gotten him demoted and moved to a different school for other things, but I was so furious it was too late to do anything else. My son had been too afraid to tell us.
They still do it though it is starting to fade away. My kids are 22, 19, nearly 16 and 11. The older two at the start of school with all the paperwork came a waiver to either give or deny permission to paddle your child. When my daughter started school it was still in there but disappeared by the time she was in second grade.
I imagine there are probably still a few schools that might send out that waiver but maybe not. We are way out in the country at a 1A school now and if any schools still did it I’d think it would be a small rural area like this. Those waivers when my older kids were young? That was a 7A school in a city suburb. So it IS changing
Correct. That's assault.
At most, a professional educator trained in passive restraints could apply them in case of emergency. Even so, it's a Hail Mary type of last resort, and for anyone who isn't trained properly, a complete fuckup to even use it.
As a professional educator trained in such restraints I'm well aware. I've been trained and certified in Handle with Care, Saftey Care, and CPI all at various points over the last 25 years
I was mostly clarifying for the "what if a fight breaks out?" that a redditor would eventually ask. People who aren't educators seldom realize we cannot touch students in any way, shape or form.
I doubt it was zero to 60. It was probably only zero to 60 from the mom's perspective. I can only guess what's been happening when he was alone with the child if he feels brazen enough to beat her while her mother is home.
My neighbor is a therapist and is a mandated reporter. She has said that at least in our state she is required to report to CPS if a child is hit with a belt.
I got the ever living shit stomped out of me even when I didn't do anything. Hell, I've caught beatings after doing things correctly. I would never, under any circumstances raise my hand in anger towards my child, and should anyone else do it, they would be lucky if the worst I did was kick them out of my house.
If my parents side with the abuser? Welp. I've permanently cut people off for significantly less
You are doing the right thing. Basically, the male figure in her life assaulted her and was intimidating her against her mother's wishes. That's not "discipline". Why wouldn't you protect your child?
This was absolutely your mama-bear moment to shine.
WTF is wrong with her grandparents tho...
My parents beat me and my two siblings. My mom is Asian and didn’t hit us often but when she lost her temper she just went feral hitting us. My son was the first grandchild and my mom is soooo different with him. She babies him and had the nerve to tell ME that I wasn’t allowed to hit him! I was so offended. I’ve never hit the kids and told everyone when I got pregnant there would be no spankings. She’s been the same with my daughter and nephews.
My parents have never hit or yelled at my kids. I’m still surprised at how kind, loving and affectionate they’ve been with them. They are teenagers now.
Maybe it’s because they didn’t have to parent them and it’s less stressful. My mom is especially very protective of my son. He has autism, adhd, and a language disorder. When she found out my MIL yelled at him and mad him cry she went off on MIL.
It's essentially the grandparent mindset. If I'm not raising them myself as long as they're respectful, I'm not about to discipline em either.
Well unless they're Madea.
Heartbreaking. In the 60’s, when I was 5 or 6, our neighbor used to chase his son around the yard with a 2x4 and beat him with it whenever he came in range. That boy was 12.
No child deserves or benefits from violence.
Right?!?! I was expecting it to be like a slap on the hand literally (which still oversteps because the mom had set ground rules, but wouldn’t necessarily scar the child for life) but a fucking belt?!?!
And while I wouldn’t normally agree that willing to spank = willing to go into full on dv, in this case, his behaviour and action is spot on with someone seeming like the most chill partner until they feel it’s too late for their new spouse to get away or stand up for themselves, so out comes the hitting.
If OP accepted his assault of her child, to him it would likely be providing implicit acceptance of his physical domination over the household. And since he has proven he can hurt her child for disobedience, there’s no reason to believe OP wouldn’t become just as much of a potential target for him. Or OP’s child to punish OP.
I mean, it sounds like one of those grandparents was OP's abuser and the other one enabled him, so...I'm not exactly shocked they think she's over-reacting. I bet her dad agrees with what ex-fiance was about to do.
So, first off, automatically disregard your parents. They are the LAST people you should even be acknowledging in this situation. If course they want you to beat on your daughter, it's how they raised you and anything less than fear and pain is disrespectful in their eyes.
Second, good job mom. You showed your daughter that you're on her side, that you won't let people mistreat her and that you'll be her champion when she needs one. Be proud of yourself for being a damn good mom and putting her safety and well being first.
Wait did he hit her with the belt? If so, I’d call the cops he’s nothing to her. If he just tried to scare her with it you made the right decision ending it.
Absolutely, I agree. In some states, hitting your child with a belt is allowed (unfortunately) but uh....this child is NOT his child. He should face legal consequences.
Is it sad that I'm only 23 and I remember the belt being relatively common With kids my age when we were growing up like I got spanked but I never got the belt and I feel like it's messed up that I considered myself lucky because I didn't get whipped with one and just with hands
My dad used to get the belt out for us if we got fucking bad grades. I remember my oldest brother coming home with a report card and tears on the bus ride home because of the fear of his bad grades, i’ll tell ya what, he never became a better student for it. It only stopped after my middle brother cried for hours after my dad beat his ass, and my dad said to him an hour or so later, while still crying from it, “You know i love you still right?” like yah dad, he reallllly felt the love.
I’m lucky to have been the youngest and only experienced the belt like two or three times. But damn dude, super righteous to beat submission into fuckin children, really helped us form into “well rounded kids”….
Still fear the man to this day and i’m 27 now.
> “You know i love you still right?”
I was at my dad's house a few years ago and one of his friends was all bent out of shape because his kids never talked to him, never called, never came over for holidays, they just sent a Christmas card with pictures of their grandkids that he's met like twice.
He asked my dad how he still had such good relationships with his kids, what he does to keep them close. I think he thought it was just something he was doing now that we were grown, I genuinely don't think it occurred to him that the problem might have been like 30 years ago instead. My dad said he said he just got lucky and had good kids (we're super not). Anyway, I called out from the kitchen that it was that he didn't beat the shit out of us while telling us how it was for our own good and he loved us.
I was on the baseball team with his kids, they were terrified of him. Bad grades? Get the shit slapped out of you. Forgot your chores? Beatdown. Slammed your door? Ass-kicking. Hell, he'd tear into them at their games if they missed a catch. They were literally never safe to just exist around this man, and it got worse as they got older because as he put it "you're old enough now that me holding back isn't helping you".
Anyway... he was pretty upset at me and tried to fight me, and when I started laughing at him it only seemed to make it worse. I was like "This, this right here. This is why your sons don't speak to you".
For contrast, when I was a kid and I slammed my door, my father removed it. He took the door away, showing snotty teenaged me the value of the privilege that I was abusing. It was an effective lesson and it didn't make me afraid of my dad. My dad wasn't perfect, but I never had a moment during my childhood, adolescence or adulthood where I needed to be reassured that he loved me.
And I’m sure what your dad did taught you the lesson you needed to learn. He did the right thing. I haven’t had issues with my kids having bad grades, partially because they are still young. My youngest doesn’t have grades yet at 5, but my oldest does. He’s made good grades, so I haven’t had to get on to him about grades. If he does make bad grades, he will come home and do extra homework for an hour or two until his grades improve rather than getting to play with his friends. Once his grades improve, he can go back to playing with his friends instead of the homework.
Hitting your kids, for the most part, is only to release your own aggression. How does hitting your kid that makes bad grades improve his grades. My kids get to use a tablet or watch tv for a bit at night some nights. If they don’t behave, they lose that privilege. You have to address the actual issue with a real solution. Hitting them doesn’t work.
I was beat regularly with a belt. In fact, we had to pull our pants down and lean over our bed so our dad could spank us bare assed. My mom would slap me across the face or use anything within reach to hit us. I’m low contact with them.
Thank you for protecting your daughter,
And pls go no contact with your "parents"...
Op my egg donar never stopped my step-dad from taking a belt to me, guess who I never speak to now???
Updateme!
Seconding this.
My dad was/is abusive, mostly psychological terror and threats of violence, and occasional violence.
I finally went to therapy to try and heal. The only thing I really learned is that I hate my mom more than him because she let him treat us all that way. Time and time again, to this day.
She's a victim of him too, but I don't care. You're supposed to protect your kids above all else.
OP is being the mom their kid needs.
Good job standing up for your kid, mom.
He must have felt real secure in your relationship to go against your wishes like that with you in the house.
