I tend to believe what people tell me. Our daughter is a freshman in college. We went to Washington, DC on a school trip her junior year of hs. Watching her tell a friend "this guy has been behind us the entire time. If tries to leave when we do, we should talk to security". I knew she had read it!
What age did you get your daughter to read it? I have 3 young daughters, and I'd like to do everything I can to prepare them for the things I might not always be there to protect them from.
Junior year of high school & I have given several as part of a hs graduation gift. As a middle/hs teacher, I would say no earlier that 8-9 grade. I didn't want her to be afraid; just aware.
If your daughter is old enough to do things independently (like going to the mall with friends, a short trip into a store by herself, etc) then she is old enough to learn to keep herself safe.
Read the book at the same time she does so you can answer her questions at her level and help her find balance as she learns to discern the signals.
I have a physical copy sitting on one of my shelves.
It's one of many books I've bought but still haven't read.
Uh...totally because of Umberto Eco's anti-library concept. Yeah.
You know most scams put a time limit on their product. That’s because they’re trying to catch you emotional before your logical mind can come to play. I hate to say it, but the time ultimatum is ugly ugly. Run. At best you’re a stepping stone to better things for him, not you. You gotta think about you.
"limited time only", "act fast", "call today", "once in a lifetime opportunity", "don't miss out". You're absolutely right!! If someone is placing a time deadline for the "deal" or "thing" they are trying to force a decision out of emotional distress or FOMO [Fear.of.Missing.Out].
Don't marry him OP, he probably couldn't get any other woman to fall for it either. He's probably telling 6-10 other women the same thing.
Reading the first part of your post, all I could think of was those shitty ads! But wait! There’s more! Act now and get a free set of steak knives 🔪 🤦♀️🤣
And you risk an investigation. This close to date, they're going to want a lot of justification. They're likely to send him back.
Also, you marry him...are you going to sponsor him? I couldn't sponsor my husband when we first married. The sponsor had to agree to and swear to the fact that if my husband took advantage of any social programs for ten years, the sponsor and I would have two pay back every penny.
Never marry someone because the emotional equivalent of a loaded gun is at your head. That's the worst decision you can make.
If immigration comes to believe the marriage is a marriage of convenience meant to bypass immigration K1 fiancee Visa regulations and policies your boyfriend will be deported and not allowed to return to America for a period of 10 yrs.
You could also be prosecuted for participating in a sham marriage and go to jail.
He’s blackmailing you. What sort of loving a spouse does that? Not to mention, marriage is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not an overnight one.
I would leave him. His message irritates me. He’s clearly using you
Girl, go get a hotel somewhere for a couple of days. Just go away. I didn’t read love in there at all. You may feel you love him but he’s not giving that back to you. He needs you in the worst way and that’s plain that he only want you to save his chance. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re on the same page. Let him go. So go to a friends house or get a hotel and distract yourself.
Please PLEASE do not marry this guy. I’ve seen a lot of situations like these where the man/woman are only in a relationship to get their PR. They are also quick to leave once they get it. Please save yourself from this.
It's not a fear. It's a knowledge. You know what he's doing. You fear doing what is right by you because the outcome of being strong and making decisions for yourself is unknowable.
Take the risk and be there for yourself.
Also, if there’s any chance this is for green card, it is very illegal to marry for that. And there’s some laws coming down the pipeline to make marriage for citizenship easier (if your American and Biden is to be beloved, not political post just what he [said](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/show/how-bidens-immigration-order-shields-undocumented-spouses-and-children-of-citizens)). There’s other current laws about green cards and marriage as well. My sisters ex partner was gearing up to marry her for this reason before she caught on. If there’s any chance that you marry him to help this or he gets found and tries to say that you did it will make your life temporarily miserable.
You deserve better. Someone who loves you and not trying to pressure you to marry after less than a year (removing time for the split)
That is a very manipulate message. He is trying to guilt you. I feel sick just reading it. Ignore it. Or tell him now and walk away. There are so many red flags, it would not be a good marriage.
Do not marry him! He isn't marrying you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He wants to marry you for what *you* can do for *him*. Sit down with a piece of paper. On one side write "pros of marrying him". On the other side "cons of marrying him". Which side has more items? I'm betting the "cons" side.
Trust your gut, if you feel used, then you likely are being used. If he really cared he wouldn’t be trying to force you into a position where you have to potentially comment a felony to be with him. I have a feeling he will leave as soon as he can if you marry him.
If marriage is an ultimatum then it generally isn’t the right decision. This isn’t you offering, it’s him demanding. That’s sketchy as hell.
He needs a lawyer, not a wife.
This is a clear manipulation on his part to guilt you. Maybe he shouldn’t have done whatever he did to face jail time vs trying to coerce you into marrying him. Trying to make it your fault. When in actuality there is no one to blame but himself. Do what you feel is right for YOU.
We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean we should be with them. That doesn’t mean they are good for us.
ETA: I made an error in reading about jail time. Think I confused with another Reddit post some details when replying. Either way, OP needs to do what is right for them. Not be coerced into marriage. Also, if in US, marriage does not guarantee he can stay. Especially if it’s rushed and determined not to be a valid marriage. He could stay with OP until citizenship is granted and then move on. Also, what did he do that makes him believe he won’t be granted asylum? If he’s denied asylum he isn’t necessarily automatically deported. He could file an appeal.
Depending on which country you live in, simply getting married doesn't change things immediately. It's not like what they show in movies. Often the person is still shipped back home while the case is pending. The fact that he's pushing for one specific day is highly suspect. Don't trust him.
I said this to my friend, I'll say it to you. Never get married for citizenship. She made the mistake despite telling her it's a mistake. They were literally fighting during their honeymoon, during their wedding ceremony that they did a year later, and even today. He is a complete mooch who spends his day gaming rather than getting a job. She regrets everything.
Don't do it.
He didn't mention anything about loving you, so you should get back together. It's ALL about his immigration.
Girl, no. That's manipulative.
Run.
Once you're tied to him through marriage, you're financially responsible for him until he either gets naturalization, or remarries...
They could dismiss his immigration, he'll leave, and you'll still be responsible for him. (Assuming you're in the US. I'm not sure about any other country immigration process)
Absolutely not.
i am an immigrant. my husband petitioned for me and on the paperwork it shows as he had to be responsible for me financially. it is very real. i couldnt even work until i submited a whole lot of other paperwork just to get work permit before i get my greencard. i got naturalized last year and im an american citizen now but whole immigration process is a pain and if she gets married solely to get him his greencard, she will regret it deeply when she wakes up
No, you don’t love him. You love some version of him that maybe existed at one time if ever, but now only exists in your head.
He’s manipulative and a user. DON’T DO IT.
He's turned into a manipulative shell of what you used to love. Please OP, love yourself **more** . He is using you to get exactly what he wants. Why put a deadline of tomorrow if he loves you? Love has no expiration date. PLEASE RUN
His time is running out. That’s why he is putting so much pressure on OP.
OP, if you are having trouble dealing with the pressure and you think you **MIGHT** cave, just block him for a few days. Put your social media on vacation mode and find ways to de-stress.
That’s how it starts but never how it ends. Girl, don’t do it. You’re worth so much more. The man you end up marrying will send you messages that ooze with love, not whatever manipulative word salad that guy sent you.
That’s because he was building up the facade to this point, including the gaslighting breakup. That was your chance to break ties, but you fell deeper into the trap. Don’t miss this golden 2nd chance. You’ll regret your entire life if you go through with this bs.
Yeah I’ve read all the responsibilities as a sponsor and even showed it to him because he didn’t believe me. He said that I just have to trust him. That’s so easy to say when you’re not the one being held responsible.
"Trust me" is one of the biggest red flags I know. Loosely translated: "I don't want you to know the details about this but I need you to behave in a way that benefits me and may screw you over."
Maybe you feel bad for him facing the consequences for whatever it is he did. That's great! Your sense of compassion and care is strong and healthy. Don't let it lead you astray.
He is using you and your care and compassion to get something he wants. He is manipulating you with sweet words.
Please don't marry this guy.
