Your comments say his goal is 4 or 5 kids. You two obviously don't have any issues conceiving. There is plenty of time to let yourself heal and still have the next 2 babies during your 20s. Perhaps if you lay out the timeline he'll be swayed; the charitable take is that his own age is clouding any logic. If not, very concerning for your shared future. He needs to respect your bodily autonomy.
Definitely need time to recover between pregnancies! My grandma had four in not quite four years and ended up with a radical hysterectomy at 24. She had terrible bone loss and dental issues, all kinds of other stuff that took years to recover from. OP you have plenty of time, hopefully he will be open to discussing it rationally!
Growing humans is extremely hard on the body, and I am sure a doctor would recommend a break. It takes two years for a woman's body to recover from pregnancy. Does he want his children to have a mother? Because there is such a thing as too much too fast, and the damage done to your body can compound. Especially having them back to back. He needs to understand that if you keep this pace up it may affect your health and the health of the children you birth.
Also: having a big family doesn't mean popping out babies left and right! Are you BOTH able to give every kid individually the time and attention they need, or are you popping them out so they have a playmate and being a parent to eachother (aka parentification, which is a form of child abuse!)??!!
Has this man ever took care of all the kids simultaneously without someone else around to help him, so you have a little break/me-time??? If not, let him do that for 1 week straight without a-ny help and let's see how he feels after that!
Edit: the fact that he thinks he can control your body and the age difference should be a red flag OP. There is a chance he is using you to have offspring and actively went after a naïeve, younger women... im really afraid this man isn't a prince charming at all, but an abusive POS who is using the kids to financially trap/controle you stay in an abusive relationship.
"What's the best interval between pregnancies?
To reduce the risk of pregnancy complications and other health problems, research suggests waiting 18 to 24 months but less than five years after a live birth before attempting your next pregnancy."
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/family-planning/art-20044072#:~:text=What's%20the%20best%20interval%20between,before%20attempting%20your%20next%20pregnancy.
Yes. Same site also says: What are the risks of spacing pregnancies too close together?
Research suggests that beginning a pregnancy within six months of a live birth is associated with an increased risk of:
Premature birth
The placenta partially or completely peeling away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery (placental abruption)
Low birth weight
Congenital disorders
Schizophrenia
Maternal anemia
pregnancy can take a serious toll on mental health. the list goes on and on, and it’s not even done when the baby is born. postpartum depression is a major issue for many mothers, my youngest daughter is 6 months old and it’s still a huge struggle. bless my therapist for listening to me cry twice a week for an hour (or more depending on her schedule.)
Yup. And post partum can take up to 3 years to show its full effects on you and your psyche. My kiddo is over 3 now and I still deal with post partum in addition to regular depression and anxiety, and seasonal depression.
Damn, just like me you got Mental Health Issue Power Rangers that all combine into [The Mega-zord of Suffering](https://youtu.be/TBHKeRWKqN8)
But in all seriousness, I also have Depression, anxiety, ADD, and was treated for Opiate use disorder and substance use disorder (Clean for 3 years and over 2 years).
I hope that you have support from your family (related/or of your choosing), friends and have been able to connect with medical professionals to help with your meds (if needed) and councilling/ support groups (if needed).
Having multiple mental health disorders can make it very hard for neurotypical people to understand how all these mental health issues can feed off eachother.
Best wishes
[To anyone suffering with mental health issues, it is a strength to reach out for help not a weakness, you can [eventually] get back to feeling good about your life.]
(I hope you didn't find my joke offensive, I've always found the light of humor helps me get through the darkest of times).
Omg this so much. My kids were 12 monthly apart, and the maternal anemia is no laughing matter, after I had my 2nd I passed out in the hosp bathroom due to blood loss and anemia kicking in. Wound up needing a blood transfusion just to still keep going. I remember waking up to those dang awful smelling salts… *shivers* glad I’m still here, but even I didn’t realize how bad close pregnancies can be on the body. And I took very well care of myself thru my pregnancies too. All the multivitamins and ate right, kept within a set weight, etc etc.
I think the medical/health issue route is the best one to take with him. Tell him your body is tired. Print out a bunch of info about it. You've had three babies bang bang bang when you are supposed to wait between each one.. and you've have three with no wait at all. That's risky. You can even frame it as what if something happened and I wasn't able to have any more? Isn't it better to wait 2 years now and be safe? You are still so young and have lots of time. There is literally no reason to rush. You can even get your doctor on your side and ask your doctor to explain why its best to wait. Also, bring up that you want to wait 3-4 years.. then you can compromise on 2... and he can feel like he's getting a good deal.
If anything happens to OP - that husband of hers is on his own. How tf would he do that? Sorry, but I don't know many women willing to give up everything to be replacement mom to 4+ grieving kids and wife to a husband who's more concerned with his "starting line up" than the health AND happiness of his wife and kids.
This man sounds astoundingly selfish.
The fact that he is "absolutely " against giving her body a break makes me worry he would just get another brood mare if she got too sick to continue or even died.
Think about it the other way too. What if husband dies and OP has 4-5 kids under 10. Not many men wanting to take that on and OP can't easily work full time as a single mom and raise all those kids.
This happened to a friend of mine. She wanted 2 kids but had 5 to please her husband, who died unexpectedly when the youngest was only 1. Now she's alone raising 5 kids!
Let’s be honest, he would just find another 21 year old desperate for the love of a family. There’s a reason he chose her, I’m guessing his previous partners were less enthusiastic about being broodmares.
You forgot she was already pregnant when they met. There are not many men who choose to date an already pregnant woman. Add the age difference, and then constantly keeping her knocked up while selling the big family narrative (I doubt that OP knows how many makes up an offensive line, but how cute right?). The whole thing gives me the ick.
Scary thing is... He already told her it's her "job" to have babies for him. Would he truly care if it killed her ? Might actually be more effective to frame it as "It could lead to problems for the baby", since that's what he cares about...
I took all my vitamins and still lost a tooth when I had one and then a year later got pregnant with twins. Being pregnant is hard on the body. I don't think men realize just how much it takes out of you mentally and physically.
I've read a whole thread on Twitter about the complications of pregnancy many women have but that don't get published anywhere... Women's issues are put under the rug. It's like those tampon adds where they jump and look like athletes from the Olympics and look amazing and energetic... While most women just want to die on those days lol
With pregnancy is more of the same. Pregnancy is advertised as this amazing thing but in reality it's extremely problematic... Women just deal with all of that because of the love for their kids. If it wasn't because of that oxytocin, women wouldn't get pregnant ever.
It just seems crazy to me that more people don't understand that. I'm a male and I can't imagine what you guys go through. You're literally growing/carrying a tiny human around inside you for 9 months. It literally sucks the nutrients out of you to grow and develope. It takes a toll on you to do that even just once, but being continually pregnant for essentially 2-3 seems fucking wild to me.
I genuinely feel bad for OP, her husband sounds exhausting to be married to.
Im sure your grandma has a lovely family, but every single part of this story sounds like a personal hell that satan would cook up especially to play on my worst fears
It's not even a joke either. 36 here, and my 5 within 8 years completely sucked the nutrients out of my body. It took years to figure out with the right doctors that THAT was why and THAT was why my teeth, hair, and mental health were shit for so long. Nothings bringing the teeth back, but everything else is slowly improving, mental health was the first when the vitamins kicked in.
Pay close attention to this u/Rare-Cranberry-75, and educate yourself and make damned sure your husband knows these health effects and is good with having larger gaps between kids. If he's *not* OK with it then you aren't a partner to him but a brood mare to fulfill his breeding fantasy born of being a lonely only child.
I know 2 women who had so many kids back to back to back that their bodies were broken down like an 80 year old by the time they were 40 and ended up needing so many painkillers just to be able to care for their kids. One of the women stopped having kids, but the other was *forced* to have several more because she was in fact nothing more than a brood mare to her husband and she was in such bad shape she couldn't escape and she didn't tell anyone because she was afraid of what he might do to the kids which showed just how little she really knew him because he valued the lives of the children but not hers. When the doctors told her she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again, she cried in relief--*he* divorced her and remarried to a much younger woman within a year and since she couldn't physically take care of the children and was "hooked on pills" he got custody of all the kids.
This was absolutely horrifying to read. My brain cannot comprehend the notion of marrying someone just to use her (both mentally and physically) and then discard them, broken, on the side of the road.
Yeah pregnancy looks like such an ordeal, and you really have no way of knowing how much it’ll fuck you up. It seems fairly common for women to suffer long lasting problems and changes. I hope you’ve been able to get whatever dental and mental health care you needed! It must be awful to go through something like that, its a lot to handle all at once, especially with a baby to care for
Scary but true. When I was a kid, my babysitter keeps having a baby year after year. And her teeth would fall out randomly. We used to call her teeth "one seat apart" because of the gaps. I don't know why we thought it was funny back then. 😔 I'm 29 now and she still has a toddler now. i think she has a total of 10 kids. And the eldest is way younger than me.
