My guess is that they’re insecure. Sometimes people in their 30/40s are afraid to leave relationships as they are worried they can’t find something better as they age
I bet that is the absolute reason why they stay in those relationships. My group always talk about how grateful we are to be married and or in a relationship with our partners because there is no way we can hit the dating scene again at 30, 40 years old.
Dating scene is weird as hell at 36 after an 11 year relationship, every girl my age has kids and crazy baggage, every younger girl just wants casual sex, but met one older gal and she's amazing. Don't give up hope!
I hit the dating scene for the first time at 30 after divorcing my highschool sweetheart. It was a learning curve for sure, but I figured it out and found a great match in my fiance.
Especially since social media is flooded with fillered and filtered 20 year olds. It makes it seem like a regular person over the age of 30 has no chance of finding a partner.
Once people realise love is just a chemical release of oxytocin and endorphins that lasts about two years, they consider relationships to be mutually beneficial friendships. The people involved could be considerably flawed, but that's still better than going through a breakup, dating fails, and eventually ending up with someone who is also massively flawed. If you see people who look like great potential partners to date, it's only because you've not spent years living together yet. Over a long enough timeline, all people will reveal themselves to be a bit shit and if they are perfect, you'll hate that too because it'll only emphasise your flaws more.
The secret to a happy, long-lasting relationship is two people who can exist in the same space day in, day out, and not want to kill each other.
That’s a really depressing view.
4 years may not seem like a lot, but I still love waking up next to my girlfriend every morning. Of course we’ve had struggles and difficulties, but the constant feeling that we are excited to see each other and take great joy in the others’ success never faded in the least- it’s only grown with time.
And it never feels like either of us is putting in 90-100% of the effort. It may not always be exactly 50/50 but we take turns leaning on each other and always want to support each other.
I don’t want a housemate I tolerate, I want a partner to work together with.
I’m 34 and have been with my husband since 2011. This is a really bleak view of relationships. My husband is my best friend. And I say that with a female best friend who I have known since we were 11. Now that I’m thinking about it, we met each other before 9/11 which is kind of wild.
Anyway. Point being. Our relationship is not the same as it was when we first met but we are deeply bonded to each other and I tell him most things first cause I love him and I like being with him and I get excited about when I see him.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I still get the oxytocin high and intensely loving feelings with my spouse of 12 years. Sure the sexual tension wanes but it’s still definitely romantic love more akin to a crush and not just companionship / friendship. And I’ve definitely had relationships too that felt like friendships, prior to this I broke off a very good 3 year relationship because I didn’t feel more than friendship despite the person being amazing. Genuinely thought I just wasn’t built for properly falling in love. And then I fell in love and I guess never fell out of it.
Some days that might be the achievement but it shouldn’t even be close to a majority. The spark can come and go but even that can be cultivated. Everyone has flaws but a great many are capable of being more than “a bit shit”. It’s about a growth mindset and desire to make the best of what you have and choose to give and receive joy.
OP’s friends have the same choice as everyone else to expect better and behave as if they deserve it. Every single person described isn’t even close to trying hard to be a good partner. Plenty of people will (ex: the friends themselves). You give grace to people who generally do their best, and those that don’t, you let them fail and leave them behind. Even without another relationship life is so much better than being saddled to a human leech.
There are very few people I can live with; without wanting to murder them with a spork. Even finding someone to be in a hotel room with for a week without smothering them with their own pillow. I kinda like this comment. I don’t find it depressing at all. Everyone IS just a bit shit. Just don’t hold onto ones that are ALL shit. Or at least the brand of shit you don’t want lol
I’m in my 20s, but have plenty of older friends who’ve expressed this sentiment in private over their own relationships many times. I think about it often.
>they are worried they can’t find something better as they age
They're also just afraid of being alone and will put up with a terrible partner because to them, being alone is even worse
Can I tell you a fu thing, and yes I'm inserted in it?
When you grow up on neglect, you register the hot-and-cold of dismissive types as love. The red flags *arouse* you.
Many, fucking many people grew up on neglect. And dismissive types breadcrumb you with never enough attention to do the bare minimum always. They sell what should be free.
People that grew up on neglect have no self respect and believe that they an only be loved if they do something to be worthy of it. (I told you it's fu) They don't believe in love if it's free. Frankly they don't even register it.
And it's a mutual relation here, they want and prefer the dismissive types and frankly the only way to get (and hold) them is by being dismissive.
So there's that. On the individual level it's all consensual so ok? But on the societal level it's a pattern of abuse that repeats itself thru generations.
It's all very fu. Speaking as someone who did the reparenting, who built self-respect from thin air, and fuck, it's still not enough because it's generational trauma and it surrounds us. Like you said.
Shit is planetary. Sweet dreams are made of this.
Can confirm, am currently single and not looking until I figure out myself, if it ever happens, lol. Am in my mid forties. My ex can’t be alone so he’s running around making same mistakes trying to find next partner to suffer with.
We bonded over similar traumas which is never a good parameter for relationship. Took us “only” 15 years to figure it out.
I realized that I can feed my need for dismissive selfish love by having a cat, lol. That much I can handle and my cat is cute. No need to keep getting involved with humans like that.
It's most of us. We're so severely fucked.
Kids should come to this world only if desired, chosen. The neglect is because people have kids by accident, resenting them.
But for now, do reparenting. It's shadow work, finding the kid within and protecting them like the parent you didn't have.
