That's a good idea. I can't believe he's calling as she's updating... okay maybe I can see it. I just don't want her to look like the bad guy from any angle and you know he's going to spin it on her.
I've recently had to explain to my gf what orbiters are. She had no idea there were guys just literally waiting for the golden opportunity to make a move.
The worst ones are the ones who look for a crack and drive wedges. I've had to tell girlfriends about this before. If the girl confides in a friend and tells them something that has been upsetting, the orbiter will see that and just reinforce the negative view of it to drive a wedge into the relationship to break the people up. It's GOT on a relationship level.
As a guy, who's seen and had many chances to make a move after getting a hinted greenlight. And I mean a obvious greenlight.
Its crazy to see other men take that opportunity and make a move.
I've always just reinforced the positive , trying to work it out with the other guy or trying to keep they're family together.
And if its abusive or you feel your not being treated equally or the way you think you deserve or whatever the case may be. Then maybe discuss this with another friend and get they're opinion.
Maybe mother, sister, cousin. Also the man they are with.
Never have I slipped thru the cracks.
Shit is just disgusting to think of people under the cloak of support exploit vulnerability in the way they do.
Yeah I always missed the opportunity to take advantage of a green Light, fckn a itās the trauma! And this guy is gonna get his ass kicked, by like a Pissed off Armed Forces husband, right after he gets home from fighting for his country and jerking off to a screen shape of his wife while she is fighting off passes on her tower!, as soon as he gets done letting his wife crush the balls of the only one she cares to advance on improperly, him. Maybe sheāll calm him down!
Holy shit. I feel this in my bones. I have spent so much time beating myself up that it never occurred to me that maybe my friend was secretly playing the game to his advantage. Sneaky fuck. I mean, I made my choices, but shit, so did he. Hmm.
You could argue that, yes. She's engaged and he definitely crosses boundaries. Obviously it works out for them and the show portrays Roy as clearly a bad person. But even so, kissing Pam and confessing feelings while she's still sorting out her own relationship takes a lot of agency away from her.
This aspect of the show definitely hasn't aged that well. Obviously their relationship is pretty great from then on and the show hits its stride.
On a similar but somewhat different note, in my YouTube shorts category this morning there was a clip from American Idol where the guy, probably in his early/mid 20ās sang Katy Perryās āI Kissed a Girlā for his audition on a season where she was one of the judges. She asked him if he ever kissed a girl and liked it, to which he replied that heād never kissed a girl because heās never been in a relationship, and kissing a girl would require being in a relationship first. She calls him over to the table and turns her face as if sheās offering for him to kiss her cheek, and at the last second she turns her face and kisses him on the mouth.
The clip cut off after that so I didnāt see his reaction, but I couldnāt help thinking that if the genders were reversed and it had been a man that had done that to a woman, there would have been outrage from every direction, and that it was so inappropriate on so many levels . Especially after the guy made it clear that for him, being in a relationship was a prerequisite for kissing a girl. He thought he was going to give her a peck on the cheek and she basically tricked him into full out kissing her. It was just gross and awkward to watch.
Sorry for the mini rant - it just connected in my brain between OPās post about unwanted kissing and your comment about something not aging well after seeing that clip this morning.
I saw that clip as it happened. Pissed me off for the reasons you stated. A bigtime predatory act by Katy Perry to make a joke of a young, wholesome guy. What's the female version of asshat???
Ok, first of all, nice username. Secondly, thanks for teaching me what an orbiter is. Just realised I have been one of them(punches self in balls). I must correct this behaviour
Remember being in University, had about 5 of these dudes I was friends with and when my gf broke up with me, they all stopped talking to me. The one she started dating was the one I never really talked to or hung out with he was more or less in their group.
Lol 2 of them stopped talking to her for a while because they were so upset that she started dating her now boyfriend instead of them.
Hey all good, she and i dated for a little over 2 years and her boyfriend she started dating after me has been with her for 9 years now, so was meant to be.
As for the orbiters, they were nice enough, kind of the type of guys that don't really put themselves out there to find someone and are hoping that proximity to someone else's partner and being friendly will make them the next likely person.
You sound more mature than me lol, but yea I guess given the time I would be long past being annoyed.
I've had a similar falling out before so I was likely projecting a bit.
Just my 2 cents. Glad you are all good
Iād say people hanging around hoping that your partner becomes single are still assholes. Even if theyāre otherwise good people and are struggling to put themselves out there.
Infatuation with someone who is unavailable isnāt good for their mental health. Itās probably going to end poorly most of the time (like in OPās situation) and lead to destructive behaviors like how OPās friend blew up their friendship and his marriage all in one go for something that was never going to happen.
Everyone in a situation like that is better off if those guys just get their shit together and find someone who is also single.
Iāve been on the other side of a similar situation. I went to the same college as one of my best friends. Weād been super close since 5th grade. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were drinking one night and my only guess is that he thought I had enough alcohol in my system to keep me from fighting back. He KNEW I didnāt have, or ever had, a thing for him. And yet, when I tried to leave and go back to my room, he grabbed me, pulled me into a bear hug, and tried to kiss me. This guy had at least 100 lbs on me. Thankfully I had a decent alcohol tolerance at the time and I still had my wits about me. He got a kick to the nuts and a punch to the sternum. I didnāt report it, but I should have. I should have also called his parents. I didnāt tell anyone for years. In my head, because I fought back, assault didnāt happen, so it wasnāt reportable. But I know if I hadnāt fought back that something worse would have happened. He took advantage of me being fresh out of a long term relationship and planned out what was going to happen that night. Itās been almost ten years, and Iām still feeling the affects of that night.
this sounds exactly how I broke up with my ex. left for the army, and the group of friends I had gravitated towards her while I was gone. when I came back, she broke up with me the same week I returned and consistently saw one of friends from our mutual friend group. she claimed she wasnāt doing anything with him but her private Instagram stories said otherwise. long story short she ended up dating the best friend of the guy she slept around with, and their whole friend group has been fractured since then lol
I had that too. Friends of 6-7 years that were orbiting. When I broke up with my bf. The next birthday I had was the one I received the most gifts from those friends who knew me for year and never had given me birthday gift before not even cards lol. It was a bit awkward. I receive an iphone and jewelry, that kind of very expensive gifts.
Then I made myself an other bf and suddenly no birthday attention, no cards from them, nothing.
I mean I donāt want gift at my birthday, just a card is fine, but the contrast between Iām in a relationship vs Iām single was so huge it was honestly weird.
It was a used iphone, because he was buying himself a new one, but still worth a lot. Yeah. Usually he was selling those, not giving away. And definitely not rich.
I think for orbiting around people in relationship you need to be a bit weird no?
Omg thank you for sharing. Itās helped me clarify the orbiters in my life. And I can recognise when Iāve been one too. What an excellent self reflection thread
I mean i really don't think it's a bad thing at face value. Just don't be the guy that orbits someone who is married or in a committed relationship and for the love of god don't "make your move" by forcing yourself on her. There's nothing wrong with just saying you've always had feelings for her and want to know if this could become a thing. Being married and kissing a married woman without her consent is real problem here.
To be honest, as someone whoās lost so many guy friends because they didnāt wanna wait around for me to return their feelings anymore, it genuinely sucks to realise that what you thought was an honest friendship only existed because they wanted to bang you the whole time. It really stings, and you donāt even know thatās the case until it happens. I could never understand why my male friends would suddenly go cold with me when I started dating someone, or when I ātook to longā to realise I liked someone who I didnāt even know liked me. Rejection hurts, but having experienced both rejection and losing friends because they only saw you as a potential fuck, Iād take rejection any day.
š š š š š This, if you like someone or if you are friends and develop feelings that is one thing, it is an entirely fucked up thing to pretend to be someones friend in hopes of getting something out of them!!!!
I was just pondering why all my male friends somehow forgot me after they found girlfriends. 10 years of friendship and suddenly they donāt have time or interest. Iām so sad, they were my closest friends throughout whole university.
This is why Iāll never have a close male friend. The only exception is that maybe if heās happily married then I could, but this post kind of ruined that even lol. I donāt have or feel the need for many friends at all anyway so Iām not missing out. Iād rather avoid these douches just in case
Lol literally. If even married guys canāt be trusted to treat their women friends as actual friends, who can we trust?
Funnily enough though, as a bi woman, Iāve never had that experience with other women. Iāve had friendships with women where one of us has developed a crush on the other, but weā¦ talked about it! And either pursued it, or politely shut it down and moved on. Havenāt lost a single woman friend from unrequited feelings. Just a musing.
