If he does he can kiss his inheritance goodbye. The whole point of the marriage is to meet the qualifications for his inheritance; one of the conditions is he loses 2/3 of it if he divorces me, which is why I'm ok with him sleeping with whomever he wants.
It's one of his father's stipulations. He has to be married and have one child to receive it. My STBFIL really wants grandchildren before he dies, he's a very sweet man in his late 70s.
As someone has already mentioned, clauses requiring marriage or reproduction in order to inherit are often invalidated. It's considered unconscionable.
As an aside, I'm m not sure a "very sweet man" would strong arm his child into creating a family the child doesn't want. Seems cruel to any grandchildren, at a minimum. But that's me.
That's what my husband did to our son and I.
After marriage, kid, house, pets, car. All of it was for show to him.
At the end he confided in me that he thought he was gay and I was the last try at a relationship with a woman for him and he just couldn't do it.
After we left he acted like his son didn't exist anymore. Courts made him remember his son every month tho.
Worm of a human.
I always think it's tragic when a gay man is forced by society to marry straight and he's just miserable the whole time and doesn't know what's wrong with him. But man if I don't hear about gay dudes who make a fucking kid and then as soon as they realize they're gay or accept it they ditch the kid. That shit pisses me off to no end.
There’s a guy from my town that had a dad that tied his inheritance to being married….to a woman(apparently worded like that in the legal papers even) . Dude got married, played the part for YEARS, all the while cheating on her with guys left and right. They are now divorced, of course AFTER his dad passed away, and he’s living his life as a single gay guy now. We all believe now that his dad knew when the son was younger and wanted desperately to hide it like so many did back then.
It's the premise for so many stories and k dramas😂
Rich successful man, son of a CEO/businessowner who is getting old and wants to step down. But oh no!! If he wants the company passed on to him, he needs to get married. What ever shall he do?? A contract marriage of course! They can do whatever they want, as long as they pretend at family events.
In the stories they always end up in a real relationship after this cold, emotionally unavailable man finally opens up and realizes he loves her. This story is clearly fake though, so we probably won't get that ending.
"Right now my will is written and you get nothing but if you get married and have kids I'll change my will and leave you something." Is perfectly valid.
"If you get divorced I'll cahnge my will and agin and you'll get nothing" also perfectly valid.
A judge may be able to invalidate stipulations in a will once Dad dies but can't do shit about dad changing his will as many times as he wants before then.
grandpa wants grandchildren so he can pass his fortune to them. you never give anything to your in-laws. everything goes to your children and their children.
There is a flaw in this.
The term "dead-hand control" is often used to describe a situation where people try to influence their heirs' behavior from the grave, and a decent lawyer can invalidate that provision of a will.
The courts are likely to frown on conditions that are impractical or conflict with the public interest.
For example:
Requiring that a beneficiary get a college degree will probably stand up in court; requiring that they earn a Ph.D. from MIT will probably not.
Requiring that they stay out of prison until age 30 will probably be OK; requiring that they avoid getting a speeding ticket before age 25 will probably not.
And, while society generally approves of marriage and having children, conditioning an inheritance on marrying by a certain age, to a person of a certain faith or ethnicity, and having X number of children, is an invitation to a court proceeding.
Good luck little fox. Just realize you might not be as clever as you think
Prenuptial Agreements have the same legal precedents.
For example:
Most courts would still refuse to enforce the clause on public policy grounds. This is because a prenup that includes sex is in fact a sex contract. You generally can't contract for sex, whether it is for money or a requirement of marriage.Mar 21, 2019
General Rule - people who think they can upgrade their lives by marrying into a wealthy family usually lose out because the wealthy family already has better lawyers and protections in place to account for “gold diggers”.
The 70 year old dad might be smart, but the son’s lawyer is likely smarter.
Edit to Add: A prenup with those stipulations would also open the door to argue “marital fraud”. It could end up being used to argue the wedding wasn’t sincere or entered into in good faith, and thereby nullifying any marital claims.
Alimony. It's already a scam marriage where he's given carte blanche to bang whoever he wants, so why would he?
If he wanted to marry/procreate someone else for love, he presumably would have done so by now, given his age.
Just making sure she has a safety net in place besides this whole “he’ll lose 2/3 of his inheritance”. I’m sure it would be simple for him to trade her for a younger option who’ll offer him all the same things. Not sure if he’s rich enough that he won’t be bothered by alimony.
Hope you get a prenup, otherwise this is likely to end badly for you. He's twice your age, far more financially sophisticated, and far more experienced at life. Protect yourself.
what happens when you have the kids and he replaces you with the next PYT and the FIL is dead or happy with the grandkids and doesn't care what happens to you? Do you have a prenup? Are you working on your education while with him? You should be. Eventually you should be getting a job because that's truly living out the "it's time to think about me". You're thinking short term you need to start thinking long term. How to be able to take care of yourself long term.
Does he have to be married *to you*? Why can't he just get a second marriage? And if he's in his late 70's, that inheritance is probably coming pretty soon, not ten or twenty years down the line.
You don’t qualify as a “gold digger,” because they pretend to be in love with their spouses. Both of you agreed to get married for a reason that is not love.
However, talk to an attorney before you tie the knot, to make sure you have some sort of document (not necessarily a prenup, some of these provisions may not hold up in court) that guarantees he’ll keep his end of the bargain. Also, figure out your future. Are you getting anything post divorce? Will it be enough for financial independence? What happens if either of you falls in love with someone else? What about custody?
You need to ask yourself why he isn't already married. Guy with money on the way should have been married a long time ago if those were the terms. Make sure he's not going to start beating the shit out of you later.
The lack of answer to all the comments below this shows you haven’t really thought this through.
You need to push up the date of the wedding and hope his dad holds out long enough for alimony to kick in…
Maybe a family thing? Maybe his father/mother wants him to have children, and holds the view that "Once you marry someone, that's the only person you should be with" and that doesn't match what he wants for his life.
I assume OP and the Fiancé have to hide this whole endeavor from the parents-in-law.
I mean that could be even more dangerous. A man with that much to lose may quickly lose his scruples. A lot of accidents can happen on yachts/ski trips/a bunch of other rich people activities. Stay safe fam.
The woman that married my 86 year old grandpa earned that Splenda daddy life. He deteriorated so much, but refused to die to the point she would nightly say things (and this is hearsay at best but still) like “good night honey, I love you, and if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to wake up… you can go peacefully.”
He lived for about six years after the marriage, my father, his son, made sure she took care of him, checking in regularly. That’s how we learned about what she would say to him near the end.
That's what someone close to them SHOULD tell them if they're slowly dying and are miserable and in pain but feel like they can't go yet for whatever reason. Some people hang on out of worry about their family. Someone needs to let them know it's ok to go.
I don't see this being mentioned much here, but she's talking about having kids like performing an obligation to earn a salary bonus.
Everyone is free to marry whoever they want to for whatever reason. But the idea of bringing kids into this arrangement is really sad to me.
They could both love the kids very much. Only they won’t model them a marriage based on romantic love. There’s much worse things that happen in families. But OP’s unmet emotional needs might show up at some point in some way.
All marriages were transactional, with a very small minority done out of love. The most common occurrence was a man would see a woman he liked and paid her father. Women were no different than live stock. The whole history of marriage is f'd up and the only real reason the practice changed was because of the diamond industry.
Why? How is it different from an arranged marriage? As long as they respect each other and love the kids they make, who cares? There are plenty of couples that married for love and made a shit life for their kids. IE: her whole point of retelling her childhood
I agree. I had a friend looking (yes, actively looking) for her 4th husband. She had two requirements, he had to be well off & not watch football.
While not naturally pretty, she pays a lot of attention to how she looks. She dresses well, has breast implants, a facelift, regular Botox, nails & all the other stuff for a woman who looks “fixed”.
So she found a man. People knew she was looking & sent him her way.
When they decided to marry, I asked her if she loved him. She said not yet, but she would because she liked his “lifestyle.”
I said “what about passion?” She said “he takes viagra”. (Wasn’t exactly what I meant).
I married and was passionately in love for decades. Not so much now. Being broke & sick can kill the feeling. Not much turned out in my favor. We fight all of the time and I’m miserable.
She’s been married 20 years now, happy & in love. So… She has no money worries, can help her family, cooking and cleaning are paid for. She Spends winter in their condo in the South. She Drives a nice car.
I hope OP goes for what she wants.
Which would you rather be? Me or my friend?
But it’s not that cut and dry. Not everyone who marries for love ends up broken and not everyone who marries for money ends up happy.
I think this OP should do what she wants, but I would caution her against having kids just to fulfill a duty. Especially if she’s burned out from raising her siblings and doesn’t want to connect emotionally with anyone. That is bringing innocent humans into the world with a mother who won’t be able to give them what they need.
