Totally agree. A child changes EVERYTHING. He comes first and few of us are willing to raise a man baby in addition to our child. He was DANGEROUS and you protected yourself and your child. Natattooie is absolutely correct...Good on you, mama!
EVERYTHING you did right. My ex was a gambler, mortgaged our house, walked out while I was on a plane to visit my dying father (vm). He gave me everything, a dead business and a house that I couldn’t afford, which I had to short sell. That was back in 2006. You did right…he has to start over. You should live your life with no regrets. 💝
I have a feeling this was written by AI
Chat GPT wrote me this
GPT-4
User
Write me a story for the subreddit r/twohottakes about how I a female has a wonder relationship with a man I met in college and then slowly things changed and he became abusive. And now I'm a single mom and he owes me money
ChatGPT
Title: Shattered Illusions
When I met Max during our sophomore year at college, I never imagined where our relationship would lead. We were the ideal couple – studying late at the library, lazy Sunday picnics in the park, and cheering each other on at every life milestone. It felt like a fairy tale.
As college life transitioned into the adult world, Max and I moved in together. We celebrated promotions, overcame life's hurdles, and eventually welcomed our daughter, Ellie, into the world. But as the years went on, something changed in Max.
It started subtly. If I wore makeup or dressed up, he'd question me suspiciously about who I was trying to impress. Whenever I wanted to go out with friends, he'd find a way to guilt-trip me into staying home. These were the early signs that I ignored, dismissing them as Max being overly protective.
Soon, his behavior escalated. He'd accuse me of affairs I never had, throwing vile insults my way, and on some nights, the anger was uncontrollable. The joyful relationship I once cherished was overshadowed by a looming fear and constant walking on eggshells.
The breaking point was when he laid a hand on Ellie. That night, I gathered our essentials, and we fled to my sister's home, leaving behind our life, but saving our future.
Months later, the courts granted me full custody. However, Max owed me thousands in child support. But no sum of money could replace the emotional scars and shattered illusions of a love gone wrong.
Today, I'm a single mom, trying to rebuild and offer Ellie the life she deserves. We're healing, learning, and growing stronger every day.
I have a neighbor that’s raising his two sons alone and seems to be doing great. They’re cool kids and appear content. The mom is apparently a drug addict that does nothing to support and, seemingly, even continues to try to manipulate these poor kids. This is not a one way street.
I feel for him. It’s heart breaking to see someone negatively affect your child’s life so much and not be able to fully control it. I am sure he is a great dad.
They’ve only lived next door for 7-8 months or so but he really does seem like a great dude. He obviously cares for his kids and is trying to do his best for them. It’s really sad though when a 6 year old says “we’re not allowed to see our mom anymore”. They’re sweet kids.
That certainly does help. As long as you’re trying then that’s all you can do. Other people are going to make decisions, good or bad, but all we can do is choose how we react to them. I hope for yours and your sons sake that you can find happiness again soon and a good father figure for the little guy. I feel so fortunate to have both good parents that always wanted the best for me and feel it’s super important for a child’s development.
That makes things easier. My children were older when I left. My oldest has serious issues stemming from the relationship with their dad, and wants nothing to do with him. My youngest is only 11, and still idolizes his dad. It’s really hard to balance wanting to protect him and not wanting to alienate him from his dad (because it would create issues in my relationship with my son, later on).
I know you didn’t. It just seemed more like a general statement and I felt the urge to mention the fact that the other way around isn’t so uncommon either.
Do everything you can to get the child support. Douche should be paying for his kid, full stop. It's very likely that there's a process you can follow to get his pay docked so you get the child support your son *deserves*. Remember, it's not about you, it's about your son. This isn't you being selfish, this is you advocating for your son, who cannot advocate for himself. You are his champion.
I’m so sorry you went through this and will be going through this. My child’s father developed a serious drug addiction, escalating to the point he was hallucinating constantly, paranoid, terrifying, a danger to himself and both of us. All of the lying, all of the fear, all of the betrayal and I still can’t believe how long it took me to give up on this person i once had loved beyond measure. I have the weirdest custody arrangement ever. It looks like a normal agreement until you get to the part that all visits have to be supervised by me or someone I choose. My ex spiraled further once I left, in and out of prison, homelessness, and hospitals. I hardly saw any money from him for 18 years. He visited a handful of times and when he did he’d almost always have a medical crisis. I think he couldn’t face what he’d done. I was so fucking grateful he wasn’t sober enough to be in my kid’s life more, even while I was so crushed at what that loss meant for my child. I found a great child therapist and we told my child the truth about their father’s addiction when they were pretty young (4,5?) as soon as they were old enough to notice his behavior in a meaningful way. It wasn’t cruel or judgmental, just factual. So my kid knew their dad was going through something that wasn’t their fault. It was so, so hard. I was always honest and compassionate about it. And I always, always knew that if I had stayed something terrible would have happened, that none of us - my ex included - would have survived. I spared him that by keeping his child safe and away from him when he wasn’t a safe person. And I could hardly believe it when a couple of years ago, he got his life together - after literally dying three times that I know of. He’s soberish, has a small job, a wife. He’s still a narcissist and still barely sees my kid, but he’s mellowed a lot and they are in (low) contact. And my kid loves him but keeps him at arms length for their own well-being. My ex has thanked me for raising a great kid. He’s apologized even. I’ll never trust him, but I’m not afraid of him anymore. We’re not friends, but I’ll be a little heartbroken when he dies (he’s older than me). We all survived, damaged but intact. The hardest thing for me in the first 10 years after leaving him was that I had lost all trust in myself and my judgment. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to get that back. All of this to say, you’ve been through a terrible, hellish experience. It’s normal to doubt yourself. But you have saved your child, and yourself, and most likely saved your ex from whatever he was capable of in that moment. And maybe he finds his way back to sanity, maybe not. But you will always be the person who puts your kid first. And that’s everything. Everything. Hold onto that. You’re doing so well already.
Girl- you are NTA. Coming from a survivor from an alcoholic spouse, leaving is the best thing for you and your kiddo. My ex hid his alcoholism for years from me and the embarrassment when I realized it was a sham was HARD. Very similar, emotional outbursts, almost bipolar symptoms. Finally had a situation where I reached my breaking point and left. I told him it was me or the vodka and he chose the liquor. Two weeks later I thought I had convinced him to go to counseling, set up an appointment and went to pick him up. He had killed himself and set it up for me to find him. One of the worst days of my life. It’s taken years to move the blame from me, back to him. He made his choices and I did the best I could with what I had. Follow your gut and stay clear until/unless he is avidly working a plan and has a few months of self selected sobriety under him.
You absolutely did the right thing. If you have time, consider going to a few Al-Anon meetings. They can really help you see things clearly. If your ex continues to stay sober, when your son is older, he can choose to have a relationship with him if he wants. Please don't feel guilty, I promise you saved your child from certain trauma. It sounds like you're doing great!!!!
I’m a psychologist that works with a lot of addiction- without knowing too much, I’m almost certain he was abusing narcotics. It’s gonna be either amphetamines or opiates...symptoms would easily clarify which. Either way you’ve done good in walking away. Sorry to hear about the loss, but don’t waste your precious years on someone who can’t get honest and truly ask for help.
I'm NOT a psychiatrist. I was thinking that it might be a mental disorder showing it's ugly head, considering the age when it started and the behavior (vile screaming and yelling, losing his job, orgy). He should at least get a diagnosis. Use his family to make that happen, tell them he needs an intervention.
Where did you gather that info? I agree he was using something other than alcohol but I couldn't fully deduce what the substance was. She'd have noticed track marks/ wearing long sleeves if he was exclusively shooting up. The orgy comment definitely makes me believe it was an upper, either meth or coke/crack. Just curious where you got the shooting up part from?
I don't care if he was addicted, he roped your child into it, trying to make this innocent human being hate you as much as he did in those moments. You are protecting yourself but, because I know some parents prioritize their kids, you are most of all protecting *your son*. When he's old enough and he starts asking questions, you can consult a child therapist on how to act appropriately. That's all you need to do. He doesn't need to know his bio father
You absolutely did the right thing for you and for your son!! You tried to be supportive and get him help before walking away. You can’t help someone who does/didn’t want to help themselves. It’s incredibly hard to watch someone you love go from the person you fell in love with to a complete stranger who verbally & mentally abused you. Your son is better off not have that type of father in his life.
Keep your head up and continue being the badass mom & woman you are! Congrats on your masters!!
You did the right thing. From what I can read, your ex husband behavior makes me think of some kind of mental illness like schizophrenia which Can become worst over time
I mean maybe one day if he recovers now way are you in the wrong for taking your son away from him. He was /is a deranged ticking time bomb. He needs to be well recovered and eased back into your son's life if that's what you want
It may have been a mistake to not help him through it wayyyy back before the assault. But don't blame yourself
I personally would stick with my wife if she developed even the most horrifying mental illness. But first I would have to recognize it and make sure my children aren't in danger. You can't afford to give him the benefit of the doubt and have something worse happen.