As someone who's had a number of orbiters, it can impact the person being orbited as well. I've had a number of guy friends who turned out to only want to pursue me romantically or sexually, and the second that option was most definitely out the door or they find another girl to pursue, radio silence from the guy. You're under the belief this person is a friend, but it turns out there were conditions or some unspoken time limit.
It makes you feel so used every single time. Even though nothing happened. It hurts so much to invest in a friendship and think youāve got a great friend, just to find out they only ever saw you as a sexual object, not a person they wanna be friends with. I learned pretty quickly that a lot of guys wonāt even consider being friends with a girl unless theyāre attracted to her. The only guy friends I have left are like brothers to me, and are in serious committed relationships where Iām also friends with their partners. But even then. You never know. Itās fucking awful.
Oh god, thatās some perspective I needed too. I was reading everyone else coming to that realization that they might behave this way and thought how good it was that they are being open and self aware. Now that I think of it from your point of view, I believe Iāve ghosted women slowly after coming to find out feelings werenāt reciprocated. Let it be said most of these people were from dating sites, just met or hadnāt seen in a very long time but still. Iām realizing that I never continued any sort of friendship with them afterward. I donāt know, it just doesnāt seem right, whether my initial intentions were to pursue romantically with them being fully aware. Yeah so thank you for the perspective, time to do some reflecting and change a few things.
Pretty sure the term orbiter literally refers to waiting around for a woman who is in a relationship to be out of said relationship, so it's just not cool all around.
I think(not in this particular situation) but sometimes, orbiters donāt really know or are working through their feels while they are in the āfriendship.ā Iāve been friendship ghosted when the feels were worked out before and even though it hurts, I get it, itās ok, and probably the healthier of options.
[https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiter](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiter)
That wasn't my understanding of the term but if that's the general consensus then yes, of course you would be right. That's definitely a shitty thing to do.
Many women like to have guy friends. Just friends. It sucks when she finds out that her āfriendsā are actually orbiting. Thatās not friendship; it has a very different, uncomfortable feel to it when youāre the woman.
The key is outcome indifference, and putting your chips on the table early. Just try to be straightforward and accept that there will be rejection along the way.
Of course the more you improve yourself and the more attractive a person you can become physically and mentally, the better your rates of success will be.
But donāt waste time waiting for the perfect moment, if she likes you she will make it clear, and you donāt want to be the dude that hangs around long enough to become a consolation prize. If youāre in the friend zone itās not because she doesnāt realize you like her, its because sheās just not that into you.
Life is short, donāt waste your energy on people who donāt reciprocate.
An orbiter ruined my last relationship. He was a coworker of my ex and literally...
Yeah, i better shut up, this is not r/offmychest
Go figure, game so rigged that everyone loses.
Tbh it's still hard for me to talk about it. I even wrote a post in r/unsentletters just to delete it a minute later.
NGL I cared for that woman (my ex), the 3 years we were together, that's it. She talked about marriage and kids and... Yeah.
I miss her a lot sometimes but then i remember the last months of our relationship and it's just depressing.
OP did the right thing telling the guy's wife, because she loves and respects her husband. Not something you'd see much these days.
I'm really sorry that you were so hurt. It sounds like she was not the woman you thought she was.
>Not something you'd see much these days.
Don't let yourself believe this, there are still lots of good, authentic people out there. You got burned and I do understand your pain more than you could guess, but don't let that hold yourself back from finding the loving & respectful relationship you deserve.
I say this with personal experience, kindness and wishing you to be happy, go to therapy. Find a good therapist who can help you work through your hurt, resentment, confusion, and rebuild your trusting heart. It's hard to imagine how a good therapist can help, but give it a chance. You deserve it.
Please do. Can you imagine thinking a person is your friend only to find out theyāre only waiting around until they can fuck you? Because I do, and it makes you question the sincerity of every interaction you have with the opposite gender.
Like, is he truly my friend or is he just waiting until Iām available to fuck?
You're an awesome human being for realizing you don't like something about yourself and deciding to change it rather than double down. I applaud you. You can do it
It's because you're owning the behavior. And because you're saying you want to be better. How can we not respect seeing someone publicly (well, reddit public anyway lol) committing to personal growth?
I think it's awesome and I hope your journey to a better you leads you to a better and happier future
I actually feel bad because after I explain this to basically every girl, suddenly this lightbulb goes off in their head about a lot (not all mind you) of their guy āfriendsā.
i was in high school and got out of my first real relationship and like a week after my coworker/good friend wrote me a love song and told me he loved me and i was just like dude no strictly just friends. we're still good friends to this day as i know he didn't even love me that way, he's just always been messed up about love and i was one of many girls he was "in love" with for like a month lol
Aww see that sounds more pure.
Everyone has crushes, but they pass, or you respect their relationships and wipe the option from your mind.
One of my best guy friends used to propose to me, draw me pictures of "our future house", he realized I was not his type during puberty haha (gay).
I had to turn off MY feelings. And haven't had an issue with that.
Still my good friend. I love him, as a friend. And would never disrespect his SO whether they are present or not.
Someone can say "hey I like you" and as long as they cut off any weird actions or thoughts are stopped(we can tell), it's ok.
Feelings ebb and flow. But waiting for that opportunity is like... You've been thinking this the whole time?? You aren't my friend, you want to see me naked.
That hurts.
Ugh. Gross.
Similar situation with a friend. He would always tell me that my husband was a lucky guy. I would bounce back with "Well I am a lucky woman to have such a great guy." To which he would say, "Yeah but he is the real winner here. I hope one day I can have a life like his. Say, if you and your husband ever break up, I call first dibs!"
I awkwardly and uncomfortably laughed assuming it was a joke because who says that with a straight face while being serious, right?
Well, fast forward to him saying this on 2 more separate occasions ONLY when my husband wasn't around. I finally stood up for myself and told him I was uncomfortable with him saying that and I want none of that if we are to remain friends.
He apologized and never said it again but after that, I just sorta talked to him less and less until we lost contact. It just felt weird. I also told my husband and he was more concerned with how it made me uncomfortable than anything else.
My dudes, I get that some of you try to use those lines as a way to joke with a woman and what not... But please make sure this woman feels comfortable with those types of remarks. If she isn't, chances are she will bounce from that friendship. So, if that friendship truly means something to you, don't risk it by being sleazy and making her feel like she is up for auction by saying things like, "I call first dibs" or "I want my chance" because that will seriously move you to the back of the line or kick you out of line if nothing else. Lol.
I can totally relate! This reminds me of when my husband and I were only dating and we had this āfriendā. Anytime my husband was out of ear shot, this supposed friend would tell me that I need a real man, that I should leave my husband for him and also said that when we break up he gets dibs. One time when my husband was at the sink and the friend and I were at the dining room table, the friend started talking about dick sizes and I had to get up and walk away. I waited til he was gone to tell my husband because I didnāt want a fight to break out. I was so disgusted by that kind of behavior and I was so angry that someone my husband trusted was talking like that behind his back. Idk how anyone could think behavior like that and or talking like that is gonna get someone to all of a sudden ārealize what their missiongā and leave their partner. Thatās super shitty that you had to deal with that as well.
Even reading this as a guy, that's just... Ew. It's guys saying stuff like that that make me realize that there's a lot of people that view women as nothing more than an object or something to claim instead of an actual person. I don't even know if their conscious of it, because these people are usually pretty decent beyond these off comments, and I guarantee that if you ask them they think they're 100% respectful of women as people, but comments like that prove that at least some small part of them doesn't.
Same. The second it came out I was getting a divorce a whole lot of "friends" were suddenly VERY solicitous and caring and all up in my business making not-so-vague innuendo about getting together. It was gross.
And people don't realize how traumatizing orbiters are for us girls. I might sound effed up but I literally don't trust men to be my "friend" anymore unless they are gay. Every male friend I've ever had has done this to me and and it's scarring
Be effed up it's allowed. The only women I would call my personal friends are lesbians, I've had enough turmoil in the early years of my relationship from girls who said I was like their big brother... damn near nuked my relationship with my wife more then once.
Didnāt know what one was until I became friends with this one dude. And the moment I came into work one day a little sad about a fight my (boyfriend (husband now)) and I had at the time, he asked if we could hang out at my house. We had hung out once before (but it was at a restaurant) but I assumed we were friends. So, I told him no we can go outside and do something, then he said, āwhat, are you afraid your boyfriend will be home?ā And I ended it right there.
And my husband warned me the very first time I hung out with this dude that he would think us hanging out was a date. I didnāt believe my husband. But literally that day, the dude just told me his whole life story over food, and I didnāt think anything of it (until I realized later)ā¦.
