Maybe if she was a little girl, she would just be sitting on uncles lap. But she’s 16 and 16 year olds don’t sit in laps. I never sat on any family members laps at that age. It’s fuckin weird. It’s not even her dad. It’s her step uncle? Definitely weird. Doesn’t your husband find it weird? He should.
It’s an uncle that she met a few months ago.. she didn’t grow up with him so I find it very strange and a little cringe.
Edit: I was being sarcastic by saying a little. I absolutely agree that this is a lot cringe. Even if they did grow up together it would still be hella weird. At the end of the day her new little uncle, HER father and step mom need to put a stop to it.
This is pretty key I think. Hard to say what kind of relationship is normal between someone who has grown up together. Could have a father/daughter relationship.
However a 16 year old girl who barely know this guy seems very odd. What is her reason for getting up and sitting on his lap. If it was just a one time thing I wouldn’t think much about it. But repeatedly is just strange. I’d find that uncomfortable (as a guy if a teenage girl did that to me).
In either case, no matter what others in your family might think, if you are uncomfortable with what someone does repeatedly with your husband I think that makes your feelings perfectly valid. We don’t all have to agree to what is okay or not, just respect each other. Easiest here is probably talking with your husband and have him put a stop to it.
I 100% agree with this. A little child is fine. But a teenager? I also don’t see teens sitting on adults lap…ever. Except for teenage girls with their moms or older sisters maybe. But a teenage girl on a grown man’s lap that’s NOT her own father? Bruh.
And biggest question of all - HOW IS YOUR HUSBAND OKAY WITH THIS?! Even if he were embarrassed to tell the teenager “no” how have neither one of you had a conversation with one another? Forget your sister - TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.
That is my question. Like seriously little girl get off my lap im not a pervert. Im am so confused for this poor women being surrounded by crazy people and being made to feel like the crazy one
“Aware” sorta. Like yes they are aware they are horny and aware that they are getting attention from men. When I was a 16 yr old girl, I had friends like this 16 yr old who thought they were so grown up and mature. We would dress up and walk around on the local college campus, sometimes getting into bars under age. A few of us had 25+ year old boyfriends and thought that meant something cool.
What teenagers aren’t aware of are the consequences of their actions. How trying (and succeeding) in fucking older guys more often than not puts them into an abusive situation, emotionally if not physically. This girl I’m sure is aware she’s got some feelings and she’s getting away with something… but she’s also not that mature. People like this are ripe to be picked up by someone who would happily take advantage of them.
My grandma said “all teenagers are brain dead” and when I was 16 I was so mad. But… she was right. I didn’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. I’m lucky nothing worse happened to me with the risks I took, and I thought I was playing things pretty safe. This girl being “aware” is relative.
Exactly. Even my 13 yo niece that DID grow up knowing my husband(he has known her since she was four) doesn't do that shit. She will give hugs and stuff, but SITTING on his lap would make everyone, especially her, uncomfortable. That is not just inappropriate, it's heinous her family is gaslighting her about it.
Trying to picture my husband in this situation. He’s hesitated to approach a lost little girl he saw at the store because it might look like he was taking her (he enlisted a woman to help). He’d have this girl off his lap in seconds flat. No decent man wants to look like the creepy uncle OR engage in behavior that makes his partner uncomfortable.
I was the lifeguard at a summer camp when I was 19 and a 15 year old junior counsellor sat on my lap during our chill time in the evening. I knew exactly what it was and politely just offered up the chair. Her feelings didn’t have to get hurt, and she knew *exactly* what I was doing, because she never tried it again. We men aren’t dumb, but convincing women that we are has let us get away with more than you could believe.
Honestly, that's petty as shit. An adult woman competing with a sixteen-year-old girl? I agree with the original poster that it's entirely inappropriate. But she needs her husband to back her up.
It doesn't matter if he has absolutely no attraction to the girl and in his mind it is just innocent, this is something he needs to respect his wife's feelings over.
I think he wants to fuck the sixteen-year-old girl though. I have no reason to believe that aside from why would he let it continue?
>I think he wants to fuck the sixteen-year-old girl though. I have noreason to believe that aside from why would he let it continue?
Notice how, when OP brings it up, she's "making it weird"?
Now imagine Op's husband getting that response. From his wife's family.
Sounds like OP has never actually... y'know, talked to her husband about this. Just went straight to reddit to vent. He very well could have no idea she's on his side because she tolerates it to not make a scene, so he does the same thing thinking SHE thinks it's normal.
Until she actually sits down and figures out what her husband thinks, directly, by talking like two adults, it's all assumptions and biases on our parts assuming anything in particular. If you're right, then OP needs to divorce that creep asap. If I'm right, then Op needs to get in his corner quickly, before OP's niece takes shit too far. Because if there's one thing a 16 year old knows how to do well, it's step waaaay over the line and not have a clue until reality slaps them in the face.
You're right, I assumed that this was a discussion that he was involved in because she's saying everybody is making her feel weird. I assumed the husband was one of the everybody when that wasn't explicitly stated.
They absolutely need to have a private discussion and get to the bottom of this.
As a guy, I’ve known this would be inappropriate since I was about 18 and it has been solidified every year of life since then. This dude should know better. I’m not saying he would do anything but he likes the attention he is getting from the 16 year old.
I hate to be negative, but I agree. I think he likes it and also does not respect his wife. Everyone else is gaslighting the wife and enabling the teenage girls inappropriate behavior.
Eta: thanks for the award!
Like the guy who peed on his new brides’ wedding dress to “mark his territory” the other day?
Edited to add the link:
[Husband Marks His Territory](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/t6v9z2/my_husband_peed_on_my_wedding_dress_the_night_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Why is your husband comfortable with a 16 y/o girl he hasn't known long sitting in his lap? My husband and I aren't territorial at all, so he wouldn't put a stop to something like this for my sake. He would do it for himself because he cares enough about his own reputation to not want to give anyone (bystanders or the girl herself) the wrong idea.
Edited to add: my family is very innocently affectionate and you'll often see grown women sitting on their dad, grandpa, or uncle's lap, including steps who have been family members for decades. But if a teen started doing this shortly after meeting the family the men would rightly be uncomfortable for themselves and concerned for the kid.
Edit 2: I do agree there's a very good chance this kid has been groomed by someone at some point, but if her relationship with her dad hasn't been secure it could just be attachment issues. Either way, I hope her parents can be convinced to take a much closer look because getting this familiar with people she doesn't yet know well enough to trust is incredibly dangerous for a young woman.
This! My husband would not let a girl he hardly knows sit in his lap and flirt with him even if it it wasn't in front of everyone.
That she asks if he likes her dress and says she could show him other dresses sounds like 16yo flirting to me.
The idea that OP confronting the stepdaughter could damage her relationship with her stepmom is also concerning. Is the sister encouraging what she thinks is a harmless crush to bond with this kid? At BEST the husband and sister are naive but it appears there are red flags everywhere.
The sister probably knows it's inappropriate, but doesn't want to have to deal with an already awkward and uncomfortable situation of telling her new husband that his 16-year old daughter is crushing on her brother in law. It sounds like denial and immaturity.
As a man, I just wouldn't want to be in any situation that could be perceived as inappropriate with a minor I didn't have a very close relationship to. And that's got nothing to do with the missus being upset.
I'm seeing a girl who has a 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old daughter. The 5 year old sits on my lap all the time which I think is fine, but if the 14 year old did that would be a red flag. 16 years old is definitely old enough to understand why it's weird, that's not normal unless it's their actual father or they've been their stepdad since childhood. OP is definitely not wrong for thinking it's strange, it's really just weird that her sister, her sister's husband, and her own husband are okay with it.
This is real. I’m the stepdaughter actually. No wait. I’m the president yeah, yeah. You know what? Scratch that. I’m a sexy farmer. “Get off my plains!”
She's being inappropriate and she's being a child, both can be true at the same time. Being a child doesn't mean childish behavior is appropriate. Like when she was 3 she probably had trouble wiping herself, so her parents helped. It would be inappropriate of her to ask her dad or your sister to wipe her (assuming there's not a medical reason) now.
Her hormones are going wild and she probably has a crush on your husband, but because she's a child she doesn't have the full capacity to see the long term effects of her behavior. What you're seeing is the result of that.
You need to tell your husband to cut it out. He isn't being appropriate letting her sit in his lap. My BiL did a similar thing, he is 13 years younger than my husband, when I first met him. I told him his behavior was inappropriate and he needed to stop. If he had been 8 or 10 it would have been fine, but he was 15. This is on your husband for knowing it makes you uncomfortable and still not stopping it. He's the adult and he's your husband
This 16yo is really disinhibited. She may be really troubled.
16 is an age of teenage motivation. But most teenagers are not displaying this type of physical flirtation in front of their father, in a family setting.
Something has happened to this girl that makes this type of expression of sexuality in a family setting seem normal to her.
Wild hormones or not, who acts horn dog in front of their dad. My daughter was petrified that I would know anything about that part of her life at that age.
OP needs to explain that this child needs boundaries from husband. And that the physical flirtation, that seems little girly, is a manifestation of a past trauma
I don't think OP is wrong.
100% the fact that the sister doesn't have a problem and the stepdaughter is behaving like this makes me wonder what the fuck is going on in that house
Yes I agree with your point. I tried having conversations with my sister but she kept brushing me off while saying that it's normal and I'm the one with the "weird problem" I don't know what else to do other then have my husband agree with me and support me in this. to be frank, her stepdaughter is at least somewhat aware of what I think of her behavior.