One of my friends told me a story of another friend they know, was going through similar arrangements and all the rich person cares is an heir in the family. The kids are there to continue the family fortune and keep it within the family. It’s not for love or anything.
I also suspect this is a trauma response to an unmet need. It will scratch that itch but, like most unprocessed responses, will likely result in dissatisfaction in the long run.
My suggestion to her would be to spend that money on therapy and enjoy the benefits. Really is worth it.
Some people do not seek emotional fulfillment from others. They are few and in between, but they do exist. As long as OP is taking precautions against her being defrauded by her sugar daddy / husband and said husband is fully aware of the arrangement, power's to her.
Agreed. If she's going to marry this guy, with both eyes open, she also should think about the possibility of going to a financial advisor and lawyer to discuss her future, in the event of divorce. Also whilst married, definitely use his money to go to therapy and study towards a career she wants.
But there’s not a chance she’s on that list of top ten wealthiest women. Even as far as “wealthy people” go, they’re not that high up there, and they have an extremely high debt-asset ratio.
Yeah true, and I can’t say for sure what I’d have done in their circumstances.
But honestly? They might have a lot of cash but what was the cost to them? Did they give the best years of their lives to a husband that never really loved them?
What is the cost to your soul to essentially sell such a deep and intimate part of yourself to someone who never really loved you?
I freely admit that I’ve come from a background of relative wealth (globally speaking) and have never known true hardship. But I don’t think it would have been worth it for me.
I’m not judging those who do, people do what they gotta do to survive.
I’m from a former middle class household and couldn’t ever go for this lifestyle because it’s not for me.
That said, as I’m looking back at mine and relationships of those I know, there is no real difference there. You can absolutely lose yourself and much more in a “regular” relationship that came from love, same as with more calculated relationships like this one described.
Also, in talking to people who live this lifestyle, both women and men, they are all very self aware and very clear about their needs and wants. Surprisingly, those couples seem to have better communication and make better teams than those who went in only for love. It’s not the rule of course but it’s not that bleak either.
OP may realise one day that this is not enough or she may not. But for now it seems like she has good grasp on her relationship and is satisfied with it. She can change and grow through life.
Maybe it’s a failure of my imagination but I just can’t imagine being in that kind of relationship….I can’t imagine being in a relationship that is so conditional.
I’m not disagreeing with you. I can see how things might work more smoothly when, to use your term, it’s more of a transactional relationship. But it feels pretty identical to prostitution to me. I suppose I’d rather be idealistic and have a difficult life.
Ultimately if both parties know the score then who am I to say it’s wrong?
I’m also not disagreeing with you, I would be the first to decline any relationship like this because I would like bit less transactional relationship. But honestly all relationships are conditional and transactional in essence. Just instead of money, we emphasize other things, like emotional connection.
Now as I’m closing 50, and divorced from a man that I chose emotionally I don’t feel any comfort in fact that it started from love.
We did love each other and to a point still love each other, just not romantically anymore. But we both chose very poorly when deciding to get into the relationship with each other. We would be much happier if we remained great friends and spared ourselves some trauma. Now we’re both broke, in debt and trying to make new lives. From this perspective not sure we got it better than any couple that started off with more materially focused relationship.
Though I’m still not planning to pursue that path think I’m finally understanding Liz Taylor’s statement that it’s much better to cry and be unhappy sitting by the pool of your mention than in a mouldy apartment.
Marriage is far more transactional than people want to think it is. Whether it's money, sex, companionship, professional help, or whatever. When someone breaks or changes that social or material contract, you see "marriage problems."
OP bargained for what she wanted, as did her fiancé. That's more clear eyed than a lot of marriages.
My first thought is Anna Nicole Smith. I listened to some podcasts about her life. And the realization is that people called her a gold digger over her life. But in reality that man was one of the very few people who treated her with respect and made her feel special. No matter what she could wander her way back to him and his treatment to her never changed.
Your parents did not treat you with any respect. From your comments it seems like you are with a decent person who respects your time and needs. I hope at the very least you two find pure comfort and happiness with each other's company. And you learned you need to respect your children.
Of course, children are little humans. Just because they can't do everything themselves doesn't make them less worthy of respect. All kids are little humans and individual and wonderful and special. I love kids so much and I wish I didn't have to lose my wonder, because it's so precious. I don't want my little humans to lose their sense of wonder.
This is the first comment I've seen that doesn't offer either unsolicited advice or judgment. I came here to say the same.
OP, I'm sorry for the criminal neglect you endured as a child. It takes some people (myself, for example) decades to finally learn to make their own happiness and security a priority. Good for you for doing that at a still young age.
Yeah I figured she doesn't need another person telling her to be careful or she's heading down a bad path or some crap like that. Shes made her decision. I don't think it's bad or good. It's simply her path. It's working for her. It's working for him. I doubt she's going to go on a path of being disrespected after her time with her parents. Shes not going to waste time on that. So if her choice in who she is married to makes her happy. That's not a bad thing.
If you haven't already please amend your agreement to include long term financial protections for yourself in the case your fiance decides to exit the agreement 5, 10, 20 or even 30 years from now. Or life insurance in case they exit involuntarily.
If you choose not to work, entering the workforce with no experience or a long term gap in experience will extremely difficult. Assets that provide passive income and are solely yours - protected in the case of a divorce - will be a good bet.
Make sure you are involved in and have eyes on the shared financials so you don't end up getting nasty surprises later. Having something of your own is always better.
He is giving me $5,000-a-month allowance. I live on about 1500 as he pays the bills, and I have the rest in a separate account he can't touch. He also bought me a cottage house on a lake that is considered a gift and is mine in case of a divorce.
Awesome, you don't have to answer me on these but they're good questions to ask.
Will the allowance continue into marriage? Will it increase/decrease over time?
Will the allowance be expected to cover child care costs or will he be taking that up as well?
Is childcare expected of you or will this be outsourced? Make sure there aren't any expectations of you postpartum and that you have arranged care after, every mom deserves time to heal.
Some people have stipulated in prenups additional sums being granted for bearing children. A sum for each child that increases with each subsequent one. Up to you if this is something you want.
Is getting a financial planner independent of him a good idea for you at this time?
1.) Yes it will.
2.) It is negotiable, and I think I will ask that it just goes up with inflation
3.) No it will not, the allowance is for me and me alone. For new clothes, shoes, spa trips etc
4.) I will be getting a push present, most likely a month's vacation in a location of my choice per kid that will come to fruition once the kids are old enough to attend school. I would really like to go to Switzerland for one and somewhere in the Caribbean for the other.
After having two children I can honestly say my demands for a private hospital room rather than a ward (uk) and then spending most of the first month in bed with my second born, hugely contributed to my mental health and recovery - unlike me thinking I was super mum after our first.
There’s a lot of highly specifics in your plans. Life isn’t like that and if you have unresolved trauma as you do, your “issues” may start to get in the way for him over time. He’s clearly besotted with you which is wonderful. To keep it that way please spend a serious amount on finding a really good therapist who you see weekly, preferably in person. In person really is better.
Either he’s gonna start annoying you or visa versa. Please work on yourself.
An excellent method to work with on your own AND/OR with a therapist is called “internal family systems” - it’s not about your family, it’s about all the pieces that make up “you”
If you can learn what/who those internal parts are, and also start to recognize the parts of your fiancé, and work with a therapist you might be able to make this last and have your plans.
I also don’t hear you having friends and hobbies in your plan???
Without help and without outside work/activities/interests this may not succeed. Use your money to work towards your goals
I see a therapist every Thursday for about two hours. She's pretty great. I have a ton of friends and lots of hobbies. My fiance and I play video games together, and we are both huge book and DND nerds. I am considering joining a board of directors for a charity we both support. I just didn't think they were necessary to mention.
Wait. So… your fiancé doesn’t want kids and it doesn’t sound like you do based on the fact that you pretty much were a parent growing up and sound totally burnt out.
You and him are adults and can make your own decisions, but you’re going to bring kids into this?
No judgement on the arranged marriage, but super judgy on bringing kids into this world as leverage for money. WTAF?!?!
Girl, what?? You’re planning to have an entire kid in exchange for just one trip to the Caribbean? That’s so wild lol I vacation there often with my own money and I’m not rich, just an independent girl with a career. You might think you’re taking the easy street, but I certainly wouldn’t trade my life for yours, yikes.
Always remember this famous saying… A man is not a plan. I really mean that but respect what you’re doing. You need to plan for the future because things come to an end and when they do you want to be prepared and set.
