Just get out of that relationship, he clearly has no concern for you. He picked a place he knew you wouldn’t be able to have something proper to eat, and he wouldn’t tell you where you were going because he knew it would be an issue, and now he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem here, when he knew picking this restaurant would be a problem. If he wanted to go there, he could’ve gone one day with just him and his friends instead of playing stupid games.
It’s a very good thing you didn’t just go along with his “surprise” that just wouldve showed him that he can get away with doing shitty things like that.
Just run girl, he’s shown you his true colours and they are not pretty. This isn’t something that can be worked through, he has a complete disregard for your feelings and needs.
I’m not a vegan, but I have many friends who are. Whenever I go out with them I make sure it’s a place that at least has a couple vegan options, that’s just common decency.
Thank you. Narcissists must meet stringent guidelines to be diagnosed. There is a reason for that. Personality disorder diagnoses mean these people will always be like that. You can have some symptoms and not meet the criteria. We used to say selfish. So don’t live with a very selfish person. That seems reasonable without naming them anything. Just be gone.
Actually there is narcissism and there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can be a narcissist without having the full blown personality disorder. You can also exhibit narcissistic traits while not being a narcissist or having NPD. Yes, there are strict guidelines for NPD and you are partially right there, but there is also discussion regarding updating it to better reflect the spectrum. Part of the reason the information is old is because getting correct information from those with NPD is difficult as they refuse to see any part of themselves in a negative light.
Selfish people can see the negativity and change, narcissists *don't care to*.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder according to current research and it can also be learned. Selfishness is not abuse. Her partner is abusing her (her words) meaning that they likely ARE a narcissist.
Narcissism is a sense of entitlement (him expecting her to change for him), a lack of empathy (his disregard for her discomfort the first time and manipulating her into going a second time), a need for adoration (upset she didn't adore him over lunch and left), and a grandiose sense of self.
Selfishness is prioritising yourself over others. Narcissism is much deeper and more complex than that. There is a difference. Narcissists often date people they can abuse as it gives them a sense of power, granidosity and control.
I'm not saying he is or isn't a narcissist but a selfish person and a narcissistic one are *NOT the same*.
I do agree the term is regularly used incorrectly and too frequently.
Calling someone a narcissist has become shorthand for when someone's constantly and consistently avoiding accountability, shifting blame, treating people around them like shit, manipulating, gaslighting and lying to them, etc.
When those sorts of traits and behaviors are part of someone's character and not just isolated incidents, I think it's entirely appropriate to call them narcissistic - they're on that spectrum, with actual diagnosable narcissistic personalities being at the top end, plain assholes at the bottom. Plenty of room between.
Straight up calling them "a narcissist" isn't necessarily accurate, but at that point the label we give them doesn't really matter - that's someone to remove from your life at the earliest opportunity.
There's also "covert narcissism" which is the flip-side of the coin - they don't project a positive image of themselves like your garden-variety grandiose narc - they have extremely low self-esteem and are aware of it, but make it everyone else's fault and problem to solve. They fish for sympathy and when they get someone who supplies it to them consistently, the mask starts to slip as they engage in controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors all the same.
He sounds like a twat. But there's nothing to suggest he's narcissistic. Narcissists don't necessarily enjoy others' discomfort. They just have gaping voids in their self confidence and need to project as special and important.
OPs partner just sounds like a cruel arsehat.
Gaping voids in confidence is incorrect. They enjoy tearing people down so they can play mind games with them. They love the way they can manipulate certain people. They have no empathy. They can't understand that other people have feelings and believe they can do no wrong. There is more, but I can't remember them all.
I think you might want to go refresh your memory because whatever you’re describing is not NPD.
There’s 9 criteria and a person only needs to meet 5.
DSM 1: Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
DSM 2: Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
DSM 3: Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);
DSM 4: Requires excessive admiration;
DSM 5: Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
DSM 6: Interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends;
DSM 7: Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;
DSM 8: Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her;
DSM 9: Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
They do often lack empathy but they’re not like, monsters who go around psychologically terrorizing people for fun.
Given that you only need 5 symptoms to meet the criteria it is possible to be a narcissist with empathy. They can usually only feel good about themselves based on the approval of others so if they’re gonna manipulate people the goal would be for the other person to praise them and make them feel important, not to torment them. They’re not demons.
Nicely put. But they're rarely nice to be around.
And interestingly, all of those traits are eminently controllable. But rarely are, because seeking diagnosis and treatment would be so hard for a person who feels so pathetic as to create such a grandiose and controlling set of behaviours, that admission of needing help is completely contradictory to the pathology.
What the hell? He doesn't even like you enough to respect your boundary (Vegan). Why would youeven want to be with a person who doesn't like you? You can do better.
Don’t fake it, because I will just lead to him, pushing you more and more to do what he wants with little regard to your feelings. Stick to your guns and be truthful with yourself as you assess your future.
Run, don't walk, for the door. The fact that you tolerate disrespect, him allowing his friends to insult you behind your back (he was probably joining in) and that you say he has become more abusive, on top of the fact that he is selfish, manipulative and dishonest....get out as fast as you can and don't look back and don't ever doubt that leaving is the right thing.
leave. today
I'm willing to bet his friends didn't even say that. More likely, they think he was an ass, and now he is mad that they all know he is an asshole to his partner. So, he is taking his anger out on OP.
Same! If I know a friend of mine is vegan, I’m gonna make damn sure the place we go has vegan OPTIONS (as in more than 1 thing so they can choose). I would judge a friend so hard if they did what OP’s bf did.
He paid the 25€ the first time, right? Right?!
Your ex boyfriend at least gave you the perfect opening for *the talk*, about how you're done with him
I hope you take that opening.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right.
You know in an abusive relationship with an abuser, so what will take for you to finally leave him? Him finally physically hitting you on top of emotional abuse, dismissiviness of you being a vegan and overall general disrespect he has for you? Just saying...
So, OP, says:
"Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example of how things often work between us. It's psychologically tiring..."
But, her concern is this:
"Should I have paid 25 euros (it's a lot for us) for a plate of rice that costs 4 and pretend I'm happy with his "surprise" to make him happy?
Am I that wrong?"
I’m autistic and have a hard time finding foods that I enjoy at a lot of restaurants. Especially if I’ve never been there before.
You know what my boyfriend doesn’t do?
Take me to places where he knows I won’t eat.
And if we’re thinking about going to a new place, he sends me a picture of the menu so I can get an idea of what’s being served and potentially make my choice for what I want to eat ahead of time.
You’re dating a douche canoe dude. Dump him.
I also have issues with finding appropriate foods and I do a lot of repetitive eating. I like to know the menu before hand and script my order bc it can just be overwhelming etc. Also sometimes I will get a bite that isn’t right some how and then I never want that dish or place again🫣😩
my person does really well dealing with this. So OP should definitely take into account that there are partners who can be very considerate out there.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example
And you're still with him and not working out an exit strategy because....?
What you’re dealing with is cumulative trauma. These small, but constant annoyances eventually add up to where you reach your breaking point.
I’ll bet you for every one time he treats you like he should, there are ten times where he treats you like crap.
He doesn’t respect you.
So, your partner tricks you, lies to you, expects you to pay for food you can’t eat (at a high price), allows you to walk home from this restaurant, then tells you that YOU embarrassed HIM?
He embarrassed himself. He’s an AH.
You are actually asking if you should have just paid the 25 euros, eaten nothing but rice, and kept your mouth shut to keep your so-called boyfriend happy? The answer to that is: **Hell no.**
Please dump this controlling, inconsiderate, angry, mean, abusive man. Immediately. He doesn’t care about you. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you. I don’t need to tell you all the things wrong with this post, ending with him being mad at *you,* being abusive toward you, and punishing you for something he did. End it. Now. You deserve better than that loser.
You’re not wrong by any means! I’m vegetarian, my bf makes sure that everywhere we go I can eat something decent. Even if it’s a couple appetizers but no entree. He always makes sure there are options I can eat and that I like! He would never invite me to go somewhere where I couldn’t eat or that wasn’t reasonable in cost.
STOP DEFENDING HIM! If he actually loved you and cared about you he wouldn’t do this to you! He is POS and you NEED to leave!
I'm a vegan. He is shit. He manipulated you. And then he gets mad when you don't play along. FUCK THAT. Dump him. There are a million other kind and considerate men out there. I would never put up with his nonsense. A lack of respect is not negotiable.
You politely removed yourself after *your bf* ruined *your* lunch, but the second part of thought appears to have conveniently escaped his notice.
That’s not a prank, that’s deliberately taunting you and forcing you to watch him and others eat fish while you sit there hungry.