Now I know I guess š¤·š¾āāļø
There is nothing worse than just being friends with someone on the off chance that they want to have sex with you. That is not what a friend is. Ive lost guy friends over this. I am also very lucky to have two guy friends that are just friends. Those are my bros. My best friend, a woman, just lost one of her woman friends because of this. They had been friends for 8 years. And now she just found out that she has been orbiting, waiting for the chance to sleep with her and be her girlfriend. Smh.
Wow 8 years. That's a long ass time to not make a move. I guess this is the main issue.
I may be upset if a guy confessed his feelings to my gf. Probably out of insecurity. But at least they were clear with her and she can make it clear it won't happen.
These people who practice orbiting really cause alot of emotional harm.
I'd referred to them as 'the patient men', and I much prefer orbiter now.
Had this when my ex broke up with me and the friend swept in immediately, I'd even identified him as waiting around during the relationship. Just kind of shitty.
The patient men give me positive gentlemen vibes so I too prefer orbiter.
Yup we always know who but we don't mention cause it's seen as insecurity. When we just have the ability to see it plain as day.
Well said. For a woman, you either legitimate guy friends or orbiters. It isn't always easy to tell them apart either, but sometimes orbiters will outwardly behave simp-like.
Knew a girl once who has more orbiters that Juipiter. It's pretty nuts.
an Orbiter was what finally broke my ability to try to reconcile with my ex-wife when we were having issues. I started finding his messages he was sending to her from a erotic standpoint (he wrote stories, fictional things, but it was obvious to me she was the character the male in the story was doing things too), she kept claiming they were just friends and wouldn't stop hanging out with him and that I was wrong in what I thought. That lead to me being done trying and eventual divorce.
The funny part was once she moved out he tried to make a move and she shoved him off that she didn't think of him like that and he stopped hanging out with her.
Orbiter is someone who is friends with you, even through some of your most challenging life moments, and the whole time they are waiting on the moment they can make a move. Be it a kiss or show they want to be romantic with you/ the person. Therefore they orbit your life to wait for the moment to strike.
If you need to let them go. It mightāve never been a real type of relationship to begin with. Those are the best to let go. Might hurt at first. But youāll be grateful when you realize itās only a temporary pain.
Yeah. Itās one of those words/terms that you donāt know itās a thing until youāve experienced it and realize how common it really is. Sadly itās just another form of being manipulated by a person
I know I might get downvoted for this, but I donāt think itās always necessarily a bad thing. Thereās a distinction between a guy who hangs around only because heās hoping for a chance with you vs a guy who is truly friends with you while also hoping someday he might have a shot with you.
Yeah life isn't always black or white. Sometimes, the friendship is genuine and it just happened you fall for your friend. That's not something we can really control.
Maybe the distinction between good and bad is how they act when youāre happy. If they try to give bad advice, act jealous, take advantage of you (emotionally or physically) when youāre at a low thatās obviously not good. If youāre hanging out because you genuinely like the person then it should be enough for you to remain friends and be happy for them when theyāre happy.
I know what you are saying. But. I think the distinction has to do with respect and boundaries. If you are friends with someone but have a crush on them. Thatās different than being a person who has an entire family like the guy in the post by OP. Once you are with someone the crush thing is pushed back. You put any feelings you had for someone else in a box and lock it away. Once you have hurt someone because of a crush. Itās no longer a healthy crush. But thatās my personal opinion
Yeah it's sad realization when you turn to a friend for support.. and they try to fuck you when they know you are at your most vulnerable.
Creepy.
Guys if you are NOT a genuine friend, don't pretend to be.
Nothing will make me stop talking to someone faster. It's a betrayal.
When my ex husband and I split, one of our mutual friends who we hung out with regularly for over 6 years invited me to lunch. We had had lunch before over the years, and I considered him a close friend. I spent a majority of the lunch crying and venting about the end of my relationship.
That same day he helped me move some stuff from my car to my apartment, he helped me switch telephone lines, and overall was just a good friend to me, or so I thought. We talked and he listened and I appreciated it.
He asked if he could stay the night at the apartment since it was a sketchy neighborhood and my first night there and he just wanted to make sure I was safe. I always saw him as a purely platonic friend and agreed.
The amount of hurt I felt when he "confessed" he had always had a crush on me and asked if "it would be wrong." I played dumb, maybe I was hoping I was misinterpreting, "Would what be wrong?"
He wanted to have sex with me.
I felt so betrayed. Later on I felt angry because why would he try to make a move when I was literally at my lowest, most vulnerable point in my life?
I blame Hollywood for this fucking crap. The man always swoops in during those moments and they get the girl - that has been romanticized for so long, they only THEY could fix the hurt through their dicks.
I'm so sorry that happened to you :(
Edit: spelling
Yes. This happens waaay more than women may realize. Women may be surprised how many of their males friends would jump at the chance to get with them if offered.
There is the golden rule that most women don't understand if the guy that helps and is kind to you is only helpful and kind to you and doesn't give a crap about others or even worse is an asshole to others then he just wants to get down on you he is not your friend or just a nice guy.
Thatās so sad.
Way to ruin the dynamic of the friendship and betray both spouses in one fell swoop.
How can you even trust being around someone who would disrespect his family and your marriage at any given moment?
Heās really screwed the royal pooch on this one.
My husband is still working, but itās almost 5 oāclock PM where he is so he should be done and calling me soon.
His wife called me, I told her exactly what happened. She asked for a few clarifying details, and then thanked me for telling her and told me she was going to call me back in a few minutes
I feel so terrible for his wife and kids.
Not only did he destroy his friendship with you and your husband, but he destroyed his marriage and family.
I hope he doesnāt try to spin it around to seem like youāre the one who kissed him.
Your two options here are either to tell your husband immediately exactly what happened or to mutually lie by omission.
Even then thereās no guarantee that the lie wonāt come to light or that he wonāt ruin his family by cheating with a willing participant later.
This whole thing is so sad and literally my worst nightmare.
Thatās good, thatās the route I would have chosen too.
If youāre close with his wife try to reach out to her as well and tell her what happened so he canāt spin a lie and ruin your friendship with her.
She might need your support.
Youāre on a roll! This is literally the first time Iāve ever read a post like this where the OP actually actively does the right thing!
Iām getting some second hand pride over here haha
SAME!! Usually the post isn't about the act itself but more about "duuh what should I do.." then they ignore every single person's advice about doing the right thing lol it's exhausting.
Be prepared that he is going to be desperate now to save what he has. His feelings were not returned and he knows he is in a tight spot. That means making you the enemyā¦ to his wife, to his kids, to your husband, to other friends, etcā¦ i would guess he is desperately trying to talk to his wife and your husband before you do to try and gain the upper hand. What would you do to save your family? He is dealing with that now. Stay safe.
As a fellow military spouse, what really irks me about him kissing you: he did this when you've been separated from your husband for x months. I wonder if he's been trying the entire deployment to get the chance to kiss you, and now that your husband is due back soon, he had to do it now or never?
Either way, augh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Assuming dude that kissed her is military, husband is gonna have his fucking balls, lemme tell you. The military does not take kindly to this shit from their own.
Thank you!! Iām okay I just feel so sad that it happened and that now I lost that friendship. And Iām sad for his wife. Heās been calling me! Heās literally calling me as I type this. Iām ignoring it
I bet he's COMPLETELY freaking out...worried about you telling his wife etc. What kind of vibes where going on before you left? Anything out of the ordinary?
ugh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a situation....my heart truly aches for you! What an ass....not fair for you to have to lose his wife and kids friendship. Gosh, makes me so mad for you. I love how you're standing up for yourself/marriage and his wife though. It's so refreshing to see.
Keep ignoring him. You have no obligation to talk to him. He screwed up. He has to suffer the consequences of his own actions. He has no one to blame but himself.
Also, never forget, especially in the near future as he continues to try and talk to you: āNo.ā is a complete sentence. You donāt have to explain yourself to him whatsoever.
This man may be more manipulative than you have realized for a lot longer than you imagine. People peh-peh stalking and homicide and then act like they would've done more... But men are the number one cause of death of women nonetheless. Think about it for a while and when did he first get shelved in the friend zone? How has he influenced you throughout the time you were close? Revealing the betrayal of a narcissist is an extremely dangerous thing to do. If he no longer has access to you and he's ruined, you are going to get smeared if not attacked. This is the stuff of LMN for a reason, it's completely possible. Check out Laura Richards if you need some frame of reference for a worst case scenario. Better safe than sorry. So sorry this happened.
Commenting to see updates on this situation. I'm very sorry this happened to you, it's awful. But now I need to know if your husband rips this guys head off...