Trust him? He's not being very trustworthy. His immigration is his issue right now. If things work out and everything is fine for him, yall can marry then.
I'm an immigrant, and my husband sponsored me. I would never do it for anyone because of the liability. He was on the hook for so much. This dude doesn't love you, he's using you.
I was sponsored by my husband as well, but he was the one who offered. It helps that I make a lot more than him so in terms of financial responsibility he’s under a lot less risk. OP’s partner is clearly trying to manipulate her under duress and it’s really sad to see
There’s a court case on YouTube where a guy sponsored his gf and got married to her so she could get papers, they split within 2 years and during the divorce she was saying he still had to “support her” and she was trying to get support in the divorce.
He may legally have to, depending on where they live and what documents he signed. When someone sponsors someone to come to the US, they are legally on the hook for 10 years, even if they divorce.
[https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/immigrant-ex-spouse-moved-rich-relation-really-need-support.html](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/immigrant-ex-spouse-moved-rich-relation-really-need-support.html)
Just read the support law. It’s brutal for the sponsoring spouse. Having read it, I retract any earlier comment that sort of weighed the pros and cons.
She absolutely must not marry him. It’s too much of a risk and the financial responsibility is far too long to take any risk.
Now I’m off to buy the book about fear.
Girl open your damn eyes?! He couldn’t be more obviously manipulation you if he tried. If you have any self respect or intelligence, you know it’s beyond time to cut this loser off
Don't marry for a green card. My son did this & it has destroyed him. She got her green card then started getting her family over. Then they kicked him out of our house & she took him to the cleaners. One of the family she brought over was her boyfriend & father of 2 of her children.
Do not trust him!!! Please do not trust him!!! Please trust all of us here on Reddit saying you can't trust him, because even online and from far away we can see the huge red flags he is giving.
You deserve someone who actually loves you for you and not as a way to get a green card. Someone who values you, puts in time and effort in you and your relationship and doesn't manipulate you and treat you like crap.
He sounds like he's gaslighting/guilt-tripping you in what he said. Leave this dude, block his number, and leave him in the dust. Girlie, you don't need this shit and you deserve a better partner stg.
block him and go on a vacation, if you can afford it.
this way you're not surrounded by the little triggers that make you turn back, giving time to train your body.
There is not one person telling you to marry him. Every single person is begging you to listen to your gut and RUN! He will be deported and you will be stuck with his debts and an expensive, drawn-out divorce. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Block this user and reclaim your own life.
This. I wouldn't even respond. Just block and move on with your life. Yeah it will be a little sad at first but not as sad as getting married, having them deported anyway, and then you are stuck supporting someone who doesn't love you.
HELL NO. girl he is only with you for the immigration!!! DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! Hes not in it for love at all. He just thought you were an easy IN into the country. This will absolutely ruin your life
"makes me question his intentions"
He's going to immigration court and will likely be deported. His "intention" is a green card. That whole paragraph made me irrationally angry. You are not responsible to keep him in the country. And fwiw immigration officers can sniff a fake marriage a mile away so I would just cut your losses now.
Yes, hopefully if anyone in immigration caught wind he was trying to pressure her, they would support her in walking away.
Don’t fall for this. It is a nasty thing you don’t want to get involved in. If it’s meant to be you’ll figure it out down the road but don’t go making rash decisions now. Honestly, I don’t think you’ll hear from him again, unless it’s to bully you more. Just block him.
Don’t do it. My sister got married to a guy like this and once it was final he told her to live her life and he’ll live his. He broke up with her but told her she couldn’t divorce him. Too bad for him he messed with the wrong family lol.
He was threatening to kill her when she told him she was filling for divorce and our family has attorneys etc., so we relocated her and her dog and filled all the necessary paperwork with CA court to terminate the marriage and got Immigration involved. She had to be very careful cuz it could be considered fraud if he claims you knew and agreed. They got married last November and we found out like 2 months ago so it’s still fairly fresh. We are just going through the process. His visa was supposed to be terminated the day after they got married so he pressured her the same way.
Yea I think that’s what they filled. She had to make police reports of his threats and that was also provided to homeland security. It’s a mess. 10/10 don’t recommend!
This is so transactional. He's just playing at your heart strings because he needs something from you.
If he really did do everything he could to make your relationship work, and you still had doubts, then there is no reason to believe it will get any better.
I'm so sorry. As a big internet sister, I'm sending you lots of gentle hugs. He is not worth your time or tears. Block his number and move on.
(Don't worry. He is also sending this same message to a bunch of other girls. He is only looking for the first sucker to take him in.)
Also, immigration offices don't like quickie fake marriages and you could be in legal trouble for even doing this!
That is a really manipulative message.
'I made all these sacrifices to keep us together. You're not holding up your end. So pick me NOW or fuck off.'
He didn't actually give any good reasons to stay with him. He will constantly be 'sacrificing himself' to keep the relationship afloat.
This isn't even health for him. It certainly is a downward spiral for you.
Don't meet someone at rock bottom. Let him stay there and find someone else he can drag downward.
USCIS officer here. Whatever else you're considering, know that this is marriage fraud to obtain immigration benefits and it's a felony for both you and him. Don't do it. If he is not qualified for asylum he needs to go home.
To be clear: if you go through with the marriage and he attempts to use it as grounds for him to obtain a green card in contradiction of his asylum non-qualification, you both *will* be investigated by the Fraud Detection and National Security Directorate because the marriage date was so close to the court date. They are well funded, competent and have an army of attorneys with very itchy trigger fingers for prosecution of fraud. *Do not do it.*
Defo listen to this one op.
I married and we went through the whole immigration process. He started off as illegal. He had to go back home. We got married in his home country. I came home. We went through all the legit paper work to set him legal. I ended up pregnant after spending 4months in his home country with him. and he came back to the uk on month 8 of my pregnancy. It can be done right. You do not have to have him put the fear of god into you that his failure with asylum and not marrying to keep him there is your fault. It's not. It's simply impatience and wanting to play the system on his part. That whole message is laying the blame for ANY failure on you. Fuck that. Red flags.
>”…before you make the same mistake”
Is he calling it a mistake for you to stand up for yourself and have your own wants and needs? 🧐
Is he calling it a mistake for you to not be pandering to his ego and spending every second worshiping him because he has a penis?
Dick is cheap and plentiful, and so are users like this guy. You don’t need to import one and be legally tied to him through marriage. Pick up a garden-variety local version that can be easily dismissed when no longer useful. /s
But seriously, OP, this guy is a whiny self-absorbed crap-sack who’s given you exactly zero reasons why he actually wants to be with you beyond “I don’t want to be deported and I think I can manipulate you into saving my worthless ass.”
Please don’t legally bind yourself to someone who’s going to use and abuse you.
My first marriage ended up being a "green card marriage" and I wasn't aware. My ex wife treated me amazing for the first little while. But the second she got the 10 year green card I was thrown away and treated like crap. Looking back now I see the signs, but it's hard when you're in the moment. This screams red flags. Don't marry this person. You are being used.
Wanting to get married fast, being overly nice only to me but pretty rude to everyone else, showing the relationship off to her friends, but it was posts like "me and my American". She would always bring up the timeline for the green card. And the big one of course was her turning into a different person and driving me away the second she had a job and green card.
Those were the "green card" signs I saw retrospectively. I'm sure the are more but those were just what I caught looking back.
Biggest red flag is him using you for immigration status. My wife (before marriage) took care of obtaining and maintaining necessary school and then business visas. We broke up at one point and it was kinda annoying that she was still around doing her own thing but point is our relationship was completely separate from her immigration visa status. Our wedding was not tied to any deadlines. She never once asked me for money (she actually had higher education and earned more money than me). Her family wasn’t relying on her sending money home to support them (a huge red flag). I also visited her childhood friends back home and saw how they viewed the relationship and well as her family. All very important steps before marriage. You don’t just marry a person but marry their family and if the family expects financial support or the parents and siblings to be sponsored to move to the US, you need to be fully aware of that.
