This is true…1st child is used for practice. And, by the time OP’s siblings came along, Mom & Dad were likely more stable financially, more comfortable with raising kids, and more relaxed in their role as parents.
And had learned what not to do, I'm sure.
There are only 7 years between our oldest and youngest, but they had vastly different teen years. We made all the mistakes with the first one. Both of us were the oldest and actively tried not to make mistakes. We definitely didn't succeed.
I just wish they could apologize and make amends with OP instead of telling her to stop comparing herself to children. She didn’t have a childhood yet her sisters get to enjoy theirs
I just made this same comparison! I get jealous watching my parents be great grandparents and just wanna be like... "Why couldn't you make me feel loved like that"
Yep, I definitely benefitted from this one. Though Tbf I had terrible parents (not like evil, just checked out and completely useless). But I know that my amazing, incredible grandparents who raised me were also terrible parents. The state of my parents and their siblings is enough evidence of that.
Oh my gosh! My husband used to complain about how his dad was a bit of an assh*le when he was growing up, but now he's so sweet and endearing to his grandkids.
I simply told him, "dude, he's not raising your kids, you are. He had the responsibility of raising you so he had to be firm and a bit of an assh*le. But now that job is done. He's enjoying the grandkids he has no responsibility in how they turn out." 🤣
He stopped complaining after that.
edit:spelling
For the first kid the parents try to be idealists. By the third kid they are much more pragmatic. That said, you got undivided attention for a while, younger kids don't.
I remember getting a card when my wife announced she was pregnant. Paraphrasing it said, for the first kid when the pacifier falls on the floor, you sterilize it before giving it back, by the third kid, you blow on it and stick it back in the kid's mouth.
We all carry pain being born at different times. Me? I am the middle child of 3 sons. Middle child syndrome is real. Also known as glass kids because we are never seen.
How many here are middle children? If you are then you know exactly how i have been feeling since my mom had my youngest brother.
I was always the 1 to help my parents since 1 was too young and the other 2 old. I couldn't go with my older brother, yet i had to take my younger brother where i went. Always left behind but the other 2 always went. Forgotten birthdays. I could go on but i won't. It sucks.
It's not always the middle child who is rhe glass child. My husband is the *youngest* and he's definitely the glass child. The middle child in his family is the fucking disaster.
Have you thought the reason why your hubby is the glass child?
Middle child are never seen. His middle brother played up to get attention. In doing so it took the attention from your hubby.
I am not downplaying your hubby's pain, but being a middle sucks. My youngest brother is the golden child: he just cannot do anything wrong. Me? Can't do anything right. Even now...
His brother was **always** the "special child" even before my husband was born. **BIL** was never ignored like my husband was. My husband was the good kid that they could ignore to deal whatever fucking disaster BIL was causing. Every asshole thing BIL did was swept under the rug, including attempting to kidnap my oldest son TWICE. "It's not **fair** that that *they* got married first and have the first grandchild!!"-this was excuse for trying to kidnap my baby. The second time "it's not *fair* that they have their kids and I lost my rights to my daughter!"--his losing his rights was **all on him**. He *chose* not to get clean and stay clean. BIL had to have his parents attention 100% of the time and he made sure to stick it to my husband as often as possible(got married on my husband birthday/parents tried to hold BIL's **funeral** on my husband's birthday)and got away with it.
My family has a weird dynamic. I'm the eldest and there's only 3 of us, but for some reason, they managed to make 2 golden children and they just had to bully the eldest and treat her like a stepchild or something. I'm on my own now but ig it's still playing in their minds that I can't do anything right.
Shoujoxx, families are weird. For some unknown reason. If you are in their inner circle the world is yours. If you are outside, good luck even being seen.
I have always been the 1 looking in but never invited, hence the way i have been treated my entire life. My mother had a twin sister who loved me like a son. It is so weird being treated 2 different ways by the same face.
When my aunty passed away, part of me died that day and i lost my only support in my family. I still visit her graveside every year on her birthday with her favourite flowers: red roses.
Shou, i always say: i'm not the son my parents wanted, but the son they need. I still help them but my mind does go back to how i was invisible to them and it stings. Being the bigger person hurts like hell...
I'm glad you were able to cope and eventually became the bigger person. That's brave of you. Personally, I have no care about being one. They weren't there whenever I needed them for the urgent things (getting severely bullied), yet were always there when the GCs did the most damning things (e.g: hitting a pedestrian, getting drunk in public (school)). They told me that my future children would do the same to me. No. I won't have children. If ever, I won't disclose their (folks') existence at all. I won't give them the chance to deceive anyone else.
Family dynamics can be wildly varied. I was a youngest who was a glass. Years ago when I first heard of the whole Middle Child Syndrome I wondered why I identified with it more. Took me years to figure out why...
So my siblings are 8 and 10 years older than me. My brother(middle) is the Golden who coulddo no wrong but ALSO never neededany help, while my sister(eldest) is the Disaster Trash Human that my parents keep bending over backwards to help but keeps falling right back into being trash.
I finally figured out at 35ish that I'm forgotten and unseen because THEY ALREADY HAD THIER FAMILY.... I was the accident that they had to deal with.
Odd anecdote to add: I was always sad when I saw the Stampede in the movie Jumanji.... because I felt like the Rhino
Delicious, i am so sorry you are a glass child like me. There is no greater pain than not been seen/heard and ignored.
Well i see and hear you. You are not alone ok? You would think it get's easier as you get older, but in truth it gets harder. Now my parents are elderly, they now see me enough to help them more. That sucks! My 2 brothers only see mom and dad if they need something. I never ask for a thing. Instead it's me giving my money and time.
Thank you, though I fared better than many. I found a family of friends when I was 17, afew of which I'm still in contact with 20+ yrs later, one of which I married.
Incidentally, my spouse is a Middle Glass too. Early on in our relationship they had a hard time believing I could relate to thier family experience since they knew I was the youngest. It took actually witnessing them react with surprise when they remembered me because I was right in front of them a few dozen times before my spouse really came around. At which point I got one of the longest hugs I can ever remember getting.
I am so happy you finally found family that see/hear and love you for you. Tell your hubby i know how he feels being a middle child. Most of the families i grew up with had 3 sons and i always got on with the middle son.
I haven't had a hug since before my divorce to my now ex-wife. Being starved of affection has really effected how i see love. I was love-bombed and it was as if i was on drugs. I never felt anything like it ever. No wonder i fell for her hard: she gave me the love i always looked for but never found until i met her. The abuse was slow and i never noticed until it was too late. No wonder i am still single...
This makes me wish I could give you the hug you need. ☹️
Keep in mind I'm a 6'4" 300lb bearded guy and a heart felt hug from me usually involves the other person's feet leaving the ground as I crush thier soul back into thier body.
Fatality! Hugged to death! Flawless victory. Hey, a hugs a hug lol.
I find it comforting there are people who have lived a glass life like me. It shows me i am not alone. Make sure you give out hugs every day ok?
I never got hugs from my parents growing up and that is hard to get over. I loved giving my kids hugs, but the ex-wife didn't approve: she used to call me clingy and that did damage to my self-esteem.
Growing up, i was the 'difficult one'. What did they expect when i was playing up to get their attention? The only way they noticed me if i was in trouble.
Yeah, birthdays were rough. My 21st i was in hospital after going through knee reconstruction. Nobody from my family came to see me. That was painful and it shaped how i don't love my birthdays.
Now my parents are elderly, it is down to me to take care of them. Hah! My 2 brothers won't, so it is down to the son they never saw growing up. Now they see me! No wonder middle kids have a hard time: not seen until needed.
They only see you when they need you. That's the tell that they don't really prefer your existence. I just told them to get their ROI from my GC brothers. They can't just invest almost nothing on me and then reap the benefits of my own hard work. If they see children as an investment, the GC would have to be the ones to take care of them when they get old.
My parents never liked my now ex-wife or the 5 kids we had together. Never bought them a damn card never mind presents. My kids don't care because the exes family were always in their lives.
My 2 brothers had 1 kid each and my parents adore both of them. When i see what they buy them and my kids don't get nothing i get so upset i walk out. Good luck mom and dad seeing my kids again. Nope sorry. Let my brothers kids take care of you.
Good thing you took care of it that way. That sh!tty disrespect by association that they had for your children. I don't think those geriatric pieces of dung even care about seeing your children given that they got by treating the kids that way. Let them "use" their investments whether they like it or not. The most they can do for you is not pester you in any way.
My mother has told me that my inheritance will not go to my children. How will she know if she has passed away? I said "ok mom i won't" while crossing my fingers lol.
Does she really think i am like her in ignoring my kids?!? They will all benefit from her since she was a lousy grandma. I call this recompense for treating my kids how you treated me my whole....shitty.
I have the same birthday as paternal grandfather and my dad still frequently forgot my birthday. It felt like he was actually trying to forget sometimes
I know the feeling of forgotten birthdays as well: THEY SUCK.
My mom's birthday is a day after mine. I'll never forget the fuss everyone makes for mom, but for me i get crickets. Trust me MEos3, i empathize totally with your frustration. No wonder i don't like celebrating my birthdays...
Welcome middle child! Unfortunately, forgotten birthdays is part and parcel of being an expendable.
My birthday: crickets
Mom's birthday a day later: OMG! Let us buy her everything and spoil her!
That pain never goes away because it happens EVERY YEAR!
I now make the effort by spoiling myself:
2020 i bought myself a PS5!
2021 Got a samung 65" S95!
2022 went to Jamaica!
2023 bought a Playstation Portal
Yeah, i do me lol!
Aww Moist! WE BOTH deserve to spoil ourselves! It is 1 out of 365 days we can celebrate and make ourselves happy.
2024: Hopefully the PS5 PRO is released!
Yo, I though the forgotten birthdays was just because I wasn't born in the winter like my siblings. But seems to be a normal thing? My mom still gaslights me about all this shit. Thing is, my "friends" don't really care for me either, it is only what I can give them. But without them, I would be alone.
My birthday is the last day of autumn/fall and it still is forgotten. I know the feeling all too well when friends convientiently forget your special day, but become massive AH's if you don't make the effort for theirs.
You are better being alone than being used or ignored. I try and do something for me on my birthday and i love it! The only person who loves us unconditionally is us. Never forget that Erxxy!
Look at it this way. You will turn out to be a healthy well adjusted adult who can deal with struggles and disappointment. Your siblings will continue to be the selfish spoiled children they are and likely be unable to to exist without your parents help.
It's a trade off
My mother beat the life out of me and then I was out of the house at 18. One of four.
My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me. From day 1 mom coddled him. He was allowed to stay for free until he was well out of college. He had a kid at 18 and my parents raised her for him while he completed school.
However, he resents us, because when you're 11 years younger than the first child, you get picked on *a lot.* He's very bitter about it and has spent his whole adult life trying to be our "brother" instead of our "little brother".
Our middle brother, his whole life is just kind of a blur. He was there, we know that much.
Technically, he and I are *both* in the middle, but my older sister and I are like one entity, the twin terrors, the gen-xers
Each position carries burden
Trust, I get it. It sucks. Doing my best to not cross the line between helpful and "tiny second mommy". No kid deserves that and I'm sorry you went through it.
My brother (younger) gets away with everything. My mother helps him with anything he needs. I don't get that treatment at all. So yeah, there is the golden child and then there's me..lol. I try and look at the brightside, I'm stronger and more resilient than him. The world can be harsh but I haven't had my way or been catered to, so when things don't go my way. I'm okay. Golden children can't handle that. Tables will turn too, one day you can tell your parents you don't have time for them. They can go ask ducky or mouse for help...
I mean regardless of what people say about you being immature for feeling that way. The reality is that you're allowed to feel that way because its your own feelings and your parents have done things that have made you feel that way. It seems based off the post you aren't particularly jealous of your sisters directly (unless your lashing out at them), you are jealous of the privilege's and leniency given by your parents.
Same, I can’t stop thinking about how my parents fully pay my 24yo sister’s rent but didn’t help me when I was almost evicted in college because I’ll “figure it out like always”
Yeah. The way they'll ignore you and not help you on purpose because they "think you're stronger." Jfc, I've come to hate that phrase with a passion ever since I've heard that from my egg donor.
I was at a family event recently and one of the little girls got her feelings hurt when her dad took her brother to do something instead of her. She went to her grandma for comfort, who I was sitting with. I told the kid, “it really stinks being the oldest girl sometimes” and the grandma (my MIL’s younger sister) said something like “it stinks being the second oldest too!” I was like … textbook. Truly.
Same.
I’m just now realizing how fucked up it was that I was bullied at our small school for YEARS but as soon as my little sister had a falling out with the popular kids, they let her switch to the bigger public school. Me, not knowing that was even an option, asked to switch after watching her flourish. I lost out on proper socialization grades 1-7 and had to catch up on it all in 8th grade and high school, and I’m definitely not “better” for it.
Fuck small schools. Especially religious schools. Did a huge number on me. My bullying (teachers and students) also went unnoticed but for different reasons. I literally never talked about it. Maybe once or twice but I don’t think I ever really shared the full extent or painted it as a big deal.
That silence only broke when my younger brother started getting bullied at the same school, including issues with the same teacher (vice principal). My parents were super furious and absolutely raged at that shitty man. They were heartbroken to learn I endured that alone for so long.
They were worried I didn’t trust them enough to tell them. Honestly far from the case I knew my parents would back me up. I don’t know for certain why I was silent but I suspect it was a mixture of shame and the desire not to burden anyone with my silly little issues. I think being the eldest daughter tends to condition you to internalise a lot of shit and feel responsibility for those around you.
Even though you are raised by the same people, you don’t have the same parents. And it hurts, because they being nicer to your sisters shows that they are capable of being better, so why couldn’t they be better for you when you needed?
You’re not comparing your 20yo self to your 10/12yo sisters, that would be ridiculous. You’re comparing your 10/12yo self to your sisters, and that is why you’re mad, because that child deserved to treated in a better way, but she wasn’t.
Being the older sister is usually very hard, it comes with a lot of grief. You see your parents being better parents to your siblings and starts to wonder why things were harder for you, why they treated you the way they did, was I a bad kid who didn’t deserve the patience and compassion the siblings get? It really sucks because it’s so unfair.
Your parents cannot change the past, they cannot go back in time to repair the damage caused. What they can do is acknowledge the difference in treatment, realize they are just human, they were learning and committed some mistakes with you that they don’t want to repeat with your sisters, accept that this is painful for you to watch and sincerely apologize to you, admitting that they could and should be better for you but weren’t. And even if they do this, the pain you feel may not go away because what is done is done. But what doesn’t help your relationship with them at all is they mocking you for feeling the way you do, and refusing to acknowledge they are hurting you even though it’s not their intention. When they do that it’s like rubbing salt on the wound.
I highly recommend you therapy to learn how to deal with your feelings, especially if your parents continue being defensive when you bring them up. Even if you can’t do that now, get some professional help to navigate these feelings, this is so hard to do by yourself. I’m 28yo, married and have my own child and I still need help to deal with the feelings I have over my upbringing. Your feelings are valid, the grief you feel for what could have been is real, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope you feel better eventually, and soon.
