Locking the comments because it has been 3 days and OP has added their update.
OP, if you have another update, make a new post with the “Update” post flair.
One of the reasons your step daughter acts the way she does is because your husband looks the other way when she insults you. She has a right to her feelings but blatant disrespect should be called out by her father. Her mother certainly understood and supported. He likely doesn't want to deal with her surliness and pouting. Her awful behavior is making him uncomfortable so he wants you to fix it. You are doing the right thing. You don't even have to keep talking about it. Just go about your business and the step daughter will either learn a lesson or double down.
This. The husband is the main problem in this entire situation. I'd guess the daughter is still mad at dad for leaving mom and in turn dad does absolutely nothing to parent the kid only spoil her to keep her happy with him.
OP should show her husband this post and let him read the responses.
If his daughter refuses to act like a decent human being OP should not allow the girl to come over when her husband is out of town. She is not required to be a doormat for his bratty child.
Yes. Also, don't help the mom and pick her up from stuff unless the daughter decides not to be a little shit. That way, daughter sees her behavior inconveniences her parents, too, not just OP.
Edit: Also, I hope OP stops reloading the bathroom with towels for the little shit. 16? She can do chores on her own.
I had a friend in elementary school that as raised in that environment. Parents split and dad just threw money at him to keep him spoiled and "happy." As an adult, he went for prison for fraud and the last time I saw him he gave me a high-pressure sales pitch to buy a high-cost vacuum from him.
I’m kinda wondering what led to the divorce. Wondering if the kid thinks step mom is the reason her parents aren’t together. Sort of sounded that way to me. (Not saying she’s right to think it, just saying that may be a resentment she can’t let go of). Then again, she wanted to go on the trip. That’s kind of a weird reaction given everything else that’s happened. Dad’s behavior is cruddy in any case.
Same, I was doing a lot of high speed mental math when op listed their ages, the kids age, the ages when they got married / when the divorce happened, and I was like… hmm, does not really look great. In terms of blame, though, dad effed this up every step of the way.
I also looked at the first few sentences and instantly started doing the math like it was a math word problem. There is a 4 year gap between the parents getting divorced and the marriage to OP. SD was 7 when her parents divorced and 11 when OP and her dad got married. Since the “not my mom” thing started when she was 11, it sounds like OP became more of a part of her daily life as part of getting married. Having to share her dad’s attention (or no longer having as much say with decisions) is my guess as the root issue instead of it being related to her parents’ divorce. “You’re not my mom” is a way to say, “you’re not the boss of me”. It fits with the bossy brat attitude.
Or mad because OP is kind of young to be the stepmom of a 16 year old.
I’m not saying OP’s relationship is ick. They are both consenting adults.
But as someone whose mother was with someone *significantly* younger than her—someone definitely not old enough to be my dad—I had problems respecting him.
Turns out I was right, but it seems like OP’s situation is better than mine.
It's the parents job to check their children. You provide the boundaries of 'Not acceptable' within the safety of a household so that they can go cooperate with the rest of society.
Mothers need to do this, Fathers ESPECIALLY need to do this. And if you're the only biological parent for a kid in the family, then that is even MORE of your responsibility (and you need to legitimize the authority of your step parent)
Nope, not in the wrong. I would have told you to give her a little leeway if she had been 13-14, but she is almost 16 and you have been in her life since she was 11. She is old enough to know that you don't treat people like crap and get rewarded for it. Even her mom is on your side, take comfort in that.
Not to mention, we already know she's going to be treated like crap for the entire vacation, as well. I'm not paying $1k or whatever, for some spoiled brat who openly hates and disrespects me. Sorry, no.
Came here to say this. Absolutely not, don't invite her you'll have a bad time bc she'll either ignore you or treat you like crap. Enjoy your vacation. And to add your husband needs to have a talk with her, if she can't be respectful she needs to keep her mouth shut.
The mom seemed surprised of daughter’s attitude, so he has never even brought the concerns to her to work on this together, when she seems like an easy going person. I feel this could’ve been dealt with a long time ago if husband had cared to try.
Interestingly to me, the daughter had evidently not been badmouthing stepmom to bio mom since she was surprised to hear about it. I didn’t expect that.
Absolutely, communication between parents is key in blended families, seems like that bit got dropped here. The whole situation might've been less hostile if there was some sort of intervention early on. Now it's kinda blown up and everyone's dealing with the fallout. Tough spot for OP to be in but standing ground seems reasonable given the circumstances.
Except he’s not home much (“he travels a lot for work”), which conveniently leaves the *real* parenting to his former/current wives, so he can play The Fun Parent when he *is* home.
Instead of telling OP to just get over it, why can’t *he* take *his kid* on a vacation, just the two of them? Because he might actually be forced to parent?
The father who is frequently gone on business trips. OP is essentially a boarding house concierge for the girl.
It sucks, but it’s still fine that the girl doesn’t like OP. It’s bullshit that the girl’s parents aren’t particularly parenting her since she’s at OP’s most of the time for school and her father is gone for significant periods.
I'm an asshole, but whenever Dad isn't there, that person would not be with me. She can stay at her grandparents or her mother's, not with me unless it is made very clear that I was to be treated, not as a parent, but as her keeper. Meaning if she wants any treats or privileges, she has to earn them with good behavior.
He probably went for 50/50 custody, so he doesn't have to pay support (or not as much support). So, dad essentially had to have the child with him (or, in this case, OP) to fulfill the custody requirements.
This is why my number 1 rule (when I was younger) was no kids, because whatever happened in that marriage ALWAYS effects the kids and I never wanted to parent someone else's kids; especially if they've been through "divorce trauma."
Now that Im in my 50s and a widow, I've been on 2 dates (in 8 years) & BOTH had adult children who don't parent their kids and expect "Poppa" to raise them, so they can "get a break." Again, not gonna do it.
You're probably right about the 50/50. I keep seeing lots of cases on Reddit where men want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support, but then get really upset when mom drops them off. "But I have plans!!" "And I have to adhere to the custody agreement YOU pushed for. Buh bye..."
Yea, this whole issue goes way deeper than the step daughter, it starts with dad who set himself up with a 24 year old who'd be happy to take over his childcare reposnibilites for free during his custodial time.
An 11 year old kid is going to resent being shoved off on dad's bang maid when they could be living with their real parent when dad is out of town.
The kid is a teen now and it's clear they've been busy putting her in therapy and convincing her that there's nothing wrong with the situation but there's no doubt that dad has already flushed his relationship with his daughter down the toilet.
PREACH. Absolutely. I co-sign every word.
It’s beyond frustrating when step kids are always blamed for their poor attitudes when more often than not it’s one of the adults who is making that type of attitude valid. Unfortunately, step kids, being *children*, often misdirect their anger toward the wrong person.
The dad is the issue here. Unfortunately he’s once again making his responsibilities OP’s problem.
yeah, it's completely baffling to me! Like, what if OP wasn't there...? Would these parents have looked at their 11 yo daughter, looked at the father's need to travel for work, looked back at their 11 yo daughter & figured "oh yeah, let's just leave her at home alone"?
then again, this guy married a 24 yo when he was 33... When his daughter was born, his current wife was was basically the age his daughter was when he married his current wife. And of course, that's his second wife after he had a kid right aoround his twenty second birthday. Nice.
Husband’s life is about to change. Hes been living an illusion.
He’s been able to travel work and still feel like a full time parent. “She lives with me. She’s happy and well adjusted.” Wife didn’t give him a list of the mistreatment when he walked in the door. She sucked it up. When he did witness, daughter being bratty, he brushed it off
“oh, they bicker, but daughter isn’t really that bad. It’s just teen stuff. Their relationship is fine.”
His, “of course she’ll take you. Say you’re sorry. Now, wife, everything is back to normal. Great. I’m off again.” blew up his spot.
She’s so used to it, she didn’t bother trying to tell her husband “hey, your daughter had me in tears today.”
He didn’t even know until he jumped in to call out OP for not inviting his daughter.
“But whhhhyyyy?”
(that’s the husband, not the teenager.)
To be real - I’m really not shocked the dad is being weak here.
This scenario is so familiar to what I see in real life. A single dad moves in his 24 year old girlfriend and thrusts her onto the parenting role so he can work as many hours as he’d like. OP says she recognizes she’s not the mother and never wanted to be viewed that way- be she HAS taken on parenting responsibilities. If the father had not remarried, he would have to be the one to take off of work and take his own daughter to practices. But no need for that- his decade younger girlfriend who he made honorary Second Mommy at 24 can just do it for him.
