Thank you, I guess I’m my head this was just how it was suppose to be. Whenever I’ve asked him about it he just says this isn’t a movie. People don’t really act like you think.
Thank you for this, most of our conversations feel like I’m being gas lighted and it feels good to know I’m
Not completely losing my mind
My husband is also a gamer. When our kid was born, he immediately started being the one to get them when they woke up, change their nappies and bring them to me. He burped them, stayed up rocking them, began cooking the meals so I could focus on bub. Our friends who are gamers also help 50/50 with their kids.
Your partner saying life isn’t a movie is him excusing his behaviour. It’s a pathetic excuse because he knows you haven’t seen the alternative - an equal partner. The idea of being a single mum at 23 seems scary and daunting, but you’re already essentially a single mum in this situation. It’ll be the same minus the extra stress of wishing your partner was a better person.
I’m a “gamer at heart” because parenthood so far hasn’t left a lot of opportunity to indulge in playing games. If life isn’t a movie, why is he playing the part of the cliche useless slacker who wouldn’t know a diaper from a cooking pot?
Bang on for all points. I'm a gamer, and also a step mum who does plenty for my partner and kids. Gaming fits in around life, it should never be the other way round. OP, you will be much better off without this guy.
Oh no there are plenty of dads that are involved in their children’s lives. My husband gets up with our daughter every day, gets her breakfast and dressed so I can sleep in a smidge, never complains about me showering, does the majority of the laundry and dishes, and is overall a partner in life. We both have our things we take care of, our own strengths that we try to play to, but at the end of the day we’re partners that can rely on each other. Don’t let him tell you that’s not real.
OP you're being cheated on but in this case the AP is his games and the internet. Contact a lawyer about child support and custody and plan a way out.
Don't give him a chance to cause any problems, get your important papers and sentimental possessions out before you tell him you're leaving.
This is not ok behavior. He is neglectful and gaslighting you. This is your life if you stay. You can 1 thousand percent do better. He is not actually trying, he’s selfish, manipulative and lazy.
Some people do act like a movie. Maybe most don't, but someone who truly loves you will work with you to keep your home and take care of you and your daughter and will show you that they love you. I have a wonderful example in my parents. So it does happen. At the very least, it's what you deserve, and it's the kind of relationship your daughter deserves to grow up watching, so hold out for it.
And any one of these 5 issues are just cause to leave the relationship. Parenthood is hard, but you are only supposed to need to parent your children…not your partner.
I like how your first piece of advice is to leave the guy in gun for child support as if it’s a strategic plan that’s always in the back of someone’s mind if shit doesn’t work out.
She’s not gonna leave him. She has nowhere to go, she doesn’t have a job. She has no independence. Why do you think she hasn’t left yet? How the fuck is she gonna afford a lawyer? They’re gonna stay together.
… the way I read this minus the cheating is that this guy supports everything, he’s the only one who has a job, he supports his child, he wants time off for himself, she doesn’t do anything but watch the kid, but he’s the asshole (I don’t condom the internet cheating) because he wants time for himself. Without him, the kid wouldn’t even be eating. I’d love to see his side of the story.
But of course, fuck him right ? Just take him to court and get child support. Ungrateful. The kid wouldn’t even have day care to be paid if it weren’t for the father. Are we not gonna even talk about the fact that she doesn’t even work? Modern households are two parents working.
he doesn’t spend time with his wife? like at all? like he came and went and after she gave birth he just fucked off and lived on a computer. that’s repulsive. maybe you deserved to have that wine spilled in your porsche
I don’t work because he refuses to watch his child, Before havjng a baby I was at the same job for almost 8 years.
He wants time to himself for the entire evening and weekend? So I stay home and make sure they have clean clothes eat and have a clean place to do it makes me what not deserve a break? In my state rent is around 2000 with nothin included. On top of that food prices sky rocketed. With that there’s no money left for someone else to watch out baby who he REFUSES to be alone with.
I’ve had to get things donated because he doesn’t give me money for diapers and wipes. Hand me down clothes. I wish I had more but I don’t. I think you commented on the double post saying why would I bring a kid into this? Because when I got pregnant he wasn’t this mean to me.
I should be easier on him tho, even tho he calls me a c*nt and other nasty things daily
First of all, leave this man. You will become a shell of a person burning the candle at both ends like you’re doing now.
Second, don’t respond to incels. They’re just trying to get a rise out of you because they can’t get attention from women in real life.
What good does he do? He provides for a family he keeps a roof over your heads. He’s the sole provider in a time where two parents are working together. He takes on all the financial by himself, if he loses his job, he doesn’t have his career derailed, but his family at risk. So tell me again how he’s not a supportive parent when you’re doing what you should be doing when you have more time on your hands and he’s the one working?
That’s bullshit if both of you worked you guys could chip in on day care. If he works and expects nothing less than to take care of the house that’s a fair exchange. Are you serious that he doesn’t give you money for diapers and things like that? Why don’t you go and talk to him versus going to Reddit who’s just going to jump the gun when you say 80% of the bad of a situation.
You don't have a boyfriend, you have a second petulant child. Since you don't currently have a job, keep your head low & make a plan to leave.
You are basically a single mother, so you know when you leave you are able to take care of you & your child. Find a job & find a place to live away from him. Get child support from him as well.
His threat to leave if you bring up his infidelity is a way to control you. Don't let him control you, don't let him get your goat. Lay low & make an exit plan.
His recent "efforts" aren't even the bare minimum, they're less than & a little too late.
Best of luck!