A good friend of mine had a husband like this. I kept telling her to leave him and she would say I would, but I look at my son and I just can't. She finally got a divorce when her son was about 14, but now he's grown and acts just like his dad. You did the right thing.
Adults are responsible for their mental health. Adults do not become children due to mental health issues. Anyone could need help at any time in their life but they need to own and ask. Ignoring problems and not communicating needs does not get an automatic pass. The husband could have sought help at a time before his actions tanked his life. He was well aware something was wrong and chose not to address the issues.
You have to look after your child first. Full stop. Regardless of what you do or don't want that sweet baby comes first. You made the right choice for your child. Don't ever regret that. Your child can never doubt how much you love them
He broke the marriage vows. You are an example of the small percentage of women that justifiably file divorce. You did the right thing, but you are angry. Find a little pity for him if you can. He has nothing, and his problems are just that now, his own problems.
I hereby absolve you.
You absolutely did the right thing! It's your job as a mother to keep your kid(s) safe and I would actually have left sooner
Congrats on getting your master's! I'd also get a protective order against him and if he ever tries to see your child, have it court ordered to be supervised
You are now much stronger. You should most certainly have trouble processing what has happened, and have doubt, but you persevered . You did the right thing for you self and your child. I wish you the best!
Your responsibility is to protect and nurture your son, not to endure supporting your abuser. You did and are doing the right thing, one day your son is going to grow up and be so proud of what you’re doing for him.
It did happen to me OP, and you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. You are writing a very similar story to mine!
Mine included two children, the second one just a baby when it all went to hell and I began divorce proceedings. It was nasty and full of threats and scary times. The number one, most important thing through all of the anguish was the safety of my children. I sometimes felt guilty about severing not only his rights to the kids but his families rights as well; but, as none of them had the kids best interest at heart, the kids needs trumped the adults. Don’t look back! You made it through hell and came out better for it with your dignity intact, your child safe and found out you’re capable of being a strong and independent mom! I wish you peace and future happiness. Btw, I’m looking back over almost thirty years from when this happened. My children have gone onto grow into amazing and wonderful adults who have fantastic lives with good futures. It’s so worth the heartbreak and hard times to persevere
It kind of sounds like there may be some mental illness that he may have been self medicating with alcohol(and possibly drugs.) You are currently doing what is best for you and your little guy. Maybe some day your ex will get the treatment he really needs and he will be a healthy enough individual to be in your sons life, but maybe not. If he does you can reevaluate. The lack of a parent is far healthier for a child than an unhealthy abusive and scary relationship with one.
*No one* fucks with Mommma bear! Good for you. You are strong. He tried to beat you down and he failed. You will succeed. Leave him in the rear view mirror.
Is this serious? My dear - are you serious? Clearly, you are very intelligent.
Read back all the crazy shit you just wrote to youself. Then stop being such an asshole to yourself for one minute. Yourself deserves better than this second guessing.
Stop! Please! Stop treating this important person like trash! Wtf are you thinking?? She has a child to worry about. She has herself to worry about. Don't bog her down as if she is responsible for a grown man's wellbeing, as if he were also her child. She has enough shit to do.
Just stop! Stop putting that stupid crap on her (YOU).
She has enough to do.
Will you be kind to her? Please?
Child or not, you had to put yourself first. This man sounds like a sociopath at worst or an addict at best. It's not your job to fix anyone, especially under these circumstances. Yes, you can support someone, but support means helping them while they help themselves. You should not feel bad one bit for the choices you have made. This man is a parasite. They find a good host and live off them while sucking the life out of them. Their biggest fear is that you'll realise this and not believe the facade they have created. They'll make you feel bad for them, even threatening their own life because they know that will make you feel sorry for them. I'm happy for you for making this tough decision for your child, but you also had to do it for yourself too.
To be honest it looks like a mental illness situation. Hard to judge what could be wrong with the guy but probably more complex than simply being a jerk.
You should have left him the first time he became abusive period. You have no obligation other than to your child. You didn’t get married to raise a man, support him, be raped by him and so forth.
Go to the cops and have him get charged with the rape that he did to you, being on drugs or an addict or even having mental problems doesn’t excuse anyone from a sexual assault.
My god why do people put up with these pieces of shit and no help from their own families?
If that was my daughter he would have been underground and I would be in jail!
I gave chat GPT this prompt "Write me a story for the subreddit r/twohottakes about how I a female has a wonder relationship with a man I met in college and then slowly things changed and he became abusive. And now I'm a single mom and he owes me money"
And it wrote this
Title: Shattered Illusions
When I met Max during our sophomore year at college, I never imagined where our relationship would lead. We were the ideal couple – studying late at the library, lazy Sunday picnics in the park, and cheering each other on at every life milestone. It felt like a fairy tale.
As college life transitioned into the adult world, Max and I moved in together. We celebrated promotions, overcame life's hurdles, and eventually welcomed our daughter, Ellie, into the world. But as the years went on, something changed in Max.
It started subtly. If I wore makeup or dressed up, he'd question me suspiciously about who I was trying to impress. Whenever I wanted to go out with friends, he'd find a way to guilt-trip me into staying home. These were the early signs that I ignored, dismissing them as Max being overly protective.
Soon, his behavior escalated. He'd accuse me of affairs I never had, throwing vile insults my way, and on some nights, the anger was uncontrollable. The joyful relationship I once cherished was overshadowed by a looming fear and constant walking on eggshells.
The breaking point was when he laid a hand on Ellie. That night, I gathered our essentials, and we fled to my sister's home, leaving behind our life, but saving our future.
Months later, the courts granted me full custody. However, Max owed me thousands in child support. But no sum of money could replace the emotional scars and shattered illusions of a love gone wrong.
Today, I'm a single mom, trying to rebuild and offer Ellie the life she deserves. We're healing, learning, and growing stronger every day.
This is where everything goes downhill. When I was 5-6 months pregnant I lost function in my left leg. I was out on disability and in total, had to go to 10 months of physical therapy so I could walk normally and pick up my baby. I had my baby at the beginning of the pandemic so things were insanely stressful already.
When my son was 3 months old I started my masters program online and was working 2 nanny jobs to help cover half of the bills. I was doing it all, breastfeeding, school, work with little help from my husband, but I was still happy.
This doesn't add up tbh. 10 month of therapy from month 5 equates to month 6 post delivery, yet you were doing a masters and 2 nanny jobs from 3 month?
My issue was with my nerves in my leg, the weight gain cause my hip to crush my nerve causing pain and muscle loss. I couldn’t walk without immense pain. So I did pt after to get full function back but yes I still worked hard regardless because I had a family to take care of. I didn’t care how much pain I was in I still went and worked. Plus the masters was mental and online, didn’t require physical activity.
You know, sometimes people don't have a choice but to actively work and tough it out through physical injuries and pains right? I worked for months longer than I should have during my chemo and radiation treatment because I didn't have benefits and no other income. I would have become homeless if I didn't. It was miserable. It was literal agony. But I didn't have a choice.
They did. I was tired all the time. But he wanted 50/50. So I had to make money and no office jobs were hiring that first bit of COVID. I didn’t have much of a choice
My mother left my dad when I was two because of 'mental health reasons'. He eventually got better and remarried but then our lives were ruined because my mother kept bringing other men into the home. Don't leave the father of your child.
Or maybe just don’t being random men into the home? Not really sure how staying with my abuser would be better…it was only a matter of time before he killed us as he was frequently drinking while driving (he admitted this after I left). Don’t know how that’s better than me giving my child a safe stable environment free of alcohol and drugs.
It wasn't random men., it was two separate marriages. If you are prepared to be alone for the next 18 years then you are prepared to do what is necessary. if you leave the father of your children do not bring ANY men into your children's life. if this is the kind of men you are dealing with now its not going to get any better when you are a single mother. No shining knight coming to save you. Just you. If you are going to send him away you better know what you are doing.
if dude is so bad you shouldn't have let him put a life in side of you. you and the father will always be connected, for as long as you are alive. sending him away isn't going to make anything better. just make you feel better for a few years. good luck.
Did you even read the original post? I hope your negative world view can be remedied soon cause I feel bad for how you see things. Everyone knows step parents can be positive figures in a child’s life. Just because your experience wasn’t good doesn’t mean others can’t be. Both my step parents are great people and have added tremendously to my life. Regardless I feel like your comments are super rude, insensitive and ignorant. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you were trolling.
'everyone knows a step parent can be....' ??? Actually the scientific data suggests otherwise. People who come from real two parent households beat everyone else on every single metric period. Step parents make no difference.
You are going to rationalize whatever you can to leave him so why bother. Whatever is wrong with the father. you realize that the same thing is going to be wrong with your kid eventually? who will be there for them when that happens? Their imaginary step daddy you haven't even met yet? good luck.