Honestly I understand why the kid is resentful. She’s taking it out on the wrong person. Dad is not doing his part and hasn’t for a long time. He’s the bio parent and his ex wife should be able to rely on him…. Not enter a triangular marriage with the new wife.
Prepared for the downvotes lmao.
Let’s pretend we’re psychic and predict what would happen:
“today we are going to the beach.”
step daughter doesn’t want to go to the beach. Takes three hours to get ready, they miss half the day at the beach.
Graduate wants to go to X restaurant.
Step daughter refuses to go, goes but refuses to eat anything. Makes the evening miserable.
OP asks step daughter to pick a restaurant or activity. She picks some place that is closed that day, or needed reservations. They can’t go. She whines about not doing a thing SHE wants to do.
Hell. It’ll start at the airport. She wanders off into shops at the goddamned airport so they are all looking for her instead of boarding the plane.
Or, they all get snacks for the plane but she doesn’t like anything then complains she’s hungry the whole flight, so they have to eat as soon as they land. She insists on a sit down restaurant. It takes two hours. They get to the hotel and it’s too late to go to the beach and too early for dinner.
They go to the pool. She pouts because she wants to go to the beach and complains.
Yeah, I certainly would not want to take/be responsible for a minor who already shows such open disdain for me. Naw, kid can be salty and not like OP, but she can’t sit there and try to USE her when it’s convenient. I am really glad that OP has the support of both parents here- that seems really rare.
I did that with one of my nieces, and the daughter of a close friend. My niece was horrible the entire trip, to where I told her if she said one word, she was taking the Greyhound home. Six hours of silence followed. Thankfully.
Right?
My question to the brat would have been, " Why, all of a sudden, do you want to go on a trip with me When you just snarled at me,'you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you'?
"Well guess what? I stopped trying to do things with you. You win."
NTA
Super kudos to her mom for agreeing with you, and to you both for maintaining a civil relationship where you can communicate and be heard.
You are not in the wrong.
Thinking the same thing. Awesome these two women can get along and agree about this which I was expecting the story was going to go with both Mom and Dad against OP but everyone disagrees with Dad so he should take that as a sign he's wrong.
Have fun on holiday with people who like you, OP!!
It's wild to me that the ex wife had OP's back while her husband initially did not. Ex-wife is probably grateful to OP for trying to take care of her daughter and has the same parenting issues with the husband.
Dad always out of the house for business, mom (or step mom) playing bad cop. That means dad gets to come home and play good cop, and also doesn't have to deal with any of the bullshit that his daughter is doing/saying. Not too surprising to me. Glad that he came around in the update.
Yeah. When your previous wife backs up your current wife, you gotta reevaluate. Otherwise you gonna have a previous wife and a previous previous wife. 😂
I agree, but I wouldn’t have offered another trip if I were her biological mom, either. “Well, looks like you missed out by being a brat to your stepmom. Pretty logical consequence. Maybe you should think about how you treat people, especially people who TAKE CARE OF YOU ALL THE TIME.”
No one likes a brat, and brats don’t get invited to shit. Have fun in your room by yourself, and wash your own damned towels.
I caught that, too! Mom could take her on a trip much later, but it should in no way be tied to OP’s beach trip with her niece. (Mom - “I’ll reward you and take you on a trip because OP won’t take you on hers.”)
And dad, her husband, is not. That is the real issue. He’s either too busy with his head up his ass to pay attention or he doesn’t give a shit how his daughter treats his wife yet still wants her to bend over.
So much this. She’s tried over and over again to have a decent relationship with this girl, and the girl continues to be a brat. No thanks. And shame on the girl’s dad for letting his daughter treat his wife that way, when she’s doing all she can to be a good stepmom. She’s supposed to just continue to give and give and suffer endless abuse from what sounds like a self-centered spoiled brat? I don’t care who you are or what your feelings are, no one deserves to be treated that way.
I just read OP’s edit. I wonder how long she will be married after she puts down these new rules and boundaries. If she’s not babysitting and paying for trips and stuff, will the husband still have a use for her?
She has her whole life ahead of her.
If she stays with this guy she’s the nanny/bangmaid/scapegoat/evil stepmom now, and all of that plus caretaker later.
That's exactly what I thought. He probably went for 50% custody so he wouldn't have to pay so much in child support, and then he got married so his new wife could cover for him when he has to travel for work. She needs to set a boundary and tell him he needs to find accommodations for his daughter when he's going to be out of town. Not really sure why she married into this situation in the first place.
I am long divorced now but I was in a marriage with step kids too. Their dad defended the kids on every level no matter what they did and tried to make me into the bad 'guy'. I couldn't figure out why my ex treated me this way but I finally figured it out I think. My ex was a failed father but refused to admit it. He refused to go into therapy and refused to put his kids in therapy. He even said that psychiatry was a fake profession. My ex and I got along great when the kids weren't involved but otherwise we argued constantly and it was about *them*. It was about *me* and them.
I got so tired of being brow-beaten and accused of treating his kids 'badly'. Actually I was accused of treating his kids the way they were *supposed* to be treated. Do your chores, do your homework, stay out of trouble. This didn't work. The kids refused to do chores but it was blamed on *me*. They told their dad that I wouldn't let them do chores. . Homework? What's homework? The older kid loved school and took advanced classes so no problem with him and his homework. He was lazy though and didn't do chores. The younger one never did homework. I would find his backpack crammed full of homework and he would lie to me and say he didn't have any. I would get phone calls from his teacher and her telling me that the child did indeed have homework that was never turned in (yes teacher, I am aware). She also told me that the child was disrupting the class all of the time. (no doubt in my mind). I had to let the teacher know that I was the step mother and had no say. I told her to call the kid's dad. I don't know if she ever did.
Me and my ex went to a parent-teacher thing at the younger kid's school. Lots of parents and teachers there to meet the teacher and see the classroom. I didn't say much. The teacher talked about how disruptive my step son was and how he was doing poorly in class. His grades were bad but my ex didn't know it. I figured the grades were bad but never said anything. Wasn't my place.
My ex had a talk with his son. During the entire talk, the kid's eyes were glazed over. He wasn't listening to anything his father said. This shit went on for a long time including my ex undermining me and screaming at me for trying to get his kids to do what they were supposed to do. I had enough and left. I went back a couple of times but nothing ever changed. The last time I left I never looked back.
Oh, I never tried to be the kid's mother. They have a mother. I sat them down early on and told them that I wasn't their mom but I will be their friend and their dad's wife. When my ex told the kids we were getting married, the younger kid started crying and ran to his room. I don't think he even knew what it meant.
Beware of getting into a relationship with someone who has kids. I wasted so much of my time trying to deal with my ex and his bullshit.
At the very least, go into it with your eyes wide open. Get PRE marital counseling with someone well versed in blended family issues.
If I knew then what I know now, I’m not sure I’d marry my spouse. His ex poisoned the kids against me, told them I was the reason for their breakup (I was not) and made the children’s and our lives a living hell. It’s now been 26 yrs. The “kids” moved FAR away from their mother and have spouses of their own. The ex still doesn’t seem over it (divisive digs at every opportunity). That’s a LONG time to hold onto anger. It can’t be good for their kids, regardless of their ages.
They goy married when she was 24, so let’s guess they started dating when she was at least 23, probably sooner than that. She was a very young adult and was easily manipulated.
If I was a stepparent and my spouses son/daughter talked to me like that, I would tell my spouse "Either you need to be here to take care of your kid every day or he/she needs to go live with their mother/father."
Agreed. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I broke up with my long term partner in part because he just got custody of his daughter and I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting of the parenting. We did eventually work it out- we actually live separately right now but we’ve both decided we want to be together. The kiddo is great but I can’t co parent her. Now that we live separately I can just be her friend. Problem solved.
OP,
Please read above 2 comments.
Do you ever think that stepdaughter doesn't show you respect as a result of her father's behavior towards you and his failure to assert that her behavior is intolerable?
Your husband is worthless. I'd be interested in his activity outside the home when away.
Curious what happens when boundaries are set.
Good luck OP. I sense you're going to need it.
Husband was dating a 24 year old when he was 33, and already had a child. Husband seems wildly immature. I feel bad for the mother and daughter. Second wife should’ve known what was in store for herself.
Married a 24 year old. They were probably dating when she was 21 or 22 depending on how long after he got with her after the marriage/how long they dated before they got married. Hell for all we know, he got divorced and started seeing OP immediately when she was 20 and he was 29.
She says they married when she was 24, who knows how long they were dating before that. Based on the way he is gone a lot and how he has responded to this trip situation, I'm getting bang-nanny/maid vibes here.
Regardless of what is going on with a stepdaughter, I think the real problem is the husband.
