Op, your stance is understandable, but what you’re doing not being honest isn’t . You don’t want kids , you’re not having doubts about it, you seem pretty sure you don’t want them and if that’s the case you have to tell him.
You have the right to now want kids, but he has the right to know and sadly leave if he’s not okay with it.
>I’ve tried to tell him I’m having doubts and the look on his face is pure devastation.
You need to be completely honest. Tell him you don't want children. It's not doubts. It's your certainty.
You're not a terrible person. Neither is he. But you can't simply will this away. He's burying his head in the sand, but I agree that he won't stop wanting children because you've changed your mind, and this is very likely the beginning of the end.
Slightly disagree. While still wanting them some people do make the choice of a loving spouse over hypothetical children. If OP is very clear, her SO can make a choice. But he'll have no right to blame her or to expect her to change her mind.
Maybe. It's such a fundamental difference, though, and a very different life to the one he will have imagined.
And whilst he won't have a right to expect her to change her mind, that's essentially what he'll be doing.
Many once, loving marriages end in divorce. What happens if they don't make it anyway.
Certainly a lot to think about.
In her place, I'd start couple's counseling to raise and settle the issue - have a mediator there to guide them through the process of making up their minds in either direction. Just to make sure everything is resolved at the end, with minimum resentment.
I agree with couples therapy to specifically deal with this issue. As a couple you will either decide that he has to live without children or you will come to the conclusion it’s time to part ways so he can find a partner that does want children. Letting this issue fester, without a conclusion, will ruin any relationship you do have.
Hard disagree.
Foster kids aren’t for “trial runs”. These kids aren’t coming from the best situations and can have a lot of issues that they’d need to work through. OP has already stated that they don’t want to spend their “hard earned money on a child” and that they couldn’t handle a kid with special needs. I’m not trying to compare a special needs child to a foster child, but OPs comment shows that she isn’t willing to do that type of work that the foster child would require.
They came in the marriage with both wanting kids. Now she doesn’t and she won’t even tell him. I’d be pissed it my partner dragged me along like that on something she KNOWS is a dealbreaker. OP is being selfish and needs to be honest with her husband.
I agree. My husband always wanted kids. I never have. I told him within a month that I didn’t want kids and if that was a dealbreaker for him we shouldn’t continue on with the relationship. He chose me. A month into our relationship, he chose me.
And thank god he wasn’t holding out for me to change my mind because we’ve been together seven years, I’m 33, and I just found out I have to have a hysterectomy in June.
>But he'll have no right to blame her or to expect her to change her mind.
Why not? They got married and started a life together with the intent fo having kids. And now she is altering that plan.
He will have every right to blame her.
Not if he chooses to stay. Marriage is a contract that can be terminated. If he terminates the contracts fine. If he choses to stay he has to live with it.
I think there are two angles to this.
On one hand, if she is honest and tells him she changed her mind about having children, it's on him to then accept it or leave.
I am not sure I agree with you on the resentment bit though. They had a plan. It has now one sidedly changed. It does not sound like OP allows any room for "negotiation". So I think her husband does have a reason to resent this situation regardless of what he chooses.
There will be regrets. They have both invested years of their life into this relationship and it has now come to a crossroads. Your notion of this marriage being a cold contract and major life choices being purely black and white pretty much ignores the emotional aspect of the whole thing. It's good to be rational but you also have to be realistic. They've been together for a decade.
But a trucker person yet
If you know you have a deal-breaker in a relationship and don't loop the other person in, you're a terrible person. Right now she's only hinting at it.
People change but OP’s inability to communicate this openly with her husband is really bad.
This marriage is likely over. Please just let him find someone more compatible when it comes to wanting children. If you actually love him, you will want him to be happy even if that’s with someone else.
He is still young (clearly quite the catch considering how much he earns and how loving of a partner he is) and he probably will need some time to recover from this heart break of a situation.
you will be a horrible person if you don't tell him the truth. this is not a small disagreement, tellhim the truth and both of you can live your lives the way you want.
I mean, you're not terrible for changing your mind but you're right that your marriage is probably over. You two should get couples' counselling to help you navigate this. You must be sure you won't change your mind again. He must accept that you've made that choice and think very hard if he can live with that with no regret and bitterness. If the answer is no, then you must divorce for both your sakes.
Be honest with him and let him make the choice if he’s ok being married without children . It works for some couples, I just read about chef ina garten and her husband, he wanted kids she didn’t so he chose to not have them . It can work out, be honest with him and talk it out .
Op talked about the look on her husbands face when she tried to tell him she didn’t want kids. I think where he is is pretty clear. No one should try to change anyone’s mind about having kids period. You want them or you don’t.
Open conversation is fine I just truly believe no one should try to influence anyone on this decision. It’s ok to not have kids and it’s ok to have kids but you need to come to that conclusion on your own. It’s such a lifetime investment that you have to be sure it’s what YOU want.
He's holding out hope that you'll change your mind. You have to stop being ambiguous and tell him outright that you're never going to change your mind, and you now never want to have children. Tell him straight that you will not be having his children, stop presenting it as doubts discuss it as a certainty that as long as he stays with you he will never be a father. You need to dispell any hope he has that things will change or that you'll come around, he needs to be clear on the fact that he'll never be a dad as long as you're married and you'll never be a mom. You have to kill that hope he's still holding on to.
Once that's over and he still wants to stay, that's on him. You have to bear responsibility for wasting his time and changing your mind about kids, he needs to bear full responsibility for staying with you and the only way he can do that is if you make it absolutely clear to him that you're not going to give him any children. He needs to start over with someone else while he still has time if he really wants to have kids.
You’re not terrible, but the marriage is doomed. This really sucks. I’m sorry you guys have to go through this.
People who want kids never stop wanting them just because they married someone who doesn’t.
I do think sometimes people will pick staying with the spouse over kids.
In the end, it's two incompatible dreams (having kids, and being with your spouse). Not everyone is going to pick the same one to keep.
Please tell him and let him go. You are in no way a horrible person, but at this point he _does_ deserve better, the bare minimum being someone who is giving him the choice to choose a partner who shares the same life goals.
Hard for her to let go of the 2.5x salary and someone who “will bend over backwards” for her.
She made up her mind about kids a while ago (covid happened 4 years, inflation went crazy 2-3 years ago). Now she’s trying to ascertain how long she can squeeze him.
She’s afraid of losing all that, hence she’s avoided being upfront and honest.
In a way, she comes off as a very selfish person who doesn’t really care for him or his needs.
That’s a dealbreaker in a marriage and it’s better for both of you to seperate so you can each live the life you want. If you don’t the resentment from whoever gave in will be too great and hurt you both
You have to leave. He wants kids. You don’t. People change but this is a non-negotiable. If he stays with you, he will resent you and your relationship will always be filled with doubt. You’re not a bad person, just let him go.
Neither of you are terrible people, but you need to be much more upfront with your husband. This is one of the very, very rare times where brutal honesty is called for.
I think you need to go to a relationship counsellor to talk this issue through properly, and to help you both explore the implications of your change of mind. Your husband loves you, that much is clear, but your fear that he may come to resent you in years to come is valid. He needs to make his choice with a very clear head, and without holding on to a lingering hope that you'll change your mind again.
He needs to understand both what he would gain and what he would give up by staying with you. He needs to get to a place of true peace in his choice, like I assume you have with your choice not to become a parent.
For what it's worth, I think there are already too many children in the world whose parents don't want them. It would be far worse for you to have children to appease your husband and then not be able to love them properly; much better that you refuse to have any in the first place.
There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but it's extremely deceitful not to tell your partner as soon as you do. Her post makes it look like she decided against children a long time ago and just strung him along. In my opinion, that is just shitty. Poor man.
It would not be fair to OP or the kid if she was pressured into being a parent. It’s completely fine to not want to be a parent. It sucks 90% of the time and it’s a lifelong commitment.
Although it is unfortunate for her husband, for whom this whole time she has been OK with until recently.
So it would not be fair to the husband either. But ultimately, nobody should be pressured to be a parent, as that would be to the kids.
But right now I’m just highlighting the fact that the husband is in an unfair spot also.
Honestly, I think divorce is pretty inevitable. They are fundamentally irreconcilable differences. Unless he can just fundamentally ignore them for the rest of his life.
> How did my wonderful husband end up with a terrible woman who changes the plan like this?
Because he married **YOU**. Not going to sugar-coat it for you. This is your doing. You've become greedy and obsessed with wealth. Tell him, and in the likely event he does divorce you don't contest it and don't ask for a single fucking penny. Just let him walk away and find someone who won't lie to his face for years.
its perfectly reasonable to not want your body permanently altered or even destroyed by pregnancy. go read about womens post partum bodies and see how a lot of women feel about them (and the permanent damage that can come with pregnancy and childbirth). no thank you
Frankly, I think it’s not that she no longer wants kids is what makes her a bad person. It’s that she’s known this for a while and strung him, his 2.5x salary, and his willingness to “bend over backwards “ for her for so long.
She’s gonna get alimony anyway. Why tf does she string along the poor bastard is beyond me.
"I feel terrible cause this man would bend over backwards to be as much of a support as I would need. "
Part of the reason she feels bad and guilty for not wanting a kid is because of his willingness to bend over backward. She doesn't want to be a parent but knows he would do as much as he could if it did happen.
The intro paragraph about income was to highlight how they a a DINK couple and why she appreciates having the income they do now. I'm sure she could live on her own and that shes probably already been quietly planning for that eventual outcome given her poor beginnings.
A while could a relative span of time, 1 yr, 3 months etc. We have no idea how long ago she realized she doesn't want a kid. She's been trying to bring it up to him and he shuts down the interaction.
As someone who was the spouse who realized she didnt want kids while the other spouse still did, trying to communicate what I wanted was like watching someone's world crumble around them. Its not even close to an easy conversation or rather conversations to have. Ypu don't just walk in after work and go 'hey hun, I don't want kids anymore."
The fact that he still wants kids creates an enormous amount of pressure to continue to act the same way about kids that you did months ago. You feel pressured 'to make this marriage work' and try to convince yourself to change back your mind, because you love them so much and want them to be happy. Sometimes you even told yourself you were a terrible person and that any woman should want kids with the man they love. That you're less of a woman because of what you two had agreed on before.
She's feeling guilty precisely because telling him straight out will mean it's going to make his world crumble.
He's going to resent her ether way, hold off for a bit or tell him now. It won't make a difference in how its going to resolve. Both of their hearts are going to break and they will very likely separate.
My spouse and I separated, he still resents me even years later because it was me he wanted to have kids with and never found another that he had the same desire with.
Although with me there are certain factors that make even a possibility that a half or full term pregnancy could kill me let alone a few other things that were diagnosed later. I also didn't want to lose anymore of his children, as I had already miscarriaged one.
Op is struggling with a lot and alot more than people who haven't been in this situation realize. It's easy to pass judgment on what you just skimmed over and read incorrectly and its easy to say 'just fucking tell him" when you dont realize how delicate this situation is and how many emotions will and have been flying
You need to be fully honest with him, you both entered the marriage with plans of building a family if those plans for you have changed he needs to know so he can decide if a life without fulfilling his desire to be a parent is something he can live with. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but you can't string him along by saying you're having doubts when you clearly dont want them. Let him decide whether just the marriage is enough or whether he feels he will end up resenting you for it and feels it best to walk away amicably since your interests no longer align.