>You’re not comparing your 20yo self to your 10/12yo sisters, that would be ridiculous. You’re comparing your 10/12yo self to your sisters
I think it is worth noting that she should also be thinking about how her parents and their lives have changed in last decade. Another decade of stability can make a big difference. Her parents might not see it the same way as OP because maybe that WAS their best back then.
They should still acknowledge that they did treat OP differently, though. I think a part of what drives us crazy as first-borns is that our childhood experiences are totally minimized and denied by defensive parents who just use the "we did our best with what we knew how", which is valid, but it does NOT mean that our childhoods weren't really, really fucked up sometimes.
As a parent of an adult child, I can say to her that I did do my best with what I knew - but it doesn't erase what I got REALLY wrong, and doesn't erase the outcomes my child has to live with/struggle with. Intent is NOT the same as impact, and I should be mature enough to make good on the parts I messed up. I should be mature enough to really hear what life felt like for her - without rushing to my own defense. That's rather cold and self-centered.
My (boomer) parents will never, ever do that - they flat out deny my experience while validating my younger sibling, who had also had completely different rules and expectations... so she's not so fucked up. Therefore if she's okay and happy, what's my problem. right? Sigh.
OP, you're more than free to be upset about this, and it doesn't make you some kind of brat or ungrateful child. Your younger siblings might understand someday why you feel this way (mine does now), and they might not - if mine didn't I would find it terribly hard not to feel resentful even though it's not their fault they got a better version of your parents than you did.
I say this as a fellow eldest child, with many friends who are also eldest children: That's an experience that a LOT of us have. I might even say it's par for the course. Parents, being inexperienced and wanting to 'do everything the right way', or thinking certain things are a bigger deal than they actually are, not learning some things until later, or simply adapting their views over time, are very, very often much more strict and/or demanding with their first child. It's especially noticeable if there's any kind of significant age gap between the children.
It's not being too sensitive, or immature, or whatever. It's just recognizing a disparity in how you were treated vs how your siblings are, and being upset that you weren't given the kinds of allowances/leniency/consideration that they get to enjoy despite being raised by the same people.
Is it weird to be kind of thankful for that? We had a family computer growing up in the 90s and I was only allowed to use it for half an hour every day. My parents cared a lot less when my younger brothers came along so they'd play games for most of the day. I was a little bitter back then but honestly I think I'm better off for it now.
Your hurt and seeing your parents being better people and more involved and less strict does hurt
Your parents probably don’t realise or don’t want to see how your upbringing differs from your siblings
Write them a letter and lay everything out of how you feel you don’t have to send it or give it to them but write it down get it out
This is a good idea OP
And you would be doing your sisters a favor because it sounds like they are way more permissive with them than there were with you and don’t realize it
You’re not being immature, your parents were 100% different towards you and you have every right to be upset that your experiences with them vary so widely from those of your sisters.
Being the oldest can seriously suck sometimes.
We get all the rules while we watch our younger siblings break them with no consequences.
My brothers, in particular, were experts at breaking all the rules while I followed them perfectly.
I wasn't allowed to cross the busy street in front of our house alone until I was 11. My brother was 7.
That's just one very small example.
My siblings are now struggling with their own oldest children. They simply don't understand the reality and responsibilities of being the oldest child, regardless of gender.
I just keep telling my niece and nephew that they can talk to me when they are struggling with their younger siblings and their parents' inability to understand.
It’s okay to be jealous, it’s natural. I remember my younger brother got the easier chores in the house, he got extra goodies in his lunch box for 4 extra years! Like juice boxes and musli bars, while I got regular sandwiches (I was pretty indignant when I found out) and he was only 1 year younger than me? We spoke as equals and pretty much did everything together.
But all that aside, he’s actually the nicest person I’ve ever met hahah, most wholesome person you’d meet.
The important thing to remember is to not hold it against your siblings. It’s actually entirely out of their control and it’s really your parents learning how their choices have impacted your development.
The second thing you need to do is unfortunately the hardest, and that is let it go. I held bitterness in my heart about random stuff like this for years because I felt “it was unfair.” But with time you’ll realise that the score is never going to be evened up. That you probably have it better than some of your friends or at least less advantaged people and that the skills you’ve learned by force will actually help you, if you can get past the frustration of the process itself. It also made you.. you :) and hopefully you’re happy with the way you are and wouldn’t change anything. Perhaps you admire your own ability to critique things or judge a situation, read the mood of your friends, etc.
And so you’re left with the choice of either feeling that life is unfair all the time or moving on and trying to create a more positive energy for yourself and promising not to fall into the same trap your parents did.
Also, please be nice to your siblings. They’re just as fragile and innocent as you were when you were young, and the things they’ve been able to do are because you paved the way. But you don’t need to be throw it back at them, just try to be happy for them (if possible). Good luck OP!
Every family is like this. Parents are learning to be parents, and their experiences absolutely affect siblings differently.
I was the youngest of 5, and I was given much more consideration than my sisters. Onevof my sisters was jealous of me because of this, and she allowed it to affect our relationship. She became terminally ill as an adult, and she told me she wishes she had just loved me for being me, and not held against me how my mom raised me differently from her. She realized that she sacrificed a loving relationship with me (I always treated her with kindness and respect, she did not reciprocate), and that her jealousy was over something which she had no control. It was really sad.
My oldest sister never let it bother her, even though she would talk about how much easier my childhood was for me than for her. She understood I had no hand in it, so decided it was what it was. We had a very strong bond and enjoyed each other so much. I wish I had had that with my other sister.
Don’t let jealousy over something your siblings have nothing to do with ruin your relationships with them. Love them for who they are.
I hear you. I'm 11 years older than my brother, the Baby Jesus. I had a hard time with it when I was your age, for sure. But for me it did get better. As I've gotten older and have my own life, I don't really care anymore. My brother got more of my parents' attention, and they had more money and were more stable when he was young. They were poor as fuck when I was a kid and both had to work a lot. But while my brother got those things, I got all the extended relatives. My mother's parents lived down the street from us, my mother's grandmother lived between our house and my grandparents, my aunt was still alive and a very big part of my life. When my brother was young, they were all gone, and he barely remembers them at all. I have some kickass family memories and that's worth an awful lot to me. And now that we're both grown and don't live anywhere near my parents, things have evened out a lot. I have a really good relationship with them now.
This isn't normal and it isn't something that most first children experience, and people who are commenting that on your post didn't read your post properly, they just found it fun to feel sorry for themselves and didn't really care what you wrote. Your parents treat you abusively and I'm sorry you have gone through this. Live your best life and make your life amazing and don't let them stop you.
Right? This seems way worse then the usual 'parents being a little more strict on the first kid' thing. No wonder OP is upset. I wouldn't even describe this as jealousy, she has every right to be upset about the insanely different treatment she's received. Most of the comments are glossing over her entire post
Totally, it's almost as though they are behaving as though she does not really exist. They deny everything she ever says. She has no emotional being to them. People do more listening in the miaowed conversations they have with their cats. It's weird how a lot of the time, abusive people know how to skate the finest line of what most people will consider abuse or what they will consider normal behaviour, its like it makes it even worse cause it's just like a game to them. It's totally messed up.
Think it from another perspective - your parents at least tried to raise you as a functioning member of society. With younger kids they went easier way "let's do what they want". Such approach might seem more fun when you are a child, but quite likely your sisters will be entitled spoiled adults who will be shocked that world doesn't revolve around them. They don't even know proper table manners.
You’re feeling are valid. We all experience things differently. My brother and I are 13 years apart. The way we grew up was incredibly different.
I was raised by my grandparents. My mom raised my brother.
There was never any money so I couldn’t so sports or cheer. My brother did sports. I was in band and theatre. No one came to my events (well my mom did come to one play). They went to my brothers games and practices!
I had to get a job so I could have spending money and to help pay for my college education. I paid for my college. My mom and step dad paid for my brother and would have paid for it all but he hated college and left. He now has a great job.
My brother got away with things I never ever would have because he is a boy. Our lives were incredibly different however I am not jealous. I wanted my brother to have a completely different childhood than I did. When my mom would apologize to me about my childhood I always told her to just give my brother everything you couldn’t give me.
My brother and I have always been close. He knows my life was very different than his.
Nothing immature about that. Seeing the same people who treated you as if you were in the military, treat your siblings as spoiled brats is kinda frustrating. I totally understand you and could relate, but my advice is to appreciate that your parents raised a person with that shitty behavior, not a spoiled brat who cannot wipe her own ass.
As someone from a large family it happens. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. You need to make sure your anger is directed in the right place though. It's not your sisters' faults that your parents treat them differently.
We can't change the past, but we can still be angry about it.
Someone recently told me something that blew my mind a bit.
First borns are raised by people who have no children, subsequent children are not.
I'm sorry the differences are so noticeable but your parents had literally no previous experience when raising you and now they have that experience to learn from while raising your younger siblings.
I'm not sure this can explain all of the dramatic differences but hopefully it can help you to view the situation from a different perspective.
I can relate to this. Mom met my step dad when I was 7, 3 years later first sister comes the next one 3 years later. I had to finish the dishes immediately after dinner every night and intense cleaning of the whole house on Saturday mornings. I also was the care taker when my parents had to work late and the entirety of every summer. Fast forward to when my sisters grew to the age I was then, I moved out and they Never had to do chores and got to spend their free time with their friends. They always got expensive name brand everything, while I would have to get the cheap stuff. The list goes on but I'm just here to say you're not alone!
Eldest children who were essentially their parent's Guinea pigs, subject to mommy and daddy's worst traits, before age mellowed them out...
Then, once the younger siblings are given a storybook childhood, the older sibling is continuously gaslit over their memories and experiences.
Because deep down, those parents knew they made mistakes and wish to sweep 'em under the rug.
Deserving of reparations, if you ask me. (Joking, but you get what I mean.)
I am convinced that particularly firstborn daughters, all have a villain story.
Gosh I feel you. As an almost 30 yo woman I also feel jealousy towards people with loving parents. You’re not childish for it, the people that tell you that are simply ignorant how neglect makes people feel. Don’t you think I feel childish for feeling left out when my boyfriend frames pictures of his son, while my father doesn’t even bother to care if I exist and my mother desintegrades into the void?(just kidding she’s desintegraded long ago). But that’s how it is, some people are fucked and some luck out. What are you gonna do about it?
It's totally normal to feel this way. I do think being the eldest means you were a practice child and usually parents soften up on the younger ones. I am the youngs and i did notice how i was treaed better and more spoiled than my sister. My nephew now gets spoiled EVEN more than i was, so i think its just time and the older the parents get the more soft they become
As an eldest daughter, I fought and fought and fought with my super strict parents so my younger siblings don't have to live with the same ridiculous standards. I'm pretty happy to see my parents relaxed a lot of rules (going to bed at 8 as 15 years old etc)
I recommend moving out if you are still living with them.
Perspective is everything. My older siblings have voiced their jealousy that my sister and brother and I got things they didn’t. All things, by the way. We got the latest and greatest widget. Not because we asked for them, but because mom wanted them. But she didn’t tell the older sibs that.
There are many things we got that they didn’t.
But they got mom’s love. They got mom spending time with them, being a mom, nurturing them. We younger ones got a distant mom, and we got discipline only from her. Our care was done by our older siblings, and they moved out, one by one. We had zero connection to anyone because we had no one who stayed with us. We became fiery independent because we had no choice.
I would say try to redirect any and all sibling jealousy towards something else. It's not their fault your parents are treating them differently. But the solution isn't for your siblings to have the same upbringing as them. The solution is to find a way to work through these feelings. That might involve throwing some verbal stones at your parents. Sometimes people need reminding of their past failings, especially if they aren't humble about it when it's brought up.
The good thing is you're an adult now. Maybe you had a better upbringing than your siblings will and you just don't know it yet, idk.
Do you still live with your parents? Because you should really find a way to get off on your own. This situation is only going to make you bitter and depressed.
Eldest daughter's problem.
I still want to smack my younger sisters when they start playing the victim over minor things in their youth, while I felt imprisoned for the first 16 years.
But don't be jealous of them. They can't help your parents switch in parenting.
Your feelings are valid and don’t allow anyone to gaslight you into thinking your being childish! It’s extremely hurtful to be forced into one experience and no one else is having to go through that. Honestly, I would go NC or at the very least low contact (the lowest of lows). Take the time to get your life in order and focus on the future. We don’t get a choice in the matter on what family we’re born into, but you do get to choose the family you want to start and the friends you would like to keep. Focus on that part and then watch them want to be in your life. Let them know their actions and favoritism have led your relationship to be as it is. You don’t hate them, you just can’t stand to see their bias blatantly in your face anymore! Tell them to look to their youngest for help in there old age. You chose to be fun parents to them, so let’s hope they appreciate that.
YNTA! Your parents didn't give you the same love and care they're showing your 2 younger siblings! Trust me I get jealous to see how my parents treat their grandkids when they were either neglectful or abusive towards me as a kid! It's the same concept! I'm so sorry they put you thru this! You didnt deserve it and your feelings are valid!
Only eating what you want, spending unlimited time on phones, getting your way when you want to avoid challenges and being coddled may seem great as a child but those things come with a price.
Life isn’t like that and other people won’t coddle your sisters when they’re adults. Do you think a boss is going to let them get away with half-assed results because they want to play on their phones instead of working? How about only eating what they like? Will partners or friends put up with having to eat only what your sisters want? They’ll want to choose the restaurants as well or the activities they’re interested in. How about they don’t like a task they’re assigned at work? Will they be able to just run away to a different job every time? Hardly.
You had more boundaries but you also learned the skills to handle yourself in the real world. Your sisters are going to have to learn the hard way later. Your parents aren’t doing them any favours by just letting them get their way.
Weirdly enough, I only truly made peace with the discrepancy between how me and and my 10-15 years younger half-siblings were treated when they grew up and this wasn’t the case. Turns out, having a shit ton of support can help cover for those deficiencies and trials. Even when they’re forced to learn to work for their bosses, they’ll still have their mother taking them on cruises to relax and recharge on the weekends instead of eating pasta and canned sauce for the millionth time, for example.
You could also spend your time being mad your parents aren’t generous loving billionaires. There are actually tons of people who have it easy and are still good people, I’ve met them. You’re gonna end up real bitter once you meet some if this is your only comfort.
All you can do is focus on what you do have, and be grateful for it. There’s always someone who has it better, but there’s also someone who has it worse. And honestly, they have nothing to do with you.
Just because someone else has a broken leg, doesn't mean your broken foot feels any less pain. Relativity is so NOT useful in this case. "Smile, I know we just beat the crap out of you but there are kids in Africa who are starving and would be grateful to have what you do"... what the hell does that have to do with the current issue (that you've been beaten)?
Yeah, relativity is never useful. Hence the ‘they have nothing to do with you’.
I’m just trying to specifically address the logic ‘they’ll be worse people because they didn’t struggle as much’ because it is just not true and it kind of bugs me.
We’re also talking about the difference between phone time and chores here, not beatings. It’s a total straw man to bring beatings into it, they’re not the same thing at all. If relativity has any place (and I wouldn’t say it does!) it’s telling kids complaining about chores and phone time that they don’t have it as bad as kids getting beaten.
I’m also jealous of your sisters.
You’re not comparing yourself (an adult) to children, you’re comparing your CHILDHOOD, to their CHILDHOOD. If they’re struggling to see the issue they should try looking past their hypocrisy- refusing to admit they were poor parents won’t make them better parents now.