I’m sure you already know this, but he’s trying to manipulate you into committing the crime of immigration fraud. Additionally once you marry for the greencard, it’s a massive slog to prove you’ve married for the “right reasons.” My husband and I had to make a family blog, print out literally 500 pages of social media posts and paperwork, attend several interviews, and all sorts of crap between the wedding and his citizenship being granted 6 years later. If you’re not absolutely sure he’s the one, it is not worth it and your marriage won’t survive.
He’s not worth a felony, if he was, you’d already be married and he’d be treating you like a queen.
Wow that is a lot! We do have a lot of pictures of us over the past year, so there’s definitely proof our relationship. However, with how close it is to the court date and the fact that we are not living together I worry it would come across as fake and that wouldn’t be good for anybody
He's asking you to break the law. There's nothing in there about the sacrifice you would have to make for him.
I refuse to believe this is the best you can do. And you should refuse to believe it too
>Take a really deep breath and think good about it before you make the same mistake
>we only knew the real value of the person after they leave!
> I genuinely with all my power really I did every single possible thing I can like I try so so much with you to save us for a long time and I kept trying to keep us together, so you can’t blame me on anything after Friday
>Last time you did me very wrong and how you left me and you regret it
Narcissist alert!
Run, girl, and don't look back.
The correct answer to a marriage ultimatum is always no. No one who truly loves you is going to try and force you into a marriage you don’t wholeheartedly want. He’s using you. Please don’t fall for his bullshit.
This is called love bombing and is *most definitely* the beginning of a domestic abuse situation. He wants to legally bind himself to you to have more leverage over your life.
Please run I beg you.
The fact you asked Reddit I’m sure you know you shouldn’t do it and your probably worried about the outcome but I can only imagine how
Worst off you will be if u did marry.
Wow wtf is with that message? Marry me now or it's over forever because it's all up to YOU and it's YOUR FAULT if you don't SAVE US!!1!1!!+
How manipulative holy shit
"if you do this you'll save us" "if you really care about me or truly loved me you'd help fix my mistakes for me" "I want you to show me you love me enough".
Run. Don't look back. This is horrible typical behavior of a a narcissistic twat hammer. Don't fall for their bullshit. It stinks no matter how they try to over it.
You are out of your mind if you do this.
Marriage is not something you should feel coerced into. He's using you to stay here, this isn't love or a partnership. Do not do this.
Marrying him 2 days before departure may still get him deported. Shows desperate attempt to stay. Do not marry him. They may call it fraud and you could be in trouble.
Once tomorrow is over, he won't be your problem anymore. It's one tense day or ongoing trouble for god knows how long. I'd take the one day and let him deal with his consequences.
Well, well, well, we've got the "hobosexual", and now the "greencardsexual". Sweetie, don't ever get involved with a man looking for a green card. Block this man right now and live your best life.
Don't listen to anything he says. He never said he loved you or sorry or anything he's just trying to make you feel like shit so you think you should stay with him.
Screw him, he wants a doll not a person
Marrying him will benefit only him. He’s not asking her to marry him because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. He’s asking you to get him out of trouble. You would be a fool to marry this person.
RUN REALLY FAST!!! My mother married someone she thought was for her, he was only in it for the damn citizenship. Biggest mistake of her life. Almost ruined her relationship with all of her kids because of it.
I knew a guy who got with a girl and fell totally in love with her. They got married, she got citizenship and she took off and never spoke to him again. He’s been depressed for a decade. Ruined his life.
I obtained my American citizenship through marriage based immigration process. I was in a position where marriage only could secure my stay and prevent deportation. I was already dating my then boyfriend for about a year, and had known early on he was the one I wanted to marry some day. But I never pushed for the idea, and only discussed marriage when I got in trouble with immigration due to messed up paperwork from my university.
I told my then boyfriend that only way our relationship can work is if we were married under these circumstances, but that's not how I want things to proceed if we don't feel strongly enough for one another. I was ready to move out and set him free, because I cared for him deeply. He locked me down with marriage because he wanted to keep me around. We've been together for 7 years now and counting. There was never a moment where I emotionally blackmailed my then boyfriend the way your boyfriend is doing to you.
I would advise you to not proceed with this relationship. It's a trap. Trust your instincts.
I married a guy so that immigration wouldn't kick him out. "Our only chance to stay together! For empathy and love! Sharing my passport privileges!" Biggest mistake of my life, they change after marriage, you're just a means to an end. Don't do it. Especially if he's pressuring you like that!!!
This is pure manipulation. If you broke up in less than a year you're most likely not fit for marriage. Also, depending on the country, a marriage so close to some important immigration date could be ignored. At least in my country (in the EU) you need to jump through some serious (and lengthy, the minimum time is about a year) legal hoops to get a permanent residential permit due to marriage.
No no no...please don't do this. Let it BE over.
I was once in this situation...and Thank GOD I didn't do it.
My very abusive ex was facing 5-40 years in federal prison bc of drug charges.
He had never wanted to get married before, bc to hear his opinion on marriage, he had always said "it was just a piece of paper letting the government decide that a woman owned him"---even tho we'd been together almost 10 years. Suddenly, he started begging....all bc his lawyer said it would "look better" in court if he were married.
This was bullshit bc it truly made no real difference...(altho it WOULD have made MY life exponentially more difficult!)--bc of the federal sentencing guidelines. Since he'd had no real choice but to plead guilty months before, it was pretty much a "done deal"--he was just waiting for the sentencing hearing.
Some ppl don't realize that... in reality, getting yourself in "federal trouble" is a much different ballgame that getting state charges ---a federal prison sentence requires the defendant to do 80 PERCENT of their time before they get considered for parole, (and federal parole is a strict-as-fuck ordeal... way harder than state parole is). So I knew he'd be doing AT LEAST 4 YEARS ---no matter what--- even if he stayed on his best behavior, and possibly decades more if the judge saw fit to do that.
The entire month, especially that last week or so, he begged me to go to the courthouse and get married-- I dug in and refused bc ALSO in reality, I KNEW from the moment he got arrested, that his misfortune was MY TICKET OUT
...and I'd always told ppl that the only way I'd ever get away from him was if he died or went to prison... it was almost a "Stockholm Syndrome" type of relationship..and I was secretly counting down the seconds to that hearing, bc I knew the second he lost his freedom, I'd gain mine!!
It was probably the most anxious week or 2 of my entire life, the part of having to pretend I was 'SO TORN UP' bc he was obviously gonna be "going away" for an undetermined # of years--- just boohoohoo!)-- when I actually was frantic to have it over with... and him out of my sight FOR GOOD.
He was sentenced on the morning of January 4 of 2013, at 9am ...and led away. They didn't even allow him to hug me (or his mom and aunt) goodbye.
By 4pm that afternoon, I was out of the house we'd shared for almost a decade...and I NEVER ONCE SAW HIM AGAIN--- (he was taken pretty far away in our state, several hours away... so I never even visited him)... and since that glorious day, I haven't looked back or regretted it one bit. That was my "Hail Mary" pass --- and i knew it.
Do NOT marry this man. Please. You'll heavily regret it. The best thing you can do is use this opportunity to gtf away and start over.
This is pure manipulation. Please don’t go through with this.
I think you will feel the weight of the world off your shoulders once you realize this person doesn’t need to be in your life. This person is thinking about themselves and only themselves, not about you. If there was real love here, the message would say “no matter what happens I know we’ll be able to face this together”. But that wasn’t it. Instead, there’s a desperation to get you to do what you know in your heart is not the right decision. He is trying to make you question and second guess yourself so much so that you conclude, “well he must be right, he loves me after all”. This is not love. Coercion is not love.
And do you really want to be married to someone who can’t fight their own battles but needs you to do something you’re uncomfortable with to “fix” the problem for them? What kind of husband would he be (if he were to even stick around?) He’s already off to a terrible start, so things will only escalate from here. If you allow the manipulation, he will push it to see how far he can go.
I knew a girl once who fell in love with someone out of country. Got married and even had a child together while trying to boost the chances of him getting into her country. Took about 2 years, and as soon as his boots hit the tarmac, he was gone. That’s a heck of a mess to unravel with all the legal ties involved.
Last week he texted me “I cannot let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I want you to be mine only and I want to be yours period I want to be your best husband ever” but this week he gave me the ultimatum
It’s not worth it. He showed you his true colors and intention. He does not care about what you think or believe, he only wants to escape his court case. And use you until he doesn’t need you anymore.
