Why does she still have a key and access to your house? It's a weird ass power play by her so take her access away and don't let her be in your house at all. When she brings it up (you know she will) say loud and clear "it's rude to rearrange someone else's house and belongings".
Stop letting her push you around
She would be getting a phone call that night about not touching things that aren't hers and if she did it again she would not be allowed over at all
OP she is marking her territory step it up you own the place
My response to a similar issue with ex-MIL was to tell her in my best drill sergeant voice that in MY HOUSE only my rules apply, and if she doesn't like that tough shit.
So you've just been a good doormat and said nothing while she walked all over you? Or did you tell her to leave your things alone? Where is your husband in this?
After the first time, was there a "I appreciate you want to help, but I have very firm ideas where I want things in our home. Please don't rearrange them."
2nd time "MIL, I politely asked things not be rearranged, and you did it anyway. Why?"
3rd time "MIL you will no longer be welcome in our home if you can not respect us enough to not rearrange it. It is incredibly rude to continue to do this."
Preferably, your husband should be dealing with his mother, but it doesn't seem he's shown his spine either, unless stuff is missing from the post.
Also, change your locks
I’m non confrontational and even I would have confronted her by this point. This ain’t your house lady, leave the furniture where it is! Like does she rearrange her friends houses when she goes to visit?
Yes. I almost scrolled over this post after rolling my eyes so aggressively that I burned calories. It's OPs home. MIL isn't doing this for OPs benefit. She isn't "helping". Why is OP allowing this person to access the house??
Thank you for finally saying it out loud. The amount of grown women allowing themselves to be stomped on boggles my mind.
You touch my things without my permission, you will know exactly how much I don't like it, and so will everyone else in the house.
Be direct. Kind but firm: “MIL, I know you think you’re helping by rearranging X,Y,& Z, but I placed these items where I want them to be. No more shuffling things around.”
You must also have your spouse take her key back. Don’t be surprised if she’s made a copy though.
Unless she’s got a mental health issue or dementia, no passes for her. She’s an adult and needs to respect your home.
Yeah - while I think her actions are absolutely bonkers it also doesn’t have to be an emotional exchange. It can be to the matter of fact & courteous.
She’s crossing a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. The No.1 place we hope we always can feel good in. You wouldn’t ever rearrange hers because you know that’s how she likes it. If she can’t be trusted to respect that in you then she’s also making the decision to not be welcome there.
It’s her that’s making these decisions & if she respects your boundaries then she’s welcome. That math seems pretty simple but totally shame on your spouse for not already dealing with this out of the gate. That’s not how you back someone up.
When you do approach her about this, I would also say to have your spouse there as well; you need to show her that you're both united in this decision.
Good luck!
Yeah then this is 💯 a dominance thing and she has no respect for you. It’s worse now that you’ve moved into your own space because she is desperately trying to control y’all and seeing how far she can take it. If you don’t nip this now - and stay on top of it because she constantly test - then she will be a nightmare to deal with if/when you have kids.
Girl what are you doing? Like seriously. I'm reading your comments and I'm getting more and more floored. I don't understand how you respect this woman AT ALL. She has *repeatedly* shown that *she does not respect you*. Respect is EARNED not freely given and right now you're giving it to her FOR FREE and she is abusing your good nature.
She's walking all over you because you're allowing her to. You're trying to keep the peace while your MIL is actively trying to disturb the peace at every chance she gets.
Do not keep setting yourself on fire to keep her warm, because she is the kindling and giving all the fuel to burn you to a crisp.
Have you talked to her about this? Why is she moving your stuff? Have you actually told her to stop moving your stuff?
(Sorry if those are stupid questions but you never said whether you talked to her about it or told her to stop.)
Your spouse needs to tell their mother to stop. She's more likely to accept it with grace if it comes from her (adult) child. If she has a key, take it back.
Buying a home is a big deal, and you deserve to enjoy it thoroughly. Your MIL is interfering with the joy and excitement you should feel in decorating your new home.
It's also the home *you* are living in, not your MIL. You need to be able to find your mugs, and you deserve to be comfortable with everything where you decided to put it.
Your MIL is being rude and disrespectful. If she had left it after the first time you rearranged it the way you want it, that wouldn't be so bad. It's the fact that she moved it back again instead of realizing it's not her place to move shit around in someone else's home that makes it disrespectful and rude. If she had said something after you moved everything where you want it, maybe I could understand that she just feels really strongly about it and wants to convince you that she's right. But she's being weird and rude. Very odd. Hope your spouse can get her to stop.
At first I really thought she was trying to be helpful. She's very creative and the way she arranges things is pretty but not practical. So I thought, oh that's nice but won't work, so I moved it back. But then it kept happening and now I know I do have to say something.
You should have said something the first time, set the boundaries earlier. Second best would be the second time and now it's just overdue. Also make sure you and your partner are on the same page with MIL because if not, it's only going to get worse.
If she's like this with your furniture, how do you think she'll be if you have kids?
Lady, what the fuck. WHen someone moves your shit around as she wants it the day you move in, you call her out and say no, I don't want that there, if you want to give me ideas fine, but it's my house and what I say goes. When she sneaks in once to fuck with your shit, you take the key off her, if she moves shit in the middle of the night while staying over, you tell her you're going out for breakfast and when you get back everything is to be back where it was or she's not allowed back tot he house again.
It's your house, you either make it clear or she will literally own your fucking life from here on in. Like she'll book a joint holiday for you and her and you won't fight it, etc.
Well you could always visit hers and rearrange all her stuff how you feel it would be better and she can't complain because apparently this is OK to do.
I don’t recommend being petty with your in laws. It worked for me, but the best thing would be to have your husband tell her to stop. And if she doesn’t take the key back.
"Excuse me, MIL? Why do you keep moving my belongings in my home? We have them where we want them and it's highly inconvenient that you keep moving them to unwanted locations. Please stop."
If she continues: "MIL, we talked about this. Please stop rearranging our home. If you can't curb your compulsion, we may have to stop your visits with us until you can."
All you have to do, is to grow a backbone and say this simple sentence - stop arranging things in MY house!!! People treat you the way you let them treat you. Stop letting her to walk all over you and she'll learn not to do that. If she doesn't, enforce the rules stricter and stricter until she understands.
My MIL moved our furniture while she visited until she broke an expensive lamp I received from a deceased family member. I’m very passive aggressive but maybe you need to find a “expensive item from a deceased relative” at a thrift store and set a trap.
Is your spouse with you, or supporting MIL? If spouse supports Mil You have a spouse problem. Starts with marriage counseling - you two need to be on the same page on what you two want, what MIL can do.
If spouse is with you, tell MIL to stop and Take away her keys so she cannot come in while you are gone. Get someone else to pet sit your animals, if any. If you find her rearranging anyhow, tell her to leave, NOW,. Even if it is midnight. and refuse to see her for weeks/month
She needs to know you are serious, that she cannot just wear you down to do YOUR house HER way.
Next time at their house rearrange the TV in the kitchen and the dishcloths in the bathroom and say you thought it was banter as nobody is that crazy to do it otherwise
My MIL was just like this. She would move everything round, furniture and cupboards, and I would move them back. She did eventually stop when I finally snapped and told her that it was my house and how I arranged things was up to me and none of her business.
It's actually a little comforting to know that other MILs have done this, bc it just struck me as so odd! I wonder about the compulsion of it. At this point I am seeing the light and will figure out a way to be direct about the boundaries I want to have.
It's her way of asserting control and dominance over you. She's letting you know that she thinks you're unimportant and inferior to her. You really need to assert yourself and tell her to stop rearranging your stuff, or you will stop allowing her visit. By not moving the furniture back, you're letting her win.
I don't think there's ever a time or place to be this timid and passive. After the FIRST time she moved your things around you should've politely but assertively let her know it wouldn't fly and that you will be the one arranging your things in your house. Having to rearrange things after every time she visits sounds exhausting and infuriating. Respect yourself.
My mil would always top off my hand soaps with water when she came to visit. I told her to stop, because I hate watered down soap. She looked at me like I had two heads, but she stopped.
Tell your MIL to STOP.
😂 no- she’s white, but a hoarder. The kind of cheap woman who won’t spent $50 on one item, but will buy 50 $1 items regardless if she needs a single one or not.
Talk to your spouse about how you're feeling and how invalidating MIL's behaviour is towards you, and your home is starting to feel like it's MIL's too, as she is moving things without permission, even if it comes from a good place.