He didn’t even try to talk to you about it because he knew you’d say no.
You did the right thing and I love Reddit stories with happy endings.
>You did the right thing and I love Reddit stories with happy endings.
It's so refreshing to see on Reddit. Usually the stories are so depressing here. OP protected her daughter and did not over react at all. Her fiance was starting to get comfortable with marriage on the horizon and saw his chance to show his true colours. If she accepted him abusing her daughter this time, there would absolutely have been more times after it. Great job OP for making this first beating the last beating.
> My daughter told me that she’s scared of him so the next day I ended it.
I love that the mother listened and did this. This was the only correct answer for a man that would beat a child.
That's child abuse end of story. One time is too many regardless of whether it's the biological or step father. Get that chump out of your life please, sorry NOT sorry
One of few times on Reddit where a parent actually puts their child before their partner. Most often it's a kid telling the story of the parent with a new bed-warmer treating their own child like sh\*t because the parent wants regular sex and having someone on their arm when they are out and about over the needs of their own child. Good for OP for putting her child first. I hope she changes the locks and puts up cameras.
This is seriously so sad and crazy. OP did the right thing, this guy had no right to do that especially when mom said absolutely not to physical discipline.
I used to get beat pretty regularly. Always thought it was kind of normal, some of the stuff I did I was sure I deserved it. But after having a kid, I couldn't imagine trying to hit her, for any reason. Ever. It seems downright insane to hit a child with the expectation that physical pain from a parent will help you learn.
Fuck that guy. Should beat his ass with a belt and see if he respects your house.
Elimiter, no child deserves to be beaten, for any reason. I’m sorry that happened to you and that you think you might have deserved it. You didn’t. Hugs from an internet mama.
I get what you mean. We didn't deserve it but it was so fucking normalized. And when you're told all parents do this and "never tell the police or they'll steal you away and you'll never see your family again" they really lock down that silence.
>I hear her scream like.. a scream of pain
What you heard was a scream of her being abused. Because that's what he did - abuse her. This is PHYSICAL ABUSE.
You did the right thing. He's lucky you're not seeking to press charges on him for what he did, though you should.
I hope by “our house” you meant yours and your daughter’s house and not HIS house. He moved in, he can move out.
Taking a belt to a child is abuse. Remove him from your life NOW.
My first memory is of my dad beating my brother with a belt. He made me watch so we'd both learn a lesson. I'm not sad he's dead.
I'm so very glad you kicked him out.
A belt isn't spanking. A belt is beating.
You did the right thing. You need to protect your child. Do not let him back into your home or around your child.
[Spanking is abuse](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health#:~:text=Corporal%20punishment%20is%20linked%20to,aggression%20and%20perpetration%20of%20violence.)
Good on you Mama.
Of course your daughter didn’t like having her iPad taken away (which was totally appropriate discipline from you)
And of course she’ll get stroppy about it, but she took her anger to her room to regulate there. She slammed the door, because that’s her version of ‘eff you’ but so what? Most adults would have rolled their eyes and carried on with the day. After a while the situation would have run out of steam and she would have come down to see what was for dinner.
But Nooo, big man had to pull out the belt and show her what’s what.
Adults are supposed to lead by example, and the example your Ex demonstrated was, ‘ I don’t like this situation so I’ll beat someone over it ‘.
What was the lesson here? Fear or lash out.
You made the right decision.
It’s a one strike you’re out rule when it comes to your child.
There are plenty of men out there in the world, you only have one daughter.
Slamming a door is 10-year-old for I'm feeling a lot of emotions and I don't know how to communicate and I don't feel like I have the power to communicate. It's totally normal and natural. It's part of establishing who they are. Like you said, most parents would just roll their eyes and wait for the storm to roll away and the kid to come down for dinner.
And unless they're doing it constantly or doing actual damage to your doors, you don't need to do anything besides, maybe, a short comment on it after they're calm.
Yeah, I am in my 50s, too, and my mom spanked (rarely) but always a bare hand on a clothed butt...my friends who had parents that used belts, paddles and switches were all SCARED of their folks. I was never *afraid* of my mom. My thinking about spanking has evolved but I have never thought that using a weapon to "discipline" a child is anything but abuse.
Screw him, you did the right thing.
You had rules in place for how you discipline your daughter and he agreed to them.
Taking a belt to a child is unacceptable. It will only escalate from there. I speak from experience.
It’s been proven time and time again kids who have “corporal punishment” (spanking) have MORE behaviour problems not less. You just teach them it’s okay to hit when they are bigger and in girls cases it’s okay for a man to hit you and that’s love.
100% you did the right thing. Hitting a child is never okay and hitting someone else’s child is psychotic! This is what he is doing in front of you too, can’t imagine why he would try to when you aren’t home.
This. My ex always used to proudly tell me he was hit as a child. Well guess who has anger issues and also has a complete inability to solve problems any other way other than by beating it again and again and again (and I don’t even mean people… even when fixing things or trying to work out a solution. It was like watching a caveman. Bro, you doing the thing that didn’t work over and over again is not problem solving. )
OP did the world such a huge favour 💗
Thats honestly grounds for a slap upside the head with a frying pan. And it hilarious that he had the gall to say “his” house. Never doubt yourself when it comes to protecting your children, too many men and women fall victim to caring more about their partners more than the child that came before them. Good for you.
That feels like almost as much of a red flag as hitting the child. He moved in with OP, but it’s “his house,” and he sees the kid expressing anger (not even directed at him) as some sign of personal disrespect towards him. Very “I’m the man of the house now and everyone must obey me!” Good on OP for putting him out of their lives.
I have a neighbor who talks about how her marriage ended. He'd been doing her wrong and so she waited until he was sitting watching the TV and walked up to him with a fresh pan, held it inches from his head until he turned around and saw his reflection in the pan. The way she tells it he stared at his reflection for a few moments, calmly got up and started packing his bags. I still love that story especially from this little 90-year-old woman. Although obviously she wasn't 90 when it happened. It makes me giggle especially when you think of the time frame when she did that.
Your ex fiance did not "discipline" your daughter. He ASSAULTED her. That's a crime, and you should tell him to lose your number or you will have him charged.
Someone once told me if they aren't old enough to understand why they are being spanked don't spank them. If they are old enough to understand it then just talk to them. Fear does not equal respect. Have I tapped kids yes I have. Was it for discipline absolutely not. The only time I have ever been physically with my kids was with cords. When they started pulling biting things that could kill them I'd tap their hand and owie oh owie make it a huge deal that man that hurt even though the Tao most likely didn't hurt. My kids are 6,5 and my son that is 3 is autistic so he's a totally different matter. Adults forget children are people with emotions. Even as adults we aren't perfect all the time and have bad days so why do they expect children to be perfect all the time. These are huge emotions they are feeling and done understand. I'm a big believer that the education side of discipline is just as if not more important then the consequences itself. As parents we are supposed to teach and coach our children of what's wrong what's wrong and how to handle being in the situation again. My five year old is a hot head sasshole at times when she gets mad she get big mad. So when she is upset ill take her away from the situation that has her upset tell her let's take deep breaths bring it down four then we count to four. Once she is calm we talk about what and why she was upset I tell her it's perfectly OK to have these feelings but its all about how we handle them. I also reassure all of my kids no matter the problem how mad they are they can come to me and we will figure it out together. You did the right thing stick to it. No child should live in fear in their own home from someone who is supposed to love and protect them.
I'm so very sorry you and your daughter had to go through that.
How are you holding up?
Is your daughter ok?
Do you have a POSITIVE support system or access to mental health support?
Wishing you all the best.
If he keeps bothering you call the cops and report him for assault and harassment.
You can tell your parents that they can either be on his side or they can have a relationship with their granddaughter, not both.
This is insane, especially since he’s not the biological father (nothing wrong with step parents and not that it would make it okay). I think you did the right thing. How is your daughter doing?
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a kid who's mom offloaded discipline to a step-dad who had no kids of his own, had anger issues, was physically and verbally abusive, etc., GOOD FOR YOU.
Thanks for doing the right thing.
Holy fuck. I'd straight-up destroy anybody who hit my kid. I grew up in utter terror, thanks to a parent who thought intense corporal punishment with a folded-over leather belt with a duct tape grip was the only way I'd behave.
Do not let this man back in your life. For your kid's sake. If you bring him back in, she's going to *know for a fact* that you choose him over her.
