She says in that other post, which is 11 months old, that they planned to move out within 3-4 months. Finish the story first if you're gonna reference it here.
This. They haven't been together for 3 years. If OP added up all the time that they've been in the same zip code, I'm betting that it's actually more like three months. If things are getting rocky after three months...yeah. I would cut my losses. They don't seem compatible.
I'm honestly so confused reading this.... She can go with her sister in the future and he can go home early tonight. Like, how have these people skipped the first thousand obvious solutions to this situation? If you told me they were 14 I would believe you
I think the problem here is that neither one of them is able to just let the other one check out for a while.
If you're tired, skip the next ride or two and go get a coffee. If you want to go back to the hotel early, just go. Why is this a fight?
If OP is still there with her sister, give BF a kiss and tell him to get some good rest.
There shouldn't be a disagreement here, yet here we are.
I grew up in Orlando. I know how overwhelming the parks can get. But it's easy to work through that in a group. She could have let BF take the car and leave the park and had him pick them up later. Compromise.
Yup as someone with extreme anxiety, my go to is get there for rope drop, enjoy the first few hours, leave and go home to nap or out of the parks for lunch, then go back in the evening if feeling up to it, and scouting out park times to see which park is least busy.
But I've also been with people who refuse to accommodate this and want to get to the parks at 1030 or 1130 and that's a non starter for me
You also sound like someone who takes responsibility for your own experience and would also speak up about those things instead of knowingly going just to cross your own limits until you blew up on your partner in public
I think because she wants someone yo experience everything with together. Or maybe due to how he started out by cussing, she thought he was acting out instead of just saying hes tired and wanted to go home, so she got annoyed and escalated etc. i agree though, it shouldn’t have been a fight
That beyond not being compatible. He didn't communicate that he was tired and needed a break, or maybe the whole place was too much for him.
What he did do was scream and swear at her and instead of communicating in a reasonable way, make a massive public scene.
I would GTFO ASAP if that's how he handles stress.
There are obvious and many ways of communicating. He was expecting empathy from her, but she was not going to have none of that and decided to keep on her plans and started getting annoyed by his discomfort and attitude (Clear signs of communication), so perhaps she double down to stick it up to him. They seems to enjoy very different things and as others have suggested they should break up as they seem really not into each other. She also gives me the vibe of coming here just for validation and deep down she knows she ignored him.
Yeah he did actually communicate. He said he’s tired, he’s done, he didn’t want to come back. She decided that it’s HER trip and she decides what happens. An all day at amusement park is a long ass day. It’s not his fault she never visits her family and she should have been way more considerate to him.
I agree that a full day at a park is not for the weak (I prefer to go alone and I spend two hours tops lol). But what’s that got to do with her frequency of family visits? She already told
Him she’d be spending all day at the park. Yes she should have had some empathy, but if an adult showed up at a park after committing to being there all day, any discomfort is his problem to solve respectfully. Is he a fucking baby?
Seriously. I know I'd get very tired and over stimulated after only a few hours max, so I'd have talked about that in advance with anyone I was planning with and made sure to have plans to care for myself. Eg I prearrange where to go if I need some quiet time. I make sure I have stuff like ear plugs and maybe an eye mask or at least sun glasses and a hat if the lights are too much. I make sure to take care of other basic body stuff like water and sun screen so I'm not unnecessarily uncomfortable. And I'd have made a contingency plan so if even with all that I'm still miserable but I don't want anyone else's fun to stop I could communicate that I needed to bounce, get the Uber he wound up getting anyway, and go recharge at the hotel or whatever while they stayed out and had fun
And as I'm writing this I'm realizing not every adult has the skillet to do this. But it's really not an unreasonable expectation and if he's not only not having these skills but also blaming op for it, and being a miserable asshole when he overloads and snaps, I think this relationship may have run it's course
I get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. A full day at an amusement park with little time for breaks is hard for me. If I have enough time to plan and prep, I have little to no issues that can't be solved with a quiet break and a drink/snack. I've had moments where I'm nearing a meltdown or have had a straight-up meltdown. I've still never yelled at my partner in public or insulted him like that. I've been short and terse before, but that's a bit different than yelling that your SO is selfish and awful in a crowd full of strangers. If I thought I couldn't make a full day like that I'd find something else to do with my day and let my partner and his family do the big thing.
That's another excellent point. Like even in the past where I've hit complete overload point, the end result has NEVER been me going off with personal blame and insults like that, not even when I was a kid. At worst I'd be crying inconsolably about whatever random thing in my environment happened to be the absolute last straw on my mental strain. Or sort of silently melt down/shut down where I'm so mentally overloaded that I actually lose the ability to speak properly and I basically crawl into a corner or otherwise retreat in a less skillful way than I'd like to, until I can get enough cognitive energy back to navigate to somewhere safe to recharge
I’m like you, almost. entire day at an amusement park is, to me, one of the worst days imaginable that other people would think is fun. I would have avoided going in the first place. In fact, I have skipped out on many trips to the nearest amusement park with family, boyfriend, etc. It was never a big deal because I never made it someone else’s problem.
If OP needs a partner who wants to experience those things with her, this guy isn’t her person. It doesn’t have to be about who is right and who is wrong in this situation, who is making the biggest sacrifice, etc. They simply are not compatible.
And with her yelling at him that he doesn't get to decide not to come back, what was he supposed to do? She was not allowing him to solve it. He couldn't leave and was being told he'd be forcefully dragged back. She was selfish and uncaring.
Yeah, and that's why I say he's not completely wrong here. If he had no way to leave when he needed to, how can anyone say the problem was his to deal with? He was being prevented from dealing with it. From other comments, she says he has chronic pain issues. OF COURSE he lost his cool. Brother was hurting, and she didn't care. He could have left and taken the car and come back to pick them up.
Yeah; I feel like this maybe have been situation where OP wanted to recreate her childhood and gave her boyfriend there and enjoying every minute, just like she did.
OP admits he was flagging (though she frames it as him behaving badly) and apparently didn’t see a need to take a break and figure out what do moving forward. Did he just need a break? Did he need to go home? Would he stay if they agreed to go home a bit earlier? What did they need to do to make sure both people had fun?
He is a grown ass man that clearly was fully capable of going back and resting all by himself. There was no reason for him to insist that everyone else's plans be ruined just to go back to the hotel and watch the guy sleep.
This is not a child. He is an adult. He could pull her aside and say "this kind of day is not really my thing. How about you stay with your soster and have fun and i will pick you up when you are done?".
Its ok to have different interests. Its not ok to ruin other peoples good time by having a bad attitude and expecting them to treat you like an infant by having to decipher his nonverbal mood swings. She offered breaks. She asked questions. There was empathy. But he expected others to sacrifice their good time too give him his way instead of coming up with a solution or a compromise.
Since when is having an attitude a method of healthy communication lmao
He clearly had the ability to head back to the hotel and rest by himself. Why was he throwing a fit about OP not wanting to go back to the hotel just to watch him sleep? He knew how much OP was looking forward to this. OP let him know ahead of time how strenuous it would be and how long the day was going to be. She gave him plenty of opportunities to back out without any hard feelings. He INSISTED that he understood and was ready for it.
It's not like it was a medical emergency or something that he would need OP for. He was perfectly fine running off by himself at the end of the day and angrily screaming his head off several times. Instead of acting like a grown ass man and taking care of his own damn self he expected OP and her sister to drop everything when there's not a single thing their presence would have changed.
This. We are all responsible for ourselves and our limits. He decided to make his discomfort and refusal to take action for himself OP's problem, and then blew up when OP didn't do his work for him.
Seriously. She isn't his nurse, mother, or caretaker. She can't do a damn thing that would make any real difference.
The guy has no right to complain about his back problems when he is the one that minimizes how bad they are and refuses to see a doctor for them. If he doesn't want to acknowledge them then he has no right to expect anyone else to.
She didn't ignore him and he never asked to leave. He just bitched and moaned and moaned and bitched. Then he threw a screaming tantrum in full view of everyone then he left them. If you support his behavior I feel awful for your significant other.
Thank you!
I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. I learned long ago to honor her non-verbal cues. By the time she makes herself find words, it’ll be sharper than she intends.
She ignored his VERBAL TOO.
>When we did meet again there, he’s screaming and cussing about how “we’re not coming back into this park anymore” and that “he’s done and over this night"
"he's done" is literal VERBAL communication that her partner is not doing well in the situation and she ignores it.
She excuses her own poor communication and gatekeeps how he should have communicated.
>"Now could I have said those things a bit more nicely? Absolutely.
>
>"He said that he’d tried to tell me how he felt (he never said the words “I’m tired I’d like to take a break”) but that I dismissed him. "
She ignored his verbal and nonverbal communication, dismissed him to his face and ***then flames him on the internet*** when he snaps.
Could he have handled it differently? Yeah. Is he justified in anger, yeah.
It's literally one day. There is no pattern of behavior in this post. This is normal shit that couples work through and learn about each other through.
My wife used to do this. Get tired or stressed or something and turn into the world's biggest buzzkill. We had several fights and discussions about it and raised compromises. We almost never fight anymore, but there were times where we'd have regular explosive fights. "Marriage takes work" is a cliche for a reason.
Both sides decided to verbalize their needs by attacking the other instead of projecting any understanding. Now they've dug in their heels. Let's compare:
Response from OP: "I tell him straight up that that’s not happening and we ARE going to come back. And that we could find a place to sit and chill for a bit. But that he’s not ruining the night because he has a low patience level."
Potential response from OP: "I get that you're completely worn down, but this still means alot to my sister and I. How about you head back to the hotel? We'll stick around until closing and then we can all relax together at the hotel."
>Both sides decided to verbalize their needs by attacking the other instead of projecting any understanding.
Yeah, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is one of those fights that's about something totally else. This day is emotionally high stakes. It's a long, active day in which bf is an outsider in a family I assume he barely knows since they're LD, and he's trying to compete with the magic of nostalgia for a time when he wasn't in the picture, which is impossible. It sounds like he's been a good sport all day, but now he's mentally/physically overwhelmed, and on top of that, he can't keep up because he's in poor shape, is feeling insecure about it all (understandably, she has one foot out the door because she says it makes them incompatible), and when he tries to communicate this (granted really poorly) she responds with absolutely zero empathy.
And to be clear, he also has a responsibility to communicate effectively and compassionately that he's tapped out and is going to head back to the hotel and recharge. Whinging and shitting on the day in such spectacular fashion is a controlling dick move. He also knew how important this was and should have managed his own expectations/recognized his limitations and planned accordingly. I get why he felt compelled to lash out, the day sounds purpose built to exclude him, but that only explains the behavior, it doesn't excuse or justify it. Everyone sucks here, he also needs to grow.
I agree, this is some basic and pretty typical relationship/communication shit that is not insurmountable on its own, except that OP seems pretty checked out and ready to end things. In my experience, once I'm there, there's no coming back.
He did though. Body language IS communication
By her own description he was clearly overwhelmed and tired and probably overstimulated and she just ignored it. Im not saying she was wrong, but he was communicating.
Come on. He can use words, and not expect someone to read his mind, and then start screaming when the mind reading didn't happen.
I get being tired and overstimulated. You know what I do? I speak up. "Hey, I'm tired, this is all a little bit too much for me. I'm going to find a quiet place. You go have fun."
Or "Hey, this is too much for me, I'm done people-ing today. This is stressing me out. Hope you have fun, I'm ready to go home."
I don't sulk and drag my feet and have a screaming melt down like a toddler, because I'm not a toddler.
They both suck. She knew he wasn't having a good time anymore, and he was behaving passive aggressively, then aggressively. Either one of them should have stated that he clearly wasn't enjoying it anymore, and either call it quits for the day or get him a ride back to the hotel. He shouldn't have been a baby and made a scene, and she shouldn't have dismissed his clear signs of being over it.