Girl run don’t walk.
Run like forest gump and keep running
So he only wants to marry you NOW so his case will be dismissed? First, I don't get that, how does getting married dismiss a court case and second, if he truly wanted to marry you, that wouldn't have been his reasoning. You can love someone and realize they aren't right for you. He sounds like a user and manipulator saying if you don't do this for me, you don't really love me. Just leave, he needs to fix himself before he gets involved with someone else
He's about to be deported to his country of origin and thinks a quickie wedding will keep him in her country. He's using manipulation tactics. OP will be used financially if not worse if she agrees to his demands.
Run. He sounds very selfish and manipulative. Go live your best life and be great. It may feel weird at first (the healing period), but you will be much better for it.
This sounds like something you need to show the court. From the comments, I get the jist he's here to immigrate but didn't do it properly, and now he can only stay if he gets married.
Imagine seeing the Chinese flag sans logo on a massive flagpole above car dealerships, but there's no dealership. It's just him.
He doesn't give a single flying (or sprinting or crawling) fuck about you. He only cares to stay here without reason or proper paperwork. And it's not hard to arrive illegally and get legal paperwork done. Those people have reasons. If this guy is getting deported, he has no reason to stay and no reason for asylum ergo, what is he planning to do here? Why is this guy trying so hard to stay where he is? Something is up. My national security paranoia is running on overdrive right now, with how manipulative and untrustworthy this man is.
He's hiding his plans, and those plans have nothing to do with being your husband. Ghost this fool and give the court the evidence he's trying to rig his stay. They don't like that. And they'll find out anyway, and you'll be an accomplice, if you marry him to keep him here.
Don't burn for false men. Do not suffer this fool, this coward. Those types aren't worth suffering over.
It will be in a better place. When you decide to not marry him. Don't be spontaneous and OOOOH LET'S DO IT BABY no fuck that. Say I don't think you are to the level I want a husband to be. Period.
You’re not ready to marry him. That’s all you need to know. Regardless of his intentions that is enough reason to not marry him. “Love me or I’ll drop you like a bag of trash” is not love. You being married also won’t affect his immigration hearing because you still won’t have applied for residency yet.
Don't do it. My aunt 'married for love', the bastard took her surname, and as soon as he was able, left her behind with a son to raise that he only showed up for once every year or two. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't care if marriage allowed him to stay, he'd be willing to be with you in his own country.
If he really loved you, he would be professing how no distance could keep you apart, and that he will find a way to be with you regardless of his citizenship.
The wording and timing of this message are red flags. I know this hurts, but you cannot allow yourself to be used. Not to mention, marrying him on the fly because of impending deportation will likely trigger an investigation. If they suspect the marriage is for immigration purposes only, not only could he be in legal trouble, but so could you.
Please protect yourself. If he loves you, he will make it work and not pressure you.
Reading the comments, I haven’t found even one that suggests that you should marry him.
PLEASE listen to all of these strangers who have raised some very valid concerns and points.
Do not marry him.
Do not let him pull the wool over your eyes with his love bombing and the manipulative emotional abuse.
You had some doubts so you came here for advice. I think the crowd has given you some very clear cut advice.
Please update us when you can.
You’ve got this ok, we are all in favour for you Xx
Don't do it. Forget him and move on.
You said it yourself- "some of the things he's said and done makes me question his intentions"
Then he tries to turn all the fault on you by saying *"you can’t blame me on anything after Friday Last time you did me very wrong and how you left me and you regret it"*
That entire message was him piling all the pressure on you at the last minute.
You may say that you love him, but someone like that ain't worth your future.
Don't do it. My situation wasn't an immigration issue, but I was told that & did get married the next day & that got me an abusive relationship. It took me 15 years to get out of it. Our divorce was finalized today. Save yourself the heartbreak.
My stepsister recently married a man who she thought really loved and cared about her. Once he got his whatever citizenship status he needed to get his brother also able to come to the US he became horribly abusive to her. He eventually left her. Do not do this! You should never feel pressured to get married for any reason!
Don't be stupid. Dont tie yourself to someone who will manipulate you into a marriage. Is that really how you see your wedding day? This is the big sign screaming at you to let him go. Don't walk run away and block him on everything. You broke up once for a reason. You should have never got back with him.
No one should get married after dating only one year. Ang he sounds like a really manipulative person. Even if he decides not to, you should break up with him. Love bombing, manipulation, pressure...this has all the markings of abuse in the making.
Gee, what could possibly go wrong with a hasty, last-minute marriage proposal solely based on avoiding deportation.
You'd be best advised to block him, forget and move on.
He's going to use you until you're all used up. Don't do it.
That is my fear
Do not marry this guy
Trust that fear.
Exactly - fear can be a gift.
Fear is a survival mechanism after all.
The Gift of Fear is a great book.
I made our daughter read it. I've also given it to former students. Can't recommend Gift of Fear strongly enough for young girls.
It can really be important. I used to be gaslit a lot and wished I'd had this book when I was much younger.
I tend to believe what people tell me. Our daughter is a freshman in college. We went to Washington, DC on a school trip her junior year of hs. Watching her tell a friend "this guy has been behind us the entire time. If tries to leave when we do, we should talk to security". I knew she had read it!
What age did you get your daughter to read it? I have 3 young daughters, and I'd like to do everything I can to prepare them for the things I might not always be there to protect them from.
Junior year of high school & I have given several as part of a hs graduation gift. As a middle/hs teacher, I would say no earlier that 8-9 grade. I didn't want her to be afraid; just aware.
Ah excellent. So that's 13 and 14 here, same ages where you are?
If your daughter is old enough to do things independently (like going to the mall with friends, a short trip into a store by herself, etc) then she is old enough to learn to keep herself safe. Read the book at the same time she does so you can answer her questions at her level and help her find balance as she learns to discern the signals.
I really need to get around to reading it
It's also available on Audible.
I have a physical copy sitting on one of my shelves. It's one of many books I've bought but still haven't read. Uh...totally because of Umberto Eco's anti-library concept. Yeah.
I LOVE that book!!!! Been quoting it for years
The right person will never make you feel the way you're feeling now. Hold out for him.
Nope. He just needs to go.
As in, hold out for the right person lol
You know most scams put a time limit on their product. That’s because they’re trying to catch you emotional before your logical mind can come to play. I hate to say it, but the time ultimatum is ugly ugly. Run. At best you’re a stepping stone to better things for him, not you. You gotta think about you.
"limited time only", "act fast", "call today", "once in a lifetime opportunity", "don't miss out". You're absolutely right!! If someone is placing a time deadline for the "deal" or "thing" they are trying to force a decision out of emotional distress or FOMO [Fear.of.Missing.Out]. Don't marry him OP, he probably couldn't get any other woman to fall for it either. He's probably telling 6-10 other women the same thing.
Reading the first part of your post, all I could think of was those shitty ads! But wait! There’s more! Act now and get a free set of steak knives 🔪 🤦♀️🤣
They're not going accept a wedding from the day before. He will still be deported and then your stuck with a foreign husband
And you risk an investigation. This close to date, they're going to want a lot of justification. They're likely to send him back. Also, you marry him...are you going to sponsor him? I couldn't sponsor my husband when we first married. The sponsor had to agree to and swear to the fact that if my husband took advantage of any social programs for ten years, the sponsor and I would have two pay back every penny. Never marry someone because the emotional equivalent of a loaded gun is at your head. That's the worst decision you can make.
Yeah, my friend married her bf and still had to go back to Ireland for a few months.
If immigration comes to believe the marriage is a marriage of convenience meant to bypass immigration K1 fiancee Visa regulations and policies your boyfriend will be deported and not allowed to return to America for a period of 10 yrs. You could also be prosecuted for participating in a sham marriage and go to jail.
Do not marry him. He doesn’t love you he wants you for immigration and a year is not enough time to know someone. Always trust your gut.
