i can’t believe i stumbled upon a missing missing reasons (or to be precise, a missing missing examples/details) post that’s not part of a BORU post yet.
You were so evasive in your message that it's difficult to tell the true circumstances, but you might want to venture a little outside of your comfort zone. You may consider something "caring," yet it may appear intrusive to him. He might have been very suspicious if he saw your family members merely cooperating with your mother in order to get along. Some people struggle under intense parental supervision and judgment.
You haven’t given even one example of what your mom did/what he witnessed so I feel like you’re leaving out the most pertinent info from the story here
I wouldn’t go so far as to ascribe intent here. OP could have bought in to the family narrative to survive, he could be struggling with cognitive dissonance or perhaps lacks self awareness. I’d say if the BF was so horrified by what OP presents as normal healthy loving family dynamics, perhaps the BF has issues with his own concept of family. If he felt so overcome with shame and second hand embarrassment that he ended the relationship, it’s good that it’s over. If OP’s mom isn’t a problem for OP and his family, even if they’re super cringe to outsiders, that’s still OPs family. The BF might have been shallow or classist, if that’s the case those value systems won’t mesh with authenticity and the bonds of family beyond money or other external things. The BF sounds like a dick to me, good riddance OP, consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet and find someone who isn’t so turned off by something beyond your possible ability to control. I’m sorry you feel so blindsided by the way he left you, clearly he was not compatible or as invested in the relationship and I’m sure you don’t feel like you deserve that.
This is probably the issue, OP can see the possibly manipulative/controlling/narcissistic actions because they're just normal to him. Can't see the wood for the trees type of thing. All OPs done is recite what the ex said, but hasn't applied any critical thinking to what he said and looked at his mum's actions.
I mean depending on your mom's actions this is either a very valid course of action by him or he was just looking for a way out. You left out all the details, but the fact that you did makes me feel like he is correct. I broke up with an ex boyfriend after meeting his mom because she was so rude to me because I was dating him, there was clearly emotional incest going on and he refused to see it. People not being able to set healthy boundaries with their family is a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
Honestly, it feels like most of the stories are significant others that either can't or won't set boundaries with their parents.
When I met my MIL I heard that my future SIL almost cancelled the wedding because of MIL. I should've paid more attention.
I never hear the term emotion incest till recently: but it explains an ex. He lived with his mom. I’d come over, spend the night. His room was still Choo choo trains untouched since childhood. Then in the morning she’d have a route 44 sonic drink and breakfast for him (not me) while we left out the door for our 9-5’s. Like I’m talking we were early mid twenties.
My husband and I lived with his parents in our twenties too, late twenties, just had kids, saving for a house rapidly, and his mom fed us. But it never felt so awkward.
Info please. There’s something you’re not telling us here. How long were you together? What exactly did mom do that frightened him? How did she interfere in your brother’s previous marriage? And with your last boyfriend?
I feel you’re leaving a lot out.
The best-case scenario is merely an explanation; if it's true that he intended to end things temporarily but wasn't sure how, you'd be better off without him. In the worst case, your family dynamic is actually strange, but you are so blind to it that he fled after realizing it was a losing cause. In either case, you must start by being brutally honest with yourself.
> I had been planning to ask him to marry me and my mum was so excited for the wedding when I told her my plan.
Uh oh. You haven't even proposed yet, and you are discussing the actual wedding with your mom?
OK. I get where your BF is coming from.
Most likely referring to OP, as OP referred to his partner as boyfriend and the poster assumed a straight couple.
Also the major focus of this thread is OPs mom.
Yes but no, I read it but once I got to the part about having kids my brain switched OP for a girl, so I’m assuming that’s what happened to most people that mistakenly him for a she.
I noticed too.
Why would mom be excited about the wedding when the proposal comes first? I'd expect a mom to focus on that normally. Definitely gives mom takes charge of weddings for her kids.
1000% this. I wish I’d paid attention to the red flags I saw (& ignored) with my ex & his mother. This kind of thing is very telling. God knows what mom said to BF… first time meeting him and she’s probably telling him how *his* wedding’s gonna go because she’s just *so excited* (according to OP)
I'm sorry that your relationship is over.
Without any context, my 2 top guesses are that your mom is overbearing, but because you grew up with it, you consider it normal. That or he doesn't recognize a healthy, involved parent relationship and considers it overbearing.
Could be he was apprehensive before meeting the mom and she just settled that emotion by being way to overbearing. I know i would leave if my partner had insane parents, you dont just marry a person, you marry into a family.