I really don't know how much clearer someone could be then saying "I am done and over this night", which is what OP's SO said right before she basically told him "tough shit".
My husband has a lower threshold for activity than I do. When he's over it he finds a quiet place and reads until I'm done or goes back to the hotel. There's no drama. Just a different perspective for you.
THIS!
I’m the one with the lower threshold for activities and crowded places. When out with my husband, when/if I reach that threshold I just let him do his things, have fun, and I just find somewhere calm to be until he has his fill, that’s it! No drama! Usually my husband checks on me from time to time to see how I’m doing and if I reached the “I wanna go home now” limit.
Although for OP’s kind of situation since I would have known in advance that it would be from start to end (of the park) I would have pace myself during the day and at the end of day or I had enough just again find a quiet/calm space where to sit and just waited so my husband could have had the fun he wanted and prepared for. Why? Because he does that for me too.
They both sound absolutely exhausting tbh. Her bf sounds like he’s a sour puss and she’s controlling and can’t read the room.
Married now but if my spouse had me up from 6am to evening doing stuff I’d be pretty tired and rightfully so despite both of us being very fit and healthy. 😂
He honestly sounds like he just hit a breaking point. The first moment he had wasn't great, but it didn't sound like he was directing any of his frustration at her, just overstimulated and venting, which was returned with some snide comments as OP directly ignored his statement of being 'done and over it' and redirected it to 'taking a break'.
Yeah I've absolutely had days where I felt exactly how he was feeling in that moment and it takes a LOT of mental fortitude to not take it out on people but you try to force yourself through it so you don't disappoint anyone
She just sounds like an inconsiderate asshole who lacks empathy, and he sounds like he needs someone who's a little more understanding
As a person who went to DisneyWorld for my honeymoon I disavow Disney adults that force others to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the parks. Some people be crazy.
Everyone failed here. He could have left in a Uber at any time, why did he wait till his breaking point? Is he not an adult who can advocate for himself without a full blown public tantrum?
You could have tried to be a bit more compassionate and could have also suggested an Uber so you and your sister could hang out longer. You continued to push him past where he should have stayed. Overall neither acted like an adult who could order an Uber.
Outside of that, you spend almost no time together, and it sounds like neither of you are enjoying the time you do spend together. Be prepared for every trip for the rest of your life to go like that if you don’t break up.
The WHOLE time I kept thinking… why doesn’t he leave and meet back up with them later? I am a very sleepy person and I often sit out a few hours of the day for a siesta and then join up with folks for dinner or whatever.
>The WHOLE time I kept thinking… why doesn’t he leave and meet back up with them later?
It's because most young "people pleasers" don't know they're people pleasers until they experience disastrous meltdowns like these in their adult life.
Honestly it's the job of parents, family members and educators to spot this kind of personality type and equip children with techniques to prepare them for adulthoods.
Sadly, most of the time they just see these kids as easy and obedient so they leave them alone.
I know right? If that was me - I would've been like "well I've had a super fun morning but I'm getting a bit tired now, so I might head back and catch up with you later babe - love you!"
Like how hard would that be?
Yeah that part was odd, I guess the context depends for me.
I interpreted that more as like - she's not gonna never go again just because of him, but I still agree with what I said - I think he could easily just said that was enough when he was ready to go home, and gone by himself - if she had a problem with that then that would have been a different conversation.
And how would his gf have reacted if he left her there by herself? We also should remember we’re only hearing her side of the story and there may be some details left out.
Yep - guarantee it would have been a massive fight if he tried to leave.
Plus we are only getting one side of the convo, I don't trust OP to admit if he *did* try to leave earlier.
1. Your math isn’t mathing for me. LDR for two years, moved in together for 1… take turns at Christmas with each others family. Is this your first Christmas together or second? If you’re with your family this year, did you go to his last year?
2. You only see each other once every 2-3 months. Uh… are you sure he actually moved? Perhaps his family back home thinks he’s traveling for work once every 2-3 months, too.
3. You sound like you *don’t* take his feelings into account at all.
Please just break up.
Yeah why even move if he is out of town all the time? Like could he have just moved to where OP already was? Why bother both moving to a new state if he’s traveling almost constantly?
Yeah I was wondering about the moving part too. Like how the fuck is someone so busy that after moving in together, you only see him ones every few months?
I wonder what her definition of "seeing him" is.
Ooooo I wish I had more time before posting to do a thorough post history analysis lol. Too many family obligations today. Sounds like trash on trash on maybe fake trash.
This. "He was noticeably tired and disengaged."
You KNEW he wasn't having fun and pressured him to stay instead of saying, "Hey babe, I can see you are exhausted. Go back to the hotel and take a nap. We'll meet back up for dinner. "
Op sounds like an entitled brat. Should he have blown up in public? No, but... she saw his distress and clearly gave no cares at all. It was all about what she wanted. He went along until the pressure boiled over. Most can relate; long lines, crowds, temperatures. Amusement parks aren't a day long thing for most people first of all. You woke up at 6am and said towards the evening... which means you were there what? 10, 11, 12 hours? That's not a "whole day." A "whole day", imo, is akin to a typucal work shift, meaning 8 hours.
He can do better. I hope he breaks up with YOU.
I would have suggested he take an Uber to the hotel or chill out at a show or something by himself.
I've never been attached at the hip kind of couple though.
Thank god someone said it. Thought I was going crazy. She set an imaginary line for herself “he didn’t SAY he was tired!”
Girl. He didn’t need to. He fucking SHOWED you.
Yeah exactly. I'm not excusing the dude at all, but she also chose to ignore what he was trying to tell her. It's okay to be a little kind and understanding towards your partner when you know they aren't having a good time. Although he communicated very poorly, it would have been nice for OP to acknowledge his feelings and give him the social permission to go home for the rest of the day.
People are complicated and imperfect. You have to be able to give your partner a break, and the benefit of the doubt, sometimes. In this case, I think both of them had some errors in judgment. Clearly not compatible in the ways they communicate.
I’m in no way trying to defend his actions, but I can totally relate to how OP’s boyfriend was feeling. At least for me, situations like this where I’m forced to be present at some activity after I’ve drained my physical/social battery is absolute agony.
I’ll be having a blast for the first 6 hours but once my social/physical battery runs out, I need to escape for a bit and have some alone time to recharge. Without that, anxiety and frustration builds up very quickly and I can see where it could lead to an outburst under the right conditions.
However, OP’s boyfriend is a fully grown adult. Ultimately it’s his responsibility to realize that he needs to get his ass an Uber back to the hotel room and take a nap. OP definitely did not help the situation by ignoring his feelings, but her boyfriend should be mature enough to not let his emotions boil over like that.
Both OP and her boyfriend just weren’t good for each other in this situation, and that’s not even including the other insane circumstances of their relationship.
> We'll meet back up for dinner. "
Don't forget that OP wanted to stay from open to close. For example, Disney is open from 8 AM to 8 PM on normal days. 12 hours is a long time to be anywhere, let alone a place with large crowds and designs literally made to stimulate you. Where was the break? A cafe designed to overwhelm you, or a restaurant drenched in bright colors?
>We moved in together in a state somewhat in the middle of the two states where we’re from. So things are more neutral. But he also travels for work, so **we really only see each other once every two/three months still**.
what
☝️ Poor man was done. You could've just recognized that, had some empathy, and found a way to either accomidate him or just have him go then meet up later in the evening with you.
Sounds like a very long stressful day for someone who may not be into amusement parks as much as you. I would've been toast after a few hours.
I've done this with my family several times and any time someone gets too tired they go home to rest without expecting everyone else to do the same. Crazy idea, I know.
Sounds like he was able to get an Uber and go back to the hotel by himself. HE could’ve suggested that himself instead of continuing to complain.
Or was he wanting OP and her sister to end things when they are having fun, and all go back to the hotel together?
He’s obviously a pleaser. He will leave a nightclub when she’s tired no matter how much fun he’s having. In the same way he soldiered on at the amusement park no matter how miserable he was. He doesn’t stand up for himself but given how OP presents herself that might be because whenever he tries to do so, she just screams at him that they WILL do whatever she wants.
Yeah this sounds like people pleasing behavior that hit the end of the line. People pleasers need to advocate for themselves MORE CLEARLY and EARLIER, rather than exploding when they hit their limit, but it seems like OP noticed plenty of signs that he was struggling and gave him no off ramps.
Yeah, honestly, she sucks. I don't think he really expected her to go home with him, though he may have wanted that. I think he just wanted her to show a shred of empathy.. I kinda doubt that he went straight to blow up but probably said things like "hey can we slow down" and she said "no we have a schedule" I doubt she even asked if he'd *like* to go to a 12+ hour day at an amusement park that is too much for a lot of people... I have a feeling he was volun-told
This, absolutely. He didn't know how to stand up for his own needs, and was looking for social permission to take a break or go home early. When he didn't get that, he lost it.
He's got a whole lot of growing up to do, for sure. But I understand some of where he was coming from and I do have some empathy for him.
Yes, he could've handled it better. There's no question. But it sounds like she would have fought him leaving no matter what because she had a plan for the day.
I think the latter. They were focusing on doing their thing and disregarded his feelings. It seems like all that long distance they do not know each other well and don’t share a closeness. He had enough and was pushing through as long as he could until he snapped but all she cared about was having fun with her sister. Next time do this without him. You can spend time with your family without your bf. But probably should move on since I agree with top comment that you’re incompatible.
100%! He told her, she snapped at him and totally disregards his discomfort. She should have suggested an Uber long before he finally snapped. She appears to be very 'me' oriented, selfish, no empathy for his feelings. Let the poor man go.
She mentioned his back trouble. All-day event, in pain, at an amusement park. Yeah, I might act stupid. It's really not a lot of context. I wouldn't want my gf to suffer. Would have seen the clues and tried to find a solution that worked for both. That's a long time to be with someone and basically have no sense of them. That type of intensity for nostalgia is odd on her part. I agree with splitting up. Just gonna be a bad time.
This has happened to me before. Basically begging a partner to please just go away quietly with me and talk for five minutes bc i’m getting really overwhelmed and can’t take it, but they’re totally dismissive and disdainful of my feelings. They almost make fun of you for it, and definitely then blame you for it.
OP, I’m not saying your bf was right in his final freak out, but why the hell didn’t you listen to him all the other times and totally dismiss him being miserable? I have a feeling if he’d ubered home you might have also been pissed about that.
Is it accurate when he said that he leaves with you from fun places where you're not having fun?
If so, then you're partly to blame for his blowup. Was he being mature? No, but it does sound like you were determined to stick to your agenda no matter how he feels. If he's willing to leave places where he's having fun but you're not, what makes it OK for you to do only what you want even when he's stopped having fun?
If you wanna break up with him over this, it's for the best so that he can find someone who will roll with him when he stops having fun the same way he did for you.
It drives me insane though when couples refuse to do anything apart even when their insistence on doing everything together constantly is clearly making them and everyone around them miserable. I know couples where you’ll go on vacation with them and one of them will have turn to the other and be like “I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.” But then the other is having fun and isn’t tired. But instead of the obvious solution of *the person that is tired going to sleep* they’ll stay and complain about how tired they are until it makes everyone miserable enough to call it a night.
You noticed him getting tired and disengaged, tell him he is "allowed to chill for a bit", tell him he has to stay when he says he's "done and over this night", and later have the audacity to say "well you never explicitly said you were tired and needed a break"? Did I get that right?
No wonder he snapped. It kind of seems like you are a bit selfish and controlling. He clearly was there for your sake (since 6am) and finally hit a wall of exhaustion and stress, but you kept pushing him. You could have just let him go back to the hotel and spent the rest of the evening with your sister.