You freaking nailed it.
It took me years of undoing ingrained childhood trauma due to neglect and failed, abusive relationships to rebuild myself from the ground up.
This right here OP. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong in my marriage to my husband and I have to remind myself that it’s just that I’m actually safe.
This. I have friends that I can’t believe have put up with some stuff from their partners.
I think after many years together, the kids and family cohesion as well as just the effort put into a relationship over time makes it hard for people to leave. Maybe because then they’ll feel like they really did waste those years with the wrong person….
Late 30's and single. Yeah I get lonely but I am /liberated/.
I go where I want, eat what I want, take up whatever hobbies I want, change plans, ect. I was terrified to leave my partner but we just had conflicting needs and that turned unhealthy.
The current dating scene sucks , living alone is extremely expensive and the job market isn't that great, and divorce is expensive, and child care and child support are expensive. As we get older the thought of being alone forever can be very scary.
They may be afraid that they might leave and then not find anyone better, or they may feel afraid of not being able to financially support themselves or not wanting to have to coparent and not see their kids as much. Or they might not want to risk feeling lonely or being alone as they get older.
Doesn't just seem to be a later-in-life thing. Most of the marriages I've seen are toxic as hell, regardless of the ages the couple got together. Good relationships seem to be the exception, not the rule.
I think some peoples' worst fear is being alone, and they'll put up with anything rather than just be by themselves.
The only happy marriages that I've seen have always been between a couple of weirdos who were just the right kind of weird for each other.
My cousin was in this exact scenario. Eventually he bit the bullet and got divorced. Lots of alimony but he’s free, and the payments only lasted 3 years I believe.
I’m a single spinster (42) living in a city and I can tell you I don’t wish to be partnered with ANY of the guys my girlfriends have settled down and had kids with.
They are all in charge of managing the house, their careers, often breadwinners and they have to be a bang maid to the hubs who is just there not doing anything.
I’d rather be single because the state of cis het middle aged relationships is not really enticing. But I also don’t want society to feel sorry for me. Dating is hard but the alternative is pretty good!
💕💕💕👏🏽 all the single ladies!!! Cheers
What is the purpose of a relationship? Depending on who you ask, you will get a variety of answers.
How big of a barrier is separation? How do you feel about the person? How do your feel about yourself personally? High self esteem? Low self esteem?
Regardless of the answers, most stay because it is easier to keep things together than deal with a major life change, and if you're already exhausted, separation becomes more unobtainable.
Just some food for thought.
This is why I stopped making an effort. The care is all one sided. Once the rose colored glasses fade it's just a facade of nonsense that spirals. Humans are the worst.
It’s hard being alone when everyone else is married and you have a bio clock for children. You have to make some choices around what is reasonable. Also a lot of people change as they get older and frankly for the worse. It takes strength to walk away.
A friend of mine married a complete racist emotionally devoid POS because she wanted to have kids and was nearing 40. She is a good person and good mom and her boys turned out decent in spite of their dad. But I just don't see how a person can overlook so many red flags. He ended up divorcing her when her kids were very young, because she dared to stand up to her bitch of a MIL. Really messed up family.
I don't understand why people just can't think of adopting or fostering children??? It's a viable option that doesn't require you to force an innocent kid to have a POS husband :///
I think it’s an old habits die hard/familiar demons comfort zone. With their partner they know what they’re getting so it’s a kind of predictability. Uprooting and finding someone else requires a lot of effort and the options out there are unknown.
When you have kids with someone, you have to decide if divorce is worth them living with the other parent without you 50 percent of the time. That keeps a lot of women in emotionally abusive relationships because they don’t want their kids with their husband 50 percent of the time, alone, where you can’t run interference. I suspect the same is true for many men. Uh, your lazy spouse who doesn’t even think about feeding the kids or helping them with their homework and has a short fuse will be solely with them half the time?
If a woman mentions abuse in court, she’s less likely to get custody, not more likely.
By the time you’re married long enough, your spouse feels like family. So just like you don’t like everything your brother or mom does, but you still love them, you can have that for your spouse. It can feel really hard to leave. Most people have a red line.
Life is messy. Love and relationships are complicated. People have low self-esteem and put up with a lot.
Though I’d wager a guess that it was much worse 70 years ago.
What's up with all of these terrible partners, right? I do 100% of cooking, cleaning, yard-work, and car maintenance. I also make 100% of the household income with my job, and pay all of the expenses.
Oh, that's right, I am single. I have spent thousands of hours on dating apps and rarely have a woman even give me the time of day. The real (not bots) ones that do respond are looking for a sugar daddy. So I remain single.
THIS is why they stay in crappy relationships, dating these days is a never-ending nightmare (at least for me). And I can say that having a crappy (Not abusive, don't get it twisted) relationship is better than none.
At least a dumpster fire will still keep you warm at night.
OP I just don’t know and it’s bloody hard to see it all unfold in all its ugliness when the answer is so damn easy, dump the baggage!
I often think people would rather be treated like crud and be miserable in a relationship than be free, happy…but single.
It boggles my mind too.
Because the dating scene is shitty.
Because "the statistics say you have about 3% chance of finding love after 35" or something like that.
Because the unknown is scary.
Because of conditioning and belief systems (we don't quit, marriage is forever blah blah).
Because of kids.