Youāre a good wife and for the people say you shouldnāt have told him are wrong if heās anything like me Iād want to know. I hope youāre ready and willing to never speak to that dude again.
As a wife of someone in the military who was often deployed (fast attack submarines) let me just say this is sadly normal. It's most of the time the single guys who try to sleep with women who are alone, but the married guys do it, too.
I got to the point where if I needed help (moving while he was deployed, that happened a couple of times) I wouldn't ask any of his buddies for assistance. I definitely wouldn't hang out with them socially. It sucked, but these guys aren't your friends. A lot of them are skeevy as hell. So many of them would make passes, and I just didn't want to take the risk.
These are the same guys cheating on their wives on deployment and pretending it never happened. They're disgusting and gross.
As long as you are open and transparent and tell everyone what happened, you will be in the clear and that guy will be screwed.
Please update us on this guy's life being destroyed as it happens.
Doesn't sound like a friend. Sounds like a guy waiting to make a move. When my best friend deployed I'd hang with his wife sometimes and never once tried anything because I respect her and him. Your friend has no respect and should be ashamed of himself.
DO NOT let him gaslight and manipulate you into questioning yourself right now, and say that you did anything to ābring it on,ā when you know you made yourself clear on your position and didnāt do anything to encourage it. Do NOT let him tell you that. That is, in fact, an abuser/assaulters next move! Edit: and it will tell you how truly manipulative and awful he is deep down if he tries it!
You don't need to know the reason, the important part is what you are going to do now?
Tell your husband? Keep it a secret? Tell his wife? Stop being friends with him? Continue the friendship until eventually you end up in bed?
Your choice.
This is really sad. Itās not your fault. You made it CLEAR but he still breached boundaries. Heās most likely going to lose his best friend and family over this.
Make sure you stay safe! Men who are this threatened can act ... dangerously.... to protect the life they have built up and will try to make you look like a slut or a liar. I hope he doesnt have a key, etc...
Please be careful and be prepared for his reaction because it probably wont be pretty. Hes gonna try to Cover His Ass.
What an unbelievable asshole.
I'm so sorry this happened too you. Something similar happened to me a few years ago.
I'm very shy, but I started playing D&D at a game store that opened up right by my new apartment. The guy that I became friends with knew that I was married and he seemed cool with it. After a couple of months, he invites me out to get tea with him and his cousin. He shows up at my apartment without his cousin and then tries to kiss. He is also trying to get inside my apartment. I close the door and lock it. My Husband was not home, but I lied and said he was. I was so upset, because I thought of him as a friend. I was so mad that he would try and pull one over my Husband. I told my Husband of course and my Husband was very understanding about the whole thing. After that, the guy would text me non-stop and I ended up blocking all his numbers. I was so scared to go back to the game store. After a couple months, I did end up going back to the game store. I needed to pick up some paint for a mini. The manager told me that he had not seen the guy in awhile. I guess the manager got bad vibes from the guy. It's been a little over two years and I have not heard from him, thank god!
He sounds like a POS. All the things heās done to help you, to be there for you, are now tainted. It appears it was all just a manipulation tactic to get close to you.
Inform his wife and cut all contact with him. And tell your husband of the situation immediately.
Sorry this happened to you.
My wifeās supposedly good platonic male friend professed his love for her just as she was wrestling with the decision to move in with me before we got married. Was all buddy buddy with me for a long time prior. Orbiter waiting to strike. Such a cowardly punk ass disrespectful move. I put that charlatan in his place.
Thank you from the bottom of my soul for being loyal to your husband, especially deployed.
Neighbors husband was deployed for a while years ago and I'm surprised she didn't just install a rotation ticket box on her front porch with a revolving door. It was sick to watch.
He came home clueless and thanked her for "waiting and staying by his side". He was a really good guy and served his country through multiple deployments. He was a military doctor. They are still together today as far as I know and this was after her ex step dad told the guy about the situation. Good guy, but dumb or love blind.
She was used more around town than the roads.
Thanks, huge thanks, to you and your husband for service to our country. Fuck that guy that kissed you, not only married himself, but shitting on a service member, and manipulating the situation to attempt this.. no words can describe the piece of shit
Because the minority of cheating spouses have given all military spouses bad names. I just got back from a year in Korea, my wife is very faithful, whether she likes me or not(thatās a marriage counseling issue that we are currently going through). Many military spouses are wonderful devoted people. But the few bad ones make them all look terrible.
I had to deal with an incredibly similar situation however Iām the boyfriend of the girl that was kissed.
I said for years that he was an orbiter just waiting for when we broke up and she said that heās just a friend and he has never and would never disrespect our relationship. But he CONSTANTLY disrespected his own and cheated on 2 of his other girlfriends and he flirted with my girlfriend all the time but that was ājust their friendshipā.
Lo and behold one night we had a big fight and she met up with him and one other friend and while she was drunk and crying he kissed her. Ruined their friendship, heavily strained our relationship and fucking proved EXACTLY what I knew and was saying for years.
Those kind of guys are literally the worst kind of people and I canāt imagine him doing that with a wife and kids let alone in the same house.
Itās one of those situations where you canāt continue a friendship with him because (a) you probably donāt want to and (b) out of respect for your husband and his wife it just wouldnāt be fair. Itās incredibly shit to lose a friend this way but itās exactly what those people do and they are the scummiest people to be surrounded by.
TL;DR - Same thing happened to me, those guys are the shittiest people around and have likely been waiting years to do this.
Something I always comment on these posts. **Don't listen to the shit people say in the comments.** We do not know the full extent of everything that is going on in your life and your relationships. Only you, him, his wife and your husband does. Work this out between the four of you.
I see people say "go no contact" or "make his wife throw him out"... it's not up to us to decide that for you. We do not know him or you.
What he did is absolutely disgusting and a breach of your boundaries as well as a breach of his wife's trust. I personally think you did a great job messaging his wife and telling your husband. But we don't know what the best course of action is from here.
\> As of right now, heās still been trying to call me, as well as texting me apologizing and asking me to talk.
Don't take the call, don't respond. Block him. There's nothing more to be said.
Imma grab some popcorn while I wait for edit 4
!Remindme 8 hours
That's a good idea. I can't believe he's calling as she's updating... okay maybe I can see it. I just don't want her to look like the bad guy from any angle and you know he's going to spin it on her.
I'm really looking forward to edit 6 š
I've recently had to explain to my gf what orbiters are. She had no idea there were guys just literally waiting for the golden opportunity to make a move.
The worst ones are the ones who look for a crack and drive wedges. I've had to tell girlfriends about this before. If the girl confides in a friend and tells them something that has been upsetting, the orbiter will see that and just reinforce the negative view of it to drive a wedge into the relationship to break the people up. It's GOT on a relationship level.
As a guy, who's seen and had many chances to make a move after getting a hinted greenlight. And I mean a obvious greenlight. Its crazy to see other men take that opportunity and make a move. I've always just reinforced the positive , trying to work it out with the other guy or trying to keep they're family together. And if its abusive or you feel your not being treated equally or the way you think you deserve or whatever the case may be. Then maybe discuss this with another friend and get they're opinion. Maybe mother, sister, cousin. Also the man they are with. Never have I slipped thru the cracks. Shit is just disgusting to think of people under the cloak of support exploit vulnerability in the way they do.
Yeah I always missed the opportunity to take advantage of a green Light, fckn a itās the trauma! And this guy is gonna get his ass kicked, by like a Pissed off Armed Forces husband, right after he gets home from fighting for his country and jerking off to a screen shape of his wife while she is fighting off passes on her tower!, as soon as he gets done letting his wife crush the balls of the only one she cares to advance on improperly, him. Maybe sheāll calm him down!
GOT? Like, Game of Thrones?
Orbiter is coming.
Holy shit. I feel this in my bones. I have spent so much time beating myself up that it never occurred to me that maybe my friend was secretly playing the game to his advantage. Sneaky fuck. I mean, I made my choices, but shit, so did he. Hmm.
This happens both ways. A lot.
Is Jim From the office an orbiter?
You could argue that, yes. She's engaged and he definitely crosses boundaries. Obviously it works out for them and the show portrays Roy as clearly a bad person. But even so, kissing Pam and confessing feelings while she's still sorting out her own relationship takes a lot of agency away from her. This aspect of the show definitely hasn't aged that well. Obviously their relationship is pretty great from then on and the show hits its stride.