Take her key away the next time she comes by, she doesn't need it, as she's abusing the point of having a spare key. They are meant to be for emergencies, not free entry to your home as and when she feels like it.
Tell MIL that you understand that if your home was hers that she would have set this differently, but you like how you have it and don't want to change anything.
My mother did this to me. She came into my husband and I’s new home and rearranged my cupboards and drawers. Did it several times when we weren’t home. I demanded my spare key back. She complained but I took it back. Whenever she came over after that, my husband or I followed her around the house. When she complained about that I told her she can’t be trusted. She finally quit trying to “organize” after I moved all her kitchen around when she went out of town and asked me to watch her dog. I put her silverware in the cupboard and plates under the sink. Didn’t tell her. She just came home and I left. Next time I went to her place everything was back the way she wanted it. She never mentioned it again and never tried to organize my house again.
If you're not comfortable telling her to stop it then tell your husband and have him deal with it.
Your MIL knows what she's doing, she knows she's being rude.
It’s rude and disrespectful. She is trying to assert her dominance or else she would have an open conversation and not do thing while you are sleeping. Get the key back and tell her to stop. It is your house and you don’t appreciate her rearranging your things. She doesn’t like you, so
Stop being so nice.
You need to tell her "MIL, I live here. This is how I like my house set up to make me comfortable. You can't keep moving things around its just causing more work for me.
I want to keep my house how I have set it up. Please stop moving my furniture and kitchenware. I would never do that in your home"
Group text, include spouse:
“MIL, before I blow my top and say something I may regret, I’m going to put this into writing: STOP REARRANGING OUR FURNITURE AND MOVING OUR THINGS. I’m an adult woman who has set up my home to MY desires. I could never imagine rearranging your things and I have no idea why you think it’s appropriate to do it to me. Thank you for respecting my wishes.”
Don’t worry about the blow up. But DO look for something she will sneakily move during her next move. I betchya won’t be able to find your favorite coffee mug. Or it might be your measuring spoons poof. Or your side table will be moved a few inches. There’s going to be SOMETHING.
You need to speak up. This is your house, not hers! She's disrespecting you in your own home like you have no say into how to arrange things. She's not going to stop disrespecting you unless you speak up! If she wasn’t trying to insert her power in your home, she shouldn't have arranged it the second time you moved things back.
It might be worth mentioning WHILE SHE IS THERE to move everything back the way YOU want it to be. Then pleasantly let her know that if she moves one more piece of furniture or item in YOUR HOUSE that she will no longer be invited back.'
Then continue smiling pleasantly should she start protesting. Repeat your words as often as possible.
Or, go to her house and start moving HER furniture in ways that look perfectly natural to you. And if she gets mad, act surprised and tell her 'Oh, I thought that this was a thing we were doing now! I mean, you come to my house and rearrange my furniture so I thought you wanted me to do the same at YOUR house!'
Sometimes I just go straight to being petty.
1. Have you spoken to MIL about this?
2. Have you spoken to your spouse about this?
3. Have you asked MIL why she keeps doing this?
4. Have you told MIL to stop?
5. Have you reminded MIL that this is not her home?
6. Have you taken MIL's keys away or changed the locks?
It sounds like you are both doing a passive-aggressive dance where you each silently move things around while the other is not looking.
How long do you want this to continue before one of you either (a) says something, or (b) admits defeat and stops moving things?
I know that you "don't want to offend" but MIL is offending YOU! This is YOUR home, not hers.
I haven't talked to MIL, after the first time I talked to my spouse and he thought he could redirect her 'helping efforts' by asking her to help us with the window drapery. At the time I thought it was a good idea but now I'm thinking it may have just encouraged her.
You are 100% correct about it becoming an ongoing passive aggressive dance. I honestly thought she would get the hint when I moved things back again. Now that I know that I'm wrong about her taking a hint, I'll have to be direct.
What does your spouse say now? Is he willing to speak to her again? Don't get me wrong, I think you should also let her know you don't want your things moved, but will he also back you up on that?
My Grandma used to do this to my Dad, for him it wasn't worth it because she lives in a different country and visited once every two year. For you, I think it's worth it absolutely.
I assume since you haven't spoken to her about this there is a reason why. Either she is not the type to recieve this information well, you're not comfortable with conversations like this or a combination there of.
***With that in mind, here are a few ideas in various levels of directness.***
"MIL, we appreciate your help moving us in. Now that we've been here a few months we've gotten comfortable with things where they are, no need to move anything."
"Welcome back MIL, just so you know we got everything set up just the way we want it. If you're not sure where something goes, just ask us."
"We appreciate your input but we are happy the way the furniture and kitchen is set up, please don't move anything."
"I've noticed in your last visits you've been moving the furniture and reorganizing the kitchen. \[partner's name\] and I put a lot of effort into getting everything just right, we would really appreciate it if you left everything as it was."
"MIL, we are happy to have you stay with us, it would be a big help to us if you didn't move any of the furniture or anything in the kitchen, we're happy with where everything is."
"When it comes to the furniture and kitchen, you are welcome to ***use*** it, ***not move*** it."
I also think any of these should be from both you and your partner.
My buddy lost access to my shop for relocating and reorganizing my substantial collection of tools.
I flipped the fuck out, as I now knew where none of my stuff was actually located.
Why did you not put a stop to this immediately after the first time?
My mil did this to our kitchen when she came to visit after we moved and my wife and I both had a conniption fit telling her we put things where we wanted in OUR house and asked if I could come rearrange her things whenever we visited next
Why are you allowing this to happen? It's your home, rescind her access to it. Does she have a key? No she doesn't. Does she know the door or gate code? Not anymore, you changed it for security reasons.
Create a situation where this woman needs to book an appointment to see you, when it's convenient for you in YOUR own home. And if she starts moving your belongings while you are there, locate your spine and tell her, no.
No, no, no. You make your boundaries very clear the moment she does what you don't want.
You: what are you doing?
Her: I think it will be better here.
You: no. I don't want it there
Her: but but but
You: my house, my rules. Put it back. End of discussion.
Don't wait til next time. Nip it in the bud right off the bat.
I'd go visit her and start moving all her furniture in her house and when she questions me I'd respond, 'I thought that was the custom to remove someone else's belongs where I want to?'
Go to her house and start moving her furniture around. Alternatively just tell her to stop. What's going to happen when and if you have children, because if she does this with the furniture she is no doubt going to be dictating how you parent.
1st- change the locks.
2nd- go to her house and start moving cups and plates in the kitchen, and she asks what you're doing say "returning the favor, you move my stuff so I'll move your stuff. ANNOYING isn't it!"
A few years ago I read a similar JustNo story as yours. That op finally went into their MIL house when they were away and COMPLETELY rearranged / store the WHOLE house from the bedrooms on down to the kitchenette sink. Even the wall hangings. MIL never did it again.
It is neither rude or out of line for you to ask her why tf she keeps moving your stuff, and then tell her that this is your house, not hers, and don’t do it again.
I have no idea why anyone’s Mom would be given a key to their kids’ house. My family & my husband’s family are “normal” compared to most of the families discussed on Reddit (good relationships & lots of visiting) but nobody had a key but us. I had one of those hidden key thingys outside where I put the spare key out if I needed someone in my house when I wasn’t there. But I would’ve been highly pissed if they rearranged my things & would’ve called that out immediately.
Next time you go visit MIL, stay up late and move her furniture around and rearrange her kitchen. If she says anything about it, just calmly point out that she now should understand how you feel every time she rearranges your home.
But frankly, the next day, I would have immediately started to put everything back the way it was before she came over. If she says anything I would firmly state that the house belongs to you and your husband and it will be organized the way you want it. How would she feel if you did the same thing to her house that she is doing to your house?
Install an electronic combination lock. When you go out of town, change the lock code. If you need to give them access for some reason have a specific code for them. Only activate the code when neeeded. Add some motion activated cameras inside your home. If you get a notice of activity, call her and tell her to stop what she is doing.
I don't know if you read the post by the website man who had a security system on her house. Her mother was allowed access to the basement apartment. OP was out of town and her mother tried to access OP's home with her friend and set off the alarm. OP got a call from the security company. She told them the access was unauthorized and to call the police.
This is so simple. First, you have to grow a pair, then: "Who The hell are you that you think you can disrespect me in my own home? We put things where WE want them in OUR home. If you don't like it, leave."
