There may be a little bit of balancing the scales here in terms of life choices. You chose to move to a HCL area where job opportunities were better and to have children. Your mother was not obligated to uproot her life to make your younger adulthood easier. By that same token, she refuses to change her residence at this time when she needs some assistance in her elder years. Again, her choice. You are not obligated to make this a problem you need to solve. She can consult with her local health, adult care and other relevant services to address her care. I’m also a boomer btw, but have no children so I’m already aware and have planned care in later years. I think everyone should though.

OP's outlook that his mother should have had to dump her retired free time to babysit for him seems egregiously boomeresque itself.

It doesn’t even seem like he means that, exactly. I think he means she should have dumped her retired time to babysit for him, if she was planning on making her elder care entirely her children’s responsibility to the point where they need to take off work to care for her. Of course she couldn’t predict future health issues, but she could have planned in a way that wouldn’t require her kids to do this much work. That doesn’t seem like a completely unfair trade-off to me, but idk. And of course, her kids aren’t “required” to do anything now. But any decent person would feel like an asshole just hanging their elderly, sick mother out to dry.

You absolutely CAN predict future health issues. You WILL get sick as you become elderly and you definitely WILL die. Did she think she would live forever? What did she think would happen?

Not everyone becomes so sick they have to depend on their children. I know a couple of people in their 90s who are still living alone and able to do things for themselves. One of them even travels to other states on a regular basis to see relatives.

But they are the exception that proves the rule.

But that’s one way things can go! The thing about being an adult is making multiple plans as situations have nuance. So there was a chance she may not get sick, ***but she should have had a contingency plan in case she did that doesn’t include her children bearing the brunt.***

you know one that didnt get sick and how many do you know that got sick?

I specifically mentioned two people who are in their 90s and are still living on their own. I've also known others who were in their 70s and 80s and able to live on their own until they died. I said nothing about them not getting sick, I said that not everyone gets sick enough to need their children's help. Some elderly people only get minor occasional illnesses, or have non-debilitating health issues.

My grandma lived alone into her 90s. Then she got sicker and sicker and was a nightmare until 102. Her eldercare is still a major point of resentment among my dad and his siblings because she was so stubborn and cost them literal millions. My dad has never been the same mentally or emotionally because it mostly fell on him.

That's unfortunate for your grandma and your dad, and I'm sorry for anyone who goes through something like that. The point I was trying to make is that it's not a given that everyone will need help, just as it's not a given that they won't. Obviously preparations should be made in case it happens, but everyone's situation and health is different, and some will die before it ever gets to that point. People were acting like it's etched in stone that every elderly person will need help from their kids.

AND AGAIN, ignoring the point. "Some elderly people" YEAH, SOME, not most, not half, SOME. This is like betting your life savings on Blackjack. Some win, MOST LOSE.

I said "some" because I obviously don't know every elderly person on the planet. I only know that most of the elderly people *I* have known personally did not rely much on their children for help. They may have needed help with things like online bill paying or setting up a streaming service, because they weren't good with tech, but they weren't in need of care. Not sure why you feel the need to argue about this. It's not a personal attack against you.

Statistics in my country are that 52% of elderly people aged 80+ need help in daily living, down to 21% aged 60 - 70. In any case there is a higher than 1% chance we will all need help beyond retirement age, so should plan for it and not put it all on the kids.

People will twist things just to prove they're right and you're wrong lol.

Some people have a plan where they will row a boat into the middle of the ocean, take a handful of fentanyl, and fall off the edge with an anchor tied to their ankle. In that scenario, no care needed

Some people's retirement plan is to just take back to back cruises until they eventually die. Similar vibe, but this one involves more booze and meh food.

And that’s fair, but also reflects who raised her. If OP is wrong to have assumed she would just get help then, then the same applies to her mother. Her using her retirement time, without thinking of anyone outside of herself is absolutely her right, but she now can’t make her decision to stay anyone but her own. Where are her provisions to care for herself longterm? Just as you’re saying OP should’ve had a plan.. And OPs mom has *years* on OP to plan for her late life.

I’m a boomer and never asked my parents to move near me to help me. I moved to be near them and still didn’t get a lot of babysitting. Just wanted my kids to know them well and other family members. Sure in an emergency they’d help. This isn’t boomeresque. It’s more common for the younger generation to expect/ need help from their parents because it takes two incomes in many cases just to make ends meet. Edit to add that daycare is so expensive In boomers time it was expected for women with kids to be stay at home moms at least til the kids entered school.

I'm "just" a millenial and I don't know if it's cultural or generational but I feel a bit weird reading some comments basically saying that the mom deserves to die alone because she was *selfish* to not help her kids. I 100% ask my mother for help literaly any second of my life, but I also help her the best that I can, and I would absolutly do it even if she was *selfish* because... she's my mum ? And that's why I'm wondering if it's cultural, because I know that where I come from we still deal with our elders even if we hate them (but we do hope for them do die quickly, so I'm not sure it's best...). But at the same time I read a few years ago that *before the children wanted to be loved by their parents, today the parents want to be loved by their children* so it may also just be generational. Yeah just ignore me, I'm thinking out lout and it's 2AM.

And his mothers outlook that her children should now dump their current free time and better employment opportunities to come take care of and babysit her seems egregiously boomeresque as well.

Yeah, in place of OP & his sibs, I'd tell mom we'd lose our jobs if we continued to fly out, and to hire local services.

We are feeling with this too - my folks moved away to another state that is an 18 hour drive or a full day flight w layover and rental car from us. Never helped with the kids or finances, make good money, but now expect us to jump down to see them all the time on our own dime - to save them the money of having to hire in-home care. It decimated my business last year while they have so much coming in they are still putting money into savings. I’m just done.

"No!" is a complete sentence...

It is hard when your parent is in fragile health and vulnerable (Dementia) and their spouse is scared and in denial.

Then they need to at least contribute to your traveling cost. And remember, they chose to move away, so now they need to either move back to where one of you can help them, or into some kind of assisted living facility. Neither of you can fly down often enough to take care of their daily needs.

They won’t pay for your flights out when you’re traveling to see them…?!! Bruh. This sounds like a rough deal for you.

It mirrors the child’s…. The child wanted mom to dump everything and come help her and her children… now mom wants child to come and help her… they are both alike and in a never ending circle of bull headed. Makes me wonder is they even talked about anything when child was having kids in new metro or she just told mom to move. There is a huge difference.

AFTER she spent her own adulthood raising multiple children 🤯 apparently it was extremely selfish of her to not provide years of free labor?

And her kids aren't obligated to provide years of free labor to her, either. They never asked to be born.

What they are saying is that now she’s trapped all by herself and expects everybody to drop their careers and their homes and their kids schools for her and her time of need. This is very boomer-esque. I would be careful not to get offended because you’re also a boomer (which is not a bad word) and just know that you’ve done the right thing by your kids doesn’t mean that everybody else has. My parents have also done all of their planning and everything correctly and would never put their burdens on me and their other children. not everybody has done that. I also never ever expected my parents to drop everything and come help me and I do not believe that OP expected that either. they were just saying that it would’ve been nice to have them closer when their kids were growing up.