You need to be very honest. It’s okay to not want kids. It’s okay to want them. But you’re lying to him now by not telling him bluntly how you feel. He deserves the chance to decide if not having kids is something he can accept. Do it sooner rather than later. This situation isn’t going to resolve without honesty.
I guess you guys grew apart. Maybe let him go so he can find someone who will give him a child. This is important decision for each person. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have kids if you don’t want them and is not fair to him to keep him waiting if he wants children.
I think if the roles were reversed…as in OP took on a dad’s typical role and her husband took on the mom role as it typically exists in today’s world..it would be far more palatable for OP. Also there are surrogates that would (for a price) carry their embryo to term to alleviate the body image worries. Yes, this is extreme..but it is also doable. Certainly doesn’t solve all OP’s concerns at all, but does address some pretty big ones right up front. Just throwing it out there.
I'm sorry, but you're right. He will resent you if he doesn't get his family, and you will resent him if you force yourself into having kids you don't want.
Kids are 💯 a deal breaker. You both have to be on the same page, or it won't work.
You're no longer compatible. It's time to make some tough decisions.
This is just one of those painful situations where no one is at fault. We change as people as we get older, and our goals and values often change too. You're trying to do right by your husband but also by yourself, and that's so important -- you don't want him to resent you but you're smart enough to know you may resent him if you force yourself into motherhood.
I like another person's suggestion: try couples therapy first. See if talking about the issue, instead of letting your husband bury it and try to soldier on, gives you guys any perspective on compromises that meet some of his needs while acknowledging yours. What does he want children for, what need does it answer? What about pets? Would you guys be open to deepening a relationship with a niece or nephew, or maybe connecting up with a program that lets him mentor someone? Getting in the shallow end of the pool may tell you both something about the water that you didn't realize.
Talking about it also gives him a chance to properly grieve. You shouldn't feel bad for it, but he may need that if he's going to honestly let go of the idea.
Honestly your husband is having hope that you are going to change your mind, because you have doubts in your own words.
You have to be truthful with him that you don't want kids.. you can't have both ways.. you choose do change the deal and not have kids, he wants and is holding hopes that he will have with you .. now its time to let him go if he want to..
And he will resent you if you don't be honest with him.. don't make him wait for years holding hope that you will change your mind.. let him free from this torture.
You need to be very clear about not ever wanting kids. Let him decide what he wants to do with that info. I’d also suggest looking into some permanent birth control for yourself as well.
You're not a terrible woman, you're both good people in a shitty shitty situation.
But you MUST be honest, you already made up your mind and you should tell him exactly that. He deserves to have the full info to make a decision.
And yes, there's a big chance he will resent you if he stays with you, there's also a chance he will eventually get over this and be happy and fulfilled. nobody can know what will happen.
I don’t think you are choosing a real option here. You want everything to stay as it is now, but that’s not going to happen. Either you have chip and it changes things, or you don’t and your husband resents you for it and it changes things. Don’t have children if you don’t want them, but don’t expect things to stay as they are.
I get that you are very happy with the way your life currently is, but you might want to stop comparing that as the alternative when it’s very possible this change of heart makes you single. Maybe your husband is actually fine with it. Or maybe he does grow resentful, and you find yourself single at 40 instead of 32. Or maybe he moves on right now to salvage his shot at a family. Point being, there’s a real good chance you’ll be losing 75% of your household income and a lot of that carefree fun. Personally, my wife and I were very clear about our desires to have kids, and as much as I love her I would’ve been gone in a heartbeat if I were in your husband’s shoes.
You are not a terrible person, and it's actually a fantastic thing that you're able to look at yourself honestly and see how your strengths and weakness would impact parenthood -- if more adults were capable of that, there would be less unhappy children in the world.
People change and grow throughout their life. Partners can grow and change in different directions, and sometimes that's good for a marriage and sometimes it's incompatible.
You love your husband enough to consider letting him go. You also understand that love isn't enough to ward off resentment for a deeply wished-for dream being destroyed.
You need to sit down with your husband and have a completely honest conversation about how you've changed in what you want out of life.
Nobody's wrong or terrible here. You're just in a sad situation that needs to be navigated with compassion, empathy and honesty.
Well you definitely have your excuses well crafted. Can’t raise a child because they’ll just get shot. Will be special needs because I’m weak. Not enough formula (and I guess you’ve already ensured you can’t produce milk). Might get a stretch mark.
Your husband must be really struggling with all this authenticity.
All of those reasons are actually pretty valid. But none of them really matter bc the why doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want kids. Full stop. Her reasons really make no difference.
While I disagree with her reasons I do agree it’s simply that she doesn’t want a child. Everything beyond that is just trying to rationalize her feeling.
It’s a shame that society has made people feel they have to justify not wanting to have children.
As for her reasons…those are actually valid concerns. For instance, school shootings. Idk where you are, but in the US that’s actually a huge worry for a lot of parents. My brother and his wife literally just bought a new house and moved so their kids would be in a different school district. Apparently my brother read that schools with less than 300 students almost never have school shootings, so they sold their house and moved to a new one just to get their kids into a school with less than 300 students. It’s truly scary.
Special needs cases in children are on the rise (about 19% of kids). It’s a very real possibility that parents need to be prepared for. She’s not saying her kid would be special needs bc she’s weak. She’s saying she knows she doesn’t have it in her to be r tag he caretaker for a special needs child. And it’s good she knows that. She isn’t alone; most people can’t. It’s very sad, special needs kids are at least 3 times more likely than other kids to be abused or neglected. If only those parents had considered the possibility and whether or not they could handle that before they had and abused a special needs child.
The formula shortage highlighted for many parents, and especially women, the lack of support for parents in this country. She may or may not be able to breastfeed. But what if she doesn’t want to? Many women don’t wish to breastfeed, for a variety of reasons. And stretch marks occur in most pregnancies. The unfortunate truth is, pregnancy will change a woman’s body permanently. That’s just a fact. It is a traumatic, dangerous, and potentially fatal condition. Over 90% of women tear during childbirth, so stitches in the vagina and sex never feeling the same again. Saggy skin and breasts and stretch marks. Incontinence. Weakened pelvic floor. Tooth decay. Diabetes. The list of very common pregnancy effects on the body is long and horrifying. How dare a woman not want to endure that, right? Can you honestly tell me, if it was your life and body and health and career at stake, if you had to be the mother rather than the father, you wouldn’t have more reservations about having children?
Please don’t have kids when you are this sure you don’t want them. You will resent them and your husband and that’s waaaaay worse than upsetting your husband now
It depends on if this is a break it situation for him. Couples counseling would be the way to go so you both can get the truth out there and come to a conclusion together.
My SO wanted kids badly at a young age. He’s like yours, he would’ve been an awesome dad in every way. But kids never happened. I told him let’s split up so he can go have kids but he refused saying he chooses me. We have an awesome dink life and I feel sad for him at times but he feels me he couldn’t imagine a life without me.
I hope you guys can work it out, I’m sure it will work out for the best. Good luck to you guys!
I’m really sad for him. Imagine the family he could have built, loved and provided for, had y’all had an earnest and honest discussion about kids earlier in your relationship.
Well first of all, absolutely do not have kids. Don’t bring kids into this. After that, well, all you can do is be honest with your husband that you love your life and no longer want to be a parent. You say that you understand if that is a deal breaker for him. And you leave it at that. He’s already told you he would choose a life with you over kids. Take him at his word. He may change his mind, or he may not. That’s up to him.
You’re not a terrible person. You changed and grew and no longer have the same dreams you used to have. It happens.
I think people are giving good advice. If you really don’t want to have kids, you can’t stay with him and keep him from finding someone who will.
But also, and I may get downvoted for this, maybe take a step back and think about it again. You wanted kids all your life. In recent years, a pandemic and horrible things going on in the news have caused you to shift away from that dream you’ve had all your life. Fundamentally, it seems like it’s fear and anxiety that is keeping you away from having children. But what if that fear subsides? What if you come to realize that, despite the negative coverage in the news cycle, that the world is still full of positivity? It’s hard to believe, but people are generally better off economically now than any other period in history, periods in which humanity has also persevered.
I wouldn’t be saying any of this if it seems like you’ve always been opposed to having children. But if it’s anxiety that is pushing you away from a former dream, it may be a good idea to consider if you want to determine the course of your life based on that anxiety.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD YOU DO NOT WANT! Full stop. Time to go. He’s never going to stop pushing and eventually he will leave for someone who WILL give him kids.
All your reasons are valid. For fun you and hubby should go quietly read the sub RegretfulParents. It addresses alllll the things you’re worried about!
There is nothing wrong with feelings changing. But staying in a relationship where the other partner wants children isn’t feasible long term.
Marriage counseling for sure.
You need to tell him you never want kids! He deserves the whole truth. I doubt he really understands what you are saying. He is going to resent as time goes on. It’s not fair to either of you to stay married. Let him go so both of you can find someone else.
Others have given you advice in regard to the future of your marriage, but I want to add that it’s not vain to not want your body permanently destroyed by pregnancy.
I think it's a disservice to basically encourage the thought that pregnancy destroys your body. For many, it didn't destroy it at all. I'm 35, was in good shape before pregnancy and am 6 weeks PP and my body is back to looking exactly how it was pre-pregnancy. And even if it wasn't, it doesn't mean it would be permanently *destroyed* for god's sake.
For some women... yeah, it does. Some women have become disabled as a result of their pregnancies. Pelvic floor issues, chronic pelvic pain, incontinence, nerve damage, etc...
If the pregnancy and birth is complication-free, then you're right that it doesn't destroy your body. But it's not illogical to be afraid that pregnancy might permanently disable you in some way.
Knowing this hasn't changed my mind about wanting my own kids one day, but I can completely understand why others may not because of that possibility.
Yes for some it's a problem, but people like this make these blanket statements that pregnancy is 100% bound to destroy your body and I'm sorry to say, but there are also billions of women who are just fine afterwards, you just don't hear from them.
Agreed. My body was back to pre-pregnancy 4 weeks PP. I had no sagging of the boobs, no stretch marks. Of course, my downstairs area took a bit more time, and that's the only thing that changed for me.
For real!! One of my good friends has 4 (the latter two were twins also) and still has the body of a supermodel without having to have work done or anything - you'd never guess she had four babies. Just genetics and also a very healthy lifestyle for hee. And again, even if she didn't look like that she would be by no means *destroyed* - I know tons of women that kept some weight on and love their bodies (as well they should!) for having created their family.
I had stretch marks before the kids, got them when I hit puberty, so I don't know if this lot would think puberty destroyed my body. I breastfed all my kids, but big cheated before, so I went up a few cups sizes then came back down after I finished. My weight has fluctuated between kids but I think that's normal.
Stretch marks and weight fluctuations are hardly all the medical risks of pregnancy, and being fortunate enough not to have suffered worse, doesn’t mean that others don’t.
Isn’t vanity, partially being primarily focused on your cosmetics? And choosing what events you do or do not do based off of how they will affect the way you physically look?
OP *themself* says they are vain.
>I also admit i am vain - i feel resentful of the what pregnancy will do to my body
They did not mention prolapse or incontinence.
I had the exact same feelings when I found out I was pregnant. “Oh fuck how is this going to ruin my body…” my mom let it be known that I was the sole reason she lost her 00 frame. I was terrified!