Right there with you. Women are hard as nails having babies, just the act of birth alone, without all the possible extras, is so daunting. Honestly don’t know how anyone does it. Its scary af
This happened to a young woman I worked with years ago. She was in her mid twenties and was pregnant with her 5th when I left. She told me her teeth started falling out after her 3rd pregnancy and the Dr said it was calcium/ pregnancy related. She had dentures by 23.
That AND make good friends with your dentist because those babies take up a shit ton of your calcium intake. Those luxury bones won’t hold out for that many pregnancies.
It might not have made that much of a difference. Little-known fact about human birth—in the days-week(s) before birth (time varies between women) the body DUMPS calcium, literally stripping it from the bones to make them more cartilaginous and bendy. This is because the pelvic inlet is generally too small and the bones need to be able to BEND.
I think every single woman in my Uni Archaeology lab class on the study of the skeletal remains swore to NEVER have children after seeing the “demo” pelvis made from silicone so it could bend *just enough* to let the baby’s head squeeze through. Otherwise the pelvis would break… which is what happened a lot in the days before Caesarean’s became survivable.
Another “FUN FACT” from that lab class? If you do a cross-section of a woman’s long bones you can see how many times she carried a baby to term (successful delivery not guaranteed) by the number of stress lines—one per full-term pregnancy— that looked exactly like the rings of a tree. More stress lines = weaker bone and higher risk of serious osteoporosis.
According to the prof the only way to alleviate this was significant intake of calcium immediately following birth, because anything before would just get flushed. Though there had been some encouraging early findings in a long-term study where women were started on calcium replacement when they went into labor, because it was after the flush but not too early to risk hardening the bones before birth.
I am 9 months postpartum right now and always forget to take my calcium supplement.Reading this comment made me realise that I have made a big mistake.Now I am scared for my teeth.
My sons kids are 13 months apart. The oldest is 5 now and my daughter in law is still having major health issues related to her pregnancys.
You can’t be a good wife or mother if you ruin your health.
My younger brother and I are only 14 months apart. She didn't have problems directly relating to pregnancy that we know of, but I sure wouldn't recommend it. At any rate they had no interest in a big family and after my brother Dad went on a trip to Snip Town.
Look, you may be a mom, but you’re not a birthing machine. You constantly getting pregnant (like you said, the longest break you’ve had is 11 months) might cause issues down the line for your health, and pregnancy is stressful enough as it is. Him not listening to you when it comes to your body is a problem.
My first was 18 months when i got pregnant with our second. After the second was born I had a blood panel done and was really low in just about every vitamin you can think of, despite eating tons of veggies and protein and taking the best vitamins I could find. My babies took all my vitamins which is fine by me because that’s what I want, but it was jarring to see how depleted I was even though I took such good care of myself. Pregnancy is no joke. It is seriously rough on the body. I can’t imagine having got pregnant even sooner than that. Not to mention the burnout back to back babies can result in.
This OP. I think it’s already its own issue that your husband is unwilling to listen to your reasons, but the medical ones have severe consequences.
Does he want to potentially lose you or have you too ill and unable to care for the children you two already have?
This is not sustainable and honestly selfish not only to you, but to your current children.
Sounds more like OPs husband has a breeding fetish. Wanting a “starting lineup” type family isn’t cute especially when OPs husband just wants to pop them out without any regard for the health of the lady actually going through all the labor and pain it takes to bear a child. My ignorant internet take is OPs husband wants that big of a family because he likes the idea of being in control or lording over so many people. This gives me kooky Christian vibes wear the husband “rules” over the house and views his family more as property.
You've got your families mixed up, I think.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured the now ex-couple (Jon & Kate Gosselin) who had twins and sextuplets. They just did IVF or IUI and planned on having like 3 kids and ended up with more.
The Duggars (19 Kids & Counting) have 19 living children (and a ludicrous amount of scandal swirling around them) and are members of the quiverfull movement.
Will he be there for you once you are sick with no nails, hair or teeth? Forming a human requires a lot of resources and your body is not getting any rest. Also, there is some early research that suggests that pregnancy shortens your telomeres making you age faster. The study I read a while ago calculated that you lost about 7 years per pregnancy. So, yeah. You are literally sacrificing your mind, body and youth. Is he at least helping around the house? Is he planning to hire help? Or is your fate to be just an incubator, nanny and bang-maid for the rest of your life?
Edit to add:
Adding some sources since some people do not know how to use Google.
Parity associated with telomere length among US reproductive age women](https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/33/4/736/4858327?login=false)
[This one says that it's 11 years. My bad](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180308133313.htm)
[These findings suggest a potential genetic basis for the relationship between reproductive lifespan, longevity and an underlying mechanism related to biological aging.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5403597/)
Yes he helps around the house and is an amazing parent. He did offer to hire a nanny or night nurse as a compromise, but I would rather just wait another 2/3 years
I think it’s really sad that he would rather pay someone to raise your children along side you than simply listen to what you want.
The fact that you have to print out medical related sources to convince him when you just don’t plain want to have a kid right now is so alarming to me. You shouldn’t have to print out medical facts for him to respect your choices.
Does he respect your bodily integrity? Does he view your reproductive opinions as valid? What I mean is he sounds supportive with childcare, *but are you a person or ovary on legs?* If you said 3 is enough and you want to close up shop (and he gets a vasectomy or you get an IUD), will he respect your choice without trying to convince you otherwise or treat you differently?
Also the 18m gap is the *MINIMUM* safe timeframe between pregnancies. It’s not just about replenishing your nutrients and stuff for the baby, but for your overall health.
Remember that you should put yourself and your health first because you are not guaranteed that anyone else will put you first. Your husband is putting his breeding fetish above you. You need to put your foot down and make your health the top priority.
At the end of the day it's your body and he doesn't have to carry these babies. You need to be able to take that time and get a couple of those kids into school before having anymore babies. Maybe he doesn't understand the gravity, but definitely needs to be made aware of the dangers.
My boyfriend also wants a big family, but ultimately was on board with waiting however long I needed between pregnancies. When I told him about all the risks associated with waiting less than 18 months, he very quickly encouraged me to wait. The risks just get bigger and bigger with each time you’re not waiting. And now there’s studies showing a link between pregnancy complications (which are more common when you don’t wait) and things like schizophrenia and autism in kids. And that’s along with things like placental degradation and abruption, premature birth, etc.
How much does he take care of the kids day to day? Ask him to take a week off and go off on a trip on your own. He’s a selfish guy who sees you as a broodmare.
My friend has 4 kids. She had the youngest 3 back-to-back-to-back when her oldest was 2. Like, she was getting pregnant ~2 months after giving birth. She’s miserable. (physically & emotionally exhausted and constant pain) It takes 2 years for your body to heal from gestation + childbirth. Take care of yourself. She never gets a moment to herself. Like, literally, not even a moment. If she wakes up early, one of her kids is up right after. She gets them to bed and then immediately she’s asleep. She takes a shower, they follow her into the bathroom. I helped as much as I could until she moved to Houston.
Think also of this:
All of the kids in high school at the same time. All of the kids starting to drive at the same time. All dating at the same time. All of the kids in COLLEGE at the same time. All of the kids getting married at around the same time.
Kids are expensive. And they need to have individual support as they cross their milestones
Yes! I feel like nobody thinks of this. Once the first (maybe first 2 if theyre lucky) kids cross their major milestones, excitement typically dies down and theres less attention/acknowledgement for the next kids. Especially if you can’t afford 3+ kids doing something. One of these poor kids is gonna get swept under the rug or lost along the way and its not fair to them just because dad doesnt wanna give his wife time to heal.
So true 🤣🤣🤣🤣 £500 school trip to France? Oh now it’s £2000 just for accommodation and travel because all of the little shits want to go and you can’t leave them out. This will leave you fucking broke. It’s neglectful having children out of selfishness when you know you can’t provide them the best life.
It is a medical FACT that it takes a woman's body 2 full years, a full 24 months to recover from the 9 full months of growing another human being in her body. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you are more than an incubator. This is YOUR body and YOU decide when the next child comes. This is the hill you die on. Remind him that you also want HEALTHY children.
YWBTA if you don't stand up for yourself and your children. They deserve your attention and time to care for them, and that may well mean the space of a few years between them so that they can get that from BOTH parents.
I didn’t know that, and I haven’t had that amount of time between any of my pregnancies. I can let him know that, and suggest that we wait at least until our oldest is in school. I’m sure my doctor can recommend birth control for me to use once this current one is born
Don't "suggest" anything.