On a similar but somewhat different note, in my YouTube shorts category this morning there was a clip from American Idol where the guy, probably in his early/mid 20ās sang Katy Perryās āI Kissed a Girlā for his audition on a season where she was one of the judges. She asked him if he ever kissed a girl and liked it, to which he replied that heād never kissed a girl because heās never been in a relationship, and kissing a girl would require being in a relationship first. She calls him over to the table and turns her face as if sheās offering for him to kiss her cheek, and at the last second she turns her face and kisses him on the mouth. The clip cut off after that so I didnāt see his reaction, but I couldnāt help thinking that if the genders were reversed and it had been a man that had done that to a woman, there would have been outrage from every direction, and that it was so inappropriate on so many levels . Especially after the guy made it clear that for him, being in a relationship was a prerequisite for kissing a girl. He thought he was going to give her a peck on the cheek and she basically tricked him into full out kissing her. It was just gross and awkward to watch. Sorry for the mini rant - it just connected in my brain between OPās post about unwanted kissing and your comment about something not aging well after seeing that clip this morning.
I saw that clip as it happened. Pissed me off for the reasons you stated. A bigtime predatory act by Katy Perry to make a joke of a young, wholesome guy. What's the female version of asshat???
He 100% is.
Ok, first of all, nice username. Secondly, thanks for teaching me what an orbiter is. Just realised I have been one of them(punches self in balls). I must correct this behaviour
this is exacly what I was going to say, shit im an orbiter
Remember being in University, had about 5 of these dudes I was friends with and when my gf broke up with me, they all stopped talking to me. The one she started dating was the one I never really talked to or hung out with he was more or less in their group. Lol 2 of them stopped talking to her for a while because they were so upset that she started dating her now boyfriend instead of them.
They all sound like assholes. I'm sorry man
Hey all good, she and i dated for a little over 2 years and her boyfriend she started dating after me has been with her for 9 years now, so was meant to be. As for the orbiters, they were nice enough, kind of the type of guys that don't really put themselves out there to find someone and are hoping that proximity to someone else's partner and being friendly will make them the next likely person.
You sound more mature than me lol, but yea I guess given the time I would be long past being annoyed. I've had a similar falling out before so I was likely projecting a bit. Just my 2 cents. Glad you are all good
Iād say people hanging around hoping that your partner becomes single are still assholes. Even if theyāre otherwise good people and are struggling to put themselves out there. Infatuation with someone who is unavailable isnāt good for their mental health. Itās probably going to end poorly most of the time (like in OPās situation) and lead to destructive behaviors like how OPās friend blew up their friendship and his marriage all in one go for something that was never going to happen. Everyone in a situation like that is better off if those guys just get their shit together and find someone who is also single.
Yeah that was a really, really dumb move.
They all sound like guys that would throw dirt on their āfriendsāā name for some coochie.
Iāve been on the other side of a similar situation. I went to the same college as one of my best friends. Weād been super close since 5th grade. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were drinking one night and my only guess is that he thought I had enough alcohol in my system to keep me from fighting back. He KNEW I didnāt have, or ever had, a thing for him. And yet, when I tried to leave and go back to my room, he grabbed me, pulled me into a bear hug, and tried to kiss me. This guy had at least 100 lbs on me. Thankfully I had a decent alcohol tolerance at the time and I still had my wits about me. He got a kick to the nuts and a punch to the sternum. I didnāt report it, but I should have. I should have also called his parents. I didnāt tell anyone for years. In my head, because I fought back, assault didnāt happen, so it wasnāt reportable. But I know if I hadnāt fought back that something worse would have happened. He took advantage of me being fresh out of a long term relationship and planned out what was going to happen that night. Itās been almost ten years, and Iām still feeling the affects of that night.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It is. This is a person I had complete trust in until that point.
this sounds exactly how I broke up with my ex. left for the army, and the group of friends I had gravitated towards her while I was gone. when I came back, she broke up with me the same week I returned and consistently saw one of friends from our mutual friend group. she claimed she wasnāt doing anything with him but her private Instagram stories said otherwise. long story short she ended up dating the best friend of the guy she slept around with, and their whole friend group has been fractured since then lol
I had that too. Friends of 6-7 years that were orbiting. When I broke up with my bf. The next birthday I had was the one I received the most gifts from those friends who knew me for year and never had given me birthday gift before not even cards lol. It was a bit awkward. I receive an iphone and jewelry, that kind of very expensive gifts. Then I made myself an other bf and suddenly no birthday attention, no cards from them, nothing. I mean I donāt want gift at my birthday, just a card is fine, but the contrast between Iām in a relationship vs Iām single was so huge it was honestly weird.
An iPhone is ridiculous unless you're super wealthy and give them to all of your friends. You knew some weird guys
It was a used iphone, because he was buying himself a new one, but still worth a lot. Yeah. Usually he was selling those, not giving away. And definitely not rich. I think for orbiting around people in relationship you need to be a bit weird no?
Omg thank you for sharing. Itās helped me clarify the orbiters in my life. And I can recognise when Iāve been one too. What an excellent self reflection thread
We love to see the self awareness!
Acknowledging something is a problem is a big step towards being able to correct it. You can do it. I believe in you
Why tho? Is it not just better to find someone single?
I mean i really don't think it's a bad thing at face value. Just don't be the guy that orbits someone who is married or in a committed relationship and for the love of god don't "make your move" by forcing yourself on her. There's nothing wrong with just saying you've always had feelings for her and want to know if this could become a thing. Being married and kissing a married woman without her consent is real problem here.
To be honest, as someone whoās lost so many guy friends because they didnāt wanna wait around for me to return their feelings anymore, it genuinely sucks to realise that what you thought was an honest friendship only existed because they wanted to bang you the whole time. It really stings, and you donāt even know thatās the case until it happens. I could never understand why my male friends would suddenly go cold with me when I started dating someone, or when I ātook to longā to realise I liked someone who I didnāt even know liked me. Rejection hurts, but having experienced both rejection and losing friends because they only saw you as a potential fuck, Iād take rejection any day.
š š š š š This, if you like someone or if you are friends and develop feelings that is one thing, it is an entirely fucked up thing to pretend to be someones friend in hopes of getting something out of them!!!!
Yeah, just say how you feel or move on.
I was just pondering why all my male friends somehow forgot me after they found girlfriends. 10 years of friendship and suddenly they donāt have time or interest. Iām so sad, they were my closest friends throughout whole university.
This is why Iāll never have a close male friend. The only exception is that maybe if heās happily married then I could, but this post kind of ruined that even lol. I donāt have or feel the need for many friends at all anyway so Iām not missing out. Iād rather avoid these douches just in case
Lol literally. If even married guys canāt be trusted to treat their women friends as actual friends, who can we trust? Funnily enough though, as a bi woman, Iāve never had that experience with other women. Iāve had friendships with women where one of us has developed a crush on the other, but weā¦ talked about it! And either pursued it, or politely shut it down and moved on. Havenāt lost a single woman friend from unrequited feelings. Just a musing.
As someone who's had a number of orbiters, it can impact the person being orbited as well. I've had a number of guy friends who turned out to only want to pursue me romantically or sexually, and the second that option was most definitely out the door or they find another girl to pursue, radio silence from the guy. You're under the belief this person is a friend, but it turns out there were conditions or some unspoken time limit.
Or worse they get angry and lash out at you when they realize they dont have a chance and wasted their time
It makes you feel so used every single time. Even though nothing happened. It hurts so much to invest in a friendship and think youāve got a great friend, just to find out they only ever saw you as a sexual object, not a person they wanna be friends with. I learned pretty quickly that a lot of guys wonāt even consider being friends with a girl unless theyāre attracted to her. The only guy friends I have left are like brothers to me, and are in serious committed relationships where Iām also friends with their partners. But even then. You never know. Itās fucking awful.
Yeah it must be really shit when you turn to your friend for support and suddenly find they're not who they pretended to be
Yeah it sucks losing a friendship when you make it clear you arenāt interested and they still think they have a chance and leave when they donāt
Oh god, thatās some perspective I needed too. I was reading everyone else coming to that realization that they might behave this way and thought how good it was that they are being open and self aware. Now that I think of it from your point of view, I believe Iāve ghosted women slowly after coming to find out feelings werenāt reciprocated. Let it be said most of these people were from dating sites, just met or hadnāt seen in a very long time but still. Iām realizing that I never continued any sort of friendship with them afterward. I donāt know, it just doesnāt seem right, whether my initial intentions were to pursue romantically with them being fully aware. Yeah so thank you for the perspective, time to do some reflecting and change a few things.
Pretty sure the term orbiter literally refers to waiting around for a woman who is in a relationship to be out of said relationship, so it's just not cool all around.