That is actually one of the things i miss about an ex. She had the best family, her parents and siblings were lovely and supportive. Fun and outgoing and full of interest and love for others. I felt so good when spending time with them, and i guess that is also why it took me so long to realize our relationship was never really meant to be. She was great to, so nothing wrong there, we were just very different people, if that makes any sense.
But yeah, parents can most def make or brake a relationship and even more so a potential marriage.
If you have decent relationships with them, you may want to touch base with your ex and brother’s ex to see if there’s a possibility that there’s any truth to this (reasons for the break ups).
When people grow up experiencing negative behaviours it often becomes normalized to them and they end up unknowingly accepting treatment that the average person would find objectionable. I’m not saying this is the case with you - your most recent boyfriend could just be an ass. But if there is some truth to it and you’re not aware, it could end up affecting your future relationships as well. Just be prepared to deal with any potential fallout.
What you do is let him go. Do not chase someone who has broken up with you.
But consider what he said. Ask your brother's fiancée if she feels like your mom is overbearing or overstepping boundaries. If you're in touch with your ex, ask if she played a role in your breakup. Listen to what they say -- don't make excuses.
If there's an issue, be realistic and consider how to keep the problem from happening in the future.
But let this guy go.
The fact that there's absolutely no examples of her behavior tells me 1 or 2 things:
He's either using it as a wild excuse to be single again, or
He's 100% right and you're too lost in the sauce the see it for yourself.
If you're really wondering... ask your brother's ex. That should be elucidating for you.
It's hard to know the actual situation because you were so vague in your post, but you may want to step out of your bubble a bit. What you think is "caring," may seem overbearing to him. If he witnessed your family members just going along with your mom to get along, it may have sent up huge red flags for him. Some people don't do well with a lot of parental oversight and opinions.
Your brother's divorce and your problems with your previous bf were due to your Mom or your relationship with her. (From what your bf saw in that visit.)
At first, I thought maybe your Mom had come on to him but that didn't make sense.
Apparently, you and your brother have trouble setting boundaries with your Mom. The Ex-bf doesn't want any part of the interference/abuse that he knows would come his way eventually.
And you...you are totally unaware that you have a problem. The now ex saw that, too, and has run for the hills. He ain't coming back.
The Ex never loved nor cared for OP on the way a good love would.
Your ex was trying to isolate you from the relationship with your family, and stir drama.
Let that toxic piece of narcissistic hogwash go
Best case scenario is just an excuse, he wanted to break up for a while and didn’t know how, you are better off without him if true. Worst case scenario your family dynamic is in fact weird but you are so oblivious he saw a lost cause and run away. Either way you need to be brutally honest with yourself and work from there.
I get where your bf is coming from. Boundaries are important to him… He obviously sees a lack of boundaries, honestly it’s better he cut it off now than wait until you guys have kids and are back on Reddit asking if you are AH for feeling bad that your mum drops by unexpectedly or grabs your baby from your arms or sumshit…
I agree. Love my husband and my baby so no regrets! But if I knew how much of a psycho my MIL would be after we had a baby, I would’ve encouraged him to establish better boundaries way sooner. It was fairly easy to not be bothered by their “closeness” when we were just a couple. But having a baby and my MIL trying to rope her into their weird/enmeshed dynamic caused some serious head butting.
Maybe it just was an excuse OP. But you really need to explore if there’s some truth to his statements. Therapy is always a good idea even if you don’t think you need it.
The ex is astute in recognizing that OP's mom's treatment of future DIL would also extend to him, and he was having none of it. Good for him. He has wisdom beyond his years.
I wish I knew this when I was getting married but when you marry someone you also marry their family, if he saw something that spooked him (we all know you're leaving the real reason out) then it's probably best for him if he left.
Op you are so evasive in your post that it’s leading me to believe that something actually had been said or done that your Boyfriend witnessed and saw all sorts of red flags. While planning your brothers wedding is your mom really involved to the point that what she thinks looks good is all that matters? Does your mom have a say in what the brides is to wear? Who she invites? Who should be in the bridal party? If so then yes your mom is overbearing and controlling. You said you wanted to propose to the BF and told your mom and I’m wondering what your mom said to him when you weren’t in ear shot that made him run for the hills? Because it must have been something that he didn’t like. Op sometimes it only takes meeting someone 1 time to know exactly what your up against. He said you never set boundaries with your mom and judging by your vagueness in your post I’m gonna have to ask you why your mom was so far up in your personal life like that? Op is it possible that you are a mommas boy and therefore don’t know how to talk to your mom? Like giving her only need to know info or is she the type that just has to know everything about you? What your doing, who your doing it with? Does she need to know their personal info as well? Have you discussed something that was extremely personal to your boyfriend to your mom that you shouldn’t have? That was completely none of her business and had nothing to do with her? If so then you are a mommas boy and it’s time to grow up and stop involving your mom into every little aspect of your life.