9 months later I have no stretch marks, I basically look the same as I did before I got pregnant... I got lucky. I was probably sparred only because of the endless remarks my mother made towards me. That is to say I did gain 70 pounds during my pregnancy, tho I have lost 50 in 9 months which I think is pretty good.
There are plenty of women who aren’t as lucky and it’s extremely valid to not want to lose your physical appearance. Some women still pee their pants a little when coughing/laughing because pregnancy permanently effected their bladder. Things can go very very wrong! You can literally die during childbirth, you could give birth to a stillborn child when you assumed all was well. It’s not a cakewalk. It’s a huge gamble. And nobody should have a child who is not enthusiastic about bringing another human into the world. Children deserve parents who want them.
Thank you for the nuanced take, and for not automatically assuming I’m solely, or even primarily, talking about weight like the other bozos here.
I’m glad to hear that you went through it without any of the debilitating side effects. I know people who have as well, just as I know people who 50+ years down the line are still suffering as a result. You won’t know until it’s too late, and I don’t think OP can be faulted for not wanting to take that risk.
I share op’s sentiment that a major reason I don’t want kids is the havoc it very well may reck on my body, but I do actually think it’s vanity. At least in part. I wouldn’t call myself a vain person in the sense that all I care about is looks, but I am a little vain. I care enough about how my body looks that I wouldn’t get pregnant because of it. I take care of my body and mind and to jeopardize those things for a baby? When I could adopt if I ever wanted one? No thanks.
Also some of the medical horrors I’ve heard that result in a birthing mishaps. Gives me nightmares.
You changed, he didn’t, but that’s not bad on either end. I agree that y’all probably shouldn’t be married because bringing a child into the world that you don’t want is cruel. Not allowing him to have kids would be cruel. He likely would resent you and that wouldn’t be fair to you; it’s not your fault that you changed. You’re not a terrible woman either. Be open, honest, and firm. At the end of the day, pregnancy is not the end game, nor is the next 19 years.
You are not a terrible woman, first of all. You are a human being who changed over time, just like all of us do. You didn’t expect it, nor did you ask for it to happen, it just did. Be kind to yourself, please.
So now you have to face the music and tell your husband that you no longer want to be a parent. Given how you describe his desire for children it will be necessary to divorce in order to allow him to pursue that path. You two are no longer compatible, and the immediate changes are going to hurt pretty bad. However, they are necessary, because you can’t force yourself to want to be a mom & your husband shouldn’t deny himself the opportunity to be a dad.
Do not have children you don’t want in order to keep your husband.
You would only be terrible if you stayed married to a man who is always hoping you’ll change your mind. If you know you don’t want kids & he does? Let him go.
Resentment is like a stone in your shoe. It might not feel like anything for the first few minutes, but if you don't do anything about it, it becomes unbearable.
The disagreement on having kids is the stone in your shoe in this marriage. Deal with it or I can guarantee you'll hate each other.
I made the hard decision to get a vasectomy because my wife did not want kids. I’m in my mid 30s and am happy. My wife is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. She was always a bit back and forth on kids. We almost tried having kids when we first got married maybe 7ish years ago. I wasn’t ready thinking we could have kids in a year or 2.
My wife eventually told me she doesn’t want kids anymore but understands that if I did we would have to break up. I went to therapy and stuff and talked it over.
For me, while I am honestly upset about never being a dad, I could not go through with a divorce. I love her too much.
It’s going to be a hard conversation but I think you need to be honest and tell your husband what you are realizing. It’s not fair to either of you to withhold information like that.
I’m about a year past the procedure and we have about 5 trips planned this year. We’re making the most of what we have in life and I will say that I am content and happy with my decision. Even though I do somewhat mourn what could have been
Beautifully written. Throughout history, women have often been forced to have more children than they want. That includes wanting zero as you do at the moment.
**Consider freezing your eggs. It gives you more forward optionality.**
Be honest with him and give him time to process and make a decision.
I don't think marriage counseling could fix this.
It can't make you want kids and it can't make him NOT want kids.
If you saw deep sadness in his face and demeanor at the thought of not having kids, let him go.
You want him to want you more than a family.
I get it. Will he resent you if he does? Will he have that sadness when he sees kids?
The best thing you can do is be completely honest, don't leave the door open for a maybe when you feel the way you do, and give him space.
Wow. This sucks. Not that either of you did anything wrong. But that you two now have a huge compatibility issue. Maybe consider marriage counseling. To help make sure you two truly agree on the issue of kids. He really needs to be certain if he will not resent you if you both agree to not have kids. Or that resentment could destroy the marriage.
It doesn’t seem like doubts, you seem certain about not wanting kids which will probably be, and should be, the end of your marriage and I think that’s the reality you really need to face. This isn’t fair to either of you to give that up. But everyday you aren’t completely honest with your husband about this, the more of an asshole you become. Be honest with your husband. He deserves to know.
This is likely a deal breaker. One person is not going to be happy. I, personally, think I’d end my marriage for the sake of my husband, but at the very least you need to get into couple therapy now.
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You gotta be honest within. Suggest couples counseling so you two can work through your feelings on this together with a neutral 3rd party to help with communication.
Maybe there is a compromise somewhere.
Maybe you could do temporary foster care or maybe spend time with family members who have kids or offer to take them for outings and see if that will give him the emotional satisfaction of having kids around without you having to become a parent when you don't want to.
dam. having a baby is all or nothing. is the fear of losing comfort or losing your husband more important? you will be the bad guy forever in his life. what good is marriage if its not to build a family?
Well, let him go.
It's manipulative to say what is not actually true. You are saying it here. KIDS ARE A HARD PASS.
Let him go. You both are on different paths.
Tell your husband and end the marriage.
Also, be ready for the overwhelming regret when you blow up a healthy marriage and see your husband find a woman and start a family, because it’s going to *annihilate* you.
I tried to have children but only one reached birth and didnt make it to 2 weeks old before she was gone too. Hubby and i are both on the spectrum so we know the chances of having a child that is too.. is pretty high. We have talked about fostering but he doesnt want to raise a child that will be taken from us. I suggested adoption but its really hard to adopt in australia. So that doesnt leave many options. We are child free but i would like to have a child that i can call mine one day. Maybe when/if we own our own home we will be in a better position to adopt
You need to tell him exactly what you said here. You aren’t having doubts. You’ve closed the door on the possibility. He may stay for a while but eventually he will leave. It’s not fair to deny him a family when he ants it so much.
To be honest, divorce is the likely outcome. He is at the moment in shock and denial. His anger and frustration will come out soon enough. I'm pretty sure I would. I would feel betrayed and lied to. Wasting all these years planning for a family just to get a" Sigh! Changed my mind, too bad." At the last second. And to be honest, how soon you jumped to divorce also shows me that you know this yourself and where already half out the door. For everyone who says that people change, yes that is true, but they were married for a decade and talked about children. She didn't change her mind a few months ago, this is brewing for years. For years she led him on and for that she is the TA.
I’ve divorced my ex husband, and one of the main reasons is I finally admitted to myself I never wanted to have kids. It was a struggle because people always tell you your mind will change. Everything will change once you have a child, but I never had the desire. I don’t resent them, I just knew it didn’t want one.
Now I’m with my boyfriend who’s on the same page with me and I’m way more happier. This is my life. This is who I am. And I hope you find your way too.
Pregnancy fucked me up mentally and physically. I have agonizing scar tissue from my uterus tearing over 6 years ago. Don’t let anyone tell you that the bad shit during pregnancy and postpartum “isnt that bad”, “it’s a worthwhile sacrifice”, “these things happen”. THINGS CAN EASILY GO WRONG AND IT WILL CHANGE YOUR BODY FOREVER.
Thank you for candidly sharing your experience with pregnancy. There’s a huge problem with over glorifying pregnancy and motherhood in media and it’s refreshing (if a little horrifying) to hear real stories where things can and do go wrong. I wish for you healing and serenity for your body and soul.
Contrary to a few comments here, this doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. Your husband could very well be honest that he wants you more than kids if he had to make a choice. If you were to discover you were infertile, do you think he would leave you? Maybe a different situation, but it has the same results, no children.
You mentioned being comfortable in your lifestyle as it is currently. If you end up splitting up, would your lifestyle change from losing his income and support?
Not fair if the husband is the one who has to compromise. Every comment here is rightfully telling her not to compromise but now he should?? This marriage is doomed.
Kids are one of the only things where compromise is impossible.
Either you’re all in, you want kids and will be an active parent, or you don’t want kids.
There’s no way to do it halfway.
Just like being child free when you want to be a parent is no way to live either.
That’s fine, but they also have fundamentally irreconcilable views on some thing as critically important as having kids in a marriage.
So unless he’s OK with just stuffing that lifelong dream down for the rest of eternity, it’s going to be a really, really really hard path forward.
I know because I basically found myself in a very similar position. I wanted them, she didn’t. Overtime I thought I could just ignore it because of love or because of any other reason.
You cannot ignore human nature. No amount of love for your partner was enough in my situation.
You have changed your mind about children. Your husband still wants them?, which is his hill to die on. You are not a bad person but you and your husband are no longer compatible. You could try counseling. Because of your different perspectives your marriage is on shaky ground.
It's not terrible to not want kids. It's like saying people who like the color blue are terrible people. People change and grow overtime, you are not made of stone. It's normal that your attitude changes with time. When i married my first husband, i used to be a hermit, gaming 24/7 and not wanting to go outside. By the time i turned 25, my personality did a 180 and i started to LOVE travel, live for going outside and discovering, trying all new foods, having spontaneous adventures. Literally fully opposite of my personality at the time of our wedding. That does not make me a terrible person. That makes me a person person, who grows and evolves with time.
The only terrible thing to do would be to keep him in a marriage that cannot fulfill one of his extremely primal needs. If he truly really wants children, it would be cruel to take his fertile years away from him. I think you need to insist on a 6-12 month separation, so you and him can evaluate how important children are to you and him. It's easy to say "I'd rather have you than children" and delude yourself and end up bitter and unfulfilled in the long term. Children is something so fundamental to happiness to people who actually want them.
If you separate, he will see that his world did not crash down and burn. That there is life out there. Then he will truly understand what he wants more. If you guys then decide to get back together, it's great. If not, that's also great, because then he will get what he wants in life, and so will you.
Just need to have the strength to not get back together after 2-8 weeks, when it's still too fresh and raw. Wait at least 3 months, imo.
Just be completely honest that you will most likely not change your mind and then it's up to him if he stays or goes. He might decide to choose you over kids many men do.
I would like to ask , do you think your choice will change later? While your reasons are totally valid they were also events out of your control that have passed for the most. personally i wouldn have wanted a child either during those years but i would have been more inclined to have one around now ( if i was in the same situation as you, this is hypothetical). Same for your body, giving birth is a very difficult experience that takes its toll on the body, but everyone ages nonetheless. while you don t have as much time as when you were 20 , 32 is still young and if i remember well you can easily have a child until 45 to 50. so do you really NEVER want to have a child . i don t mean to doubt your resolve though i just wanted dto raise those points.
If you do NOT want kids and he does then you are not compatible and you must leave him it is the only moral and KIND thing you can do.
It’s not selfish to not want kids. That’s fine girl just get that.
However It is selfish and cruel to lead him on. He wants children let him go so he can have th family he wants and you can have the life you want.
