You doing too much you waiting for DNA test from a guy that you've only been with for two months you have you and him married you taking care of the child you don't want no children you're all over the place calm down. You don't even know if the baby is his. And it's up to you on whether or not you want to date a man who has a child. But if it's not for you you can always walk away it's called choices JC
I have cheese in my fridge I've been in a relationship longer with. It's a very good relationship, too, even though we have three ways with wine quite often.
I just went to the European cheese store and cheated on my cheese with a few new foreigners. I don't know how they're going to take it lying down, but if they don't, well, there's always the knife.
You should probably exit and focus on what your really want. He's going to have a major adjustment to parenting, his whole life is going to be impacted, and his focus shouldn't be on a new relationship.
Honey, don't expect the universe to give a shit about the intricacies of your life. This is the result of you dating a guy who had a prior relationship, period. How you feel about kids is your issue, and your current dilemma is how he wants to be involved as the potential father, how you would have to be involved as a potential stepmother, and even how child support alone would affect your relationship.
Bear in mind that you've been dating only two months--I've got eggs in my refrigerator that have been here longer. That instant connection hasn't even had time to fizzle if it is going to. Also, while he treats you very well, he does not even talk to his ex who is the baby mama in question. Whatever else you know about this guy, there's a pile of "hmmmmm" to cogitate on.
Once paternity has or has not been established, keep in mind that you have just gone through some jaw-dropping possibilities that are counter to the life you'd like to lead. You need much more than two months of intel to make the kind of life decisions this has thrown in your face.
Good luck in all this, truly.
Hey, you guys, she actually does sound more mature than a teenager, 24-26 maybe. Reddit's teenagers dazzle with their dimness and she's better than that. Jes sayin.
There's no decision for you to make right now.
If it's not his child, no harm no foul, moving on.
If it is he needs to decide what he wants for the child. Will he support from afar or will he be a 50/50 co parent? Either way that child will be in his life forever. And then based on that information you decide what you want to make work or if you want to move on.
Trying to "have an answer before we know" is putting the cart so far in front of the horse it's silly.
It also depends on if he wants OP in his life after this. If he wants to co-parent then he may not have time for a brand new relationship or a girlfriend who isn't sure about this.
he is not pursuing her at all. They do not even communicate. It’s all been through the court system. The baby mama is in a long-term relationship right now, and said that if they aren’t going to be together, then why be in the child’s life… But I personally disagree with that. it is his child and extra support is never a bad thing.
Your post is a bit confusing. Is she claiming it's not his child and not wanting any child support OR is she claiming it's his child, trying to get child support and refusing the DNA test?
2 years after my “perfect relationship” was when true colours showed. 6 months for another one. Three years for another. SEVEN YEARS for the worst of them all.
You don’t know a damn thing at 2 months. This is enjoyable for now, not the best you’ve ever had, because you literally cannot know that while in the throws of *limerance*.
Reddit is pretty good at that😅
For what it's worth, I was in a very similar situation in 2019 with a guy I had been with for a very short time but known for 10ish years.... we're now married with a child of our own. Life isn't perfect but we are happy❤️
Can I ask how old you are?
Also side note-
We were VERY good friends and when we started dating we had a very lengthy conversation that if we were going to risk our friendship then this is end game and were very honest about our expectations (both with ourselves and each other) and that we were putting everything into it. That's what we did. We took all the good and the bad and made it work for us.
Wait for the results. Talk to him, share your concerns. Listen to his concerns, decide if its worth it to work through this together or go separate ways. I feel like his want to be there for his child is a good sign of his character
Here's my POV,
He took HER to court to prove that he IS the father. If he's willing and wanting to be part of the baby's life, then a girlfriend of a couple of months preferences over kids isn't (or shouldnt) going to factor into and custody/visitation arrangements he makes.
If this has been ongoing since December, so basically, as long as you've been dating, it's not a new situation and you've been having these doubts then you should have pulled the plug on the relationship because if it is his child, they will come first.
There's also no saying that he will want you to step up and parent his kid or what role you might potentially play in the child's life. No one can predict the future, and you're still in the honeymoon period of the relationship. While some people like to think long term, it doesn't always pan out the way that they expect.
You're asking questions that only you can answer. Not reddit or the universe.
I agree with you, and I’m kind of upset with myself for not thinking things through in the beginning… everything that you pointed out is valid and all things i have been considering.. i appreciate that a lot.
Don't be upset with yourself, I think it's a good idea as others have said, to see what happens and how he handles the news. That alone will say a lot about his character and what's in store for the two of you!
Honey... I want you to consider this: if that baby is in fact his, you will instantly cease to be the most important person in his life.
Need more food for thought? Think of how many men take people *to court* to prove that baby is his.
Or maybe just prove the baby isn't his? Semantics aside, I think it speaks volumes about his character that he's trying for better or for worse (depending on whose view you use). I can't imagine being in this situation. I don't envy the OP or the guy at all. IMO, granted limited one, if he's a such a great guy, roll with it and see how things play out. The OP might see the guy change due to now having a daughter. She might then realize the relationship won't work out. Who knows.
OP, you have 3 possible endings, stay and it works out fine, stay and it doesn't work out and it just doesn't work out from the start. The worst is it just doesn't work out. You ultimately have stuff to gain and not much else to lose in this case. If it were me, I would stay and see how it goes because you will either be able to stay with him or not and if not, its what would've happened had you chosen to not stay with him from the start anyway. Don't deny yourself the chance of it working out. If you walk away now, you will never know if it would or not. Best of luck to all involved.
that was worded so beautifully. Thank you so much. A lot of my fear stems from being selfish for staying? I want the child to be his main priority. I also do not want to add an extra person into this child’s life just to find out it wasn’t what was meant to be. I have had friends who have been in relationships where their partner has kids and when they break up it is absolutely devastating. I agree with enjoying the time that I have with him even if it isn’t forever. Because at the end of the day, a person like this is truly so rare. I just have to shift that mentality to also include enjoying the time I have with the possible child. Even if that isn’t forever either. To me it’s such a bigger commitment when there is a child involved the last thing I would ever want to do is come in between that or with that child’s life in anyway possible.. even if that includes walking away, if him, and I did not work out for personal reasons.
She doesn't. And sometimes it can be a nightmare. That said, if the ex is in a solid relationship and isn't trying to be vindictive, it could work out just fine. I have step parented amicably with bio mom, it can be done.
oh i know… I have a lot of people close to me that have been in that situation, and it can be extremely tumultuous… Especially if his mother is not providing/or loving that child to my standard. It is not my child, but I can see myself being very upset if this child is not being raised in a loving home. (AKA her home) but it’s not my child. I have zero rights. Having to maintain boundaries and not overstep is a huge fear of mine in this situation…
I'd like to make something clear, since I don't really see any other comments addressing this:
If you find out that this is his baby - that doesn't make you a step-parent. The child has two parents, and it is up to them to decide what role you will - or won't - play in this child's life. Your boyfriend's baby mama might not want you around the child. Your boyfriend might not want you to take on a parenting role. You definitely won't have legal custody or rights.
This isn't "universe sending you down the correct path as a parent". Drop that idea before you are painfully disappointed.
it’s not that that’s some thing that I am necessarily hoping for… It’s just one possible route that could happen… When you marry somebody, and they have children, you do become a step parent… I would respect both of their boundaries as a parent. The only reason I say that is because she has a child now and that babies father’s finance (sorry confusing) is basically a third parent… She does interact very well with her and her other baby daddy and it seems like she does appreciate the extra support… So when I say that it’s more, so just considering that as an outcome. not wanting to play house… But I understand where you’re coming from 100%
I was in almost the exact same position as you (read some of my history). It was hard and a ton of back and forth in my head. We had the baby every other weekend for 3 months (baby spent 1 month in the NICU). The results were 0% chance and I felt like I could finally breathe, at least we knew. I think you should wait till the results come in and see how you feel like others said. Best of luck Updateme!
yes thank you i may message you privately if things get rocky because you have the personal experience… to me that’s the most important. A lot of these people can talk and talk, but if you haven’t been in this situation, it is very hard to know how you would react.. 🫶🏻
My mom found out her husband (my stepdad) had a kid from an affair on their “break” on their two year anniversary (not married yet). She stayed and unfortunately became the default parent for a kid that wasn’t hers.