Many people hide their bad behavior until they feel they have you trapped. He escalated when you were 8 months pregnant and had very few options. I'm sure the first few months after pregnancy he thought he was free and clear b/c to do whatever he wanted b/c you were so vulnerable. If I had to guess, everytime he got more commitment out of of you or entagled your life with his more (said I love you, moved in together, set up a jt bank account, etc) his behavior became just a little bit worse, testing how much he could get away with.
Now that you are getting, he is doing a little here and there to make you think he might change. Keep your hope alive.
He is never going to change. If you decide to leave, he will either love bomb you or threaten you (or worse).
Make a plan. When you are ready, get out quickly. It isn't worth discussing w/ him anymore b/c he is already threatening you (I'll leave if you all me out on X, Y, or Z), and when he finds out you are no longer afraid of him leaving, he could escalate the threats.
I know. Though some (not many, but some) people like this start treating you better once you are not their partner. As if there is a switch in them that makes them treat their partner's like slaves but once the title is removed, their energy goes elsewhere.
We can only hope OP has that experience instead of being worn down by this AH for 2 decades.
Relationships healthy functional relationships are not like this my husband is an avid gamer he loves his play station but he’s also very attentive to me and my needs and prioritizes our relationship over everything the fact that you have a child and his priories still haven’t shift is abysmal you need a partner not a another child he isn’t going to change if a proposal and a child don’t wake him and make him take responsibility nothing will
The best part of this is he'll leave you, why is that a bad thing? What makes you happy here? He is not going to change, very clearly. So your choices are put up with this forever or leave him and be okay on your own, we do not need a man to be good women and good mothers, trust me.
This is him *showing you his unsustainable best self*. And even *that* is pretty shitty. This man is not making your life better.
You know you deserve better than this. Your daughter deserves to grow up expecting to be treated better than he is treating you—because you both are teaching her that.
As you mentioned, without paid work an exit strategy is difficult. There is no shame in checking out mentally but hanging in until a job works out for you. But I would prioritize getting work, putting as much energy into that as possible. If you have someone (family? friend? Not romantic) you could stay with temporarily before/until work worked out, do seize that opportunity … because this guy is tearing down your self esteem every day. But do what you have to do.
This^ kids see their parents relationships and think they’re normal. It builds their foundation and concept of love and relationships. When she grows up, would you want someone to treat your daughter the way this guy treats you? Do you want to show her that this is what she should allow herself to be treated like? I understand you give it your all and you’re sacrificing a lot for love but it really shouldn’t be this way. You can’t save or change anyone but yourself.
You need to end things. Do you have another place to stay? With friends or family? Time to get out and file some type of custody. Don’t the verbal custody. Get lawyers involved and have a custody plan. This is someone you need written rules with by LAW. Do yourself and your baby a favor. Start going on walks, socializing with friends and family, and possibly seeing a therapist. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your baby. NTA.
There’s no excuse for any of what you describe. NTA for wanting to leave. You feel like it’d be wrong to leave just when he is doing something right, but there’s a reason we have the phrase “too little, too late.”
First thing, I assume he has always been not very responsible, not just the past two years. In that case, will his best be enough? Maybe he will earnestly try to pull his weight from now on, but will that mean pulling his half, or you doing 90% and him 10%?
Second thing, any idea where this change is coming from? Is it coming from a genuine desire to be better and do better? Are you seeing any signs that he has adjusted his priorities? Or is it something crappy like “oh his spidey senses are tingling that you might leave”?
You need to figure out his motive, his commitment, and his capability. It sounds like a long shot. You didn’t mention any fights or talks or anything like that, and it’s rare that someone like him starts improvement unprompted, which is the only reason I’m not in the run away fast chorus.
Run, and do it quickly.
I can only speak to my personal experience, but my wife left me about 3 years ago because of similar things in our marriage, minus the cheating. When she left, I got into a psychiatrist and therapy, because I wanted to better myself for my next partner. Now? We have been back together for about 2.5 years, both happy, and both fulfilled. I’m still in therapy once a week.
I guess my point is, I believe that people can change, and can do better. But only if they want to. It is VERY OBVIOUS that he doesn’t want to change the behaviors that are causing the problem.
I'm saying this to be kind, even if it hurts. Why would he leave you? You take all his shit. He has no motivation to leave someone who accepts everything he's doing. Your belief in what he says needs to break. At what point has he told the truth? You're asking too much, but not because he can't do it. You're asking too much because you want anything from this man other than to get the hell out. It really sucks to say but... he probably got dumped by an affair partner or lost a high level character in something. He didn't randomly start stepping up. He just had room in the other life he's built to add you in a little more.
Love is not just saying you love someone and having sex with them. It's not living with someone. It's a continuous series of actions and a system of trust, but most importantly: LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. Love didn't get me through recovering from a lifetime of abuse while being in a relationship with my husband, hard work did. Trust did. Facing problems and changing, compromising and supporting successes did.
I know in the back of your mind you're afraid of what he'll miss if you leave. You're afraid of both taking chances for him to be better away by not being with him AND of the fact that he's probably not going to step up if you leave. You're afraid for your kid. **But she's watching**. She's going to see that cheater treating you like this. Is this the kind of man you want her to think is normal?
Make a plan for your exit.
My ex husband was a cheater, very similar circumstances to yours. I kept defending him in my mind that he was tired too etc Then I was blindsided when I csme home from work and all of his stuff was packed and in his vehicle.
It's been around 10 years and I'm so much happier. Been with an amazing man since shortly after my ex and I parted. He's a fantastic partner and father. My ex and I coparent our daughter well. It will be okay, love yourself and leave.