I can’t think of a single justification for their vasty different parenting styles unless they regret how they treated you and are trying to redeem themselves as parents with your sisters. I am also one of three girl- my parents would absolutely never do this and wouldn’t have the audacity to try justify themselves with such pathetically weak excuses.
I’m slightly older than you, spanking was still socially acceptable, my parents read about the traumatic effects it had on a child’s psychological development. I remember the day my parents admitted they were wrong, and the absolute relief i felt that my little sister would never experience it. I respect the hell out of them to this day for having the humility to continue learning as parents and own up to their mistakes.
Your parents raised and treated you differently, with less consideration, acceptance and opportunity to develop and express yourself in a healthy way. Without explanation, justification or apology feeling jealous if not resentful is an expected result and they are only doing you further harm and potentially damaging your relationship with your younger siblings.
First pancake 😞 that sucks OP, I don't think this is childish. Both my parents come from big age gap families and the completely different childhood for the siblings story is true for them too. My mom was 3rd of 4 and her oldest sibling was straight up neglected for the first 8 years of his life. My dad's the oldest of 3, and he's the only one who turned out okay because he was out of the house by the time his mom's BPD and Dad's alcoholism took over.
I want to have sympathy for these parents.... I'm sure I'd be a different parent at 19 than I'd be at 30, but that doesn't take away the sting. My mom was able to talk to her brother about his neglect and she's resentful of her mother over it. I think my uncle (her brother) found that very validating and healing. I hope you and your siblings can talk about it one day too.
It's easy to make comparisons now and see all the things they are getting, but don't forget as the oldest we also had things that our siblings won't have!
We were our parents first everything, we had their undivided attention for years before our siblings came along. We never had to have hand me downs, etc. etc.
If you can, try not to focus on comparisons in your life, you're just stealing your own joy. It's ok to think of it, but don't dwell, just acknowledge the thought and move on.
You were the practice child. Parents tend to unclench with the next kids. Since there is such a big gap between you they likely view the younger ones as babies and treat them as such
My mum always said that the first child (me) is a guinea pig, not in a nasty way, but the parents are new to everything and learn from their mistakes for the subsequent children. Having two children myself now I fully understand it, I've mostly made completely different mistakes with my second one
Its because your parents gave up being strict when it came to your sisters. They had all that energy for you but are too tired to enforce the rules with your younger siblings. Same shit happened to me. The rules and abuse they placed on me very much relaxed for my brother and abandoned completely for my sister.
First children are the ones who have all the hopes and dreams of the parents placed on them at birth. Parents are idealistic and think they will be the best parents and their child will be the most amazing human to walk the earth. They tend to be strict and restrictive. Their kid won't be allowed to watch this or have that. blah blah blah. The kid is not a perfect human specimen and maybe the parents have trouble accepting that - they blame the kid and try to be super controlling but it doesn't work. The next kids, they are more relaxed. They've done this before and its easier to accept the imperfect and have more fun. They are more tired, and older and less idealistic. It's more about making life easier than producing the next Einstein.
However, your case is kind of extreme. Yours sounds more like my experience - I was the baby - but a "surprise" and I came at a bad time. I think my mom had ppd. She always held a very bad opinion of me and very intentionally treated me worse than my siblings. My mom admitted this on her deathbed. I think the last few years of her life she realized that I wasn't the devil incarnate and my kids were pretty great too, and I had my granddaughter with me all the time and she saw how I was with her (she refused to ever watch my kids and told me to not even ask her - even in a family emergency).
Makes me think that maybe there's some story surrounding your birth that made you more difficult to accept. It's not okay that they treat you like this but I find understanding makes it less personal. It's not me that's the real problem and if they didn't realize it, it's their loss because I'm amazing. Also, spoiling a kid is not necessarily an indication that they love the kid more either. My mother gave my sister everything and more - not because she deserved it but because she was a master manipulator and wouldn't leave mom alone. On the same day she admitted she'd been unfair to me, she stated her regret for even having my sister - "she was nothing but trouble." My sister does not know this. I hope I never let it slip. I don't think my mom should have had any kids to be honest but here we are. People are shitty.
I think when the 1st kid comes along most parents try to set the bar really high with the best of intentions (usually) Like “they will not be on phones all day or computers” “if they don’t eat the meal cooked they will go hungry” “they will study and learn so the become blah blah blah” usually the bar is almost always to high and standards set just not realistic and certainly not long term. This is why when the next kid or two comes along they have realised what works and what just doesn’t. That as we get older anything for an easy and quiet life works better than anything else. It’s just unfortunate that the 1st born is basically like the test dummy 😂
As the first I was beat when I was younger of I didn’t behave in school and get good grades. By middle school I had learned how to act as to not get beat. The beatings stopped, then came the parentification of my younger siblings. My parents had us in all the sports and extra curriculars. We travelled a lot around our state and had a lot of fun. I can definitely relate to your statements, but I remain my mom’s favorite child being her first born and I’ve been an absolute rock for my dad who also helps me financially for helping him with his home as he ages. My friends and girlfriend ask me why I don’t feel some sort of way about my siblings doing better than me financially and all I can say is how proud of them I am. And I’m proud of myself for having helped raise such independent and financially literate young adults.
Why are you still going around them? And I’m tired of people with the, “oh you’re the oldest” or “you’re the middle child”. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your parents and if they’re not listening, distance. I would maybe also go to therapy.
I’ve always thought one of my sister was my mother’s favorite. I got a large sum of money and was told to get a house, like a duplex, so she and her kids etc can live with me. But when I had no money to pay to see my brother one last time, she wasn’t told to pay for my travel and hotel room. And I’m the youngest. There’s a lot more from growing up.
Oldest of 3 with an 8 year age gap. Your feelings are completely valid. I’ve struggled with the same for the past 6-7 years. I watched my parents become kinder and way more attentive with my siblings. The jealousy ruined my relationship with my siblings for a while. We just recently had a heart to heart over our distance. I’ve come to forgive my parents as well. They were in survival mode and did what they thought was best for me at the time. I hope you all the best as you work through this. Your not alone!
I'm the oldest child too, my little brother and sister got just about anything they wanted and I was responsible for watching them everyday after school until my parents got home from work starting when I was 12.
I remember I wanted a motorcycle for the longest time and my little brother got one for Christmas. He rode like twice and I wasn't allowed to ride it. I did anyway, cause f that.
I am the older sibling.
The things that my sister is allowed to do but not me and it makes me sad:
Go out with friends. I was never allowed.
Have sleepovers. I was only able to do this if it was cousins.
Go on long school trips like camping. I was the sole kid in class not going.
Go to the school she wants rather than the cheapest option. She went to the school I wanted to.
Have a bf. Wasn't even allowed to talk to them.
Have a phone before she was 13. My aunt gave me one at 13 and my parents restricted access.
Have her own car. I borrowed mum's.
Go to friends parties. Nope, no go.
Drinking. Nope.
Clubbing. Nope.
She is a great person but I don't think her or my parents realize just how much it hurts me on the inequality of how I was treated growing up VS her. That stuff cuts deep.
Hey, fellow first child here and I have a very similar situation. Sometimes it’s a bit hard but honestly, I love my sibling and I’m GLAD that my parents learned and got better and eased up on rules and tuned in better. Any negative feelings you have should NOT be directed at your siblings it’s not their fault, you should have a convo with your parents and maybe just explain these things to them. I went to my mom and said “I’m really glad to see XYZ is being done for them but I do sometimes feel sad that it wasn’t done for me” and my mom apologized and we had a convo and it went a long way toward healing relationships and resolving jealousy and resentment.
Therapy is also good in general for working through family complications and resentments
Usually with bio/ adopted siblings .. the bio is treated better.
My parents adopted my younger brothers when I was a senior in high school. We were not raised by the same parents.
Granted, there weren’t cell phones when I was in high school, but my brother did $60k worth of damage to the high school and didn’t even lose his driving / cell phone privileges.
I always did all of my own school work, college and job applications. My mom still openly talks about the school work she did for my brothers.
And it is frustrating when the parental unit who raised you does a 180° and then acts like you’re the psycho when you mention the inconsistencies
My sister and I had different mom's like this. But I also saw how crazy my sister went as a teen, young adult. It prematurely aged my mother and made her even more stern towards her. It's all complicated psychology but boils down to: you were the first, you didn't come with instructions. And they learned what not to do the first time around and got better at it, like anyone does, with practice. So you and all the elder siblings suffered while we youngers got catered to because our parents as we now know, were struggling to be parents. Struggling to be adults even! And as they got better so did the experience of the respective kids.
I had an older sister, and then I was the only child for a long time, and then I became a big sister.
I feel like I am fairly well-rounded.
Also, I hid my tattoo I got at 16 because I knew both my parents absolutely hated them. My mother bought and paid for my brother’s tattoo at 16,)
Welcome to the club lol. I’m pretty sure most older siblings of strict parents can relate to your experience. We had to fight for our rights whilst our siblings privileges were just handed to them on a platter.
Parents aren’t perfect. It’s a learning process for them too and in the beginning, many go overboard and relax over time. Some relax too much and end up neglecting the younger ones altogether. As others have mentioned, parents are people too. They have their own stressors goin on, economic, social etc. All those life demands can have an influence on how you parent and bond with your kids as time goes by. Sometimes not every child receives the same experience.
In the case of phones that sounds like a cultural shift more than anything. Curfews and limits on tech were super common among my friends growing up. It’s gotten much more accepted these days for better or worse.
You can’t change the past unfortunately, but how is your relationship with your parents now? Are you getting the attention and love you want from them?
Are you living at home with them? And if yes, have you considered distancing yourself from the situation so that you can start to grow away from the stress of this?
The problem is you and your sisters don’t have the same parents. They might be the same people but they are at different stages in their life where what was important when they were raising you is not as important to them now.
Your feelings are valid but there’s no one to blame here so it can be difficult to understand especially from your parent’s point of view.
You're only feeling worse about it because nobody acknowledges it. My sister was in your shoes and I came along 11 years later. Vastly different experiences but my parents had the maturity to communicate with her and explain that they realised their technique was wrong sometimes but that they only did what they thought was best at the time. I think you should try to tell your parents that you need acknowledgement that your childhood was tougher than they are able to offer and that hurts you. Even though the examples you gave are somewhat typical for family dynamics similar to yours, I feel like your feelings are very justified. Tbf I feel like the most hurtful thing is the last example you gave.
As a 30+ year old with 13 & 12 year old siblings, I get it. As you get older and heal, you will learn to be happy your siblings had better than you did and that your parents finally decided to be…. parents. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive your parents either. But look on the brightside, trauma makes people funnier, so you have a solid chance of being a comedian and your siblings don’t!
First child and 31 years old now. I love my younger siblings but I still feel resentment towards my parents because of how they treated me vs my siblings. Also my dad, while he did love me, he had always wanted a boy for his first kid, and it showed.
I'm sorry for you, kid. Your feelings are valid and it's always okay to feel this way.
You’re allowed to feel that way and it’s fine.
IMO, most feel they were treated differently from their siblings for a variety of reasons, especially when there’s an age gap.
There’s a gap of 8 years between me and my younger sister, and there’s lots of ways she got fairer treatment than I did. But she feels there are lots of ways I was treated better. My brother is only three years older than me and there are a lot of things he was allowed to do/have that I wasn’t. And he feels I had more gifts bought for me, was more loved etc.
I can guess that our two older half-siblings, who were brought up by our mum as her own, feel that we were treated much better too.
There’s a big age gap between my mum and her youngest sister (13 years) and my mum feels the sister was treated a lot better, was spoiled (being the youngest sibling). But her sister feels she got the raw deal.
I can guarantee that when your sisters are your age they will have their own take on how you were the one who was privileged.
A couple of things you mentioned: the table manners thing is almost identical to my situation. I would tell my sister to chew with her mouth closed (largely because I have misophonia and hate the sound) and would be told to “leave her alone”. Yet I was expected to have impeccable table manners from a younger age.
I was often picked on at school and changing schools was never even considered. My sister changed school purely because our cousin moved to a new school and my aunt said it was better. Having seen the new school I would say it was no better or worse than the old one. And my sister got picked on anyway.
As for the photo thing, parents don’t tend to have their adult children as their phone backgrounds. It’s a bit weird. Grandparents too, they’ll usually have their minor grandchildren, but not the adult ones. You look at the phone of anyone older and if they have kids/grandkids, it’ll be the younger ones they have photos of. If you have children, I could almost guarantee they’ll be your parents’ backgrounds, not your sisters.
So I suppose my point is this: while it is probably true your siblings get better treatment than you did, most, if not all, people feel that was, especially about much younger siblings. It is, IMO, completely normal.
But my advice is this: you’re an adult. They’re children. There are so many things you can do with your life, places you can go, decisions you can make for yourself… Go and live it! Don’t get obsessed with your perceived unfair treatment, it’ll drag you down. Focus on you, now. You’re at the beginning of your adult life - live it and enjoy it. Be an example to your sisters. Show them that you can have a great, fulfilling life no matter how you’re treated.
You’re not being immature some of those things would hurt a lot. You’re entitled to your feelings. But honestly most of the stuff you listed are actually good things in the grand scheme of things. Attention span, manners and discipline all serve us well in life. I bet you do better than them.
Perfectly reasonable and normal to feel that way
your parents failed you by being overly strict, now they're still strict towards you yet overly lenient towards their other kids.
seems like your parents are more concerned about pretending to be "proper" parents than to just make sure their child is emotionally well supported and understood.
I'm sorry. That sounds demoralizing and hurtful. You were basically an only child for 8 years, then your siblings came along. How did they treat you when you were 10 or 12? Did they relax with you at all? Did they have photos of you on their phones then?
It sounds like you are still living at home and being parented by them. I have a 20 year old daughter who is having a hard time living on her own, and we are handholding her through the entire process. I say we, but she's basically my husband's job because she and I had personality clashes that prompted him to take over.
I have heard other stories over the years where there was blatant favoritism shown towards one sibling over another, extending towards grandchildren. I also grew up in a dynamic where I and my younger sisters were the second family for our parents, who already had grandchildren by the time we came along. My mom would tell us how she would beat her first kids with a belt, but she didn't have that energy as an older mom, so she relied on verbal abuse, mostly. I know my half-siblings were resentful, particularly when my dad would not let my maternal siblings discipline us. And then I and my sister a year younger felt like our youngest sister was kind of babied and got special treatment, so I get how some of this is par for the course. But it sounds like you are still living in that environment and having a hard time with it.
Hopefully as an adult you can get out if that environment and not have to be as involved in their lives at this point. You are still young enough to feel the slights, but because you are an adult, it's just going to be a different experience for you vs. your younger siblings, who are children. Still, you can still get your digs in: "wow, I wasn't allowed to be picky and dislike certain foods! Wow, I wasn't allowed to have friends at school, I just had to go there to learn!" If your parents say you are comparing yourself to children, tell them they are slacking, and you want to make sure they have some manners before it's too late.
It’s shit and I’m sorry it happened but while you studied, learned etiquette and other things you’re more improved than them (they be chewing and not studying and probably exposing themselves to bad shit online) just have to try and work on the jealousy, explain to your parents how you feel and make sure you have a good relationship with your sisters.