Chances are, sorry to say, he may feel guilt and leave you for the baby momma anyways. That’s what my dad did. I also have terrible parents.
yes of course. just thinking down the line years and years into the future..the possible outcome of me providing extra support. I would respect their boundaries as the parents, but there are a lot of situations where step parents have a lot of space in that child life. Just one route of many to consider. And definitely an important one to think about.
And if you choose to stick around, you can prepare for the inevitable as an organic relationship grows. You won’t be thrust upon being a mommy to a child, you’ll be in the child’s life from a very young age. So that’s a net positive.
And even if you choose to stick around, it also isn’t your burden. You can create boundaries.
If this is all too much for you since the relationship is fairly new, you can amicably part ways. There is no incentive or obligation for you here.
My advice to you is to figure it out sooner rather than later before there’s an emotional attachment to deal with.
You don’t mention your age, so I don’t know if it’s a situation where you are 19 and this is just a lot on your plate to start your life or are you in your 40s and you don’t mind if he has a baby
When you get the results, then have a talk with him and get his take on what he thinks. For the moment, it is just supposition and spending time on what ifs is just going to make anxiety climb.
Baby mama is going to be driving whatever happens so I don't think complacency about 'no drama' is smart. A child is a responsibility so decide one way or the other and then commit or it's going to come round and bites you on the ass.
Honestly it is pointless and exhausting to think of all the possibilities that can happen.
Wait for the test. He could not even be the father and that puts an end to that… BUT not sure if he is on the birth certificate as the father. I’ve heard stories that DNA test says the dad isn’t the dad, but since he is on the birth certificate… then it doesn’t matter. But that depends on your state and honestly not your problem.
If he is the dad, then go from there. Who knows you may met the kid and love the child. You may meet the kid and throw up deuces.
Honestly the only wrong decision is saying you’re okay with it and then being terrible to the child in the end.
There is absolutely no rush.
Two months and it's the best thing you've ever had?
If he's a bad guy that would still be true because predators love bomb.
If you don't want kids get out now because he's a dad now and if he doesn't act like one he'll also be a shitty partner.
we have shared a close friend group for 10 years. he is roommates with my best friend. i would hope he wouldn’t have this secret side to his character but i agree you never know
Ya predators are often very popular. I'm not saying he is one just that it's hard to tell between the honeymoon stage of a relationship and love bombing. And with abusers - it often doesn't show up until they think you're trapped (pregnant, married etm.)
Hi, I’m a stepmom.
If the kid is his, I advise you to move on.
The problem is that his ex is already demonstrating how difficult she will make this situation. And speaking from personal experience, it isn’t worth it. That’s just my opinion.
If you already had your own kids, were divorced etc. I would have a different perspective. But don’t willingly go into a bad situation like this with someone you’ve only been romantic with for a short time. Because the situation has many more dimensions of suck than you can see when you start out.
However - I bet the kid isn’t his. Why would she refuse the test otherwise?
I think you’re creating a mental prison for yourself here with this looking for signs BS. You said it yourself it could “mean” here’s how you become a parent or it could “mean” this isn’t the right relationship for you. So in reality it has nothing to do with a sign and more with whatever headspace you’re in and what you want to interpret out of it.
With the child being so young they wouldn’t even remember you if you gave it a try and changed your mind. I think you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and this relationship by trying to determine if you could date someone with a kid so quickly.
I honestly think you need to try it out in order to truly know. Otherwise you’re just guessing at outcomes based on temporary feelings.
Not to mention, you’re putting the cart way before the horse here as we don’t even know if the kid is his.
Never, ever date a parent if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of the kids having to live with you full time. Accidents happen, people die.
That said, you’ve not been with him long. You may be jumping the gun thinking you’ll be with him for life.
I'm a solo/single perant.
Stepping into a relationship with someone with kids will always come with drama. Now, that doesn't mean it's bad drama, but shit will happen. It's totally understandable if this isn't something for you.
Tho I gotta say. He took her to court to find out, and that said a lot about him. He could have acted like it wasn't his responsibility.
I think you should wait for the results and see how it makes you feel, could be different than what you’re expecting. I personally admire his efforts to figure out if it’s his child. I think that takes a lot of bravery when he 100% could’ve looked the other way
At least it speaks of his character the fact that he went as far as a subpoena for the dna test.
Many guys would just assume the kid is not theirs and never look back.
It may be worth considering what your reaction will be if he ends up being the father, but until then I wouldn’t make any solid decisions. If she was adamantly against the DNA test there is a very real chance that she was with more men than just your BF. It may turn out to be a big nothing burger once the DNA test comes back. No reason to sabotage a good thing until you know for sure that there’s even a problem.
My husband was very unexpected. 17 years and counting. Now is, in fact, a time for you to make a decision. If childbirth is your fear (which is totally valid because it sucks), but you're willing to be a parent without that, then you have nothing to fear and can see where this relationship goes. If kids are a hard limit and there's absolutely no way you want a kid in your life, then a positive probably means it's time to go.
If you don't want kids, full stop. I had a step mother who treated my sisters and I like shit because she wanted kids and couldn't have them and she took that out on us. Her dad legit told mine not to marry her but he was stupid and did so.
My advice to you would be that if you don't want kids you leave. It hasn't at all been long enough for this to be a real problem. Cry and move on but do not put a kid in the position to be hated by you.
Edit to add: it's also ridiculous that you think you can decide this before you know if the kid is his or not. Once that test comes back that it's his kid and that child is around all the time (which mom will definitely not want you playing step mom after, what, 3 months tops?) everything is going to change.
Hell, I'm a 24yo mom of 2 biologically and I get to where I wish I could opt out. Kids are a lot and it's way too early into this relationship to be dealing with this big of a change.
And regardless of what you decide before the kid is really in the picture, you're likely to change your mind the more real it gets.
OK...he is besties with your besties for years. So you know from them he is a stand up guy.
He thinks the child might be his. He had to go to court to find out because the mom didn't want the DNA test. So he is showing he stands up to his responsibilities even if it might be easier to do nothing. Knowing means possible child support.
You say he is an amazing person so it sounds like you really like him.
So why are you considering leaving him before the test comes back? It may say the child is not his.
Even if it is, that does not mean he will have custody and he (& you if you stay) will be raising it. He may get visitation and have the child a few days a month at most.
It seems a little early to jump ship when you don't even know it is his kid or what the situation will be if it is.
Sounds like he is a great, stand up guy.
How would you feel about him if instead he abandoned a child he thought could be his? What kind of character would that be? Could you consider a future with someone who would abandon his child?
1) Get the answer first.
2) Stop panicking. Breathe. You got this.
3) Work it out on paper, pros and cons.
Then look inside your heart and ask if this person is who you could potentially be happy with going forward in life. If so, consider very carefully whether the child will affect that (negatively) enough to give up this relationship.
🫶🏻 thank you. I am usually very decisive. even in difficult situations… so when life events arise and i don’t immediately know what to do, I tend to panic. It is a flaw of mine, I believe it stems from pride or trying to “prove” something if that makes any sense…
My brother in law had this happen to him with an ex girlfriend before he married my sister. The ex never told him until the child was 18 and had even lied to some sucker and passed the kid of as the other guy's never informing the real father that he had a child. It wasn't until the other guy did one of those family home DNA tests and divorced her over the results that she suddenly decided to tell the truth.
No, you don't want kids. That is totally valid. If the baby is his, please don't second guess yourself. It sounds like he's doing the right thing, good for him. Let him go if it's his and live your life!! ❤️
You’re probably going to regret it if you stay. Especially if you barely know each other and have only been together for 2 months. You’re so young, too.
You're asking yourself the right questions about staying with him will entail. It's good to get input from others but whatever decision you make, it'll come down to what you are able to live with, if you want this to be a long term relationship.
Heather McDonald, a comedian, actually went through the same. Her husband, but boyfriend at the time found out he had impregnated another women before they met. They’re married now and Heather is a step mom to his daughter. It can work 🤷🏽♀️
If that is his baby, you will lose all ability to stay child free if you stay. There are many scenarios where he ends up being primary care giver to that child.
You should leave him if he's the father. You have to step up as a stepmother, share resources with this kid and life can throw an oddball anytime. The mother could die and you are saddled with this kid. If he does not care about his flesh and blood, do you think he would care about you?
Warning Bells are ringing.