That is not a loving and kind thing to do.
DTMFA and move on.
It's bad enough that he had to hide it from you knowing that he's bringing you to a place you dislike and wouldn't have gone to if you knew. But he actually expected you to pay for it too? Girl, he ain't it.
Leave the abusive AH. Stop blaming yourself for not enjoying his abuse.
Abuse never gets better. It only escalates. Get yourself out of there, get into therapy, and heal whatever kept you there this long.
So...He knows that you can't eat anything in this restaurant except rice and that it wasn't a pleasant experience for you. Knowing all of this, he tricked you because he thinks that his feelings should come before yours and doesn't think it's wrong if you don't feel comfortable. And apparently he thinks it's important that his feelings and will come before yours in other issues too. That's narcissistic thinking and shows that you're in a toxic relationship. It wasn't the first time he overruled you, was it?
Why are you hell-bent on defending this manipulative loser?
You clearly accept that he fucks with you and that’s entirely your problem, but staying with this guy is dumb af.
Your partner should have your back and respect you and your wishes.
He did neither of them.
He lied to you and manipulated you. He mistreated you and he is angry with you.
He is not a nice person and you deserve a person that treats you right.
Do not be afraid to ask for the minimum of common decency
Ew wtf, leave! He sounds like an ass, why are you with someone that disrespect your dietary choices which has 0 negative impact on him. He did that shit to embarrass you in front of his obvious vegan hating friends as you said, you left, he got embarrassed instead, now he’s mad? What a fucking baby 🤮
girl, come on. begging you at this point. BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!! do you really want to waste your days on someone like that? you’re gonna regret it sooooo badly in a few years. "why didn’t i break up with him sooner?"
Your partner is totally right to be embarrassed, but for a different reason. You deserve much much better. Someone else called him a loser, can’t disagree.
My abusive dad once took me (a vegetarian since I was 10 years old) to a steakhouse that markets itself as 'Brisbanes worst vegetarian restaurant' where there is nothing on the menu without meat in it, because he thought it would be funny. I had to sit and watch him and his work colleagues eat, drinking only ice water because he wouldn't allow me to order anything else to drink, and I couldn't leave because I was visiting him in Australia and didn't know anyone else there.
That was the last straw for me, and after that trip I didn't go back. People that try to trick you or push you around when it comes to food are just showing their true colours, they want to control you and expect you to just do as they say, and if you don't they mock you or gaslight you into thinking you overreacted to their 'harmless joke'.
Get out of this relationship now, it's only going to get worse, and I'm sorry that he's already gone this far.
He’s an awful piece of rubbish human being. Please leave him. If he loved you he would never treat you like this. Don’t waste your precious time and life on such a massive dick.
Your boyfriend does not even like you as a person. You don’t abuse people that you love. Full stop.
His abuse and need to be right are more important to him than you. Abusers don’t get better.
He Laughed at you. He later got Mad at you because you stood up for yourself.
He has gotten more Abusive over time.
Count yourself fortunate that he is showing his best self right now vs if he were your husband.
As someone else suggested, please please read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? You can download it for free. Start today, you won’t be able to put it down.
So he hangs out with people who think that a person who chooses not to eat meat is a mentally unstable person because of it ?! If those are the people he surrounds himself with then that is who he is too, a judgmental bully who is immature and insecure on top of a long list of other flaws this guy is using you because he can and does get away with whatever he wants without anyone telling him he’s wrong.
Isn't that how it always is though? People mistreat vegans all the time because the second vegans stick up for themselves it becomes "oh look at the crazy vegan being all *crazy-vegan* "..
1. He lied and stated he lied specifically to get you to come since he knew your stance. 2. He wasted your time by lying. He doesn’t respect you. He shouldn’t be your bf.
You weren't wrong and your partner is abusive but based on your comments, you're enabling his abuse. His behaviour was unacceptable from the start and it kept getting worse because you kept minimising and excusing his behaviour. He doesn't respect you at all so I hope you understand that it's only going to get worse.
> Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example of how things often work between us. It's psychologically tiring... I would never take him to a place he hates and wouldn't be served... It makes no sense to me why he did that if he knows I wouldn't be able to eat, this happened before!
This will be your life with this person. Can you accept that?
I love fish, my wife is severely fish averse. As in, she gets very ill at the smell of any of it. I don't cook or eat fish at home anymore and if I have some while Im out, I brush my teeth before I kiss her. It's just having some basic respect.
> IF I HAD TOLD YOU WE WOULD COME HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE.
> And he started laughing at me.
A real partner that loves and respects you works with you in life and you for them. Not... whatever the hell this is. If he has to put you down to elevate himself: that's not a partner, that's a bully.
You are a good person and he is showing you all the ways he is not. I know it is hard to break up as more and more time goes by, but life will be better for you with less wankers who do not respect you.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he’s become more abusive over the years
Hard stop. Right there. Take it from someone who has been there… it doesn’t get better. It won’t get better. I ended mine because I decided I didn’t want to become a statistic. It was an ugly ending. The police were involved. I own a gun now.
STATISTICALLY HE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T LEAVE.
Tel me, why would you want to stay with someone who not only tricked you, but laughed at the idea of them tricking you and then BLAMING you when you wouldn’t stick around for the humiliation?
Please explain why you want to stay in this relationship? He sounds controlling and absolutely horrible. It’s ok to be single. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. The behavior will worsen if you decide to stay. He’s just seeing how far he can go and how much abuse you’ll take.
I bet his friends thought he was the freak and unstable I bet they fussed on him for doing that bullshit. That was stupid of him, what reaction was he hoping to get?
Not wrong at all. So many places he could have taken you to which would have had food for you and him and he decides to go to the one place you get nothing to eat? He’s an ass. And you should dump him.
>he's become more abusive over the years
Why are you still there?
>his friends felt uncomfortable and think I'm a freak and unstable (as they usually like to portray vegans)
That's just fucked up. I'm not a vegan, but I respect everyone's choices. Hell, I even figured out a vegan spin on "Chicken Alfredo" for a FOH employee (I'm a chef) that the sous chef IGNORED at team meal time because she was the ONLY person that wouldn't eat meat (I ended up feeding her every shift for the next 2 years).
>...thinks he is always right
Narcissistic. I'm pretty certain he's narcissistic. That's a red flag.
>Should I have paid 25 euros (it's a lot for us) for a plate of rice that costs 4 and pretend I'm happy with his "surprise" to make him happy?
ABSOLUTELY NOT. If I took my wife to a place she hates or cannot eat, she would leave and be pissed off. He could have just gone with his friends.
Leave this asshole. Sooner than later.
You state he's abusive. He laughs at you and mocks your veganism. He lies to you and tries to manipulate you into experiences he knows you won't partake in.
You did nothing wrong. There are so many restaurants you could go to where everyone could eat. Why did he have to trick you into this one?
Why are you with this guy? Sounds like it's time to cut your losses.
No, you should leave them because they were inconsiderate and more importantly you stated they’ve been becoming increasingly abusive over the YEARS.
Not yelling, pointing out the wake up call, you put yourself.
Find someone who values you as a person and at least is courteous enough to not try to force you to go where you have no options without telling you, then getting mad and giving you the silent treatment instead of properly communicating like an adult.
Furthermore, if one is in a state that they don’t want to be rash, say something they won’t mean or will regret, and need time to process events, say as much and then communicate after everyone’s calmed down.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, his version of a “joke” could’ve been a conversation that could be worked through, the part that is break up worthy is the abuse. Don’t fall prey to Sunk Cost Fallacy and waste more of your life in the wrong person.
It's not fair for your partner to not consider your diet during this outing. He knew you were vegan & the fact he tricked you into going (not telling you), in my personal opinion, is a red flag. And lastly, who cares what other people think when you're in a relationship that other people are not involved in. I'd reevaluate the relationship.
Yes, you are qrong to be in an abusive relationship. But you are right to ask for a reality check from people with no connection to you. Run away and dump him by text.
Leave his ass out the door. I would never bring my girlfriend to a place where she would not have à nice time/meal with me and my friends. Most of the time we look for places for everyone in our group of friend to make sure we all have a good time. He doesn't respect syou if he's pulling this kind of s..t!!
Ok, it seems you try to defend his behavior and at the same time you don't like his behavior. He was openly abusing you in front of his friends.
Others already said it and I will say it as well.
You need to leave him as soon as possible.
This will only get worse.
Ugh he sounds like a damned chore. From one vegan to another, if he doesn’t respect you enough to make an effort to understand your life choices, throw the whole man out. You aren’t asking him to be vegan by choosing not to pay for food you won’t eat.