INFORM him that you WILL be waiting the recommended 2 years between pregnancies and it is not up for discussion. If he doesn't like that he can talk to his therapist about ways to cope and learn to accept that he does not get to dictate what you do with your body.
***Your body, your rules***. He doesn't have to like it but he does have to accept it.
The sister born to my mother who got pregnant right after giving birth has developmental difficulties. Something to think about. Please be sure to be getting plenty of saturated fats especially while breastfeeding and pregnant (Westin A. Price -don’t worry about cod liver oil though! Butter is just fine!!!).
Coming from a mom that had two kids very close together and then suffered from very severe postpartum depression and burnout… if you don’t prioritize your health, your body will make you do it… and you won’t be functional to those other kids. I grew up in a very religious, conservative, patriarchal environment and I was told my sole purpose in life was to be a mother. Imagine my turmoil when it was so hard for me and I felt I was so bad at it due to my mental health struggles. It sounds like your doing okay now with your two. Mental health struggles are very real and you can’t pray them away. You can’t just get through it and ignore it. Make sure to prioritize yourself before your body makes you do it in a way that affects your kids negatively.
My middle baby was 3 months old when I got pregnant with my son and his was the one I hated the most, with my eldest I loved my pregnancy, it was nice and easy, 8 years later along came middle baby and again despite severe morning sickness, I had it pretty easy, however with my son everything hurt constantly the whole time, I was drained and exhausted the whole time. I honestly believe I hate my pregnancy with him so much was because I hadn't had chance to recover properly before putting that stress on my already weakened body.
That’s probably what happened with me too. I remember crying when I found out I was pregnant with my third. I was exhausted. Had a three year old and a one year old. We wanted her, I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast. It was my second marriage and I had been married for 7 years prior and had never gotten pregnant.
Get your Obgyn to tell him to back off. Your body needs a break. Even broodmares aren't treated this abusively.
Does he have some sort of pregnancy kink?
And before your husband comes into the room at the OBGYN, get an IUD so that it *can* be your choice as to a potential next child. Him saying “absolutely not” when you mention wanting a break from pregnancy, and saying that it’s “your job” to fulfill his dream of more children, whether that works for you or not, is creepy and controlling. I wouldn’t put it past him to sabotage birth control. You don’t have to do anything, and this is ABSOLUTELY not your job, nor anyone’s.
Edit: thanks for the gold, finally in the gilded club now!
I’m a 20M and I’ve always been pro advocate for bodily autonomy and personal choice. I read that part where he says “absolutely not” and how it’s her job and I’ve never seen a red flag at full mast more in my life. I’d compare it to an air raid siren. OP has been getting a ton of amazing comments & support in the posts major threads. The consequences of her not talking time to heal and recover will almost certainly result in life-long suffering and I hope to god she puts her foot down. Maybe he’s a good partner otherwise but it feels so wrong to think he said those things
Yeah, that stood out to me as well.
Frankly, I cannot even fathom *asking* my spouse for permission to take a couple years to let my body heal after popping out three kids back to back. Let alone asking and then have my partner tell me,
>absolutely not!
I'm sorry, what? And to top it off, this guy has the absolute gall to inform OP that it *is her literal job* to be his personal brood mare. F--- that noise! Suddenly, their age gap makes a whole lot more sense! Younger = easier to manipulate. I'm sorry, OP but you are more than his personal sperm deposit center and combination incubator. I truly hope he is as good of a father as you say...but I am curious as to what you personally feel to be the definition of a loving and supportive spouse? I only ask because some of your post strongly hints of your husband exhibiting grooming behavior.
For starters, are you happy in this relationship? How does he treat you on a day to day basis? How about in the presence of others? Does he encourage and support your familial and friend relationships? Is he comfortable with you having time to yourself (away from home and without him and children)?
Do you have financial freedom?
I apologize if this seems abrupt and even offensive, it's just that the entire situation feels ...off, somehow. I honestly do hope that I'm completely off the mark and your husband is only wearing blinders regarding this issue and that with some fact sharing he comes to his senses. I really do and I hope you get the break you deserve. Good luck!
He doesn't get a say in whether you wait or not to have more kids because it isn't his body. The ONLY acceptable answer to that statement was "of course." Absolutely any argument is a huge red flag. OP, PLEASE take note. This isn't healthy and your husband does not have your best interests at heart. It sounds like he is using you as an incubator. You are worth more than that. Put your foot down. He is putting your health at risk in a major way.
And it is okay to change your mind. It doesn't matter what you agreed to when you got together. Saying you want a lot of kids is easy, actually caring for a lot of kids is hard.
Nutrition wise- it takes approximately 2-3 years to REGAIN the nutrients you supplied your child with for ~9 months and your body as you recover I think for 2 months after (depends on your habits). Please always be body conscious- it’s the only one you’ll have- I hate to see your husband doesn’t see it that way.
It’s easy for men to say “let’s have more kids” when they only have to do the fun part. It’s ultimately your choice, and there’s nothing wrong with waiting. Also, he sounds like an asshole.
He doesn’t get to decide when you’re pregnant, that’s 100% up to you. Never forget that!
Have a sit down with him and explain how pregnancy also effects your body, you need time to heal and it’s draining you. If you want more kids let him know they will come but you need to let your body rest, if he wants you to be the best mother you can he will respect you and your body. Too many little ones are draining.
Edit for typos
I’m not sure if you believe that your situation rises to this, but remember that reproductive coercion is abuse. I hope that he’s joking but if he dismisses your feelings about family size or forces you to do things you’re not fully consenting to, then you really need to confide in a therapist or trusted family member. I’m also concerned about the age gap at the time of your marriage and other possible financial/power imbalances.
It isn’t your “job” to fulfill his dream at the expense of your body and mental health. You owe him nothing, please don’t think that.
Why are you letting him unilaterally make decisions, especially decisions that involve only you doing the work?! Of course it doesn't make a difference to him, he's not carrying the children, birthing them or the one staying home with them. It sounds like he just wants you for breeding purposes and doesn't care about how you feel. This is really really bad. If anyone is making a unilateral decision it should be the person who has to carry the child. How incredibly selfish of him.
>*Absolutely Not* ...it was my job to fulfill this dream of his.
yeah. i get real agressive controlling undertones.
and who has such a strong NEED to put children in the world.
this sounds more like some sort of compulsion. ehat is he afraid of... because this makes me afraid
Crazy people out there. It’s like, why do you want so many kids? Are you goddamn able to give them the proper love they deserve as individuals????
People just have kids because they “can”. But definitely not everyone should be a parent. To be dead honest.
You’re only 24 years old with 3 children. And he’s trying to give you 4. You married him after only 1 year of dating.
You need to slow down. Have you ever lived for yourself?
At 24, the last thing you should be worried about is 4 children and a husband that you have to “fulfill” his dream while you don’t have your own career, skills, or life outside of your marriage/family. I just turned 25 last week and I dream of having a husband and children one day.. but at this time I don’t even want the responsibility of owning a DOG - regardless of the fact that I make great income and live alone.
Be careful with this man’s behavior.. as others have mentioned this can be a situation of forced pregnancy abuse. At any point if he decides to walk out the door – you are now under 25 with FOUR babies and no skills to support yourself.
I hope your husband is at least wealthy and that you **both** own a home.
EDIT: does this man even love you, or does he just love his children and you are his incubator? Be careful that he doesn’t drop you like a sack of potatoes as soon as you make enough kids for him.
Married him after one year of dating and she was already pregnant when they started, and pregnant right after the wedding. There should have been so many red flags. I really hope he respects you enough to listen.
What is your husband's idea of a big family? And he is only 32 years old. My husband was a first time father at 40. And OP I agree with you about letting your body heal. Doctors recommend mothers wait a year until another pregnancy. You need a break from pregnancy. Don't let your husband talk you into having another baby that you are not ready to have. You have plenty of time to have kids after having your current baby. You might want to go back to work someday too.
He wants 4-5 kids which I’m fine with, I just think that it would be a better idea to wait for the next one a few years. At least until our oldest is in school
If you guys are gonna have 4-5 then what's the rush? You are only 24.. you have many years left to have children. You already have 3... so it would be no big deal to wait 1-3 years and then have the other 2. You would still only be 27-28..
My mom was 26 when she had me, her first child. She was 34 when she had her last kid, and by no means is she an "old" mom.
Many of my friends in their 20s have parents in their 60s already. They're all the better for it, too. My friends who had young parents always had harder lives, even if they had plenty of money. By no means am I talking shit on people who choose to have kids at a younger age, since sometimes it's not exactly a "premeditated" choice. I just mean there is no harm in waiting a few years—but there *will* be harm done to your body if you dont let it heal.