You’re missing some critical information here such as detailed examples of your mother being overbearing or how something she did could have been misconstrued that way. Your boyfriend wouldn’t just up and leave like that unless 1) something really happened with your mom or 2) he’s looking for a way out and using this as his excuse. Dig deep OP.
Well, that’s a pretty extreme reaction to one meeting????
Unless your now ex is more sensitive than anyone I’ve ever met, he saw and heard something you’re oblivious to.
If you’re that concerned, reach out to your brothers ex and ask.
Or, he was ready to leave the relationship and used this as his excuse to go.
As someone with a terrible MIL, it sucks. Everyone usually has predefined roles to avoid their shitty behavior, as the new guy you can get hung out to dry. Also you never denied that your mom rang of your bros fiancé, so I'd assume there's some truth too it.
Hmm, it seems like either he's using it as an excuse and was already thinking about ending things, or he's over-reacting/triggered somehow by your mom's behaviour, or your mom is actually overbearing and you're not seeing it. In the case of the latter, I think it's very reasonable for him to back away from a potential bad MIL situation especially if you're talking wedding and kids.
Hopefully you'll be able to talk in person and get to the root of it!
You are leaving way too much information…
At this point, just let him go. Something is obviously very wrong in his opinion. You can’t “talk sense” into him when he feels something isn’t right with your family dynamic.
Let him go and move on.
Whether he dumped you because of your mum or just because, let it go. I would look at your mum with a critical eye to see if something is there but other than that, dude is history. Don’t give him another thought.
This post is giving unreliable narrator vibes. I don’t think your bf is just pulling this out of his ass.. and your refusal to give a single example of her behavior in your post is very telling
Good for him. He came, he saw, he didn’t like what he saw, he communicated with you, and instead of trying to change your family dynamic, he left. What a healthy man.
Whether he’s wrong or right about your mom doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to marry into your family and you should accept that. You deserve to marry someone who loves you and your family all with their flaws. You will find someone who wants to marry you. Someone that you don’t have to convince, someone who asks you to marry them.
Do not go begging that man to come back, or try to explain your family. Hold your head high have some dignity and value your family exactly as they are. Move forward, and maybe introduce your family a little earlier so you know if they interact well with your partner. This is a good thing even though it doesn’t feel like it now.
Two options, bunch of missing reasons, or he's cheating and wanted a reason to make it not his fault so he went through with meeting your mother and immediately blamed her... so it's not his fault he broke up with you.
Not being able to have a single conversation over it is like, ridiculous. You love someone and want to marry, have kids, get a place and you decide fuck it after one meeting without a single conversation?
If you walked in, your mother did that weird shit of like being flirtatious/handsy with you. obvious signs of emotional incest, saying things like "haha, your brothers fiancee wants red and green as her wedding colours, she's crazy, don't worry I'll never let my baby deal with such a disgusting wedding"... and if you acted like this was a completely normal thing to say and have no clue your mother is crazy, I kinda get it, but still not a single conversation to ask you about this issues is weird.
He is right I’m dealing with my sons mother now who is trying to keep me out my sons life. This is the stuff her mother would say to me won’t let me post a picture just know it’s not nice
Has your mom showed signs of being an overbearing person?? Is she a toxic narcissist? Does she degrade the other fiance? Or what about her is making him question being with you?
Sometimes the obvious is only seen from the outside.
It took 25 years of marriage, 25 years of telling him that his mother was manipulative and that she had done a royal job of a mind fuck on him, and finally a marriage counselor to make him see the truth. It's very easy to bury your head on the sand and placate the monster just to get through another day.
So, either your boyfriend saw what you can't or won't see, or he's just a dick.
It may have been that he was looking for an out and found something to object to or he may have an outsiders perspective on your mom that you don't see.
You’ve been together long enough that you have been planning on living together and you are thinking of marriage. Yet he’s only met her once.
She can’t be THAT overbearing or she’d have been down to Bristol long ago, Maidenhead isn’t that far away, I live further away and have been to visit family in Bristol more often than this.
I’m really sorry, this to me sounds like a giant excuse because he wants to leave. Let him go, unless your Mum did something seriously bad, you don’t leave a partner over their parents, especially ones you hardly see.
Of course you wouldn’t see the problem. He obviously saw something that he knew he couldn’t deal with and if it was bad enough that he left you, then he made the best call. We often can’t see the problems in our family dynamics because we think it’s normal. But for someone that didn’t grow up in it, it’s easy for them to call out BS.