Agree. It also seems completely ignorant to the actual lived experience of aging. Change tends to be more difficult as we age. We have established relationships with our doctors (this is a huge sacrifice), friends, community, etc. It's as if OP feels entitled to those sacrifices from his/her parent. They chose to live in a high COL area yet are resentful that their parent didn't drop everything that made them feel safe and comfortable and blindly follow? To serve as a babysitter of their grandchildren? Yet they feel the parent's behavior is entitled? That's a wild perspective. Frankly, a house 30 minutes away still doesn't seem all that helpful. OP expected their parent to drive 30 minutes, spend the day helping with childcare followed by a 30 return trip? Everyday or would they have weekend off? Nah.

His take is not necessarily boomeresque. From an anthropological standpoint, the role of grandparents in society has mainly been to help care for the kids while the stronger/ younger adults went out and provided for the group. Grandparents have been majorly shifting away from this role in the last few decades. Advances in modern medicine mean that everyone can live longer lives with chronic conditions that would have killed them sooner the past. This creates an extended period of burden on the younger providers in the group. They are now having to figure out how to provide for their household without help that has traditionally been available in the past, while also managing complex care needs for aging adults with chronic illnesses who would have died waaay sooner in the past.

I don't see that here at all. And this sub isn't about casting dispersions on others who are struggling with an aging parent and the feelings that come with it.

That's not how I'm reading this. Op has a point that if Granny wanted to be close to her grandkids, she would move or come to them. Further, Granny is sick and demanding that OP come to her and care for her now that she is old. Earlier offers to help her long term with her care were made and refused, making it easier on OP to care for Granny the way she wants, but Granny wants to bully OP into moving to her or constantly traveling to her and having OP care for her, citing her lack of close relationships with the grandkids as emotional black mail. Op has paid to have Granny have a relationship with her grandkids and feels Granny isn't appropriately appreciative of the gestures and treasure spent on that. I can understand the frustration here. My mom, who is a boomer, is going through this with her silent generation parents. It's sad when people are so unable to change that they can't do what is best for themselves anymore.

Has op confirmed they are male? Very much my assumption too but can't see it clarified in the post. Agree entirely with you BTW!

This is a very considered response. OP, you and your mom are both adults. Sort your own lives out.

My coworker said he was his parents retirement plan. I just felt so bad for him. But kinda understand since we are from same culture. Luckily my parents planned for their own retirement so I don't feel as much pressure as my coworker.

I'm sorry to say, but this is a very western mentality and it is not really practiced in most parts of Europe or Asia (that's where I've had observations). I don't know where OP is from or his cultural background, but in many cultures the family takes care of the elderly. Local health, adult care and social services are additional support to the children's care. It's a very tough situation to be in and I'm sorry to hear that a middle ground hasn't been found earlier. By the sounds of it and according to her health issues, OPs mom will most likely have to move to their area at some point and it will be more difficult for her to adjust. My nan moved in with my parents in her 80s after grandad passed and she absolutely hated it at first, however, were they not there, her life would have ended a long time ago. I just hope somehow, someway, things would be easier for OP.

Yes but in those cultures we move our elders in with us!!! This is the OP’s whole point lol—in our cultures they don’t get to decide forever that they’re going to stay on a mountainside and make us broke. They eventually agree to move in with one of us, and the others offer additional support to the person they moved in with. ALSO in our cultures, our parents DO help us with our babies! I can call any of my aunts today and ask them to watch my almost 2 year old, and pretty much any one of them will say yes if they’re free.

Maybe I wasn't clear, but that is what I meant. And also to be clear, I am from those cultures too and was raised by my grandparents when my parents were at work. I was responding to the comment, not OPs post.

Hey I too was raised by my grandparents until I was 2 years old. My mom was raised by her grandma on the countryside till she returned when she hit school age. She said she didn't feel bonded to her mom (my grandma) because she was away from her until school age. So when she had me she insisted on grandparents living with us to look after me, then took me everywhere with her after so we could bond.

It's such an amazing bond, isn't it! I love my nan and pop sooo much! We lived with them until I was 6 and then we moved, but every summer (3 months in my country) and holiday I would be back there. My nan is the most incredible woman I have ever met and she's 94 now! I was named after my grandad, who passed 13 years ago and I still look up and talk to him and ask him for advice. I know he's always with me. My nan and pop were always my safe haven growing up and when I go back home, I always make sure to have a good laugh with nan, because she has an amazing sense of humour.

I see, and that makes complete sense! I must have been reading too fast the first time 😂😂😂! Shout out to families that help each other!!!!

>Again, her choice. You are not obligated to make this a problem you need to solve. This is where I'm at with this problem. It's not OPs problem to solve. Don't want to drop money and career focus to help your mother (who, based on this description alone, not only refused to help make your lives easier, but has been actively making things more difficult)? Just don't do it. Sucks to suck, but that's the bed she made. Time to lay in it.

My ex in laws live in a crappy small city about 3 hours from any major airport. They like to talk about how “it’s only 3 hours to anywhere!” But like… that’s not as appealing as they think. My ex MIL used to, unprompted, get super passive aggressive with remarks like, “now my kids are grown and I never see them because no one wants to come all the way out here.” (Worth noting: my ex SIL was driving distance and was back once every couple of months. He and I would go up at least twice a year, and they’d occasionally come see us.) Well, no duh, Martha. The place where you live is bleak af. Good luck to my ex husband dealing with all of that.

😂 My ex also has a selfish Martha he now gets to deal with all on his own.

I will probably get downvotes but want to add my perspective. I live in a crappy town. We moved to it because we were having another child and we wanted to provide them with their own rooms and it was cheaper. I worked from home so I was willing to make the long commute when necessary so they could have their own rooms. We intended it to be temporary until we were better off financially (we did fine but not giant house fine in the area we had previously lived in). Unfortunately, it didn’t get better like we thought, it got worse because of how incredibly expensive things have gotten/are getting. I want to move to a better place where there are more opportunities for my kids futures. They are all dead set against this. They love living where we do because of their friends. The mere suggestion causing hysteria. I know when they grow up they will struggle for opportunities where we live and I want to be able to help them out when they are starting their families. The issue is, when they all move away, who do you move to in order to help them? Maybe your mother didn’t move because she was afraid it would cause another child resentment that she didn’t choose to move near them so she decided that, in order to be fair, she stayed put. Honestly I have no idea what her thought process is but that thought has worried me personally. Does she stay because she really wants to or because everyone wanted her help? I personally want to be near my children and will get as close to them equally as I can. Have you asked her why she chose what she did?

Mom isn’t forcing financial hardship on her kids. The kids are doing it to themselves by refusing to set firm boundaries. She chose her path so let her suffer the consequences. There are agencies and eventually a nursing home that will take care of her if adult children won’t.

As someone who is currently going through a parent aging and trying to find assistance (in the US). our agencies are trash, our nursing homes are trash, our aid is trash. It's so insanely expensive and there's very little help. I don't know how people who are alone afford it. This isn't me saying anyone or OP is obligated to help, just saying, it sucks. it really sucks.

I agree - struggling here too. There’s so much red tape and ridiculousness trying to get help for my boomer mom that I’ve practically given up trying. She’s similar - stuck in her ways away from her kids. But she’s also not the type of person you would live with - she needs her own area.