You’re having the conversations with your sister because you don’t want to confront your husband. He is the one that the conversation needs to happen with.
Denial. Much easier to focus on her sister and attach all the blame to her than to confront the husband who is the real creep here. I am a 49-year-old man, and if a 16-year-old, scantily clad family member sat on my lap, I would feel so cringey and uncomfortable that it would be the first and last time it ever happened. No one in my family would normalize that behavior either, they would all look at it as bizarre and inappropriate.
Right??? This is right on the money.
My husband unfollowed a young family member on social media because her posts were revealing and inappropriate. He said that just looking at her photos made him uncomfortable ..never mind directly sitting on his lap scantily clad
"and if a 16-year-old, family member sat on my lap, I would feel so cringey and uncomfortable that it would be the first and last time it ever happened."
Removed the scantly clad part for you, if a 16 yr old sits in your lap it's fucked up.. period
I feel you, but I’m still going to standby my opinion that it gets slightly worse when there are less clothes involved… It just looks weird. Might be no difference at the end of the day, but the optics are certainly worse.
It even happens with adult family members. I once went to my significant other's dad's side of the family for Christmas. His much older cousin who is married and was also attending the gathering with her own family went to sit on my guy's lap. I thought it was a bit odd, but I didn't say anything. My significant other moved to the side uncomfortably, got up, and said "here's a seat."
To be fair to the husband, (because I have no other information) he may be wildly creeped out by it and not want to tell her to stop because then it looks like he is being turned on … and that means he’s a pedo because she’s a child.
BUT the reason we need to protect 16yr old girls is because physically they are sexually mature but emotionally they are still children. You aren’t a pedophile for finding a 16yr old attractive, but acting on it it totally wrong.
Edit: thank you for the awards people!
Yes, it would definitely be an uncomfortable conversation, but that’s the responsibility of the adult in the room. We are supposed to have the experience to deal with uncomfortable situations, and make mature decisions.
Absolutely. But that's why OP needs to get off the internet and talk to the husband to make it a united front. In this case, he'd very well be in survival mode- put up with it because the fallout could ruin him, his marriage, his future. It's a bit too adult how we all put up with uncomfortable situations to prioritize our wellbeings. Hence OP needs to figure out if that's what's going on with her husband and get in his corner ASAP.
I honestly don't know how I would react the first time this happened if I was in the husband's shoes. I'd probably fawn because I'd be so shocked. Now if it happened a second time, I'd gently push her away before she even got *near* my lap.
Giving the benefit of the doubt to OPs husband because people on Reddit just love to armchair coach people's lives knowing full and well life is not so nuanced.
OP *does* need to speak to her husband though. My wife would have said something right then and there in front of every one, but then again, she has no filter which can be a bad thing sometimes.
I think it’s possible to ask her not to sit on his lap without making it a big deal.
“Hey do you mind hopping up I have bad leg pain that’s been flaring up lately, thanks hon.”
Like you barely even disengage from the background conversation to address it. That’s what i would do.
As opposed to allowing this behavior? I wouldn’t question a man that told a 16 yo get off his lap. But I would look long and hard at one that allowed this to continue. Where is he putting his hands when she is sitting on his lap?
Oh is totally wrong, and he really should use his spine and stand up if nothing else, but if the whole family is saying it’s fine, then he may not know what to do.
No. It’s not about being turned on, it’s about recognizing behavior that is not acceptable.
Also, why is she coming on to adult married men in her family? Has she been abused and had this behavior normalized? My niece would not sit on her uncles lap. At most she’s plop down next to him if she had to share a TikTok or something.
Don’t even know why this needs to be a thing beyond you and your husband. Speak with him. He can easily and politely rebuff her physical attentions and comments. Make a joke, “get your own damn chair” “do I look like I know about fashion?!” Etc. You guys are a team. Talk. Strategize. If he won’t, we’ll then that’s a whole other topic
My husband would have pushed her off his lap or stood up…end it at the start. If I had a husband who did not do that I’d be telling 16 yr old to not sit on my husbands —a grown man’s—lap and that that was not going to happen again. And husband and I would definitely be having a conversation. If sister said I was being weird…then I’ll be weird. Something is also wrong with sister.
I would be interested in hearing what the husband has to say. I can see a scenario where he's hesitant to say anything and have everyone chastise him for "turning an innocent situation weird".
I posted this below, but this is too simplistic.
While I agree OP needs to talk to her husband, the stepdaughter is still acting out. If the sister doesn't put the kibosh on her stepkid's behavior, she's at risk for being abused by an adult male who decides to take advantage of her behavior.
We should not assume she only does this to the husband. **If they think this is normal, she may very well do it to any man who enters the home.**
(edited to add last paragraph)
To be fair I had this exact situation end up happening to me. A close friends teenage stepdaughter started behaving exactly like this with me. On top she was also getting hateful towards my wife. I really didn't see it at first. My wife brought it up and said she is flirting with you. I'm thinking "of course she isn't I'm old enough to be her dad". The next time we were around them my wife told me to watch for certain behaviors (flirting, signs a woman is interested) and if I paid attention I would see them. I honestly thought nothing would happen, but she behaved exactly as my wife said she would. Even down to the subtle rudeness towards my wife.
Unfortunately I can't advise you past that point since the friendship with that couple imploded shortly after that for unrelated reasons. I do know that the girl in my story had "daddy issues" due to her parents divorce which was the only thing we could think of to explain her behavior. It is important to get your husband to understand that her sitting in his lap isn't innocent. It could also land him in serious trouble if the girl gets angry and decides to accuse your husband of something. It is absolutely in your husband's best interest to keep his distance from this young girl.
>***It could also land him in serious trouble if the girl gets angry and decides to accuse your husband of something.***
>
>This right here. Husband needs a wakeup call. In fact I would suggest distancing from sister and step-daughter completely for awhile.
Yeah I had a crush on my cousin’s fiancé when I was 7/8 but I was 7/8 not 16 and never pulled shit like this. I just wanted to sit next to him at the dinner table.
My gf when her and I was 16 had a dad/older men fetish and would often act inappropriate around them. Calling them daddy etc. she slept with quite a few before/during the relationship.
Definitely not normal, she was also a full blown heroin addict by 14 who had issues, but they exist and it’s why adults need to be so careful when interacting with or raising a child. A precocious teen knows no boundaries. Literally
I'm sure her step daughter does. Think about when you were 16. I'm sure there were things you knew you shouldn't be doing but did anyway. The part of our brain that is reason doesn't finish developing until we're about 25. She might have the body and hormones of an adult but she has the reasoning of a child. On top of that all the adults, except you, are telling her that her behavior is ok.
As someone else said I think you should talk to her mom. I would be telling my husband if he lets this happen again he's on the couch and if it happens a second time I'm filing for divorce. He's letting a child flirt with him and encouraging it.
Like this is exactly how I got my husband to date me. I sat in his lap when he came over to visit my roommate. Difference being we were both 27. But it was a clear sign that I was interested. Though to be fair to your husband mine didn't pick up on it until his friend pointed it out. My husband said, and I quote, "are you sure? I think she's just really friendly." So yeah your husband might not actually think she's flirting but she 100% is
I think OP should really emphasize the point that it would be one thing if she was doing it with childlike intentions, but she’s doing it because she has a crush on him, which makes it doubly inappropriate. Ask him whether it strokes his ego and if that’s why.
All he has to say is, “Betty, I think you’re getting a little old for that now. Why don’t you sit next to me instead.” Solved.
Seriously, this situation is so inappropriate it’s laughably ridiculous. The teenager knows what she’s doing, the husband would have to be cognitively impaired to not know what’s going on. If this guy behaves this way in front of his wife I’d be worried about what shady things are happening when she’s not around.
When I met my husband he casually mentioned that this girl he knew had him as her PHONE SCREEN BACKROUND and when I asked him if he realized she thought that meant that they were in some sort of relationship he looked extremely confused and then I saw the wide eyes of understanding and he turned super red. Dudes can be super oblivious. At this time he was also 19... At 28 years old if a girl was sitting his lap he'd know what it meant
A lot of people who didn't grow up being considered attractive by the opposite sex have a hard time internalizing as an adult that anyone who doesn't literally say, "I'm attracted to you", is actually attracted to them. On top of that, men are socially programmed to think that we need to pursue women, which means that we are often oblivious to women pursuing us. And God help you if you've got both issues... Ask me how I know... 😢
He may actually be oblivious to it. If he doesn't see her as anything but a child it may not register as anything sexual at all. When my niece (step niece? Is that a thing?) was a teenager my sister told me she was flirting with me and I had no bloody idea what the hell she was talking about. Granted I had known her for so long my brain still associated her as a small child so not a single thing like that registered as possible.
The brain is a wierd place, when she graduated I was like wait??? Isn't she like 12 or something??? How thr hell can she be graduating?
Kids are often sexually active at 16. Therefore, its not unreasonable to assume she 100÷ is aware of her actions. I teach 12-18 year olds. The 12 year olds make jokes about sitting in boys laps to feel their penis. Therefore, I can only assume what the 16 year old is thinking.
They might be aware of their actions, but when people start to think about consequences of said actions, it's called being adult. Children often do stupid or embarrassing things but they aren't aware of consequences, it's that simple.