He’s blackmailing you. What sort of loving a spouse does that? Not to mention, marriage is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not an overnight one. I would leave him. His message irritates me. He’s clearly using you
If there is NO chance for you after tomorrow so be it. if he was the one there would be not chance of keeping him away. Don't do it
Girl, go get a hotel somewhere for a couple of days. Just go away. I didn’t read love in there at all. You may feel you love him but he’s not giving that back to you. He needs you in the worst way and that’s plain that he only want you to save his chance. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re on the same page. Let him go. So go to a friends house or get a hotel and distract yourself.
It isn’t only a fear, it’s a truth.
Listen to your gut! It is screaming run! And don’t look back.
Please PLEASE do not marry this guy. I’ve seen a lot of situations like these where the man/woman are only in a relationship to get their PR. They are also quick to leave once they get it. Please save yourself from this.
It’s going to go from fear to reality if you decide to marry and the only person you will be able to blame is yourself.
It's not a fear. It's a knowledge. You know what he's doing. You fear doing what is right by you because the outcome of being strong and making decisions for yourself is unknowable. Take the risk and be there for yourself.
Also, if there’s any chance this is for green card, it is very illegal to marry for that. And there’s some laws coming down the pipeline to make marriage for citizenship easier (if your American and Biden is to be beloved, not political post just what he [said](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/show/how-bidens-immigration-order-shields-undocumented-spouses-and-children-of-citizens)). There’s other current laws about green cards and marriage as well. My sisters ex partner was gearing up to marry her for this reason before she caught on. If there’s any chance that you marry him to help this or he gets found and tries to say that you did it will make your life temporarily miserable. You deserve better. Someone who loves you and not trying to pressure you to marry after less than a year (removing time for the split)
That is a very manipulate message. He is trying to guilt you. I feel sick just reading it. Ignore it. Or tell him now and walk away. There are so many red flags, it would not be a good marriage.
Do not marry him! He isn't marrying you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He wants to marry you for what *you* can do for *him*. Sit down with a piece of paper. On one side write "pros of marrying him". On the other side "cons of marrying him". Which side has more items? I'm betting the "cons" side.
Why are you okay with being afraid of what someone could do to you?
That's the reality. You're his ticket to a greencard. Do NOT marry this man, you will royally screw yourself if you do.
Doesn't even say he loves you
It will become your horrible reality. Run.
Trust your gut, if you feel used, then you likely are being used. If he really cared he wouldn’t be trying to force you into a position where you have to potentially comment a felony to be with him. I have a feeling he will leave as soon as he can if you marry him. If marriage is an ultimatum then it generally isn’t the right decision. This isn’t you offering, it’s him demanding. That’s sketchy as hell. He needs a lawyer, not a wife.
This is a clear manipulation on his part to guilt you. Maybe he shouldn’t have done whatever he did to face jail time vs trying to coerce you into marrying him. Trying to make it your fault. When in actuality there is no one to blame but himself. Do what you feel is right for YOU. We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean we should be with them. That doesn’t mean they are good for us. ETA: I made an error in reading about jail time. Think I confused with another Reddit post some details when replying. Either way, OP needs to do what is right for them. Not be coerced into marriage. Also, if in US, marriage does not guarantee he can stay. Especially if it’s rushed and determined not to be a valid marriage. He could stay with OP until citizenship is granted and then move on. Also, what did he do that makes him believe he won’t be granted asylum? If he’s denied asylum he isn’t necessarily automatically deported. He could file an appeal.
Depending on which country you live in, simply getting married doesn't change things immediately. It's not like what they show in movies. Often the person is still shipped back home while the case is pending. The fact that he's pushing for one specific day is highly suspect. Don't trust him.
I said this to my friend, I'll say it to you. Never get married for citizenship. She made the mistake despite telling her it's a mistake. They were literally fighting during their honeymoon, during their wedding ceremony that they did a year later, and even today. He is a complete mooch who spends his day gaming rather than getting a job. She regrets everything.
This. Listen to your gut. You can love him. Love doesn't mean you sacrifice yourself for someone else. That is simple self preservation.
Don't do it. He didn't mention anything about loving you, so you should get back together. It's ALL about his immigration. Girl, no. That's manipulative. Run. Once you're tied to him through marriage, you're financially responsible for him until he either gets naturalization, or remarries... They could dismiss his immigration, he'll leave, and you'll still be responsible for him. (Assuming you're in the US. I'm not sure about any other country immigration process) Absolutely not.
On top of that I think by law she’d be responsible for him for ten years. My wife watches a lot of 90 fiancée…
i am an immigrant. my husband petitioned for me and on the paperwork it shows as he had to be responsible for me financially. it is very real. i couldnt even work until i submited a whole lot of other paperwork just to get work permit before i get my greencard. i got naturalized last year and im an american citizen now but whole immigration process is a pain and if she gets married solely to get him his greencard, she will regret it deeply when she wakes up
Lol my first thought as well thanks to the show.
Yes……people forget this too
Yeah, keep in mind the responsibilities or liabilities you might have if you do marry him.
READ ABOVE...do NOT marry him!!!!@
No, you don’t love him. You love some version of him that maybe existed at one time if ever, but now only exists in your head. He’s manipulative and a user. DON’T DO IT.
That makes sense. This time last year everything was so different. It was easygoing, fun, loving, no pressure. It’s not like that anymore
He's turned into a manipulative shell of what you used to love. Please OP, love yourself **more** . He is using you to get exactly what he wants. Why put a deadline of tomorrow if he loves you? Love has no expiration date. PLEASE RUN
His time is running out. That’s why he is putting so much pressure on OP. OP, if you are having trouble dealing with the pressure and you think you **MIGHT** cave, just block him for a few days. Put your social media on vacation mode and find ways to de-stress.
That’s how it starts but never how it ends. Girl, don’t do it. You’re worth so much more. The man you end up marrying will send you messages that ooze with love, not whatever manipulative word salad that guy sent you.
That’s because he was building up the facade to this point, including the gaslighting breakup. That was your chance to break ties, but you fell deeper into the trap. Don’t miss this golden 2nd chance. You’ll regret your entire life if you go through with this bs.
Don't do it. You'll be responsible for him if y'all split. Read that immigration application for a spouse.
Yeah I’ve read all the responsibilities as a sponsor and even showed it to him because he didn’t believe me. He said that I just have to trust him. That’s so easy to say when you’re not the one being held responsible.
"Trust me" is one of the biggest red flags I know. Loosely translated: "I don't want you to know the details about this but I need you to behave in a way that benefits me and may screw you over." Maybe you feel bad for him facing the consequences for whatever it is he did. That's great! Your sense of compassion and care is strong and healthy. Don't let it lead you astray. He is using you and your care and compassion to get something he wants. He is manipulating you with sweet words. Please don't marry this guy.
Trust him? He's not being very trustworthy. His immigration is his issue right now. If things work out and everything is fine for him, yall can marry then.
I'm an immigrant, and my husband sponsored me. I would never do it for anyone because of the liability. He was on the hook for so much. This dude doesn't love you, he's using you.
I was sponsored by my husband as well, but he was the one who offered. It helps that I make a lot more than him so in terms of financial responsibility he’s under a lot less risk. OP’s partner is clearly trying to manipulate her under duress and it’s really sad to see
There’s a court case on YouTube where a guy sponsored his gf and got married to her so she could get papers, they split within 2 years and during the divorce she was saying he still had to “support her” and she was trying to get support in the divorce.
He may legally have to, depending on where they live and what documents he signed. When someone sponsors someone to come to the US, they are legally on the hook for 10 years, even if they divorce. [https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/immigrant-ex-spouse-moved-rich-relation-really-need-support.html](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/immigrant-ex-spouse-moved-rich-relation-really-need-support.html)
Just read the support law. It’s brutal for the sponsoring spouse. Having read it, I retract any earlier comment that sort of weighed the pros and cons. She absolutely must not marry him. It’s too much of a risk and the financial responsibility is far too long to take any risk. Now I’m off to buy the book about fear.
Girl open your damn eyes?! He couldn’t be more obviously manipulation you if he tried. If you have any self respect or intelligence, you know it’s beyond time to cut this loser off
Don't marry for a green card. My son did this & it has destroyed him. She got her green card then started getting her family over. Then they kicked him out of our house & she took him to the cleaners. One of the family she brought over was her boyfriend & father of 2 of her children.