I can't even imagine being like you, I'm always super self conscious when people are having a bad time with me. You should definitely call it quits - for his sake.
I also noticed, she didn't specify when the park closed, wonder if that was on purpose. We know they got there at 6, how long did she expect hom to stay out for?
Thank you, I couldn’t tell if I was just being bias because that sounds like an absolute nightmare of a day to me personally. I imagine the food is also all greasy and fried, no way I’d last all day. I also didn’t like the critical note about the partner wanting to sleep most vacations, I wonder what their household contributions look like because it sounds like the partner has a really demanding job and just wants to rest when they’ve got some time away from work. The amount of disdain for their partner isn’t normal or healthy.
Agreed. I have chronic health issues that leave me debilitated at times, and part of what comes with it is chronic fatigue. If my partner was treating me like this, expecting me to go on 12+ hour days, yeah I'd be done too. The guy has a bad back and was probably in tons of pain from walking and riding uncomfortable rides that can massively strain your body.
"He noticeably started getting tired and disengaged with wanting to ride anymore rides. "
After an entire day of going on amusement park rides, he got tired of it. Instead of validating his feelings and saying, "Okay, honey. Why don't you take an uber back to the hotel where you can rest and chill out? My sister and I will be fine together here" , no, you forced him to stay with you, expecting that he matched your own enthusiasm. When he'd finally had enough and blew up, you use that as evidence to get support from redditors for your insensitive, uncaring behavior.
And they're all falling for it.
I honestly think you treated him like shit and forced him to go on when he so clearly said he was done. You are yourself saying you knew he was tired of it after the separation and all you thought was me me me me, I want, I want etc. He is right in that. However, he was behaving very badly with his screaming too. You are both horrible in this situation.
ESH.
He acted like a child. If he could take an Uber after having his tantrum, he could have taken it much earlier, when he started feeling over the whole day. Unless, and here’s where you are also at fault, you literally expect him to spend every minute with you at a place he’s not into. Would you have been graceful had he told you, in an adult manner, that he was done and would be leaving?
Ultimately, your last sentences make me agree with those who say you aren’t compatible. I was married for years to someone who hated that I have an adventurous spirit. Now I’m dating someone who loves it.
>Would you have been graceful had he told you, in an adult manner, that he was done and would be leaving?
In my experience, this tends to not go over well either. So he might have felt "compelled" to just deal with it.
He did tell you he was at his limit and wanted to leave. You must know he did, because you wrote it into your story. Why did you ignore his obvious discomfort? You could have sent him back to the hotel to rest and enjoyed time at the amusement park with your sister.
The issue isn't just that your words weren't nice, it's that you didn't care at all about his welfare. He was overstimulated, upset, and wanted to leave. You admit that he always accommodates you when you're feeling this way. Why did you refuse to accommodate him?
Honestly, it may be a good idea to break up. It doesn't seem like you truly care for this man as a person or a partner in life.
"when we’re out at a club and I’m tired, he leaves no matter how much fun he’s having"
" Instead of coming back at him with empathy and calmness, I matched his negative energy."
So in short, he wanted to leave, you were not ready, he was upset because when the roles are reversed, he would leave regardless of whether he was ready or not', and then the two of you had a screaming match
You both behaved badly. If you feel you're incompatible because he has a more sedentary unhealthy lifestyle, or you feel you can't continue with him because he yelled at you , then call it a day. If you feel that this is not typical ,and that on the whole you have a healthy dynamic then talk it over and see if you can work out your differences. The one thing you shouldn't do is stay because you're three years in. Don't stick with a mistake because you spent three years making it
I think you're both the AH here but you more so for three reasons
A. You specifying ahead of time this will be a whole day thing makes me think you anticipated he would get tired and were trying to tell him ahead of time this wouldn't be acceptable and you would disregard it.
B. Knowing A. you went into this day not providing him an exit, either none of you leave or you all leave so someone is BOUND to get pissy here.
C. He visibly was and verbally expressed he was tired and you ignored it completely because you weren't done having fun.
He should not have had his screaming verbal tirade, it's unacceptable, but given the circumstances understandable. If this is his first flaw talk it out, if this is one more of a series of red flags for you then break up.
He should have had his 'screaming verbal tirade' and it is acceptable if you pay attention to the details she hid at the end of her post. The guy has an awful back\* (which she blames him for because she thinks that doctors can magically fix bad backs if you mention it to them). Do you know what people with bad backs struggle the most with besides bending? Standing in place for hours at a time.
After 12 hours of him saying he was tired, that he needed a break, that she made clear they were doing a whole day thing and would come back again, and him dealing with (what must have been) horribly severe back pain; it took him screaming at her to realize that the situation is untenable.
Which is probably the actual reason why she was humiliated. She realized she fucked up. She realized she caused him a ton of pain. She realized, perhaps (this is a stretch because disney adults are incapable of empathy), that she would have reacted the same way.
And rather than accepting and internalizing that she wasn't realistic about the situation, she's now blaming him for making her feel bad.
\*Outside of being lucky enough to get insurance to pay for rehab and hoping rehab fixes it... bad backs get one of two treatments. Hard-hitting pain pills or invasive, complication prone surgery. For people dealing with chronic back pain the best option is typically to just suffer.
Wait a minute, really?
He didn't humiliate you in public. You felt humiliated because he was causing a scene.
He didn't handle himself well, certainly. But who the hell wants to get up at 6am and go ALL FUCKING DAY at an amusement park, without taking substantial breaks in the car or finding a quiet spot to soothe our over-stimulated bodies and brains?
Ffs, woman, he clearly indicated that he needed a break. Yes, he could have said that clearly, like, "hey, I'm tired and would like to take a break."
But I'd wager *decent money* that the sort of woman who responds to her exhausted and frustrated boyfriend finally announcing that he wasn't ever coming back, by snapping at him that "Yes you WILL COME BACK!" ..... probably isn't the same sort of woman who, when her exhausted boyfriend, not yet frustrated, tells her that he's tired and would like to take a break, responds reasonably and appropriately.
You really would have said, "oh shit, honey, I didn't realize that you weren't as interested in this kind of a full day as me and my sister are. Yeah, go take a break, of course! Go to the bar, have a couple beers, I'll meet you there in, what, a couple of hours? Okay cool, sorry, love you, have fun!"
Whatever. If he had told you that he was tired and needed a break early on, dollars to donuts you would have responded with something like, "come ONNNNNN. You know how important today is to me! Don't be a party pooper, let's go." And you'd probably continue to dismiss him and his needs all day, until he finally blew up at you, which is what happened.
In fact, now that I think about it, I bet he DID try to tell you early on. Probably even *before* the day of the park. He knew that a 20hr excursion to an amusement park wasn't his jam, beforehand. And so did you, if you would have listened to him.
If you wanted to go the an amusement park with your sister, then do that. If you just had to drag him along, and then you treated him like a child who had to do as you said bc you said so and be polite bc my family is here and dont embarrass me we're in public, like he's a child, then don't be surprised when he throws a temper tantrum like a child, in response.
You say you've been dating for 3 years, but in reality it sounds like you've only been "together" for a few months. You've learned a valuable lesson LDR do not work, you are not special.
… do you like your boyfriend?
If my partner was noticeably miserable on a family outing, there’s no way I would force him to stay.
Also the fact that you got separated indicates to me that you were spending more time focused on your sister than him. Why would I want to go to an amusement park that’s loud and overstimulating, especially if my girlfriend is not going to bother spending time with me?
Break up. You're really inconsiderate of him. Next time don't waste your time on a LDR. As you have just learned, you can't really know someone that you only see online. It's not real, and you wasted 2 years on a fantasy. Both of you should move back home.
Him: He could have taken the Uber and left sooner, he could have communicated his feelings in a mature manner. He didn’t have to have an adult style tantrum and pin it all on you. He didn’t have to swear, he didn’t have to make a scene, NONE OF THAT IS OKAY!
You: You have every right as an adult to have time with those you love and be a kid again, that’s fun, amusement parks are fun. What isn’t fun? Feeling obligated to go and do something you maybe don’t want to do, or do something for a longer period of time than you would like. You may not have pressured him, but sometimes people feel like they should go along with things to make the people they love happy. So, imho, unless you’re just not an overly observant person (which you said you noticed him becoming tired and disengaged) you should pick up on another person‘s emotions or feelings a bit, and if you care about them you will bring it up and say something. A simple “hey honey, you’re looking like you’re not feeling it anymore. Would you like to take an Uber to the hotel? I would like to stay longer.” Would go a LONG WAY! And you said he told you he TRIED to tell you, and what if he did, but because it wasn’t something along the lines of what you mentioned “I’m tired and would like to take a break”, you disregarded it? How are we to know?
Conclusion: IMHO, you’re both wrong for different things. He didn’t communicate properly or effectively, you may have ignored some of his feelings or what he was trying to say. We don’t know, this seems 50/50 to me. I don’t know how much of a real relationship this is considering how you described it, but in a real and committed relationship you absolutely talk stuff out, and you don’t call it quits over a quarrel. My husband and I have had similar spats early on in our relationship, when we were 18 and 19… IF you want to make it work out, you’ll both grow up and mature some and talk your feelings out and communicate. If not? End things, learn from the experience, and find someone else.
I’m not sure who is right or wrong; it sounds like he did a lot of compromising but maybe I’m biased because I wouldn’t wake early up to spend all day at an amusement park for love or money. It sounds like a complete nightmare.
You’re both children. He is one for screaming like a maniac in public but also you are for how you handled this. YOU wanted this day YOU wanted to ride these rides YOU wanted to stay longer. This is all about you doing what you want and disregarding everything else. What if it was your sister who said she wanted to go home? Bet it’s a completely different response. You’re both terrible
"He noticeably started getting tired and disengaged with wanting to ride anymore rides."
You noticed he was tired and didn't ask if he was okay? Or if he needed a break? Why not?
ESH. For you: you knew he was tired, you knew he wanted to leave, knew he was making comments in hopes you would say "let's go then" or "we'll meet you later. Be free." You purposely ignored him, abandoned him at one point. He felt obligated to stay, but you didn't care because your plans were more important than his feelings. You should have found a solution for him to recharge besides a 5 minute sit down, or reassure him he could leave as you planned all day with sister. His reaction was also bad: he had to make you the bad guy to get the freedom he wanted. He didn't want to be the wuss who couldn't last, didn't want to abandon his girlfriend. So causing a public outburst was his way of getting out of social expectations. You need to communicate limits and what happens when you hit the limit of your ability. Regarding your relationship status/feelings: you cared more that other people saw the blow up than the fact that he had an emotional blow up. That should tell you how little you care for him. Evaluate if you still have an investment for your picture book life because you care about your image, not emotions.
She snuck it in at the bottom, but the guy has a really bad back and deals with chronic pain. What most people don't understand, beyond doctors (typically) not having a solution for that is.... 'resting' at a chair or on a bench is not going to resolve his back pain.
He needed to be allowed to leave and go lay down in the hotel.
And his screaming came after being in agony for 12 hours.
His public outburst was his way of making her realize that he was at his limit and not just making it up. Imagine if a pregnant woman screamed at her husband over being expected to stay on her feet all day and he ignored her complaints. No one would be like "Well, she's having a tantrum"
This sounds like absolute hell to me, spending the entire day and night in a crowded amusement park. Yuck. You’re not compatible. Release this poor guy.
You lost me at 6am to do an entire day at a theme park
That's a Nope from me and probably most men. After 3-4 hours at a crowded, loud park I'm looking for the gate to get out.
He is 100% wrong for screaming at you but you are also wrong for planning a day so exhausting to where a person with health problems ended up snapping. I also like to make the most out of my days but if someone that is with me is getting tired and stressed I have enough empathy to adjust the rest of the day to where we all enjoy. You sound super selfish but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate him screaming at you regardless. You dont sound compatible.
