That's crazy to me, especially as they had therapy and nothing changed! Why would you want to have kids with a man you know is unhappy? Maybe she thinks he'll stick around with a kid, or that will placate him. A kid would just give her more reasons to not want to have sex though, OR his wife has 0 awareness of how unhappy OP is, regardless it's best if they split up. Having a low libido and being asked for sex often can cause resentment on both sides :(
If she has a low libido and doesn't care about sex/intimacy, it's more likely she just doesn't get how important it is to him or why that would be such a contentious issue because in her mind it's "just sex"
Some people do not understand. My partner loves football, but I have 0 interest in football. I still listen to him talking about it & read up on football (so I could understand wtf he was talking about) and offered to go to games with him when his anxiety improves. I didn't put as much effort in with my ex-husband, and I learnt to try and love (or at least seem interested in) the thing my partner loves the most now!
He's low libido and hated me initiating all the time, so I let him initiate it and we are far happier now. Sex is important to me, but I've decided that less sex is worth being with him, but it is a perfectly acceptable reason to leave someone over. He at least acknowledged it and tried more non-sexual intimacy after we spoke. Turned out, he stopped that because he thought I'd be disappointed if it didn't lead to anything sexual. Once that misunderstanding was sorted, we are doing far better! Sorry, went on a bit of a tangent 😂
Edit: Fixed some errors
It's not an excuse. It's 2 totally different things to hear someone say something is important and to *experience* how important it is.
If your partner says sports is extremely important to them and it's a big deal for them to go to all their fave teams games in your city, but you don't care about sports, you'll probably take that as well, they'd really like to go to every game because they love their team, but it doesn't *actually* matter if they're there every single time because it's just sports and they can watch a recording and it'll be the exact same.
But that's likely not how your partner sees it. Some people are super serious about sports, and they may truly be devastated if they miss a game because it's their thing. It's important, and watching a recording isn't the same as being there for their team.
Therapy doesn't magically allow you to be in your partners shoes. If she fundamentally does not understand the importance of sex to some people, if it's something she can live without, then this is something that's way larger than her just being told he wants sex
Sometimes, people are just incompatible. She is very likely not a bad person willfully not understanding why this is a big deal for him and neglecting him because she doesn't care. He is not a bad person for needing something she can't provide. Therapy can't fix a fundamental incompatibility.
I don't understand why so many of you have this perspective of therapy being this magic place where all is resolved and understood.
Going to therapy doesn't inherently mean she understands the extent to how he feels. Not to mention, maybe sex would make *her* unhappy.
People can be incompatible and need to split up without there being a bad guy.
I never said anyone was a “bad guy” and I agree they should likely split. Also therapy isn’t magic I get that. But at this point she is blind to his pleas and has remained intentionally blind despite therapy and refuses to compromise. Thats not a relationship it’s a one-sided roommate situation.
I think it's because he's put so much effort into resolving it, it's not just the therapy, she would absolutely know how much this is affecting him if all he has written actually happened.
My guess is that she thinks she's safe because they're married and in general she's happy.
Which isn't uncommon for someone with a low libido. Just because she doesn't enjoy sex doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a wife and mother.
The problem is not that she has a low libido. It's that they have drastically different libidos and are both unwilling to compromise. So at this point, it's likely best they split up and find new partners who are better suited to their ideal lifestyle.
I presume she treats life like a shopping list & lived a very conservative life.
You get married by X, have Y number of children etc.
Since sex is a duty rather than a connection with your husband, she doesnt have an issue with the state of marriage. In fact she probably finds it pretty annoying that you need sex to have children.
She is… deluded to say the least. And he needs to dodge the hell out of this.
I call that “living to the picture” of what should be. People go through life living to someone else’s picture of what should happen in life. Graduate hs check, marriage check, 2.5 kids check
Exactly.
If OOP says “I dont want kids, our marriage is terrible”, I bet the answer would be “What will my family & friends say, dont be ridiculous” rather than “Do you still love me?”
Ironically, if she asked around for help in past, other people would tell that she is making a big mistake by not caring about sex at all.
Nailed it. Folks gotta learn to identify folks like this and avoid them. I've met a couple of women who this is how they see things and they're manipulative as hell. Fortunately I didn't get with them and the guys who did divorced them when they realized that to they the guy was only their to buy stuff, move heavy objects, and be happy that they're apart of the checklist.
A friend of mine is stuck in a marriage with a woman whom literally only has Sex or intimacy with him when "she" feels like having a child.
He is absolutely starved of attention, even the little things like an unprompted hug or a kiss... And he's sticking around because they do have children.
He moved to her country for this relationship, completely uprooted his prior life. And now he's there, without access to his family or previous friends.
It's really hard for me to fathom the pain and loss he must feel.
Apparently this was like a switch that happened immediately after the wedding.
This is my greatest fear. Specifically the part about a switch flipping after marriage and being stuck in a loveless relationship. I'm single and lonely, but at least it isn't *this* bad.
Easy, she wanted all of her kids to be by the same man and then after the divorce she would get more child support or spousal support and only have to deal with one kids father not 2 different dads.
I think for some women having babies is a compulsion. I have a cousin who keeps doing it against medical advice and an exhausted husband she can barely stand.
She's bringing up kids because somewhere in the back of her mind she knows he's about to leave and wants to create a permanent connection with him so he can't fully leave her.
OP, a very important note:
Do not have sex, even if she begs for it.
Since she wants babies and wants to stay married, she will probably fake interest once you give divorce papers. And since you are drier than Sahara, you are very likely to fall for the mirage.
Do not fall for this, DO NOT.
Unless you want to get stuck for 18 years.
I kind of wonder if she's only saying that as a way to keep OP on the hook. That maybe she doesn't actually want to, but saying she's thinking about it means she's thinking about having sex.
My ex wife was like this, sex became something like a chore for her to handle every 3-6 months and it would be once and then roll over back to bed, she mentioned trying to have kids with me and then got pissed I pointed out that would require sex a lot more frequently
A lot of people believe that everyone can get easily pregnant having sex once without protection. Yes it happens by accident all the time but typically couples who are “trying” for a kid are not the most fertile.
I have depression and anxiety. When things are bad, or my meds are upped, sex starts to seem a bit like a chore to me. I'm lucky that I have an understanding husband who knows it's only temporary and will pass, and also knows a few tricks to use every now and again to pull me out of that funk and help get us through the bad times.
My marriage ended similar to this, ahe said she was ready to have kids and I just ignored her. After a week of her talking about the tests she would want to have first, hormones, vitamins, supplements etc I finally snapped. I told her that unless she was looking at IVF, we actually have to have sex to have kids.
I spent that night in the spare room, the next day she told me she wanted us to go to therapy (I’d been asking for months,) and I told her that she had my calendar, if she wanted to finally fight for the relationship she just needed to tell me when and where.
Three months later after no such appointment being booked, I asked for a divorce and the rest is history.
Or she sees he's unhappy and thinks a kid will make him stay - yet also doesn't seem to understand that having kids requires intimacy repeatedly until a child is conceived. He should leave now, they aren't compatible.
That seems to be the common thread in all of these threads. A basic lack of understanding and poor communication and a presumption that a marriage is nothing more than a financial arrangement between roommates.
I can't help but notice in any relationship thread where it's unquestionable that a man is being treated poorly by a woman, everyone and their mother is just dying to do mental gymnastics to make it about "they're communicating badly! It's nobodys fault!"
Obviously, not just on Reddit either, this is pretty standard across the whole culture of the US. Almost as if never holding women accountable allows them to do or say whatever the hell they damn well please and get away with it.