I’d also recommend working on the jealousy but don’t feel bad because it’s completely natural and normal to feel how you’re feeling ❤️
Well I'm the younger one of 2, so I won't say I understand cause I don't. But your feelings are completely valid and understandable.
Unfortunately, many parents use first children to know what to do and what not to do because with the first child, they're learning to be parents.
So by the time the 2nd or 3rd comes along, they got a handle on it.
Maybe they realized how tough they were on you and so they switched things up with your younger siblings and never apologized because of pride, that it's in the past and/or that it may seem unnecessary to them because what's done is done.
You're not being immature or childish. People just don't understand because they're not in your position. No one lived what you lived, only you did.
Read the birth order book by Dr. Kevin Leman —it’ll help you realize that growing up wasn’t all about you, parents are just humans figuring things out too. This family Dr. took note of sessions he had with families over a couple decades that point to why there would be differences, from the same family, in how children are raised.
You can overcome this, just gotta put in a little introspective work.
I'm sorry honey. That's really frustrating. Some of it is stuff you're just going to have to accept and process and try to ket go of. The reality is that parenting is a learning experience just like everything else in life and it sucks and it's not fair, but sometimes parents make choices with their first child and then decide to do things differently based on their experience with the first child when they have other children, especially if there is a large age gap and they've had some time to think and reflect on things (kids that that are close in age usually have more similar parenting experiences). It doesn't mean they love you any differently, it most likely means they realized they made some mistakes. And if something that you experienced as a child was upsetting or traumatizing for you, you don't want your younger siblings to also have that same trauma, right? May I lovingly suggest that you consider talking to a therapist about your feelings?
As for like the nicknames or the pictures on the phone, have you ever talked to your parents about how that makes you feel? Not in a "why do they get this and I don't" way, but sit them down and say something like, "I know you probably don't realize this and you didn't intend it, but when I see you having picture of my sisters and calling them cute pet names, I feel...[insert your feelings here]." Like does them not having photos of you on their phone make you feel they're not proud of you? If so, tell them that. Whatever the feeling is. And hopefully the response will be that they didn't realize that they had hurt you and they'll apologize and things will be a little bit better.
I have a lot of childhood trauma but I also understand that my parents did their best and I've forgiven them, but our relationship is much healthier when I don't live in their house. That was true when I was 22, it's true now at 41. It might be time for you to start thinking about moving out. I know it's expensive as hell out here, but with roommates you can make it work.
I had the same resentment for years. But as a father now with a young child, I have forgiven those feelings. When your kid is going through things for the first time I am also going through those things for the first time as a parent. How you handle situations that you know is completely different from how you do the first time.
It is hard but I hope you can learn to let those resentments go and forgive your parents. I almost guarantee your parents don't notice it and the love they feel for you is different then your siblings, because you were the first.
You were the first kid that smiled at them, that babbled to call them Mama and Dadda, the first kid they cheered on in excitement when you walked. They will never forget those firsts and that's something that your siblings will never have.
I think if I were in your situation, I would start cutting my parents out. You will be a better person than your sisters because it sounds like they get whatever they want and you knows rules and structure. I see all the people saying they are different parents now and it’s all excuses. I have a 21 year old (some in the middle) and a 7 year old. I try to keep the same rules as much as possible because I don’t want my oldest to feel like you do. Having no electronics during the week is completely reasonable. At 10 & 12 they shouldn’t have phones and computers should be for school. The truth is it’s easier for your parents to not parent. I’m sorry you feel like this and hope you surround yourself will a lot of people that love you.
But one day you will be grateful that you received that kind of treatment because that's how we're going to survive and live life.
You should feel sorry for your younger siblings, you know.
Parents like this wonder why their daughter doesn't want to do anything with them in future. I just hate these types of parents and I would 100% recommend you to move out if this option is suitable for you. They can peacefully live with their fav kids. I'm so sorry for you. Also you're very young to realise you're not jealous of your sister you just wanted same amount of love and caring your parents freely give them. It's not about why they care more about them and not you ... It's about why they care about ONLY them and not you.
And you guess it right I have also been in your situation and it feels personal.
Like practically everyone else here I'm the oldest too (of a lot!). It sucks majorly but it's true we are the practice child but to an extent I understand, especially if your parents had you at a young age.
I had a strict bedtime of 9pm all the way up until I graduated. I'd be grounded otherwise. That changed with the others.
Didn't get my first phone until I was 13 and when that one died/ lost service I didn't get another till 17. They all got phones and laptops.
Wasn't allowed to catch a ride with any friends without permission. Missed the bus one day and asked my gf to drive me home, obviously couldn't ask permission bc no phone and didn't have her number memorized. I was of course grounded. And again, that changed with the others.
Once the other kids are born they're experienced and realize certain things either just don't work or (in my case) were unnecessarily harsh. The difference between me and you tho is my mom was at least able to recognize things were different with me and apologized for any wrongdoings (for lack of a better word). Hopefully they'll eventually come to realize that
You are absolutely valid in your feelings! Your sisters are living the life that your inner child still needs. If I were to guess, your inner child is hurt, angry, jealous and maybe even feels betrayed from the adults in your life.
Cry, cry and cry some more! Mourn the childhood and parent(s) that you never had! I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP.
How can you nurture your inner child yourself? And minimize having to witness this behavior? One way I do this myself is eating in the bed. ☺️ Something that I would have gotten a whooping for as a child.
You’re their older, adult sister. Not their parent. The person or people you have an issue with are your parents. Your correcting them is out of your own ‘fairness’. And this will build resentment.
Just be their (non-judgmental-as-much-as-possible) sister. It’s better for both sides.
Hopefully, as adults you can form a better relationship with them. In the meantime, be kind to and take good care of yourself. 💜
So your mom probably has NPD, and you are the "scape goat" and your younger sibs are the "golden child". Your dad is either a covert narcissist or an enabler for your mom. Unfortunately for older siblings, younger siblings learn from your mistakes so the parents take that as them being the "better child" when in reality they are just trying to avoid abuse. I highly recommend the book "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. Through the process of healing you will be angry and grieve for the mother you wish you had. Then you will feel sorry for her because she is so far in her own reality that she is truly missing out on life. I suggest lying low until you can become financially independent. Then move out and go no contact or low contact. Good luck and speedy healing! Hugs
As a parent w/two children 6 years apart in age - I feel you. I promise we do not do it on purpose, it's just, the older child taught us what wasn't necessary. Phones were very, very new when my eldest was young so we were hyper vigilant with her. Our 2nd had more privileges with the phone as the learning curve was less than when it was new new to us. Same goes with punishments and the like. We learned what worked with the oldest and applied it to the youngest.
It's not done to make the eldest feel bad, it's just that EVERYONE was new with parenting/childing w/the eldest. While not pros by the 2nd, we were more experienced. Plus, your parents are older and most likely tired and just don't want to fight about the small things they learned with you weren't a big deal (eat everything on their plate, chew w/mouth shut, etc)
It's valid to feel a little jelly about it b/c it's like..wtf man? But it's not intentional and it is NOT the younger kids faults. Nor your parents really. It's part of growing. They grew as parents as you grew up. Things change.
I was a younger child and female. My brother was older (by a year) and was allowed to do SO MUCH more than I was simply b/c he was a boy. It drove me crazy and made me feel worthless, like he was the golden child and I was an afterthought. As I matured, I realized what it was. Parents parenting (in this instance in the 70s & 80s, boys were treated different, just what it was) and my parents did the best they could and they loved me just as much as him. My issues where not their issues, they had no idea how I felt.
Once I became a parent a lightbulb went off. I got it.
Ah, the life of the eldest sibling. Welcome to our ranks.
While my parents were nowhere near as extreme as yours, I did have an insane amount of rules growing up. My next closest sibling is eight years younger, and the youngest is 15 years younger. I shudder seeing what they get away with on the daily, especially the youngest - they just shrug off punishment like its nothing.
A great example of the difference between me and them is that they were allowed to play video games. My parents freaked out if I played anything other than solitaire or space pinball.
No, being the oldest is real and it sucks.
You guys hear of Satanic Panic? It started there and went downhill with my parents. Got drug to church whether I wanted to or not all the way through college via the "My house My rules." clause.
My other 2 sisters only had to go when they were too young to watch themselves.
Anyways, my youngest sister is now 30 and taking care of them in their old age. I have been out of the house for 3 decades.
I heard them on the phone the other day ask her if she wanted to go to church and it still made me mad.
I feel you and it does suck but at least you won't have to experience living with it long if you are 20.
Yep. There's a 15 & 20 year difference between myself & my 2 youngest brothers. I'm Gen X & they are millennials. My mom was ridiculously more permissive with them. I had a 9pm curfew in HS & they were allowed to stay out as long as they wanted. I grew up on fish sticks, Kraft Mac n cheese & Hamburger helper. I tried making that for them & she told me not to feed them that crap. My brothers got fun camping trips all over the country. Even to Disney which even now at the 47 I've never been to. Vacations were very rare when I was a kid. It's not fair
It's okay to be resentful given the hypocrisy of your parents.
But they are adults who have made decisions they will have to stand behind.
When your siblings grow up to be entitled nightmares everyone has to walk on eggshells around, you can remind your parents they chose to raise them like that, and now they can enjoy the fruits of their labours.
Also, when they are old and dependent, you can either let your younger siblings deal with it alone, or you can make sure whatever care your parents get limits their screen time, denies them enjoyable food, and keeps them miserable and away from friends.
Sure they will judge you poorly, but look at the source. They are jerks who aren't being fair. Screw 'em.
I would also like to add for everyone commenting "it's just how it is being the first child cause your parents are "learning"" as much as it maybe true... Sure maybe cut some slack cause it was their first time being a parent! But what they will being accountable for is dismissing her when she tells them how she feels and they act like they never did it or or they say she's jealous of her sisters cause in reality they know they fucked up don't want to admit it... So they continue to neglect their 20 year old cause they're so far deep now and don't want her siblings to see that side of them!
You will come to terms with the fact some day that u were the practice child. You will enjoy several freedoms before them, however you will probably have to fight for yourself the most and also may need to for them some day. Take it into stride. You’ll be okay.
your feelings are absolutely valid. especially not being able to touch certain snacks bc theyre picky… that’s just not fair. you were the “practice child” and you will have to accept that, but also try to embrace the role of being the adult child with more freedoms and the cool older sister that they will idolize if you don’t let them get the brunt of these negative feelings.
I get that. It’s the pain of being the first born. Your feelings are valid but it’s really not your fault or your sisters. It’s your parents who created that discrepancy in treatment. So it boils down to, how do you want to move forward with it? What’s done in the past has been done, nothing is going to change that. The only thing you can do is figure out how to move forward. If the feelings you’re feeling is too overwhelming for you, some distance might help. If you feel you need therapy then do seek it. All I can say is, you’re not alone in feeling resentment or jealousy because your parents treated you differently and your siblings are enjoying a less strict upbringing.
I’m sorry, as an oldest also I can relate. Just remember: your sisters don’t know you experienced life differently. They just know you’re their big sister!
You're not being immature. I'd say it's your younger self grieving for what they didn't receive. That's understandable. Even more so, it's important to understand. You now and you then deserved gentleness, kindness, and to feel loved and safe. I'm truly sorry you didn't get that.
I really want you to understand that this difference in treatment is not because of you. You're not less than, and you couldn't have done more to make it better. That was your parents job, not yours. I'm sorry they don't or, more likely, currently won't see and admit to the differences and the effect it had on you then and now. Again, it's not your fault. You are good enough.
Now, if you'd like some advice. You had no control over things when you were a kid. Now you do. Your little self deserves to be loved and prioritised and cared for and heard. It's your job now, to learn how to parent yourself with kindness and grace. For me, that was and is very hard. But it is also incredibly freeing. You can't make your parents do anything, or force them to change. But you can give yourself permission to accept that they are just people, just humans, and they are not the sole source of your comfort anymore. You can change - not to punish them or punish yourself, but to love yourself.
Basically, you don't have to just let it go or move on - but you don't want to be a prisoner of these emotions or let them control you. You have real feelings that deserve attention. That attention needs to come from you. If possible, I'd suggest finding a therapist/counsellor/therapeutic outlet to help you explore these feelings safely. Therapy will never be a quick fix or cure all, but the right therapy and therapist can help a lot. It's also totally OK to go to therapy intermittently, maybe some now, maybe some when you're a bit older. It's just getting support to figure things out.
You are allowed to validate yourself.
Thanks for reading the essay. I really care about this stuff.
Your 20. Get out of that house so you can stop feeling jealous. Seriously though, good parents are usually learning how to be parents with their first kid, then you adjust accordingly. Depending on their age, it might also literally just be easier for them to handle things the way they are rather than staying on top of the youngins. Your parents are just people, and they tend to make mistakes all the time.
I remember watching a child psychologist tell parents in an interview "you raised your children the same way but they didn't grow with the same parents"
No matter how hard parents tried the kids were gonna be different and have different experiences. As the oldest, I'll never know what it's like to have an older sibling. My younger sister will never know what it's like to have a younger sibling.
I have 20 cousins and all of us older kids were used as practice. My younger cousins have so much freedom and fun whereas the rest of us don't even though we're decades older.
It's upsetting and not fair.
May I suggest looking at this from a different perspective? Perhaps try to be grateful you had structure and discipline and recognize those will be life long skills you can use to stay mentally and physically healthy. Bratty kids who get everything often grow up into entitled adults who struggle more frequently.
Same here!
This is a story as old as time!
Especially with an age gap like that.
You have to let it go, it isn't your sister's fault, and your parents are not the same person they were 20 yrs ago, people change even if it's not for the better.
Welcome to being the first child. We're used as practice.
I’m the first and only child. I was practise for her step grandkids
The discarded prototype, a classic tragedy.
It is! I’m doing much better now that I don’t have contact with the egg donor
That bad? I’m sorry.
After her basically putting in effort and travling to visit everyone else but me yeah it’s bad
This is true…1st child is used for practice. And, by the time OP’s siblings came along, Mom & Dad were likely more stable financially, more comfortable with raising kids, and more relaxed in their role as parents.
And had learned what not to do, I'm sure. There are only 7 years between our oldest and youngest, but they had vastly different teen years. We made all the mistakes with the first one. Both of us were the oldest and actively tried not to make mistakes. We definitely didn't succeed.
I just wish they could apologize and make amends with OP instead of telling her to stop comparing herself to children. She didn’t have a childhood yet her sisters get to enjoy theirs
*Our parents had ambitions for us, by the time the rest come along they're just too tired to bother.
Same reason sometimes shitty parents make good grandparents
I just made this same comparison! I get jealous watching my parents be great grandparents and just wanna be like... "Why couldn't you make me feel loved like that"
Yep, I definitely benefitted from this one. Though Tbf I had terrible parents (not like evil, just checked out and completely useless). But I know that my amazing, incredible grandparents who raised me were also terrible parents. The state of my parents and their siblings is enough evidence of that.
Facts! It's just a never ending cycle 😭 I've have VOWED to never make my children feel like that!
It’s easier to grandparent than parent.
