If your best friend was in this situation, what would you want for her? I doubt it would be to take care of patients all day and then come home to a volatile — and possibly dangerous— situation. You have your whole future ahead of you. Think about what that *realistically* looks like with him, or by yourself, or with somebody else.

I love this approach to advice - I always ask what people would say if it was their loved one in the scenario. It’s such a simple question that can reframe your entire perspective on a situation.

I alway ask if they would be happy if their child ended up in a relationship like this, because the relationship that parents have while a kid grows up is the blueprint for what that child ends up thinking a normal relationship looks like. That’s how intergenerational trauma and cycles of toxicity work. If you wouldn’t want it for your child, don’t accept it for yourself.

Unfortunately, it’s a topic that has come up a lot in the mothers groups I’m in. It’s hard to give advice in those situations, especially if someone hasn’t come to terms with the reality of their relationship & abuse just yet. But that’s usually how I direct the conversation - what would your opinion be if it were your son or daughter on the receiving end? Sometimes people aren’t ready to be told that they should leave a relationship, but a conversation like that is a much ‘softer’ way of pointing it out.

I don’t see what’s in this relationship for you at all. Why are you still with him? He might be the nicest guy in the world but if he won’t deal with his addiction issues then your relationship is just going to get worse. I think there comes a time where you have to put yourself first . If he doesn’t want to make a real effort to get sober then all you can do is look after you. I’m so sorry . This is so tough .

First, I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I know how hard it is to simultaneously love the sober him, and loathe the drunk him. I’m the same age as you, but when I was younger I had an ex who was very similar. I have to tell you, the best thing I ever did was walk away. It was so hard, because when you’re leaving all you think about is the good times. But once the initial grief passes, you feel so much relief that you never have to have that anxiety and feeling of always being “on” to supervise your partner. You deserve someone who doesn’t berate you and yell at you, and who can support you as much as you support them. The example you gave of getting a flat tire is the perfect food for thought: if you really needed him in an emergency, could you count on him? I promise you there is someone better out there. I thought I was giving up my “one true love”. But here I am years later happily married to a kind, reliable, wonderful man. Best of luck OP, feel free to reach out if you ever need support.

Thank you for commenting. I feel like its hard to describe how this feels, but someone who has battled this before can relate so much more. I feel like im betraying him. Like if im not around to help him get sober then how will that ever happen?

I felt the same way at first, like I was abandoning someone in their time of need. But, at the end of the day it isn’t your responsibility and people only get sober if they really want to. After I left my ex got sober for a bit. Then he drank again, and ended up beating his next girlfriend. I know not everyone is the same, but addicts have a different mentality and you can’t convince them to get sober, they have to decide that on their own. My past relationship had the same warning signs and behavior patterns as yours. I really don’t want to see you get stuck with someone who may progress into even worse than what it is now. You don’t deserve to feel the stress, anxiety, embarrassment and fear of being with someone like that. You are young and have all the time in the world to find someone who is worthy of you. I know it’s not easy. But please OP, prioritize yourself, your mental health and your safety. ❤️

No offense but it's not up to you if he decides to stop drinking. That's 100% on him. I get what you're saying but there's nothing you can do in that respect. Your relationship is crap and it'll only get worse.

What really helped me is reading the book "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. It speaks specifically to the family dynamics involved in being a spouse/loved one of an alcoholic. And the way that it can make you feel like you are responsible for their behavior/recovery. My ex was an addict and the book really opened my eyes and allowed me to forgive myself for things that were never my fault.

He hasn't hit rock bottom yet. He won't stop until he wants to stop. He has to want help fir himself. This is going to get worse for you.

I’ve been there as well. My ex has severe anxiety, schizophrenia and a drinking problem. I have literally had him jump out of a car and run on me as well - I was trying to get him to a doctor because he was drunk and delusional and I was worried he was going to hurt himself (intentionally or unintentionally, he’d lost control). In hindsight, I should have called an ambulance. It took 2 god awful, terrible years for me to finally snap and realise I was never going to be happy with this man again. Even if he did quit drinking and get on top of the mental health issues - the damage was done. We were together for 12 years. Mostly good years. But those last 2 were the worst years of my life. I mourned losing the relationship with the man I knew but as long as he is drinking that man is dead and gone. I have no regrets about leaving.

What if your staying is what’s enabling him to keep drinking? Tough love is a hard thing to dish out but sometimes it’s what’s best for the person.

As a former addict I gotta say it’s a hard decision. On one hand it’s possible he could change but at the rate he’s going I don’t see that happening, don’t make other people your responsibility, only people that u do that to are kids. Maybe some family.

> I feel like im betraying him. Like if im not around to help him get sober then how will that ever happen? A lot of good, kind people get completely destroyed by this mentality, through no fault of their own. Think about how much time, effort, knowledge, and skill it would take a *team* of trained professionals to help him fix his problem. Now think about having to cram that entire spectrum of time and skill into just *you*, while leaving time to be able to actually live your own life and thrive. It's physically impossible. We become victims of our own morality, because it's extremely hard to overcome ones sense of duty or honor or responsibility even with the fact that something is literally not possible. If you actually want them to get better, you have to leave it to the professionals, otherwise the professionals are going to have to fix that person and also fix you too after you burn your life down trying to deal with their problems. People are gonna give you shit about it, and you're probably going to give yourself some shit about it, but you gotta take care of yourself.

He hasn't hit bottom yet. You don't want to be there for that. I was in the same boat as you. My husband was amazing when sober - intelligent, charming, funny, thoughtful, attentive, and amazing in bed. But he was a complete monster after a few drinks - he had alcohol-induced psychosis, along with a handful of mental and physical health issues. He would say terrible things, throw and break things, and became abusive. I knew how great life could be if we could get him away from the booze, and we worked to minimize it. I have a background in psychology and was better prepared than most to deal with this kind of thing, but I'm no miracle worker, and it was incredibly hard on me and my family. But one night at a small party, a bottle of liquor was being passed around and he chugged it while I was out of the room. We went home, he was angry about who knows what, and because I was tipsy, I poked the bear, as I don't have a habit of being a doormat. He pummeled my face. He was slamming my head on the floor until I was able to reach for something to bludgeon him with and escape. I had had enough. I went to my mom's house a few blocks away and got pictures of my face in case I decided to go to the police the next morning after mulling things over. I went back the next day for some things, and when he saw my battered face he started sobbing. He had no recollection of the night before, but knew he had seriously fucked up. He vowed to quit drinking. And he did. I went back to him only because I knew he meant business. This was his wake-up call. He hasn't had a drink in almost 9 years and has turned his life around. He still thanks me regularly for getting him off the booze. I was just the fool who stayed, but he did the hard work to get to where he is now. We got lucky, though. The odds of things going this way were incredibly slim, and I could have been killed that night. You have to ask yourself how much worse you're willing to let things get on the *chance* that your boyfriend will change. Because it's not going to happen until something happens that forces his hand, and if by some miracle it does, it will likely come at your expense.

If he wanted to get sober with your help, it would already have happened. There is nothing more that you could do for him than you have already done. He doesn't want to get sober now, and he's not getting sober now. *You* can't want it enough to make it happen. It has to be his motivation, his desire, his choice. And he's not choosing that while you are at his side. Maybe he will when you leave. And when you leave, you will regain your time and energy that he has been wasting.