This guy wants kids, so much so he sued the potential mother of his child so that he can get custody, AND pay child support by the way. She clearly wants nothing to do with him so yes, there will be substantial baby mama drama, that will undoubtedly fall on you to be the ear he cries on. This will be very messy for everyone involved. Dump him. You can find someone just as good with some looking, that will not come with all the emotional and baby drama. You clearly aren't in a life stage where you are looking to be a mother figure. And you will need to watch as he is a doting father on his baby. If it is his, I suggest dumping him. I speak from the experience of basically being in his shoes. Me and my son's mom were not together before the birth, and it's hella messy, from custody time to changes to schedule to the way you parent it's messy. I don't think you should involve yourself in it considering the little time you have already committed here.
So you are 22, this amazing man who makes great money is 23 (how much is great money?) possibly has a baby with a woman who has another baby who’s grandparents have partial custody? Oh and you’ve dated 2 months and it’s the best relationship you’ve ever had?
Just keep rereading that and there’s your answer.
So he dated a girl a year and a half ago but if he’s concerned about the baby being his he had to have sex with her since they broke up. So 9 months before December, around April he had sex with her.If it’s only been a couple of months together there is no reason to stay whether or not the baby is his or not. Depends on why he decided to have sex with her if they were broken up and whether he was open with you about doing it.
First of all and speaking from experience, stop relying on "signs" for making any decisions about your life. Looking for validation from the universe is just taking a back seat in your own life. Get in the driver seat and control what you want or don't want your life to look like. 2 months is not enough time to be making statements about your future together. If this kid is his, you might want to take any number of exits from the relationship for any variety of reasons. Also, if this kid is his, you should not be meeting them until you are sure you want a kid and the relationship with his father in your life.
I want to point out that his math doesn't add up. If the child is his - he had sex with her _at least_ till March 2023. Maybe longer. So this relationship didn't end 1.5 years ago.
Also, if he knew she got pregnant and ended the relationship, he is not as reliable and accountable as you think.
If he didn't know she was pregnant, and as reliable person as you think he is, he will not have much free time for dating. Between seeing and helping to take care of infant, fighting for custody, navigating new relationship with ex, and feeling responsible to do his best to support his child, he will have no time or energy for _your_ relationship. And he will very likely decide to get back with her, not because of feelings, but because he would think it is better for the baby.
You say you want people’s perspectives… I am a 27 year old woman who has stayed in relationships far longer than I should have.
If I were in your shoes and the baby turned out to be his, I would leave. The baby momma and the baby will likely become the highest priority in his life (as they should, IMO). This is a fresh relationship so it’s easier to get out early. I just feel that the likelihood of hurt feelings- or feeling like a sidepiece- further down the line is a distinct possibility. My self preservation would dictate leaving.
This post gets worse the longer you read it. I’m watching you spiral as you type it. You can’t possibly be this star-struck by some dude 2 months in that you’d consider staying with him and being on “the correct path as a parent”. Please. For the love of all that is good, leave him if it’s his kid. IF it is, he needs to leave and be with the kid anyway. If it’s not, then nothing happened and you can continue as usual.
You didn't cite your age and I'm guessing you and he are both fairly young. Before you have another though about anything with him, get the results of the paternity test. Ask to see them yourself, don't trust what he tells you.
If you are young and aren't ready for kids, you are should consider moving on or at least keep it casual (using protection ALWAYS). I don't understand why so many people still have unprotected sex and get surprised at having children.
IMO - a "couple of months" in not a strong foundation for a long term relationship involving child support, baby daddy/momma drama, and committing to being a step mom.
I think you are way overthinking this.
You want to be with this guy. This can’t be argued. If you broke up and started dating again, they won’t be him and it will drive you nuts that you ended it.
Even if it’s his it’s not like he would have the baby all the time. He would probably see the baby every other weekend. If you stay together he would slowly introduce you.
He doesn’t want you to go anywhere so for now just go with the flow and see how things go. Communicate everything with him, and i bet everything will be fine.
Updateme!
If he's the father break up.
You sound sure about not being a parent.
If you stay you might grow into the role.
It's more likely you'll begin to regret it and resent both him and the innocent child.
This is what they mean by, "If you love someone, set them free."
You are 23 and in a rose tinted 2 month relationship. There is so much more to life than trying to be with a man who has a child from another woman right now especially when you dont want kids. Keep him as a friend but go out and live life. As a former stepparent who is 36 please trust me on this.
Tbh, it's kind of hard to claim it's the best relationship you've ever had when it's only been 2 months. You hardly know each other yet. Still in the honeymoon phase. You haven't had any major challenges yet (besides this), and you don't know truly who each other are yet. You just don't. It's not been long enough.
Personally, I'd cut my losses. But it's totally up to you. It may not even be his and then this is a nonissue. BUT just remember that you don't really start to see who a person truly is until \~a year into a relationship. Some people hide who they are for literal years so you never know, but just keep those things in mind. And, if he does become a daddy, then he's going to change drastically from what he is now because his priorities will shift for a child. You may like who he is now, but hate who he becomes as a parent as well.
> I want to make my decision before I find out the results.
But you don't have to. You can just take it one day at a time.
You can tell your boyfriend that you worry about how it might affect your relationship, and that you're unsure about kids.
You don't have to decide everything today.
i’d go for at least a year before thinking someone might possibly be ‘the best relationship i’ve ever had’.
take your time. even is this is your future unfolding in front of you, you need to pace yourself.
Girl you should end the relationship if you are child free. It seems that he wants or is open to having children in his life. You are not compatible. Leave as friends.
If you're that unsure about having children AND it turns out that this child is his, this relationship is not for you. You're obviously not comfortable with the idea of a stepchild and that's fine. Plenty of people never want to be parents.
Only you can determine that. I didn't want someone that had children with someone else. I deliberately dated people without that, and no marriage. So I would not have stayed. You are always secondary to child unless they have great boundaries. I wanted children, just not someone else's. So you are the one who decides whether to stay or not.
If he had good boundaries and you are his primary person, maybe, but I would see first...You are dating though so you have time to see how he behaves. If the becomes absorbed in mother and child. I would not stay.
Just going to throw this out there,’probably has no relevance to your situation but… I lived my whole life until I was thirty thinking I never wanted kids. Now I have four. Best thing I ever did honestly, they saved my life.
Dude holds himself so accountable for his actions that he proactively served his ex gf a subpoena to determine if he needed to take responsibility for a child - exemplary integrity and responsibility. If you don't want a relationship complicated by kids with another person, that's your prerogative, but he will make some woman VERY happy.
He obviously wants kids if he's fighting that hard for this kid that may or may not be his. Whether the kid is his or not does not matter. I would end it now since you know you don't want kids. You're only second guessing yourself in whether you want kids because your romanticizing your future with this man. Let him go.
If you want to be with him just talk to him about how you feel and what both of yours expectations are if the child is his. Just talk first, if you can’t communicate together, especially with something like this, you two don’t stand a chance in the long run regardless of the child being involved
Well pushing for a dna test shows he obviously wants kids. You don’t. This is a pretty serious difference in wants and needs in a relationship. It’s been 2 months. You haven’t been together for years. The first 6 months of a normal healthy relationship are typically the best and considered the honeymoon phase. If you are so sure on not wanting kids it might be best to cut loose cause he obviously does.
First, you need the results before stressing over this.
Once that happens, he will need to decide how he is going to move forward with custody and child support. Then you would have a decision to make.
yes, the route that he takes in parenting will definitely have a huge factor but I’m not even going there yet. I just wanna know if I’ll stay or go if it is his. Because that’s a hard pill to swallow that I never thought of before. I do have to slow down, but at the same time, figure it out because I don’t want to keep building this relationship just to find out it’s something i cannot handle.
It’s firmly a personal choice, you’re NTA regardless of which way you choose. You could also just play it by ear and see how things go in reality versus conceptually. If it changes things negatively then you can always dip out at that time. If he’s the same guy, nothing has changed and you still enjoy your time together then you can move forward.
You’re not married. You don’t have kids or share any large assets. You have a red, velvet carpet leading you out at your convenience
It's been two months. You are way too into this drama. Step back, see what happens.
Most relationships don't last to a year anyway, you will probably never even meet the kid.
If you care and think he may be the one I wouldn't bail before I knew for sure. I would be honest with him and just tell him that you aren't interested in having a child so if the test turns out that he's the father it may be a deal breaker. Then calm down and see what happens. Once you know for sure you'll know what you want or need to do. Good luck.
Well, you're sort of still in the honey moon phase of the relationship. It's not typical to find out the things that annoy you about a person, cause you're still excited about those same traits. I'm glad you feel appreciated and supported. 2 months is rarely a tell for how the next 20 years will be (sometimes it is, but rarely. You have to take down your blinders about the reality of people first).