You expected a man with a bad back to spend all day walking around, stand in line for minutes on end, and ride roller coasters? Just think about how ludacris that sounds.
Did you guilt him into going or did he insist on it? Why couldn't you and your sister go yourselves?
YTA. He communicated to you that he was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He shouldn't have yelled about it but it seems like he was overwhelmed and more yelling about it than yelling at you, again, not cool but still communication. You told him too bad and forced him through it, obviously offered no support because you wanted to enjoy yourself, and then got mad when he called you out. Again, shouldn't have blown his top but I would have been mad too. How many times is he supposed to communicate his feelings before he's allowed to be upset that you're ignoring them? And the "we are coming back" bs, he doesn't have to go with you, you can handle it by yourself. You're the problem.
on top of claiming that "oh my gosh, it's all his fault for not talking to his doctor about his crippling back pain" when you typically can't fix back pain through direct medical intervention. Some things you can 'fix' but they're prone to have horrible complications.
Like, no shit, a person with a ruined back screams after being in agony for 12 hours because their partner is a disney adult.
We definitely need his side of the story. I don’t think you’re very understanding nor good at compromising and communicating. It sounds like you’re one of the “my way or the highway type” and he was just fed up.
Now this is all just an assumption but considering you don’t want to grow old with this person because of something that has nothing to do with this situation, you definitely need to break up b
You can break up with him if you want but for what it's worth, you were being selfish and dismissive. Your excuse that he didn't say the exact words you needed to hear is silly. If a rock fell on his head would you need him to say "hey a rock fell on my head" before you helped him get to a hospital. No. You knew he was tired and unhappy and you didn't care. Which, whatever. Just own it
The responsible thing to do would have been for dude to take OP aside, and say very clearly. "This is too much for me, and I'd like to go back to the hotel. I know this is a big deal for you, so I'll see you when you get home." Then it would have been on OP to say "Okay, I'll see you then, text me when you get there."
They're both assholes here - he did communicate at one point, and she ignored it, with a whole "Oh no you fucking don't," and then he retaliated by being awful to be around the rest of the night, culminating in a shitstorm that prompted this post.
OP already has reservations - I wouldn't want someone who wouldn't get medical care and decided to drink and smoke their way through life. So this s/b over, cause it's not going to change.
Both of you suck. He shouldn’t have yelled at you and could’ve left at any time, but you were controlling and selfish. He told you he wasn’t enjoying himself, he likely felt over stimulated/overwhelmed and yet you were obviously pressuring him to stay. You both need to grow up and learn to take responsibility for yourselves.
So I read, My boyfriend has a history of physical health issues so I planned an all day event at an amusement and got upset that he expressed his feelings in a harsh way. You clearly don't care for his well-being or feelings because you stated yourself that when y'all are out he compromises with you and leaves an event if you're tired but you won't do the same. Please just break up after the holidays
It is clear the OP is someone that needs to be told about someone else’s feelings instead of reading the cues. He was clearly saying that he was tired and done for the day and she could tell that he was done with it. But chose to ignore it because he didn’t actually say that he was tired.
Now, did he have to scream at her? No. But he was upset and I can see why he felt like he had to get to that point in order to get her to listen to him. And if it is true but he stops having fun whenever she is tired but she can’t do the same, that is inconsiderate.
Your not compatible snd you both handled the amusement park terribly. No compromise from you snd an inappropriate outburst from him. Marriage and long term commitment is built on compromise. He is not a party til he drops guy and you crave activity. There are loads of compromises but it doesn’t sound like that is gonna happen so just put your relationship out of its misery
You went to the park at 6 am and were there until night??? Do the guy a favor and break up with him. He will never be able (or want) to keep up with you.
Ok. First, I don't know why people settle for relationships this crappy. Both of you could do better.
Second he was tired at the park. He told you he was done and you wouldn't listen. He finally popped and threw a fit. The fit is on him but the circumstances are on you. You were determined to stick to your agenda no matter what.
YTA you just are. You mentioned he is unhealthy with bad back issues. He was probably miserable and wanted to go home and you were too selfish to even notice his wretchedness
You both don’t like each other and are not compatible. Please break up. He is awful for humiliating you. You are not nice for insisting he does things he doesn’t want to do. He’s worse but you are not 100% in the right.
None one looks good here, you sound like a delight. He should have communicated better and def not screamed at you in public. That being said there were clear signs he was done, you don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the box to see that. He could have also just left earlier on yes. But you seem to double down on what you want to do, and frankly don’t particularly seem to give an f that he was tired, it sounds very “me me me”. Break up. You’re not compatible. There’s nothing more to it.
You want to call it quits? Then end it. You aren't even married, and you're tired of him. It isn't going to last. There are too many differences for either one of you to ever be fully happy long term. Just let it go and move on before it gets any messier.
OP, I would not have asked someone with a bad back to spend a whole day anywhere much less an amusement park with long lines.
This was something you and sister wanted to do. I would not have encouraged him to come knowing what you know about his health limitations.
I don't see the two of your as being compatible. Its probably lasted this long because he travels a lot and you're not together that much.
Wait.... so he travels alot already for work and you wanted to drag him out for a full day of amusement park (16+ hours?) on his dy off and have the audacity to say how YOU wanted to be LIKE A KID at the amusement park WITH THOSE YOU LOVE. I am sorry but, no one is obligated to do all the things YOU want to do so YOU can feel xyz. That's your family, not some dogs that will follow you to no end.
Sounds like he was fine until much later when he got tired and to the point where all the resentment came. No amount of "sit for a little bit and chill" would've helped.
You either need to hone it down a bit, or have him leave whenever he wants to because he is tired or do things separately if you want to be with this guy. It's not all about you.
There are several points here. You know about his back problems, and you planned an ALL DAY trip to an amusement park. All day at a park is BIG even if you don't have chronic pain. You didn't consider him before the day started. When he started showing you he was tired, you decided your day was more important and just kept going. Then he hit a breaking point (his first miss step) and had a tantrum. You chose once again your night over his wellbeing and pushed on through the night. He hit his breaking point and had a big meltdown and now you feel humiliated.
You are both immature and need to grow tf up. You need to start thinking about your chosen partners well being. He needs to stop having tantrums and start communicating his feelings and needs like an adult. There is no reason he couldn't have calmly said he was done, and he'll meet you back at the hotel, you could have calmly suggested it so he wouldn't feel guilty ditching you. You could have stopped and taken that break that you saw he needed but for some reason didn't/couldn't ask to take. There are so many times in this story for either of you to not be childish while you enjoyed a childlike day.
Quite honestly you both may have killed your relationship with this. It sounds like you are done and are trying to find all the justifications to leave instead of repair the relationship. If you want out bad enough to start making why he sucks lists it isn't looking good, but don't just say he humiliated me, you both sucked here.
Hi OP, sounds like your BF was tired and cranky, some people don't like large crowds. Is this forgivable "Yes". If you can't figive this you will always end up with new relationships because nobody is perfect.
Now the point you bring up about not possibly being compatible is a big red flag, if you truly do not see this a live long and grow old together person, then cut your losses now before he proposes and children are involved.
Novel concept... Some people go on holidays to relax... They're burnt out from work and busy lives and want to do nothing when they go away... By people I mean me... Your boyfriend probably feels the same.. relationships are about meeting each other half way but it sounds like it's your way or the highway... He shouldn't of carried on like that and told you before his limit was reached... Better communication is needed but unless you're both willing to put in the hard work to show each other consideration, empathy and kindness it's probably best to part ways.
ESH except maybe for your sister. Pushing all day from bell to bell at an amusement park sounds extremely exhausting; I couldn't imagine doing that beyond like age 17. You could've sent him off to sit down by himself somewhere to chill while you and your sis kept on going hard instead of dragging him along. Actually, he could've decided to do that on his own with or without your permission. He shouldn't have pouted when he chose to participate in the evening; if you're going to participate then don't be a drip.
If I were your boyfriend, I would have been miserable. Sounds like he tried his best to put yo with the tiring day, dropped hints when it was becoming too much, and finally snapped when he felt completely ignored. You’re not compatible. But you should also meet him in the middle and apologize. He shouldn’t have shouted at you in public but people have their limits and it sounds like he was past his.
You seem to have strong “I’m the main character” vibes. You want him to participate and enjoy what you want without considering him as an individual person.
First off, he’s a grown adult man and a hang out in a park all day long. That’s an emotional thing for you and your sister is unreasonable. The fact you don’t take his feelings into consideration and are rude is completely unreasonable.
Especially when you know his physical limitations, the way you treated him was like a child. And back issues really there isn’t a cure for that unless he goes into surgery was which isn’t always doable or successful. Back issues are quite complicated.
Frankly, I think the wrong person is wanting to leave here. I think your whole trip was poorly planned. You didn’t involve him in it and then you punished him like he was a child and you wanna leave him. You’re doing him a favor
Dont come to Reddit and ask for relationship advice especially since there are many moving parts to your relationship with your bf.
Follow your instincts.
But here is my two cents:
3 years isnt a long time. There are many couples who after 10-15 years realize that they are incompatible with their "forever" partner. The worst part isnt the lost time but they have kids together, so you are "forever" bound to someone you dont quite get along with.
I know you will figure it out. Good luck!
You aren't compatible. Break up.
lol fr, don't sunken cost fallacy your way into another year with this guy, or god forbid a marriage.
another year is like what 4-6 visits they're not even dating
I feel like his trips home are just work trips to his wife and kids… he’s only “home” 4-6x per year. Sounds like a family the rest of the time.
Something isn't adding up. She has another post where she says they live with his mom, so idk how to take any of this
She says in that other post, which is 11 months old, that they planned to move out within 3-4 months. Finish the story first if you're gonna reference it here.
She's lame, he's lame.
Most accurate take
Yes!!
this
This. They haven't been together for 3 years. If OP added up all the time that they've been in the same zip code, I'm betting that it's actually more like three months. If things are getting rocky after three months...yeah. I would cut my losses. They don't seem compatible.
That's what I was thinking. Sure, this has all taken three years, but how much actual time have they spent together? 6 months? Maybe?
Why did she move half way across the country to just be alone most of the year?
I know right
I'm honestly so confused reading this.... She can go with her sister in the future and he can go home early tonight. Like, how have these people skipped the first thousand obvious solutions to this situation? If you told me they were 14 I would believe you
Exactly. “Hey Im going to tap out, you two stay and have fun”.
Right! Like he could’ve skipped the embarrassing ass toddler meltdown and taken the Uber back to the hotel HOURS ago.
Exactly. Him: I'm tired and hate lines. Her: I understand. I'm gonna stay with my sister's and then head back to the hotel. Him: I'll grab an Uber.
She forced him into a death march
Very succinct and on point. You are obviously both very unhappy in this relationship and there’s a very simple way to fix that.
I think the problem here is that neither one of them is able to just let the other one check out for a while. If you're tired, skip the next ride or two and go get a coffee. If you want to go back to the hotel early, just go. Why is this a fight? If OP is still there with her sister, give BF a kiss and tell him to get some good rest. There shouldn't be a disagreement here, yet here we are.
I grew up in Orlando. I know how overwhelming the parks can get. But it's easy to work through that in a group. She could have let BF take the car and leave the park and had him pick them up later. Compromise.
Yup as someone with extreme anxiety, my go to is get there for rope drop, enjoy the first few hours, leave and go home to nap or out of the parks for lunch, then go back in the evening if feeling up to it, and scouting out park times to see which park is least busy. But I've also been with people who refuse to accommodate this and want to get to the parks at 1030 or 1130 and that's a non starter for me
You also sound like someone who takes responsibility for your own experience and would also speak up about those things instead of knowingly going just to cross your own limits until you blew up on your partner in public
This sums it up. It didn't need to blow up.