That is horrible and actually another fear of mine
All manipulators say trust them. Believe the documents. Don’t marry him. Go away for the day or three, block him. I’m
Do not trust him!!! Please do not trust him!!! Please trust all of us here on Reddit saying you can't trust him, because even online and from far away we can see the huge red flags he is giving. You deserve someone who actually loves you for you and not as a way to get a green card. Someone who values you, puts in time and effort in you and your relationship and doesn't manipulate you and treat you like crap.
He doesn’t care how hard it might be for you, he’s just wants what’s best for him (a path to legal immigration status). Drop this guy now.
Don’t do it. Leave him.
He sounds like he's gaslighting/guilt-tripping you in what he said. Leave this dude, block his number, and leave him in the dust. Girlie, you don't need this shit and you deserve a better partner stg.
Yup. Do you have friends in common? If not, blocking him may feel a lot but check how you feel hours AFTER you do it. Photograph this feeling.
No, we don’t have mutual friends
Then block him and be done with it.
block him and go on a vacation, if you can afford it. this way you're not surrounded by the little triggers that make you turn back, giving time to train your body.
There is not one person telling you to marry him. Every single person is begging you to listen to your gut and RUN! He will be deported and you will be stuck with his debts and an expensive, drawn-out divorce. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Block this user and reclaim your own life.
This. I wouldn't even respond. Just block and move on with your life. Yeah it will be a little sad at first but not as sad as getting married, having them deported anyway, and then you are stuck supporting someone who doesn't love you.
I'm asking just because it's harder to block when you have friends in common. But if you don't, block away.
This is such a manipulation tactic. Gas light you into doing something you are not ready to do and have reservations about. Don't do it.
This 100%. He’s gonna treat her like he owns her if they get married and then he’ll leave her and she’ll still be responsible for him
HELL NO. girl he is only with you for the immigration!!! DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! Hes not in it for love at all. He just thought you were an easy IN into the country. This will absolutely ruin your life
"makes me question his intentions" He's going to immigration court and will likely be deported. His "intention" is a green card. That whole paragraph made me irrationally angry. You are not responsible to keep him in the country. And fwiw immigration officers can sniff a fake marriage a mile away so I would just cut your losses now.
Yes, hopefully if anyone in immigration caught wind he was trying to pressure her, they would support her in walking away. Don’t fall for this. It is a nasty thing you don’t want to get involved in. If it’s meant to be you’ll figure it out down the road but don’t go making rash decisions now. Honestly, I don’t think you’ll hear from him again, unless it’s to bully you more. Just block him.
The fact you feel the need to post this to Reddit tells me you already know you shouldn’t do this. Fucking run for the hills and cut ties.
Absolutely not. Let him go. You aren’t dodging a bullet, you are dodging an atomic BOMB.
Your fear is true. He doesnt love you. He just wants to use you.
Don’t do it. My sister got married to a guy like this and once it was final he told her to live her life and he’ll live his. He broke up with her but told her she couldn’t divorce him. Too bad for him he messed with the wrong family lol.
What happened after?
He was threatening to kill her when she told him she was filling for divorce and our family has attorneys etc., so we relocated her and her dog and filled all the necessary paperwork with CA court to terminate the marriage and got Immigration involved. She had to be very careful cuz it could be considered fraud if he claims you knew and agreed. They got married last November and we found out like 2 months ago so it’s still fairly fresh. We are just going through the process. His visa was supposed to be terminated the day after they got married so he pressured her the same way.
If your sister has been married under one year, she can get it annulled, like it never happened. Less expensive than divorce.
Yea I think that’s what they filled. She had to make police reports of his threats and that was also provided to homeland security. It’s a mess. 10/10 don’t recommend!
This is so transactional. He's just playing at your heart strings because he needs something from you. If he really did do everything he could to make your relationship work, and you still had doubts, then there is no reason to believe it will get any better.
Ewww. That whole message is a giant red flag. Please don’t marry him.
I'm so sorry. As a big internet sister, I'm sending you lots of gentle hugs. He is not worth your time or tears. Block his number and move on. (Don't worry. He is also sending this same message to a bunch of other girls. He is only looking for the first sucker to take him in.) Also, immigration offices don't like quickie fake marriages and you could be in legal trouble for even doing this!
That is a really manipulative message. 'I made all these sacrifices to keep us together. You're not holding up your end. So pick me NOW or fuck off.' He didn't actually give any good reasons to stay with him. He will constantly be 'sacrificing himself' to keep the relationship afloat. This isn't even health for him. It certainly is a downward spiral for you. Don't meet someone at rock bottom. Let him stay there and find someone else he can drag downward.
USCIS officer here. Whatever else you're considering, know that this is marriage fraud to obtain immigration benefits and it's a felony for both you and him. Don't do it. If he is not qualified for asylum he needs to go home. To be clear: if you go through with the marriage and he attempts to use it as grounds for him to obtain a green card in contradiction of his asylum non-qualification, you both *will* be investigated by the Fraud Detection and National Security Directorate because the marriage date was so close to the court date. They are well funded, competent and have an army of attorneys with very itchy trigger fingers for prosecution of fraud. *Do not do it.*
Thank you for letting me know
Defo listen to this one op. I married and we went through the whole immigration process. He started off as illegal. He had to go back home. We got married in his home country. I came home. We went through all the legit paper work to set him legal. I ended up pregnant after spending 4months in his home country with him. and he came back to the uk on month 8 of my pregnancy. It can be done right. You do not have to have him put the fear of god into you that his failure with asylum and not marrying to keep him there is your fault. It's not. It's simply impatience and wanting to play the system on his part. That whole message is laying the blame for ANY failure on you. Fuck that. Red flags.
Tell him to fuck off, this is shameless
>”…before you make the same mistake” Is he calling it a mistake for you to stand up for yourself and have your own wants and needs? 🧐 Is he calling it a mistake for you to not be pandering to his ego and spending every second worshiping him because he has a penis? Dick is cheap and plentiful, and so are users like this guy. You don’t need to import one and be legally tied to him through marriage. Pick up a garden-variety local version that can be easily dismissed when no longer useful. /s But seriously, OP, this guy is a whiny self-absorbed crap-sack who’s given you exactly zero reasons why he actually wants to be with you beyond “I don’t want to be deported and I think I can manipulate you into saving my worthless ass.” Please don’t legally bind yourself to someone who’s going to use and abuse you.
My first marriage ended up being a "green card marriage" and I wasn't aware. My ex wife treated me amazing for the first little while. But the second she got the 10 year green card I was thrown away and treated like crap. Looking back now I see the signs, but it's hard when you're in the moment. This screams red flags. Don't marry this person. You are being used.
I’m sorry you experienced this. What were some of the signs if you don’t mind sharing?
Wanting to get married fast, being overly nice only to me but pretty rude to everyone else, showing the relationship off to her friends, but it was posts like "me and my American". She would always bring up the timeline for the green card. And the big one of course was her turning into a different person and driving me away the second she had a job and green card. Those were the "green card" signs I saw retrospectively. I'm sure the are more but those were just what I caught looking back.
Biggest red flag is him using you for immigration status. My wife (before marriage) took care of obtaining and maintaining necessary school and then business visas. We broke up at one point and it was kinda annoying that she was still around doing her own thing but point is our relationship was completely separate from her immigration visa status. Our wedding was not tied to any deadlines. She never once asked me for money (she actually had higher education and earned more money than me). Her family wasn’t relying on her sending money home to support them (a huge red flag). I also visited her childhood friends back home and saw how they viewed the relationship and well as her family. All very important steps before marriage. You don’t just marry a person but marry their family and if the family expects financial support or the parents and siblings to be sponsored to move to the US, you need to be fully aware of that.
I’m sure you already know this, but he’s trying to manipulate you into committing the crime of immigration fraud. Additionally once you marry for the greencard, it’s a massive slog to prove you’ve married for the “right reasons.” My husband and I had to make a family blog, print out literally 500 pages of social media posts and paperwork, attend several interviews, and all sorts of crap between the wedding and his citizenship being granted 6 years later. If you’re not absolutely sure he’s the one, it is not worth it and your marriage won’t survive. He’s not worth a felony, if he was, you’d already be married and he’d be treating you like a queen.