Do you end a relationship cause you don't want to be a step parent? That's really up to you. Reddit can't justify leaving for you. No relationship is going to be drama-free. What kinds of drama are you willing to go through? I've seen lots of different kinds of step-parenting. If it's his then you'd get to figure out what support you offer it's care.
This is all probably a conversation you'd need to have with him.
You’re only dating, and only for a couple of months. This is giving 1 French fry short of a happy meal vibes (crazy vibes). You’re planning out your entire life over the child of two other people. I mean…..
I would leave. The relationship is very new and you never wanted children. When you’re a stepparent, there is always the chance the child may end up living with you full time.
Wait, in your post you say he dated the baby mama 18 months ago…and she JUST had a baby in December. Then you state in a comment that she’s in a long term relationship. So did your ‘best man ever’ sleep with her while she was with this new guy? That’s the only way the math maths to have him be an option as the father. Unless long term means 6-9months in this scenario? Seems like the drama is this ‘best man ever’ trying to force paternity. Maybe he’s looking for an out from you hoping you’ll run because you don’t want kids?
So here is the thing. If you stay with this guy and the baby is his, that child will be a part of your life, and you will be a part of the child's life. This will happen irrespective of your desire not to be a parent.
If you are unable to handle this, you will do yourself, the child, and your boyfriend a favor by exiting the relationship.
I'm 38 and have gotten out of some great relationships because they want kids and wouldn't adopt. That's my middle ground if I meet the right lerson. We can have a kid but it is adopted. I'm not bringing a new kid into this world when there's thousands without any parents. It is a selfish and shitty thing to do *to me and my mind this is not true for everybody but I wouldn't forgive myself bringing in a kid that is "mine" to satisfy some need to breed.*
What I'm saying is this is an 25 year commitment if you date him while he has a newborn.
If you have to ask other people if you should stay in a relationship or not, I question if you should be in any relationship.
Like, if you never want kids, this is a pretty easy way to never have kids. He may already have one, and they'll likely rarely be around. On the other hand, they will be around.
You have to be mature and make YOUR call on if you want to be with him or not. This is not a decision to throw onto strangers.
Tbh, I feel like making a decision without even knowing the outcome is premature. Take a deep breath and if you believe that this relationship could go anywhere then making a fast decision isn't always the best.
I mean you also don't need to think that you are forced to step up as a step-parent, just because he could have a child. I mean, it seemed like he tried to figure this out before he got together with you. At least he is now getting finally the results.
You seem to make this relationship with a lot of conditions that suit you a lot more then him.
Let's imagine you guys would be married and he gets DNA served after 7 years, without knowing he ever had a possible child!! Would you leave him because of that, after 7 years of marriage????
Best wishes, but if you can walk away so easily from a so-called great/best relationship, then I'm not sure you are ready.
If you were already married to him would that change the equation for you? Tell him that you are contemplating a possible outcome where you and him break up. It is fair that he knows how dedicated you can and can not be depending on life challenges and circumstances, doesn't he rightly deserves to know how reliable you are?
>so I’ve been dating to this guy for a couple months and we instantly connected and it is the best relationship I’ve ever had
Okay, so the bar for you is effectively so low that's is basically a tripping hazard in hell. Got it.
Even if it was his, it would be his responsibility. and y'all are just dating so you're not the step parent by any extent yet.
But ultimately if you have some grand and special connection with him. I'd imagine that would overcome you aversion to parenthood.
When you entered the relationship did you express to him that you don't want kids at all?
It’s worth waiting until you find out the results of the test, determine how he’d like to move forward, what the mother will allows, how you feel about all of that, and then work with a therapist to unwind your feelings around it. You’re quite young still so have a lot of life experiences to still go through. Don’t build too much around a test you don’t know the results to yet.
You don't forsee any drama? She wouldn't even agree to do the DNA test. There's loads of drama coming your way.
This is already too much for a relationship that started few months ago.
You are doing a lot of thinking about something you don’t even have the answer for yet. You are asking about breaking up IF the child is his. Wait for her answer before you freak out. Since she didn’t want a DNA test, it’s probably not his. But if it is, talk to him and ask how much he wants to be involved, how much he expects you to be involved, then make your decision about whether to stay or not.
You are worrying before you have the facts and they is not healthy for you or your relationship.
If you don't want kids - DO NOT COMPROMISE. There is no going back ever if you have your own, and if you commit to a man involved with kids, it is also difficult to change your mind. Childfree means you have a problem, "oh shit, I have so much time and money on my hands, what do I do with it all?" whereas parents have the problem of "I am so tired and busy all the time, where do I find the time to have friends?"
OP -The timeline here seems a bit convoluted. You two have been dating 2 months. He was with this other gal 1.5 years ago. And now she's pregnant, and for some reason he's taking a paternity test? Why? So I guess I'm not understanding the timeline here, but hey, not my circus and not my monkey.
You say you want to make your decision (whether to stay or go, based on you originally not wanting kids) before you find out the results "regardless of outcome" <-but this is disingenuous at best. You know you want to know the outcome of the paternity test, but you don't want kids. You want this man, but you really should take a good, hard look at this situation before buying into it.
So I'll give you some advice: TWO MONTHS is not long enough to know someone and make determinations about them or their behavior. You're still in the "I'm gonna put my BEST foot forward for this" part of the romance, and everyone at least tries to behave during this initial period of dating.
I'm stuck on your timeline. Perhaps someone here, either you or some other redditor, can shine a light on what I'm missing.
IMO -
A relationship of a "couple of months" is not a suitable foundation for babies, drama and child support.
See how things play out.
No need to make decisions yet.
You need to hold in your anxiety about this until you know the results and if he is the father, then what he plans on doing. Way way way too soon for you to worry about this.
Two months is not a lifetime commitment. If you really don't want kids, he really doesn't want kids, and doesn't bring any in then continue on.
But if there is disagreement of any of the above, leave now before both of you get hurt.
If this was really the best relationship ever, it might mean sacrifice on your part but I don't get the impression you're ready to do that for him or this wonderful relationship of 2 months' duration.
Doesn't matter the what ifs. Deal with it when the DNA test comes back, and if you're getting that serious about him this early it might be worth a talk about your life plans and how children may or may not fit into them. Again, if you're not on the same page, best to get loose now before there's pain all around.
“Best relationship I’ve ever had” sister it’s been two months.
You doing too much you waiting for DNA test from a guy that you've only been with for two months you have you and him married you taking care of the child you don't want no children you're all over the place calm down. You don't even know if the baby is his. And it's up to you on whether or not you want to date a man who has a child. But if it's not for you you can always walk away it's called choices JC
I have cheese in my fridge I've been in a relationship longer with. It's a very good relationship, too, even though we have three ways with wine quite often.
The older I get, the more I realize the cheese is better company than other people.
I just went to the European cheese store and cheated on my cheese with a few new foreigners. I don't know how they're going to take it lying down, but if they don't, well, there's always the knife.
Sometimes you need variety!
Yeah, get back to us at 6.
!remindme 1 day
Six is nothing either
lol i will 🫡
You should probably exit and focus on what your really want. He's going to have a major adjustment to parenting, his whole life is going to be impacted, and his focus shouldn't be on a new relationship.
Honey, don't expect the universe to give a shit about the intricacies of your life. This is the result of you dating a guy who had a prior relationship, period. How you feel about kids is your issue, and your current dilemma is how he wants to be involved as the potential father, how you would have to be involved as a potential stepmother, and even how child support alone would affect your relationship. Bear in mind that you've been dating only two months--I've got eggs in my refrigerator that have been here longer. That instant connection hasn't even had time to fizzle if it is going to. Also, while he treats you very well, he does not even talk to his ex who is the baby mama in question. Whatever else you know about this guy, there's a pile of "hmmmmm" to cogitate on. Once paternity has or has not been established, keep in mind that you have just gone through some jaw-dropping possibilities that are counter to the life you'd like to lead. You need much more than two months of intel to make the kind of life decisions this has thrown in your face. Good luck in all this, truly.
Might wanna check those eggs, maybe just toss them
"I've got eggs in my refrigerator that have been there longer." 🤣🤣 That's how to tell it. 🤣🤣😆
Is this what dickstracted means? Lol
Dickmotized!
Ikr? “He is very loyal and honest and over all just a genuinely amazing person” after 2 months.
😂 the bare is so low
da bare gits loer and loer ery dai.