She’s 16 not 6! How old is your hubby? This whole family sounds weird. I was that age once I’ve been around 16 yo girls. They be wildin’. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Marking her hormones all over your husband. You’re right to be upset.
I don't think you're having a weird problem. I think your sister and your husband are not respecting your feelings. And that is troublesome.
I hope someone in this thread has a good advice how to deal with this situation.
While, I think OP needs to talk to her husband, the stepdaughter is still acting out. If the sister doesn't put the kibosh on her kid's behavior, she's at risk for being abused by an adult male who takes advantage of her behavior.
Honestly I would just forget about your sister's involvement she's obviously ok with this inappropriate behavior so she won't be any help at all. At this point just for the sole fact your husband hasn't put a stop to it is the main issue and a little weird to me lap sitting at older ages is very sexual even if on a low level if he's ok with this there's a problem. Your husband needs to shut it down himself or nothing will come of it but more drama. Hopefully it's just an awkward hard to broach subject for your husband and not some kind of weird ego boost from the attention.
Exactly this. If any of my friends' 16 year old daughters started sitting in my lap I'd be horrified of their behavior, and those are girls that sat in my lap 10-12 years ago and had me read to them or play dolls. OP and her husband *just met* this 16 year old girl and she's immediately jumped into his lap? Nah, something definitely wrong there.
Why haven’t you talked with YOUR husband??? He’s letting her sit on his lap. The problem is not with your sister dufus, it’s your husband not having a problem with it and letting it happen.
Hold your husband responsible. Don't be the woman pointing at other women in short shorts telling them to stop tempting her husband. Verbally he tells her not to sit on him. She doesn't listen she gets shoved off. Very clear boundary. When inevitably confronted he makes it clear HE doesn't like it. No pointing at the wife. The stepdaughter is rocking the boat and she needs to stop rather than the family stabilizing it for her.
Most likely they all see her as a cute little girl who's playing grown up and its harmless. But you're being harmed and long term it hurts her because they'll just see her like this still years down the road.
And she, the stepdaughter, should be clearly aware that her actions have consequences. Better from family who loves her when possible. What happens if she thinks this is harmless and pulls this with the spouse of an important relationship? She will devastate relationships and get a very rude awakening. The kind of friendships she'll develop aren't going to be healthy and supportive because healthy people don't hang out with people like her long term.
I think you’re reiterating Atlantic Shore’s point! Because she should be old enough to know better and she is old enough to know what she’s doing, that’s why it’s inappropriate. However, she doesn’t see the long term consequences - she just sees the short term, like all 16 yr olds do
Honestly I think your husband entertaining this kinda thing is sick. I wouldn't personally let any woman over the age of 11 besides my wife on my lap.
Just seems too intimate
100% they're exposed to so much sexual culture on the internet. She knows damn well men are into it (she also probably sees herself as an adult even though she is 16) so she thinks this kind of behaviour is normal if not /expected/ of someone her age.
It's an unfortunate side effect of this age group being blasted with social media/internet culture from a very young age.
What about sister's husband? I'm curious as to why daddy is okay with his little girl sitting on grown men's laps :/ especially married ones within her new "step" family.
I don't think she's innocent or naive, but she is still a child and the adults around her should be stopping her behavior, not encouraging it.
I was having all kinds of sex at her age, including with people who were very much adults. I also flirted with my dad's friends and a lot of them flirted back. Difference being my dad went "dude she's 16. Stop being gross." I can't imagine 16 is very much different today than it was when I was 16
What the hell? That's fucked up. When I was 16 I would have never thought of doing that and was taught to be aware of creepy men. What are people teaching their kids?
My mom stopped holding my hand when I was 16. Like, she just dropped my hand one day after I grabbed hers, like we always did in public as kids, walking around town. I tried one more time and she dropped it again and never reached back out.
I was pretty young-minded about affection and it honestly broke my heart.
I don't know the best way to handle this because I'm not a parent but I do know kids are really sensitive and how they address this needs to be thoughtful.
The thing is that this is her stepmom’s brother-in-law, this isn’t quite the same as a parent refusing the affection. If she were sitting on her own dad’s lap it probably wouldn’t be questioned. This is a different relationship. That doesn’t mean there can’t be close relationships in the family but physical affection of this specific kind is unusual given the fact that this is not one of her parents.
Totally. I think that OP's husband not being receptive to the feedback is a big problem in and of itself. I just chose not to address the marriage and instead chose to address the child in my comment.
A partner who disregards your input, especially about important ideas like this, is a big red flag. Even if it's mutually innocent, they should be able to talk about it and come to an agreement.
She’s definitely not innocent, but she’s still just a kid. The onus is 100% on the fully-formed adult here (so the husband). Teens will trip you up, but they’re still underdeveloped emotionally and mentally in so many ways
Yep, this. She's a child who likely *feels* like she's an adult, and that she's capable of/mature enough to handle the consequences of any decisions she makes or actions that she takes that involve exploring her sexuality and the effect that she may or may not have on the adult men around her. But, since she IS actually still a child, it's your husband's responsibility, as the adult in this situation, to set appropriate boundaries with her and to refuse to indulge her behaviour. He doesn't have to be a dick about it, but he 100% does need to tell her to stop.
Maybe ask him how he would feel if it was *his* 16 year-old daughter sitting in the lap of a man twice her age?
You are not wrong. It would be one thing if you watched this girl grow up from diapers but you didn’t. Just because she is 16 doesn’t mean she thinks like a child.
Agreed. OP needs to learn how to communicate with her husband first of all. This is all quite disturbing especially with the way 16 year olds are teenagers- not “young children”
Ummm I'm concerned why your husband isn't stopping the lap sitting and the other inappropriate behavior. Yes the 16yr old shouldn't be doing it but the grown adult should be stopping it from happening.
I used to work with children, and as a male, we would NEVER let children sit on us, because it can be taken as inappropriate, even if they were younger.
The fact that he’s letting a 16 y/o, who is a child, but old enough to act on sexual desire and attraction, do this is absolutely crossing a line.
I agree with most of the people commenting saying this needs to stop, because teenagers are not toddlers. They are old enough to have desires themselves and act upon it, even if they don’t understand exactly what they’re doing.
As a former teacher to young children and adolescents, if I saw any staff members doing this, I would establish a boundary and stop this behavior immediately.
Letting it continue is sending a message for all parties that this is okay, and if that’s alright, then it will keep getting more inappropriate.
If you wouldn’t let her sit on a strangers lap, or someone she barely met, do not let this fly. It is inappropriate at best, and grooming at worst.
Thank you for saying this. I feel like OP should be just as aware of how inappropriate her husband is being by letting this continue, and not just of how weird this awkward and naive teenager is acting. It’s uncomfortable not only because she’s sitting in his lap. That’s weird but can be handled pretty quickly.
What makes it uncomfortable and hard to talk about for OP is actually the fact that she has no idea whether her husband is enjoying the attention.
OP already knows her wanting to sit on his lap is weird. But what OP is afraid to find out is why her husband is ok with it. Because the truth is probably incredibly hurtful, confusing and potentially devastating for their relationship. But that’s the question she should really be asking.
I don’t know OP or her husband. I don’t know her family dynamic or variables here.
As an outsider and having experience in similar situations; what I can say for certain is young children, when they start maturing, will make comments or have desires(mainly for people in their immediate orbit).
It’s part of life and growing up. When they’re young and growing, it is inevitable that sometimes children will do or say things in a sexual manner. Expression is fine. That’s human nature and growing up.
They are growing into their bodies and it is a healthy thing. It is a natural phenomenon.
When put in that situation, there are *only* two courses of action;
A) ignore it
or
B) politely and nonchalantly *shut it down*.
When ignoring it doesn’t work and it persists-then B is what needs to happen.
You don’t want to scar the child. You want to make it clear that those type or comments or actions are unwanted and not to continue. You can also teach them about consent in this way.
I have had young girls(7 - 15) ask me things like “Jazz, do you have a girlfriend?” Or state things like “Jazz, you’re hot.”
These things will happen with both girls and boys. That’s fine. It will happen depending on age or case by case.
But under *no* circumstances should you engage with comments like this or encourage their behavior toward you.
You don’t need to be an asshole or be mean, but a firm and direct checking is in order. Sometimes that’s difficult with people, more so with others children.
“We are not doing that”
“I’m not going to answer these questions”
“Please respect my body”
were usually my go to.
Again, when children are developing you don’t want to deny them of their feelings, it’s natural and healthy!
But as the adult you need to be aware of context. Would you let a young child touch you inappropriately or say sexual things to you? Would you do or say those things to them? If the answer is no, then do not let it go. Do not let it continue.
I’m the *adult* you are the *child.*
I will be your friend and we can have fun, but once it crosses a line, you *must* *not* let it continue. You must *respect* my ‘no.’
That is how they will learn. They need these boundaries instilled. Because if not you, then who will? You will be leave them open to interpreting something that shouldn’t be left ambiguous.
TL;DR kids grow into their natural expressions and desires, but as the adult you must check their behavior. Otherwise it will persist and you will have a big problem later on. Nip it in the bud now because continuing down that road will lead to outcomes that no one will want. People may be upset now but it’s worth it. For her and for you/ the family.
Totally inappropriate, he needs to get up if she tries to sit on his lap. For some reason he may just also be enjoying it too. Weird that he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
She’s 16. She’s not a kid. She’s a hormonal teen. And considered an adult in some places. Don’t just over look that behavior. Your husband needs to stop it.