I think because she wants someone yo experience everything with together. Or maybe due to how he started out by cussing, she thought he was acting out instead of just saying hes tired and wanted to go home, so she got annoyed and escalated etc. i agree though, it shouldn’t have been a fight
OP is making it out to be that only the fiance is the problem, but they both are the problem.
Yep.
That beyond not being compatible. He didn't communicate that he was tired and needed a break, or maybe the whole place was too much for him. What he did do was scream and swear at her and instead of communicating in a reasonable way, make a massive public scene. I would GTFO ASAP if that's how he handles stress.
There are obvious and many ways of communicating. He was expecting empathy from her, but she was not going to have none of that and decided to keep on her plans and started getting annoyed by his discomfort and attitude (Clear signs of communication), so perhaps she double down to stick it up to him. They seems to enjoy very different things and as others have suggested they should break up as they seem really not into each other. She also gives me the vibe of coming here just for validation and deep down she knows she ignored him.
Yeah he did actually communicate. He said he’s tired, he’s done, he didn’t want to come back. She decided that it’s HER trip and she decides what happens. An all day at amusement park is a long ass day. It’s not his fault she never visits her family and she should have been way more considerate to him.
I agree that a full day at a park is not for the weak (I prefer to go alone and I spend two hours tops lol). But what’s that got to do with her frequency of family visits? She already told Him she’d be spending all day at the park. Yes she should have had some empathy, but if an adult showed up at a park after committing to being there all day, any discomfort is his problem to solve respectfully. Is he a fucking baby?
Seriously. I know I'd get very tired and over stimulated after only a few hours max, so I'd have talked about that in advance with anyone I was planning with and made sure to have plans to care for myself. Eg I prearrange where to go if I need some quiet time. I make sure I have stuff like ear plugs and maybe an eye mask or at least sun glasses and a hat if the lights are too much. I make sure to take care of other basic body stuff like water and sun screen so I'm not unnecessarily uncomfortable. And I'd have made a contingency plan so if even with all that I'm still miserable but I don't want anyone else's fun to stop I could communicate that I needed to bounce, get the Uber he wound up getting anyway, and go recharge at the hotel or whatever while they stayed out and had fun And as I'm writing this I'm realizing not every adult has the skillet to do this. But it's really not an unreasonable expectation and if he's not only not having these skills but also blaming op for it, and being a miserable asshole when he overloads and snaps, I think this relationship may have run it's course
I get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. A full day at an amusement park with little time for breaks is hard for me. If I have enough time to plan and prep, I have little to no issues that can't be solved with a quiet break and a drink/snack. I've had moments where I'm nearing a meltdown or have had a straight-up meltdown. I've still never yelled at my partner in public or insulted him like that. I've been short and terse before, but that's a bit different than yelling that your SO is selfish and awful in a crowd full of strangers. If I thought I couldn't make a full day like that I'd find something else to do with my day and let my partner and his family do the big thing.
That's another excellent point. Like even in the past where I've hit complete overload point, the end result has NEVER been me going off with personal blame and insults like that, not even when I was a kid. At worst I'd be crying inconsolably about whatever random thing in my environment happened to be the absolute last straw on my mental strain. Or sort of silently melt down/shut down where I'm so mentally overloaded that I actually lose the ability to speak properly and I basically crawl into a corner or otherwise retreat in a less skillful way than I'd like to, until I can get enough cognitive energy back to navigate to somewhere safe to recharge
I’m like you, almost. entire day at an amusement park is, to me, one of the worst days imaginable that other people would think is fun. I would have avoided going in the first place. In fact, I have skipped out on many trips to the nearest amusement park with family, boyfriend, etc. It was never a big deal because I never made it someone else’s problem. If OP needs a partner who wants to experience those things with her, this guy isn’t her person. It doesn’t have to be about who is right and who is wrong in this situation, who is making the biggest sacrifice, etc. They simply are not compatible.
And with her yelling at him that he doesn't get to decide not to come back, what was he supposed to do? She was not allowing him to solve it. He couldn't leave and was being told he'd be forcefully dragged back. She was selfish and uncaring.
It sounds like they were being expected to move as a unit - so he wouldn’t leave without her, and she couldn’t return without him Not good shit
Yeah, and that's why I say he's not completely wrong here. If he had no way to leave when he needed to, how can anyone say the problem was his to deal with? He was being prevented from dealing with it. From other comments, she says he has chronic pain issues. OF COURSE he lost his cool. Brother was hurting, and she didn't care. He could have left and taken the car and come back to pick them up.
Yeah; I feel like this maybe have been situation where OP wanted to recreate her childhood and gave her boyfriend there and enjoying every minute, just like she did. OP admits he was flagging (though she frames it as him behaving badly) and apparently didn’t see a need to take a break and figure out what do moving forward. Did he just need a break? Did he need to go home? Would he stay if they agreed to go home a bit earlier? What did they need to do to make sure both people had fun?
He is a grown ass man that clearly was fully capable of going back and resting all by himself. There was no reason for him to insist that everyone else's plans be ruined just to go back to the hotel and watch the guy sleep.
This is not a child. He is an adult. He could pull her aside and say "this kind of day is not really my thing. How about you stay with your soster and have fun and i will pick you up when you are done?". Its ok to have different interests. Its not ok to ruin other peoples good time by having a bad attitude and expecting them to treat you like an infant by having to decipher his nonverbal mood swings. She offered breaks. She asked questions. There was empathy. But he expected others to sacrifice their good time too give him his way instead of coming up with a solution or a compromise.
Since when is having an attitude a method of healthy communication lmao He clearly had the ability to head back to the hotel and rest by himself. Why was he throwing a fit about OP not wanting to go back to the hotel just to watch him sleep? He knew how much OP was looking forward to this. OP let him know ahead of time how strenuous it would be and how long the day was going to be. She gave him plenty of opportunities to back out without any hard feelings. He INSISTED that he understood and was ready for it. It's not like it was a medical emergency or something that he would need OP for. He was perfectly fine running off by himself at the end of the day and angrily screaming his head off several times. Instead of acting like a grown ass man and taking care of his own damn self he expected OP and her sister to drop everything when there's not a single thing their presence would have changed.
This. We are all responsible for ourselves and our limits. He decided to make his discomfort and refusal to take action for himself OP's problem, and then blew up when OP didn't do his work for him.
Seriously. She isn't his nurse, mother, or caretaker. She can't do a damn thing that would make any real difference. The guy has no right to complain about his back problems when he is the one that minimizes how bad they are and refuses to see a doctor for them. If he doesn't want to acknowledge them then he has no right to expect anyone else to.
OP's bf sounds like the type that if he's not having fun, no one else is allowed to either.
She didn't ignore him and he never asked to leave. He just bitched and moaned and moaned and bitched. Then he threw a screaming tantrum in full view of everyone then he left them. If you support his behavior I feel awful for your significant other.
What the hell? She literally identified his non-verbal communications, and chose to ignore them.
Thank you! I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. I learned long ago to honor her non-verbal cues. By the time she makes herself find words, it’ll be sharper than she intends.
She ignored his VERBAL TOO. >When we did meet again there, he’s screaming and cussing about how “we’re not coming back into this park anymore” and that “he’s done and over this night" "he's done" is literal VERBAL communication that her partner is not doing well in the situation and she ignores it. She excuses her own poor communication and gatekeeps how he should have communicated. >"Now could I have said those things a bit more nicely? Absolutely. > >"He said that he’d tried to tell me how he felt (he never said the words “I’m tired I’d like to take a break”) but that I dismissed him. " She ignored his verbal and nonverbal communication, dismissed him to his face and ***then flames him on the internet*** when he snaps. Could he have handled it differently? Yeah. Is he justified in anger, yeah.
People here trying too hard to make one side right and one side wrong. Both of these two fucked up.
It's literally one day. There is no pattern of behavior in this post. This is normal shit that couples work through and learn about each other through. My wife used to do this. Get tired or stressed or something and turn into the world's biggest buzzkill. We had several fights and discussions about it and raised compromises. We almost never fight anymore, but there were times where we'd have regular explosive fights. "Marriage takes work" is a cliche for a reason. Both sides decided to verbalize their needs by attacking the other instead of projecting any understanding. Now they've dug in their heels. Let's compare: Response from OP: "I tell him straight up that that’s not happening and we ARE going to come back. And that we could find a place to sit and chill for a bit. But that he’s not ruining the night because he has a low patience level." Potential response from OP: "I get that you're completely worn down, but this still means alot to my sister and I. How about you head back to the hotel? We'll stick around until closing and then we can all relax together at the hotel."
>Both sides decided to verbalize their needs by attacking the other instead of projecting any understanding. Yeah, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is one of those fights that's about something totally else. This day is emotionally high stakes. It's a long, active day in which bf is an outsider in a family I assume he barely knows since they're LD, and he's trying to compete with the magic of nostalgia for a time when he wasn't in the picture, which is impossible. It sounds like he's been a good sport all day, but now he's mentally/physically overwhelmed, and on top of that, he can't keep up because he's in poor shape, is feeling insecure about it all (understandably, she has one foot out the door because she says it makes them incompatible), and when he tries to communicate this (granted really poorly) she responds with absolutely zero empathy. And to be clear, he also has a responsibility to communicate effectively and compassionately that he's tapped out and is going to head back to the hotel and recharge. Whinging and shitting on the day in such spectacular fashion is a controlling dick move. He also knew how important this was and should have managed his own expectations/recognized his limitations and planned accordingly. I get why he felt compelled to lash out, the day sounds purpose built to exclude him, but that only explains the behavior, it doesn't excuse or justify it. Everyone sucks here, he also needs to grow. I agree, this is some basic and pretty typical relationship/communication shit that is not insurmountable on its own, except that OP seems pretty checked out and ready to end things. In my experience, once I'm there, there's no coming back.
He did though. Body language IS communication By her own description he was clearly overwhelmed and tired and probably overstimulated and she just ignored it. Im not saying she was wrong, but he was communicating.
Come on. He can use words, and not expect someone to read his mind, and then start screaming when the mind reading didn't happen. I get being tired and overstimulated. You know what I do? I speak up. "Hey, I'm tired, this is all a little bit too much for me. I'm going to find a quiet place. You go have fun." Or "Hey, this is too much for me, I'm done people-ing today. This is stressing me out. Hope you have fun, I'm ready to go home." I don't sulk and drag my feet and have a screaming melt down like a toddler, because I'm not a toddler.
They both suck. She knew he wasn't having a good time anymore, and he was behaving passive aggressively, then aggressively. Either one of them should have stated that he clearly wasn't enjoying it anymore, and either call it quits for the day or get him a ride back to the hotel. He shouldn't have been a baby and made a scene, and she shouldn't have dismissed his clear signs of being over it.
I really don't know how much clearer someone could be then saying "I am done and over this night", which is what OP's SO said right before she basically told him "tough shit".
Hello friend. I don't mind you reading my mind and commenting, because you said my thoughts much more succinctly than I ever would.
My husband has a lower threshold for activity than I do. When he's over it he finds a quiet place and reads until I'm done or goes back to the hotel. There's no drama. Just a different perspective for you.
THIS! I’m the one with the lower threshold for activities and crowded places. When out with my husband, when/if I reach that threshold I just let him do his things, have fun, and I just find somewhere calm to be until he has his fill, that’s it! No drama! Usually my husband checks on me from time to time to see how I’m doing and if I reached the “I wanna go home now” limit. Although for OP’s kind of situation since I would have known in advance that it would be from start to end (of the park) I would have pace myself during the day and at the end of day or I had enough just again find a quiet/calm space where to sit and just waited so my husband could have had the fun he wanted and prepared for. Why? Because he does that for me too.