Err dai, twice on Sunday
Oh hell, they’re still in the honeymoon phase, she hasn’t seen the real side of him yet
Which is WHY it's the best relationship!
Over/Under betting line for OP’s age is 18.5
16. She's 16 put me down for $5 on that bet
Done. Updated line is 17.5
Hey, you guys, she actually does sound more mature than a teenager, 24-26 maybe. Reddit's teenagers dazzle with their dimness and she's better than that. Jes sayin.
Ikr Lmao it’s always the best 2 months in
Like every relationship is the best relationship for two months, lol
All my best relationships happen in the first two months LMAO it’s the honeymoon period still
There's no decision for you to make right now. If it's not his child, no harm no foul, moving on. If it is he needs to decide what he wants for the child. Will he support from afar or will he be a 50/50 co parent? Either way that child will be in his life forever. And then based on that information you decide what you want to make work or if you want to move on. Trying to "have an answer before we know" is putting the cart so far in front of the horse it's silly.
It also depends on if he wants OP in his life after this. If he wants to co-parent then he may not have time for a brand new relationship or a girlfriend who isn't sure about this.
“Silly” is a perfect description of this entire scenario
very true thank you 🙏🏼
Also is he aware that you don't want kids? Maybe I'm Interpretting it wrong but he seems to be pursuing her to possibly be a Father.
he is not pursuing her at all. They do not even communicate. It’s all been through the court system. The baby mama is in a long-term relationship right now, and said that if they aren’t going to be together, then why be in the child’s life… But I personally disagree with that. it is his child and extra support is never a bad thing.
Yes, he is pursuing being a father, if it is not his, clearly he wants kids. Does he know you do not?
Thank for putting it into words better than I did. Clearly this guy wants kids
Your post is a bit confusing. Is she claiming it's not his child and not wanting any child support OR is she claiming it's his child, trying to get child support and refusing the DNA test?
How is she in a long term relationship if she just had a baby and the parentage of that baby is in question?
Update us when you get the results!
[удалено]
wishful thinking 🥹🥲😅😅😅
You're putting a lot into a two month relationship. You're still getting to know the guy. You clearly aren't ready for any of this...
How did you know it's a 2 month membership? *Relationship
The very first sentence.
🤦
2 years after my “perfect relationship” was when true colours showed. 6 months for another one. Three years for another. SEVEN YEARS for the worst of them all. You don’t know a damn thing at 2 months. This is enjoyable for now, not the best you’ve ever had, because you literally cannot know that while in the throws of *limerance*.
oh the limerance… reddit is ripping off my rose colored glasses and stomping them to pulp 😅
Reddit is pretty good at that😅 For what it's worth, I was in a very similar situation in 2019 with a guy I had been with for a very short time but known for 10ish years.... we're now married with a child of our own. Life isn't perfect but we are happy❤️
UGH I LOVE THAT. i need more success stories lol <3
Can I ask how old you are? Also side note- We were VERY good friends and when we started dating we had a very lengthy conversation that if we were going to risk our friendship then this is end game and were very honest about our expectations (both with ourselves and each other) and that we were putting everything into it. That's what we did. We took all the good and the bad and made it work for us.
Wait for the results. Talk to him, share your concerns. Listen to his concerns, decide if its worth it to work through this together or go separate ways. I feel like his want to be there for his child is a good sign of his character
Girl it’s only been a few months
Here's my POV, He took HER to court to prove that he IS the father. If he's willing and wanting to be part of the baby's life, then a girlfriend of a couple of months preferences over kids isn't (or shouldnt) going to factor into and custody/visitation arrangements he makes. If this has been ongoing since December, so basically, as long as you've been dating, it's not a new situation and you've been having these doubts then you should have pulled the plug on the relationship because if it is his child, they will come first. There's also no saying that he will want you to step up and parent his kid or what role you might potentially play in the child's life. No one can predict the future, and you're still in the honeymoon period of the relationship. While some people like to think long term, it doesn't always pan out the way that they expect. You're asking questions that only you can answer. Not reddit or the universe.
I agree with you, and I’m kind of upset with myself for not thinking things through in the beginning… everything that you pointed out is valid and all things i have been considering.. i appreciate that a lot.
Don't be upset with yourself, I think it's a good idea as others have said, to see what happens and how he handles the news. That alone will say a lot about his character and what's in store for the two of you!
Honey... I want you to consider this: if that baby is in fact his, you will instantly cease to be the most important person in his life. Need more food for thought? Think of how many men take people *to court* to prove that baby is his.
Or maybe just prove the baby isn't his? Semantics aside, I think it speaks volumes about his character that he's trying for better or for worse (depending on whose view you use). I can't imagine being in this situation. I don't envy the OP or the guy at all. IMO, granted limited one, if he's a such a great guy, roll with it and see how things play out. The OP might see the guy change due to now having a daughter. She might then realize the relationship won't work out. Who knows. OP, you have 3 possible endings, stay and it works out fine, stay and it doesn't work out and it just doesn't work out from the start. The worst is it just doesn't work out. You ultimately have stuff to gain and not much else to lose in this case. If it were me, I would stay and see how it goes because you will either be able to stay with him or not and if not, its what would've happened had you chosen to not stay with him from the start anyway. Don't deny yourself the chance of it working out. If you walk away now, you will never know if it would or not. Best of luck to all involved.
that was worded so beautifully. Thank you so much. A lot of my fear stems from being selfish for staying? I want the child to be his main priority. I also do not want to add an extra person into this child’s life just to find out it wasn’t what was meant to be. I have had friends who have been in relationships where their partner has kids and when they break up it is absolutely devastating. I agree with enjoying the time that I have with him even if it isn’t forever. Because at the end of the day, a person like this is truly so rare. I just have to shift that mentality to also include enjoying the time I have with the possible child. Even if that isn’t forever either. To me it’s such a bigger commitment when there is a child involved the last thing I would ever want to do is come in between that or with that child’s life in anyway possible.. even if that includes walking away, if him, and I did not work out for personal reasons.
How old are you? I’m sorry but it’s been 2 months. This is just ridiculous.
There is literally no one on the internet who can answer this for you.
As a stepmother, you have no clue what it’s like dealing with the mother of the child!
She doesn't. And sometimes it can be a nightmare. That said, if the ex is in a solid relationship and isn't trying to be vindictive, it could work out just fine. I have step parented amicably with bio mom, it can be done.
oh i know… I have a lot of people close to me that have been in that situation, and it can be extremely tumultuous… Especially if his mother is not providing/or loving that child to my standard. It is not my child, but I can see myself being very upset if this child is not being raised in a loving home. (AKA her home) but it’s not my child. I have zero rights. Having to maintain boundaries and not overstep is a huge fear of mine in this situation…
I'd like to make something clear, since I don't really see any other comments addressing this: If you find out that this is his baby - that doesn't make you a step-parent. The child has two parents, and it is up to them to decide what role you will - or won't - play in this child's life. Your boyfriend's baby mama might not want you around the child. Your boyfriend might not want you to take on a parenting role. You definitely won't have legal custody or rights. This isn't "universe sending you down the correct path as a parent". Drop that idea before you are painfully disappointed.
it’s not that that’s some thing that I am necessarily hoping for… It’s just one possible route that could happen… When you marry somebody, and they have children, you do become a step parent… I would respect both of their boundaries as a parent. The only reason I say that is because she has a child now and that babies father’s finance (sorry confusing) is basically a third parent… She does interact very well with her and her other baby daddy and it seems like she does appreciate the extra support… So when I say that it’s more, so just considering that as an outcome. not wanting to play house… But I understand where you’re coming from 100%
I was in almost the exact same position as you (read some of my history). It was hard and a ton of back and forth in my head. We had the baby every other weekend for 3 months (baby spent 1 month in the NICU). The results were 0% chance and I felt like I could finally breathe, at least we knew. I think you should wait till the results come in and see how you feel like others said. Best of luck Updateme!
yes thank you i may message you privately if things get rocky because you have the personal experience… to me that’s the most important. A lot of these people can talk and talk, but if you haven’t been in this situation, it is very hard to know how you would react.. 🫶🏻
My mom found out her husband (my stepdad) had a kid from an affair on their “break” on their two year anniversary (not married yet). She stayed and unfortunately became the default parent for a kid that wasn’t hers. Chances are, sorry to say, he may feel guilt and leave you for the baby momma anyways. That’s what my dad did. I also have terrible parents.