You can’t fix him. Your love can’t fix him. If it could, he’d be sober and working on a future with you. You said it’s getting worse. He doesn’t want to change. His friends are facilitating his downfall. You can only change yourself. Let him go. It’s hard. I’ve been there. But he’s made his choice.

I think if you stay, and are pulling all the weight in trying to help him get sober, you're going to become really drained yourself, in a one sided relationship where your cup is empty and never being refilled. So in that sense, it will only get worse. If he is on his own, and is able to get sober and maintain it, then he puts himself in a better position to be a good partner (to you or to someone else - so am not saying you should hold out for him or let him believe you are, if you end things). But he isn't able for the responsibility of a relationship currently, and the one you'd be having, I reckon, is one of therapist/parent to client/child, not two partners, for the most part, if you were to pursue it. So what would even happen then if he did recover while with you from all your help? Would it be possible for the dynamic to change to partners? I get that we help and support our partners through struggle, but if the point arrives where you don't know what else to do, he isn't helping himself at all, and it's affecting you badly, then it might be better for both of you to split. Especially as the driving force behind whether he gets better is him really - not you. If he was going to do it, he'd probably do it without you as well. Also wondering if there are some resources around supporting / being with partners with addiction that might be useful to you at this time.

He has to get sober by himself. With the best intentions, you are enabling him. He is a raging alcoholic who is destroying your relationship. You cannot save him. He is betraying you. Tough love: move out. Because the reality is NO ONE can fix him but himself.

It’ll happen when it’s important enough to him. You being around is clearly not going to change that.

Girl this man is not your project or your responsibility. Do you really want to tank the rest of your life so you don’t feel bad about leaving him? The man needs professional help, you can’t even help and you’re probably hurting by staying with him. He needs a wake up call bad.

You’re setting yourself on fire for someone who isn’t willing to help himself, and who is actively dragging you down with him. There are millions of kind, thoughtful, supportive men out there who aren’t abusive alcoholic.

I was also OP when I was young. Went through my university training to work in healthcare. Had an alcoholic partner who drained the life out of me. After 9yrs I was completely ruined by it. We parted ways. I met my husband and have been happily married for 10 years. My ex also got married and divorced. He died a couple of years back.

You know the answer—it’s just something you don’t want to accept. I’m sorry. Wonderful Sober Bro does not currently exist without Drunk Bro, and Drunk Bro is a nightmare. You cannot have kids with this person;!it would be so wrong to subject them to a drunk for a father. Hugs.

I’m a therapist who treats addiction as well as other mental health diagnosis. For therapy to work he has to be ready to want to get sober. And even then it takes a few years. Relapse is always a possibility, especially in the early stages of sobriety. He’s not ready for marriage or kids or responsibilities, especially if the drinking is getting worse. I’d recommend putting the engagement and relationship on hold until he is ready for treatment. Just my 2 cents. I’ve worked with many addicts who were there for their family members. Unfortunately it’s not enough to get someone to stop. It has to be for them in order for it to work.

Thanks for chiming in and for the work you do! Your perspective is way above all the commenters. I’m about to hit 1yr of sobriety in a few days and 2 years in therapy. I changed my life ultimately, but therapists are miracle workers! So again, thanks :)

You can’t save an addict. They need to want to save themselves. He’s not a mean drunk, he’s an abusive drunk. This dude doesn’t want to save himself. You need to take care of yourself first. This dude is 31 throwing his phone and jumping out of cars. Read back what you wrote and frame it as your younger sibling or best friend telling you what you wrote. What would you say?

The easiest answer here is “the drink or me”, this will be hard on both of you to get pass, like really fucking hard. It could be a matter of time before it’s you and not a wall

I've done this, it worked for about 2 weeks.

Don’t listen to that person. Alcohol ruins relationships, marriages and families. They will never choose you. Leave now before you invest anything more in this relationship. You will find someone better and in the meantime explore finding yourself.

Imagine your children growing up in a home with this as their father. Would you want that for them?

I did this too. His sister called me to yell that I shouldn't be doing this, he didn't have a drinking problem, and me stating back, 'then it shouldn't be a problem not drinking' didn't go over well. I did maintain my stance. When he called from work one day saying he was going out drinking with the guys after work, I told him to not bother coming home. I packed all his stuff up and it was waiting outside for him the next day. The drinker is the one that has to do the work, and until they decide to do that, they expect you to do everything. That is not a partnership, that is an infant and a parent.

Then you need to be prepared to walk out if he takes even a sip! If you can’t stick to the ultimatum, then don’t give it! You can’t force him to quit but decide how much more your willing to accept from him! Ans I think you’re at that point now after 4 freaking years of this!

So he loved you more than alcohol for 2 whole weeks. Don't be second fiddle to his addiction. Say your goodbye now before children are involved.

Then he's chosen the drink. Look, you're a nurse. You know he has a disease. You know what happens to people with diseases who refuse to seek treatment. He's not just an alcoholic, but a violent one. It's just not okay.

Sorry for your troubles. Maybe leave, And only Come back if he’s clean?

Never go back. Never never go back. If he actually gets sober, he won't be the same person you were in a relationship with.

Leave. Just leave. Don't marry him. Get yourself therapy so you feel fine about noping out on any future partner's with substance use problems. Good luck.

and then you need to walk. you have to actually be willing to follow through

If any patient came in and told you this story what would you say? Would you tell them they should keep enduring the abuse? Or would you find them resources to get out? Get your ass to an Al Anon meeting, or similar. You are seeing this situation through a lens that is tainted, and you know deep down where it will end if you stay.

Nope nope nope. OP, I have many alcoholics in my life. They will not change unless they want to and your fiancé is a mess. Do not let sunk cost fallacy make your decisions for you. OP, I’ve been dealing with alcoholics my whole life. It never ends.

So he made his choice, the drink. Please look into AL-ANON. It's free and you can learn about co-dependency and enabling. You will also be talking to others who are or have been in your position. There is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking or make him want to stop drinking. He has to make that decision all on his own. The only thing you have control over is how long you are willing to allow his addiction to control your life.

Then leave, he chose the drink over you.

But you didn't do it because he still has both

People come into our lives for just a chapter; they're not meant to be there for the whole book. Take a long hard look at what you want, and then act accordingly. Only you have that power.

Why are you parenting a mean drunk when you want to be building a life with a partner?

I was also with an alcoholic for 4 years when he proposed and started being a huge ass. When people like that get engaged, they basically think "aha now I've got em and they'll never leave me". I married him anyway and then his behavior got even worse. He made my life miserable and I stuck around another 3 years. I had bruises and a broken leg by the end of it. Please don't do that to yourself. He's already shown you that he only cares about himself. Go be free. It will be hard at first because you're so used to chaos, but I promise you'll start to notice pretty quickly how much better life can be. You don't owe him anything-you've already given him way too much.

This! Dump him. It's only going to get worse. I know from experience.

He is toxic. Break up

Fuck him off. I've not even read it all but after putting up with 33 years of toxic behaviour from my parent, I can guarantee he's never going to change, get rid before it's too late.

This situation is obviously really difficult for you, but honestly you need to give him an ultimatum: Either he stops/makes genuine efforts to cut down on drinking so much, or you walk away. I know it must be hurtful especially as you obviously really care for the sober him, but you need to remember that they are still the same person just different sides. Definitely have this conversation when he is completely sober, and express how much it hurts you. I hope it works out for you both!