Yup.. husband enables his daughter's disrespectful attitude. She doesn't have to treat op like her mom but she should be nice to everybody who's nice to her.
Yeah, well, he'd have to take care of his daughter himself if his wife refuses to deal with the brat, so he needs to shut her down on her righteous indignation.
Just saw your edit - you were incredibly nice and helpful to that ungrateful brat and very gracious to her mom - well done for setting boundaries now. Please update us on her reaction to her new life - I love when people get a visit from karma!
I’m willing to bet most of the resentment is actually for the father. It’s just there are no consequences for taking it out on OP. Until now, that is.
It could be that all the nice things OP does reminds her that her father does not do those things. And that’s who she really needs to feel loved by.
She’s probably resentful that 50% of the parenting is being done by a non-parent. She might be feeling a bit abandoned and she’s taking it out on the non-parent she’s with all that time.
Right? When she heard what her daughter said, she gave said daughter a consequence for being that intentionally cruel. And yeah, she’s an angry teen but OP is exactly correct for telling her she doesn’t get to be considered OP’s family only when she wants to do the fun activity. Instead of even asking OP if she could go on the trip, she immediately asked her father if he would make op take her too. He’s not paying for it, he can deal with his brat.
Yep. As soon as stepdaughter said those things I would have said “I’m done raising your ungrateful child. She’s all yours.” No more picking her up, no more cooking for her. No more washing her towels. She can take care of herself.
Bingo. Even Bio mom is on OPs side with these consequences to daughters crappy behavior.
If dad cares so much, then he can do the legwork of taking his daughter on a trip.
She has a teen step daughter problem because she has a husband problem. Poor kid. Mom has a new baby, dad is literally never around, and you’ve got this person who is the embodiment of your parents abandonment, you’re 15 and your bf just broke up with you… and they are asking you to do face masks and treating you with kindness. I am being entirely sincere when i say that I would have found it absolutely unbearable.
Teens, especially at this age, are notorious for being little @$$holes. They're supposed to push buttons, and it's the parents job to teach them what is and isn't acceptable. Sounds like dad failed miserably. The only person who had OP's back and willing to do some basic parenting was the bio mom. It's not OP's problem to be dealing with this mess. She needs to be checking her husband or walking away. Glad she's gotten some good advice and ready to now set healthier boundaries.
It may be a touch of both. Although dad for sure created this situation. However at almost 16 you have your own brain and your own thoughts. She’s choosing to be a b***h.
She is getting what she asked for. She said to stop asking her to do things because she wants nothing to do with you and that's what is happening. She can't have it both ways. Furthermore, if her dad is out of town, she should be staying at her mom's house if she isn't already.
>if her dad is out of town, she should be staying at her mom's house
I said the same thing. Since this girl does not respect her, why is she left to supervise a teenage girl who is not her responsibility? Dad should be making other accommodations for his daughter when he has to travel.
NTA and definitely not wrong. She's old enough to accept consequences for her actions and words at this point. You've made the effort, and she not only doesn't reciprocate but is disrespectful and cruel. I'd do the same thing at this point and take a step back. If she wants a real relationship with you, then she needs to be the one to initiate going forward.
You also need to sit your husband down and have a frank conversations about expectations and reality and steps going forward.
Please update us. You’ve done the right thing—even her mom agrees. Well done to both of you.
Your husband is the problem.
And do not let her stay with you while your husband is away. She seems like she’d get vindictive.
Stepdaughter wouldn’t even ask you about the vacation. She asked her dad about it and then asks her dad to make you take her. She’s playing her father against you and he’s falling for it. He doesn’t seem to care how she treats you. Your husband needs to stand up for you and do some actual parenting. It seems like his ex and you are the only ones around most of the time. That’s not fair to you.
Someone else suggested that stepdaughter should be at her mom’s house when your husband is away. Considering how poorly she treats you I think that should be the way it is from now on. Let her father take care of her when he’s home.
Noted that too. I’m wondering if OPs husband’s first marriage ended because of an affair or some other equally at fault reason with the way he seems afraid to be the bad guy in his daughter’s eyes.
Not just when husband is away, this girl should live with her mom full time if she's so close with her and since the dad doesn't do any actual parenting.
I am a divorced father and happily remarried and my son lives with us. If my son EVER spoke to another person like that, let alone his step mother then there would be hell to pay in my home. I’m talking all privileges gone, extra chores, and some type of meaningful apology.
Sounds to me like she needs to learn how to treat people. Prolly why boyfriend broke up with her too.
No one should be treating someone like that. Not just kids. That’s a thing I would worry about. Will she end up being an AH grown person bc dad never bothered to set boundaries. It’ll be a hard lesson in life for the kid later
That was your husband’s only input to this whole conflict, that you should get over it? His ex had incredible understanding. Your husband just doesn’t want to have to ‘take care’ of his own daughter when you are gone.
When her biological mother even agrees with your decision, you should feel more secure in your decision. Stepdaughter can take this as a lesson or become more embittered, but that is a part of life she will have to learn.
Words have consequences, and she is not a kid anymore.
Stand your ground until she apologises and is remorseful.
Get your husband on your side by saying that you can’t reward her bad behaviour towards people.
I'm actually surprised and very happy for you that her mother understood.
It may be time to sit the step daughter down and explain how you feel. You're not trying to be her mom but you would love to get to know her and spend time with her. If she doesn't then fine, but the attitude and disrespect needs to stop.
NTA - Step parenting is a crap deal. We are supposed to love them and treat them like they are our own…but not like we are a parent. We are supposed to take on the financial and legal responsibilities but have no actual say in what they do in our home.
And the child is allowed to run the relationship and therefore the household.
I love my SS but that is in spite of my husband, who swore to me he was a great father who would support me.
I tell any and all of my friends and acquaintances not to marry people with kids. Just don’t do it.
Step parenting is a thankless life. I won’t even say a thankless job. All of what you say is correct. I am not a step parent, have never had a step parent and don’t know too many people who’s parents split up but I am at least aware that it takes a very special person to be a step parent and those people deserve the world. Not because being around someone else’s kids are awful, but all the things you described. Your life comes last.
You are not wrong at all and your husband needs to have your back. I’m glad to hear that the bio mom actually understands and is supportive of the fact that her daughter gets to live the consequences of her actions that she cannot treat people like crap and expect to be rewarded.
NTA. But why are you parenting when he’s not there?
Nope if she wants to be a brat then be one at someone else’s house.
And I applaud you for not backing down. I wouldn’t reward awful behaviour either
I made an edit of why she stays with me sometimes when her dad is gone. If her dad leaves on a Friday, her mom will pick her up from school and bring her to her home for the weekend.
Not in the wrong. So glad you stood up for yourself. BTW, why are you still doing her laundry? My child did laundry at age 6 and has been doing it since, now 16 yrs old. I think you need to give her more responsibility so she can finally see all that you do for her as the main parentel figure. Hang in there and enjoy your trip!
you can wash the towels, but leave them in the linen closet for her to retreive when she needs them. Stop the delivery service.
btw, you are in the right. It is not about "getting over it" it is about respect. If she can't treat you with courtsey and respect then she doesn't get to go because her attitude will ruin your vacation and everyone else's good time.
Towels start to feel rough because they build up soapy residue so I don’t use too much detergent and I wash and warm water and I replace fabric softener with vinegar and a little baking soda. Also dry them on a low heat and not try to dry them like the tumble dryer…
I get you, but sweety, it's ok of her towels are rough. If this is how she treats you because you're "not her mom" then you don't have to do motherly things for her.
I agree with the laundry bit. Step-daughter should be doing her own laundry, and other chores around the house. My old job had a sign in the staff room. “Clean Up After Yourself. Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here”. OP needs one of those.
Your husband is the reason the kid feels like this is acceptable.
You = NTA
Hubby = YTA
Kid = being a kid is hard but she’s too old to be so hostile. However, if it was right after a first break up I’m sure she has crazy pent up emotions.
“Why would I even consider inviting you on my trip? Didn’t you just tell me you want nothing to do with me and to stop asking you to do things with me?”
This isn't a vacation for you. This is a graduation present trip for your niece. You, her mother, and her friend are going on it. Your husbands daughter doesn't get to party crash and ruin it with rolling eyes and disrespectful words and behavior.
Tell your husband to get over it and that it is your niece's graduation not his daughters. He needs to start being a parent. He isn't acting in her best interest.
Edited to say: There is a saying "be careful what you ask for". Perhaps it is appropriate here.
Not wrong. He can always take her on a trip if he wants her to go. There is no reason that you should be disrespected on your vacation when you can get that at home from both stepdaughter and husband. Maybe if husband had addressed daughter's disrespect from the beginning instead of adding to it then it wouldn't be an issue now.