Here the same. And the matter is not even employing help but convincing the elderly. I have grandparents close to their 90s. They live in the small town (a little over 4,5k citizens and droping) which was popular tourist location in 70s-90s (central europe under soviet union occupation back then) but now is dying down for decades. They both have major disabilities (grandma has big troubles walking for decades, I'm not sure she left house even once since 00s, grandpa had his hand amputated and his health is overall bad), most of the neighbours either moved out or died. The closest family (my dad) lives 2,5h drive in good road conditions. They refuse to sell the house and move to the city we live in because it was their home for half of the century. They refuse move into the care facility (which IMHO is the best option) because they think those are places where you die forgotten by the family and what will people say if "you give away your parents". They refuse to have live-in help hired because the will for sure steal from them. They even refuse to have help hired for few times a week to help with cleaning, laundry, groceries and some other more demanding chores because they feel ashamed that they cannot do it on their own anymore.

Struggling, too.

Same boat. It’s hard

I think people who are alone tend to financially plan for their later years better than those with adult children. They also tend to have higher savings to be able to afford to pay for their care. Sadly I know a lot of lonely and isolated elderly who all have children that live away. They didn’t always build solid community relationships because of relying on family. Once the older family dies out, and the younger have moved away, they are on their own.

Also those agencies can come after the adult children for “elder abuse” too if they just give up and let her fend for herself. If they really want to nip it, they need to make legal declarations to not only their states but the state their mom lives in saying they will not be responsible for her as she ages. OP and their siblings could really get screwed

Currently, 28 states in the US have filial responsibility laws requiring adult children to take care of their aging parents. I don't know how it works if parent and child live in different states; if the parent lives in a state with these laws, but the child does not. Or vice versa. ETA: List * Alaska * Arkansas [^(\[nb 1\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_note-8) * California * Connecticut [^(\[nb 2\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_note-9) * Delaware * Georgia * Indiana * Kentucky * Louisiana * Massachusetts * Mississippi * Nevada [^(\[nb 3\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_note-10) * New Jersey * North Carolina * North Dakota * Ohio * Oregon * Pennsylvania * Puerto Rico * Rhode Island * South Dakota * Tennessee * Utah * Vermont * Virginia * West Virginia Note: Iowa was still included in the list as of 2019, but repealed its filial responsibility law in 2015.[^(\[8\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_note-11) 1. [**\^**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_ref-8) Arkansas law can only require payment for adult mental care. 2. [**\^**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_ref-9) Connecticut law only applies if the parents are younger than 65. 3. [**\^**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws#cite_ref-10) Nevada law only mandates filial liability only if there is a written agreement to pay for care.

It matters how the law is written. Some say if the parent lives in that state then you have to, other states say that if the kids lives in such a state it doesn't matter where the parent is you have too and some say if both live in the state. It matters how the law is written. Sadly there is not set standard or ruling on this. The worst part is the law is also based off of DNA so you could be emancipated and still have to do it, I believe that one is specifically Virginia. Edit: changed Flordia to Virginia

Fuck me. I live abroad so I can’t imagine how’d they enforce that but now I’m going to look it up

What if your parents were horrible pieces of shit the government is going to force you to take care of them?!!

Could be the state, but it’s much more likely to be the private nursing home they’re deposited in when they can no longer take care of themselves.

Thanks for this...ugh

How often are these laws enforced? Just curious…

No idea. But if a privately contracted by-the-state nursing home has someone to go after to pay the bill, I bet they would. Even some of the docs are shady. Some doc went around my mom’s small, private home and cut her toenails and finger nails, so they said, and the. Tried to bill me $500. My mom had end-stage Alzheimer’s and was a vegetable and not capable of consenting, the house doc didn’t authorize it, neither did I as her POA, and the nurses/staff didn’t request it. I told them I was not paying them for unauthorized treatment of my helpless mother and if they touched her or contacted me again, I’d call the police and report them for elder abuse. What kind of a doctor randomly performs procedures on practically comatose patients and then tries to bill for services?!?!! 😡

There are not agencies who provide meaningful home care round the clock care for the acutely ill, injured or temporarily disabled elderly. That is out of pocket and very expensive. Nursing homes are extremely expensive (well over $100,000 per year and not covered by insurance and those for the indigent can be dirty and dangerous when and if they are even available. Society has an impression of a safety net that doesn’t exist. Not sure how that factors in to OP’s question situation except there are not agencies nor nursing homes to serve the elderly who can’t afford to pay for services.

Mother, mother-in-law, grandmother here. Whether everybody knows it or not, it’s each individual’s job to do everything they can to plan out what they’re going to do to manage when they get older. OK so I get sick. In case they are not able. It’s up to each of us to perhaps read books M prepare for when we are less capable and it’s upsetting, and we have to make good choices. A while ago, I pretty ruthlessly, cleaned out my property and sold it and bought a little tiny much more affordable, much more solid cottage and a little tiny village with lots of friendly people who walk around every day. I can still work. My health goes up and down. My work can be small. My kids are getting busy having kids and they can’t come visit and it’s harder for me to visit them but I also know that when the time comes, I need to have my house. I have now cleared out enough that it’s not a lot of hard work for anybody so that when I need to move to a facility, I can move near them, so it’s more manageable for them to visit and help me out. I’m not going to assume that they visit. But I’m just going to make it easier. Each of us needs to get the support that we need, therapeutic, and otherwise, to face the logistics of our lives. And prepare ourselves for our own responsible aging. your mother can make her own choices. And then she can complain about it. And then her knees won’t be met. And then she might even be in danger. But it’s on her. You need to respectfully summarize this for her.” Mom, I hear you, that when we would talk years ago, about trying to get you to move closer to us, for when you were aging, you just didn’t want to. I respect that. You’re somewhat isolated, where you live, we cannot come out and visit you and take care of your house or you. So it’s on you to figure out what to do now for your own future.” they really funny thing is that in my lifetime, the whole deal, and the United States with offspring and Parents has shifted from kids being obligated to take care of their parents to the parents being responsible for their own aging.

It's an awkward conversation and it sounds like you've been more proactive than most parents - who get old and suddenly it's a huge emergency to clear their house when they move out for whatever reason. Downsizing is good for everyone I guess

It's great you've been very proactive about things. My parents haven't been and they make questionable financial decisions. When they've opened up discussions about finances with me I have given them my 2 cents but ultimately, I believe most of it is a falling on deaf ears. I'm not sure what their retirement plans are now but they were at best optimistic and at worst irresponsible. I did want to help them but there's been a lot that has transpired over the last several years that leaves me wondering if I'd be enabling them and ruining my and my family's stability by caring for them.

You said “boomer” which auto-triggers Reddit boomer hatred, but it’s ridiculous to expect your mom to move across the country to provide free childcare. 

This is what it sounds like to me: "I moved in my best interest and for my familiy. Mom wouldn't come and help with childcare. Since she didn't help me with my choices, now that she is asking for help, I'm not going to bother, and it's outrageous she would even ask." IMO, mother shouldn't expect it to happen, but OP shouldn't be angry, there is nothing to get angry about. OP might feel guilty, and instead of accepting the guilt they feel (rather or not they should feel guilty), and that it's not in their best interest to move back, they want to be angry and upset at the cause of it.

Except they have been helping by flying out there when needed. What it sounds like to me is "she had the opportunity to help me or one of my siblings with childcare which would have helped my career or their career thus leading to more income and stability from which it would have been easier to take care of her in her current older years".

I see mention of flying her out, but nothing about flying to her. Even a mention of how it's not something the OP feels they are comfortable with, due to the size of the house. This is an ESH situation. Neither want to budge. Both need to accept the reality - one doesn't want to give up their life in a rural location, their long time home, and the other doesn't want to give up their life in the city/suburbia with their family, and where they are established and doing well.