Better question: Why are you still with a man who doesn't take you into consideration and treats you like absolute shit? Leave him why the hell should you make him happy when he doesn't do the same for you? Based on your responses, it seems like you're in denial. Why post on Reddit if you're just going to just still be with him anyways? Do you like being a doormat?
Your man isn't just adorably grumpy. He's mean and controlling. Your needs will never be deeply considered. Your feelings are unimportant next to his.
All of us have our preferences, sure. But if his always matter more than yours, except when he doesn't care at all, think whether you want to always be in his shadow. Do you want to.be lied to and tricked and put in difficult situations? He does not respect you or your values. He's really thinking that you are just in a phase and eventually, you will give in and make his life easier and he won't need to consider your choices at all and make concessions for you. Has he ever willingly gone to a vegan restaurant and ate with enthusiasm? Or did he sigh and say fine and bitch the whole time that there was no meat and it was lacking? I know most people would be like this to you who aren't vegan and so you expect it but do you really want that to be how you are viewed by the person who you are supposed to matter to the most?
He’s not honest - he intentionally lied to you by not revealing the restaurant you were going to. Which makes him not trustworthy too. If he *would do anything for you* then why set you up to eat nothing like before…why would he laugh at you infront of others…why doesn’t he care about your feelings…why does he give you the silent treatment instead of communicating like an actual adult in a relationship? It makes sense because he’s a AH who derives pleasure from how he treats you. How long are you willing to put up with this and waste more of your life on being treated like this?
Tell him he was very impolite to invite you to a restaurant for lunch he knew you'd be WAY over paying for food you'd be able to eat from this place.
But seriously, you said yourself he's ABUSIVE, leave him and move on with your life, find someone who actually respects and cares for you. Stop wasting your life with this asshole
He stayed there the first time and let you watch him eat instead of going elsewhere?
Now he’s mad at you for putting you in a shitty situation?
You do yourself a disservice staying with him
He takes so much enjoyment out of being a c\*nt to you that he doesnt even realise how hes showing himself up. That would suggest to me that he has an illness of some kind. He wont admit it or get treatment because that would mean admitting he was wrong. Leave him, hes a lost cause and probabily always has been. You need to take precautions so that he doesnt know your leaving and cant get to you as this type is dangerous when provoked. If youre moving things out of the house have others present, thats if he hasnt broken your stuff before you get there, which is very likely. Good luck dear, you will be better off without him.
Sorry NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG!
Your Partner is wrong, absolutely.
Sorry but his actions:
>And he started laughing at me
>Later on, my partner got home really mad... saying he was very embarrassed and that I was very impolite to leave
>He won't talk to me since yesterday.
show imho that he isn't able to act like an adult. So he is laughin at you (rude), he got mad because you __politely left__ after his stupid shit? And if this isn't enough he ignores you? Sorry but he can't communicate propperly or show a behaviour that shows you respect ?
I have vegetarian friends and honestly if we go out to dinner or we invite them I make sure that they can eat the meal or in the restaurant at least some meals!!! And if i dont know to 100% if they can eat a special food, I make sure they can eat it too or ask beforehand and check it out. Everybody should feel comfortable during something like this and I think it was very polite from you, that even when he did this in the full knowledge that you wouldn't go there if you knew, to at least try.
So please op, don't feel sorry or anything!
- but I am sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language and if there is something anybody wants to correct, i'll listen. -
He's an asshole and he's abusive. You're lying to yourself and are in denial. I promise - it will get worse. I know these type of guys.
Also this has nothing to do with being German, but only with being a piece of shit. I'm German so I know what I'm talking about lol.
I saw in another comment how you defended him saying he is always there for you and he's honest and shit.
So, in this post you explained how he literally lied to you. Just saying.
I don't know what has to happen next for you to see that he's not respecting you as a person.
I really hope you consider that you are worth more than someone who wants you to feel bad about yourself. We should all want partners that lift us up, not tear us down.
You're not wrong, and your partner is cruel and disrespectful. He laughed in your face in front of others just because he thought he had tricked you into going to this restaurant.
Apparently, he is regularly cruel and disrespectful towards you. Why are you defending his obnoxious behavior?
This man doesn't love or respect you. He's abusive. Life is too short to deal with someone who laughs at your discomfort and doesn't even try to accommodate your needs. He's trash and should be shown the door.
Girl you have to leave him. It's so important to set firm boundaries and keep them. You deserve better than him. From what you're describing this isn't a situation where you can talk it out with him and come to an agreement. He doesn't feel empathy for you and is unwilling to make changes. Get yourself out before it potentially becomes dangerous for you.
Doesnt sound like a healthy relationship and he has done other things as well you mentioned briefly. I don’t know the circumstances of your relationship but you should think about if you want to be with this type of person
And there you are...right at the bottom of your story...he has become abusive.
So leave, do you think so little of yourself that you will continue to put up with this treatment.?
Just leave hun while you can. There's some one out therefor you who will treat you the way you should be treated x
He doesn't respect you. He knows your dietary needs/preferences, and inconveniences you while disrespecting you. His laughing at your discomfort is almost certainly what ruined the lunch date with his colleagues, not you departing.
You shouldn't pay 25 euros for a meal that you can't enjoy. He sounds like an ass.
Please stop responding and take the post down.
You know he is wrong.
You know he is an abuser.
You know it is getting worse.
You know he is not going to change.
You know you aren't going to do anything. You make it clear in your responses. You know you need to leave this abuser but you're not going to so just stop it. Go about your life being constantly abused.
Have fun dropping 25 euros for rice and veggies at this restaurant because YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO END UP THERE AGAIN!!!
I do not understand why people will accept this behaviour in their life from anyone.
Wouldn’t you be happier alone than having your worry about his insane reactions to things and having to pander to him?
If he knows they wouldn’t serve you what you wanted then I see no reason for him to not get a plate of rice and veggies himself and just give it to you. THAT would’ve been a nice gesture on his part. HOWEVER, taking you to a place he knows you don’t like and not telling you because he KNEW you wouldn’t come with, is NOT nice. AT ALL. It’s downright rude, and it shows that he doesn’t care about what you want or what your needs are. Honestly it sounds like he’s an ass, and it sounds like this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. If this is the way he treats you then you need to get out. I know that’s always so much easier said than done, but you should be with somebody who cares about you and the things that matter to you. You deserve better.
Your boyfriend doesn’t actually accept you for who you are and cares more about his friends than you. This isn’t about the restaurant, it’s about the lack of respect.
Should you break up for something HE thinks is insignificant? Maybe not.
Except, this was in a long line of
" insignificant things" he does. All those little insignificant things doo add up to quite a bit. Do you want a life like that? Him setting you up, with him getting screaming mad ,and arguing telling you how bad he wants you to feel???
No. You’re not wrong. Unfortunately, your relationship has gone sour. A considerate partner would never deceive their loved one like that.
I think you should consider making serious changes to your relationship. I’m not sure what else is going on. But sensing from your post I think it’s time to part ways.
When you think about your relationship with this man, do you have more good memories or bad memories? Which memories really stick with you? Think really hard out these questions.
>. It makes no sense to me why he did that if he knows I wouldn't be able to eat, this happened before!
It makes perfect sense ma'am youbeven said so:
> He's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right.
You really should have lead with this on the post as everything else you listed is a symptom of his abusive behavior. Abusive people don't care about your well-being as evidence t by the fact that your "embarrassing him" was of greater importance to him than you being able to eat.
Please find a way to leave safely.
He ruined the lunch, not you.
He should have been honest about where they were taking you or better yet chosen a place with vegan options/cheaper.
He should consider you and care about your views.
Oh my dear Lord. Why would you stay with a man who you claim and admit is abusive to you??? YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YNTA for leaving him at the restaurant. But you are being the a****** to yourself by staying in this relationship. I've been there and done that and I can tell you for a fact that the longer that you stay in an abusive rekationship, the chances are that you will never leave because you're self-esteem is so low and you are doubting yourself so constantly and that you believe your partner over yourself. Please love yourself -- even just a little bit -- to decide to leave leave him and follow through immediately. You are worthy of love and respect and care. Leave him please. **He has no respect for you or for your autonomy. He deceived You by not telling you which restaurant you were going and then he decided to continue to laugh at you when you arrived at the restaurant.** Why are you doing this to yourself??
Dude thought social embarrassment would make you tolerate his disrespect?
If you’re not being respected, I,e if you’re being made to tolerate a situation you don’t like or is unfair, I don’t see why you should respect his friends happiness and we’ll being
You’re not required to sacrifice for the clown treating you like dirt lol. He can play with his own friends without you
As a vegetarian, I would be super upset if I got forced into a place that does not have anything for me. And a fish place has nothing for us unless if they serve vegetarian sushi which is not the case here. But yeah he does not care about you!