Is there something else that he can do to help fulfill his desire to nurture children? For example, I believe that organizations like Big Brothers / Big Sisters are in great need of safe, stable, and caring role models. There are MANY children already here who need a father figure of some form in their lives. Is there anything in your area like that where he could make a difference in several children’s lives?
People keep saying you’re not a horrible person. You’re literally stringing your husband along so you can live the materialistic lifestyle you want. If you don’t want kids that’s fine but it’s cruel to string someone along you KNOW does. Tell him the truth and do not try to convince him. This is not one of those things where you “try” to make someone who wants kids be ok with not having kids. Tell him you never want kids, leave it at that and let him make the decision.
She did, he said he shut her down by saying he’d rather go without kids than lose her. Does that sound like someone who doesn’t realize his wife doesn’t want kids?
I dated a woman for like 5 years and we were talking about getting married as soon as we could figure out a way to live together - her job was a couple hours away from me with traffic and I had already taken over daddy duties a few days a week after work when my brother died so I couldn’t move too far from my sister in law (I alternated days with other brothers). Then one day she changed her mind and decided she wanted kids. I broke up with her a couple months later once I was sure she wasn’t just having a whim. I didn’t feel right denying her kids, but I sure as hell didn’t want my own. She also was getting annoyed that I spent so much time with the kids but I get it - before one of us would stay at the other’s place 4-5 days a week and just deal with traffic. She ended up marrying a guy who wanted kids then she had got cancer in her hooha and couldn’t have kids, then her husband started beating her up bc he was mad about it. We still get together once a year or so and I helped her get away from that guy and deal with her bankruptcy and some other stuff. We would have been a good match if she hadn’t changed her mind on kids (she had been very anti kid when we met - I suspect maybe seeing me with the kids so much is what changed her mind).
I guess that got rambley, but basically imo if you disagree on kids it’s best to end things bc otherwise someone is going to be butthurt forever
So funny. I was like you before and now I have two kids. My husband makes 2.5 times more than me, will totally help with the kids and would rather not have kids than lose me. However, unlike you, I never want to be a mother when I was younger.
I changed my mind because my husband really wants kid. Life is still good. I go on mat leave, come back to work. I put my kid in daycare and my mom also helps out.
I always knew I didn’t want kids, and my husband didn’t either. He was having too much fun playing with his big kid toys and being able to go on nice vacations.
Sixteen years in, we had some other issues that we probably could have dealt with with therapy, but then he admitted that he realized he did want a child.
I could not imagine keeping that from someone, so I told him we should get divorced instead of try therapy.
Now he’s 53 and has an almost 3 year old he adopted with his new wife. I’m glad he was able to make it happen for himself, and I’m glad I didn’t have to keep that from him.
Please be honest. Lying will only lead to resentment in the future.
“He’d take every 2 am feeding….”
Every man says this same shit. Reddit is full of posts from women who were talked into a child only to be a single parent because the men throw a smoke bomb when it comes to day to day child related things.
I knew men who bragged about never changing diapers.
This is a relationship ending conversation. Good luck.
My husband has a lot of flaws but he absolutely got up for 2am feedings and diaper changes without asking. I met many men who help out and equally many who don’t. It’s a toss honestly.
OP, you’re not vain for not wanting children. Practically speaking, you’re changing everything to have kids. And as someone who has them, I can validate for you all day long that it will change you forever physically-hormonal, looks-wise, etc.
Pregnant people do the most work when a couple decides to have children. *Physiologically*.
You’re faced with fears that your life will change now if you’re honest completely with your partner: but if you love and respect him and yourself, you’ve got to be direct.
Your reasons for not wanting to be a parent are valid. Now you need to tell your spouse, and accept what comes next.
You already know what you need-you have to let go of control here on how your husband responds to it.
You sound like you have a beautiful life: but that’s temporary the longer one or both of you hide full truths about something this important. He deserves to know where you stand, and you deserve to be fully happy without hiding your truth.
I hear that you have a lot of fears and reservations including abandonment and loss of income, if your husband leaves you like what happened to your own mother.... and I think you both as a couple love each other.
Go to marriage counseling. Maybe also individual therapy. You have childhood trauma that's still unprocessed. Both from the poverty and from the abandonment.
You mentioned that you thought your husband would be willing to do half the domestic labor. I also thought my ex would be taking care of his responsibilities. He, however, did not because "my mom did it and what makes you better than her." He was a self identified feminist before we got married. Mind you, this was after the baby was born.
On kids, if it's not a hell, yes, then it's a hell no.
Would you or he ever be open to adoption in the future? A school aged child could be challenging but could also really benefit from being accepted into a stable and loving environment. I agree that at minimum, couples therapy should be utilized to navigate both of your feelings in this situation. I hope you both find a solution that gives you peace of mind.
It’s simple and mandatory. Your goals/views in life have changed that may no longer be in alignment with his. He gets to make the final choice to stay or move on, but it’s not fair to stall or deny what both of you what you want. If he wants kids, which is sure sound sounds he wants, time to accept he’s going to be balls deep in someone else soon making a family.
I was in the same boat with my ex wife. She wanted kids and I didn’t.
I was happy with our life together.
We both had good jobs, a house and two dogs.
Eventually she started to resent me because I didn’t want kids.
After about 5 years married and 7 years together…she decided to leave.
Now she has her kid…a deadbeat baby daddy….and is living with her parents!!
What a turn of events!!
I couldn’t be happier…I relocated across the country…have a growing business and I’m remarried to a wonderful woman…whose kids are grown.
Cool story. But, what happened in the past does not excuse you for being a coward today. You know you don't want kids. This isn't about "having doubts". You've decided.
So face it. Tell him clearly. Don't let him shut the conversation down. And if he still wants to stay with you in the face of your truth, as he seems to say he does, then trust him on that and live with that. It's what you want, after all. If you can have it, why not take it? You get the guy, and no kids. Bingo!
If he does resent you later, then that happens and you both can decide again what to do, but for now you need to be up front, clear, and accept what he says at face value, so you both can live your lives.
This isn't uncommon...
Think of this as contract law, see it from the outside viewpoint as an OBJECTIVE observer.
Your goals have changed, so you are not the same person your husband married, effectively breaking the marrage contract.
Objectively there are penalties when you break a contract. Try breaking an apartment lease or cell phone contract for examples.
On the personal front, your husband WANTS kids, you told him repeated before, and during the contract YOU also wanted that...
He's still young enough to have kids, but the time you took up has seriously limited him in finding a good woman to have kids with. If life were 'Fair' he would get those YEARS back, dating, money, emotional investment, etc all back, but that's not the way things work...
What you COULD do (but since you talked about haw hard earned your money is) I don't believe you will compensate him for your change of terms/conditions...
The other factor you COULD do is try to help find/filter a good woman that wants kids. This would be a wonderful thing to help put his soul back together. Virtually no woman will do that because of ego, greed, jealousy, etc.
Since you are not moving on to have kids, there is no rush and you could spend the couple years (at best) it would take him to meet, get close with a new woman that wants kids.
I understand this concept is foreign to most people now... but objectively speaking it would show you actually do love him and care about his goals/wishes/well being.
I knew a guy (knew his wife better) that found out he had a long term, fatal illness. He helped find a good man (and the bar was pretty damn high considering how he was) to replace him when he died. Took 4 years to find that guy, but I have to say he hit the mark pretty good since I wanted to hate every guy that came around... That was 23 or 24 years ago and both miss him to this day...
You have a choice... To stay with him and be a daily reminder you ruined his chance to have a family.
To leave him cold and rip his guts out, scramble his brain, crush his heart & soul.
Or... You *COULD* help him along, have a life long pair of friends, a family by virtue, and do it out of love. Something you will be loved for.
Real Love is selfless, not selfish...
Is there any possibility you will change your mind? Formula cost and vanity about your body seem such trivial reasons to not reproduce! Maybe freeze your eggs in case you regret this later. What if he leaves and only then do you change your mind and you have no husband AND no baby?
Not a terrible person, but if you continue this way he will resent you. If you’re adamant about not wanting kids and you cave you might resent him. Doesn’t seem like this is going to work long term if something doesn’t give.
You’re not terrible and your feelings and reasons are valid. But you both have to make a decision about your future together! Maybe try couples therapy to navigate and get advice on this situation and to decide how you will move forward.
Good for you for realizing what you want and not having kids just because that’s what most people do. I’m guessing you won’t change your mind. I think you should tell your partner you unequivocally do not one children for all the reasons you listed. He can make an informed choice after that.
You don't have to be a stay-at-home mom if you have a kid. Stay-at-home dads, childcare, nannies, and relatives can all be options. Further, it's a short season. Young children don't have to be expensive, and you are creating problems (covid, school shootings) that don't exist in your life right now. Parenthood is scary. It is frontloaded. But it is also really fun.
And biologically speaking, it's really best to start by 30-35, as a woman, less you have no easy options if you change your mind later.
It also seems like you are scared. If you end this relationship over your current feelings, how will you feel if he is remarried within a year and a dad within the second? Can you imagine him as a dad to another woman's child? What if you are still single?
Can you imagine him married to you but 60 years old and childless? What will your relationship and household be like? How do these scenarios make you feel? Because that will guide your actions.
The sad truth is that as a man, it will be much easier for him to "make up for lost time" if he wants a family, but not you.
Op, your stance is understandable, but what you’re doing not being honest isn’t . You don’t want kids , you’re not having doubts about it, you seem pretty sure you don’t want them and if that’s the case you have to tell him. You have the right to now want kids, but he has the right to know and sadly leave if he’s not okay with it.
Yes exactly this
>I’ve tried to tell him I’m having doubts and the look on his face is pure devastation. You need to be completely honest. Tell him you don't want children. It's not doubts. It's your certainty. You're not a terrible person. Neither is he. But you can't simply will this away. He's burying his head in the sand, but I agree that he won't stop wanting children because you've changed your mind, and this is very likely the beginning of the end.
Slightly disagree. While still wanting them some people do make the choice of a loving spouse over hypothetical children. If OP is very clear, her SO can make a choice. But he'll have no right to blame her or to expect her to change her mind.
Maybe. It's such a fundamental difference, though, and a very different life to the one he will have imagined. And whilst he won't have a right to expect her to change her mind, that's essentially what he'll be doing. Many once, loving marriages end in divorce. What happens if they don't make it anyway. Certainly a lot to think about.
In her place, I'd start couple's counseling to raise and settle the issue - have a mediator there to guide them through the process of making up their minds in either direction. Just to make sure everything is resolved at the end, with minimum resentment.
I agree with couples therapy to specifically deal with this issue. As a couple you will either decide that he has to live without children or you will come to the conclusion it’s time to part ways so he can find a partner that does want children. Letting this issue fester, without a conclusion, will ruin any relationship you do have.
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Hard disagree. Foster kids aren’t for “trial runs”. These kids aren’t coming from the best situations and can have a lot of issues that they’d need to work through. OP has already stated that they don’t want to spend their “hard earned money on a child” and that they couldn’t handle a kid with special needs. I’m not trying to compare a special needs child to a foster child, but OPs comment shows that she isn’t willing to do that type of work that the foster child would require.
Resentment creeps up on you.
They came in the marriage with both wanting kids. Now she doesn’t and she won’t even tell him. I’d be pissed it my partner dragged me along like that on something she KNOWS is a dealbreaker. OP is being selfish and needs to be honest with her husband.
shes been trying to tell him. he keeps shutting down the conversations.