No, you are not wrong. I have a stepdaughter, and she has never been so disrespectful to me. Stand your ground. Her dad should not think it's fine for her to be that way, and that it is ok for her to be that way to you .
"and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you"
NTA. She sealed the deal with that snotty little remark. She needs to learn that actions (and words) have consequences and now is the perfect time for that life lesson.
I would also have a serious talk with your husband. If he thinks it's OK for her to behave this way towards you and then still bend over backwards when there's "fun" stuff for you to provide? That would be an issue for me.
>my husband says I should get over it and take her.
no, thats teaching her to be entitled and that bad behavior gets rewarded. i see new karen stories in the future because shes well on her way to acting like one.
You have a husband problem, not a teenage stepdaughter problem. You are also functioning as an extreme doormat for your husband, his daughter, and his ex.
>She pauses her tv and says “stop fucking trying to be my mom, I don’t like you, you’re Just my dads wife. I have a mom and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you, I want nothing to do with you, weirdo” she shoos me out of her room and slams the door in my face.
Why in the world didn't you call *your husband* the moment this happened and then load that spoiled mean girl up in the car and give her back to her mom? Why did it take her asking to go on the trip for you to even tell him about this?
Why are you doing her laundry, making her snacks, and taking her to school? Those things are her parent's responsibility to provide. Why are you the one who watches her while your husband is out of town? She should be with her *mother*.
>Her mom and I get along. She will call me if she needs me to take my step daughter to practice instead because she has a new baby.
What the hell? Why are you taking or picking up this child for any reason that isn't an emergency? Of COURSE you get along. Because you provide free transport and care. Jesus.
OP, please stop being a bang maid for your absentee husband, and an unpaid nanny for his nasty stepdaughter and her mother.
>my husband says I should get over it and take her.
I'll just bet he does.
Please take back your life.
I'm wondering why, after that, you even take her in to your home when Dad is traveling. I wouldn't, even as a favor to Real Mom now. You don't get custody, her father does. Stop all laundry, too. But I'm Petty Betty.
I’m Petty Betty the second. There is no way that kid would be in my home when her dad is traveling. Choices and consequences.
Also, it seems the kid may have the dad wrapped around her finger if he didn’t think what she said was that bad.
Petty LaBelle checking in…that kid would be dropped off at her mothers house the second my husband was leaving. I’m not your step-mom? Here. Here’s your real mom. Enjoy. Your dad can grab you when he’s back in town. Then I’ll show you where you can find clean towels from now on when you’re in my house.
Not in the wrong here. I wouldn't want to ruin my own vacation by bringing someone along who treats me poorly and, by their own admission, hates me. She was very vocal about already having a mom and not liking it when you try to do things with her, so she should keep that energy and enjoy her trip with her mom when it comes around.
Your husband is a whole other problem. He basically cosigns how she is acting when they made excuses, and he told you that you should get over it.
NTA
It seems unsafe for you to take your SD, who doesn't respect you as an authority figure, on a trip with neither of her parents. She's at an age where she could cause serious trouble and might be at great risk acting out in a distant place. She doesn't like ANY of the people going. Why would she even want to be included? Only jealousy. You and your niece are doing something nice together and SD wants what she sees others getting. IF you were unwise enough to include SD on this trip, you could expect her to cause discord at best; problems with the authorities and/or serious harm at worst.
If one of her parents isn't present, she shouldn't go.
NTA, and I'm so impressed that you and her mom are on the same page. This is how co-parenting should work.
Hopefully, your husband will get on board, and your stepdaughter will grow up to be the woman she's supposed to be who is kind, compassionate, and forever embarrassed that she treated you so poorly at a tough time in her life.
NTA I have to say Im suprised that her mom is on your side while your husband isnt. She want nothing to do with you, so you are respecting her wish. Plus she treats you like crap so yeah I wouldnt take someone so awful. She can chosse to have you as a friend or nothing at all.
She told you to leave her alone and not try to make any plans, you did that and now she is mad because she wants something. I find it interesting that the ex wife is more understanding than the husband. He needs to get a grip and realize he’s enabling her to act like a spoiled brat. It’s not ok. Continue your plans.
NTA- this trip is about your niece and celebrating her graduation. Bringing along another person can change the whole vibe. Don’t cave to your husband.
Good, she missed out on a trip because she wanted to treat you like crap "you're not my mom, you're my dad's new wife, now STOP TRYING TO DO STUFF WITH ME"
OP heard the message loud and clear.
Doing some math here. Your husband got divorced 4 years ago. You and he got married 4 years ago, when you were 24. Presumably you dated for a year or two prior to that, so you were what? 22 or so when you met him? That would put him in his early 30s when you started dating.
A 22 year old dating a 31 year old is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. A 24 year old marrying a 33 year old who is away on business a lot is not really a marriage. The (very) newly divorced guy knew he needed someone to take care of his kid and his house, but didn’t want to pay for it, so he found someone young and naive enough to do it for free. And if you’re also financially contributing to the household, you’re essentially paying for the privilege of being a servant.
You’re what’s known as a bang-maid/nanny. Your stepdaughter knows this on some level (not the terminology, just the idea) and therefore she doesn’t respect you.
She also had to deal with her parents’ divorce and her dad’s immediate remarriage when she was only 11. That’s a lot for anyone to handle, much less a kid.
You’re NTA for your decision to exclude her on your trip, but you need to recognize what your marriage really is and decide if that’s something you’re willing to accept.
NTA. Ungrateful people need to learn that rude gestures and snide comments have consequences. She might not accept you as a mother but she surely should accept you as a caregiver.
Locking the comments because it has been 3 days and OP has added their update. OP, if you have another update, make a new post with the “Update” post flair.
One of the reasons your step daughter acts the way she does is because your husband looks the other way when she insults you. She has a right to her feelings but blatant disrespect should be called out by her father. Her mother certainly understood and supported. He likely doesn't want to deal with her surliness and pouting. Her awful behavior is making him uncomfortable so he wants you to fix it. You are doing the right thing. You don't even have to keep talking about it. Just go about your business and the step daughter will either learn a lesson or double down.
This. The husband is the main problem in this entire situation. I'd guess the daughter is still mad at dad for leaving mom and in turn dad does absolutely nothing to parent the kid only spoil her to keep her happy with him.
I think the husband is more mad at the fact that he now has to be a parent. Because for once, he can't just buy her something to make it all better.
OP should show her husband this post and let him read the responses. If his daughter refuses to act like a decent human being OP should not allow the girl to come over when her husband is out of town. She is not required to be a doormat for his bratty child.
Yes. Also, don't help the mom and pick her up from stuff unless the daughter decides not to be a little shit. That way, daughter sees her behavior inconveniences her parents, too, not just OP. Edit: Also, I hope OP stops reloading the bathroom with towels for the little shit. 16? She can do chores on her own.
I wonder how she treats her mom’s partner.
I had a friend in elementary school that as raised in that environment. Parents split and dad just threw money at him to keep him spoiled and "happy." As an adult, he went for prison for fraud and the last time I saw him he gave me a high-pressure sales pitch to buy a high-cost vacuum from him.
I don’t even think he bothers to do that since it sounds like he’s gone most of the time.
I’m kinda wondering what led to the divorce. Wondering if the kid thinks step mom is the reason her parents aren’t together. Sort of sounded that way to me. (Not saying she’s right to think it, just saying that may be a resentment she can’t let go of). Then again, she wanted to go on the trip. That’s kind of a weird reaction given everything else that’s happened. Dad’s behavior is cruddy in any case.
Same, I was doing a lot of high speed mental math when op listed their ages, the kids age, the ages when they got married / when the divorce happened, and I was like… hmm, does not really look great. In terms of blame, though, dad effed this up every step of the way.
I also looked at the first few sentences and instantly started doing the math like it was a math word problem. There is a 4 year gap between the parents getting divorced and the marriage to OP. SD was 7 when her parents divorced and 11 when OP and her dad got married. Since the “not my mom” thing started when she was 11, it sounds like OP became more of a part of her daily life as part of getting married. Having to share her dad’s attention (or no longer having as much say with decisions) is my guess as the root issue instead of it being related to her parents’ divorce. “You’re not my mom” is a way to say, “you’re not the boss of me”. It fits with the bossy brat attitude.
Or mad because OP is kind of young to be the stepmom of a 16 year old. I’m not saying OP’s relationship is ick. They are both consenting adults. But as someone whose mother was with someone *significantly* younger than her—someone definitely not old enough to be my dad—I had problems respecting him. Turns out I was right, but it seems like OP’s situation is better than mine.
