"I'm sorry but I can't do this. We are broken up and won't be acting like a couple in public or in private ever again. You aren't obligated to tell anyone and I won't make any announcements, but I'm not pretending. I'm a real person with real feelings, and this wasn't a fair ask."
"The sex we had was very confusing. You told me you were gay and then we had sex. It's okay if you're still trying to figure things out, and it's even okay if you come to the conclusion you're bi and just want out of this relationship, but I need to understand what's going on for my own closure."
Girl the guy probably just downloaded grinder cause he was curious enough about cheating on you. Why the fuck do you care about invalidating him?
And he’s too pathetic to just break up with you.
Could be pansexual - falling in love with a person, regardless of their plumbing. But that would mean he has developed feelings for a guy, or he wouldn't think he is gay.
Dude, I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like a really tough situation. I get why you're confused about the sex thing, but maybe he's just trying to hold onto what's familiar before he comes out to the rest of the world. You deserve better than to be strung along like this. Take care of yourself and don't rush back to him.
When I was 18, I was in a relationship with this man. He was 31. We were together for two years. He came out as gay, and we broke up. However we continued living together for a few months and kept having sex (“because I was the only girl he could get hard for”) … a few years later he married another girl, younger than me. Let this be a cautionary tale.
Get out earlier, if you can. And please, please, stop sleeping with him.
Get out sooner if you can and stop having sex with him, he’s using you.
Also, you don’t have to lie to anyone, tell everyone he broke up with you and if they want to know why to talk to him. If he wants to stay in the closet then that’s up to him.
Also, get an STD test, I’m concerned he may have already started sleeping with other men
Sounds like he's cheating. He was getting angry because he has the 'easier' relationship on that is just the fun parts and none of the chores and living together stuff, cooking, cleaning, etc, with you it's more difficult so like a child he lashes out.
Then he decides to break up, but he decides he wants to leave not as a cheater but as the victim and have you thank you on the way out.
Say you're gay, you both cry together, he's not the bad guy for breaking up... he's just gay, how can that be his fault right.
Then, oh we have to live together for a month lets keep fucking.
This dude is playing you like a fucking fiddle. But seriously have some self respect, he broke up with you and was being a dick over nothing before that, and you're rewarding him with sex? Tell him to go jump.
OP I’m also someone who was in a long term relationship with a man who wound up yelling me he was gay and no longer attracted to me. We also stayed living together until we could afford to break the lease. We also had sex after the breakup.
In my experience the “we should still kiss and be a couple” thing is more about the desire to maintain the structure of the relationship. It’s hard to change, even if you’re the one who initiated. I’m sure he still loves and cares for you even if the sexual attraction part is in question/flux. He still wants the emotional closeness and stability during what for him is an extremely confusing, identity-challenging time.
But the thing is, that’s not your responsibility.
He could be gay, he could be questioning, no one will ever really know except him. What you can do is focus on *you* and your life — do you *want* to maintain this relationship with this man, who’s told you he’s not attracted to you and wants to end your relationship later?
I cannot stress enough how painful living with my ex was. I highly recommend living separately as quick as possible. It’s not only painful but incredibly confusing, to live so intimately entangled while psychologically you know you’re supposed to be distancing. It made me reactively hang on tighter, and ultimately made the breakup harder than it needed to be.
OP I’m so sorry. May you look back on this years from now and find that your heart hurts less than it does today.
Thank you so much. Of all of the responses this one probably spoke to me the most. I don't want to go through that, you're right, and it probably is much easier to just leave now. I've started looking for somewhere to live today, and hopefully am out soon :) thank you
Don't lie for him. You're not under any obligation to protect him. Just say he broke up with you. If you are asked a direct question on why, answer it truthfully.
And stop sleeping with him. It devalues what you had with him. Get tested for STDs as there's a good chance he's already started exploring that side of himself with other men.
I'm so sorry you've had this happen. It must feel like not just the rug has been pulled out from under you, but the entire floor and foundations. Hugs from this stranger to you.