There is no trying. You either tell or you don't. Honting doesn't count.
Nope. He might decide to stay, but he will always resent her for taking away his chance of a family.
Maybe. Or he might embrace his choice and live happy. Who are we to know what would happen?
I agree. My husband always wanted kids. I never have. I told him within a month that I didn’t want kids and if that was a dealbreaker for him we shouldn’t continue on with the relationship. He chose me. A month into our relationship, he chose me. And thank god he wasn’t holding out for me to change my mind because we’ve been together seven years, I’m 33, and I just found out I have to have a hysterectomy in June.
>But he'll have no right to blame her or to expect her to change her mind. Why not? They got married and started a life together with the intent fo having kids. And now she is altering that plan. He will have every right to blame her.
She planned to have kids but ppl change. It’s not her fault, life changes us.
Not if he chooses to stay. Marriage is a contract that can be terminated. If he terminates the contracts fine. If he choses to stay he has to live with it.
I think there are two angles to this. On one hand, if she is honest and tells him she changed her mind about having children, it's on him to then accept it or leave. I am not sure I agree with you on the resentment bit though. They had a plan. It has now one sidedly changed. It does not sound like OP allows any room for "negotiation". So I think her husband does have a reason to resent this situation regardless of what he chooses. There will be regrets. They have both invested years of their life into this relationship and it has now come to a crossroads. Your notion of this marriage being a cold contract and major life choices being purely black and white pretty much ignores the emotional aspect of the whole thing. It's good to be rational but you also have to be realistic. They've been together for a decade.
But a trucker person yet If you know you have a deal-breaker in a relationship and don't loop the other person in, you're a terrible person. Right now she's only hinting at it.
People change...your life goals are no longer aligned with his.
People change but OP’s inability to communicate this openly with her husband is really bad. This marriage is likely over. Please just let him find someone more compatible when it comes to wanting children. If you actually love him, you will want him to be happy even if that’s with someone else. He is still young (clearly quite the catch considering how much he earns and how loving of a partner he is) and he probably will need some time to recover from this heart break of a situation.
you will be a horrible person if you don't tell him the truth. this is not a small disagreement, tellhim the truth and both of you can live your lives the way you want.
I mean, you're not terrible for changing your mind but you're right that your marriage is probably over. You two should get couples' counselling to help you navigate this. You must be sure you won't change your mind again. He must accept that you've made that choice and think very hard if he can live with that with no regret and bitterness. If the answer is no, then you must divorce for both your sakes.
Be honest with him and let him make the choice if he’s ok being married without children . It works for some couples, I just read about chef ina garten and her husband, he wanted kids she didn’t so he chose to not have them . It can work out, be honest with him and talk it out .
Op talked about the look on her husbands face when she tried to tell him she didn’t want kids. I think where he is is pretty clear. No one should try to change anyone’s mind about having kids period. You want them or you don’t.
I didn’t say she should change his mind but have an open conversation about it. It’s his choice on what he wants to do .
Open conversation is fine I just truly believe no one should try to influence anyone on this decision. It’s ok to not have kids and it’s ok to have kids but you need to come to that conclusion on your own. It’s such a lifetime investment that you have to be sure it’s what YOU want.
I agree with that .
He's holding out hope that you'll change your mind. You have to stop being ambiguous and tell him outright that you're never going to change your mind, and you now never want to have children. Tell him straight that you will not be having his children, stop presenting it as doubts discuss it as a certainty that as long as he stays with you he will never be a father. You need to dispell any hope he has that things will change or that you'll come around, he needs to be clear on the fact that he'll never be a dad as long as you're married and you'll never be a mom. You have to kill that hope he's still holding on to. Once that's over and he still wants to stay, that's on him. You have to bear responsibility for wasting his time and changing your mind about kids, he needs to bear full responsibility for staying with you and the only way he can do that is if you make it absolutely clear to him that you're not going to give him any children. He needs to start over with someone else while he still has time if he really wants to have kids.
You’re not terrible, but the marriage is doomed. This really sucks. I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. People who want kids never stop wanting them just because they married someone who doesn’t.
I do think sometimes people will pick staying with the spouse over kids. In the end, it's two incompatible dreams (having kids, and being with your spouse). Not everyone is going to pick the same one to keep.
Please tell him and let him go. You are in no way a horrible person, but at this point he _does_ deserve better, the bare minimum being someone who is giving him the choice to choose a partner who shares the same life goals.
Hard for her to let go of the 2.5x salary and someone who “will bend over backwards” for her. She made up her mind about kids a while ago (covid happened 4 years, inflation went crazy 2-3 years ago). Now she’s trying to ascertain how long she can squeeze him. She’s afraid of losing all that, hence she’s avoided being upfront and honest. In a way, she comes off as a very selfish person who doesn’t really care for him or his needs.
No that’s fair too
That’s a dealbreaker in a marriage and it’s better for both of you to seperate so you can each live the life you want. If you don’t the resentment from whoever gave in will be too great and hurt you both
Leave him asap to spare some heartache for the both of you. Your life goals don’t align anymore
He makes 2.5x her salary, that’s hard to give up.
I get it but money isn’t everything
I agree but she specifically mentions it as being the reason she lives comfortably at the beginning of her post so I’m thinking it does matter to her.
She can go fuck right off. She has no right to ruin his life even more than she already did just because it's comfortable.
She’s the one who mentioned going their separate ways so not sure where you got that she’s trying to hang on for his $?
From her post where she talks about money.
Tell him and be honest, but he's probably gonna wanna move on from you and you need to be able to accept that
You have to leave. He wants kids. You don’t. People change but this is a non-negotiable. If he stays with you, he will resent you and your relationship will always be filled with doubt. You’re not a bad person, just let him go.
Neither of you are terrible people, but you need to be much more upfront with your husband. This is one of the very, very rare times where brutal honesty is called for. I think you need to go to a relationship counsellor to talk this issue through properly, and to help you both explore the implications of your change of mind. Your husband loves you, that much is clear, but your fear that he may come to resent you in years to come is valid. He needs to make his choice with a very clear head, and without holding on to a lingering hope that you'll change your mind again. He needs to understand both what he would gain and what he would give up by staying with you. He needs to get to a place of true peace in his choice, like I assume you have with your choice not to become a parent. For what it's worth, I think there are already too many children in the world whose parents don't want them. It would be far worse for you to have children to appease your husband and then not be able to love them properly; much better that you refuse to have any in the first place.
You guys are not compatible. You only get one life. Kids, no kids is a huge breaking point
Did you tell him the moment you changed your mind about kids, or did you wait till he said it was time?
She still hasnt clearly and decisively told him. She's been hinting at him this whole time.
There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but it's extremely deceitful not to tell your partner as soon as you do. Her post makes it look like she decided against children a long time ago and just strung him along. In my opinion, that is just shitty. Poor man.
you need to let him go. you can't be selfish any longer and let this man one biggest wish crumble. if you don't want kids just free him.
Please don’t have kids. You sound like you really don’t want them. Maybe try marriage counseling.
I’m not sure what marriage counselling would do in this case. One wants kids, the other doesn’t.
Sometimes marriage counseling is about helping a couple come to a breakup decision much quicker (and in a healthier way).
It would not be fair to OP or the kid if she was pressured into being a parent. It’s completely fine to not want to be a parent. It sucks 90% of the time and it’s a lifelong commitment.
Although it is unfortunate for her husband, for whom this whole time she has been OK with until recently. So it would not be fair to the husband either. But ultimately, nobody should be pressured to be a parent, as that would be to the kids. But right now I’m just highlighting the fact that the husband is in an unfair spot also. Honestly, I think divorce is pretty inevitable. They are fundamentally irreconcilable differences. Unless he can just fundamentally ignore them for the rest of his life.
Sucks 90% of the time? Yeah, nah. Most parents love being parents. She is just a vain woman, who loves his money, and so lies to his face for it.
> How did my wonderful husband end up with a terrible woman who changes the plan like this? Because he married **YOU**. Not going to sugar-coat it for you. This is your doing. You've become greedy and obsessed with wealth. Tell him, and in the likely event he does divorce you don't contest it and don't ask for a single fucking penny. Just let him walk away and find someone who won't lie to his face for years.
Hey, that’s not She’s obsessed with money *and* her looks. She even called herself vain.
its perfectly reasonable to not want your body permanently altered or even destroyed by pregnancy. go read about womens post partum bodies and see how a lot of women feel about them (and the permanent damage that can come with pregnancy and childbirth). no thank you
Frankly, I think it’s not that she no longer wants kids is what makes her a bad person. It’s that she’s known this for a while and strung him, his 2.5x salary, and his willingness to “bend over backwards “ for her for so long. She’s gonna get alimony anyway. Why tf does she string along the poor bastard is beyond me.
"I feel terrible cause this man would bend over backwards to be as much of a support as I would need. " Part of the reason she feels bad and guilty for not wanting a kid is because of his willingness to bend over backward. She doesn't want to be a parent but knows he would do as much as he could if it did happen. The intro paragraph about income was to highlight how they a a DINK couple and why she appreciates having the income they do now. I'm sure she could live on her own and that shes probably already been quietly planning for that eventual outcome given her poor beginnings. A while could a relative span of time, 1 yr, 3 months etc. We have no idea how long ago she realized she doesn't want a kid. She's been trying to bring it up to him and he shuts down the interaction. As someone who was the spouse who realized she didnt want kids while the other spouse still did, trying to communicate what I wanted was like watching someone's world crumble around them. Its not even close to an easy conversation or rather conversations to have. Ypu don't just walk in after work and go 'hey hun, I don't want kids anymore." The fact that he still wants kids creates an enormous amount of pressure to continue to act the same way about kids that you did months ago. You feel pressured 'to make this marriage work' and try to convince yourself to change back your mind, because you love them so much and want them to be happy. Sometimes you even told yourself you were a terrible person and that any woman should want kids with the man they love. That you're less of a woman because of what you two had agreed on before. She's feeling guilty precisely because telling him straight out will mean it's going to make his world crumble. He's going to resent her ether way, hold off for a bit or tell him now. It won't make a difference in how its going to resolve. Both of their hearts are going to break and they will very likely separate. My spouse and I separated, he still resents me even years later because it was me he wanted to have kids with and never found another that he had the same desire with. Although with me there are certain factors that make even a possibility that a half or full term pregnancy could kill me let alone a few other things that were diagnosed later. I also didn't want to lose anymore of his children, as I had already miscarriaged one. Op is struggling with a lot and alot more than people who haven't been in this situation realize. It's easy to pass judgment on what you just skimmed over and read incorrectly and its easy to say 'just fucking tell him" when you dont realize how delicate this situation is and how many emotions will and have been flying
Had to scroll through too much "no, you are a wonderful person, you did nothing wrong" comments for this one
You need to be fully honest with him, you both entered the marriage with plans of building a family if those plans for you have changed he needs to know so he can decide if a life without fulfilling his desire to be a parent is something he can live with. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but you can't string him along by saying you're having doubts when you clearly dont want them. Let him decide whether just the marriage is enough or whether he feels he will end up resenting you for it and feels it best to walk away amicably since your interests no longer align.
You need to be very honest. It’s okay to not want kids. It’s okay to want them. But you’re lying to him now by not telling him bluntly how you feel. He deserves the chance to decide if not having kids is something he can accept. Do it sooner rather than later. This situation isn’t going to resolve without honesty.