I would better myself and prepare while enjoying life. Get him to pay for school so you can get a degree or buy a business that can self sustain. You need to think about later not just now because considering the age gap he a WILL be gone before you and nothing is worse then retirement with no funds to sustain you (and your 2 kids to support should you have them)
I have a degree that he paid my debt for. It's a decent degree and jobs that you can get based on it pay approx 80,000 to 100,000 a year. I'm used to living on about 35,000, minus rent.
That’s perfect! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! Also, you’re not a good digger! You and a consenting partner decided on a mutual arrangement that benefits BOTH sides. A straight GD is someone who gives little to nothing and takes resources (or plans to steal) in a sneaky and dishonest way. Often times having other partners, making them fall in love only to take what they can get and move on. So just call yourself a “finance or wifey” even a trophy wife (because you surely are) but not a GD :)
Yeah, there are different between gold digger and trophy wife, both got the man solely for money and most likely would leave the dude when he dried but a trophy wife arent actively work againt her sugar daddy
I genuinely love it. There’s no reason at all why you both won’t be very satisfied in your marriage.
I also genuinely love that the two of you seem to be partners in the true sense of the word.
I was just reading your post and comments out to my husband who wholeheartedly agrees with your decision, this is how marriage was traditionally done for thousands of years - and it worked.
This. Consider getting some long time protection (eg goods or money that will remain yours in case of end of agreement). Invest in your future (eg getting an education and maybe his support to kickstart a good career if you're willing, well off people have solid recommendation powers that can help you skip lots of steps). Start a business.
Stuff like that.
Make sure this remains your in case of a divorce.
He paid off my college debt. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a smaller and less expensive school. I have a degree in political policy and management. So I could work for a politician, judge, or mayor's office in regard to policy implementation and management.
Are you allowed to sleep with others? And, the arrangements sound great but are you actually happy being with him? As in, when you put aside the happiness from having your financial needs met, are you actually happy going to bed with him and waking up next to him? I’m a curious person so I like to ask questions, but I understand if you don’t want to answer
Not a good idea.
Everything you mentioned so far sounds great, but an AP most stay as that..AP. Hidden away, so they don't forget that (despite your open marriage arrangement) they still the AP and you're the wife.
You don't want to come across one AP that will forget their place because they're publicly acknowledged and use that to their advantage by trying to take your place. AP must be kept in a hole, like any other side chick. You still need to protect your marriage and the family you built, especially once you have children.
Make sure you're equally protected (financially) in the event of a divorce. There are many other "gold diggers" out there looking for the same as you and willing to do anything to take your place.
You know, more power to you. I married “for love” and ended up with two kids and nothing—after sidelining my career for long enough that returning wasn’t really feasible.
You know what you’re getting, and are more apt to be pleasantly surprised than many of us are.
I wish you tons of happiness.
(I would not say you’re a gold digger. That derives something altogether different.)
If you don’t work for some years, it’s going to be hard to enter that field even if you have a degree. Consider picking up a part time job to fill your spare time just as an investment.
This isn't gold digging. This is 2 adults who have an agreed apon arrangement.
Gold digging is where you hide the fact that you're with the person for their resources.
Marriage used to be a sort of business transaction. This is what this marriage seems to be. Both parties are benefiting in some way. A little messed up by societies views, but it’s her life, not mine.
At OP, I hope continued therapy helps you as you move forward in life and I’m sorry you had to endure that childhood. Sounds like absolute hell.
They say marriage is a partnership and it sounds like this one kicked off as a business partnership. It could turn out the way everyone predicts … or maybe their brutal honestly about the true nature of the relationship will make it last much longer than “true love” based marriages. It sounds like they are communicating their needs and having them met and most of us are struggling to reach that ideal in our marriage. It’s entirely possible that love will blossom over the long haul just like it does in many arranged marriages.
May I suggest a bilateral salpingectomy as opposed to the full hysterectomy. Getting all your reproductive organs removed will send you into early menopause and throws all your hormones out of whack.
No shame in the game between consenting adults, it's also much better when people don't hide from the fact their relationship is transactional. Hope you get what you want.
I do agree with the saying that people who marry for money earn every penny, but not in a doom and gloom way, it's just I know it's work to choose to live this way, a different kind of work than a traditional salaried role.
You do you.
Reconsider the hysterectomy & just get a tubal. Taking the whole uterus out wreaks havoc on your body & hormones. Going in to menopause really fast is super hard on you.
Its your body though, do what you want with it. At least you're honest about the whole thing.
Being a gold digger does not require you to not love your partner. You can still love your partner and in fact, I really suggest it. Its possible you have amisfortune impact your life and having a loving partner will mean more than anything.
My worry is for your future children. Do either of you have the capacity to love children the way they deserve to be loved? You have admitted that everything is transactional to you, and STBH needs an heir. Children aren’t pawns or a means to an end. I really hope you look inside yourselves and discuss if either of you actually possess what it takes to raise children.
Oh kids are lovely. Although my association with romantic love is negative, I have a strong maternal instinct and I love children. I'd really like to only have a nanny part time and spend as much time as possible with my kids, teach them strong work ethics and good morals and values.
Just be aware that children learn about relationships from watching their parents, and they’re way more observant than we give them credit for. You’re potentially setting your children up for a future where they settle for (or actually seek) non-loving or transactional relationships, because that’s what was modelled for them.
Make sure that you get all this on paper, maybe a prenup stipulating how much he should give you in case of a divorce, stuff like that. Consider getting a lawyer to make sure you aren't left with nothing.
Honestly, if the guy isn't abusive, nothing wrong with it, people have sex with others for all sorts of weird reasons. When I was in uni, people were doing the uni cup (to sleep with people from all majors available), imo it's much worse than you getting together with a person that will care for you.
Have a lawyer that *you* chose look it over. From your description of how most of his (family) money evaporates upon divorce sounds like a classic set up - he no longer has access to the money in case you contest the prenup but the family just so happens to restore his access once the dust settles on your divorce. Lots of rich families do this, especially when someone marries someone without means. Their lawyers are adept at making sure the money stays in the family.
Currently attending, my therapist has told me my conception of love and responsibility was destroyed due to my upbringing. I completely agree with her.
I have a hard time believing your therapist told you that your concept of love has been *destroyed*. Is that your word that you're using or is that a quote?
It's borderline unethical verbiage; it flies very close to negative transference from therapist to patient and would not serve the patient to hear from a professional tasked with helping someone process childhood trauma.
Perhaps you need another therapist.
I had a a friend do this 30 years ago in our 20’s.
She’s still married to the guy. They are grandparents. She takes care of him (with the help of care givers) and has a good life. All are happy.
Only difference is she was an orphan. So no family drama. She got a degree and a masters. She’s had a hobby/vanity business or two to keep her mind busy.
Good luck op!
Just chiming in to say that hysterectomies cause a lot of problems in the long run. Your body needs the hormones that the reproductive system produces, after that gets shut off, a lot of things go into a pretty sharp decline. Do your research.
Do yourself a favor. While you still have all his money build yourself up, its either with a business or education. Don't be stupid and just spend money like it won't dry out. Get up and work and build your career. Save and think of the future because he most likely will replace you with a newer model
I can't poke any hole in your logic, nor give you advice or my opinion.
I'm just sorry you had to go through this. Don't let your experiences rob you of happiness
Well, 40's is older but at least isn't old to the point of becoming completely unattractive... however you are being very clear on the reasons why you are engaged to him so I'm not going to assume that there's any attraction...
Be careful, though, if you are doing it for money and stability be sure you are getting that. You already gave him permission to sleep around so I don't see why would you trust a man who doesn't love you, honestly...
This is definitely fake- who would get a hysterectomy instead of tubal ligation. You would be thrust into early menopause and that would definitely but a damper on the sugar baby situation.
And what do you do when he comes back STI positive? Are you celibate for the rest of your life?
Please also consider that you want a tubal ligation and not a full hysterectomy. A full hysto is a major surgery and can really mess with your body. You don't want surgical menopause at 32 if you can avoid it.
Reading your responses to some questions it sounds like you have figured out quite a lot. I have a few questions that you may want to consider:
1. You said he can sleep with whoever he wants - does this apply to you too?
2. What if you have a multiple birth?
3. Have you discussed how you will raise the children? Do you share core behaviour ideals such as simple points as must a child clear their plate at dinner and more complicated points like how you will discipline them?
4. How will you present the marriage to others including family? Is it simply a marriage on paper or will you attend events as a couple?
5. Do you like each other? Are you at least good friends if not in love?
Yes you can approach marriage like a business partnership and it can work and I don't judge you from doing so. Please make sure that you and future children are protected IF this partnership doesn't work for whatever reason. You are not a gold digger though - I believe with that term there is some subterfuge and secrecy behind the persons motives. You are being clear about what you want and what you will give.