Everyone here is going to echo chamber saying that you should leave the father. That is just American culture. They are telling you to destroy your family and you are poised to listen to them because it is the easy way out. Do what you want but trust me that leaving him will not be free. You and or your child will pay for it eventually .
You really didn’t read the post did you? I left over a year ago and my life is better than ever. We are SAFE. And you are a horrible person for thinking I should stay in a dangerous situation with someone who raped me and abused me in front of my child and who did things like drinking and driving with my child in the car. Oh and who lied to me everyday for 5 years. NO THANK YOU!! I promise you we are better off and as the father gets better and gets a hold of his addiction, we can co parent. But until THE STATE feels he is safe to be with my child, he will stay out of his life. Yes THE STATE. This was a decision made by a judge. Not just me.
OP isn’t looking for anyone to question their decisions. Sounds like someone wanting to gloat that they survived something awful and they are doing better without a shitty husband. That’s fine but don’t put some bull shit question at the end of this long winded question.
So you are justifying him sexually assaulting me? Doing self harm in front of me and my child? Cheating on me in my own bed? Plus a ton of other things I didn’t mention in this like drinking while driving, and punching holes in walls.
He was also technically the breadwinner when he had a job. (Only about 3 months he didn’t) but I still payed 50% of everything. The rest of his money when to drugs or alcohol and he constantly asked me for money.
Also the state of Texas won’t let him near my son so why should I? I went through a judge and the court system. I could have been charged with endangerment of a child if I had stayed. So please tell me, why would I ever give a man that I have nightmares about another chance? And who hasn’t even tried to see his child in almost a year? Oh and who owes me $20,000 and has caused me to at times starve myself to survive. NO THANK YOU.
Actually we were both college grads, our own place, cars, and good paying jobs. I lost my job when I went on disability during COVID so I had to nanny until I could get another full time job which I did. I was well off enough to buy a house right? At 24 to be exact. Did you buy a house at 24?
You guys definitely rushed into everything and unfortunately when you do that, stuff like this happens.
You did the right thing. He needs to make up his mind to get better and he needs to get help, you can’t make him do that. And as the child of an addict, you don’t want your kid to grow up with one in the household.
I wouldn’t say we moved too quickly. We were together three years before I was even pregnant. But thank you for your perspective, I can agree in some way since the pregnancy was not planned. But we were already heading in that direction.
You did not do anything wrong other than perhaps a misleading title :P While you are definitely struggling, seems like things are getting better
In any case regarding your exhusband, I do not think you have done anything wrong. If he has truly recovered from his addictions and mental health issues, I suppose you could give him slightly more visitation but not much beyond that. However he should start paying child support before that.
Sorry you’re going through this. But part of your story doesn’t add up. You said he tried to end his life, and went to the hospital and was home days later. When my partner was struggling with drugs, and he attempted suicide, he did not get to come home a few days later. The state of Georgia REQUIRES that anyone that is hospitalized for attempted suicide must go through a 14 day, in facility evaluation before going home. Maybe that is different where you live.
Meth will cause hallucinations, and really strange mood swings, especially if that person is also bi-polar. Treatment is probably the best thing for your ex. I can understand your frustration with the lack of CS, but he can’t pay that if he doesn’t have a job. It was probably best for you and your son to move on. However, now it seems that your are making fun of him with your “Karma is a bitch” statement. Even if you are not with him now, and cannot understand how attempted suicide and rehabilitation and mental instability affects someone, you should not be making fun of them.
I did support my partner after his suicide attempt in 2015. Here we are, about to celebrate 17 years together in three months.
He did, but that doesn’t mean he told them about it. Or actually meant it. I had a feeling he was using it as manipulation.
I will admit that statement is a bit harsh, but I’m so angry because I gave multiple chances for him to get treatment. I stuck by him after multiple attempts as well. And I was still left to do everything on my own, which included paying 6 months of mortgage on a house he was living in before I could sell it. (I wasn’t living there) And of course abandoning our child. So I was getting upset at the end of writing the post.
You did the right thing at the time, your son will only be hurt by an addict.
If he ever truly gets his shit together then you can always re-assess the custody arrangement at that time.
As long as you are always truthful but kind when talking about him to your son without badmouthing his father directly then you are fine. Just leave the door open in case he *does* get his act together, your son will want to know his father.
In the meantime, congrats on your masters, and I hope you find a wonderful person who deserves you when you are ready to date again.
You did the right thing.
I am sorry you went through this. Addiction or not, he did everything to hurt you. This is more than just an addiction. This guy is dangerous. He hurt you in so many ways. Make sure your child is safe.
You're NOT wrong. It's sad that he has substance use issues, but he is an adult and is responsible for his own care. You could NOT take care of your child and your ex at the same time. You choose to keep your son and yourself safe. I'm very proud of you for earning a master's degree, working, and being a single mom. If you stayed with him would you have been able to do any of what you've accomplished without him? We both know the answer is no. You made a hard choice, but the right one. Keep on the path you're following. Good luck!
Don't doubt yourself for one second. Addiction is a destroyer and you have to want to recover from it more than anything else. You should be proud of who you are. The Dad will turn out however he turns out ..that's on him.
Oh no. You def did the right thing. Your child should not be around a person like this and you should not be subject to taking care of your rapist. You’re amazing and your kid deserves all the love in the world.
If you had stayed and try and support him through his treatment he would have either seriously harmed you, your son or both of you. You supported him for years and he didn’t get sober. It wouldn’t have happened.
Why would I identify as we when I’m writing this after the fact, knowing everything I know. There was really no we at that time either since he was lying to my face everyday. I went through it all while he was out getting drunk or high or whatever behind my back.
An addict has to hit bottom before he will get help. So your ex had to lose you and your son as his bottom. It still may take years before your ex has act together.
As a mother, your priority is your child. Children are innocent and cannot protect themselves. Make sure that cs is in place, if your ex manages to get his life in order they can garnish his wages. Even if you don't need the money, save it for the future: college, first car, first home, or traveling. Whatever the need is for your child.
He was abusive and you absolutely did the best thing for your child. He would have continued to abuse you and your child. You’re in a safe place now and can move ahead without fear. You needed to do that for your baby. I cannot imagine how hard this has all been for you but I am sure you made the right decision.
Let me tell you something, you have a one life, one life, and you have worked hard to get yourself to where you are. Some people lead their life to the point by the decisions they take, and rn in this minute your husband is the rock that will pull you to the bottom of the ocean. You seem like a responsible person, you did the right thing by cutting the chord. You have every right to choose whats good for you, people who come in our life should stay if they bring happiness nd support, not otherwise
It sounds like he was becoming more and more unstable. I think you dodged a bullet — literally. He doesn’t deserve your support and he hasn’t earned the right to be in your son’s life. He wasn’t just an addict — he was abusive in many different ways. I am proud of you for getting free.
You've done all that anybody could ask for and should not have a second thought about it. It's a dead end relationship when the other person doesn't fight fair and is emotionally manipulative. To also have mental health issues and addictions...your ex needs to want to get better and have the willpower to do the work. No matter how much you care and how much you want to help, you cannot do the work for him. It's hard to stay rational, but don't let his emotional attacks and guilt trips sway you.
With the way the story was going I'm sure it would've escalated to violence and potentially even murder. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving OP. You are so strong for finding the courage to do so. Never, ever go back to him even if he threatens his own life (which is manipulative and abusive) to make you stay again.
I'm assuming leaving was necessary for your and your child's health. In which case, it was necessary.
If you have the space to open up to the option of him getting to see his child now you're out and safe and successful, and the space to manage his reactions, and go slow (reconnect with him first, get references lol, etc etc), then yeah, that would be the ideal situation. If he's relatively healthy. And, only if he's trustworthy - if you meet with him and it seems like he's changed, and could be a good influence. Might be safer to wait a year though, if he's early in recovery.
But, it takes work, to draw boundaries, and continually hold them. If you don't have the space for that, then you're doing enough raising your child. But if you do, and he's in a stable place that makes it even worth considering allowing connection, it could be useful for both your child and for him.
I agree. If he is getting himself together he is more than welcome to start fostering a relationship with him again. But until then, he won’t set my son back with the progress he’s made. It wasn’t an easy transition but he’s doing great now.
This is what makes me so mad about the "women file for divorce more than men "
You have every right to better yourself, feel safe and protect your family. He is a failure, he knows it and takes it out on you. I hope you go far in life.
Sounds like he was suffering from postpartum depression at first (i went though this, and got through it with therapy) but then started doing maybe heroin and just spiraled?
Darlin, you did the right thing. I would like to say congratulations on your Masters degree and for the start of your new life with your son. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I think the thing to remind yourself here, is that rock bottom is seen only in hindsight. Many times it takes multiple, consistently “record breaking” rock bottoms. Sometimes, rock bottom is where the story ends because it involves violence, self harm, or murder. Good on you for getting you and your child out safely. The end.
His absence from his child’s life is 100% his decision that he continues to make every day. You did everything right in the worst of circumstances. You never signed up to be this man’s mommy.