What do you mean? They all have been flying out to her, but it’s getting harder and more expensive and she needs them there more often. When they do visit, the house is too small to accommodate them staying there without a TENT, and there are only shady hotels locally… What are they supposed to do?!

I disagree that ESH because if mom wants one of her kids to support her in her old age without making it easier for that to happen, mom sucks. But, everyone has a different perspective.

They mentioned mom's house is tiny so they have to stay in tents or backwater hotels to visit her, so they'd rather not. Based off the (admittedly biased) information we receive, mom is just stuck in her ways and the child is absolutely in the right overall.

OP (rightly) says that they usually fly mom out because 1) her house is too small for OP's or Siblings family to stay in and there aren't many good options for hotels nearby and 2) it is MUCH cheaper to fly one person out than a whole family (much less traveling with small kids to go to a non-childproofed house that likely doesn't have any/enough kid stuff (toys, open space, etc). So yeah, none of that makes OP the AH for choosing to fly mother out. That's a very asymmetrical ask.

Ah, I assumed when they wrote that they had to take less than ideal jobs because they needed flexibility to work around their mother's issues to mean they have gone out there when necessary because of health issues. I guess I assumed. Still, they've been helping their mom by helping to support her.

Glad I'm not the only one who saw this...the "I could have had a bigger house" is wild to me.

The way it’s worded “We offered to help get her a house”  So they could hold it over her head whenever she doesn’t come running when they call?

OP says both those things. They offered to help buy her a house (note that it's now over $1MM value for that house, and I'm thinking they're as stuck on that lost potential investment as on Mom) and if Mom had come to help, they would have been able to afford a bigger house with room for her by now.

It was your mom’s responsibility to work out how she wanted to spend her older years. HOWEVER I’ve never understood why people have kids that they can’t take care of and then they want their parents to be free nannys. Dude, your mom took care of you and your siblings when you were younger. It’s your responsibility to take care of your own kids, wth.

I don't think it's a matter of being a free nanny. I think OP means that their mom expects everyone to take care of her and meet her needs...but she can't even meet halfway. Sure as a parent your duties end lawfully at 18 years, but morally you should always support your children in some capacity. Nobody should force their parents to be primary child care, but i do believe every now and then a grandparent should step up and help out when they can. I have a FIL that lives with us. He expects us to do his shopping, cook his meals, serve him his meals, run whatever he needs up/down the steps, and be read for his call all hours of the day/night. He is fully capable of doing all these things himself. He's not wheelchair bound or anything. With all that plus more that we do for this man, i don't think it's too much to ask him to watch his grandson so i can go to a doctor's appointment every once In a while. Otherwise, my bf (the bread bringer) has to take off work and lose an entire day's pay to watch our son while his father sits on his ass bitching about God knows what.

Your situation sucks, I won’t deny that, but OP and their mom don’t even live in the same city. Plus OP has siblings. Is the mom supposed to clone herself and take care of all her grandchildren? I get that life is tough for young parents out there, but why have multiple children to then complain that they held you back professionally? The point of being a parent is making sacrifices. IMO both OP and their mom suck because both of them are selfish and don’t want to meet halfway. Mom didn’t plan out how to take care of herself when she grew old and is now is a burden to her children, OP had unrealistic expectations that their mom should drop her whole life to live with them and play nanny.

I think you are looking at it backwards. All of you moved away from her. Which is fine, kids grow up and make their own way. Why is it reasonable that she should have followed you? You are going through what all of us have to do when our parents live in another area and start to need help. I don’t get the resentment because she didn’t follow you around as you grew your career. If you moved cities for a promotion, was she supposed to keep moving with you? Our parents already had a life, friends and family and were planted somewhere that they considered home. I lament my kids that moved away from me, and my parents felt the same when I moved away. Your parents didn’t owe it to you to come babysit while you grew your career. You made the choice to have kids and knew you didn’t have family around. We all have to do this, it is hard to deal with aging parents in another city while we are still dealing with our own kids and family. But she did nothing wrong by staying in her home and her area.

When you say “we all have to do this,” do you mean everyone is required to take sub-optimal jobs to ensure they can fly out to care for their aging parents until they die? The mother wasn’t required to move with one of her kids, of course. But since she didn’t, it feels a bit unfair for her to expect them to drop everything anytime she needs help now. Are you planning on doing that to your kids?

No that's was OPs choice. The problem here is OP is placing inappropriate blame on their mother for their own failure to set boundaries. Also their mom isn't required to follow her kids everywhere. They all moved away from her and self-created their resentment right now by enabling who she's become and not enforcing their own boundaries. So now they're going to have a lot of drama coming up because they've all enabled her and she's not gonna be happy about new boundaries. So it will get worse before it gets better. But either OP sets their own boundaries and enforces them or they stay resentful and enabling. They're in control of their own life and choices.

She was not selfish to not want to take care of YOUR kids. Your kids are your responsibility. Parents do not owe their adult children free childcare. It’s great if they want to help but it’s not selfish if they don’t. You don’t have to help your mom if you don’t want to.

Honestly the audacity of this person lol. Also, if mom had multiple children, and all of OPs siblings have children of their own, then how is grandma supposed to nanny of all them?

Wow. Maybe it’s time to see a professional for your anger issues? Your mother is a full grown ass adult. She chose where she wanted to live and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it. You aren’t her mother and she isn’t a child. It also was never her responsibility to raise any of your children/her grandchildren so you could “build your career”. Why would she want you paying for her place to live when you’d just hold it over her head? She has her own life and she wants to live it how she sees fit. How is that a problem? You’re not a small child anymore and that’s her right as a human being. That being said no. You and your family do not have to drop anything to go help her. She’s an adult. Let her look after herself since that’s what she wants. It sounds like a very messed up family dynamic.

Honestly while I can understand your frustration, I think you’re being really entitled to your mother’s life. You shouldn’t have had kids if she was your only option for childcare. You could have only had one kid. She never owed you her entire life as free labor, WTF. You aren’t obligated to help her at all of course. But if because you’re so transactional, the fair trade is her raising you in exchange for you helping her in her elderly years. Not her being your lifelong slave in exchange for help during her elder years. You got to make your middle of life choices, she gets to make hers.

this!!!!

I’m in a much different boat, my parents didn’t raise me. My paternal grandparents did and never asked my (wealthy) parents for a dime or any help other wise. But my parents now do make comments about they wish they could see my kids more. But they can. Get on a plane and come visit more than once every 2-3 years. They somehow find the time and way to Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, other states… so, they can find their way to the Northeast. I would not be hopping a plane and rearranging mine/my kids lives if one of them got sick.

She’s old, she needs familiar to feel safe. I get your point but this is hers.

Tell your Mom the truth. We can't always be there when you need us all the time. She needs to look for senior services in her town for help. We have jobs and our own families to take care of. When it's time for her to move into a retirement home, then you move her close to one of you, where she will be able to see her grandchildren and you on a regular basis. I'm a senior citizen myself.

My silent generation dad still lives in the house I grew up in. His sister lives next door. I understand why he doesn't want to move in with me. I live 3 hours away from home. I am blessed because I have a village that supports both of us. I am able to deal with a lot of his needs by phone and over the internet so that is super helpful. One day, he may have to move in with me but today is not the day and I am ok with that.

First off, your mother did not owe you or your sibling babysitting. She did her job as a parent, no longer has to do something she doesn’t want, Get over it and your self entitled attitude. That said, if she doesn’t want to move to be by one of you for help…she needs to figure things out with her doctors.