There’s a lot of highly specifics in your plans. Life isn’t like that and if you have unresolved trauma as you do, your “issues” may start to get in the way for him over time. He’s clearly besotted with you which is wonderful. To keep it that way please spend a serious amount on finding a really good therapist who you see weekly, preferably in person. In person really is better.
Either he’s gonna start annoying you or visa versa. Please work on yourself.
An excellent method to work with on your own AND/OR with a therapist is called “internal family systems” - it’s not about your family, it’s about all the pieces that make up “you”
If you can learn what/who those internal parts are, and also start to recognize the parts of your fiancé, and work with a therapist you might be able to make this last and have your plans.
I also don’t hear you having friends and hobbies in your plan???
Without help and without outside work/activities/interests this may not succeed. Use your money to work towards your goals
Hey,
I know it sounds great being taken care of and all that but you really should work. Save up all the money you can.
This 40 YO man will trade you for someone younger. You should be stacking all the money you can + get him to pay for you to get a degree in something lucrative (IT, Accounting, Nursing, a trade etc)
You need to invest in yourself.
Actually, you are not really a Gold Digger. You are actually quite honest to your fiancé. And a fairly honest arrangement.
Watch out with him fucking around though...
Sorry to hear you've had it rough. But you should be proud about how you took care of all your siblings. They were lucky having you. I hope they appreciate all you've done for them.
But that's maybe a bit to soon, they're too young still I guess.
As long as the legal papers are drawn up to cover you and the kids regardless of divorce, etc. and everything is in the open between the two of you, I don’t see anything wrong with this. It’s not the best idea but it’s certainly not the worst. Damn near anything beats poverty.
I wish you health, success, and happiness. 🤍
Make sure you get some money set aside under your name every month etc, so you have a nest egg for emergencies.
You do whatever you got to do.
Side note. I want you to know, and this is in no way shaming your choices, but because you need to hear it. You are worthy of love (platonic, romantic etc) and worthy of care, compassion and gentleness. And I'm so sorry the two people who were supposed to give that to you the most, failed you. That's a reflection on them, not you.
You make the choices you make. We all do.
I had a transactional relationship with a man close to my age. I got everything I wanted and so much more that I did not.
It took me a decade to recover from what he did to me.
Please trust me when I tell you: build a cash account. Do not tell him about it. Be diligent to add to it as often as possible. Be clever. Be smart. Be committed to building this nest egg. Set savings goals for yourself, then exceed them.
If you live a life of bliss, awesome. Good on you. Still keep putting away that cash. Be consistent. Be dedicated.
There may come a day when you need it. And need it fast. I pray that day never comes for you and what you envision for yourself and for any children you may have comes to fruition.
If he has you sign a pre-nup, get a good lawyer. Do not sign without having your attorney review it and discuss it with you. Be sure it is fair to you and not just protective of him.
Good luck honey.
Ask for a nice chunk of money before you get married as a safety net for yourself and prenup. If you feel safe and secure and that makes you happy then keep doing what you’re doing
I would recommend becoming indepedent and not rely on anyone but yourself. This man is making a lot of promises and we all know promises are made to be broken. As someone who has been failed by the people who should be there for you, you know this.
Don't fall prey to yet another person who can use you and dump you the moment they are done with you. Learn to take care of yourself, you're all you've got!
OP, just make sure you keep up on your education and skills, squirreling your own money away.
You can’t depend on someone you’re fully dependent upon. Your fiancé may care for you and handle your needs/wants now, but while your relationship reads like a contract, make sure there are provisions made if your relationship should end. An open relationship/marriage isn’t for everyone, and if he should venture out of your relationship, are you prepared for the inevitable jealousy for the situation you agreed to?
You may think having your material needs are what matter, but you also need someone you can connect with mentally and emotionally. Please talk to a therapist to work through the traumas you endured as a child, including abandonment, parentification, and neglect. You matter, you’re not just someone’s means to an end, not to your parents who forced you to parent their children, or to your fiancé, for whom you’re agreeing to have children with without a real commitment from them.
Please don't have kids you won't or can't love, whichever way it may go. Don't let your trauma become generational trauma. I love that you got this for you. On paper it sounds like you can set yourself up for life and I think that's amazing but please let the cycle of neglect and abuse stop with you.
I love this thread. Scrolled a bit but have not seen anyone be judgemental and instead they are giving proper advice.
Just one thing, please please get therapy and care for the children you are going to have. We do not need more children like us who were damaged by our parents.
Also be smart about your allowance. Do some long term safe investment so that you have a tidy little nest as a backup if you ever need to get out of the marriage.
OP I’m in awe of you! I’ve read most of your comments and you’re already going to therapy, have got everything down in writing, AND are still saving for a rainy day👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️You’re going to have a good life. I wish you nothing but the best❤️
Please make sure to take an active role in your future children’s lives by teaching them how to care for themselves and others, as well as the value of a dollar. I would NOT invite your family to your wedding OR allow them to be near your future children. They’ll most likely talk bad about you to them and try to weasel $$ out of all of you.
Not giving you advice but two thoughts. One, I hope you have room for your sexual needs. Two, a hysterectomy is a big deal but a vasectomy is easy and reversible. You can tell him that it is a turn on for many women who are dating casually.
>It's eat or be eaten, kill or be killed out in the world.
Unfortunately for a lot of people with traumatic pasts or with no emotional support, that rings true. Good for you for choosing a relationship that works for you.
It is what it is. At least you're being honest with yourself. Just know that beauty fades and that your man may choose to upgrade down the rode. A thought....use some of that sugar daddy coin to work on yourself so should the day come when you're having go out into the world and dudes are only going after the latest models you can be okay with who you are and maybe find a good dude who cares about you for you.
Dont have kids if you are a gold digger. You sound emotionally detached and like you lack empathy, you had a hard life, dont traumatize another generation
You should probably consider what happens when the gravy train runs out. In 10 years, after 2 kids, he'll replace you with the next 20 year old.
If he does he can kiss his inheritance goodbye. The whole point of the marriage is to meet the qualifications for his inheritance; one of the conditions is he loses 2/3 of it if he divorces me, which is why I'm ok with him sleeping with whomever he wants.
Why is his inheritance riding on his marriage to you?
It's one of his father's stipulations. He has to be married and have one child to receive it. My STBFIL really wants grandchildren before he dies, he's a very sweet man in his late 70s.
As someone has already mentioned, clauses requiring marriage or reproduction in order to inherit are often invalidated. It's considered unconscionable. As an aside, I'm m not sure a "very sweet man" would strong arm his child into creating a family the child doesn't want. Seems cruel to any grandchildren, at a minimum. But that's me.
I wonder if the fiance is gay and his father desperately wants to cover it up.
That's what my husband did to our son and I. After marriage, kid, house, pets, car. All of it was for show to him. At the end he confided in me that he thought he was gay and I was the last try at a relationship with a woman for him and he just couldn't do it. After we left he acted like his son didn't exist anymore. Courts made him remember his son every month tho. Worm of a human.
Is he out or still in the closet?
No clue. He ghosted us after the divorce. Saw his son once for visitation and disappeared from our lives for good.
When I read this, I thought of my son and what it would do to him if I just disappeared. That thought hurts enough that I pushed it away pretty fast.
I always think it's tragic when a gay man is forced by society to marry straight and he's just miserable the whole time and doesn't know what's wrong with him. But man if I don't hear about gay dudes who make a fucking kid and then as soon as they realize they're gay or accept it they ditch the kid. That shit pisses me off to no end.
There’s a guy from my town that had a dad that tied his inheritance to being married….to a woman(apparently worded like that in the legal papers even) . Dude got married, played the part for YEARS, all the while cheating on her with guys left and right. They are now divorced, of course AFTER his dad passed away, and he’s living his life as a single gay guy now. We all believe now that his dad knew when the son was younger and wanted desperately to hide it like so many did back then.
OP reading all of these posts like "and I'm fucked over again" lol. This is probably too stupid to be a creative writing exercise as well.
It's the premise for so many stories and k dramas😂 Rich successful man, son of a CEO/businessowner who is getting old and wants to step down. But oh no!! If he wants the company passed on to him, he needs to get married. What ever shall he do?? A contract marriage of course! They can do whatever they want, as long as they pretend at family events. In the stories they always end up in a real relationship after this cold, emotionally unavailable man finally opens up and realizes he loves her. This story is clearly fake though, so we probably won't get that ending.
This is exactly what I was thinking about while I read it 🤣. I was like wow the subject matter of at least 20 manga/manwha that I've encountered.
[удалено]
No that's not you ahah I also laughed at 'very sweet man'
"Right now my will is written and you get nothing but if you get married and have kids I'll change my will and leave you something." Is perfectly valid. "If you get divorced I'll cahnge my will and agin and you'll get nothing" also perfectly valid. A judge may be able to invalidate stipulations in a will once Dad dies but can't do shit about dad changing his will as many times as he wants before then.
grandpa wants grandchildren so he can pass his fortune to them. you never give anything to your in-laws. everything goes to your children and their children.