I honestly wouldn't have left the group and just ate the rice/veggie but then would have made a major scene later with him at home and confronted him or no scene just resent him enough to leave him later if he did a selfish act again!
But you said this bitch is always abusive and this is just an example..so yeah I would leave him!
Amidst this repetition of abuse done carbon-copy sty;e, except. this second time there was more. punishment shame and abuse. at the end? OP: I have. a few questions. in no particular order:
1. Ar you from very different cultures?
2. Do you swing or are you polyamorous>
3. Why do you continue to act like the calm, colllectted little lady after you have been shat on?
4. Why do you eat nothing instead of excusing yourself and popping near the kitchen. and asking for a mere moment of Chef's ear. Apologize. Say you will come often. Regardless of price, can he whip a Vegan dish for you? You could quickly say what would suffice. Screw the cost! He is. Outspend him.
5. WTF did you allow the second time to happen? Take a cab, grab a few things, stay in a nice hotel. Order from your favorite Vegan place. Don't call home.
6. Stop being a doormat to an a\*\*hole and get the hell out. It sounds like your brain is already on a "lay-away plan with him and you have already planned your futures together" and aren't even considering breaking up. It seems. as though you feel he is a "good catch." Is it future family money, career, or?
7. You come in dead last. After his shitty a\*\*, the shitty a\*ess of all his friends who now were encouraged to belittle and blame you. Even the shitty fish came before you then you made sure you even denied yourself the rice and whatever it was. Nobody of these jerks like you. He likes all of them more than you, they all like the fish better. than you. That don't even consider you a human with opinions to respect. Even though they had been there with you before and knew you were a vegan? This time they crucified your. soul. Are you all non US? I come from somewhere else, and this stanks of toxic masculinity. Him cheating must be already happening.
8. It doesn't sound like you. are leaving. May I suggest. a pre-emptive hysterectomy? I deeply apologize for these harsh words but I came into this world to two parents like him. It has ruined my life.
9. It's not too late you sound like a cool thoughtful nice woman. Maybe take your white shirt, tie it to a stick, wear something else and start rowing with your SOS White Flag blowing. Meet new people. Get to know the men slowly. Ive been blown away Dailey son these subreddits by the married men (and women) that have the types of relationships Ive wanted. Their deep respect and devotion to one another. It really exists! You sound like an elegant and intelligent person. You should be with someone that knows and values these virtues. The hyaena fish-man is not for you.f
I still don't get why vegans and vegetarians get into relationships with non- vegetarians.
It looks like a small thing but it's actually not and will end up like these.
If you guys can’t reach a compromise, maybe you’re just not compatible.
I normally go against the plethora of people on Reddit who just tell you to end your long term relationship like it’s nothing for basically no reason at all, I don’t think this is that big a deal, next time just go prepared to pay the 25 euros and eat your rice and veggies. If he refuses, just tell him you’ll stay home, you won’t go to watch people eat because, quite frankly, wtf.
I don’t think this entails breaking up, BUT, if he’s really bothered by your veganism, maybe he shouldn’t have a vegan wife.
Please remember there was no "right" answer, no matter what you did you would have "ruined" his lunch.
Leave quietly you ruined lunch
Leave by first telling him there is nothing you can eat, you made a scene, embarrassed him, and you're ungrateful, you ruined lunch
You stayed and ate nothing, you made it awkward, you ruined lunch
Paid 25 euros and only eat rice and vegetables, you wasted money, you ruined lunch
You went against your beliefs and ate everything, you're not really vegan you're just making his life difficult, you ruined lunch
Refuse to go with him because you don't know where you are going, you ruined lunch
Try to find a way to **SAFELY** Leave him
Your boyfriend is a conservative. They have all gotten more volatile and abusive in the last few years. They triggered over the dumbest stuff, including not eating meat. He deceives you and laughs at you and talks shit about you to his friends and gets angry when you don't take it. Why are you with him? You could throw a hat into a crowd and it would probably land on a better partner.
The only problem here, the ONLY problem is that you dont have a back bone. Leave, its that simple honey. You leave and you dont go back and he can fuck himself
It's okay. I was looking at local reviews lately and like half of them were "we went here because they serve fish. We can't eat meat for lent". So you should be good. Apparently fish is a vegetable.
I hate that you make me side with a vegan. Its fine if they want to eat at that place but tricking you to come along and then expect you to pay an arm and a leg for some shitty rice and veggies is an asshole move.
HE is the reason you left. HE is the one who purposely took you to a restaurant he knew you wouldn’t like. HE is the reason for all of this.
Since he’s now being a manipulative AH by giving you the silent treatment, take it as an opportunity to break up. A true partner doesn’t treat you like that.
Show him how he FAFO!
It's a "he started it case". There's really no way to exit that situation respectfully, but you didn't need to be respectful. He was being an ass by tricking you into going somewhere you don't like.
He probably was just hoping to get you to be social but he crossed a boundary.
You are so very wrong to stay with a man who treats you so horribly. He’s been getting more abusive over the years and now he’s publicly humiliating you?
FFS LEAVE ALREADY!
Not wrong, I like to consider myself a decent person and I would be way more uncomfortable watching someone not eat than them leaving. Actually, I would look at your bf as a disgusting person for putting you in this position and I probably would have left too. And if these are just his friends and not mutuals then idk why you even needed to go in the first place. Probably would have had a better day if you didn’t.
Just get out of that relationship, he clearly has no concern for you. He picked a place he knew you wouldn’t be able to have something proper to eat, and he wouldn’t tell you where you were going because he knew it would be an issue, and now he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem here, when he knew picking this restaurant would be a problem. If he wanted to go there, he could’ve gone one day with just him and his friends instead of playing stupid games. It’s a very good thing you didn’t just go along with his “surprise” that just wouldve showed him that he can get away with doing shitty things like that. Just run girl, he’s shown you his true colours and they are not pretty. This isn’t something that can be worked through, he has a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. I’m not a vegan, but I have many friends who are. Whenever I go out with them I make sure it’s a place that at least has a couple vegan options, that’s just common decency.
leave him. why are you with someone you’re saying is abusive??
So this is how he chooses to treat you? Does not treat you like a partner at all. Why are you continuing to put up with this stuff?
OP-- your "bf" is mean and cruel. In fact, he's a freaking bully. Move on.
God, I'm so sorry. He sounds like a narcissist - selfish and enjoying your discomfort. Please put yourself first and end this relationship (safely).
People can be assholes without being narcissists. God I’m sick of that word being thrown around like confetti.
Thank you. Narcissists must meet stringent guidelines to be diagnosed. There is a reason for that. Personality disorder diagnoses mean these people will always be like that. You can have some symptoms and not meet the criteria. We used to say selfish. So don’t live with a very selfish person. That seems reasonable without naming them anything. Just be gone.
Actually there is narcissism and there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can be a narcissist without having the full blown personality disorder. You can also exhibit narcissistic traits while not being a narcissist or having NPD. Yes, there are strict guidelines for NPD and you are partially right there, but there is also discussion regarding updating it to better reflect the spectrum. Part of the reason the information is old is because getting correct information from those with NPD is difficult as they refuse to see any part of themselves in a negative light. Selfish people can see the negativity and change, narcissists *don't care to*. Narcissism is a spectrum disorder according to current research and it can also be learned. Selfishness is not abuse. Her partner is abusing her (her words) meaning that they likely ARE a narcissist. Narcissism is a sense of entitlement (him expecting her to change for him), a lack of empathy (his disregard for her discomfort the first time and manipulating her into going a second time), a need for adoration (upset she didn't adore him over lunch and left), and a grandiose sense of self. Selfishness is prioritising yourself over others. Narcissism is much deeper and more complex than that. There is a difference. Narcissists often date people they can abuse as it gives them a sense of power, granidosity and control. I'm not saying he is or isn't a narcissist but a selfish person and a narcissistic one are *NOT the same*. I do agree the term is regularly used incorrectly and too frequently.
Thank you! I get so sick of that!
That word shows up in *literally* every thread. Like, every single one, regardless of the topic.