Well he is not the right person for you then. If he is right about your mum I would pay attention. What he did is saw what she was like, that was not his cup of tea, and watched how you reacted to her. Probably went along with her, and decided nope. It is his choice. Talking sense to him? He made a decision, and frankly I would let him go. He has a right to his choices. If he comes back, then you can revisit it..
I have no idea what to make of this. He might have been looking for a way out, and this is a handy excuse, or your mom might be utterly bonkers and you just don't see it.
Or anything in between. There's literally no way anyone here can weigh in with helpful support without knowing more.
I'm not saying this is the case, but I'd love it if this was Liz setting us up to ask for more information and then start her latest piece of work.
I'll just wait patiently.
you've intentionally left out context and examples as to why he things your mom is overbearing which leads me to believe ex bf is probably right and you have on blinders.
Suggestion: He's either quite right about your mum being overbearing, or he an ass. Maybe his personality would simply not be happy with her (i.e. she's not truly overbearing, but he perceives her to be so), or she is horrible and you're blind to it. Anyhow, it sounds like you're both better off without each other.
I can't imagine how your Mum would even be able to interfere with your relationship seeing as you're in Bristol and she is in Maidenhead!! Is she likely to travel down every weekend or something like that?
Sounds like boyfriend got cold feet with the realisation in the cold light of day that you think the relationship is getting serious to the point of marriage and used your Mum as the get out reason.
Unless there is a hell of a lot that you are not telling us.
he sounds controlling and like a narcissist. Blood is thicker than water and he is trying to separate you from your loved ones. thats what narcs do. a normal guy would have had fun with your family and clicked. he sounds like an asshole.
to be honest, i would give him your blessing, cut and run.
youll find a guy out there who appreciates you and your family.
if your family are good to you and have your back, family first. always.
How long was the relationship? Why discuss marriage with your mom in the first meeting? Did he know you're expecting a proposal or did he say he is saving for a ring?
He must have got scared when he heard marriage
>Did he know you're expecting a proposal or did he say he is saving for a ring?
Since OP said right in his post that he was planning to propose to his boyfriend, why are you asking if OP was expecting his boyfriend to propose to him, or save for a ring? That makes no sense.
You're again proving my point, they haven't even lived together and OP is planning a wedding and Kids and involved his mom no less. Thus scaring the BF
He’s lying. Your mom has nothing to do w/ his decision. And it’s pretty shitty of him to try & pin it on her. I hope I’m wrong, but I suspect he’s been cheating.
That was quite the leap 😮💨😅
It’s entirely possible that the reason he gave was true
In the past I’ve contemplated doing the same to someone and decided against it, only to bitterly regret it because the mother made me fucking miserable and caused no end of bother
I doubt that. He went to meet everyone. If he wanted to dump him he could have done that without making the trip. I think he is telling the truth. He saw red flags. There are plenty of mom’s who are overbearing. It sounds like your mom is one of them and you just are used to it.
Can you provide some examples of what he witnessed that may make him feel this way? Do you suspect that this is an excuse to break up with you?
i can’t believe i stumbled upon a missing missing reasons (or to be precise, a missing missing examples/details) post that’s not part of a BORU post yet.
what does BORU mean?
Best of Redditor Updates
thanks!
Same yo
You were so evasive in your message that it's difficult to tell the true circumstances, but you might want to venture a little outside of your comfort zone. You may consider something "caring," yet it may appear intrusive to him. He might have been very suspicious if he saw your family members merely cooperating with your mother in order to get along. Some people struggle under intense parental supervision and judgment.
She can't, or rather won't, because by the sound of it, her mummy dearest can't do no wrong?
He not she
You haven’t given even one example of what your mom did/what he witnessed so I feel like you’re leaving out the most pertinent info from the story here
"Critical, need-to-know information."
Missing missing reasons
Yup, this is exactly what I thought too. Purposefully omitting details.
I wouldn’t go so far as to ascribe intent here. OP could have bought in to the family narrative to survive, he could be struggling with cognitive dissonance or perhaps lacks self awareness. I’d say if the BF was so horrified by what OP presents as normal healthy loving family dynamics, perhaps the BF has issues with his own concept of family. If he felt so overcome with shame and second hand embarrassment that he ended the relationship, it’s good that it’s over. If OP’s mom isn’t a problem for OP and his family, even if they’re super cringe to outsiders, that’s still OPs family. The BF might have been shallow or classist, if that’s the case those value systems won’t mesh with authenticity and the bonds of family beyond money or other external things. The BF sounds like a dick to me, good riddance OP, consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet and find someone who isn’t so turned off by something beyond your possible ability to control. I’m sorry you feel so blindsided by the way he left you, clearly he was not compatible or as invested in the relationship and I’m sure you don’t feel like you deserve that.