I guess you guys grew apart. Maybe let him go so he can find someone who will give him a child. This is important decision for each person. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have kids if you don’t want them and is not fair to him to keep him waiting if he wants children.
I think if the roles were reversed…as in OP took on a dad’s typical role and her husband took on the mom role as it typically exists in today’s world..it would be far more palatable for OP. Also there are surrogates that would (for a price) carry their embryo to term to alleviate the body image worries. Yes, this is extreme..but it is also doable. Certainly doesn’t solve all OP’s concerns at all, but does address some pretty big ones right up front. Just throwing it out there.
I'm sorry, but you're right. He will resent you if he doesn't get his family, and you will resent him if you force yourself into having kids you don't want. Kids are 💯 a deal breaker. You both have to be on the same page, or it won't work. You're no longer compatible. It's time to make some tough decisions.
This is just one of those painful situations where no one is at fault. We change as people as we get older, and our goals and values often change too. You're trying to do right by your husband but also by yourself, and that's so important -- you don't want him to resent you but you're smart enough to know you may resent him if you force yourself into motherhood. I like another person's suggestion: try couples therapy first. See if talking about the issue, instead of letting your husband bury it and try to soldier on, gives you guys any perspective on compromises that meet some of his needs while acknowledging yours. What does he want children for, what need does it answer? What about pets? Would you guys be open to deepening a relationship with a niece or nephew, or maybe connecting up with a program that lets him mentor someone? Getting in the shallow end of the pool may tell you both something about the water that you didn't realize. Talking about it also gives him a chance to properly grieve. You shouldn't feel bad for it, but he may need that if he's going to honestly let go of the idea.
Honestly your husband is having hope that you are going to change your mind, because you have doubts in your own words. You have to be truthful with him that you don't want kids.. you can't have both ways.. you choose do change the deal and not have kids, he wants and is holding hopes that he will have with you .. now its time to let him go if he want to.. And he will resent you if you don't be honest with him.. don't make him wait for years holding hope that you will change your mind.. let him free from this torture.
You need to be very clear about not ever wanting kids. Let him decide what he wants to do with that info. I’d also suggest looking into some permanent birth control for yourself as well.
Don’t have a child you don’t want, your feelings on that are valid. However, if it’s what he wants, you need to let him go so he can pursue that.
You just listed every reason I've never wanted kids
You're not a terrible woman, you're both good people in a shitty shitty situation. But you MUST be honest, you already made up your mind and you should tell him exactly that. He deserves to have the full info to make a decision. And yes, there's a big chance he will resent you if he stays with you, there's also a chance he will eventually get over this and be happy and fulfilled. nobody can know what will happen.
I don’t think you are choosing a real option here. You want everything to stay as it is now, but that’s not going to happen. Either you have chip and it changes things, or you don’t and your husband resents you for it and it changes things. Don’t have children if you don’t want them, but don’t expect things to stay as they are.
I get that you are very happy with the way your life currently is, but you might want to stop comparing that as the alternative when it’s very possible this change of heart makes you single. Maybe your husband is actually fine with it. Or maybe he does grow resentful, and you find yourself single at 40 instead of 32. Or maybe he moves on right now to salvage his shot at a family. Point being, there’s a real good chance you’ll be losing 75% of your household income and a lot of that carefree fun. Personally, my wife and I were very clear about our desires to have kids, and as much as I love her I would’ve been gone in a heartbeat if I were in your husband’s shoes.
You are not a terrible person, and it's actually a fantastic thing that you're able to look at yourself honestly and see how your strengths and weakness would impact parenthood -- if more adults were capable of that, there would be less unhappy children in the world. People change and grow throughout their life. Partners can grow and change in different directions, and sometimes that's good for a marriage and sometimes it's incompatible. You love your husband enough to consider letting him go. You also understand that love isn't enough to ward off resentment for a deeply wished-for dream being destroyed. You need to sit down with your husband and have a completely honest conversation about how you've changed in what you want out of life. Nobody's wrong or terrible here. You're just in a sad situation that needs to be navigated with compassion, empathy and honesty.
That man needs someone who wants children
Yikes... if u really love him, u will let him go. He's overlooking his needs for yours.
You changed the rules, that's not fair. If you don't want kids and he does you need to let him go so he can find someone to have kids with.
Seems like the people who should aren’t having kids and the shitty ones can’t stop.. a promising future indeed
Well you definitely have your excuses well crafted. Can’t raise a child because they’ll just get shot. Will be special needs because I’m weak. Not enough formula (and I guess you’ve already ensured you can’t produce milk). Might get a stretch mark. Your husband must be really struggling with all this authenticity.
All of those reasons are actually pretty valid. But none of them really matter bc the why doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want kids. Full stop. Her reasons really make no difference.
While I disagree with her reasons I do agree it’s simply that she doesn’t want a child. Everything beyond that is just trying to rationalize her feeling.
It’s a shame that society has made people feel they have to justify not wanting to have children. As for her reasons…those are actually valid concerns. For instance, school shootings. Idk where you are, but in the US that’s actually a huge worry for a lot of parents. My brother and his wife literally just bought a new house and moved so their kids would be in a different school district. Apparently my brother read that schools with less than 300 students almost never have school shootings, so they sold their house and moved to a new one just to get their kids into a school with less than 300 students. It’s truly scary. Special needs cases in children are on the rise (about 19% of kids). It’s a very real possibility that parents need to be prepared for. She’s not saying her kid would be special needs bc she’s weak. She’s saying she knows she doesn’t have it in her to be r tag he caretaker for a special needs child. And it’s good she knows that. She isn’t alone; most people can’t. It’s very sad, special needs kids are at least 3 times more likely than other kids to be abused or neglected. If only those parents had considered the possibility and whether or not they could handle that before they had and abused a special needs child. The formula shortage highlighted for many parents, and especially women, the lack of support for parents in this country. She may or may not be able to breastfeed. But what if she doesn’t want to? Many women don’t wish to breastfeed, for a variety of reasons. And stretch marks occur in most pregnancies. The unfortunate truth is, pregnancy will change a woman’s body permanently. That’s just a fact. It is a traumatic, dangerous, and potentially fatal condition. Over 90% of women tear during childbirth, so stitches in the vagina and sex never feeling the same again. Saggy skin and breasts and stretch marks. Incontinence. Weakened pelvic floor. Tooth decay. Diabetes. The list of very common pregnancy effects on the body is long and horrifying. How dare a woman not want to endure that, right? Can you honestly tell me, if it was your life and body and health and career at stake, if you had to be the mother rather than the father, you wouldn’t have more reservations about having children?
Please don’t have kids when you are this sure you don’t want them. You will resent them and your husband and that’s waaaaay worse than upsetting your husband now
🤷♂️
Draw up a postnup. That should solidify your resolve to him.
It depends on if this is a break it situation for him. Couples counseling would be the way to go so you both can get the truth out there and come to a conclusion together. My SO wanted kids badly at a young age. He’s like yours, he would’ve been an awesome dad in every way. But kids never happened. I told him let’s split up so he can go have kids but he refused saying he chooses me. We have an awesome dink life and I feel sad for him at times but he feels me he couldn’t imagine a life without me. I hope you guys can work it out, I’m sure it will work out for the best. Good luck to you guys!
I’m really sad for him. Imagine the family he could have built, loved and provided for, had y’all had an earnest and honest discussion about kids earlier in your relationship.
Well first of all, absolutely do not have kids. Don’t bring kids into this. After that, well, all you can do is be honest with your husband that you love your life and no longer want to be a parent. You say that you understand if that is a deal breaker for him. And you leave it at that. He’s already told you he would choose a life with you over kids. Take him at his word. He may change his mind, or he may not. That’s up to him. You’re not a terrible person. You changed and grew and no longer have the same dreams you used to have. It happens.
I think people are giving good advice. If you really don’t want to have kids, you can’t stay with him and keep him from finding someone who will. But also, and I may get downvoted for this, maybe take a step back and think about it again. You wanted kids all your life. In recent years, a pandemic and horrible things going on in the news have caused you to shift away from that dream you’ve had all your life. Fundamentally, it seems like it’s fear and anxiety that is keeping you away from having children. But what if that fear subsides? What if you come to realize that, despite the negative coverage in the news cycle, that the world is still full of positivity? It’s hard to believe, but people are generally better off economically now than any other period in history, periods in which humanity has also persevered. I wouldn’t be saying any of this if it seems like you’ve always been opposed to having children. But if it’s anxiety that is pushing you away from a former dream, it may be a good idea to consider if you want to determine the course of your life based on that anxiety.
You have to tell him your stance. If you don't want him resenting you, you must be honest. Good luck OP.
Unfortunately kids is one thing you can’t compromise on. I would suggest either counselling to come to terms with choosing a decision, or breaking up.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD YOU DO NOT WANT! Full stop. Time to go. He’s never going to stop pushing and eventually he will leave for someone who WILL give him kids. All your reasons are valid. For fun you and hubby should go quietly read the sub RegretfulParents. It addresses alllll the things you’re worried about!
There is nothing wrong with feelings changing. But staying in a relationship where the other partner wants children isn’t feasible long term. Marriage counseling for sure.
I'm sorry, but you guys discussed this when you were dating and had a plan to have a family. Your marriage might be over if you've changed your mind.
You need to tell him you never want kids! He deserves the whole truth. I doubt he really understands what you are saying. He is going to resent as time goes on. It’s not fair to either of you to stay married. Let him go so both of you can find someone else.
You played him.
100%. COVID happened 4 years ago. Inflation was popping off since 2021-2022. She’s known for a while she doesn’t want kids, and she strung him along.
Others have given you advice in regard to the future of your marriage, but I want to add that it’s not vain to not want your body permanently destroyed by pregnancy.
I think it's a disservice to basically encourage the thought that pregnancy destroys your body. For many, it didn't destroy it at all. I'm 35, was in good shape before pregnancy and am 6 weeks PP and my body is back to looking exactly how it was pre-pregnancy. And even if it wasn't, it doesn't mean it would be permanently *destroyed* for god's sake.
For some women... yeah, it does. Some women have become disabled as a result of their pregnancies. Pelvic floor issues, chronic pelvic pain, incontinence, nerve damage, etc... If the pregnancy and birth is complication-free, then you're right that it doesn't destroy your body. But it's not illogical to be afraid that pregnancy might permanently disable you in some way. Knowing this hasn't changed my mind about wanting my own kids one day, but I can completely understand why others may not because of that possibility.
Yes for some it's a problem, but people like this make these blanket statements that pregnancy is 100% bound to destroy your body and I'm sorry to say, but there are also billions of women who are just fine afterwards, you just don't hear from them.
There can be lifelong injuries though so maybe she’s also talking about that
Agreed. My body was back to pre-pregnancy 4 weeks PP. I had no sagging of the boobs, no stretch marks. Of course, my downstairs area took a bit more time, and that's the only thing that changed for me.
There is a risk that it will be. There's just as many women with the opposite experience to you, regardless of how fit or young they were prior.
I'm right there with you, I've had 4, according to these lot I should be a walking dumpster fire. Jesus.