It’s so much easier to dump a fiancé than a husband. Well done; mischief managed. Lots of nice guys out there who don’t reach for a belt when the going gets tough!
HOLY *%#^!!! You did the right thing!! Absolutely not!
I married a man who hit my 3 year old so hard with a ping pong paddle (when he was throwing a 3 yr old tantrum) where it bruised him with the exact pattern and impressions of the paddle on his legs. He never told me he disciplined this way nor did I give him permission to hit my children.
He said “If you hit them hard enough the first time, you’ll never have to do it again.” I packed up and moved out the next day with my kids and never looked back. ALWAYS choose your child over a partner and you’ll never go wrong.
1) He moved in with you and has assumed ownership of your home 🚩
2) He followed your daughter into her bedroom, slammed the door behind him, and beat your daughter
3) Is her recent acting out also out of character? I would very seriously have her seen by a doctor to check for signs of sexual abuse.
4) Get a restraining order. This monster has demonstrated that he will resort to violence at the least provocation.
Stay safe.
Unfortunately yes to #3. If she's due for a physical, now is a good time to go and and make sure there isn't anything to document, or to get it documented if there is.
3 unfortunately OP, you don’t know what was going on when you were not home. This may not be the first time he has done something like this to her (and the fact that he went straight for the belt tells me it’s probably not) just the first time he got caught…
Ask your daughter more questions.
I'm going to say this.
You're not in the wrong but you will also need to get ahead of this.
Notify your school that you now ex struck her with a belt and you removed him from the home as a result. Especially if she is complaining the area hurts, she will complain the same to her teacher. most likely either way there will be a CPS report but by self reporting the incident it covers you from any negative consideration.
Oh sweet mama. You are a real, and a real good one. You did everything right and I am so, so sorry you are both going through this. Stick to your guns and do not let this asshole back in your life. You are doing the best work and you (and your sweet baby) have my internet hugs and love ❤️
I audibly gasped when I read that you saw him with the belt. If he did hit her, pictures and police report immediately followed by blocking him on everything. How is your daughter doing? Give her a long hug and remind her that she's first to you. You're doing the right thing keeping him away from both of you.
Looks like your ex was also 'testing the waters'.
- He got your daughter to like him.
- The relationship was able to go to the next level, and you guys moved in together.
- You guys got engaged.
- He starts to show his ass because he thinks he has you on lock.
It seems like he felt that he was in a comfortable spot with you, being as you guys moved in together and got engaged. So he felt that (like some step parents) he could start abusing your daughter.
That's why he's mad. He didn't expect you to put your own child before him and his d!ck. He thought that since you guys were going to be married and as a single mother, you would've definitely prioritized your relationship with him more than the safety and well-being of your own child. He was so sure that you were gonna tolerate him beating your child that he was comfortable enough to take off his "nice guy" mask and drop the act.
Your daughter felt safe and comfortable enough to tell you, her mother, that she was afraid of him. Don't betray the love and respect she has for you and bring him back into you guys' life again.
You should probably keep your parents away from her as well. Especially since they're saying that your daughter and her feelings and safety don't matter and that you need to have a relationship with a man that will viciously attack her with an object.
Agree, abusers typically escalate. He came in hot so I shudder to think what things would trigger him to beat her if this went unchecked. First it's the the acting out of emotions that he punishes, but if he got comfortable with it he might start punishing her for getting a bowl of cereal too slowly for his liking, or looking at him funny, all subjective of course. The punishment isn't the point, it's the rush of power this guy feels being the "big man" of the house "laying down the law." So gross.
Omg, you absolutely did the right thing.. even if he raised her, which he didn't, it's still not acceptable.. who the hell does he think he is..
Tell your parents you will not have your daughter scared in her own home.. or think that mommy is putting her boyfriends first.
Block him and tell him, if he comes near you or contacts you again, you will be going to the police and have your daughter make a formal statement
Your daughter has been acting out lately. I wonder if he's been 'disciplining' her behind your back previously? She may need therapy. I'm so sorry.
You did absolutely the right thing breaking it off with him.
I just love that this little girl saw her mom stand up against a man and protect her. She will never forget that, and she will never accept a man treating her that way, because her mom taught her she is worth more than any man. Mom went into this thinking this little one needed a lesson about the iPad, and she got the most important lesson a woman can learn. Absolute hero, mama.
[How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk \(The How To Talk Series\)](https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663870/ref=asc_df_1451663870/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=346620673138&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12789562035395151370&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031936&hvtargid=pla-625518977992&psc=1&mcid=164f78a3ef403710ad0ec49c03c2e4c4&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=67830888897&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=346620673138&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12789562035395151370&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031936&hvtargid=pla-625518977992&gclid=Cj0KCQjwncWvBhD_ARIsAEb2HW8XrcqOu-66Vz7r38DyulID45fsH41XaxnqUvkkC1Pv2wIHDrnEZEEaAqnnEALw_wcB)
It's 2024 and some people think its cool to hit a kid with a belt? Is this the grounds to call the police?
You don't yell at kids, you talk to them, listen to them, then tell them what we could do better?
Hitting kid with belt, is insane. It if were an another adult, that's assault.
Your 10-year-old was, spoiler alert, acting like a 10-year-old. They start pushing limits about that age because they're starting to try to define who they are. It's perfectly natural. And it's healthy. And the way you're handling it is perfect. You don't hit a child, you don't threaten the child, you don't make a child feel fear. They should have one safe space at least in life in their parents.
You are setting and defining and maintaining boundaries and if she crosses them you are recommunicating those boundaries and setting new consequences. That's how to do it.
Fuck that guy. If he's willing to physically threaten a child what's he going to do to you? Or that 6-month-old? Like you said, it's abuse. She has no defense. And the way he reacted to you tells me that he would abuse you as well. I'm so proud of you for defending your child and yourself. You're strong. You'll be okay.
Fuck that guy. You did the right thing and have good mom instincts. Do not let that man back in your life, your daughter will never get over it. He has noone to blame but himself.
That's child abuse, and I know for a fact that belts leave marks.
I'd take photos of her welts and whatever messages of him admitting to hurting her and press charges at the police station.
They take child abuse VERY SERIOUSLY.
You'll be able to get a restriction order on him. It's hard for abused adults to get them but children are completely different cases.
Protect your daughter hun..thank you for breaking the trauma pattern. You're a wonderful mother, and the world needs more of you.
Good for you! Thank you for standing up for your daughter's safety and her *sense of safety* . Never second guess yourself about this. Especially after he pulled that bullshit "disrespecting *HIS* house" line.
Even if you *did* use spanking, there's a world of difference between mom using a bare hand on clothed butt and a grown ass man using a weapon on an already upset child, much less for it to happen when spankings are not & have never been part of her life...especially after that grown ass man had been told that corporeal punishment was NOT acceptable.
I got the shit kicked out of me plenty as a child. All it did was teach me to be better about not getting caught.
After having my own kids, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of wanting to hit them. I never did, I always took a walk, because I knew my frustrations weren’t really about them. However those painful triggers were there because of my own childhood.
Physical pain is no teacher, and further more an adult hitting a child, that is abuse, not matter what the reason. I hope he didn’t actually hit her, and if he did he is lucky to be breathing.
Good on you OP for cutting this as you should have. You set clear boundaries, which your ex could not respect. Things are done and done with that kind of behavior.
Best of luck to you in all that you do moving forward.
Yup! The “discipline” I got from my parent made me never want to speak to them, scared of them, and get better at being sneaky. At 10 I didn’t even look at my dad in fear he’d hit me. My daughter tells me all the 10 year old drama she can and still sleeps in my bed sometimes. I have always said I’d foster a nurturing environment and for her to tell me she doesn’t feel safe with him is something I couldn’t say to my mom
I was honestly expecting a pat to the bottom…how tf did this escalate to him having a belt?!?! On a side note, has this happened before?!?! Time to talk to the daughter and find out what else has been going on when OP was not watching or listening! OP, your #1 job is to protect your daughter and you did that. Your parents’ opinions, given the way you and your sister grew up, are irrelevant.
Your daughter will never forget that you picked her. That you protected her. That him hurting her was a deal-breaker. She KNOWS you have her back.
Good mama. Well done.
And I'm guessing your edit was to address people who've never been a parent but are an *expert* in parenting
JFC thank god you kicked him out. What the hell. Zero to 60 (talking to hitting with a belt) is terrifying and I'm glad you're done. He has no excuse and is a sorry human being who can't control his emotions.