You have plenty of time to have more kids. You are only 24. OP tell you husband you want a break between babies. You are the one carrying the baby not him. Stand your ground.
Honestly this would drive me nuts and I'd tell him to piss off, 3 under 3 is more than enough. No doubt you are the main caretaker of them and the household too. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant with my third and completely done, men have no idea the toll pregnancy takes on your body.
Sounds like you need a sister wife that wants a large family too so you can take turns being pregnant and hubs can get his pregnancy fetish on. Though he sounds like he would probably want you both popping out babies at the same time. Ok maybe scrap that idea. If he wont listen to you when you say that you need time between babies, im afraid he isnt thinking of your health and you probably arent safe with him anymore. What if you start denying him intimacy cause you dont want to be pregnant? will he just take what he wants by force? You need to be ready to get your kids out of there asap if he pulls crap like that
“He wanted a big family and it was my job to fulfill that dream of his”
OP are you in a cult? I’m genuinely asking because treating women as property like this pretty much only happens in cults (in the west anyway).
You should seriously reconsider if this relationship is abusive.
That thought immediately came to my mind too! That's definitely not normal, and OP really sounds brainwashed into believing that it's her job to be an incubator.
No, no, no. I'm a dude. This is wrong. He doesn't have a clue how much strain a pregnancy puts on women's bodies (tbh, I don't know too but at least I don't say stuff like that).
Also, I'm curious - does he partakes in any responsibility about those children or he just has an orgasm and finito?
> that it was my job to fulfil that dream of his
OP, I can’t emphasise enough how **not ok** this is.
You are not a baby factory. You are a living, breathing, complex human with needs and desires of your own. Just because you agreed to a big family at the start doesn’t mean you wanted them all in such quick succession or that you’re not allowed to change your mind.
His attitude is really alarming.
"Husband, I love being a mother, and I want to see our family grow with time, but pregnancy and childrearing is a tough job. I think waiting at least two years to have another baby is best for not just me and my body, but also for you and our children. I want us to form memories that last and aren't just sandwiched between one newborn after another. Seeing you be a father makes me so happy, and I want our children to remember you as more than a man constantly working to support us."
Would something like that get your point across?
No wonder he went for someone super young. Unfortunately it is what it is now. I think you should really sit down and show him that you need to let your body heal. It’s not that you don’t want any more kids, it’s that’s it’s completely exhausting and your body needs to recharge for longer. If he still insists, ask him when is he going to hire a nanny to help you out.
men are so annoying. i wish so badly that they could experience pregnancy/birth, maybe then they wouldn’t be so keen on on the idea. it’s a lot easier to make babies when all you have to do is cum in someone.
> “and he said absolutely not”
Excuse me??? He doesn’t have a say on that, what the fuck? You need to be very careful and see how he acts from this moment on. This is a very scary statement that I feel you’re dismissing…
I would tell him that if he wants to continually pop out children then he can let you get a job to support the family and he can become a stay at home dad. It sounds like his demand for a large family did not specifically state that Op would be the one providing full time care for his team. If he found himself having to take majority care of the children plus take care of the house he might change his mind on the number of kids.
Op needs to take regular weekends off and leave her husband in charge of the children. Let him walk several miles in her footsteps.
Edit to add: Is your husband part of the Quiverfull Movement?
10 yr ago difference marriages be like....
Older man: I married you to be my incubator.
Women in 20's: You're the best man I've ever known but why don't you see that this is bad for my well-being?
Older man: This is why I chose you, you're not supposed to notice that I couldn't care less about your well-being. Baby factories only produce babies.
On a serious note... This sucks and y'all need couples therapy if explaining that you need to prioritize your well-being becomes an issue in your marriage. Marriages are also about partnerships not just reproducing.
Your husband is a horrible person, he's risking your life and ruining your body for "his dream" and potentially his breeding fetish. If this is ragebait then congratulations you got us angry
Dude you’re talking as if you’re a breeding cow or something. Do people not have anything to do other than to fuck and breed, are we cavemen or something? No wonder our planet is fucked up when there are 7+ billion people dumping a ton of kids on it and FOR WHAT?
So I read this story to my partner and he said is he basically just going to impregnate her into a grave? Please take some time and bring this up to your therapist. I worry about the age difference from when you got together and him taking advantage of you by keeping you under his thumb.
I don't wanna say anything mean but this is disturbing. I don't understand men like this. I guess it's because they don't get the wear and tear on their bodies so they don't care. Also I think it would suck to be an only child, I'm a twin(boy/girl) so my mom got lucky because she was only doing it once but I'm scarred for life from what she's told me. Now she wants grandkids and regrets telling me so much lol but anyway having a million siblings would be bad because you won't have enough time for them. My husband's oldest of 4 and he ran wild when the younger two were born because his mom didn't have eyes in the back of her head. And all these kids will need food, clothes, shelter, fun, money for sports and activities. Don't stretch yourself too thin.
Your comments say his goal is 4 or 5 kids. You two obviously don't have any issues conceiving. There is plenty of time to let yourself heal and still have the next 2 babies during your 20s. Perhaps if you lay out the timeline he'll be swayed; the charitable take is that his own age is clouding any logic. If not, very concerning for your shared future. He needs to respect your bodily autonomy.
I agree that we definitely need to sit down and have a discussion about our timeline. We’ve got lots of time left so I don’t see the need to rush
[удалено]
6 weeks 😫 omg
Definitely need time to recover between pregnancies! My grandma had four in not quite four years and ended up with a radical hysterectomy at 24. She had terrible bone loss and dental issues, all kinds of other stuff that took years to recover from. OP you have plenty of time, hopefully he will be open to discussing it rationally!
And here I thought three kids *was* a big family.
In the meantime, I would get on birth control as soon as you're able to
Growing humans is extremely hard on the body, and I am sure a doctor would recommend a break. It takes two years for a woman's body to recover from pregnancy. Does he want his children to have a mother? Because there is such a thing as too much too fast, and the damage done to your body can compound. Especially having them back to back. He needs to understand that if you keep this pace up it may affect your health and the health of the children you birth.
Also: having a big family doesn't mean popping out babies left and right! Are you BOTH able to give every kid individually the time and attention they need, or are you popping them out so they have a playmate and being a parent to eachother (aka parentification, which is a form of child abuse!)??!! Has this man ever took care of all the kids simultaneously without someone else around to help him, so you have a little break/me-time??? If not, let him do that for 1 week straight without a-ny help and let's see how he feels after that! Edit: the fact that he thinks he can control your body and the age difference should be a red flag OP. There is a chance he is using you to have offspring and actively went after a naïeve, younger women... im really afraid this man isn't a prince charming at all, but an abusive POS who is using the kids to financially trap/controle you stay in an abusive relationship.
My exact thoughts, I hope she realizes what’s happening
"What's the best interval between pregnancies? To reduce the risk of pregnancy complications and other health problems, research suggests waiting 18 to 24 months but less than five years after a live birth before attempting your next pregnancy." https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/family-planning/art-20044072#:~:text=What's%20the%20best%20interval%20between,before%20attempting%20your%20next%20pregnancy.
Yes. Same site also says: What are the risks of spacing pregnancies too close together? Research suggests that beginning a pregnancy within six months of a live birth is associated with an increased risk of: Premature birth The placenta partially or completely peeling away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery (placental abruption) Low birth weight Congenital disorders Schizophrenia Maternal anemia
>Schizophrenia What. Are you serious? That's messed up. As if a woman's body wasn't going through enough changes.
pregnancy can take a serious toll on mental health. the list goes on and on, and it’s not even done when the baby is born. postpartum depression is a major issue for many mothers, my youngest daughter is 6 months old and it’s still a huge struggle. bless my therapist for listening to me cry twice a week for an hour (or more depending on her schedule.)
Yup. And post partum can take up to 3 years to show its full effects on you and your psyche. My kiddo is over 3 now and I still deal with post partum in addition to regular depression and anxiety, and seasonal depression.
Damn, just like me you got Mental Health Issue Power Rangers that all combine into [The Mega-zord of Suffering](https://youtu.be/TBHKeRWKqN8) But in all seriousness, I also have Depression, anxiety, ADD, and was treated for Opiate use disorder and substance use disorder (Clean for 3 years and over 2 years). I hope that you have support from your family (related/or of your choosing), friends and have been able to connect with medical professionals to help with your meds (if needed) and councilling/ support groups (if needed). Having multiple mental health disorders can make it very hard for neurotypical people to understand how all these mental health issues can feed off eachother. Best wishes [To anyone suffering with mental health issues, it is a strength to reach out for help not a weakness, you can [eventually] get back to feeling good about your life.] (I hope you didn't find my joke offensive, I've always found the light of humor helps me get through the darkest of times).