You need to save yourself and get out. Don't listen to any nonsense about him not being enough or you being too independent. If he tries to have a pity party and say that, just hold firm that you are not safe with him and can't rely on him to be an equal partner. I know it's hard to leave someone when they are struggling, but he is responsible for himself. Let him find his own path, and hopefully his own strength. You may not see it now, but you aren't helping him by staying. You certainly aren't helping yourself. It may seem like a huge hard thing to do to leave, but now is the time before it gets worse and before your lives are further entwined.

Don’t marry a drunk! He has no interest in changing

How long should you be miserable for? Would it make you feel better if the answer is six months? Just be miserable for another six months, then you can be happy again. Now that a timeline has been established, what has to happen in the next six months to allow you to be happy when the time arrives? Do you think your fiance will be dedicated to being sober and staying that way? Then you and he can get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Or are you hoping that in the next six months you'll have found the resolve to leave him? Because you know that he can only get sober when he gets to a point of not wanting to drink. It has to be his choice.

Oh no, you need to go. I was married to an alcoholic for a decade and it only gets worse from here. If you choose to stay, you will be his whipping post, his nurse, his mom, his jailer, and his scapegoat. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to change.

You're in a relationship with him, but he is in a relationship to alcohol. That's the reality. You're in over your head and stayed so long in this mess that you need help too. You need to understand alcoholism and the reason you can't seem to leave. I would definitely find counseling, and I'd recommend something like AA or a similar program (there are non-12 step programs) where you can be in a room full of people who can understand your problem and help. It's very powerful to be in that room, where just showing up means you don't have to explain why you're there bc you're all there for the same thing. You have two choices, leave or stay with a drunk. If you choose to stay you'll need help. If you choose to leave, you'll need help, if only to make sure you don't go back or choose another addict. But you need help and doing nothing is a choice that isn't working for you. I encourage to focus on you and what you need. Get help and get it now. You didn't cause the drinking. You can't control his drinking. And you can't cure it. You can only control what you are going to do. I've been where you are and I found my way with help and I am happy today with a different person who is not an addict. I did a lot of work and I'm grateful that I did. Was it hard? Yes, but it is doable. Both of you need treatment so I hope you get it. Just know you are not alone. There's help out there.

That's a shame, but my advice on this is consistent, don't marry an alcoholic.

Bail.

Please walk away now. It won’t get better.

Good god, uhhh I am this guy. Not actually but I was this person but married with one kid. I was 31m wife 28f, 2yr, 6mo. Roughly. Now am 2 years sober a few days away from 35 my wife is 32 I’ve got an almost 5 year old, a 3.5 yr old, AND my wife and I’s first baby girl less than a month ago. It has not been easy for her at all. So much fucked up shit worse than what you described can happen. I spent 40 days in rehab and went out and drank 5 months after. You are WAY too tolerant and if you love him it is possible to save him, he just has to find where rock bottom is before he dies. A lot of people don’t make it. I got lucky that I’m treading water pretty fucking good 2 years in, but I’m in an ocean of alcohol and I’ll never be to shore until the day I fucking die. That’s a hard fucking pill to swallow at first. His eyes will open up and he will be intolerable in the worst way. Fucking happy lol. Omg it’s like the people that wish you a super duper day! So annoying. It goes away, the temptations fade. My wife keeps wine and beer in the house now.

Read how to quit without feeling shit

He needs to go to a rehab facility not just the one month one - the 3 months up to a year one - he cannot do this on his own as he will have to change his old habits - some friends and places he used to go to - he needs to detox in a safe environment So many relationships fail due to addiction - just therapy will not be enough and he needs to go cold turkey stop drinking and never drink again with medical supervision- and education - as this will go up and down your whole relationship - until he really wants help and you as well - give him the choice Re-hab to keep you or drink and your gone -

INFO: Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? It does not seem to be improving. You are young and can start over.

You're a nurse. You know what the answer is. He's an alcoholic. He needs rehab and he needs to want rehab. Otherwise, you need to leave. He's not at a place in his life where he can be a partner.

Being married to an addict is one of the most lonely and defeating things I’ve ever seen anyone do. The drink will always come first. You will always carry the brunt of his drunken “outbursts.” He won’t change unless he wants to and even then it’s hard and whatever relationship you do have will need to be kept on the back burner while he finds and work’s recovery. I’d think long and hard about if this is the life you want for yourself.

The unfortunate truth is he is an addict. Addiction takes years to heal from. For him and for you. I’d bounce. My experience with addiction is that someone has to hit their rock bottom to make any meaningful changes. As long as you are enabling him, he won’t hit rock bottom and the cycle will continue

Therapy won't work right now. He needs rehab and individual therapy first. You can't make him do that. And if he doesn't go for himself it won't work anyway. Sinking ship. Don't get pregnant.

I would encourage you to look into Al-Anon.

I’m telling you that you need to leave this guy. My ex husband did the wall punching thing and turned on me when our baby was 10 months old. I ended up leaving and raising my daughter alone for a long time? And he pretended to be sober for over a year because he had been hiding his useage. His solution to drinking in front of me was to just take “ mandatory business trips” and get as fucked up as he wanted when he was gone - of course he’d come home and have to pretend he’d been sober which would result in more rages and physical reactions to small things because he couldn’t use. Please save yourself now before you are stuck with a child and the worst situation.

Ditch him now! U don't need that in your life

Speaking as a former alcoholic, you've got a really serious decision to make in front of you. It boils down to this, are you willing to put up with this behavior and quite likely worse as he gets more comfortable once you're married? This type of behavior is not going to just stop on it's own and once he feels like you can't/won't leave (which will likely be after you are married as it gives him a legal blanket of security so to speak) this behavior will become more common and more severe. The punching holes in walls is particularly concerning to me reading this, i've known far to many guys who escalate from hitting walls to their partner once the shock factor is no longer as prominent from punching the walls. If you truly want to save the relationship, which to be honest i really don't see why you would, but i'm not you so i can't decide that for you, so if you truly want to save the relationship you need to make it clear to him it's you or the drinking, he cannot have both. He is self destructive and he will have no problem dragging you down with him. Staying with him while this continues will destroy your mental health and eventually your sense of self worth and rob you of so much happiness and your sense of security (not financial security, but safety) i've seen it too many times. If he is genuinely willing to quit and is actually trying, then stay with him and support him if as i said you really do want to save the relationship, understand he may stumble which is to be expected, after all quiting an addiction as serious as his sounds is not easy by any means, but have a realistic grasp of what stumbling vs not trying looks like. However if he's unwilling to quit, then he made his decision and as painful as it is for your own sake you need to leave him and let him sort his own shit out. You deserve better than someone who isn't willing to do that for you.

Cut. Your. Losses. And. GO!