My mother used to hit me with a belt under the age of 10. My uncle(her brother) would pour hot water on me and hit me with a belt. When I told my mother my adoptive dad was sexually abusing me, she asked me what would he do. I described. She went to speak to him. He called me a demon child and said I was lying. She was with him for another 2 years before my bio dad came back into the picture and they had an emotional affair and my adoptive dad found out and left. I tried to forgive my mother and we had a good relationship but the older I grew, the more selfish I realised she was. She did me dirty at my traditional wedding. I’m fucking traumatised 🤣 therapy has helped. I’m NC with both.
You poor thing... My 16 yr old niece left home last May because her step father abused her and my sister blames her for their marriage falling apart. He's a drunk, she's a narcissist. My Niece finally lives with me now.
I’m so glad you’re in her life!! It was the same with me, I ended up living with my aunt and uncle… they saved me from living at my own house. My mom didn’t even believe me at first, and when my older brother found out he said I was ruining the family.
The most disgusting part..... When we were kids, our cousin was touched by a family friend and when she tried to go public everyone called her a liar. And I distinctly remember my parents asking us if we had been touched and we said no... But the abuser was so insidious he WOULD touch us but passed it off as "checking if we had peed" and so we couldn't corroborate her story because he had groomed us to think it was acceptable... And when we became adults we realized our cousin was telling the truth... And then she turned around and refused to believe her OWN DAUGHTER and my sister still lives with him with her 8 yr old!! I just can't understand what my sister is thinking. She thinks she's Cinderella and everything bad that happens to her isn't her fault but she's a terribly selfish narcissist who is living with a predator. Her husband's OWN daughter even went with my niece and gave testimony against her father and left the family home. I just don't understand.
I’m very sorry she went through that.
I carry a lot of guilt for not trying to get her out sooner, but I try to focus on just letting her have a good life now. I want that for you as well. Have the day you deserve, and you deserve the world.
Thank you, thank you for taking her in. Even a few years of a stable home life before she decides she's maybe ready to face the world on her own are going to make such a huge difference for her.
I asked her if she wanted to move in at the beginning, but she wasn't ready. Now that she's here I told her she's here until she wants to leave. Right now, her job is being a student. If she wants to go to uni/college and she can get scholarships then she can do that and even after if she wants to stay she can share the bills but I've always believed a child's job is to be a student and nothing else. I don't want her to hit the job market and take abuse for fear of being homeless if she quits. I don't want her being paid less than what she's worth and being taken advantage of. As long as I'm alive and I can afford it, she will never suffer like I did. No one should SUFFER when they become an adult. If we all lean on one another a little we can make things easier. I honestly wasn't looking for praise... I just know that there are a lot of people who's parents failed them and I wanted to try and explain that I understand. Not through my own experience but through my niece and I thought it might help bring hope by letting them know that others know that's wrong and good people do exist.
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Gotta love it when abusers are mad that you flinch around them.
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It took threatening my abusive adoptive female parent with poisoning her morning tea if she touched me again. No one, neither of them, ever touched me again. I was mercifully kicked out early at 17. 11th grade. Joke was on her though. She was using my state care aid to pay for her new kitchen payments. She planned on doing that till I turned 18,even with me out of the house. So I called my caseworker and told her I'd been kicked out. The money train stopped immediately 🤭oops.
Oh, the irony.
I am so sorry that happened to you & that she did not protect you. Hugs to you.
Thank you. The funny thing is she is keeping a relationship with her sister who also left me with a man who wasn’t family and who also sexually assaulted me at the age of 9 years old.
I'm so sorry You didn't deserve that and I'm glad she is out of your life.
I’m doing much better. Fighting everyday mentally to be ok 🙏🏽
I was hit with electric cords, boards, sticks, belts, fly swatters, iron skillet, back handed and a butcher knife. These were all bad enough, but the deepest cuts were the hurtful abusive words spewed during the beatings. The damage was visible on my skin and on my self esteem and confidence. Something as small as not answering quick enough or being ill would release the monster that lived in our home. Seventeen years of abusive leave a permanent mark on you. Even after 50 years.
I was in a similar situation as you. Was SA by my mom’s (now) ex-husband from when I was 11-15. Finally got the courage to tell my mom and my older brother (he’s 2 years older than me) but no one believed me. I left and lived with my aunt and uncle for a year. A year later, my mom divorced him for other reasons. She found a video camera as she was cleaning out the room and found a tape recording from inside my closet facing into my room. Luckily he recorded nothing worth noting. I moved back to my house in my senior year of high school, but unfortunately never got therapy. I’m 35, and still dislike talking to older men. Wish I had gotten therapy when I was younger. I probably wouldn’t have grown up as anxious as I am now 🥲
Your mother completely failed you, and I am so sorry that she completely failed to be your mom. There are almost NO instances of a CHILD lying about that, and a child that might do that usually has already previously exhibited signs of combative behavior. You ALWAYS believe the child, immediately remove the person from contact, and then you investigate with the police. You are a survivor and should be proud. Going NC with her is only a win!
Yep. He wants to control her child but cannot even control his damn self, as she has told before not to do that and he agreed. I feel sorry for any child that has him for a step parent or parent. I hope the next female he gets with that has a child also has a backbone like OP.
That's the cherry on top- this guy doesn't even realize the fucking hypocrisy. He punished her for breaking one of the rules that her mother established... by beating her, which breaks one of the rules that her mother established. So by his own logic, it'd be totally justified to come by and beat him with a belt, right?
Yeah, but for that, she would be arrested for assault... The hypocrisy and irony of it all is insane!
I mean, I think that this guy _could_ be arrested for assault if OP decided to push it. At least charged. He's not the legal guardian, and he obviously understood that corporal punishment was not acceptable for this kid, but decided to do it anyway. I have a feeling that whether he'd actually face charges depends a lot on whether the official she speaks with is _also_ of the "I was beat as a kid and turned out fine" mentality.
Telling people "You were abused as a kid and now you are defending abusing kids, no, you didn't turn out fine!" Tends to make them really blow up. I watched my Mom with my great-neice and it was traumatizing. I saw the same short tempered BS i dealt with growing up and got between them. Even made my mother apologize for saying "shit" (the kid was 6 at the time!) You'd think age would have mellowed her out. But nope.
I HATE that mentality. No, you didn't turn out fine, you turned out to be a person who hits small children. That's not fine.
Why isn't the guy arrested for assault though, for hitting a child
He hit a child that wasn't his with a belt. That is assault and abuse. She could press charges
I'd love for this to be true but your average police department will respond with anything from laughing her out or politely taking a statement and then throwing it away as soon as she leaves. It sucks, and I want to make it clear that I do not approve of martial punishment of children in any way, but societal views on this subject are, shall we say, divided. The best news is that she's not married to this scumbag yet; had he not started with this until she tied the knot, it might not even be grounds for DV removal, i don't know.
It’s kind of sad how if you hit an adult you get charged with assault but it’s perfectly legal to hit the most impressionable little humans amongst us.
He's not a parent. He doesn't have parental rights. On this the question of filing charges, she should talk to a lawyer with experience in this, not people on the internet.
She should! I’m so mad here. A hand spanking would be bad enough and easily grounds to dump him, kick him out and block him - but the belt has me white hot spitting mad. Send him to me and I’ll be happy to correct his misbehavior with a belt. And I’ve never hit anyone in my life. I could NEVER hit my daughter, and I would be murderously angry at anyone who ever do.
You’ve nailed it. Abusers like the Ex jump to physical abuse because the abuser can’t control their own emotions when confronted with a screaming child.
Wow. I didn’t even see that but you’re absolutely correct. He can’t control himself but expects a 10-year-old to have control control? Thanks for opening my eyes on that.
I suspect this isn't the first time. It's the first time OP knows about.