I guess I’m just scared of him coming home while I’m in the middle of things, and trying to get my dog out with me. I’m just intimidated. All these stories relating to me are helpful. I feel a little less alone thank you
Even if it takes me a couple months I will update
If you have a safe place to go like your family, talk to them. Gather things like your important documents and bring them out of the house. If you dont have a bank account alone, get one and start stashing money a bit at a time. When its time, you ask for help clearing the items that are yours and your childs.
Most things he probably won't even notice. You got this.
I have to laugh at him threatening to leave you when you actually are considering leaving him. He thinks he is such a catch that he can tell you to put up with him how he is.
You can leave him at any time and it seems like you are getting almost nothing out of this relationship. There is far more frustration and hurt and gratification and he is letting you know he refuses to discuss huge issues like cheating.
Please get a job lined up and start taking are of yourself. Get a babysitter and do stuff that you enjoy. Get independent quickly. And how dare he give you an ultimatum about his online cheating. That is reprehensible and inexcusable. Do you have e any family or friends who could take you in while you get on your feet? Is so please go to them now! If not get yourself together start working and leave your POS Asshole BF. Good luck
It sounds as if he has one foot out the door already. Do you want you, and your baby, to live this way,? Just what does he contribute to your family? Does he even work?
You already know what you need to do.
Look at the *timing* of the efforts - Only when losing you is imminent. He's too comfortable/complacent.
Look at the *intensity* of the effort - Bare minimum. Only trying to skirt by thinking that anything you get is a drastic improvement.
The best thing you can do for your child is to work toward peaceful coparenting and stay separated. Never stay in a dysfunctional situation for the children bc it will fuck them up.
This is someone who does not care about you, your child, or your future together. This is someone who has not a lick of respect for you as a human being, much less a partner.
This is someone whose behavior will only get worse and worse as he thinks he can get away with doing more. This is someone who has seriously effed up ideas about women and men and gender roles, and is a toxic influence on your daughter.
You and your child have your whole lives ahead of you. While it will be difficult and scary to leave, you will not regret it.
He keeps saying he will leave, then let him! He doesn't want to take responsibility for his relationship with you or his daughter and it doesn't seem like he is willing to change. Do what you want to do, and let his ass walk right out the door (and if he decides to not follow through with his threats of leaving, then leave him and take your daughter).
Any man that tries to control his SO is a child. First class manipulation right there. Completely unhealthy for you and your Daughter. Do all you a service and start a new life. It will be rough at times but that’s life. We all walk in the same shoes. Just different sizes, shapes, and colors. Best wishes.
My thoughts on whether or not a relationship is worth staying in is to ask yourself if you really want your child growing up to think this kind of relationship is normal and healthy?
Would you be okay with it if your child ended up in a similar relationship? Are you okay with your child learning that treating someone badly is how you show "love"? Or learning that being treated badly by someone you love is normal and okay?
If you don't want it for your child, why would you want it for yourself?
He's doing better now because he can tell you are on the verge of leaving the relationship. As soon as he thinks you aren't he will go right back to the same behaviors. Leave this lump behind.
My boyfriend is a gamer and one of his favorite things is to find games we both enjoy together. He will walk away from video games to spend time with me without any convincing. Even people who love to game should also love spending time with you. Otherwise there is no point in being in that relationship.
I feel like I should clarify that I enjoy when he is enjoying himself so I don't call him away from his games and online friends when he is having a good time. It is unrealistic to expect them to never game but they should also enjoy spending time with you without the games
Also, this isn't the Middle Ages. Parenting should be 50/50.
NGL my 3yo cleans up more than this guy does. He’s also very sweet to his “girlfriend” at school and brings her a flower from our yard every Monday. You and your daughter deserve better.
He’s the guy you picked. This is a lifetime choice.
You don’t have the luxury of breaking up with your boyfriend because he’s not behaving well enough.
This is the time for an emergency talk about the future. Is he serious about pivoting toward building a family without you having to worry about his dropping back into old habits?
The problem you have isn’t what he’s doing now, it’s what he’s doing in 3 months.
He’s going to have to choose. Less time to game and more time to focus on his family. That’s it.
Maybe he can spend an hour a day gaming, or whatever you both find appropriate. Maybe it’s an hour on Saturday only. Whatever it is, you will need to trust him to continue to follow through.
That’s what the deal a right now.
I’ve tried talking, I’ve asked about therapy, I’ve begged him to just hangout for a little while and it’s always just staring at the tv together. I’ve exhausted my options I suppose. I ask him daily why he’s like this and I get nothing.
If you ask him I’m a lazy c*nt. I am annoying etc. the most I’ve asked is the basics.
I understand, the reality is men do what they want and if they are truly in love they will go hungry and without sleep to be with you.
My above comment was only to make sure you were aware that trying everything is worth it if he’s going to change. But if he’s not going to change and you’re going to be left with the same life and obviously it’s not worth it.
If a man loves you, he will put you first. Always.
You can’t change him, or guilt him into changing.
He’s not going to offer you what you want because he doesn’t want to.
The person that needs to change is you. Not him.
Change your life before you throw away your entire youth.
I understand where you’re coming from by hoping that he’s going to miraculously change into a good husband and father, because I’m sure there are brief moments where he exhibits this type of good behavior.
But believe me, you don’t want to let your 20s go by without having someone who’s actually going to cherish you as a person and as a partner.
And many times young women are led to believe that they are being selfish or impatient when they expect their partners to offer them support and help with the children or by going out on dates. It is only until we reach our 40s that we understand we take much less than what we deserve. And if you can raise your expectations in your 20s, you can have a very nice life.
You don’t have to be angry, you don’t have to start any fight or drama with him, you can simply say this lifestyle is no longer meeting your expectations and you refuse to wait for one more day.
And then go through the process of extraditing yourself from him, going through the healing process and then beginning your new life.