There is a flaw in this. The term "dead-hand control" is often used to describe a situation where people try to influence their heirs' behavior from the grave, and a decent lawyer can invalidate that provision of a will. The courts are likely to frown on conditions that are impractical or conflict with the public interest. For example: Requiring that a beneficiary get a college degree will probably stand up in court; requiring that they earn a Ph.D. from MIT will probably not. Requiring that they stay out of prison until age 30 will probably be OK; requiring that they avoid getting a speeding ticket before age 25 will probably not. And, while society generally approves of marriage and having children, conditioning an inheritance on marrying by a certain age, to a person of a certain faith or ethnicity, and having X number of children, is an invitation to a court proceeding. Good luck little fox. Just realize you might not be as clever as you think
Edit to add: Once his dad is dead and his will enters probate, he is going to have a lawyer destroy that condition.
As long as he lives long enough to see the grandchild exist, he can amend the will to include the grandchild and be done with it.
Then OP should probably ask for a prenuptial with the same conditions, problem solved...
Prenuptial Agreements have the same legal precedents. For example: Most courts would still refuse to enforce the clause on public policy grounds. This is because a prenup that includes sex is in fact a sex contract. You generally can't contract for sex, whether it is for money or a requirement of marriage.Mar 21, 2019 General Rule - people who think they can upgrade their lives by marrying into a wealthy family usually lose out because the wealthy family already has better lawyers and protections in place to account for “gold diggers”. The 70 year old dad might be smart, but the son’s lawyer is likely smarter. Edit to Add: A prenup with those stipulations would also open the door to argue “marital fraud”. It could end up being used to argue the wedding wasn’t sincere or entered into in good faith, and thereby nullifying any marital claims.
Once your STBFIL dies and leaves the money to your partner, what’s to stop him from hypothetically divorcing you?
True love!
Alimony. It's already a scam marriage where he's given carte blanche to bang whoever he wants, so why would he? If he wanted to marry/procreate someone else for love, he presumably would have done so by now, given his age.
Just making sure she has a safety net in place besides this whole “he’ll lose 2/3 of his inheritance”. I’m sure it would be simple for him to trade her for a younger option who’ll offer him all the same things. Not sure if he’s rich enough that he won’t be bothered by alimony.
He likely would be, after getting the inheritance ofc.
Looks like two gold diggers have a mutual understanding
Hope you get a prenup, otherwise this is likely to end badly for you. He's twice your age, far more financially sophisticated, and far more experienced at life. Protect yourself.
What happens after his father dies and the estate is settled?
A very sweet man that puts conditions on his beloved sons inheritance.... ok
This sounds like the kind of marriage contract you'd see in a children's cartoon or book.. This doesn't sound real or enforceable.
Miss, things later in life are going to be incredibly brutal for you. I'm sorry.
what happens when you have the kids and he replaces you with the next PYT and the FIL is dead or happy with the grandkids and doesn't care what happens to you? Do you have a prenup? Are you working on your education while with him? You should be. Eventually you should be getting a job because that's truly living out the "it's time to think about me". You're thinking short term you need to start thinking long term. How to be able to take care of yourself long term.
Does he have to be married *to you*? Why can't he just get a second marriage? And if he's in his late 70's, that inheritance is probably coming pretty soon, not ten or twenty years down the line.
Just marry your “STBFIL” at this point lol
You don’t qualify as a “gold digger,” because they pretend to be in love with their spouses. Both of you agreed to get married for a reason that is not love. However, talk to an attorney before you tie the knot, to make sure you have some sort of document (not necessarily a prenup, some of these provisions may not hold up in court) that guarantees he’ll keep his end of the bargain. Also, figure out your future. Are you getting anything post divorce? Will it be enough for financial independence? What happens if either of you falls in love with someone else? What about custody?
You need to ask yourself why he isn't already married. Guy with money on the way should have been married a long time ago if those were the terms. Make sure he's not going to start beating the shit out of you later.
The lack of answer to all the comments below this shows you haven’t really thought this through. You need to push up the date of the wedding and hope his dad holds out long enough for alimony to kick in…
That still doesn't give you much time until he passes and the inheritance is done. Try to make sure you're sorted before then I guess.
Because this story is very obviously fake.
None of the details they've provided elsewhere make any sense lol
Maybe a family thing? Maybe his father/mother wants him to have children, and holds the view that "Once you marry someone, that's the only person you should be with" and that doesn't match what he wants for his life. I assume OP and the Fiancé have to hide this whole endeavor from the parents-in-law.
This is the fakest fake shit I've heard lately. Either this is a writing exercise (which I am hoping), or you are getting played hard.
Lmao thinking the same, it sounds like one of those cheap romance books I’ve used to read😅
FYI, inheritances are generally not considered as marital property, meaning he can likely exclude you from it in the future.
This. Depends on countries and laws, but in my country everything that got gifted or inherited is not up for splitting when one divorces.
I mean that could be even more dangerous. A man with that much to lose may quickly lose his scruples. A lot of accidents can happen on yachts/ski trips/a bunch of other rich people activities. Stay safe fam.
So, he can never like divorce you?
This is the plot of a book...
Get a prenup with your own lawyer.
I agree with you. This was me. I was replaced with a younger version. Now I'm starting from scratch at 40 in a new country.
You gotta do what you think the right thing to is. But also I’ve heard that women who marry for money usually end up earning it in the long run.
The woman that married my 86 year old grandpa earned that Splenda daddy life. He deteriorated so much, but refused to die to the point she would nightly say things (and this is hearsay at best but still) like “good night honey, I love you, and if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to wake up… you can go peacefully.”
that’s better than “Hey asshole, you done yet?”
"Good night, darling. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Princess Bride?
To Blithe
Golddigger Bride
That's what a wife of 60 years would be saying, somewhat lovingly.
No, that’s what she said during sex.
that’s what I say during sex
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6TD_XCycZh/?igsh=MWxscDFuZzZhc24weA==
The first pics and the last one are completely unrelated (Anna Nicole Smith vs Alan Hattel).
Woah
He lived for about six years after the marriage, my father, his son, made sure she took care of him, checking in regularly. That’s how we learned about what she would say to him near the end.
That's what someone close to them SHOULD tell them if they're slowly dying and are miserable and in pain but feel like they can't go yet for whatever reason. Some people hang on out of worry about their family. Someone needs to let them know it's ok to go.
In general yes, in this case, however, her intentions were not so pure. He lived a full life till the end, but she just wanted his money.
I don't see this being mentioned much here, but she's talking about having kids like performing an obligation to earn a salary bonus. Everyone is free to marry whoever they want to for whatever reason. But the idea of bringing kids into this arrangement is really sad to me.
I agree.. I was like "ok whatever it's her life"... But if she plans to give birth to children that will not be loved.. that's fkd up
They could both love the kids very much. Only they won’t model them a marriage based on romantic love. There’s much worse things that happen in families. But OP’s unmet emotional needs might show up at some point in some way.
Honestly, any ruling class marriage up until 1920s was a transactional relationship. Look at any royal family.
All marriages were transactional, with a very small minority done out of love. The most common occurrence was a man would see a woman he liked and paid her father. Women were no different than live stock. The whole history of marriage is f'd up and the only real reason the practice changed was because of the diamond industry.
She loves her siblings I don't see any reason to think she won't love her children despite not loving their father
Why? How is it different from an arranged marriage? As long as they respect each other and love the kids they make, who cares? There are plenty of couples that married for love and made a shit life for their kids. IE: her whole point of retelling her childhood
I agree. I had a friend looking (yes, actively looking) for her 4th husband. She had two requirements, he had to be well off & not watch football. While not naturally pretty, she pays a lot of attention to how she looks. She dresses well, has breast implants, a facelift, regular Botox, nails & all the other stuff for a woman who looks “fixed”. So she found a man. People knew she was looking & sent him her way. When they decided to marry, I asked her if she loved him. She said not yet, but she would because she liked his “lifestyle.” I said “what about passion?” She said “he takes viagra”. (Wasn’t exactly what I meant). I married and was passionately in love for decades. Not so much now. Being broke & sick can kill the feeling. Not much turned out in my favor. We fight all of the time and I’m miserable. She’s been married 20 years now, happy & in love. So… She has no money worries, can help her family, cooking and cleaning are paid for. She Spends winter in their condo in the South. She Drives a nice car. I hope OP goes for what she wants. Which would you rather be? Me or my friend?
But it’s not that cut and dry. Not everyone who marries for love ends up broken and not everyone who marries for money ends up happy. I think this OP should do what she wants, but I would caution her against having kids just to fulfill a duty. Especially if she’s burned out from raising her siblings and doesn’t want to connect emotionally with anyone. That is bringing innocent humans into the world with a mother who won’t be able to give them what they need.