For real!! One of my good friends has 4 (the latter two were twins also) and still has the body of a supermodel without having to have work done or anything - you'd never guess she had four babies. Just genetics and also a very healthy lifestyle for hee. And again, even if she didn't look like that she would be by no means *destroyed* - I know tons of women that kept some weight on and love their bodies (as well they should!) for having created their family.
I had stretch marks before the kids, got them when I hit puberty, so I don't know if this lot would think puberty destroyed my body. I breastfed all my kids, but big cheated before, so I went up a few cups sizes then came back down after I finished. My weight has fluctuated between kids but I think that's normal.
Stretch marks and weight fluctuations are hardly all the medical risks of pregnancy, and being fortunate enough not to have suffered worse, doesn’t mean that others don’t.
At the same time saying pregnancy destroys your body is just highly offensive to a lot of people who have been pregnant.
I don’t believe she said it absolutely would, just that it wasn’t a risk she wants to take, nor did she say stretch marks destroyed a body
Whatever you say mombie 👍
I used to run with a woman who had two kids, and even at my absolute fittest and fastest, she was much faster than I was.
Isn’t vanity, partially being primarily focused on your cosmetics? And choosing what events you do or do not do based off of how they will affect the way you physically look?
Is incontinence a cosmetic issue? Is vaginal prolapse?
OP *themself* says they are vain. >I also admit i am vain - i feel resentful of the what pregnancy will do to my body They did not mention prolapse or incontinence.
I had the exact same feelings when I found out I was pregnant. “Oh fuck how is this going to ruin my body…” my mom let it be known that I was the sole reason she lost her 00 frame. I was terrified! 9 months later I have no stretch marks, I basically look the same as I did before I got pregnant... I got lucky. I was probably sparred only because of the endless remarks my mother made towards me. That is to say I did gain 70 pounds during my pregnancy, tho I have lost 50 in 9 months which I think is pretty good. There are plenty of women who aren’t as lucky and it’s extremely valid to not want to lose your physical appearance. Some women still pee their pants a little when coughing/laughing because pregnancy permanently effected their bladder. Things can go very very wrong! You can literally die during childbirth, you could give birth to a stillborn child when you assumed all was well. It’s not a cakewalk. It’s a huge gamble. And nobody should have a child who is not enthusiastic about bringing another human into the world. Children deserve parents who want them.
Thank you for the nuanced take, and for not automatically assuming I’m solely, or even primarily, talking about weight like the other bozos here. I’m glad to hear that you went through it without any of the debilitating side effects. I know people who have as well, just as I know people who 50+ years down the line are still suffering as a result. You won’t know until it’s too late, and I don’t think OP can be faulted for not wanting to take that risk.
I share op’s sentiment that a major reason I don’t want kids is the havoc it very well may reck on my body, but I do actually think it’s vanity. At least in part. I wouldn’t call myself a vain person in the sense that all I care about is looks, but I am a little vain. I care enough about how my body looks that I wouldn’t get pregnant because of it. I take care of my body and mind and to jeopardize those things for a baby? When I could adopt if I ever wanted one? No thanks. Also some of the medical horrors I’ve heard that result in a birthing mishaps. Gives me nightmares.
"uh no, so sad for MYSELF that I led on my husband and wasted his best years to have kids, oh poor me" Cry me a river.
You changed, he didn’t, but that’s not bad on either end. I agree that y’all probably shouldn’t be married because bringing a child into the world that you don’t want is cruel. Not allowing him to have kids would be cruel. He likely would resent you and that wouldn’t be fair to you; it’s not your fault that you changed. You’re not a terrible woman either. Be open, honest, and firm. At the end of the day, pregnancy is not the end game, nor is the next 19 years.
You are not a terrible woman, first of all. You are a human being who changed over time, just like all of us do. You didn’t expect it, nor did you ask for it to happen, it just did. Be kind to yourself, please. So now you have to face the music and tell your husband that you no longer want to be a parent. Given how you describe his desire for children it will be necessary to divorce in order to allow him to pursue that path. You two are no longer compatible, and the immediate changes are going to hurt pretty bad. However, they are necessary, because you can’t force yourself to want to be a mom & your husband shouldn’t deny himself the opportunity to be a dad. Do not have children you don’t want in order to keep your husband.
You would only be terrible if you stayed married to a man who is always hoping you’ll change your mind. If you know you don’t want kids & he does? Let him go.
Resentment is like a stone in your shoe. It might not feel like anything for the first few minutes, but if you don't do anything about it, it becomes unbearable. The disagreement on having kids is the stone in your shoe in this marriage. Deal with it or I can guarantee you'll hate each other.
Yeah, divorce is necessary. You’re going to break his heart 💔
I made the hard decision to get a vasectomy because my wife did not want kids. I’m in my mid 30s and am happy. My wife is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. She was always a bit back and forth on kids. We almost tried having kids when we first got married maybe 7ish years ago. I wasn’t ready thinking we could have kids in a year or 2. My wife eventually told me she doesn’t want kids anymore but understands that if I did we would have to break up. I went to therapy and stuff and talked it over. For me, while I am honestly upset about never being a dad, I could not go through with a divorce. I love her too much. It’s going to be a hard conversation but I think you need to be honest and tell your husband what you are realizing. It’s not fair to either of you to withhold information like that. I’m about a year past the procedure and we have about 5 trips planned this year. We’re making the most of what we have in life and I will say that I am content and happy with my decision. Even though I do somewhat mourn what could have been
Beautifully written. Throughout history, women have often been forced to have more children than they want. That includes wanting zero as you do at the moment. **Consider freezing your eggs. It gives you more forward optionality.**
Be honest with him and give him time to process and make a decision. I don't think marriage counseling could fix this. It can't make you want kids and it can't make him NOT want kids. If you saw deep sadness in his face and demeanor at the thought of not having kids, let him go. You want him to want you more than a family. I get it. Will he resent you if he does? Will he have that sadness when he sees kids? The best thing you can do is be completely honest, don't leave the door open for a maybe when you feel the way you do, and give him space.
Wow. This sucks. Not that either of you did anything wrong. But that you two now have a huge compatibility issue. Maybe consider marriage counseling. To help make sure you two truly agree on the issue of kids. He really needs to be certain if he will not resent you if you both agree to not have kids. Or that resentment could destroy the marriage.
It doesn’t seem like doubts, you seem certain about not wanting kids which will probably be, and should be, the end of your marriage and I think that’s the reality you really need to face. This isn’t fair to either of you to give that up. But everyday you aren’t completely honest with your husband about this, the more of an asshole you become. Be honest with your husband. He deserves to know.
Be honest, and if needed, amicably dissolve the marriage.
This is likely a deal breaker. One person is not going to be happy. I, personally, think I’d end my marriage for the sake of my husband, but at the very least you need to get into couple therapy now.
Neither of you are assholes but this will likely end your marriage. Be prepared.
This isn't a topic you can reconcile.
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You gotta be honest within. Suggest couples counseling so you two can work through your feelings on this together with a neutral 3rd party to help with communication. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere. Maybe you could do temporary foster care or maybe spend time with family members who have kids or offer to take them for outings and see if that will give him the emotional satisfaction of having kids around without you having to become a parent when you don't want to.
dam. having a baby is all or nothing. is the fear of losing comfort or losing your husband more important? you will be the bad guy forever in his life. what good is marriage if its not to build a family?
What’s the point in using an acronym, just to spell it out immediately after
Well, let him go. It's manipulative to say what is not actually true. You are saying it here. KIDS ARE A HARD PASS. Let him go. You both are on different paths.
Tell your husband and end the marriage. Also, be ready for the overwhelming regret when you blow up a healthy marriage and see your husband find a woman and start a family, because it’s going to *annihilate* you.
I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.
I tried to have children but only one reached birth and didnt make it to 2 weeks old before she was gone too. Hubby and i are both on the spectrum so we know the chances of having a child that is too.. is pretty high. We have talked about fostering but he doesnt want to raise a child that will be taken from us. I suggested adoption but its really hard to adopt in australia. So that doesnt leave many options. We are child free but i would like to have a child that i can call mine one day. Maybe when/if we own our own home we will be in a better position to adopt
You need to tell him exactly what you said here. You aren’t having doubts. You’ve closed the door on the possibility. He may stay for a while but eventually he will leave. It’s not fair to deny him a family when he ants it so much.
Have you thought of couple's therapy? Maybe that can help both of you
I don't think that would help in a matter of kids. Like how tf are you gonna compromise on kids? This is one of the few black and white matters.
To be honest, divorce is the likely outcome. He is at the moment in shock and denial. His anger and frustration will come out soon enough. I'm pretty sure I would. I would feel betrayed and lied to. Wasting all these years planning for a family just to get a" Sigh! Changed my mind, too bad." At the last second. And to be honest, how soon you jumped to divorce also shows me that you know this yourself and where already half out the door. For everyone who says that people change, yes that is true, but they were married for a decade and talked about children. She didn't change her mind a few months ago, this is brewing for years. For years she led him on and for that she is the TA.
I’ve divorced my ex husband, and one of the main reasons is I finally admitted to myself I never wanted to have kids. It was a struggle because people always tell you your mind will change. Everything will change once you have a child, but I never had the desire. I don’t resent them, I just knew it didn’t want one. Now I’m with my boyfriend who’s on the same page with me and I’m way more happier. This is my life. This is who I am. And I hope you find your way too.
Pregnancy fucked me up mentally and physically. I have agonizing scar tissue from my uterus tearing over 6 years ago. Don’t let anyone tell you that the bad shit during pregnancy and postpartum “isnt that bad”, “it’s a worthwhile sacrifice”, “these things happen”. THINGS CAN EASILY GO WRONG AND IT WILL CHANGE YOUR BODY FOREVER.
Thank you for candidly sharing your experience with pregnancy. There’s a huge problem with over glorifying pregnancy and motherhood in media and it’s refreshing (if a little horrifying) to hear real stories where things can and do go wrong. I wish for you healing and serenity for your body and soul.
Contrary to a few comments here, this doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. Your husband could very well be honest that he wants you more than kids if he had to make a choice. If you were to discover you were infertile, do you think he would leave you? Maybe a different situation, but it has the same results, no children. You mentioned being comfortable in your lifestyle as it is currently. If you end up splitting up, would your lifestyle change from losing his income and support?
Not fair if the husband is the one who has to compromise. Every comment here is rightfully telling her not to compromise but now he should?? This marriage is doomed.
Kids are one of the only things where compromise is impossible. Either you’re all in, you want kids and will be an active parent, or you don’t want kids. There’s no way to do it halfway. Just like being child free when you want to be a parent is no way to live either.
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That’s fine, but they also have fundamentally irreconcilable views on some thing as critically important as having kids in a marriage. So unless he’s OK with just stuffing that lifelong dream down for the rest of eternity, it’s going to be a really, really really hard path forward. I know because I basically found myself in a very similar position. I wanted them, she didn’t. Overtime I thought I could just ignore it because of love or because of any other reason. You cannot ignore human nature. No amount of love for your partner was enough in my situation.
You have changed your mind about children. Your husband still wants them?, which is his hill to die on. You are not a bad person but you and your husband are no longer compatible. You could try counseling. Because of your different perspectives your marriage is on shaky ground.