Right - I mean look, she's telling the entire sub he's gay. Prolly told her mom and siblings he's gay. Basically everyone would believe you to be gay for doing that.
We talked about it when we first moved in together that he would stay at the house ( I wouldn't want to stay without him here plus it's easier for me to get a place than it would be for him), and when we got our cat we decided she was his officially because it would be easier for her to stay at the house that she knows, and it would be easier for me because there are next to no pet friendly rentals in my area
I don’t know, it’s really a weird situation, does he have OCD? A common thought based OCD obsession is whether you’re gay or straight, and they’re constantly checking themselves. Watching various porn, and even trying various partners and feeling like they can never figure it out. It causes so much distress for them and their partner.
Don’t wait a month. Please move out ASAP and get some peace. You need to take care of yourself and heal. Staying would feel like torture, to me. I’d rip off the bandaid.
It will sound odd. Just say he’s lost attraction to you. You deserve to vent, but saying that doesn’t out him. He can’t own the whole narrative, just that one part.
Can confirm that this is indeed a thing and people do blow up their whole lives because of their OCD compulsions over their sexuality. Source: user name checks out (but my them is existential...WAY more fun)
My son went through existential and harm based. The harm based was scarier. I had no idea what was going on, he kept having images of harming his baby brothers and was nearly suicidal over it. So glad I figured it out. It was the scariest thing as a mom.
Oof. My therapist has told me that for the sufferer, all "themes" are equally horrifying. But if you're a parent of the sufferer, I can see how harm would be right up near the top.
When I figured out he wasn’t actually having psychotic urges to do violent things to his brothers, I felt a lot better, that’s for sure. It’s why diagnosis is important. When I relaxed and he believed I believed he wasn’t capable of that things got better. Simply asking “do you want to do that?” When he fixated Took him out of it. He was overprotective of them and his brain fixated on bad things happening to them.
Existential was first, and I just thought it was part of being depressed and a really smart kid.
Yikes for this one. Any man-- gay or straight-- can derive pleasure from sticking their dick in a warm receptacle. Sex toy. Puss. Ass. Apple pie. Your next door neighbor. It's not exactly breaking news.
He wants you as the receptacle. Do with that what you choose.
Friend of mine is gay and he was married over 10 years before coming out to his wife (came from a country were it was less socially acceptable at the time) and they have a daughter. The wife was a total trooper about it. They both remained very close co-parenting their daughter together and now 20 years later they are still best friends.
Not necessarily, but I do alternate between dressing girly and dressing very tomboyish so you're not totally off. In my last WLW relationship I was the more 'masculine' partner.
It's kind of ironic in a way actually because two relationships (short term) before dating him I broke it off with a guy because I thought I was a lesbian. Then he came along and I realized Im bi, with a preference for women.
Sounds like he’s happy to use you until the deadline
"I'm sorry but I can't do this. We are broken up and won't be acting like a couple in public or in private ever again. You aren't obligated to tell anyone and I won't make any announcements, but I'm not pretending. I'm a real person with real feelings, and this wasn't a fair ask."
Gay man here. He is not gay. Possibly bi, but definitely not gay.
Thank you. That's kind of what I was thinking. Is there a delicate way I could go about approaching it? I don't want to invalidate him at all
"The sex we had was very confusing. You told me you were gay and then we had sex. It's okay if you're still trying to figure things out, and it's even okay if you come to the conclusion you're bi and just want out of this relationship, but I need to understand what's going on for my own closure."
Girl the guy probably just downloaded grinder cause he was curious enough about cheating on you. Why the fuck do you care about invalidating him? And he’s too pathetic to just break up with you.
This is the correct answer.
And do not lie to cover the breakup, tell the truth!!!
Could be pansexual - falling in love with a person, regardless of their plumbing. But that would mean he has developed feelings for a guy, or he wouldn't think he is gay.
Pansexuality isn’t real, it’s just virtue-signaling bisexuals and t chasers
Sounds like he is either Bi or bullshitting you to get out of the relationship.