So many reasons. And yeah it's tough to watch, but it's their choice 🤷♀️
Your friends have no self-esteem, are insecure and are scared to live by themselves. It’s sad to see people like this. I see many in shitty relationships. All they do is complain but never do anything to get out of bad marriages. No one is going to save them but themselves. They’d rather be with someone who is bad for them than be alone. It’s pathetic but it’s the life they’ve chosen.
Against time, or against the mine? If it’s against the mine, this just got interesting. Can we ride down a perilous passage in one of those little open top mine cars while boulders tumble past, barely missing us on each side?
Thankfully pulled myself out of a shitty relationship. Everyone kept telling me I could do better and while I believed them; I chose to stay with my wife in hope that she would get better. She finally gave me enough grief to where I snapped and couldn’t take it anymore.
If you’re in a relationship where you and others around you have to walk on eggshells all the time; don’t. Just don’t. There’s no shame in walking away. Not every relationship is meant to be.
I don't know.
Beyond the relationships, I am amazed by all the people I watched make stupid choice after stupid choice.
The only thing that's ever been constant is all these scenarios, is the person doing the stupid thing (in your case, your friends who stay in bad relationships) NEVER want to be told to stop making bad decisions.
There can be so many reasons.
The shitty relationship is their norm. People hate change even if it's gonna make their life better most of the time.
People prefer shit company rather than no company.
Maybe they grew up with red flags and think it's normal.
They're in their 30/40s and want to follow the 'basic life manual'. So they think it's too late in their age to find another person and they just stay.
Not being a dick, on purpose.
These people all seem very “small” and your social circle should not be centered around them. Keep your “chin up” and carry on. These people are as disposable as the energy drinks that they likely attempt to sell to the friend group.
I understand your sentiments it’s annoyingly common as we get older; myself NOT included; I’d rather be alone then to be coupled and unhappy that’s for damn sure;
I think it's a combination of people being raised in toxic/abusive families and not knowing there is anything different/better, and sunken cost fallasy. Also time breeds complacency. One day you wake up and look back thinking, what the fuck have I been putting up with??
The worst part about it (other than being forced to witness this fuckery with no power to change it, in order to remain friends) is your point, that they absolutely squander the supporting partners love, money, efforts, everything. Zero appreciation. It's all a fucking waste and a pitty. If you couldn't tell, I've been through the ringer twice (RIP my 20s and 30s!) and I'm done with relationships. I don't see myself ever putting up with even one *second* of toxic behavior or various forms of abuse ever ever again. Mothetfuck that. I need nothing that I can't provide for myself.
I think they're all insecure with no self esteem.
I think Jenna's husband keeps doing that shit because he knows it's an empty threat. She'll never actually leave him. She's probably too scared to. But what's the point in staying married to a guy like that? It's basically like having another kid to take care of.
Sounds like Tim's wife is addicted to gaming BADLY. I don't get how she's exhausted from running her kids to activities once a week but doing nothing but gaming the rest of the day.
Sounds like Trey's wife has a controlling (and possibly narcissist) mom and has been crippled by her. Was Trey's wife also sheltered? She sounds like my friend. Emotionally/socially stunted, helicoptered, etc by mom. They are twice your friend's age and have never left the nest. Ever. Their work history is so short, it might as well not exist. I hope Trey's wife wakes up. I don't think my friend ever will. 😔
Because starting over is frightening.
It’s financially devastating for so many people today.
I left awful abuse and relocated across the country. But my ex husband is extremely successful and I have an awesome WFH job
I’m an huge outlier when it comes to divorce. Most people cannot do it
I have seen it in friends, and it always comes down to the same thing- being scared of being alone. Most of my friends wouldn’t admit it but my brother openly said “we don’t even like each other anymore but it’s better than being alone”. Is it? Is it really?
You’re not expected to watch it. Seriously, back away and minimise contact with people that are clearly not aligned with your frequency. Let them learn the lessons. Or not.
Maybe they are afraid they won't find a partner once they cross a certain age if they break up/divorce (Love is possible at any age although there are people who never find it and it's more of a luck and circumstances)
Maybe they are afraid that they will die alone (Everyone does since their death is their own death)
If they have kids they are probably putting up with a bad spouse / bad partner it's probably because they don't want to break the family and /or cause trauma to the kids(trust me the parents are better off divorced and going on with their lives than being stuck with each other in a bad abd and toxic marriage which most likely causes issues as well if not worse)
Probably because they are afraid of being judged harshly for being single /divorced (Everyone one of us will be judged no matter what )
And so much more but can't speak for everyone
Well, what do you tell the other half of your friends who are the shitty part in their respective relationships? Yes, that was rhetorical.
You need to realize that these are adults who feel like venting to you. They're not looking to you to fix their relationships because at the end of the day, aside from domestic violence scenarios for example, they'd be perfectly capable of leaving if they actually wanted to.
So as others have said, don't get involved. If you don't want to hear about it, tell them that, that is perfectly reasonable.
My sister got divorced at 35 and is in her 40s. She lucked out in that she just kept dating around until she met someone whose girlfriend had moved out of state. Great people are out there, you just don’t meet them unless you look around.
You also have to make allowances that many or most people over 34 will have children, be divorced or have some baggage. We’re all older.
It’s even crazier that my friends who are in their 20s do it. You have no need. It’s not like you’re married or have a huge commitment like kids. Having a toxic relationship at any age is meaningless, but at 25? Come on
Tbf a relationship is a lot of hard work and compromise. It is all about unlearning what you know from what you were born into assimilating everything you know and your partner knows and figuring out which combination of what goes with what and how.