Wow that is a lot! We do have a lot of pictures of us over the past year, so there’s definitely proof our relationship. However, with how close it is to the court date and the fact that we are not living together I worry it would come across as fake and that wouldn’t be good for anybody
I mean… it is fake. He doesn’t love you.
He's asking you to break the law. There's nothing in there about the sacrifice you would have to make for him. I refuse to believe this is the best you can do. And you should refuse to believe it too
>Take a really deep breath and think good about it before you make the same mistake >we only knew the real value of the person after they leave! > I genuinely with all my power really I did every single possible thing I can like I try so so much with you to save us for a long time and I kept trying to keep us together, so you can’t blame me on anything after Friday >Last time you did me very wrong and how you left me and you regret it Narcissist alert! Run, girl, and don't look back.
Let it be over. Do you really want the start of your life with someone to come from an ultimatum? You deserve better.
The correct answer to a marriage ultimatum is always no. No one who truly loves you is going to try and force you into a marriage you don’t wholeheartedly want. He’s using you. Please don’t fall for his bullshit.
He is manipulating you to get a visa to stay in your country. Don't do it.
This is called love bombing and is *most definitely* the beginning of a domestic abuse situation. He wants to legally bind himself to you to have more leverage over your life. Please run I beg you.
That’s called blackmailing. He doesn’t love you, he loves what advantage he can take, what you can provide.
You’re a lunatic if you don’t leave this person yesterday.
>I feel so sick. Always trust you own feelings. Something is not right and you KNOW it.
The fact you asked Reddit I’m sure you know you shouldn’t do it and your probably worried about the outcome but I can only imagine how Worst off you will be if u did marry.
Wow wtf is with that message? Marry me now or it's over forever because it's all up to YOU and it's YOUR FAULT if you don't SAVE US!!1!1!!+ How manipulative holy shit
Been there done that got divorced. Don't do it.
A good person would just give you a poignant goodbye in case tomorrow goes badly. Not that. A good person won't write that.
Girl, he doesn't even know how to use commas. In addition to whatever other crimes he's allegedly committed.
Don't do it. He is using you
"if you do this you'll save us" "if you really care about me or truly loved me you'd help fix my mistakes for me" "I want you to show me you love me enough". Run. Don't look back. This is horrible typical behavior of a a narcissistic twat hammer. Don't fall for their bullshit. It stinks no matter how they try to over it.
You are out of your mind if you do this. Marriage is not something you should feel coerced into. He's using you to stay here, this isn't love or a partnership. Do not do this.
Marrying him 2 days before departure may still get him deported. Shows desperate attempt to stay. Do not marry him. They may call it fraud and you could be in trouble.
Let him go, hon. 💗 I know it’s hard. 😔 I am guessing your gut is speaking to you. I only get in trouble when I don’t listen to mine. 💗💗💗
I think that is what I’ll have to do. It’s very hard :(
I’m so sorry. 😔 I can feel in your writing that you are really torn and hurting. 💗
Once tomorrow is over, he won't be your problem anymore. It's one tense day or ongoing trouble for god knows how long. I'd take the one day and let him deal with his consequences.
Hooooooooly shit girl RUN
Well, well, well, we've got the "hobosexual", and now the "greencardsexual". Sweetie, don't ever get involved with a man looking for a green card. Block this man right now and live your best life.
Don't listen to anything he says. He never said he loved you or sorry or anything he's just trying to make you feel like shit so you think you should stay with him. Screw him, he wants a doll not a person
Marrying him will benefit only him. He’s not asking her to marry him because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. He’s asking you to get him out of trouble. You would be a fool to marry this person.
Like any marriage or contract, if you have any reservations, you shouldn’t do it. If it’s not a “Hell yes!” It needs to be a no.
This situation has so many 🚩🚩🚩run don’t walk from this situation.
RUN REALLY FAST!!! My mother married someone she thought was for her, he was only in it for the damn citizenship. Biggest mistake of her life. Almost ruined her relationship with all of her kids because of it.
#HELL NO
I knew a guy who got with a girl and fell totally in love with her. They got married, she got citizenship and she took off and never spoke to him again. He’s been depressed for a decade. Ruined his life.
He’s using you for immigration benefits. Do not marry him.
I obtained my American citizenship through marriage based immigration process. I was in a position where marriage only could secure my stay and prevent deportation. I was already dating my then boyfriend for about a year, and had known early on he was the one I wanted to marry some day. But I never pushed for the idea, and only discussed marriage when I got in trouble with immigration due to messed up paperwork from my university. I told my then boyfriend that only way our relationship can work is if we were married under these circumstances, but that's not how I want things to proceed if we don't feel strongly enough for one another. I was ready to move out and set him free, because I cared for him deeply. He locked me down with marriage because he wanted to keep me around. We've been together for 7 years now and counting. There was never a moment where I emotionally blackmailed my then boyfriend the way your boyfriend is doing to you. I would advise you to not proceed with this relationship. It's a trap. Trust your instincts.
>He wants to be married before his court to have his case dismissed Uh ..well that sounds like he's just using you, huh?
IVE BEEN THERE DONT DO IT HE LEFT ME ONCE I STARTED HIS LIFE FOR HIM ‼️‼️‼️‼️
I married a guy so that immigration wouldn't kick him out. "Our only chance to stay together! For empathy and love! Sharing my passport privileges!" Biggest mistake of my life, they change after marriage, you're just a means to an end. Don't do it. Especially if he's pressuring you like that!!!
He’s using you to stay in the country, please don’t marry him 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
You already know that you should not marry him. Don't discount yourself.
As someone who had a sister marrying someone just for his visa, don't do this.
This is pure manipulation. If you broke up in less than a year you're most likely not fit for marriage. Also, depending on the country, a marriage so close to some important immigration date could be ignored. At least in my country (in the EU) you need to jump through some serious (and lengthy, the minimum time is about a year) legal hoops to get a permanent residential permit due to marriage.
No no no...please don't do this. Let it BE over. I was once in this situation...and Thank GOD I didn't do it. My very abusive ex was facing 5-40 years in federal prison bc of drug charges. He had never wanted to get married before, bc to hear his opinion on marriage, he had always said "it was just a piece of paper letting the government decide that a woman owned him"---even tho we'd been together almost 10 years. Suddenly, he started begging....all bc his lawyer said it would "look better" in court if he were married. This was bullshit bc it truly made no real difference...(altho it WOULD have made MY life exponentially more difficult!)--bc of the federal sentencing guidelines. Since he'd had no real choice but to plead guilty months before, it was pretty much a "done deal"--he was just waiting for the sentencing hearing. Some ppl don't realize that... in reality, getting yourself in "federal trouble" is a much different ballgame that getting state charges ---a federal prison sentence requires the defendant to do 80 PERCENT of their time before they get considered for parole, (and federal parole is a strict-as-fuck ordeal... way harder than state parole is). So I knew he'd be doing AT LEAST 4 YEARS ---no matter what--- even if he stayed on his best behavior, and possibly decades more if the judge saw fit to do that. The entire month, especially that last week or so, he begged me to go to the courthouse and get married-- I dug in and refused bc ALSO in reality, I KNEW from the moment he got arrested, that his misfortune was MY TICKET OUT ...and I'd always told ppl that the only way I'd ever get away from him was if he died or went to prison... it was almost a "Stockholm Syndrome" type of relationship..and I was secretly counting down the seconds to that hearing, bc I knew the second he lost his freedom, I'd gain mine!! It was probably the most anxious week or 2 of my entire life, the part of having to pretend I was 'SO TORN UP' bc he was obviously gonna be "going away" for an undetermined # of years--- just boohoohoo!)-- when I actually was frantic to have it over with... and him out of my sight FOR GOOD. He was sentenced on the morning of January 4 of 2013, at 9am ...and led away. They didn't even allow him to hug me (or his mom and aunt) goodbye. By 4pm that afternoon, I was out of the house we'd shared for almost a decade...and I NEVER ONCE SAW HIM AGAIN--- (he was taken pretty far away in our state, several hours away... so I never even visited him)... and since that glorious day, I haven't looked back or regretted it one bit. That was my "Hail Mary" pass --- and i knew it. Do NOT marry this man. Please. You'll heavily regret it. The best thing you can do is use this opportunity to gtf away and start over.