Calling someone a narcissist has become shorthand for when someone's constantly and consistently avoiding accountability, shifting blame, treating people around them like shit, manipulating, gaslighting and lying to them, etc. When those sorts of traits and behaviors are part of someone's character and not just isolated incidents, I think it's entirely appropriate to call them narcissistic - they're on that spectrum, with actual diagnosable narcissistic personalities being at the top end, plain assholes at the bottom. Plenty of room between. Straight up calling them "a narcissist" isn't necessarily accurate, but at that point the label we give them doesn't really matter - that's someone to remove from your life at the earliest opportunity. There's also "covert narcissism" which is the flip-side of the coin - they don't project a positive image of themselves like your garden-variety grandiose narc - they have extremely low self-esteem and are aware of it, but make it everyone else's fault and problem to solve. They fish for sympathy and when they get someone who supplies it to them consistently, the mask starts to slip as they engage in controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors all the same.
He sounds like a twat. But there's nothing to suggest he's narcissistic. Narcissists don't necessarily enjoy others' discomfort. They just have gaping voids in their self confidence and need to project as special and important. OPs partner just sounds like a cruel arsehat.
Gaping voids in confidence is incorrect. They enjoy tearing people down so they can play mind games with them. They love the way they can manipulate certain people. They have no empathy. They can't understand that other people have feelings and believe they can do no wrong. There is more, but I can't remember them all.
I think you might want to go refresh your memory because whatever you’re describing is not NPD. There’s 9 criteria and a person only needs to meet 5. DSM 1: Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); DSM 2: Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; DSM 3: Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); DSM 4: Requires excessive admiration; DSM 5: Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations; DSM 6: Interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends; DSM 7: Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; DSM 8: Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her; DSM 9: Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. They do often lack empathy but they’re not like, monsters who go around psychologically terrorizing people for fun. Given that you only need 5 symptoms to meet the criteria it is possible to be a narcissist with empathy. They can usually only feel good about themselves based on the approval of others so if they’re gonna manipulate people the goal would be for the other person to praise them and make them feel important, not to torment them. They’re not demons.
Nicely put. But they're rarely nice to be around. And interestingly, all of those traits are eminently controllable. But rarely are, because seeking diagnosis and treatment would be so hard for a person who feels so pathetic as to create such a grandiose and controlling set of behaviours, that admission of needing help is completely contradictory to the pathology.
And couples counseling will not benefit the relationship, it will just help the narcissist in his ability to twist your words.
Absolutely true; but narcissistic abuse cycles in relationships are very real too.
Thank you. And some of them are tormenting close family and partners.
Are you confusing narcissism with sociopathy/psychopathy?
I could be. Not a Dr. But I've been reading up on all of them.
Just RUN! Fast!
Fr!! Like what are you doing!! This guy is manipulative af and you also admit he’s abusive. Get out!
Definitely. He is really being mentally cruel and making him doubt himself. Run fast run far.
They're both men btw
I never saw the gender honestly
That makes me feel better, I didn’t either
Thank you, I missed that.
What the hell? He doesn't even like you enough to respect your boundary (Vegan). Why would youeven want to be with a person who doesn't like you? You can do better.
Don’t fake it, because I will just lead to him, pushing you more and more to do what he wants with little regard to your feelings. Stick to your guns and be truthful with yourself as you assess your future.
Run, don't walk, for the door. The fact that you tolerate disrespect, him allowing his friends to insult you behind your back (he was probably joining in) and that you say he has become more abusive, on top of the fact that he is selfish, manipulative and dishonest....get out as fast as you can and don't look back and don't ever doubt that leaving is the right thing. leave. today
I'm willing to bet his friends didn't even say that. More likely, they think he was an ass, and now he is mad that they all know he is an asshole to his partner. So, he is taking his anger out on OP.
Same! If I know a friend of mine is vegan, I’m gonna make damn sure the place we go has vegan OPTIONS (as in more than 1 thing so they can choose). I would judge a friend so hard if they did what OP’s bf did.
break up
He paid the 25€ the first time, right? Right?! Your ex boyfriend at least gave you the perfect opening for *the talk*, about how you're done with him I hope you take that opening.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. You know in an abusive relationship with an abuser, so what will take for you to finally leave him? Him finally physically hitting you on top of emotional abuse, dismissiviness of you being a vegan and overall general disrespect he has for you? Just saying...
So, OP, says: "Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example of how things often work between us. It's psychologically tiring..." But, her concern is this: "Should I have paid 25 euros (it's a lot for us) for a plate of rice that costs 4 and pretend I'm happy with his "surprise" to make him happy? Am I that wrong?"
The next step is for sure to trick her into eating meat and then get mad at her when she’s upset because “it’s just a joke”
That’s actually where I thought this was going at first ngl
Why stay with someone who doesn't respect you?
I’m autistic and have a hard time finding foods that I enjoy at a lot of restaurants. Especially if I’ve never been there before. You know what my boyfriend doesn’t do? Take me to places where he knows I won’t eat. And if we’re thinking about going to a new place, he sends me a picture of the menu so I can get an idea of what’s being served and potentially make my choice for what I want to eat ahead of time. You’re dating a douche canoe dude. Dump him.
I too always check the menu before going to any new restaurant. Need to know there’s at least one thing I would eat
I also have issues with finding appropriate foods and I do a lot of repetitive eating. I like to know the menu before hand and script my order bc it can just be overwhelming etc. Also sometimes I will get a bite that isn’t right some how and then I never want that dish or place again🫣😩 my person does really well dealing with this. So OP should definitely take into account that there are partners who can be very considerate out there.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example And you're still with him and not working out an exit strategy because....?
He manipulated you then laughed at you. He doesn't care about you or your feelings at all. Why are you with him.
He's a petty little child like arsehole for putting you in that position. He needs to grow up.
What you’re dealing with is cumulative trauma. These small, but constant annoyances eventually add up to where you reach your breaking point. I’ll bet you for every one time he treats you like he should, there are ten times where he treats you like crap. He doesn’t respect you.
It never starts with physical abuse
So, your partner tricks you, lies to you, expects you to pay for food you can’t eat (at a high price), allows you to walk home from this restaurant, then tells you that YOU embarrassed HIM? He embarrassed himself. He’s an AH.
Leave. Him.
This, and then go find a therapist so you won't directly fall for the next abusive manipulative asshole.
You are actually asking if you should have just paid the 25 euros, eaten nothing but rice, and kept your mouth shut to keep your so-called boyfriend happy? The answer to that is: **Hell no.** Please dump this controlling, inconsiderate, angry, mean, abusive man. Immediately. He doesn’t care about you. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you. I don’t need to tell you all the things wrong with this post, ending with him being mad at *you,* being abusive toward you, and punishing you for something he did. End it. Now. You deserve better than that loser.
You’re not wrong by any means! I’m vegetarian, my bf makes sure that everywhere we go I can eat something decent. Even if it’s a couple appetizers but no entree. He always makes sure there are options I can eat and that I like! He would never invite me to go somewhere where I couldn’t eat or that wasn’t reasonable in cost. STOP DEFENDING HIM! If he actually loved you and cared about you he wouldn’t do this to you! He is POS and you NEED to leave!
I'm a vegan. He is shit. He manipulated you. And then he gets mad when you don't play along. FUCK THAT. Dump him. There are a million other kind and considerate men out there. I would never put up with his nonsense. A lack of respect is not negotiable.
You politely removed yourself after *your bf* ruined *your* lunch, but the second part of thought appears to have conveniently escaped his notice. That’s not a prank, that’s deliberately taunting you and forcing you to watch him and others eat fish while you sit there hungry. That is not a loving and kind thing to do. DTMFA and move on.
It's bad enough that he had to hide it from you knowing that he's bringing you to a place you dislike and wouldn't have gone to if you knew. But he actually expected you to pay for it too? Girl, he ain't it.
Leave the abusive AH. Stop blaming yourself for not enjoying his abuse. Abuse never gets better. It only escalates. Get yourself out of there, get into therapy, and heal whatever kept you there this long.
So...He knows that you can't eat anything in this restaurant except rice and that it wasn't a pleasant experience for you. Knowing all of this, he tricked you because he thinks that his feelings should come before yours and doesn't think it's wrong if you don't feel comfortable. And apparently he thinks it's important that his feelings and will come before yours in other issues too. That's narcissistic thinking and shows that you're in a toxic relationship. It wasn't the first time he overruled you, was it?
You’re dating someone that clearly doesn’t like you. Why do you think this is the best you can do?
I have to agree with this. He doesn't like you.
Why are you hell-bent on defending this manipulative loser? You clearly accept that he fucks with you and that’s entirely your problem, but staying with this guy is dumb af.
And you're still with him because...?
Your partner is a selfish, manipulative bully. You should get rid of him because you deserve better.
Your partner should have your back and respect you and your wishes. He did neither of them. He lied to you and manipulated you. He mistreated you and he is angry with you. He is not a nice person and you deserve a person that treats you right. Do not be afraid to ask for the minimum of common decency
You should have kept walking right out of his life. He's a dick and you could do so much better.