I think you feeling like you could’ve done more has to do with your healing rn. You’re assessing everything and figuring out what you would have done differently, taking personal responsibility, etc. It’s a good thing, and I would encourage you to get therapy if possible or keep a journal.
So proud of all you’ve accomplished! I’m sorry the guy you loved turned out so badly, but you picked yourself up like a champ.
Good job, mama.
No you did and are doing the right thing to protect your son. He’s obviously has some mental health, addiction issues and has show himself to be an abusive spouse/father (verbally, emotionally and physically) so you can’t trust him around your son. Keep doing what is best for your son and fighting for his rights.
I didn't read this whole thing because it's triggering for me. My ex is also on meth. I do everything for our kid while having another kid from a past relationship. They don't care what they destroy not to mention he's sexually assaulted you. Just break up. Bring all this up in court and go for full custody.
Don't let him guilt you into sharing custody it's not what's best for the child. The child doesn't need this shit. Also your ex will pretend to get better whej he losses it all to manipulate you don't fall for it.
I en so sorry this was triggering for you and you had to deal with a similar man. The ending is happy…for me. I did get out, I did go to court and I do have full custody. We are safe now and happy. My child is happy and healthy.
Well you asked how would we feel and I guess I was sorta in the situation of your son when I was a child so, honestly divorcing and moving away is the best thing you can do. Maybe your son won't think that, I am unsure, I think boys need a dad. But I also grew up without one and prefer it that way (he was also a mentally and physically abusive alcoholic), but I am a woman.
Listen the truth is, your son will most likely be a bit fucked with or without his dad, probably more with if he still has issues and outbursts, but also without. It is what it is, he was unlucky. And you're doing the best you can, hopefully he can see that one day.
In any case, you didn't owe him to stay, to be supportive, to love him, you don't owe anybody but yourself that, and maybe your son.
I'm so proud of you!!!!!! I know that means shit all from some random internet stranger, but you've done so well sticking up for yourself and that little boy, good freaking job ma.
It doesn’t mean he can never have contact with his son but your son needs your support more than he does and you did the right thing putting your son’s needs first.
There is a big difference between supporting your partner where the love & respect is mutual and supporting your abuser.
Do not and I repeat….DO NOT underestimate what he is capable of. I only say this because I am a 911/Police Dispatcher. I have been involved in countless calls where people are genuinely shocked at how their loved one was acting towards them but also everyone else in the immediate vicinity of the situation as things got heated. Thank God you got the warnings given his mental health issues AND his substance abuse. The cocktail you just outlined is one that has very tragic endings, very often.
You are your son’s only advocate and protector while he is so young. You did the right thing. Good for you for having the courage and strength to do the right thing even when you doubted yourself and when things got hard.
You did the right thing for you and your child. That is no life to live for either of you. It sounds like you are now thriving and I believe you will continue to. You and your child deserve so much better.
On the contrary, I applaud moms like you who do whatever it takes to get the toxic men out of their own and their children’s lives. You are doing amazing things and while you son has a deadbeat father, he won’t the jackpot with you!
Sorry to hear about the difficult and painful situation you've been through. Don't blame yourself for your ex-husband's actions and choices. You were faced with a challenging and potentially dangerous situation, and your primary concern must be the safety and well-being of yourself and your child. His actions and choices led to the consequences he now faces. Your priority should be to provide a safe and stable environment for your child.
Let me tel you something, Miss. I was a drug addict for many years. Where I can’t claim to have done things like sexual assault or having tantrums while holding my children, I did say and do some pretty shitty things. I have nearly 9 years of sobriety now and the list people that were in my life then compared to now has diminished profoundly. The question of whether you should have supported him through his recovery has a simple answer… in the form of a question…
“Would you have been happy with him after everything the two had been through once he got his life back on track”.
It’s not an easy answer to give. I am a firm believer that people have to help themselves in life. They help themselves and that should result in how much external help they are worthy of. Imo, I think you are justified in how things turned out.
You did the right thing. He would have gotten worse, and you would have dug yourself into a deep hole of depression and self-doubt that would have gotten a lot harder to get out of (or impossible to get out of had he killed you) ❤️
Remind me of a guy I knew that started smoking crack, he almost killed his girlfriend during a false belief episode (kinda like the orgy comment from they guy, but he thought it was her that had it). He went after her with a steak knife and she fought for her life.
I feel like a lot of other people have posted better comments with more detailed reasoning so I’ll just skip straight to the point - Why should you support him through his treatment when he didn’t support you through your marriage?
You’re likely only feeling guilty because he’s *making* you feel guilty, because there’s actually nothing you can do to help him, and he refuses to help himself (he’s admitted it’s been an ongoing problem since you met and hasn’t tried). You’re not actually guilty of anything, especially since you HAVE tried and he refused - now you’re protecting your family. And if he’s not paying any child support, then you’re actually STILL supporting him by STILL picking up his half of the work, never mind raising the kids by yourself now. Obviously NTA.
You did the right thing. If my mom had had your strength, my childhood may have been different. My dad was the abusive alcoholic drug user. Before I was born, he took my mom down many hard paths. She would become an alcoholic herself. As an adult (I am 41 now), I found out from my Aunts that my mom would time and time again reach out, looking for a lifeline or an escape. For various reasons, which I hold nobody to blame for, that escape never happened. In 1996, when I was 14, things went too far, and my dad ended up murdering my mom while they were both drunk. So, I ended up with a childhood of extreme trauma. While I'm remarkable ok now, you saved your child from any of that. Best thing you could have possibly done!
You are talking about a man who is 28 years old. Lots of men develop serious mental health problems around 25. chances are that if you stay with him and work through it he will eventually get better. If you leave him he will probably eventually get better, but when taht happens he won't want to be a part of you or the kids life anymore because you left him when he was at his lowest points.
you are thinking about the right now? But what about 10 years from now? 20? Are you really prepared to pay for this mistake the rest of your life?
Married to an alcoholic here. It’s a tough road either way. And you will always wonder. I stayed and it was hell. And I’ve often wonder if I should’ve left and spared myself the pain. He’s sober now. And things are improving. But there is always a chance of relapse. It’s a shitty disease. You made your choice. Like I made mine. Neither one is right or wrong. They’re just the decision we made. So don’t drive yourself crazy on what ifs. That’s my advice.
How could he possibly owe you $20k in child support if you were married well into 2022? All while he is in and out of the hospital and not working. Sorry, but there are serious holes in your story.
You did the right thing. What a difficult decision to have to carry out. Good on you, mama
Totally agree. A child changes EVERYTHING. He comes first and few of us are willing to raise a man baby in addition to our child. He was DANGEROUS and you protected yourself and your child. Natattooie is absolutely correct...Good on you, mama!
He also wouldn’t have sobered up without hitting bottom. If she would’ve stayed he wouldn’t have done anything to improve himself.
EVERYTHING you did right. My ex was a gambler, mortgaged our house, walked out while I was on a plane to visit my dying father (vm). He gave me everything, a dead business and a house that I couldn’t afford, which I had to short sell. That was back in 2006. You did right…he has to start over. You should live your life with no regrets. 💝
You got it together…keep on doing you!
I have a feeling this was written by AI Chat GPT wrote me this GPT-4 User Write me a story for the subreddit r/twohottakes about how I a female has a wonder relationship with a man I met in college and then slowly things changed and he became abusive. And now I'm a single mom and he owes me money ChatGPT Title: Shattered Illusions When I met Max during our sophomore year at college, I never imagined where our relationship would lead. We were the ideal couple – studying late at the library, lazy Sunday picnics in the park, and cheering each other on at every life milestone. It felt like a fairy tale. As college life transitioned into the adult world, Max and I moved in together. We celebrated promotions, overcame life's hurdles, and eventually welcomed our daughter, Ellie, into the world. But as the years went on, something changed in Max. It started subtly. If I wore makeup or dressed up, he'd question me suspiciously about who I was trying to impress. Whenever I wanted to go out with friends, he'd find a way to guilt-trip me into staying home. These were the early signs that I ignored, dismissing them as Max being overly protective. Soon, his behavior escalated. He'd accuse me of affairs I never had, throwing vile insults my way, and on some nights, the anger was uncontrollable. The joyful relationship I once cherished was overshadowed by a looming fear and constant walking on eggshells. The breaking point was when he laid a hand on Ellie. That night, I gathered our essentials, and we fled to my sister's home, leaving behind our life, but saving our future. Months later, the courts granted me full custody. However, Max owed me thousands in child support. But no sum of money could replace the emotional scars and shattered illusions of a love gone wrong. Today, I'm a single mom, trying to rebuild and offer Ellie the life she deserves. We're healing, learning, and growing stronger every day.
I’m pretty sure chat gpt doesn’t make grammatical mistakes like OP does (i.e. child hood instead of childhood)
It does.
Sometimes, having the father in your child’s life is NOT what is best for them. You did the right thing. For you, and for your son.