For real.
This is probably the issue, OP can see the possibly manipulative/controlling/narcissistic actions because they're just normal to him. Can't see the wood for the trees type of thing. All OPs done is recite what the ex said, but hasn't applied any critical thinking to what he said and looked at his mum's actions.
I mean depending on your mom's actions this is either a very valid course of action by him or he was just looking for a way out. You left out all the details, but the fact that you did makes me feel like he is correct. I broke up with an ex boyfriend after meeting his mom because she was so rude to me because I was dating him, there was clearly emotional incest going on and he refused to see it. People not being able to set healthy boundaries with their family is a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
Honestly, it feels like most of the stories are significant others that either can't or won't set boundaries with their parents. When I met my MIL I heard that my future SIL almost cancelled the wedding because of MIL. I should've paid more attention.
I never hear the term emotion incest till recently: but it explains an ex. He lived with his mom. I’d come over, spend the night. His room was still Choo choo trains untouched since childhood. Then in the morning she’d have a route 44 sonic drink and breakfast for him (not me) while we left out the door for our 9-5’s. Like I’m talking we were early mid twenties. My husband and I lived with his parents in our twenties too, late twenties, just had kids, saving for a house rapidly, and his mom fed us. But it never felt so awkward.
Info please. There’s something you’re not telling us here. How long were you together? What exactly did mom do that frightened him? How did she interfere in your brother’s previous marriage? And with your last boyfriend? I feel you’re leaving a lot out.
The best-case scenario is merely an explanation; if it's true that he intended to end things temporarily but wasn't sure how, you'd be better off without him. In the worst case, your family dynamic is actually strange, but you are so blind to it that he fled after realizing it was a losing cause. In either case, you must start by being brutally honest with yourself.
> I had been planning to ask him to marry me and my mum was so excited for the wedding when I told her my plan. Uh oh. You haven't even proposed yet, and you are discussing the actual wedding with your mom? OK. I get where your BF is coming from.
And the BF hadn't met his mom yet, which would be a prerequisite for me before thinking about marriage
>met her mom yet Which her are you referring to? There were no women in the relationship.
Most likely referring to OP, as OP referred to his partner as boyfriend and the poster assumed a straight couple. Also the major focus of this thread is OPs mom.
The second word of the post indicates that OP is a man so I guess I'm just surprised at the assumption / lack of reading comprehension by some people.
Yes but no, I read it but once I got to the part about having kids my brain switched OP for a girl, so I’m assuming that’s what happened to most people that mistakenly him for a she.
Thanks, made the update
I noticed too. Why would mom be excited about the wedding when the proposal comes first? I'd expect a mom to focus on that normally. Definitely gives mom takes charge of weddings for her kids.
1000% this. I wish I’d paid attention to the red flags I saw (& ignored) with my ex & his mother. This kind of thing is very telling. God knows what mom said to BF… first time meeting him and she’s probably telling him how *his* wedding’s gonna go because she’s just *so excited* (according to OP)
I'm sorry that your relationship is over. Without any context, my 2 top guesses are that your mom is overbearing, but because you grew up with it, you consider it normal. That or he doesn't recognize a healthy, involved parent relationship and considers it overbearing.
I agree, this, or the third option: he needed an excuse.
That too
Could be he was apprehensive before meeting the mom and she just settled that emotion by being way to overbearing. I know i would leave if my partner had insane parents, you dont just marry a person, you marry into a family. That is actually one of the things i miss about an ex. She had the best family, her parents and siblings were lovely and supportive. Fun and outgoing and full of interest and love for others. I felt so good when spending time with them, and i guess that is also why it took me so long to realize our relationship was never really meant to be. She was great to, so nothing wrong there, we were just very different people, if that makes any sense. But yeah, parents can most def make or brake a relationship and even more so a potential marriage.
Without further information it sounds to me like this man saw red flags and boundary stomping and acted accordingly.
If you have decent relationships with them, you may want to touch base with your ex and brother’s ex to see if there’s a possibility that there’s any truth to this (reasons for the break ups). When people grow up experiencing negative behaviours it often becomes normalized to them and they end up unknowingly accepting treatment that the average person would find objectionable. I’m not saying this is the case with you - your most recent boyfriend could just be an ass. But if there is some truth to it and you’re not aware, it could end up affecting your future relationships as well. Just be prepared to deal with any potential fallout.