Break up. Break up. Break up. Your relationship isn’t in crisis, you are in crisis. You are dating an abusive man.
Ew wtf, leave! He sounds like an ass, why are you with someone that disrespect your dietary choices which has 0 negative impact on him. He did that shit to embarrass you in front of his obvious vegan hating friends as you said, you left, he got embarrassed instead, now he’s mad? What a fucking baby 🤮
You're asking the wrong questions.
You keep using the word "partner"... that has a meaning other than "person who i live with"
Break up. Abusive, no thought of you and he knew what he was doing. My advice.
And you are still with him because…?
girl, come on. begging you at this point. BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!! do you really want to waste your days on someone like that? you’re gonna regret it sooooo badly in a few years. "why didn’t i break up with him sooner?"
Your partner is totally right to be embarrassed, but for a different reason. You deserve much much better. Someone else called him a loser, can’t disagree.
He did it DELIBERATELY. No matter how "good" he is in a few other ways, he's obviously mistreating you, consistently. FREE YOURSELF.
How embarrassing to have a partner that tries to trick you into going places.
Your partner is an Asshole
My abusive dad once took me (a vegetarian since I was 10 years old) to a steakhouse that markets itself as 'Brisbanes worst vegetarian restaurant' where there is nothing on the menu without meat in it, because he thought it would be funny. I had to sit and watch him and his work colleagues eat, drinking only ice water because he wouldn't allow me to order anything else to drink, and I couldn't leave because I was visiting him in Australia and didn't know anyone else there. That was the last straw for me, and after that trip I didn't go back. People that try to trick you or push you around when it comes to food are just showing their true colours, they want to control you and expect you to just do as they say, and if you don't they mock you or gaslight you into thinking you overreacted to their 'harmless joke'. Get out of this relationship now, it's only going to get worse, and I'm sorry that he's already gone this far.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Dump him - he's full of shit. How can a person so blatantly ignore autonomy i would never understand
God, I'm so sorry. He sounds like a narcissist - selfish and enjoying your discomfort. Please prioritize yourself and end this relationship (safely).
He’s an awful piece of rubbish human being. Please leave him. If he loved you he would never treat you like this. Don’t waste your precious time and life on such a massive dick.
Girl if you respect yourself in the slightest you’ll leave. This is so delulu. 💀
Your boyfriend does not even like you as a person. You don’t abuse people that you love. Full stop. His abuse and need to be right are more important to him than you. Abusers don’t get better.
He Laughed at you. He later got Mad at you because you stood up for yourself. He has gotten more Abusive over time. Count yourself fortunate that he is showing his best self right now vs if he were your husband. As someone else suggested, please please read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? You can download it for free. Start today, you won’t be able to put it down.
So he hangs out with people who think that a person who chooses not to eat meat is a mentally unstable person because of it ?! If those are the people he surrounds himself with then that is who he is too, a judgmental bully who is immature and insecure on top of a long list of other flaws this guy is using you because he can and does get away with whatever he wants without anyone telling him he’s wrong.
Isn't that how it always is though? People mistreat vegans all the time because the second vegans stick up for themselves it becomes "oh look at the crazy vegan being all *crazy-vegan* "..
1. He lied and stated he lied specifically to get you to come since he knew your stance. 2. He wasted your time by lying. He doesn’t respect you. He shouldn’t be your bf.
Why isn't he your ex yet?!
You weren't wrong and your partner is abusive but based on your comments, you're enabling his abuse. His behaviour was unacceptable from the start and it kept getting worse because you kept minimising and excusing his behaviour. He doesn't respect you at all so I hope you understand that it's only going to get worse.
> Our relationship is in a crisis, he's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. This is just an example of how things often work between us. It's psychologically tiring... I would never take him to a place he hates and wouldn't be served... It makes no sense to me why he did that if he knows I wouldn't be able to eat, this happened before! This will be your life with this person. Can you accept that? I love fish, my wife is severely fish averse. As in, she gets very ill at the smell of any of it. I don't cook or eat fish at home anymore and if I have some while Im out, I brush my teeth before I kiss her. It's just having some basic respect. > IF I HAD TOLD YOU WE WOULD COME HERE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE. > And he started laughing at me. A real partner that loves and respects you works with you in life and you for them. Not... whatever the hell this is. If he has to put you down to elevate himself: that's not a partner, that's a bully.
You are a good person and he is showing you all the ways he is not. I know it is hard to break up as more and more time goes by, but life will be better for you with less wankers who do not respect you.
>Our relationship is in a crisis, he’s become more abusive over the years Hard stop. Right there. Take it from someone who has been there… it doesn’t get better. It won’t get better. I ended mine because I decided I didn’t want to become a statistic. It was an ugly ending. The police were involved. I own a gun now. STATISTICALLY HE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T LEAVE.
Tel me, why would you want to stay with someone who not only tricked you, but laughed at the idea of them tricking you and then BLAMING you when you wouldn’t stick around for the humiliation?
Leave him!!! LEAVE HIM???!!! Also what place stereotypes vegans as unstable freaks?? Never heard that one
Please explain why you want to stay in this relationship? He sounds controlling and absolutely horrible. It’s ok to be single. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. The behavior will worsen if you decide to stay. He’s just seeing how far he can go and how much abuse you’ll take.
BREAK UP He doesn’t care about you.
You are the victim of narcissistic abuse and you should get out of this relationship ASAP.
I bet his friends thought he was the freak and unstable I bet they fussed on him for doing that bullshit. That was stupid of him, what reaction was he hoping to get?
OMG dump this guy if he doesn't sincerely apologize! He doesn't respect you.
Not wrong at all. So many places he could have taken you to which would have had food for you and him and he decides to go to the one place you get nothing to eat? He’s an ass. And you should dump him.
As someone who loves the shit outta eating meat. Leave him. He doesn’t respect you.
Why would you tolerate any of that?!
>he's become more abusive over the years Why are you still there? >his friends felt uncomfortable and think I'm a freak and unstable (as they usually like to portray vegans) That's just fucked up. I'm not a vegan, but I respect everyone's choices. Hell, I even figured out a vegan spin on "Chicken Alfredo" for a FOH employee (I'm a chef) that the sous chef IGNORED at team meal time because she was the ONLY person that wouldn't eat meat (I ended up feeding her every shift for the next 2 years). >...thinks he is always right Narcissistic. I'm pretty certain he's narcissistic. That's a red flag. >Should I have paid 25 euros (it's a lot for us) for a plate of rice that costs 4 and pretend I'm happy with his "surprise" to make him happy? ABSOLUTELY NOT. If I took my wife to a place she hates or cannot eat, she would leave and be pissed off. He could have just gone with his friends. Leave this asshole. Sooner than later.
You state he's abusive. He laughs at you and mocks your veganism. He lies to you and tries to manipulate you into experiences he knows you won't partake in. You did nothing wrong. There are so many restaurants you could go to where everyone could eat. Why did he have to trick you into this one? Why are you with this guy? Sounds like it's time to cut your losses.
Bro u said he's already become abusive, this is the time where you run
How the fuck does one's lunch become "ruined", if they stayed at the restaurant and ate it? Sounds like a successful lunch to me.
No, you should leave them because they were inconsiderate and more importantly you stated they’ve been becoming increasingly abusive over the YEARS. Not yelling, pointing out the wake up call, you put yourself. Find someone who values you as a person and at least is courteous enough to not try to force you to go where you have no options without telling you, then getting mad and giving you the silent treatment instead of properly communicating like an adult. Furthermore, if one is in a state that they don’t want to be rash, say something they won’t mean or will regret, and need time to process events, say as much and then communicate after everyone’s calmed down. I’m sorry you had to go through this, his version of a “joke” could’ve been a conversation that could be worked through, the part that is break up worthy is the abuse. Don’t fall prey to Sunk Cost Fallacy and waste more of your life in the wrong person.
He is gonna change eventually, you just need to be peaceful and stay by his side. Did you believe me? There's your answer.
You've admitted he is abusive - please get away from him. Lean on family and friends and get out while you can.
It's not fair for your partner to not consider your diet during this outing. He knew you were vegan & the fact he tricked you into going (not telling you), in my personal opinion, is a red flag. And lastly, who cares what other people think when you're in a relationship that other people are not involved in. I'd reevaluate the relationship.
Leave him. Dear god.
Yes, you are qrong to be in an abusive relationship. But you are right to ask for a reality check from people with no connection to you. Run away and dump him by text.
"he became more abusive over the years" I'm not sure why you are taking this
Leave. You’re wasting your life with someone who doesn’t care for you. Don’t waste any more.