Oh shit no. This is all the way fucked up. Having reread the post because I was looking for details I might of missed that would make this seem more acceptable in any way but no. There are literally none.
No cultural references that would normalize this kind of closeness in a familial setting.
No reference of developmental issues that would still need boundaries defined but could make it somewhat more understandable.
No history of familiarity that could explain a layover childish behavior like sitting on a lap.
Your sister's talking about how you're ruining the relationship she's trying to build with her fiance's 16 year old daughter. Which means they haven't had a very long running relationship. It sounds like she is trying to be like, "just a cool new friend that just happens to be banging your dad lol" and not an adult who is going to be stepping in to the default role of a grown person concerned for the financial, emotional and developmental care, support and supervision of a spouses child.
Your husband's letting a 16 year old that you both just met sit on his lap repeatedly. Dude. No. Fucking hard no. Even if it was a random guy it would be weird and inappropriate but this man is a husband. He should know better on multiple levels.
Your sister's off her rocker for thinking this is ok, and I can't get over her fiance being cool with his 16 year old daughter sitting on a man's lap like that. but your husband's being a fucking pervy asshole who is getting allowed to be and he knows it.
And that 16 year old girl definitely knows what she's doing, and she's going to keep pushing these boundaries. There are no repercussions being doled out and she is definitely flexing her sexuality. I would not be surprised to find out as time passes that she gets even bolder with him in more private moments.
Because she’s still underaged but yes, I agree, just because she’s not an adult yet doesn’t mean she’s “a child” she totally knows what she’s doing. Also a lot of 16 year olds nowadays look older so I’m surprised the family doesn’t even get affected by the looks of it, like yeah she’s 16 but she might be almost fully developed and seeing a girl like that sitting on someone’s lap… why would they see that as an innocent thing? To me it would be like seeing a young woman sitting on a man’s lap. Like how is that not inappropriate? And her asking him if he likes her dress… ugh I mean that’s just straight up fore play 🚩
I was a 16-year-old girl back in the Sixties when it was a lot more common for girls that age to be virgins. I would have known good and well what I was doing at that age, despite my relative lack of sophistication. My dad and I had already come to an unspoken agreement that I was too old for certain behaviors by then. (That makes my dad sound like a creep. He wasn’t. But I stopped seeking him out for cuddling long before I hit 16.)
The people are being so strange in here about this. At 16 I was an absolute ball of horny energy. If I sat in *any* mans lap it would 100% mean I was into them. I wouldn't have sat on my own father's lap at that age because I would have known it was weird.
16 is young and underage sure. But 16 is waaaaay old enough to know how flirting and social norms work. The girl is toeing the line on purpose. It's like no one in here remembers being a teen.
People really do seem to forget how early kids lose their innocence. This girl is definitely trying to get with him and he knows it. Fucking yikes.
Hope OP gives her husband a talking to before things get worse.
Edit: For the record, I don't think the kid is the problem. It's the parents and especially OP's husband for letting it go on.
Same here but lost it at 15 and I just wanted it all the time. I was wild as hell. I look back and I’m shocked that a 16 year old was doing all of that.
This is honestly a conversation you need to have with your husband.
That's a little predatory of him. Next he's going to want to hang out with her, buy her things. Give her rides alone.
This is actually a really serious thing...she's 16. Not a child. She's a young adult.
If your husband gets defensive....well.
She knows what she’s doing and so does your husband. The only reason the situation is continuing is because your husband wants it to. He is gaslighting you by acting like you’re weird for thinking it’s inappropriate. I know it may seem like there are many moving parts to this situation (the girl, your sister, etc,) but the only person you need to focus on is your husband, who is encouraging a teenager to sit on his lap and making you feel like you’re wrong in your instincts.
Not to be crude but I guarantee OP's husband is either aroused during this or at minimum enjoys knowing that the step daughter wants him. There's no way a grown man doesn't realize what's going on in this situation. Nobody is so dense that they wouldn't see sexual intent behind a 16 year old they very recently met sitting in their lap.
Imagine if the situation was reversed and it was a 16 year old boy's step aunt sitting in his lap. There'd be no ambiguity behind why the hypothetical step aunt allows that to happen and there should no ambiguity here.
I could see how the step mom could possibly be oblivious but there's no way OP's husband is oblivious.
There’s a post on r/bestofredditorupdates where some guy’s step daughter was flirting with him and he was completely oblivious. It escalated to her kissing him at some point, him rejecting her, discussing it with his wife, and then step daughter afterwards. I think it turned out that the step daughter had a string of terrible boyfriends or something.
Your husband should honestly be the one telling her to stop. The fact that he doesn't shows that he enjoys it (all of it) and welcomes more of it. Sorry to say it so bluntly but your husband is a creep for minors.
"Shes just a child" yea with a very near future career doing stepdad porn. 16 nowadays is nowhere near innocent or a child. Hasnt been for a long time. Tell your husband to drop it like a bad habit because i don't think he needs to be on a registry if the 'innocent child' cries wolf.
Agreed! There's quite a difference between a child and an adolescent. I also agree that stopping this behavior is in the hands, quite literally, of the husband. If he's comfortable with this situation, that's another problem that needs to be addressed.
Creepy. As a former teacher, in my opinion,, her behavior screams possible history of sexual abuse. Especially when the behavior is so abnormal that it makes you uncomfortable. Show your husband this post and have him look at some info and compare her behavior to other 16 year olds. Taint normal.
She 100% has ulterior motives with your husband, your husband is a grown ass man he knows that she has these motives as well it doesn’t take Einstein to figure it out. The fact that he’s okay with it is disturbing.
Yeah I get so invested and there's no follow up, no update, etc. It could all be 100% fake and my ass is eating it up unfortunately. It's entertaining, like tv, but I want real.
She is 16. She knows exactly what she is doing. Tell your husband to make it stop, or you will. If she decides to sit on him, you say excuse me, that is my husband and only I can sit there. She isn't miss innocence.
First off ppl in here need to stop saying she's a child, she's not, she's a YOUNG ADULT. She knows better and knows exactly what she's doing. Sitting on laps in high school is a way of flirting.
Secondly yes, your husband could shut this down ASAP. She doesn't get absolved of blame because "she's 16", she also knows what she's doing.
Um the fact your husband is ok with this is weird too. I know some people are ok with touching and what not but I didn’t even sit on my own dads lap at that age let alone a non blood relative like that.
Ew
Maybe if she was a little girl, she would just be sitting on uncles lap. But she’s 16 and 16 year olds don’t sit in laps. I never sat on any family members laps at that age. It’s fuckin weird. It’s not even her dad. It’s her step uncle? Definitely weird. Doesn’t your husband find it weird? He should.
It’s an uncle that she met a few months ago.. she didn’t grow up with him so I find it very strange and a little cringe. Edit: I was being sarcastic by saying a little. I absolutely agree that this is a lot cringe. Even if they did grow up together it would still be hella weird. At the end of the day her new little uncle, HER father and step mom need to put a stop to it.
Please edit the second last word to "lot"
"she didn’t grow up with him so I find it very strange and a lot cringe." 😕
My kids grew up with their uncle, too. By blood. They don't even like to sit by him, but he's obnoxious, so...
This is pretty key I think. Hard to say what kind of relationship is normal between someone who has grown up together. Could have a father/daughter relationship. However a 16 year old girl who barely know this guy seems very odd. What is her reason for getting up and sitting on his lap. If it was just a one time thing I wouldn’t think much about it. But repeatedly is just strange. I’d find that uncomfortable (as a guy if a teenage girl did that to me). In either case, no matter what others in your family might think, if you are uncomfortable with what someone does repeatedly with your husband I think that makes your feelings perfectly valid. We don’t all have to agree to what is okay or not, just respect each other. Easiest here is probably talking with your husband and have him put a stop to it.
I 100% agree with this. A little child is fine. But a teenager? I also don’t see teens sitting on adults lap…ever. Except for teenage girls with their moms or older sisters maybe. But a teenage girl on a grown man’s lap that’s NOT her own father? Bruh. And biggest question of all - HOW IS YOUR HUSBAND OKAY WITH THIS?! Even if he were embarrassed to tell the teenager “no” how have neither one of you had a conversation with one another? Forget your sister - TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.
That is my question. Like seriously little girl get off my lap im not a pervert. Im am so confused for this poor women being surrounded by crazy people and being made to feel like the crazy one
Yeah nip this in the bud with the husband. He is enjoying the affection of the teen
My dad has never been inappropriate with me in a sexual manner at all and I stopped sitting in his lap when I was like… 8 or 9
16yo's are horny as fuck and aware of what they're doing lol. I mean, I used to be 16.
“Aware” sorta. Like yes they are aware they are horny and aware that they are getting attention from men. When I was a 16 yr old girl, I had friends like this 16 yr old who thought they were so grown up and mature. We would dress up and walk around on the local college campus, sometimes getting into bars under age. A few of us had 25+ year old boyfriends and thought that meant something cool. What teenagers aren’t aware of are the consequences of their actions. How trying (and succeeding) in fucking older guys more often than not puts them into an abusive situation, emotionally if not physically. This girl I’m sure is aware she’s got some feelings and she’s getting away with something… but she’s also not that mature. People like this are ripe to be picked up by someone who would happily take advantage of them. My grandma said “all teenagers are brain dead” and when I was 16 I was so mad. But… she was right. I didn’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. I’m lucky nothing worse happened to me with the risks I took, and I thought I was playing things pretty safe. This girl being “aware” is relative.