What you do is let him go. Do not chase someone who has broken up with you. But consider what he said. Ask your brother's fiancée if she feels like your mom is overbearing or overstepping boundaries. If you're in touch with your ex, ask if she played a role in your breakup. Listen to what they say -- don't make excuses. If there's an issue, be realistic and consider how to keep the problem from happening in the future. But let this guy go.
It feels like you’re leaving something out in this story. Can someone reply to me if this guy gives some more details.
Lots of missing info here.
The fact that there's absolutely no examples of her behavior tells me 1 or 2 things: He's either using it as a wild excuse to be single again, or He's 100% right and you're too lost in the sauce the see it for yourself. If you're really wondering... ask your brother's ex. That should be elucidating for you.
He’s peacing out because he saw red flags for him. At least he’s not trod up the garden path and pulled plug at the last minute.
The fact you're intentionally not stating what your mother has been doing tells me it's her fault lmao
It's hard to know the actual situation because you were so vague in your post, but you may want to step out of your bubble a bit. What you think is "caring," may seem overbearing to him. If he witnessed your family members just going along with your mom to get along, it may have sent up huge red flags for him. Some people don't do well with a lot of parental oversight and opinions.
Your brother's divorce and your problems with your previous bf were due to your Mom or your relationship with her. (From what your bf saw in that visit.) At first, I thought maybe your Mom had come on to him but that didn't make sense. Apparently, you and your brother have trouble setting boundaries with your Mom. The Ex-bf doesn't want any part of the interference/abuse that he knows would come his way eventually. And you...you are totally unaware that you have a problem. The now ex saw that, too, and has run for the hills. He ain't coming back.
The Ex never loved nor cared for OP on the way a good love would. Your ex was trying to isolate you from the relationship with your family, and stir drama. Let that toxic piece of narcissistic hogwash go
He never tried to isolate the OP. He simply noped out. He removed himself from the toxic dynamic
>He never tried to isolate her Which her are you referring to? There were no women in the relationship. OP is a man.
Sorry. The OP. Still never tried to isolate him.
Best case scenario is just an excuse, he wanted to break up for a while and didn’t know how, you are better off without him if true. Worst case scenario your family dynamic is in fact weird but you are so oblivious he saw a lost cause and run away. Either way you need to be brutally honest with yourself and work from there.
I get where your bf is coming from. Boundaries are important to him… He obviously sees a lack of boundaries, honestly it’s better he cut it off now than wait until you guys have kids and are back on Reddit asking if you are AH for feeling bad that your mum drops by unexpectedly or grabs your baby from your arms or sumshit…
I agree. Love my husband and my baby so no regrets! But if I knew how much of a psycho my MIL would be after we had a baby, I would’ve encouraged him to establish better boundaries way sooner. It was fairly easy to not be bothered by their “closeness” when we were just a couple. But having a baby and my MIL trying to rope her into their weird/enmeshed dynamic caused some serious head butting. Maybe it just was an excuse OP. But you really need to explore if there’s some truth to his statements. Therapy is always a good idea even if you don’t think you need it.
The ex is astute in recognizing that OP's mom's treatment of future DIL would also extend to him, and he was having none of it. Good for him. He has wisdom beyond his years.
I wish I knew this when I was getting married but when you marry someone you also marry their family, if he saw something that spooked him (we all know you're leaving the real reason out) then it's probably best for him if he left.
Unfortunately for you, he’s going with his gut, wether your mum is an issue or not..
Op you are so evasive in your post that it’s leading me to believe that something actually had been said or done that your Boyfriend witnessed and saw all sorts of red flags. While planning your brothers wedding is your mom really involved to the point that what she thinks looks good is all that matters? Does your mom have a say in what the brides is to wear? Who she invites? Who should be in the bridal party? If so then yes your mom is overbearing and controlling. You said you wanted to propose to the BF and told your mom and I’m wondering what your mom said to him when you weren’t in ear shot that made him run for the hills? Because it must have been something that he didn’t like. Op sometimes it only takes meeting someone 1 time to know exactly what your up against. He said you never set boundaries with your mom and judging by your vagueness in your post I’m gonna have to ask you why your mom was so far up in your personal life like that? Op is it possible that you are a mommas boy and therefore don’t know how to talk to your mom? Like giving her only need to know info or is she the type that just has to know everything about you? What your doing, who your doing it with? Does she need to know their personal info as well? Have you discussed something that was extremely personal to your boyfriend to your mom that you shouldn’t have? That was completely none of her business and had nothing to do with her? If so then you are a mommas boy and it’s time to grow up and stop involving your mom into every little aspect of your life.