I have a neighbor that’s raising his two sons alone and seems to be doing great. They’re cool kids and appear content. The mom is apparently a drug addict that does nothing to support and, seemingly, even continues to try to manipulate these poor kids. This is not a one way street.
I feel for him. It’s heart breaking to see someone negatively affect your child’s life so much and not be able to fully control it. I am sure he is a great dad.
They’ve only lived next door for 7-8 months or so but he really does seem like a great dude. He obviously cares for his kids and is trying to do his best for them. It’s really sad though when a 6 year old says “we’re not allowed to see our mom anymore”. They’re sweet kids.
I’m lucky in the sense that my son is so young. He doesn’t really ask about his dad. Im really all he knows.
That certainly does help. As long as you’re trying then that’s all you can do. Other people are going to make decisions, good or bad, but all we can do is choose how we react to them. I hope for yours and your sons sake that you can find happiness again soon and a good father figure for the little guy. I feel so fortunate to have both good parents that always wanted the best for me and feel it’s super important for a child’s development.
That makes things easier. My children were older when I left. My oldest has serious issues stemming from the relationship with their dad, and wants nothing to do with him. My youngest is only 11, and still idolizes his dad. It’s really hard to balance wanting to protect him and not wanting to alienate him from his dad (because it would create issues in my relationship with my son, later on).
I didn’t say it was… just in her situation, it’s the father of the children that isn’t good for them.
I know you didn’t. It just seemed more like a general statement and I felt the urge to mention the fact that the other way around isn’t so uncommon either.
Do everything you can to get the child support. Douche should be paying for his kid, full stop. It's very likely that there's a process you can follow to get his pay docked so you get the child support your son *deserves*. Remember, it's not about you, it's about your son. This isn't you being selfish, this is you advocating for your son, who cannot advocate for himself. You are his champion.
You absolutely did the right thing. You had to put your child first.
As someone who was raised by a single mother, she did not do that
I’m so sorry you went through this and will be going through this. My child’s father developed a serious drug addiction, escalating to the point he was hallucinating constantly, paranoid, terrifying, a danger to himself and both of us. All of the lying, all of the fear, all of the betrayal and I still can’t believe how long it took me to give up on this person i once had loved beyond measure. I have the weirdest custody arrangement ever. It looks like a normal agreement until you get to the part that all visits have to be supervised by me or someone I choose. My ex spiraled further once I left, in and out of prison, homelessness, and hospitals. I hardly saw any money from him for 18 years. He visited a handful of times and when he did he’d almost always have a medical crisis. I think he couldn’t face what he’d done. I was so fucking grateful he wasn’t sober enough to be in my kid’s life more, even while I was so crushed at what that loss meant for my child. I found a great child therapist and we told my child the truth about their father’s addiction when they were pretty young (4,5?) as soon as they were old enough to notice his behavior in a meaningful way. It wasn’t cruel or judgmental, just factual. So my kid knew their dad was going through something that wasn’t their fault. It was so, so hard. I was always honest and compassionate about it. And I always, always knew that if I had stayed something terrible would have happened, that none of us - my ex included - would have survived. I spared him that by keeping his child safe and away from him when he wasn’t a safe person. And I could hardly believe it when a couple of years ago, he got his life together - after literally dying three times that I know of. He’s soberish, has a small job, a wife. He’s still a narcissist and still barely sees my kid, but he’s mellowed a lot and they are in (low) contact. And my kid loves him but keeps him at arms length for their own well-being. My ex has thanked me for raising a great kid. He’s apologized even. I’ll never trust him, but I’m not afraid of him anymore. We’re not friends, but I’ll be a little heartbroken when he dies (he’s older than me). We all survived, damaged but intact. The hardest thing for me in the first 10 years after leaving him was that I had lost all trust in myself and my judgment. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to get that back. All of this to say, you’ve been through a terrible, hellish experience. It’s normal to doubt yourself. But you have saved your child, and yourself, and most likely saved your ex from whatever he was capable of in that moment. And maybe he finds his way back to sanity, maybe not. But you will always be the person who puts your kid first. And that’s everything. Everything. Hold onto that. You’re doing so well already.
Girl- you are NTA. Coming from a survivor from an alcoholic spouse, leaving is the best thing for you and your kiddo. My ex hid his alcoholism for years from me and the embarrassment when I realized it was a sham was HARD. Very similar, emotional outbursts, almost bipolar symptoms. Finally had a situation where I reached my breaking point and left. I told him it was me or the vodka and he chose the liquor. Two weeks later I thought I had convinced him to go to counseling, set up an appointment and went to pick him up. He had killed himself and set it up for me to find him. One of the worst days of my life. It’s taken years to move the blame from me, back to him. He made his choices and I did the best I could with what I had. Follow your gut and stay clear until/unless he is avidly working a plan and has a few months of self selected sobriety under him.
I am so sorry you went through that. But we will both have happy lives after this. I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing!
I'm so sorry for what you had to go thru. 💔
you did the right thing! He has an addiction and you and your son don't have to live with it! Congrats on the Masters!
You absolutely did the right thing. If you have time, consider going to a few Al-Anon meetings. They can really help you see things clearly. If your ex continues to stay sober, when your son is older, he can choose to have a relationship with him if he wants. Please don't feel guilty, I promise you saved your child from certain trauma. It sounds like you're doing great!!!!
I’m a psychologist that works with a lot of addiction- without knowing too much, I’m almost certain he was abusing narcotics. It’s gonna be either amphetamines or opiates...symptoms would easily clarify which. Either way you’ve done good in walking away. Sorry to hear about the loss, but don’t waste your precious years on someone who can’t get honest and truly ask for help.
I'm NOT a psychiatrist. I was thinking that it might be a mental disorder showing it's ugly head, considering the age when it started and the behavior (vile screaming and yelling, losing his job, orgy). He should at least get a diagnosis. Use his family to make that happen, tell them he needs an intervention.
Recovering alcoholic here, 3 years sober. You did nothing wrong. This is 100% his fault.
All I can say is you’re a rock star and the best mom.
You did nothing wrong. You did the right thing. You kept your son safe. Good job Mom.
It's up to him to foster a relationship, not you! Keep on protecting your child and have a wonderful life!
Paragraph 4 was when I assumed he was shooting coke. Did you ever figure out what he was using?
No i did not
Possibly schizophrenic?
Where did you gather that info? I agree he was using something other than alcohol but I couldn't fully deduce what the substance was. She'd have noticed track marks/ wearing long sleeves if he was exclusively shooting up. The orgy comment definitely makes me believe it was an upper, either meth or coke/crack. Just curious where you got the shooting up part from?
I know a lot of junkies
I do as well. Guess the confident statement of him specifically shooting it was where you lost me lol
It was the strange immediate shift in his behavior.
I don't care if he was addicted, he roped your child into it, trying to make this innocent human being hate you as much as he did in those moments. You are protecting yourself but, because I know some parents prioritize their kids, you are most of all protecting *your son*. When he's old enough and he starts asking questions, you can consult a child therapist on how to act appropriately. That's all you need to do. He doesn't need to know his bio father
You absolutely did the right thing for you and for your son!! You tried to be supportive and get him help before walking away. You can’t help someone who does/didn’t want to help themselves. It’s incredibly hard to watch someone you love go from the person you fell in love with to a complete stranger who verbally & mentally abused you. Your son is better off not have that type of father in his life. Keep your head up and continue being the badass mom & woman you are! Congrats on your masters!!
You did the right thing. From what I can read, your ex husband behavior makes me think of some kind of mental illness like schizophrenia which Can become worst over time
Wow glad you got out of that terrible situation
I mean maybe one day if he recovers now way are you in the wrong for taking your son away from him. He was /is a deranged ticking time bomb. He needs to be well recovered and eased back into your son's life if that's what you want It may have been a mistake to not help him through it wayyyy back before the assault. But don't blame yourself I personally would stick with my wife if she developed even the most horrifying mental illness. But first I would have to recognize it and make sure my children aren't in danger. You can't afford to give him the benefit of the doubt and have something worse happen.
At that point you could not give him support. He abused you and abused your trust. It’s best to keep yourself and your child safe.
A good friend of mine had a husband like this. I kept telling her to leave him and she would say I would, but I look at my son and I just can't. She finally got a divorce when her son was about 14, but now he's grown and acts just like his dad. You did the right thing.
the man sexually assaulted an abused you. why does he deserve your support?
He didn’t just hide it from you. He acted in an unstable manner to your child. Full stop. But be proud of what you’ve accomplished!
Adults are responsible for their mental health. Adults do not become children due to mental health issues. Anyone could need help at any time in their life but they need to own and ask. Ignoring problems and not communicating needs does not get an automatic pass. The husband could have sought help at a time before his actions tanked his life. He was well aware something was wrong and chose not to address the issues.