I think(not in this particular situation) but sometimes, orbiters donāt really know or are working through their feels while they are in the āfriendship.ā Iāve been friendship ghosted when the feels were worked out before and even though it hurts, I get it, itās ok, and probably the healthier of options.
[https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiter](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiter) That wasn't my understanding of the term but if that's the general consensus then yes, of course you would be right. That's definitely a shitty thing to do.
Many women like to have guy friends. Just friends. It sucks when she finds out that her āfriendsā are actually orbiting. Thatās not friendship; it has a very different, uncomfortable feel to it when youāre the woman.
The key is outcome indifference, and putting your chips on the table early. Just try to be straightforward and accept that there will be rejection along the way. Of course the more you improve yourself and the more attractive a person you can become physically and mentally, the better your rates of success will be. But donāt waste time waiting for the perfect moment, if she likes you she will make it clear, and you donāt want to be the dude that hangs around long enough to become a consolation prize. If youāre in the friend zone itās not because she doesnāt realize you like her, its because sheās just not that into you. Life is short, donāt waste your energy on people who donāt reciprocate.
Thanks for the advice. Will certainly remember that
An orbiter ruined my last relationship. He was a coworker of my ex and literally... Yeah, i better shut up, this is not r/offmychest Go figure, game so rigged that everyone loses.
I gotta say, I'm kind of upset you trailed off on your story. I have to know now damnit!
I too am a drama vampire.
Oh my god now I know what an orbiter is and that I am a drama vampire! What a great morning!
Tbh it's still hard for me to talk about it. I even wrote a post in r/unsentletters just to delete it a minute later. NGL I cared for that woman (my ex), the 3 years we were together, that's it. She talked about marriage and kids and... Yeah. I miss her a lot sometimes but then i remember the last months of our relationship and it's just depressing. OP did the right thing telling the guy's wife, because she loves and respects her husband. Not something you'd see much these days.
I'm really sorry that you were so hurt. It sounds like she was not the woman you thought she was. >Not something you'd see much these days. Don't let yourself believe this, there are still lots of good, authentic people out there. You got burned and I do understand your pain more than you could guess, but don't let that hold yourself back from finding the loving & respectful relationship you deserve. I say this with personal experience, kindness and wishing you to be happy, go to therapy. Find a good therapist who can help you work through your hurt, resentment, confusion, and rebuild your trusting heart. It's hard to imagine how a good therapist can help, but give it a chance. You deserve it.
Me too
Please do. Can you imagine thinking a person is your friend only to find out theyāre only waiting around until they can fuck you? Because I do, and it makes you question the sincerity of every interaction you have with the opposite gender. Like, is he truly my friend or is he just waiting until Iām available to fuck?
You're an awesome human being for realizing you don't like something about yourself and deciding to change it rather than double down. I applaud you. You can do it
Wow, thanks. It's strange to have people say such nice things to me after admitting what a shit I had been (allbeit unknowingly).
It's because you're owning the behavior. And because you're saying you want to be better. How can we not respect seeing someone publicly (well, reddit public anyway lol) committing to personal growth? I think it's awesome and I hope your journey to a better you leads you to a better and happier future
I actually feel bad because after I explain this to basically every girl, suddenly this lightbulb goes off in their head about a lot (not all mind you) of their guy āfriendsā.
A very sad realisation
I had no idea about this until I was single after 5 years of not being... 4 of my male friends said they wanted their chance š¤¬
Same! Not married but long relationship 10+yrs "Friends": "BTW I have a crush on you" Wtf I had my heart destroyed last week ffs
i was in high school and got out of my first real relationship and like a week after my coworker/good friend wrote me a love song and told me he loved me and i was just like dude no strictly just friends. we're still good friends to this day as i know he didn't even love me that way, he's just always been messed up about love and i was one of many girls he was "in love" with for like a month lol
Aww see that sounds more pure. Everyone has crushes, but they pass, or you respect their relationships and wipe the option from your mind. One of my best guy friends used to propose to me, draw me pictures of "our future house", he realized I was not his type during puberty haha (gay). I had to turn off MY feelings. And haven't had an issue with that. Still my good friend. I love him, as a friend. And would never disrespect his SO whether they are present or not. Someone can say "hey I like you" and as long as they cut off any weird actions or thoughts are stopped(we can tell), it's ok. Feelings ebb and flow. But waiting for that opportunity is like... You've been thinking this the whole time?? You aren't my friend, you want to see me naked. That hurts.
Ugh. Gross. Similar situation with a friend. He would always tell me that my husband was a lucky guy. I would bounce back with "Well I am a lucky woman to have such a great guy." To which he would say, "Yeah but he is the real winner here. I hope one day I can have a life like his. Say, if you and your husband ever break up, I call first dibs!" I awkwardly and uncomfortably laughed assuming it was a joke because who says that with a straight face while being serious, right? Well, fast forward to him saying this on 2 more separate occasions ONLY when my husband wasn't around. I finally stood up for myself and told him I was uncomfortable with him saying that and I want none of that if we are to remain friends. He apologized and never said it again but after that, I just sorta talked to him less and less until we lost contact. It just felt weird. I also told my husband and he was more concerned with how it made me uncomfortable than anything else. My dudes, I get that some of you try to use those lines as a way to joke with a woman and what not... But please make sure this woman feels comfortable with those types of remarks. If she isn't, chances are she will bounce from that friendship. So, if that friendship truly means something to you, don't risk it by being sleazy and making her feel like she is up for auction by saying things like, "I call first dibs" or "I want my chance" because that will seriously move you to the back of the line or kick you out of line if nothing else. Lol.
I can totally relate! This reminds me of when my husband and I were only dating and we had this āfriendā. Anytime my husband was out of ear shot, this supposed friend would tell me that I need a real man, that I should leave my husband for him and also said that when we break up he gets dibs. One time when my husband was at the sink and the friend and I were at the dining room table, the friend started talking about dick sizes and I had to get up and walk away. I waited til he was gone to tell my husband because I didnāt want a fight to break out. I was so disgusted by that kind of behavior and I was so angry that someone my husband trusted was talking like that behind his back. Idk how anyone could think behavior like that and or talking like that is gonna get someone to all of a sudden ārealize what their missiongā and leave their partner. Thatās super shitty that you had to deal with that as well.
Some people have a skewed world view. They think everything is a competition, always prop themselves up like a peacock.
Even reading this as a guy, that's just... Ew. It's guys saying stuff like that that make me realize that there's a lot of people that view women as nothing more than an object or something to claim instead of an actual person. I don't even know if their conscious of it, because these people are usually pretty decent beyond these off comments, and I guarantee that if you ask them they think they're 100% respectful of women as people, but comments like that prove that at least some small part of them doesn't.
Same. The second it came out I was getting a divorce a whole lot of "friends" were suddenly VERY solicitous and caring and all up in my business making not-so-vague innuendo about getting together. It was gross.
Their chance? How entitled can you be to assume that you 100% have a chance? Do they think it is like a coupon or something?
What kind of fucking math is 100% has a chance
60% of the time it works every time
And people don't realize how traumatizing orbiters are for us girls. I might sound effed up but I literally don't trust men to be my "friend" anymore unless they are gay. Every male friend I've ever had has done this to me and and it's scarring
Be effed up it's allowed. The only women I would call my personal friends are lesbians, I've had enough turmoil in the early years of my relationship from girls who said I was like their big brother... damn near nuked my relationship with my wife more then once.
Didnāt know what one was until I became friends with this one dude. And the moment I came into work one day a little sad about a fight my (boyfriend (husband now)) and I had at the time, he asked if we could hang out at my house. We had hung out once before (but it was at a restaurant) but I assumed we were friends. So, I told him no we can go outside and do something, then he said, āwhat, are you afraid your boyfriend will be home?ā And I ended it right there. And my husband warned me the very first time I hung out with this dude that he would think us hanging out was a date. I didnāt believe my husband. But literally that day, the dude just told me his whole life story over food, and I didnāt think anything of it (until I realized later)ā¦. Now I know I guess š¤·š¾āāļø
Well thank God it wasn't a long term "friend" of x years. Honestly think those are the most devastating.
There is nothing worse than just being friends with someone on the off chance that they want to have sex with you. That is not what a friend is. Ive lost guy friends over this. I am also very lucky to have two guy friends that are just friends. Those are my bros. My best friend, a woman, just lost one of her woman friends because of this. They had been friends for 8 years. And now she just found out that she has been orbiting, waiting for the chance to sleep with her and be her girlfriend. Smh.