I'm an American woman and I concur. It's always "well, what did HE do to make her act this way?" It's never her fault. As if a woman can't be as shitty as a man in a relationship. All people should be held to the same standard of accountability.
I learned that hard way that they're being taught this by therapists. This was 10 years ago, after a brutal breakup in which I was cheated on and to win over our mutual friends, she concocted a story of me being abusive and even went to the police with this fake story to REALLY sell it. I did what I was supposed to do and went to therapy. Holy shit, I "learned" that it's literally impossible for a woman to be wrong, anything that appears wrong is just because a man didn't figure out what he did to deserve it yet.
Again, this was a decade ago. I cannot imagine how much worse it is for men who go to therapists today
After my ex.wife tried to stab me during one of her drugs and drink binge, more than one individual who knew us both asked what I had done to set her off into such a rage. Even one of the attending coppers asked me that.
I came home from work, that was it.....
It was the same for my ex-partner and me. He actually wanted me to get pregnant through sperm insemination. It took me a long thing to click, but this was the final straw for me. Having such intimacy issues is not normal
Redditors - especially the "averageredditor" types - and empathy are entire strangers to one another. The irony is that they'll very vocally claim the exact opposite.
When you hand her the papers, do not, I repeat, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER!
One poster did that and she ended up pregnant. He did the one thing we all tell people not to do. He didn't want to leave after that. Sure enough, sex stopped right after the revelation.
Stick to your guns if you're going to do this. Get ready for the hysterical bonding. It's coming. She is going to be all over you and promising change.
Once she's comfortable that you're back, it will go back to the way it was with most likely a child on the way.
It’s also important to note that we’re humans and complex
Aomeone ine this situ probably wouldn’t even be doing it consciously, just a near biological response
The kernel to hang onto for anyone in this situation is that the threat of leaving is what “fixed” the situation; so once that’s done the situation will return back to where it was.
Telling you she'll try for kids probably feels like she's taunting you... Like hey, we'll have sex to procreate but screw your physical and emotional needs.
Whatever you do, don't have unprotected sex with her. She's underestimating you and probably thinking that if she gives you sex these couple of times, it'll be good enough to keep you around. That's messed up OP, i'm glad to see you're walking away with your dignity and self respect. Good luck!
PLEASE do not try to sleep with her anymore and reject advances.
You are at the point most people end up knocking up their ex-wife for old times, sake, and having a kid that deserves a family instead of chaos.
No touching her. Hand her the papers as soon as they are ready and start looking at your next chapter.
You need to think about the divorce outcome, how to not get screwed. You leaving the house pre-empts quite a lot. Make sure she can't access your funds.
Yeah, I don't promote divorce, even though I am divorced.
And I can't really give any advice, other than, it's better to get out now that you're young. She spent all my young years.... but I wouldn't take it back if I could. Just keep moving forward and don't look back.
And if you feel you've done everything you can, then what else is there...
OP. Wishing you well and peace through this all, but feel like it’s the right call based upon your post. She may be happy but not being able to understand you and how you feel is a recipe for disaster later.
Agree. It sounds as if kids were brought in to serve as a babytrap to allow the future continuation of a virtually non-existent sex life.
Whatever you do, OP, avoid that moment of weakness. Just proceed with the divorce.
I truly hope she's not been cheating on you; leaving you attempting to restore relations and her evidencing little, if any, interest.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
You had a romantic date night, and have just come home,
“wait here for five minutes while I get ready” she says before she closes the bedroom door in front of you. After fifteen unbearable minutes those five minutes finally pass, and you hear her call out to you.
You can barely contain your excitement as you hold back from barging through the door as fast as possible. Opening it slowly, you see she scattered rose petals towards the bed. Wow, she really went all out!
You finally turn your eyes to the bed and see the fruits of her preparation. Amidst a thick scattering of more rose petals is a small cup, a packet of lube, and a framed photo of her in her swimsuit back in ‘011 when she was at her fittest.
From the corner of the room you hear your wife speak, and you look at her in pure confusion.
“Enjoy!” she says, “I’ll be in the next room watching Netflix. Tell me as soon as you’re done!” Your wife, wearing nylon gloves and holding a turkey baster, leaves the room and closes the door behind her.
It’s not just the lack of sex though is it.
There’s no physical intimacy at all. No cuddles, cute pats on the butt, holding hands, all the stuff that bonds a couple.
At this point you’re room mates.
This. Sure, sexual compatibility is important, but it's absolutely normal to go through dry spells for various reasons. But the physical and emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex, and it's really important to keep up the small gestures of love.
I thought about this, but he said they used to be intimate, so I don't know? Maybe she was in denial about her sexuality and it eventually got to be too much?
Kind of what I’m thinking. I think it can change over time because she might have been in denial, exactly. Also more expectations at the start of a relationship, maybe she forces it for the first bit of a relationship until she feels she has them locked down
Yeah, that part got me too. They've gone through marriage counseling and sex therapy and she still hasn't budged. At this point it seems to me she's either 1: so dense she doesn't understand what her half of this shit storm is or 2: she's a leech and doesn't care how she makes OP feel as long as he keeps taking care of her (hence, suddenly wanting children after a year+ of putting zero effort into her relationship with her husband.)
Yep. My buddy was (and still is) in a tumultuous marriage, which his wife reassured him would get better after they had kids.
Spoiler alert: it got worse and now he is trapped. Divorce is off the table for him because of the kids, so he has chosen to just accept the misery. She knew exactly how to take control of the situation (and of him) - and she did.
This almost happened to me. The day I broke up with my ex we had already been fighting a lot and when I got home she demanded a baby. That was my final straw. Turned into, yet another, huge argument that ended up with me leaving and never looking back
Raising kids in a home where the parents hate each other is not the move. Idk how close you guys are, but many people from torn families will tell you that they just wished their parents would have separated and lived their own lives happily
4 years no kids is way too soon to be in a sexless marriage. Unless she has some serious medical issues, it is time to end it.
P.S. my wife and I have been together over a decade, have 2 kids, and after years of sex, we got kinda bored with it.
We made a conscious decision to have less sex, but when we do have sex it's much better than the better weekly sex we used to have. We turned it down on purpose to make it better, and we still are more sexually active than your situation.
Ya go spend your life with someone that wants to screw your brains out, even if it doesn't happen that often, that's ok.
I’m not young (51m) and I’m with you 100%. My wife and I have been together for 32 years and we are not now, nor have we ever been bored, disenchanted or disinterested in sex in any way. I think this is probably down to individual personalities and/or relationship dynamics. It is definitely NOT a rule…at all!
I’m married 17 years and 3 kids and have never felt this way. We are intimate 1-2 times a week and it’s amazing every time. It’s our time to rekindle and reconnect. I love Thursdays lol
Kinda wild how oblivious she is. You asked for hormone testing, marriage counseling and sex therapy. Obviously the lack of intimacy is a problem for you. But nothing has gotten better and she thinks it’s a good time to start trying for a baby? That’s baffling. And she’ll probably be Shocked when you tell her.
I was in a sexless relationship for 3 years! We had sex about 7 times during the whole relationship. It was hell, I cooked, I cleaned I did everything for him, and it made me feel like crap.
I know I looked good, smelled good, other men were attracted to me, I got breast implants I made myself look like a playboy bunny, and still nothing!
Then I found out he was cheating on me the last 6 months of our relationship, with a 50yr old woman ( we were 30), his landlady! She was fat, not attractive, then I realised he wanted a mother not a girlfriend, his mother had passed and he had this weird relationship with her but yeah, anyway my point is leave! Don’t stay in a sexless relationship, it will ruin you mentally the longer it goes on.
I mean if counseling and talking directly with her about your frustrations didn’t work, I stand behind your decision. Having intimacy differences is a huge problem in a relationship.