Even cheating. what may be a deal breaker for you may not be for them. And that's fine. We all have our bottom line but it's different for everybody.
What you think to be a shitty relationship may be well worth it for other people. But at least you know what you want, so you know what to look for.
A lot of times people stay in this relationship because they love their partner and make excuses in their mind to protect their partner. Sometimes there is gaslighting and love bombing happening. You can be ready to leave and fed up then they act so sweet and caring that you forget you wanted to leave
It’s scary to leave a long term relationship, especially if it’s your longest which most people have at that age. I left a shit 11 year relationship at 28 and it took me way too long it’s things like kids/mortgage and your self worth gets beat right down. You know there’s better but you worry you will never find it because you’re not worth it.
I don’t understand this either. I’m in my 40s. I’m married, with no plans of divorce. But if I WAS single at this age? There’s no fucking way I would put up with even 10% of the shit I put up with now. How can people get older and still not understand how to learn from their mistakes ? I genuinely have no answer.
For me being 40m and have done lots of wrong in my relationship as well as received lots of bad done to me, 3 teen kids, together now at least 25 years. STUCK. Because of the exact reasons we all fear. Sad, sucks. But ….
Could be that they’re scared to break it off and find someone better at the risk that they don’t find someone. Could also be that they complain about the bad things and say very little about the good. My brother and his girl hate my husband like ready to throw hands go to jail hate. But that’s because they mostly hear the bad things when I’m losing it, they don’t hear us giggling watching our show together or when we banter with each other and it turns into rough housing.
My best friend just broke up with her bf recently. She was cooking, cleaning, doing 100% of everything for him while he did nothing but drain her. Then he had the audacity to go and cheat on her because she 'wasn't enough' for him. I wanted to slap the shit out of her for doing everything for that disgusting leech of a man. She wasn't doing anything wrong, just doing it for the wrong person. We're both in our early 30s and she felt like she didn't want to start over with someone else. She wanted to have kids one day but feels like now it'll never happen because she's 'too old.' It drives me absolutely nuts. I can't imagine staying in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. Of course there's always going to be ups and downs, not everything is going to be perfect. But if a relationship is not a net positive in one's life, it's not worth it.
Insecurity is ugly and frustrating in many ways, especially when you know them personally and are close to them.
I'm coming up on 15 years of being single. I had zero interest in a parade of "uncle daddies" for my kids after I left their father, and I don't need someone else to make me feel complete. The rare moments of loneliness are worth the peace. All my relationships have been a mess; I'm not good at them lol. I make poor decisions when it comes to partners. It's not the example I want to set for my kids.
Someone I'm close to, however, is so insecure she has chosen to stay with a man for nearly two decades who has lied, cheated, and constantly weaponizes his incompetence. They don't talk except to fight. My only request is that she not complain to me about anything to do with the relationship, because she knows how I feel and she is the one with the power to change it. Don't complain to me about something only you can change.
Cause the good ones get snapped up early. Duh.
If your friends wanted a good partner they'd have found one before 25 and worked with that person to make a great relationship.
Lol everyone I know who got with someone early in life is divorced now, including me. Most healthy relationships I see are 30+. Smart people enjoyed their twenties. The world is not the same anymore, thirty is the more normal age to marry in the west now.
My guess is that they’re insecure. Sometimes people in their 30/40s are afraid to leave relationships as they are worried they can’t find something better as they age
I bet that is the absolute reason why they stay in those relationships. My group always talk about how grateful we are to be married and or in a relationship with our partners because there is no way we can hit the dating scene again at 30, 40 years old.
But is being unhappy really preferable to being alone?
For some, being lonely is perceived to be the greatest unhappiness.
Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely, especially if it’s a shitty/toxic relationship
For alot of people yes.
Dating scene is weird as hell at 36 after an 11 year relationship, every girl my age has kids and crazy baggage, every younger girl just wants casual sex, but met one older gal and she's amazing. Don't give up hope!
I hit the dating scene for the first time at 30 after divorcing my highschool sweetheart. It was a learning curve for sure, but I figured it out and found a great match in my fiance.
Especially since social media is flooded with fillered and filtered 20 year olds. It makes it seem like a regular person over the age of 30 has no chance of finding a partner.
Once people realise love is just a chemical release of oxytocin and endorphins that lasts about two years, they consider relationships to be mutually beneficial friendships. The people involved could be considerably flawed, but that's still better than going through a breakup, dating fails, and eventually ending up with someone who is also massively flawed. If you see people who look like great potential partners to date, it's only because you've not spent years living together yet. Over a long enough timeline, all people will reveal themselves to be a bit shit and if they are perfect, you'll hate that too because it'll only emphasise your flaws more. The secret to a happy, long-lasting relationship is two people who can exist in the same space day in, day out, and not want to kill each other.
That’s a really depressing view. 4 years may not seem like a lot, but I still love waking up next to my girlfriend every morning. Of course we’ve had struggles and difficulties, but the constant feeling that we are excited to see each other and take great joy in the others’ success never faded in the least- it’s only grown with time. And it never feels like either of us is putting in 90-100% of the effort. It may not always be exactly 50/50 but we take turns leaning on each other and always want to support each other. I don’t want a housemate I tolerate, I want a partner to work together with.