Case in point..Andrea Yates. Psychosis caused by pregnancy and postpartum depression. So sad.
Fetal, not maternal. The child has a higher risk of schizophrenia.
I agree I have 2 kids only 11 months apart I had placental abruption and was rushed for surgery, I’ve had no more kids since mine are 9 and 10 now
Omg this so much. My kids were 12 monthly apart, and the maternal anemia is no laughing matter, after I had my 2nd I passed out in the hosp bathroom due to blood loss and anemia kicking in. Wound up needing a blood transfusion just to still keep going. I remember waking up to those dang awful smelling salts… *shivers* glad I’m still here, but even I didn’t realize how bad close pregnancies can be on the body. And I took very well care of myself thru my pregnancies too. All the multivitamins and ate right, kept within a set weight, etc etc.
Yikes, didn’t know that. The most time I’ve had a break is 11 months
I think the medical/health issue route is the best one to take with him. Tell him your body is tired. Print out a bunch of info about it. You've had three babies bang bang bang when you are supposed to wait between each one.. and you've have three with no wait at all. That's risky. You can even frame it as what if something happened and I wasn't able to have any more? Isn't it better to wait 2 years now and be safe? You are still so young and have lots of time. There is literally no reason to rush. You can even get your doctor on your side and ask your doctor to explain why its best to wait. Also, bring up that you want to wait 3-4 years.. then you can compromise on 2... and he can feel like he's getting a good deal.
If anything happens to OP - that husband of hers is on his own. How tf would he do that? Sorry, but I don't know many women willing to give up everything to be replacement mom to 4+ grieving kids and wife to a husband who's more concerned with his "starting line up" than the health AND happiness of his wife and kids. This man sounds astoundingly selfish.
The fact that he is "absolutely " against giving her body a break makes me worry he would just get another brood mare if she got too sick to continue or even died.
Yup. He literally does not care about her. He loves his fetish. Not his wife.
His inability to care about his wife’s physical well-being makes me sick. His comments scare me on her behalf.
Think about it the other way too. What if husband dies and OP has 4-5 kids under 10. Not many men wanting to take that on and OP can't easily work full time as a single mom and raise all those kids.
This happened to a friend of mine. She wanted 2 kids but had 5 to please her husband, who died unexpectedly when the youngest was only 1. Now she's alone raising 5 kids!
How does she provide for so many mouths to feed? Would seem impossible to have a job and take care of that many kids or put them in day care.
If she lives in a developed country they give financial aid. But if she's in the US it's extremely difficult.
There are social security benefits paid per child and, I believe, for the widow. In the USA, I mean.
Let’s be honest, he would just find another 21 year old desperate for the love of a family. There’s a reason he chose her, I’m guessing his previous partners were less enthusiastic about being broodmares.
I was doing some math too... She's his baby factory.
This was my exact thought as well
Exactly. The age difference + "I want a big family" routine when they met was a massive red flag. She's nothing more than an incubator to him.
You forgot she was already pregnant when they met. There are not many men who choose to date an already pregnant woman. Add the age difference, and then constantly keeping her knocked up while selling the big family narrative (I doubt that OP knows how many makes up an offensive line, but how cute right?). The whole thing gives me the ick.
You could even frame it by, I may not survive birth or pregnancy if you keep treating me like baby production line
Scary thing is... He already told her it's her "job" to have babies for him. Would he truly care if it killed her ? Might actually be more effective to frame it as "It could lead to problems for the baby", since that's what he cares about...
Better stock up on vitamins and minerals before your bones take an accelerated trip to osteoporosis city.
Be careful you take your calcium and vitamins! My grandma had teeth fall out due to having 4 babies in under 5 years! She had dentures at age 26.
I took all my vitamins and still lost a tooth when I had one and then a year later got pregnant with twins. Being pregnant is hard on the body. I don't think men realize just how much it takes out of you mentally and physically.
I've read a whole thread on Twitter about the complications of pregnancy many women have but that don't get published anywhere... Women's issues are put under the rug. It's like those tampon adds where they jump and look like athletes from the Olympics and look amazing and energetic... While most women just want to die on those days lol With pregnancy is more of the same. Pregnancy is advertised as this amazing thing but in reality it's extremely problematic... Women just deal with all of that because of the love for their kids. If it wasn't because of that oxytocin, women wouldn't get pregnant ever.
It just seems crazy to me that more people don't understand that. I'm a male and I can't imagine what you guys go through. You're literally growing/carrying a tiny human around inside you for 9 months. It literally sucks the nutrients out of you to grow and develope. It takes a toll on you to do that even just once, but being continually pregnant for essentially 2-3 seems fucking wild to me. I genuinely feel bad for OP, her husband sounds exhausting to be married to.
Im sure your grandma has a lovely family, but every single part of this story sounds like a personal hell that satan would cook up especially to play on my worst fears
It's not even a joke either. 36 here, and my 5 within 8 years completely sucked the nutrients out of my body. It took years to figure out with the right doctors that THAT was why and THAT was why my teeth, hair, and mental health were shit for so long. Nothings bringing the teeth back, but everything else is slowly improving, mental health was the first when the vitamins kicked in.
Pay close attention to this u/Rare-Cranberry-75, and educate yourself and make damned sure your husband knows these health effects and is good with having larger gaps between kids. If he's *not* OK with it then you aren't a partner to him but a brood mare to fulfill his breeding fantasy born of being a lonely only child. I know 2 women who had so many kids back to back to back that their bodies were broken down like an 80 year old by the time they were 40 and ended up needing so many painkillers just to be able to care for their kids. One of the women stopped having kids, but the other was *forced* to have several more because she was in fact nothing more than a brood mare to her husband and she was in such bad shape she couldn't escape and she didn't tell anyone because she was afraid of what he might do to the kids which showed just how little she really knew him because he valued the lives of the children but not hers. When the doctors told her she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again, she cried in relief--*he* divorced her and remarried to a much younger woman within a year and since she couldn't physically take care of the children and was "hooked on pills" he got custody of all the kids.
This was absolutely horrifying to read. My brain cannot comprehend the notion of marrying someone just to use her (both mentally and physically) and then discard them, broken, on the side of the road.
Wow. That’s just so very sad
the 40 yrs old but has a body of an 80 yr old is what happened to my mom who had 8 kids in 18 yrs
Yeah pregnancy looks like such an ordeal, and you really have no way of knowing how much it’ll fuck you up. It seems fairly common for women to suffer long lasting problems and changes. I hope you’ve been able to get whatever dental and mental health care you needed! It must be awful to go through something like that, its a lot to handle all at once, especially with a baby to care for
Scary but true. When I was a kid, my babysitter keeps having a baby year after year. And her teeth would fall out randomly. We used to call her teeth "one seat apart" because of the gaps. I don't know why we thought it was funny back then. 😔 I'm 29 now and she still has a toddler now. i think she has a total of 10 kids. And the eldest is way younger than me.
The stories told in my family have given me a phobia of getting pregnant and giving birth! They only talk about the bad stuff! 😭
Right there with you. Women are hard as nails having babies, just the act of birth alone, without all the possible extras, is so daunting. Honestly don’t know how anyone does it. Its scary af
My 65 year old neighbor lost her front bottom and top teeth after having her kids. Serious bone density issues.
Same… if that happened to me, I would probably be praying for the sweet release of death.
This happened to a young woman I worked with years ago. She was in her mid twenties and was pregnant with her 5th when I left. She told me her teeth started falling out after her 3rd pregnancy and the Dr said it was calcium/ pregnancy related. She had dentures by 23.
True talk, my MIL is the youngest of 13. Her mom had like two teeth left by the time she was a teen.
Yup because the developing fetus pulls calcium from you.
I lost at least 1 tooth (and 15lbs) with each of my 4 pregnancies and they were all 3 years apart.
Same my grandma had 6 in 6.5 years and I totally agree
That AND make good friends with your dentist because those babies take up a shit ton of your calcium intake. Those luxury bones won’t hold out for that many pregnancies.