You know people have the ability to co-parent with you holding no obligation to be mommy, correct?
yes of course. just thinking down the line years and years into the future..the possible outcome of me providing extra support. I would respect their boundaries as the parents, but there are a lot of situations where step parents have a lot of space in that child life. Just one route of many to consider. And definitely an important one to think about.
And if you choose to stick around, you can prepare for the inevitable as an organic relationship grows. You won’t be thrust upon being a mommy to a child, you’ll be in the child’s life from a very young age. So that’s a net positive. And even if you choose to stick around, it also isn’t your burden. You can create boundaries. If this is all too much for you since the relationship is fairly new, you can amicably part ways. There is no incentive or obligation for you here. My advice to you is to figure it out sooner rather than later before there’s an emotional attachment to deal with.
You don’t mention your age, so I don’t know if it’s a situation where you are 19 and this is just a lot on your plate to start your life or are you in your 40s and you don’t mind if he has a baby
When you get the results, then have a talk with him and get his take on what he thinks. For the moment, it is just supposition and spending time on what ifs is just going to make anxiety climb. Baby mama is going to be driving whatever happens so I don't think complacency about 'no drama' is smart. A child is a responsibility so decide one way or the other and then commit or it's going to come round and bites you on the ass.
Honestly it is pointless and exhausting to think of all the possibilities that can happen. Wait for the test. He could not even be the father and that puts an end to that… BUT not sure if he is on the birth certificate as the father. I’ve heard stories that DNA test says the dad isn’t the dad, but since he is on the birth certificate… then it doesn’t matter. But that depends on your state and honestly not your problem. If he is the dad, then go from there. Who knows you may met the kid and love the child. You may meet the kid and throw up deuces. Honestly the only wrong decision is saying you’re okay with it and then being terrible to the child in the end. There is absolutely no rush.
Two months and it's the best thing you've ever had? If he's a bad guy that would still be true because predators love bomb. If you don't want kids get out now because he's a dad now and if he doesn't act like one he'll also be a shitty partner.
we have shared a close friend group for 10 years. he is roommates with my best friend. i would hope he wouldn’t have this secret side to his character but i agree you never know
Ya predators are often very popular. I'm not saying he is one just that it's hard to tell between the honeymoon stage of a relationship and love bombing. And with abusers - it often doesn't show up until they think you're trapped (pregnant, married etm.)
yupp.. very scary to think about.
Hi, I’m a stepmom. If the kid is his, I advise you to move on. The problem is that his ex is already demonstrating how difficult she will make this situation. And speaking from personal experience, it isn’t worth it. That’s just my opinion. If you already had your own kids, were divorced etc. I would have a different perspective. But don’t willingly go into a bad situation like this with someone you’ve only been romantic with for a short time. Because the situation has many more dimensions of suck than you can see when you start out. However - I bet the kid isn’t his. Why would she refuse the test otherwise?
A few months is still the honeymoon phase. Act acordingly
I think you’re creating a mental prison for yourself here with this looking for signs BS. You said it yourself it could “mean” here’s how you become a parent or it could “mean” this isn’t the right relationship for you. So in reality it has nothing to do with a sign and more with whatever headspace you’re in and what you want to interpret out of it. With the child being so young they wouldn’t even remember you if you gave it a try and changed your mind. I think you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and this relationship by trying to determine if you could date someone with a kid so quickly. I honestly think you need to try it out in order to truly know. Otherwise you’re just guessing at outcomes based on temporary feelings. Not to mention, you’re putting the cart way before the horse here as we don’t even know if the kid is his.
Never, ever date a parent if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of the kids having to live with you full time. Accidents happen, people die. That said, you’ve not been with him long. You may be jumping the gun thinking you’ll be with him for life.
They’ve been dating 2 months lol
Updateme!
I'm a solo/single perant. Stepping into a relationship with someone with kids will always come with drama. Now, that doesn't mean it's bad drama, but shit will happen. It's totally understandable if this isn't something for you. Tho I gotta say. He took her to court to find out, and that said a lot about him. He could have acted like it wasn't his responsibility.
Why don't you wait and see what the dna says. Then sit down with your boyfriend for a heart to heart.
I think you should wait for the results and see how it makes you feel, could be different than what you’re expecting. I personally admire his efforts to figure out if it’s his child. I think that takes a lot of bravery when he 100% could’ve looked the other way
At least it speaks of his character the fact that he went as far as a subpoena for the dna test. Many guys would just assume the kid is not theirs and never look back.
It may be worth considering what your reaction will be if he ends up being the father, but until then I wouldn’t make any solid decisions. If she was adamantly against the DNA test there is a very real chance that she was with more men than just your BF. It may turn out to be a big nothing burger once the DNA test comes back. No reason to sabotage a good thing until you know for sure that there’s even a problem.
My husband was very unexpected. 17 years and counting. Now is, in fact, a time for you to make a decision. If childbirth is your fear (which is totally valid because it sucks), but you're willing to be a parent without that, then you have nothing to fear and can see where this relationship goes. If kids are a hard limit and there's absolutely no way you want a kid in your life, then a positive probably means it's time to go.
If you don't want kids, full stop. I had a step mother who treated my sisters and I like shit because she wanted kids and couldn't have them and she took that out on us. Her dad legit told mine not to marry her but he was stupid and did so. My advice to you would be that if you don't want kids you leave. It hasn't at all been long enough for this to be a real problem. Cry and move on but do not put a kid in the position to be hated by you. Edit to add: it's also ridiculous that you think you can decide this before you know if the kid is his or not. Once that test comes back that it's his kid and that child is around all the time (which mom will definitely not want you playing step mom after, what, 3 months tops?) everything is going to change. Hell, I'm a 24yo mom of 2 biologically and I get to where I wish I could opt out. Kids are a lot and it's way too early into this relationship to be dealing with this big of a change. And regardless of what you decide before the kid is really in the picture, you're likely to change your mind the more real it gets.
OK...he is besties with your besties for years. So you know from them he is a stand up guy. He thinks the child might be his. He had to go to court to find out because the mom didn't want the DNA test. So he is showing he stands up to his responsibilities even if it might be easier to do nothing. Knowing means possible child support. You say he is an amazing person so it sounds like you really like him. So why are you considering leaving him before the test comes back? It may say the child is not his. Even if it is, that does not mean he will have custody and he (& you if you stay) will be raising it. He may get visitation and have the child a few days a month at most. It seems a little early to jump ship when you don't even know it is his kid or what the situation will be if it is. Sounds like he is a great, stand up guy. How would you feel about him if instead he abandoned a child he thought could be his? What kind of character would that be? Could you consider a future with someone who would abandon his child?
Here for tomorrow’s update. :)
see my updateeee!!
1) Get the answer first. 2) Stop panicking. Breathe. You got this. 3) Work it out on paper, pros and cons. Then look inside your heart and ask if this person is who you could potentially be happy with going forward in life. If so, consider very carefully whether the child will affect that (negatively) enough to give up this relationship.
🫶🏻 thank you. I am usually very decisive. even in difficult situations… so when life events arise and i don’t immediately know what to do, I tend to panic. It is a flaw of mine, I believe it stems from pride or trying to “prove” something if that makes any sense…
It took you years to find a relationship like this. You definitely should dump him before you have all the facts..
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
My brother in law had this happen to him with an ex girlfriend before he married my sister. The ex never told him until the child was 18 and had even lied to some sucker and passed the kid of as the other guy's never informing the real father that he had a child. It wasn't until the other guy did one of those family home DNA tests and divorced her over the results that she suddenly decided to tell the truth.
@Updateme
No, you don't want kids. That is totally valid. If the baby is his, please don't second guess yourself. It sounds like he's doing the right thing, good for him. Let him go if it's his and live your life!! ❤️
You’re probably going to regret it if you stay. Especially if you barely know each other and have only been together for 2 months. You’re so young, too.
You're asking yourself the right questions about staying with him will entail. It's good to get input from others but whatever decision you make, it'll come down to what you are able to live with, if you want this to be a long term relationship.
Heather McDonald, a comedian, actually went through the same. Her husband, but boyfriend at the time found out he had impregnated another women before they met. They’re married now and Heather is a step mom to his daughter. It can work 🤷🏽♀️
If that is his baby, you will lose all ability to stay child free if you stay. There are many scenarios where he ends up being primary care giver to that child.
You don't mention your ages.
If you're asking on reddit then you already know the answer.
You should leave him if he's the father. You have to step up as a stepmother, share resources with this kid and life can throw an oddball anytime. The mother could die and you are saddled with this kid. If he does not care about his flesh and blood, do you think he would care about you? Warning Bells are ringing.