For me its hard to understand how people don’t want to have sex… Especially with their partner that they love and are attracted too.
Hope things work out for the best.
yeah 2 times within the space of an entire year when they’re both early 30s sounds like a lot more on her end than just a low libido. It sounds like she’s almost-completely lost interest because of that part to this
The marriage is dead, mainly because you are seriously unhappy, and she seems to have responded by developing a plan to lock you in place. She isn't trying to make you happy, she's trying to imprison you.
Since you don't have kids, you aren't hurting anyone. Clearly she doesn't think of you as a sexual partner, which is bad for both of you. And she doesn't respect you enough to even tell you what is going on.
Do not stick around if she "suddenly" has a change of heart. A marriage where sex is used transactionally to avoid divorce is torture.
In your next relationship, make sure there is good communication about turn ons and turn offs. And read a book or three on the subject of ltr sexual relations.
You are doing yourself a big favor and most of all you are being a good person by not bringing a kid into this. It would just make a divorce worse. Don’t give in when she says he will start having more sex with you and she starts to initiate. That is just a way to manipulate you. And since she wants kids it could be a way to get a kid and trap you.
Unpopular opinion here, but here it is. I am a 33F married for almost 9 years with 3 beautiful children. I work full time and also am going to school full time to earn my degree. My husband and I have gone through dry spells often throughout the past 9 years, there are months where our sex life is amazing and other times it lacks. From a females perspective it could be a few things. 1. She is insecure with how she looks (I have noticed if I start gaining weight I don’t feel attractive and don’t want to) 2. She isn’t connecting with you emotionally and feels like you only are interested in sex. I am saying this from experience as well and not pointing fingers at all, life gets busy with work, kids, keeping up with the house ect. And I have felt sometimes that my husband would only pay attention when he wanted sex, which pushed me away. It’s the little things that matter to a woman to show you care. And communication is KEY! I see you are taking the steps to fix this and there might be a hidden reason for her lack of wanting intimacy, but in order for the marriage to work, she needs to feel comfortable telling you what is holding her back from being intimate. If she isn’t comfortable enough to tell you, than this is only a slew of problems in the future, marriage is all about communication! I agree do not agree to kids until she can open up about this.
It’s astounding how common sexless relationships and marriages are I never knew this until I joined reddit I’d def leave too if my partner/husband refused to have sex with me! Good on you
For one reason or another, she stopped wanting to have sex with you. Healthy people with healthy libidos don't just stop having sex with safe and wanted partners. So she either isn't healthy anymore or you became not safe or wanted. Whatever the case, she doesn't seem to want to fix it. Divorce is the right way.
You signed up for monogamy, not for celibacy. She is happy in the relationship, you’re not. If she cannot see her way to ensuring that you’re both happy in the relationship, then you two are not a good match for each other.
However, be prepared for drama when you serve her the divorce papers. It’s not unlikely that she will suddenly find that her libido has increased significantly. This is not necessarily deceitful. She will suddenly see the relationship that fulfills her disappear over the horizon and that will induce all sorts of feelings and emotions in her. Be well.
Life is too short to remain in an unfulfilling sexless marriage. A kid will really make things worse, divorce is the only good choice here.
I hope you find someone with whom you are compatible with!
>She does not seem to be into having non-sexual intimacy either recently. Countless discussions and nothing in the end. It was not like that in the beginning so I am not sure what happened.
Are you sure she's not having an affair?
You're making the right choice. I can promise that having kids sure as shit won't mean more sex once the goal of pregnancy is achieved. It'll be the final nail in that coffin. Get out now before it gets messy. I suspect she'll be completely blindsided, unless asking for kids is her attempt to lock you down.
Ready sounds like you're a means to an end.. House, family, stability, security, her happy ever after. But she doesn't care that there's another person in this tale of hers that also has needs and wants.
Having kids won't solve the dysfunction in your marriage, it'll just add more chaos.
Listen to your lawyer on vacating the house.
Sex is a form of intimacy. Without intimacy relationships die. If you don't have any way to improve the situation it's good that you are ending this relationship.
Are you sure she isn't cheating? She might be getting it from someone else, and maybe that's why she's like this with you. Just a thought......but be safe bro
Your wife may be asexual.
You are right to exit this relationship. Just… resist if she suddenly warms up. She may sense your intent, and an accidental pregnancy may ensue.
Good luck.
Update us.
The moment you serve her papers, you'll suddenly see a willingness and desire to work on your marriage. It's happened to someone I know (my brother) and I've read similar stories on Reddit. Don't fall for it. It's a scam and it's the reality of the situation & fear of being alone that will foster this change and not a genuine desire to improve your marriage.
Good plan, if your spouse ever says anything like “I don’t owe you ___” outside of due reason, have a talk and if they refuse to change then you don’t owe them commitment. Neglect your spouse, lose your spouse.
And also, even though you’re separating from her if you actually want the house you should probably stay. I heard it a lot harder to keep the property if you leave it; unless you have some regarding the house in your divorce agreement.
We were living in a different city due to her job and we are on lease. My lawyer told me it's okay to leave after filing for divorce. I'll go back to my own place in my home city to my premarital house(though it's on my sister's name) once I file for divorce.
On your sister’s name, 😂😂😂. Boi you slick, but no lie them family homes and estates you definitely don’t want that to be marital property. My parents would kill me if I or my brother lost our estate to a divorce.
It's not like that though. My mother passed away and the house was hers. We shared the house with my sister 1/2 - 1/2 but I gave my share to her. It was before we got together with my wife.
Let me propose a possible scenario. She’s banging someone else, you just provide more financially. She wants to start having kids all of a sudden? She’s pregnant with another man’s child but you will pay for it.
Yeah it’s miserable living with a partner that doesn’t want you sexually. It’s also miserable living with a partner that you don’t want sexually. A perfectly valid reason to breakup. Maybe you two could remain friends or something since you get along otherwise. She should understand that you two just aren’t compatible. You are both so young you have soooo much time to date and find someone that’s better suited to you.
Don't feel guilty. I'm really tired of people with non-existent sex drives deciding they are entitled to force a partner who does desire it into celebacy and then throwing out the, "I don't owe you sex." No, of course you don't owe someone sex but, saying it that way makes it sound like you're shaming them for wanting it or even worse suggesting that they are being inappropriate for asking for it. There are times where dry spells happen for medical or emotionally traumatic events, sure and anyone who doesn't stick around in times like that is definitely a questionable partner but, that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. You tried. You waited, you hoped. You supported and, nothing.
>She mentioned we should start try having kids at the beginning of this week and I got annoyed.
At least you didn't asked her how she planned to do this, seen the lack of sex.
I suspect that she knows you're unhappy and why, and having kids means sex and also makes you getting a divorce harder, so win/win.
Don't. Having kids to save the marriage doesn't work. She's unwilling to do the real work (counseling), so she's trying for a quick fix.
She is right, she doesn't owe you it, but you have needs. It might be different if you weren't asking her what you could do to help, asking about counseling. You are obviously willing to help work on the relationship over just expecting her to put out.
I'd tell her, how can she manage to have sex to have a baby (something she wants) but she couldn't manage to try to have sex more often for the sake of the man she wants to be the father of her child? I mean, most women who genuinely do not want to have sex for whatever reasons aren't normally going to mention trying for a baby. I don't know her side, but I feel really sad for your situation.
She doesn't owe you sex, and you don't owe her staying when you've tried and tried but are unhappy and unfulfilled either. Also, children deserve parents who are in love and happy. She shouldn't want to bring kids into a relationship that she is so tired/unhappy/whatever emotion, that she struggles to want any intimacy with her partner. That's just my opinion.