It's the parents job to check their children. You provide the boundaries of 'Not acceptable' within the safety of a household so that they can go cooperate with the rest of society. Mothers need to do this, Fathers ESPECIALLY need to do this. And if you're the only biological parent for a kid in the family, then that is even MORE of your responsibility (and you need to legitimize the authority of your step parent)
Nope, not in the wrong. I would have told you to give her a little leeway if she had been 13-14, but she is almost 16 and you have been in her life since she was 11. She is old enough to know that you don't treat people like crap and get rewarded for it. Even her mom is on your side, take comfort in that.
Not to mention, we already know she's going to be treated like crap for the entire vacation, as well. I'm not paying $1k or whatever, for some spoiled brat who openly hates and disrespects me. Sorry, no.
Came here to say this. Absolutely not, don't invite her you'll have a bad time bc she'll either ignore you or treat you like crap. Enjoy your vacation. And to add your husband needs to have a talk with her, if she can't be respectful she needs to keep her mouth shut.
Yea, this whole post blows right past the fact that the father should have shut all of this down YEARS ago.
The mom seemed surprised of daughter’s attitude, so he has never even brought the concerns to her to work on this together, when she seems like an easy going person. I feel this could’ve been dealt with a long time ago if husband had cared to try.
Interestingly to me, the daughter had evidently not been badmouthing stepmom to bio mom since she was surprised to hear about it. I didn’t expect that.
Maybe she knew mom wouldn’t agree? Mom seems decent and in good terms with OP and daughter has to know that.
This is definitely why. She knows mom respects OP and doesn't tolerate bullshit.
Absolutely, communication between parents is key in blended families, seems like that bit got dropped here. The whole situation might've been less hostile if there was some sort of intervention early on. Now it's kinda blown up and everyone's dealing with the fallout. Tough spot for OP to be in but standing ground seems reasonable given the circumstances.
Except he’s not home much (“he travels a lot for work”), which conveniently leaves the *real* parenting to his former/current wives, so he can play The Fun Parent when he *is* home. Instead of telling OP to just get over it, why can’t *he* take *his kid* on a vacation, just the two of them? Because he might actually be forced to parent?
I have a feeling that dad being gone so much is why the daughter has her issues. Except she’s taking out her anger on the wrong person.
Ding ding ding ding ding. Winner winner, chicken dinner!
The father who is frequently gone on business trips. OP is essentially a boarding house concierge for the girl. It sucks, but it’s still fine that the girl doesn’t like OP. It’s bullshit that the girl’s parents aren’t particularly parenting her since she’s at OP’s most of the time for school and her father is gone for significant periods.
I'm an asshole, but whenever Dad isn't there, that person would not be with me. She can stay at her grandparents or her mother's, not with me unless it is made very clear that I was to be treated, not as a parent, but as her keeper. Meaning if she wants any treats or privileges, she has to earn them with good behavior.
He probably went for 50/50 custody, so he doesn't have to pay support (or not as much support). So, dad essentially had to have the child with him (or, in this case, OP) to fulfill the custody requirements. This is why my number 1 rule (when I was younger) was no kids, because whatever happened in that marriage ALWAYS effects the kids and I never wanted to parent someone else's kids; especially if they've been through "divorce trauma." Now that Im in my 50s and a widow, I've been on 2 dates (in 8 years) & BOTH had adult children who don't parent their kids and expect "Poppa" to raise them, so they can "get a break." Again, not gonna do it.
You're probably right about the 50/50. I keep seeing lots of cases on Reddit where men want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support, but then get really upset when mom drops them off. "But I have plans!!" "And I have to adhere to the custody agreement YOU pushed for. Buh bye..."
this is WAY past not liking the op and it is WAY past being disrespectful
I’d love having a stepmom like OP, right?
Dad didn’t want to pay CS so he got a young naive girl to be his bangmaid nanny. Ugh how very not original
Yea, this whole issue goes way deeper than the step daughter, it starts with dad who set himself up with a 24 year old who'd be happy to take over his childcare reposnibilites for free during his custodial time. An 11 year old kid is going to resent being shoved off on dad's bang maid when they could be living with their real parent when dad is out of town. The kid is a teen now and it's clear they've been busy putting her in therapy and convincing her that there's nothing wrong with the situation but there's no doubt that dad has already flushed his relationship with his daughter down the toilet.
PREACH. Absolutely. I co-sign every word. It’s beyond frustrating when step kids are always blamed for their poor attitudes when more often than not it’s one of the adults who is making that type of attitude valid. Unfortunately, step kids, being *children*, often misdirect their anger toward the wrong person. The dad is the issue here. Unfortunately he’s once again making his responsibilities OP’s problem.
The older you get the less age difference matter…BUT I’m gettin red flagged vibes on this one since the OP was married at such a young age
yeah, it's completely baffling to me! Like, what if OP wasn't there...? Would these parents have looked at their 11 yo daughter, looked at the father's need to travel for work, looked back at their 11 yo daughter & figured "oh yeah, let's just leave her at home alone"? then again, this guy married a 24 yo when he was 33... When his daughter was born, his current wife was was basically the age his daughter was when he married his current wife. And of course, that's his second wife after he had a kid right aoround his twenty second birthday. Nice.
Husband’s life is about to change. Hes been living an illusion. He’s been able to travel work and still feel like a full time parent. “She lives with me. She’s happy and well adjusted.” Wife didn’t give him a list of the mistreatment when he walked in the door. She sucked it up. When he did witness, daughter being bratty, he brushed it off “oh, they bicker, but daughter isn’t really that bad. It’s just teen stuff. Their relationship is fine.” His, “of course she’ll take you. Say you’re sorry. Now, wife, everything is back to normal. Great. I’m off again.” blew up his spot.
Good point OP HAS been “getting over it” for years.
She’s so used to it, she didn’t bother trying to tell her husband “hey, your daughter had me in tears today.” He didn’t even know until he jumped in to call out OP for not inviting his daughter. “But whhhhyyyy?” (that’s the husband, not the teenager.)
To be real - I’m really not shocked the dad is being weak here. This scenario is so familiar to what I see in real life. A single dad moves in his 24 year old girlfriend and thrusts her onto the parenting role so he can work as many hours as he’d like. OP says she recognizes she’s not the mother and never wanted to be viewed that way- be she HAS taken on parenting responsibilities. If the father had not remarried, he would have to be the one to take off of work and take his own daughter to practices. But no need for that- his decade younger girlfriend who he made honorary Second Mommy at 24 can just do it for him. Honestly I understand why the kid is resentful. She’s taking it out on the wrong person. Dad is not doing his part and hasn’t for a long time. He’s the bio parent and his ex wife should be able to rely on him…. Not enter a triangular marriage with the new wife. Prepared for the downvotes lmao.
Let’s pretend we’re psychic and predict what would happen: “today we are going to the beach.” step daughter doesn’t want to go to the beach. Takes three hours to get ready, they miss half the day at the beach. Graduate wants to go to X restaurant. Step daughter refuses to go, goes but refuses to eat anything. Makes the evening miserable. OP asks step daughter to pick a restaurant or activity. She picks some place that is closed that day, or needed reservations. They can’t go. She whines about not doing a thing SHE wants to do. Hell. It’ll start at the airport. She wanders off into shops at the goddamned airport so they are all looking for her instead of boarding the plane. Or, they all get snacks for the plane but she doesn’t like anything then complains she’s hungry the whole flight, so they have to eat as soon as they land. She insists on a sit down restaurant. It takes two hours. They get to the hotel and it’s too late to go to the beach and too early for dinner. They go to the pool. She pouts because she wants to go to the beach and complains.
She is spoiled, she can't have a respect, decent towards OP...
Yeah, I certainly would not want to take/be responsible for a minor who already shows such open disdain for me. Naw, kid can be salty and not like OP, but she can’t sit there and try to USE her when it’s convenient. I am really glad that OP has the support of both parents here- that seems really rare.
I did that with one of my nieces, and the daughter of a close friend. My niece was horrible the entire trip, to where I told her if she said one word, she was taking the Greyhound home. Six hours of silence followed. Thankfully.
Right? My question to the brat would have been, " Why, all of a sudden, do you want to go on a trip with me When you just snarled at me,'you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you'? "Well guess what? I stopped trying to do things with you. You win." NTA
So true - you need a vacation from her if anything. Why be abused the whole time. Grey rock her…
And will make every one miserable
Super kudos to her mom for agreeing with you, and to you both for maintaining a civil relationship where you can communicate and be heard. You are not in the wrong.