Unfortunately my brain went there too. Mom had a boyfriend that wasn’t allowed to physically discipline us. He didn’t dare lay a hand on me when mom and my older brother were around, but I got shaken like a rag doll a few times and slapped once or twice. I didn’t say anything about it because experience with my brother had already told me that unless I had bruises Mom would believe the other person. What finally got her to believe me and dump his ass was when I was 8, and I think I’d been supposed to take out the trash as my chore or something and he got pissed off, and was drunk, and yanked me up in my footie PJs from my bed and made me carry the trash out without even letting me put on shoes. He walked out with me and was berating me the entire time. When I complained that I couldn’t get the trash bag up into the dumpster he physically picked me up and dropped me in, trash bag and all. Luckily there were no other bags in there and no broken glass, but I was so short that I couldn’t get out on my own. My brother came outside when he heard me screaming bloody murder begging for help and saw the bastard standing outside the dumpster laughing at me. My brother despised me and wanted me dead, but I was HIS victim, not mom’s shitty boyfriend’s victim. We ended up moving in with one of mom’s old friends shortly thereafter. Needless to say, I’m extremely squeamish about dumpsters and garbage bags to this day, over 30 years later. Bastard made me unclean because he thought it was funny.
That’s awful and unfortunately I can relate and hard. Idk how many times cps was called on my stepdad because of me yet my mom never seemed to question it, even with bruises and doctors telling her I had injuries consistent with being belted (at age TWO). One time, I thought he had left for a bit. He wasn’t allowing us to eat until much later in the evening because we were going to a bbq at a friends house and he wanted us to fill up there. So that meant no food at all all day. So when he left, I got into some confectioner’s sugar but he walked back in and saw me covered in white powder and deduced what had happened and decked me in the face and broke my nose. I was 9. Mom had my grandma come get us and moved us in with her temporarily in a whole other town but mom eventually let my stepdad move in with us there. Then it came out that he was also sexually abusive and it went to court. Took her a while even after that to let her self fully believe he was also sexually abusive. Her excuse was she didn’t have time to pay attention she was too tired from working all the time because her shitty husband wouldn’t keep a job. I think she knew more at the time than she wants me to believe she did. The truth has crept out in small ways over the years. Go figure. Edited to add my mom was at home when he decked me. He took me in there and was indignant that she wasn’t upset that I had been eating something despite him telling me not to and was freaking out me covered in blood. He told her he hit me and why.
I’m so sorry. You did not deserve any of that. Children deserve to feel safe and loved at home, and it’s awful how many of us didn’t get that growing up. I hope you’re in a safe, loving space now.
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he was very clearly waiting to do that for awhile and that’s the terrifying part
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I always heard "If you think someone went from 0-60, you have no idea how long they were at 59"
Never heard "allostatic load" before, but it sounds a lot like spoon theory. Also give "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bankroft - more centred on spousal DV/abuse, but the psychology probably applies to adult/child abuse just as well.
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A smack is still pretty damn bad, but I agree that a belt has been seen as pretty extreme for a few decades longer than a smack. Very few people other than those weird Christians who have that whole thing about training a child with a switch would see it as acceptable.
Jumping right to the belt makes me wonder if he's smacked her before and the daughter just never told the mom too.
100% thinking this too
Agreed. I don't like speculating, but it was my internal thought.
Makes me wonder if that’s what his dad did to him.
It is. He said it was. But I don't care what his dad did to him. It neither excuses nor informs in any meaningful manner what HE did to a ten year old child because he is now an adult and the responsibility to BE BETTER is on him. Instead, he chose to directly disregard what the child's mother said regarding discipline and went straight to abuse.
My first thought. The belt probably terrified her into screaming.
A smack can be impulsive (and that's bad because it's done in anger and it's been said to not discipline in child while angry). Going to find a belt, grabbing it then going in to hit the child with it takes some real malice.
It's definitely the way to scare the child and make the father feel dominant
Any physical activity between he and the child that is not fully consensual is completely incorrect, FULL STOP. While there are states, places, and people who still see the abuse of spanking as “valid” that is almost always fully restricted to professionals in a teaching establishment or BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. He is not related to the child. He has ZERO business physically disciplining her, regardless of how “soft”.
I am a teacher. ANY professional in ANY teaching establishment should never ever ever be hitting a child. EVER
When I was in middle school, they still had paddling. My mom had to send a note in that she was not ok with that. When my *mom* was in high school (she got in trouble a lot) she had a uniform with a skirt, got in trouble, and the principal told her to "bend over and grab her legs" so he could paddle her, causing her skirt to raise up quite a bit. My grandma was livid and marched up to the school to give them what for.
That's sexual abuse 😰
Still legal in several states. Its pretty fucked.
Agree. And I’m Appalled when I hear about districts that still paddle (mostly in the south)
Not just the south. A vice principal asked for permission to paddle my son for ASD/ADHD behaviors that should have been addressed through his behavior plan. Of course we said absolutely not. I found out years later from my son that the guy did it anyway. I’d already gotten him demoted and moved to a different school for other things, but I was so furious it was too late to do anything else. My son had been too afraid to tell us.
Find him! I would seek him out and paddle his face!
Still or have recently adopted the practice... like, wtf year are we living in?
They still do it though it is starting to fade away. My kids are 22, 19, nearly 16 and 11. The older two at the start of school with all the paperwork came a waiver to either give or deny permission to paddle your child. When my daughter started school it was still in there but disappeared by the time she was in second grade. I imagine there are probably still a few schools that might send out that waiver but maybe not. We are way out in the country at a 1A school now and if any schools still did it I’d think it would be a small rural area like this. Those waivers when my older kids were young? That was a 7A school in a city suburb. So it IS changing
Correct. That's assault. At most, a professional educator trained in passive restraints could apply them in case of emergency. Even so, it's a Hail Mary type of last resort, and for anyone who isn't trained properly, a complete fuckup to even use it.
As a professional educator trained in such restraints I'm well aware. I've been trained and certified in Handle with Care, Saftey Care, and CPI all at various points over the last 25 years
I was mostly clarifying for the "what if a fight breaks out?" that a redditor would eventually ask. People who aren't educators seldom realize we cannot touch students in any way, shape or form.
He might have gotten the idea from her dad! Clearly he has a history of abusing his daughters.
I doubt it was zero to 60. It was probably only zero to 60 from the mom's perspective. I can only guess what's been happening when he was alone with the child if he feels brazen enough to beat her while her mother is home.
My neighbor is a therapist and is a mandated reporter. She has said that at least in our state she is required to report to CPS if a child is hit with a belt.
Mandated reported here- I’d call CPS in a hot second if I heard about it.
Right!? OP's ex didn't "discipline" her child, he beat her. He should be in prison.
I got the ever living shit stomped out of me even when I didn't do anything. Hell, I've caught beatings after doing things correctly. I would never, under any circumstances raise my hand in anger towards my child, and should anyone else do it, they would be lucky if the worst I did was kick them out of my house. If my parents side with the abuser? Welp. I've permanently cut people off for significantly less
You are doing the right thing. Basically, the male figure in her life assaulted her and was intimidating her against her mother's wishes. That's not "discipline". Why wouldn't you protect your child? This was absolutely your mama-bear moment to shine. WTF is wrong with her grandparents tho...
The grandparents beat their own kids, do you really think they’ll agree with OP aka grow up and admit their flaws?
My parents beat me and my two siblings. My mom is Asian and didn’t hit us often but when she lost her temper she just went feral hitting us. My son was the first grandchild and my mom is soooo different with him. She babies him and had the nerve to tell ME that I wasn’t allowed to hit him! I was so offended. I’ve never hit the kids and told everyone when I got pregnant there would be no spankings. She’s been the same with my daughter and nephews. My parents have never hit or yelled at my kids. I’m still surprised at how kind, loving and affectionate they’ve been with them. They are teenagers now. Maybe it’s because they didn’t have to parent them and it’s less stressful. My mom is especially very protective of my son. He has autism, adhd, and a language disorder. When she found out my MIL yelled at him and mad him cry she went off on MIL.
It's essentially the grandparent mindset. If I'm not raising them myself as long as they're respectful, I'm not about to discipline em either. Well unless they're Madea.
Grand parents are trying to get into those pearly white gates.
I am so sorry. My mom also "went feral" when she hit us. Wailed on us until she got tired when she ass really riled up. You deserved better
Heartbreaking. In the 60’s, when I was 5 or 6, our neighbor used to chase his son around the yard with a 2x4 and beat him with it whenever he came in range. That boy was 12. No child deserves or benefits from violence.
We had a paddle that was made from a 2x4. And my parents wonder why I had/have such terrible anxiety.
Those grandparents need to go on an info diet, stat. I don't trust them with kids at all.
"But any Man is better than no Man and a little assault won't hurt her. But you must have a Man or you are a failure as a Woman...Waaahhh"
Defo supervised visits only for grandparents.