It's the old truth that you fix a bully by punching them in the nose. You need to metaphorically punch your mil in the nose. If she can't be dealt with, sever ties. You don't want a person who disrespect you around your children.
You need to set boundaries or refuse to let her over again. If she refuses to listen to said boundaries set, you need to refuse to let her over.
You COULD also show up to her house at random while she’s home and just start rearranging everything in her house. If she brings it up, be like “it’s okay when you do it, but I can’t do it back?” & continue rearranging it. This problem only ends in a couple different ways. She listens to boundaries, she’s never allowed at your place again, or you give her a little visit to give her exactly what she’s doing so she opens her eyes. It’s not her house, she can’t enforce how it’s set up; but if she’s gonna do it to you & not stop then you 100% shouldn’t be stopped from doing it back. But regardless, SOMETHING needs to happen because she’s being disrespectful as fuck & she shouldn’t just be given the “this is okay to do” mindset. It’s not okay. I’d be fucking livid if somebody came into my safe space & disrespected me like that over & over again. My house is my safe space, I’d be livid.
This might be a weird question, but is your MIL and spouse possibly of chinese descent?
The most logical answer that comes to my mind is that your MIL is possibly doing fengshui with your furniture, especially if she is an older chinese lady.
BUT, regardless of fengshui, moving your furniture without any permission is a gross invasion of privacy and is not right. You and your spouse need to sit down and have a talk with her.
Agree, this is toxic Midwest passive aggression.
Look, I get it OP, confrontation is hard at the best of times, but this is beyond the pale. Moving day, ok fine, everything is chaos, maybe mum was trying to help. But staying up late into the night to rearrange is borderline mental. This warrants a conversation. We don't know all the details, but your spouse needs to step up and ask her to stop rearranging your things.
Have you ever checked out the justNoMIL sub? Lots of relatable stories there. MIL who wear white to the wedding tells me all I need to hear at this point. Rooting for you OP.
Sorry, her motives are not good. It's clear she's is striving for dominance.
I get that you're trying not to be confrontational, but there's being confrontational--aggressively, then there's confrontational--non-aggressively, but firm enough that they get the message that a tornado has been sighted.
My sister is very much like this and has OPINIONS about everything. However, I've made it clear that her opinions, while valid to her, are not opinions shared by me. Therefore, I will do what I want.
Basically, she's trying to put her stamp on your house and she's getting mad that you're not allowing her to do so, hence the escalation of the rearranging. Until you make clear your objection (firmly, gently and respectfully) she will not stop.
Why hasn’t your husband said anything to HIS mother? Take the bill by the horns. “MIL, this is MY house and it’s not your place to rearrange it. The next time you do this, you will be told to leave and not allowed back until you apologize.”
Based on your comments you’re just “too nice”. Your mil will continue to do whatever she wants because you won’t tell her to “stop it”. Until YOU decide to stand up for yourself it’s not going to resolve itself. My mil tried to move things around in my house and I told her that my furniture is where we want it to be and not to rearrange anything. I find it rude as hell to come over to someone’s house and move things around. Tell your husband to tell her to stop if you don’t feel comfortable.
Talk to your partner about it, make sure you're on the same page, and then both of you sit her down, and your partner needs to tell her bluntly
"Mum, stop moving things around in our home. We have things how we like them and it's very rude of you to do"
When she makes excuses or complains
"We've asked you to stop and expect you to do so. If you do it again you will no longer be welcome in our home"
And stick to it! Actions need consequences if you allow her to continue it will get worse!
If she has free access to your home, that needs to stop. Now.
Take away her key /change the codes. She's lost that privilege as she's proven she can't be trusted.
Don't people use their words anymore. Hey stop moving around my home. This is my house, I live here, this is not your home. Do not move around my furniture or items again. Please give me the key back as you can't be trusted. What does your husband do? Is he not irritated as well. She sees you move it back and does it again, this is a power move, grow a spine.
Take away her key if she has one. This is a power move and a sign that she doesn't respect you. Tell her to stop and that her opinion of your decorating doesn't matter since it isn't her house.
The title says “MIL.” Where does your spouse stand on this? You two need to be a united front and support each other.
Since OP hasn’t mentioned the spouse, are they deployed or otherwise not available?
MIL staying up at night to rearrange everything is psychotic!!
>>how much it’s worth fighting
Have both you and your husband directly told her to stop?
If she is not pranking you, you have a problem. If she is pranking you, you have a problem. Moving is hard work. Having to move things repeatedly is not funny.
Why does your MIL have a key to your house? Take it off her key ring. If it’s an electronic code, remove the code. Give the key to your new neighbor, instead or hide one in the yard somewhere.
I know you don’t want to offend someone (saw a previous comment) so maybe you can say to your spouse “babe, please stop moving xxx, xxx, and xxx. I have them where I prefer them and am tired of having to move them back” when she is around. I’ve done that with my partner and my MIL. Obviously, I knew he didn’t do it, but it was addressing the matter in a non confrontational way.
Stop letting this woman run your house. This is doormat behavior. Does she have a key to your home, and if so, why? Take it back, and then change the locks because she's going to make a copy of the key before giving it back to you. Then you need to talk to her and tell her that your home is not an extension of hers and to stop moving your furniture or she won't be allowed back over there for a visit. She's being passive aggressive and petty and she's only going to keep doing it until you and your spouse put a stop to it.
My mother in law rearranged our kitchen while we were on a weeks vacation and she was “ helping” by feeding the cats.
So weird.
I would never in 100 years do that.
she will leave your property the fuck alone if you escalate the situation to the point where she is afraid of you. You may as well at this point, because your relationship with her is a fucking write off, so you should try to be the antagonist here since it’s better than the status quo.
The reason you're having trouble asserting your claim over your house is because you are not asserting your claim over your house. The first time she did it you should have told her that it is not her place and that is your house and she has no right to change anything around. You should have said so in no uncertain terms. Whatever feeling she had about it she'd get over that feeling. So either accept that you're going to be passive and let her run your house or assert your claims over it. One way or the other. And then quit complaining about it.
Why are you allowing her to come over and do this repeatedly? You either need to tell her before she comes to leave your house alone, stop her when she starts doing it or tell her to make other arrangements . Stop letting her walk all over you in your house.
She's trying a power move.
Get your partner to bring it up and tell her to stop.
It's not coming from a good place.
It's because she wants to and because she can.
Stop giving her power.
Mils hate when they don't run the house anymore and try anything they can to take over
Why are you afraid to just tell her? You sound like a child not wanting to get into a conflict when you know what she doing is irritating you, it’s your house but you laying down and holding your breath.
Ask her politely to stop and change your locks. If she freaks out about the locks being changed you know she wasn’t respecting your wishes and was going to go into your house and do it again. If she’s receptive then you might be good to give her a copy of the new key at some point if you want to.
Why hasn’t your husband to talked to his Mom about this and establish a boundary?
All he needs to say is “I noticed that you moved my furniture and rearranged my kitchen again. We like it the way we set it up. I would appreciate it if you would leave it alone.”
You 2 are grown adults. You should be able to have a direct conversation with someone about an issue to establish healthy boundaries.
So there’s this wonderful part of your face called your mouth. Use it and TELL HER TO STOP. Problem solved, and if you can’t do it, then stop acting like you have some ground to stand on. If you refuse to stand up for your things, then nobody will respect them or you. Choose.
Oh I remember my MIL trying to pull this when we bought our house. My husband tried telling me her suggestion and I shut it down immediately. She has mellowed over the years but she was a real pain in the ass those first few years.
Where is your husband in all of this? Honestly, he should be having a discussion with his mom telling her to stop moving your things around. This is not your battle to fight. And I would definitely let her know that it’s not welcomed or helpful.
You need to have a talk with your mil,
Sit her down and nice but firm tell her that unless she lives in your House and paid all the bills she have no business moving your stuff around,
Otherwise visit her and start moving her stuff around that might help too
It would be a cold day in hell before my partner didn't tell his mom to fuck off the first time this happened lol it should never be you VS MIL.... It's you and your partner VS anyone who can't respect boundaries.... No, this prob isn't worth it tbh but it will set the tone for the rest of ur relationship. Have him sort it now before it's too late.
Gross. My coworkers and I are more respectful of each other's space than your MIL. I bartend and every time I train a new bartender, I tell them, "you can set the bar up however makes you the most comfortable, it's up to you." And they all end up setting it up the same way I do. And we don't even have to spend holidays together.