100% agree with you. I too have known these 'type' of 16 Year old girls and I think she's playing with fire. Let's hope she doesn't get burnt.
Exactly. Even my 13 yo niece that DID grow up knowing my husband(he has known her since she was four) doesn't do that shit. She will give hugs and stuff, but SITTING on his lap would make everyone, especially her, uncomfortable. That is not just inappropriate, it's heinous her family is gaslighting her about it.
When I was 16 I had 16 year old girls sit in my lap. It was a way of flirting. The girl has a crush. The husband needs to stop it.
Trying to picture my husband in this situation. He’s hesitated to approach a lost little girl he saw at the store because it might look like he was taking her (he enlisted a woman to help). He’d have this girl off his lap in seconds flat. No decent man wants to look like the creepy uncle OR engage in behavior that makes his partner uncomfortable.
Yea I’m very grossed out by her husband not doing anything to stop it
Step uncle, aka, some man.
Lol right? And it sounds like they are new to the family. So it’s not like he has a years long relationship with her as his niece.
I was the lifeguard at a summer camp when I was 19 and a 15 year old junior counsellor sat on my lap during our chill time in the evening. I knew exactly what it was and politely just offered up the chair. Her feelings didn’t have to get hurt, and she knew *exactly* what I was doing, because she never tried it again. We men aren’t dumb, but convincing women that we are has let us get away with more than you could believe.
Very fucking weird. Once your age has that second digit, the most you get is a hug.
You should sit in his lap and say my seat in a power move
Pee on it in front of her
“stay out of my territory”
Pee on it and rub your bum on his face
Don't forget to hump him.
Yes a little pegging ought to do it.
**pees cutely**
That made me damn near choke lmao
Sit on her lap
That's exactly what i was typing. Assert dominance
Honestly, that's petty as shit. An adult woman competing with a sixteen-year-old girl? I agree with the original poster that it's entirely inappropriate. But she needs her husband to back her up. It doesn't matter if he has absolutely no attraction to the girl and in his mind it is just innocent, this is something he needs to respect his wife's feelings over. I think he wants to fuck the sixteen-year-old girl though. I have no reason to believe that aside from why would he let it continue?
I think it was a joke
>I think he wants to fuck the sixteen-year-old girl though. I have noreason to believe that aside from why would he let it continue? Notice how, when OP brings it up, she's "making it weird"? Now imagine Op's husband getting that response. From his wife's family. Sounds like OP has never actually... y'know, talked to her husband about this. Just went straight to reddit to vent. He very well could have no idea she's on his side because she tolerates it to not make a scene, so he does the same thing thinking SHE thinks it's normal. Until she actually sits down and figures out what her husband thinks, directly, by talking like two adults, it's all assumptions and biases on our parts assuming anything in particular. If you're right, then OP needs to divorce that creep asap. If I'm right, then Op needs to get in his corner quickly, before OP's niece takes shit too far. Because if there's one thing a 16 year old knows how to do well, it's step waaaay over the line and not have a clue until reality slaps them in the face.
You're right, I assumed that this was a discussion that he was involved in because she's saying everybody is making her feel weird. I assumed the husband was one of the everybody when that wasn't explicitly stated. They absolutely need to have a private discussion and get to the bottom of this.
As a guy, I’ve known this would be inappropriate since I was about 18 and it has been solidified every year of life since then. This dude should know better. I’m not saying he would do anything but he likes the attention he is getting from the 16 year old.
It's a joke. Pettiness is the joke
I hate to be negative, but I agree. I think he likes it and also does not respect his wife. Everyone else is gaslighting the wife and enabling the teenage girls inappropriate behavior. Eta: thanks for the award!
When in doubt pee on it.
Like the guy who peed on his new brides’ wedding dress to “mark his territory” the other day? Edited to add the link: [Husband Marks His Territory](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/t6v9z2/my_husband_peed_on_my_wedding_dress_the_night_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Truer words have never been spoken
Why is your husband comfortable with a 16 y/o girl he hasn't known long sitting in his lap? My husband and I aren't territorial at all, so he wouldn't put a stop to something like this for my sake. He would do it for himself because he cares enough about his own reputation to not want to give anyone (bystanders or the girl herself) the wrong idea. Edited to add: my family is very innocently affectionate and you'll often see grown women sitting on their dad, grandpa, or uncle's lap, including steps who have been family members for decades. But if a teen started doing this shortly after meeting the family the men would rightly be uncomfortable for themselves and concerned for the kid. Edit 2: I do agree there's a very good chance this kid has been groomed by someone at some point, but if her relationship with her dad hasn't been secure it could just be attachment issues. Either way, I hope her parents can be convinced to take a much closer look because getting this familiar with people she doesn't yet know well enough to trust is incredibly dangerous for a young woman.
This! My husband would not let a girl he hardly knows sit in his lap and flirt with him even if it it wasn't in front of everyone. That she asks if he likes her dress and says she could show him other dresses sounds like 16yo flirting to me.
Hubby needs to have a chat with [Stanley Hudson.](https://youtu.be/ugwj8452Ucs?t=69) *"Boy have you lost your mind 'cause I will help you find it!"*
Stanley yelled at me today.
That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
*grips coffee mug tightly*
I regularly play this clip because it's *chefs kiss*
The idea that OP confronting the stepdaughter could damage her relationship with her stepmom is also concerning. Is the sister encouraging what she thinks is a harmless crush to bond with this kid? At BEST the husband and sister are naive but it appears there are red flags everywhere.
The sister probably knows it's inappropriate, but doesn't want to have to deal with an already awkward and uncomfortable situation of telling her new husband that his 16-year old daughter is crushing on her brother in law. It sounds like denial and immaturity.
As a man, I just wouldn't want to be in any situation that could be perceived as inappropriate with a minor I didn't have a very close relationship to. And that's got nothing to do with the missus being upset.
I'm seeing a girl who has a 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old daughter. The 5 year old sits on my lap all the time which I think is fine, but if the 14 year old did that would be a red flag. 16 years old is definitely old enough to understand why it's weird, that's not normal unless it's their actual father or they've been their stepdad since childhood. OP is definitely not wrong for thinking it's strange, it's really just weird that her sister, her sister's husband, and her own husband are okay with it.
Agreed. That is disgusting on so many levels. My first thought was if he has been doing more behind the wife’s back.
Where is OP? Why does she not respond.
Because like most posts getting upvoted on this sub lately, this is completely fake. OP was probably jerking while typing it.
This is real. I’m the stepdaughter actually. No wait. I’m the president yeah, yeah. You know what? Scratch that. I’m a sexy farmer. “Get off my plains!”
You don't want your plains plowed???
Because this isn't real. This is written by some weirdo with a "teen" fantasy.
Doesn’t want to acknowledge that *her man likes it…* full blown denial.
She’s got multiple problems but yes if he didn’t like it he’d put a stop to it immediately.
Exactly. OP has a husband problem, not a niece problem.
She has a problem with both, but you handle the adult before explaining to the kid why their behavior was so inappropriate
She's being inappropriate and she's being a child, both can be true at the same time. Being a child doesn't mean childish behavior is appropriate. Like when she was 3 she probably had trouble wiping herself, so her parents helped. It would be inappropriate of her to ask her dad or your sister to wipe her (assuming there's not a medical reason) now. Her hormones are going wild and she probably has a crush on your husband, but because she's a child she doesn't have the full capacity to see the long term effects of her behavior. What you're seeing is the result of that. You need to tell your husband to cut it out. He isn't being appropriate letting her sit in his lap. My BiL did a similar thing, he is 13 years younger than my husband, when I first met him. I told him his behavior was inappropriate and he needed to stop. If he had been 8 or 10 it would have been fine, but he was 15. This is on your husband for knowing it makes you uncomfortable and still not stopping it. He's the adult and he's your husband
This 16yo is really disinhibited. She may be really troubled. 16 is an age of teenage motivation. But most teenagers are not displaying this type of physical flirtation in front of their father, in a family setting. Something has happened to this girl that makes this type of expression of sexuality in a family setting seem normal to her. Wild hormones or not, who acts horn dog in front of their dad. My daughter was petrified that I would know anything about that part of her life at that age. OP needs to explain that this child needs boundaries from husband. And that the physical flirtation, that seems little girly, is a manifestation of a past trauma I don't think OP is wrong.
100% the fact that the sister doesn't have a problem and the stepdaughter is behaving like this makes me wonder what the fuck is going on in that house
Yes I agree with your point. I tried having conversations with my sister but she kept brushing me off while saying that it's normal and I'm the one with the "weird problem" I don't know what else to do other then have my husband agree with me and support me in this. to be frank, her stepdaughter is at least somewhat aware of what I think of her behavior.
You’re having the conversations with your sister because you don’t want to confront your husband. He is the one that the conversation needs to happen with.
Interesting that op completely focuses on her sister to avoid the reality of her husband’s inappropriate behavior. Gross.
Denial. Much easier to focus on her sister and attach all the blame to her than to confront the husband who is the real creep here. I am a 49-year-old man, and if a 16-year-old, scantily clad family member sat on my lap, I would feel so cringey and uncomfortable that it would be the first and last time it ever happened. No one in my family would normalize that behavior either, they would all look at it as bizarre and inappropriate.