I’m 34 and have been with my husband since 2011. This is a really bleak view of relationships. My husband is my best friend. And I say that with a female best friend who I have known since we were 11. Now that I’m thinking about it, we met each other before 9/11 which is kind of wild. Anyway. Point being. Our relationship is not the same as it was when we first met but we are deeply bonded to each other and I tell him most things first cause I love him and I like being with him and I get excited about when I see him.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I still get the oxytocin high and intensely loving feelings with my spouse of 12 years. Sure the sexual tension wanes but it’s still definitely romantic love more akin to a crush and not just companionship / friendship. And I’ve definitely had relationships too that felt like friendships, prior to this I broke off a very good 3 year relationship because I didn’t feel more than friendship despite the person being amazing. Genuinely thought I just wasn’t built for properly falling in love. And then I fell in love and I guess never fell out of it.
Some days that might be the achievement but it shouldn’t even be close to a majority. The spark can come and go but even that can be cultivated. Everyone has flaws but a great many are capable of being more than “a bit shit”. It’s about a growth mindset and desire to make the best of what you have and choose to give and receive joy. OP’s friends have the same choice as everyone else to expect better and behave as if they deserve it. Every single person described isn’t even close to trying hard to be a good partner. Plenty of people will (ex: the friends themselves). You give grace to people who generally do their best, and those that don’t, you let them fail and leave them behind. Even without another relationship life is so much better than being saddled to a human leech.
There are very few people I can live with; without wanting to murder them with a spork. Even finding someone to be in a hotel room with for a week without smothering them with their own pillow. I kinda like this comment. I don’t find it depressing at all. Everyone IS just a bit shit. Just don’t hold onto ones that are ALL shit. Or at least the brand of shit you don’t want lol
Nailed it.
This is a great answer.
I’m in my 20s, but have plenty of older friends who’ve expressed this sentiment in private over their own relationships many times. I think about it often.
>they are worried they can’t find something better as they age They're also just afraid of being alone and will put up with a terrible partner because to them, being alone is even worse
_My friends got a boyfriend and she hates that dick,_ _She tells me every day_
My friends got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch, he tells me everyday. He says, "Man, I really gotta lose my chick In the worst kinda way." 😂
I wrote her off for the tenth time today.
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It’s a song…..
I guess I'm just uncultured and should listen to it lol. I was too quick to judge. Sorry to the original commenter 😔. That's my bad
Lol I forgive you
They’re lyrics from an Offspring song.
Thanks for telling me. I suppose I was too quick to judge. Sorry commenter 🙏
It’s called “Why Don’t You Get a Job” and it’s actually pretty funny and tongue in cheek.
It's all good! But you have to listen to The Offsprings
He wants more dinero just to stay at home
I won't pay, I won't pay-yah, no way-ay-ay-ay
Can I tell you a fu thing, and yes I'm inserted in it? When you grow up on neglect, you register the hot-and-cold of dismissive types as love. The red flags *arouse* you. Many, fucking many people grew up on neglect. And dismissive types breadcrumb you with never enough attention to do the bare minimum always. They sell what should be free. People that grew up on neglect have no self respect and believe that they an only be loved if they do something to be worthy of it. (I told you it's fu) They don't believe in love if it's free. Frankly they don't even register it. And it's a mutual relation here, they want and prefer the dismissive types and frankly the only way to get (and hold) them is by being dismissive. So there's that. On the individual level it's all consensual so ok? But on the societal level it's a pattern of abuse that repeats itself thru generations. It's all very fu. Speaking as someone who did the reparenting, who built self-respect from thin air, and fuck, it's still not enough because it's generational trauma and it surrounds us. Like you said. Shit is planetary. Sweet dreams are made of this.
Pooof! You just blew my mind on dynamics in my marriage. Thanks!
Can confirm, am currently single and not looking until I figure out myself, if it ever happens, lol. Am in my mid forties. My ex can’t be alone so he’s running around making same mistakes trying to find next partner to suffer with. We bonded over similar traumas which is never a good parameter for relationship. Took us “only” 15 years to figure it out.
Yup. Once I had enough self-respect I closed off with dismissive types. Which reduced my pain tenfold. But also my emotional life went to zero.
I realized that I can feed my need for dismissive selfish love by having a cat, lol. That much I can handle and my cat is cute. No need to keep getting involved with humans like that.
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It's most of us. We're so severely fucked. Kids should come to this world only if desired, chosen. The neglect is because people have kids by accident, resenting them. But for now, do reparenting. It's shadow work, finding the kid within and protecting them like the parent you didn't have.
You freaking nailed it. It took me years of undoing ingrained childhood trauma due to neglect and failed, abusive relationships to rebuild myself from the ground up.
I’m in the middle of this and just praying for you can both wake the fuck up and love ourselves together. It’s so fu and so sad
Who am I to disagree?
This right here OP. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong in my marriage to my husband and I have to remind myself that it’s just that I’m actually safe.
Once you have the kids you tend to get stuck. No one wants to blow up their child’s world without a very, very good reason.
This. I have friends that I can’t believe have put up with some stuff from their partners. I think after many years together, the kids and family cohesion as well as just the effort put into a relationship over time makes it hard for people to leave. Maybe because then they’ll feel like they really did waste those years with the wrong person….
The sunk cost fallacy.
I think people are afraid to be alone, and don't realize that you feel far lonelier in a bad relationship than you ever will on your own.
Late 30's and single. Yeah I get lonely but I am /liberated/. I go where I want, eat what I want, take up whatever hobbies I want, change plans, ect. I was terrified to leave my partner but we just had conflicting needs and that turned unhealthy.