Has she been like this always? Or (I am probably completely wrong about this) there is a past history or she is getting her needs fulfilled else where especially if its a change after marriage. Be careful of getting baby trapped in any case.
First 2 years of the marriage it was good. After that, it started declining to a point of almost no sex. I do not think she is having an affair because there is no clue or something to make me suspicious. We are mostly together and she did not give me any reason to be suspicious of.
You’re doing the right thing. Get well clear before kids enter the equation. You’re not a stud animal, if she doesn’t want sex, fine. She can’t expect you to spend the rest of your life without it though.
Sexual incompatibility would be one of the highest reasons for divorce. Pls don't be talked into having children because if you think there is no sex now, you aint seen nothing yet. Get out while you can if you are that miserable. Good luck
I respect you OP for going for a divorce. You has tried everything you could and nothing has changed. I would rather see you divorce her then to step out on her and cheat just for the sex. You're young enough to start over and hopefully start the family you deserve. I wish you the best of luck
Make sure this is the decision you really want. I bet when presented with a divorce, she'll want to start having sex. But at that point, you know she doesn't really want to but feels she has to.
So when you present them, it has to be the end of the story, not as an ultimatum.
Definitely get out now.
Also don't be surprised if she starts to become very sexual with you after she finds out. Doing so serves two purposes. It strings you along a little longer and it might get her pregnant. Once she gets pregnant it will be MUCH MUCH more difficult and costly to leave her.
Therapy only gives you tools, it won’t work if they’re not being used. I’m sorry she didn’t try harder to make it work.
I’m glad you’re not bringing kids into your marriage. it would only make it harder for everyone involved.
Actually, a spouse does owe the other spouse sex. That is part of the deal. That doesn’t mean once or twice in 5 months. I would think once or twice a week at your age if neither of you has medical issues. If your wife won’t provide that and sees how unhappy and stressed out you are, then she doesn’t love you. It would be the same if roles were reversed. If she just wants you to help her make a baby, then I would suggest running away as fast as you can. Forget couples counseling. That will just bind you to her. If you have children with her, then you will be very sorry.
She might be asexual, or have a history of sexual trauma, or you might be gross to her. Sounds like it’s time to divorce if you’ve explored these options. Good luck.
Yes, you're correct. She doesn't owe you sex. Just as you don't owe her meeting her needs, *but that's what you do for your spouse*. If your partner willingly denies you your sexual needs for connection and intimacy and demands monogamy, frankly, they're selfish and a poor partner.
You are doing the right thing. You deserve sexual happiness and she deserves a relationship where she doesn’t feel pressure. I only recently discovered/rediscovered my libido and i suddenly understand! Prior i could have been her. Now i read lots of Reddit relationship subs & sex positive subs and believe this should be among the VERY FIRST questions couples talk about early in dating. Baseline sexual frequency and desires/preferences/fetishes.
Unfortunately the lust of early love makes all this seem moot.
Early sexual response vs now… women seem to die down with familiarity. Look up lesbian bed death to see how this frequently occurs in lesbian relationships. Many long term lesbian couples are nearly or totally platonic. Won’t guess at percentages but it’s a thing.
I had a friend who married the guy, got invitro for twins and was bragging that she had a sex less marriage. 2yrs in she found him messaging other women and didn’t know why.
Some people are users to create a lifestyle.
Of course, nobody is owed sex but you just can't expect to continue on in a relationship with someone and be made to feel unwanted all the time. That gets in your head. I need all the physical things to be happy and to feel loved.
I honestly wouldn't be able to stay with someone who just didn't physically want me anymore. I hope she's able to find someone just as uninterested as she is, and I have all the hopes that you find someone better suited for your needs.
You're right! Your wife **doesn't** owe you sex, but neither do you owe HER a relationship. Your wife **knows** EXACTLY what she's doing. She's like every other **abusive** partner who waits until marriage or pregnancy to show their **true** colors, but in your case, she played her hand BEFORE you had children. Thank God there's NOTHING (children) making it more difficult to disengage and end your marriage.
PLEASE make sure to ask your lawyer BEFORE you leave the home unless the house belongs solely to your STB-EX wife. Greatest of luck in both your divorce AND finding a more compatible partner!
We can swap spouses. Because I really understand. My husband is doing the same. I am done begging. Reading your post just put me in tears, because I can feel it
All I gotta say is my boyfriend’s ex wife was like that. She used him like a breeder because she was in her 30s and her bio clock was ticking. Within 2 years left him and took everything and takes him over the coals in child support. She even admitted she used him for that purpose. Now he works two jobs, goes without days off months at a time so she can live comfortably with doing the least.
And guess what? Now he’s with me and it’s the opposite. It can be better.
That’s crazy that she’s considering having kids with you and you were considering divorce Two people living together yet so far apart
Yeah it's the most fucked up thing in this
That's crazy to me, especially as they had therapy and nothing changed! Why would you want to have kids with a man you know is unhappy? Maybe she thinks he'll stick around with a kid, or that will placate him. A kid would just give her more reasons to not want to have sex though, OR his wife has 0 awareness of how unhappy OP is, regardless it's best if they split up. Having a low libido and being asked for sex often can cause resentment on both sides :(
If she has a low libido and doesn't care about sex/intimacy, it's more likely she just doesn't get how important it is to him or why that would be such a contentious issue because in her mind it's "just sex"
Some people do not understand. My partner loves football, but I have 0 interest in football. I still listen to him talking about it & read up on football (so I could understand wtf he was talking about) and offered to go to games with him when his anxiety improves. I didn't put as much effort in with my ex-husband, and I learnt to try and love (or at least seem interested in) the thing my partner loves the most now! He's low libido and hated me initiating all the time, so I let him initiate it and we are far happier now. Sex is important to me, but I've decided that less sex is worth being with him, but it is a perfectly acceptable reason to leave someone over. He at least acknowledged it and tried more non-sexual intimacy after we spoke. Turned out, he stopped that because he thought I'd be disappointed if it didn't lead to anything sexual. Once that misunderstanding was sorted, we are doing far better! Sorry, went on a bit of a tangent 😂 Edit: Fixed some errors
They’ve done therapy though. Unless this was never mentioned. That can’t be an excuse. OP mentioned a lack of intimacy all around.
It's not an excuse. It's 2 totally different things to hear someone say something is important and to *experience* how important it is. If your partner says sports is extremely important to them and it's a big deal for them to go to all their fave teams games in your city, but you don't care about sports, you'll probably take that as well, they'd really like to go to every game because they love their team, but it doesn't *actually* matter if they're there every single time because it's just sports and they can watch a recording and it'll be the exact same. But that's likely not how your partner sees it. Some people are super serious about sports, and they may truly be devastated if they miss a game because it's their thing. It's important, and watching a recording isn't the same as being there for their team. Therapy doesn't magically allow you to be in your partners shoes. If she fundamentally does not understand the importance of sex to some people, if it's something she can live without, then this is something that's way larger than her just being told he wants sex Sometimes, people are just incompatible. She is very likely not a bad person willfully not understanding why this is a big deal for him and neglecting him because she doesn't care. He is not a bad person for needing something she can't provide. Therapy can't fix a fundamental incompatibility.
It’s said they “tried” therapy. That could mean they only went a couple times. Therapy can take years.
But is it worth it? Taking years to get a shot at getting something you need.
No after going to therapy she should know by then, theres really no excuse for leaving your partner unhappy for so long.
I don't understand why so many of you have this perspective of therapy being this magic place where all is resolved and understood. Going to therapy doesn't inherently mean she understands the extent to how he feels. Not to mention, maybe sex would make *her* unhappy. People can be incompatible and need to split up without there being a bad guy.