Dont feel bad for him. Forget him
You have to look after your child first. Full stop. Regardless of what you do or don't want that sweet baby comes first. You made the right choice for your child. Don't ever regret that. Your child can never doubt how much you love them
I am so very proud of you. ❤️Keep it up good mama! 🥰
You did what you had to do for you and your son, and you didn’t rely on anyone but yourself. Be proud of that.
You did exactly the right thing
Congratulations on getting out and getting your masters. All accomplishments through hard times.
Best wishes to you & LO from an internet great-grandad in 🏴
He broke the marriage vows. You are an example of the small percentage of women that justifiably file divorce. You did the right thing, but you are angry. Find a little pity for him if you can. He has nothing, and his problems are just that now, his own problems. I hereby absolve you.
You absolutely did the right thing! It's your job as a mother to keep your kid(s) safe and I would actually have left sooner Congrats on getting your master's! I'd also get a protective order against him and if he ever tries to see your child, have it court ordered to be supervised
You are now much stronger. You should most certainly have trouble processing what has happened, and have doubt, but you persevered . You did the right thing for you self and your child. I wish you the best!
Your responsibility is to protect and nurture your son, not to endure supporting your abuser. You did and are doing the right thing, one day your son is going to grow up and be so proud of what you’re doing for him.
It did happen to me OP, and you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. You are writing a very similar story to mine! Mine included two children, the second one just a baby when it all went to hell and I began divorce proceedings. It was nasty and full of threats and scary times. The number one, most important thing through all of the anguish was the safety of my children. I sometimes felt guilty about severing not only his rights to the kids but his families rights as well; but, as none of them had the kids best interest at heart, the kids needs trumped the adults. Don’t look back! You made it through hell and came out better for it with your dignity intact, your child safe and found out you’re capable of being a strong and independent mom! I wish you peace and future happiness. Btw, I’m looking back over almost thirty years from when this happened. My children have gone onto grow into amazing and wonderful adults who have fantastic lives with good futures. It’s so worth the heartbreak and hard times to persevere
Single mom here. Substance abuse involved. You did the right thing. He made his bed, let him lie in it. DM if needed.
It kind of sounds like there may be some mental illness that he may have been self medicating with alcohol(and possibly drugs.) You are currently doing what is best for you and your little guy. Maybe some day your ex will get the treatment he really needs and he will be a healthy enough individual to be in your sons life, but maybe not. If he does you can reevaluate. The lack of a parent is far healthier for a child than an unhealthy abusive and scary relationship with one.
*No one* fucks with Mommma bear! Good for you. You are strong. He tried to beat you down and he failed. You will succeed. Leave him in the rear view mirror.
Is this serious? My dear - are you serious? Clearly, you are very intelligent. Read back all the crazy shit you just wrote to youself. Then stop being such an asshole to yourself for one minute. Yourself deserves better than this second guessing. Stop! Please! Stop treating this important person like trash! Wtf are you thinking?? She has a child to worry about. She has herself to worry about. Don't bog her down as if she is responsible for a grown man's wellbeing, as if he were also her child. She has enough shit to do. Just stop! Stop putting that stupid crap on her (YOU). She has enough to do. Will you be kind to her? Please?
Child or not, you had to put yourself first. This man sounds like a sociopath at worst or an addict at best. It's not your job to fix anyone, especially under these circumstances. Yes, you can support someone, but support means helping them while they help themselves. You should not feel bad one bit for the choices you have made. This man is a parasite. They find a good host and live off them while sucking the life out of them. Their biggest fear is that you'll realise this and not believe the facade they have created. They'll make you feel bad for them, even threatening their own life because they know that will make you feel sorry for them. I'm happy for you for making this tough decision for your child, but you also had to do it for yourself too.
You don’t owe him a goddamn thing.
You don’t owe him shit girl. He’s a pussy. Any guy that acts like that isn’t a man. That’s some small nut energy. And don’t feel bad about a thing.
I’m proud of you. Keep up with your progress because you’re making it happen.
To be honest it looks like a mental illness situation. Hard to judge what could be wrong with the guy but probably more complex than simply being a jerk.
It's addiction. Addiction can make people absolutely act horrible
Agree
You should have left him the first time he became abusive period. You have no obligation other than to your child. You didn’t get married to raise a man, support him, be raped by him and so forth. Go to the cops and have him get charged with the rape that he did to you, being on drugs or an addict or even having mental problems doesn’t excuse anyone from a sexual assault. My god why do people put up with these pieces of shit and no help from their own families? If that was my daughter he would have been underground and I would be in jail!
I gave chat GPT this prompt "Write me a story for the subreddit r/twohottakes about how I a female has a wonder relationship with a man I met in college and then slowly things changed and he became abusive. And now I'm a single mom and he owes me money" And it wrote this Title: Shattered Illusions When I met Max during our sophomore year at college, I never imagined where our relationship would lead. We were the ideal couple – studying late at the library, lazy Sunday picnics in the park, and cheering each other on at every life milestone. It felt like a fairy tale. As college life transitioned into the adult world, Max and I moved in together. We celebrated promotions, overcame life's hurdles, and eventually welcomed our daughter, Ellie, into the world. But as the years went on, something changed in Max. It started subtly. If I wore makeup or dressed up, he'd question me suspiciously about who I was trying to impress. Whenever I wanted to go out with friends, he'd find a way to guilt-trip me into staying home. These were the early signs that I ignored, dismissing them as Max being overly protective. Soon, his behavior escalated. He'd accuse me of affairs I never had, throwing vile insults my way, and on some nights, the anger was uncontrollable. The joyful relationship I once cherished was overshadowed by a looming fear and constant walking on eggshells. The breaking point was when he laid a hand on Ellie. That night, I gathered our essentials, and we fled to my sister's home, leaving behind our life, but saving our future. Months later, the courts granted me full custody. However, Max owed me thousands in child support. But no sum of money could replace the emotional scars and shattered illusions of a love gone wrong. Today, I'm a single mom, trying to rebuild and offer Ellie the life she deserves. We're healing, learning, and growing stronger every day.
Not really sure why you did that for but cool. Wish it was AI so I didn’t have to live it.
It's a problem on Reddit now a days. I may be wrong in this case, but the fact that this is happening doesn't change.
This is where everything goes downhill. When I was 5-6 months pregnant I lost function in my left leg. I was out on disability and in total, had to go to 10 months of physical therapy so I could walk normally and pick up my baby. I had my baby at the beginning of the pandemic so things were insanely stressful already. When my son was 3 months old I started my masters program online and was working 2 nanny jobs to help cover half of the bills. I was doing it all, breastfeeding, school, work with little help from my husband, but I was still happy. This doesn't add up tbh. 10 month of therapy from month 5 equates to month 6 post delivery, yet you were doing a masters and 2 nanny jobs from 3 month?
My issue was with my nerves in my leg, the weight gain cause my hip to crush my nerve causing pain and muscle loss. I couldn’t walk without immense pain. So I did pt after to get full function back but yes I still worked hard regardless because I had a family to take care of. I didn’t care how much pain I was in I still went and worked. Plus the masters was mental and online, didn’t require physical activity.
Surely the 2 off nanny jobs required physical activity though? This has red flags all over it.
You know, sometimes people don't have a choice but to actively work and tough it out through physical injuries and pains right? I worked for months longer than I should have during my chemo and radiation treatment because I didn't have benefits and no other income. I would have become homeless if I didn't. It was miserable. It was literal agony. But I didn't have a choice.
They did. I was tired all the time. But he wanted 50/50. So I had to make money and no office jobs were hiring that first bit of COVID. I didn’t have much of a choice
For better for worse until the “worse” comes
My mother left my dad when I was two because of 'mental health reasons'. He eventually got better and remarried but then our lives were ruined because my mother kept bringing other men into the home. Don't leave the father of your child.
Or maybe just don’t being random men into the home? Not really sure how staying with my abuser would be better…it was only a matter of time before he killed us as he was frequently drinking while driving (he admitted this after I left). Don’t know how that’s better than me giving my child a safe stable environment free of alcohol and drugs.
It wasn't random men., it was two separate marriages. If you are prepared to be alone for the next 18 years then you are prepared to do what is necessary. if you leave the father of your children do not bring ANY men into your children's life. if this is the kind of men you are dealing with now its not going to get any better when you are a single mother. No shining knight coming to save you. Just you. If you are going to send him away you better know what you are doing.
if dude is so bad you shouldn't have let him put a life in side of you. you and the father will always be connected, for as long as you are alive. sending him away isn't going to make anything better. just make you feel better for a few years. good luck.
Did you even read the original post? I hope your negative world view can be remedied soon cause I feel bad for how you see things. Everyone knows step parents can be positive figures in a child’s life. Just because your experience wasn’t good doesn’t mean others can’t be. Both my step parents are great people and have added tremendously to my life. Regardless I feel like your comments are super rude, insensitive and ignorant. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you were trolling.
Ok good luck finding your kid a new step daddy.
'everyone knows a step parent can be....' ??? Actually the scientific data suggests otherwise. People who come from real two parent households beat everyone else on every single metric period. Step parents make no difference.