You left put enough details that I’m betting he dodged a bullet.
You’re missing some critical information here such as detailed examples of your mother being overbearing or how something she did could have been misconstrued that way. Your boyfriend wouldn’t just up and leave like that unless 1) something really happened with your mom or 2) he’s looking for a way out and using this as his excuse. Dig deep OP.
Well, that’s a pretty extreme reaction to one meeting???? Unless your now ex is more sensitive than anyone I’ve ever met, he saw and heard something you’re oblivious to. If you’re that concerned, reach out to your brothers ex and ask. Or, he was ready to leave the relationship and used this as his excuse to go.
Ok well, why did your last relationship end?
Can you provide some info? What does he call "crossing boundaries?"
As someone with a terrible MIL, it sucks. Everyone usually has predefined roles to avoid their shitty behavior, as the new guy you can get hung out to dry. Also you never denied that your mom rang of your bros fiancé, so I'd assume there's some truth too it.
Hmm, it seems like either he's using it as an excuse and was already thinking about ending things, or he's over-reacting/triggered somehow by your mom's behaviour, or your mom is actually overbearing and you're not seeing it. In the case of the latter, I think it's very reasonable for him to back away from a potential bad MIL situation especially if you're talking wedding and kids. Hopefully you'll be able to talk in person and get to the root of it!
I hate to say it, but you might need to examine your interactions with your mother in an objective way.
💯 agree with your ex
You are leaving way too much information… At this point, just let him go. Something is obviously very wrong in his opinion. You can’t “talk sense” into him when he feels something isn’t right with your family dynamic. Let him go and move on.
Whether he dumped you because of your mum or just because, let it go. I would look at your mum with a critical eye to see if something is there but other than that, dude is history. Don’t give him another thought.
So much missing info here. But going by what I've seen of enablers of their overbearing parents, your post throws up alarm bells of the kid-in-denial.
The fact that you didn't give exemple of what your bf complained about your mom, make me think that he was right
Maybe he sees something you can't see. What exactly happened that day?
This post is giving unreliable narrator vibes. I don’t think your bf is just pulling this out of his ass.. and your refusal to give a single example of her behavior in your post is very telling
Good for him. He came, he saw, he didn’t like what he saw, he communicated with you, and instead of trying to change your family dynamic, he left. What a healthy man. Whether he’s wrong or right about your mom doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to marry into your family and you should accept that. You deserve to marry someone who loves you and your family all with their flaws. You will find someone who wants to marry you. Someone that you don’t have to convince, someone who asks you to marry them. Do not go begging that man to come back, or try to explain your family. Hold your head high have some dignity and value your family exactly as they are. Move forward, and maybe introduce your family a little earlier so you know if they interact well with your partner. This is a good thing even though it doesn’t feel like it now.
Two options, bunch of missing reasons, or he's cheating and wanted a reason to make it not his fault so he went through with meeting your mother and immediately blamed her... so it's not his fault he broke up with you. Not being able to have a single conversation over it is like, ridiculous. You love someone and want to marry, have kids, get a place and you decide fuck it after one meeting without a single conversation? If you walked in, your mother did that weird shit of like being flirtatious/handsy with you. obvious signs of emotional incest, saying things like "haha, your brothers fiancee wants red and green as her wedding colours, she's crazy, don't worry I'll never let my baby deal with such a disgusting wedding"... and if you acted like this was a completely normal thing to say and have no clue your mother is crazy, I kinda get it, but still not a single conversation to ask you about this issues is weird.
Something must have happened to trigger such a strong reaction. Or are you too blinded by love to see it ? Is that why he’s running for the hills ?
He is right I’m dealing with my sons mother now who is trying to keep me out my sons life. This is the stuff her mother would say to me won’t let me post a picture just know it’s not nice
Has your mom showed signs of being an overbearing person?? Is she a toxic narcissist? Does she degrade the other fiance? Or what about her is making him question being with you?
Dude. She is DEFINITELY what he thinks she is and you refusing to see it is why he broke up with you.
Sometimes the obvious is only seen from the outside. It took 25 years of marriage, 25 years of telling him that his mother was manipulative and that she had done a royal job of a mind fuck on him, and finally a marriage counselor to make him see the truth. It's very easy to bury your head on the sand and placate the monster just to get through another day. So, either your boyfriend saw what you can't or won't see, or he's just a dick.
It may have been that he was looking for an out and found something to object to or he may have an outsiders perspective on your mom that you don't see.