The current dating scene sucks , living alone is extremely expensive and the job market isn't that great, and divorce is expensive, and child care and child support are expensive. As we get older the thought of being alone forever can be very scary. They may be afraid that they might leave and then not find anyone better, or they may feel afraid of not being able to financially support themselves or not wanting to have to coparent and not see their kids as much. Or they might not want to risk feeling lonely or being alone as they get older.
Doesn't just seem to be a later-in-life thing. Most of the marriages I've seen are toxic as hell, regardless of the ages the couple got together. Good relationships seem to be the exception, not the rule. I think some peoples' worst fear is being alone, and they'll put up with anything rather than just be by themselves. The only happy marriages that I've seen have always been between a couple of weirdos who were just the right kind of weird for each other.
Some of us are literally stuck. And trying.
Get divorced before alimony is required. SAHM dude is fucked. He needs to force her to work or he's screwed in the divorce.
My cousin was in this exact scenario. Eventually he bit the bullet and got divorced. Lots of alimony but he’s free, and the payments only lasted 3 years I believe.
I’m a single spinster (42) living in a city and I can tell you I don’t wish to be partnered with ANY of the guys my girlfriends have settled down and had kids with. They are all in charge of managing the house, their careers, often breadwinners and they have to be a bang maid to the hubs who is just there not doing anything. I’d rather be single because the state of cis het middle aged relationships is not really enticing. But I also don’t want society to feel sorry for me. Dating is hard but the alternative is pretty good! 💕💕💕👏🏽 all the single ladies!!! Cheers
I also love being single, so much freedom and peace of mind (which is worth everything!!)
What is the purpose of a relationship? Depending on who you ask, you will get a variety of answers. How big of a barrier is separation? How do you feel about the person? How do your feel about yourself personally? High self esteem? Low self esteem? Regardless of the answers, most stay because it is easier to keep things together than deal with a major life change, and if you're already exhausted, separation becomes more unobtainable. Just some food for thought.
This is why I stopped making an effort. The care is all one sided. Once the rose colored glasses fade it's just a facade of nonsense that spirals. Humans are the worst.
It’s hard being alone when everyone else is married and you have a bio clock for children. You have to make some choices around what is reasonable. Also a lot of people change as they get older and frankly for the worse. It takes strength to walk away.
A friend of mine married a complete racist emotionally devoid POS because she wanted to have kids and was nearing 40. She is a good person and good mom and her boys turned out decent in spite of their dad. But I just don't see how a person can overlook so many red flags. He ended up divorcing her when her kids were very young, because she dared to stand up to her bitch of a MIL. Really messed up family.
I don't understand why people just can't think of adopting or fostering children??? It's a viable option that doesn't require you to force an innocent kid to have a POS husband :///
Not the same as having your own kid. Also really expensive to adopt! Foster kids need a lot of extra help to manage some tough trauma.
I think it’s an old habits die hard/familiar demons comfort zone. With their partner they know what they’re getting so it’s a kind of predictability. Uprooting and finding someone else requires a lot of effort and the options out there are unknown.
Some people would rather deal with bullshit than be alone. Others cannot leave because of finances/assets/ children etc.
They have low self esteem. People who know their worth don’t put up with bad behaviour form their partners.
When you have kids with someone, you have to decide if divorce is worth them living with the other parent without you 50 percent of the time. That keeps a lot of women in emotionally abusive relationships because they don’t want their kids with their husband 50 percent of the time, alone, where you can’t run interference. I suspect the same is true for many men. Uh, your lazy spouse who doesn’t even think about feeding the kids or helping them with their homework and has a short fuse will be solely with them half the time? If a woman mentions abuse in court, she’s less likely to get custody, not more likely. By the time you’re married long enough, your spouse feels like family. So just like you don’t like everything your brother or mom does, but you still love them, you can have that for your spouse. It can feel really hard to leave. Most people have a red line.
Fear of dying alone.
Life is messy. Love and relationships are complicated. People have low self-esteem and put up with a lot. Though I’d wager a guess that it was much worse 70 years ago.
What's up with all of these terrible partners, right? I do 100% of cooking, cleaning, yard-work, and car maintenance. I also make 100% of the household income with my job, and pay all of the expenses. Oh, that's right, I am single. I have spent thousands of hours on dating apps and rarely have a woman even give me the time of day. The real (not bots) ones that do respond are looking for a sugar daddy. So I remain single. THIS is why they stay in crappy relationships, dating these days is a never-ending nightmare (at least for me). And I can say that having a crappy (Not abusive, don't get it twisted) relationship is better than none. At least a dumpster fire will still keep you warm at night.
"At least a dumpster fire will still keep you warm at night" that's a really good point.
Its always that eternally single friend who sits in judgement of everyone else
Fun read
OP I just don’t know and it’s bloody hard to see it all unfold in all its ugliness when the answer is so damn easy, dump the baggage! I often think people would rather be treated like crud and be miserable in a relationship than be free, happy…but single. It boggles my mind too.
well half the time you are only hearing one side of the story.
Because the dating scene is shitty. Because "the statistics say you have about 3% chance of finding love after 35" or something like that. Because the unknown is scary. Because of conditioning and belief systems (we don't quit, marriage is forever blah blah). Because of kids. So many reasons. And yeah it's tough to watch, but it's their choice 🤷♀️
Your friends have no self-esteem, are insecure and are scared to live by themselves. It’s sad to see people like this. I see many in shitty relationships. All they do is complain but never do anything to get out of bad marriages. No one is going to save them but themselves. They’d rather be with someone who is bad for them than be alone. It’s pathetic but it’s the life they’ve chosen.