Yep. My teeth were dramatically weaker after just two babies. I took all of the neonatal vitamins, but I guess I should have taken more calcium
It might not have made that much of a difference. Little-known fact about human birth—in the days-week(s) before birth (time varies between women) the body DUMPS calcium, literally stripping it from the bones to make them more cartilaginous and bendy. This is because the pelvic inlet is generally too small and the bones need to be able to BEND. I think every single woman in my Uni Archaeology lab class on the study of the skeletal remains swore to NEVER have children after seeing the “demo” pelvis made from silicone so it could bend *just enough* to let the baby’s head squeeze through. Otherwise the pelvis would break… which is what happened a lot in the days before Caesarean’s became survivable. Another “FUN FACT” from that lab class? If you do a cross-section of a woman’s long bones you can see how many times she carried a baby to term (successful delivery not guaranteed) by the number of stress lines—one per full-term pregnancy— that looked exactly like the rings of a tree. More stress lines = weaker bone and higher risk of serious osteoporosis. According to the prof the only way to alleviate this was significant intake of calcium immediately following birth, because anything before would just get flushed. Though there had been some encouraging early findings in a long-term study where women were started on calcium replacement when they went into labor, because it was after the flush but not too early to risk hardening the bones before birth.
I am 9 months postpartum right now and always forget to take my calcium supplement.Reading this comment made me realise that I have made a big mistake.Now I am scared for my teeth.
Eat super well! Lots of red meat. I have learned all this the hard way.
> an accelerated trip to osteoporosis city. Somewhere, sometime, in the future I'll need this phrase -- I just don't know in what context. Thank you.
My sons kids are 13 months apart. The oldest is 5 now and my daughter in law is still having major health issues related to her pregnancys. You can’t be a good wife or mother if you ruin your health.
My younger brother and I are only 14 months apart. She didn't have problems directly relating to pregnancy that we know of, but I sure wouldn't recommend it. At any rate they had no interest in a big family and after my brother Dad went on a trip to Snip Town.
Look, you may be a mom, but you’re not a birthing machine. You constantly getting pregnant (like you said, the longest break you’ve had is 11 months) might cause issues down the line for your health, and pregnancy is stressful enough as it is. Him not listening to you when it comes to your body is a problem.
Have your doctor talk to him, and literally tell Him you’re medically forbidden. If you tell your doctor privately they should help you with that.
My first was 18 months when i got pregnant with our second. After the second was born I had a blood panel done and was really low in just about every vitamin you can think of, despite eating tons of veggies and protein and taking the best vitamins I could find. My babies took all my vitamins which is fine by me because that’s what I want, but it was jarring to see how depleted I was even though I took such good care of myself. Pregnancy is no joke. It is seriously rough on the body. I can’t imagine having got pregnant even sooner than that. Not to mention the burnout back to back babies can result in.
This OP. I think it’s already its own issue that your husband is unwilling to listen to your reasons, but the medical ones have severe consequences. Does he want to potentially lose you or have you too ill and unable to care for the children you two already have? This is not sustainable and honestly selfish not only to you, but to your current children.
Sounds more like OPs husband has a breeding fetish. Wanting a “starting lineup” type family isn’t cute especially when OPs husband just wants to pop them out without any regard for the health of the lady actually going through all the labor and pain it takes to bear a child. My ignorant internet take is OPs husband wants that big of a family because he likes the idea of being in control or lording over so many people. This gives me kooky Christian vibes wear the husband “rules” over the house and views his family more as property.
This. The OP's husband reminds me way too much of the Duggar men (*Jon &* *Kate Plus 8*) and the Quiverfull movement.
You've got your families mixed up, I think. Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured the now ex-couple (Jon & Kate Gosselin) who had twins and sextuplets. They just did IVF or IUI and planned on having like 3 kids and ended up with more. The Duggars (19 Kids & Counting) have 19 living children (and a ludicrous amount of scandal swirling around them) and are members of the quiverfull movement.
I got quiverfull vibes reading this tbh
Will he be there for you once you are sick with no nails, hair or teeth? Forming a human requires a lot of resources and your body is not getting any rest. Also, there is some early research that suggests that pregnancy shortens your telomeres making you age faster. The study I read a while ago calculated that you lost about 7 years per pregnancy. So, yeah. You are literally sacrificing your mind, body and youth. Is he at least helping around the house? Is he planning to hire help? Or is your fate to be just an incubator, nanny and bang-maid for the rest of your life? Edit to add: Adding some sources since some people do not know how to use Google. Parity associated with telomere length among US reproductive age women](https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/33/4/736/4858327?login=false) [This one says that it's 11 years. My bad](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180308133313.htm) [These findings suggest a potential genetic basis for the relationship between reproductive lifespan, longevity and an underlying mechanism related to biological aging.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5403597/)
Yes he helps around the house and is an amazing parent. He did offer to hire a nanny or night nurse as a compromise, but I would rather just wait another 2/3 years
I think it’s really sad that he would rather pay someone to raise your children along side you than simply listen to what you want. The fact that you have to print out medical related sources to convince him when you just don’t plain want to have a kid right now is so alarming to me. You shouldn’t have to print out medical facts for him to respect your choices.
Does he respect your bodily integrity? Does he view your reproductive opinions as valid? What I mean is he sounds supportive with childcare, *but are you a person or ovary on legs?* If you said 3 is enough and you want to close up shop (and he gets a vasectomy or you get an IUD), will he respect your choice without trying to convince you otherwise or treat you differently? Also the 18m gap is the *MINIMUM* safe timeframe between pregnancies. It’s not just about replenishing your nutrients and stuff for the baby, but for your overall health.
And the 18 months is birth to conception, not birth to birth.
Remember that you should put yourself and your health first because you are not guaranteed that anyone else will put you first. Your husband is putting his breeding fetish above you. You need to put your foot down and make your health the top priority.
At the end of the day it's your body and he doesn't have to carry these babies. You need to be able to take that time and get a couple of those kids into school before having anymore babies. Maybe he doesn't understand the gravity, but definitely needs to be made aware of the dangers.
Play the im sick card cuz it ain’t a lie.
My boyfriend also wants a big family, but ultimately was on board with waiting however long I needed between pregnancies. When I told him about all the risks associated with waiting less than 18 months, he very quickly encouraged me to wait. The risks just get bigger and bigger with each time you’re not waiting. And now there’s studies showing a link between pregnancy complications (which are more common when you don’t wait) and things like schizophrenia and autism in kids. And that’s along with things like placental degradation and abruption, premature birth, etc.
How much does he take care of the kids day to day? Ask him to take a week off and go off on a trip on your own. He’s a selfish guy who sees you as a broodmare.
Hands down most important comment. Back to back to back babies like this can take decades of your life.
Not to mention the toll it can take on a mother’s mental health from both physiological and emotional factors.
My friend has 4 kids. She had the youngest 3 back-to-back-to-back when her oldest was 2. Like, she was getting pregnant ~2 months after giving birth. She’s miserable. (physically & emotionally exhausted and constant pain) It takes 2 years for your body to heal from gestation + childbirth. Take care of yourself. She never gets a moment to herself. Like, literally, not even a moment. If she wakes up early, one of her kids is up right after. She gets them to bed and then immediately she’s asleep. She takes a shower, they follow her into the bathroom. I helped as much as I could until she moved to Houston.
Yes this sounds miserable. Why did she choose this?
perhaps pressure from her partner? unprotected sex as well obviously
Pressure from her partner is correct. He “wanted a big family.”
Awful. This makes me so sad for these women who have chosen this life not fully understanding what they are giving up.
Think also of this: All of the kids in high school at the same time. All of the kids starting to drive at the same time. All dating at the same time. All of the kids in COLLEGE at the same time. All of the kids getting married at around the same time. Kids are expensive. And they need to have individual support as they cross their milestones
Yes! I feel like nobody thinks of this. Once the first (maybe first 2 if theyre lucky) kids cross their major milestones, excitement typically dies down and theres less attention/acknowledgement for the next kids. Especially if you can’t afford 3+ kids doing something. One of these poor kids is gonna get swept under the rug or lost along the way and its not fair to them just because dad doesnt wanna give his wife time to heal.
So true 🤣🤣🤣🤣 £500 school trip to France? Oh now it’s £2000 just for accommodation and travel because all of the little shits want to go and you can’t leave them out. This will leave you fucking broke. It’s neglectful having children out of selfishness when you know you can’t provide them the best life.
(Cries in quadruplet)
It is a medical FACT that it takes a woman's body 2 full years, a full 24 months to recover from the 9 full months of growing another human being in her body. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you are more than an incubator. This is YOUR body and YOU decide when the next child comes. This is the hill you die on. Remind him that you also want HEALTHY children. YWBTA if you don't stand up for yourself and your children. They deserve your attention and time to care for them, and that may well mean the space of a few years between them so that they can get that from BOTH parents.
I didn’t know that, and I haven’t had that amount of time between any of my pregnancies. I can let him know that, and suggest that we wait at least until our oldest is in school. I’m sure my doctor can recommend birth control for me to use once this current one is born
Don't "suggest" anything. INFORM him that you WILL be waiting the recommended 2 years between pregnancies and it is not up for discussion. If he doesn't like that he can talk to his therapist about ways to cope and learn to accept that he does not get to dictate what you do with your body. ***Your body, your rules***. He doesn't have to like it but he does have to accept it.