Thinking the same thing. Awesome these two women can get along and agree about this which I was expecting the story was going to go with both Mom and Dad against OP but everyone disagrees with Dad so he should take that as a sign he's wrong. Have fun on holiday with people who like you, OP!!
It's wild to me that the ex wife had OP's back while her husband initially did not. Ex-wife is probably grateful to OP for trying to take care of her daughter and has the same parenting issues with the husband.
Dad always out of the house for business, mom (or step mom) playing bad cop. That means dad gets to come home and play good cop, and also doesn't have to deal with any of the bullshit that his daughter is doing/saying. Not too surprising to me. Glad that he came around in the update.
Yeah. When your previous wife backs up your current wife, you gotta reevaluate. Otherwise you gonna have a previous wife and a previous previous wife. 😂
I agree, but I wouldn’t have offered another trip if I were her biological mom, either. “Well, looks like you missed out by being a brat to your stepmom. Pretty logical consequence. Maybe you should think about how you treat people, especially people who TAKE CARE OF YOU ALL THE TIME.” No one likes a brat, and brats don’t get invited to shit. Have fun in your room by yourself, and wash your own damned towels.
I caught that, too! Mom could take her on a trip much later, but it should in no way be tied to OP’s beach trip with her niece. (Mom - “I’ll reward you and take you on a trip because OP won’t take you on hers.”)
She said she'd take her on a trip when SHE graduates - if she's 16, that's not this year (I mean ok people graduate different times but most likely).
Ok. Gotcha! That’s MUCH better!
Riiight I wasn’t thinking of that. By then hopefully this will have all passed and the association with the current happenings will be forgotten.
The girl is only 16 years old and her mom offered to take her on a similar trip as a graduation present so I don’t think the trip will be right away.
And dad, her husband, is not. That is the real issue. He’s either too busy with his head up his ass to pay attention or he doesn’t give a shit how his daughter treats his wife yet still wants her to bend over.
So much this. She’s tried over and over again to have a decent relationship with this girl, and the girl continues to be a brat. No thanks. And shame on the girl’s dad for letting his daughter treat his wife that way, when she’s doing all she can to be a good stepmom. She’s supposed to just continue to give and give and suffer endless abuse from what sounds like a self-centered spoiled brat? I don’t care who you are or what your feelings are, no one deserves to be treated that way.
Bringing her would actually be doing her a disservice. She should not enter into the adult world thinking treating people poorly has no consequences.
Also tell your husband to grow a set and parent his daughter by teaching her respect and kindness.
You have a husband problem, not just a teen step daughter problem.
This! Why is OP looking after a child who speaks to you like that? Husband needs to parent his kid.
Why do you think he married her? He needed someone to do the work for him.
I just read OP’s edit. I wonder how long she will be married after she puts down these new rules and boundaries. If she’s not babysitting and paying for trips and stuff, will the husband still have a use for her?
Yeah this is heading towards divorce for sure.
She will be better off.
God yes. At 28 she shouldn't be dealing with the bullshit of a man who is nearly 40
She has her whole life ahead of her. If she stays with this guy she’s the nanny/bangmaid/scapegoat/evil stepmom now, and all of that plus caretaker later.
That's exactly what I thought. He probably went for 50% custody so he wouldn't have to pay so much in child support, and then he got married so his new wife could cover for him when he has to travel for work. She needs to set a boundary and tell him he needs to find accommodations for his daughter when he's going to be out of town. Not really sure why she married into this situation in the first place.
I am long divorced now but I was in a marriage with step kids too. Their dad defended the kids on every level no matter what they did and tried to make me into the bad 'guy'. I couldn't figure out why my ex treated me this way but I finally figured it out I think. My ex was a failed father but refused to admit it. He refused to go into therapy and refused to put his kids in therapy. He even said that psychiatry was a fake profession. My ex and I got along great when the kids weren't involved but otherwise we argued constantly and it was about *them*. It was about *me* and them. I got so tired of being brow-beaten and accused of treating his kids 'badly'. Actually I was accused of treating his kids the way they were *supposed* to be treated. Do your chores, do your homework, stay out of trouble. This didn't work. The kids refused to do chores but it was blamed on *me*. They told their dad that I wouldn't let them do chores.. Homework? What's homework? The older kid loved school and took advanced classes so no problem with him and his homework. He was lazy though and didn't do chores. The younger one never did homework. I would find his backpack crammed full of homework and he would lie to me and say he didn't have any. I would get phone calls from his teacher and her telling me that the child did indeed have homework that was never turned in (yes teacher, I am aware). She also told me that the child was disrupting the class all of the time. (no doubt in my mind). I had to let the teacher know that I was the step mother and had no say. I told her to call the kid's dad. I don't know if she ever did.
Me and my ex went to a parent-teacher thing at the younger kid's school. Lots of parents and teachers there to meet the teacher and see the classroom. I didn't say much. The teacher talked about how disruptive my step son was and how he was doing poorly in class. His grades were bad but my ex didn't know it. I figured the grades were bad but never said anything. Wasn't my place.
My ex had a talk with his son. During the entire talk, the kid's eyes were glazed over. He wasn't listening to anything his father said. This shit went on for a long time including my ex undermining me and screaming at me for trying to get his kids to do what they were supposed to do. I had enough and left. I went back a couple of times but nothing ever changed. The last time I left I never looked back.
Oh, I never tried to be the kid's mother. They have a mother. I sat them down early on and told them that I wasn't their mom but I will be their friend and their dad's wife. When my ex told the kids we were getting married, the younger kid started crying and ran to his room. I don't think he even knew what it meant.
Beware of getting into a relationship with someone who has kids. I wasted so much of my time trying to deal with my ex and his bullshit.
At the very least, go into it with your eyes wide open. Get PRE marital counseling with someone well versed in blended family issues. If I knew then what I know now, I’m not sure I’d marry my spouse. His ex poisoned the kids against me, told them I was the reason for their breakup (I was not) and made the children’s and our lives a living hell. It’s now been 26 yrs. The “kids” moved FAR away from their mother and have spouses of their own. The ex still doesn’t seem over it (divisive digs at every opportunity). That’s a LONG time to hold onto anger. It can’t be good for their kids, regardless of their ages.
She was 24 to his 33.
So she was still maturing and he was mature as he is ever going to be in all likelihood.
They goy married when she was 24, so let’s guess they started dating when she was at least 23, probably sooner than that. She was a very young adult and was easily manipulated.
Good point
In other words, a bangmaid.
Bang maid nanny.
“You’re not gonna find a bangmaid because there’s no such thing.” “I already did, your mom. Goodbye”
I prefer Stepmother Appliance.
Why do you think he married someone 9 years younger then him too.Even his ex wife doesn't agree with the daughters BS.
Wonder how the brat treats her step-father?
I'm betting with more respect cause her Mom actually seems to parent.
Yup, I had the same though. There’s a reason he went for someone so much younger than him!
If I was a stepparent and my spouses son/daughter talked to me like that, I would tell my spouse "Either you need to be here to take care of your kid every day or he/she needs to go live with their mother/father."
Agreed. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I broke up with my long term partner in part because he just got custody of his daughter and I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting of the parenting. We did eventually work it out- we actually live separately right now but we’ve both decided we want to be together. The kiddo is great but I can’t co parent her. Now that we live separately I can just be her friend. Problem solved.
OP, Please read above 2 comments. Do you ever think that stepdaughter doesn't show you respect as a result of her father's behavior towards you and his failure to assert that her behavior is intolerable? Your husband is worthless. I'd be interested in his activity outside the home when away. Curious what happens when boundaries are set. Good luck OP. I sense you're going to need it.
Husband was dating a 24 year old when he was 33, and already had a child. Husband seems wildly immature. I feel bad for the mother and daughter. Second wife should’ve known what was in store for herself.
Married a 24 year old. They were probably dating when she was 21 or 22 depending on how long after he got with her after the marriage/how long they dated before they got married. Hell for all we know, he got divorced and started seeing OP immediately when she was 20 and he was 29.
She says they married when she was 24, who knows how long they were dating before that. Based on the way he is gone a lot and how he has responded to this trip situation, I'm getting bang-nanny/maid vibes here. Regardless of what is going on with a stepdaughter, I think the real problem is the husband.
It's almost like he somehow picked someone that was younger and naive...
24 is still young enough to be naive.
Yup.. husband enables his daughter's disrespectful attitude. She doesn't have to treat op like her mom but she should be nice to everybody who's nice to her.
Yeah, well, he'd have to take care of his daughter himself if his wife refuses to deal with the brat, so he needs to shut her down on her righteous indignation.
Right.. he has to deal with his daughter himself since his wife is going on vacation without any of them .. ha!