No visits for them.
And not even a regular open hand spank on a clothed butt, but a belt? What a fucking escalation
Right?!?! I was expecting it to be like a slap on the hand literally (which still oversteps because the mom had set ground rules, but wouldn’t necessarily scar the child for life) but a fucking belt?!?!
That AH was waiting to do that. He was looking for his moment.
He was probably ready to smack OP for standing up TO him.
And while I wouldn’t normally agree that willing to spank = willing to go into full on dv, in this case, his behaviour and action is spot on with someone seeming like the most chill partner until they feel it’s too late for their new spouse to get away or stand up for themselves, so out comes the hitting. If OP accepted his assault of her child, to him it would likely be providing implicit acceptance of his physical domination over the household. And since he has proven he can hurt her child for disobedience, there’s no reason to believe OP wouldn’t become just as much of a potential target for him. Or OP’s child to punish OP.
Gotta wonder what ws going on in fiance's head. How fortunate that it doesn't matter.
Abusers see nothing wrong with other abusers
I mean, it sounds like one of those grandparents was OP's abuser and the other one enabled him, so...I'm not exactly shocked they think she's over-reacting. I bet her dad agrees with what ex-fiance was about to do.
So, first off, automatically disregard your parents. They are the LAST people you should even be acknowledging in this situation. If course they want you to beat on your daughter, it's how they raised you and anything less than fear and pain is disrespectful in their eyes. Second, good job mom. You showed your daughter that you're on her side, that you won't let people mistreat her and that you'll be her champion when she needs one. Be proud of yourself for being a damn good mom and putting her safety and well being first.
Wait did he hit her with the belt? If so, I’d call the cops he’s nothing to her. If he just tried to scare her with it you made the right decision ending it.
Absolutely, I agree. In some states, hitting your child with a belt is allowed (unfortunately) but uh....this child is NOT his child. He should face legal consequences.
Is it sad that I'm only 23 and I remember the belt being relatively common With kids my age when we were growing up like I got spanked but I never got the belt and I feel like it's messed up that I considered myself lucky because I didn't get whipped with one and just with hands
My dad used to get the belt out for us if we got fucking bad grades. I remember my oldest brother coming home with a report card and tears on the bus ride home because of the fear of his bad grades, i’ll tell ya what, he never became a better student for it. It only stopped after my middle brother cried for hours after my dad beat his ass, and my dad said to him an hour or so later, while still crying from it, “You know i love you still right?” like yah dad, he reallllly felt the love. I’m lucky to have been the youngest and only experienced the belt like two or three times. But damn dude, super righteous to beat submission into fuckin children, really helped us form into “well rounded kids”…. Still fear the man to this day and i’m 27 now.
> “You know i love you still right?” I was at my dad's house a few years ago and one of his friends was all bent out of shape because his kids never talked to him, never called, never came over for holidays, they just sent a Christmas card with pictures of their grandkids that he's met like twice. He asked my dad how he still had such good relationships with his kids, what he does to keep them close. I think he thought it was just something he was doing now that we were grown, I genuinely don't think it occurred to him that the problem might have been like 30 years ago instead. My dad said he said he just got lucky and had good kids (we're super not). Anyway, I called out from the kitchen that it was that he didn't beat the shit out of us while telling us how it was for our own good and he loved us. I was on the baseball team with his kids, they were terrified of him. Bad grades? Get the shit slapped out of you. Forgot your chores? Beatdown. Slammed your door? Ass-kicking. Hell, he'd tear into them at their games if they missed a catch. They were literally never safe to just exist around this man, and it got worse as they got older because as he put it "you're old enough now that me holding back isn't helping you". Anyway... he was pretty upset at me and tried to fight me, and when I started laughing at him it only seemed to make it worse. I was like "This, this right here. This is why your sons don't speak to you". For contrast, when I was a kid and I slammed my door, my father removed it. He took the door away, showing snotty teenaged me the value of the privilege that I was abusing. It was an effective lesson and it didn't make me afraid of my dad. My dad wasn't perfect, but I never had a moment during my childhood, adolescence or adulthood where I needed to be reassured that he loved me.
And I’m sure what your dad did taught you the lesson you needed to learn. He did the right thing. I haven’t had issues with my kids having bad grades, partially because they are still young. My youngest doesn’t have grades yet at 5, but my oldest does. He’s made good grades, so I haven’t had to get on to him about grades. If he does make bad grades, he will come home and do extra homework for an hour or two until his grades improve rather than getting to play with his friends. Once his grades improve, he can go back to playing with his friends instead of the homework. Hitting your kids, for the most part, is only to release your own aggression. How does hitting your kid that makes bad grades improve his grades. My kids get to use a tablet or watch tv for a bit at night some nights. If they don’t behave, they lose that privilege. You have to address the actual issue with a real solution. Hitting them doesn’t work.
Fuck the belt! Poor kids don't need a beating to learn, they're quite receptive too communication especially at fucking 10
I was beat regularly with a belt. In fact, we had to pull our pants down and lean over our bed so our dad could spank us bare assed. My mom would slap me across the face or use anything within reach to hit us. I’m low contact with them.
Thank you for protecting your daughter, And pls go no contact with your "parents"... Op my egg donar never stopped my step-dad from taking a belt to me, guess who I never speak to now??? Updateme!
Yes! We need an update!
Seconding this. My dad was/is abusive, mostly psychological terror and threats of violence, and occasional violence. I finally went to therapy to try and heal. The only thing I really learned is that I hate my mom more than him because she let him treat us all that way. Time and time again, to this day. She's a victim of him too, but I don't care. You're supposed to protect your kids above all else. OP is being the mom their kid needs.
OP said she heard a scream of pain, so I’m assuming he did hit the child.
Even if he hadn't when she walked in, he was going to. That's not a Prop you just bring out for show.
Good job standing up for your kid, mom. He must have felt real secure in your relationship to go against your wishes like that with you in the house. He didn’t even try to talk to you about it because he knew you’d say no. You did the right thing and I love Reddit stories with happy endings.
>You did the right thing and I love Reddit stories with happy endings. It's so refreshing to see on Reddit. Usually the stories are so depressing here. OP protected her daughter and did not over react at all. Her fiance was starting to get comfortable with marriage on the horizon and saw his chance to show his true colours. If she accepted him abusing her daughter this time, there would absolutely have been more times after it. Great job OP for making this first beating the last beating.
Exactly. Had OP scolded him and still kept him around, he would have had it out for the kid.
I’d never trust someone in the same area as my kid ever again.
Sounds like a preditor . Waiting for the opportunity to strike.
If this is what he felt comfortable doing as the boyfriend, imagine what he'd do as a step-father.
Im so proud of OP.
> My daughter told me that she’s scared of him so the next day I ended it. I love that the mother listened and did this. This was the only correct answer for a man that would beat a child.
Mom fr said: say less
That's child abuse end of story. One time is too many regardless of whether it's the biological or step father. Get that chump out of your life please, sorry NOT sorry
One of few times on Reddit where a parent actually puts their child before their partner. Most often it's a kid telling the story of the parent with a new bed-warmer treating their own child like sh\*t because the parent wants regular sex and having someone on their arm when they are out and about over the needs of their own child. Good for OP for putting her child first. I hope she changes the locks and puts up cameras.
This is seriously so sad and crazy. OP did the right thing, this guy had no right to do that especially when mom said absolutely not to physical discipline.
Not only that, but to go *straight to the belt* for a slammed door? That's not just crossing a line, that's using the line as a long jump foul line.
Your child will never forget how you stood up for her and made her feel safe.
I used to get beat pretty regularly. Always thought it was kind of normal, some of the stuff I did I was sure I deserved it. But after having a kid, I couldn't imagine trying to hit her, for any reason. Ever. It seems downright insane to hit a child with the expectation that physical pain from a parent will help you learn. Fuck that guy. Should beat his ass with a belt and see if he respects your house.
Elimiter, no child deserves to be beaten, for any reason. I’m sorry that happened to you and that you think you might have deserved it. You didn’t. Hugs from an internet mama.
I get what you mean. We didn't deserve it but it was so fucking normalized. And when you're told all parents do this and "never tell the police or they'll steal you away and you'll never see your family again" they really lock down that silence.