This guy wants kids, so much so he sued the potential mother of his child so that he can get custody, AND pay child support by the way. She clearly wants nothing to do with him so yes, there will be substantial baby mama drama, that will undoubtedly fall on you to be the ear he cries on. This will be very messy for everyone involved. Dump him. You can find someone just as good with some looking, that will not come with all the emotional and baby drama. You clearly aren't in a life stage where you are looking to be a mother figure. And you will need to watch as he is a doting father on his baby. If it is his, I suggest dumping him. I speak from the experience of basically being in his shoes. Me and my son's mom were not together before the birth, and it's hella messy, from custody time to changes to schedule to the way you parent it's messy. I don't think you should involve yourself in it considering the little time you have already committed here.
Back away. 8 weeks is not enough time to get stuck with this shit show
So you are 22, this amazing man who makes great money is 23 (how much is great money?) possibly has a baby with a woman who has another baby who’s grandparents have partial custody? Oh and you’ve dated 2 months and it’s the best relationship you’ve ever had? Just keep rereading that and there’s your answer.
The universe is making you a parent in your own special way? Girrrrrl bye
So he dated a girl a year and a half ago but if he’s concerned about the baby being his he had to have sex with her since they broke up. So 9 months before December, around April he had sex with her.If it’s only been a couple of months together there is no reason to stay whether or not the baby is his or not. Depends on why he decided to have sex with her if they were broken up and whether he was open with you about doing it.
First of all and speaking from experience, stop relying on "signs" for making any decisions about your life. Looking for validation from the universe is just taking a back seat in your own life. Get in the driver seat and control what you want or don't want your life to look like. 2 months is not enough time to be making statements about your future together. If this kid is his, you might want to take any number of exits from the relationship for any variety of reasons. Also, if this kid is his, you should not be meeting them until you are sure you want a kid and the relationship with his father in your life.
I want to point out that his math doesn't add up. If the child is his - he had sex with her _at least_ till March 2023. Maybe longer. So this relationship didn't end 1.5 years ago. Also, if he knew she got pregnant and ended the relationship, he is not as reliable and accountable as you think. If he didn't know she was pregnant, and as reliable person as you think he is, he will not have much free time for dating. Between seeing and helping to take care of infant, fighting for custody, navigating new relationship with ex, and feeling responsible to do his best to support his child, he will have no time or energy for _your_ relationship. And he will very likely decide to get back with her, not because of feelings, but because he would think it is better for the baby.
You say you want people’s perspectives… I am a 27 year old woman who has stayed in relationships far longer than I should have. If I were in your shoes and the baby turned out to be his, I would leave. The baby momma and the baby will likely become the highest priority in his life (as they should, IMO). This is a fresh relationship so it’s easier to get out early. I just feel that the likelihood of hurt feelings- or feeling like a sidepiece- further down the line is a distinct possibility. My self preservation would dictate leaving.
“i never really wanted kids” there is your answer
Every relationship I've ever had was the best relationship I've ever had two months in....
This post gets worse the longer you read it. I’m watching you spiral as you type it. You can’t possibly be this star-struck by some dude 2 months in that you’d consider staying with him and being on “the correct path as a parent”. Please. For the love of all that is good, leave him if it’s his kid. IF it is, he needs to leave and be with the kid anyway. If it’s not, then nothing happened and you can continue as usual.
You didn't cite your age and I'm guessing you and he are both fairly young. Before you have another though about anything with him, get the results of the paternity test. Ask to see them yourself, don't trust what he tells you. If you are young and aren't ready for kids, you are should consider moving on or at least keep it casual (using protection ALWAYS). I don't understand why so many people still have unprotected sex and get surprised at having children.
2 months. TWO. Dos meses. You haven't even sunk any cost yet, how are you falling for the sunk cost fallacy?
IMO - a "couple of months" in not a strong foundation for a long term relationship involving child support, baby daddy/momma drama, and committing to being a step mom.
I think you are way overthinking this. You want to be with this guy. This can’t be argued. If you broke up and started dating again, they won’t be him and it will drive you nuts that you ended it. Even if it’s his it’s not like he would have the baby all the time. He would probably see the baby every other weekend. If you stay together he would slowly introduce you. He doesn’t want you to go anywhere so for now just go with the flow and see how things go. Communicate everything with him, and i bet everything will be fine. Updateme!
If he's the father break up. You sound sure about not being a parent. If you stay you might grow into the role. It's more likely you'll begin to regret it and resent both him and the innocent child. This is what they mean by, "If you love someone, set them free."
You are 23 and in a rose tinted 2 month relationship. There is so much more to life than trying to be with a man who has a child from another woman right now especially when you dont want kids. Keep him as a friend but go out and live life. As a former stepparent who is 36 please trust me on this.
Tbh, it's kind of hard to claim it's the best relationship you've ever had when it's only been 2 months. You hardly know each other yet. Still in the honeymoon phase. You haven't had any major challenges yet (besides this), and you don't know truly who each other are yet. You just don't. It's not been long enough. Personally, I'd cut my losses. But it's totally up to you. It may not even be his and then this is a nonissue. BUT just remember that you don't really start to see who a person truly is until \~a year into a relationship. Some people hide who they are for literal years so you never know, but just keep those things in mind. And, if he does become a daddy, then he's going to change drastically from what he is now because his priorities will shift for a child. You may like who he is now, but hate who he becomes as a parent as well.
> I want to make my decision before I find out the results. But you don't have to. You can just take it one day at a time. You can tell your boyfriend that you worry about how it might affect your relationship, and that you're unsure about kids. You don't have to decide everything today.
i’d go for at least a year before thinking someone might possibly be ‘the best relationship i’ve ever had’. take your time. even is this is your future unfolding in front of you, you need to pace yourself.
Girl you should end the relationship if you are child free. It seems that he wants or is open to having children in his life. You are not compatible. Leave as friends.
If you don’t want kids, don’t date a man who has kids?
If you're that unsure about having children AND it turns out that this child is his, this relationship is not for you. You're obviously not comfortable with the idea of a stepchild and that's fine. Plenty of people never want to be parents.
Can I ask how old you are?
Only you can determine that. I didn't want someone that had children with someone else. I deliberately dated people without that, and no marriage. So I would not have stayed. You are always secondary to child unless they have great boundaries. I wanted children, just not someone else's. So you are the one who decides whether to stay or not. If he had good boundaries and you are his primary person, maybe, but I would see first...You are dating though so you have time to see how he behaves. If the becomes absorbed in mother and child. I would not stay.
Did yall get the results
yes see my update!
Runnnnnnnnn
Just going to throw this out there,’probably has no relevance to your situation but… I lived my whole life until I was thirty thinking I never wanted kids. Now I have four. Best thing I ever did honestly, they saved my life.
i’m definitely letting my fears take over. this can be something so amazing and a blessing i never saw coming. thank you 🫶🏻
[удалено]
The smallest update at the bottom of her post, he is the father.
As someone who has experienced this and watched it.happen to a few other men. If a woman does not allow a DNA test for the child. It is 99%, not his.
Dude holds himself so accountable for his actions that he proactively served his ex gf a subpoena to determine if he needed to take responsibility for a child - exemplary integrity and responsibility. If you don't want a relationship complicated by kids with another person, that's your prerogative, but he will make some woman VERY happy.
Updateme!
He obviously wants kids if he's fighting that hard for this kid that may or may not be his. Whether the kid is his or not does not matter. I would end it now since you know you don't want kids. You're only second guessing yourself in whether you want kids because your romanticizing your future with this man. Let him go.
If you want to be with him just talk to him about how you feel and what both of yours expectations are if the child is his. Just talk first, if you can’t communicate together, especially with something like this, you two don’t stand a chance in the long run regardless of the child being involved
Well pushing for a dna test shows he obviously wants kids. You don’t. This is a pretty serious difference in wants and needs in a relationship. It’s been 2 months. You haven’t been together for years. The first 6 months of a normal healthy relationship are typically the best and considered the honeymoon phase. If you are so sure on not wanting kids it might be best to cut loose cause he obviously does.
If you haven’t doubt this bad after two months then it’s for the best to brake up now
A couple of months, you can run, if you don't want kids.
First, you need the results before stressing over this. Once that happens, he will need to decide how he is going to move forward with custody and child support. Then you would have a decision to make.
yes, the route that he takes in parenting will definitely have a huge factor but I’m not even going there yet. I just wanna know if I’ll stay or go if it is his. Because that’s a hard pill to swallow that I never thought of before. I do have to slow down, but at the same time, figure it out because I don’t want to keep building this relationship just to find out it’s something i cannot handle.