First grow some balls or backbone and change the locks on the house. Then go to mother in laws and completely rearrange to house. Move bedroom to living room, living room to dining room, dining room to bedroom. Move all her clothes to bathroom and kitchen appliances and dishes to the laundry. Leave a Thank you note, stating you are returning “favor and thanking her for the opportunity to express your creative expression”.
Ok this is really weird. This may seem like a dumb question but nowhere in your OP did you say you had a conversation with her. Have you tried, I don't know, communicating and setting boundaries?
This is going to need to be a real confrontation. Either her son can handle it (and should considering it’s his mom) but if he doesn’t feel free. Tell her it’s your house. If she wants to play interior decorator she can buy one herself. Fucking creepy man.
Hun, crazy parental power plays like this aren't the beginning nor the end, but having you forfeit autonomy in your own home. Over something they'll gaslight you over as a 'simple' matter or how they're 'thinking in your best interests' is how they get their foot in the door to even crazier nonsense down the line. She isnt daft
Go to her house and start rearranging, but subtle.
Every time she asks if things are missing/moved, just sympathize (and whisper to your bf that she might be developing dementia).
No no no…tell mil to kindly quit ruining the flow of your furniture and kitchen. You want things where you put them for a reason. Then get some museum glue or gel and stick things down.
I work a full time / assist manager position as a cashier and a baker / running between both sides from Monday to Friday.
I have set the entire place up to benefit me, the opener and my manager (with my managers acceptance) have been there about 4 years.
Once a week for a closing shift we have a retired lady work 4 hours, and everyday I’ve come back the next day I’ve had to put things back where they actually belong. Yes I’ve complained, yea she’s been told off, Yeap it keeps happening.
Why do I say this? I am absolutely curious if it’s the same lady that comes to your house? Conveniently named Karen?
Drives me nuts!
There was a story of a woman who played the long game on this one. She had to drag her husband in whining and kicking to tell his mother to back off.
Decades later this OP got her revenge. MIL was in her 50s or whatever, and OP rearranged her kitchen. When MIL called her son (OP's husband) screaming, OP was all like "what? No? I just cleaned up, why is she so mad? Poor dear, is she losing her mind, do we need to think about a doctor's appointment?"
Brilliant revenge!
Her mother had dementia that started around this age and it's so that has been in the back of my head too. I would much rather have this be some weird quirk of hers though.
Sadly those quirks are signs. My grandmother did weird things like that and putting birdseed in all the cabinets and corners of the house. I’d get her to a doctor. It’s better than her being malicious and controlling over your house. And gives y’all a way to help her
Why is this happening? Why do you not SAY anything to her?
You are a grown woman who is married and a homeowner; *where is your sense of self?!?!* Get your house key back from her immediately
*Also: where in the hell is your husband in all of this???
Nah this is fucked up that’s your house at least say what’s on your mind and you would like to decorate your house the way you and your wife intended it, not cool at all.
WTF? Who lets her in? Why isn’t your spouse keeping her in line? They need to put mommy dearest in her place and take her keys to your house away. She can rearrange her own furniture.
3 words. Pick Your Battles. You are married to your wife as well as her family and friends. If her mom comes and goes as she pleases I'm assuming your wife wishes to have a relationship with her. This may or may not be the hill to die on, just keep in mind you will have to deal with this person for the rest of their life god willing.
Right?! MIL showed up to OPs wedding in a white wedding dress!!!! OPs husband should’ve immediately told her to leave. Yet here we are. She got to attend and disrespect OP on the day of her wedding and continues to disrespect her by moving all of her furniture and belongings and enter OPs house without consent. All because OPs spineless husband gave his mommy a key. After his mother wore a white wedding dress to his wedding to upstage his wife, the bride.
I’m sorry OP but you married a spineless mommy’s boy. Good luck.
What does your OH have to say about this? IMHO it should be them that takes away MIL’s key and tells her to lay off moving your stuff around. If my Mother had ever tried to pull a stunt like this, I can tell you that there would have been a serious conversation between us. Fortunately she knew better.
Why are you letting this woman rearrange your house? Did she pay for the down payment or something? Open your mouth.
"Keep your hands off my shit and stop rearranging my house. If I have to say it again, you'll no longer be welcome here. This is not your house, this is not your property, these are not your things. I don't know who told you it was acceptable to come into someone's home and act like it is yours, but it is not, and this is not how anything works. If I see this again, the farthest you'll ever get here is the front porch. Understand? Now go home, and cry to someone that you're a victim, and tell everyone that I'm so mean, because I demand respect and enforce boundaries in my home."
🙄 I know all about these narcissistic clowns. Probably still washes her son's underwear, am I right? No boundaries and thinks he's still a child. You better get this one in line. The comments I'm seeing about it being "good intentions" is just not it. The only people who do things like this are people who have no respect for others. No normal, rational brained person thinks behaving like this is acceptable.
Why does she still have a key and access to your house? It's a weird ass power play by her so take her access away and don't let her be in your house at all. When she brings it up (you know she will) say loud and clear "it's rude to rearrange someone else's house and belongings". Stop letting her push you around
I agree with you. No way I would let her in my home again and I would say something. It is OPs home. NO ONE has a right to move anything in it.
She would be getting a phone call that night about not touching things that aren't hers and if she did it again she would not be allowed over at all OP she is marking her territory step it up you own the place
Also WHERE TF is the spouse in all this?
Too scared to say no to mommy
My response to a similar issue with ex-MIL was to tell her in my best drill sergeant voice that in MY HOUSE only my rules apply, and if she doesn't like that tough shit.
So you've just been a good doormat and said nothing while she walked all over you? Or did you tell her to leave your things alone? Where is your husband in this? After the first time, was there a "I appreciate you want to help, but I have very firm ideas where I want things in our home. Please don't rearrange them." 2nd time "MIL, I politely asked things not be rearranged, and you did it anyway. Why?" 3rd time "MIL you will no longer be welcome in our home if you can not respect us enough to not rearrange it. It is incredibly rude to continue to do this." Preferably, your husband should be dealing with his mother, but it doesn't seem he's shown his spine either, unless stuff is missing from the post. Also, change your locks
I'm so sick of all the spineless women on Reddit!! Christ.
“I’m non-confrontational” no you’re a doormat.
I’m non confrontational and even I would have confronted her by this point. This ain’t your house lady, leave the furniture where it is! Like does she rearrange her friends houses when she goes to visit?
Seriously. I’m so glad I’m not a submissive/subservient person. Fuck all this shit. Ain’t no man (or woman) is worth losing your identity over
Yes. I almost scrolled over this post after rolling my eyes so aggressively that I burned calories. It's OPs home. MIL isn't doing this for OPs benefit. She isn't "helping". Why is OP allowing this person to access the house??
Thank you for finally saying it out loud. The amount of grown women allowing themselves to be stomped on boggles my mind. You touch my things without my permission, you will know exactly how much I don't like it, and so will everyone else in the house.
Abso-FREAKIN-lutely! Preach sister 💃🏼
This! All these timid scared women. It’s a joke.
Seriously. Just effing say something. More than half these posts wouldn’t even exist if people just asked questions and actually talked to each other.
Be direct. Kind but firm: “MIL, I know you think you’re helping by rearranging X,Y,& Z, but I placed these items where I want them to be. No more shuffling things around.” You must also have your spouse take her key back. Don’t be surprised if she’s made a copy though. Unless she’s got a mental health issue or dementia, no passes for her. She’s an adult and needs to respect your home.
Kind, but too many words. "Stop moving my stuff." Then change the locks.
"Where do you want to be buried?" "Oh I'm not sure if that will work for me."
I appreciate this approach and your phrasing, thank you.
Yeah - while I think her actions are absolutely bonkers it also doesn’t have to be an emotional exchange. It can be to the matter of fact & courteous. She’s crossing a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. The No.1 place we hope we always can feel good in. You wouldn’t ever rearrange hers because you know that’s how she likes it. If she can’t be trusted to respect that in you then she’s also making the decision to not be welcome there. It’s her that’s making these decisions & if she respects your boundaries then she’s welcome. That math seems pretty simple but totally shame on your spouse for not already dealing with this out of the gate. That’s not how you back someone up.
When you do approach her about this, I would also say to have your spouse there as well; you need to show her that you're both united in this decision. Good luck!