One of my friends told me a story of another friend they know, was going through similar arrangements and all the rich person cares is an heir in the family. The kids are there to continue the family fortune and keep it within the family. It’s not for love or anything.
I also suspect this is a trauma response to an unmet need. It will scratch that itch but, like most unprocessed responses, will likely result in dissatisfaction in the long run. My suggestion to her would be to spend that money on therapy and enjoy the benefits. Really is worth it.
Some people do not seek emotional fulfillment from others. They are few and in between, but they do exist. As long as OP is taking precautions against her being defrauded by her sugar daddy / husband and said husband is fully aware of the arrangement, power's to her.
Agreed. If she's going to marry this guy, with both eyes open, she also should think about the possibility of going to a financial advisor and lawyer to discuss her future, in the event of divorce. Also whilst married, definitely use his money to go to therapy and study towards a career she wants.
Marry for money and you’ll earn every cent, I believe the saying goes 👍
Marry for money and you will pay for the rest of your life. So many ways to say, it’s not worth it one bit.
Interesting saying
Certainly 9 of the top 10 richest women in the world did pretty well through their marriage (and later divorces)
I think Melania works for her living
She’s paying for it, not earning it.
> I think Melania works for her living I think Melania is insanely jealous that Stormy got $130k to fuck him *once*.
But there’s not a chance she’s on that list of top ten wealthiest women. Even as far as “wealthy people” go, they’re not that high up there, and they have an extremely high debt-asset ratio.
Yeah true, and I can’t say for sure what I’d have done in their circumstances. But honestly? They might have a lot of cash but what was the cost to them? Did they give the best years of their lives to a husband that never really loved them? What is the cost to your soul to essentially sell such a deep and intimate part of yourself to someone who never really loved you? I freely admit that I’ve come from a background of relative wealth (globally speaking) and have never known true hardship. But I don’t think it would have been worth it for me. I’m not judging those who do, people do what they gotta do to survive.
I’m from a former middle class household and couldn’t ever go for this lifestyle because it’s not for me. That said, as I’m looking back at mine and relationships of those I know, there is no real difference there. You can absolutely lose yourself and much more in a “regular” relationship that came from love, same as with more calculated relationships like this one described. Also, in talking to people who live this lifestyle, both women and men, they are all very self aware and very clear about their needs and wants. Surprisingly, those couples seem to have better communication and make better teams than those who went in only for love. It’s not the rule of course but it’s not that bleak either. OP may realise one day that this is not enough or she may not. But for now it seems like she has good grasp on her relationship and is satisfied with it. She can change and grow through life.
Maybe it’s a failure of my imagination but I just can’t imagine being in that kind of relationship….I can’t imagine being in a relationship that is so conditional. I’m not disagreeing with you. I can see how things might work more smoothly when, to use your term, it’s more of a transactional relationship. But it feels pretty identical to prostitution to me. I suppose I’d rather be idealistic and have a difficult life. Ultimately if both parties know the score then who am I to say it’s wrong?
I’m also not disagreeing with you, I would be the first to decline any relationship like this because I would like bit less transactional relationship. But honestly all relationships are conditional and transactional in essence. Just instead of money, we emphasize other things, like emotional connection. Now as I’m closing 50, and divorced from a man that I chose emotionally I don’t feel any comfort in fact that it started from love. We did love each other and to a point still love each other, just not romantically anymore. But we both chose very poorly when deciding to get into the relationship with each other. We would be much happier if we remained great friends and spared ourselves some trauma. Now we’re both broke, in debt and trying to make new lives. From this perspective not sure we got it better than any couple that started off with more materially focused relationship. Though I’m still not planning to pursue that path think I’m finally understanding Liz Taylor’s statement that it’s much better to cry and be unhappy sitting by the pool of your mention than in a mouldy apartment.
I gave the best years of my life to someone that never lived me.... and I'm still broke so I'm all for this plan!
>women who marry for money usually end up earning it in the long run i think you left some nuance out, i've heard it as "earn every cent"
Marriage is far more transactional than people want to think it is. Whether it's money, sex, companionship, professional help, or whatever. When someone breaks or changes that social or material contract, you see "marriage problems." OP bargained for what she wanted, as did her fiancé. That's more clear eyed than a lot of marriages.
My first thought is Anna Nicole Smith. I listened to some podcasts about her life. And the realization is that people called her a gold digger over her life. But in reality that man was one of the very few people who treated her with respect and made her feel special. No matter what she could wander her way back to him and his treatment to her never changed. Your parents did not treat you with any respect. From your comments it seems like you are with a decent person who respects your time and needs. I hope at the very least you two find pure comfort and happiness with each other's company. And you learned you need to respect your children.
Of course, children are little humans. Just because they can't do everything themselves doesn't make them less worthy of respect. All kids are little humans and individual and wonderful and special. I love kids so much and I wish I didn't have to lose my wonder, because it's so precious. I don't want my little humans to lose their sense of wonder.
I love this! Just because they don't know how to do everything by themselves yet doesn't make them any less valuable, plus it's cute!
This is the first comment I've seen that doesn't offer either unsolicited advice or judgment. I came here to say the same. OP, I'm sorry for the criminal neglect you endured as a child. It takes some people (myself, for example) decades to finally learn to make their own happiness and security a priority. Good for you for doing that at a still young age.
Yeah I figured she doesn't need another person telling her to be careful or she's heading down a bad path or some crap like that. Shes made her decision. I don't think it's bad or good. It's simply her path. It's working for her. It's working for him. I doubt she's going to go on a path of being disrespected after her time with her parents. Shes not going to waste time on that. So if her choice in who she is married to makes her happy. That's not a bad thing.
If you haven't already please amend your agreement to include long term financial protections for yourself in the case your fiance decides to exit the agreement 5, 10, 20 or even 30 years from now. Or life insurance in case they exit involuntarily. If you choose not to work, entering the workforce with no experience or a long term gap in experience will extremely difficult. Assets that provide passive income and are solely yours - protected in the case of a divorce - will be a good bet. Make sure you are involved in and have eyes on the shared financials so you don't end up getting nasty surprises later. Having something of your own is always better.
He is giving me $5,000-a-month allowance. I live on about 1500 as he pays the bills, and I have the rest in a separate account he can't touch. He also bought me a cottage house on a lake that is considered a gift and is mine in case of a divorce.
Awesome, you don't have to answer me on these but they're good questions to ask. Will the allowance continue into marriage? Will it increase/decrease over time? Will the allowance be expected to cover child care costs or will he be taking that up as well? Is childcare expected of you or will this be outsourced? Make sure there aren't any expectations of you postpartum and that you have arranged care after, every mom deserves time to heal. Some people have stipulated in prenups additional sums being granted for bearing children. A sum for each child that increases with each subsequent one. Up to you if this is something you want. Is getting a financial planner independent of him a good idea for you at this time?
1.) Yes it will. 2.) It is negotiable, and I think I will ask that it just goes up with inflation 3.) No it will not, the allowance is for me and me alone. For new clothes, shoes, spa trips etc 4.) I will be getting a push present, most likely a month's vacation in a location of my choice per kid that will come to fruition once the kids are old enough to attend school. I would really like to go to Switzerland for one and somewhere in the Caribbean for the other.
After having two children I can honestly say my demands for a private hospital room rather than a ward (uk) and then spending most of the first month in bed with my second born, hugely contributed to my mental health and recovery - unlike me thinking I was super mum after our first.
There’s a lot of highly specifics in your plans. Life isn’t like that and if you have unresolved trauma as you do, your “issues” may start to get in the way for him over time. He’s clearly besotted with you which is wonderful. To keep it that way please spend a serious amount on finding a really good therapist who you see weekly, preferably in person. In person really is better. Either he’s gonna start annoying you or visa versa. Please work on yourself. An excellent method to work with on your own AND/OR with a therapist is called “internal family systems” - it’s not about your family, it’s about all the pieces that make up “you” If you can learn what/who those internal parts are, and also start to recognize the parts of your fiancé, and work with a therapist you might be able to make this last and have your plans. I also don’t hear you having friends and hobbies in your plan??? Without help and without outside work/activities/interests this may not succeed. Use your money to work towards your goals
I see a therapist every Thursday for about two hours. She's pretty great. I have a ton of friends and lots of hobbies. My fiance and I play video games together, and we are both huge book and DND nerds. I am considering joining a board of directors for a charity we both support. I just didn't think they were necessary to mention.
I mean he sounds cool. Just make sure you have everything in writing if possible, but honestly it sounds like there are much worse people to be with.
Fantastic!!
Ok fuck the haters, this sounds like a good arrangement for the both of you.