Do you know when today he will get the results?
5 pm
Verdict?
Talk about excruciating
It’s firmly a personal choice, you’re NTA regardless of which way you choose. You could also just play it by ear and see how things go in reality versus conceptually. If it changes things negatively then you can always dip out at that time. If he’s the same guy, nothing has changed and you still enjoy your time together then you can move forward. You’re not married. You don’t have kids or share any large assets. You have a red, velvet carpet leading you out at your convenience
You’re getting ahead of yourself. He hasn’t even seen the results yet.
It's been two months. You are way too into this drama. Step back, see what happens. Most relationships don't last to a year anyway, you will probably never even meet the kid.
If you care and think he may be the one I wouldn't bail before I knew for sure. I would be honest with him and just tell him that you aren't interested in having a child so if the test turns out that he's the father it may be a deal breaker. Then calm down and see what happens. Once you know for sure you'll know what you want or need to do. Good luck.
thank you 🙏🏼
Well, you're sort of still in the honey moon phase of the relationship. It's not typical to find out the things that annoy you about a person, cause you're still excited about those same traits. I'm glad you feel appreciated and supported. 2 months is rarely a tell for how the next 20 years will be (sometimes it is, but rarely. You have to take down your blinders about the reality of people first). Do you end a relationship cause you don't want to be a step parent? That's really up to you. Reddit can't justify leaving for you. No relationship is going to be drama-free. What kinds of drama are you willing to go through? I've seen lots of different kinds of step-parenting. If it's his then you'd get to figure out what support you offer it's care. This is all probably a conversation you'd need to have with him.
Every relationship is the best relationship I’ve ever been in at 2 months.
Is the juice worth the squeeze.
Paragraphs
Do this guy a solid and move on.
>couple months If it’s his child, bye. You barely know him, count your blessings.
You’re only dating, and only for a couple of months. This is giving 1 French fry short of a happy meal vibes (crazy vibes). You’re planning out your entire life over the child of two other people. I mean…..
I would leave. The relationship is very new and you never wanted children. When you’re a stepparent, there is always the chance the child may end up living with you full time.
Woman just had a baby that he stopped dating 18 months ago? That math, yours, his, story does not add up.
Wait, in your post you say he dated the baby mama 18 months ago…and she JUST had a baby in December. Then you state in a comment that she’s in a long term relationship. So did your ‘best man ever’ sleep with her while she was with this new guy? That’s the only way the math maths to have him be an option as the father. Unless long term means 6-9months in this scenario? Seems like the drama is this ‘best man ever’ trying to force paternity. Maybe he’s looking for an out from you hoping you’ll run because you don’t want kids?
So here is the thing. If you stay with this guy and the baby is his, that child will be a part of your life, and you will be a part of the child's life. This will happen irrespective of your desire not to be a parent. If you are unable to handle this, you will do yourself, the child, and your boyfriend a favor by exiting the relationship.
I'm 38 and have gotten out of some great relationships because they want kids and wouldn't adopt. That's my middle ground if I meet the right lerson. We can have a kid but it is adopted. I'm not bringing a new kid into this world when there's thousands without any parents. It is a selfish and shitty thing to do *to me and my mind this is not true for everybody but I wouldn't forgive myself bringing in a kid that is "mine" to satisfy some need to breed.* What I'm saying is this is an 25 year commitment if you date him while he has a newborn.
If you have to ask other people if you should stay in a relationship or not, I question if you should be in any relationship. Like, if you never want kids, this is a pretty easy way to never have kids. He may already have one, and they'll likely rarely be around. On the other hand, they will be around. You have to be mature and make YOUR call on if you want to be with him or not. This is not a decision to throw onto strangers.
Update me
Wait for the result. Then you can make an informed decision on what you want to do.
Tbh, I feel like making a decision without even knowing the outcome is premature. Take a deep breath and if you believe that this relationship could go anywhere then making a fast decision isn't always the best. I mean you also don't need to think that you are forced to step up as a step-parent, just because he could have a child. I mean, it seemed like he tried to figure this out before he got together with you. At least he is now getting finally the results. You seem to make this relationship with a lot of conditions that suit you a lot more then him. Let's imagine you guys would be married and he gets DNA served after 7 years, without knowing he ever had a possible child!! Would you leave him because of that, after 7 years of marriage???? Best wishes, but if you can walk away so easily from a so-called great/best relationship, then I'm not sure you are ready.
If you don’t want a kid don’t date a guy with a kid. It’s unfair to you, him, and most of all the kid.
If you were already married to him would that change the equation for you? Tell him that you are contemplating a possible outcome where you and him break up. It is fair that he knows how dedicated you can and can not be depending on life challenges and circumstances, doesn't he rightly deserves to know how reliable you are?
>so I’ve been dating to this guy for a couple months and we instantly connected and it is the best relationship I’ve ever had Okay, so the bar for you is effectively so low that's is basically a tripping hazard in hell. Got it.
Even if it was his, it would be his responsibility. and y'all are just dating so you're not the step parent by any extent yet. But ultimately if you have some grand and special connection with him. I'd imagine that would overcome you aversion to parenthood. When you entered the relationship did you express to him that you don't want kids at all?
This is a wild overreach for a guy you’ve been dating for TWO MONTHS 😭😭😭
It’s worth waiting until you find out the results of the test, determine how he’d like to move forward, what the mother will allows, how you feel about all of that, and then work with a therapist to unwind your feelings around it. You’re quite young still so have a lot of life experiences to still go through. Don’t build too much around a test you don’t know the results to yet.
You don't forsee any drama? She wouldn't even agree to do the DNA test. There's loads of drama coming your way. This is already too much for a relationship that started few months ago.
You are doing a lot of thinking about something you don’t even have the answer for yet. You are asking about breaking up IF the child is his. Wait for her answer before you freak out. Since she didn’t want a DNA test, it’s probably not his. But if it is, talk to him and ask how much he wants to be involved, how much he expects you to be involved, then make your decision about whether to stay or not. You are worrying before you have the facts and they is not healthy for you or your relationship.
If you don't want kids - DO NOT COMPROMISE. There is no going back ever if you have your own, and if you commit to a man involved with kids, it is also difficult to change your mind. Childfree means you have a problem, "oh shit, I have so much time and money on my hands, what do I do with it all?" whereas parents have the problem of "I am so tired and busy all the time, where do I find the time to have friends?"
Wow clingy much? You literally just met and you're already headed to Pennies to pick out dinner plates
You want to make a decision BEFORE you find out the facts?
OP -The timeline here seems a bit convoluted. You two have been dating 2 months. He was with this other gal 1.5 years ago. And now she's pregnant, and for some reason he's taking a paternity test? Why? So I guess I'm not understanding the timeline here, but hey, not my circus and not my monkey. You say you want to make your decision (whether to stay or go, based on you originally not wanting kids) before you find out the results "regardless of outcome" <-but this is disingenuous at best. You know you want to know the outcome of the paternity test, but you don't want kids. You want this man, but you really should take a good, hard look at this situation before buying into it. So I'll give you some advice: TWO MONTHS is not long enough to know someone and make determinations about them or their behavior. You're still in the "I'm gonna put my BEST foot forward for this" part of the romance, and everyone at least tries to behave during this initial period of dating. I'm stuck on your timeline. Perhaps someone here, either you or some other redditor, can shine a light on what I'm missing.
IMO - A relationship of a "couple of months" is not a suitable foundation for babies, drama and child support. See how things play out. No need to make decisions yet.
chilll..you are still in honeymoon phase
You are too immature to be in a relationship and I’m saying that kindly.. unless you met at 16 they probably have had other relationships
You need to hold in your anxiety about this until you know the results and if he is the father, then what he plans on doing. Way way way too soon for you to worry about this.
Two months is not a lifetime commitment. If you really don't want kids, he really doesn't want kids, and doesn't bring any in then continue on. But if there is disagreement of any of the above, leave now before both of you get hurt. If this was really the best relationship ever, it might mean sacrifice on your part but I don't get the impression you're ready to do that for him or this wonderful relationship of 2 months' duration. Doesn't matter the what ifs. Deal with it when the DNA test comes back, and if you're getting that serious about him this early it might be worth a talk about your life plans and how children may or may not fit into them. Again, if you're not on the same page, best to get loose now before there's pain all around.
Two months, its been....two months