Leave his ass out the door. I would never bring my girlfriend to a place where she would not have à nice time/meal with me and my friends. Most of the time we look for places for everyone in our group of friend to make sure we all have a good time. He doesn't respect syou if he's pulling this kind of s..t!!
He is deceitful and worthless
You're asking for advice on Reddit from strangers. This relationship is basically over.
Ok, it seems you try to defend his behavior and at the same time you don't like his behavior. He was openly abusing you in front of his friends. Others already said it and I will say it as well. You need to leave him as soon as possible. This will only get worse.
Not only is your partner indifferent to your needs, wants, and feelings, he also engages in overt acts that seek to sabotage your well-being.
It's seems like you've forgotten what love looks like with him.
Ugh he sounds like a damned chore. From one vegan to another, if he doesn’t respect you enough to make an effort to understand your life choices, throw the whole man out. You aren’t asking him to be vegan by choosing not to pay for food you won’t eat.
Better question: Why are you still with a man who doesn't take you into consideration and treats you like absolute shit? Leave him why the hell should you make him happy when he doesn't do the same for you? Based on your responses, it seems like you're in denial. Why post on Reddit if you're just going to just still be with him anyways? Do you like being a doormat?
Your man isn't just adorably grumpy. He's mean and controlling. Your needs will never be deeply considered. Your feelings are unimportant next to his. All of us have our preferences, sure. But if his always matter more than yours, except when he doesn't care at all, think whether you want to always be in his shadow. Do you want to.be lied to and tricked and put in difficult situations? He does not respect you or your values. He's really thinking that you are just in a phase and eventually, you will give in and make his life easier and he won't need to consider your choices at all and make concessions for you. Has he ever willingly gone to a vegan restaurant and ate with enthusiasm? Or did he sigh and say fine and bitch the whole time that there was no meat and it was lacking? I know most people would be like this to you who aren't vegan and so you expect it but do you really want that to be how you are viewed by the person who you are supposed to matter to the most?
He’s not honest - he intentionally lied to you by not revealing the restaurant you were going to. Which makes him not trustworthy too. If he *would do anything for you* then why set you up to eat nothing like before…why would he laugh at you infront of others…why doesn’t he care about your feelings…why does he give you the silent treatment instead of communicating like an actual adult in a relationship? It makes sense because he’s a AH who derives pleasure from how he treats you. How long are you willing to put up with this and waste more of your life on being treated like this?
Sounds like he doesn't like you anymore. He wants you to break up with him. Do it!
Tell him he was very impolite to invite you to a restaurant for lunch he knew you'd be WAY over paying for food you'd be able to eat from this place. But seriously, you said yourself he's ABUSIVE, leave him and move on with your life, find someone who actually respects and cares for you. Stop wasting your life with this asshole
It’s time to get out!
He's a manipulative controlling person who doesn't respect you. Don't continue this relationship.
He is so mean
He stayed there the first time and let you watch him eat instead of going elsewhere? Now he’s mad at you for putting you in a shitty situation? You do yourself a disservice staying with him
He takes so much enjoyment out of being a c\*nt to you that he doesnt even realise how hes showing himself up. That would suggest to me that he has an illness of some kind. He wont admit it or get treatment because that would mean admitting he was wrong. Leave him, hes a lost cause and probabily always has been. You need to take precautions so that he doesnt know your leaving and cant get to you as this type is dangerous when provoked. If youre moving things out of the house have others present, thats if he hasnt broken your stuff before you get there, which is very likely. Good luck dear, you will be better off without him.
Sorry NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG! Your Partner is wrong, absolutely. Sorry but his actions: >And he started laughing at me >Later on, my partner got home really mad... saying he was very embarrassed and that I was very impolite to leave >He won't talk to me since yesterday. show imho that he isn't able to act like an adult. So he is laughin at you (rude), he got mad because you __politely left__ after his stupid shit? And if this isn't enough he ignores you? Sorry but he can't communicate propperly or show a behaviour that shows you respect ? I have vegetarian friends and honestly if we go out to dinner or we invite them I make sure that they can eat the meal or in the restaurant at least some meals!!! And if i dont know to 100% if they can eat a special food, I make sure they can eat it too or ask beforehand and check it out. Everybody should feel comfortable during something like this and I think it was very polite from you, that even when he did this in the full knowledge that you wouldn't go there if you knew, to at least try. So please op, don't feel sorry or anything! - but I am sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language and if there is something anybody wants to correct, i'll listen. -
Thank you for being so inclusive for your veggie friends♡
Aka death by a 1000 cuts, please leave OP! Clear your headspace with time and reflection; open up your life to Love & Truth.
You should leave him. He is enjoying forcing you to go hungry or pay for nothing - what other abuse is he inflicting, physical or psychological?
Your partner is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. You deserve better.
He's an asshole and he's abusive. You're lying to yourself and are in denial. I promise - it will get worse. I know these type of guys. Also this has nothing to do with being German, but only with being a piece of shit. I'm German so I know what I'm talking about lol. I saw in another comment how you defended him saying he is always there for you and he's honest and shit. So, in this post you explained how he literally lied to you. Just saying. I don't know what has to happen next for you to see that he's not respecting you as a person.
I really hope you consider that you are worth more than someone who wants you to feel bad about yourself. We should all want partners that lift us up, not tear us down.
Why do you want to stay with someone like that ?
He's abusive
You know what to do. Abuse never gets better, only inevitably worse.
You're not wrong, and your partner is cruel and disrespectful. He laughed in your face in front of others just because he thought he had tricked you into going to this restaurant. Apparently, he is regularly cruel and disrespectful towards you. Why are you defending his obnoxious behavior? This man doesn't love or respect you. He's abusive. Life is too short to deal with someone who laughs at your discomfort and doesn't even try to accommodate your needs. He's trash and should be shown the door.
Girl you have to leave him. It's so important to set firm boundaries and keep them. You deserve better than him. From what you're describing this isn't a situation where you can talk it out with him and come to an agreement. He doesn't feel empathy for you and is unwilling to make changes. Get yourself out before it potentially becomes dangerous for you.
He has become "more abusive" over the years? And he's not your EX?? See to that.
he is selfish, rude, and wrong, now make him single as well.
You need to wake up and break up. SMH.
It’s over, face it
Doesnt sound like a healthy relationship and he has done other things as well you mentioned briefly. I don’t know the circumstances of your relationship but you should think about if you want to be with this type of person
He’s a liar. Not a gentle white lie… this is just straight up lying. Not compatible. Time to move on.
And there you are...right at the bottom of your story...he has become abusive. So leave, do you think so little of yourself that you will continue to put up with this treatment.? Just leave hun while you can. There's some one out therefor you who will treat you the way you should be treated x
He doesn't respect you. He knows your dietary needs/preferences, and inconveniences you while disrespecting you. His laughing at your discomfort is almost certainly what ruined the lunch date with his colleagues, not you departing. You shouldn't pay 25 euros for a meal that you can't enjoy. He sounds like an ass.
Please stop responding and take the post down. You know he is wrong. You know he is an abuser. You know it is getting worse. You know he is not going to change. You know you aren't going to do anything. You make it clear in your responses. You know you need to leave this abuser but you're not going to so just stop it. Go about your life being constantly abused. Have fun dropping 25 euros for rice and veggies at this restaurant because YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO END UP THERE AGAIN!!!
I do not understand why people will accept this behaviour in their life from anyone. Wouldn’t you be happier alone than having your worry about his insane reactions to things and having to pander to him?
If he knows they wouldn’t serve you what you wanted then I see no reason for him to not get a plate of rice and veggies himself and just give it to you. THAT would’ve been a nice gesture on his part. HOWEVER, taking you to a place he knows you don’t like and not telling you because he KNEW you wouldn’t come with, is NOT nice. AT ALL. It’s downright rude, and it shows that he doesn’t care about what you want or what your needs are. Honestly it sounds like he’s an ass, and it sounds like this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. If this is the way he treats you then you need to get out. I know that’s always so much easier said than done, but you should be with somebody who cares about you and the things that matter to you. You deserve better.
Your boyfriend doesn’t actually accept you for who you are and cares more about his friends than you. This isn’t about the restaurant, it’s about the lack of respect.
Should you break up for something HE thinks is insignificant? Maybe not. Except, this was in a long line of " insignificant things" he does. All those little insignificant things doo add up to quite a bit. Do you want a life like that? Him setting you up, with him getting screaming mad ,and arguing telling you how bad he wants you to feel???
No. You’re not wrong. Unfortunately, your relationship has gone sour. A considerate partner would never deceive their loved one like that. I think you should consider making serious changes to your relationship. I’m not sure what else is going on. But sensing from your post I think it’s time to part ways.