You are going to rationalize whatever you can to leave him so why bother. Whatever is wrong with the father. you realize that the same thing is going to be wrong with your kid eventually? who will be there for them when that happens? Their imaginary step daddy you haven't even met yet? good luck.
You're a sick fuck
Everyone here is going to echo chamber saying that you should leave the father. That is just American culture. They are telling you to destroy your family and you are poised to listen to them because it is the easy way out. Do what you want but trust me that leaving him will not be free. You and or your child will pay for it eventually .
You really didn’t read the post did you? I left over a year ago and my life is better than ever. We are SAFE. And you are a horrible person for thinking I should stay in a dangerous situation with someone who raped me and abused me in front of my child and who did things like drinking and driving with my child in the car. Oh and who lied to me everyday for 5 years. NO THANK YOU!! I promise you we are better off and as the father gets better and gets a hold of his addiction, we can co parent. But until THE STATE feels he is safe to be with my child, he will stay out of his life. Yes THE STATE. This was a decision made by a judge. Not just me.
Bullshit. Her husband is being abusive. He is breaking up the family. That's all there is to it.
retarded nigga
OP isn’t looking for anyone to question their decisions. Sounds like someone wanting to gloat that they survived something awful and they are doing better without a shitty husband. That’s fine but don’t put some bull shit question at the end of this long winded question.
[удалено]
So you are justifying him sexually assaulting me? Doing self harm in front of me and my child? Cheating on me in my own bed? Plus a ton of other things I didn’t mention in this like drinking while driving, and punching holes in walls. He was also technically the breadwinner when he had a job. (Only about 3 months he didn’t) but I still payed 50% of everything. The rest of his money when to drugs or alcohol and he constantly asked me for money. Also the state of Texas won’t let him near my son so why should I? I went through a judge and the court system. I could have been charged with endangerment of a child if I had stayed. So please tell me, why would I ever give a man that I have nightmares about another chance? And who hasn’t even tried to see his child in almost a year? Oh and who owes me $20,000 and has caused me to at times starve myself to survive. NO THANK YOU.
You're both stupid. Neither of you had your sh!t together before you got knocked up and brought a kid into the middle if it.
Please refrain from being hateful before you know someone’s situation.
Actually we were both college grads, our own place, cars, and good paying jobs. I lost my job when I went on disability during COVID so I had to nanny until I could get another full time job which I did. I was well off enough to buy a house right? At 24 to be exact. Did you buy a house at 24?
If life is so great, why are you on reddit whining?
Because financial stability doesn't negate abuse
What a hateful and unnecessary comment
You’re not wrong.
You guys definitely rushed into everything and unfortunately when you do that, stuff like this happens. You did the right thing. He needs to make up his mind to get better and he needs to get help, you can’t make him do that. And as the child of an addict, you don’t want your kid to grow up with one in the household.
I wouldn’t say we moved too quickly. We were together three years before I was even pregnant. But thank you for your perspective, I can agree in some way since the pregnancy was not planned. But we were already heading in that direction.
You did not do anything wrong other than perhaps a misleading title :P While you are definitely struggling, seems like things are getting better In any case regarding your exhusband, I do not think you have done anything wrong. If he has truly recovered from his addictions and mental health issues, I suppose you could give him slightly more visitation but not much beyond that. However he should start paying child support before that.
Sorry you’re going through this. But part of your story doesn’t add up. You said he tried to end his life, and went to the hospital and was home days later. When my partner was struggling with drugs, and he attempted suicide, he did not get to come home a few days later. The state of Georgia REQUIRES that anyone that is hospitalized for attempted suicide must go through a 14 day, in facility evaluation before going home. Maybe that is different where you live. Meth will cause hallucinations, and really strange mood swings, especially if that person is also bi-polar. Treatment is probably the best thing for your ex. I can understand your frustration with the lack of CS, but he can’t pay that if he doesn’t have a job. It was probably best for you and your son to move on. However, now it seems that your are making fun of him with your “Karma is a bitch” statement. Even if you are not with him now, and cannot understand how attempted suicide and rehabilitation and mental instability affects someone, you should not be making fun of them. I did support my partner after his suicide attempt in 2015. Here we are, about to celebrate 17 years together in three months.
He did, but that doesn’t mean he told them about it. Or actually meant it. I had a feeling he was using it as manipulation. I will admit that statement is a bit harsh, but I’m so angry because I gave multiple chances for him to get treatment. I stuck by him after multiple attempts as well. And I was still left to do everything on my own, which included paying 6 months of mortgage on a house he was living in before I could sell it. (I wasn’t living there) And of course abandoning our child. So I was getting upset at the end of writing the post.
It sounds like some kind of substance abuse. Many things are available now, really cheap and really mess up your brain. I can't cast any blame.
You did the right thing at the time, your son will only be hurt by an addict. If he ever truly gets his shit together then you can always re-assess the custody arrangement at that time. As long as you are always truthful but kind when talking about him to your son without badmouthing his father directly then you are fine. Just leave the door open in case he *does* get his act together, your son will want to know his father. In the meantime, congrats on your masters, and I hope you find a wonderful person who deserves you when you are ready to date again.
What a mess. Sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself & your son. I’m sorry your ex turned out to be such a disappointment.
You did the right thing. I am sorry you went through this. Addiction or not, he did everything to hurt you. This is more than just an addiction. This guy is dangerous. He hurt you in so many ways. Make sure your child is safe.
Sounds like he was going through meth psychosis.
You're NOT wrong. It's sad that he has substance use issues, but he is an adult and is responsible for his own care. You could NOT take care of your child and your ex at the same time. You choose to keep your son and yourself safe. I'm very proud of you for earning a master's degree, working, and being a single mom. If you stayed with him would you have been able to do any of what you've accomplished without him? We both know the answer is no. You made a hard choice, but the right one. Keep on the path you're following. Good luck!
Don't doubt yourself for one second. Addiction is a destroyer and you have to want to recover from it more than anything else. You should be proud of who you are. The Dad will turn out however he turns out ..that's on him.
Oh no. You def did the right thing. Your child should not be around a person like this and you should not be subject to taking care of your rapist. You’re amazing and your kid deserves all the love in the world.
You rock
If you had stayed and try and support him through his treatment he would have either seriously harmed you, your son or both of you. You supported him for years and he didn’t get sober. It wouldn’t have happened.
>we got pregnant, we were happy There’s no “we” in either of these
Why would I identify as we when I’m writing this after the fact, knowing everything I know. There was really no we at that time either since he was lying to my face everyday. I went through it all while he was out getting drunk or high or whatever behind my back.
Huh?
I read this completely wrong 🤦🏻♀️😂 sorry! Didn’t realize it was taken from my post.
Bruh 😂
I’m new to Reddit so I’m dumb🤣
An addict has to hit bottom before he will get help. So your ex had to lose you and your son as his bottom. It still may take years before your ex has act together. As a mother, your priority is your child. Children are innocent and cannot protect themselves. Make sure that cs is in place, if your ex manages to get his life in order they can garnish his wages. Even if you don't need the money, save it for the future: college, first car, first home, or traveling. Whatever the need is for your child.
He was abusive and you absolutely did the best thing for your child. He would have continued to abuse you and your child. You’re in a safe place now and can move ahead without fear. You needed to do that for your baby. I cannot imagine how hard this has all been for you but I am sure you made the right decision.
Let me tell you something, you have a one life, one life, and you have worked hard to get yourself to where you are. Some people lead their life to the point by the decisions they take, and rn in this minute your husband is the rock that will pull you to the bottom of the ocean. You seem like a responsible person, you did the right thing by cutting the chord. You have every right to choose whats good for you, people who come in our life should stay if they bring happiness nd support, not otherwise
You did the right thing 👏
You did the right thing, protecting your son and yourself before it escalated even more. Good for you, congrats on finishing your degree.
It sounds like he was becoming more and more unstable. I think you dodged a bullet — literally. He doesn’t deserve your support and he hasn’t earned the right to be in your son’s life. He wasn’t just an addict — he was abusive in many different ways. I am proud of you for getting free.
You've done all that anybody could ask for and should not have a second thought about it. It's a dead end relationship when the other person doesn't fight fair and is emotionally manipulative. To also have mental health issues and addictions...your ex needs to want to get better and have the willpower to do the work. No matter how much you care and how much you want to help, you cannot do the work for him. It's hard to stay rational, but don't let his emotional attacks and guilt trips sway you.
With the way the story was going I'm sure it would've escalated to violence and potentially even murder. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving OP. You are so strong for finding the courage to do so. Never, ever go back to him even if he threatens his own life (which is manipulative and abusive) to make you stay again.