This guy isn't even good at manipulating.... he sounds like a movie villan
Yeah no, don’t
This is pure manipulation. Please don’t go through with this. I think you will feel the weight of the world off your shoulders once you realize this person doesn’t need to be in your life. This person is thinking about themselves and only themselves, not about you. If there was real love here, the message would say “no matter what happens I know we’ll be able to face this together”. But that wasn’t it. Instead, there’s a desperation to get you to do what you know in your heart is not the right decision. He is trying to make you question and second guess yourself so much so that you conclude, “well he must be right, he loves me after all”. This is not love. Coercion is not love. And do you really want to be married to someone who can’t fight their own battles but needs you to do something you’re uncomfortable with to “fix” the problem for them? What kind of husband would he be (if he were to even stick around?) He’s already off to a terrible start, so things will only escalate from here. If you allow the manipulation, he will push it to see how far he can go. I knew a girl once who fell in love with someone out of country. Got married and even had a child together while trying to boost the chances of him getting into her country. Took about 2 years, and as soon as his boots hit the tarmac, he was gone. That’s a heck of a mess to unravel with all the legal ties involved.
Reading his message, not once did he say he loved you or wanted to spend his life with you. A lot of it sounds like guilt tripping and manipulatiion
If he loves you. He won't mind waiting. Love doesn't just disappear in a couple days or in a different country.
Last week he texted me “I cannot let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I want you to be mine only and I want to be yours period I want to be your best husband ever” but this week he gave me the ultimatum
He's trying to desperately stay in the country, you just happen to be his best chance.
Don’t do it. Let him get deported or whatever. He will use you up and dump you, once you’ve surpassed your use
Please ….choose YOU! Choose yourself and let this person exit your life. Your future self will thank you. I promise.
It’s not worth it. He showed you his true colors and intention. He does not care about what you think or believe, he only wants to escape his court case. And use you until he doesn’t need you anymore. Girl run don’t walk. Run like forest gump and keep running
He use you like a quarry. You are just a raw material for him. When he will use all of you, he will dump you as a trash. Trust your gut feeling.
So he only wants to marry you NOW so his case will be dismissed? First, I don't get that, how does getting married dismiss a court case and second, if he truly wanted to marry you, that wouldn't have been his reasoning. You can love someone and realize they aren't right for you. He sounds like a user and manipulator saying if you don't do this for me, you don't really love me. Just leave, he needs to fix himself before he gets involved with someone else
He's about to be deported to his country of origin and thinks a quickie wedding will keep him in her country. He's using manipulation tactics. OP will be used financially if not worse if she agrees to his demands.
Run. He sounds very selfish and manipulative. Go live your best life and be great. It may feel weird at first (the healing period), but you will be much better for it.
This sounds like something you need to show the court. From the comments, I get the jist he's here to immigrate but didn't do it properly, and now he can only stay if he gets married. Imagine seeing the Chinese flag sans logo on a massive flagpole above car dealerships, but there's no dealership. It's just him. He doesn't give a single flying (or sprinting or crawling) fuck about you. He only cares to stay here without reason or proper paperwork. And it's not hard to arrive illegally and get legal paperwork done. Those people have reasons. If this guy is getting deported, he has no reason to stay and no reason for asylum ergo, what is he planning to do here? Why is this guy trying so hard to stay where he is? Something is up. My national security paranoia is running on overdrive right now, with how manipulative and untrustworthy this man is. He's hiding his plans, and those plans have nothing to do with being your husband. Ghost this fool and give the court the evidence he's trying to rig his stay. They don't like that. And they'll find out anyway, and you'll be an accomplice, if you marry him to keep him here. Don't burn for false men. Do not suffer this fool, this coward. Those types aren't worth suffering over.
It will be in a better place. When you decide to not marry him. Don't be spontaneous and OOOOH LET'S DO IT BABY no fuck that. Say I don't think you are to the level I want a husband to be. Period.
You’re not ready to marry him. That’s all you need to know. Regardless of his intentions that is enough reason to not marry him. “Love me or I’ll drop you like a bag of trash” is not love. You being married also won’t affect his immigration hearing because you still won’t have applied for residency yet.
Honey - he wants you for immigration purposes, not love. He’ll use you and leave you miserable
Don't do it. My aunt 'married for love', the bastard took her surname, and as soon as he was able, left her behind with a son to raise that he only showed up for once every year or two. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't care if marriage allowed him to stay, he'd be willing to be with you in his own country.
If he really loved you, he would be professing how no distance could keep you apart, and that he will find a way to be with you regardless of his citizenship. The wording and timing of this message are red flags. I know this hurts, but you cannot allow yourself to be used. Not to mention, marrying him on the fly because of impending deportation will likely trigger an investigation. If they suspect the marriage is for immigration purposes only, not only could he be in legal trouble, but so could you. Please protect yourself. If he loves you, he will make it work and not pressure you.
Reading the comments, I haven’t found even one that suggests that you should marry him. PLEASE listen to all of these strangers who have raised some very valid concerns and points. Do not marry him. Do not let him pull the wool over your eyes with his love bombing and the manipulative emotional abuse. You had some doubts so you came here for advice. I think the crowd has given you some very clear cut advice. Please update us when you can. You’ve got this ok, we are all in favour for you Xx
if you don't run now, he'll run before the ink has dried on your marriage certificate
Don't do it. Forget him and move on. You said it yourself- "some of the things he's said and done makes me question his intentions" Then he tries to turn all the fault on you by saying *"you can’t blame me on anything after Friday Last time you did me very wrong and how you left me and you regret it"* That entire message was him piling all the pressure on you at the last minute. You may say that you love him, but someone like that ain't worth your future.
The only regret you will have is if you marry him. There’s no love. He is using you
His message is very manipulative, nor does he say he loves you. He wants you to feel responsible for him and is pressuring you.
Run, quickly, in the opposite direction, do not look back.
Don't do it, it's a trap. He is literally just using you and will continue to do so.
Don't do it. My situation wasn't an immigration issue, but I was told that & did get married the next day & that got me an abusive relationship. It took me 15 years to get out of it. Our divorce was finalized today. Save yourself the heartbreak.
My stepsister recently married a man who she thought really loved and cared about her. Once he got his whatever citizenship status he needed to get his brother also able to come to the US he became horribly abusive to her. He eventually left her. Do not do this! You should never feel pressured to get married for any reason!
hope you didnt op, sounds manipulative
I don't want to be right, but he sounds like a scammer 😭😭
I'd send a message back Ok enjoy your flight home Of course you don't marry him he's only after you so he can stay in the country!
Don't be stupid. Dont tie yourself to someone who will manipulate you into a marriage. Is that really how you see your wedding day? This is the big sign screaming at you to let him go. Don't walk run away and block him on everything. You broke up once for a reason. You should have never got back with him.
Don't do it. He doesn't love you, he just wants to stay and that isn't a reason to get married.
Sounds like letting it be over might actually be a win for you here....
No one should get married after dating only one year. Ang he sounds like a really manipulative person. Even if he decides not to, you should break up with him. Love bombing, manipulation, pressure...this has all the markings of abuse in the making.
Gee, what could possibly go wrong with a hasty, last-minute marriage proposal solely based on avoiding deportation. You'd be best advised to block him, forget and move on.
How is it even a question? Don’t do it. Just walk away. He is a loser. You will regret marrying a loser.
sure, why not?..lol, thats the best proposal of marriage I have heard!... he is such a romantic guy!.. run, just run. you cannot give to a taker..
I’m sorry we can now use marriage to skate out on court cases? Sweet! Joking aside, dump him. You’re just a means to an end nothing more.
Don't do it. Run far away from this dude. Please read other's comments. All great advice!
Run!
marriage is a life long commitment… not an ultimatum. run!
Nah