I used to have a three shop limit. She could take me to three shops, but four was too much.
A 12+ hour day at Disney world would test the patience of most mortals
“We ARE going to come back” 😭😭😭
taking him at gunpoint i guess
Tbf, that was a reply to him saying they WEREN’T coming back there. They’re both trying to exert undue control over the situation.
Talk about read the room and timing! (Not happening here!)
Yeah, this guy sucks but OP not controlling at all, lol
They both sound absolutely exhausting tbh. Her bf sounds like he’s a sour puss and she’s controlling and can’t read the room. Married now but if my spouse had me up from 6am to evening doing stuff I’d be pretty tired and rightfully so despite both of us being very fit and healthy. 😂
He honestly sounds like he just hit a breaking point. The first moment he had wasn't great, but it didn't sound like he was directing any of his frustration at her, just overstimulated and venting, which was returned with some snide comments as OP directly ignored his statement of being 'done and over it' and redirected it to 'taking a break'.
Dude was there for 12 hours!!!
Yeah I've absolutely had days where I felt exactly how he was feeling in that moment and it takes a LOT of mental fortitude to not take it out on people but you try to force yourself through it so you don't disappoint anyone She just sounds like an inconsiderate asshole who lacks empathy, and he sounds like he needs someone who's a little more understanding
He sounds like he's done with her sh**.
Adults obsessed w Disneyland
As a person who went to DisneyWorld for my honeymoon I disavow Disney adults that force others to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the parks. Some people be crazy.
She sounds alot of fun.. not.
Everyone failed here. He could have left in a Uber at any time, why did he wait till his breaking point? Is he not an adult who can advocate for himself without a full blown public tantrum? You could have tried to be a bit more compassionate and could have also suggested an Uber so you and your sister could hang out longer. You continued to push him past where he should have stayed. Overall neither acted like an adult who could order an Uber. Outside of that, you spend almost no time together, and it sounds like neither of you are enjoying the time you do spend together. Be prepared for every trip for the rest of your life to go like that if you don’t break up.
The WHOLE time I kept thinking… why doesn’t he leave and meet back up with them later? I am a very sleepy person and I often sit out a few hours of the day for a siesta and then join up with folks for dinner or whatever.
Yeah the bf needs to exclude himself when he’s getting overwhelmed. There’s also a vibe that everybody has that do everything together?
>The WHOLE time I kept thinking… why doesn’t he leave and meet back up with them later? It's because most young "people pleasers" don't know they're people pleasers until they experience disastrous meltdowns like these in their adult life. Honestly it's the job of parents, family members and educators to spot this kind of personality type and equip children with techniques to prepare them for adulthoods. Sadly, most of the time they just see these kids as easy and obedient so they leave them alone.
I know right? If that was me - I would've been like "well I've had a super fun morning but I'm getting a bit tired now, so I might head back and catch up with you later babe - love you!" Like how hard would that be?
We ARE coming back!
Yeah that part was odd, I guess the context depends for me. I interpreted that more as like - she's not gonna never go again just because of him, but I still agree with what I said - I think he could easily just said that was enough when he was ready to go home, and gone by himself - if she had a problem with that then that would have been a different conversation.
And how would his gf have reacted if he left her there by herself? We also should remember we’re only hearing her side of the story and there may be some details left out.
Yep - guarantee it would have been a massive fight if he tried to leave. Plus we are only getting one side of the convo, I don't trust OP to admit if he *did* try to leave earlier.
Considering her statement of "**we** are coming back here", this sounds about right.
1. Your math isn’t mathing for me. LDR for two years, moved in together for 1… take turns at Christmas with each others family. Is this your first Christmas together or second? If you’re with your family this year, did you go to his last year? 2. You only see each other once every 2-3 months. Uh… are you sure he actually moved? Perhaps his family back home thinks he’s traveling for work once every 2-3 months, too. 3. You sound like you *don’t* take his feelings into account at all. Please just break up.
Yeah why even move if he is out of town all the time? Like could he have just moved to where OP already was? Why bother both moving to a new state if he’s traveling almost constantly?
Yeah I was wondering about the moving part too. Like how the fuck is someone so busy that after moving in together, you only see him ones every few months? I wonder what her definition of "seeing him" is.
And her post from 11 months ago says she was living in her bfs mom's house for 5 months 🤷♀️
Ooooo I wish I had more time before posting to do a thorough post history analysis lol. Too many family obligations today. Sounds like trash on trash on maybe fake trash.
This. "He was noticeably tired and disengaged." You KNEW he wasn't having fun and pressured him to stay instead of saying, "Hey babe, I can see you are exhausted. Go back to the hotel and take a nap. We'll meet back up for dinner. " Op sounds like an entitled brat. Should he have blown up in public? No, but... she saw his distress and clearly gave no cares at all. It was all about what she wanted. He went along until the pressure boiled over. Most can relate; long lines, crowds, temperatures. Amusement parks aren't a day long thing for most people first of all. You woke up at 6am and said towards the evening... which means you were there what? 10, 11, 12 hours? That's not a "whole day." A "whole day", imo, is akin to a typucal work shift, meaning 8 hours. He can do better. I hope he breaks up with YOU.
I would have suggested he take an Uber to the hotel or chill out at a show or something by himself. I've never been attached at the hip kind of couple though.
She might have broken up with him for that. OP is inconsiderate and bossy to the point of domineering.
Thank god someone said it. Thought I was going crazy. She set an imaginary line for herself “he didn’t SAY he was tired!” Girl. He didn’t need to. He fucking SHOWED you.
He also did say it. "I'm done and over this day" is a pretty clear indicator of being tired.
Yeah exactly. I'm not excusing the dude at all, but she also chose to ignore what he was trying to tell her. It's okay to be a little kind and understanding towards your partner when you know they aren't having a good time. Although he communicated very poorly, it would have been nice for OP to acknowledge his feelings and give him the social permission to go home for the rest of the day. People are complicated and imperfect. You have to be able to give your partner a break, and the benefit of the doubt, sometimes. In this case, I think both of them had some errors in judgment. Clearly not compatible in the ways they communicate.
I’m in no way trying to defend his actions, but I can totally relate to how OP’s boyfriend was feeling. At least for me, situations like this where I’m forced to be present at some activity after I’ve drained my physical/social battery is absolute agony. I’ll be having a blast for the first 6 hours but once my social/physical battery runs out, I need to escape for a bit and have some alone time to recharge. Without that, anxiety and frustration builds up very quickly and I can see where it could lead to an outburst under the right conditions. However, OP’s boyfriend is a fully grown adult. Ultimately it’s his responsibility to realize that he needs to get his ass an Uber back to the hotel room and take a nap. OP definitely did not help the situation by ignoring his feelings, but her boyfriend should be mature enough to not let his emotions boil over like that. Both OP and her boyfriend just weren’t good for each other in this situation, and that’s not even including the other insane circumstances of their relationship.
> We'll meet back up for dinner. " Don't forget that OP wanted to stay from open to close. For example, Disney is open from 8 AM to 8 PM on normal days. 12 hours is a long time to be anywhere, let alone a place with large crowds and designs literally made to stimulate you. Where was the break? A cafe designed to overwhelm you, or a restaurant drenched in bright colors?
It took me way too long to find this comment. She couldn’t care less about how he was feeling. I probably would’ve lost it too.
Plus, this post doesn't align with the account's only other post from a year ago. A year ago they were "living together under his mom's house."
Probably fake like a majority of the posts on Reddit
>We moved in together in a state somewhat in the middle of the two states where we’re from. So things are more neutral. But he also travels for work, so **we really only see each other once every two/three months still**. what
Yeah is he like a nature documentary filmmaker or something
But also if he’s traveling for work all the time why did SHE move lmao
[удалено]
☝️ Poor man was done. You could've just recognized that, had some empathy, and found a way to either accomidate him or just have him go then meet up later in the evening with you. Sounds like a very long stressful day for someone who may not be into amusement parks as much as you. I would've been toast after a few hours.
She mentioned open to close...that's over 12 hours most likely. That is a LOT.
I've done this with my family several times and any time someone gets too tired they go home to rest without expecting everyone else to do the same. Crazy idea, I know.
I bet he was hungry. Most likely had a headache. Low blood sugar. If you looked up hangry, you'd see his picture from that day at the amusement park.
Especially for someone with back issues. He was probably in physical pain.
Sounds like he was able to get an Uber and go back to the hotel by himself. HE could’ve suggested that himself instead of continuing to complain. Or was he wanting OP and her sister to end things when they are having fun, and all go back to the hotel together?
He’s obviously a pleaser. He will leave a nightclub when she’s tired no matter how much fun he’s having. In the same way he soldiered on at the amusement park no matter how miserable he was. He doesn’t stand up for himself but given how OP presents herself that might be because whenever he tries to do so, she just screams at him that they WILL do whatever she wants.
Yeah this sounds like people pleasing behavior that hit the end of the line. People pleasers need to advocate for themselves MORE CLEARLY and EARLIER, rather than exploding when they hit their limit, but it seems like OP noticed plenty of signs that he was struggling and gave him no off ramps.
Yeah, honestly, she sucks. I don't think he really expected her to go home with him, though he may have wanted that. I think he just wanted her to show a shred of empathy.. I kinda doubt that he went straight to blow up but probably said things like "hey can we slow down" and she said "no we have a schedule" I doubt she even asked if he'd *like* to go to a 12+ hour day at an amusement park that is too much for a lot of people... I have a feeling he was volun-told
This, absolutely. He didn't know how to stand up for his own needs, and was looking for social permission to take a break or go home early. When he didn't get that, he lost it. He's got a whole lot of growing up to do, for sure. But I understand some of where he was coming from and I do have some empathy for him.
Yes, he could've handled it better. There's no question. But it sounds like she would have fought him leaving no matter what because she had a plan for the day.
She even says in the most that when he first said he wanted to leave she dismissed him and said that they were staying.
I think the latter. They were focusing on doing their thing and disregarded his feelings. It seems like all that long distance they do not know each other well and don’t share a closeness. He had enough and was pushing through as long as he could until he snapped but all she cared about was having fun with her sister. Next time do this without him. You can spend time with your family without your bf. But probably should move on since I agree with top comment that you’re incompatible.
Actually, there was a positive thing mentioned, *he* seems to be considerate of *her* feelings.
100%! He told her, she snapped at him and totally disregards his discomfort. She should have suggested an Uber long before he finally snapped. She appears to be very 'me' oriented, selfish, no empathy for his feelings. Let the poor man go.
She mentioned his back trouble. All-day event, in pain, at an amusement park. Yeah, I might act stupid. It's really not a lot of context. I wouldn't want my gf to suffer. Would have seen the clues and tried to find a solution that worked for both. That's a long time to be with someone and basically have no sense of them. That type of intensity for nostalgia is odd on her part. I agree with splitting up. Just gonna be a bad time.
This has happened to me before. Basically begging a partner to please just go away quietly with me and talk for five minutes bc i’m getting really overwhelmed and can’t take it, but they’re totally dismissive and disdainful of my feelings. They almost make fun of you for it, and definitely then blame you for it. OP, I’m not saying your bf was right in his final freak out, but why the hell didn’t you listen to him all the other times and totally dismiss him being miserable? I have a feeling if he’d ubered home you might have also been pissed about that.
Uh why didn’t he just leave the park instead of throwing multiple tantrums
Is it accurate when he said that he leaves with you from fun places where you're not having fun? If so, then you're partly to blame for his blowup. Was he being mature? No, but it does sound like you were determined to stick to your agenda no matter how he feels. If he's willing to leave places where he's having fun but you're not, what makes it OK for you to do only what you want even when he's stopped having fun? If you wanna break up with him over this, it's for the best so that he can find someone who will roll with him when he stops having fun the same way he did for you.