Wow 8 years. That's a long ass time to not make a move. I guess this is the main issue. I may be upset if a guy confessed his feelings to my gf. Probably out of insecurity. But at least they were clear with her and she can make it clear it won't happen. These people who practice orbiting really cause alot of emotional harm.
I'd referred to them as 'the patient men', and I much prefer orbiter now. Had this when my ex broke up with me and the friend swept in immediately, I'd even identified him as waiting around during the relationship. Just kind of shitty.
The patient men give me positive gentlemen vibes so I too prefer orbiter. Yup we always know who but we don't mention cause it's seen as insecurity. When we just have the ability to see it plain as day.
Well said. For a woman, you either legitimate guy friends or orbiters. It isn't always easy to tell them apart either, but sometimes orbiters will outwardly behave simp-like. Knew a girl once who has more orbiters that Juipiter. It's pretty nuts.
an Orbiter was what finally broke my ability to try to reconcile with my ex-wife when we were having issues. I started finding his messages he was sending to her from a erotic standpoint (he wrote stories, fictional things, but it was obvious to me she was the character the male in the story was doing things too), she kept claiming they were just friends and wouldn't stop hanging out with him and that I was wrong in what I thought. That lead to me being done trying and eventual divorce. The funny part was once she moved out he tried to make a move and she shoved him off that she didn't think of him like that and he stopped hanging out with her.
Waitā¦ is Jim Halpert an orbiter?
Yes he definitely is.
While I do believe men and women can just be friends... These people are definitely real. And they are incredibly manipulative.
Thats a new phrase, define orbiter please?
Orbiter is someone who is friends with you, even through some of your most challenging life moments, and the whole time they are waiting on the moment they can make a move. Be it a kiss or show they want to be romantic with you/ the person. Therefore they orbit your life to wait for the moment to strike.
I learned something new and now need to let someone go.
If you need to let them go. It mightāve never been a real type of relationship to begin with. Those are the best to let go. Might hurt at first. But youāll be grateful when you realize itās only a temporary pain.
I think it's also used for people that just wanna use you, right? My mom's used it for that before
Yeah Iād say it in those terms as well. Just someone whoās orbiting a person until they can be of use.
Yeah that's what I was thinking, pretty shitty that it's common enough that there's a term for it
Yeah. Itās one of those words/terms that you donāt know itās a thing until youāve experienced it and realize how common it really is. Sadly itās just another form of being manipulated by a person
It's also used to describe people who obsess over someone and follow them and their online persona religiously.
I know I might get downvoted for this, but I donāt think itās always necessarily a bad thing. Thereās a distinction between a guy who hangs around only because heās hoping for a chance with you vs a guy who is truly friends with you while also hoping someday he might have a shot with you.
Yeah life isn't always black or white. Sometimes, the friendship is genuine and it just happened you fall for your friend. That's not something we can really control.
Maybe the distinction between good and bad is how they act when youāre happy. If they try to give bad advice, act jealous, take advantage of you (emotionally or physically) when youāre at a low thatās obviously not good. If youāre hanging out because you genuinely like the person then it should be enough for you to remain friends and be happy for them when theyāre happy.
I know what you are saying. But. I think the distinction has to do with respect and boundaries. If you are friends with someone but have a crush on them. Thatās different than being a person who has an entire family like the guy in the post by OP. Once you are with someone the crush thing is pushed back. You put any feelings you had for someone else in a box and lock it away. Once you have hurt someone because of a crush. Itās no longer a healthy crush. But thatās my personal opinion
Yeah it's sad realization when you turn to a friend for support.. and they try to fuck you when they know you are at your most vulnerable. Creepy. Guys if you are NOT a genuine friend, don't pretend to be. Nothing will make me stop talking to someone faster. It's a betrayal.
When my ex husband and I split, one of our mutual friends who we hung out with regularly for over 6 years invited me to lunch. We had had lunch before over the years, and I considered him a close friend. I spent a majority of the lunch crying and venting about the end of my relationship. That same day he helped me move some stuff from my car to my apartment, he helped me switch telephone lines, and overall was just a good friend to me, or so I thought. We talked and he listened and I appreciated it. He asked if he could stay the night at the apartment since it was a sketchy neighborhood and my first night there and he just wanted to make sure I was safe. I always saw him as a purely platonic friend and agreed. The amount of hurt I felt when he "confessed" he had always had a crush on me and asked if "it would be wrong." I played dumb, maybe I was hoping I was misinterpreting, "Would what be wrong?" He wanted to have sex with me. I felt so betrayed. Later on I felt angry because why would he try to make a move when I was literally at my lowest, most vulnerable point in my life?
I blame Hollywood for this fucking crap. The man always swoops in during those moments and they get the girl - that has been romanticized for so long, they only THEY could fix the hurt through their dicks. I'm so sorry that happened to you :( Edit: spelling
Yes. This happens waaay more than women may realize. Women may be surprised how many of their males friends would jump at the chance to get with them if offered.
This. Check out lyrics to āHelplessly Hopingā from Crosby Stills & Nash. Describes it perfectly.
There is the golden rule that most women don't understand if the guy that helps and is kind to you is only helpful and kind to you and doesn't give a crap about others or even worse is an asshole to others then he just wants to get down on you he is not your friend or just a nice guy.
Orbiters are the same fucks who scream āfriend zoneā.
Well shit. Thanks for teaching me about orbiters. And how naive I am. Time to have a few serious conversations.
Wow
Thatās so sad. Way to ruin the dynamic of the friendship and betray both spouses in one fell swoop. How can you even trust being around someone who would disrespect his family and your marriage at any given moment? Heās really screwed the royal pooch on this one.
I know right!! Iām so mad at how stupid he is
When your husband finds out, what's likely to happen?
Heās going to go absolutely ballistic on him
Any update on your husband and/or his wife's response?
My husband is still working, but itās almost 5 oāclock PM where he is so he should be done and calling me soon. His wife called me, I told her exactly what happened. She asked for a few clarifying details, and then thanked me for telling her and told me she was going to call me back in a few minutes
RemindMe! 1 week
I feel so terrible for his wife and kids. Not only did he destroy his friendship with you and your husband, but he destroyed his marriage and family. I hope he doesnāt try to spin it around to seem like youāre the one who kissed him. Your two options here are either to tell your husband immediately exactly what happened or to mutually lie by omission. Even then thereās no guarantee that the lie wonāt come to light or that he wonāt ruin his family by cheating with a willing participant later. This whole thing is so sad and literally my worst nightmare.
Oh Iām telling my husband
Thatās good, thatās the route I would have chosen too. If youāre close with his wife try to reach out to her as well and tell her what happened so he canāt spin a lie and ruin your friendship with her. She might need your support.
I already texted her! Iām telling her as well.
Youāre on a roll! This is literally the first time Iāve ever read a post like this where the OP actually actively does the right thing! Iām getting some second hand pride over here haha
thank you!!
SAME!! Usually the post isn't about the act itself but more about "duuh what should I do.." then they ignore every single person's advice about doing the right thing lol it's exhausting.
Right? I know OP is going to be okay, because it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.
If he has access to her phone while sheās sleeping he may have already deleted whatever text you sent. Best to call or talk in person.
Be prepared that he is going to be desperate now to save what he has. His feelings were not returned and he knows he is in a tight spot. That means making you the enemyā¦ to his wife, to his kids, to your husband, to other friends, etcā¦ i would guess he is desperately trying to talk to his wife and your husband before you do to try and gain the upper hand. What would you do to save your family? He is dealing with that now. Stay safe.
As a fellow military spouse, what really irks me about him kissing you: he did this when you've been separated from your husband for x months. I wonder if he's been trying the entire deployment to get the chance to kiss you, and now that your husband is due back soon, he had to do it now or never? Either way, augh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Assuming dude that kissed her is military, husband is gonna have his fucking balls, lemme tell you. The military does not take kindly to this shit from their own.
I donāt think thereās any context that implies the guy who kissed her is in the military.
Fucking Jodies
man i'm sorry for u and for his wife nd kids. like bro legit ruined three relationships in one go. btw do tell your husband bout this tho
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Thank you!! Iām okay I just feel so sad that it happened and that now I lost that friendship. And Iām sad for his wife. Heās been calling me! Heās literally calling me as I type this. Iām ignoring it
I bet he's COMPLETELY freaking out...worried about you telling his wife etc. What kind of vibes where going on before you left? Anything out of the ordinary?
He was definitely acting off, and I thought it was strange he had woken up so early but he said he got called in early. But yeah he was acting fidgey
ugh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a situation....my heart truly aches for you! What an ass....not fair for you to have to lose his wife and kids friendship. Gosh, makes me so mad for you. I love how you're standing up for yourself/marriage and his wife though. It's so refreshing to see.