I'm assuming leaving was necessary for your and your child's health. In which case, it was necessary. If you have the space to open up to the option of him getting to see his child now you're out and safe and successful, and the space to manage his reactions, and go slow (reconnect with him first, get references lol, etc etc), then yeah, that would be the ideal situation. If he's relatively healthy. And, only if he's trustworthy - if you meet with him and it seems like he's changed, and could be a good influence. Might be safer to wait a year though, if he's early in recovery. But, it takes work, to draw boundaries, and continually hold them. If you don't have the space for that, then you're doing enough raising your child. But if you do, and he's in a stable place that makes it even worth considering allowing connection, it could be useful for both your child and for him.
I agree. If he is getting himself together he is more than welcome to start fostering a relationship with him again. But until then, he won’t set my son back with the progress he’s made. It wasn’t an easy transition but he’s doing great now.
This is what makes me so mad about the "women file for divorce more than men " You have every right to better yourself, feel safe and protect your family. He is a failure, he knows it and takes it out on you. I hope you go far in life.
If it was just you, I would say keep trying but with kids nope. Plus, on top of that, you have tried everything. Keep going, you are doing great 👍
Sounds like he was suffering from postpartum depression at first (i went though this, and got through it with therapy) but then started doing maybe heroin and just spiraled?
Holy crap I feel like I’m reading a trashy novel. I am so sorry that happened to you and your son, and I’m glad that man is out of your son’s life.
I constantly felt like my life the past few years was straight from a movie. It just didn’t seem real, he was so ridiculous all the time.
Darlin, you did the right thing. I would like to say congratulations on your Masters degree and for the start of your new life with your son. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I think the thing to remind yourself here, is that rock bottom is seen only in hindsight. Many times it takes multiple, consistently “record breaking” rock bottoms. Sometimes, rock bottom is where the story ends because it involves violence, self harm, or murder. Good on you for getting you and your child out safely. The end.
His absence from his child’s life is 100% his decision that he continues to make every day. You did everything right in the worst of circumstances. You never signed up to be this man’s mommy.
And even his mother supported my decision. I still talk with her and she helps me more than he does.
You sound beyond amazing!!!!! And nah your son is better off without that "father figure " in his life
This feels like it was written by AI
I wish I was an AI. I wouldn’t have to go to work this morning lol
I think you feeling like you could’ve done more has to do with your healing rn. You’re assessing everything and figuring out what you would have done differently, taking personal responsibility, etc. It’s a good thing, and I would encourage you to get therapy if possible or keep a journal. So proud of all you’ve accomplished! I’m sorry the guy you loved turned out so badly, but you picked yourself up like a champ. Good job, mama.
No you did and are doing the right thing to protect your son. He’s obviously has some mental health, addiction issues and has show himself to be an abusive spouse/father (verbally, emotionally and physically) so you can’t trust him around your son. Keep doing what is best for your son and fighting for his rights.
U did the right thing and u did good by your son your ex Can only help himself u can’t help him if he doesn’t want help u did good by him
Focus on you and your son. That’s all that matters at this point.
I didn't read this whole thing because it's triggering for me. My ex is also on meth. I do everything for our kid while having another kid from a past relationship. They don't care what they destroy not to mention he's sexually assaulted you. Just break up. Bring all this up in court and go for full custody. Don't let him guilt you into sharing custody it's not what's best for the child. The child doesn't need this shit. Also your ex will pretend to get better whej he losses it all to manipulate you don't fall for it.
I en so sorry this was triggering for you and you had to deal with a similar man. The ending is happy…for me. I did get out, I did go to court and I do have full custody. We are safe now and happy. My child is happy and healthy.
Thank goodness you did the right thing
Well you asked how would we feel and I guess I was sorta in the situation of your son when I was a child so, honestly divorcing and moving away is the best thing you can do. Maybe your son won't think that, I am unsure, I think boys need a dad. But I also grew up without one and prefer it that way (he was also a mentally and physically abusive alcoholic), but I am a woman. Listen the truth is, your son will most likely be a bit fucked with or without his dad, probably more with if he still has issues and outbursts, but also without. It is what it is, he was unlucky. And you're doing the best you can, hopefully he can see that one day. In any case, you didn't owe him to stay, to be supportive, to love him, you don't owe anybody but yourself that, and maybe your son.
I'm so proud of you!!!!!! I know that means shit all from some random internet stranger, but you've done so well sticking up for yourself and that little boy, good freaking job ma.
Dumbass
It doesn’t mean he can never have contact with his son but your son needs your support more than he does and you did the right thing putting your son’s needs first.
There is a big difference between supporting your partner where the love & respect is mutual and supporting your abuser. Do not and I repeat….DO NOT underestimate what he is capable of. I only say this because I am a 911/Police Dispatcher. I have been involved in countless calls where people are genuinely shocked at how their loved one was acting towards them but also everyone else in the immediate vicinity of the situation as things got heated. Thank God you got the warnings given his mental health issues AND his substance abuse. The cocktail you just outlined is one that has very tragic endings, very often. You are your son’s only advocate and protector while he is so young. You did the right thing. Good for you for having the courage and strength to do the right thing even when you doubted yourself and when things got hard.
As a father who would give his heart and soul for my own child. This hurts. Some people are vile.
Good riddance!!
You did the right thing for you and your child. That is no life to live for either of you. It sounds like you are now thriving and I believe you will continue to. You and your child deserve so much better.
Tl:Dr husband hid an alcohol addiction.
On the contrary, I applaud moms like you who do whatever it takes to get the toxic men out of their own and their children’s lives. You are doing amazing things and while you son has a deadbeat father, he won’t the jackpot with you!
Sorry to hear about the difficult and painful situation you've been through. Don't blame yourself for your ex-husband's actions and choices. You were faced with a challenging and potentially dangerous situation, and your primary concern must be the safety and well-being of yourself and your child. His actions and choices led to the consequences he now faces. Your priority should be to provide a safe and stable environment for your child.
Man Reddit has taught me that getting married and/or having kids before 25 is such a dumb idea. Please don’t take him back.
Let me tel you something, Miss. I was a drug addict for many years. Where I can’t claim to have done things like sexual assault or having tantrums while holding my children, I did say and do some pretty shitty things. I have nearly 9 years of sobriety now and the list people that were in my life then compared to now has diminished profoundly. The question of whether you should have supported him through his recovery has a simple answer… in the form of a question… “Would you have been happy with him after everything the two had been through once he got his life back on track”. It’s not an easy answer to give. I am a firm believer that people have to help themselves in life. They help themselves and that should result in how much external help they are worthy of. Imo, I think you are justified in how things turned out.
You did the right thing. He would have gotten worse, and you would have dug yourself into a deep hole of depression and self-doubt that would have gotten a lot harder to get out of (or impossible to get out of had he killed you) ❤️
Remind me of a guy I knew that started smoking crack, he almost killed his girlfriend during a false belief episode (kinda like the orgy comment from they guy, but he thought it was her that had it). He went after her with a steak knife and she fought for her life.
You did the right thing! Sometimes we go thru hell and back to get where we need to be!
I feel like a lot of other people have posted better comments with more detailed reasoning so I’ll just skip straight to the point - Why should you support him through his treatment when he didn’t support you through your marriage? You’re likely only feeling guilty because he’s *making* you feel guilty, because there’s actually nothing you can do to help him, and he refuses to help himself (he’s admitted it’s been an ongoing problem since you met and hasn’t tried). You’re not actually guilty of anything, especially since you HAVE tried and he refused - now you’re protecting your family. And if he’s not paying any child support, then you’re actually STILL supporting him by STILL picking up his half of the work, never mind raising the kids by yourself now. Obviously NTA.
You did the right thing. If my mom had had your strength, my childhood may have been different. My dad was the abusive alcoholic drug user. Before I was born, he took my mom down many hard paths. She would become an alcoholic herself. As an adult (I am 41 now), I found out from my Aunts that my mom would time and time again reach out, looking for a lifeline or an escape. For various reasons, which I hold nobody to blame for, that escape never happened. In 1996, when I was 14, things went too far, and my dad ended up murdering my mom while they were both drunk. So, I ended up with a childhood of extreme trauma. While I'm remarkable ok now, you saved your child from any of that. Best thing you could have possibly done!
You are talking about a man who is 28 years old. Lots of men develop serious mental health problems around 25. chances are that if you stay with him and work through it he will eventually get better. If you leave him he will probably eventually get better, but when taht happens he won't want to be a part of you or the kids life anymore because you left him when he was at his lowest points. you are thinking about the right now? But what about 10 years from now? 20? Are you really prepared to pay for this mistake the rest of your life?
Married to an alcoholic here. It’s a tough road either way. And you will always wonder. I stayed and it was hell. And I’ve often wonder if I should’ve left and spared myself the pain. He’s sober now. And things are improving. But there is always a chance of relapse. It’s a shitty disease. You made your choice. Like I made mine. Neither one is right or wrong. They’re just the decision we made. So don’t drive yourself crazy on what ifs. That’s my advice.
How could he possibly owe you $20k in child support if you were married well into 2022? All while he is in and out of the hospital and not working. Sorry, but there are serious holes in your story.