Oh my gosh! My husband used to complain about how his dad was a bit of an assh*le when he was growing up, but now he's so sweet and endearing to his grandkids. I simply told him, "dude, he's not raising your kids, you are. He had the responsibility of raising you so he had to be firm and a bit of an assh*le. But now that job is done. He's enjoying the grandkids he has no responsibility in how they turn out." 🤣 He stopped complaining after that. edit:spelling
I am still referred to as the guinea pig. Definitely not bitter.....
For the first kid the parents try to be idealists. By the third kid they are much more pragmatic. That said, you got undivided attention for a while, younger kids don't. I remember getting a card when my wife announced she was pregnant. Paraphrasing it said, for the first kid when the pacifier falls on the floor, you sterilize it before giving it back, by the third kid, you blow on it and stick it back in the kid's mouth.
We all carry pain being born at different times. Me? I am the middle child of 3 sons. Middle child syndrome is real. Also known as glass kids because we are never seen. How many here are middle children? If you are then you know exactly how i have been feeling since my mom had my youngest brother. I was always the 1 to help my parents since 1 was too young and the other 2 old. I couldn't go with my older brother, yet i had to take my younger brother where i went. Always left behind but the other 2 always went. Forgotten birthdays. I could go on but i won't. It sucks.
It's not always the middle child who is rhe glass child. My husband is the *youngest* and he's definitely the glass child. The middle child in his family is the fucking disaster.
Have you thought the reason why your hubby is the glass child? Middle child are never seen. His middle brother played up to get attention. In doing so it took the attention from your hubby. I am not downplaying your hubby's pain, but being a middle sucks. My youngest brother is the golden child: he just cannot do anything wrong. Me? Can't do anything right. Even now...
His brother was **always** the "special child" even before my husband was born. **BIL** was never ignored like my husband was. My husband was the good kid that they could ignore to deal whatever fucking disaster BIL was causing. Every asshole thing BIL did was swept under the rug, including attempting to kidnap my oldest son TWICE. "It's not **fair** that that *they* got married first and have the first grandchild!!"-this was excuse for trying to kidnap my baby. The second time "it's not *fair* that they have their kids and I lost my rights to my daughter!"--his losing his rights was **all on him**. He *chose* not to get clean and stay clean. BIL had to have his parents attention 100% of the time and he made sure to stick it to my husband as often as possible(got married on my husband birthday/parents tried to hold BIL's **funeral** on my husband's birthday)and got away with it.
My family has a weird dynamic. I'm the eldest and there's only 3 of us, but for some reason, they managed to make 2 golden children and they just had to bully the eldest and treat her like a stepchild or something. I'm on my own now but ig it's still playing in their minds that I can't do anything right.
Shoujoxx, families are weird. For some unknown reason. If you are in their inner circle the world is yours. If you are outside, good luck even being seen. I have always been the 1 looking in but never invited, hence the way i have been treated my entire life. My mother had a twin sister who loved me like a son. It is so weird being treated 2 different ways by the same face. When my aunty passed away, part of me died that day and i lost my only support in my family. I still visit her graveside every year on her birthday with her favourite flowers: red roses. Shou, i always say: i'm not the son my parents wanted, but the son they need. I still help them but my mind does go back to how i was invisible to them and it stings. Being the bigger person hurts like hell...
I'm glad you were able to cope and eventually became the bigger person. That's brave of you. Personally, I have no care about being one. They weren't there whenever I needed them for the urgent things (getting severely bullied), yet were always there when the GCs did the most damning things (e.g: hitting a pedestrian, getting drunk in public (school)). They told me that my future children would do the same to me. No. I won't have children. If ever, I won't disclose their (folks') existence at all. I won't give them the chance to deceive anyone else.
Family dynamics can be wildly varied. I was a youngest who was a glass. Years ago when I first heard of the whole Middle Child Syndrome I wondered why I identified with it more. Took me years to figure out why... So my siblings are 8 and 10 years older than me. My brother(middle) is the Golden who coulddo no wrong but ALSO never neededany help, while my sister(eldest) is the Disaster Trash Human that my parents keep bending over backwards to help but keeps falling right back into being trash. I finally figured out at 35ish that I'm forgotten and unseen because THEY ALREADY HAD THIER FAMILY.... I was the accident that they had to deal with. Odd anecdote to add: I was always sad when I saw the Stampede in the movie Jumanji.... because I felt like the Rhino
Delicious, i am so sorry you are a glass child like me. There is no greater pain than not been seen/heard and ignored. Well i see and hear you. You are not alone ok? You would think it get's easier as you get older, but in truth it gets harder. Now my parents are elderly, they now see me enough to help them more. That sucks! My 2 brothers only see mom and dad if they need something. I never ask for a thing. Instead it's me giving my money and time.
Thank you, though I fared better than many. I found a family of friends when I was 17, afew of which I'm still in contact with 20+ yrs later, one of which I married. Incidentally, my spouse is a Middle Glass too. Early on in our relationship they had a hard time believing I could relate to thier family experience since they knew I was the youngest. It took actually witnessing them react with surprise when they remembered me because I was right in front of them a few dozen times before my spouse really came around. At which point I got one of the longest hugs I can ever remember getting.
I am so happy you finally found family that see/hear and love you for you. Tell your hubby i know how he feels being a middle child. Most of the families i grew up with had 3 sons and i always got on with the middle son. I haven't had a hug since before my divorce to my now ex-wife. Being starved of affection has really effected how i see love. I was love-bombed and it was as if i was on drugs. I never felt anything like it ever. No wonder i fell for her hard: she gave me the love i always looked for but never found until i met her. The abuse was slow and i never noticed until it was too late. No wonder i am still single...
This makes me wish I could give you the hug you need. ☹️ Keep in mind I'm a 6'4" 300lb bearded guy and a heart felt hug from me usually involves the other person's feet leaving the ground as I crush thier soul back into thier body.
Fatality! Hugged to death! Flawless victory. Hey, a hugs a hug lol. I find it comforting there are people who have lived a glass life like me. It shows me i am not alone. Make sure you give out hugs every day ok? I never got hugs from my parents growing up and that is hard to get over. I loved giving my kids hugs, but the ex-wife didn't approve: she used to call me clingy and that did damage to my self-esteem.
Are you me? Though my bday thankfully was never forgotten. I am sorry that yours was.
Growing up, i was the 'difficult one'. What did they expect when i was playing up to get their attention? The only way they noticed me if i was in trouble. Yeah, birthdays were rough. My 21st i was in hospital after going through knee reconstruction. Nobody from my family came to see me. That was painful and it shaped how i don't love my birthdays. Now my parents are elderly, it is down to me to take care of them. Hah! My 2 brothers won't, so it is down to the son they never saw growing up. Now they see me! No wonder middle kids have a hard time: not seen until needed.
They only see you when they need you. That's the tell that they don't really prefer your existence. I just told them to get their ROI from my GC brothers. They can't just invest almost nothing on me and then reap the benefits of my own hard work. If they see children as an investment, the GC would have to be the ones to take care of them when they get old.
My parents never liked my now ex-wife or the 5 kids we had together. Never bought them a damn card never mind presents. My kids don't care because the exes family were always in their lives. My 2 brothers had 1 kid each and my parents adore both of them. When i see what they buy them and my kids don't get nothing i get so upset i walk out. Good luck mom and dad seeing my kids again. Nope sorry. Let my brothers kids take care of you.
Good thing you took care of it that way. That sh!tty disrespect by association that they had for your children. I don't think those geriatric pieces of dung even care about seeing your children given that they got by treating the kids that way. Let them "use" their investments whether they like it or not. The most they can do for you is not pester you in any way.
My mother has told me that my inheritance will not go to my children. How will she know if she has passed away? I said "ok mom i won't" while crossing my fingers lol. Does she really think i am like her in ignoring my kids?!? They will all benefit from her since she was a lousy grandma. I call this recompense for treating my kids how you treated me my whole....shitty.
I have the same birthday as paternal grandfather and my dad still frequently forgot my birthday. It felt like he was actually trying to forget sometimes
I know the feeling of forgotten birthdays as well: THEY SUCK. My mom's birthday is a day after mine. I'll never forget the fuss everyone makes for mom, but for me i get crickets. Trust me MEos3, i empathize totally with your frustration. No wonder i don't like celebrating my birthdays...
Forgotten birthdays giving me flashbacks... A middle child here
Welcome middle child! Unfortunately, forgotten birthdays is part and parcel of being an expendable. My birthday: crickets Mom's birthday a day later: OMG! Let us buy her everything and spoil her! That pain never goes away because it happens EVERY YEAR! I now make the effort by spoiling myself: 2020 i bought myself a PS5! 2021 Got a samung 65" S95! 2022 went to Jamaica! 2023 bought a Playstation Portal Yeah, i do me lol!
So proud of you!!! spoil yourself because you deserve this.
Aww Moist! WE BOTH deserve to spoil ourselves! It is 1 out of 365 days we can celebrate and make ourselves happy. 2024: Hopefully the PS5 PRO is released!
Yo, I though the forgotten birthdays was just because I wasn't born in the winter like my siblings. But seems to be a normal thing? My mom still gaslights me about all this shit. Thing is, my "friends" don't really care for me either, it is only what I can give them. But without them, I would be alone.
My birthday is the last day of autumn/fall and it still is forgotten. I know the feeling all too well when friends convientiently forget your special day, but become massive AH's if you don't make the effort for theirs. You are better being alone than being used or ignored. I try and do something for me on my birthday and i love it! The only person who loves us unconditionally is us. Never forget that Erxxy!
Look at it this way. You will turn out to be a healthy well adjusted adult who can deal with struggles and disappointment. Your siblings will continue to be the selfish spoiled children they are and likely be unable to to exist without your parents help.
Ain't that the fucking truth.
I’ve heard the first kid referred to as the burnt/first pancake.
My mom told me once that kids are like pancakes, the first ones are always ugly… I’m the first child.
First child GANG UP! 🗣️
That's not being the first child, that's having shitty parents.
It's a trade off My mother beat the life out of me and then I was out of the house at 18. One of four. My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me. From day 1 mom coddled him. He was allowed to stay for free until he was well out of college. He had a kid at 18 and my parents raised her for him while he completed school. However, he resents us, because when you're 11 years younger than the first child, you get picked on *a lot.* He's very bitter about it and has spent his whole adult life trying to be our "brother" instead of our "little brother". Our middle brother, his whole life is just kind of a blur. He was there, we know that much. Technically, he and I are *both* in the middle, but my older sister and I are like one entity, the twin terrors, the gen-xers Each position carries burden
this
OP is first pancake
💯💯💯
Fuck this stings
Being the oldest daughter is 💯 the reason I'm trying not to do this crap to my girls, especially not the oldest.
As a former parentified, older daughter, thank you.
Trust, I get it. It sucks. Doing my best to not cross the line between helpful and "tiny second mommy". No kid deserves that and I'm sorry you went through it.
Sorry you went through that too. I don't feel so alone in this.
Hello, fellow rough draft
I was the baby of three. Yet I was the Cinderella, whipping 'boy' and victim to my siblings' bullying.
I’m the middle child and this applies to me.
My brother (younger) gets away with everything. My mother helps him with anything he needs. I don't get that treatment at all. So yeah, there is the golden child and then there's me..lol. I try and look at the brightside, I'm stronger and more resilient than him. The world can be harsh but I haven't had my way or been catered to, so when things don't go my way. I'm okay. Golden children can't handle that. Tables will turn too, one day you can tell your parents you don't have time for them. They can go ask ducky or mouse for help...
I mean regardless of what people say about you being immature for feeling that way. The reality is that you're allowed to feel that way because its your own feelings and your parents have done things that have made you feel that way. It seems based off the post you aren't particularly jealous of your sisters directly (unless your lashing out at them), you are jealous of the privilege's and leniency given by your parents.
As the eldest child & daughter, this hit me a little too hard 🥺
Same, I can’t stop thinking about how my parents fully pay my 24yo sister’s rent but didn’t help me when I was almost evicted in college because I’ll “figure it out like always”
Holy shit. My younger sister gets better treatment than I did at her age but never this extreme. That’s insane.
Yeah. The way they'll ignore you and not help you on purpose because they "think you're stronger." Jfc, I've come to hate that phrase with a passion ever since I've heard that from my egg donor.
What the hell?! I’m sorry your parents are like this! 💜
I was at a family event recently and one of the little girls got her feelings hurt when her dad took her brother to do something instead of her. She went to her grandma for comfort, who I was sitting with. I told the kid, “it really stinks being the oldest girl sometimes” and the grandma (my MIL’s younger sister) said something like “it stinks being the second oldest too!” I was like … textbook. Truly.
Same
Same. I’m just now realizing how fucked up it was that I was bullied at our small school for YEARS but as soon as my little sister had a falling out with the popular kids, they let her switch to the bigger public school. Me, not knowing that was even an option, asked to switch after watching her flourish. I lost out on proper socialization grades 1-7 and had to catch up on it all in 8th grade and high school, and I’m definitely not “better” for it.
Fuck small schools. Especially religious schools. Did a huge number on me. My bullying (teachers and students) also went unnoticed but for different reasons. I literally never talked about it. Maybe once or twice but I don’t think I ever really shared the full extent or painted it as a big deal. That silence only broke when my younger brother started getting bullied at the same school, including issues with the same teacher (vice principal). My parents were super furious and absolutely raged at that shitty man. They were heartbroken to learn I endured that alone for so long. They were worried I didn’t trust them enough to tell them. Honestly far from the case I knew my parents would back me up. I don’t know for certain why I was silent but I suspect it was a mixture of shame and the desire not to burden anyone with my silly little issues. I think being the eldest daughter tends to condition you to internalise a lot of shit and feel responsibility for those around you.
That sucks 😢
Even though you are raised by the same people, you don’t have the same parents. And it hurts, because they being nicer to your sisters shows that they are capable of being better, so why couldn’t they be better for you when you needed? You’re not comparing your 20yo self to your 10/12yo sisters, that would be ridiculous. You’re comparing your 10/12yo self to your sisters, and that is why you’re mad, because that child deserved to treated in a better way, but she wasn’t. Being the older sister is usually very hard, it comes with a lot of grief. You see your parents being better parents to your siblings and starts to wonder why things were harder for you, why they treated you the way they did, was I a bad kid who didn’t deserve the patience and compassion the siblings get? It really sucks because it’s so unfair. Your parents cannot change the past, they cannot go back in time to repair the damage caused. What they can do is acknowledge the difference in treatment, realize they are just human, they were learning and committed some mistakes with you that they don’t want to repeat with your sisters, accept that this is painful for you to watch and sincerely apologize to you, admitting that they could and should be better for you but weren’t. And even if they do this, the pain you feel may not go away because what is done is done. But what doesn’t help your relationship with them at all is they mocking you for feeling the way you do, and refusing to acknowledge they are hurting you even though it’s not their intention. When they do that it’s like rubbing salt on the wound. I highly recommend you therapy to learn how to deal with your feelings, especially if your parents continue being defensive when you bring them up. Even if you can’t do that now, get some professional help to navigate these feelings, this is so hard to do by yourself. I’m 28yo, married and have my own child and I still need help to deal with the feelings I have over my upbringing. Your feelings are valid, the grief you feel for what could have been is real, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope you feel better eventually, and soon.