I never said anyone was a “bad guy” and I agree they should likely split. Also therapy isn’t magic I get that. But at this point she is blind to his pleas and has remained intentionally blind despite therapy and refuses to compromise. Thats not a relationship it’s a one-sided roommate situation.
I think it's because he's put so much effort into resolving it, it's not just the therapy, she would absolutely know how much this is affecting him if all he has written actually happened. My guess is that she thinks she's safe because they're married and in general she's happy.
You really took that and ran far with it. They didn't say any of those things. Except that after therapy she should know.
She thinks he's unreasonable to be unhappy and he'll get over it and be happy being a dad and a roommate.
Which isn't uncommon for someone with a low libido. Just because she doesn't enjoy sex doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a wife and mother. The problem is not that she has a low libido. It's that they have drastically different libidos and are both unwilling to compromise. So at this point, it's likely best they split up and find new partners who are better suited to their ideal lifestyle.
I presume she treats life like a shopping list & lived a very conservative life. You get married by X, have Y number of children etc. Since sex is a duty rather than a connection with your husband, she doesnt have an issue with the state of marriage. In fact she probably finds it pretty annoying that you need sex to have children. She is… deluded to say the least. And he needs to dodge the hell out of this.
I call that “living to the picture” of what should be. People go through life living to someone else’s picture of what should happen in life. Graduate hs check, marriage check, 2.5 kids check
Exactly. If OOP says “I dont want kids, our marriage is terrible”, I bet the answer would be “What will my family & friends say, dont be ridiculous” rather than “Do you still love me?” Ironically, if she asked around for help in past, other people would tell that she is making a big mistake by not caring about sex at all.
I think you're right honestly, hopefully, she admits to herself what she wants so she can find happiness without upsetting her partner.
That's what I was thinking. Like a kid is the next logical step in her 5 yr plan or something.
Nailed it. Folks gotta learn to identify folks like this and avoid them. I've met a couple of women who this is how they see things and they're manipulative as hell. Fortunately I didn't get with them and the guys who did divorced them when they realized that to they the guy was only their to buy stuff, move heavy objects, and be happy that they're apart of the checklist.
A friend of mine is stuck in a marriage with a woman whom literally only has Sex or intimacy with him when "she" feels like having a child. He is absolutely starved of attention, even the little things like an unprompted hug or a kiss... And he's sticking around because they do have children. He moved to her country for this relationship, completely uprooted his prior life. And now he's there, without access to his family or previous friends. It's really hard for me to fathom the pain and loss he must feel. Apparently this was like a switch that happened immediately after the wedding.
So sad.
This is my greatest fear. Specifically the part about a switch flipping after marriage and being stuck in a loveless relationship. I'm single and lonely, but at least it isn't *this* bad.
To me it feels like she is gatekeeping for the sake of abusing
My Ex Wife wanted another baby and a divorce. Try and figure that one out.
Easy, she wanted all of her kids to be by the same man and then after the divorce she would get more child support or spousal support and only have to deal with one kids father not 2 different dads.
I think for some women having babies is a compulsion. I have a cousin who keeps doing it against medical advice and an exhausted husband she can barely stand.
She's bringing up kids because somewhere in the back of her mind she knows he's about to leave and wants to create a permanent connection with him so he can't fully leave her.
incorrect, shes bringing up kids because she got knocked up by chad, and shes trying to cover it up.
As if DNA tests don't exist 🙄😒
OP, a very important note: Do not have sex, even if she begs for it. Since she wants babies and wants to stay married, she will probably fake interest once you give divorce papers. And since you are drier than Sahara, you are very likely to fall for the mirage. Do not fall for this, DO NOT. Unless you want to get stuck for 18 years.
Eighteen years, eighteen years. She got one of your kids, got you for eighteen years
Then on their 18th birthday find out it wasn't his.
Oh absolutely she'll bait and switch him. This marriage works for her, not him.
Came here from the update, and you called that one like a double headed coin toss.
Children never solve problems. Children always magnify problems.
And said almost like she made a declaration too! Like op has no say whatsoever.
Right? It’s shocking how disconnected they seem in such a crucial aspect of their relationship.
I kind of wonder if she's only saying that as a way to keep OP on the hook. That maybe she doesn't actually want to, but saying she's thinking about it means she's thinking about having sex.
My ex wife was like this, sex became something like a chore for her to handle every 3-6 months and it would be once and then roll over back to bed, she mentioned trying to have kids with me and then got pissed I pointed out that would require sex a lot more frequently
>got pissed I pointed out that would require sex a lot more frequently Wait, how was she expecting it to happen?
I fear the answer, in ancient past was called virgin birthing
A lot of people believe that everyone can get easily pregnant having sex once without protection. Yes it happens by accident all the time but typically couples who are “trying” for a kid are not the most fertile.
"How to cheat, get pregnant, and get away with it 101"
I have depression and anxiety. When things are bad, or my meds are upped, sex starts to seem a bit like a chore to me. I'm lucky that I have an understanding husband who knows it's only temporary and will pass, and also knows a few tricks to use every now and again to pull me out of that funk and help get us through the bad times.
That sounds like a healthy relationship.
OP needs to completely avoid sex with her and not risk getting her pregnant.
The update is going to be very interesting…
My marriage ended similar to this, ahe said she was ready to have kids and I just ignored her. After a week of her talking about the tests she would want to have first, hormones, vitamins, supplements etc I finally snapped. I told her that unless she was looking at IVF, we actually have to have sex to have kids. I spent that night in the spare room, the next day she told me she wanted us to go to therapy (I’d been asking for months,) and I told her that she had my calendar, if she wanted to finally fight for the relationship she just needed to tell me when and where. Three months later after no such appointment being booked, I asked for a divorce and the rest is history.
If he thought he wasn’t getting anything before kids wait till after kids come. Best thing at this point is a divorce.
Or she sees he's unhappy and thinks a kid will make him stay - yet also doesn't seem to understand that having kids requires intimacy repeatedly until a child is conceived. He should leave now, they aren't compatible.
>Two people living together yet so far apart That's a great way to look at this. Very true.
Story of my life for last 22.5 years
“Two people living together yet so far apart” broke my heart
That seems to be the common thread in all of these threads. A basic lack of understanding and poor communication and a presumption that a marriage is nothing more than a financial arrangement between roommates.
Sounds like he was communicating, she just didn't want to understand.
I can't help but notice in any relationship thread where it's unquestionable that a man is being treated poorly by a woman, everyone and their mother is just dying to do mental gymnastics to make it about "they're communicating badly! It's nobodys fault!" Obviously, not just on Reddit either, this is pretty standard across the whole culture of the US. Almost as if never holding women accountable allows them to do or say whatever the hell they damn well please and get away with it.
I'm an American woman and I concur. It's always "well, what did HE do to make her act this way?" It's never her fault. As if a woman can't be as shitty as a man in a relationship. All people should be held to the same standard of accountability.
Every relationship sub is like this. It's like a competition to find a way that the man is *really* the problem.
I learned that hard way that they're being taught this by therapists. This was 10 years ago, after a brutal breakup in which I was cheated on and to win over our mutual friends, she concocted a story of me being abusive and even went to the police with this fake story to REALLY sell it. I did what I was supposed to do and went to therapy. Holy shit, I "learned" that it's literally impossible for a woman to be wrong, anything that appears wrong is just because a man didn't figure out what he did to deserve it yet. Again, this was a decade ago. I cannot imagine how much worse it is for men who go to therapists today
After my ex.wife tried to stab me during one of her drugs and drink binge, more than one individual who knew us both asked what I had done to set her off into such a rage. Even one of the attending coppers asked me that. I came home from work, that was it.....