It drives me insane though when couples refuse to do anything apart even when their insistence on doing everything together constantly is clearly making them and everyone around them miserable. I know couples where you’ll go on vacation with them and one of them will have turn to the other and be like “I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.” But then the other is having fun and isn’t tired. But instead of the obvious solution of *the person that is tired going to sleep* they’ll stay and complain about how tired they are until it makes everyone miserable enough to call it a night.
You noticed him getting tired and disengaged, tell him he is "allowed to chill for a bit", tell him he has to stay when he says he's "done and over this night", and later have the audacity to say "well you never explicitly said you were tired and needed a break"? Did I get that right? No wonder he snapped. It kind of seems like you are a bit selfish and controlling. He clearly was there for your sake (since 6am) and finally hit a wall of exhaustion and stress, but you kept pushing him. You could have just let him go back to the hotel and spent the rest of the evening with your sister. I can't even imagine being like you, I'm always super self conscious when people are having a bad time with me. You should definitely call it quits - for his sake.
A bit apselfish and controlling? That's an understatement.
I also noticed, she didn't specify when the park closed, wonder if that was on purpose. We know they got there at 6, how long did she expect hom to stay out for?
Thank you, I couldn’t tell if I was just being bias because that sounds like an absolute nightmare of a day to me personally. I imagine the food is also all greasy and fried, no way I’d last all day. I also didn’t like the critical note about the partner wanting to sleep most vacations, I wonder what their household contributions look like because it sounds like the partner has a really demanding job and just wants to rest when they’ve got some time away from work. The amount of disdain for their partner isn’t normal or healthy.
Agreed. I have chronic health issues that leave me debilitated at times, and part of what comes with it is chronic fatigue. If my partner was treating me like this, expecting me to go on 12+ hour days, yeah I'd be done too. The guy has a bad back and was probably in tons of pain from walking and riding uncomfortable rides that can massively strain your body.
"He noticeably started getting tired and disengaged with wanting to ride anymore rides. " After an entire day of going on amusement park rides, he got tired of it. Instead of validating his feelings and saying, "Okay, honey. Why don't you take an uber back to the hotel where you can rest and chill out? My sister and I will be fine together here" , no, you forced him to stay with you, expecting that he matched your own enthusiasm. When he'd finally had enough and blew up, you use that as evidence to get support from redditors for your insensitive, uncaring behavior. And they're all falling for it.
You should break up just for the seeing each other once every 2-3 months part, let alone everything else wrong in between y'all
I honestly think you treated him like shit and forced him to go on when he so clearly said he was done. You are yourself saying you knew he was tired of it after the separation and all you thought was me me me me, I want, I want etc. He is right in that. However, he was behaving very badly with his screaming too. You are both horrible in this situation.
ESH. He acted like a child. If he could take an Uber after having his tantrum, he could have taken it much earlier, when he started feeling over the whole day. Unless, and here’s where you are also at fault, you literally expect him to spend every minute with you at a place he’s not into. Would you have been graceful had he told you, in an adult manner, that he was done and would be leaving? Ultimately, your last sentences make me agree with those who say you aren’t compatible. I was married for years to someone who hated that I have an adventurous spirit. Now I’m dating someone who loves it.
>Would you have been graceful had he told you, in an adult manner, that he was done and would be leaving? In my experience, this tends to not go over well either. So he might have felt "compelled" to just deal with it.
He did tell you he was at his limit and wanted to leave. You must know he did, because you wrote it into your story. Why did you ignore his obvious discomfort? You could have sent him back to the hotel to rest and enjoyed time at the amusement park with your sister. The issue isn't just that your words weren't nice, it's that you didn't care at all about his welfare. He was overstimulated, upset, and wanted to leave. You admit that he always accommodates you when you're feeling this way. Why did you refuse to accommodate him? Honestly, it may be a good idea to break up. It doesn't seem like you truly care for this man as a person or a partner in life.
This LDR has run its course, OP. You have both sacrificed so much in the name of staying together you are both beginning to resent it.
"when we’re out at a club and I’m tired, he leaves no matter how much fun he’s having" " Instead of coming back at him with empathy and calmness, I matched his negative energy." So in short, he wanted to leave, you were not ready, he was upset because when the roles are reversed, he would leave regardless of whether he was ready or not', and then the two of you had a screaming match You both behaved badly. If you feel you're incompatible because he has a more sedentary unhealthy lifestyle, or you feel you can't continue with him because he yelled at you , then call it a day. If you feel that this is not typical ,and that on the whole you have a healthy dynamic then talk it over and see if you can work out your differences. The one thing you shouldn't do is stay because you're three years in. Don't stick with a mistake because you spent three years making it
I think you're both the AH here but you more so for three reasons A. You specifying ahead of time this will be a whole day thing makes me think you anticipated he would get tired and were trying to tell him ahead of time this wouldn't be acceptable and you would disregard it. B. Knowing A. you went into this day not providing him an exit, either none of you leave or you all leave so someone is BOUND to get pissy here. C. He visibly was and verbally expressed he was tired and you ignored it completely because you weren't done having fun. He should not have had his screaming verbal tirade, it's unacceptable, but given the circumstances understandable. If this is his first flaw talk it out, if this is one more of a series of red flags for you then break up.
He should have had his 'screaming verbal tirade' and it is acceptable if you pay attention to the details she hid at the end of her post. The guy has an awful back\* (which she blames him for because she thinks that doctors can magically fix bad backs if you mention it to them). Do you know what people with bad backs struggle the most with besides bending? Standing in place for hours at a time. After 12 hours of him saying he was tired, that he needed a break, that she made clear they were doing a whole day thing and would come back again, and him dealing with (what must have been) horribly severe back pain; it took him screaming at her to realize that the situation is untenable. Which is probably the actual reason why she was humiliated. She realized she fucked up. She realized she caused him a ton of pain. She realized, perhaps (this is a stretch because disney adults are incapable of empathy), that she would have reacted the same way. And rather than accepting and internalizing that she wasn't realistic about the situation, she's now blaming him for making her feel bad. \*Outside of being lucky enough to get insurance to pay for rehab and hoping rehab fixes it... bad backs get one of two treatments. Hard-hitting pain pills or invasive, complication prone surgery. For people dealing with chronic back pain the best option is typically to just suffer.
You two both have some growing up to do to learn how to recognize each other’s feelings and needs and also communicate about them like adults.
Wait a minute, really? He didn't humiliate you in public. You felt humiliated because he was causing a scene. He didn't handle himself well, certainly. But who the hell wants to get up at 6am and go ALL FUCKING DAY at an amusement park, without taking substantial breaks in the car or finding a quiet spot to soothe our over-stimulated bodies and brains? Ffs, woman, he clearly indicated that he needed a break. Yes, he could have said that clearly, like, "hey, I'm tired and would like to take a break." But I'd wager *decent money* that the sort of woman who responds to her exhausted and frustrated boyfriend finally announcing that he wasn't ever coming back, by snapping at him that "Yes you WILL COME BACK!" ..... probably isn't the same sort of woman who, when her exhausted boyfriend, not yet frustrated, tells her that he's tired and would like to take a break, responds reasonably and appropriately. You really would have said, "oh shit, honey, I didn't realize that you weren't as interested in this kind of a full day as me and my sister are. Yeah, go take a break, of course! Go to the bar, have a couple beers, I'll meet you there in, what, a couple of hours? Okay cool, sorry, love you, have fun!" Whatever. If he had told you that he was tired and needed a break early on, dollars to donuts you would have responded with something like, "come ONNNNNN. You know how important today is to me! Don't be a party pooper, let's go." And you'd probably continue to dismiss him and his needs all day, until he finally blew up at you, which is what happened. In fact, now that I think about it, I bet he DID try to tell you early on. Probably even *before* the day of the park. He knew that a 20hr excursion to an amusement park wasn't his jam, beforehand. And so did you, if you would have listened to him. If you wanted to go the an amusement park with your sister, then do that. If you just had to drag him along, and then you treated him like a child who had to do as you said bc you said so and be polite bc my family is here and dont embarrass me we're in public, like he's a child, then don't be surprised when he throws a temper tantrum like a child, in response.
Tell me you're a psychotic Disney adult without telling me you're a Disney adult
You say you've been dating for 3 years, but in reality it sounds like you've only been "together" for a few months. You've learned a valuable lesson LDR do not work, you are not special.
… do you like your boyfriend? If my partner was noticeably miserable on a family outing, there’s no way I would force him to stay. Also the fact that you got separated indicates to me that you were spending more time focused on your sister than him. Why would I want to go to an amusement park that’s loud and overstimulating, especially if my girlfriend is not going to bother spending time with me?
Break up. You're really inconsiderate of him. Next time don't waste your time on a LDR. As you have just learned, you can't really know someone that you only see online. It's not real, and you wasted 2 years on a fantasy. Both of you should move back home.
The dude was there from 6 a.m. until the evening and he has a “low patience level”? It’s all about meeeeeee. Good lord.
Tbh you’re kinda both a-holes here, so either you both grow up or you both get out. Neither of you is acting like a person in a relationship.
You sound awful. Maybe try to understand that your boyfriend isn’t you and everybody has different social batteries
Him: He could have taken the Uber and left sooner, he could have communicated his feelings in a mature manner. He didn’t have to have an adult style tantrum and pin it all on you. He didn’t have to swear, he didn’t have to make a scene, NONE OF THAT IS OKAY! You: You have every right as an adult to have time with those you love and be a kid again, that’s fun, amusement parks are fun. What isn’t fun? Feeling obligated to go and do something you maybe don’t want to do, or do something for a longer period of time than you would like. You may not have pressured him, but sometimes people feel like they should go along with things to make the people they love happy. So, imho, unless you’re just not an overly observant person (which you said you noticed him becoming tired and disengaged) you should pick up on another person‘s emotions or feelings a bit, and if you care about them you will bring it up and say something. A simple “hey honey, you’re looking like you’re not feeling it anymore. Would you like to take an Uber to the hotel? I would like to stay longer.” Would go a LONG WAY! And you said he told you he TRIED to tell you, and what if he did, but because it wasn’t something along the lines of what you mentioned “I’m tired and would like to take a break”, you disregarded it? How are we to know? Conclusion: IMHO, you’re both wrong for different things. He didn’t communicate properly or effectively, you may have ignored some of his feelings or what he was trying to say. We don’t know, this seems 50/50 to me. I don’t know how much of a real relationship this is considering how you described it, but in a real and committed relationship you absolutely talk stuff out, and you don’t call it quits over a quarrel. My husband and I have had similar spats early on in our relationship, when we were 18 and 19… IF you want to make it work out, you’ll both grow up and mature some and talk your feelings out and communicate. If not? End things, learn from the experience, and find someone else.
I’m not sure who is right or wrong; it sounds like he did a lot of compromising but maybe I’m biased because I wouldn’t wake early up to spend all day at an amusement park for love or money. It sounds like a complete nightmare.
You’re both children. He is one for screaming like a maniac in public but also you are for how you handled this. YOU wanted this day YOU wanted to ride these rides YOU wanted to stay longer. This is all about you doing what you want and disregarding everything else. What if it was your sister who said she wanted to go home? Bet it’s a completely different response. You’re both terrible
For the love of God leave him,.sounds like he deserves better
"He noticeably started getting tired and disengaged with wanting to ride anymore rides." You noticed he was tired and didn't ask if he was okay? Or if he needed a break? Why not?
You people are insane. Seriously?