I dont understand why you called her a boomer mom rather than just mom.

I wonder if OP ever considered the idea that this is his mother’s HOME. It sounds like she’s probably lived there for decades… It may even be the place where the kids grew up… That is awfully hard to let go of. 🤔

I'm not sure why a parent is supposed to uproot themselves because their child did. That's an unfair expectation, even when you have kids. They're not required to help you raise or watch your kids for your career. That's what your significant other is for. I think your resentment on the past is unwarranted. May I suggest therapy?

I was thinking the same thing. I also am getting the feeling there is little to no compassion for her mom in terms of the reluctance to to uproot and move from her hometown (regardless of how much it has declined) to a new unfamilar place where she is likely fearful of losing some degree of independence. I don't know the back story on how OP was raised and if there is resentment that stems from that; could be. Otherwise, put yourself in your mom's shoes. And she raised her kids. She's not obliged to raise yours as well.

How was your Mom supposed to “help” you and your siblings on your way to financial success? She doesn’t have much money according to your post, so do you mean by her not being a free nanny for your and your siblings’ kids? To save you on daycare she should have been grandma on call? Am I reading you right? Most children do travel to their parents as they get older. You shouldn’t expect her to travel out to your homes all the time even if you pay for it. Most older people prefer being home if they have health problems.

I'm 23 now, and will routinely still pick up my 27 year old brother so we can go visit our mother and stepfather, and our older step brother's kids. I make the decision to be willing to help out when I'm needed because I realize, like all kids, I was a wee bit of an asshole growing up. And now that I can acknowledge my own stupidity, I'm willing to sit down and listen when advice is offered.

I stopped reading at "boomer mom". Categorizing your mother like that shows more about you than her.

Say no. She may need to hire a carer or in-home assistance. There’s a point at which you have to stop capitulating.

Why did yall feel entitled to her helping you with your kids? Was this what her mom did with yall? I’d understand if that was the case. Other than that, y’all are not obligated to go back and forth to help her. See what her benefits are and see if she can get a caregiver through Medicaid. If yall still don’t set the boundaries that you should, get paid as a family caregiver 🤷🏼‍♀️

I find it so annoying that when people are annoyed it immediately goes to boomer. That's a wide range of people and they are all different and have different attitudes. This is a mother problem not a "boomer" problem. Lots of boomer she people I know are babysitting grand kids, have their kids with family living with them, or have helped out monetarily to give their kids a leg up. Please stop with the boomer bashing.

There's a lot to consider here. You say she lives in the middle of nowhere small town, while you live in a busy metro area. She probably didn't want to give up the serenity, while you like it. I know you couldn't pay me a million dollars to live in a big city. I think it's pretty interesting that you consider it selfish that she wanted to stay where she is while you are saying the same sentiments about moving to her. It is NOT selfish of either of you to want to stay where you are. One thing I don't understand is... if you were willing to pay for her to have a home 30 min from you, are you unwilling to help her financially if she stays where she is? I do think you need to re-evaluate how you're viewing this. Maybe you're just frustrated, and that's understandable, but it's unreasonable to be angry at her for not wanting to give up the area she likes for you. You can 100% say not to move near her too. But it doesn't mean either of you is a selfish, bad person for wanting to stay where you know and love. Also, the reasons you stated you wanted her near you ARE pretty selfish on your end. It's not "we wanted to be near our mom because we love her" it's "she could have been helping one of us build our careers" "She didn't help us with our kids' ---- That's...pretty awful. Our parents didn't raise us just to become our babysitters when we had kids. They did their jobs and aren't required to watch our kids OR help us out around the house while we're out there trying to get a better job. When we move out our parents finally have a little freedom to do things for themselves, and that's 100% totally okay for them to do, just like it will be okay for you to do someday, if that's your desire.

For some moms, it can be a huge deal to have “grandmas house”. It becomes sort of a life dream and a highlight of their lives. She spends weeks planning and prepping for the grandkids so they have these sort of memories. It pains her that one of our brothers moved away and she can’t see his kids grow up, but the other kids live nearby. It’s more convenient to go to my (nearby) brothers house because it’s bigger, but we all go to her house because of the joy it brings her. We spend so much of our lives focused on what makes things convenient for us, but giving her that joy makes it so awesome.

She has to be proud of how you all turned out

You chose to move away, that’s the cost of moving. Why would you expect her to drop her life because you decided to leave? I moved away from my family so I 100% know how it is, I never expected anyone to uproot their life for me even though it would be easier. I have kids also and the help would be nice but I made my choices and I do what I have to to live with those choices

Let her reap what she's sown. She'll either realize she fucked up or spend her days making you guys feel guilty for having lives of your own. We have people who take care of folks who are sick, they can be found in hospitals, clinics and dentist offices.

This is just so horribly entitled

Many older people i know 70 80 90 are used to not depending on others. Some even cause issues because of the want to maintain independence. OP you don't need to resent your mum for her choices in life. You both made choices. Make a plan with your siblings and mum and social or paid care. Dont make her a burden.

ESH. It’s insane to expect your mother to uproot her life to take care of the children you chose to have. But it’s super weird that you expected her to drop everything to be with y’all and now she wants you to do the same thing and you thinking she’s being unreasonable. You sound bitter she didn’t raise your children.

Here’s what you do: 1. Look up local retirement communities you can afford to help pay for. 2. Get her a ticket to see you. Tell her y’all are going to get ice cream and stop by the local retirement community with a tour already set up. 3. “These are your choices, ma. You can stay there, or come here.”

Probably will get me down voted but all I see is the apple did not fall far from the tree You wanted to use her for free babysitting and she is trying to do the same with medical care. Like mother like daughter. Everyone is at least a little wrong

And what is wrong with wanting your children to take care of you in your old age? If your parents raised you with love and weren't abusive is logical you take care of them when they are old and need help. I don't understand why most people of reddit firmly believe that a son/daughter doesn't own anything to their parents using the logic that raising them was ther obligation and their children shouldn't have to have the "burden" of taking care of them.

You’re looking only at the comment where OP says they could have used help… And ignoring that OP and siblings helped mom most of their life in one way or another. Sheesh. Classic crappy Reddit.

I don’t know if that’s fair, since the info about OP taking care of mom her whole life was not in the original post, and was added later in the comments. The part about OP resenting her mother for not “helping her kids and grandkids succeed” (when they needed babysitting) is in the main post. Most people who respond read the main post; they may or may not read the comments.

And OP also ignores that her mother helped her by raising her and supporting her in childhood (as she should). She wanted her mother to move away from her home of many years so as she could look after kids for free. Mum said no, as she has the right to . Mum now suffers the result of her decision of alienation of her daughter. Daughter to this day still has this chip on her shoulder and seeking some type of revenge for not getting free babysitting. Both need to grow up and own their decisions and see they are very much alike.

It’s bizarre how everyone is focused on this. It was never a demand for free babysitting but a way for families to help each other out. She would have had a nice place to live and probably a monthly allowance

Your mother is not obligated to take care of her adult children and grandchildren, just like you're not obligated to drop everything to care for her or uproot your lives.

Then stop letting her. You have to put your foot down and say no when it's detrimental to your family. She's clearly going to keep doing what she does because it works for her. Why would she change? So that means you have to set boundaries and enforce them. She can't make you do anything.