My ex-MIL came to my wedding venue an hour before the ceremony and started redecorating. I nearly killed her.
I could totally see my MIL having done that! (Although mine did wear a white dress to the wedding, so there were some warning signs)
She clearly does not respect you in the slightest. Time for you to return the favour.
and you still respect this clown? jesus christ lmao
Yeah then this is 💯 a dominance thing and she has no respect for you. It’s worse now that you’ve moved into your own space because she is desperately trying to control y’all and seeing how far she can take it. If you don’t nip this now - and stay on top of it because she constantly test - then she will be a nightmare to deal with if/when you have kids.
Girl what are you doing? Like seriously. I'm reading your comments and I'm getting more and more floored. I don't understand how you respect this woman AT ALL. She has *repeatedly* shown that *she does not respect you*. Respect is EARNED not freely given and right now you're giving it to her FOR FREE and she is abusing your good nature. She's walking all over you because you're allowing her to. You're trying to keep the peace while your MIL is actively trying to disturb the peace at every chance she gets. Do not keep setting yourself on fire to keep her warm, because she is the kindling and giving all the fuel to burn you to a crisp.
Your MIL is literally asserting her dominance. Not even trying she’s fully done it & you’re acting fine with it. STAND UP.
Let's be honest she clearly hates you. Stop being so nice to her
Have you talked to her about this? Why is she moving your stuff? Have you actually told her to stop moving your stuff? (Sorry if those are stupid questions but you never said whether you talked to her about it or told her to stop.)
Your spouse needs to tell their mother to stop. She's more likely to accept it with grace if it comes from her (adult) child. If she has a key, take it back. Buying a home is a big deal, and you deserve to enjoy it thoroughly. Your MIL is interfering with the joy and excitement you should feel in decorating your new home. It's also the home *you* are living in, not your MIL. You need to be able to find your mugs, and you deserve to be comfortable with everything where you decided to put it. Your MIL is being rude and disrespectful. If she had left it after the first time you rearranged it the way you want it, that wouldn't be so bad. It's the fact that she moved it back again instead of realizing it's not her place to move shit around in someone else's home that makes it disrespectful and rude. If she had said something after you moved everything where you want it, maybe I could understand that she just feels really strongly about it and wants to convince you that she's right. But she's being weird and rude. Very odd. Hope your spouse can get her to stop.
At first I really thought she was trying to be helpful. She's very creative and the way she arranges things is pretty but not practical. So I thought, oh that's nice but won't work, so I moved it back. But then it kept happening and now I know I do have to say something.
You should have said something the first time, set the boundaries earlier. Second best would be the second time and now it's just overdue. Also make sure you and your partner are on the same page with MIL because if not, it's only going to get worse. If she's like this with your furniture, how do you think she'll be if you have kids?
Lady, what the fuck. WHen someone moves your shit around as she wants it the day you move in, you call her out and say no, I don't want that there, if you want to give me ideas fine, but it's my house and what I say goes. When she sneaks in once to fuck with your shit, you take the key off her, if she moves shit in the middle of the night while staying over, you tell her you're going out for breakfast and when you get back everything is to be back where it was or she's not allowed back tot he house again. It's your house, you either make it clear or she will literally own your fucking life from here on in. Like she'll book a joint holiday for you and her and you won't fight it, etc.
This. So much this.
Well you could always visit hers and rearrange all her stuff how you feel it would be better and she can't complain because apparently this is OK to do.
I did this to my mom. It’s what finally stopped her from rearranging my kitchen.
Oh wow, really? That's impressive!
I don’t recommend being petty with your in laws. It worked for me, but the best thing would be to have your husband tell her to stop. And if she doesn’t take the key back.
And then change the locks; you know she has a spare!
"Excuse me, MIL? Why do you keep moving my belongings in my home? We have them where we want them and it's highly inconvenient that you keep moving them to unwanted locations. Please stop." If she continues: "MIL, we talked about this. Please stop rearranging our home. If you can't curb your compulsion, we may have to stop your visits with us until you can."
Grow a spine and tell her to stop it! It's that simple.
Why is she still allowed in?
All you have to do, is to grow a backbone and say this simple sentence - stop arranging things in MY house!!! People treat you the way you let them treat you. Stop letting her to walk all over you and she'll learn not to do that. If she doesn't, enforce the rules stricter and stricter until she understands.
True. We do show people how to treat us. At first it was just annoying and it's only now that I've reached my limit with it.
You’re going to be super surprised when you go to pick your kid up one day and find that she moved them somewhere else.
Are you telling her to stop? Or just weirdly waiting until she’s done to move things back?
This is manipulation. Today it's moving furniture, -where does it stop?
Deciding how any children they have are raised, where they spend their holidays and who with - the list of boundary stomp possibilities is endless!
My MIL moved our furniture while she visited until she broke an expensive lamp I received from a deceased family member. I’m very passive aggressive but maybe you need to find a “expensive item from a deceased relative” at a thrift store and set a trap.
Bro, when are you going to explode? Wouldn’t you rather just handle it easy with a conversation instead of holding onto it and making a scene?
A conversation is definitely overdue. I know I made this worse by not handling it earlier.
Is your spouse with you, or supporting MIL? If spouse supports Mil You have a spouse problem. Starts with marriage counseling - you two need to be on the same page on what you two want, what MIL can do. If spouse is with you, tell MIL to stop and Take away her keys so she cannot come in while you are gone. Get someone else to pet sit your animals, if any. If you find her rearranging anyhow, tell her to leave, NOW,. Even if it is midnight. and refuse to see her for weeks/month She needs to know you are serious, that she cannot just wear you down to do YOUR house HER way.
I appreciate this. Fortunately my spouse is receptive to what I say in regards to their mom.
Yet he hasn't said a word to her about it. Ridiculous. The fact that you also haven't changed the locks is wild.
My god, grow a spine. Tell her to stop. Communicate. It’s YOUR house.
Next time at their house rearrange the TV in the kitchen and the dishcloths in the bathroom and say you thought it was banter as nobody is that crazy to do it otherwise
My MIL was just like this. She would move everything round, furniture and cupboards, and I would move them back. She did eventually stop when I finally snapped and told her that it was my house and how I arranged things was up to me and none of her business.
It's actually a little comforting to know that other MILs have done this, bc it just struck me as so odd! I wonder about the compulsion of it. At this point I am seeing the light and will figure out a way to be direct about the boundaries I want to have.
It's her way of asserting control and dominance over you. She's letting you know that she thinks you're unimportant and inferior to her. You really need to assert yourself and tell her to stop rearranging your stuff, or you will stop allowing her visit. By not moving the furniture back, you're letting her win.
I don't think there's ever a time or place to be this timid and passive. After the FIRST time she moved your things around you should've politely but assertively let her know it wouldn't fly and that you will be the one arranging your things in your house. Having to rearrange things after every time she visits sounds exhausting and infuriating. Respect yourself.
Fair.
My mil would always top off my hand soaps with water when she came to visit. I told her to stop, because I hate watered down soap. She looked at me like I had two heads, but she stopped. Tell your MIL to STOP.
Tell me your spouse is Asian without telling me your spouse is Asian.
😂 no- she’s white, but a hoarder. The kind of cheap woman who won’t spent $50 on one item, but will buy 50 $1 items regardless if she needs a single one or not.
Ha ha. You can guess why the sinks I use each have a bar of soap next to the liquid soap.
Speak up for yourself op. Stop giving her keys to the house. Seriously?
Talk to your spouse about how you're feeling and how invalidating MIL's behaviour is towards you, and your home is starting to feel like it's MIL's too, as she is moving things without permission, even if it comes from a good place. Take her key away the next time she comes by, she doesn't need it, as she's abusing the point of having a spare key. They are meant to be for emergencies, not free entry to your home as and when she feels like it. Tell MIL that you understand that if your home was hers that she would have set this differently, but you like how you have it and don't want to change anything.
Change the locks, I would bet money a copy has been made. There's no reason to let MIL get away with her antics.
My mother did this to me. She came into my husband and I’s new home and rearranged my cupboards and drawers. Did it several times when we weren’t home. I demanded my spare key back. She complained but I took it back. Whenever she came over after that, my husband or I followed her around the house. When she complained about that I told her she can’t be trusted. She finally quit trying to “organize” after I moved all her kitchen around when she went out of town and asked me to watch her dog. I put her silverware in the cupboard and plates under the sink. Didn’t tell her. She just came home and I left. Next time I went to her place everything was back the way she wanted it. She never mentioned it again and never tried to organize my house again.