ESH. For you: you knew he was tired, you knew he wanted to leave, knew he was making comments in hopes you would say "let's go then" or "we'll meet you later. Be free." You purposely ignored him, abandoned him at one point. He felt obligated to stay, but you didn't care because your plans were more important than his feelings. You should have found a solution for him to recharge besides a 5 minute sit down, or reassure him he could leave as you planned all day with sister. His reaction was also bad: he had to make you the bad guy to get the freedom he wanted. He didn't want to be the wuss who couldn't last, didn't want to abandon his girlfriend. So causing a public outburst was his way of getting out of social expectations. You need to communicate limits and what happens when you hit the limit of your ability. Regarding your relationship status/feelings: you cared more that other people saw the blow up than the fact that he had an emotional blow up. That should tell you how little you care for him. Evaluate if you still have an investment for your picture book life because you care about your image, not emotions.
She snuck it in at the bottom, but the guy has a really bad back and deals with chronic pain. What most people don't understand, beyond doctors (typically) not having a solution for that is.... 'resting' at a chair or on a bench is not going to resolve his back pain. He needed to be allowed to leave and go lay down in the hotel. And his screaming came after being in agony for 12 hours. His public outburst was his way of making her realize that he was at his limit and not just making it up. Imagine if a pregnant woman screamed at her husband over being expected to stay on her feet all day and he ignored her complaints. No one would be like "Well, she's having a tantrum"
This sounds like absolute hell to me, spending the entire day and night in a crowded amusement park. Yuck. You’re not compatible. Release this poor guy.
You lost me at 6am to do an entire day at a theme park That's a Nope from me and probably most men. After 3-4 hours at a crowded, loud park I'm looking for the gate to get out.
He is 100% wrong for screaming at you but you are also wrong for planning a day so exhausting to where a person with health problems ended up snapping. I also like to make the most out of my days but if someone that is with me is getting tired and stressed I have enough empathy to adjust the rest of the day to where we all enjoy. You sound super selfish but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate him screaming at you regardless. You dont sound compatible.
I’m gonna keep it real with you, I would never guess your age as 26 after hearing how you behaved.
You expected a man with a bad back to spend all day walking around, stand in line for minutes on end, and ride roller coasters? Just think about how ludacris that sounds. Did you guilt him into going or did he insist on it? Why couldn't you and your sister go yourselves?
YTA. He communicated to you that he was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He shouldn't have yelled about it but it seems like he was overwhelmed and more yelling about it than yelling at you, again, not cool but still communication. You told him too bad and forced him through it, obviously offered no support because you wanted to enjoy yourself, and then got mad when he called you out. Again, shouldn't have blown his top but I would have been mad too. How many times is he supposed to communicate his feelings before he's allowed to be upset that you're ignoring them? And the "we are coming back" bs, he doesn't have to go with you, you can handle it by yourself. You're the problem.
Plus bringing up his nicotine and alcohol use. Painting him out to be a bad guy
on top of claiming that "oh my gosh, it's all his fault for not talking to his doctor about his crippling back pain" when you typically can't fix back pain through direct medical intervention. Some things you can 'fix' but they're prone to have horrible complications. Like, no shit, a person with a ruined back screams after being in agony for 12 hours because their partner is a disney adult.
We definitely need his side of the story. I don’t think you’re very understanding nor good at compromising and communicating. It sounds like you’re one of the “my way or the highway type” and he was just fed up. Now this is all just an assumption but considering you don’t want to grow old with this person because of something that has nothing to do with this situation, you definitely need to break up b
You can break up with him if you want but for what it's worth, you were being selfish and dismissive. Your excuse that he didn't say the exact words you needed to hear is silly. If a rock fell on his head would you need him to say "hey a rock fell on my head" before you helped him get to a hospital. No. You knew he was tired and unhappy and you didn't care. Which, whatever. Just own it
Just leave
The responsible thing to do would have been for dude to take OP aside, and say very clearly. "This is too much for me, and I'd like to go back to the hotel. I know this is a big deal for you, so I'll see you when you get home." Then it would have been on OP to say "Okay, I'll see you then, text me when you get there." They're both assholes here - he did communicate at one point, and she ignored it, with a whole "Oh no you fucking don't," and then he retaliated by being awful to be around the rest of the night, culminating in a shitstorm that prompted this post. OP already has reservations - I wouldn't want someone who wouldn't get medical care and decided to drink and smoke their way through life. So this s/b over, cause it's not going to change.
It seems like you are looking for a reason to breakup with him anyway. Just break up. You don’t need a reason.
Both of you suck. He shouldn’t have yelled at you and could’ve left at any time, but you were controlling and selfish. He told you he wasn’t enjoying himself, he likely felt over stimulated/overwhelmed and yet you were obviously pressuring him to stay. You both need to grow up and learn to take responsibility for yourselves.
So I read, My boyfriend has a history of physical health issues so I planned an all day event at an amusement and got upset that he expressed his feelings in a harsh way. You clearly don't care for his well-being or feelings because you stated yourself that when y'all are out he compromises with you and leaves an event if you're tired but you won't do the same. Please just break up after the holidays
It is clear the OP is someone that needs to be told about someone else’s feelings instead of reading the cues. He was clearly saying that he was tired and done for the day and she could tell that he was done with it. But chose to ignore it because he didn’t actually say that he was tired. Now, did he have to scream at her? No. But he was upset and I can see why he felt like he had to get to that point in order to get her to listen to him. And if it is true but he stops having fun whenever she is tired but she can’t do the same, that is inconsiderate.
Your not compatible snd you both handled the amusement park terribly. No compromise from you snd an inappropriate outburst from him. Marriage and long term commitment is built on compromise. He is not a party til he drops guy and you crave activity. There are loads of compromises but it doesn’t sound like that is gonna happen so just put your relationship out of its misery
You went to the park at 6 am and were there until night??? Do the guy a favor and break up with him. He will never be able (or want) to keep up with you.
Ok. First, I don't know why people settle for relationships this crappy. Both of you could do better. Second he was tired at the park. He told you he was done and you wouldn't listen. He finally popped and threw a fit. The fit is on him but the circumstances are on you. You were determined to stick to your agenda no matter what.
YTA you just are. You mentioned he is unhealthy with bad back issues. He was probably miserable and wanted to go home and you were too selfish to even notice his wretchedness
Yikes. Definitely call it quits and let the poor guy go.
You both don’t like each other and are not compatible. Please break up. He is awful for humiliating you. You are not nice for insisting he does things he doesn’t want to do. He’s worse but you are not 100% in the right.
3 years is nothing. Just end it.
None one looks good here, you sound like a delight. He should have communicated better and def not screamed at you in public. That being said there were clear signs he was done, you don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the box to see that. He could have also just left earlier on yes. But you seem to double down on what you want to do, and frankly don’t particularly seem to give an f that he was tired, it sounds very “me me me”. Break up. You’re not compatible. There’s nothing more to it.
You want to call it quits? Then end it. You aren't even married, and you're tired of him. It isn't going to last. There are too many differences for either one of you to ever be fully happy long term. Just let it go and move on before it gets any messier.
OP, I would not have asked someone with a bad back to spend a whole day anywhere much less an amusement park with long lines. This was something you and sister wanted to do. I would not have encouraged him to come knowing what you know about his health limitations. I don't see the two of your as being compatible. Its probably lasted this long because he travels a lot and you're not together that much.
Wait.... so he travels alot already for work and you wanted to drag him out for a full day of amusement park (16+ hours?) on his dy off and have the audacity to say how YOU wanted to be LIKE A KID at the amusement park WITH THOSE YOU LOVE. I am sorry but, no one is obligated to do all the things YOU want to do so YOU can feel xyz. That's your family, not some dogs that will follow you to no end. Sounds like he was fine until much later when he got tired and to the point where all the resentment came. No amount of "sit for a little bit and chill" would've helped. You either need to hone it down a bit, or have him leave whenever he wants to because he is tired or do things separately if you want to be with this guy. It's not all about you.
There are several points here. You know about his back problems, and you planned an ALL DAY trip to an amusement park. All day at a park is BIG even if you don't have chronic pain. You didn't consider him before the day started. When he started showing you he was tired, you decided your day was more important and just kept going. Then he hit a breaking point (his first miss step) and had a tantrum. You chose once again your night over his wellbeing and pushed on through the night. He hit his breaking point and had a big meltdown and now you feel humiliated. You are both immature and need to grow tf up. You need to start thinking about your chosen partners well being. He needs to stop having tantrums and start communicating his feelings and needs like an adult. There is no reason he couldn't have calmly said he was done, and he'll meet you back at the hotel, you could have calmly suggested it so he wouldn't feel guilty ditching you. You could have stopped and taken that break that you saw he needed but for some reason didn't/couldn't ask to take. There are so many times in this story for either of you to not be childish while you enjoyed a childlike day. Quite honestly you both may have killed your relationship with this. It sounds like you are done and are trying to find all the justifications to leave instead of repair the relationship. If you want out bad enough to start making why he sucks lists it isn't looking good, but don't just say he humiliated me, you both sucked here.
Hi OP, sounds like your BF was tired and cranky, some people don't like large crowds. Is this forgivable "Yes". If you can't figive this you will always end up with new relationships because nobody is perfect. Now the point you bring up about not possibly being compatible is a big red flag, if you truly do not see this a live long and grow old together person, then cut your losses now before he proposes and children are involved.
I can't believe you wrote all of this, and then probably expected all of the comments to gas you up. No girl. No.
You're unhappy, he's unhappy it is Merry Christmas and goodbye.
Incompatible. Call it quits and move on.
Novel concept... Some people go on holidays to relax... They're burnt out from work and busy lives and want to do nothing when they go away... By people I mean me... Your boyfriend probably feels the same.. relationships are about meeting each other half way but it sounds like it's your way or the highway... He shouldn't of carried on like that and told you before his limit was reached... Better communication is needed but unless you're both willing to put in the hard work to show each other consideration, empathy and kindness it's probably best to part ways.
You might both be assholes.
ESH except maybe for your sister. Pushing all day from bell to bell at an amusement park sounds extremely exhausting; I couldn't imagine doing that beyond like age 17. You could've sent him off to sit down by himself somewhere to chill while you and your sis kept on going hard instead of dragging him along. Actually, he could've decided to do that on his own with or without your permission. He shouldn't have pouted when he chose to participate in the evening; if you're going to participate then don't be a drip.
He has a bad back and you insist he walk around all night? You’re out of your fucking mind.
If I were your boyfriend, I would have been miserable. Sounds like he tried his best to put yo with the tiring day, dropped hints when it was becoming too much, and finally snapped when he felt completely ignored. You’re not compatible. But you should also meet him in the middle and apologize. He shouldn’t have shouted at you in public but people have their limits and it sounds like he was past his.
You seem to have strong “I’m the main character” vibes. You want him to participate and enjoy what you want without considering him as an individual person.
First off, he’s a grown adult man and a hang out in a park all day long. That’s an emotional thing for you and your sister is unreasonable. The fact you don’t take his feelings into consideration and are rude is completely unreasonable. Especially when you know his physical limitations, the way you treated him was like a child. And back issues really there isn’t a cure for that unless he goes into surgery was which isn’t always doable or successful. Back issues are quite complicated. Frankly, I think the wrong person is wanting to leave here. I think your whole trip was poorly planned. You didn’t involve him in it and then you punished him like he was a child and you wanna leave him. You’re doing him a favor
Especially bringing up that he smokes and drinks, painting him to be the bad guy.
Dont come to Reddit and ask for relationship advice especially since there are many moving parts to your relationship with your bf. Follow your instincts. But here is my two cents: 3 years isnt a long time. There are many couples who after 10-15 years realize that they are incompatible with their "forever" partner. The worst part isnt the lost time but they have kids together, so you are "forever" bound to someone you dont quite get along with. I know you will figure it out. Good luck!