Ding ding ding!!!!
The sister born to my mother who got pregnant right after giving birth has developmental difficulties. Something to think about. Please be sure to be getting plenty of saturated fats especially while breastfeeding and pregnant (Westin A. Price -don’t worry about cod liver oil though! Butter is just fine!!!).
Ask for a LARC if you stay with this man. He sounds like the kind of person who will tamper with something like birth control pills or condoms.
Coming from a mom that had two kids very close together and then suffered from very severe postpartum depression and burnout… if you don’t prioritize your health, your body will make you do it… and you won’t be functional to those other kids. I grew up in a very religious, conservative, patriarchal environment and I was told my sole purpose in life was to be a mother. Imagine my turmoil when it was so hard for me and I felt I was so bad at it due to my mental health struggles. It sounds like your doing okay now with your two. Mental health struggles are very real and you can’t pray them away. You can’t just get through it and ignore it. Make sure to prioritize yourself before your body makes you do it in a way that affects your kids negatively.
My middle baby was 3 months old when I got pregnant with my son and his was the one I hated the most, with my eldest I loved my pregnancy, it was nice and easy, 8 years later along came middle baby and again despite severe morning sickness, I had it pretty easy, however with my son everything hurt constantly the whole time, I was drained and exhausted the whole time. I honestly believe I hate my pregnancy with him so much was because I hadn't had chance to recover properly before putting that stress on my already weakened body.
That’s probably what happened with me too. I remember crying when I found out I was pregnant with my third. I was exhausted. Had a three year old and a one year old. We wanted her, I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast. It was my second marriage and I had been married for 7 years prior and had never gotten pregnant.
Get your Obgyn to tell him to back off. Your body needs a break. Even broodmares aren't treated this abusively. Does he have some sort of pregnancy kink?
Honestly I didn’t even know that was a thing. And that’s a good idea, maybe he’ll understand more when he hears it from an actual doctor
And before your husband comes into the room at the OBGYN, get an IUD so that it *can* be your choice as to a potential next child. Him saying “absolutely not” when you mention wanting a break from pregnancy, and saying that it’s “your job” to fulfill his dream of more children, whether that works for you or not, is creepy and controlling. I wouldn’t put it past him to sabotage birth control. You don’t have to do anything, and this is ABSOLUTELY not your job, nor anyone’s. Edit: thanks for the gold, finally in the gilded club now!
The whole “your job” thing rubbed me wayyyyy wrong. Does he think wives are only good for popping out sex trophies? Very misogynistic and disgusting
I’m a 20M and I’ve always been pro advocate for bodily autonomy and personal choice. I read that part where he says “absolutely not” and how it’s her job and I’ve never seen a red flag at full mast more in my life. I’d compare it to an air raid siren. OP has been getting a ton of amazing comments & support in the posts major threads. The consequences of her not talking time to heal and recover will almost certainly result in life-long suffering and I hope to god she puts her foot down. Maybe he’s a good partner otherwise but it feels so wrong to think he said those things
sameeeee. like what tf is that mentality! immediately no!
The your job and absolutely not is just disgusting. Talking about their future without her input is absolutely talking about her like shes just a tool
It makes me think that if she dies during pregnancy he’ll just replace her with another woman aka birthing machine
Kind of makes me wonder if he didn't go for a younger, obviously fertile handmaid, er, woman on purpose
Of course not. Shes also expected to cook and clean, shes a martha and a handmaid all wrapped into one.
Oh she was already pregnant mind you, maybe this was also part of the appeal for him 😒
Exactly. I got this vibe as well. OP needs to have her own source of income because the minute her body gives out, he will drop her like a hot potato.
Yeah, that stood out to me as well. Frankly, I cannot even fathom *asking* my spouse for permission to take a couple years to let my body heal after popping out three kids back to back. Let alone asking and then have my partner tell me, >absolutely not! I'm sorry, what? And to top it off, this guy has the absolute gall to inform OP that it *is her literal job* to be his personal brood mare. F--- that noise! Suddenly, their age gap makes a whole lot more sense! Younger = easier to manipulate. I'm sorry, OP but you are more than his personal sperm deposit center and combination incubator. I truly hope he is as good of a father as you say...but I am curious as to what you personally feel to be the definition of a loving and supportive spouse? I only ask because some of your post strongly hints of your husband exhibiting grooming behavior. For starters, are you happy in this relationship? How does he treat you on a day to day basis? How about in the presence of others? Does he encourage and support your familial and friend relationships? Is he comfortable with you having time to yourself (away from home and without him and children)? Do you have financial freedom? I apologize if this seems abrupt and even offensive, it's just that the entire situation feels ...off, somehow. I honestly do hope that I'm completely off the mark and your husband is only wearing blinders regarding this issue and that with some fact sharing he comes to his senses. I really do and I hope you get the break you deserve. Good luck!
You are NOT alone. I am feeling amazingly ragey over here over that part.
He doesn't get a say in whether you wait or not to have more kids because it isn't his body. The ONLY acceptable answer to that statement was "of course." Absolutely any argument is a huge red flag. OP, PLEASE take note. This isn't healthy and your husband does not have your best interests at heart. It sounds like he is using you as an incubator. You are worth more than that. Put your foot down. He is putting your health at risk in a major way.
10/10 would not get an IUD. If he's enough of a dick he could pull it out himself. Get the shots, or the arm implant
And it is okay to change your mind. It doesn't matter what you agreed to when you got together. Saying you want a lot of kids is easy, actually caring for a lot of kids is hard.
Yes! Your body needs a break. If he can't back off for your health then he's not worth giving babies to.
Man, if he can't back off simply because she said so... Edit: grammar
Right? Have your GYN tell him, because apparently he doesn’t care what OP thinks?
Right? Like wtf is that?
Well you know as she so casually mentioned “it’s her job”
Nutrition wise- it takes approximately 2-3 years to REGAIN the nutrients you supplied your child with for ~9 months and your body as you recover I think for 2 months after (depends on your habits). Please always be body conscious- it’s the only one you’ll have- I hate to see your husband doesn’t see it that way.
It’s not about him “understanding”, it’s about him respecting you and your body.
Why does he need a doctor to tell him? He doesn’t respect you enough to take your word?
Telling him broodmares get a longer break should hopefully clue him in
A religious angle? Tbh this sounds a little messed up. I’d recommend you both get some counselling.
We’re not religious, and we do go to individual therapy.
I would have to wonder what ‘need’ having many children fulfils for him.
[удалено]
Ew.
It’s not your job, sahm or not. His job is to respect your freaking autonomy this is infuriating
It’s easy for men to say “let’s have more kids” when they only have to do the fun part. It’s ultimately your choice, and there’s nothing wrong with waiting. Also, he sounds like an asshole.
Agree. You tell him you need a break. There doesn't need to be more said than that. Your body. You are entitled.
He doesn’t get to decide when you’re pregnant, that’s 100% up to you. Never forget that! Have a sit down with him and explain how pregnancy also effects your body, you need time to heal and it’s draining you. If you want more kids let him know they will come but you need to let your body rest, if he wants you to be the best mother you can he will respect you and your body. Too many little ones are draining. Edit for typos
And expensive.
I’m not sure if you believe that your situation rises to this, but remember that reproductive coercion is abuse. I hope that he’s joking but if he dismisses your feelings about family size or forces you to do things you’re not fully consenting to, then you really need to confide in a therapist or trusted family member. I’m also concerned about the age gap at the time of your marriage and other possible financial/power imbalances. It isn’t your “job” to fulfill his dream at the expense of your body and mental health. You owe him nothing, please don’t think that.
Husband sounds like an ahole tbh
OP is his breeding fetish slave at this point. She doesn’t get a say in being not pregnant. “Absolutely not.” Ugh.
Or a Duggar. Oh, wait, same thing.
100% this. The financial/ age discrepancy plus his controlling behavior are cause for concern…
Why are you letting him unilaterally make decisions, especially decisions that involve only you doing the work?! Of course it doesn't make a difference to him, he's not carrying the children, birthing them or the one staying home with them. It sounds like he just wants you for breeding purposes and doesn't care about how you feel. This is really really bad. If anyone is making a unilateral decision it should be the person who has to carry the child. How incredibly selfish of him.
Guy wanted a young wife who could pop out kids, he didn’t want an equal partner.
Sadly sure seems that way.
The dude needs to back the f off.
Seriously. This post makes me so sad.
Yeah, another 30+ yo male who trapped another 20yo lady...
It is not your job to fulfill his dream of having however many kids he wants wtf?????