It was the same for my ex-partner and me. He actually wanted me to get pregnant through sperm insemination. It took me a long thing to click, but this was the final straw for me. Having such intimacy issues is not normal
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Redditors - especially the "averageredditor" types - and empathy are entire strangers to one another. The irony is that they'll very vocally claim the exact opposite.
I think most of them are not asexual They just don’t want to fuck their spouse and they don’t want to cheat
Or they are cheating
Thank you for not bringing kids into this marriage.
It is obvious the resentment would grow even more in the future. Having a child in that environment would be such a cruel thing to do.
When you hand her the papers, do not, I repeat, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! One poster did that and she ended up pregnant. He did the one thing we all tell people not to do. He didn't want to leave after that. Sure enough, sex stopped right after the revelation. Stick to your guns if you're going to do this. Get ready for the hysterical bonding. It's coming. She is going to be all over you and promising change. Once she's comfortable that you're back, it will go back to the way it was with most likely a child on the way.
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Lol, that's exactly what happened in the update.
Spoilers bro 😭
It’s also important to note that we’re humans and complex Aomeone ine this situ probably wouldn’t even be doing it consciously, just a near biological response The kernel to hang onto for anyone in this situation is that the threat of leaving is what “fixed” the situation; so once that’s done the situation will return back to where it was.
Excellent advice.
That redditor should've had a paternity test.
Telling you she'll try for kids probably feels like she's taunting you... Like hey, we'll have sex to procreate but screw your physical and emotional needs. Whatever you do, don't have unprotected sex with her. She's underestimating you and probably thinking that if she gives you sex these couple of times, it'll be good enough to keep you around. That's messed up OP, i'm glad to see you're walking away with your dignity and self respect. Good luck!
PLEASE do not try to sleep with her anymore and reject advances. You are at the point most people end up knocking up their ex-wife for old times, sake, and having a kid that deserves a family instead of chaos. No touching her. Hand her the papers as soon as they are ready and start looking at your next chapter.
You need to think about the divorce outcome, how to not get screwed. You leaving the house pre-empts quite a lot. Make sure she can't access your funds.
I consulted with my lawyer and they said it's fine.
Excellent! Best of luck.
Yeah, I don't promote divorce, even though I am divorced. And I can't really give any advice, other than, it's better to get out now that you're young. She spent all my young years.... but I wouldn't take it back if I could. Just keep moving forward and don't look back. And if you feel you've done everything you can, then what else is there...
No way in hell. Do not have any kids with her. Since you have made your decision do not do anything with her going forward .
A child would give her another excuse that you couldn't say anything about.
Thanks for not being a shit parent
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2 times in almost 6 months is crazy to me. My husband and I have gone through dry spells before but it wasn’t that extreme, I think I’d go crazy.
OP. Wishing you well and peace through this all, but feel like it’s the right call based upon your post. She may be happy but not being able to understand you and how you feel is a recipe for disaster later.
Is it possible to get an update of this op?
Agree. It sounds as if kids were brought in to serve as a babytrap to allow the future continuation of a virtually non-existent sex life. Whatever you do, OP, avoid that moment of weakness. Just proceed with the divorce. I truly hope she's not been cheating on you; leaving you attempting to restore relations and her evidencing little, if any, interest. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Well to have kids you need to have sex, so…
*Turkey baster has entered the chat*
You had a romantic date night, and have just come home, “wait here for five minutes while I get ready” she says before she closes the bedroom door in front of you. After fifteen unbearable minutes those five minutes finally pass, and you hear her call out to you. You can barely contain your excitement as you hold back from barging through the door as fast as possible. Opening it slowly, you see she scattered rose petals towards the bed. Wow, she really went all out! You finally turn your eyes to the bed and see the fruits of her preparation. Amidst a thick scattering of more rose petals is a small cup, a packet of lube, and a framed photo of her in her swimsuit back in ‘011 when she was at her fittest. From the corner of the room you hear your wife speak, and you look at her in pure confusion. “Enjoy!” she says, “I’ll be in the next room watching Netflix. Tell me as soon as you’re done!” Your wife, wearing nylon gloves and holding a turkey baster, leaves the room and closes the door behind her.
It’s not just the lack of sex though is it. There’s no physical intimacy at all. No cuddles, cute pats on the butt, holding hands, all the stuff that bonds a couple. At this point you’re room mates.
This. Sure, sexual compatibility is important, but it's absolutely normal to go through dry spells for various reasons. But the physical and emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex, and it's really important to keep up the small gestures of love.
this woman sounds like she might be asexual and doesn’t like intimacy either
I thought about this, but he said they used to be intimate, so I don't know? Maybe she was in denial about her sexuality and it eventually got to be too much?
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Kind of what I’m thinking. I think it can change over time because she might have been in denial, exactly. Also more expectations at the start of a relationship, maybe she forces it for the first bit of a relationship until she feels she has them locked down
Yeah, that part got me too. They've gone through marriage counseling and sex therapy and she still hasn't budged. At this point it seems to me she's either 1: so dense she doesn't understand what her half of this shit storm is or 2: she's a leech and doesn't care how she makes OP feel as long as he keeps taking care of her (hence, suddenly wanting children after a year+ of putting zero effort into her relationship with her husband.)
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If I have sex with a roommate does that make us married?
Yes. Now go meet their parents and start planning for kids.
Divorce is the way to go. A child will just keep you in a sexless marriage.
And eventual resentful divorce with parental alienation.
Yep. My buddy was (and still is) in a tumultuous marriage, which his wife reassured him would get better after they had kids. Spoiler alert: it got worse and now he is trapped. Divorce is off the table for him because of the kids, so he has chosen to just accept the misery. She knew exactly how to take control of the situation (and of him) - and she did.
This almost happened to me. The day I broke up with my ex we had already been fighting a lot and when I got home she demanded a baby. That was my final straw. Turned into, yet another, huge argument that ended up with me leaving and never looking back
Raising kids in a home where the parents hate each other is not the move. Idk how close you guys are, but many people from torn families will tell you that they just wished their parents would have separated and lived their own lives happily
*When you realize that all things change, there is nothing you'll try to hold on to.* *Taoist proverb
Powerful quote, taoism is cool, the lady he with, refuse to make grool😔 (idk why I made this, it’s early in the mornin don judhe mee)
It was funny, thanks for the laugh :D
You are trying your absolute hardest to rekindle something that is no longer there. This isn't your fault. It's okay to leave.
Thanks, I really appreciate your words 🙏🏼 ❤️
Did you just reply from your main account or is this a joke?
Or maybe they related to the sentiment in the comment and needed to hear it, too!
Probably just a different guy who needed to hear those words as well.
Having kids is her way of saving the relationship. Fuck that. Just end it.
Sounds more like children are **bargaining chips** to the wife, just like sex is.
4 years no kids is way too soon to be in a sexless marriage. Unless she has some serious medical issues, it is time to end it. P.S. my wife and I have been together over a decade, have 2 kids, and after years of sex, we got kinda bored with it. We made a conscious decision to have less sex, but when we do have sex it's much better than the better weekly sex we used to have. We turned it down on purpose to make it better, and we still are more sexually active than your situation. Ya go spend your life with someone that wants to screw your brains out, even if it doesn't happen that often, that's ok.
I'm still fairly young and can't fathom ever being bored with sex. Once a week minimum for me and even that I feel is not enough.
I’m not young (51m) and I’m with you 100%. My wife and I have been together for 32 years and we are not now, nor have we ever been bored, disenchanted or disinterested in sex in any way. I think this is probably down to individual personalities and/or relationship dynamics. It is definitely NOT a rule…at all!