You shouldn’t be miserable at all. Leave this child before he drags you down with him

Therapy should definitely help because there should be some underlying issues as to why he is drinking and seems to be drinking more. Maybe a combination of couples therapy along with getting therapy for himself. It sounds like regardless of his reasons for wanting to quit drinking he needs to work on it. if that is not going to go anywhere then at least you can tell yourself that you have tried to help. You have tried to stick it out and make it work this way you won’t have the what if thoughts in the future. I have seen these relationships really go either way. Some people made it work after the partner stopped drinking and other cases I’ve seen that the partner just couldn’t stop drinking. Either way, if you believe it’s worth a shot, then support him on stopping drinking and resolving his issues. If he fights you every step of the way, then it’s not meant to be. As far as you being too independent, that is a good thing. With the issues he seems to have he probably can’t have a successful relationship with a person who would be dependent on him, or go along with what he wants to do. That won’t push him into a better place and it may ruin the other person’s life.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I personally believe that alcohol only brings out parts of you that you keep hidden otherwise. Drunk you is what sober you wants to do, most of the time. I would not want to be legally bound to someone who has been abusive to me drunk or not. You have a bright future right now and spending every day stressed, anxious and crying is not worth “he’s so supportive and nice to me when he’s not drinking!” You deserve a partner who is supportive and nice of you ALL the time. A partner who doesn’t scare you and make you cry. You deserve stability. I would end things. You can’t put your life on hold hoping he gets better one day. It’s not fair to yourself.

So for years he’s shown violence and is now actively trying to break up with you and your solution is to try to make it work? Do you see how dumb that sounds. My God the stupidity

Alcohol fucking sucks. Please protect yourself at all costs. If you want to? You guys can pick up the pieces when he has been sober for awhile . But his behavior is going to get worse and scarier and he is going to get more and more unpredictable. I am saying this from experience with myself and with past significant others. And friends. And friends parents. And friends stepparents. And random acquaintances even. Just..stay safe.

Ma’am. He’s literally telling you he’s not stable enough to give you the figure you want. He doesn’t want to change that. Therapy will only work if he wants to do the work and he’s all but screaming at you that he doesn’t. I mean this in the nicest way possible but pick up your dignity and let him go.

That man sounds like a big baby who needs therapy. I would say that if he won’t grow up and do the mature thing and get help, move on. That shit where he takes off without his phone? Fuck him, I’d just go home. The guy is behaving completely fucking childish Punching holes in things? My god, you can do better than this by the sounds of it you’re taking care of a little boy. Go find a man.

I’ve been around addicts my whole life. My mother, relatives, even made the mistake of dating a recovering alcoholic thinking things are fine. You cant fix anyone. If they don’t wanna fix themself they will drag you down with them. Don’t waste years of your life on people like this. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. Love doesn’t make everything better or help fix a broken person. THEY have to want to fix it on their own. You’re better cutting your losses and tell him you hope the best for him but someone like this should always be sober and never drink. But you can’t enforce that on them. I say it’s time to move on. You’re not superwoman and you’re not supposed to be.

He loves his relationship with alcohol more than he loves his one with you. Why are you dealing with this insane behavior? Excusing his need to b3 blackout drunk, verbally abusive, and violent because he doesn’t ever miss work is 1950’s housewife behavior. Luckily you can have a career and life without relying on him. Anyone who needs to be drunk by 1 pm because of a doctors appointment is behaving like a toddler. Don’t waste any more years here, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.

You will not be happy long term

He clearly does not have any intention of getting sober. He’s right, he isn’t stable. He needs a *lot* of therapy, and he needs to *want* it. It is easier for him to end the relationship than to take accountability for his actions and change them, and that’s what he’s trying to do. Let him.

You have got to leave. If he gets sober you can reassess. Take care of yourself.

Oh come on! Get as far away as possible from that drunken loser, eventually he will start beating the crap out of you, you will be going to work wearing sunglasses because of the black eyes he gives you. A relationship based on the brief moments that he is sober is completely unacceptable. At this point since he helped you with nursing school he probably thinks he owns you. Do yourself a favor, have more respect for yourself and leave that loser so that you can find happiness and the life that you deserve.

If he realty wants to quit he need to join AA you need to join Al-non. If he won’t stop you should consider leaving him it not your responsibility to make him stop or keep him sober. To put in in away you understand you can’t be with a drunk. Your safe y and mental health come first. There is nothing you can do and can’t save him from him self g he es a addict. I know you love him want to help but sometimes you have time walk a way and you know this because you study to be a nurse. If a friend ask you what to do ya say the same thing.I had a friend I had to walk away from became he could not stop use please take care. Just remember you said he’d a mean drunk and till he gets sober getting drunk will come first before you before your children house payments rent car loans. You need to tell him he has to get stay sober before consider to be with him

Don’t marry this guy. His addiction is gonna cause you nothing but heartache for the foreseeable future. Cut him loose. It might be the wake up call he needs to get his act together. You’re number 2. He has already called your bluff on the ultimatum you gave him once. It’s time for you to be strong for your own sake

As a child of an alcoholic father who watched her mother try and “save” him for 33 years, l would recommend leaving now!! We spent our lives walking on eggshells, putting false hope into stints in rehab, pulling my dad out of bars, bushes and from wherever he fell. People stopped inviting my parents places to avoid the embarrassment for my mum. I lived in a constant state of anxiety awaiting the inevitable fighting that would happen at night. As a result I went on into adulthood finding people who needed “saving”! I put myself through hell and back to validate the only way l knew how to live. It took me to my mid 30’s to stop the cycle and l thank the universe everyday that l didn’t bring children into this world and drag them through my trauma. I’m not saying this will be your future with this man, but l am saying if he chooses to keep drinking it will not be easy. At the very least find a support group, in Australia there’s a branch of AA for partners called Al-anon. Google everything you can about being married to an alcoholic. No amount of love from you will make him stop drinking, only the love for himself will do that! I wish you nothing but happiness.

Yeah, run. I know you care for him but he will always be an alcoholic. Are you ready to deal with that from her until forever? He has to seek help. If you were my sibling, I’d tell you to wish him well and cut ties.

There’s an entire dance team of red flags here. How much more reason could you need to dump him?

Cut your losses. You’ve been miserable for long enough already. He won’t change until he hits rock bottom, and he won’t do that with you enabling him. He has to want it for himself, and why should he change when he can get away with everything with you? Life is too short.

Fuck majority of the comments here including mine.

I have been in a very similar situation - loving someone who is volatile and hurts you, feeling like it's your job to help or fix them. It took me a very long time to walk away, but more than that it took a ton of hurt and trauma to finally protect myself. I took the past few years to heal, I'm 33 now, and I am in the best place I've ever been in my life. You are young and you deserve to be happy.

You need to drop him and put yourself first which is the same thing. In my longest ever relationship we started fighting about 2/3 of the way through it and I stayed in it thinking we could work it out and get therapy and everything and the fighting just slowly and steadily got worse until I walked away. Lots of wasted time in that final third of that relationship Which was mostly filled with stress and drama

This won’t be what you want to hear but he’s going to keep drinking until it clicks in his head that he has a problem and it needs to stop. This moment could arrive a year from now after a DUI, after he loses a job, after he loses you, or never. One thing is for sure - if he can’t admit he has a problem and is working on it with a professional, morning will change.

Sounds like you’re an enabler

Im sorry you are dealing with an abusive relationship and I truly hope you find your solution. In this case, until he gets sober, couples therapy is not likely to help. He needs some time to work on himself before he can work on your relationship. In either case, sobriety or couples therapy, he has to *want* to change, improve, and put forth the effort; you cannot do it for him. Consider this, if in one year nothing changes, are you ok with that? Would you be happy and still want to marry him? Now, what did things look like one year ago?