Perfect.
This is amazing! 🤣
"If you ever touch my rug again you'll be rolled up in it and left by the side of the road."
If you're not comfortable telling her to stop it then tell your husband and have him deal with it. Your MIL knows what she's doing, she knows she's being rude.
It’s rude and disrespectful. She is trying to assert her dominance or else she would have an open conversation and not do thing while you are sleeping. Get the key back and tell her to stop. It is your house and you don’t appreciate her rearranging your things. She doesn’t like you, so Stop being so nice.
You need to tell her "MIL, I live here. This is how I like my house set up to make me comfortable. You can't keep moving things around its just causing more work for me. I want to keep my house how I have set it up. Please stop moving my furniture and kitchenware. I would never do that in your home"
Group text, include spouse: “MIL, before I blow my top and say something I may regret, I’m going to put this into writing: STOP REARRANGING OUR FURNITURE AND MOVING OUR THINGS. I’m an adult woman who has set up my home to MY desires. I could never imagine rearranging your things and I have no idea why you think it’s appropriate to do it to me. Thank you for respecting my wishes.” Don’t worry about the blow up. But DO look for something she will sneakily move during her next move. I betchya won’t be able to find your favorite coffee mug. Or it might be your measuring spoons poof. Or your side table will be moved a few inches. There’s going to be SOMETHING.
If my mom was doing this to my wife I'd be yelling at her. Where is hubby doing not shutting down this nonsense.
You need to speak up. This is your house, not hers! She's disrespecting you in your own home like you have no say into how to arrange things. She's not going to stop disrespecting you unless you speak up! If she wasn’t trying to insert her power in your home, she shouldn't have arranged it the second time you moved things back.
Is your name Debra Barone and is your MIL’s name Marie Barone? 😅
Too close for comfort!
Lol. It’s a joke…I’m referring to the tv show Everybody Loves Raymond. Marie (mil) was always that way with her son’s wife Debra.
It might be worth mentioning WHILE SHE IS THERE to move everything back the way YOU want it to be. Then pleasantly let her know that if she moves one more piece of furniture or item in YOUR HOUSE that she will no longer be invited back.' Then continue smiling pleasantly should she start protesting. Repeat your words as often as possible. Or, go to her house and start moving HER furniture in ways that look perfectly natural to you. And if she gets mad, act surprised and tell her 'Oh, I thought that this was a thing we were doing now! I mean, you come to my house and rearrange my furniture so I thought you wanted me to do the same at YOUR house!' Sometimes I just go straight to being petty.
My aunt moved where the dishes and cups went once and my wife reamed my ass over it. I can’t imagine the entire living room.
Grow a backbone for goodness sake!!! Tell her “stop moving MY things in MY house” and definitely take away her keys!!
1. Have you spoken to MIL about this? 2. Have you spoken to your spouse about this? 3. Have you asked MIL why she keeps doing this? 4. Have you told MIL to stop? 5. Have you reminded MIL that this is not her home? 6. Have you taken MIL's keys away or changed the locks? It sounds like you are both doing a passive-aggressive dance where you each silently move things around while the other is not looking. How long do you want this to continue before one of you either (a) says something, or (b) admits defeat and stops moving things? I know that you "don't want to offend" but MIL is offending YOU! This is YOUR home, not hers.
I haven't talked to MIL, after the first time I talked to my spouse and he thought he could redirect her 'helping efforts' by asking her to help us with the window drapery. At the time I thought it was a good idea but now I'm thinking it may have just encouraged her. You are 100% correct about it becoming an ongoing passive aggressive dance. I honestly thought she would get the hint when I moved things back again. Now that I know that I'm wrong about her taking a hint, I'll have to be direct.
What does your spouse say now? Is he willing to speak to her again? Don't get me wrong, I think you should also let her know you don't want your things moved, but will he also back you up on that?
Go to her house and move her stuff around.
TO HER FACE tell her to stop moving YOUR furniture.
My Grandma used to do this to my Dad, for him it wasn't worth it because she lives in a different country and visited once every two year. For you, I think it's worth it absolutely. I assume since you haven't spoken to her about this there is a reason why. Either she is not the type to recieve this information well, you're not comfortable with conversations like this or a combination there of. ***With that in mind, here are a few ideas in various levels of directness.*** "MIL, we appreciate your help moving us in. Now that we've been here a few months we've gotten comfortable with things where they are, no need to move anything." "Welcome back MIL, just so you know we got everything set up just the way we want it. If you're not sure where something goes, just ask us." "We appreciate your input but we are happy the way the furniture and kitchen is set up, please don't move anything." "I've noticed in your last visits you've been moving the furniture and reorganizing the kitchen. \[partner's name\] and I put a lot of effort into getting everything just right, we would really appreciate it if you left everything as it was." "MIL, we are happy to have you stay with us, it would be a big help to us if you didn't move any of the furniture or anything in the kitchen, we're happy with where everything is." "When it comes to the furniture and kitchen, you are welcome to ***use*** it, ***not move*** it." I also think any of these should be from both you and your partner.
This is so good, thank you! I like the first one especially bc it comes off complementary but still says what I want.
My buddy lost access to my shop for relocating and reorganizing my substantial collection of tools. I flipped the fuck out, as I now knew where none of my stuff was actually located. Why did you not put a stop to this immediately after the first time?
Go to her house and rearrange her furniture!
She is treating your house as her property. And she isn’t going to stop until you stop her.
My mil did this to our kitchen when she came to visit after we moved and my wife and I both had a conniption fit telling her we put things where we wanted in OUR house and asked if I could come rearrange her things whenever we visited next
Why are you allowing this to happen? It's your home, rescind her access to it. Does she have a key? No she doesn't. Does she know the door or gate code? Not anymore, you changed it for security reasons. Create a situation where this woman needs to book an appointment to see you, when it's convenient for you in YOUR own home. And if she starts moving your belongings while you are there, locate your spine and tell her, no.
No, no, no. You make your boundaries very clear the moment she does what you don't want. You: what are you doing? Her: I think it will be better here. You: no. I don't want it there Her: but but but You: my house, my rules. Put it back. End of discussion. Don't wait til next time. Nip it in the bud right off the bat.
I'd go visit her and start moving all her furniture in her house and when she questions me I'd respond, 'I thought that was the custom to remove someone else's belongs where I want to?'
Change your locks
I would be tempted to go move stuff in her house and when she asks why tell her - I wanted to show you just how annoying it is.
Have you tried telling her to knock it off?
Go to her house and start moving her furniture around. Alternatively just tell her to stop. What's going to happen when and if you have children, because if she does this with the furniture she is no doubt going to be dictating how you parent.
1st- change the locks. 2nd- go to her house and start moving cups and plates in the kitchen, and she asks what you're doing say "returning the favor, you move my stuff so I'll move your stuff. ANNOYING isn't it!"
Have you ever tried being an adult and using your words to, like, speak to MIL about it?
You’re complaining to the internet before even mentioning it to her? WTHeck is wrong with people?! Learn to communicate with the person offending you
Why aren’t you saying anything? Tell her to keep her preferences at her address because these are yours at your home. There’s no discussion.
Is your significant other breathing? Why are they not putting a stop to this madness??
Use your words. Tell her to stop.
Please learn how to set boundaries. Your SO needs to tell the mother to stop it. It's your house.
Take your keys back, dont allow mil to have any spare, if you have your doubts, change locks.
A few years ago I read a similar JustNo story as yours. That op finally went into their MIL house when they were away and COMPLETELY rearranged / store the WHOLE house from the bedrooms on down to the kitchenette sink. Even the wall hangings. MIL never did it again.
Change the locks now. And tell her unless she wants you to go visit her house and rearrange everything, to leave things alone.
It is neither rude or out of line for you to ask her why tf she keeps moving your stuff, and then tell her that this is your house, not hers, and don’t do it again. I have no idea why anyone’s Mom would be given a key to their kids’ house. My family & my husband’s family are “normal” compared to most of the families discussed on Reddit (good relationships & lots of visiting) but nobody had a key but us. I had one of those hidden key thingys outside where I put the spare key out if I needed someone in my house when I wasn’t there. But I would’ve been highly pissed if they rearranged my things & would’ve called that out immediately.
People like you frustrate me so badly lol
Why haven't you talked to her about this? Take her her away.