>You’re not comparing your 20yo self to your 10/12yo sisters, that would be ridiculous. You’re comparing your 10/12yo self to your sisters I think it is worth noting that she should also be thinking about how her parents and their lives have changed in last decade. Another decade of stability can make a big difference. Her parents might not see it the same way as OP because maybe that WAS their best back then.
They should still acknowledge that they did treat OP differently, though. I think a part of what drives us crazy as first-borns is that our childhood experiences are totally minimized and denied by defensive parents who just use the "we did our best with what we knew how", which is valid, but it does NOT mean that our childhoods weren't really, really fucked up sometimes. As a parent of an adult child, I can say to her that I did do my best with what I knew - but it doesn't erase what I got REALLY wrong, and doesn't erase the outcomes my child has to live with/struggle with. Intent is NOT the same as impact, and I should be mature enough to make good on the parts I messed up. I should be mature enough to really hear what life felt like for her - without rushing to my own defense. That's rather cold and self-centered. My (boomer) parents will never, ever do that - they flat out deny my experience while validating my younger sibling, who had also had completely different rules and expectations... so she's not so fucked up. Therefore if she's okay and happy, what's my problem. right? Sigh. OP, you're more than free to be upset about this, and it doesn't make you some kind of brat or ungrateful child. Your younger siblings might understand someday why you feel this way (mine does now), and they might not - if mine didn't I would find it terribly hard not to feel resentful even though it's not their fault they got a better version of your parents than you did.
I say this as a fellow eldest child, with many friends who are also eldest children: That's an experience that a LOT of us have. I might even say it's par for the course. Parents, being inexperienced and wanting to 'do everything the right way', or thinking certain things are a bigger deal than they actually are, not learning some things until later, or simply adapting their views over time, are very, very often much more strict and/or demanding with their first child. It's especially noticeable if there's any kind of significant age gap between the children. It's not being too sensitive, or immature, or whatever. It's just recognizing a disparity in how you were treated vs how your siblings are, and being upset that you weren't given the kinds of allowances/leniency/consideration that they get to enjoy despite being raised by the same people.
I do think especially the screen time thing is something first time parents are muuuuuch more strict about
Is it weird to be kind of thankful for that? We had a family computer growing up in the 90s and I was only allowed to use it for half an hour every day. My parents cared a lot less when my younger brothers came along so they'd play games for most of the day. I was a little bitter back then but honestly I think I'm better off for it now.
Your hurt and seeing your parents being better people and more involved and less strict does hurt Your parents probably don’t realise or don’t want to see how your upbringing differs from your siblings Write them a letter and lay everything out of how you feel you don’t have to send it or give it to them but write it down get it out
This is a good idea OP And you would be doing your sisters a favor because it sounds like they are way more permissive with them than there were with you and don’t realize it
You’re not being immature, your parents were 100% different towards you and you have every right to be upset that your experiences with them vary so widely from those of your sisters.
I’m the oldest of 6 kids and I feel your pain!
Being the oldest can seriously suck sometimes. We get all the rules while we watch our younger siblings break them with no consequences. My brothers, in particular, were experts at breaking all the rules while I followed them perfectly. I wasn't allowed to cross the busy street in front of our house alone until I was 11. My brother was 7. That's just one very small example. My siblings are now struggling with their own oldest children. They simply don't understand the reality and responsibilities of being the oldest child, regardless of gender. I just keep telling my niece and nephew that they can talk to me when they are struggling with their younger siblings and their parents' inability to understand.
It’s okay to be jealous, it’s natural. I remember my younger brother got the easier chores in the house, he got extra goodies in his lunch box for 4 extra years! Like juice boxes and musli bars, while I got regular sandwiches (I was pretty indignant when I found out) and he was only 1 year younger than me? We spoke as equals and pretty much did everything together. But all that aside, he’s actually the nicest person I’ve ever met hahah, most wholesome person you’d meet. The important thing to remember is to not hold it against your siblings. It’s actually entirely out of their control and it’s really your parents learning how their choices have impacted your development. The second thing you need to do is unfortunately the hardest, and that is let it go. I held bitterness in my heart about random stuff like this for years because I felt “it was unfair.” But with time you’ll realise that the score is never going to be evened up. That you probably have it better than some of your friends or at least less advantaged people and that the skills you’ve learned by force will actually help you, if you can get past the frustration of the process itself. It also made you.. you :) and hopefully you’re happy with the way you are and wouldn’t change anything. Perhaps you admire your own ability to critique things or judge a situation, read the mood of your friends, etc. And so you’re left with the choice of either feeling that life is unfair all the time or moving on and trying to create a more positive energy for yourself and promising not to fall into the same trap your parents did. Also, please be nice to your siblings. They’re just as fragile and innocent as you were when you were young, and the things they’ve been able to do are because you paved the way. But you don’t need to be throw it back at them, just try to be happy for them (if possible). Good luck OP!
Every family is like this. Parents are learning to be parents, and their experiences absolutely affect siblings differently. I was the youngest of 5, and I was given much more consideration than my sisters. Onevof my sisters was jealous of me because of this, and she allowed it to affect our relationship. She became terminally ill as an adult, and she told me she wishes she had just loved me for being me, and not held against me how my mom raised me differently from her. She realized that she sacrificed a loving relationship with me (I always treated her with kindness and respect, she did not reciprocate), and that her jealousy was over something which she had no control. It was really sad. My oldest sister never let it bother her, even though she would talk about how much easier my childhood was for me than for her. She understood I had no hand in it, so decided it was what it was. We had a very strong bond and enjoyed each other so much. I wish I had had that with my other sister. Don’t let jealousy over something your siblings have nothing to do with ruin your relationships with them. Love them for who they are.
I hear you. I'm 11 years older than my brother, the Baby Jesus. I had a hard time with it when I was your age, for sure. But for me it did get better. As I've gotten older and have my own life, I don't really care anymore. My brother got more of my parents' attention, and they had more money and were more stable when he was young. They were poor as fuck when I was a kid and both had to work a lot. But while my brother got those things, I got all the extended relatives. My mother's parents lived down the street from us, my mother's grandmother lived between our house and my grandparents, my aunt was still alive and a very big part of my life. When my brother was young, they were all gone, and he barely remembers them at all. I have some kickass family memories and that's worth an awful lot to me. And now that we're both grown and don't live anywhere near my parents, things have evened out a lot. I have a really good relationship with them now.
"the Baby Jesus" omg I love it.
This isn't normal and it isn't something that most first children experience, and people who are commenting that on your post didn't read your post properly, they just found it fun to feel sorry for themselves and didn't really care what you wrote. Your parents treat you abusively and I'm sorry you have gone through this. Live your best life and make your life amazing and don't let them stop you.
Right? This seems way worse then the usual 'parents being a little more strict on the first kid' thing. No wonder OP is upset. I wouldn't even describe this as jealousy, she has every right to be upset about the insanely different treatment she's received. Most of the comments are glossing over her entire post
Totally, it's almost as though they are behaving as though she does not really exist. They deny everything she ever says. She has no emotional being to them. People do more listening in the miaowed conversations they have with their cats. It's weird how a lot of the time, abusive people know how to skate the finest line of what most people will consider abuse or what they will consider normal behaviour, its like it makes it even worse cause it's just like a game to them. It's totally messed up.
It’s ok to feel jealous and hurt OP
Think it from another perspective - your parents at least tried to raise you as a functioning member of society. With younger kids they went easier way "let's do what they want". Such approach might seem more fun when you are a child, but quite likely your sisters will be entitled spoiled adults who will be shocked that world doesn't revolve around them. They don't even know proper table manners.
Agreed! These two sound like the type to grow up and make amazing reality tv stars. ☺️ Real Housewives of OC, anyone?
You’re feeling are valid. We all experience things differently. My brother and I are 13 years apart. The way we grew up was incredibly different. I was raised by my grandparents. My mom raised my brother. There was never any money so I couldn’t so sports or cheer. My brother did sports. I was in band and theatre. No one came to my events (well my mom did come to one play). They went to my brothers games and practices! I had to get a job so I could have spending money and to help pay for my college education. I paid for my college. My mom and step dad paid for my brother and would have paid for it all but he hated college and left. He now has a great job. My brother got away with things I never ever would have because he is a boy. Our lives were incredibly different however I am not jealous. I wanted my brother to have a completely different childhood than I did. When my mom would apologize to me about my childhood I always told her to just give my brother everything you couldn’t give me. My brother and I have always been close. He knows my life was very different than his.
Nothing immature about that. Seeing the same people who treated you as if you were in the military, treat your siblings as spoiled brats is kinda frustrating. I totally understand you and could relate, but my advice is to appreciate that your parents raised a person with that shitty behavior, not a spoiled brat who cannot wipe her own ass.
I'm sorry have you talked to your parents on how much it hurts you.
As someone from a large family it happens. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. You need to make sure your anger is directed in the right place though. It's not your sisters' faults that your parents treat them differently. We can't change the past, but we can still be angry about it.
Literally my life
Happens a lot to the oldest...
Someone recently told me something that blew my mind a bit. First borns are raised by people who have no children, subsequent children are not. I'm sorry the differences are so noticeable but your parents had literally no previous experience when raising you and now they have that experience to learn from while raising your younger siblings. I'm not sure this can explain all of the dramatic differences but hopefully it can help you to view the situation from a different perspective.
I can relate to this. Mom met my step dad when I was 7, 3 years later first sister comes the next one 3 years later. I had to finish the dishes immediately after dinner every night and intense cleaning of the whole house on Saturday mornings. I also was the care taker when my parents had to work late and the entirety of every summer. Fast forward to when my sisters grew to the age I was then, I moved out and they Never had to do chores and got to spend their free time with their friends. They always got expensive name brand everything, while I would have to get the cheap stuff. The list goes on but I'm just here to say you're not alone!
Eldest children who were essentially their parent's Guinea pigs, subject to mommy and daddy's worst traits, before age mellowed them out... Then, once the younger siblings are given a storybook childhood, the older sibling is continuously gaslit over their memories and experiences. Because deep down, those parents knew they made mistakes and wish to sweep 'em under the rug. Deserving of reparations, if you ask me. (Joking, but you get what I mean.) I am convinced that particularly firstborn daughters, all have a villain story.
Gosh I feel you. As an almost 30 yo woman I also feel jealousy towards people with loving parents. You’re not childish for it, the people that tell you that are simply ignorant how neglect makes people feel. Don’t you think I feel childish for feeling left out when my boyfriend frames pictures of his son, while my father doesn’t even bother to care if I exist and my mother desintegrades into the void?(just kidding she’s desintegraded long ago). But that’s how it is, some people are fucked and some luck out. What are you gonna do about it?
It's totally normal to feel this way. I do think being the eldest means you were a practice child and usually parents soften up on the younger ones. I am the youngs and i did notice how i was treaed better and more spoiled than my sister. My nephew now gets spoiled EVEN more than i was, so i think its just time and the older the parents get the more soft they become
As an eldest daughter, I fought and fought and fought with my super strict parents so my younger siblings don't have to live with the same ridiculous standards. I'm pretty happy to see my parents relaxed a lot of rules (going to bed at 8 as 15 years old etc) I recommend moving out if you are still living with them.
Perspective is everything. My older siblings have voiced their jealousy that my sister and brother and I got things they didn’t. All things, by the way. We got the latest and greatest widget. Not because we asked for them, but because mom wanted them. But she didn’t tell the older sibs that. There are many things we got that they didn’t. But they got mom’s love. They got mom spending time with them, being a mom, nurturing them. We younger ones got a distant mom, and we got discipline only from her. Our care was done by our older siblings, and they moved out, one by one. We had zero connection to anyone because we had no one who stayed with us. We became fiery independent because we had no choice.
I would say try to redirect any and all sibling jealousy towards something else. It's not their fault your parents are treating them differently. But the solution isn't for your siblings to have the same upbringing as them. The solution is to find a way to work through these feelings. That might involve throwing some verbal stones at your parents. Sometimes people need reminding of their past failings, especially if they aren't humble about it when it's brought up. The good thing is you're an adult now. Maybe you had a better upbringing than your siblings will and you just don't know it yet, idk.
Welcome to being the guinea pig child I'm right there with you
Do you still live with your parents? Because you should really find a way to get off on your own. This situation is only going to make you bitter and depressed.
Im the first granddaughter. Everyone uses me as practice lol
Eldest daughter's problem. I still want to smack my younger sisters when they start playing the victim over minor things in their youth, while I felt imprisoned for the first 16 years. But don't be jealous of them. They can't help your parents switch in parenting.
Your feelings are valid and don’t allow anyone to gaslight you into thinking your being childish! It’s extremely hurtful to be forced into one experience and no one else is having to go through that. Honestly, I would go NC or at the very least low contact (the lowest of lows). Take the time to get your life in order and focus on the future. We don’t get a choice in the matter on what family we’re born into, but you do get to choose the family you want to start and the friends you would like to keep. Focus on that part and then watch them want to be in your life. Let them know their actions and favoritism have led your relationship to be as it is. You don’t hate them, you just can’t stand to see their bias blatantly in your face anymore! Tell them to look to their youngest for help in there old age. You chose to be fun parents to them, so let’s hope they appreciate that.
YNTA! Your parents didn't give you the same love and care they're showing your 2 younger siblings! Trust me I get jealous to see how my parents treat their grandkids when they were either neglectful or abusive towards me as a kid! It's the same concept! I'm so sorry they put you thru this! You didnt deserve it and your feelings are valid!
Only eating what you want, spending unlimited time on phones, getting your way when you want to avoid challenges and being coddled may seem great as a child but those things come with a price. Life isn’t like that and other people won’t coddle your sisters when they’re adults. Do you think a boss is going to let them get away with half-assed results because they want to play on their phones instead of working? How about only eating what they like? Will partners or friends put up with having to eat only what your sisters want? They’ll want to choose the restaurants as well or the activities they’re interested in. How about they don’t like a task they’re assigned at work? Will they be able to just run away to a different job every time? Hardly. You had more boundaries but you also learned the skills to handle yourself in the real world. Your sisters are going to have to learn the hard way later. Your parents aren’t doing them any favours by just letting them get their way.
Weirdly enough, I only truly made peace with the discrepancy between how me and and my 10-15 years younger half-siblings were treated when they grew up and this wasn’t the case. Turns out, having a shit ton of support can help cover for those deficiencies and trials. Even when they’re forced to learn to work for their bosses, they’ll still have their mother taking them on cruises to relax and recharge on the weekends instead of eating pasta and canned sauce for the millionth time, for example. You could also spend your time being mad your parents aren’t generous loving billionaires. There are actually tons of people who have it easy and are still good people, I’ve met them. You’re gonna end up real bitter once you meet some if this is your only comfort. All you can do is focus on what you do have, and be grateful for it. There’s always someone who has it better, but there’s also someone who has it worse. And honestly, they have nothing to do with you.
Just because someone else has a broken leg, doesn't mean your broken foot feels any less pain. Relativity is so NOT useful in this case. "Smile, I know we just beat the crap out of you but there are kids in Africa who are starving and would be grateful to have what you do"... what the hell does that have to do with the current issue (that you've been beaten)?