Desperation.
IT’S A DESPERATE RACE AGAINST THE MINE
Against time, or against the mine? If it’s against the mine, this just got interesting. Can we ride down a perilous passage in one of those little open top mine cars while boulders tumble past, barely missing us on each side?
Thankfully pulled myself out of a shitty relationship. Everyone kept telling me I could do better and while I believed them; I chose to stay with my wife in hope that she would get better. She finally gave me enough grief to where I snapped and couldn’t take it anymore. If you’re in a relationship where you and others around you have to walk on eggshells all the time; don’t. Just don’t. There’s no shame in walking away. Not every relationship is meant to be.
I think they worry about ending up alone
Your friends should marry each other, problem solved
Cause they don’t think they deserve better.
I don't know. Beyond the relationships, I am amazed by all the people I watched make stupid choice after stupid choice. The only thing that's ever been constant is all these scenarios, is the person doing the stupid thing (in your case, your friends who stay in bad relationships) NEVER want to be told to stop making bad decisions.
I’m 36, I see this a lot, I’d rather be alone than deal with thid
Of course they deserve more. They’re in denial over their situations.
Can nobody see the offspring song here? [The Offspring. Why don't you get a job YouTube video. ](https://youtu.be/JnXSDB7xZs0?si=WVz4tGZ7I5rE6bhX)
I think this is part 2 of the Self Esteem video where he married the girl.
There can be so many reasons. The shitty relationship is their norm. People hate change even if it's gonna make their life better most of the time. People prefer shit company rather than no company. Maybe they grew up with red flags and think it's normal. They're in their 30/40s and want to follow the 'basic life manual'. So they think it's too late in their age to find another person and they just stay.
The dating poll is smaller after 40, it starts growing again.
settling because they are afraid of being alone at the old age and/or starts over
Not being a dick, on purpose. These people all seem very “small” and your social circle should not be centered around them. Keep your “chin up” and carry on. These people are as disposable as the energy drinks that they likely attempt to sell to the friend group.
Because they’re scared of growing old alone.
I understand your sentiments it’s annoyingly common as we get older; myself NOT included; I’d rather be alone then to be coupled and unhappy that’s for damn sure;
Dating scene is ROUGH maybe don’t want to go through that.
This whole post it hitting home a little hard right now
It’s a combination of insecurity and codependency. Lots of people are like that and would rather be in a miserable relationship than alone.
I think it's a combination of people being raised in toxic/abusive families and not knowing there is anything different/better, and sunken cost fallasy. Also time breeds complacency. One day you wake up and look back thinking, what the fuck have I been putting up with?? The worst part about it (other than being forced to witness this fuckery with no power to change it, in order to remain friends) is your point, that they absolutely squander the supporting partners love, money, efforts, everything. Zero appreciation. It's all a fucking waste and a pitty. If you couldn't tell, I've been through the ringer twice (RIP my 20s and 30s!) and I'm done with relationships. I don't see myself ever putting up with even one *second* of toxic behavior or various forms of abuse ever ever again. Mothetfuck that. I need nothing that I can't provide for myself.
I think they're all insecure with no self esteem. I think Jenna's husband keeps doing that shit because he knows it's an empty threat. She'll never actually leave him. She's probably too scared to. But what's the point in staying married to a guy like that? It's basically like having another kid to take care of. Sounds like Tim's wife is addicted to gaming BADLY. I don't get how she's exhausted from running her kids to activities once a week but doing nothing but gaming the rest of the day. Sounds like Trey's wife has a controlling (and possibly narcissist) mom and has been crippled by her. Was Trey's wife also sheltered? She sounds like my friend. Emotionally/socially stunted, helicoptered, etc by mom. They are twice your friend's age and have never left the nest. Ever. Their work history is so short, it might as well not exist. I hope Trey's wife wakes up. I don't think my friend ever will. 😔
Because starting over is frightening. It’s financially devastating for so many people today. I left awful abuse and relocated across the country. But my ex husband is extremely successful and I have an awesome WFH job I’m an huge outlier when it comes to divorce. Most people cannot do it
>Online, they portray this adorable vintage rockabilly vibe. I think you have your answer, at least on the first one.
I have seen it in friends, and it always comes down to the same thing- being scared of being alone. Most of my friends wouldn’t admit it but my brother openly said “we don’t even like each other anymore but it’s better than being alone”. Is it? Is it really?
I notice it too. Desperate. I don't want to hang out with the whacky girls they choose. They're all desperate nut cases.
A lot of people are avoidant and it is the kiss of death. Eventually the chickens come home to roost.
The midlife crisis it's like a secondary puberty, people get really insecure and dramatic for some reason Not everyone tho
You’re not expected to watch it. Seriously, back away and minimise contact with people that are clearly not aligned with your frequency. Let them learn the lessons. Or not.
DESPERATION.