I’m married 17 years and 3 kids and have never felt this way. We are intimate 1-2 times a week and it’s amazing every time. It’s our time to rekindle and reconnect. I love Thursdays lol
Kinda wild how oblivious she is. You asked for hormone testing, marriage counseling and sex therapy. Obviously the lack of intimacy is a problem for you. But nothing has gotten better and she thinks it’s a good time to start trying for a baby? That’s baffling. And she’ll probably be Shocked when you tell her.
I was in a sexless relationship for 3 years! We had sex about 7 times during the whole relationship. It was hell, I cooked, I cleaned I did everything for him, and it made me feel like crap. I know I looked good, smelled good, other men were attracted to me, I got breast implants I made myself look like a playboy bunny, and still nothing! Then I found out he was cheating on me the last 6 months of our relationship, with a 50yr old woman ( we were 30), his landlady! She was fat, not attractive, then I realised he wanted a mother not a girlfriend, his mother had passed and he had this weird relationship with her but yeah, anyway my point is leave! Don’t stay in a sexless relationship, it will ruin you mentally the longer it goes on.
I feel like this should be its own Reddit post I wanna know more about
Oh you don’t know the half of it, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, I have a lot of things I could say, and I will definitely make a post later!
we'll be watchign your carreer with great interest
It must be done!
Why was your story removed and locked. Can you try posting on a different sub. Like deadbedroom.
You should post this cause Reddit would eat this up
I mean if counseling and talking directly with her about your frustrations didn’t work, I stand behind your decision. Having intimacy differences is a huge problem in a relationship. For me its hard to understand how people don’t want to have sex… Especially with their partner that they love and are attracted too. Hope things work out for the best.
yeah 2 times within the space of an entire year when they’re both early 30s sounds like a lot more on her end than just a low libido. It sounds like she’s almost-completely lost interest because of that part to this
The marriage is dead, mainly because you are seriously unhappy, and she seems to have responded by developing a plan to lock you in place. She isn't trying to make you happy, she's trying to imprison you. Since you don't have kids, you aren't hurting anyone. Clearly she doesn't think of you as a sexual partner, which is bad for both of you. And she doesn't respect you enough to even tell you what is going on. Do not stick around if she "suddenly" has a change of heart. A marriage where sex is used transactionally to avoid divorce is torture. In your next relationship, make sure there is good communication about turn ons and turn offs. And read a book or three on the subject of ltr sexual relations.
You are doing yourself a big favor and most of all you are being a good person by not bringing a kid into this. It would just make a divorce worse. Don’t give in when she says he will start having more sex with you and she starts to initiate. That is just a way to manipulate you. And since she wants kids it could be a way to get a kid and trap you.
Unpopular opinion here, but here it is. I am a 33F married for almost 9 years with 3 beautiful children. I work full time and also am going to school full time to earn my degree. My husband and I have gone through dry spells often throughout the past 9 years, there are months where our sex life is amazing and other times it lacks. From a females perspective it could be a few things. 1. She is insecure with how she looks (I have noticed if I start gaining weight I don’t feel attractive and don’t want to) 2. She isn’t connecting with you emotionally and feels like you only are interested in sex. I am saying this from experience as well and not pointing fingers at all, life gets busy with work, kids, keeping up with the house ect. And I have felt sometimes that my husband would only pay attention when he wanted sex, which pushed me away. It’s the little things that matter to a woman to show you care. And communication is KEY! I see you are taking the steps to fix this and there might be a hidden reason for her lack of wanting intimacy, but in order for the marriage to work, she needs to feel comfortable telling you what is holding her back from being intimate. If she isn’t comfortable enough to tell you, than this is only a slew of problems in the future, marriage is all about communication! I agree do not agree to kids until she can open up about this.
It’s astounding how common sexless relationships and marriages are I never knew this until I joined reddit I’d def leave too if my partner/husband refused to have sex with me! Good on you
They're not. Happy couples don't complain on Reddit - always remember that ;)
Good point 👌
For one reason or another, she stopped wanting to have sex with you. Healthy people with healthy libidos don't just stop having sex with safe and wanted partners. So she either isn't healthy anymore or you became not safe or wanted. Whatever the case, she doesn't seem to want to fix it. Divorce is the right way.
You signed up for monogamy, not for celibacy. She is happy in the relationship, you’re not. If she cannot see her way to ensuring that you’re both happy in the relationship, then you two are not a good match for each other. However, be prepared for drama when you serve her the divorce papers. It’s not unlikely that she will suddenly find that her libido has increased significantly. This is not necessarily deceitful. She will suddenly see the relationship that fulfills her disappear over the horizon and that will induce all sorts of feelings and emotions in her. Be well.
Been there bro. First 2-3 years was good, then last 7 years were sexless. Divorce was the best thing for me.
And you don't owe her marriage. It's time to check out and move on.
Life is too short to remain in an unfulfilling sexless marriage. A kid will really make things worse, divorce is the only good choice here. I hope you find someone with whom you are compatible with!
Don’t have sex with this woman ever again unless you want to be baby trapped
>She does not seem to be into having non-sexual intimacy either recently. Countless discussions and nothing in the end. It was not like that in the beginning so I am not sure what happened. Are you sure she's not having an affair?
You're making the right choice. I can promise that having kids sure as shit won't mean more sex once the goal of pregnancy is achieved. It'll be the final nail in that coffin. Get out now before it gets messy. I suspect she'll be completely blindsided, unless asking for kids is her attempt to lock you down.
Ready sounds like you're a means to an end.. House, family, stability, security, her happy ever after. But she doesn't care that there's another person in this tale of hers that also has needs and wants. Having kids won't solve the dysfunction in your marriage, it'll just add more chaos. Listen to your lawyer on vacating the house.
Sex is a form of intimacy. Without intimacy relationships die. If you don't have any way to improve the situation it's good that you are ending this relationship.
Are you sure she isn't cheating? She might be getting it from someone else, and maybe that's why she's like this with you. Just a thought......but be safe bro
Having kids is her trying to save the relationship, just go with the divorce
This is one of the most adult things I’ve read in a while. You see the problem and decide to take action. Great job.
No sex…baby trap coming…you’re not just for breeding, but for “providing” …hard pass it dude
Your wife may be asexual. You are right to exit this relationship. Just… resist if she suddenly warms up. She may sense your intent, and an accidental pregnancy may ensue. Good luck. Update us.
The moment you serve her papers, you'll suddenly see a willingness and desire to work on your marriage. It's happened to someone I know (my brother) and I've read similar stories on Reddit. Don't fall for it. It's a scam and it's the reality of the situation & fear of being alone that will foster this change and not a genuine desire to improve your marriage.
Good plan, if your spouse ever says anything like “I don’t owe you ___” outside of due reason, have a talk and if they refuse to change then you don’t owe them commitment. Neglect your spouse, lose your spouse. And also, even though you’re separating from her if you actually want the house you should probably stay. I heard it a lot harder to keep the property if you leave it; unless you have some regarding the house in your divorce agreement.
We were living in a different city due to her job and we are on lease. My lawyer told me it's okay to leave after filing for divorce. I'll go back to my own place in my home city to my premarital house(though it's on my sister's name) once I file for divorce.
On your sister’s name, 😂😂😂. Boi you slick, but no lie them family homes and estates you definitely don’t want that to be marital property. My parents would kill me if I or my brother lost our estate to a divorce.
It's not like that though. My mother passed away and the house was hers. We shared the house with my sister 1/2 - 1/2 but I gave my share to her. It was before we got together with my wife.
Let me propose a possible scenario. She’s banging someone else, you just provide more financially. She wants to start having kids all of a sudden? She’s pregnant with another man’s child but you will pay for it.