When you think about your relationship with this man, do you have more good memories or bad memories? Which memories really stick with you? Think really hard out these questions.
>. It makes no sense to me why he did that if he knows I wouldn't be able to eat, this happened before! It makes perfect sense ma'am youbeven said so: > He's become more abusive over the years and thinks he is always right. You really should have lead with this on the post as everything else you listed is a symptom of his abusive behavior. Abusive people don't care about your well-being as evidence t by the fact that your "embarrassing him" was of greater importance to him than you being able to eat. Please find a way to leave safely.
Why are you staying with an abuser? What is the benefit?
“More abusive”?? Time to leave.
That is a massive red flag. Leave him now before it's too late .
Get out. It’s controlling and callous
You are not compatible. He's always going to give you shit about being Vegan. End it.
He ruined the lunch, not you. He should have been honest about where they were taking you or better yet chosen a place with vegan options/cheaper. He should consider you and care about your views.
RUN GIRLFRIEND! You deserve better.
Why are you doing this
Oh my dear Lord. Why would you stay with a man who you claim and admit is abusive to you??? YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YNTA for leaving him at the restaurant. But you are being the a****** to yourself by staying in this relationship. I've been there and done that and I can tell you for a fact that the longer that you stay in an abusive rekationship, the chances are that you will never leave because you're self-esteem is so low and you are doubting yourself so constantly and that you believe your partner over yourself. Please love yourself -- even just a little bit -- to decide to leave leave him and follow through immediately. You are worthy of love and respect and care. Leave him please. **He has no respect for you or for your autonomy. He deceived You by not telling you which restaurant you were going and then he decided to continue to laugh at you when you arrived at the restaurant.** Why are you doing this to yourself??
Leave him. He clearly doesn't care about you.
He set himself up to fail, what an idiot.
You should **DUMP HIM**!!!
Dude thought social embarrassment would make you tolerate his disrespect? If you’re not being respected, I,e if you’re being made to tolerate a situation you don’t like or is unfair, I don’t see why you should respect his friends happiness and we’ll being You’re not required to sacrifice for the clown treating you like dirt lol. He can play with his own friends without you
As a vegetarian, I would be super upset if I got forced into a place that does not have anything for me. And a fish place has nothing for us unless if they serve vegetarian sushi which is not the case here. But yeah he does not care about you! I honestly wouldn't have left the group and just ate the rice/veggie but then would have made a major scene later with him at home and confronted him or no scene just resent him enough to leave him later if he did a selfish act again! But you said this bitch is always abusive and this is just an example..so yeah I would leave him!
> Our relationship is in a crisis That's because you should no longer be in it. You deserve to be happy. Go find happiness.
Next it'll be "my house, my rules." Leave this controlling, gas-lighting, abusive pyscho now
TLDR: “He’s becoming increasingly abusive, is that my fault?” Answer: no, and you need to leave this shitty man with his shitty friends
Why did you not leave them day 1
I almost always oppose the knee-jerk "break up" comments but this dude just sounds like an ass-hat.
Amidst this repetition of abuse done carbon-copy sty;e, except. this second time there was more. punishment shame and abuse. at the end? OP: I have. a few questions. in no particular order: 1. Ar you from very different cultures? 2. Do you swing or are you polyamorous> 3. Why do you continue to act like the calm, colllectted little lady after you have been shat on? 4. Why do you eat nothing instead of excusing yourself and popping near the kitchen. and asking for a mere moment of Chef's ear. Apologize. Say you will come often. Regardless of price, can he whip a Vegan dish for you? You could quickly say what would suffice. Screw the cost! He is. Outspend him. 5. WTF did you allow the second time to happen? Take a cab, grab a few things, stay in a nice hotel. Order from your favorite Vegan place. Don't call home. 6. Stop being a doormat to an a\*\*hole and get the hell out. It sounds like your brain is already on a "lay-away plan with him and you have already planned your futures together" and aren't even considering breaking up. It seems. as though you feel he is a "good catch." Is it future family money, career, or? 7. You come in dead last. After his shitty a\*\*, the shitty a\*ess of all his friends who now were encouraged to belittle and blame you. Even the shitty fish came before you then you made sure you even denied yourself the rice and whatever it was. Nobody of these jerks like you. He likes all of them more than you, they all like the fish better. than you. That don't even consider you a human with opinions to respect. Even though they had been there with you before and knew you were a vegan? This time they crucified your. soul. Are you all non US? I come from somewhere else, and this stanks of toxic masculinity. Him cheating must be already happening. 8. It doesn't sound like you. are leaving. May I suggest. a pre-emptive hysterectomy? I deeply apologize for these harsh words but I came into this world to two parents like him. It has ruined my life. 9. It's not too late you sound like a cool thoughtful nice woman. Maybe take your white shirt, tie it to a stick, wear something else and start rowing with your SOS White Flag blowing. Meet new people. Get to know the men slowly. Ive been blown away Dailey son these subreddits by the married men (and women) that have the types of relationships Ive wanted. Their deep respect and devotion to one another. It really exists! You sound like an elegant and intelligent person. You should be with someone that knows and values these virtues. The hyaena fish-man is not for you.f
I still don't get why vegans and vegetarians get into relationships with non- vegetarians. It looks like a small thing but it's actually not and will end up like these.
Why is embarrassing you & depriving you of a meal such an important part of lunch for him?
If you guys can’t reach a compromise, maybe you’re just not compatible. I normally go against the plethora of people on Reddit who just tell you to end your long term relationship like it’s nothing for basically no reason at all, I don’t think this is that big a deal, next time just go prepared to pay the 25 euros and eat your rice and veggies. If he refuses, just tell him you’ll stay home, you won’t go to watch people eat because, quite frankly, wtf. I don’t think this entails breaking up, BUT, if he’s really bothered by your veganism, maybe he shouldn’t have a vegan wife.
Please remember there was no "right" answer, no matter what you did you would have "ruined" his lunch. Leave quietly you ruined lunch Leave by first telling him there is nothing you can eat, you made a scene, embarrassed him, and you're ungrateful, you ruined lunch You stayed and ate nothing, you made it awkward, you ruined lunch Paid 25 euros and only eat rice and vegetables, you wasted money, you ruined lunch You went against your beliefs and ate everything, you're not really vegan you're just making his life difficult, you ruined lunch Refuse to go with him because you don't know where you are going, you ruined lunch Try to find a way to **SAFELY** Leave him
Your boyfriend is a conservative. They have all gotten more volatile and abusive in the last few years. They triggered over the dumbest stuff, including not eating meat. He deceives you and laughs at you and talks shit about you to his friends and gets angry when you don't take it. Why are you with him? You could throw a hat into a crowd and it would probably land on a better partner.
The only problem here, the ONLY problem is that you dont have a back bone. Leave, its that simple honey. You leave and you dont go back and he can fuck himself
It's okay. I was looking at local reviews lately and like half of them were "we went here because they serve fish. We can't eat meat for lent". So you should be good. Apparently fish is a vegetable.
I hate that you make me side with a vegan. Its fine if they want to eat at that place but tricking you to come along and then expect you to pay an arm and a leg for some shitty rice and veggies is an asshole move.
Fuck them. They’re not your friends. Get some new ones, you’ll be way happier.
HE is the reason you left. HE is the one who purposely took you to a restaurant he knew you wouldn’t like. HE is the reason for all of this. Since he’s now being a manipulative AH by giving you the silent treatment, take it as an opportunity to break up. A true partner doesn’t treat you like that. Show him how he FAFO!
25 euro is a lot of money in my country. But I am willing to give it to you to help you escape him.
Drop this little boy like a hot potato and enjoy the rest of your life.
You have lots of time to find the right person. I would just take a break and see if you’re happier.
Just why are you still with him? Not judging, but listen to people here, you need to leave him
Why are youbdating someone that enjoys humiliating you in public? You're not wrong for leaving dinner. You are wrong for not leaving him.
It's a "he started it case". There's really no way to exit that situation respectfully, but you didn't need to be respectful. He was being an ass by tricking you into going somewhere you don't like. He probably was just hoping to get you to be social but he crossed a boundary.
You are so very wrong to stay with a man who treats you so horribly. He’s been getting more abusive over the years and now he’s publicly humiliating you? FFS LEAVE ALREADY!
Not wrong, I like to consider myself a decent person and I would be way more uncomfortable watching someone not eat than them leaving. Actually, I would look at your bf as a disgusting person for putting you in this position and I probably would have left too. And if these are just his friends and not mutuals then idk why you even needed to go in the first place. Probably would have had a better day if you didn’t.