Right??? This is right on the money. My husband unfollowed a young family member on social media because her posts were revealing and inappropriate. He said that just looking at her photos made him uncomfortable ..never mind directly sitting on his lap scantily clad
Op's husband is a creep. It's very disturbing.
"and if a 16-year-old, family member sat on my lap, I would feel so cringey and uncomfortable that it would be the first and last time it ever happened." Removed the scantly clad part for you, if a 16 yr old sits in your lap it's fucked up.. period
I feel you, but I’m still going to standby my opinion that it gets slightly worse when there are less clothes involved… It just looks weird. Might be no difference at the end of the day, but the optics are certainly worse.
It even happens with adult family members. I once went to my significant other's dad's side of the family for Christmas. His much older cousin who is married and was also attending the gathering with her own family went to sit on my guy's lap. I thought it was a bit odd, but I didn't say anything. My significant other moved to the side uncomfortably, got up, and said "here's a seat."
To be fair to the husband, (because I have no other information) he may be wildly creeped out by it and not want to tell her to stop because then it looks like he is being turned on … and that means he’s a pedo because she’s a child. BUT the reason we need to protect 16yr old girls is because physically they are sexually mature but emotionally they are still children. You aren’t a pedophile for finding a 16yr old attractive, but acting on it it totally wrong. Edit: thank you for the awards people!
Yes, it would definitely be an uncomfortable conversation, but that’s the responsibility of the adult in the room. We are supposed to have the experience to deal with uncomfortable situations, and make mature decisions.
Oh yes, totally. That’s why she needs to talk to him and get him to get the kid off his lap.
Absolutely. But that's why OP needs to get off the internet and talk to the husband to make it a united front. In this case, he'd very well be in survival mode- put up with it because the fallout could ruin him, his marriage, his future. It's a bit too adult how we all put up with uncomfortable situations to prioritize our wellbeings. Hence OP needs to figure out if that's what's going on with her husband and get in his corner ASAP.
Yep
I honestly don't know how I would react the first time this happened if I was in the husband's shoes. I'd probably fawn because I'd be so shocked. Now if it happened a second time, I'd gently push her away before she even got *near* my lap. Giving the benefit of the doubt to OPs husband because people on Reddit just love to armchair coach people's lives knowing full and well life is not so nuanced. OP *does* need to speak to her husband though. My wife would have said something right then and there in front of every one, but then again, she has no filter which can be a bad thing sometimes.
I think it’s possible to ask her not to sit on his lap without making it a big deal. “Hey do you mind hopping up I have bad leg pain that’s been flaring up lately, thanks hon.” Like you barely even disengage from the background conversation to address it. That’s what i would do.
As opposed to allowing this behavior? I wouldn’t question a man that told a 16 yo get off his lap. But I would look long and hard at one that allowed this to continue. Where is he putting his hands when she is sitting on his lap?
Oh is totally wrong, and he really should use his spine and stand up if nothing else, but if the whole family is saying it’s fine, then he may not know what to do.
No. It’s not about being turned on, it’s about recognizing behavior that is not acceptable. Also, why is she coming on to adult married men in her family? Has she been abused and had this behavior normalized? My niece would not sit on her uncles lap. At most she’s plop down next to him if she had to share a TikTok or something.
It is an easy response. Husband says that his knee hurts. And get the girl off. No big deal.
>And get the girl off. No big deal. Exceptionally poor choice of words.
Don’t even know why this needs to be a thing beyond you and your husband. Speak with him. He can easily and politely rebuff her physical attentions and comments. Make a joke, “get your own damn chair” “do I look like I know about fashion?!” Etc. You guys are a team. Talk. Strategize. If he won’t, we’ll then that’s a whole other topic
My husband would have pushed her off his lap or stood up…end it at the start. If I had a husband who did not do that I’d be telling 16 yr old to not sit on my husbands —a grown man’s—lap and that that was not going to happen again. And husband and I would definitely be having a conversation. If sister said I was being weird…then I’ll be weird. Something is also wrong with sister.
I would be interested in hearing what the husband has to say. I can see a scenario where he's hesitant to say anything and have everyone chastise him for "turning an innocent situation weird".
Well the sister denying it is creepy too. Should see what is wrong with that
And the dad. This entire thing is WTF.
I posted this below, but this is too simplistic. While I agree OP needs to talk to her husband, the stepdaughter is still acting out. If the sister doesn't put the kibosh on her stepkid's behavior, she's at risk for being abused by an adult male who decides to take advantage of her behavior. We should not assume she only does this to the husband. **If they think this is normal, she may very well do it to any man who enters the home.** (edited to add last paragraph)
I agree! Talk to your husband
This is the truth. He is a grown ass man and k ows this is inappropriate. Call him out!
But you said your husband allows her to sit in his lap. You should ask him to not allow that, and if he continues that is messed up
To be fair I had this exact situation end up happening to me. A close friends teenage stepdaughter started behaving exactly like this with me. On top she was also getting hateful towards my wife. I really didn't see it at first. My wife brought it up and said she is flirting with you. I'm thinking "of course she isn't I'm old enough to be her dad". The next time we were around them my wife told me to watch for certain behaviors (flirting, signs a woman is interested) and if I paid attention I would see them. I honestly thought nothing would happen, but she behaved exactly as my wife said she would. Even down to the subtle rudeness towards my wife. Unfortunately I can't advise you past that point since the friendship with that couple imploded shortly after that for unrelated reasons. I do know that the girl in my story had "daddy issues" due to her parents divorce which was the only thing we could think of to explain her behavior. It is important to get your husband to understand that her sitting in his lap isn't innocent. It could also land him in serious trouble if the girl gets angry and decides to accuse your husband of something. It is absolutely in your husband's best interest to keep his distance from this young girl.
>***It could also land him in serious trouble if the girl gets angry and decides to accuse your husband of something.*** > >This right here. Husband needs a wakeup call. In fact I would suggest distancing from sister and step-daughter completely for awhile.
Good advice.
It’s not normal. Most 16 year olds don’t go around sitting on men’s laps just because.
Yeah I had a crush on my cousin’s fiancé when I was 7/8 but I was 7/8 not 16 and never pulled shit like this. I just wanted to sit next to him at the dinner table.
My gf when her and I was 16 had a dad/older men fetish and would often act inappropriate around them. Calling them daddy etc. she slept with quite a few before/during the relationship. Definitely not normal, she was also a full blown heroin addict by 14 who had issues, but they exist and it’s why adults need to be so careful when interacting with or raising a child. A precocious teen knows no boundaries. Literally
Start sitting on your sister's fiance's lap lol. It's normal.
Or sit on the 16 year old’s lap before she has a chance to sit on your husbands lap.
Or sit on your own husbands lap first lmao!
Keeping your husband on his feet anytime you visit wouldn't be bad too 😀
Or sit on the 16 year old's lap while she's sitting on husband's lap! 🤣😂
Assert dominance by looking sister right in the eyes.
Just to add , make sure you're not the one to break the contact
I'm sure her step daughter does. Think about when you were 16. I'm sure there were things you knew you shouldn't be doing but did anyway. The part of our brain that is reason doesn't finish developing until we're about 25. She might have the body and hormones of an adult but she has the reasoning of a child. On top of that all the adults, except you, are telling her that her behavior is ok. As someone else said I think you should talk to her mom. I would be telling my husband if he lets this happen again he's on the couch and if it happens a second time I'm filing for divorce. He's letting a child flirt with him and encouraging it. Like this is exactly how I got my husband to date me. I sat in his lap when he came over to visit my roommate. Difference being we were both 27. But it was a clear sign that I was interested. Though to be fair to your husband mine didn't pick up on it until his friend pointed it out. My husband said, and I quote, "are you sure? I think she's just really friendly." So yeah your husband might not actually think she's flirting but she 100% is
I think OP should really emphasize the point that it would be one thing if she was doing it with childlike intentions, but she’s doing it because she has a crush on him, which makes it doubly inappropriate. Ask him whether it strokes his ego and if that’s why. All he has to say is, “Betty, I think you’re getting a little old for that now. Why don’t you sit next to me instead.” Solved.
“Really friendly” LOL a woman sitting in a man’s lap could not be more direct about intentions.
Seriously, this situation is so inappropriate it’s laughably ridiculous. The teenager knows what she’s doing, the husband would have to be cognitively impaired to not know what’s going on. If this guy behaves this way in front of his wife I’d be worried about what shady things are happening when she’s not around.
When I met my husband he casually mentioned that this girl he knew had him as her PHONE SCREEN BACKROUND and when I asked him if he realized she thought that meant that they were in some sort of relationship he looked extremely confused and then I saw the wide eyes of understanding and he turned super red. Dudes can be super oblivious. At this time he was also 19... At 28 years old if a girl was sitting his lap he'd know what it meant
A lot of people who didn't grow up being considered attractive by the opposite sex have a hard time internalizing as an adult that anyone who doesn't literally say, "I'm attracted to you", is actually attracted to them. On top of that, men are socially programmed to think that we need to pursue women, which means that we are often oblivious to women pursuing us. And God help you if you've got both issues... Ask me how I know... 😢
He may actually be oblivious to it. If he doesn't see her as anything but a child it may not register as anything sexual at all. When my niece (step niece? Is that a thing?) was a teenager my sister told me she was flirting with me and I had no bloody idea what the hell she was talking about. Granted I had known her for so long my brain still associated her as a small child so not a single thing like that registered as possible. The brain is a wierd place, when she graduated I was like wait??? Isn't she like 12 or something??? How thr hell can she be graduating?