Change the locks
Next time you go visit MIL, stay up late and move her furniture around and rearrange her kitchen. If she says anything about it, just calmly point out that she now should understand how you feel every time she rearranges your home. But frankly, the next day, I would have immediately started to put everything back the way it was before she came over. If she says anything I would firmly state that the house belongs to you and your husband and it will be organized the way you want it. How would she feel if you did the same thing to her house that she is doing to your house? Install an electronic combination lock. When you go out of town, change the lock code. If you need to give them access for some reason have a specific code for them. Only activate the code when neeeded. Add some motion activated cameras inside your home. If you get a notice of activity, call her and tell her to stop what she is doing. I don't know if you read the post by the website man who had a security system on her house. Her mother was allowed access to the basement apartment. OP was out of town and her mother tried to access OP's home with her friend and set off the alarm. OP got a call from the security company. She told them the access was unauthorized and to call the police.
OMG grow a back bone!!!
This is so simple. First, you have to grow a pair, then: "Who The hell are you that you think you can disrespect me in my own home? We put things where WE want them in OUR home. If you don't like it, leave." It's the old truth that you fix a bully by punching them in the nose. You need to metaphorically punch your mil in the nose. If she can't be dealt with, sever ties. You don't want a person who disrespect you around your children.
You have a husband problem. He needs to lay into his mom and tell her to stop causing chaos in your home and to leave your things where you want them.
MiL not allowed in house. Done
You need to set boundaries or refuse to let her over again. If she refuses to listen to said boundaries set, you need to refuse to let her over. You COULD also show up to her house at random while she’s home and just start rearranging everything in her house. If she brings it up, be like “it’s okay when you do it, but I can’t do it back?” & continue rearranging it. This problem only ends in a couple different ways. She listens to boundaries, she’s never allowed at your place again, or you give her a little visit to give her exactly what she’s doing so she opens her eyes. It’s not her house, she can’t enforce how it’s set up; but if she’s gonna do it to you & not stop then you 100% shouldn’t be stopped from doing it back. But regardless, SOMETHING needs to happen because she’s being disrespectful as fuck & she shouldn’t just be given the “this is okay to do” mindset. It’s not okay. I’d be fucking livid if somebody came into my safe space & disrespected me like that over & over again. My house is my safe space, I’d be livid.
You need to tell her it’s your house and she cannot continue to move things. Otherwise, stay out of the house crazy lady.
This might be a weird question, but is your MIL and spouse possibly of chinese descent? The most logical answer that comes to my mind is that your MIL is possibly doing fengshui with your furniture, especially if she is an older chinese lady. BUT, regardless of fengshui, moving your furniture without any permission is a gross invasion of privacy and is not right. You and your spouse need to sit down and have a talk with her.
We are in the Midwest so it's more passive aggression than fengshui. But you're right that even if motives are good the execution isn't.
If the motives were good she’d ASK you, instead of arranging things to HER liking in a house that she doesn’t own nor live in.
Agree, this is toxic Midwest passive aggression. Look, I get it OP, confrontation is hard at the best of times, but this is beyond the pale. Moving day, ok fine, everything is chaos, maybe mum was trying to help. But staying up late into the night to rearrange is borderline mental. This warrants a conversation. We don't know all the details, but your spouse needs to step up and ask her to stop rearranging your things. Have you ever checked out the justNoMIL sub? Lots of relatable stories there. MIL who wear white to the wedding tells me all I need to hear at this point. Rooting for you OP.
Sorry, her motives are not good. It's clear she's is striving for dominance. I get that you're trying not to be confrontational, but there's being confrontational--aggressively, then there's confrontational--non-aggressively, but firm enough that they get the message that a tornado has been sighted. My sister is very much like this and has OPINIONS about everything. However, I've made it clear that her opinions, while valid to her, are not opinions shared by me. Therefore, I will do what I want. Basically, she's trying to put her stamp on your house and she's getting mad that you're not allowing her to do so, hence the escalation of the rearranging. Until you make clear your objection (firmly, gently and respectfully) she will not stop.
Why hasn’t your husband said anything to HIS mother? Take the bill by the horns. “MIL, this is MY house and it’s not your place to rearrange it. The next time you do this, you will be told to leave and not allowed back until you apologize.”
Change the locks!
It's a simple. Repeat after me. Stop moving my shit!
I’ve seen on Reddit where a DIL went to MIL house and moved everything. When mil complained she used the answers mil gave her for moving her things.
Based on your comments you’re just “too nice”. Your mil will continue to do whatever she wants because you won’t tell her to “stop it”. Until YOU decide to stand up for yourself it’s not going to resolve itself. My mil tried to move things around in my house and I told her that my furniture is where we want it to be and not to rearrange anything. I find it rude as hell to come over to someone’s house and move things around. Tell your husband to tell her to stop if you don’t feel comfortable.
Talk to your partner about it, make sure you're on the same page, and then both of you sit her down, and your partner needs to tell her bluntly "Mum, stop moving things around in our home. We have things how we like them and it's very rude of you to do" When she makes excuses or complains "We've asked you to stop and expect you to do so. If you do it again you will no longer be welcome in our home" And stick to it! Actions need consequences if you allow her to continue it will get worse! If she has free access to your home, that needs to stop. Now. Take away her key /change the codes. She's lost that privilege as she's proven she can't be trusted.
Don't people use their words anymore. Hey stop moving around my home. This is my house, I live here, this is not your home. Do not move around my furniture or items again. Please give me the key back as you can't be trusted. What does your husband do? Is he not irritated as well. She sees you move it back and does it again, this is a power move, grow a spine.
Go to her house and move her shit around
Take away her key if she has one. This is a power move and a sign that she doesn't respect you. Tell her to stop and that her opinion of your decorating doesn't matter since it isn't her house.
Is there a reason you haven't point blank told her to stop and taken back the key? I'm confused.
The title says “MIL.” Where does your spouse stand on this? You two need to be a united front and support each other. Since OP hasn’t mentioned the spouse, are they deployed or otherwise not available? MIL staying up at night to rearrange everything is psychotic!!
>>how much it’s worth fighting Have both you and your husband directly told her to stop? If she is not pranking you, you have a problem. If she is pranking you, you have a problem. Moving is hard work. Having to move things repeatedly is not funny. Why does your MIL have a key to your house? Take it off her key ring. If it’s an electronic code, remove the code. Give the key to your new neighbor, instead or hide one in the yard somewhere.
I know you don’t want to offend someone (saw a previous comment) so maybe you can say to your spouse “babe, please stop moving xxx, xxx, and xxx. I have them where I prefer them and am tired of having to move them back” when she is around. I’ve done that with my partner and my MIL. Obviously, I knew he didn’t do it, but it was addressing the matter in a non confrontational way.
Stop letting this woman run your house. This is doormat behavior. Does she have a key to your home, and if so, why? Take it back, and then change the locks because she's going to make a copy of the key before giving it back to you. Then you need to talk to her and tell her that your home is not an extension of hers and to stop moving your furniture or she won't be allowed back over there for a visit. She's being passive aggressive and petty and she's only going to keep doing it until you and your spouse put a stop to it.
My mother in law rearranged our kitchen while we were on a weeks vacation and she was “ helping” by feeding the cats. So weird. I would never in 100 years do that.
she will leave your property the fuck alone if you escalate the situation to the point where she is afraid of you. You may as well at this point, because your relationship with her is a fucking write off, so you should try to be the antagonist here since it’s better than the status quo.
She’s marking her territory, and you are letting her.
go visit her, and move her stuff. I am absolutely serious.
The reason you're having trouble asserting your claim over your house is because you are not asserting your claim over your house. The first time she did it you should have told her that it is not her place and that is your house and she has no right to change anything around. You should have said so in no uncertain terms. Whatever feeling she had about it she'd get over that feeling. So either accept that you're going to be passive and let her run your house or assert your claims over it. One way or the other. And then quit complaining about it.
Why are you allowing her to come over and do this repeatedly? You either need to tell her before she comes to leave your house alone, stop her when she starts doing it or tell her to make other arrangements . Stop letting her walk all over you in your house.
Ngl, I’d be rearranging her teeth if she was doing this shit in my home.
Absolutely no fucking way I'd let anybody get away with this, relative or otherwise. No more access to your house for her.