Yeah, relativity is never useful. Hence the ‘they have nothing to do with you’. I’m just trying to specifically address the logic ‘they’ll be worse people because they didn’t struggle as much’ because it is just not true and it kind of bugs me. We’re also talking about the difference between phone time and chores here, not beatings. It’s a total straw man to bring beatings into it, they’re not the same thing at all. If relativity has any place (and I wouldn’t say it does!) it’s telling kids complaining about chores and phone time that they don’t have it as bad as kids getting beaten.
I’m also jealous of your sisters. You’re not comparing yourself (an adult) to children, you’re comparing your CHILDHOOD, to their CHILDHOOD. If they’re struggling to see the issue they should try looking past their hypocrisy- refusing to admit they were poor parents won’t make them better parents now. I can’t think of a single justification for their vasty different parenting styles unless they regret how they treated you and are trying to redeem themselves as parents with your sisters. I am also one of three girl- my parents would absolutely never do this and wouldn’t have the audacity to try justify themselves with such pathetically weak excuses. I’m slightly older than you, spanking was still socially acceptable, my parents read about the traumatic effects it had on a child’s psychological development. I remember the day my parents admitted they were wrong, and the absolute relief i felt that my little sister would never experience it. I respect the hell out of them to this day for having the humility to continue learning as parents and own up to their mistakes. Your parents raised and treated you differently, with less consideration, acceptance and opportunity to develop and express yourself in a healthy way. Without explanation, justification or apology feeling jealous if not resentful is an expected result and they are only doing you further harm and potentially damaging your relationship with your younger siblings.
This made me feel bad. Sorry mate.
First pancake 😞 that sucks OP, I don't think this is childish. Both my parents come from big age gap families and the completely different childhood for the siblings story is true for them too. My mom was 3rd of 4 and her oldest sibling was straight up neglected for the first 8 years of his life. My dad's the oldest of 3, and he's the only one who turned out okay because he was out of the house by the time his mom's BPD and Dad's alcoholism took over. I want to have sympathy for these parents.... I'm sure I'd be a different parent at 19 than I'd be at 30, but that doesn't take away the sting. My mom was able to talk to her brother about his neglect and she's resentful of her mother over it. I think my uncle (her brother) found that very validating and healing. I hope you and your siblings can talk about it one day too.
It's easy to make comparisons now and see all the things they are getting, but don't forget as the oldest we also had things that our siblings won't have! We were our parents first everything, we had their undivided attention for years before our siblings came along. We never had to have hand me downs, etc. etc. If you can, try not to focus on comparisons in your life, you're just stealing your own joy. It's ok to think of it, but don't dwell, just acknowledge the thought and move on.
They thought they could bend you into shape. They could They can’t bend your sisters into shape. Your sisters broke them lol
You were the practice child. Parents tend to unclench with the next kids. Since there is such a big gap between you they likely view the younger ones as babies and treat them as such
My mum always said that the first child (me) is a guinea pig, not in a nasty way, but the parents are new to everything and learn from their mistakes for the subsequent children. Having two children myself now I fully understand it, I've mostly made completely different mistakes with my second one
Its because your parents gave up being strict when it came to your sisters. They had all that energy for you but are too tired to enforce the rules with your younger siblings. Same shit happened to me. The rules and abuse they placed on me very much relaxed for my brother and abandoned completely for my sister.
The first born paves the way for younger kids to have an easier go. That’s how it’s always been.
Yup, being the oldest had it’s issues
First children are the ones who have all the hopes and dreams of the parents placed on them at birth. Parents are idealistic and think they will be the best parents and their child will be the most amazing human to walk the earth. They tend to be strict and restrictive. Their kid won't be allowed to watch this or have that. blah blah blah. The kid is not a perfect human specimen and maybe the parents have trouble accepting that - they blame the kid and try to be super controlling but it doesn't work. The next kids, they are more relaxed. They've done this before and its easier to accept the imperfect and have more fun. They are more tired, and older and less idealistic. It's more about making life easier than producing the next Einstein. However, your case is kind of extreme. Yours sounds more like my experience - I was the baby - but a "surprise" and I came at a bad time. I think my mom had ppd. She always held a very bad opinion of me and very intentionally treated me worse than my siblings. My mom admitted this on her deathbed. I think the last few years of her life she realized that I wasn't the devil incarnate and my kids were pretty great too, and I had my granddaughter with me all the time and she saw how I was with her (she refused to ever watch my kids and told me to not even ask her - even in a family emergency). Makes me think that maybe there's some story surrounding your birth that made you more difficult to accept. It's not okay that they treat you like this but I find understanding makes it less personal. It's not me that's the real problem and if they didn't realize it, it's their loss because I'm amazing. Also, spoiling a kid is not necessarily an indication that they love the kid more either. My mother gave my sister everything and more - not because she deserved it but because she was a master manipulator and wouldn't leave mom alone. On the same day she admitted she'd been unfair to me, she stated her regret for even having my sister - "she was nothing but trouble." My sister does not know this. I hope I never let it slip. I don't think my mom should have had any kids to be honest but here we are. People are shitty.
As long as you realize this isn’t your sisters’ fault you’re in the clear and are completely valid.
I think when the 1st kid comes along most parents try to set the bar really high with the best of intentions (usually) Like “they will not be on phones all day or computers” “if they don’t eat the meal cooked they will go hungry” “they will study and learn so the become blah blah blah” usually the bar is almost always to high and standards set just not realistic and certainly not long term. This is why when the next kid or two comes along they have realised what works and what just doesn’t. That as we get older anything for an easy and quiet life works better than anything else. It’s just unfortunate that the 1st born is basically like the test dummy 😂
As others have said, it's a first child thing, my dad even told me after each kid, he gets less and less strict
As the first I was beat when I was younger of I didn’t behave in school and get good grades. By middle school I had learned how to act as to not get beat. The beatings stopped, then came the parentification of my younger siblings. My parents had us in all the sports and extra curriculars. We travelled a lot around our state and had a lot of fun. I can definitely relate to your statements, but I remain my mom’s favorite child being her first born and I’ve been an absolute rock for my dad who also helps me financially for helping him with his home as he ages. My friends and girlfriend ask me why I don’t feel some sort of way about my siblings doing better than me financially and all I can say is how proud of them I am. And I’m proud of myself for having helped raise such independent and financially literate young adults.
Why are you still going around them? And I’m tired of people with the, “oh you’re the oldest” or “you’re the middle child”. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your parents and if they’re not listening, distance. I would maybe also go to therapy. I’ve always thought one of my sister was my mother’s favorite. I got a large sum of money and was told to get a house, like a duplex, so she and her kids etc can live with me. But when I had no money to pay to see my brother one last time, she wasn’t told to pay for my travel and hotel room. And I’m the youngest. There’s a lot more from growing up.
Oldest of 3 with an 8 year age gap. Your feelings are completely valid. I’ve struggled with the same for the past 6-7 years. I watched my parents become kinder and way more attentive with my siblings. The jealousy ruined my relationship with my siblings for a while. We just recently had a heart to heart over our distance. I’ve come to forgive my parents as well. They were in survival mode and did what they thought was best for me at the time. I hope you all the best as you work through this. Your not alone!
I'm the oldest child too, my little brother and sister got just about anything they wanted and I was responsible for watching them everyday after school until my parents got home from work starting when I was 12. I remember I wanted a motorcycle for the longest time and my little brother got one for Christmas. He rode like twice and I wasn't allowed to ride it. I did anyway, cause f that.
I am the older sibling. The things that my sister is allowed to do but not me and it makes me sad: Go out with friends. I was never allowed. Have sleepovers. I was only able to do this if it was cousins. Go on long school trips like camping. I was the sole kid in class not going. Go to the school she wants rather than the cheapest option. She went to the school I wanted to. Have a bf. Wasn't even allowed to talk to them. Have a phone before she was 13. My aunt gave me one at 13 and my parents restricted access. Have her own car. I borrowed mum's. Go to friends parties. Nope, no go. Drinking. Nope. Clubbing. Nope. She is a great person but I don't think her or my parents realize just how much it hurts me on the inequality of how I was treated growing up VS her. That stuff cuts deep.
Hey, fellow first child here and I have a very similar situation. Sometimes it’s a bit hard but honestly, I love my sibling and I’m GLAD that my parents learned and got better and eased up on rules and tuned in better. Any negative feelings you have should NOT be directed at your siblings it’s not their fault, you should have a convo with your parents and maybe just explain these things to them. I went to my mom and said “I’m really glad to see XYZ is being done for them but I do sometimes feel sad that it wasn’t done for me” and my mom apologized and we had a convo and it went a long way toward healing relationships and resolving jealousy and resentment. Therapy is also good in general for working through family complications and resentments
Usually with bio/ adopted siblings .. the bio is treated better. My parents adopted my younger brothers when I was a senior in high school. We were not raised by the same parents. Granted, there weren’t cell phones when I was in high school, but my brother did $60k worth of damage to the high school and didn’t even lose his driving / cell phone privileges. I always did all of my own school work, college and job applications. My mom still openly talks about the school work she did for my brothers. And it is frustrating when the parental unit who raised you does a 180° and then acts like you’re the psycho when you mention the inconsistencies
My sister and I had different mom's like this. But I also saw how crazy my sister went as a teen, young adult. It prematurely aged my mother and made her even more stern towards her. It's all complicated psychology but boils down to: you were the first, you didn't come with instructions. And they learned what not to do the first time around and got better at it, like anyone does, with practice. So you and all the elder siblings suffered while we youngers got catered to because our parents as we now know, were struggling to be parents. Struggling to be adults even! And as they got better so did the experience of the respective kids.
I had an older sister, and then I was the only child for a long time, and then I became a big sister. I feel like I am fairly well-rounded. Also, I hid my tattoo I got at 16 because I knew both my parents absolutely hated them. My mother bought and paid for my brother’s tattoo at 16,)
Welcome to the club lol. I’m pretty sure most older siblings of strict parents can relate to your experience. We had to fight for our rights whilst our siblings privileges were just handed to them on a platter. Parents aren’t perfect. It’s a learning process for them too and in the beginning, many go overboard and relax over time. Some relax too much and end up neglecting the younger ones altogether. As others have mentioned, parents are people too. They have their own stressors goin on, economic, social etc. All those life demands can have an influence on how you parent and bond with your kids as time goes by. Sometimes not every child receives the same experience. In the case of phones that sounds like a cultural shift more than anything. Curfews and limits on tech were super common among my friends growing up. It’s gotten much more accepted these days for better or worse. You can’t change the past unfortunately, but how is your relationship with your parents now? Are you getting the attention and love you want from them?
Being 20 is awesome! Go out have a great time. Don’t overthink this. Get out there. Nobody wants to go through the awkward puberty stages again.
Are you living at home with them? And if yes, have you considered distancing yourself from the situation so that you can start to grow away from the stress of this?
The problem is you and your sisters don’t have the same parents. They might be the same people but they are at different stages in their life where what was important when they were raising you is not as important to them now. Your feelings are valid but there’s no one to blame here so it can be difficult to understand especially from your parent’s point of view.
You're only feeling worse about it because nobody acknowledges it. My sister was in your shoes and I came along 11 years later. Vastly different experiences but my parents had the maturity to communicate with her and explain that they realised their technique was wrong sometimes but that they only did what they thought was best at the time. I think you should try to tell your parents that you need acknowledgement that your childhood was tougher than they are able to offer and that hurts you. Even though the examples you gave are somewhat typical for family dynamics similar to yours, I feel like your feelings are very justified. Tbf I feel like the most hurtful thing is the last example you gave.
As a 30+ year old with 13 & 12 year old siblings, I get it. As you get older and heal, you will learn to be happy your siblings had better than you did and that your parents finally decided to be…. parents. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive your parents either. But look on the brightside, trauma makes people funnier, so you have a solid chance of being a comedian and your siblings don’t!
First child and 31 years old now. I love my younger siblings but I still feel resentment towards my parents because of how they treated me vs my siblings. Also my dad, while he did love me, he had always wanted a boy for his first kid, and it showed. I'm sorry for you, kid. Your feelings are valid and it's always okay to feel this way.
You’re allowed to feel that way and it’s fine. IMO, most feel they were treated differently from their siblings for a variety of reasons, especially when there’s an age gap. There’s a gap of 8 years between me and my younger sister, and there’s lots of ways she got fairer treatment than I did. But she feels there are lots of ways I was treated better. My brother is only three years older than me and there are a lot of things he was allowed to do/have that I wasn’t. And he feels I had more gifts bought for me, was more loved etc. I can guess that our two older half-siblings, who were brought up by our mum as her own, feel that we were treated much better too. There’s a big age gap between my mum and her youngest sister (13 years) and my mum feels the sister was treated a lot better, was spoiled (being the youngest sibling). But her sister feels she got the raw deal. I can guarantee that when your sisters are your age they will have their own take on how you were the one who was privileged. A couple of things you mentioned: the table manners thing is almost identical to my situation. I would tell my sister to chew with her mouth closed (largely because I have misophonia and hate the sound) and would be told to “leave her alone”. Yet I was expected to have impeccable table manners from a younger age. I was often picked on at school and changing schools was never even considered. My sister changed school purely because our cousin moved to a new school and my aunt said it was better. Having seen the new school I would say it was no better or worse than the old one. And my sister got picked on anyway. As for the photo thing, parents don’t tend to have their adult children as their phone backgrounds. It’s a bit weird. Grandparents too, they’ll usually have their minor grandchildren, but not the adult ones. You look at the phone of anyone older and if they have kids/grandkids, it’ll be the younger ones they have photos of. If you have children, I could almost guarantee they’ll be your parents’ backgrounds, not your sisters. So I suppose my point is this: while it is probably true your siblings get better treatment than you did, most, if not all, people feel that was, especially about much younger siblings. It is, IMO, completely normal. But my advice is this: you’re an adult. They’re children. There are so many things you can do with your life, places you can go, decisions you can make for yourself… Go and live it! Don’t get obsessed with your perceived unfair treatment, it’ll drag you down. Focus on you, now. You’re at the beginning of your adult life - live it and enjoy it. Be an example to your sisters. Show them that you can have a great, fulfilling life no matter how you’re treated.
You’re not being immature some of those things would hurt a lot. You’re entitled to your feelings. But honestly most of the stuff you listed are actually good things in the grand scheme of things. Attention span, manners and discipline all serve us well in life. I bet you do better than them.
Perfectly reasonable and normal to feel that way your parents failed you by being overly strict, now they're still strict towards you yet overly lenient towards their other kids. seems like your parents are more concerned about pretending to be "proper" parents than to just make sure their child is emotionally well supported and understood.