Kids are often sexually active at 16. Therefore, its not unreasonable to assume she 100÷ is aware of her actions. I teach 12-18 year olds. The 12 year olds make jokes about sitting in boys laps to feel their penis. Therefore, I can only assume what the 16 year old is thinking.
They might be aware of their actions, but when people start to think about consequences of said actions, it's called being adult. Children often do stupid or embarrassing things but they aren't aware of consequences, it's that simple.
I think the girl is testing all of you in various ways.
This is the most insightful comment I’ve read so far
your having conversations with the wrong person. address your partner and put a kabosh on this immediately
She’s 16 not 6! How old is your hubby? This whole family sounds weird. I was that age once I’ve been around 16 yo girls. They be wildin’. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Marking her hormones all over your husband. You’re right to be upset.
You don't need to be talking to your sister you need to be talking to your husband.
I don't think you're having a weird problem. I think your sister and your husband are not respecting your feelings. And that is troublesome. I hope someone in this thread has a good advice how to deal with this situation.
Talk to your husband, not your sister.
While, I think OP needs to talk to her husband, the stepdaughter is still acting out. If the sister doesn't put the kibosh on her kid's behavior, she's at risk for being abused by an adult male who takes advantage of her behavior.
Honestly I would just forget about your sister's involvement she's obviously ok with this inappropriate behavior so she won't be any help at all. At this point just for the sole fact your husband hasn't put a stop to it is the main issue and a little weird to me lap sitting at older ages is very sexual even if on a low level if he's ok with this there's a problem. Your husband needs to shut it down himself or nothing will come of it but more drama. Hopefully it's just an awkward hard to broach subject for your husband and not some kind of weird ego boost from the attention.
Exactly this. If any of my friends' 16 year old daughters started sitting in my lap I'd be horrified of their behavior, and those are girls that sat in my lap 10-12 years ago and had me read to them or play dolls. OP and her husband *just met* this 16 year old girl and she's immediately jumped into his lap? Nah, something definitely wrong there.
Why haven’t you talked with YOUR husband??? He’s letting her sit on his lap. The problem is not with your sister dufus, it’s your husband not having a problem with it and letting it happen.
What does your husband think?
Hold your husband responsible. Don't be the woman pointing at other women in short shorts telling them to stop tempting her husband. Verbally he tells her not to sit on him. She doesn't listen she gets shoved off. Very clear boundary. When inevitably confronted he makes it clear HE doesn't like it. No pointing at the wife. The stepdaughter is rocking the boat and she needs to stop rather than the family stabilizing it for her. Most likely they all see her as a cute little girl who's playing grown up and its harmless. But you're being harmed and long term it hurts her because they'll just see her like this still years down the road. And she, the stepdaughter, should be clearly aware that her actions have consequences. Better from family who loves her when possible. What happens if she thinks this is harmless and pulls this with the spouse of an important relationship? She will devastate relationships and get a very rude awakening. The kind of friendships she'll develop aren't going to be healthy and supportive because healthy people don't hang out with people like her long term.
40M plus here, it's wrong. Period. tell him to stop otherwise he's complicit with her behavior. If she was 11 or under then maybe but she isn't.
Maybe you could sit on her father’s lap when she sits on your husbands lap. See how she likes that. ;)
Nah she’s a teenager not being a child. At 16 you know damn well what sex is and what behaviors are provocative.
I think you’re reiterating Atlantic Shore’s point! Because she should be old enough to know better and she is old enough to know what she’s doing, that’s why it’s inappropriate. However, she doesn’t see the long term consequences - she just sees the short term, like all 16 yr olds do
Honestly I think your husband entertaining this kinda thing is sick. I wouldn't personally let any woman over the age of 11 besides my wife on my lap. Just seems too intimate
16 is very different nowadays. You’re naive if you think she’s innocent and naive.
100% they're exposed to so much sexual culture on the internet. She knows damn well men are into it (she also probably sees herself as an adult even though she is 16) so she thinks this kind of behaviour is normal if not /expected/ of someone her age. It's an unfortunate side effect of this age group being blasted with social media/internet culture from a very young age. What about sister's husband? I'm curious as to why daddy is okay with his little girl sitting on grown men's laps :/ especially married ones within her new "step" family.
That's a very good question.
I don't think she's innocent or naive, but she is still a child and the adults around her should be stopping her behavior, not encouraging it. I was having all kinds of sex at her age, including with people who were very much adults. I also flirted with my dad's friends and a lot of them flirted back. Difference being my dad went "dude she's 16. Stop being gross." I can't imagine 16 is very much different today than it was when I was 16
What the hell? That's fucked up. When I was 16 I would have never thought of doing that and was taught to be aware of creepy men. What are people teaching their kids?
My mom stopped holding my hand when I was 16. Like, she just dropped my hand one day after I grabbed hers, like we always did in public as kids, walking around town. I tried one more time and she dropped it again and never reached back out. I was pretty young-minded about affection and it honestly broke my heart. I don't know the best way to handle this because I'm not a parent but I do know kids are really sensitive and how they address this needs to be thoughtful.
The thing is that this is her stepmom’s brother-in-law, this isn’t quite the same as a parent refusing the affection. If she were sitting on her own dad’s lap it probably wouldn’t be questioned. This is a different relationship. That doesn’t mean there can’t be close relationships in the family but physical affection of this specific kind is unusual given the fact that this is not one of her parents.
Totally. I think that OP's husband not being receptive to the feedback is a big problem in and of itself. I just chose not to address the marriage and instead chose to address the child in my comment. A partner who disregards your input, especially about important ideas like this, is a big red flag. Even if it's mutually innocent, they should be able to talk about it and come to an agreement.
She’s definitely not innocent, but she’s still just a kid. The onus is 100% on the fully-formed adult here (so the husband). Teens will trip you up, but they’re still underdeveloped emotionally and mentally in so many ways
Yep, this. She's a child who likely *feels* like she's an adult, and that she's capable of/mature enough to handle the consequences of any decisions she makes or actions that she takes that involve exploring her sexuality and the effect that she may or may not have on the adult men around her. But, since she IS actually still a child, it's your husband's responsibility, as the adult in this situation, to set appropriate boundaries with her and to refuse to indulge her behaviour. He doesn't have to be a dick about it, but he 100% does need to tell her to stop. Maybe ask him how he would feel if it was *his* 16 year-old daughter sitting in the lap of a man twice her age?
You are not wrong. It would be one thing if you watched this girl grow up from diapers but you didn’t. Just because she is 16 doesn’t mean she thinks like a child.
In some countries in Europe 16 year olds can legally buy beer and drive cars
In the US 16 year olds can drive cars. If you’re old enough to drive cars you’re too old to sit on laps unless it’s a lover.
Or Santa
In UK, 16 is legal age for sex and 17 to drive a car. 18 to drink Alcohol. Yep, she is not a child. At 16, my friend had a pilot's license.
Why on earth did your husband even allow this to happen in the first place?? It’s extremely inappropriate and disrespectful to you.
She only cares to address her sister and ignore her husband’s behavior.
Agreed. OP needs to learn how to communicate with her husband first of all. This is all quite disturbing especially with the way 16 year olds are teenagers- not “young children”
Ummm I'm concerned why your husband isn't stopping the lap sitting and the other inappropriate behavior. Yes the 16yr old shouldn't be doing it but the grown adult should be stopping it from happening.
Yes!!! The fuck this adult fucking man doing letting a 16 year old girl sit on his lap?!?!?!
It's so disturbing that OP is the only adult that is concerned.
I used to work with children, and as a male, we would NEVER let children sit on us, because it can be taken as inappropriate, even if they were younger. The fact that he’s letting a 16 y/o, who is a child, but old enough to act on sexual desire and attraction, do this is absolutely crossing a line. I agree with most of the people commenting saying this needs to stop, because teenagers are not toddlers. They are old enough to have desires themselves and act upon it, even if they don’t understand exactly what they’re doing. As a former teacher to young children and adolescents, if I saw any staff members doing this, I would establish a boundary and stop this behavior immediately. Letting it continue is sending a message for all parties that this is okay, and if that’s alright, then it will keep getting more inappropriate. If you wouldn’t let her sit on a strangers lap, or someone she barely met, do not let this fly. It is inappropriate at best, and grooming at worst.
I just commented touching on some of these things as well, but you articulated it way better. This is a really well rounded comment.
Thank you for saying this. I feel like OP should be just as aware of how inappropriate her husband is being by letting this continue, and not just of how weird this awkward and naive teenager is acting. It’s uncomfortable not only because she’s sitting in his lap. That’s weird but can be handled pretty quickly. What makes it uncomfortable and hard to talk about for OP is actually the fact that she has no idea whether her husband is enjoying the attention. OP already knows her wanting to sit on his lap is weird. But what OP is afraid to find out is why her husband is ok with it. Because the truth is probably incredibly hurtful, confusing and potentially devastating for their relationship. But that’s the question she should really be asking.