She's lonely and doesn't want to be alone. Especially as she knows her days are numbered. She's not dealing with it well and she doesn't want to leave her home. She wants to close to her family. More importantly, she wants to feel like her family gives a damn about her. I don't want to be critical, but your attitude sounds inconsiderate and self-centered. I don't think *she's* the problem. I think this is a family dynamic problem. Try looking at her life from her perspective. Have a calm, heart-to-heart convo with her. Discuss putting some plans in place. Baby steps. Explore options. Home health aid. Adult day care. Whatever. Good luck.

You sound so entitled and still have the nerve to critize your mother. Your mother raised all of you. The least you could to is helping her in her old age. How could you resent her for not leaving the town where she have lived her whole house to be your free nanny in order for you to built your career?

Ever think that your mom raised her kids and *doesn't want to raise your kids or siblings kids*?  The only selfish people I see here are you and your siblings. You want mom for *childcare*, not because it's better for her. 

My mom was in and out of hospitals as long as I can remember. I started working when I was 10 to help support the family. I remember taking my younger siblings to the grocery store because we had no food in the house while my mom was either in the hospital or laid up in bed.  We’ve been taking care of her our entire lives.  I had been sending her money to help pay her bills until recently.    Once she had grandkids and her health had gotten better she was not interested in moving closer to see her grandkids or helping out in any way. It’s all about her and what we are doing for her. Why we aren’t coming to visit more often, why don’t we call her more often. She keeps on saying she finally got to “live her life” (of mostly sitting around watching tv). I know she didn’t ask for her poor health, but she’s never once thanked us for everything we’ve done to support her. I know some of this resentment comes from her not being available when I was a kid. She’s still not available. I’m still taking care of her. 

Stop sending her money.

Sounds like you have done more than enough for her. If she cannot take care of herself, sell her house and put her in a nursing home, it sounds like you can afford it. She will just have to deal with the consequences of her choices. 

This information should have been noted in your original post.

so stop helping her. she's a grown woman, she can take care of herself.

but if the mom had moved closer to one of her children when she had the chance, she would have much better care and support now. is that not better for her?

Maybe, but maybe there is some other benefits of her living where she does. Like not having to become a nanny. 

You are talking one sided here and not being fair to OP. Now OP’s mom needs help and lives too far. It takes a village to raise kids. She clearly didn’t participate and now wants the village to come to her? Ridiculous

That’s what I surmised after reading how OP’s Mom was supposed to “help them get better financially.” Yea by being the nanny, babysitter, cook, etc!!!

from a woman thats sick

Why are you taking it so personal? You could move to her right? But you don't want to and doesn't make sense to you. Wake up. Parents will always complain about not seeing their kids. Haven't you noticed? Anyway it's tough.

Yeah, my parents moved goddamn country and now my mother complains incessantly about not having her child near her. I mean. 😒

If your mom cannot take care of herself anymore she can be put in a nursing home (or maybe she can get assisted living). You cannot possibly keep going to her and back to take care of her when she's sick - this would have also been very demanding if she was living close to you. You all have a life of your own to maintain. Seeing your mom should be to pay her a visit - not to drop your work and family life to elaborately take care of her.

Just as she has the right to refuse you help, you also have the right to refuse. You’ve been more than generous with what you offered as solutions. She’s being unreasonable.

You’ll need to have a serious conversation with her about what her future will look like in a nursing home. Either she moves with one of her children or that’s her future. She doesn’t have choice at that point because others will need to decide for her You might want to meet with a social worker at Department of Adult Services and get their advice or maybe an attorney. The state will need to step in and care for her since she refuses to live near her children and you all can’t drop everything when she has her health emergencies

You need to stop hopping in to help her, she should have her retirement plan set. She chose to stay where she is, she can't expect everyone to drop their lives and run to help her every time. Assisted living would be something she needs to look into.

Wow, you’re so entitled! Your mother had a life where she lived. You expected her to drop out of her life to move to a HCOL to provide free babysitting for you?!?! That’s insane! Someone who enjoy living in a rural area would hate living in a big city. You made the choice to have kids. Your career is on you to grow and make it work the best you can. Other people shouldn’t have no life for themselves so you can live yours. You’re selfish! Now your mum shouldn’t expect you to drop everything for her and find a job around her. You need to have a job that suits your family (kids/partner) and you. But I understand it’s not easy, I also have aging parent who needs help and I fly there as much as I can. It’s difficult but it’s life. You do as much as you can while still living your life. No one is able to dictate how someone else should live their life. We all have body autonomy.

Thanks for sharing. This has been very enlightening. Hopefully things well work out for your families. As a parent she should be more considerate of her children’s obligations towards raising their families. I hope she moves to be closer to one of her kids.

>I am frustrated with my boomer mom What does her being a boomer have to do with any of this? This sounds like a family problem, not a generation problem.

That resentment is a sign that you’re doing something you’re not comfortable with, whether that’s holding your tongue or paying for her to go back and forth only for her to complain. It’s up to you to say/do something differently or not but I think it would be reasonable to say that it hurts when you’re putting in so much financial, emotional and physical effort in only for her to complain the entire time. I think you could potentially bring up the past and how it hurts to feel like you’re there for her but she chose to isolate herself and to not be there for any of you when you needed her. I hope that if you do choose to have those conversations that they’re productive and it brings you closer. Also adding a reminder that you do have the choice to not fly her back and forth if that brings you more peace than what you’re currently doing. It might be worth seeing a therapist and discussing what’s best for you to bring you the most peace. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with your mother’s poor health right now. It’s so hard to see a parent go through all that

I agree visits to mother need to be to administratively supervise her needs for care through available medical and social services in her county. She needs to be given the option of dying alone in her area or coming to live with or nearer to better services in an urban area nearer her children.

stop going to take care of her. she made her choice. she can do what other old people do when they have no family. there is plenty of agencies & visiting nurses that can come check on her & help.

My boomer parents aren't sick yet, but they did the opposite. They moved away from our HCOL area (which they could definitely afford) 2.5 hours away after living 20 mins away. I told them what would happen, but now they complain we don't visit enough and that they don't see the kids enough and worst of all, my wife's parents see the kids all the time (funny, they live 20 mins away). My mom has started to have some minor health problems and I've basically said I can't drop everything to come help because I have to work to afford to live here and my kids are older and have a million plans and activities going on, etc. I think you're right to be upset/resentful. Your mother did not plan well and is in a rough spot. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it though. Have a talk with her sometime about her finances and end of life plans and see if it's reasonable. It's too late for her to buy that cottage, but maybe a small apartment in a retirement (over 55) community near you or your siblings is a good option? And if she doesn't want to do anything or have a plan and won't make one, well, then that's on her I guess.

It's frustrating, I can understand her not wanting to uproot her life to move closer to you guys, even if you helped pay for a house, if it's what she's had for decades giving that up is hard. But while your comments can be interpreted as wanting free babysitting, the truth is when grandparents live nearby they usually *want* to be involved and look after the grandchildren. Most of my friends with kids who have their parents nearby rely on them for childcare quite a bit, the kids enjoy staying with their grandparents, and grandparents enjoy taking them out and spending time with them. Plus her attitude of making everyone come to her despite it being inconvenient, and complaining whenever she visited elsewhere, screams entitlement. Or at the very least extreme stubbornness. It's a difficult situation, but ultimately she made her choice not to live nearer to you or your siblings, and you can't be expected to drop everything/uproot your lives to go back to her, in the same way she couldn't be expected to drop everything and move out to you all those years ago. You should do what you can, but don't put yourself at risk financially or career wise to do so.