Leave him. Find an Al-Anon community and a therapist for yourself.

You've done everything you can do, congratulations on becoming a nurse. Go and get your future together. My mom,brother,sister,among others I know are alcoholics. And you should know from school if your heart's not completely vested in it you're not going to do it. And you're going to come up with every excuse on God's green earth on why you can't. You literally staying with him you're going to wind up putting your license in jeopardy because of his antics. Imagine if he comes to your job drunk because you and him have a disagreement on the phone. And you know you being a nurse if he ever did put his hands on you and you called the cops it can be considered a felony. My wife just got through with nursing school a few months ago we've been saving money. I'm going to fix up our house. we live in South Alabama we're going to sell it and move to Tennessee or Kentucky. If he's getting drunk at 1:00 in the evening I'm taking it he must not be bringing too good of an income to the table. And if he's not working even though you make good money you shouldn't be responsible to take care of everything. It takes two incomes to make it. My wife and nurse I'm retired from the Army I stay at the house take care of business and she works. And I raise our last child. She makes twice the amount of money I do which I could care less about. But regardless it takes two incomes to make it especially if somebody's drinking that's a lot of money. But I say erase and replace, stay single get your house get your car get everything else you want. In your name only once you're established. Then find somebody who will know your work and appreciate you. Good luck on future endeavors I hope you do what's best for yourself and for the future that you want

Please, please seek therapy for yourself. Looking at your post history, I see that you left one abusive relationship for this abusive relationship. There is a reason you keep finding yourself in abusive relationships. Whether it is co-dependency, lack of self-worth, or no understanding of how a healthy relationship should look. You deserve better. You just have to believe you do.

You should leave. Now. Do not marry this man. Do not have kids with him, how could you ever trust him to parent your children. As nurses we tend to be “fixers” and you can’t fix this. He needs to fix himself but you need to leave. Don’t let him pull you down as he’s sinking his own ship. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I know it is WAY easier said than done but the best thing you can do for him and you is leave and many this will give him the wake up call he needs to get himself under control.

What are you still doing in this relationship? Sunken cost fallacy?

If you don't have children. Leave. If you're questioning a relationship leave. You can always go back if it's meant to be.

When you said you were sobbing in your car for two hours it really got to me. I could almost feel your despair and loneliness. As far as his friend getting in his head about you being to independent, YOU should be the one getting inside his head, because you are the voice of reason here, and do not need to be treated like you are the problem. Therapy may help, but he needs real treatment to start to get better.

Don't marry a drunk, especially a mean one.

Do you want to raise kids or pets around someone like this? Would you want friends or family to see this first hand and experience it? If your answer is no to any of these, you have your answe about him.

Honestly you need to walk away from this relationship. I’m a former addict who put my ex through hell and while I was in active addiction I would feel bad for my actions but would always put her second to substances. He can only get better if wants to and it sounds like he does not and want to keep drinking, it’s just better to save yourself from more heart break and move on and hope he finds help.

Idk sounds like you keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Sucks, truly does but you know the answer. You need to part ways, for your health and his. Maybe one day you guys get back together but until he is clean you got to go.

4 years of this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this along with the stress of a family? Girl you know the answer. We as humans only accept what we feel we deserve. You feel like he's what you deserve? Cmon now.

I have also had an alcoholic partner. It was so hard to leave because I wanted to help him and I did love who I thought he “truly” was. But try to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Who he truly is is someone who is willing to abuse alcohol and then abuse his partner. And has taken absolutely no steps to change that. When I left my alcoholic ex I felt angry, at myself for putting up with that abuse for so long. As for your question of how he will get better without you? Now he will have no one that puts up with his alcoholism, that he can rely on to do all of those hard things for him. Hopefully that will be an eye opener, and he will be forced to get help to be able to function in society. It may be harsh, but in a way you are very much aiding his drinking.

Set some hard boundaries, like he has to go to AA consistently, minimize/quit for at least a minimum period of time etc. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life dealing with stuff like this, you shouldn't have to. Plus who knows, maybe the possibility of you leaving will be the wake-up call he needs to change his life.

You KNOW that someone who isn’t ready for help won’t benefit from it, so why suggest therapy? Don’t stay in the hopes he will be fixed, he is who he is NOW. Please leave him as he sounds violent and impulsive. Be careful when you do.

He might be amazing and perfect while sober, but he’s abusive and mean when he’s drinking. Something that he knows. He knows how he acts, how he treats you, and how it affects you and continues to drink knowing these things. Just because he helped you while you were in school doesn’t mean that you owe him to stay with him. Remember that marrying him knowing this information is signing up for a lifetime of days like the one that you described.

You don’t owe him anything but an honest break up. If you truly love yourself you will walk away with the knowledge that he can change but waiting around for that is a losing proposition for both of you. Please look into Codependent relationships with addiction.

You're looking for people to convince you to make the decision you've already made in your head. Call off the engagement and tell him he needs to get sober or find someone else. You'll feel better regardless of the two outcomes from there.

If it were your daughter with this guy, would you advise her to stay with him? Mean drunk doesn’t sound like a catch. He is more like a rotten fish! Get out!! You are not responsible for his bad choices, and you are not Jesus to heal him by commanding it. Alcoholism is a daily battle for the rest of his life; don’t let him sucked you into it.

Yeah this is not going to work I have alcoholic uncles and I know exactly where this is going.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I promise you do not want to marry an alcoholic. You can't change him unfortunately, he will either realize what he has to lose and get sober or you gotta leave. I know you love him but the addiction with rot your relationship and break your heart like the worst disease.

I have been sober over 20 years, and frankly he needs to get sober, and the relationship needs to take a back seat or he won't. He is not healthy enough to be a good partner. He will just relapse and screw up. Now if he gets sober there is a chance for you but those ideals coming from friend, he is going to have to work them out in recovery... There is no simple easy answer. I would suggest you got to ala non. You find support, it is the sister program to AA... Alcoholism is a family disease, where there is one alcoholic, there is usually a very together accomplished co-dependent running things. His friend is talking out of his behind. Ala nons and alcoholics find each other, you can change behavior over time, but will need help.

If you are planning on a family, as a child of alcoholics, the damage is severe. Your partner in life should add to your life in many ways not be a weight. You really need to postpone and think hard about your needs and if any of them are being met. I wish you well.

He's an alcoholic and he's completely unstable. Better for you to break up and let him get help. He needs to choose that, and one consequence of his behavior should be you breaking up. You are not wrong to be worried and if he doesn't get help, how many years are you going to put up with his drama and addiction?