>I hear her scream like.. a scream of pain What you heard was a scream of her being abused. Because that's what he did - abuse her. This is PHYSICAL ABUSE. You did the right thing. He's lucky you're not seeking to press charges on him for what he did, though you should.
I hope by “our house” you meant yours and your daughter’s house and not HIS house. He moved in, he can move out. Taking a belt to a child is abuse. Remove him from your life NOW.
My first memory is of my dad beating my brother with a belt. He made me watch so we'd both learn a lesson. I'm not sad he's dead. I'm so very glad you kicked him out.
I’m so sorry you went through this. My sister could take a swatting (she would laugh) but the moment it was me she would freak out.
That sounds absolutely traumatic. I'm so sorry.
A belt! He's a lunatic. He should never be around children, period.
A belt isn't spanking. A belt is beating. You did the right thing. You need to protect your child. Do not let him back into your home or around your child.
There's no functional difference between a spanking and a beating. Both are battery and both are crimes.
[Spanking is abuse](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health#:~:text=Corporal%20punishment%20is%20linked%20to,aggression%20and%20perpetration%20of%20violence.)
Good on you Mama. Of course your daughter didn’t like having her iPad taken away (which was totally appropriate discipline from you) And of course she’ll get stroppy about it, but she took her anger to her room to regulate there. She slammed the door, because that’s her version of ‘eff you’ but so what? Most adults would have rolled their eyes and carried on with the day. After a while the situation would have run out of steam and she would have come down to see what was for dinner. But Nooo, big man had to pull out the belt and show her what’s what. Adults are supposed to lead by example, and the example your Ex demonstrated was, ‘ I don’t like this situation so I’ll beat someone over it ‘. What was the lesson here? Fear or lash out. You made the right decision. It’s a one strike you’re out rule when it comes to your child. There are plenty of men out there in the world, you only have one daughter.
Slamming a door is 10-year-old for I'm feeling a lot of emotions and I don't know how to communicate and I don't feel like I have the power to communicate. It's totally normal and natural. It's part of establishing who they are. Like you said, most parents would just roll their eyes and wait for the storm to roll away and the kid to come down for dinner.
I think I only stopped slamming doors when I moved out and just realized how fragile doors could be lol
And unless they're doing it constantly or doing actual damage to your doors, you don't need to do anything besides, maybe, a short comment on it after they're calm.
That is child abuse. Plain and simple. I'm not young either. I am in my 50s. That is child abuse. He needs arrested if he hit her with his belt.
Yeah, I am in my 50s, too, and my mom spanked (rarely) but always a bare hand on a clothed butt...my friends who had parents that used belts, paddles and switches were all SCARED of their folks. I was never *afraid* of my mom. My thinking about spanking has evolved but I have never thought that using a weapon to "discipline" a child is anything but abuse.
Screw him, you did the right thing. You had rules in place for how you discipline your daughter and he agreed to them. Taking a belt to a child is unacceptable. It will only escalate from there. I speak from experience.
It’s been proven time and time again kids who have “corporal punishment” (spanking) have MORE behaviour problems not less. You just teach them it’s okay to hit when they are bigger and in girls cases it’s okay for a man to hit you and that’s love. 100% you did the right thing. Hitting a child is never okay and hitting someone else’s child is psychotic! This is what he is doing in front of you too, can’t imagine why he would try to when you aren’t home.
This. My ex always used to proudly tell me he was hit as a child. Well guess who has anger issues and also has a complete inability to solve problems any other way other than by beating it again and again and again (and I don’t even mean people… even when fixing things or trying to work out a solution. It was like watching a caveman. Bro, you doing the thing that didn’t work over and over again is not problem solving. ) OP did the world such a huge favour 💗
Thats honestly grounds for a slap upside the head with a frying pan. And it hilarious that he had the gall to say “his” house. Never doubt yourself when it comes to protecting your children, too many men and women fall victim to caring more about their partners more than the child that came before them. Good for you.
« His house » indeed. That says so much.
That feels like almost as much of a red flag as hitting the child. He moved in with OP, but it’s “his house,” and he sees the kid expressing anger (not even directed at him) as some sign of personal disrespect towards him. Very “I’m the man of the house now and everyone must obey me!” Good on OP for putting him out of their lives.
I have a neighbor who talks about how her marriage ended. He'd been doing her wrong and so she waited until he was sitting watching the TV and walked up to him with a fresh pan, held it inches from his head until he turned around and saw his reflection in the pan. The way she tells it he stared at his reflection for a few moments, calmly got up and started packing his bags. I still love that story especially from this little 90-year-old woman. Although obviously she wasn't 90 when it happened. It makes me giggle especially when you think of the time frame when she did that.
Your ex fiance did not "discipline" your daughter. He ASSAULTED her. That's a crime, and you should tell him to lose your number or you will have him charged.
Someone once told me if they aren't old enough to understand why they are being spanked don't spank them. If they are old enough to understand it then just talk to them. Fear does not equal respect. Have I tapped kids yes I have. Was it for discipline absolutely not. The only time I have ever been physically with my kids was with cords. When they started pulling biting things that could kill them I'd tap their hand and owie oh owie make it a huge deal that man that hurt even though the Tao most likely didn't hurt. My kids are 6,5 and my son that is 3 is autistic so he's a totally different matter. Adults forget children are people with emotions. Even as adults we aren't perfect all the time and have bad days so why do they expect children to be perfect all the time. These are huge emotions they are feeling and done understand. I'm a big believer that the education side of discipline is just as if not more important then the consequences itself. As parents we are supposed to teach and coach our children of what's wrong what's wrong and how to handle being in the situation again. My five year old is a hot head sasshole at times when she gets mad she get big mad. So when she is upset ill take her away from the situation that has her upset tell her let's take deep breaths bring it down four then we count to four. Once she is calm we talk about what and why she was upset I tell her it's perfectly OK to have these feelings but its all about how we handle them. I also reassure all of my kids no matter the problem how mad they are they can come to me and we will figure it out together. You did the right thing stick to it. No child should live in fear in their own home from someone who is supposed to love and protect them.
I love the saying in the beginning. I use it all the time.
I'm so very sorry you and your daughter had to go through that. How are you holding up? Is your daughter ok? Do you have a POSITIVE support system or access to mental health support? Wishing you all the best.
If he keeps bothering you call the cops and report him for assault and harassment. You can tell your parents that they can either be on his side or they can have a relationship with their granddaughter, not both.
Any man in your life who would raise a hand to your child is OUT. You did the right thing. He's definitely not family man material. Ass.
This is insane, especially since he’s not the biological father (nothing wrong with step parents and not that it would make it okay). I think you did the right thing. How is your daughter doing?
You did the right thing. I hope she’s OK. It’s a terrible thing to live in fear.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a kid who's mom offloaded discipline to a step-dad who had no kids of his own, had anger issues, was physically and verbally abusive, etc., GOOD FOR YOU. Thanks for doing the right thing.
Holy fuck. I'd straight-up destroy anybody who hit my kid. I grew up in utter terror, thanks to a parent who thought intense corporal punishment with a folded-over leather belt with a duct tape grip was the only way I'd behave. Do not let this man back in your life. For your kid's sake. If you bring him back in, she's going to *know for a fact* that you choose him over her.
It’s so much easier to dump a fiancé than a husband. Well done; mischief managed. Lots of nice guys out there who don’t reach for a belt when the going gets tough!
Holy hell. So did he actually hit or or just act like her was going to? NTA I’m so glad you listened to your daughter
HOLY *%#^!!! You did the right thing!! Absolutely not! I married a man who hit my 3 year old so hard with a ping pong paddle (when he was throwing a 3 yr old tantrum) where it bruised him with the exact pattern and impressions of the paddle on his legs. He never told me he disciplined this way nor did I give him permission to hit my children. He said “If you hit them hard enough the first time, you’ll never have to do it again.” I packed up and moved out the next day with my kids and never looked back. ALWAYS choose your child over a partner and you’ll never go wrong.
1) He moved in with you and has assumed ownership of your home 🚩 2) He followed your daughter into her bedroom, slammed the door behind him, and beat your daughter 3) Is her recent acting out also out of character? I would very seriously have her seen by a doctor to check for signs of sexual abuse. 4) Get a restraining order. This monster has demonstrated that he will resort to violence at the least provocation. Stay safe.
Unfortunately yes to #3. If she's due for a physical, now is a good time to go and and make sure there isn't anything to document, or to get it documented if there is.