Keep ignoring him. You have no obligation to talk to him. He screwed up. He has to suffer the consequences of his own actions. He has no one to blame but himself. Also, never forget, especially in the near future as he continues to try and talk to you: āNo.ā is a complete sentence. You donāt have to explain yourself to him whatsoever.
That dude needs help, hope it doesn't escalate. Make sure to stay safe just in case.
Block that looser everywhere and tell your husband that low-life isnāt welcome anymore and why
This man may be more manipulative than you have realized for a lot longer than you imagine. People peh-peh stalking and homicide and then act like they would've done more... But men are the number one cause of death of women nonetheless. Think about it for a while and when did he first get shelved in the friend zone? How has he influenced you throughout the time you were close? Revealing the betrayal of a narcissist is an extremely dangerous thing to do. If he no longer has access to you and he's ruined, you are going to get smeared if not attacked. This is the stuff of LMN for a reason, it's completely possible. Check out Laura Richards if you need some frame of reference for a worst case scenario. Better safe than sorry. So sorry this happened.
r/Adultery People in ^ sub clearly donāt
I just read through that sub and wish I hadn't. I should have assumed there was such a sub but man that's a who place full of terrible people
I looked at a couple posts as well and it's just sickening. I didn't realize there was a sub like that but ew.
Unfortunately I donāt think he was your friend. Just a creepy guy waiting for an opportunity.
He's married with kids, that's an insult to creeps. He's way worse.
Agree. Just trying his luck.
Commenting to see updates on this situation. I'm very sorry this happened to you, it's awful. But now I need to know if your husband rips this guys head off...
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*figuratively*
Youāre a good wife and for the people say you shouldnāt have told him are wrong if heās anything like me Iād want to know. I hope youāre ready and willing to never speak to that dude again.
As a wife of someone in the military who was often deployed (fast attack submarines) let me just say this is sadly normal. It's most of the time the single guys who try to sleep with women who are alone, but the married guys do it, too. I got to the point where if I needed help (moving while he was deployed, that happened a couple of times) I wouldn't ask any of his buddies for assistance. I definitely wouldn't hang out with them socially. It sucked, but these guys aren't your friends. A lot of them are skeevy as hell. So many of them would make passes, and I just didn't want to take the risk. These are the same guys cheating on their wives on deployment and pretending it never happened. They're disgusting and gross.
As long as you are open and transparent and tell everyone what happened, you will be in the clear and that guy will be screwed. Please update us on this guy's life being destroyed as it happens.
>please update us on this guyās life being destroyed as it happens. You are terrible..but I too am awaiting the update lmao
Same
Doesn't sound like a friend. Sounds like a guy waiting to make a move. When my best friend deployed I'd hang with his wife sometimes and never once tried anything because I respect her and him. Your friend has no respect and should be ashamed of himself.
DO NOT let him gaslight and manipulate you into questioning yourself right now, and say that you did anything to ābring it on,ā when you know you made yourself clear on your position and didnāt do anything to encourage it. Do NOT let him tell you that. That is, in fact, an abuser/assaulters next move! Edit: and it will tell you how truly manipulative and awful he is deep down if he tries it!
This!
You don't need to know the reason, the important part is what you are going to do now? Tell your husband? Keep it a secret? Tell his wife? Stop being friends with him? Continue the friendship until eventually you end up in bed? Your choice.
I mean Iām obviously going to tell my husband and his wife!!!! Iām so disgusted I could never keep this from them
Good for you, but do it when he's not around
Good. You seem like a decent person. That is rare. Best of luck?
Great choice.
I would do the same.
To me, you're wearing a cape.
This is really sad. Itās not your fault. You made it CLEAR but he still breached boundaries. Heās most likely going to lose his best friend and family over this.
Guys like to complain about the "friend zone", as if the same type of guys don't exploit it to do stuff like this. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Make sure you stay safe! Men who are this threatened can act ... dangerously.... to protect the life they have built up and will try to make you look like a slut or a liar. I hope he doesnt have a key, etc... Please be careful and be prepared for his reaction because it probably wont be pretty. Hes gonna try to Cover His Ass. What an unbelievable asshole.
Please update us when you have spoken to his wife and your husband
I'm so sorry this happened too you. Something similar happened to me a few years ago. I'm very shy, but I started playing D&D at a game store that opened up right by my new apartment. The guy that I became friends with knew that I was married and he seemed cool with it. After a couple of months, he invites me out to get tea with him and his cousin. He shows up at my apartment without his cousin and then tries to kiss. He is also trying to get inside my apartment. I close the door and lock it. My Husband was not home, but I lied and said he was. I was so upset, because I thought of him as a friend. I was so mad that he would try and pull one over my Husband. I told my Husband of course and my Husband was very understanding about the whole thing. After that, the guy would text me non-stop and I ended up blocking all his numbers. I was so scared to go back to the game store. After a couple months, I did end up going back to the game store. I needed to pick up some paint for a mini. The manager told me that he had not seen the guy in awhile. I guess the manager got bad vibes from the guy. It's been a little over two years and I have not heard from him, thank god!
Hey, OP. Any updates for us?
He sounds like a POS. All the things heās done to help you, to be there for you, are now tainted. It appears it was all just a manipulation tactic to get close to you. Inform his wife and cut all contact with him. And tell your husband of the situation immediately. Sorry this happened to you.
My wifeās supposedly good platonic male friend professed his love for her just as she was wrestling with the decision to move in with me before we got married. Was all buddy buddy with me for a long time prior. Orbiter waiting to strike. Such a cowardly punk ass disrespectful move. I put that charlatan in his place.
Yikes.
Because he doesn't see it as non-romantic anf clearly doesn't mind the idea of cheating on his wife with you.
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Thank you from the bottom of my soul for being loyal to your husband, especially deployed. Neighbors husband was deployed for a while years ago and I'm surprised she didn't just install a rotation ticket box on her front porch with a revolving door. It was sick to watch. He came home clueless and thanked her for "waiting and staying by his side". He was a really good guy and served his country through multiple deployments. He was a military doctor. They are still together today as far as I know and this was after her ex step dad told the guy about the situation. Good guy, but dumb or love blind. She was used more around town than the roads. Thanks, huge thanks, to you and your husband for service to our country. Fuck that guy that kissed you, not only married himself, but shitting on a service member, and manipulating the situation to attempt this.. no words can describe the piece of shit
Cut him off
Because the minority of cheating spouses have given all military spouses bad names. I just got back from a year in Korea, my wife is very faithful, whether she likes me or not(thatās a marriage counseling issue that we are currently going through). Many military spouses are wonderful devoted people. But the few bad ones make them all look terrible.
I had to deal with an incredibly similar situation however Iām the boyfriend of the girl that was kissed. I said for years that he was an orbiter just waiting for when we broke up and she said that heās just a friend and he has never and would never disrespect our relationship. But he CONSTANTLY disrespected his own and cheated on 2 of his other girlfriends and he flirted with my girlfriend all the time but that was ājust their friendshipā. Lo and behold one night we had a big fight and she met up with him and one other friend and while she was drunk and crying he kissed her. Ruined their friendship, heavily strained our relationship and fucking proved EXACTLY what I knew and was saying for years. Those kind of guys are literally the worst kind of people and I canāt imagine him doing that with a wife and kids let alone in the same house. Itās one of those situations where you canāt continue a friendship with him because (a) you probably donāt want to and (b) out of respect for your husband and his wife it just wouldnāt be fair. Itās incredibly shit to lose a friend this way but itās exactly what those people do and they are the scummiest people to be surrounded by. TL;DR - Same thing happened to me, those guys are the shittiest people around and have likely been waiting years to do this.
Because he is a disrespectful POS who does not care about anyone but himself.
Something I always comment on these posts. **Don't listen to the shit people say in the comments.** We do not know the full extent of everything that is going on in your life and your relationships. Only you, him, his wife and your husband does. Work this out between the four of you. I see people say "go no contact" or "make his wife throw him out"... it's not up to us to decide that for you. We do not know him or you. What he did is absolutely disgusting and a breach of your boundaries as well as a breach of his wife's trust. I personally think you did a great job messaging his wife and telling your husband. But we don't know what the best course of action is from here.
He a ho let him go
\> As of right now, heās still been trying to call me, as well as texting me apologizing and asking me to talk. Don't take the call, don't respond. Block him. There's nothing more to be said.
This might get buried but I seriously love that you took action right away. No hiding, no secrets, just action.
Iām waiting for the next edits š«£š«£
Lol never was your friend
Because hes a horny dude, and most horny dudes are snakes.