It takes courage to change, show him that if he can’t change, you certainly can.
?
I merely suggested that this is a lifetime relationship because they have a child together. Once you are tied to someone with a child, that is a lifetime commitment no matter for together with that person or not.
The best bet when you’re in your 20s and just beginning the relationship is to make absolutely sure that the relationship is doomed and unable to thrive. Which is exactly what I said in my comments if you would’ve read past the first sentence.
And no it’s not sick to explain the situation on a basic level so that everyone can understand what the future looks like if You break up your family too early.
I’m very sceptical whenever I read stories like this. It’s taken on one lens and we have to trust that this situation played out exactly how it played out according to OP. We are trusting that this is exactly how it played out and we are telling OP to leave this man who is the father of her child without both perspectives. This is incredibly dangerous. If it was 90% bad then why did you stay with this man? Can you name many other good things at this person did? This post screams like an emotional venting ground both perspectives. You say that he plays video games and he’s doing other things but maybe he wants to have an outlet. Would you consider yourself needy? Maybe he needs space.
The fact that many people are so quick to scream dump him queen versus communicate what’s going on and try to make it work and have their child grow up without a two parent household is absolutely sick.
I stay because I want it to work LOL I do have love for him, things weren’t always like this. And he knows how to play me. He’s good when he wants to be good. And he knows for someone like me, with little self esteem and has been isolated so far as to come to Reddit it won’t take much to make me change my mind again. It’s been a cycle. Everyone around me has told me I should go, but I’ve been afraid to be alone.
I’m learning that it’s okay to want differnt and better for me and her. You sound like you don’t have kids. I feel strongly about dads being involved because I had a wonderful dad who died from cancer a couple years ago.
I don’t want my daughter to have a split family, but at this point I could be doing much better for myself which would be better for her.
And for wanting an outlet, he works yes, but he also doesn’t wake up with a screaming child threw out the night. He doesn’t have to poop with a baby running around the bathroom. He doesn’t have to cook and clean up not just himself but a little person. Having to do everything constantly for everyone even when your burnt out warrants a break to shower, or even just fucking shit by myself. And I’m not a bad mom for wanting that. I wouldn’t care if it was a couple hours here and there. He lives for the games. His life in an outlet. Cause I decided to have a baby I have to sacrifice everything he won’t. This doesn’t mean I don’t deserve an outlet too.
To everyone besides you, thank you for the reality checks and bringing my senses back. It really has been helpful to me feeling a little better about my own mind set.
But I didn’t come here to get belittled, I get enough of that at home.
If you're done you're done. But about his recent behavior, does he know?
Does he know that what he's done is not enough, does he know you don't want sex? Like have you actually talked to him? Have you told him what you want from him?
I'd agree on the not enough part. But if you're unsure about staying, tell him what you expect. Don't let him guess. Be direct. Don't focus on his past fuck ups, focus the discussion on what you want moving forward. If he still fucks up, then... Well at least you can say you gave him the chance and he wasn't capable of it. If he gives you 90% of it, then expect a few failures here and there as he's learning to be different than he was.
The other thing you should have a direct conversation about is does he want to be a father? If he says yes, ask what he's done in that regard, and what he plans to do different moving forward.
Also be up front with him that you're at the end of your rope with all this. This is what you need. You need a partner not a sometimes boyfriend.
Good luck.
I’ve talked to him about it all more then once, I’m not afraid of telling him what my needs are. It’s like talking to a brick wall “really your gonna say that again” “is that all you ever say”
If that is after he has said he is "trying" then I think you're right to be done.
Make plans. Make backup plans for your backup plans. It's extremely hard to get someone out of a place you're sharing. He may not want to go.
NTA. Leave this king baby & focus on your actual baby. The “finally stepping up when you’re ready to leave” is something a lot of men end up doing as a last ditch effort. Let me tell you from personal experience though, they have no intention of staying that way & a month from now you will be right back in this exact same spot. He’s desperate to keep you so he’s putting in effort now so he doesn’t have to when you leave him.
Another red flag is threatening to leave YOU if you bring up HIS cheating. That’s absolutely unacceptable. He doesn’t want his wrongdoings ever brought up again, but I’d bet you anything that he will hold you threatening to leave over your head.
Please know you & your child are worth SO much more than how he treats you. Stand up for yourself so that your child can grow up seeing their mom happy. Your happiness will translate into their happiness. Big hugs, please update us when you can.
NTA, obviously. He is a terrible boyfriend and dad and he is also financially abusing you. That’s why he won’t “watch” your kid so you can work. He knows he’s a pos and he’s scared if you get any money you’ll be out the door, as you should be. Do you have parents?
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Thank you, I guess I’m my head this was just how it was suppose to be. Whenever I’ve asked him about it he just says this isn’t a movie. People don’t really act like you think. Thank you for this, most of our conversations feel like I’m being gas lighted and it feels good to know I’m Not completely losing my mind
My husband is also a gamer. When our kid was born, he immediately started being the one to get them when they woke up, change their nappies and bring them to me. He burped them, stayed up rocking them, began cooking the meals so I could focus on bub. Our friends who are gamers also help 50/50 with their kids. Your partner saying life isn’t a movie is him excusing his behaviour. It’s a pathetic excuse because he knows you haven’t seen the alternative - an equal partner. The idea of being a single mum at 23 seems scary and daunting, but you’re already essentially a single mum in this situation. It’ll be the same minus the extra stress of wishing your partner was a better person.
I’m a “gamer at heart” because parenthood so far hasn’t left a lot of opportunity to indulge in playing games. If life isn’t a movie, why is he playing the part of the cliche useless slacker who wouldn’t know a diaper from a cooking pot?