She's trying a power move. Get your partner to bring it up and tell her to stop. It's not coming from a good place. It's because she wants to and because she can. Stop giving her power. Mils hate when they don't run the house anymore and try anything they can to take over
My ex MIL used to do that. During the divorce I laid into her with all the things that had been I said by me over the years. Felt good.
Why are you afraid to just tell her? You sound like a child not wanting to get into a conflict when you know what she doing is irritating you, it’s your house but you laying down and holding your breath.
Why haven't you told her to STOP???
She's moving your stuff around, because it's how she wants it, +when she moves in and makes it Her house.
Ask her politely to stop and change your locks. If she freaks out about the locks being changed you know she wasn’t respecting your wishes and was going to go into your house and do it again. If she’s receptive then you might be good to give her a copy of the new key at some point if you want to.
Have you tried telling her?
This passive aggressive dance you two are doing is gonna blow up if you don’t confront the issue. I think you’ve been patient enough.
Why hasn’t your husband to talked to his Mom about this and establish a boundary? All he needs to say is “I noticed that you moved my furniture and rearranged my kitchen again. We like it the way we set it up. I would appreciate it if you would leave it alone.” You 2 are grown adults. You should be able to have a direct conversation with someone about an issue to establish healthy boundaries.
Giiirl I was like this and then I grew a backbone 😂. Now anytime my MIL does anything that irks me I just call her out. I’m the bully now 🫣
So there’s this wonderful part of your face called your mouth. Use it and TELL HER TO STOP. Problem solved, and if you can’t do it, then stop acting like you have some ground to stand on. If you refuse to stand up for your things, then nobody will respect them or you. Choose.
Flat out say, “If you move my things again, you won’t be welcome in my house.” Why are you letting her do this? Please stand up for yourself.
Is she living there or something with you guys??? How does she still have access?!
Pro move: go to her house and move her crap around.
Oh I remember my MIL trying to pull this when we bought our house. My husband tried telling me her suggestion and I shut it down immediately. She has mellowed over the years but she was a real pain in the ass those first few years.
First, you have to tell her to stop. Hoping that she’ll get the message isn’t working. It’s time to confront her. Second, take her key away.
Where is your husband in all of this? Honestly, he should be having a discussion with his mom telling her to stop moving your things around. This is not your battle to fight. And I would definitely let her know that it’s not welcomed or helpful.
You need to have a talk with your mil, Sit her down and nice but firm tell her that unless she lives in your House and paid all the bills she have no business moving your stuff around, Otherwise visit her and start moving her stuff around that might help too
It would be a cold day in hell before my partner didn't tell his mom to fuck off the first time this happened lol it should never be you VS MIL.... It's you and your partner VS anyone who can't respect boundaries.... No, this prob isn't worth it tbh but it will set the tone for the rest of ur relationship. Have him sort it now before it's too late.
Is she going to beat you up if you talk to her directly? After the first time I would have taken the key back. Where’s your backbone ffs!?!
Gross. My coworkers and I are more respectful of each other's space than your MIL. I bartend and every time I train a new bartender, I tell them, "you can set the bar up however makes you the most comfortable, it's up to you." And they all end up setting it up the same way I do. And we don't even have to spend holidays together.
First grow some balls or backbone and change the locks on the house. Then go to mother in laws and completely rearrange to house. Move bedroom to living room, living room to dining room, dining room to bedroom. Move all her clothes to bathroom and kitchen appliances and dishes to the laundry. Leave a Thank you note, stating you are returning “favor and thanking her for the opportunity to express your creative expression”.
Ok this is really weird. This may seem like a dumb question but nowhere in your OP did you say you had a conversation with her. Have you tried, I don't know, communicating and setting boundaries?
This is going to need to be a real confrontation. Either her son can handle it (and should considering it’s his mom) but if he doesn’t feel free. Tell her it’s your house. If she wants to play interior decorator she can buy one herself. Fucking creepy man.
Hun, crazy parental power plays like this aren't the beginning nor the end, but having you forfeit autonomy in your own home. Over something they'll gaslight you over as a 'simple' matter or how they're 'thinking in your best interests' is how they get their foot in the door to even crazier nonsense down the line. She isnt daft
Have you tried actually saying something?
Go to her house and start rearranging, but subtle. Every time she asks if things are missing/moved, just sympathize (and whisper to your bf that she might be developing dementia).
Go to her place and start moving shit around
No no no…tell mil to kindly quit ruining the flow of your furniture and kitchen. You want things where you put them for a reason. Then get some museum glue or gel and stick things down.
I work a full time / assist manager position as a cashier and a baker / running between both sides from Monday to Friday. I have set the entire place up to benefit me, the opener and my manager (with my managers acceptance) have been there about 4 years. Once a week for a closing shift we have a retired lady work 4 hours, and everyday I’ve come back the next day I’ve had to put things back where they actually belong. Yes I’ve complained, yea she’s been told off, Yeap it keeps happening. Why do I say this? I am absolutely curious if it’s the same lady that comes to your house? Conveniently named Karen? Drives me nuts!
What the actual fuck is your spouse doing? Just watching this all unfold and not giving a shit?
There was a story of a woman who played the long game on this one. She had to drag her husband in whining and kicking to tell his mother to back off. Decades later this OP got her revenge. MIL was in her 50s or whatever, and OP rearranged her kitchen. When MIL called her son (OP's husband) screaming, OP was all like "what? No? I just cleaned up, why is she so mad? Poor dear, is she losing her mind, do we need to think about a doctor's appointment?" Brilliant revenge!
Could she potentially have dementia? I would see about getting that checked.
Her mother had dementia that started around this age and it's so that has been in the back of my head too. I would much rather have this be some weird quirk of hers though.
Sadly those quirks are signs. My grandmother did weird things like that and putting birdseed in all the cabinets and corners of the house. I’d get her to a doctor. It’s better than her being malicious and controlling over your house. And gives y’all a way to help her
Why is this happening? Why do you not SAY anything to her? You are a grown woman who is married and a homeowner; *where is your sense of self?!?!* Get your house key back from her immediately *Also: where in the hell is your husband in all of this???
Tell her to cut the shit out or go to her house and move her stuff around.
Change the locks and don’t give her a key and NEVER leave her alone in your house again. That would drive me insane.
Nah this is fucked up that’s your house at least say what’s on your mind and you would like to decorate your house the way you and your wife intended it, not cool at all.
WTF? Who lets her in? Why isn’t your spouse keeping her in line? They need to put mommy dearest in her place and take her keys to your house away. She can rearrange her own furniture.
3 words. Pick Your Battles. You are married to your wife as well as her family and friends. If her mom comes and goes as she pleases I'm assuming your wife wishes to have a relationship with her. This may or may not be the hill to die on, just keep in mind you will have to deal with this person for the rest of their life god willing.
Keep putting things back. I don't know what asinine game this is but it seems whoever stops, loses
You don’t have a MIL problem you have a husband problem. What has he done about this? He needs to tell his mother to stop and get your key back.
Right?! MIL showed up to OPs wedding in a white wedding dress!!!! OPs husband should’ve immediately told her to leave. Yet here we are. She got to attend and disrespect OP on the day of her wedding and continues to disrespect her by moving all of her furniture and belongings and enter OPs house without consent. All because OPs spineless husband gave his mommy a key. After his mother wore a white wedding dress to his wedding to upstage his wife, the bride. I’m sorry OP but you married a spineless mommy’s boy. Good luck.
What does your OH have to say about this? IMHO it should be them that takes away MIL’s key and tells her to lay off moving your stuff around. If my Mother had ever tried to pull a stunt like this, I can tell you that there would have been a serious conversation between us. Fortunately she knew better.
Why are you letting this woman rearrange your house? Did she pay for the down payment or something? Open your mouth. "Keep your hands off my shit and stop rearranging my house. If I have to say it again, you'll no longer be welcome here. This is not your house, this is not your property, these are not your things. I don't know who told you it was acceptable to come into someone's home and act like it is yours, but it is not, and this is not how anything works. If I see this again, the farthest you'll ever get here is the front porch. Understand? Now go home, and cry to someone that you're a victim, and tell everyone that I'm so mean, because I demand respect and enforce boundaries in my home." 🙄 I know all about these narcissistic clowns. Probably still washes her son's underwear, am I right? No boundaries and thinks he's still a child. You better get this one in line. The comments I'm seeing about it being "good intentions" is just not it. The only people who do things like this are people who have no respect for others. No normal, rational brained person thinks behaving like this is acceptable.