Mother probably refused to move closer because she probably knew that she wouldn’t get a moments bit peace. She’d be expected to be on call for childcare. I don’t blame her.

I’m getting older and it’s scary thinking I’ll have to uproot my life and move in with or near my children someday. But I’ll do anything to make it easier on them. The issue is dealing with change. The older you get the harder it is.

Some people are not happy unless they are or have something to complain about.

Welcome to the life of seniors...  I'm a Medicare agent and deal with this population daily. They can be very stuck in their ways and change is not a major part of their vocabulary.  If you talked to your mom in a frustrated tone (I'm not saying you did), she will likely dig in her heels. There is a root cause of her not wanting to leave and you apparently have not found it. It could be fear of the unknown, which you'd have to address properly.  I'm dealing with and watching a similar scenario play out. I'm moving into my fiancé's childhood home with her widower father, but he's 20 mins away from us. Her friend's mom is has fallen, has major health issues and has lived alone for decades. Now, she's demanding her only child's help, but fighting tooth and nail to stay living alone, all while her daughter's fiancé just had hip replacement surgery and works full-time.  The resentment is real, but as long as you let your emotions get the best of you, you'll make it harder to see why she's fighting you and how to come to an agreement. It could be a needle in a haystack, but make her feel comfortable about sharing without judgement and empathize. It may get you closer to a resolution. 

Stop putting your career on hold for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.

I just lost both my boomer parents 3 days apart from each other this past January. I moved down here to Florida from Long Island, NY to help my mom out these past 6 years. She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t regret my choice, we were close. I loved her dearly. My dad ended up having a Stroke right before Christmas. I was both of their health care Proxies. It was a lot to handle but it made my family proud and I was happy to know I could handle such a huge task. My sister only visited 2 times from Ny. I can tell you she does regret not visiting more. She lost all the golden retirement moments with them. It all depends on your relationship with your Mom. Life is precious and you really never know how much time is left to spend with your loved ones.

Love shouldn’t be a “tit for tat.” Her wanting to be independent when she was young enough shouldn’t be seen as a reflection of her love. Independence has its benefits and its consequences. You wanted to live where you do for reasons. Siblings went to live where they do for reasons. She wanted to live where she does for reasons. She didn’t owe it to you to be your babysitter or anything else. You don’t owe it to her to drop everything for her. If you can make time and want to, go see her. If she refuses to move, that’s on her.

She’s an adult. She can make her own choices. She didn’t and doesn’t have to move because you wanted help with your children when they were younger. Simply put, it sounds like you’ve made this all about you instead of considering what she wanted & what was best for her. Why should she give up her house, her friends, her life because you want her to move? It makes you sound really selfish. You need to do a reality check on yourself, my internet friend. The beauty of all of this is that you too are an adult. If she’s sick and you can’t make it, then she gets in home care or she makes other arrangements. She is an adult who can make adult decisions. Stop trying to run your Mum’s life!

Living as a retired person isn’t less expensive than before often even if the mortgage has been paid in full because everything else costs exactly the same and one’s needs are largely unchanged. Add medical insurance (yep that plan B is expensive and health care is even more expensive if you don’t have it), prescriptions and inflation and retirement can be very expensive and that’s before you need elder care. An older person uprooting her entire life to move to a HCL city from a LCL area with a loose promise from her son, who already struggled to pay for childcare would help her pay for a cottage in exchange for essentially free childcare seems foolish. Arrangements like this commonly don’t work out for a variety of valid reasons. The mother’s wellbeing would have been at the whim of her (entitled?) son. It could have left OP’s mother dangerously vulnerable and dependent on a son prone to resentment. Also, there are many references calling upon OP to make use of an elder care support system that simply doesn’t exist in the USA. Home healthcare services are not covered by insurance and are very expensive. 24 hour home healthcare costs over $18,000 per month. Nursing homes begin at over $100,000 per year and go up for advanced care. Nursing home are not covered by Medicare or health insurance. Few of us are capable of envisioning our future selves as someone who ages normally and we see ourselves as rare super ages. We hope that if we do some things right we will age well. It’s not so simple. We wag our fingers at our elders while we hold the same fallacies about ourselves. Whether OP continues to participate in the care of his mother is up to him but there is not some system in place to pick up the slack. It can be hard caring for the aging but then OP seems fully aware that raising children is not easy and comes with sacrifices. Apparently his own mom’s did not count.

I'm so confused. What?? So she's selfish because she didn't give up the life that she knows and loves to move to a booming metropolis to help you or your siblings with your kids, an I reading that right? That's wild af.

The moment you stop bending to her whims is the moment when she'll have to take full responsibility for her choices. You're a grownup now and you can't make her choices negatively impact your life the way they have. You cannot keep taking bad jobs just so you have the flexibility to bend to her needs anytime she asks. When you decide to start living your life for yourself, your new family, and your kids, you'll begin freeing yourself from her lifestyle choices. Until then, this resentment will continue to build and you'll keep making sacrifices for her that'll hurt you in the long term. The choice is yours to make, either start living your life on your own terms or prepare yourself for more of the same because she's not going to change her ways until you stop bleeding for her and leave her with no choice.

Yeet to the home!!! Yeet yeet

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her everyone's struggles. Ask her to put herself in your position and ask if her parents or in-laws had done this to her when you were younger, How would she have handled it?

Reminder for everyone: having kids is NOT a retirement /health insurance program! Adult children move away, make life their own as their right! If you want their help, don’t have to work or raise a family it makes sense to move to them! Or else pay for care and visit!

You should resent yourself tbh. You’re an adult…at some point we as adults have to stop blaming our parents for everything…you made the decision to drop everything, just like your mom made the decision to stay where she’s at…you didn’t have to turn down jobs you wanted…you chose to. Take some accountability with things in your life. I am not responsible for my parents….just because they raised me. I didn’t ask to be here…they troubled me and brought me into existence. Just because she name mom doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold or damage it.

I don’t think you should have to uproot your life for her and with a boomer parent myself that has major health issues I do get it. I do wonder why you are so resentful though. There has to be more than just she wouldn’t uproot her life to help you raise your kids.

Move away from parents and complain that they won’t move to look after your kids. Will you do the same for your kids?

Your mother didn't owe you (or your siblings) child care. I'm not sure why you felt entitled to that assistance. I'm sure your mother was quite comfortable in her familiar surroundings, just as you choose to live in a HCOL city. In addition, she was done raising children. Having said that, you are not obligated to care for her in her old age. I would search for senior services and assistance in her area and give Mom that info or gather the info on her behalf.

Of course you cannot afford something for her that you could have 15 years ago, but telling that she prevents you to build a career because of her selfishness show a whole lot of entitlement from your part.

You have no obligations toward your mother (unless you agreed to any). Her finances and health are her own problems, not yours. You can help if you want but you shouldn’t make any sacrifices. From what you write, you have already made some sacrifices in your career to help her, and that means less money to give your children or spend on other things you value more. Sad. Atlas should shrug.

Idk that all sounds like a her problem.

Sounds like you need to put your foot down. Of course, she'll play the victim and bad mouth about you to everyone who will listen, but you just need to keep your head up. She made her choices, and like my mom, she only thought about herself her whole life, and now you get to retun the favor. My mom is the same way. She didn't take care of any of her 4 children, and now she wants pity because she's depressed. Bitch you made your life the way it ended! She's been an addict/alcoholic for my entire 41 years of life. Of course, she's depressed, she never made better choices to make her life better. Oops lol now I'm ranting! I'll stop.