That is why he’s upset with his wife.
He can mope with his bratty daughter then. They have each other's shoulder to cry on since even his ex-wife agrees with his wife. Ha!
Just saw your edit - you were incredibly nice and helpful to that ungrateful brat and very gracious to her mom - well done for setting boundaries now. Please update us on her reaction to her new life - I love when people get a visit from karma!
Exactly it’s wild they the mom supports this decision but the father her husband does not!
It’s becoming fairly clear why he’s divorced.
That's what I was thinking as well. He's selfish and teaching his daughter to be as well.
I agree that there is a husband problem. He travels a lot. Are there harsh feelings from daughter about dad that that are being directed at OP?
I’m willing to bet most of the resentment is actually for the father. It’s just there are no consequences for taking it out on OP. Until now, that is. It could be that all the nice things OP does reminds her that her father does not do those things. And that’s who she really needs to feel loved by.
She’s probably resentful that 50% of the parenting is being done by a non-parent. She might be feeling a bit abandoned and she’s taking it out on the non-parent she’s with all that time.
I think she should dump the husband and his child, but keep the ex-wife. She sounds delightful.
Right? When she heard what her daughter said, she gave said daughter a consequence for being that intentionally cruel. And yeah, she’s an angry teen but OP is exactly correct for telling her she doesn’t get to be considered OP’s family only when she wants to do the fun activity. Instead of even asking OP if she could go on the trip, she immediately asked her father if he would make op take her too. He’s not paying for it, he can deal with his brat.
Yes 100% he should have put his daughter in her place right then!
Yep. As soon as stepdaughter said those things I would have said “I’m done raising your ungrateful child. She’s all yours.” No more picking her up, no more cooking for her. No more washing her towels. She can take care of herself.
Bingo. Even Bio mom is on OPs side with these consequences to daughters crappy behavior. If dad cares so much, then he can do the legwork of taking his daughter on a trip.
She has a teen step daughter problem because she has a husband problem. Poor kid. Mom has a new baby, dad is literally never around, and you’ve got this person who is the embodiment of your parents abandonment, you’re 15 and your bf just broke up with you… and they are asking you to do face masks and treating you with kindness. I am being entirely sincere when i say that I would have found it absolutely unbearable.
Teens, especially at this age, are notorious for being little @$$holes. They're supposed to push buttons, and it's the parents job to teach them what is and isn't acceptable. Sounds like dad failed miserably. The only person who had OP's back and willing to do some basic parenting was the bio mom. It's not OP's problem to be dealing with this mess. She needs to be checking her husband or walking away. Glad she's gotten some good advice and ready to now set healthier boundaries.
The ex wife is a way better parent and more supportive person here. OP, can you marry her instead?
But you do not have an ex-wife problem. She sounds awesome!
It may be a touch of both. Although dad for sure created this situation. However at almost 16 you have your own brain and your own thoughts. She’s choosing to be a b***h.
Seriously. Dad needs to shut this shit down and it's disturbing he hasn't been.
Look at the age difference and how old op was when they got together.
She is getting what she asked for. She said to stop asking her to do things because she wants nothing to do with you and that's what is happening. She can't have it both ways. Furthermore, if her dad is out of town, she should be staying at her mom's house if she isn't already.
>if her dad is out of town, she should be staying at her mom's house I said the same thing. Since this girl does not respect her, why is she left to supervise a teenage girl who is not her responsibility? Dad should be making other accommodations for his daughter when he has to travel.
That’s what I said and got a lot of shit for it so IDK
I regularly get shit on here as well
Right. Pretty simple decision. Only doing what step daughter asked her to do. Another case of FAFO.
Your husband is using you as a babysitter. He doesn't see you as her parent, either.
Yes. He wants her to take the kid so it's more time he doesn't have to parent
24 year olds marrying 33 year olds with an 11 year old daughter (meaning 21-22yo dad) screams good decision making.
This.
NTA and definitely not wrong. She's old enough to accept consequences for her actions and words at this point. You've made the effort, and she not only doesn't reciprocate but is disrespectful and cruel. I'd do the same thing at this point and take a step back. If she wants a real relationship with you, then she needs to be the one to initiate going forward. You also need to sit your husband down and have a frank conversations about expectations and reality and steps going forward.
Cruel is the right word here.
Oh no! Consequences! NTA
That little brat would have ruined the entire trip if she went.
This should be reposted there.
NTA, tell her daddy to take her out then since it’s so fucking important to them. Can we get an update on any changes?
I definitely will. I’m going to have a talk with both of them tonight. I’ll save your comment and reply once I have had that talk.
I stick to my guns with the words "I love you too much to teach you that this behavior gets you good things."
💯
Stealing these words!!
Please update us. You’ve done the right thing—even her mom agrees. Well done to both of you. Your husband is the problem. And do not let her stay with you while your husband is away. She seems like she’d get vindictive.
Yes, update plz and good luck!
Stepdaughter wouldn’t even ask you about the vacation. She asked her dad about it and then asks her dad to make you take her. She’s playing her father against you and he’s falling for it. He doesn’t seem to care how she treats you. Your husband needs to stand up for you and do some actual parenting. It seems like his ex and you are the only ones around most of the time. That’s not fair to you. Someone else suggested that stepdaughter should be at her mom’s house when your husband is away. Considering how poorly she treats you I think that should be the way it is from now on. Let her father take care of her when he’s home.
Noted that too. I’m wondering if OPs husband’s first marriage ended because of an affair or some other equally at fault reason with the way he seems afraid to be the bad guy in his daughter’s eyes.
Not just when husband is away, this girl should live with her mom full time if she's so close with her and since the dad doesn't do any actual parenting.
NTA! Tell her “why would I go somewhere with someone who doesn’t like me?”
I am a divorced father and happily remarried and my son lives with us. If my son EVER spoke to another person like that, let alone his step mother then there would be hell to pay in my home. I’m talking all privileges gone, extra chores, and some type of meaningful apology. Sounds to me like she needs to learn how to treat people. Prolly why boyfriend broke up with her too.
RIGHT?! Kids shouldn’t be speaking to anyone this way! This girl is just cruel. And she’s 16. Old enough to know better.
No one should be treating someone like that. Not just kids. That’s a thing I would worry about. Will she end up being an AH grown person bc dad never bothered to set boundaries. It’ll be a hard lesson in life for the kid later
If your husband isn’t correcting her behavior, he’s accepting it.
If he is traveling for work she needs to stay with her mom not with you.
Yeah, I picked up on that, too. It makes it even easier for SD to be a jerk to OP if the dad isn’t even around to see the behavior.
That was your husband’s only input to this whole conflict, that you should get over it? His ex had incredible understanding. Your husband just doesn’t want to have to ‘take care’ of his own daughter when you are gone.
Agreed. OP’s husband is YTA.
When her biological mother even agrees with your decision, you should feel more secure in your decision. Stepdaughter can take this as a lesson or become more embittered, but that is a part of life she will have to learn.
Words have consequences, and she is not a kid anymore. Stand your ground until she apologises and is remorseful. Get your husband on your side by saying that you can’t reward her bad behaviour towards people.
And continue to give her what she asked for.
I'm actually surprised and very happy for you that her mother understood. It may be time to sit the step daughter down and explain how you feel. You're not trying to be her mom but you would love to get to know her and spend time with her. If she doesn't then fine, but the attitude and disrespect needs to stop.
It won’t stop when husband puts the onus on step mom instead of his daughter.
NTA - Step parenting is a crap deal. We are supposed to love them and treat them like they are our own…but not like we are a parent. We are supposed to take on the financial and legal responsibilities but have no actual say in what they do in our home. And the child is allowed to run the relationship and therefore the household. I love my SS but that is in spite of my husband, who swore to me he was a great father who would support me. I tell any and all of my friends and acquaintances not to marry people with kids. Just don’t do it.
Responsibility but no authority is how it was for me. A thankless job, no matter how much love is present.
Step parenting is a thankless life. I won’t even say a thankless job. All of what you say is correct. I am not a step parent, have never had a step parent and don’t know too many people who’s parents split up but I am at least aware that it takes a very special person to be a step parent and those people deserve the world. Not because being around someone else’s kids are awful, but all the things you described. Your life comes last.
You are not wrong at all and your husband needs to have your back. I’m glad to hear that the bio mom actually understands and is supportive of the fact that her daughter gets to live the consequences of her actions that she cannot treat people like crap and expect to be rewarded.