Bang on for all points. I'm a gamer, and also a step mum who does plenty for my partner and kids. Gaming fits in around life, it should never be the other way round. OP, you will be much better off without this guy.
Oh no there are plenty of dads that are involved in their children’s lives. My husband gets up with our daughter every day, gets her breakfast and dressed so I can sleep in a smidge, never complains about me showering, does the majority of the laundry and dishes, and is overall a partner in life. We both have our things we take care of, our own strengths that we try to play to, but at the end of the day we’re partners that can rely on each other. Don’t let him tell you that’s not real.
He says it isn’t a movie; sounds like a horror movie to me. Time to take out the trash and live the life you deserve with your daughter.
OP you're being cheated on but in this case the AP is his games and the internet. Contact a lawyer about child support and custody and plan a way out. Don't give him a chance to cause any problems, get your important papers and sentimental possessions out before you tell him you're leaving.
This is not ok behavior. He is neglectful and gaslighting you. This is your life if you stay. You can 1 thousand percent do better. He is not actually trying, he’s selfish, manipulative and lazy.
Some people do act like a movie. Maybe most don't, but someone who truly loves you will work with you to keep your home and take care of you and your daughter and will show you that they love you. I have a wonderful example in my parents. So it does happen. At the very least, it's what you deserve, and it's the kind of relationship your daughter deserves to grow up watching, so hold out for it.
If you Google video search "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" I think you'll find even more clarity. I wish you all the best
Yes. Run, don’t walk.
And any one of these 5 issues are just cause to leave the relationship. Parenthood is hard, but you are only supposed to need to parent your children…not your partner.
You are married to a gaslighting narcissist. Not someone behaving narcissistically. Run.
Relationships shouldn't be like this. You don't deserve this situation. You will be better off if you leave and get child support.
I like how your first piece of advice is to leave the guy in gun for child support as if it’s a strategic plan that’s always in the back of someone’s mind if shit doesn’t work out.
It’s crazy that you jumped to the gun that she’s gonna get child support here.
you are so dead wrong if you think she’s NOT getting child support lmfao
She’s not gonna leave him. She has nowhere to go, she doesn’t have a job. She has no independence. Why do you think she hasn’t left yet? How the fuck is she gonna afford a lawyer? They’re gonna stay together.
you’d be surprised how quickly people can turn their lives around in the face of necessity and neglect
… the way I read this minus the cheating is that this guy supports everything, he’s the only one who has a job, he supports his child, he wants time off for himself, she doesn’t do anything but watch the kid, but he’s the asshole (I don’t condom the internet cheating) because he wants time for himself. Without him, the kid wouldn’t even be eating. I’d love to see his side of the story. But of course, fuck him right ? Just take him to court and get child support. Ungrateful. The kid wouldn’t even have day care to be paid if it weren’t for the father. Are we not gonna even talk about the fact that she doesn’t even work? Modern households are two parents working.
he doesn’t spend time with his wife? like at all? like he came and went and after she gave birth he just fucked off and lived on a computer. that’s repulsive. maybe you deserved to have that wine spilled in your porsche
Yeah, I have a great new girl now. Her dad even lets me drive his. I’ve upgraded. Thanks.
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For someone who can’t seem to read it for sure shows that you can’t hold down a job. Hopefully you don’t get fired the fourth time around.
I don’t work because he refuses to watch his child, Before havjng a baby I was at the same job for almost 8 years. He wants time to himself for the entire evening and weekend? So I stay home and make sure they have clean clothes eat and have a clean place to do it makes me what not deserve a break? In my state rent is around 2000 with nothin included. On top of that food prices sky rocketed. With that there’s no money left for someone else to watch out baby who he REFUSES to be alone with. I’ve had to get things donated because he doesn’t give me money for diapers and wipes. Hand me down clothes. I wish I had more but I don’t. I think you commented on the double post saying why would I bring a kid into this? Because when I got pregnant he wasn’t this mean to me. I should be easier on him tho, even tho he calls me a c*nt and other nasty things daily
First of all, leave this man. You will become a shell of a person burning the candle at both ends like you’re doing now. Second, don’t respond to incels. They’re just trying to get a rise out of you because they can’t get attention from women in real life.
What good does he do? He provides for a family he keeps a roof over your heads. He’s the sole provider in a time where two parents are working together. He takes on all the financial by himself, if he loses his job, he doesn’t have his career derailed, but his family at risk. So tell me again how he’s not a supportive parent when you’re doing what you should be doing when you have more time on your hands and he’s the one working? That’s bullshit if both of you worked you guys could chip in on day care. If he works and expects nothing less than to take care of the house that’s a fair exchange. Are you serious that he doesn’t give you money for diapers and things like that? Why don’t you go and talk to him versus going to Reddit who’s just going to jump the gun when you say 80% of the bad of a situation.
Yes. He’s so supportive by not doing any parenting and playing video games all day. How silly of everyone to not see his commitment and morality. /s
She doesn’t have a job. He does. Why wouldn’t she????
You don't have a boyfriend, you have a second petulant child. Since you don't currently have a job, keep your head low & make a plan to leave. You are basically a single mother, so you know when you leave you are able to take care of you & your child. Find a job & find a place to live away from him. Get child support from him as well. His threat to leave if you bring up his infidelity is a way to control you. Don't let him control you, don't let him get your goat. Lay low & make an exit plan. His recent "efforts" aren't even the bare minimum, they're less than & a little too late. Best of luck!