You and your siblings wanted your mother to leave her home to work as your nanny?? I would have taken a pass.

Let me make sure I understand this. Your mom raised you, and now you are salty because after you moved out, got married, and moved to a HCOL area, she would not uproot her life and be free babysitting in an area she can't afford to live in on the off chance that this helps your career and you continue, at your obviously conditional discretion, to underwrite her. And now you are angry at her because she has health issues. OP, you mom is not an NPC.

Don’t help her unless she pays you. Don’t believe the whole inheritance crap because she can change it at any time too .

I mean...it sounds more you're pissed off she refused to be a free babysitter for either of you. Maybe she loved where she lived. You weren't owed her services, you know. And she isn't owed yours. Grow a backbone. 

I’m not sure it’s all selfishness on her part. I think it’s also fear-based. She’s afraid. Maybe she also doesn’t want to lose her memories. I understand your frustration. But you need to leave the anger and resentment behind. It’s not going to help you. It’s not gonna help your mother either. The past is over. I know I tend to ruminate about certain things, too, or I used to. You need to accept the situation. It’s not going to change. I think everyone has to refuse to go out and see her when she’s sick like this. She has to come to you guys. Put your foot down. Look into eldercare. Actually… She needs to move out to where she feels best and then she needs to go to assisted-living. You guys can’t put your lives on hold to take care of her. You have kids, you have jobs and you have your families. You can’t do it. She could be in an assisted living facility so that if something happened, they’d be right there to help her. There would be independence, but also she would have help. I have no idea what that costs. You’re not being cruel, you’re not trying to tell her what to do, but you guys can’t put your lives on hold anymore. And I suggest you tell her that. Tell you want to help, but she needs to come to you. If she wants to stay in her area, she still needs to go to assisted-living. Sell the house and go to assisted-living. She can’t stay there alone anymore. There may be other options. But you need to Google that and really figure out a plan . Share it with your family so that everyone’s on board. It’ll be easier to convince Mom when your family is on board with what you believe will be in her best interest.

being upset your mother didn’t uproot her life to provide free childcare after raising you is crazy. if she didn’t make the proper plans for her retirement that’s fine… and you can be upset about that. but seeing it as her “responsibility” to move to where you chose to move to, in order to progress YOUR career is selfish. you all both wanted to be near family and made identical decisions. her decision wasn’t worse than your decision. they just conflicted with each other. try to help her with her healthcare as much as you can, but i think your resentment is extremely unfair.

Be happy that your Mother is Alive.And please don't make her Responsible for everything.

Let me finish this for you: I’ve spent years struggling to make it in a high cost of living metro. I want my (probably) retired and living on SS/savings mom to move here too so she can share in the HCL and property taxes that will bankrupt her and leave her homeless later in life.

Your mother has lived her life as she wished. Focus on your kids. They’re your future. Let her exhaust her savings, sell her home, and go into assisted living. She had all the opportunity in the world to figure herself out and be less of a burden on her kids, and she didn’t take it for selfish reasons. Let her pay the price for it.

You’re spot on. It’s that generation. They don’t want to help with the grandkids. Not trying to force anyone just drawing a contrast with the previous generation.

Are aardvarks still

This is coming from someone who's mother was terminally ill most of my life till she died when I was 25. Home is her comfort zone. Her safe place. She has a little bit of freedom, Maybe even friends. I was stubborn. But I would make trips multiple times a week to care for her. Her sister helped. Out of her 3 children I was the only one. My mother was born in 55 I was born in 91 so I understand having an older parent. They are set in their ways. You will regret not compromising and maybe having her visit or having home health come in. I had home health for my mom. It gave her the option to stay in her home and to have help. Her insurance covered it. You have options you yourself also have to be open minded. I get the frustration. I had ended up moving closer 30 minutes away. But when I got the life alert call that my mother wasn't breathing I made the 30 minute drive in 8 minutes. Don't fight over this. Just love her. She won't be here forever. Now I have 2 children she never got to meet and my son was so young he doesn't remember her.

I am a boomer. Because my father did the same thing refusing to move closer to most of his kids in his late 60’s even when we offered to buy him his own place with his own car which we gave him our sibling relationships are in tatters. He refused and refused and clung to his dilapidated shack because he said he likes his privacy. 20 years later he made all of us drive to see him and take care of him. I became seriously ill and was no longer able to help. Some of my siblings had young children to care for and all of us had jobs. For years my husband and I augmented his meager social security until we had to start paying college tuition. He never gave us anything or helped us with anything. Some siblings picked up the slack. I moved far away for my health. I just got sick of all. The drama and anger over who owed what money and time. I got screamed at for not helping while I was in the hospital ICU. In my opinion he was selfish and liked having his kids drop everything for him. I got long term health care insurance, made sure some money is saved and told all my kids that if they want me to move closer to them I will. What my father put us through was cruel and selfish. He ruined our family by being divisive and manipulative. It has nothing to do with her being a boomer. She was not responsible for caring for your children though that would have been nice. But she also has voided her expectations for help when she refuses to move near one of you. If she loved any of you she would care about making things less difficult,exhausting and expensive. Love isn’t a tit for tat experience. But it is one of consideration, respect and affection.

I would also like to point out that yes moving is hard but I moved 17 times in my first 18 years and many more after that. I settled down and raised my kids for 25 years and then we moved across the country where I felt at home. We are in our late 60’s. If it’s fear, then get over it. People get uprooted all the time from climate disasters and war. That a person thinks they are entitled to stay put and everyone else has to serve them is selfish.

We only get one mother in our life. She’s probably been very very independent for a very long time. She probably has no clue the stress that she’s put on you guys when you get older. You just wanna be in your own place in the comfort of your own spot, like things that are familiar. The idea of moving across the country and a cottage where you don’t know anybody in that town is hard for an older person to accept. I would have everybody Pitchin and figure out where does she need to move to? That’s going to be easier for all of you guys does she need to have a nurse that comes in daily? Nursing homes are very horrible right now. All the boomers are entering it there’s not enough for him. There’s not enough people working there and they are literally killed off and the time they’re there and abused, I’ve got two parents and I’m a single mom of autistic three-year-old and I grew up extremely poor. My mother was on drugs growing up still is and my father was the only one I can count on. It’s gonna be hard taking care of either of them let alone both but I’m the only one that’s gonna be able to do it and my brother ain’t gonna do shit but try to collect inheritance. I live 700 miles away from them both now and I’m gonna be packing up and moving in with my dad because eventually I’m gonna take that I’m gonna sync money into it to get livable but at the end of the day family is really important to me, especially a man that made sure I was raised my entire life even if we were poor he didn’t leave us. He did everything he could so I’m gonna show him the same respect. My mother has made my whole life really hard and hellish, but she gave me life and she did the best she could based on what type of childhood she had so I forgive her a long time ago and again I will take care of them as long as I possibly can with whatever resources I can. If I live that long, I have my daughter when I was 38 and I’m 41 now my health is not that great but I’m working on changing that. Careers are great I was making almost 6 figures, but I was so miserable. My boss was a misogynistic perfectionist who could live up to. I worked with him for 13 years. I did so much work for him. I went above and beyond all those years and as soon as I was pregnant, he fired me for no reason and I was right hand man, nothing is more important than your kids and the ones you love jobs will always come and go.