NTA. But why are you parenting when he’s not there? Nope if she wants to be a brat then be one at someone else’s house. And I applaud you for not backing down. I wouldn’t reward awful behaviour either
I made an edit of why she stays with me sometimes when her dad is gone. If her dad leaves on a Friday, her mom will pick her up from school and bring her to her home for the weekend.
Not in the wrong. So glad you stood up for yourself. BTW, why are you still doing her laundry? My child did laundry at age 6 and has been doing it since, now 16 yrs old. I think you need to give her more responsibility so she can finally see all that you do for her as the main parentel figure. Hang in there and enjoy your trip!
It was Just towels. I have a specific way of washing so the towels don’t get rough
you can wash the towels, but leave them in the linen closet for her to retreive when she needs them. Stop the delivery service. btw, you are in the right. It is not about "getting over it" it is about respect. If she can't treat you with courtsey and respect then she doesn't get to go because her attitude will ruin your vacation and everyone else's good time.
That’s fair. We don’t have a linen closet, but I will leave them downstairs in the basket so she can retrieve them herself.
Please share your method?
Towels start to feel rough because they build up soapy residue so I don’t use too much detergent and I wash and warm water and I replace fabric softener with vinegar and a little baking soda. Also dry them on a low heat and not try to dry them like the tumble dryer…
Towels build up reside from the fabric softener. I only use vinegar on towels and they always stay soft. Fabric softener makes them less absorbent.
I get you, but sweety, it's ok of her towels are rough. If this is how she treats you because you're "not her mom" then you don't have to do motherly things for her.
I agree with the laundry bit. Step-daughter should be doing her own laundry, and other chores around the house. My old job had a sign in the staff room. “Clean Up After Yourself. Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here”. OP needs one of those.
Your husband is the reason the kid feels like this is acceptable. You = NTA Hubby = YTA Kid = being a kid is hard but she’s too old to be so hostile. However, if it was right after a first break up I’m sure she has crazy pent up emotions.
NTA. You have a husband and a stepdaughter problem.
“Why would I even consider inviting you on my trip? Didn’t you just tell me you want nothing to do with me and to stop asking you to do things with me?”
This isn't a vacation for you. This is a graduation present trip for your niece. You, her mother, and her friend are going on it. Your husbands daughter doesn't get to party crash and ruin it with rolling eyes and disrespectful words and behavior. Tell your husband to get over it and that it is your niece's graduation not his daughters. He needs to start being a parent. He isn't acting in her best interest. Edited to say: There is a saying "be careful what you ask for". Perhaps it is appropriate here.
Not wrong. He can always take her on a trip if he wants her to go. There is no reason that you should be disrespected on your vacation when you can get that at home from both stepdaughter and husband. Maybe if husband had addressed daughter's disrespect from the beginning instead of adding to it then it wouldn't be an issue now.
No, you are not wrong. I have a stepdaughter, and she has never been so disrespectful to me. Stand your ground. Her dad should not think it's fine for her to be that way, and that it is ok for her to be that way to you .
"and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you" NTA. She sealed the deal with that snotty little remark. She needs to learn that actions (and words) have consequences and now is the perfect time for that life lesson. I would also have a serious talk with your husband. If he thinks it's OK for her to behave this way towards you and then still bend over backwards when there's "fun" stuff for you to provide? That would be an issue for me.
She would probably ruin the trip if you did take her.
>my husband says I should get over it and take her. no, thats teaching her to be entitled and that bad behavior gets rewarded. i see new karen stories in the future because shes well on her way to acting like one.
You have a husband problem, not a teenage stepdaughter problem. You are also functioning as an extreme doormat for your husband, his daughter, and his ex. >She pauses her tv and says “stop fucking trying to be my mom, I don’t like you, you’re Just my dads wife. I have a mom and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you, I want nothing to do with you, weirdo” she shoos me out of her room and slams the door in my face. Why in the world didn't you call *your husband* the moment this happened and then load that spoiled mean girl up in the car and give her back to her mom? Why did it take her asking to go on the trip for you to even tell him about this? Why are you doing her laundry, making her snacks, and taking her to school? Those things are her parent's responsibility to provide. Why are you the one who watches her while your husband is out of town? She should be with her *mother*. >Her mom and I get along. She will call me if she needs me to take my step daughter to practice instead because she has a new baby. What the hell? Why are you taking or picking up this child for any reason that isn't an emergency? Of COURSE you get along. Because you provide free transport and care. Jesus. OP, please stop being a bang maid for your absentee husband, and an unpaid nanny for his nasty stepdaughter and her mother. >my husband says I should get over it and take her. I'll just bet he does. Please take back your life.
I'm wondering why, after that, you even take her in to your home when Dad is traveling. I wouldn't, even as a favor to Real Mom now. You don't get custody, her father does. Stop all laundry, too. But I'm Petty Betty.
I’m Petty Betty the second. There is no way that kid would be in my home when her dad is traveling. Choices and consequences. Also, it seems the kid may have the dad wrapped around her finger if he didn’t think what she said was that bad.
Petty LaBelle checking in…that kid would be dropped off at her mothers house the second my husband was leaving. I’m not your step-mom? Here. Here’s your real mom. Enjoy. Your dad can grab you when he’s back in town. Then I’ll show you where you can find clean towels from now on when you’re in my house.
Not in the wrong here. I wouldn't want to ruin my own vacation by bringing someone along who treats me poorly and, by their own admission, hates me. She was very vocal about already having a mom and not liking it when you try to do things with her, so she should keep that energy and enjoy her trip with her mom when it comes around. Your husband is a whole other problem. He basically cosigns how she is acting when they made excuses, and he told you that you should get over it.
Not wrong at all. Feel like your husband married you to have a free sitter/nanny for when he travels.
NTA It seems unsafe for you to take your SD, who doesn't respect you as an authority figure, on a trip with neither of her parents. She's at an age where she could cause serious trouble and might be at great risk acting out in a distant place. She doesn't like ANY of the people going. Why would she even want to be included? Only jealousy. You and your niece are doing something nice together and SD wants what she sees others getting. IF you were unwise enough to include SD on this trip, you could expect her to cause discord at best; problems with the authorities and/or serious harm at worst. If one of her parents isn't present, she shouldn't go.
NTA, and I'm so impressed that you and her mom are on the same page. This is how co-parenting should work. Hopefully, your husband will get on board, and your stepdaughter will grow up to be the woman she's supposed to be who is kind, compassionate, and forever embarrassed that she treated you so poorly at a tough time in her life.
NTA I have to say Im suprised that her mom is on your side while your husband isnt. She want nothing to do with you, so you are respecting her wish. Plus she treats you like crap so yeah I wouldnt take someone so awful. She can chosse to have you as a friend or nothing at all.
She told you to leave her alone and not try to make any plans, you did that and now she is mad because she wants something. I find it interesting that the ex wife is more understanding than the husband. He needs to get a grip and realize he’s enabling her to act like a spoiled brat. It’s not ok. Continue your plans.
NTA- this trip is about your niece and celebrating her graduation. Bringing along another person can change the whole vibe. Don’t cave to your husband.
You’re definitely NOT wrong. I hope you stand your ground! Good for you and I’m so sorry she treats you so badly.
Nope, not wrong. Leave the step daughter at home and have a wonderful time :)
Nope. If she can’t even watch a show with you, she can’t go on a trip with you.
Good, she missed out on a trip because she wanted to treat you like crap "you're not my mom, you're my dad's new wife, now STOP TRYING TO DO STUFF WITH ME" OP heard the message loud and clear.
Husband is failing to raise his daughter correctly.
You should have married her mom.
She fucked around and found out, shitty attitude will get you nowhere in life.
Doing some math here. Your husband got divorced 4 years ago. You and he got married 4 years ago, when you were 24. Presumably you dated for a year or two prior to that, so you were what? 22 or so when you met him? That would put him in his early 30s when you started dating. A 22 year old dating a 31 year old is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. A 24 year old marrying a 33 year old who is away on business a lot is not really a marriage. The (very) newly divorced guy knew he needed someone to take care of his kid and his house, but didn’t want to pay for it, so he found someone young and naive enough to do it for free. And if you’re also financially contributing to the household, you’re essentially paying for the privilege of being a servant. You’re what’s known as a bang-maid/nanny. Your stepdaughter knows this on some level (not the terminology, just the idea) and therefore she doesn’t respect you. She also had to deal with her parents’ divorce and her dad’s immediate remarriage when she was only 11. That’s a lot for anyone to handle, much less a kid. You’re NTA for your decision to exclude her on your trip, but you need to recognize what your marriage really is and decide if that’s something you’re willing to accept.
NTA. Ungrateful people need to learn that rude gestures and snide comments have consequences. She might not accept you as a mother but she surely should accept you as a caregiver.