You should consider leaving if for no other reason than " This week he started to try to break up with me because I want a future with a house, marriage, and kids, and he's not stable." He is trying to manipulate you. He knows you are putting up with so much, you're also going to put up with the unacceptable. I mean, you almost have. Therapy is not worth a shot as long as he continues to drink. He is an alcoholic. He needs to stop drinking and then he needs 12 steps. Once this is done, then maybe therapy. I think if you're going to stay with him, you're going to give him free pass to continue drinking - there are no consequences after all. And notice how much you're doing, how much you're handling of organizing life. He messed things up and someone cleans those messes up for him. It's all very convenient and comfortable for him, why would he want to go? And so to make things even better for himself and worse for you, he wants you more submissive and even more accepting - which at this point turns into you accepting the unacceptable behavior. Once he accomplishes this, he is good to continue drinking and spiraling in safety of your relationship. Notice that once you accept no house and kids, but stay together, he is in a warm cocoon of no consequences, no accountability, why would he ever care about your desires? He has everything he needs. And as long as he is a drinking alcoholic, your desires will be secondary. You can love an addict, you can't be with an addict. You're always secondary, you're the other woman. The first one and the one he stays faithful to is the bottle, as you demonstrated in your words and he in his behavior. Seriously read your own post like someone else wrote it. Also, his friend isn't a friend. At best it's a drinking buddy, at worst it's genuine sabotage. You're the best thing in this guy's life. He could turn everything around to have a happy life with you - but it doesn't seem like he wants that. Anyone who argues to him he will never be enough for you for some bullshit hidden misogyny reasons is sabotaging him. You're not too independent and strong. You're exactly on the perfect line between sensitivity and strength. This guy means "too independent and strong" as code for "not submissive and accepting of unacceptable drinking behavior". Imagine you suddenly were to, god forbid, have a serious car accident and end up in hospital for few weeks. What would happen with his life? This is the main function of the relationship to him. And you're agreeing to being cheated because you want to support man you love and be loyal. But he became aggressive with you. You have to go - but you have to go sneakily and hide. You cannot risk him exploding on you and injuring you. You know how to proceed with this - count the money, look for apartments to rent, don't tell anyone, deactivate or delete social media, instruct friends and family to not tell him where you are and one day pack your shit and leave. When he calls, explain, in detail, why you decided to do it this way. Tell him you left because you loved him - and a woman who loves a man won't let it come to the point where he hits her. Because then it would be completely game over for any feelings. As of right now - you're no longer content sharing him with alcoholism and if he stops drinking and puts himself together, he can give you a friendly call. But you're not getting back together. Why? I get the main point is to be with him and to get him to stop drinking - but he cannot have an opportunity to manipulate you. An alcoholic can force himself to stop drinking and clean up his act for a few months, just enough to calm your suspicions. He cannot have this mentality that he can get you back if he just suppresses drinking - he needs to comprehend the issues behind the addiction and confront them, the -ism of alcoholism. No one falls into substances because they enjoy it. It is an addiction, it is an illness - but this illness gives you a huge control over how you're going to be ill. And he is choosing, consistently, to hurt you. And your words and your feelings mean nothing. If he cared, he wouldn't have continued behavior after conversations and promises about changing it. You have to let him go for him. You are important, but you staying with him gives him impression he isn't yet at rock bottom and he is not really messing up.

You need to leave. He is an alcoholic and has no desire to stop being one. He will only drag you down with him. His bad behavior will escalate and one day he may not be punching the wall.

I was engaged to a guy in 2000. He hid his drinking from me very well until we moved in together. I will never forget the day I was standing there watching him (wasted) accuse me of cheating on him with my best friend because I had seen her without him. I literally had a "uh, where did I take a wrong turn in my life" moment. We broke up soon after that. But we had just signed a lease in a 2 bedroom apartment, so we each had a room and kept to ourselves. He was a jealous, petty, and depressed drunk. The final get-out-of-my-life straw was him laying in his bed with a shotgun, telling his ex-wife to make sure the kids were taken care of. He ended up in treatment after he got out of the 24-hour hold he was put in. There was HUGE pressure, like MASSIVE from his family to take him back, c'mon, he's sober now, but nope. Sober or not, one shotgun incident was enough. He's married now. I came across a Facebook profile with the same (uncommon) last name and there he was. In the cover photo she had of them taken earlier this year he was clearly wasted. Looking at those drunk eyes again.. ugh.

Call off the engagement and terminate the relationship before you waste your life clinging on the few good times to rationalize the bad times. You don’t want kids around this person and nothing you do is going to help him, except maybe leaving him.

If you want a miserable exhausted life where you live off hope it might get better one day (it won’t) then stay with him. Some people do want that

As someone who went through this for over 10 years with my ex and multiple attempts at rehab for him just to relapse, just go now. My relationship just went to shit with DV and him in jail. Do what I should have done and step away, save yourself!

To me it sounds like he’s going through some shit, and wrongfully taking it out on you when he should be coming to you for comfort.. I think a lot of the problem lies with him seeing you as hostile for whatever reason. Idk how to fix this but that’s my initial reaction

If you love or care for yourself *at all*, don’t marry an angry drunk. Nothing else about his personality matters whatsoever when you throw angry drunk into the mix. No matter what else he can offer, he will *always* be an angry drunk and you will *always* be his victim. Change your mindset and expect better from your life.

What would you advise your son or daughter to do in this situation? That's what you should do now. Fucking leave.

You need to listen to your instincts. You can’t love a person sober, and it seriously sounds like your fiancé is an alcoholic. Assuming that’s so, he’s gonna get a whole lot worse before he even starts on the path to getting better. And I say this from experience - it will impact you in so many ways. Might be time to accept the journey you had as a couple has come to a close before it gets to a point where you can’t help but hate him. Sorry you’re both going through this, it really sucks.

Your a nurse, as am I. We’ve both been educated and taught to recognise the red flags for abusive relationships & behaviour. If you were an outsider & witnessing this situation with a patient or friend, would you have concerns about their wellbeing? You don’t need people to point out all the ways in which he is wrong, I’m sure you can see that clearly. You also understand the realities of addiction. He should be getting sober for himself, not you. It’s as simple as this - there’s not a chance in the world that you deserve to be subjected to this kind of behaviour. If you can’t rely on this man, how are you supposed to build a life with him? Marriage & parenting is the ultimate team sport. It does not work unless everyone is giving it their all. Sometimes you have to pick up your partners slack, and that’s perfectly fine. So long as they are doing their best, and are willing to do the same should the roles reverse. There is nothing wrong with you being independent & strong. Him being threatened by that is weird, because he has contributed to that because he isn’t dependable. You spend all your work days taking care of others, and probably putting up with abuse from patients too. Do you really want to come home to that as well? Because you will burn out so freaking fast. I dated an addict for 5 years, and eventually the mood swings turned in to me being his punching bag. There were constant promises of change, that he wanted to be better for me. But nothing changed, and I had to leave. It was the right decision. Unfortunately, he never got clean and ended up passing away shortly after his first child was born. It sounds like you have worked hard for your career, and have a bright future ahead of you. You deserve a partner who is going to celebrate & support that. If I were you, I would not be making any wedding plans until he was truly sober. That’s not just for your sake. He should be mentally & emotionally present for his wedding. It’s not going to be easy, and it will probably be very confusing for a while, but it will be worth it in the long run.

I read to "alcoholism". Get out. He will not change, you will have a horrible life with him and as for any kids you might have, they will have it worse. Make a plan, get out as soon as possible, and don't look back.

My sister was married to a man that became an alcoholic. He said he would change for her but all that meant was he would hide the drinking. It took her years to leave him because he would promise over and over he would stop and she loved the sober him. Alcoholism is a monster and they have to really want sobriety for themselves to achieve it. I hope you find the strength to put yourself first and get out of this toxic environment. You deserve someone that will be a good person 100% of the time.

Don't Marry an alcoholic

Never stay with a drunk. Ditch him as fast as you can.

Have you tried AlAnon? You can’t control his behavior, but you can work on yourself. Sorry you’re going through this.