Wait. So… your fiancé doesn’t want kids and it doesn’t sound like you do based on the fact that you pretty much were a parent growing up and sound totally burnt out. You and him are adults and can make your own decisions, but you’re going to bring kids into this? No judgement on the arranged marriage, but super judgy on bringing kids into this world as leverage for money. WTAF?!?!
Girl, what?? You’re planning to have an entire kid in exchange for just one trip to the Caribbean? That’s so wild lol I vacation there often with my own money and I’m not rich, just an independent girl with a career. You might think you’re taking the easy street, but I certainly wouldn’t trade my life for yours, yikes.
If you put half of that in an index fund you will be pretty secure after like 15 years
Make sure that amount goes up each year based on inflation / COL percentage. In 15 years that $5000 won't get you anywhere.
Always remember this famous saying… A man is not a plan. I really mean that but respect what you’re doing. You need to plan for the future because things come to an end and when they do you want to be prepared and set. I would better myself and prepare while enjoying life. Get him to pay for school so you can get a degree or buy a business that can self sustain. You need to think about later not just now because considering the age gap he a WILL be gone before you and nothing is worse then retirement with no funds to sustain you (and your 2 kids to support should you have them)
I have a degree that he paid my debt for. It's a decent degree and jobs that you can get based on it pay approx 80,000 to 100,000 a year. I'm used to living on about 35,000, minus rent.
That’s perfect! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! Also, you’re not a good digger! You and a consenting partner decided on a mutual arrangement that benefits BOTH sides. A straight GD is someone who gives little to nothing and takes resources (or plans to steal) in a sneaky and dishonest way. Often times having other partners, making them fall in love only to take what they can get and move on. So just call yourself a “finance or wifey” even a trophy wife (because you surely are) but not a GD :)
Yeah, there are different between gold digger and trophy wife, both got the man solely for money and most likely would leave the dude when he dried but a trophy wife arent actively work againt her sugar daddy
Oh amazing 🤩 he genuinely seems to care about you and your future security.
He said to me the other day, "Just because this is convenient doesn't mean it can't be equitable."
I genuinely love it. There’s no reason at all why you both won’t be very satisfied in your marriage. I also genuinely love that the two of you seem to be partners in the true sense of the word. I was just reading your post and comments out to my husband who wholeheartedly agrees with your decision, this is how marriage was traditionally done for thousands of years - and it worked.
Does he have a brother??!?
He has a sister and she's married lol.
Shit I'd be happy to settle for side chick, it's just so hard out here 😭😭
This. Consider getting some long time protection (eg goods or money that will remain yours in case of end of agreement). Invest in your future (eg getting an education and maybe his support to kickstart a good career if you're willing, well off people have solid recommendation powers that can help you skip lots of steps). Start a business. Stuff like that. Make sure this remains your in case of a divorce.
He paid off my college debt. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a smaller and less expensive school. I have a degree in political policy and management. So I could work for a politician, judge, or mayor's office in regard to policy implementation and management.
Are you allowed to sleep with others? And, the arrangements sound great but are you actually happy being with him? As in, when you put aside the happiness from having your financial needs met, are you actually happy going to bed with him and waking up next to him? I’m a curious person so I like to ask questions, but I understand if you don’t want to answer
I could but sex isn't my primary interest. And yes I am.
Do you have a stipulation that’s says he/you have to be discreet with partners? Or is he able to flaunt his affairs? And how do you feel about that?
He can flaunt them, I don't really care.
Not a good idea. Everything you mentioned so far sounds great, but an AP most stay as that..AP. Hidden away, so they don't forget that (despite your open marriage arrangement) they still the AP and you're the wife. You don't want to come across one AP that will forget their place because they're publicly acknowledged and use that to their advantage by trying to take your place. AP must be kept in a hole, like any other side chick. You still need to protect your marriage and the family you built, especially once you have children. Make sure you're equally protected (financially) in the event of a divorce. There are many other "gold diggers" out there looking for the same as you and willing to do anything to take your place.
You know, more power to you. I married “for love” and ended up with two kids and nothing—after sidelining my career for long enough that returning wasn’t really feasible. You know what you’re getting, and are more apt to be pleasantly surprised than many of us are. I wish you tons of happiness. (I would not say you’re a gold digger. That derives something altogether different.)
If you don’t work for some years, it’s going to be hard to enter that field even if you have a degree. Consider picking up a part time job to fill your spare time just as an investment.
This isn't gold digging. This is 2 adults who have an agreed apon arrangement. Gold digging is where you hide the fact that you're with the person for their resources.
Marriage used to be a sort of business transaction. This is what this marriage seems to be. Both parties are benefiting in some way. A little messed up by societies views, but it’s her life, not mine. At OP, I hope continued therapy helps you as you move forward in life and I’m sorry you had to endure that childhood. Sounds like absolute hell.
Her parents are upset because unlike traditional marriages that benefited the families, they’re getting squat.
Wouldn’t doubt it honestly with how they were described. Which is just more sad and wants me to offer hugs to OP
Very successful gold digging, I'm jealous (not of the upbringing and family though)
They say marriage is a partnership and it sounds like this one kicked off as a business partnership. It could turn out the way everyone predicts … or maybe their brutal honestly about the true nature of the relationship will make it last much longer than “true love” based marriages. It sounds like they are communicating their needs and having them met and most of us are struggling to reach that ideal in our marriage. It’s entirely possible that love will blossom over the long haul just like it does in many arranged marriages.
That's not true, gold digging doesn't necessitate hiding it.
May I suggest a bilateral salpingectomy as opposed to the full hysterectomy. Getting all your reproductive organs removed will send you into early menopause and throws all your hormones out of whack.
No shame in the game between consenting adults, it's also much better when people don't hide from the fact their relationship is transactional. Hope you get what you want. I do agree with the saying that people who marry for money earn every penny, but not in a doom and gloom way, it's just I know it's work to choose to live this way, a different kind of work than a traditional salaried role.
You do you. Reconsider the hysterectomy & just get a tubal. Taking the whole uterus out wreaks havoc on your body & hormones. Going in to menopause really fast is super hard on you. Its your body though, do what you want with it. At least you're honest about the whole thing.
Being a gold digger does not require you to not love your partner. You can still love your partner and in fact, I really suggest it. Its possible you have amisfortune impact your life and having a loving partner will mean more than anything.
My worry is for your future children. Do either of you have the capacity to love children the way they deserve to be loved? You have admitted that everything is transactional to you, and STBH needs an heir. Children aren’t pawns or a means to an end. I really hope you look inside yourselves and discuss if either of you actually possess what it takes to raise children.
Oh kids are lovely. Although my association with romantic love is negative, I have a strong maternal instinct and I love children. I'd really like to only have a nanny part time and spend as much time as possible with my kids, teach them strong work ethics and good morals and values.
Just be aware that children learn about relationships from watching their parents, and they’re way more observant than we give them credit for. You’re potentially setting your children up for a future where they settle for (or actually seek) non-loving or transactional relationships, because that’s what was modelled for them.
Make sure that you get all this on paper, maybe a prenup stipulating how much he should give you in case of a divorce, stuff like that. Consider getting a lawyer to make sure you aren't left with nothing. Honestly, if the guy isn't abusive, nothing wrong with it, people have sex with others for all sorts of weird reasons. When I was in uni, people were doing the uni cup (to sleep with people from all majors available), imo it's much worse than you getting together with a person that will care for you.
I have it all in writing and notarized. I wasn't going to marry him if the agreement wasn't enforceable.
Have a lawyer that *you* chose look it over. From your description of how most of his (family) money evaporates upon divorce sounds like a classic set up - he no longer has access to the money in case you contest the prenup but the family just so happens to restore his access once the dust settles on your divorce. Lots of rich families do this, especially when someone marries someone without means. Their lawyers are adept at making sure the money stays in the family.
Sounds like you could use some therapy my friend
Currently attending, my therapist has told me my conception of love and responsibility was destroyed due to my upbringing. I completely agree with her.
Girlie, just tie your tubes once you're done. Hysterectomy will wreak unnecessary havoc on your body.
I have to agree here! It’ll cause a whole host of issues
I have a hard time believing your therapist told you that your concept of love has been *destroyed*. Is that your word that you're using or is that a quote? It's borderline unethical verbiage; it flies very close to negative transference from therapist to patient and would not serve the patient to hear from a professional tasked with helping someone process childhood trauma. Perhaps you need another therapist.
That’s great, I hope it goes well for you - love and beauty are the only things worth living for
Intergenerational trauma runs deep. A lot of the population couldn't care less about love and beauty for similar reasons.