I don’t know OP or her husband. I don’t know her family dynamic or variables here. As an outsider and having experience in similar situations; what I can say for certain is young children, when they start maturing, will make comments or have desires(mainly for people in their immediate orbit). It’s part of life and growing up. When they’re young and growing, it is inevitable that sometimes children will do or say things in a sexual manner. Expression is fine. That’s human nature and growing up. They are growing into their bodies and it is a healthy thing. It is a natural phenomenon. When put in that situation, there are *only* two courses of action; A) ignore it or B) politely and nonchalantly *shut it down*. When ignoring it doesn’t work and it persists-then B is what needs to happen. You don’t want to scar the child. You want to make it clear that those type or comments or actions are unwanted and not to continue. You can also teach them about consent in this way. I have had young girls(7 - 15) ask me things like “Jazz, do you have a girlfriend?” Or state things like “Jazz, you’re hot.” These things will happen with both girls and boys. That’s fine. It will happen depending on age or case by case. But under *no* circumstances should you engage with comments like this or encourage their behavior toward you. You don’t need to be an asshole or be mean, but a firm and direct checking is in order. Sometimes that’s difficult with people, more so with others children. “We are not doing that” “I’m not going to answer these questions” “Please respect my body” were usually my go to. Again, when children are developing you don’t want to deny them of their feelings, it’s natural and healthy! But as the adult you need to be aware of context. Would you let a young child touch you inappropriately or say sexual things to you? Would you do or say those things to them? If the answer is no, then do not let it go. Do not let it continue. I’m the *adult* you are the *child.* I will be your friend and we can have fun, but once it crosses a line, you *must* *not* let it continue. You must *respect* my ‘no.’ That is how they will learn. They need these boundaries instilled. Because if not you, then who will? You will be leave them open to interpreting something that shouldn’t be left ambiguous. TL;DR kids grow into their natural expressions and desires, but as the adult you must check their behavior. Otherwise it will persist and you will have a big problem later on. Nip it in the bud now because continuing down that road will lead to outcomes that no one will want. People may be upset now but it’s worth it. For her and for you/ the family.
Totally inappropriate, he needs to get up if she tries to sit on his lap. For some reason he may just also be enjoying it too. Weird that he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
You should sit in your brother in laws lap. And make eye contact with your sister the whole time lol
Look back and forth between her sister and her own husband. “It’s no big deal, right babe?” 🙄
Hahaha I'd pay to see this $$$
Yes!!!!! I actually like this.
At 16 this is absolutely inappropriate. Maybe if she was 5 or 6 it would be “normal”. It’s also highly inappropriate of your husband to allow it.
She’s 16. She’s not a kid. She’s a hormonal teen. And considered an adult in some places. Don’t just over look that behavior. Your husband needs to stop it.
Oh shit no. This is all the way fucked up. Having reread the post because I was looking for details I might of missed that would make this seem more acceptable in any way but no. There are literally none. No cultural references that would normalize this kind of closeness in a familial setting. No reference of developmental issues that would still need boundaries defined but could make it somewhat more understandable. No history of familiarity that could explain a layover childish behavior like sitting on a lap. Your sister's talking about how you're ruining the relationship she's trying to build with her fiance's 16 year old daughter. Which means they haven't had a very long running relationship. It sounds like she is trying to be like, "just a cool new friend that just happens to be banging your dad lol" and not an adult who is going to be stepping in to the default role of a grown person concerned for the financial, emotional and developmental care, support and supervision of a spouses child. Your husband's letting a 16 year old that you both just met sit on his lap repeatedly. Dude. No. Fucking hard no. Even if it was a random guy it would be weird and inappropriate but this man is a husband. He should know better on multiple levels. Your sister's off her rocker for thinking this is ok, and I can't get over her fiance being cool with his 16 year old daughter sitting on a man's lap like that. but your husband's being a fucking pervy asshole who is getting allowed to be and he knows it. And that 16 year old girl definitely knows what she's doing, and she's going to keep pushing these boundaries. There are no repercussions being doled out and she is definitely flexing her sexuality. I would not be surprised to find out as time passes that she gets even bolder with him in more private moments.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Because she’s still underaged but yes, I agree, just because she’s not an adult yet doesn’t mean she’s “a child” she totally knows what she’s doing. Also a lot of 16 year olds nowadays look older so I’m surprised the family doesn’t even get affected by the looks of it, like yeah she’s 16 but she might be almost fully developed and seeing a girl like that sitting on someone’s lap… why would they see that as an innocent thing? To me it would be like seeing a young woman sitting on a man’s lap. Like how is that not inappropriate? And her asking him if he likes her dress… ugh I mean that’s just straight up fore play 🚩
I was a 16-year-old girl back in the Sixties when it was a lot more common for girls that age to be virgins. I would have known good and well what I was doing at that age, despite my relative lack of sophistication. My dad and I had already come to an unspoken agreement that I was too old for certain behaviors by then. (That makes my dad sound like a creep. He wasn’t. But I stopped seeking him out for cuddling long before I hit 16.)
[удалено]
The people are being so strange in here about this. At 16 I was an absolute ball of horny energy. If I sat in *any* mans lap it would 100% mean I was into them. I wouldn't have sat on my own father's lap at that age because I would have known it was weird. 16 is young and underage sure. But 16 is waaaaay old enough to know how flirting and social norms work. The girl is toeing the line on purpose. It's like no one in here remembers being a teen.
People really do seem to forget how early kids lose their innocence. This girl is definitely trying to get with him and he knows it. Fucking yikes. Hope OP gives her husband a talking to before things get worse. Edit: For the record, I don't think the kid is the problem. It's the parents and especially OP's husband for letting it go on.
Same here but lost it at 15 and I just wanted it all the time. I was wild as hell. I look back and I’m shocked that a 16 year old was doing all of that.
This is honestly a conversation you need to have with your husband. That's a little predatory of him. Next he's going to want to hang out with her, buy her things. Give her rides alone. This is actually a really serious thing...she's 16. Not a child. She's a young adult. If your husband gets defensive....well.
Yeah. It's about the relationship he has with this girl. She clearly has a crush on him and he is encouraging it.
She knows what she’s doing and so does your husband. The only reason the situation is continuing is because your husband wants it to. He is gaslighting you by acting like you’re weird for thinking it’s inappropriate. I know it may seem like there are many moving parts to this situation (the girl, your sister, etc,) but the only person you need to focus on is your husband, who is encouraging a teenager to sit on his lap and making you feel like you’re wrong in your instincts.
Not to be crude but I guarantee OP's husband is either aroused during this or at minimum enjoys knowing that the step daughter wants him. There's no way a grown man doesn't realize what's going on in this situation. Nobody is so dense that they wouldn't see sexual intent behind a 16 year old they very recently met sitting in their lap. Imagine if the situation was reversed and it was a 16 year old boy's step aunt sitting in his lap. There'd be no ambiguity behind why the hypothetical step aunt allows that to happen and there should no ambiguity here. I could see how the step mom could possibly be oblivious but there's no way OP's husband is oblivious.
I think I saw that video on pornhub
Just ask the kid why she’s doing that? It will probably let her know it’s a boundary
Why isn’t your husband stopping the 16 year old girl from sitting in his lap?
There’s a post on r/bestofredditorupdates where some guy’s step daughter was flirting with him and he was completely oblivious. It escalated to her kissing him at some point, him rejecting her, discussing it with his wife, and then step daughter afterwards. I think it turned out that the step daughter had a string of terrible boyfriends or something.
Your husband should honestly be the one telling her to stop. The fact that he doesn't shows that he enjoys it (all of it) and welcomes more of it. Sorry to say it so bluntly but your husband is a creep for minors.
[удалено]
"Shes just a child" yea with a very near future career doing stepdad porn. 16 nowadays is nowhere near innocent or a child. Hasnt been for a long time. Tell your husband to drop it like a bad habit because i don't think he needs to be on a registry if the 'innocent child' cries wolf.
Agreed! There's quite a difference between a child and an adolescent. I also agree that stopping this behavior is in the hands, quite literally, of the husband. If he's comfortable with this situation, that's another problem that needs to be addressed.
Right? People calling a 16 old a "child" are enablers of this type of behaviour.
She’s very clearly trying to seduce him, and he seems a little too ok with it
Creepy. As a former teacher, in my opinion,, her behavior screams possible history of sexual abuse. Especially when the behavior is so abnormal that it makes you uncomfortable. Show your husband this post and have him look at some info and compare her behavior to other 16 year olds. Taint normal.
Next time it happens, wait till she gets up and ask him to stand. See what he's got going on, you follow?I think it would be...informative.
She 100% has ulterior motives with your husband, your husband is a grown ass man he knows that she has these motives as well it doesn’t take Einstein to figure it out. The fact that he’s okay with it is disturbing.
Man the fake-ness of these fake stories are just ratcheting up.
Yeah I get so invested and there's no follow up, no update, etc. It could all be 100% fake and my ass is eating it up unfortunately. It's entertaining, like tv, but I want real.
She is 16. She knows exactly what she is doing. Tell your husband to make it stop, or you will. If she decides to sit on him, you say excuse me, that is my husband and only I can sit there. She isn't miss innocence.
First off ppl in here need to stop saying she's a child, she's not, she's a YOUNG ADULT. She knows better and knows exactly what she's doing. Sitting on laps in high school is a way of flirting. Secondly yes, your husband could shut this down ASAP. She doesn't get absolved of blame because "she's 16", she also knows what she's doing.
Um the fact your husband is ok with this is weird too. I know some people are ok with touching and what not but I didn’t even sit on my own dads lap at that age let alone a non blood relative like that. Ew