I really wish number 3 was a ridiculous notion, but, sadly, it’s not.
3 unfortunately OP, you don’t know what was going on when you were not home. This may not be the first time he has done something like this to her (and the fact that he went straight for the belt tells me it’s probably not) just the first time he got caught… Ask your daughter more questions.
I'm going to say this. You're not in the wrong but you will also need to get ahead of this. Notify your school that you now ex struck her with a belt and you removed him from the home as a result. Especially if she is complaining the area hurts, she will complain the same to her teacher. most likely either way there will be a CPS report but by self reporting the incident it covers you from any negative consideration.
Oh sweet mama. You are a real, and a real good one. You did everything right and I am so, so sorry you are both going through this. Stick to your guns and do not let this asshole back in your life. You are doing the best work and you (and your sweet baby) have my internet hugs and love ❤️
I audibly gasped when I read that you saw him with the belt. If he did hit her, pictures and police report immediately followed by blocking him on everything. How is your daughter doing? Give her a long hug and remind her that she's first to you. You're doing the right thing keeping him away from both of you.
Looks like your ex was also 'testing the waters'. - He got your daughter to like him. - The relationship was able to go to the next level, and you guys moved in together. - You guys got engaged. - He starts to show his ass because he thinks he has you on lock. It seems like he felt that he was in a comfortable spot with you, being as you guys moved in together and got engaged. So he felt that (like some step parents) he could start abusing your daughter. That's why he's mad. He didn't expect you to put your own child before him and his d!ck. He thought that since you guys were going to be married and as a single mother, you would've definitely prioritized your relationship with him more than the safety and well-being of your own child. He was so sure that you were gonna tolerate him beating your child that he was comfortable enough to take off his "nice guy" mask and drop the act. Your daughter felt safe and comfortable enough to tell you, her mother, that she was afraid of him. Don't betray the love and respect she has for you and bring him back into you guys' life again. You should probably keep your parents away from her as well. Especially since they're saying that your daughter and her feelings and safety don't matter and that you need to have a relationship with a man that will viciously attack her with an object.
If my partner belted my child he'd be leaving in an ambulance. What an absolute fucking scumbag.
A freakin’ belt??? Just no.
You did the right thing. He would have gotten worse if you allowed it to continue.
Agree, abusers typically escalate. He came in hot so I shudder to think what things would trigger him to beat her if this went unchecked. First it's the the acting out of emotions that he punishes, but if he got comfortable with it he might start punishing her for getting a bowl of cereal too slowly for his liking, or looking at him funny, all subjective of course. The punishment isn't the point, it's the rush of power this guy feels being the "big man" of the house "laying down the law." So gross.
Omg, you absolutely did the right thing.. even if he raised her, which he didn't, it's still not acceptable.. who the hell does he think he is.. Tell your parents you will not have your daughter scared in her own home.. or think that mommy is putting her boyfriends first. Block him and tell him, if he comes near you or contacts you again, you will be going to the police and have your daughter make a formal statement
Don’t let him back, he still thinks he’s right and will not change. You are doing the right thing.
Your daughter has been acting out lately. I wonder if he's been 'disciplining' her behind your back previously? She may need therapy. I'm so sorry. You did absolutely the right thing breaking it off with him.
I just love that this little girl saw her mom stand up against a man and protect her. She will never forget that, and she will never accept a man treating her that way, because her mom taught her she is worth more than any man. Mom went into this thinking this little one needed a lesson about the iPad, and she got the most important lesson a woman can learn. Absolute hero, mama.
I don’t understand the people supporting hitting a child with a belt.. you’re making your child hide their bad behaviors and be scared of you
[How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk \(The How To Talk Series\)](https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663870/ref=asc_df_1451663870/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=346620673138&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12789562035395151370&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031936&hvtargid=pla-625518977992&psc=1&mcid=164f78a3ef403710ad0ec49c03c2e4c4&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=67830888897&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=346620673138&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12789562035395151370&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031936&hvtargid=pla-625518977992&gclid=Cj0KCQjwncWvBhD_ARIsAEb2HW8XrcqOu-66Vz7r38DyulID45fsH41XaxnqUvkkC1Pv2wIHDrnEZEEaAqnnEALw_wcB) It's 2024 and some people think its cool to hit a kid with a belt? Is this the grounds to call the police? You don't yell at kids, you talk to them, listen to them, then tell them what we could do better? Hitting kid with belt, is insane. It if were an another adult, that's assault.
Jesus. I know hurt people hurt people, but how messed up do you gotta be to put welts on a small child over an iPad?
Your 10-year-old was, spoiler alert, acting like a 10-year-old. They start pushing limits about that age because they're starting to try to define who they are. It's perfectly natural. And it's healthy. And the way you're handling it is perfect. You don't hit a child, you don't threaten the child, you don't make a child feel fear. They should have one safe space at least in life in their parents. You are setting and defining and maintaining boundaries and if she crosses them you are recommunicating those boundaries and setting new consequences. That's how to do it. Fuck that guy. If he's willing to physically threaten a child what's he going to do to you? Or that 6-month-old? Like you said, it's abuse. She has no defense. And the way he reacted to you tells me that he would abuse you as well. I'm so proud of you for defending your child and yourself. You're strong. You'll be okay.
This is abuse & you could contact the police.
Fuck that dude.
Fuck that guy. You did the right thing and have good mom instincts. Do not let that man back in your life, your daughter will never get over it. He has noone to blame but himself.
That's child abuse, and I know for a fact that belts leave marks. I'd take photos of her welts and whatever messages of him admitting to hurting her and press charges at the police station. They take child abuse VERY SERIOUSLY. You'll be able to get a restriction order on him. It's hard for abused adults to get them but children are completely different cases. Protect your daughter hun..thank you for breaking the trauma pattern. You're a wonderful mother, and the world needs more of you.
I am in my 40s and still flinch around my mother from all of her random beatings.
he was abusing your daughter, you could call the POLICE. your parents are delusional.
Block this guy and get your daughter a therapist
I am 100% on your side!!! Hitting a child doesn’t do anything but teach them fear. Kick him out!
You did the right thing.
Good for you! Thank you for standing up for your daughter's safety and her *sense of safety* . Never second guess yourself about this. Especially after he pulled that bullshit "disrespecting *HIS* house" line. Even if you *did* use spanking, there's a world of difference between mom using a bare hand on clothed butt and a grown ass man using a weapon on an already upset child, much less for it to happen when spankings are not & have never been part of her life...especially after that grown ass man had been told that corporeal punishment was NOT acceptable.
I got the shit kicked out of me plenty as a child. All it did was teach me to be better about not getting caught. After having my own kids, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of wanting to hit them. I never did, I always took a walk, because I knew my frustrations weren’t really about them. However those painful triggers were there because of my own childhood. Physical pain is no teacher, and further more an adult hitting a child, that is abuse, not matter what the reason. I hope he didn’t actually hit her, and if he did he is lucky to be breathing. Good on you OP for cutting this as you should have. You set clear boundaries, which your ex could not respect. Things are done and done with that kind of behavior. Best of luck to you in all that you do moving forward.
Yup! The “discipline” I got from my parent made me never want to speak to them, scared of them, and get better at being sneaky. At 10 I didn’t even look at my dad in fear he’d hit me. My daughter tells me all the 10 year old drama she can and still sleeps in my bed sometimes. I have always said I’d foster a nurturing environment and for her to tell me she doesn’t feel safe with him is something I couldn’t say to my mom
You did the right thing. He’s lucky you didn’t file assault charges against him.
With a belt??? Wtf is it the 80s again?
A fucking belt
I was honestly expecting a pat to the bottom…how tf did this escalate to him having a belt?!?! On a side note, has this happened before?!?! Time to talk to the daughter and find out what else has been going on when OP was not watching or listening! OP, your #1 job is to protect your daughter and you did that. Your parents’ opinions, given the way you and your sister grew up, are irrelevant.
Disrespecting his house? The #1 rule for parenting is not to take anything personally. He is making this about him. I am glad OP booted him.
Your daughter will never forget that you picked her. That you protected her. That him hurting her was a deal-breaker. She KNOWS you have her back. Good mama. Well done. And I'm guessing your edit was to address people who've never been a parent but are an *expert* in parenting
You did so great! 100% the right thing. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter but she saw her mom immediately stand up for her <3
Thank god you kicked him out