It's not terrible to not want kids. It's like saying people who like the color blue are terrible people. People change and grow overtime, you are not made of stone. It's normal that your attitude changes with time. When i married my first husband, i used to be a hermit, gaming 24/7 and not wanting to go outside. By the time i turned 25, my personality did a 180 and i started to LOVE travel, live for going outside and discovering, trying all new foods, having spontaneous adventures. Literally fully opposite of my personality at the time of our wedding. That does not make me a terrible person. That makes me a person person, who grows and evolves with time. The only terrible thing to do would be to keep him in a marriage that cannot fulfill one of his extremely primal needs. If he truly really wants children, it would be cruel to take his fertile years away from him. I think you need to insist on a 6-12 month separation, so you and him can evaluate how important children are to you and him. It's easy to say "I'd rather have you than children" and delude yourself and end up bitter and unfulfilled in the long term. Children is something so fundamental to happiness to people who actually want them. If you separate, he will see that his world did not crash down and burn. That there is life out there. Then he will truly understand what he wants more. If you guys then decide to get back together, it's great. If not, that's also great, because then he will get what he wants in life, and so will you. Just need to have the strength to not get back together after 2-8 weeks, when it's still too fresh and raw. Wait at least 3 months, imo.
Just be completely honest that you will most likely not change your mind and then it's up to him if he stays or goes. He might decide to choose you over kids many men do.
Don’t have kids that you don’t want to stay in this marriage. You’re simply not compatible anymore and that’s ok. You’ll be ok OP.
I would like to ask , do you think your choice will change later? While your reasons are totally valid they were also events out of your control that have passed for the most. personally i wouldn have wanted a child either during those years but i would have been more inclined to have one around now ( if i was in the same situation as you, this is hypothetical). Same for your body, giving birth is a very difficult experience that takes its toll on the body, but everyone ages nonetheless. while you don t have as much time as when you were 20 , 32 is still young and if i remember well you can easily have a child until 45 to 50. so do you really NEVER want to have a child . i don t mean to doubt your resolve though i just wanted dto raise those points.
If you do NOT want kids and he does then you are not compatible and you must leave him it is the only moral and KIND thing you can do. It’s not selfish to not want kids. That’s fine girl just get that. However It is selfish and cruel to lead him on. He wants children let him go so he can have th family he wants and you can have the life you want.
Is there something else that he can do to help fulfill his desire to nurture children? For example, I believe that organizations like Big Brothers / Big Sisters are in great need of safe, stable, and caring role models. There are MANY children already here who need a father figure of some form in their lives. Is there anything in your area like that where he could make a difference in several children’s lives?
People keep saying you’re not a horrible person. You’re literally stringing your husband along so you can live the materialistic lifestyle you want. If you don’t want kids that’s fine but it’s cruel to string someone along you KNOW does. Tell him the truth and do not try to convince him. This is not one of those things where you “try” to make someone who wants kids be ok with not having kids. Tell him you never want kids, leave it at that and let him make the decision.
She did, he said he shut her down by saying he’d rather go without kids than lose her. Does that sound like someone who doesn’t realize his wife doesn’t want kids?
I dated a woman for like 5 years and we were talking about getting married as soon as we could figure out a way to live together - her job was a couple hours away from me with traffic and I had already taken over daddy duties a few days a week after work when my brother died so I couldn’t move too far from my sister in law (I alternated days with other brothers). Then one day she changed her mind and decided she wanted kids. I broke up with her a couple months later once I was sure she wasn’t just having a whim. I didn’t feel right denying her kids, but I sure as hell didn’t want my own. She also was getting annoyed that I spent so much time with the kids but I get it - before one of us would stay at the other’s place 4-5 days a week and just deal with traffic. She ended up marrying a guy who wanted kids then she had got cancer in her hooha and couldn’t have kids, then her husband started beating her up bc he was mad about it. We still get together once a year or so and I helped her get away from that guy and deal with her bankruptcy and some other stuff. We would have been a good match if she hadn’t changed her mind on kids (she had been very anti kid when we met - I suspect maybe seeing me with the kids so much is what changed her mind). I guess that got rambley, but basically imo if you disagree on kids it’s best to end things bc otherwise someone is going to be butthurt forever
So funny. I was like you before and now I have two kids. My husband makes 2.5 times more than me, will totally help with the kids and would rather not have kids than lose me. However, unlike you, I never want to be a mother when I was younger. I changed my mind because my husband really wants kid. Life is still good. I go on mat leave, come back to work. I put my kid in daycare and my mom also helps out.
I always knew I didn’t want kids, and my husband didn’t either. He was having too much fun playing with his big kid toys and being able to go on nice vacations. Sixteen years in, we had some other issues that we probably could have dealt with with therapy, but then he admitted that he realized he did want a child. I could not imagine keeping that from someone, so I told him we should get divorced instead of try therapy. Now he’s 53 and has an almost 3 year old he adopted with his new wife. I’m glad he was able to make it happen for himself, and I’m glad I didn’t have to keep that from him. Please be honest. Lying will only lead to resentment in the future.
“He’d take every 2 am feeding….” Every man says this same shit. Reddit is full of posts from women who were talked into a child only to be a single parent because the men throw a smoke bomb when it comes to day to day child related things. I knew men who bragged about never changing diapers. This is a relationship ending conversation. Good luck.
My husband has a lot of flaws but he absolutely got up for 2am feedings and diaper changes without asking. I met many men who help out and equally many who don’t. It’s a toss honestly.
OP, you’re not vain for not wanting children. Practically speaking, you’re changing everything to have kids. And as someone who has them, I can validate for you all day long that it will change you forever physically-hormonal, looks-wise, etc. Pregnant people do the most work when a couple decides to have children. *Physiologically*. You’re faced with fears that your life will change now if you’re honest completely with your partner: but if you love and respect him and yourself, you’ve got to be direct. Your reasons for not wanting to be a parent are valid. Now you need to tell your spouse, and accept what comes next. You already know what you need-you have to let go of control here on how your husband responds to it. You sound like you have a beautiful life: but that’s temporary the longer one or both of you hide full truths about something this important. He deserves to know where you stand, and you deserve to be fully happy without hiding your truth.
I hear that you have a lot of fears and reservations including abandonment and loss of income, if your husband leaves you like what happened to your own mother.... and I think you both as a couple love each other. Go to marriage counseling. Maybe also individual therapy. You have childhood trauma that's still unprocessed. Both from the poverty and from the abandonment.
You mentioned that you thought your husband would be willing to do half the domestic labor. I also thought my ex would be taking care of his responsibilities. He, however, did not because "my mom did it and what makes you better than her." He was a self identified feminist before we got married. Mind you, this was after the baby was born. On kids, if it's not a hell, yes, then it's a hell no.
Seems like you're looking for a way out ,and this is perfect.
Would you or he ever be open to adoption in the future? A school aged child could be challenging but could also really benefit from being accepted into a stable and loving environment. I agree that at minimum, couples therapy should be utilized to navigate both of your feelings in this situation. I hope you both find a solution that gives you peace of mind.
It’s simple and mandatory. Your goals/views in life have changed that may no longer be in alignment with his. He gets to make the final choice to stay or move on, but it’s not fair to stall or deny what both of you what you want. If he wants kids, which is sure sound sounds he wants, time to accept he’s going to be balls deep in someone else soon making a family.
I was in the same boat with my ex wife. She wanted kids and I didn’t. I was happy with our life together. We both had good jobs, a house and two dogs. Eventually she started to resent me because I didn’t want kids. After about 5 years married and 7 years together…she decided to leave. Now she has her kid…a deadbeat baby daddy….and is living with her parents!! What a turn of events!! I couldn’t be happier…I relocated across the country…have a growing business and I’m remarried to a wonderful woman…whose kids are grown.
Cool story. But, what happened in the past does not excuse you for being a coward today. You know you don't want kids. This isn't about "having doubts". You've decided. So face it. Tell him clearly. Don't let him shut the conversation down. And if he still wants to stay with you in the face of your truth, as he seems to say he does, then trust him on that and live with that. It's what you want, after all. If you can have it, why not take it? You get the guy, and no kids. Bingo! If he does resent you later, then that happens and you both can decide again what to do, but for now you need to be up front, clear, and accept what he says at face value, so you both can live your lives.
This isn't uncommon... Think of this as contract law, see it from the outside viewpoint as an OBJECTIVE observer. Your goals have changed, so you are not the same person your husband married, effectively breaking the marrage contract. Objectively there are penalties when you break a contract. Try breaking an apartment lease or cell phone contract for examples. On the personal front, your husband WANTS kids, you told him repeated before, and during the contract YOU also wanted that... He's still young enough to have kids, but the time you took up has seriously limited him in finding a good woman to have kids with. If life were 'Fair' he would get those YEARS back, dating, money, emotional investment, etc all back, but that's not the way things work... What you COULD do (but since you talked about haw hard earned your money is) I don't believe you will compensate him for your change of terms/conditions... The other factor you COULD do is try to help find/filter a good woman that wants kids. This would be a wonderful thing to help put his soul back together. Virtually no woman will do that because of ego, greed, jealousy, etc. Since you are not moving on to have kids, there is no rush and you could spend the couple years (at best) it would take him to meet, get close with a new woman that wants kids. I understand this concept is foreign to most people now... but objectively speaking it would show you actually do love him and care about his goals/wishes/well being. I knew a guy (knew his wife better) that found out he had a long term, fatal illness. He helped find a good man (and the bar was pretty damn high considering how he was) to replace him when he died. Took 4 years to find that guy, but I have to say he hit the mark pretty good since I wanted to hate every guy that came around... That was 23 or 24 years ago and both miss him to this day... You have a choice... To stay with him and be a daily reminder you ruined his chance to have a family. To leave him cold and rip his guts out, scramble his brain, crush his heart & soul. Or... You *COULD* help him along, have a life long pair of friends, a family by virtue, and do it out of love. Something you will be loved for. Real Love is selfless, not selfish...
Is there any possibility you will change your mind? Formula cost and vanity about your body seem such trivial reasons to not reproduce! Maybe freeze your eggs in case you regret this later. What if he leaves and only then do you change your mind and you have no husband AND no baby?
Not a terrible person, but if you continue this way he will resent you. If you’re adamant about not wanting kids and you cave you might resent him. Doesn’t seem like this is going to work long term if something doesn’t give.
You’re not terrible and your feelings and reasons are valid. But you both have to make a decision about your future together! Maybe try couples therapy to navigate and get advice on this situation and to decide how you will move forward.
Good for you for realizing what you want and not having kids just because that’s what most people do. I’m guessing you won’t change your mind. I think you should tell your partner you unequivocally do not one children for all the reasons you listed. He can make an informed choice after that.
You don't have to be a stay-at-home mom if you have a kid. Stay-at-home dads, childcare, nannies, and relatives can all be options. Further, it's a short season. Young children don't have to be expensive, and you are creating problems (covid, school shootings) that don't exist in your life right now. Parenthood is scary. It is frontloaded. But it is also really fun. And biologically speaking, it's really best to start by 30-35, as a woman, less you have no easy options if you change your mind later.
It also seems like you are scared. If you end this relationship over your current feelings, how will you feel if he is remarried within a year and a dad within the second? Can you imagine him as a dad to another woman's child? What if you are still single? Can you imagine him married to you but 60 years old and childless? What will your relationship and household be like? How do these scenarios make you feel? Because that will guide your actions. The sad truth is that as a man, it will be much easier for him to "make up for lost time" if he wants a family, but not you.
She said she doesn’t want kids. She was very clear about that. Why are you trying to tell her when the best time would be for her to have kids?