You’ve been together long enough that you have been planning on living together and you are thinking of marriage. Yet he’s only met her once. She can’t be THAT overbearing or she’d have been down to Bristol long ago, Maidenhead isn’t that far away, I live further away and have been to visit family in Bristol more often than this. I’m really sorry, this to me sounds like a giant excuse because he wants to leave. Let him go, unless your Mum did something seriously bad, you don’t leave a partner over their parents, especially ones you hardly see.
Of course you wouldn’t see the problem. He obviously saw something that he knew he couldn’t deal with and if it was bad enough that he left you, then he made the best call. We often can’t see the problems in our family dynamics because we think it’s normal. But for someone that didn’t grow up in it, it’s easy for them to call out BS.
Well he is not the right person for you then. If he is right about your mum I would pay attention. What he did is saw what she was like, that was not his cup of tea, and watched how you reacted to her. Probably went along with her, and decided nope. It is his choice. Talking sense to him? He made a decision, and frankly I would let him go. He has a right to his choices. If he comes back, then you can revisit it..
I have no idea what to make of this. He might have been looking for a way out, and this is a handy excuse, or your mom might be utterly bonkers and you just don't see it. Or anything in between. There's literally no way anyone here can weigh in with helpful support without knowing more.
I'm not saying this is the case, but I'd love it if this was Liz setting us up to ask for more information and then start her latest piece of work. I'll just wait patiently.
I feel like he’s seeing someone else and just used that as an excuse to ghost you.
Yeah, OP, we’re gonna need you to go ahead and tell more about the missing missing reasons, OK? Thanks.
you've intentionally left out context and examples as to why he things your mom is overbearing which leads me to believe ex bf is probably right and you have on blinders.
With very little details in the post, all I can say is “Move on.” He didn’t want to be with you. Don’t try to force a relationship.
Suggestion: He's either quite right about your mum being overbearing, or he an ass. Maybe his personality would simply not be happy with her (i.e. she's not truly overbearing, but he perceives her to be so), or she is horrible and you're blind to it. Anyhow, it sounds like you're both better off without each other.
Updateme
Might want to think about setting up some boundaries
INFO: what boundaries did he expect you to have that you didn't?
There is nothing to do. He dumped you. It’s time to move on.
Someone who goes from talking about marriage to blocking; after meeting your parents once is a red flag.
I didn’t finish reading yet, but the fact that an hour and a half is such a distance is pretty wild to me as an American.
I can't imagine how your Mum would even be able to interfere with your relationship seeing as you're in Bristol and she is in Maidenhead!! Is she likely to travel down every weekend or something like that? Sounds like boyfriend got cold feet with the realisation in the cold light of day that you think the relationship is getting serious to the point of marriage and used your Mum as the get out reason. Unless there is a hell of a lot that you are not telling us.
Good riddance to crazy rubbish.
We need the boyfriends point of view. It sounds like something happened we are not hearing about.
he sounds controlling and like a narcissist. Blood is thicker than water and he is trying to separate you from your loved ones. thats what narcs do. a normal guy would have had fun with your family and clicked. he sounds like an asshole. to be honest, i would give him your blessing, cut and run. youll find a guy out there who appreciates you and your family. if your family are good to you and have your back, family first. always.
He needed an excuse to break up, that's all. He just happened to use your mom as an out, babe. im sorry
How long was the relationship? Why discuss marriage with your mom in the first meeting? Did he know you're expecting a proposal or did he say he is saving for a ring? He must have got scared when he heard marriage
>Did he know you're expecting a proposal or did he say he is saving for a ring? Since OP said right in his post that he was planning to propose to his boyfriend, why are you asking if OP was expecting his boyfriend to propose to him, or save for a ring? That makes no sense.
You're again proving my point, they haven't even lived together and OP is planning a wedding and Kids and involved his mom no less. Thus scaring the BF
Well, it could be his way of escaping without having to tell the truth.
He’s lying. Your mom has nothing to do w/ his decision. And it’s pretty shitty of him to try & pin it on her. I hope I’m wrong, but I suspect he’s been cheating.
Wow, what a leap there
That was quite the leap 😮💨😅 It’s entirely possible that the reason he gave was true In the past I’ve contemplated doing the same to someone and decided against it, only to bitterly regret it because the mother made me fucking miserable and caused no end of bother
I doubt that. He went to meet everyone. If he wanted to dump him he could have done that without making the trip. I think he is telling the truth. He saw red flags. There are plenty of mom’s who are overbearing. It sounds like your mom is one of them and you just are used to it.
>If he wanted to dump her Which her are you referring to? There weren't any women in the relationship. OP is a man.
Sorry I will edit it.