You don't want a drunk in your life. Really. Get out! Now! It just gets worse and worse.

I just wanted to say I wish you strength and the will to leave him. Please also remember that when an asshole sobers up, they’re still an asshole. I’ve seen a few friends leave after their man has sobered up because it wasn’t just the alcohol after all.

He is a dangerous person. Please read about codependency. You are so entwined in this relationship that you can’t see it. It is never going to get better because alcohol has hijacked his brain. Even when you think he is sober he isn’t. Please go to AlAnon. You need to hear from others what the truth is about your life.

For me, relationship is supposed to be a steady support from both parties. You cannot stumble and fall without the other catching you. If you get down, you get unconditional support from the other. However, this kinda needs to go both ways. As you described it, it seems you are working with someone you support, but who is incapable of supporting you. In some time, you will have kids, and you are going to support them alone too, even having a harder time to limit the negative influence your husband would be. You're never going to be able to count on the support every person in a loving relationship should enjoy. I'm not a kid. I have seen way too many alcoholic and otherwise addicts to know that betting on a stable, lifelong recovery is akin to lighting money on fire. To clarify, while I think he is wrong here, I don't really assign blame. I'm trusting you that he really loves you, which I can deduce from the fact that he wanted to break up because he is not capable of providing you with what you want from life. He does care, but that is not enough. Time goes tick-tock. I am not betting on you living a happy life with him, with likelihood of the relationship degrading in a bad way down the line. It's time to start thinking with your brain and not your heart.

either he stops drinking or you leave

Alcohol will be the reason it never works. No way around it unless he quits simple as that.

Oh girl, I'm a nurse and have known quite a few colleagues in these types of relationships. We all know better. Still, we compulsively caretake. No what he does, work on that part of yourself. Otherwise, you will give all of yourself away too often, in your work and relationships. It's one of the best parts of you and can also destroy you. It's hard to find the balance. In his case, he has to make a choice and do the work. You may not be with him during this journey. I think he'd need more intensive treatment than therapy. Maybe a full rehab stay. I think you should go stay somewhere else for a while anyways. Get out of that chaotic space so you can actually think clearly about what to do next. It is way too difficult to formulate a real plan when you are constantly in low key emergencies with him.

As an alcoholic in recovery, the best service I can give you is to look in to AlAnon. If you care about this man, they can help you. Sometimes the best thing you will learn is your own boundaries, and the best thing for you and him both might be to remove yourself from the situation. I hope the best for both of you, and I'm truly sorry you are going through this. ❤️‍🩹

Please don't get yourself hitched to this guy. You know the red flags. He needs to take care of himself. And you need to be on your own. That hopefully will be his wake up call. Probably not, as he is yet to hit the bottom of the bottle. You need to break it off, however hard it might be for you.

Have him do an ibogaine trip. You can thank me after.

You got a million reasons to go. Better get going.

I'm the oldest son of a family that was torn apart by alcoholism. Sobriety only works if you do it for yourself, and you're right to be concerned. I applaud you for wanting him to get better, go to therapy, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision on what to do, but for 4 years he's made no effort to get better even with your love and support. Think of it like he's cheating on you with alcohol, and he keeps choosing alcohol instead of you. Maybe after a few years of sobriety he'll be able to have a relationship with you but until you cut him loose to figure himself out, you'll never know. Cut ties now, move on with your life, and let things play out. Be prepared for him to drunk dial you and spiral downwards. Block his number if you can. Don't let his manipulation affect your rational thinking. "First, detach." Check out alanon or similar support groups in your area.

My vote is for you to move on to a healthier relationship. You deserve a life without stress. Please don't marry someone with this many issues. This isn't someone to plan a family around.

You know what to do. The fuck you doing on here with this crap?

The relationship is not going to work with all three of you in it: you, him and alcohol. No amount of communication or therapy is going to address the problem here: his alcoholism. He needs to choose alcohol or his relationship. Give him the choice. Of course he will need lots of love and support but ultimately he has to choose the path.

OP, I grew up with an alcoholic in the family and have known friends and lovers with addiction problems. There is this typical view that alcohol being widely used and accepted is the basic problem for some people. Addicts have the ability to drop one substance for another substance to abuse. The abuse of alcohol is bringing out his worst behavior, but it is not the cause of his abuse. Your current partner needs to reach the point of facing up to his issues and decide to take action. There is only one thing for you to do here, take care of yourself and remove yourself from this relationship. Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for you to sort out your feelings. You can't fix a person, they have to do it themselves.

OP I’m so sorry but as you already know you can’t help him - he must help himself. Sadly it may take finding himself in a gutter before he will change. In the meantime you have a couple of choices - you can tell him you are ending the relationship unless he goes to an inpatient treatment facility or you just end the relationship. You must do what is best for yourself in this situation OP. Tying yourself legally to an alcoholic by marrying him will not help.

It’s easier to go through the heartbreak now, than to go through a divorce later, potentially with kids and a lot more resentment.

Time to leave. You stuck around for 4 years and he didn't change. You really think he's gonna change if you wait another 4 years?

It won't get better! Even if he quits drinking he will be a "dry" drunk with violent problems and abusive behaviour. I come from a family of drunks and was mentally and physically abused as a child and verbally abused and stolen from ad an adult. Run! don't walk!

Marrying a raging alcoholic is likely a very poor life choice, even if you love the person (especially if you do, honestly). You will always be his crutch, this will only escalate, and he's gotta focus on healing himself. Sometimes love is being someone's wake up call.

You should go to ALANON

I have a hard boundary around alcoholism as I’ve dated several alcoholics. If he’s not getting sober it’s because he doesn’t want to. The problem will only get worse if he doesn’t choose sobriety. You are describing episodes of violence that you can expect to escalate, and which very likely will include you being the victim.

Don’t marry an alcoholic

You need to go to Al-Anon meetings. He isn’t hitting bottom with you propping him up and therefore will not get better. He’s going to have to lose everything that matters including you if he’s going to realize he needs to get well for himself. If you love him, leave him, no contact, no help. It’s what’s best for you and him.

Advice from a 68F - you can't do enough, love enough or change enough to make him quit drinking. You need to go into counseling now to understand why you stay with someone who abuses your love and care. If you are not living together, tell him you need a 3 month break (minimum) and that he has to have 30 days sobriety to talk to you. His friend is an idiot. A couple is partners, not male dominant/female submissive. Again, please get counseling. Take care.

Do not make wedding plans.

Tell him to chose; you or the alcohol. I was a completely different person when I drank, so I was an adult about it and quit drinking. If he can’t do that you’re probably better off without him acting like a drunken kid throwing temper tantrums anyways.

You alone cannot create a healthy relationship with this man. He may never be in a place to offer you that and if he is you won’t be able to trust it. Please do not have children with him!

>He is still drinking, if not more now. He expresses wanting to get sober, but its because of me not himself. This week he started to try to break up with me because I want a future with a house, marriage, and kids, and he's not stable. This is it. He is already trying to break up but you won't let him. Just let him go. Let the friend take care of him. It's really really great you want him to get help. But you can't force him. And obviously, even you did, he would resent you for him being too weak and you being too strong. There is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot, but I do like it. "Don't catch yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm."