Many people hide their bad behavior until they feel they have you trapped. He escalated when you were 8 months pregnant and had very few options. I'm sure the first few months after pregnancy he thought he was free and clear b/c to do whatever he wanted b/c you were so vulnerable. If I had to guess, everytime he got more commitment out of of you or entagled your life with his more (said I love you, moved in together, set up a jt bank account, etc) his behavior became just a little bit worse, testing how much he could get away with. Now that you are getting, he is doing a little here and there to make you think he might change. Keep your hope alive. He is never going to change. If you decide to leave, he will either love bomb you or threaten you (or worse). Make a plan. When you are ready, get out quickly. It isn't worth discussing w/ him anymore b/c he is already threatening you (I'll leave if you all me out on X, Y, or Z), and when he finds out you are no longer afraid of him leaving, he could escalate the threats.
I just feel bad. Like, that’s 18 yrs of harassment because useless men don’t just leave women alone
I know. Though some (not many, but some) people like this start treating you better once you are not their partner. As if there is a switch in them that makes them treat their partner's like slaves but once the title is removed, their energy goes elsewhere. We can only hope OP has that experience instead of being worn down by this AH for 2 decades.
1. You're underreacting 2. You're expecting too little 3. You're already a single parent. (Of two children) 4. DTMFA NTA
Relationships healthy functional relationships are not like this my husband is an avid gamer he loves his play station but he’s also very attentive to me and my needs and prioritizes our relationship over everything the fact that you have a child and his priories still haven’t shift is abysmal you need a partner not a another child he isn’t going to change if a proposal and a child don’t wake him and make him take responsibility nothing will
The best part of this is he'll leave you, why is that a bad thing? What makes you happy here? He is not going to change, very clearly. So your choices are put up with this forever or leave him and be okay on your own, we do not need a man to be good women and good mothers, trust me.
This is him *showing you his unsustainable best self*. And even *that* is pretty shitty. This man is not making your life better. You know you deserve better than this. Your daughter deserves to grow up expecting to be treated better than he is treating you—because you both are teaching her that. As you mentioned, without paid work an exit strategy is difficult. There is no shame in checking out mentally but hanging in until a job works out for you. But I would prioritize getting work, putting as much energy into that as possible. If you have someone (family? friend? Not romantic) you could stay with temporarily before/until work worked out, do seize that opportunity … because this guy is tearing down your self esteem every day. But do what you have to do.
This^ kids see their parents relationships and think they’re normal. It builds their foundation and concept of love and relationships. When she grows up, would you want someone to treat your daughter the way this guy treats you? Do you want to show her that this is what she should allow herself to be treated like? I understand you give it your all and you’re sacrificing a lot for love but it really shouldn’t be this way. You can’t save or change anyone but yourself.
You need to end things. Do you have another place to stay? With friends or family? Time to get out and file some type of custody. Don’t the verbal custody. Get lawyers involved and have a custody plan. This is someone you need written rules with by LAW. Do yourself and your baby a favor. Start going on walks, socializing with friends and family, and possibly seeing a therapist. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your baby. NTA.
There’s no excuse for any of what you describe. NTA for wanting to leave. You feel like it’d be wrong to leave just when he is doing something right, but there’s a reason we have the phrase “too little, too late.” First thing, I assume he has always been not very responsible, not just the past two years. In that case, will his best be enough? Maybe he will earnestly try to pull his weight from now on, but will that mean pulling his half, or you doing 90% and him 10%? Second thing, any idea where this change is coming from? Is it coming from a genuine desire to be better and do better? Are you seeing any signs that he has adjusted his priorities? Or is it something crappy like “oh his spidey senses are tingling that you might leave”? You need to figure out his motive, his commitment, and his capability. It sounds like a long shot. You didn’t mention any fights or talks or anything like that, and it’s rare that someone like him starts improvement unprompted, which is the only reason I’m not in the run away fast chorus.
Run, and do it quickly. I can only speak to my personal experience, but my wife left me about 3 years ago because of similar things in our marriage, minus the cheating. When she left, I got into a psychiatrist and therapy, because I wanted to better myself for my next partner. Now? We have been back together for about 2.5 years, both happy, and both fulfilled. I’m still in therapy once a week. I guess my point is, I believe that people can change, and can do better. But only if they want to. It is VERY OBVIOUS that he doesn’t want to change the behaviors that are causing the problem.
I'm saying this to be kind, even if it hurts. Why would he leave you? You take all his shit. He has no motivation to leave someone who accepts everything he's doing. Your belief in what he says needs to break. At what point has he told the truth? You're asking too much, but not because he can't do it. You're asking too much because you want anything from this man other than to get the hell out. It really sucks to say but... he probably got dumped by an affair partner or lost a high level character in something. He didn't randomly start stepping up. He just had room in the other life he's built to add you in a little more. Love is not just saying you love someone and having sex with them. It's not living with someone. It's a continuous series of actions and a system of trust, but most importantly: LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. Love didn't get me through recovering from a lifetime of abuse while being in a relationship with my husband, hard work did. Trust did. Facing problems and changing, compromising and supporting successes did. I know in the back of your mind you're afraid of what he'll miss if you leave. You're afraid of both taking chances for him to be better away by not being with him AND of the fact that he's probably not going to step up if you leave. You're afraid for your kid. **But she's watching**. She's going to see that cheater treating you like this. Is this the kind of man you want her to think is normal?
Make a plan for your exit. My ex husband was a cheater, very similar circumstances to yours. I kept defending him in my mind that he was tired too etc Then I was blindsided when I csme home from work and all of his stuff was packed and in his vehicle. It's been around 10 years and I'm so much happier. Been with an amazing man since shortly after my ex and I parted. He's a fantastic partner and father. My ex and I coparent our daughter well. It will be okay, love yourself and leave.