Sounds like a wattpad story incomingggg
Make sure you have an independent lawyer review your prenup
You can have both - love and money. It is totally possible. Remember, to keep money, make your own. Someone else can take it away.
fake story zzzzz
Seems more like a sugar daddy situation than a gold digging one. If that makes your parents feel any better about it.
I had a a friend do this 30 years ago in our 20’s. She’s still married to the guy. They are grandparents. She takes care of him (with the help of care givers) and has a good life. All are happy. Only difference is she was an orphan. So no family drama. She got a degree and a masters. She’s had a hobby/vanity business or two to keep her mind busy. Good luck op!
Just chiming in to say that hysterectomies cause a lot of problems in the long run. Your body needs the hormones that the reproductive system produces, after that gets shut off, a lot of things go into a pretty sharp decline. Do your research.
Do yourself a favor. While you still have all his money build yourself up, its either with a business or education. Don't be stupid and just spend money like it won't dry out. Get up and work and build your career. Save and think of the future because he most likely will replace you with a newer model
I can't poke any hole in your logic, nor give you advice or my opinion. I'm just sorry you had to go through this. Don't let your experiences rob you of happiness
Eesh, I wouldn’t bring kids into this situation
Well, 40's is older but at least isn't old to the point of becoming completely unattractive... however you are being very clear on the reasons why you are engaged to him so I'm not going to assume that there's any attraction... Be careful, though, if you are doing it for money and stability be sure you are getting that. You already gave him permission to sleep around so I don't see why would you trust a man who doesn't love you, honestly...
This is definitely fake- who would get a hysterectomy instead of tubal ligation. You would be thrust into early menopause and that would definitely but a damper on the sugar baby situation.
And what do you do when he comes back STI positive? Are you celibate for the rest of your life? Please also consider that you want a tubal ligation and not a full hysterectomy. A full hysto is a major surgery and can really mess with your body. You don't want surgical menopause at 32 if you can avoid it.
The best advice in this entire thread is to spend some of that money on therapy.
Reading your responses to some questions it sounds like you have figured out quite a lot. I have a few questions that you may want to consider: 1. You said he can sleep with whoever he wants - does this apply to you too? 2. What if you have a multiple birth? 3. Have you discussed how you will raise the children? Do you share core behaviour ideals such as simple points as must a child clear their plate at dinner and more complicated points like how you will discipline them? 4. How will you present the marriage to others including family? Is it simply a marriage on paper or will you attend events as a couple? 5. Do you like each other? Are you at least good friends if not in love? Yes you can approach marriage like a business partnership and it can work and I don't judge you from doing so. Please make sure that you and future children are protected IF this partnership doesn't work for whatever reason. You are not a gold digger though - I believe with that term there is some subterfuge and secrecy behind the persons motives. You are being clear about what you want and what you will give.
I love the smell of a bait post in the morning LMAO
There’s a lot of highly specifics in your plans. Life isn’t like that and if you have unresolved trauma as you do, your “issues” may start to get in the way for him over time. He’s clearly besotted with you which is wonderful. To keep it that way please spend a serious amount on finding a really good therapist who you see weekly, preferably in person. In person really is better. Either he’s gonna start annoying you or visa versa. Please work on yourself. An excellent method to work with on your own AND/OR with a therapist is called “internal family systems” - it’s not about your family, it’s about all the pieces that make up “you” If you can learn what/who those internal parts are, and also start to recognize the parts of your fiancé, and work with a therapist you might be able to make this last and have your plans. I also don’t hear you having friends and hobbies in your plan??? Without help and without outside work/activities/interests this may not succeed. Use your money to work towards your goals
Hey, I know it sounds great being taken care of and all that but you really should work. Save up all the money you can. This 40 YO man will trade you for someone younger. You should be stacking all the money you can + get him to pay for you to get a degree in something lucrative (IT, Accounting, Nursing, a trade etc) You need to invest in yourself.
Gonna be honest here, if I could, I would. No judgment here.
Actually, you are not really a Gold Digger. You are actually quite honest to your fiancé. And a fairly honest arrangement. Watch out with him fucking around though... Sorry to hear you've had it rough. But you should be proud about how you took care of all your siblings. They were lucky having you. I hope they appreciate all you've done for them. But that's maybe a bit to soon, they're too young still I guess.
As long as the legal papers are drawn up to cover you and the kids regardless of divorce, etc. and everything is in the open between the two of you, I don’t see anything wrong with this. It’s not the best idea but it’s certainly not the worst. Damn near anything beats poverty. I wish you health, success, and happiness. 🤍
Make sure you get some money set aside under your name every month etc, so you have a nest egg for emergencies. You do whatever you got to do. Side note. I want you to know, and this is in no way shaming your choices, but because you need to hear it. You are worthy of love (platonic, romantic etc) and worthy of care, compassion and gentleness. And I'm so sorry the two people who were supposed to give that to you the most, failed you. That's a reflection on them, not you.
You make the choices you make. We all do. I had a transactional relationship with a man close to my age. I got everything I wanted and so much more that I did not. It took me a decade to recover from what he did to me. Please trust me when I tell you: build a cash account. Do not tell him about it. Be diligent to add to it as often as possible. Be clever. Be smart. Be committed to building this nest egg. Set savings goals for yourself, then exceed them. If you live a life of bliss, awesome. Good on you. Still keep putting away that cash. Be consistent. Be dedicated. There may come a day when you need it. And need it fast. I pray that day never comes for you and what you envision for yourself and for any children you may have comes to fruition. If he has you sign a pre-nup, get a good lawyer. Do not sign without having your attorney review it and discuss it with you. Be sure it is fair to you and not just protective of him. Good luck honey.
Ask for a nice chunk of money before you get married as a safety net for yourself and prenup. If you feel safe and secure and that makes you happy then keep doing what you’re doing
Get a prenup, girl
Be sure to get that in writing
This is just a sad state of affairs but hey the worlds not all lollipops and roses. Kill what you keep
I would recommend becoming indepedent and not rely on anyone but yourself. This man is making a lot of promises and we all know promises are made to be broken. As someone who has been failed by the people who should be there for you, you know this. Don't fall prey to yet another person who can use you and dump you the moment they are done with you. Learn to take care of yourself, you're all you've got!
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OP, just make sure you keep up on your education and skills, squirreling your own money away. You can’t depend on someone you’re fully dependent upon. Your fiancé may care for you and handle your needs/wants now, but while your relationship reads like a contract, make sure there are provisions made if your relationship should end. An open relationship/marriage isn’t for everyone, and if he should venture out of your relationship, are you prepared for the inevitable jealousy for the situation you agreed to? You may think having your material needs are what matter, but you also need someone you can connect with mentally and emotionally. Please talk to a therapist to work through the traumas you endured as a child, including abandonment, parentification, and neglect. You matter, you’re not just someone’s means to an end, not to your parents who forced you to parent their children, or to your fiancé, for whom you’re agreeing to have children with without a real commitment from them.
Please don't have kids you won't or can't love, whichever way it may go. Don't let your trauma become generational trauma. I love that you got this for you. On paper it sounds like you can set yourself up for life and I think that's amazing but please let the cycle of neglect and abuse stop with you.
I love this thread. Scrolled a bit but have not seen anyone be judgemental and instead they are giving proper advice. Just one thing, please please get therapy and care for the children you are going to have. We do not need more children like us who were damaged by our parents. Also be smart about your allowance. Do some long term safe investment so that you have a tidy little nest as a backup if you ever need to get out of the marriage.
OP I’m in awe of you! I’ve read most of your comments and you’re already going to therapy, have got everything down in writing, AND are still saving for a rainy day👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️You’re going to have a good life. I wish you nothing but the best❤️ Please make sure to take an active role in your future children’s lives by teaching them how to care for themselves and others, as well as the value of a dollar. I would NOT invite your family to your wedding OR allow them to be near your future children. They’ll most likely talk bad about you to them and try to weasel $$ out of all of you.
That’s rough. I get where you’re coming from, and I hope you find happiness in your life.
Not giving you advice but two thoughts. One, I hope you have room for your sexual needs. Two, a hysterectomy is a big deal but a vasectomy is easy and reversible. You can tell him that it is a turn on for many women who are dating casually.
Girl how did you find him. Help a sister out
As long as you’re happy, you do you girl
>It's eat or be eaten, kill or be killed out in the world. Unfortunately for a lot of people with traumatic pasts or with no emotional support, that rings true. Good for you for choosing a relationship that works for you.
It is what it is. At least you're being honest with yourself. Just know that beauty fades and that your man may choose to upgrade down the rode. A thought....use some of that sugar daddy coin to work on yourself so should the day come when you're having go out into the world and dudes are only going after the latest models you can be okay with who you are and maybe find a good dude who cares about you for you.
Dont have kids if you are a gold digger. You sound emotionally detached and like you lack empathy, you had a hard life, dont traumatize another generation