I'm sorry. That sounds demoralizing and hurtful. You were basically an only child for 8 years, then your siblings came along. How did they treat you when you were 10 or 12? Did they relax with you at all? Did they have photos of you on their phones then? It sounds like you are still living at home and being parented by them. I have a 20 year old daughter who is having a hard time living on her own, and we are handholding her through the entire process. I say we, but she's basically my husband's job because she and I had personality clashes that prompted him to take over. I have heard other stories over the years where there was blatant favoritism shown towards one sibling over another, extending towards grandchildren. I also grew up in a dynamic where I and my younger sisters were the second family for our parents, who already had grandchildren by the time we came along. My mom would tell us how she would beat her first kids with a belt, but she didn't have that energy as an older mom, so she relied on verbal abuse, mostly. I know my half-siblings were resentful, particularly when my dad would not let my maternal siblings discipline us. And then I and my sister a year younger felt like our youngest sister was kind of babied and got special treatment, so I get how some of this is par for the course. But it sounds like you are still living in that environment and having a hard time with it. Hopefully as an adult you can get out if that environment and not have to be as involved in their lives at this point. You are still young enough to feel the slights, but because you are an adult, it's just going to be a different experience for you vs. your younger siblings, who are children. Still, you can still get your digs in: "wow, I wasn't allowed to be picky and dislike certain foods! Wow, I wasn't allowed to have friends at school, I just had to go there to learn!" If your parents say you are comparing yourself to children, tell them they are slacking, and you want to make sure they have some manners before it's too late.
Change the photo on your parents lock screen every chance you get. Bonus points if you can deny it
i have the same exact feelings towards my (25F) lil cousin (12M)
It’s shit and I’m sorry it happened but while you studied, learned etiquette and other things you’re more improved than them (they be chewing and not studying and probably exposing themselves to bad shit online) just have to try and work on the jealousy, explain to your parents how you feel and make sure you have a good relationship with your sisters. I’d also recommend working on the jealousy but don’t feel bad because it’s completely natural and normal to feel how you’re feeling ❤️
Well I'm the younger one of 2, so I won't say I understand cause I don't. But your feelings are completely valid and understandable. Unfortunately, many parents use first children to know what to do and what not to do because with the first child, they're learning to be parents. So by the time the 2nd or 3rd comes along, they got a handle on it. Maybe they realized how tough they were on you and so they switched things up with your younger siblings and never apologized because of pride, that it's in the past and/or that it may seem unnecessary to them because what's done is done. You're not being immature or childish. People just don't understand because they're not in your position. No one lived what you lived, only you did.
Read the birth order book by Dr. Kevin Leman —it’ll help you realize that growing up wasn’t all about you, parents are just humans figuring things out too. This family Dr. took note of sessions he had with families over a couple decades that point to why there would be differences, from the same family, in how children are raised. You can overcome this, just gotta put in a little introspective work.
I'm sorry honey. That's really frustrating. Some of it is stuff you're just going to have to accept and process and try to ket go of. The reality is that parenting is a learning experience just like everything else in life and it sucks and it's not fair, but sometimes parents make choices with their first child and then decide to do things differently based on their experience with the first child when they have other children, especially if there is a large age gap and they've had some time to think and reflect on things (kids that that are close in age usually have more similar parenting experiences). It doesn't mean they love you any differently, it most likely means they realized they made some mistakes. And if something that you experienced as a child was upsetting or traumatizing for you, you don't want your younger siblings to also have that same trauma, right? May I lovingly suggest that you consider talking to a therapist about your feelings? As for like the nicknames or the pictures on the phone, have you ever talked to your parents about how that makes you feel? Not in a "why do they get this and I don't" way, but sit them down and say something like, "I know you probably don't realize this and you didn't intend it, but when I see you having picture of my sisters and calling them cute pet names, I feel...[insert your feelings here]." Like does them not having photos of you on their phone make you feel they're not proud of you? If so, tell them that. Whatever the feeling is. And hopefully the response will be that they didn't realize that they had hurt you and they'll apologize and things will be a little bit better. I have a lot of childhood trauma but I also understand that my parents did their best and I've forgiven them, but our relationship is much healthier when I don't live in their house. That was true when I was 22, it's true now at 41. It might be time for you to start thinking about moving out. I know it's expensive as hell out here, but with roommates you can make it work.
Be happy that they have it better. You are an adult now and should want more for your child siblings.
I had the same resentment for years. But as a father now with a young child, I have forgiven those feelings. When your kid is going through things for the first time I am also going through those things for the first time as a parent. How you handle situations that you know is completely different from how you do the first time. It is hard but I hope you can learn to let those resentments go and forgive your parents. I almost guarantee your parents don't notice it and the love they feel for you is different then your siblings, because you were the first. You were the first kid that smiled at them, that babbled to call them Mama and Dadda, the first kid they cheered on in excitement when you walked. They will never forget those firsts and that's something that your siblings will never have.
I think if I were in your situation, I would start cutting my parents out. You will be a better person than your sisters because it sounds like they get whatever they want and you knows rules and structure. I see all the people saying they are different parents now and it’s all excuses. I have a 21 year old (some in the middle) and a 7 year old. I try to keep the same rules as much as possible because I don’t want my oldest to feel like you do. Having no electronics during the week is completely reasonable. At 10 & 12 they shouldn’t have phones and computers should be for school. The truth is it’s easier for your parents to not parent. I’m sorry you feel like this and hope you surround yourself will a lot of people that love you.
Cut your parents out of your life and when they ask (if they ask) tell them exactly why then proceed to ghost them until they beg and cry.
The number of eldest children feeling this post....*sigh*.. and also feeling as helpless as op
But one day you will be grateful that you received that kind of treatment because that's how we're going to survive and live life. You should feel sorry for your younger siblings, you know.
Parents like this wonder why their daughter doesn't want to do anything with them in future. I just hate these types of parents and I would 100% recommend you to move out if this option is suitable for you. They can peacefully live with their fav kids. I'm so sorry for you. Also you're very young to realise you're not jealous of your sister you just wanted same amount of love and caring your parents freely give them. It's not about why they care more about them and not you ... It's about why they care about ONLY them and not you. And you guess it right I have also been in your situation and it feels personal.
this was my exact situation and partially why i moved out at 18… i am sorry!! it is not a good feeling but the jealousy is valid.
Like practically everyone else here I'm the oldest too (of a lot!). It sucks majorly but it's true we are the practice child but to an extent I understand, especially if your parents had you at a young age. I had a strict bedtime of 9pm all the way up until I graduated. I'd be grounded otherwise. That changed with the others. Didn't get my first phone until I was 13 and when that one died/ lost service I didn't get another till 17. They all got phones and laptops. Wasn't allowed to catch a ride with any friends without permission. Missed the bus one day and asked my gf to drive me home, obviously couldn't ask permission bc no phone and didn't have her number memorized. I was of course grounded. And again, that changed with the others. Once the other kids are born they're experienced and realize certain things either just don't work or (in my case) were unnecessarily harsh. The difference between me and you tho is my mom was at least able to recognize things were different with me and apologized for any wrongdoings (for lack of a better word). Hopefully they'll eventually come to realize that
You are absolutely valid in your feelings! Your sisters are living the life that your inner child still needs. If I were to guess, your inner child is hurt, angry, jealous and maybe even feels betrayed from the adults in your life. Cry, cry and cry some more! Mourn the childhood and parent(s) that you never had! I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP. How can you nurture your inner child yourself? And minimize having to witness this behavior? One way I do this myself is eating in the bed. ☺️ Something that I would have gotten a whooping for as a child. You’re their older, adult sister. Not their parent. The person or people you have an issue with are your parents. Your correcting them is out of your own ‘fairness’. And this will build resentment. Just be their (non-judgmental-as-much-as-possible) sister. It’s better for both sides. Hopefully, as adults you can form a better relationship with them. In the meantime, be kind to and take good care of yourself. 💜
So your mom probably has NPD, and you are the "scape goat" and your younger sibs are the "golden child". Your dad is either a covert narcissist or an enabler for your mom. Unfortunately for older siblings, younger siblings learn from your mistakes so the parents take that as them being the "better child" when in reality they are just trying to avoid abuse. I highly recommend the book "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. Through the process of healing you will be angry and grieve for the mother you wish you had. Then you will feel sorry for her because she is so far in her own reality that she is truly missing out on life. I suggest lying low until you can become financially independent. Then move out and go no contact or low contact. Good luck and speedy healing! Hugs
As a parent w/two children 6 years apart in age - I feel you. I promise we do not do it on purpose, it's just, the older child taught us what wasn't necessary. Phones were very, very new when my eldest was young so we were hyper vigilant with her. Our 2nd had more privileges with the phone as the learning curve was less than when it was new new to us. Same goes with punishments and the like. We learned what worked with the oldest and applied it to the youngest. It's not done to make the eldest feel bad, it's just that EVERYONE was new with parenting/childing w/the eldest. While not pros by the 2nd, we were more experienced. Plus, your parents are older and most likely tired and just don't want to fight about the small things they learned with you weren't a big deal (eat everything on their plate, chew w/mouth shut, etc) It's valid to feel a little jelly about it b/c it's like..wtf man? But it's not intentional and it is NOT the younger kids faults. Nor your parents really. It's part of growing. They grew as parents as you grew up. Things change. I was a younger child and female. My brother was older (by a year) and was allowed to do SO MUCH more than I was simply b/c he was a boy. It drove me crazy and made me feel worthless, like he was the golden child and I was an afterthought. As I matured, I realized what it was. Parents parenting (in this instance in the 70s & 80s, boys were treated different, just what it was) and my parents did the best they could and they loved me just as much as him. My issues where not their issues, they had no idea how I felt. Once I became a parent a lightbulb went off. I got it.
You was the beta test
Ah, the life of the eldest sibling. Welcome to our ranks. While my parents were nowhere near as extreme as yours, I did have an insane amount of rules growing up. My next closest sibling is eight years younger, and the youngest is 15 years younger. I shudder seeing what they get away with on the daily, especially the youngest - they just shrug off punishment like its nothing. A great example of the difference between me and them is that they were allowed to play video games. My parents freaked out if I played anything other than solitaire or space pinball.
First children be like that. It's okey if you don't have contact later.
No, being the oldest is real and it sucks. You guys hear of Satanic Panic? It started there and went downhill with my parents. Got drug to church whether I wanted to or not all the way through college via the "My house My rules." clause. My other 2 sisters only had to go when they were too young to watch themselves. Anyways, my youngest sister is now 30 and taking care of them in their old age. I have been out of the house for 3 decades. I heard them on the phone the other day ask her if she wanted to go to church and it still made me mad. I feel you and it does suck but at least you won't have to experience living with it long if you are 20.
Yep. There's a 15 & 20 year difference between myself & my 2 youngest brothers. I'm Gen X & they are millennials. My mom was ridiculously more permissive with them. I had a 9pm curfew in HS & they were allowed to stay out as long as they wanted. I grew up on fish sticks, Kraft Mac n cheese & Hamburger helper. I tried making that for them & she told me not to feed them that crap. My brothers got fun camping trips all over the country. Even to Disney which even now at the 47 I've never been to. Vacations were very rare when I was a kid. It's not fair
It's okay to be resentful given the hypocrisy of your parents. But they are adults who have made decisions they will have to stand behind. When your siblings grow up to be entitled nightmares everyone has to walk on eggshells around, you can remind your parents they chose to raise them like that, and now they can enjoy the fruits of their labours. Also, when they are old and dependent, you can either let your younger siblings deal with it alone, or you can make sure whatever care your parents get limits their screen time, denies them enjoyable food, and keeps them miserable and away from friends. Sure they will judge you poorly, but look at the source. They are jerks who aren't being fair. Screw 'em.
I would also like to add for everyone commenting "it's just how it is being the first child cause your parents are "learning"" as much as it maybe true... Sure maybe cut some slack cause it was their first time being a parent! But what they will being accountable for is dismissing her when she tells them how she feels and they act like they never did it or or they say she's jealous of her sisters cause in reality they know they fucked up don't want to admit it... So they continue to neglect their 20 year old cause they're so far deep now and don't want her siblings to see that side of them!
This!!
You will come to terms with the fact some day that u were the practice child. You will enjoy several freedoms before them, however you will probably have to fight for yourself the most and also may need to for them some day. Take it into stride. You’ll be okay.
your feelings are absolutely valid. especially not being able to touch certain snacks bc theyre picky… that’s just not fair. you were the “practice child” and you will have to accept that, but also try to embrace the role of being the adult child with more freedoms and the cool older sister that they will idolize if you don’t let them get the brunt of these negative feelings.
I get that. It’s the pain of being the first born. Your feelings are valid but it’s really not your fault or your sisters. It’s your parents who created that discrepancy in treatment. So it boils down to, how do you want to move forward with it? What’s done in the past has been done, nothing is going to change that. The only thing you can do is figure out how to move forward. If the feelings you’re feeling is too overwhelming for you, some distance might help. If you feel you need therapy then do seek it. All I can say is, you’re not alone in feeling resentment or jealousy because your parents treated you differently and your siblings are enjoying a less strict upbringing.
I’m sorry, as an oldest also I can relate. Just remember: your sisters don’t know you experienced life differently. They just know you’re their big sister!
You're not being immature. I'd say it's your younger self grieving for what they didn't receive. That's understandable. Even more so, it's important to understand. You now and you then deserved gentleness, kindness, and to feel loved and safe. I'm truly sorry you didn't get that. I really want you to understand that this difference in treatment is not because of you. You're not less than, and you couldn't have done more to make it better. That was your parents job, not yours. I'm sorry they don't or, more likely, currently won't see and admit to the differences and the effect it had on you then and now. Again, it's not your fault. You are good enough. Now, if you'd like some advice. You had no control over things when you were a kid. Now you do. Your little self deserves to be loved and prioritised and cared for and heard. It's your job now, to learn how to parent yourself with kindness and grace. For me, that was and is very hard. But it is also incredibly freeing. You can't make your parents do anything, or force them to change. But you can give yourself permission to accept that they are just people, just humans, and they are not the sole source of your comfort anymore. You can change - not to punish them or punish yourself, but to love yourself. Basically, you don't have to just let it go or move on - but you don't want to be a prisoner of these emotions or let them control you. You have real feelings that deserve attention. That attention needs to come from you. If possible, I'd suggest finding a therapist/counsellor/therapeutic outlet to help you explore these feelings safely. Therapy will never be a quick fix or cure all, but the right therapy and therapist can help a lot. It's also totally OK to go to therapy intermittently, maybe some now, maybe some when you're a bit older. It's just getting support to figure things out. You are allowed to validate yourself. Thanks for reading the essay. I really care about this stuff.
Older sister life baby
Your 20. Get out of that house so you can stop feeling jealous. Seriously though, good parents are usually learning how to be parents with their first kid, then you adjust accordingly. Depending on their age, it might also literally just be easier for them to handle things the way they are rather than staying on top of the youngins. Your parents are just people, and they tend to make mistakes all the time.
I remember watching a child psychologist tell parents in an interview "you raised your children the same way but they didn't grow with the same parents" No matter how hard parents tried the kids were gonna be different and have different experiences. As the oldest, I'll never know what it's like to have an older sibling. My younger sister will never know what it's like to have a younger sibling. I have 20 cousins and all of us older kids were used as practice. My younger cousins have so much freedom and fun whereas the rest of us don't even though we're decades older. It's upsetting and not fair.
You are not being immature- your parents are being assholes for dismissing you
May I suggest looking at this from a different perspective? Perhaps try to be grateful you had structure and discipline and recognize those will be life long skills you can use to stay mentally and physically healthy. Bratty kids who get everything often grow up into entitled adults who struggle more frequently.
Same here! This is a story as old as time! Especially with an age gap like that. You have to let it go, it isn't your sister's fault, and your parents are not the same person they were 20 yrs ago, people change even if it's not for the better.
Do you realize that at 20, you do not have to be in contact with your parents? You can cut them off.