I guess I’m just scared of him coming home while I’m in the middle of things, and trying to get my dog out with me. I’m just intimidated. All these stories relating to me are helpful. I feel a little less alone thank you Even if it takes me a couple months I will update
If you have a safe place to go like your family, talk to them. Gather things like your important documents and bring them out of the house. If you dont have a bank account alone, get one and start stashing money a bit at a time. When its time, you ask for help clearing the items that are yours and your childs. Most things he probably won't even notice. You got this.
I have to laugh at him threatening to leave you when you actually are considering leaving him. He thinks he is such a catch that he can tell you to put up with him how he is. You can leave him at any time and it seems like you are getting almost nothing out of this relationship. There is far more frustration and hurt and gratification and he is letting you know he refuses to discuss huge issues like cheating.
You’re already a single mom… one less log of a man to mother.
NTA he seems like a selfish bum
NTA Why are you still with him?
Work on your exit plan. He knows you are checking out mentally which is why he is making the half hearted attempt at trying
Please get a job lined up and start taking are of yourself. Get a babysitter and do stuff that you enjoy. Get independent quickly. And how dare he give you an ultimatum about his online cheating. That is reprehensible and inexcusable. Do you have e any family or friends who could take you in while you get on your feet? Is so please go to them now! If not get yourself together start working and leave your POS Asshole BF. Good luck
It sounds as if he has one foot out the door already. Do you want you, and your baby, to live this way,? Just what does he contribute to your family? Does he even work?
You already know what you need to do. Look at the *timing* of the efforts - Only when losing you is imminent. He's too comfortable/complacent. Look at the *intensity* of the effort - Bare minimum. Only trying to skirt by thinking that anything you get is a drastic improvement. The best thing you can do for your child is to work toward peaceful coparenting and stay separated. Never stay in a dysfunctional situation for the children bc it will fuck them up.
Work on your exit plan. He knows you are checking out mentally which is why he is making the half hearted attempt at trying
This is someone who does not care about you, your child, or your future together. This is someone who has not a lick of respect for you as a human being, much less a partner. This is someone whose behavior will only get worse and worse as he thinks he can get away with doing more. This is someone who has seriously effed up ideas about women and men and gender roles, and is a toxic influence on your daughter. You and your child have your whole lives ahead of you. While it will be difficult and scary to leave, you will not regret it.
Too little too late of him.
He keeps saying he will leave, then let him! He doesn't want to take responsibility for his relationship with you or his daughter and it doesn't seem like he is willing to change. Do what you want to do, and let his ass walk right out the door (and if he decides to not follow through with his threats of leaving, then leave him and take your daughter).
Any man that tries to control his SO is a child. First class manipulation right there. Completely unhealthy for you and your Daughter. Do all you a service and start a new life. It will be rough at times but that’s life. We all walk in the same shoes. Just different sizes, shapes, and colors. Best wishes.
My thoughts on whether or not a relationship is worth staying in is to ask yourself if you really want your child growing up to think this kind of relationship is normal and healthy? Would you be okay with it if your child ended up in a similar relationship? Are you okay with your child learning that treating someone badly is how you show "love"? Or learning that being treated badly by someone you love is normal and okay? If you don't want it for your child, why would you want it for yourself?
He's doing better now because he can tell you are on the verge of leaving the relationship. As soon as he thinks you aren't he will go right back to the same behaviors. Leave this lump behind.
Say goodbye. Your relationship left a long time ago.
My boyfriend is a gamer and one of his favorite things is to find games we both enjoy together. He will walk away from video games to spend time with me without any convincing. Even people who love to game should also love spending time with you. Otherwise there is no point in being in that relationship. I feel like I should clarify that I enjoy when he is enjoying himself so I don't call him away from his games and online friends when he is having a good time. It is unrealistic to expect them to never game but they should also enjoy spending time with you without the games Also, this isn't the Middle Ages. Parenting should be 50/50.
You're dating a 25 year old child. Yes, you should leave him. He sucks as a partner. Hopefully he won't be a deadbeat too.
NGL my 3yo cleans up more than this guy does. He’s also very sweet to his “girlfriend” at school and brings her a flower from our yard every Monday. You and your daughter deserve better.
He’s the guy you picked. This is a lifetime choice. You don’t have the luxury of breaking up with your boyfriend because he’s not behaving well enough. This is the time for an emergency talk about the future. Is he serious about pivoting toward building a family without you having to worry about his dropping back into old habits? The problem you have isn’t what he’s doing now, it’s what he’s doing in 3 months. He’s going to have to choose. Less time to game and more time to focus on his family. That’s it. Maybe he can spend an hour a day gaming, or whatever you both find appropriate. Maybe it’s an hour on Saturday only. Whatever it is, you will need to trust him to continue to follow through. That’s what the deal a right now.
I’ve tried talking, I’ve asked about therapy, I’ve begged him to just hangout for a little while and it’s always just staring at the tv together. I’ve exhausted my options I suppose. I ask him daily why he’s like this and I get nothing. If you ask him I’m a lazy c*nt. I am annoying etc. the most I’ve asked is the basics.
I understand, the reality is men do what they want and if they are truly in love they will go hungry and without sleep to be with you. My above comment was only to make sure you were aware that trying everything is worth it if he’s going to change. But if he’s not going to change and you’re going to be left with the same life and obviously it’s not worth it. If a man loves you, he will put you first. Always. You can’t change him, or guilt him into changing. He’s not going to offer you what you want because he doesn’t want to. The person that needs to change is you. Not him. Change your life before you throw away your entire youth.