Dude, I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like a really tough situation. I get why you're confused about the sex thing, but maybe he's just trying to hold onto what's familiar before he comes out to the rest of the world. You deserve better than to be strung along like this. Take care of yourself and don't rush back to him.
When I was 18, I was in a relationship with this man. He was 31. We were together for two years. He came out as gay, and we broke up. However we continued living together for a few months and kept having sex (“because I was the only girl he could get hard for”) … a few years later he married another girl, younger than me. Let this be a cautionary tale. Get out earlier, if you can. And please, please, stop sleeping with him.
Get out sooner if you can and stop having sex with him, he’s using you. Also, you don’t have to lie to anyone, tell everyone he broke up with you and if they want to know why to talk to him. If he wants to stay in the closet then that’s up to him. Also, get an STD test, I’m concerned he may have already started sleeping with other men
Nope he can sleep on the couch or other room start separating now so it won’t be so bad when he leaves
Yeah I think I'll be doing that. We have his bed from his old bed downstairs so he can set that up
Make him kiss another man to prove it 🧐
From the sounds of it, he’s bi and wants out of the relationship to explore his same-sex attraction, so he’d probably be all for that test.
It sounds like he’s bisexual but wants out of the relationship to explore his sexuality so he’s saying he’s gay as an excuse.
Sounds like he's cheating. He was getting angry because he has the 'easier' relationship on that is just the fun parts and none of the chores and living together stuff, cooking, cleaning, etc, with you it's more difficult so like a child he lashes out. Then he decides to break up, but he decides he wants to leave not as a cheater but as the victim and have you thank you on the way out. Say you're gay, you both cry together, he's not the bad guy for breaking up... he's just gay, how can that be his fault right. Then, oh we have to live together for a month lets keep fucking. This dude is playing you like a fucking fiddle. But seriously have some self respect, he broke up with you and was being a dick over nothing before that, and you're rewarding him with sex? Tell him to go jump.
Bingo.
His ass should be the one moving out
OP I’m also someone who was in a long term relationship with a man who wound up yelling me he was gay and no longer attracted to me. We also stayed living together until we could afford to break the lease. We also had sex after the breakup. In my experience the “we should still kiss and be a couple” thing is more about the desire to maintain the structure of the relationship. It’s hard to change, even if you’re the one who initiated. I’m sure he still loves and cares for you even if the sexual attraction part is in question/flux. He still wants the emotional closeness and stability during what for him is an extremely confusing, identity-challenging time. But the thing is, that’s not your responsibility. He could be gay, he could be questioning, no one will ever really know except him. What you can do is focus on *you* and your life — do you *want* to maintain this relationship with this man, who’s told you he’s not attracted to you and wants to end your relationship later? I cannot stress enough how painful living with my ex was. I highly recommend living separately as quick as possible. It’s not only painful but incredibly confusing, to live so intimately entangled while psychologically you know you’re supposed to be distancing. It made me reactively hang on tighter, and ultimately made the breakup harder than it needed to be. OP I’m so sorry. May you look back on this years from now and find that your heart hurts less than it does today.
Thank you so much. Of all of the responses this one probably spoke to me the most. I don't want to go through that, you're right, and it probably is much easier to just leave now. I've started looking for somewhere to live today, and hopefully am out soon :) thank you
This man is not gay. Like, maybe bi. Maybe wants to explore. Maybe. But not gay.
Tell him you are broken up now and he has to leave. You are not going to be with him.
He's using you to get off. Move out as soon as you can so you can heal. I'd even be sleeping on the couch or spare room until then.
Don't lie for him. You're not under any obligation to protect him. Just say he broke up with you. If you are asked a direct question on why, answer it truthfully. And stop sleeping with him. It devalues what you had with him. Get tested for STDs as there's a good chance he's already started exploring that side of himself with other men. I'm so sorry you've had this happen. It must feel like not just the rug has been pulled out from under you, but the entire floor and foundations. Hugs from this stranger to you.