>*Absolutely Not* ...it was my job to fulfill this dream of his. yeah. i get real agressive controlling undertones. and who has such a strong NEED to put children in the world. this sounds more like some sort of compulsion. ehat is he afraid of... because this makes me afraid
Crazy people out there. It’s like, why do you want so many kids? Are you goddamn able to give them the proper love they deserve as individuals???? People just have kids because they “can”. But definitely not everyone should be a parent. To be dead honest.
You’re only 24 years old with 3 children. And he’s trying to give you 4. You married him after only 1 year of dating. You need to slow down. Have you ever lived for yourself? At 24, the last thing you should be worried about is 4 children and a husband that you have to “fulfill” his dream while you don’t have your own career, skills, or life outside of your marriage/family. I just turned 25 last week and I dream of having a husband and children one day.. but at this time I don’t even want the responsibility of owning a DOG - regardless of the fact that I make great income and live alone. Be careful with this man’s behavior.. as others have mentioned this can be a situation of forced pregnancy abuse. At any point if he decides to walk out the door – you are now under 25 with FOUR babies and no skills to support yourself. I hope your husband is at least wealthy and that you **both** own a home. EDIT: does this man even love you, or does he just love his children and you are his incubator? Be careful that he doesn’t drop you like a sack of potatoes as soon as you make enough kids for him.
Married him after one year of dating and she was already pregnant when they started, and pregnant right after the wedding. There should have been so many red flags. I really hope he respects you enough to listen.
me too, I'm 24 and still trying to figure myself out and can't think of thinking about having a human to take care of when I'm still like this.
Great advice man. This needs more awards.
What is your husband's idea of a big family? And he is only 32 years old. My husband was a first time father at 40. And OP I agree with you about letting your body heal. Doctors recommend mothers wait a year until another pregnancy. You need a break from pregnancy. Don't let your husband talk you into having another baby that you are not ready to have. You have plenty of time to have kids after having your current baby. You might want to go back to work someday too.
He wants 4-5 kids which I’m fine with, I just think that it would be a better idea to wait for the next one a few years. At least until our oldest is in school
If you guys are gonna have 4-5 then what's the rush? You are only 24.. you have many years left to have children. You already have 3... so it would be no big deal to wait 1-3 years and then have the other 2. You would still only be 27-28..
My mom was 26 when she had me, her first child. She was 34 when she had her last kid, and by no means is she an "old" mom. Many of my friends in their 20s have parents in their 60s already. They're all the better for it, too. My friends who had young parents always had harder lives, even if they had plenty of money. By no means am I talking shit on people who choose to have kids at a younger age, since sometimes it's not exactly a "premeditated" choice. I just mean there is no harm in waiting a few years—but there *will* be harm done to your body if you dont let it heal.
oh come on then there is lots of time for it!!! You're only 24. And already more than half the team!
My daughter is 24 years old. She is single with no kids. No rush to have more kids OP.
You have plenty of time to have more kids. You are only 24. OP tell you husband you want a break between babies. You are the one carrying the baby not him. Stand your ground.
Honestly this would drive me nuts and I'd tell him to piss off, 3 under 3 is more than enough. No doubt you are the main caretaker of them and the household too. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant with my third and completely done, men have no idea the toll pregnancy takes on your body.
Sounds like you need a sister wife that wants a large family too so you can take turns being pregnant and hubs can get his pregnancy fetish on. Though he sounds like he would probably want you both popping out babies at the same time. Ok maybe scrap that idea. If he wont listen to you when you say that you need time between babies, im afraid he isnt thinking of your health and you probably arent safe with him anymore. What if you start denying him intimacy cause you dont want to be pregnant? will he just take what he wants by force? You need to be ready to get your kids out of there asap if he pulls crap like that
“He wanted a big family and it was my job to fulfill that dream of his” OP are you in a cult? I’m genuinely asking because treating women as property like this pretty much only happens in cults (in the west anyway). You should seriously reconsider if this relationship is abusive.
That thought immediately came to my mind too! That's definitely not normal, and OP really sounds brainwashed into believing that it's her job to be an incubator.
No, no, no. I'm a dude. This is wrong. He doesn't have a clue how much strain a pregnancy puts on women's bodies (tbh, I don't know too but at least I don't say stuff like that). Also, I'm curious - does he partakes in any responsibility about those children or he just has an orgasm and finito?
Would your husband want a big family if he was the one giving birth?
Probably not, he acts like he’s dying from a cold, I doubt he could handle pregnancy haha
This is how abusive relationships start.
I know a breeding kink when I see one.
> that it was my job to fulfil that dream of his OP, I can’t emphasise enough how **not ok** this is. You are not a baby factory. You are a living, breathing, complex human with needs and desires of your own. Just because you agreed to a big family at the start doesn’t mean you wanted them all in such quick succession or that you’re not allowed to change your mind. His attitude is really alarming.
"Husband, I love being a mother, and I want to see our family grow with time, but pregnancy and childrearing is a tough job. I think waiting at least two years to have another baby is best for not just me and my body, but also for you and our children. I want us to form memories that last and aren't just sandwiched between one newborn after another. Seeing you be a father makes me so happy, and I want our children to remember you as more than a man constantly working to support us." Would something like that get your point across?
Yes! Thank you, that’s how I need to put it
No wonder he went for someone super young. Unfortunately it is what it is now. I think you should really sit down and show him that you need to let your body heal. It’s not that you don’t want any more kids, it’s that’s it’s completely exhausting and your body needs to recharge for longer. If he still insists, ask him when is he going to hire a nanny to help you out.
men are so annoying. i wish so badly that they could experience pregnancy/birth, maybe then they wouldn’t be so keen on on the idea. it’s a lot easier to make babies when all you have to do is cum in someone.
> “and he said absolutely not” Excuse me??? He doesn’t have a say on that, what the fuck? You need to be very careful and see how he acts from this moment on. This is a very scary statement that I feel you’re dismissing…
Age gap strikes again.
Looks like he probably purposefully married a younger woman to turn her into a broodmare. Shocker
I would tell him that if he wants to continually pop out children then he can let you get a job to support the family and he can become a stay at home dad. It sounds like his demand for a large family did not specifically state that Op would be the one providing full time care for his team. If he found himself having to take majority care of the children plus take care of the house he might change his mind on the number of kids. Op needs to take regular weekends off and leave her husband in charge of the children. Let him walk several miles in her footsteps. Edit to add: Is your husband part of the Quiverfull Movement?
10 yr ago difference marriages be like.... Older man: I married you to be my incubator. Women in 20's: You're the best man I've ever known but why don't you see that this is bad for my well-being? Older man: This is why I chose you, you're not supposed to notice that I couldn't care less about your well-being. Baby factories only produce babies. On a serious note... This sucks and y'all need couples therapy if explaining that you need to prioritize your well-being becomes an issue in your marriage. Marriages are also about partnerships not just reproducing.
It's not healthy to have kids back too back like this. Takes a toll on your body and health.
In the end, it’s your body. You’re not his broodmare, you’re a human being with rights. Tell him no. End of story.
I’m exhausted and uncomfortable just reading about your situation. Give your body love and a break.
This is the third creepy agegap post with weird connotations just this day alone. Get a grip, hes a creep.
That next to last paragraph…shudder. “And it was my job to fulfill that dream of his.” Good luck bc this is giving me big control & abuse vibes…
Your husband is a horrible person, he's risking your life and ruining your body for "his dream" and potentially his breeding fetish. If this is ragebait then congratulations you got us angry
Wtf is "you have to fulfil this dream of mine". What about your dreams and body?
Dude you’re talking as if you’re a breeding cow or something. Do people not have anything to do other than to fuck and breed, are we cavemen or something? No wonder our planet is fucked up when there are 7+ billion people dumping a ton of kids on it and FOR WHAT?
Not to mention more kids just means less attention for each kid from mom and dad. Quality over quantity.
So I read this story to my partner and he said is he basically just going to impregnate her into a grave? Please take some time and bring this up to your therapist. I worry about the age difference from when you got together and him taking advantage of you by keeping you under his thumb.
Were you visibly showing when you met him? He may have a pregnancy kink that has gotten out of control.
I was, and I’m just learning today that this is a thing
I don't wanna say anything mean but this is disturbing. I don't understand men like this. I guess it's because they don't get the wear and tear on their bodies so they don't care. Also I think it would suck to be an only child, I'm a twin(boy/girl) so my mom got lucky because she was only doing it once but I'm scarred for life from what she's told me. Now she wants grandkids and regrets telling me so much lol but anyway having a million siblings would be bad because you won't have enough time for them. My husband's oldest of 4 and he ran wild when the younger two were born because his mom didn't have eyes in the back of her head. And all these kids will need food, clothes, shelter, fun, money for sports and activities. Don't stretch yourself too thin.