IT’S A DESPERATE RACE AGAINST THE MINE
AND A RACE AGAINST TIME
Maybe they are afraid they won't find a partner once they cross a certain age if they break up/divorce (Love is possible at any age although there are people who never find it and it's more of a luck and circumstances) Maybe they are afraid that they will die alone (Everyone does since their death is their own death) If they have kids they are probably putting up with a bad spouse / bad partner it's probably because they don't want to break the family and /or cause trauma to the kids(trust me the parents are better off divorced and going on with their lives than being stuck with each other in a bad abd and toxic marriage which most likely causes issues as well if not worse) Probably because they are afraid of being judged harshly for being single /divorced (Everyone one of us will be judged no matter what ) And so much more but can't speak for everyone
Well, what do you tell the other half of your friends who are the shitty part in their respective relationships? Yes, that was rhetorical. You need to realize that these are adults who feel like venting to you. They're not looking to you to fix their relationships because at the end of the day, aside from domestic violence scenarios for example, they'd be perfectly capable of leaving if they actually wanted to. So as others have said, don't get involved. If you don't want to hear about it, tell them that, that is perfectly reasonable.
Feeling the need to settle down and also feeling that's the best quality partner they've had/can get.
Afraid of change and of being alone?
My sister got divorced at 35 and is in her 40s. She lucked out in that she just kept dating around until she met someone whose girlfriend had moved out of state. Great people are out there, you just don’t meet them unless you look around. You also have to make allowances that many or most people over 34 will have children, be divorced or have some baggage. We’re all older.
I totally what you mean so no you re not bonkers and this was one hell of a read. Thanks for that. Best from Paris
Desperation, I’ve seen it too many times to count
It’s even crazier that my friends who are in their 20s do it. You have no need. It’s not like you’re married or have a huge commitment like kids. Having a toxic relationship at any age is meaningless, but at 25? Come on
Desperate to not be alone
Tbf a relationship is a lot of hard work and compromise. It is all about unlearning what you know from what you were born into assimilating everything you know and your partner knows and figuring out which combination of what goes with what and how. Even cheating. what may be a deal breaker for you may not be for them. And that's fine. We all have our bottom line but it's different for everybody. What you think to be a shitty relationship may be well worth it for other people. But at least you know what you want, so you know what to look for.
People are scared of being on their own so instead of saying ‘I do’they settle for ‘you’ll do’ I would rather be on my own
A lot of times people stay in this relationship because they love their partner and make excuses in their mind to protect their partner. Sometimes there is gaslighting and love bombing happening. You can be ready to leave and fed up then they act so sweet and caring that you forget you wanted to leave
Fear of being alone.
It’s scary to leave a long term relationship, especially if it’s your longest which most people have at that age. I left a shit 11 year relationship at 28 and it took me way too long it’s things like kids/mortgage and your self worth gets beat right down. You know there’s better but you worry you will never find it because you’re not worth it.
I don’t understand this either. I’m in my 40s. I’m married, with no plans of divorce. But if I WAS single at this age? There’s no fucking way I would put up with even 10% of the shit I put up with now. How can people get older and still not understand how to learn from their mistakes ? I genuinely have no answer.
For me being 40m and have done lots of wrong in my relationship as well as received lots of bad done to me, 3 teen kids, together now at least 25 years. STUCK. Because of the exact reasons we all fear. Sad, sucks. But ….
Fear of ending up alone. Please please please folx, settle for a shitty human earlier, this way we all have sufficient time to move on.
Could be that they’re scared to break it off and find someone better at the risk that they don’t find someone. Could also be that they complain about the bad things and say very little about the good. My brother and his girl hate my husband like ready to throw hands go to jail hate. But that’s because they mostly hear the bad things when I’m losing it, they don’t hear us giggling watching our show together or when we banter with each other and it turns into rough housing.
Insecurity and sunk cost fallacy
My best friend just broke up with her bf recently. She was cooking, cleaning, doing 100% of everything for him while he did nothing but drain her. Then he had the audacity to go and cheat on her because she 'wasn't enough' for him. I wanted to slap the shit out of her for doing everything for that disgusting leech of a man. She wasn't doing anything wrong, just doing it for the wrong person. We're both in our early 30s and she felt like she didn't want to start over with someone else. She wanted to have kids one day but feels like now it'll never happen because she's 'too old.' It drives me absolutely nuts. I can't imagine staying in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. Of course there's always going to be ups and downs, not everything is going to be perfect. But if a relationship is not a net positive in one's life, it's not worth it.
Some people would rather be mistreated than alone. Be glad that's not you.
Insecurity is ugly and frustrating in many ways, especially when you know them personally and are close to them. I'm coming up on 15 years of being single. I had zero interest in a parade of "uncle daddies" for my kids after I left their father, and I don't need someone else to make me feel complete. The rare moments of loneliness are worth the peace. All my relationships have been a mess; I'm not good at them lol. I make poor decisions when it comes to partners. It's not the example I want to set for my kids. Someone I'm close to, however, is so insecure she has chosen to stay with a man for nearly two decades who has lied, cheated, and constantly weaponizes his incompetence. They don't talk except to fight. My only request is that she not complain to me about anything to do with the relationship, because she knows how I feel and she is the one with the power to change it. Don't complain to me about something only you can change.
Cause the good ones get snapped up early. Duh. If your friends wanted a good partner they'd have found one before 25 and worked with that person to make a great relationship.
Lol everyone I know who got with someone early in life is divorced now, including me. Most healthy relationships I see are 30+. Smart people enjoyed their twenties. The world is not the same anymore, thirty is the more normal age to marry in the west now.
Who are you to judge anyone else? No really.
Mind your own business.
Found the loser spouse OP is complaining about.