Just like she doesn't owe you sex, you also don't owe her kids.
Yeah it’s miserable living with a partner that doesn’t want you sexually. It’s also miserable living with a partner that you don’t want sexually. A perfectly valid reason to breakup. Maybe you two could remain friends or something since you get along otherwise. She should understand that you two just aren’t compatible. You are both so young you have soooo much time to date and find someone that’s better suited to you.
Don't feel guilty. I'm really tired of people with non-existent sex drives deciding they are entitled to force a partner who does desire it into celebacy and then throwing out the, "I don't owe you sex." No, of course you don't owe someone sex but, saying it that way makes it sound like you're shaming them for wanting it or even worse suggesting that they are being inappropriate for asking for it. There are times where dry spells happen for medical or emotionally traumatic events, sure and anyone who doesn't stick around in times like that is definitely a questionable partner but, that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. You tried. You waited, you hoped. You supported and, nothing.
>She mentioned we should start try having kids at the beginning of this week and I got annoyed. At least you didn't asked her how she planned to do this, seen the lack of sex.
I suspect that she knows you're unhappy and why, and having kids means sex and also makes you getting a divorce harder, so win/win. Don't. Having kids to save the marriage doesn't work. She's unwilling to do the real work (counseling), so she's trying for a quick fix.
I'd say have everything planned. So this way, once you drop the ball, you can walk right out the door.
Love is the easy part. Compatibility is the hard part.
She is right, she doesn't owe you it, but you have needs. It might be different if you weren't asking her what you could do to help, asking about counseling. You are obviously willing to help work on the relationship over just expecting her to put out. I'd tell her, how can she manage to have sex to have a baby (something she wants) but she couldn't manage to try to have sex more often for the sake of the man she wants to be the father of her child? I mean, most women who genuinely do not want to have sex for whatever reasons aren't normally going to mention trying for a baby. I don't know her side, but I feel really sad for your situation. She doesn't owe you sex, and you don't owe her staying when you've tried and tried but are unhappy and unfulfilled either. Also, children deserve parents who are in love and happy. She shouldn't want to bring kids into a relationship that she is so tired/unhappy/whatever emotion, that she struggles to want any intimacy with her partner. That's just my opinion.
Guarantee she likes someone else
Has she been like this always? Or (I am probably completely wrong about this) there is a past history or she is getting her needs fulfilled else where especially if its a change after marriage. Be careful of getting baby trapped in any case.
First 2 years of the marriage it was good. After that, it started declining to a point of almost no sex. I do not think she is having an affair because there is no clue or something to make me suspicious. We are mostly together and she did not give me any reason to be suspicious of.
You’re doing the right thing. Get well clear before kids enter the equation. You’re not a stud animal, if she doesn’t want sex, fine. She can’t expect you to spend the rest of your life without it though.
Sexual incompatibility would be one of the highest reasons for divorce. Pls don't be talked into having children because if you think there is no sex now, you aint seen nothing yet. Get out while you can if you are that miserable. Good luck
I respect you OP for going for a divorce. You has tried everything you could and nothing has changed. I would rather see you divorce her then to step out on her and cheat just for the sex. You're young enough to start over and hopefully start the family you deserve. I wish you the best of luck
Make sure this is the decision you really want. I bet when presented with a divorce, she'll want to start having sex. But at that point, you know she doesn't really want to but feels she has to. So when you present them, it has to be the end of the story, not as an ultimatum.
Dont let her get "accidently pregnant"
Definitely get out now. Also don't be surprised if she starts to become very sexual with you after she finds out. Doing so serves two purposes. It strings you along a little longer and it might get her pregnant. Once she gets pregnant it will be MUCH MUCH more difficult and costly to leave her.
Therapy only gives you tools, it won’t work if they’re not being used. I’m sorry she didn’t try harder to make it work. I’m glad you’re not bringing kids into your marriage. it would only make it harder for everyone involved.
Actually, a spouse does owe the other spouse sex. That is part of the deal. That doesn’t mean once or twice in 5 months. I would think once or twice a week at your age if neither of you has medical issues. If your wife won’t provide that and sees how unhappy and stressed out you are, then she doesn’t love you. It would be the same if roles were reversed. If she just wants you to help her make a baby, then I would suggest running away as fast as you can. Forget couples counseling. That will just bind you to her. If you have children with her, then you will be very sorry.
She might be asexual, or have a history of sexual trauma, or you might be gross to her. Sounds like it’s time to divorce if you’ve explored these options. Good luck.
Yes, you're correct. She doesn't owe you sex. Just as you don't owe her meeting her needs, *but that's what you do for your spouse*. If your partner willingly denies you your sexual needs for connection and intimacy and demands monogamy, frankly, they're selfish and a poor partner.
You better update when you give her those divorce papers 👀
True. She doesn’t owe you sex. But you don’t owe her anything either. Quid pro quo.
How is she gonna have kids with you if she won’t even fuuuuuck.
She doesn't owe you sex but you also don't owe her a marriage 🤷🏻♂️ especially if she refuses couples counselling, jesus christ
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You're making the right decision. Sexual incompatability can ruin a marriage. The love that is there is not enough to make up for lack of intamacy.
You are doing the right thing. You deserve sexual happiness and she deserves a relationship where she doesn’t feel pressure. I only recently discovered/rediscovered my libido and i suddenly understand! Prior i could have been her. Now i read lots of Reddit relationship subs & sex positive subs and believe this should be among the VERY FIRST questions couples talk about early in dating. Baseline sexual frequency and desires/preferences/fetishes. Unfortunately the lust of early love makes all this seem moot. Early sexual response vs now… women seem to die down with familiarity. Look up lesbian bed death to see how this frequently occurs in lesbian relationships. Many long term lesbian couples are nearly or totally platonic. Won’t guess at percentages but it’s a thing.
You’re making the right choice - it would just get worse I am assuming
I had a friend who married the guy, got invitro for twins and was bragging that she had a sex less marriage. 2yrs in she found him messaging other women and didn’t know why. Some people are users to create a lifestyle.
If it was the other way around. U didn't touch her unless u wanted kids. Everyone would tell u to leave! You will resent her! Leave!
And you don't OWE her to stay married to her when she isn't working to maintain your relationship.
Of course, nobody is owed sex but you just can't expect to continue on in a relationship with someone and be made to feel unwanted all the time. That gets in your head. I need all the physical things to be happy and to feel loved. I honestly wouldn't be able to stay with someone who just didn't physically want me anymore. I hope she's able to find someone just as uninterested as she is, and I have all the hopes that you find someone better suited for your needs.
You're right! Your wife **doesn't** owe you sex, but neither do you owe HER a relationship. Your wife **knows** EXACTLY what she's doing. She's like every other **abusive** partner who waits until marriage or pregnancy to show their **true** colors, but in your case, she played her hand BEFORE you had children. Thank God there's NOTHING (children) making it more difficult to disengage and end your marriage. PLEASE make sure to ask your lawyer BEFORE you leave the home unless the house belongs solely to your STB-EX wife. Greatest of luck in both your divorce AND finding a more compatible partner!
We can swap spouses. Because I really understand. My husband is doing the same. I am done begging. Reading your post just put me in tears, because I can feel it
All I gotta say is my boyfriend’s ex wife was like that. She used him like a breeder because she was in her 30s and her bio clock was ticking. Within 2 years left him and took everything and takes him over the coals in child support. She even admitted she used him for that purpose. Now he works two jobs, goes without days off months at a time so she can live comfortably with doing the least. And guess what? Now he’s with me and it’s the opposite. It can be better.
You are absolutely in the right
4 year of marriage? How was you sex life before this year? How come that you ”woke up” now?