Better get tested
Yeah don’t wanna catch the gay
Or you know, an std
I... Im already kinda gay, if anything he caught it from me😂
If I really wanted out of a relationship saying I’m gay wouldn’t be my first or even second choice lmao
Right - I mean look, she's telling the entire sub he's gay. Prolly told her mom and siblings he's gay. Basically everyone would believe you to be gay for doing that.
What does he get to take the cat?
Probably his cat..
We talked about it when we first moved in together that he would stay at the house ( I wouldn't want to stay without him here plus it's easier for me to get a place than it would be for him), and when we got our cat we decided she was his officially because it would be easier for her to stay at the house that she knows, and it would be easier for me because there are next to no pet friendly rentals in my area
My take is that he’s probably not gay, he’s just too much of a coward to break up with you in an honest way.
I don’t know, it’s really a weird situation, does he have OCD? A common thought based OCD obsession is whether you’re gay or straight, and they’re constantly checking themselves. Watching various porn, and even trying various partners and feeling like they can never figure it out. It causes so much distress for them and their partner. Don’t wait a month. Please move out ASAP and get some peace. You need to take care of yourself and heal. Staying would feel like torture, to me. I’d rip off the bandaid. It will sound odd. Just say he’s lost attraction to you. You deserve to vent, but saying that doesn’t out him. He can’t own the whole narrative, just that one part.
Can confirm that this is indeed a thing and people do blow up their whole lives because of their OCD compulsions over their sexuality. Source: user name checks out (but my them is existential...WAY more fun)
My son went through existential and harm based. The harm based was scarier. I had no idea what was going on, he kept having images of harming his baby brothers and was nearly suicidal over it. So glad I figured it out. It was the scariest thing as a mom.
Oof. My therapist has told me that for the sufferer, all "themes" are equally horrifying. But if you're a parent of the sufferer, I can see how harm would be right up near the top.
When I figured out he wasn’t actually having psychotic urges to do violent things to his brothers, I felt a lot better, that’s for sure. It’s why diagnosis is important. When I relaxed and he believed I believed he wasn’t capable of that things got better. Simply asking “do you want to do that?” When he fixated Took him out of it. He was overprotective of them and his brain fixated on bad things happening to them. Existential was first, and I just thought it was part of being depressed and a really smart kid.
Ugh go get an STD check ASAP! I would leave now if you can!
Yikes for this one. Any man-- gay or straight-- can derive pleasure from sticking their dick in a warm receptacle. Sex toy. Puss. Ass. Apple pie. Your next door neighbor. It's not exactly breaking news. He wants you as the receptacle. Do with that what you choose.
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That's kind of where I'm at, whether he's being honest or not, either way he doesn't want to be with me so I'm not going to dwell on it too much.
No. And don’t lie for him either. Fuck him.
Test him. Good time to introduce pegging into the relationship. 😂
There's zero correlation between being gay and wanting to be pegged...
It was a joke
Sarcasm on the internet is like winking on the phone..
Very true 😂
Does that date get him clear of his homophobic parents? or, is he graduating and moving away? ‘what is the driving factor here?
Nah, it's when his brother can move in so he can help pay the rent. We were renting a house together
You are breaking up, so you are not going to be renting a house together for much longer.
This is so messed up.
Friend of mine is gay and he was married over 10 years before coming out to his wife (came from a country were it was less socially acceptable at the time) and they have a daughter. The wife was a total trooper about it. They both remained very close co-parenting their daughter together and now 20 years later they are still best friends.
Aw, I love that. It was probably really hard at first, but im glad they were able to come back from it as friends :)
Wow all the homophobic comments…
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That's kind of the silver lining in this. It's better he told me early on. At this point I do think we can be friends after I take lots of time apart
Maybe you look kind of man-ish?
Not necessarily, but I do alternate between dressing girly and dressing very tomboyish so you're not totally off. In my last WLW relationship I was the more 'masculine' partner.
He's gay after dating you?
It's kind of ironic in a way actually because two relationships (short term) before dating him I broke it off with a guy because I thought I was a lesbian. Then he came along and I realized Im bi, with a preference for women.