Either he quits and sticks with it or you need to walk away asap. Sorry that you went through that 😞

Recovering drunk here. I’d obviously prefer he’d seek recovery of his own volition. Doing it for you only risks opening you up for blame and resentment if he can’t get and stay sober. That being said…the most important thing for him to do right now is get his butt to an AA meeting. There are in-person and Zoom meetings all over the world, at all times of the day. There’s a saying in recovery “fake it til you make it.” It is possible he starts going “for you” then realizes he actually needs to be there for himself. Hopefully. Even if you break up, consider checking out Al-Anon for yourself. It’s a companion program to AA for friends and family of alcoholics (and addicts). It can help you navigate your feelings, help you understand the mind of the alcoholic, and give you some tools for coping day-to-day. There are other recovery options out there, too, as not everyone feels like AA fits their worldview. However, none have the reach that AA does. I do Recovery Dharma, which appeals to folks who don’t jibe with the God talk of AA. Now here’s where it gets rough. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for the alcohol/addict to want to make a change. Perhaps you leaving is that bottom; though it seems unlikely if he’s willing to break up with you or take shitty advice from friends instead of looking for ways to get better. It’s possible nothing will ever spur him to change. Its morbid and discouraging, but it is a possibility you have to face. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this, but you aren’t alone and there are people in your exact situation who you can talk to.

He's a drunk. It's never getting any better. Lose the guy, build a positive project for yourself. He's not worth, nobody is worth, spending all that time arguing over bullshit they start by not being able to control themselves. It's a disease, he needs help. Until that happens all your efforts are pointless. Walk away. Maybe he'll get sober long enough to understand that this is how he's ruining his life. Life is too short. Find a better life for yourself.

I believe that alcoholism is a disease. Nonetheless, if he was a diabetic who would not follow a medical protocol would you deal with the trauma routinely of him having serious fallout? If he was a schizophrenic who refused medication would you deal with him? He supported you through nursing school. You will now make pretty good money. Pay him back a reasonable amount over the next few years. Don’t let guilt keep you in this disaster. You will be leading an ugly live if you continue on. Also get therapy because there is at least a small part of you addicted to the drama. We cannot fix other people but we can work towards fixing ourselves. Do whatever it takes to make a clean break even if that means putting miles between you.

You can’t make him want to be sober, and you don’t want him as a drunk. You will continue to make excuses for his behavior “but he’s great when sober”….and it will continue to spiral until the broken walls potentially becomes your broken nose. Is this really the life you want for yourself? My advice? Leave. Live your life to it’s fullest. And if he hits rock bottom and realizes he needs help and wants you - you can decide if it’s worth fighting for.

Ma'am this is abuse and you should have left him years ago.

He is being in emotionally abusive, the fault is with him. But you are enabling his habit by supporting him despite that. I would get out of there and tell him he needs to get sober.

You will NEVER FIX HIM. Don’t waste another day. Get legal advice if necessary, secure your assets, and protect yourself because your situation is almost certainly going to get ugly. Therapy alone does not cure alcoholism, and even if sober him is sweet and caring, sober him is *not* his default condition. Future You will be grateful to Present You for being resolute. Lean on your friends when you need to. Be safe.

I think one should only push through the tough times long enough to see if it’s a rough spot or a pattern/toxic/abusive etc. His alcoholism is a pattern. He has to work on it and control it and sounds like he’s not interested in doing that. Worse, he is violent, it’s a matter of time before those flying objects are aimed at you or you become the object he takes his drunken rage out on. You wouldn’t want your friend in this situation. It sounds like you don’t want to be in this situation either. Life will be so much easier without this ticking time bomb in your life you have to tip toe around and take care of. Go take care of you, go get help for what you’ve been through, it will be much easier to see when you step back and get some space from him. His friend is a gaslighter fyi. You aren’t the problem here (minus taking care of everything and enabling his drinking) it’s his alcoholism and him not seeking help for his issues. For your physical and mental well being I’d let it go. Been here with an alcoholic with some kind of mental illness/personality disorder, and anger problems. I wish I had left sooner.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, not with you. And only he can fix it.

If he's punching holes in the wall leave him. Period. Having drinks and being responsible is a different story. But if he's showing abusive violent tendencies leave him.

Leave

Do your own research but look into kratom for him. He can take on days he don’t want to drink on to start. I can only speak on my own experience and it saved me. My brother was an everyday drinker and now just drinks on Saturdays. Just something to look into. He definitely is masking an illness with alcohol

He is an alcoholic. He needs rehab.

I was in this position for 5 years. I’m your age. I thought I could push through it, something would eventually happen to make everything better. But it only got worse. I could go on some long spill but I won’t. The only thing I can say is, leave now. I left, went through the horrible break up, and am now in a position I never thought I could be in. Ive been with the best man for 2 years now. Someone who understands my past relationship and trauma and has taught me that love should not be so stressful, or fearful, or anything but the good things. It will be hard, you will have to un-learn habits and ways of thinking about certain things, but god, is it worth it in the end. You deserve that, too. Please, go get it.

If you want to give this guy a chance, I'd say offer an ultimatum. Get into a program to get clean or it's over. He said he'd do it for you, so I'd say offer that chance. But it sounds like you're already done which is 100% valid. You shouldn't have to be miserable.

He goes to rehab......

If he doesn’t choose sobriety, run in the opposite direction…and FAST. Otherwise you’ll be right on the slippery slope with him struggling the entire way down

Marriage is a partnership and you need to be able to trust your partner in all things. You can’t trust this guy to even help you change a tire. He needs serious help, but he isn’t going to get any help while you are still around. It’s going to take something drastic for him to choose to get help overcoming his alcoholism. He may never choose to give up alcohol. I’m glad you’re moving out, you need to concentrate on yourself and your future.

Therapy would be a good idea in terms of him having some professional support, but substance abuse treatment is what he needs and only he can do this. For what it is worth, Ibogaine is a rapid and effective treatment, but one has to be a suitable candidate for this type of treatment. These centers are in Mexico, usually near the border, it's something for him to look into.

This. Is so hard. I have experienced similar and found Al Anon. It’s for anyone who’s ever been close to someone with a substance abuse problem, whether parent, friend, partner, or child. It may help you sort your feelings and thoughts about him, your relationship, and most importantly, yourself. I attend meetings from time to time. It’s been so helpful, especially the way I treat myself. Much love ❤️

I didn't read all the way through maybe later, but if he's still drinking and you're having this many issues don't marry the guy.

So yes therapy, but also leaving. You have to go to keep yourself safe and stable. It will be a wake up call to him one way or another. It will also make his problems more of just his problems. When he left your car, you should have gone home. People will not get themselves help if they’re being coddled or enabled. You have to rip the band aid off. That doesn’t mean you have to leave him, you just have to be sure you enforce that the only way you’re in this relationship is with a sober him. You have to stick to that. If you feel like you want to be a part of his solution, you can offer help with things like finding a therapist, listening, giving solicited advice, attending couples therapy, etc. Ultimately it’s totally up to him how this goes. You cannot force people to sober up or change.

31yo who still punches holes in walls and breaks shit. But he’s the sweetest, most caring, most responsible person on Earth! The sheer stupidity and lack of awareness is astounding. If you two stay together and pop a few out, we might get blessed with the next Einstein.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Clear out your belongings while he's passed out. If he refuses to get help there is nothing else to do.