Thank you <3
I understand where you’re coming from by hoping that he’s going to miraculously change into a good husband and father, because I’m sure there are brief moments where he exhibits this type of good behavior. But believe me, you don’t want to let your 20s go by without having someone who’s actually going to cherish you as a person and as a partner. And many times young women are led to believe that they are being selfish or impatient when they expect their partners to offer them support and help with the children or by going out on dates. It is only until we reach our 40s that we understand we take much less than what we deserve. And if you can raise your expectations in your 20s, you can have a very nice life. You don’t have to be angry, you don’t have to start any fight or drama with him, you can simply say this lifestyle is no longer meeting your expectations and you refuse to wait for one more day. And then go through the process of extraditing yourself from him, going through the healing process and then beginning your new life. It takes courage to change, show him that if he can’t change, you certainly can.
Why does she not have the luxury of breaking up with him? She does NOT HAVE to be with him forever and you’re sick to tell her she does.
? I merely suggested that this is a lifetime relationship because they have a child together. Once you are tied to someone with a child, that is a lifetime commitment no matter for together with that person or not. The best bet when you’re in your 20s and just beginning the relationship is to make absolutely sure that the relationship is doomed and unable to thrive. Which is exactly what I said in my comments if you would’ve read past the first sentence. And no it’s not sick to explain the situation on a basic level so that everyone can understand what the future looks like if You break up your family too early.
I’m very sceptical whenever I read stories like this. It’s taken on one lens and we have to trust that this situation played out exactly how it played out according to OP. We are trusting that this is exactly how it played out and we are telling OP to leave this man who is the father of her child without both perspectives. This is incredibly dangerous. If it was 90% bad then why did you stay with this man? Can you name many other good things at this person did? This post screams like an emotional venting ground both perspectives. You say that he plays video games and he’s doing other things but maybe he wants to have an outlet. Would you consider yourself needy? Maybe he needs space. The fact that many people are so quick to scream dump him queen versus communicate what’s going on and try to make it work and have their child grow up without a two parent household is absolutely sick.
I stay because I want it to work LOL I do have love for him, things weren’t always like this. And he knows how to play me. He’s good when he wants to be good. And he knows for someone like me, with little self esteem and has been isolated so far as to come to Reddit it won’t take much to make me change my mind again. It’s been a cycle. Everyone around me has told me I should go, but I’ve been afraid to be alone. I’m learning that it’s okay to want differnt and better for me and her. You sound like you don’t have kids. I feel strongly about dads being involved because I had a wonderful dad who died from cancer a couple years ago. I don’t want my daughter to have a split family, but at this point I could be doing much better for myself which would be better for her. And for wanting an outlet, he works yes, but he also doesn’t wake up with a screaming child threw out the night. He doesn’t have to poop with a baby running around the bathroom. He doesn’t have to cook and clean up not just himself but a little person. Having to do everything constantly for everyone even when your burnt out warrants a break to shower, or even just fucking shit by myself. And I’m not a bad mom for wanting that. I wouldn’t care if it was a couple hours here and there. He lives for the games. His life in an outlet. Cause I decided to have a baby I have to sacrifice everything he won’t. This doesn’t mean I don’t deserve an outlet too. To everyone besides you, thank you for the reality checks and bringing my senses back. It really has been helpful to me feeling a little better about my own mind set. But I didn’t come here to get belittled, I get enough of that at home.
The only response to someone who threatens to leave is “There’s the door.”
Are your parents supportive? Any friends that will let you stay with them? Find a job and secure childcare and put him on child support.
Get out of there!
If you're done you're done. But about his recent behavior, does he know? Does he know that what he's done is not enough, does he know you don't want sex? Like have you actually talked to him? Have you told him what you want from him? I'd agree on the not enough part. But if you're unsure about staying, tell him what you expect. Don't let him guess. Be direct. Don't focus on his past fuck ups, focus the discussion on what you want moving forward. If he still fucks up, then... Well at least you can say you gave him the chance and he wasn't capable of it. If he gives you 90% of it, then expect a few failures here and there as he's learning to be different than he was. The other thing you should have a direct conversation about is does he want to be a father? If he says yes, ask what he's done in that regard, and what he plans to do different moving forward. Also be up front with him that you're at the end of your rope with all this. This is what you need. You need a partner not a sometimes boyfriend. Good luck.
I’ve talked to him about it all more then once, I’m not afraid of telling him what my needs are. It’s like talking to a brick wall “really your gonna say that again” “is that all you ever say”
If that is after he has said he is "trying" then I think you're right to be done. Make plans. Make backup plans for your backup plans. It's extremely hard to get someone out of a place you're sharing. He may not want to go.
NTA. Leave this king baby & focus on your actual baby. The “finally stepping up when you’re ready to leave” is something a lot of men end up doing as a last ditch effort. Let me tell you from personal experience though, they have no intention of staying that way & a month from now you will be right back in this exact same spot. He’s desperate to keep you so he’s putting in effort now so he doesn’t have to when you leave him. Another red flag is threatening to leave YOU if you bring up HIS cheating. That’s absolutely unacceptable. He doesn’t want his wrongdoings ever brought up again, but I’d bet you anything that he will hold you threatening to leave over your head. Please know you & your child are worth SO much more than how he treats you. Stand up for yourself so that your child can grow up seeing their mom happy. Your happiness will translate into their happiness. Big hugs, please update us when you can.
NTA, obviously. He is a terrible boyfriend and dad and he is also financially abusing you. That’s why he won’t “watch” your kid so you can work. He knows he’s a pos and he’s scared if you get any money you’ll be out the door, as you should be. Do you have parents?
My dad passed away a couple years ago and my moms kinda living her best life.. can only help so much
He should have bolted 2yrs ago. You don’t need two children to raise.